The Viall Files - E430 Ask Nick - Worried About Stripper Sister

Episode Date: June 6, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! In this episode we welcome back our listeners to give advice in their current situationships. Our first caller has been dating a guy for five months, with everything going smoothly. The only problem, he won’t fully commit to being her boyfriend, and she doesn’t know how to approach a situation when this guy gives effort but not labels. Our next caller struggles when she feels that her younger sister is going down a certain path that she disagrees with. She talks about how her sister has gotten tattoos and now has become a stripper. Our caller feels like she can’t tell her family and wonders how she can help her sister, she is concerned is in danger, or if she’s just pushing her morals onto someone else. Our last caller feels uncomfortable with her sexuality, admitting that she hasn’t told her current boyfriend that she’s dated a woman in the past. Now with a new girl in the picture, her emotions feel stirred up, as she struggles to come to terms with how she feels and how she should go about navigating this new situation with her current boyfriend.  “Guilt exacerbates everything.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Ten Thousand: Get 15% off your purchase when you go to http://TenThousand.cc/VIALL  Canva: Get a FREE 45-day extended trial when you go to http://www.Canva.me/VIALL  Peloton: Right now is the perfect time to try out Peloton, the Peloton Bike+ is now $500 less. Visit http://www.OnePeloton.com to learn more.  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by joined by Amanda in the studio. Allie, still, just... For context of people who don't watch the visuals and can't see our outfits, we record a lot in one day. I haven't been on COVID watch for eight weeks. I don't know why you have to ruin the bit.

A COVID Rapunzel. Yeah. I'm literally in the tower. We take it very seriously on this show three week quarantine Allie did you find a date to your wedding to which one there's so many which one

cousin's wedding yeah I just RSVP'd to my cousin's wedding alone so that was fun said I did not have a guest so we're just rolling with it yeah I feel like there's nothing to be sad about we're just rolling with it it's disappointing but here we are i feel like people should were you guaranteed a plus one

should you give someone a plus one if you know they are not in a serious relationship she doesn't know probably no it's an's an interesting, well, I think for people who are trying to keep, if they have like venue capacity limits and are trying to keep their wedding small, it will be like, like I know my cousin is doing like, unless you are like living together or married, you don't get a plus one. Yeah. But this place is huge. My sister isn't giving me a plus one, but my cousin did. So it's like everybody gets a plus one probably from your cousin. I'm guessing although i reminded my other cousin to rsvp just now because i had a feeling she'd forget and she just broke

up with her boyfriend but no one knows that they were living together and she didn't even get a plus one but i did why maybe i don't know maybe because your sister got one since she was like that's what i was telling her i was like maybe maybe they felt bad that i would it would be like yeah i don't know but it was funny anyway i definitely don't think you should be disappointed but it's just a weird thing to be like i'm just saying like you get invited to a wedding right and getting a plus like curious could you have invited a friend i would never have used a plus one for a friend. I feel like that's just, like, costing someone money for you to, like, have your own mini party at theirs. Okay, fair enough.

I get that. But I'm just saying, so you invite someone, and it's like it's not their fault, but, like, whether you applied a pressure to yourself or they inadvertently applied pressure to you. It has nothing to do with the fact that it was offered. It was just me having a realization of, I thought for a second I would have someone. And I have another wedding in September and I have my sister's wedding in October. And so at some point I was like, what a nice trio to invite someone to. But it's okay. It's definitely okay.

Dance by myself. Have we heard from gym guy at all? Nope. All right right for the best eat shit eat shit gym guy get over yourself and what about wedding guy i haven't really heard much from him okay i was gonna say ellie now that you're going without a plus one you might meet someone at the wedding yeah now you're going in, free agent, available, can set your sights on anyone. Yeah. It was stressful last time though, because then all eyes are on you. Everyone's watching you talk, watching you dance. Wait, when you go alone? Well, when I met Wedding Guy,

everyone was talking about it. Everyone was watching us the whole night. I woke up to multiple texts the next day asking what happened if we'd slept together like it was like you were under a microscope that's how boring everyone else's lives are so that should make you feel better yeah that's what the bride said because i cried multiple times and she was like honestly tell them to mind their own business why'd you cry it was overwhelming okay i think you just go have fun yeah yeah Also that can be overwhelming You take someone you're like kind of into To a wedding No it was overwhelming to meet someone there

And then watch everyone watch us meet No I know I know what you're saying I'm saying it all can be overwhelming Short of like I always had fun going solo at weddings And not because I met people It's just fun to go. I don't know.

You know, I love it because I know I have a DD in my father. So I'm just going to have some drinks and have fun. I like using it as an excuse to dress up. Hmm. You know? Also, great dance floors at weddings. Like, nobody's, like, trying to impress people. It's not a judgmental.

It's like everyone's just like, you're next to aunts, 60-year-old aunts just shimmying. Yeah, you're going to go there and everyone's going to be like, talk to you about LA and work and what exciting guests you got to meet. I work for a former bachelor, Nick Valle.

Sure, yeah. But yeah, there's a lot of exciting... Everyone will want to talk to you. Well, then I got to step up my outfit game. Be like, what was Mary like from Selling Sunset? I'm sure there's a lot of Selling Sunset fans. Absolutely. Over in Minnesota.

Well, they're all from Wisconsin, so they're your people. There you go. Wow. Maybe you should bring Nick as a platonic plus one to the wedding. Oh my God, imagine. I can't imagine anything funnier than the two of you attending a wedding together. I don't like going to strange weddings.

I like going to weddings that I know people. I am not good at being on an island. Well, we have a great episode for you. Don't forget to send your emails at asknigacastme.com. Cast with a K. The Stallone sisters on Going Deeper this week.

