The Viall Files - E433 Ask Nick - Is She Hiding Her Pregnancy?

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! In this episode we welcome back our listeners to help answer their burning questions regarding relationships in every single form. Our first caller finds himself in a sticky situation when he has a pregnancy scare after hooking up with a friend with benefits. Now that this friend isn’t communicating very much about her status, our caller worries if they may be a father, or if they’re being too nosy into someone else’s business. Our next caller joins to talk about the best way to let go of her resentment after a bad relationship when you feel like the closure was one-sided. Now she struggles to recognize her role in this bad relationship and ways to improve as she continues in the dating world. Our last caller has difficulty navigating a deteriorating best friendship that ended. Stuck with the pieces, she wonders how to heal and recognize that sometimes people grow apart.  “You can have chemistry and not work out.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article: Go to http://www.Article.com/VIALL to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. BetterHelp: Go to http://www.BetterHelp.com/ViallFiles to get 10% off your first month. Chime: Get started today at http://www.Chime.com/VIALL Vizzy: To find Vizzy near you go to http://www.VizzyHardSeltzer.com/VIALL  Catalina Crunch:  Go to catalinacrunch.com/VIALL for 15% off your first order—plus FREE shipping. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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and the discount won't be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash V-I-A-L-L to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of The Vile Files Ask Nick Edition. My name's Nick, joined by Allie. Amanda, welcome, all newcomers. What's going on? Not much. I was telling you I wish I had the TikTok, but I was scrolling through TikTok the other day,

and it was one of those, you know those like moody ones with just the font and you just read it? Like it wasn't even a full video, but it was just like deep thoughts. And it was- There was like a soundtrack behind it? Yeah. And there's like text? And there's blank text?

Or like there's no face? Just like, yeah, just like my questions with Nick. Yeah. Oh, but on TikTok? Yeah. You don't on TikTok? Yeah. What kind of sign on TikTok are you on? Have you never seen text TikToks with a moody soundtrack? There's always somebody with half their forehead in the screen.

That also happens too. I feel like I've never seen... Sorry, I blanked background. I don't know why that was a sticking point for me, but no further questions. Please continue. Okay, thank you. Objection. Relevance.

Hearsay. But it was something along the lines of when you return to your childhood home, like you almost revert back to your childhood self or your parents treat you like your childhood self. You act like a younger version. So I was thinking to myself and I was like, I think some parents are much better at either over time or right when they go off to college or turn 18. It's like, you're an adult now. Our relationship is shifting. And then there are other parents who every time someone goes home, it is, no, you are the child.

Like a white knuckle grasp on childhood. So I'm like, is it up to the child? Was there any stats on this? It was just a deep thought. It wasn't statistic. My guess is that it's getting worse in the direction of parents not being able to let go and children not wanting to let go.

I think, yeah, I think part of the reason why we're all maturing later in life is that life's generally a lot easier than it was back in, say, the early 1900s or the 1800s where people had kids to like, they were like birthing kids for farmhands. I went on, do you know the Tenement Museum in New York? No. Oh my God, fantastic. Best museum in New York. It's like, it takes you through these old like, these old apartments from, like, the 1800s, like, early 1900s. And I saw this, like, butcher shop and just, like, an apartment that this family of five lived in. And it was insane.

Yeah. or there was like very little natural light. It was all like candles. And I was like, it's just like, it's batshit when you actually like walk through the spaces. Cause sure, you can just be like, oh, people lived in 300 square foot apartments. And then you're actually in one and you're like, five people lived here

and three women worked here doing textiles. And the price of meat went up from 12 cents to 18 cents and it ruined everyone's lives. Now granted, I didn't have a childhood like that, but there were 11 kids. And when I turned 18, I got a handshake and a good luck, essentially. I mean, my parents were there, but like they stopped essentially being my parents. Like they stopped telling me what to do. They stopped worrying about like I wasn't getting checked in and I stopped asking for permission. They had a bunch of other kids to raise. You're like, now our watch has ended. to raise,

but now, you're like, now our watch has ended. Yeah. Cause like nowadays people are having one, two, maybe three. You,

you hear a couple having three kids and everyone's like, Oh, what a large family. I know. I don't think it's about the number because my dad was one of two and his parents, like he jokes. He's like, when I got dropped off at college,

like the car didn't even start, stop moving. Like it was very, that's your dad. How's your dad? 62. Yeah. I don't think it's only so it's generational i think it's

i think there's probably several variables and i think generational is probably one of them i think it was it's more okay to coddle your kids now a hundred percent i was talking to you like i have a my mom's like cousin who lives out in la who i like went over to her house for dinner and she has a 14 year old son and or a 15 year old son and a 13 year old son but we were talking about how like this feels like I feel like I was kind of raised by like one of the first generations that really got to like heal from trauma or like get access to certain mental health resources like in a way that was just like in other generations it was just like bootstrap and like kind of like power through like you know just

like finding means of like getting by and subsisting that like we're not necessarily like mental health talky like emotional processing stuff and so I feel like yeah when you say like this generation is like drastically different I think it's like there's just this like heightened level of emotionality that it feels like and like like talking about, I don't know, it's like obviously cliche. Do you think it's also a financial thing sometimes? Because there was an interesting conversation that my family had when we went on vacation in March. And my sister is, you know, 29, working her way up the medical ladder, but still has a lot of loans and stuff like that.

But she was just pointing out the comparison too of like, again, with my dad's generation, he like graduated college, got a great job and was like, like, buying a townhome in his, like, early to mid-20s. And she's struggling to even think about, you know, like, how does one even afford a house? I think finances have also changed that, too. I think there's a lot of variables. But also, like, your sister, like, it sounds like your family has the means to means to like help out your sister if they want to. That goes into the coddle. Like we want to be independent, but it's an uphill battle at this point with everything so expensive.

Like the housing market right now versus when my parents were there. It's not a matter of if my parents could help out. We don't want them to. I think at the end of the day, generationally, I think it's a little like it's people have, I think, more time on their hands. You know, technology has freed us up of things, right? The ability to monitor each other with technology. Like not only time, but like time that can be, it's not just like, okay, when someone is in front of me, they are my focus and I feel responsible for them. But like you can also like be trying to monitor your children

like on the internet or like through other like tracking their location. It's not like our parents like sent us off to California and they're like, see you in six months. I'm going to write a letter.

You made a great point with the museum and five kids. Like obviously times have changed drastically, but over the years, like, you know, that five kids in a 300 square foot apartment,

that was the norm. Yeah. Or a farm or something, right? And also, and the kids in a 300 square foot apartment, that was the norm. Yeah. Or a farm or something. Right. And now. And the kids and some of the kids were like dying. Yeah. In very young ages from like.

