The Viall Files - E43 Ask Nick - What The Fiancé

Episode Date: September 16, 2019

Nick is here to answer your questions about sex and dating! We take a caller who is concerned about her virgin friend with high standards, someone struggling to be the “cool girlfriend,” and a few women who find out engagement isn’t everything they hoped it would be. Send your questions to [e-mail]. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: ROTHY’S: https://rothys.com/viall BETTERHELP: https://betterhelp.com/viall NATURAL HABITS: https://nhoils.com See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is up everybody happy monday to you tuning in appropriate time and again as always thanks for just checking in at whatever day it is right now maybe you're uh maybe your significant other is watching football all day. And here we are to get you through it. I only bring that up because... That's an issue we talk about. That's an issue we get into. There's some real good nuggets in this one, I have to say.

You think so? Nuggets of wisdom. Well, thanks for saying it. We continue to learn about our audience and dating. And it's really, truly funny how people just really on all walks of life, different parts of the spectrum. Sometimes you need to be a little bit more selfish in relationships. Crazy. Crazy idea. Crazy idea, but it just might work it just might have to listen to figure out what we mean

but before we do natural habits everybody essential oils again always be cognizant of what you're using to freshen your indoor air yeah candles are nice aesthetically pleasing also your indoor air. Yeah. Candles are nice, aesthetically pleasing. Also, sometimes, and by sometimes I mean always,

they are unfortunately filled with toxic chemicals, carcinogens. And so when you set them on fire, you are breathing things that are quite honestly not healthy for you. And if you were

to put a bird next to it, it would most likely die. Not to bit. Always got to bring up those dead birds. I'm just saying for breeze, plug-ins, these are all chemicals that you're releasing into your indoor air.

It's not healthy for you or your family to breathe. Essential oils, on the other hand, have medicinal benefits like boosting your immune system, helping you calm down, relax, relieve headaches. And damn if they don't have sexy packaging. That's all I have to say. They do have sexy packaging. Anyways, you can get them in pure essential oils. They are great in a diffuser, a warm bath.

You can get a wool ball instead of a dryer sheet, which also has chemicals. And just freshen up your indoor air in a very pleasing, soothing smell. Our Protect is a great blend that's coming up for the holidays if you're looking for that Christmas smell. Also boost your immune system during cold season.

New customers, as always, 20% off, shipping free, nhoils.com, nhoils.com. Use code natural for 20% off for first-time customers. Makes a great gift. They also come in a roll-on form to take with you anywhere. Perfect for like yoga, meditation class at the office.

Man, you're really getting me excited about this. Essential oils. NHOils.com, natural habits. Follow us at naturalhabits on Instagram for a lot of great useful tips about essential oils and how to use them and how they benefit you and your family's life. I tried to circle back to a guy I rejected. You rejected a guy and you... I tried to circle back. a guy I rejected. You rejected a guy and you... I tried to circle back.

Why? Because you're bored? I'm seeing that he's doing well. He's did a couple cool things and I was like, oh, I think I underestimated him. You shallow B. I'm just kidding. So wait, did you ended things because he was like an unmotivated sloth?

He was a male rapper and i just wasn't into that i just didn't like his raps and i didn't see it going anywhere and now i'm like oh wow he's really making his dreams come true and now you circle back he didn't he didn't answer i'm kind of digging that you're a little more shallow than i thought how is that shallow i mean you didn't if you can't support someone's dream that's not shallow hey it's the yelling a little how's it shallow i'm giving you a hard time i think it's totally fine but like you this you didn't say oh i broke up with him because i wasn't physically attracted or he didn't treat me right he didn't make me happy i just didn't like what he did yeah that's a little shallow is it that's okay we could be a little in the in the terms of like how we if i said i don't know what what if you said what if

a girl said or a guy like i don't think they made enough money would you call that shelf shallow it's not about money though i'm not saying it's about money but it's kind of in the same ballpark isn't that no i'm not criticizing i just think it's ironic and funny probably yeah we can be a little shallow sometimes what's wrong like i mean maybe shallow has the wrong connotation you didn't like it and now you do but it's a little i think that's fine sometimes sometimes we always try to be too righteous with what we say. Yeah. And he hasn't called back? No. No response.

What'd you reach out? You just send him a text? Sup? You up? No, like we should get coffee. I love to hear all the stuff you've been up to. When you ended things, what'd you say? I don't remember.

It was so long ago. Did you ghost him? No, I didn't ghost him. But you, so you ended. We've seen him. I've seen him. You cut things off. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Did you say it was because you didn't? No, I didn't ghost him. But you, so you ended. We've seen him. I've seen him. You cut things off. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Did you say it was because you didn't?

No. I don't know. And you said, we should catch up. I love to hear all the things you're doing. Yeah. No, he knows. He knows what's up. What's the takeaway that you have from that?

I guess don't be shallow. Well, Rochelle, I wish you all the best of luck in this endeavor. I got to get my feelers out for some fresh blood. There we go. Instead of going back to the old well. Now they're getting paid. LL today. What's up, Shelby?

How are you doing? I'm good. How are you guys? I'm doing very well. Ro's up, Shelby? How you doing? I'm good. How are you guys? I'm doing very well. Rochelle, also, I don't want to speak for you. How are you? I'm doing well. Great. Shelby, what's up? How can we help? Awesome. So I'm struggling

a little bit with a girlfriend of mine and just trying to understand either how to be there for her or how to maybe guide her in a different direction than what she's going right now. So she recently moved to the town that I live in. We're friends from college and just now ultimately ended up living in the same town. And she's single and doing the whole, you know, dating and going out thing and apps. And, you know, she's doing all these things to position herself to potentially be in a relationship, which is what she kind of says is what she wants.

But she's not necessarily, I don't know, doing the things that she needs to. I don't know, doing the things that she needs to, like a lot of her actions and the way that she's going about it. I think it's more her fault than the dating pool's fault that she's not in a relationship with, but she doesn't seem to understand that. Such as? So like she has this very long list of like everything that like a guy needs to be and he needs to check all these different boxes, whether it's like his age, his looks, his height, his religious views, his political views, you know, what he does for a living. This incredibly long list that I just don't feel like anyone's really going to live up to. feel like anyone's really going to live up to. And she also, even when she does get to the point of like talking to someone or meeting someone, whether it's like on an app or out and about, she's very dismissive of super small things that probably don't mean anything in the long run.

So I don't, I don't know. I just don't really know like what to keep telling her because she keeps complaining about the fact that she can't meet anyone or she can't meet a nice guy. What do you say to her? I think it's more her. When she says that, what do you say to her? That's fair. You know, I've tried to kind of approach, you know, her about it, you know, a little bit in somewhat of a jokey manner, but then someone, someone also in like more serious

manners. So like, I try to give her the example of like, I'm, I'm married and she's single. And I tell her, I'm like, you know, if I would have gone through the exact checklist of everything, I would have thought my future husband would have been, I wouldn't be married right now because my husband wouldn't have made it through those filters. And just to like give people a little bit more of a chance to like get to know them her the biggest one that really just like grinds my gear is height she like refuses to talk to anyone who's like under six two how tall is she's not that tall because she's not that tall she's like five seven okay that's yeah she's not that tall i'm'm just like, does he need to be that tall?