Another riveting freestyle tomorrow. When should we start? When should we do like the Bachelor bio? Maybe we do that with Caitlin. Caitlin Bristow's coming on the show a week from Tuesday. should we do like the bachelor bio maybe we do that with caitlin caitlin bristow's coming uh on the show uh a week from tuesday is there a way to put in a request for some spade and sparrows

i'm sure she'll be glad to bring some for sure uh maybe we'll maybe we'll break down the bachelor guys with caitlin uh that's that's next week next week he ends with us next tuesday tomorrow's a surprise so get ready for that let's get to our callers let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going good yeah how Yeah. How are you doing? Good. What's your name? My name is Sarah. I'm 28. How can I help? I'm from the US, but I'm currently located in London, England. I've never been. I really want to go.

No. Yeah. I highly recommend. All right. How can I help? So I find myself in a bit of a strange dating situation. And public opinion has been split on what I should do moving forward. So 100% my opinion will be the right one. I'm just kidding. Yeah. Yeah. Hopefully we'll see. Yeah. So a bit of background I matched with someone on a dating app here on hinge back in the end of November and context. I mean, he's also not from London or from the UK.

He's from another European country, if that provides any context. We'll see. Yeah, so we went on a first date back in December. And really since then, things have progressed pretty steadily moving forward. So we see each other two to three times a week. We text pretty consistently when we don't see each other. Europeans love voice messages. So we often communicate that way.

Instead of just texting. Like voice notes? Yeah. Voice notes. Yeah. I'm a big fan. I'm a huge fan. Yeah. Yeah. They're kind of fun. Yeah. Yeah. Especially when you don't have time to actually have a phone call or

something, you can hear someone's voice or something um and we had one conversation about sort of exclusivity back in February so he had asked me out for dinner on Valentine's Day and then a few days later the conversation kind of came up about where we were at and at that time we sort of agreed just moving forward what we agreed to is that we would be exclusively seeing one another nothing more than that it would just be like we wouldn't be dating anyone else or sleeping with anyone else so yeah fast forward to now it's been like five months and things from my point of view have been going very well um so i thought last week, I thought, okay, maybe I'll bring up the conversation about sort of where this is headed. So for five months, you had agreed to not see other people

who are not boyfriend and girlfriend yet. And then you just kind of kept that kind of status for five months. Yeah. Yeah. So it's been just about five months now. Okay. Yeah. So so I brought the conversation and had expected it to just sort of be pretty straightforward like yeah we're kind of already in a relationship since this is where that and that was not the response that I got what did you get so his response is sort of I really enjoyed I like what we, but I can't commit to the label of boyfriend. Did you ask why? Yeah. Well, so this is a bit of a tricky thing. So because I had expected this to be a pretty

straightforward conversation, I had to leave to go to work. So we then ended up meeting up two days later. And what ensued was like a two to three hour conversation about why that is intimidating for him um and i guess there are a few reasons but the biggest thing i guess what he said is that he doesn't have the best model of what relationship is um from his childhood with his parents. And what, what, what, and how'd you respond? How did I respond? Yeah. I basically said to him, I asked him what he thought would change between us if we were to define this as a relationship, because from my point of view, that's sort of what we'd already been doing. Um, he didn't have a really an answer. I mean, I don't think you could really give an answer that would be contrary

because you couldn't really disagree with what oh so he he referenced his childhood or upbringing or a lack of a model is he is it well one despite his lack of model does is that does he want to settle down at all i mean did you guys talk about like his overall hopes for himself as an individual like does he want to get married and have kids someday yeah so i i did ask him i said so his his job his careers um he works in like uh he's an actor so he works entertainment industry. So he said he's not sure. I think he's sort of in a time in his life where he wants maybe be able to be a bit more selfish. How old is he? Choosing to take almost 30.

Okay. Which is fair enough. I mean, in my own life, I've often chosen to move abroad selfishly. And I guess that was another reason why. But I asked him, you know, in a potential version of your life, it doesn't have to be the version you see, but is there a potential version where you would see yourself getting married or settling down? And to that, he did say yes as well so my response would be to that regardless of when the someday is i am curious what is he going to do to get him to that place of marriage because he's referring to

not having the right model so maybe he's like referring to some like childhood trauma. I don't know. But like, what is he doing to set himself up for success? Ultimately, is really the question. Like, if he wants to someday get married, then I'm sure he wants to be successful in that. He's saying that I don't think I have a good like playbook for to be successful. And I'm just want to know what are his plans to go about getting there yes so this is what I asked him this is where we sort of left the conversation where he said I think I obviously have things I need to think about but his where we sort of left it was it was sort of put in my hands to say he said like I would like to keep seeing you I don't want to throw away what we have

but knowing I have things I need to decide um so it was kind of left in my hands to say either like no we just break things off and end it or if I say okay yeah we keep dating for a few months the obvious question is like why doesn't he want like it's been five months what the fuck I don't understand like why like is he yes yeah is he low key, like hooking up with other people? I would hope not. I mean, yeah, if I, he, I would have no reason not to trust him. Like nothing he's done would give me a reason to think that he's lying when he says that he's not.

And if you like, if he found out that you were back on the dating apps, he would lose his shit. You'd be hurt. Um, yeah, I, he wouldn't the dating apps, he would lose his shit. You'd be hurt. Yeah. I, he wouldn't, I mean, he wouldn't be happy because I did ask him sort of if an option would be

that we could kind of keep seeing each other, but then I, they would start seeing other people or open up that option again. And he was sort of like, no, no, I don't, I don't want to do that.

You're even giving them options. Yeah. Well, it was also sort of options for myself. no, no, I don't want to do that. You're even giving him options. Yeah. Well, it was also sort of options for myself. No, I know. If I want to. Stop letting the men in your life look like fools when they're working out. It's embarrassing for everyone, themselves, for you.