Talk to any of like my, like talk to like great, great, great grandparents. Like having a kid die was like. Oh yeah. That was a part of it. Every,

every family story. Yeah. Yeah. Every like, I think most of our grandparents or at least great-grandparents all had like a sibling or died or like it wasn't it was fairly commonplace like of some sort of like disease or got polio yeah it's like yeah my grandma got red fever like we really i think we forget like like despite like the world being hectic and a little like controversial like quality of life has never been more convenient and better. Just the fact that we do give a shit about mental health.

Yeah. I mean. It's insane. kind of within like a parent-kid dynamic. Because I think especially with COVID when a ton of people who like might not have otherwise lived at home, but were maybe in their like early 20s or like were coming home from university and were put in a like contained environment with their parents,

there was like just like colossal regression. Like everybody was regressing to like 16-year-old them dynamic. And I think it's kind of a very mutual thing. But I think when it's the parent who's asserting the dynamic, I think it's harder to break very mutual thing but I think when it's the parent who's asserting the dynamic I think it's harder to break out of it because they have usually tend to have slightly more power so I think it's like

can be like I think there's kids who are maybe like not taking independence and where parents are kind of like pushing them like please be self sufficient I think the parents definitely play a bigger role set the stage if your parents are going to like I think the parents definitely play a bigger role. Set the stage. Yeah.

Because if your parents are going to like coddle you, it's hard to say no. Yeah. It's hard to resist. Or even not even coddling, but like an expectation of constantly talking. Doing your laundry when you come home or throwing you a few bucks or making you dinner. Like, you know, let mom or dad like help you out. Like fix the car or something like that. Like, if you have a handy parent or something like that, like, who are we going to say no to?

Yeah. I was even thinking more so of, like, going home as an adult and still being like, well, when are you going to be home? Or, like, who are you seeing? Like, that type of dynamic. That's less even, like, coddling. It's just, like, reverting back to it, almost like a teenage sense.

Yeah, I think they're just... Maybe they just can't help it. Yeah, control. Maybe that's the system. Apparently. You can unsend. On iOS 16, you're going to be able to unsend. That's me.

I'm going to let her play in the video. You can unsend iMessages. Game changing. Amanda. Amanda's reaction is not what I surprised. Like your concern was. I am vehemently against. This is abysmal for all archival integrity.

Amanda's just going to screenshot every second in case she needs it. Because. Because think about. You're part of the gotcha clan? Yeah, but what if someone's like breaking up with you and it's like, I really think we should end things. You're a terrible human being and I fucking hate you, da, da, da. And then they delete that. Then they're going to look like a better person.

Well, I mean, better in whose standards? I don't know. Yeah, wait, what? Like if I sent you a screenshot and I was like, oh, Josh broke up with me and he was so mean, but he'd taken out the mean one and I tried to show it to you, you'd be like, this looks really nice. You're crazy. I'm going to start antagonizing people by asking them questions that have like where the answer is something that sounds really harsh. And then taking the question away? Yeah, and then unsending the question

so it just looks like they've unprovoked it. What was that terrible thing your mom said to you in the ninth grade? I'm sure people will figure out a way to weaponize this. And I'm one of them because I'm not for it. Why do you feel like people should like... Unsend a message?

Yeah. It's out there. Okay. I think you should be able to unsend it before someone's read it. I like that. Or like Gmail within a minute or like 45 seconds or something. No, whenever. You can't pull it back four years later.

What's done is done. We're not rewriting history. If someone sends you some like inappropriate shit, screenshot it. It's not. This is. They take notes. They're nudes. This is in no way about.

If you get a text and if you don't immediately or within, I guess, the day find it to be inappropriate or wrong, then it's not this is but like people like going back six months and rereading stuff out of maybe context or like adding in a memory or two and then deciding like somehow it's weird or fishy i don't know like screen if someone like gaslights you it's not about i'm thinking about petty arguments with loved ones. That is what I'm thinking about. Are you thinking about your family? Like with like friends, family. No, my family group chat is just like cat videos.

We have a great episode, some callers, some great answers. If you're listening to this now, texting office hours. If you have a texting problem, a situationship, a friend, you don't know how to draft a text, email us at asknickacastme.com right now. Right now, on Monday. We might pick you. We might not, but there's always a chance. There's always a chance.

Caitlin Bristow this week. I think tomorrow, depending on her flight. I can't believe she's coming off a flight. Then we know she's not bringing Spade and Sparrows. No, she's sending it. I've already asked for you, Ally. This is the best day of my life. Why?

Only thing that would top this is if we got a sponsorship with Taco Bell. I don't think Taco Bell does sponsorships. Oh, Shanti's already asked. I feel like them and Doja Cat kind of have it on lock. Can you imagine if the two faces of Taco Bell were Doja Cat and Nick Fial? I mean, I would personally dream. Well, let's get to our callers. So many reasons for us to get therapy.

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What's your name? A and I am 26. How can I help A? You know, it's one of those things where I feel like I'm stuck in a pickle. I don't know if I'm going to be a dad. And this all comes from the part that, um, this is going back like four months ago. You know, I had a friend with benefits and, uh, we hooked up and stuff like that. And we were left off. I'm left off thinking I might be a

dad, you know, just cause of stuff that happened. And I'll go ahead and relay that, you know, it was one of those things where this girl, she missed her period for about a month and this was in January. So she missed her period and the whole month of January, you know, I was scared. I was like, all right, You know, I was scared. I was like, all right, you know, I don't know much about this person. We just hooked up. And from there on, she was like, I'm okay. And I was like, okay, I'll believe her.

You know, I know girls miss their periods. You know, it happens. So I was like, okay, I'll believe her. And then, but the thing that happened. And how did I believe her that, like, when she said it? What do you mean? Oh, I believe that she wasn't pregnant. Sorry, my bad. I believe that she wasn't pregnant. She told you she wasn't pregnant she wasn't pregnant she told you she wasn't pregnant okay she told me

she told me she's like i'm not pregnant i was like okay and i believe they're on that and then from there um it escalated to the point where she started showing symptoms she was telling me i feel nauseous when i wake up i'm craving this i'm craving that and i got scared i was like all right you know maybe it's time to stay at a pregnancy test and then she was like no i'm not gonna do that and i was like so she told you she wasn't pregnant, but never took a test. Yes, exactly. She told me she wasn't pregnant, but never took a test. Did she get a period as far as you know? Nope. She did not. She did not. Yeah. So she was just like, I know I'm not pregnant because I know me. Yes, definitely. And I was like, that's good for you. And they're

like, I don't know you, but that's good for you. And then she was like, wait two more weeks. And I did. I waited my two weeks and then she took a test. And then these tests, they did come on negative. She only took two. They came on negative. But here's the thing. After those two tests that she took, then she went another two weeks without getting her period. So now she's two months without getting her period and she's still having symptoms. And I'm like, hey, like, maybe it's time to actually check it up. And I go to the doctor and she was like, I'm not going to no doctor. Don't bring that up. Like, no. And I was like, all right. And then I was like, and she was like, wait it out. Wait, wait. I just keep waiting. And I was like, it's been two months.