I mean, that's what she's into, I guess. My sister, Maria, is 6'2", so it was a sensitive issue for her because she had... Your sister's 6'2"? Yeah. But in growing up, she had very much of a body complex. And we talked about this before. People called her big because she's 6'2". And her husband's now 6'1", 6 foot. But it was a big issue for her.

So she's 5'7". She shouldn't have an issue with that. How old is she? Right. How old is she? She's 25. Okay. She's still pretty young.

Listen, I've talked about this before. I think when we're younger, we all have checklists. And as we get older, those checklists shrink sometimes.'t have a checklist but like i'm the reason i'm single i think we're all the reason we're single yeah i'm the reason i'm single so i think uh and you know i'm not every it's all relative but she's a pretty girl like you beautiful girl who like who's yeah you're not like friends with quasimodo or anything oh nick i'm just joking we're like no yeah she's an average looking group you know what i'm saying is so like i only ask that because you could say hey listen just the one thing maybe you can remind her is that uh you are a beautiful girl right you say this to her you have a lot going for you so when

she does complain about not finding a guy you just say like you're the reason you're single and i don't mean that in a mean way because you choose who you want in a sense uh she's probably not going to listen to you at 25 about the checklists you know i just feel like it's tough from a you're in a tough spot i don't think you can do much to change her mind i think you can kind of uh level with her that you know just keep her mind that you're single because of you and i think it's good to remind her of uh your relationship she's also different she also doesn't have to have the same qualifications that that you had she's also only 25 no right so like if she wants to um you might just maybe joke with her and say i don't think you really want a guy and that's fine maybe you

want a date and maybe you want to hook up and and uh that's totally fine too but at the moment she really wants to settle down she's going to have to really give someone to your point a chance and she's gonna you know she if as a 25 year old woman who is into tall guys let her be into tall guys i mean you know i mean sure you can joke but like if that's what she's into there's plenty of six two guys that are probably pretty nice guys if that's what she's attracted to then let her of 6'2 guys that are probably pretty nice guys. If that's what she's attracted to, then let her go for that. I think you can constantly remind her that she should just stop complaining. You can't have both high expectations and then complain about it.

If she wants to have a long checklist of qualifications and she wants to have quote unquote high standards great then then own that right don't bitch about it like i have high standards i'm i'm i'm single because i have high i'm have and it might like i don't necessarily agree with her checklist and i'm on your i'm on i agree with you but she doesn't necessarily have the right to play both sides. She can't say, Oh, why can't I find it? She can't play the victim. And then also seemingly have all these high standards.

So I think you should point that out to her. Maybe she will see that kind of juxtaposition that she's talking out of both sides of her mouth. She'll be like, listen, I think it's great that you have high standards. I think it's great that you have all these qualifications and you're young. So like,

you don't need to be in a rush to find a guy but just recognize that these are your choices and it's not settling to be slightly uh to to like not give a shit if a guy's six one or if he his his arms are a certain size or he has a he graduated from a certain type of college or he does or doesn't have tattoos i All these like ancillary things that sometimes people will do when they're building their like perfect guy or girl. So I think that's the only thing that could possibly make sense to someone like her. And does that because you're not going to like tell her to not date. You can't tell her to be attracted to people who aren't tall. That's what she's attracted to.

And she may eventually meet a guy who's six foot that sweeps her off her feet then she will like realize that but right now you're not going to change her mind most likely i just think you should point i think point it out to her be like stop complaining because you want you want to wait and that's fine and point out that like you want to find all these things and that's great but those things for everyone to have those things it's uh it's harder to find but you you want that so own it yeah don't and if and if she's like well then if she's complaining be like well i don't you get what i'm saying yeah because she's she's definitely talking out of both sides of her mouth um so to speak right i. I very much agree.

And I think the other part of this that I guess I didn't really mention originally was that she really doesn't have any experience in the dating pool. Like, she's gone on dates, but she's never really had a serious boyfriend. She's never been in a relationship. And so I think it's also just... At all? Like, me thinking, like like you don't know what you don't know but no not at all i mean she dated someone for like a couple of months like her

freshman year of college and that was her most really recent relationship is it just coming from being super picky or they're like is she i mean is it a religious thing or is it just uh i mean she could be kind of in a rut that way where it's this list of things is almost an excuse not to engage in the saddle. We use it as an excuse so we can stay emotionally protected sometimes. Yeah. I mean, do you think, is she, are there other layers? I mean, you know her as a friend. Is she a virgin?

Yeah. By choice, right? Yeah, by choice, right? Yeah, that's fine. And she's not necessarily waiting around for marriage or whatnot, but she's got this mind point of she's waited this long. I think she wants to lose her virginity to someone. This is classic Ashley I syndrome. Ashley I. And that's a very admirable thing. Yeah, this is classic. She sounds. Ashley Eye! That's a very admirable thing.

Yeah. This is classic. See, she sounds like Ashley Eye. Yeah. You know, like Ashley Eye, my friend Ashley, for those of you who don't know, was a virgin until later in her life. It wasn't from a religious standpoint. It was she, and she had this absurd, specific expectation of what guys should be.

And that's just who she was, you know? And it finally worked out for her. It really did. Wow. So she could be different that way. I think for someone like your friend, I think it seems like you're doing the right thing don't make her feel judged um she's probably gonna eventually the longer she doesn't date the more awkward she's going to be on dates um and she's gonna make her you know uh her virginia bigger

deal so I think it's good to be in that sense be more supportive of and just keep having her do what you do let's like go out just try to downplay it just like go out have some fun meet some guys she needs before she finds her guy she needs to meet some guys she just needs to meet some guys have some fun reps man yeah get some reps so whether it's sexually or just like having conversation she is spending way too much time finding the guy. She needs to like experience things. But some people are different. I mean, I don't think Ashley, my friend, has an extremely limited dating life.