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Canva dot me slash V-I-A- i a l l and what are people split on you said people are split on yeah so kind of 50 of the people the friends and family i've spoken to have said yeah keep dating him for a few months it has only been five months you're not like in love with each other um see how it goes like have a timeline in mind for yourself and like see how it goes you don't necessarily just share that with him the other half have sort of just said yeah just cut and run like this this should be a big enough red flag that you sort of just drop it and leave they're not really that opposing point of views if i'm understanding because there's one one of you is maybe give it a few

more months and the other people are like you have an answer now i mean what's a few more months in the grand scheme of things you know i'm like i can't sit there and say you would be insane to give it a couple more months it it like i don't i'm also not expecting much to change in a couple months yeah you know like every time i don't know how it was for you to move to london but like you know i moved to la it's a big city it's different and i've had friends move to la when people move to la i'm always like people are always like i'm just gonna you know i'm gonna give it a couple months and see how it goes and i'm like well that's gonna come and go real fast and you're gonna feel like you've accomplished nothing so like you should get that few months

like timeline out of your head because like you have to give it like you should get that few months like timeline out of your head because like you have to give it a full year to really make living here start working for you it takes time to make friends to feel like home and until then it's just going to feel weird same thing kind of goes with you know what's going to happen in a few months is like that's the like the pragmatic practical answer for peace of mind. If you want to give it a couple months, like sure, go ahead. I definitely think it's a red flag. The answers you're getting from this guy about like your potential future with

him. Right. Yeah. You know, cause I don't, what's going to change. So like the real fear for you is that it's not a few more months that you get sucked into like a five-year situationship that which hey listen the more you spend time with him the harder it will be to leave him like the more connected you feel towards him the more investment you put into this relationship in him the harder that's harder and sadder it will be for you to ever walk away no it's true so that's something you want to consider

and i don't think a few months is going to drastically change his point of view in fact the only thing that's really going to change his point of view is to show him how valuable you are to him. And usually that requires you saying you can't have some of me. Right. Yeah, if you don't want to fully commit. Because five months is definitely a long enough time to like play it slow like usually people like say like you know let's yeah i don't want to get carried away we've only been dating for you know a month or so like but i don't want to like have sex with other people and i'd love to like know

that you're not having sex with people let's focus on this let's see where it goes that's reasonable after five months like either you're going to date or you're not like is this a thing kind of where you're at like you were right to think this is like shouldn't really be a big conversation you know yeah maybe maybe you could have checked in a little earlier and i don't what what what made you be so patient like i'm all curious about that like because like even five months seems like a long time between not sleeping with other people and the next check-in. Yeah, I don't even know if I have a good answer to that question for myself. Yeah, I mean, I guess for me, it was also sort of a slow burn kind of situation where in the beginning it was like fun and then maybe month like three or four i was like oh i actually really enjoy spending time with this person and like i like when i

see their name i felt like it that it was very much a slow burn to the point where five months just felt like you know yeah here's the thing he wants you to compromise and relationships are all about compromise but you're not in a relationship so you know i and i don't think individuals should compromise uh when it comes to what they want in a relationship yeah i think in a relationship you compromise to make the relationship work but as far as what you want out of relationship and some of your like non-negotiables and things like that, I don't think you should negotiate too much. And he is asking you to compromise and negotiate. Yeah. I guess the question I have, too, though, is sort of like what – when I think of someone who doesn't want to commit, I've experienced it before. It's like

someone who doesn't prioritize spending time with you or they only spend time with you when it's easy for them when they're bored or they don't respond to your text a lot of time or you don't meet their friends or family or whatever. And it's like, I guess for me, that's when the disconnect comes in a bit. Why why would someone do all that? And then. So you're saying he is communicative. He, he doesn't make you wait.

Like he's great. Everything's great. I mean, you're literally happy with everything other than this. Yeah. Bugaboo. Yeah. Um,

as a non-therapist, it sounds like if he referenced something for, like you probably need some therapy to be honest yeah like whatever whatever it is that's stopping him because you're right it doesn't make sense it doesn't it makes sense to him but that's just probably an excuse or some wall he has up and maybe it has something to do with his parents i don't know and those might be valid feelings that he has but nothing is going to change that unless he does something about that. You know what I'm saying? Like you being more patient, isn't going to magically make him go, I now want to do this

thing that I have, that I have anxiety about, that I have fears over that maybe I have some small trauma over. Like what three months of you being more patient is going to change that. The thing that's going to change that is him wanting to do something to not feel the way he does about having a girlfriend. Yeah. You have no power over that.

And don't make the mistake of thinking that either your patience or your clever, you know, being his therapist therapist of which you're not is going to change how he sees being in a committed relationship that's fair well said i think that's something i've come across in previous relationships to possibly being a little bit too patient so yeah so yeah. So whether it's, whether it's three months from now or tomorrow, I do think the thing to do is to, to, to stand your ground and say, listen, I, I love everything we have. It's just why I want to be your girlfriend. I want you to be my boyfriend. Like I, it, it, we're getting,

I trust you, but we're getting into this weird thing of why don't you want to be, and now do, can I, can I trust you? And I don't like, it's just, it's going to be impossible for me to not get in my head as to why you don't want to be my boyfriend without affecting trust and it's just going to cloud like i'm just being honest where i'm coming from right and and i i respect your reasoning i in like it would be nice to for you to hear from him that he at least understands that it doesn't make much sense yeah well he's definitely acknowledged that in the the conversation and did you ask more questions is like like his reasoning in terms of like hey i didn't have a good playbook for this or whatever like do you have more information on that yeah like i i sort of know about his family background

and like his parents had a really bad divorce and things like that so has he ever gotten therapy have you suggested it? How does he feel? Has it been in conversation? I think that's fair. I mean, to say, hey, listen, like, no, like, I don't know how he feels. I don't know how Europeans feel about therapy. I don't know if there's, you know, not all Americans are progressive about it either.