You haven't gotten your period and you're showing symptoms. And then from there, she's just like, wait it out. Wait, wait. I just keep waiting. And I was like, it's been two months. You haven't gotten your period and you're showing symptoms. And then from there, she's just like, you know, just wait. And I was like, okay. Are you guys like still hooking up and like going out? No, at this point we're just texting. We're not going out anymore. We're just texting. And are you like the one checking up on like checking in?

Yeah, pretty much. I am checking. Like she's not telling me, she's not giving me no details. Like as far as she's concerned, she would just like, you wouldn't have any connection. Like you guys would just stop. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Like it's me checking in.

And then she's just like, no, she's not taking a test. And now, so this is January, February, March rolls around and still no period. You know, now it's two months and there's some change, like some couple of and i'm just like you know she's still showing symptoms i'm still nervous i haven't seen her since what do you mean by showing sim how what do you mean by still showing symptoms uh she's still waking up nauseous you know she's feeling fatigued she's feeling depressed she's feeling she's craving things she hasn't really craved before. And I'm just like, yeah, she tells me all of this. And then I'm just like, okay, maybe you are. And then she's like, I'm not, you know, she's really focused on the fact that she's not. And I'm like, okay. And then I asked

her one more time, you know, now it's three months. She hasn't gotten her period. I asked her, hey, can you take the test again? And when I asked her that, I guess she just snaps and she tells me, you know what? I don't want to talk to you ever again. I asked you multiple times not to ask me, not to ask me to take another test. You know, like you can't, you don't understand. And I was like, I'm just like, I'm just trying to make sure you're not pregnant, you know? Cause I don't want to leave this without knowing like, Hey, I'm gonna be a dad type of thing. And I don't want to walk away from it. And then she just told me not to talk to her again. And then what leads up to this

is that I texted her two weeks after that. So now it's, now we're like in April and I texted her in April. I was like, hey, did you end up getting your period or are you pregnant?

And she just says, I did. Yes, I did. I think that was correlating to, yeah, she got her period, but I don't know. And I was like, all right, you know, I'm not going to bother you anymore. But it's one of those things where it's kind of like, I have a gut feeling that she's not telling me the truth. Like I, and I just don't know how to confirm that. Okay. She's not, maybe it's me having trust issues, but it's like everything leading up to this was so sketchy that I'm just like,

did you really get your period? Or are you just telling me that so I can leave you alone? that I'm just like, did you really get your period? Or are you just telling me that so I can leave you alone? Interesting. Yeah. I think you have to trust her, even though something tells you that's off because those are your options. Your option is to just trust her.

And I suppose you can, you know, know like I don't know I don't think you should stalk her or keep an eye on her or anything like that but if she eventually you'll find out if she's lying yeah I mean I hope so I don't want it to be one of those things where it's like

a kid shows up like 3, 4, 5 years from now at my door like hey you're my dad type of thing well if she's in fact pregnant and she has the baby like i'm i'm assuming it won't be that hard to find out like you know what i'm saying like i feel like maybe for your own benefit you just kind of need to let it go there's a very strong chance she's not pregnant yeah you know i mean yeah i hope so yeah um and i know it's a weird situation but like i think it's one of those things as much as you can like just try to let it go and then maybe check in in a nine months um and see if you know she's carrying around a child i guess but what do you ladies think? I mean,

I don't know. I feel like my first instinct is you've tried really hard to do your due diligence and reach out to her and check in and encourage her to take tests. And either she got her period or she's lying. But I feel like you've, you know, tried everything you can from a distance. You're not in a relationship. You don't see her every day um so let's say she is pregnant you know you you kind of have all this data on your side of I continued asking I wanted to know I encouraged let's say this kid does show up in your doorstep I encourage your mom to take a test I like wanted to know and be there and be present um and I'm with Nick I think you just kind of have to trust her at this point because either she got her period or she didn't.

And if she didn't, she isn't too worried or doesn't necessarily want anyone else to know. And that's her choice. I mean, it could be the opposite that she is really worried about that she is pregnant with someone's child that she doesn't know or, and then she is afraid about that and she could just be avoiding the whole thing, but there's nothing you can do about it at this point. And it doesn't do you any good kind of getting in your head and assuming the worst. Cause that's what this could be too. You know, do you ever, I don't know if you've suffered from any type of hypochondria, but

as someone who like can get in their head about things and like watch a movie and then they talk about symptoms and and and obviously you start convincing yourself like i got that shit like you know and like all of a sudden it'll be like no there's no way i wouldn't i wouldn't feel this this and that if i didn't have it like i definitely have it and then you and then you like go to the doctor you do all this blood work to tell you you're fine. You take some tests and then you immediately start feeling better because you just convince yourself that like this is happening. So there's a chance that you're just, you know, it sounds like you, you want to do the right thing and you want to follow up and you have your own fears about the situation, but you've really just convinced yourself it must be what's going

on and and she could easily not be pregnant you know there is this the fact that you guys don't really know each other there's a lot of awkwardness there's not a ton of rapport and i think a pregnancy scare in general with someone you don't know can be like a you know it can be a really impactful moment, especially I think for women. And maybe she just doesn't, maybe she just wants to like say goodbye to this. Right. Because she's like, I don't know, like this was a little traumatic for me. Maybe she had a fear and then realized she wasn't pregnant and she just doesn't want to talk to you anymore because. Well, yeah. And from her, her perspective as well, it, you know, it's like

as a woman, I feel like a lot of times you go through scares and whatever and you're getting opinions of, like my sister's a doctor. One of my best friends is a nurse. One of them is telling me I can take a test at two weeks. The other one's saying I need out, as lovely as you seem, you might be one of the last people she wants to hear from because she might be freaking herself out as well. So yeah, ignoring it, or maybe she thinks she has to wait a certain amount of time. That might be like her coping mechanism. But again, I think you've done everything you can. Also, if she wanted to, like, she's honest with,, she is communicating with you that she's having these symptoms as you say. So it's not like she's not telling you anything, you know? And so if she, I mean, it's entirely possible she could be pregnant and want to like hide that from you for some reason, but it's also entirely possible that she's just not pregnant because if she was,

it can be scary to do it on your own. And even if you don't know the, like the person you got pregnant with, and in your case, you, like there's some financial obligations. And if you're willing to like step up and meet those obligations, I think a lot, most, I think the majority of people would want to take you up on at least helping financially or being supportive and just being the father of their child. And like, you know, like assuming you give her no indication that you just want to be like there and whatever capacity she would need you to be but you just want to do your part then like that's you know all you can do and it sounds like you've done that you know yeah but i can also imagine if she like your paranoia and fear that she could be pregnant could from her end come across as a little like weird or aggressive where she's like, I'm not.