She would go on dates but wouldn't do much. And then when she would go on dates, it would be like one date. You know, she's married now. She finally met her guy. And it's not like she has this, like, it's not like she got it out of her system. I don't think she has any regrets. You know, that's Ashley's personality to be like, this is what I've always wanted. And she found it. And if your friend's anything like my friend, Ashley, then that's just kind of who she's going to be. So as a friend, you got to recognize that she's not you, right? So you can't get her to

be more chill, I guess, in the sense of being more open to a variety of different men. I would encourage her to get out of her comfort zone sometimes. Like in general, just be like, listen, it's good to go to your comfort zone. So while you're waiting for your dream guy, I don't know, Wednesday night, just go hang out with some guys, make out with a guy or something, like get some reps in. Yeah. 30 day dating challenge. What's that? I don't know. You could just make your own dating challenge where you're like, I'm going to go on 10 dates this month. i don't know you could just make your own dating challenge where you're like i'm gonna go on 10 dates this month i don't care if they're monsters i don't care if they're ugly just do it i mean go out i agree with you but like again i don't know this person

but if she's anything like that's just some people just don't want to do it yeah some people are just like i don't want to i don't like this guy you know i i i think i even for my friend ashley i would always encourage her and she sometimes took that advice before she uh and it was in a relationship of getting her reps and just going out there because um had she not uh convinced her husband to marry her she would have eventually had to have moved on and she started doing that and so um listen it's a tough situation because we're talking about someone i don't know and you don't know and you can't control what she does she's different than you um she's definitely fixated on on this guy she's never met uh which is i guess fine but yeah i guess just try to

encourage her to do these things i would let her know that like if again back to my original point she can be picky but she can still go out there and then she should stop complaining about gosh because she that my original point still plays is that that that's fine if she wants to have high expectations, but doesn't mean they're not great guys. They're just not her guy. And that's because she's really focused in on this imaginary guy, which my friend Ashley certainly did. So it's tough.

Be supportive. Not judgmental. It's tough with friends because just because she's not living your life doesn't mean she's living hers. And she's only 25, right? And I don't know where you're from. You said town. I know. So sometimes towns, like maybe everyone's getting married and you feel like, why isn't she married? But she is very young and she might not meet Mr. Perfect till she's 31, 32, maybe older.

And that's fine too. Maybe 33. Right? It's just she can't bitch about it if she wants to have these high expectations. And by reminding her of that might help her kind of realize that. And then if she is willing to open up to more possibilities, that might help her be like, you know what? Maybe I am being a little too narrow-minded. But right now she feels like she's kind of playing this victim card and she should take ownership of her desires.

Right. Does that make sense? I don't know. Hopefully that was helpful. I feel like I ran a ton. I very much agree. Great. Well,

good luck. Yeah. Try not to put too much pressure on it. Thanks. Just remind her. She'll probably need it. Just remind her. She can't complain.

She, she, she can't complain. Cause I think that's the, I think that's the biggest point of contention right now is that she just she's driving all of us not that you have a right to be annoyed with she's gonna like not yeah you have the right to point that out yeah okay you're a total babe you're super young you have a high list you're single because of you you want

to be single you might also want to find mr right single because of you. You want to be single. You might also want to find Mr. Right, but until then, you are unwilling to compromise on this checklist you have. And I'm not here to tell you whether your checklist is wrong or right. It's not for me. It seems a little unrealistic, but whatever. It's your checklist. But own it. Because otherwise, you could have a boyfriend tomorrow if you wanted one. It just, that's not what you want. And I think that's what you can kind of point out to her. Because she should be able to understand the contradiction that she's having. Yeah. Cool. Well, thank you guys for the advice. I appreciate it.

All right. Well, thank you for calling the advice i appreciate it all right well thank you for calling in i appreciate it as well sometimes i wonder about these women who write in about their women these women who write in about they're married and they're writing about their single friends i'm like are the single friends complaining or are you just worried about them because they're not doing what you did sometimes both but i believe our our friend here it sounds like she's frustrated that her friend is complaining she specifically said that yeah if she had called in and said i'm worried about my friend she's single and i wanted to meet a guy and i'm worried about her and her like her eggs are shriveling right right right then i would be like hey why don't you chill out maybe your friend wants to be single yeah

um because that that does happen a lot we often will complain about oh i just can't find a great person and it's just like that's not true all these people seem to be fine i don't know if they're your person i don't know if you're a match i don't know if you guys get along but what are you saying these all shitty people right right right uh they all seem fine yeah um own your shit in the sense of like you can't play the victim yes and then also sound like i know what i want and i'm confident in my decisions and i'm going to like hold the hard line to the things that i expect and things i think i deserve great that's good that you have expectations for yourself yes stop bitching about not being able to yeah um find it you know and sometimes we need to get out of our comfort zone a little bit that can be my biggest problem is sometimes pre-screening a little too quickly and then

like playing your psa is too strict playing out a relationship in my mind before i even have it we all are victims of that and i think her friend is probably doing a little bit of that ashley i did that constantly i mean the ashley is a cautionary tale because she is the exception not the rule and she knows that i remind like that's great that i'm so happy for her and jared but um sometimes it doesn't work out that way uh and sometimes um we we should always try to get out of her comfort zone um the fact that she has you know you know she does she has limited experience and it and in her limited experience it sounds like not knowing this person it comes from this very uh thorough uh list of qualifications that right to uh to uh that she doesn't seem to be

living up to. You can only do so much but point out the contradiction is the only way to get through to this person. Otherwise sometimes when people are contradicting themselves you've got to remind them of that. Otherwise they think they don't ever see it.

Alright Carly, how's it going good good well hopefully we can make it better let's hear it all right so i've had a boyfriend for about two years sweet and everything's good everything's perfect like he treats me really well we communicate really well we rarely ever fight but I find myself sometimes insecure about dumb things that I know are dumb and in the moment I'm like Carly just like stop like what are you doing but it still like creeps up on me sometimes so and I'm like a pretty empathetic person and like understanding. So that's where I get tripped up sometimes. And like, you know, I like,

I get, I shouldn't be doing this, but I ended up doing it anyways. So I guess my question is, is that normal? First of all, and then how do I navigate through a relationship with some insecurities? What are some of the things that you get insecure about that you think aren't warranted? What was that? I'm sorry. So what are some of the things that you get insecure about that you think are not warranted? Like that you think that you're making a big deal of?

Like dumb stuff like he's watching football for three hours or something. Or I just got done going on a trip with my friends. And then I get back and then he wants to go hang out with his friends. And I know in my mind I'm like, that's dumb because I'm doing the same thing. But I'll sometimes just be like, ugh, I'm doing the same thing but I'll sometimes be like bothered and so when he's watching say football for three hours or he goes hang and hangs out with your friends after you get back from a trip uh do you guys like check in in terms of like oh I want to like are you saying hey can we do something and he's being dismissive of you or uh like how is that like being like when

you guys are separating when you guys are hanging out not with each other you guys kind of just do what you want and the other person's like oh i guess you're going on a trip or i guess you're watching football or are you saying hey uh this is what i'm going to be doing and and do you are you going out of way and making time for each other oh we definitely make time for each other and yeah um but while we're not together we kind of just like leave each other alone because I feel like when you're alone time sometimes yeah I mean it's not specific to the friends hanging out thing it's just like it's just like an example sure are there any other examples? I don't know if I can think of them off the top of my head.