But like, I think it's about the same as the Midwest. So like, I think it sounds like you have the right in the situation to say, hey, listen, like, if, and that's something that a therapist could help you out with. Yeah. And I need to know if I want it, whether I'm your boyfriend or not, that like, if you have something that's holding you back, I need to know that you're willing to put in the work. Because like, this isn't going to continue. Like if we continue on this path, it won't be healthy, you know? Yeah.

Like you don't want this. You don't want that. I'm making like, and you don't want an open relationship. You don't want to date other people and sleep with him. That's confusing for you. So like get that out of your head. But the fact that you were even willing to suggest that, like is proof that like to move forward, it will only be unhealthy. Because the fact that you're already starting to make suggestions about things you have no interest in doing is showing just how healthy this can become over time. And you need to know that he

understands that at a minimum. Like it would be nice for you to hear that he understands what he's asking you to do and not treat it so like, hey, whatever. It's so easy for him to be like, why ruin a good thing? You know, so cool. It's like, well, I don't know, because we're not fucking aliens. I don't know. Like, we're human beings who like want growth and we want to build on everything we want to build on our connection we don't like we don't want to like just keep the status quo yeah and if you do that's fine but i don't and like you wanting to be

my boyfriend no offense is a big non-negotiable i have. I just want someone who wants to be my boyfriend. Sue me. Yeah, yeah, that's fair. No, it's, yeah. So I think the next conversation is, I thought a lot about it and I'm sorry, but like, and it breaks my heart because I really care about you. And I really, they're so, you're so amazing.

But like, I have to, to like this won't get any healthier and ultimately this is what i want for myself and like i want to be there for you but i need to know that you're willing to do the work on your own and you know i don't know if it's i don't know how you bring up therapy i don't know how sensitive he is to that. But you have to know that someone you want to invest in is willing to do the work for themselves if they need the help. Because otherwise you'll just be in a relationship where you're constantly being the one compromising on your values and the things that you want. And eventually you're going to be miserable or resent him or both. Yeah, that's not a great place to be in yeah yeah i guess well can i ask one more question as well just from your point of view i mean is there a way to avoid this kind of surprise moving forward or is it just sort

of like inevitable like if you're gonna if to, if this is going to happen, it's going to happen. Surprise of finding out that you don't want to be your boyfriend? Yeah. I mean, just more communication. Not waiting five months to find this out. Yeah. But also like it only, you know,

I think five months sounds like a long time. And as I was thinking about it, like it can go by fast. You know, you probably were just enjoying it and it probably just wasn't topical and you know and that probably speaks to how well things have gone because it was just an enjoy he was it was the thing and him was just enjoyable to be around but nevertheless one day you woke up and thought wait wait, it's been five months. Like, what is this? And that's also, that's also normal. Right.

And so, yeah, I don't know if there is. Yeah. I mean, it's more communications, the answer to that, but I don't know if you necessarily did anything wrong, you know? Yeah, no. There probably were conversations you could have had more early on, like some follow-up questions, probably. At the point in which you learned about his family,

how does that make you feel? How does that affect you? How does that like make you change what you want for yourself? Like there were probably some opportunities in the past when you had conversations to like dig deeper and ask more follow-up questions, which would give you some insight

into how he feels about being in a committed relationship is probably the answer yeah makes sense so all right right well let us know let us know what you decide um yeah but i i think you should stand your ground and i absolutely don't think you're any way crazy or unreasonable from walking away from this unless he changes and also i would stick to your guns on therapy either way like because yeah if he panics and says fine i'll be your boyfriend it's there's something i believe him that there's something about it that gives it gets him anxious yeah there's definitely some sort of fear so he needs to work through that yeah yeah and i would be as supportive as you possibly could if if for him to do that yeah all right all right best of luck well thank you all right take care all right bye bye peloton that's right doing

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Good. What's your name? My name is Rose and I'm 24. How can I help Rose? I am calling because I am having some relationship problems with my younger sister. She's three and a half years younger than me. So she just turned 21 in the fall. We've gone back and forth with how close we are as siblings as we've grown up.

There's been times where we've been super close and then years where we're just more distant depending on like where we're at in our life stages and recently we've been very distant I got engaged two years ago and I made my sister my maid of honor hoping that would kind of bring us a little bit closer together doing things together for the wedding um that didn't really turn out at all how I anticipated which is fine but she is just going on a completely different path than I had ever anticipated my baby sister to be on um what what path is that? She broke up with her long-term boyfriend. She started dating guys that just had nothing going for them, really. And she started smoking. She parties all the time.

And I get that she's younger and doing her own thing. But I feel like there's more and more things adding on. She's just started getting tattoos without a second thought. I'm not against tattoos, but she's just getting, in my opinion, stupid things done in no thought. stupid things done like no thought getting a lot of piercings and the most recent development is um she has been going to school because she wants to get a job in health care so she was a cna for a while she quit her cna job and now she's a stripper and I am just trying to figure out like how to be like like where's the line of like being a supportive sister and then like giving advice I mean like hey maybe you should think things through a little bit like I don't like I don't know if I'm being

super judgmental or if I really should give her my advice well uh advice is only as good as it's received and if people don't want to receive it it's just a giant waste of time and when you give advice that people don't want to hear it as I'm sure you've figured out can push them away yeah so there's that I haven't said anything about any of her decisions just because like our relationship we haven't been as close and I'm just happy when she does decide to share anything with me but I just I don't also want to sit back and feel like she's just gonna she's just going down this like path that may not be great in the end why do you know why she wanted to be a stripper no I don't um are you like how do your parents in the picture yes um what are their thoughts so my dad doesn't know and we are not to tell him um he has a lot of medical issues and we're also we're from the midwest so and we're