And I told you I'm not. So please stop asking me this. Like I would it would be frustrating for me, you know, for me. I'm not going to get pregnant. But like, yeah, i think it'd be frustrating for anyone to just be like i i fucking told you what's up yeah and you just keep asking me you know you don't know this person that well right no i don't know yeah and she doesn't know you that well so she also might be just a little uncomfortable like talking to you all that much

about like these very sensitive topics. Back to my original thing. I think all you can do is trust. And I think the odds are that if she is pregnant, that she would tell you. Especially if she... Because she's told you about the other things, like the symptoms. She's somewhat kept you in the loop. She's getting a bit defensive because i think you keep bringing up the test but i think she will let you know yeah you're you're you know she's yeah you're communicating she's communicating this stuff and you're just like yeah but that's not good enough i want more information and you're putting

that a little bit of responsibility to get her more information on her and i'm sure you're willing to help but she doesn't know you she's like I don't want to go to the fucking doctor with you, or I don't want, like, I don't know you. Vizzy! Vizzy! Hard seltzer. Vizzy. Ooh, they had so many great flavors. That's right.

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Again, that's catalanacrunch.com slash V-I-A-L-L. For 15% off your first order, plus free shipping. Listen, if she really is avoiding this situation, there's a chance she could be pregnant and she still doesn't know. I mean, there have been stories like that, but if it happens, you certainly made yourself available to being there. So what you don't want to do is not respect this boundary she's tried to set and, and either stalk or harass or just keep bugging her.

Because then it's just like, even if you, if she is pregnant, it's like this fucking guy is like, eh. So just, I think back off a little bit, let it go. Trust that she's being upfront with you and don't let your fears get the best of you. And if you want to in a year or so, check in just to get that final closure where're just like she you know i don't know like if she like do you follow her on instagram is she like i do follow yeah i do follow her on instagram so there leave it alone don't get her to block you you know don't be just just let it go just chill out and maybe you'll get a call in the future but right now you pressuring her and bugging her and constantly asking it is clearly not doing what you're trying to accomplish gotcha no yeah definitely i mean i know i feel like i was pressuring her a little bit but it was just like i just wanted to make like that confirmation more than anything i get that it came from a good place i understand that but like at

the same time you still need to respect the boundaries she's trying to set and trust that she would tell you. And it's highly likely you have gotten it in your head as well. No, probably. I overthink a lot of things too. So it can be one of those things as well. Yeah, I would let it go. I would let it go. And I mean, anything's possible in this situation, but it's, I think it's more likely than not that if she finds out she's pregnant and proceeds with the pregnancy that you will find out.

Like, I think it's unlikely giving your interest in being a part of this potential child's life that you're going to find out in 19 years you know what i'm saying i just i just i find that to be unlikely okay yeah i mean i do hope so type of thing because i mean we did talk about things like that like what happens if you are pregnant and she was like well will you move in with me and i was like well no i mean i feel like we can co-parent and she's like well i want the kid to be with me more than anything and i was like you know she wasn't even giving that ultimatum like she was even giving that ultimatum. Like she was giving me that ultimatum to like,

she wanted you to move in with her. Yeah. If she is. Yeah. She was like, well, you move, we move into me.

Well, like we moved in with me and I was like, uh, I don't think so. Like I wouldn't like, I feel like we can co-parent nowadays. It's like, well,

I'll probably move in back with my family and like raise this kid on my own. I was like, you don't have to do that. Like I said, I'll be a part of this. If you are, this is like, no, I don't think that should be the case. Like it's either we're both, we're together or we're not. If you've discussed being involved in the hypothetical situation, she's for sure going to involve you in a real situation. Like these are like very vulnerable, real conversations. So she she she's already like including you in that she's for sure gonna tell you if she's pregnant yeah i mean i think the

part of her saying well it's all or nothing and if you don't live with me i can see how it gets you a little nervous well like no if i don't want to you said that you don't maybe you're you're not gonna like move in so she in a way kind of gave you a, like an idle threat to do that. But I think to Allie's point, like right now, there's just a lot, a lot of emotions and a lot of fears going on that I just think at the end of the day, if this, it's highly unlikely that she was like, no, would you move in with me?

And you're like, I don't know. I think we can co-parent. She's like, well, I'm going to, that she wouldn't broach the subject again if once she finds out she's in fact you know pregnant yeah a lot's gonna come up financial responsibility like her life's going to change and again it's more likely than not that uh she would at least broach the subject with you because you've offered your help and i think think in this situation, getting as much help as possible is nice. And what you don't want to do is make her feel uncomfortable for including

you. So like, just you made it clear that you, what was your response after she said, don't talk to me again? I was like, okay, I'll leave you alone.

You know, that's pretty much it. I said, okay, I'll leave you alone. Okay. Yeah. Great answer. much it. I said, okay, I'll leave you alone. Okay. Yeah. Great answer.

Yeah. So I think I'll... And I have. I mean, and I have. I haven't sexed her since. Yeah. So yeah, I've left her alone. She told me she got her period and I was like, all right.

Like you said, all I can do is kind of accept that. I mean, there's nothing much I can do. And it's entirely possible that she's being truthful that people can be late especially if they're stressed about things about being pregnant uh people can miss their periods so that that stuff can happen so i think you're going to be fine i my guess is she's probably telling you the truth and on the off chance she's, you'll find out when you need to. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay.

It's hard pills to swallow. That's for sure. I know. But you just have to swallow it and try not to overthink the situation. You're creating a scenario that's just highly unlikely. And I'm not saying it's impossible. And I'm not saying you're crazy for wondering it. It's just

unlikely also i don't maybe this is bad advice but it could be worth like sending a message a little bit down the line being like hey i just wanted to apologize that you've um that like my reaching out was a little bit too much like i was really eager to show that if you were pregnant i was ready to like step up but i realized it came off as like bothering you. Yeah. I think that's actually great advice. So that way it's like leaving the door open. So, cause I think it's that thing of like, if like, and again, I don't, I think it's probably pretty unlikely that she's lying, but if she is like, you want to give her that open door back in that, like, if you come forward, you won't get in trouble type thing, or just like want her to know that like, you will not stop being a resource. And I think also genuinely want to express that, about like you know any simple or even if she's not pregnant you're still

saying hey listen i hope i didn't make you feel uncomfortable i was just trying to i wanted to do the right thing i hope you're great i'm sorry if i like this came from a good place but realize it might not have served you in the moment like just wanted to acknowledge probably like asked i probably pushed a little too much and i'm sorry i i did that i hope you're well like you're not asking for anything you're just stating but like several months from now i don't think right yeah i would wait i'd wait at least a month i think a month is fine yeah like three months might like i think a month is a good time. Like some time has passed. It shows that you've accepted it. Definitely don't ask any questions.