We can always edit out you thinking, so think about it. I mean, what are some of the things that piss you off? Enough to call in. Well, when you express your insecurities, how does he react? He's pretty understanding about it so we can talk through it and stuff and it's fine he's pretty understanding and most times i do talk about it but i guess it's more so more so like an internal conflict thing like i feel like i beat myself up over feeling like even the slightest bit insecure i relate and it drives me nuts about myself. And when you say you're insecure, like if he's watching football,

what do you mean you're insecure about that? Like, are you thinking, oh, you don't want to hang out with me because you'd rather watch football? I guess. I guess that's what it comes down to. Maybe I'm just jealous of the attention not being on me at that point in time.

Okay. Well, that's healthy to admit. And when you relate to this, I mean mean help me i i don't well i guess like i in my first relationship i always like i always felt needy sure like and my needs weren't being met and i always felt like it was my problem and i was so awful and now like through therapy and stuff i'm, oh, my needs weren't being met and that's not, that's okay. Yeah. I mean, when I say like, we've talked about this before, like, especially early on, I was the same way. First time in a relationship, I didn't really know

how much I, should we hang out all the time? Should we do everything together? I don't know. And when you don't, I had felt that way way before it seems like you are aware of the healthy approach to having some time apart it's just like yeah you're seeming to be struggling with even though you're aware with it aware of it when it happens why do you feel the way you do i mean i that that is interesting in in terms of uh how do you stop that i mean again all you can really do is try to communicate more i mean if you are going to go on a trip right with your girlfriends and you're gone for a period of time i understand that you were gone and he can't necessarily always like revolve around your schedule so like ideally when you're gone, he's spending time with

his friends. And then when you get back, you guys spend time together. That might not always be the case logistically. But at the same time, like it is nice to just, again, communicate that are you guys going out of way to make time for each other and talking about that. And then, you know, listen, sometimes in relationships, everyone can be a little selfish and you have to be a little selfless at times. And so if you're going to travel, like, is it reasonable to say like, well, listen, go do the thing with your friends

and make time for me when I'm back because I miss you. It doesn't always work that way. As long as you're being reasonable about it. Did you ask him when you came back? Did you tell him you wanted to spend time with him? I don't know. I feel like this is just an example.

So I'm like not 100% like fixated on that part. But yeah, I feel like I'm very, I'm still like pre-communicative. It just, I guess I just feel dumb about getting jealous. When you say jealous, what are you jealous of is jealous the right word i don't know maybe it is but like to me if you're jealous of something it's whether it's another person or or the attention they're giving like you seem to be aware of the fact that he has other interests right so yeah what exactly are you jealous of? I don't know.

Maybe, I don't know. Are you like overly self-critical about like your feelings? I mean, I don't know. I guess so. I overthink a lot. So maybe this comes into play with that. Okay.

Yeah, I feel like i try i try to do that or be like the best i can like to the other person so i mean everybody does that but um yeah i don't know i guess i don't know the answer to that question i mean listen i i don't i'm you're not giving us a ton but my guess is maybe there's uh you haven't figured out yet but when i i like when people feel insecure jealous and when people feel jealous it's because they feel insecure now that insecurity can come from themselves like which it seems like you're saying it comes from within and it might come from the other person you can be a very confident person who's not normally jealous of something.

But if you're dating someone who's like doing some shit and it's just like, I'm just feeling really insecure. Yeah. They can bring out the jealousy in you, even though you're not naturally a jealous person. Some people are naturally jealous and like they create situations that just aren't there. I honestly don't know which one it is for you. But whatever it is, I think you need to figure out what it is you're insecure about so you stop being jealous. If it is just recognizing that, and maybe he's like, not that he's doing anything wrong or he's

a bad boyfriend, but he might not be feeling some need that you have. maybe it's just the and it's okay to have needs right yeah i mean listen if i love watching struggling with and i'm like feeling like asking i'm watching like i feel like a lot of our listeners will uh might relate is that you know football season's upon us right you know i'm single so i'm single so like you know for for on a sunday other than questions of think i'm just like sitting on the couch for eight hours you're not feeling guilty god damn heaven right uh when i was in when i'm in a relationship i i don't know like i'm a packer fan so then it's just like all right well i'm watching the packer you are welcome to you don't have to i would love you to watch it with

me but by no means feel like you need to but i recognize that i can't necessarily in a relationship expect to be like unavailable every sunday afternoon anytime football's on i don't know if this is going on but you have the right in a relationship to point out, I mean, listen, I want to be reasonable here, but like, do you really need to do all this? You know, right? I don't spend so much time being so empathetic and being the best girlfriend you can be and not express to him the things that you want him to do. Don't try to be a super cool girlfriend all the time and then feel like your needs are constantly never being met. And that sounds like I'm guessing with not getting a ton of information from you is that maybe you're

fixated on being the best girlfriend ever. And at some point, and it doesn't make him a bad guy, your needs are not being met. It might be your fault because you're not ever expressing them to him. You might not be ever saying, listen, it's cool if you want to watch your game. But like, I mean, listen, let's go do some shit on a Sunday. And you cannot watch, you know, the red zone all day long. You know, like, so and then again, it's good that you are recognizing I take trips too. So I like, again, in a relationship, it's good to be selfless.

But every time you have the right to be a little selfish from time to time, as long as you're both kind of like, all right, this is what I want right now. And are you guys both willing to compromise? And are you both willing to be selfless because the other person at times wants their selfish needs met and it's a balance and if you're spending all this time being the coolest girl ever uh you're gonna constantly feel like uh you're not your needs aren't being met and my guess is that's where it's coming from this like this jealousy and insecurity is that you feel like you know well i mean he's not doing anything wrong i mean every guy likes football you know like and then you turn it on yourself and you start hating

yourself that's not okay yeah that's not okay so that's my guess so express to him when you want to hang out and even if you are being a little selfish you know that's okay from time to time you can be like i don't i don't i don't watch football all day long watch one game this is my only day off yeah you know i took a trip for four days and i understand but like why were you hanging with your guy friends then yeah you know i want to you aren't you excited don't know you have the right listen if you can't voice your needs in a relationship it's not going to work out sorry i'm relating hard uh you every time rochelle asks me for something she apologizes before she asks you always gotta call me out yeah i mean like but yeah i have a hard time expressing

my needs and but i feel like i was raised to be like a very like accommodating person. And it ultimately doesn't work out for anybody. Like it's not good for the other person either. Guys aren't looking for an overly accommodating person. There's a huge difference between like dating someone who's chill and cool versus like feeling like you can always do whatever you want. Guys aren't into that. Nope. Right? And we are human. So that, you know you know give us an inch we'll take a foot like we're human we will all do that you know like we don't don't even realize it and the and and nip it in the

bud so to speak because you are you are setting an expectation that he's getting used to and then someday you're gonna be like well i don't want to do this he's like whoa what the fuck where the fuck is this coming from like what the hell yeah and he's gonna feel justified because he's getting used to. And then someday you're going to be like, well, I don't want to do this. He's like, whoa, what the fuck? Where the fuck is this coming from? Like, what the hell? And he's going to feel justified because he's like, wait, when has this ever been a problem? Yeah, I'll throw a tantrum. You're kind of creating a monster, maybe.