religious so so it would be hard for him to hear i yeah he would it would not go well my mom just like is also like concerned she's like you know what is she like gonna do next like my sister she like starts something and it feels like she just always keeps like adding on so i think my mom's like worried about her as well but here like this is a it's an interesting call because obviously I think there's a lot of different opinions on this. I think you need to figure out, uh, there's a difference between not approving of what your sister does and being concerned for your sister. Yeah. Like you don't have to like what she does and she can still be safe and sound and just doing things that you know you don't approve with prove of you know like and you know being an exotic dancer like there's there's risks

involved it can be it can have unsavory you know clientele and it's not always a very healthy environment but there are other situations where it can be you know i'm sure it's there's a spectrum there in terms of uh how well she feels taken care of how safe she feels like she is uh or she or is she getting involved with you know problematic people i don't know i mean like those are potential valid concerns but i don't think you can assume she is just because she wants she wanted to be there are some people who just like feel empowered and it can be a great source of money and it can be a dream of theirs and it just makes them feel like a strong like it just makes them feel powerful and that could be how it makes her feel. I mean, tattoos, whatever.

It's just a personal choice. I got 23 tattoos in about six weeks. Now I thought about it for about 15 years, and I knew I wanted to get, but whatever. Piercings, again, that's just maybe her way of expressing. None of those things mean that she's in danger or in trouble or, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. So I think that's your first thing is trying to challenge yourself to not jump to conclusions

just because she's not necessarily doing what you approve or your parents approve of. It can be hard to certainly see people you love do things that you don't approve of. You know, I get it. So that's, that's step one. Do you have any insight into,

in terms of like what her situation is in terms of like who she's hanging out with or if you have valid reasons to be concerned or is she just doing something that you're just you don't personally agree with i so the group of friends that she hangs out with i don't really know like it's no one that like i saw like around the house growing up like throughout school or anything so they're all people that she's met in college um so i don't really know anything about them um my like concern is my sister only told me she was dancing because it was tax season and she didn't know how to bring it up to my mom who does our taxes so she's been doing this since last summer and she only brought it up to me because she had a

dilemma so it's not like she was like she knows that you guys aren't like i mean she probably assumed you guys wouldn't approve you know she assumed she would feel shame from the family you know so like it makes sense that she didn't tell anyone because like you didn't you guys didn't like hearing it you don't agree with it so it makes i understand why she wouldn't like you know i'm saying so i don't think you should waste too much energy being all that mad that she didn't tell you because i'm not like more mad she didn't tell me like when she did tell me um i didn't make any judgmental comments i was just like kind of like asked her like more about it okay um um because i i did want to be like open and feel like she

could share a lot like she does that a lot like she only will share information like with people if she can get something like out of it so i just worry about her where are we where are things now i haven't really talked too much about it um my mom just found out about it um a few weeks ago and i talked to my mom like a week ago about it for the first time and she was like you can't tell your father and I wasn't going to be the one to like break that news so that's really all we're at like everyone's concerned but not expressing that to her and it's just like we're not telling anybody else about this do you know why how she got into it no i don't and like it's not even like she needs to pay for college because like that's expensive but like our dad is a disabled veteran

so like our school is paid for so it's not like she has like school bills to worry about so she's like making all this money but she's says she's broke all the time so it's like what are you doing so it's there's also like that like missing piece of like the story and how often you're talking to her right now not often she um she doesn't make she's she's busy so i don't see her a whole lot other than like family get togethers. And if I do try and text her and reach out, I'll hear back from her like a day or two later. And it's always very short.

So there's not a whole lot of communication. Yeah. I mean, it's a tough situation. I mean, all you can really do is keep leading with love and keep reaching out and keep making her feel like you're not going to judge her. Okay. And regardless of whatever she's doing, her choices, you just want to make sure she's safe. Yeah. And the fact that she is dancing, like, again, there definitely like unsavory people that can operate

in that community you know like or again it could be just a total personal choice you know it sounds like you don't know the answer to that she doesn't need the money for school but like did she did she do it because she needed the money for something else that you don't know about i don't know or maybe she just likes doing it i you know that know, that also is possible, but the only way to find out is to like get closer to her and then feel like you're asking questions without judgment, which is just a fine line. Cause you know, like you're just, you don't love that she does it. And you're probably worried about your dad finding out and what he will think and what that, how that can might disrupt the family. yeah that's tough i mean it's a tough

situation but i would just keep reaching out until you miss her and ask her to hang out and and not bring it up for a while like i would try to build the relationship just off of of that like you when you before you mentioned that she was dancing you said that you had her be your maid of honor hope that would mend the relationship and as soon as you said that before you updated me that it wouldn't do that i like that that shit never that stuff never works it's like moving in with someone that like you're rocky with hoping that like the fact that you guys move in together because like being a maid of honor is a big responsibility it as you know right like they have certain roles they play it's a it's a responsibility and if you don't want that responsibility then it creates creates friction

and and arguments and it can you know just like moving in ken so like she didn't you know you kind of you gave her the maid of honor role with strings attached to be honest like with expectations around it and that's yeah and and not only was it the expectation of being a maid of honor it was like the expectation of her wanting to be closer to you just be careful i'm really bring that up just be careful uh when you if you do spend time with her what you say to her and and and ways you try to get close to her like i really think you should just try your best just have her in your life and try to build a relationship and as long as she's safe like this try to get close to you and so that she can just open up to you about like, you know,