You're just, Hey, I, I just wanted to reach out and say, I'm sorry that I, I, I made you feel like I wasn't trusting you. Like,

I guess I was just a little nervous. I hope you're well, uh, take care. Yeah. Like it came from a place of like wanting you to know that I really wanted to be involved and supportive. I was a little scared.

Yeah. And I, you know, admit some, yeah, say that, say you were scared, you probably were, and that shows that you're some vulnerability. And if she is scared too, that makes it easier for her to share that as well. But don't ask her any questions. Don't try to get any information from her. This is not like a, you know, a way to like get back in.

You're just letting her know how you feel. And just assume it's just, you're doing it for the apology. And on the off chance that there is something up, it could be a way to make her feel comfortable to involve you. For sure. All right? Yeah. yeah so but like a month from now no definitely yeah yeah i'll give it it's time yeah all right all right well thank you all right take care thank you thank you have a good one guys you too bye-bye how's it going hi um i'm sophie and i'm 23 years old how can i help sophie

okay so um i got out of my first serious relationship about a year ago um it was two years long met him in college um it was very tumultuous like from the beginning we were fighting non-stop and just kind of like immaturely pushed through anyway um my analysis of the situation would be that he was kind of the root of all the issues he was just not ready for a relationship um not in a very healthy place in his life and why do you why do you think that how long did you guys date for we dated for two years um gotcha i i think he wasn't ready just because there was a lot of immaturity there like a lot of lying a lot of like well yeah my analysis of what i've just heard from you is that if you're telling me that two people fought for two years yeah then you played a role in that. So the fact like he might be starting all this stuff,

you know, and he might've been resistant, but like you were unwilling to accept that maybe he just wasn't at a place that he needed to be in a relationship. And instead of accepting that, you fought through that. And that part is on you as well so you have to do take some accountability for that yeah yeah i have since been in therapy working on like my attachment style understanding like how i did ended up in that why i pushed through like all those kinds of things i like do wholeheartedly also it was your first relationship like of course that's usually the norm of like not getting it right and not knowing is this something i should fight for or is this something i should accept and let go very complicated and confusing like awesome that you're doing therapy but also take

it easy on yourself like i don't think you need to figure out what's wrong with you. You know, there's nothing. You're just a human being. Yeah. A lot of it all just spread as like naive romanticism pushing through. Like we can make this work. For sure. Yeah. So the kind of the complicated parts of it are that like my friends were not a big fan of the relationship the whole time.

They were like seeing the effect on me and really not liking it. They wanted me out of it for a while. His friends loved the relationship. I don't think they were seeing the inner workings. Um, they like felt that it was good. They thought I was good for him. Like, and we made a lot of mutual friends and most of our mutual friends were kind of on that side of the world. So basically we broke up a year ago and then we, it was not a clean breakup for like four months. We did kind of all the wrong things. We kept talking, whatever gonna happen. Yeah. And then he, I didn't know, but like basically the last month we were talking, he got a new girlfriend at school that I didn't know about. I found out on social media and

realized that all our mutual friends, a lot of my close friends had known and not told me. And I guess they didn't realize that I was still talking to him so intimately. And so at that point, that's when I cut communication. And I was like, this is insane. Like, we're just playing out the same cycle over and over again. We're not even together. Please don't reach out to me anymore and I was like don't even respond to this message like this is it that's it and we haven't talked since and it's been nearly a year okay so the place I'm in right now is kind of like I'm at a year ish since breakup I'm kind of trying to reevaluate like where I'm at, like thinking about it more.

And I'm feeling like I'm just holding on to so much like bitterness. And I like don't want to be carrying that. And given that I know there's no real conversation to be had with him, like I think that was right to stop talking i'm like not sure where to place a lot of these feelings okay who bidden us towards who towards a couple parties so him just because like so much of what happened in those two years never got resolved and so much of the breakup and the girlfriend and all of that, just like I just decided to clean cut rather than talk a lot of it out.

And to some of the friends, which isn't necessarily fair because I don't think that they really knew how I felt about a lot of it, but then it feels like frustrating to me when they're like post like posting stuff about him and the new girlfriend and like praising the relationship and loving that and then i feel like i like that really hurts my feelings even though they might not have been put in yeah i relate to you i've been you you know and i think in my personal opinion that you can get over this i wouldn't say easily because it won't it won't necessarily be easy but it's definitely doable and it's really on you

because a lot of this is ego driven a lot of this is uh you know and again he sounds like he sucks like and it sounds like he hurt you and it sounds like he did a lot of things he should be sorry for but that relationship is over now you got out of it and you have to like heal from that right but you're still holding on to a lot of the hurt that he caused you and you're still trying to and i i think to me completely un-expert un-therapist point of view is that you are holding on because you're still having a hard time accepting the role that you played in this relationship. I know a lot of people talk about attachment styles and it's a real thing. It's a very interesting thing.

It can explain a lot. I don't know if you've noticed. I never fucking talk about it on this show because, well, I could read about it and I could study it. But I'm not a lot. I don't know if you've noticed, I never fucking talk about it on this show because, well, I could like read about it and I could study it, but like, I'm not a therapist. And while it can explain a lot of things, I think like understanding your attachment style and some of these other things is something like a lot of us like to do to then help explain why we did what we did to like make us feel better about our choices. And at the end of the day, maybe you just made a bad choice. And that bad choice was based off of you being stubborn and you like having an ego and not wanting to accept that this is a relationship was a little bit too toxic,

but you thought you could fix it and you thought you could power through and you thought you could change him and all these things. I've been that person, right? And I think you're having, and I think you just need to accept that you, there was a lot about like when you call, like in 30 seconds, you're like, I've realized there's a lot of things that was basically all his fault. That frame of mind, I think it's causing you to hold on to these feelings of negativity and resentment towards a variety of people. Some of which you acknowledge may not even be totally clued in and operating with the same information

you were operating with. And so you're feeling this resentment towards them because you feel like they should have been a little bit more loyal to you or empathetic to your needs and feelings. Meanwhile, they're like, they're supporting this friend who, or this guy who treated you like shit,

who seems to be like getting away with the fact that he treated the way you did and now he's dating someone you did. And now he's dating someone else and everyone still thinks he's a good guy. And that bugs you and a bugs your ego even more. And you're having a hard time letting him go. And it's a party that wants him to pay for how he treated you, which I totally understand. Like I've, I've felt that way before when we got treated poorly, but I think you really need to try to accept and let go and take ownership for the choices you made, regardless of what your attachment style is. And maybe that can help explain why you did what you did, but you still are an adult.