I don't know. I mean, it sounds like he's a totally... Yeah, nip it in the bud. I love that. Express what you want. You both should be able to talk about what you want and you should both be able to expect the other person from time to time to act selflessly

to meet your selfish needs. All right. And there should be a balance, you know? It's crazy how you get it every time. Use that voice. Gets it every time, time huh even when you don't give me anything i know but you still got it i didn't even say anything so i'm like what the heck oh man a beautiful mind all right well thank you for calling again best of luck use that voice

thank you all right take care all right bye-bye bye it's okay to have needs we all we sometimes feel like well i mean we we've talked about All right. Take care. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. It's okay to have needs. We all, we sometimes feel like, well, I mean, we, we've talked about this a lot.

I mean, that's been my biggest takeaway with questions with Nick and his podcast is women are spending more time making sure, uh, uh, they're getting what they want. I mean, I'm sorry that they're,

they're liked by their guy. Yeah. They have to be the coolest want. I mean, I'm sorry that they're liked by their guy. Yeah. They have to be the coolest girlfriend. I mean, I don't have a lot of experience dating women like that. Only because like I, but I like, I love a woman who uses her voice.

But sometimes, but also it's interesting when I, I will never forget when i was in high school i how was like i mean i didn't really have a girlfriend girlfriend in high school but i was dating this girl for a couple weeks yeah and she's like i will do anything you want me to do she said that to you yeah but not like in a it was just like i like you like i'll do whatever you want and i immediately was like and i was immediately like yeah i don't like you yeah right i it i think you're doing the good thing by saying that was the biggest it was the biggest do whatever you want. And I immediately was like, and I was immediately like, yeah, I don't like you. Right?

You think you're doing the good thing by saying that? You're doing the wrong thing. It was the biggest turnoff for me. Yeah. Not every, everyone's different, but everyone, a lot of, like everyone likes to chase,

everyone likes to challenge. Even in a relationship, you got to keep each other on your toes. Yeah. If you, you know, especially the women out there, stop trying to be

so cool and i say this like the thing i've missed most in relationships for myself personally is like hey i i have bought a girlfriend a t-shirt that said chill out that's no nick no no it was it was actually gifted to me it was which girlfriend i'm not gonna say uh it was gifted to me it had mickey mouse and he was like lying on a shirt and it said chill out and i just know actually she actually laughed about it she recognized that it wasn't a strength of hers my point is it's like uh again it's a balance right yeah but uh men do love a girl who who can chill you know who doesn't make a big, but they also want someone who expects things from them.

And if you're going to let a watch, you know, if you're going to let a football fan watch football all day long, he will. But it's also okay to be like, all right, watch your game. I get it. You're a fan of football. But like, I also want to do this. We have shit to do, babe. Yeah. And if you're with a target

if you're expressing your needs with a guy and he acts like you're like the devil incarnate like that's not okay either okay either but if you spend two years just being the coolest girl offer and like making him dip in chips while he ignores you and watches football, then one day you have an issue with it, he's going to be confused. This is hitting stiff. So it's just about a balance. Yeah. But that's, my guess is what's bugging her, is that she doesn't like it and she doesn't know how to say it.

And she thinks she's wrong for feeling that way. She's not wrong. Wow, we're really changing people's lives. And by we, I mean you. All right, what is your name? My name is Mackenzie, and I'm unfortunately 40. That's nothing to be unfortunate about. But hey, Mackenzie, thanks for pointing it out.

And going forward, callers, name and age. That way we just get off the bat. We don't have to spend a lot of time asking. How can we help you, Mackenzie? Okay, well, I'll try to make this short. That way we just like get off the bat. We don't have to spend a lot of time asking. How can we help you, Mackenzie? Okay. Well, I'll try to make this short. So I've been with my fiance for seven years. We started dating in 2012, about six months after I got divorced.

I also have two little girls. Well, they're not really that little anymore, 13 and 11. And we dated for probably, well, we dated for five years. He proposed in 2017, the day the Eagles won the Super Bowl. So if they wouldn't have won, if they wouldn't have won, I don't know. So he proposed, we were together for five years, and he proposed the day the Eagles won the Super Bowl.

It was his birthday. And it was his birthday, okay. And it was his birthday. And it was just kind of... Did he have a ring picked out? Yeah, he had a ring. It was his birthday, and it was just kind of... Did he have a ring picked out? Yeah, he had a ring. It was awkward. Like, he got down after the game was over.

He got down on one knee, and he said, oh, only one thing could make this day better, and then he just kind of showed me the ring. I bet you were super hot about the Eagles winning the Super Bowl. What'd you say i'm being sarcastic but it sounded like it maybe wasn't the engagement you had imagined no even my eight my daughter at the time was eight or nine i can't remember and she was like well are you gonna ask her or not you know and he just, he's not, obviously not a man of many words, but, um, I guess my question is, I feel like he proposed just because it was the thing

to do, or he wanted to get me, you know, not off his back, but it was the next step or he felt like he didn't want to break up. So it was either get married or break up. And ever since then, every time I try to bring it up or and people are constantly asking us, so when are you setting the date? When is it going to happen? When, you know, blah, blah, blah. It's just kind of he's always just kind of like I don't know you know one of these days and I've told him I don't care if we go like we can go to the courthouse and sign a paper and get married and come home and just say surprise we're married and have a big

party at our house and everything's fine I really really truly don't care. Um, and you know, I've talked to my friends many times about, about this and they've asked me those questions like, well, is it really all about being married or are you happy just being together and having this relationship? But at this point, I think having my girls, um, you know, they've been with him, lived with him longer than they have their own dad. And there are just some things that are important to me about being married. It's not the wedding. It's certain things that come along with being married to someone. Like what?

Well, if you want a really kind of pathetic answer. I just want an honest answer. Well, you'll find this out sometime, Nick, whenever you have children and bring home papers and they bring home like 5,000 papers on the first day of school. And they ask who, you know, your child lives with and you say, mom, sister and mom's boyfriend when you're 40 years old. It's kind of weird. And things like, you know, if I were ever to get sick, that I would have my husband, you know, to make certain arrangements for me. I know really sad and depressing things, I know, but just different things like that. Mackenzie, didn't you say something about your friend getting married and he your boyfriend didn't even was like freaked out

yeah i could go on forever well i mean listen it's safe to say he doesn't want to get married it's like that seems pretty obvious right exactly and that's the thing and i just wanted to hear it from you you've made it you've made it i wanted i wanted it. I want it. I want it. Well, I wanted, you know, what is it? Subjective, objective, whatever the point of view is from somebody else who's not immediately involved. I just truly don't think he wants to get married. And he's doing a lot of weird things lately. Like he forgot that one of his best friends was getting married this weekend. Now, my daughter runs cross-country, and she has this huge meet this Saturday that I had to go to. But I was home by like 3 o'clock. I could have easily gotten ready and gotten to the reception and no big deal. But he acted as though, I don't know. He didn't tell me about it

until Tuesday night and said he forgot about the wedding. Let me ask. And then he went and got all dressed up and... Okay, this is fine. Let me interrupt. Wait, wait, wait. Mackenzie. Sorry. No, that's fine. Like I said, I'm sure you could go on and on with a bunch of things that bug you.