find out why did she get into it? You know, make sure it's not because she, you know, needed money and she's doing something she ultimately didn't want to do. Or if she, if she's just like, I don't listen to this. I just, it just makes me feel really powerful and it's exciting. And I make good money and the people I work with, like they're honestly good to me and nice. And like, I just like it. And it's just like, yeah, you might not like it, but like she has the right to do that. Now you might get close enough where like dad needs to find out at some point, cause he's probably going to find out and he doesn't want to find out from a buddy yeah you know yeah um and that's on her that's more on her and your mom than you you know it's it's his wife and his daughter ex-wife oh they're not married yeah they're

divorced oh well then it's not on her sorry Sorry. Bummer. Yeah. Well, that's somewhere on your sister. But I think eventually, if you, you know, and it's not the time to say your sister now, but, like, if you can build this up relationship, I think you just want to be, try to be the person your sister trusts and goes to. But she doesn't trust you right now because she's just assuming you're going to judge her.

Yeah. And you got to let go of these tattoos and all that stuff and the piercings like other than like her picking up smoking which is like literally like not good for you and a health concern but like short of that like nothing you've said suggests that she's definitely and in harm's way she's just doing things you don't agree with yeah no like i know she's not like i know like things could be like a whole other end of like a spectrum and like things aren't as like terrible it's just like hard being like the oldest and feeling like your siblings are just like getting a little bit more wild and you feel like a second parent that you have to be like well you're not though but you're not and as someone who's like the oldest one of the oldest of 11

like i've definitely made the mistake of of trying to be the second parent rather than the sibling i mean honestly it's like a gripe that my younger siblings have of me is like they're not looking for a second dad you know they just want a friend or a brother and i think your sister wants a sister and a friend it's like you didn't raise her like whatever her choices are not a reflection on you you have different morals you have different personalities gosh my siblings we're like so many of us are so different we have different interests we uh there's so many of us we fall different. We have different interests. There's so many of us, we fall in different ends of the political spectrum. You know, like there's 11 of us.

So, I mean, I got, there's people who are incredibly liberal and progressive and I have siblings who are incredibly conservative and right wing. And there's a bunch of people in the middle, you know? And we all have the same parents. We all grew up in the same household with the same morals that they taught on us. And then we all turned out to be different and that's okay. But like, don't burden yourself with feeling like you did anything

wrong or like, she's just your sister. So I think focus on being her friend and focus on being her sister. Stop trying to be her parent and stop making it somehow like a reflection on you and try to build up that trust so that like she trusts you to talk and open up to you and be vulnerable with you. And then you can, you know, just make sure she's okay. You know, so at least you have the peace of mind that you don't actually have to worry about her because there's, again, there's a difference between her doing something you don't like or that you don't agree with versus her not her her her safety being a concern all right is that helpful it was um i had gotten like similar advice from my fiance and i was he's the youngest of his siblings so I was like it's I just you know

felt like some of our like relationships and like the way we see things are different so I was just like well I'll get like somebody who doesn't like know us at all and see you know where they fall on it so yeah but it's good that like i mean i think your fiance being the youngest gives a different perspective and my my therapist thinks birth order is a really big deal uh yeah like personality and things like that so like there are things outside of your control here so just again focus on being her friend and being her sister. That should be your big priority. And just make sure that she's safe and okay and let her carve out her own life and her own path

and just be there for her when she needs you. Okay. I will do that. And tell her to stop smoking because that's not good for her. Yeah. We're working on that piece. If you're anything like my younger siblings,

she's expecting you to be critical always. So prove her wrong. I will be more open and I'll just be her friend and not. Just be her friend. And be mindful of your huffing and puffing and your like nonverbal communication. And, and she knows when you're judging her without

you saying anything yeah i'm a very emotional person like all my emotions are always out front so i will i will do better okay all right okay all right thanks for. All right. Thanks for calling. All right. Take care. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? It's going great. My name is Liz. I'm 26. How can I help Liz? So I'm in kind of a sticky situation, gray area, and I'm just not really sure how to interpret it or what to do. So just kind of some information about me. I'm currently in a serious relationship. We've been together for four years. In the past, I've had two other serious relationships, one with a man and one with a woman.

They both lasted about like two to three years. So I consider them both to be serious relationships. After my relationship with my ex-girlfriend ended, I just kind of told myself like, that was weird. Like I was just confused moving on. About like you dating a woman? Yeah. And so I don't tell anyone about it. Like when I talk with people, I refer to her as my ex-boyfriend. Like I just don't talk about it. Why? Honestly, it's not because I like feel ashamed. I think this is a bad answer, but the truth is that I don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable.

Who, what other people? I don't know. Just like whoever I'm talking to. I feel like there's like a stigma in our society about bisexual people being like promiscuous or lustful or just attracted to everyone. And so I feel like I don't want to make people uncomfortable. So I just don't say anything and I kind of just move on. comfortable. So I just don't say anything and I kind of just move on. But so anyway, where I'm at right now, I have been with my partner for four years. He's a man. I have not dated any other women. I haven't been attracted to any other women. And then recently I was introduced. Does he know that you dated him? Yes. Yes, he does. So recently I was introduced to a girl

through some mutual friends. And right off the bat like we hit it off we have a ton in common I really enjoy being around her and I'm not having like romantic feelings towards her I just really like her and when I tell my friends about it and about like the interactions that she and I have they they're like, oh, she's totally flirting with you. I don't know her sexuality. I don't, we haven't talked about it. I don't know anything. And so my friends are like, oh, she's flirting with you. Like, you know, you shouldn't be talking to her this, you know, you're in a relationship. Who are these friends? The mutual friends that I share with her. So we have like a whole group of mutual friends i