And understanding your attachment style doesn't mean you're incapable of making decisions for yourself. It's like, oh oh i'm a nervous attachment so anytime i get nervous like i guess i am gonna make this decision and i really can't help myself anxious attachment whatever the fuck i don't know but like you know we we sometimes want to understand ourselves to help explain it but then i think we sometimes give a little bit too much power away to these attachment styles to be like well i what can i do i'm anxious you know um you know does that make sense yeah i definitely see the ego thing because i think with the girlfriend the new girlfriend some of that is the ego of like

it seems like a good relationship if they've been together for a while and feeling like well how did she crack the code like it's frustrating to me that now like she didn't crack the code there's also a part of you that's low-key being like i don't care how they're doing but like i want them to break up you know like i want them to find out i want i want her to find out uh what he like he's eventually gonna do what he did to me and maybe he will and maybe he won't maybe they were more compatible do what he did to me and maybe he will and maybe he won't maybe they were more compatible yeah you know yeah you got two people young and in love who have limited experience of being in a relationship and limited experience of how to fight and how to listen and how to get over arguments and maybe you

two were just like two people who like didn't know what the fuck they were doing yeah and now he has a little bit more knowledge and maybe he grew up a little bit i don't know what the fuck they were doing. And now he has a little bit more knowledge. And maybe he grew up a little bit. I don't know, right? But you're just having a hard time accepting that and letting go and just being at peace with it. And I think you should try to focus on being thankful that you're no longer in this relationship and being thankful that you're no longer wasting your time

hooking up and talking to a guy you're not in a relationship with because you went from breaking up with him to still being invested in him it's like yeah he wasn't your boyfriend but you were still you were maybe you could argue even more invested and in a period in which you didn't have the the confidence of having the label you know so it's just like he's a free agent but you're still talking on a regular basis and still hooking up and you still have expectations of him and he still has your heart and you're still like emotionally like connected to him without without the security of a relationship so you become even more invested and more committed and then anything he does or doesn't do hurts a little bit more and

you know because you really have like that period in which you broke up and decided to like hang out with them. You were so powerless. Yeah, totally. You know, and it can hurt really bad because you were, you were, you put yourself in a very vulnerable situation. And that was, in my opinion, your ego, not wanting to accept the reality and still fighting for your ego, telling you, no, you can fix this. You're great. You're special. He just hasn't seen it yet. There's something you haven't done yet. There's something that's missing.

Figure it out, make it work, et cetera, et cetera. I think acceptance is really the right word because it's like, I find myself feeling like I just wish I never dated him at all. And that's just like not productive because it happened. I did like too late. And you should be thankful you dated him at all. And that's just not productive because it happened. I did.

Too late. And you should be thankful you dated him. Hopefully you learned a lot. A ton. And you will learn even more once you truly are thankful that it's no longer in your life. And you're going to meet other people and in three years from now you're going to look back

and it's going to be funny to you. You're going to laugh other people and in like three years from now you're going to look back and it's going to it's going to be funny to you you're going to laugh yeah you'll be humored by how you're feeling now and your stubbornness of not wanting to accept it and let it go and the power you gave away to him and these friends and like again i'm talking from personal experience i just gave it all away i just gave so much of my energy and time and resources to people who just weren't asking for it, who didn't want it. And, and I just, I was crippled. I mean, I truly felt crippled and helpless by like my mentality and my obsession with like not feeling wronged. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that that does trouble me because I also have been feeling like I don't trust that I wouldn't make those decisions again because I haven't put it into practice. And so then it's like that then makes me nervous to date again because I'm like, how do I know that I'm not... Well, you're still obsessed with it being his fault.

Yeah. Yeah. That's true. So it wasn't just his fault. You dated him for two years. Yeah, two years. And your willingness to hang out with him after you broke up is 100% your fault, in my opinion. Yeah, even at the breakup, I was not feeling the urge to get him out of my life at all, which my friends were just absolutely astonished by. And regardless of your attachment style, that's still your choice and it's still your fault. And you just have to take ownership of that. And that's okay. Like if you're anything like me, you will feel more empowered once you just accept that you, you had a role to play. It's so helpless and powerless to realize that you can't control anything that it's not,

it's his fault. And your fear of dating again, probably has to do with this fact that like, well, if it's his fault, then I'm completely helpless to the next person I date. There's nothing I could have done differently. And what you could have done differently is to stand your ground and, and, and, and set expectations. And when he chose not to meet those expectations or didn't respect your boundaries, you were willing to leave or walk away and, and that's it. And it's that simple or accept that he wasn't the person you wanted him to be. And, and accept that like, as much as your ego wanted to convince you that you could change him or that you were good enough for him and, and, and, and to say, Hey, no, this is, I'm seeing flaws in this relationship. There are flaws in him. And I don't want these flaws in a relationship.

And that doesn't mean he's a bad guy. It's just not for me. And I need to keep looking. And that can be scary because dating can get complicated and confusing and disappointing. And I'd like to have a boyfriend. But I'm not going to have a boyfriend. And just accept where you are in your life. It really comes down to acceptance.

Yeah. Yeah. And I think I've been thinking about it. where you are in your life and just, it really comes down to acceptance. Like, yeah. Yeah. And I think that's like, I think I've been thinking about it. And so like in such a dichotomy, because when I accept how I may have contributed, then it starts to like feel like it undermines that. I feel like I was actually wronged in a lot of situations, but that doesn't have to be the case.

Like both things can be true. Yep. Absolutely. Yeah. You can. Yes. He has things he has to work on and be sorry for but at this point it's not really your problem or your business really yeah you know like what is i what wouldn't i'm sorry do for you at this point nothing like absolutely Like absolutely nothing. I would, it would be annoying. Yeah. I mean, your ego would probably be like, oh, you're, see, I told you so, but that's about it. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I think you really have to, without beating yourself up emotionally or

mentally, like, accept that you played a role in this. That, and who who gives a it doesn't matter to me for you it doesn't matter where he was at fault because you're no longer in a relationship with him but it does matter as far as you're concerned the role you played and getting yourself in this emotional like hostage situations and your willingness to stay in those situations because you had the power to remove yourself but you chose to stay and figuring out how do you stop that in the future you know and that just comes down to paying attention in an early dating situation and listening to their answers and their behaviors asking follow-up questions if you get excited about someone still be willing to like consider

the fact that while you can have chemistry and be excited about someone they still might not be your person yeah you're still like really young you have you have a lot going for you it's a great time in your life to invest in your personal life and all your goals and dreams and and and when you prioritize that, if someone comes along to keep prioritizing that, because that will give you more control and more power, knowing that like you have other things going on other than a relationship.