Listen, you have the right to want to get married. I'm not here to tell you what is important to you you or whatnot. I would challenge you to try not to make your decisions, such big decisions in life that are super permanent, potentially, based on what other people think of you. Try not to do that. If you want to get married, get married. Don to get married get married don't get married because you're worried about uh the social construct of of of your daughter's mom having a boyfriend i mean you know um that's not a reason to get married that's not the only reason i'm not saying it is but like just i just want to point that out um you should you know also when it comes to like making arrangements, boyfriends can do that too, you know. They can be legal guardians, all those things.

Get married because you want to get married. Now, that aside, your boyfriend, minus his not wanting to get married, so let's just assume he has no real desire to get married. Is he a good partner? No. Okay. Oh.

So, listen, I... I mean, sometimes he is hilarious. He makes me laugh. He has good moments. We have fun together. We have good times. But at the end of the day... You just have to figure out how much of this marriage thing has become a problem with your relationship have you brought it up so much obsessively and because he doesn't want to get

married he he's he's kind of acting out uh that way um or is he just not meeting your expectations but you're like you've decided well i'm 40 and i've kind of dated this guy for so long so like fuck it i'll just i'll you know we're engaged i'll just marry him and and this is the best i'll do you know you have to decide for yourself what uh the world you've kind of created for yourself uh you have to i mean listen i say this and i know you know from a social construct and stereotypes it might feel differently to be a woman at 40 than a man at 40 but part of that too is like you know we talk about their their uh their maternal clock you have two beautiful daughters i don't know if you want more kids or not but like i mean shit if i had two kids i wouldn't feel any like i would feel less pressure for myself because for me a big part of its desire

is to to have kids So if I had kids younger and like that relationship didn't work and I was dating and trying to find my life partner, I feel like I would be a little more patient and more open to like what that partner looks like. You have kids and you have loving daughters. So you have the rest of your life, which is still hopefully a very long time. You know, you're still pretty young to be very selective and have higher expectations about who your partner is. As opposed to just settling on some guy who like thinks it's super romantic to propose on his birthday and when the Eagles win the Super Bowl. Oh, man.

You know, like you don't have the pressure of, of finding, uh, the, the father of your children. You've done that. Right. And the, you know, so, and, and, and their father and I, we have a great relationship too. I mean, everything, you know, we get along fine. We cope very well. So everything's fine. I just truly, like you said, I truly don't think he wants to get married. And I don't know if it's specifically said i truly don't think he wants to get married and i don't know if it's specifically me i don't think i think any girl i just well also he goes in the bedroom every night and plays video games don't let oh no don't let him not wanting to get married have anything like again now you might be stuck in a rut of of trying to convince this guy who doesn't want to get married to marry you

and now you feeling like you're not enough. Powerless. You're stuck in a relationship trying to convince a guy you barely even like or don't feel like you're getting needs are met just because you're trying to feel like you're enough. I used to think that way, but I don't think I'm feeling that way anymore.

I think it's kind of coming to a head now where I don't. He doesn't want to get married, and it has nothing to do with you. No, nothing to do with you. And even if he doesn't want to marry you, that's not reason to let your ego stay in a relationship. You don't have to, you're not looking for the father of your kids. Your kids have a father. You have a seemingly pretty good relationship with their father.

You can really be selfish here about the rest of your life and the partner that you really deserve. So like if it happens when you're 45, then hopefully you have 30 years with this person and he treats you well and he gives you what you need. Then you will be married then as opposed to like just being married to a guy that like you don't have to worry about your kids at school. Like in what seven to eight years, your kids will be in college and no one's going to give a shit about that. Is that really reason to panic about like what a couple judgy other moms might

think? I don't know. Yeah. No one gives a shit. I don't think it's about that. Only you. i get that you want to be but uh it sounds like you're really settling in my opinion yes i agree no i agree here's what i think your first step should be i do want to be married and i do want to first of all blended families are hard and they're really hard and i do want to be married and i do want to have a family but you're right i don't want to settle

and to just you know we own a house together and that stinks that sucks but we're gonna have to figure out what to do with that and you know manageable created a life together and it's the easy thing to do is to stay and settle, like you said. But I can't do that. Here's what I think your first step should do short of you just like breaking up tomorrow. And if you want to do that, I support you. But I would just say, hey, listen, Bob, whatever his name is. Are you free tomorrow, Nick?

No. That's what I want to know. Be a breakup coach? No. That's what I want to know. Be a breakup coach? But you should let them know that, listen, I don't think we should be engaged right now. I want to be engaged with someone who wants to get married, and I'm fine with you not wanting to get married.

But the fact that we're engaged with no plan of getting married, it seems a little silly to me. So I would rather just not be engaged. And then if you want to see how he reacts and goes from there, maybe that's enough to kick him in the ass and realize it. But right now, again, you're just letting him, you're just waiting for him. So take control and take some of that power back. And some of that power back is saying, I don't need to get married to you and i'm not going to say yes to an engagement with no plans of getting married so just start there and point that out see what he says if he does panic and react that's not his actual thought that's just a reaction see how he acts he won't whatever i mean all i'm saying is he's got too big of an ego he won't react so start there but like my guess is also because you own a house, you've been together so long,

it will probably get a little messy before you completely sever ties. And probably if he has an ego, he will probably maybe say mean things or say things that make you feel manipulated and powerless. But I think you should focus on what you... Again, think of it this way. You have all the advantages here, right? You don't have... Like, other than wanting to get married, which we all do, like, you're not... You don't have any other things controlling your decisions. You know, this is not about like, I want to have a family. You have a family, you know? Right. This is all about the rest of your life which is a really long time so you should be really picky and then you should feel like wow why am i spending all this energy on something

that's like oh i don't need this because you really don't yeah like you have your go get laid by like some guy who's just gonna like not play video games okay you know fuck around for a while shit you know yeah get that gorgeous face out there yeah go get some d um yeah i feel like you should do that okay stop worrying about what the other moms are saying well honestly like i i think i worry more about what they say than what they really are saying. Probably. But you're still doing it. Exactly.

So you should stop doing that. Yeah. Yeah, being married. I feel like a lot of people who are married to people they don't want to be married to, which there's a few out there, would tell you that marrying the wrong person isn't that great. So, uh, right.