just moved to the area gotcha so i just saw her friends the girl who's yes allegedly flirting with you yes her friends are saying that you shouldn't hang out with her yes do they know that you're bisexual? No. And I don't know if she is either. Okay. So I guess my question is, do I need to tell my partner that I feel excited about her? It's not like we spend time alone or we text all day every day. We definitely don't. But I do find myself like giving more energy

to my friendship with her than I would with other friendships if that makes sense sure like I feel that happens with friendships all the time you know like we can and I'm just going off of what you're telling me you're telling me that you met this person you have some sort of connection with her you aren't thinking about her romantically or anything like that like you'll have to just decide if you're being honest with yourself about that one part about like you know are you really not looking at her in a romantic way and it's just a platonic friendship, friendships of all kinds come into our lives and we respond to them and they can enter our life at a time where we, you know, their personality, what they bring to

the table, something we can feel like we're really missing. And that can be a platonic friendship. If you feel like, you know, you're trying to convince yourself that you don't have romantic feelings um I feel like that might be part of it because like for so many years like my relationship with my ex-girlfriend ended in 2016 and so for so many years I've told myself like oh that was like a college thing like I was so silly I was so, you know, and I feel like I'm in denial myself that like, maybe that is who I am. And so I feel super guilty, like in my relationship with my partner, because what if I do feel away about this girl, you know, is my relationship with my partner doomed?

Like we're in a really serious relationship i mean i don't know potentially like what so if it's just a friend then i don't know you have a friend and then you know you don't know her sexuality you haven't communicated that with her you're not crossing any boundaries and like flirting can be interpreted in so many different ways but as long as you don't do anything inappropriate like you're fine and if she ever you know like approaches the situation and makes a move on you you can say hey well i'm i'm in a relationship you know like it would be no different whether she's a man or a woman now on the flip side if you have romantic feelings for her uh and you're just you know you recognize that you met someone like for me like if i went out there

and let's say i met a woman and i'm in a relationship and i just like found myself to be attracted to her you know and not only physically attracted to her but there was a sense of chemistry and i would let's say you know we were talking about like there were some like work connection right so we started talking and i was like man really just like i just love the things she says and it might be someone who yeah i guess if i wasn't in a relationship i would definitely have asked her out but i'm in a relationship and i'm really happy and i'm and overall i'm getting everything i could ever want out of a relationship and so hey well what did that just prove to me what proves to me me that like there, what I've always thought is there's plenty of people in this world I can be attracted to and feel connection with and have some sort of chemistry with and

maybe even also be really compatible with. And I choose to be in the relationship with my girlfriend and I make that effort and I make those sacrifices and I say no to other things that come into my life that could also bring me joy and excitement and pleasure right so you just kind of have to have that discipline now you want to ask yourself if you if you kind of open up this uh consideration of being romantically interested in her then you have to ask yourself is it just someone I'm interested in is this another person who i

could be interested in and date and explore if i were single or or am i feeling things as a result of her providing things that i'm not getting from him you know and you know she's a woman he's a man whatever other than that like you know maybe in the bedroom the physical connections and obviously dating a woman i'm sure has its differences of demeaning a man but like your emotional needs in a relationship is what i'm really talking about yeah and no one's perfect you know our partners who we commit to like we'll make mistakes and we'll disappoint us and won't like always you know meet our expectations but you have to ask yourself overall like are you in fact happy are your needs being met are you really getting what you want in like always, you know, meet our expectations, but you have to ask yourself overall, like, are you in fact happy? Are your needs being met? Are you really getting what you want in a

relationship? It doesn't have to be perfect. Or is this person really opening your eyes to something in your relationship you don't feel like you're getting? And the more you explore that relationship that you're currently in, you realize, I don't know if I could ever get it. And it is a priority for me. You know what I'm saying? It could be, you could be in a relationship, you know, let's say you were straight and you only dated men. You could be in a relationship with a guy right now and, and, and dating for four years and it's really good. And you're like generally happy. And it's like, but you kind of feel like complacent. And this other guy comes around and he starts talking to you in ways where you feel like i miss this i need

this i you know he asked me questions about me and my partner doesn't and like you know in any relationship we can kind of get complacent and forget to check in but like i'm just saying it could make you realize that there's something in your current relationship that you've been missing and you really want so then you have to decide do I try to get that with my current partner and see if I can explore that to the point where, you know, maybe they, they do start doing those things that you want to do or that you notice with someone else. Or do you get to the point where you're just like, I don't, it's not in their blood. It's not who they are. It's not what they like. They don't even like doing it. And I know I really need it. So maybe I need to you know, leave that relationship.

So it's just a matter of like you deciding and, you know, prioritizing what you have in your current relationship versus what you have in this person. You know, like other than like, you know, you being bisexual and being afraid to just tell people like, you know, I would love for you to not have to feel that way. You know, like I'm not in a position to tell you what you should or shouldn't do or I have no idea what it's like to be bisexual and those insecurities and fears that can come with it. But like, I would love for you to not feel that way. But other than that, this sounds like this has less to do with being bisexual and more to do with prioritizing your current relationship and making choices about what's important? What

do you have? What could you get from other people? And just choosing to choose your partner or to not choose your partner and things like that. Do you think that it would be totally overstepping my bounds to hang out with her alone without first having that discussion with myself about like what what is my intention and hanging out with her alone yeah i i think yes i i think the righteous thing to do would be to truly be honest with yourself about how you think you might feel about her and your curiosity about her and whether that, and I think, yes, you should A, be honest with yourself first, then be honest with your partner, right? Before you explore, you know, it wouldn't be fair for you to convince yourself that