And that will help you make see, they'll help you see things more clearly. It'll help you like see people and their actions at face value, because no matter what, like you're still good. You have so much going for you on your own. And they're just one person. And when it happens, it happens. This is all easier said than done, but like that, that's the mentality you want to try to have. Yeah, no, I definitely get that.

And that's been kind of something I've been thinking about of like making the stakes feel higher, like making sure I'm in a place where I love my life and I don't want it to be messed up. And so like, then the stakes just get higher. Yeah. You know, I just, you got to take it easy on yourself a little bit too. And I think you still like step one is like getting to a place where you're not obsessing over this anymore. It's been a year and the fact that it's, you need to let go.

Yeah. And I honestly feel like any thoughts of it's his fault. you need to just really be like, get out of my head. It doesn't matter. And I think you should actively choose to forgive these people like you're annoyed by. Because they're not responsible for your relationship or your choices or your loyal. And he's probably not a terrible human being. He just hurt you. And that sucks.

But I am confident you're going to look back and laugh. I do hope so. You will be amused by how obsessed and invested you were with this person. Yeah, I'm going to trust you. And I hope so. And I can't wait for that. It will take time. And you won't realize it until well past you giving a shit and then it will literally be like a thought

like oh yeah yes i care uh but i don't anymore you know yeah so like you have to try don't even think about that moment just it'll just let it wash over you and just get out there right now. I think you should really invest in yourself, prioritize things you want to do for yourself. Maybe you don't need to date for a while. Just really, you know, bunker down, like try new things. Just really go out there, invest in friends and go have fun. And if you do date, just be more casual about it. Just meet people, you know, and enjoy getting excited about someone and just really like, let someone, you know, fight for you, I guess, chase you, but like not in a chase where like, I want a boyfriend, but I want them to chase me, but like

chase you in the sense that like right now your priority, your, your, your priority is you right now. And, and get focused on that. Because I think the more you get better at prioritizing yourself and your individual goals, the easier it will be for you to maintain that power and not give it away so quickly to someone you get excited or like. Because you're just like, I don't know. I don't even know if I want to be in this thing because it's going so well. And I'm really accomplishing all these goals.

And I'm doing things. And I don't have all these things going on and I'm really accomplishing all these goals and I'm doing things and I don't have all these things going on that I'm like invested in. Like I wasted so much energy and time on people and relationships that I knew weren't right for me. And that was time and energy I didn't invest in myself.

And I honestly felt like I felt behind. And once I let go of that, I mean, from a career standpoint, from a personalized standpoint, like from having a better social circles and closer relationships with friends and family that all took off once I was able to like, really invest in myself. Yeah. I like that advice. I do. Like, I love my friends. I do. I am someone who's comfortable being alone. And so like, I, I do agree that that's the way to do it. Just buckle down. Yeah.

Just stop being obsessed with fault and that, and try to, these thoughts are going to pop in your head, but you have the control to stop thinking about that. You can recognize I'm thinking about it again. Stop. Whatever it is. I don't know what your passion,

like for me, it's does it sounds when like, I love the green Bay Packers. I love sports. And when I'm like thinking about things that I'm, I'm ruminating over, whether it's work or relationships, I just start thinking about like, who are, who's going to be starting for the Green Bay Packers? Because for me, it's just like video games because like, it really has nothing to do with my life, but I also care about it. I'm invested in it. It's fun for me. And I can think about that. So when I think about things I know aren't doing me any good,

I think about something that is just fun for me to think about that I really emotionally care about. And that's just like a tool I use. So they figure out things that you just like thinking about or you get really into and you nerd out at and nerd out on those things other than obsessing about something from your past. Yeah. I think that's good advice too. Like just let the thoughts go because I, it also like,

I contend to also overanalyze and overthink and then sit and be like, no, I have to sit with these feelings. I used to tell myself, well, I can't tell, I can't help how I feel. Like it's how I feel. I can't help with pops. I'm a hat and you definitely can. Yeah. All right. All right. Good luck. All right. Take care. so much all right take care yeah all right bye-bye all right how's it going good how are you good what's your name my name is astrid how can i help astrid well how old are you i'm 23 how can i help so i wrote in because um actually about a friendship issue, a friendship breakup, which isn't something I thought I would ever write in about. But basically, I have this best friend and we've been best friends for 12 years now since we were 11. We've kind of done everything together and we sort of grew apart as we went to college and stuff.

together and we sort of grew apart as we you know went to college and stuff um and over the past year we've had some ups and downs but we went on vacation not too long ago um lovely vacation um and there's a few prickles as happens with good friends or family members when you're going holiday but after the trip he basically just ghosted me we he didn't speak to me, didn't text me for about a month. I was back in England for a little bit. I was seeing family, didn't text me, started a new job, didn't hear a word from him. And yeah, I just started to panic and it was super strange. And basically just navigating the silence from someone who I've considered to be super close with. And I thought I'd have the decency, you know, to hear from if we had issues. So an update is that I actually have since spoken with this friend.

And we've kind of gone through sort of airing the fact that we're growing apart. And I just kind of need your help with navigating this friendship breakup and creating boundaries and dealing with separation of someone who's been your best friend for 12 years. So why why is it more of a breakup rather than a slow growing apart? So that's the thing is it's like it has felt like a slow growing apart so that's the thing is it's like it has felt like a slow growing apart for an hour for an hour for a year or so um but now we've aired out the fact that we don't think we're necessarily good for each other right now and so we're thinking that it may be best to take time apart how so i mean like it begs the it's, it's a man we're talking about.

Yeah. You generally date men. Yeah. Okay. This man, this man friend is not of the straight nature. Okay. Okay.

So he, okay. So there's no, no. Okay. Um, I, I don't,

I know I can be like rambling, speak circuitously, but I can kind of explain maybe a bit more in detail like why we're disconnecting right now, if that helps. Yeah, yeah. We had like a big issue last year that kind of started our separation because I just felt like he wasn't being necessarily a kind friend to me and it became very clear that he was just irritated by having me around.