Don't try to marry the wrong person. You're trying really hard to marry the wrong person right now. And marrying him, isn't going to fix everything and make everything. It will make it worse. It'll give him more. He'll be like, eh,

now she really is stuck with me. Yeah. All right. Well, hopefully that was helpful. Uh, gonna be great it was very helpful thank you so much all right take care bye thanks guys i mean i don't have a huge takeaway other than i feel like we should also just continue to stop spending so much energy trying to uh uh do what other people think we should do. And we shouldn't be in such a rush to get the rest of our lives right. Get it all settled for the rest of our lives

so we don't have to worry about anything. It seems so counterintuitive. I'm such in a rush to like, take it and have forever happen. Yeah. If you're gonna be in a rush for something that you hope to last forever, you should probably really take your time.

And it's so interesting, too, what you said about, like, giving, she gave her power away by instead being like, oh, he's not meeting my needs. She makes it, he doesn't want to marry me. Where instead of being like, no, he's not what I want. Yeah, I mean. It's crazy. But we do that all the time. We do that.

Because he's like i am i don't know if i want to get married all she is she's just focused on that and now she has he has all the power you're like yeah i don't know if i want to maybe maybe maybe someday i don't know i'm gonna go play video games cool all right well let that marinate hi what's your name hi i'm kendall i'm 24 years old kendall 24 years old how are you doing kendall i'm good how are y'all um so good how can we help so i got engaged about two months ago congratulations well thank you How's it going? It's good. It could be better, I guess.

That's why I'm calling. I've just been, I guess, overanalyzing everything in our relationship since getting engaged as far as our compatibility and where we want to end up in life and things like that. So I just want to know if that's normal. I don't know. I feel like I should be happier right now than I am. I'm just getting a lot of anxiety and it's like starting to affect our sex life even. So. I don't like using the word normal sometimes when it comes to this, because I don't know if there's no such thing in relationships in terms of what is normal. And I think sometimes we use, we, we do things or don't do things because we'll, we just want to be like everyone else and we want to be normal.

Why did you get engaged? Why? Yeah. I mean, he asked. We love each other. Sure. Why'd you get engaged uh because we wanted to get married at the time for sure like 100 honestly a lot of his friends are engaged right now so i feel like he felt maybe the pressure of that okay now we're getting somewhere it was just kind of the next step did you guys talk a lot about engagement before um we talked about getting engaged we didn't really talk about what all that

meant i guess and like what we saw our future to be how long are you dating for before you got how long were you dating before you got engaged um just a year so not too long uh what do you want to do with your life? You, yourself, thinking totally selfishly, what do you want to do with your life? Totally selfishly. Um, I'm a hairstylist. I really wanted to open my own salon. Um, I've thought about relocating.

I love to travel. Um, I'm very business minded, So I kind of wanted to invest somewhere in that, invest in my career and see where it took us or took me, I guess. Interesting. And does he know this? Yeah. How do you feel about his support in your dreams? your dreams? Um, so he's also a business owner and our, I guess our businesses don't really go together or grow together very well. Um, his keeps us in a small town right now. I'm commuting like an hour and a half to work every day. Um, just to do hair. The time you live in doesn't have do you uh do you feel inside like maybe you are destined for a slightly more exciting life than you are living oh my gosh okay maybe oh no i'm getting nervous such a normal feeling um you've never felt that way have you

i don't think you should feel wrong about that do you sometimes feel guilty about that all the time yeah i don't think you should right um i think you can have those feelings and still get married early as long as that person has those same desires is it safe to say that he seems a little bit more comfortable with kind of settling down and and kind of staying relative to where he grew up etc etc and and definitely yeah my guess is that's probably where your anxiety is coming from um and i don't think you should ignore that. It's not going to change. Have you guys talked about this?

Are you aware of this? Yeah, we've talked about it a little bit. Honestly, before we got engaged, I think we both had this moment of panic where I was worried that I'd be stuck in the same town the rest of my life. And he picked up on it. What did he say? And he didn't want me to resent him in the future.

That's good for him to acknowledge. Yeah. But you might. Okay, so he didn't want you to resent him. But what was his response to, like, what are we going to do about this? He basically just told me that um with his company with his business there was no way for him to move okay currently or to relocate to a bigger city um and he couldn't even promise within the next five years that we'd be moving and there's

no right or wrong answer for either of you but but whose career takes more of a priority in the relationship? Right now, his does. Okay. And when you say right now, do you feel like that could ever change? So, he is in line to take over his dad's company in the next few years. Family business. That's it. So he's not going anywhere.

No. Unless he decided to take it a different direction, which there's a possibility, but I don't know if he really wanted to do that. Sure, but it's also not going to happen, most likely. And if it does, that's down the road. So you just really need to be honest with yourself about what you really want and if this is the guy that you want the rest of your life with. That's a long time. You're super young. I don't doubt that he's a great guy. I don't doubt

that you love him. And I'm not telling you what to do do i'm just telling you not to ignore or feel guilty about the things that you want for yourself uh i think it's okay to be selfish uh especially younger in your life so that you don't like you might resent him in the future uh but if he is not willing to actually do anything about it then maybe you're not the right one for him. Right? If this is the life he wants, he has the right to have that, but he should also be with someone who is happy about that. Because that feeling of feeling unsettled or feeling like, I mean, you're going to be 30 and just be bored out of your goddamn mind, and you're going to feel, you are going to resent them if that's how you feel. Yeah.

And stuffing it down and putting it away and be like, well, I love him. And he's a nice guy. He's a great guy. He provides for me. These are all nice things. And maybe he's a great guy. But if you want something else, then you should look for it. You know, I don't marry him and then resent him.

That's not fair to him. No, I agree. Yeah, I think you should think about those feelings too. It's also, but listen, there's a balance too. I mean, there's always a bunch of different options you guys can have. If you want to marry him and he's the guy for you and his family business is important, which I totally get.

I mean, I'm not in that situation, but I can recognize there's ways of doing things exciting. There's a ways to support you. You could travel a lot. things exciting. There's a ways to support you. You could travel a lot. If he wants you in his life and he wants to respect your dreams and desires, he's going to have to make some considerable effort to make that happen. I don't know what that looks like, but he needs to really go out of his way to make you feel like you're living your best life. He can't just expect you to say, well, listen, I got this family business and this is how we're going to make money. And so you need to be okay with this. He can't tell you how to feel. So there's a world in which

he could have his cake and eat it too, but it's going to take a lot of effort and some sacrifice on his part and some selflessness of going out of his way to make your desire as a priority and not just expect you to be a happy housewife and the mother of his kids. That's kind of how it feels right now. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like, you know, and that's, it can be normal and in fairness to him, he just probably doesn't realize that but i i i would the only thing i'd tell you is most things don't change and i would make sure you see that type of uh of actions that you need from him before you get married i wouldn't base that on promises of down the line things will change babe and let's let me get through this need to, you need to see it before you get married.

Yeah. I, you know, you're young. I feel like you need to get out of anything. Get out of Dodge. I think you need to get out of Dodge, so to speak.