you only see her as a friend so that you feel good about hanging out with her and you don't feel like you're being unfaithful or going behind your partner's back. And you don't feel like you're being unfaithful or going, hey, I dated this girl in the past, moving on. We've never had a real in-depth conversation about what that was like for me or how that's been in the past couple of years because in my own mind, I just suppress it. And so I feel like I haven't been totally honest about what that was like for me with my current partner. And I'm really afraid to have that conversation because I don't want him to feel like I'm you know lusting over everyone because that's like

the stigma you know I get that are you do you have do you see a therapist yeah okay do you talk to your therapist about this and yeah my therapist is kind of a ride or die so she really just supports anything I say. Maybe you need a therapist. Right. I mean, I don't know what your, who your therapist is or what their qualifications are experienced, but it sounds to me by your statement, you feel like you're not getting what you need out of your therapist. A little bit. Yeah. You know, it sounds like you're going in there and you're expecting a little bit more clarity and like, I don't know, maybe it's just not a match, you know, maybe your expectations of what you should sounds like you're going in there and you're expecting a little bit more clarity and like i

don't know maybe it's just not a match you know maybe your expectations of what you should get out of therapy aren't realistic i don't know but like there's so many therapists out there and don't be afraid to try a new one right um who who might like you know you feel a little bit more heard about like how you're feeling and again like i when i say are you getting a little bit more heard about how you're feeling. And again, when I say, are you getting a therapist? I'd love for you to be able to explore these thoughts you're having about your sexuality and why you feel the way you do. And I get that there are stigmas out there, and I am truly sorry those still exist. But I'd love for you to, again, to get to a place of just personally being confident in who you are, regardless of your critics, that's easier said than done. We all struggle with that,

but I just, you know, these are conversations that would be great for therapy in terms of exploring, you know, your feelings and, and assessing, you know, this out so that you can make decisions for yourself with a little more clarity. Right. Yeah. I think it just comes down to me not being honest with myself, just about my own identity, about the way I'm interacting with this girl and just not being comfortable being forthcoming with my partner. So I guess those are all things I should work on. Amanda's bisexual. She's pretty open about it. I don't know if you have any thoughts on, on her situation. Totally. I was just going to say that I, I think guilt is like, uh, exacerbates everything. So I think the second that you feel any kind of like

weirdness about something, it just like takes all the other like nuanced elements of being queer and like puts it on like steroids in a crazy way. I was also just going to ask, like, do you have queer friends, like specifically bi friends? No, I don't. I feel like that can be a really cool, um, like first step in terms of like talking, you know, of course you'd love to get to a point where you feel really comfortable in this identity and it's something you feel like you can share whenever you want to. But until that point, like, I think it might be really nice to have people you can empathize with like I think especially bi friends who can with some of the like specific nuances of and like the certain stereotypes um who can like really just like relate to that and hear you and

just make you feel kind of like accepted and understood in an unconditional way like I think just having a space like that is huge and I know it's like not always easy to find queer friends but like I don't know if you know the app like Lex or there's like but yeah because I don't want to I don't want to go around like asking all my friends like hey are you bi like you know I don't want to be running around doing that but totally well usually like and Los Angeles I'm super lucky because like I live in LA so it's like huge city like a of offerings. But there's like ways that I found queer community or like I do like network and community, it's usually really easy to then from there kind of use that as like a starting point and make a lot more friends.

Because I just think you deserve to have people who can like really make you feel understood and who you don't even have to do that extra mental math of like filtering out certain elements. Yeah, I think that's great. And thank you for sharing, Amanda. I just think that this is something that I would definitely explore before you take the next step in your current relationship

whatever that step is right i think it is okay to have these you know and i don't know what you want for yourself in terms of your forever relationship or you know if it's a long-term commitment but these are tough but good conversations to have yeah you know, if it's a long-term commitment, but these are tough, but good conversations to have, you know, eventually it would be important to have this conversation with your partner just about how you feel. And it might be hard for him to hear, but it would be nice to know that he can, can he show you empathy and understanding, you know, it might, it might be normal for him to get a little defensive, but hopefully he wants to ask more questions than to make accusations. And you can be reassuring as well.

But just to say, these are things as a bisexual person that come in. And these are my insecurities about how you might judge me or how you might look at me. But I just want to be honest with you because if this guy is your forever guy, these are the type of conversations that people need to be able to have in relationships before they get engaged and before they get married, not afterwards. Yeah. And so... I think it was just alarming to me when I hit it off with her because like I said, I've

just convinced myself like, nope, couldn't be me. And so I think it was really alarming when I started to feel excited about being around her. So I'm like, oh my God, like maybe it is me. Yeah, I think, you know, other than the fact that you have a boyfriend right now, I would like for you to explore how you're feeling. You know, maybe not necessarily explore the relationship with her, but explore how you're feeling and really like not ignore it. Don't suppress it. like not ignore it don't suppress it you know and it's whether whether it's with your therapist exploring it in an open and safe space or like meeting meeting queer friends and just kind of

yeah you know i think that obviously i think that is a great uh yeah suggested by amanda just because i feel like these i think meeting queer friends will really bring you a community that make you feel safe or just feeling how whatever it is you want to feel. And then making your decisions truly based in a position of kind of not being fearful for how people might see you or look at you, which I know is easier said than done. But yeah. Yeah.

No, that's really helpful. I hadn't thought about it that way. So that's really helpful. I appreciate it. All right. Well, but yeah. Yeah. No, that's, that's really helpful. I hadn't thought about it that way. So that's really helpful. I appreciate it. All right. Well, good luck. Thank you. All right.

Let us know how it goes. If you're ever in LA, I'll introduce you to my queer friends. All right. Have a good one, guys. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye.

Oh, thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com. Cast with a K. Ask Nick at castmedia.com. Okay. See you tomorrow.