That's scary. Yeah. Life is scary. Also super exciting. I don't regret any of the risks i've ever taken um yeah it's always scary in the moment um man when i used there were a couple people i thought i was going to get engaged to and i was convinced and and great people i'm glad i'm not there and um you know me personally i've had an interesting life so far, and there's been ups and downs,

and there's been things I'm like, I wish that wouldn't happen. I'll tell you this much. If I die tomorrow, when I die, I'm 90, I'll look back and be like, that was pretty cool. That was pretty exciting. There's a balance too, right? Don't be so selfish that you're only thinking about your needs. It's just in a relationship, it's about doing things for each other and supporting. In any relationship, you should both make sure that you're prioritizing each other's dreams. That dream for some people might be being a mom, and that's great. And for other people, it's something else. And for men, it's all different. But expecting someone else to live your dream is not a great way to have a mutually happy relationship, especially if two people decide to get married young.

So if you want to get married young, make sure that you're very cognizant and aware of the other people's dreams and make sure you're going out of your way to help their dreams come true. He doesn't seem to be able to or willing to do that right now. So how would you start that dialogue?

I would just be honest. Yeah. I would tell him. You know, try to do it in a non-threatening way at first. Trust your gut here. I think we talk about that a lot, but it's really important to really feel like he's not going to do it. I also wouldn't be like defensive.

You just kind of say, hey, babe, I've been thinking a lot about that. I know we talked about this before. And I get where you're coming from. I do. I support your family business. I understand you want to, but this is what I need and I want. And the truth is, I probably will resent you if this is the life that we live. So, you know, but you also need to start being specific of what you want. And again, we don't

know. If deep down you feel like you just need to move to New York and just do your shit, then maybe you guys need to not be engaged. Or maybe you should go on The Bachelor. I think she should be on The Bachelor. But I guess what I'm saying is, you know, don't have a conversation with him if deep down you already know the answer to. That's true. You know, like sometimes like deep down you might know. Yeah. And then you bring it to his attention.

You try to figure out, well, what should we do? You kind of know. And I'm not saying that's the answer but i kind of wonder if maybe you do know deep down that uh there's things that you could if you could do anything you wanted and you knew that you would be happy at the end what would you do you know would it be listen to your heart would it be moving to new y New York and figuring it out and meeting friends and being poor for a while? I think that's the way. And meeting some random guy in the subway and having him throw you up against the wall.

Stop! And have some fun. Maybe that's something you think about. And if it is, you know, starting your own salon in an exciting city and and meeting some girlfriends and have that sex in the city lifestyle if you want that you have a right to have that uh and just because your friends decided to have kids that's and they and they have the right to have that and you both have the right to do that and and none of that is normal or unnormal so yeah that makes sense regret is a real thing don't make no mistake people like i don't believe And none of that is normal or unnormal.

Yeah, that makes sense. Regret is a real thing. Don't make no mistake. People are like, I don't believe in regrets. Fuck, people have regrets all the fucking time. And so it's on you to make the choices for yourself. It's selfish to actually lead people on and pretend you want what they want and then not be happy. So you just got to be honest. So whatever you do with your fiance,

be honest with yourself first. Don't make him out like, and that's what I'm saying is like, if you know what you want, it's not fair to him to get him to think about all these ways he can save a relationship that deep down might not be savable. So I'm just kind of giving you scenarios here, but like it's hard to know with so much information and I'm not trying to lead you down a path. I think you just really need to be honest with yourself about what you really want and what's going to make you happy. And as a young 24-year-old woman, you have the right to be selfish. And in the long term, it's selfless to him to do what's right for you. And he has the right to do his thing too. Yeah.

He's not giving you a lot of flexibility here. No. So I hope that's helpful. It's definitely helpful. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Be honest with yourself first.

I'm sensing from you, you kind of know deep down and you feel a little bit trapped about Don't feel trapped where you're from that is a good word yeah yeah you're not though you're definitely not trapped uh i've been engaged before i'm still single and i'm still alive um so you can get out of an engagement i know that much harder to get out of a marriage i know that much harder yeah harder still to to to live this life a few down you want once you start having children oh yeah um now would be the time don't be selfish when you have two kids and are married and at 30 freak out and lose your shit what some people do so don't do

that you got this girl so you're very beautiful as rochelle said you could probably do anything you want so yeah might be the time to do it do it be selfish early so you can be selfless later whoa good advice best of luck thank you

take care bye be selfish now so you can be selfless later put that on a t-shirt people I mean that's almost like I feel like a dangerous thing to say so like right now at any moment I can be selfish because I'll be selfless later

but in her case yeah especially if you're younger yeah she's in her mind, she's like, I am too hot for this town and I cannot settle down. Trapped is the worst feeling, but it's often not the reality.

When are you ever really trapped? Yeah. We are a victim of our own prisons we create. Yeah, I mean, I feel like this is kind of a common one. The family business is a tricky one. There's a lot to live up to. I think as a young man to try to do that, and I totally get his point of view.

I think you have two people wanting what they want and pretending that they're interested in what the other person wants. And I think that happens a lot. And then they're both trying to live up to the expectations of their family and friends around them. It would be unfair to both of them to it sounds like maybe get married anytime soon yeah she wants to like move to a big city yeah yeah and she's gonna kill it she's moved

i said new york but maybe dallas if you're listening or austin oh austin oh she'll kill it in austin kill it in Austin. I mean, yeah. Well, what a great episode. Once again. What a great episode. I don't know if we have an overwhelming takeaway. Overwhelming? Over...

I think it's okay to have needs and do what you want. Yeah, we'll probably say that a lot. It's... Well, maybe that is. We talked a lot about being selfish. Yeah, be selfish. And that's, it's better for everyone, ultimately. In moments, sure. You have to, like, if you don't ever feel like your needs are being met, then you won't be happy. And there is a balance, right? Yeah. Selfish, interesting enough, really selfish people constantly accuse other people of being selfish and selfless people

are always worried about being selfish interestingly enough interesting think about it right because if you're really a selfish person in nature

if you're always thinking about your needs then anyone who's thinking about their needs seems selfish right right right you're just like

well how can you possibly expect me to do that? You selfish person. Let's bring this back to me. Yeah. And so, and then people who like our other caller who is so worried about being the cool chick, she's just worried at any moment being like, well, actually I want to do this. And is that okay to like be selfish right here?

Bad, bad, bad. My mom, incredibly selfish person, is not good at saying, I want this right now. I mean, she has a lot of other people to think about. And it's, I think it's a challenge

for people. And so, if you're at a selfish dick, don't be. And maybe get better at recognizing other people have needs too. If you are so used,

if you're so worried about constantly doing things for yourself, it is okay to be a little selfish from time to time. And that is, once again, just a balance and you get to it by communicating.

Well, be sure to send in your questions to asknickatcastmedia.com. Asknickatcastmedia.com. Don't forget to rate us five stars. We'll see you Wednesday. We will see you Wednesday, as always. Have a great day.