And so it just kind of felt like my idiosyncrasies, anything I do, my breathing, whatever it may be, like he just was annoyed by me. You know how that is with siblings. Yeah. And so, yeah. And so in a relationship too. Or in a relationship. Right. And I think that's our issues. We have the type of friendship where we kind of show our worst sides to each other. So I took, and I was kind of in a bad place at the time doing the breakup um mental health so I kind of took past eight months to focus on myself and you know sign up to run a half marathon and focus on fixing my career and then since then we've not been hanging out a bunch so then we went on this trip and when we hashed out over the past week his takeaway is that I have a really big ego that I've lost touch with myself

that I'm self-centered and so to me it's like I can't win do you know what I mean it's like he everything I'm doing is annoying him and And I'm like, how do I navigate this relationship with someone who is my best friend and I love him dearly, but we aren't healthy for each other? And if I'm innately irritated to him, how do I? I mean, you kind of have to let go a little bit. What did you think and feel about him saying all those things about you? what did you think and feel about him saying all those things about you i mean it was hurtful and i i'm always trying to be self-aware and think do i have a big ego but i i really don't think i don't think i do and it just seems like it's a maybe a matter of what do you do you see what do you think about him like i know you love him and he's a friend but like all the things he accused you of and like i don't care so like and i don't know the person but all the things he accused you of do you think some did you did you while he was saying it think to

yourself you know like i don't want to be a critic but it almost like i could say the same things about you at times i feel like 100 yeah 100 and it people with big egos who are selfish and self-centered think that about everyone else except for themselves now i'm not saying he is and i don't know you at all but it sounds like maybe maybe you both have a decent ego and maybe maybe you both are guilty at times of putting your needs above the other person. The thing about a friendship, it can be tough too. It's like sometimes we like to have friends because, you know, especially our platonic friends who like we're not emotionally or romantically connected with. We want them because we always have a few friends that are like we go to for our problems.

We go to and we're sad. We go to and we need. We go to, and we're sad. We go to, and we need a pick me up. Right. And they become like an emotional support system that can be exhausting. You know, like what, what is, what is like, sometimes you're both just like leaning on each other. And it's just like, I'm all, I'm only hearing your shit. I'm only hearing when you're sad. I'm only hearing you complain. I'm only, you know, and it's just like, that does kind of get annoying sometimes. And maybe you're both doing that with each other. And when you're doing that, you're both like, you know, you're probably like, it's nice to have someone you can really just like, not worry about how you sound, right? like be as honest or open with about your feelings about a breakup or how you're feeling. And so you keep that to yourself and they don't see that. But like, if you have one or two people, you choose to like, just unload this stuff over time, it can be like, you know, you're always

just like worried. You're always, you always feel like you're being wronged. You always feel like you're being sad. It's always like, well, maybe you're the problem. And like, they maybe start thinking that, and there's some truth to it, because they're just always hearing you vent. And that can just be a lot sometimes. So maybe you guys just need a break. If you see this person as like your brother, siblings need to take fucking breaks sometimes with one another. I mean, siblings need to take fucking breaks sometimes with one another, you know? It's easier, I think, when it's your sibling, because you're just like, I mean, you'll always be my sibling, and we'll come around, but I kind of don't want to talk to you for the next six

months. With friends who are like your siblings, there's that special bond, because like nothing, nothing's making you guys stay in each other's lives other than the friendship itself or the choice and wanting that and you don't have that security with this person because while he seems like your brother he's not actually your brother you know it's like i have siblings where we've we've gotten in fights or disagreements and we just didn't want to talk to each other and we might have gone like three or four months without talking because it was just like i don't know i'll they'll they'll be there you know and i'll reach out eventually when it's their birthday and say i love them and we'll we'll figure it out right but now you're probably a little afraid

that that might not happen you know because that's going on so i feel like right now just try to maybe let go a little bit right um i just accept it give give give the relationship some space and and just be hopeful you guys can reconnect in the future yeah i think that's fair that would be my guess like it would seem like who knows like you may never it seems like we've been doing that any anyway and i think we're just kind of putting word to what's actually happening what i'm curious about is like do you have any advice on how to navigate that coming back together to prevent this happening again because i don't know if i can deal with like the emotional rubber banding

of being close and feeling great and then once I'm getting on his nerves do you know what I mean like that cycle well I think maybe maybe you need what like what is your friendship circle look like I have some lots of lovely kind of girlfriends, but not a friendship group. Okay. Yeah, and I think that lack of that close connection with other people probably makes you a little bit more fearful of losing this. Yeah, yeah. And making friends as an adult is challenging, but I think maybe you need to like be open to considering and developing new stronger friendships for sure i think it's wise yeah yeah so and that's going to

take some time like anything else and there'll be moments of discouragement i i would be surprised if this person like vanishes from your life forever but now that you guys are adults and and naturally like childhood friends content often grow apart you know and and it's good that you see him like a sibling because now like maybe he's not like your ride or die you talk to every day about everything but is that person where like down the road like you said like on his birthday i miss you or text you happy birthday, thinking of you, I'd love to see you guys. And then you get coffee or dinner

and you don't sit there and rehash the past. You just ask how they're doing. And if, since he called you selfish or ego driven or whatever, and I know that hurt, next time you get together, focus on his life. Ask him about him.

Which seems to be most of what i do anyway yeah i mean that's it and maybe he is the maybe he is the problem in that sort of relationship and then you have to decide well is it really worth it you know is it like to make this friendship work with him you always have to check in with him you always have to be make sure he's okay you have to let him tell you about his problems, but you never feel like safe or like it's okay for you to like tell you hit yours at the risk of him being annoyed by you.

And eventually I think you'll just, right now you're sad about the realization of the relationship ending, but in the future down the road, once you kind of get over that sadness and maybe develop some other interpersonal relationships and friendships, you'll just be like, you know what, it's disappointing, but like, I'm not getting what I need out of this friendship. And yeah, I'll always be there for you. And, you know, we'll stay connected and, you know, we'll check in, but

it's, you're just, you're realizing that he is not the support system that you grew accustomed to, and that's both sad and a little scary. Yeah. Because he was something that you counted on, and now you can't count on him anymore for what you used to. And if I were you, that would be a little scary for me and a little sad. For sure. But you can find it with other other people and it takes time and uh I'm sure a lot of people want to be your friend and and you'll you know like and also like for me I sometimes like what I like to do is like or I used to especially when I was single is I would become friends with people who are like more like

acquaintances and I would always pick and choose certain people to just like tell this like if I needed to get things out and I needed like advice I would like decide it would be like random women in my life like random older women who were like either married with kids like co-workers but we grew like a rapport and a relationship. And they were like my, like my work friend or work mom. And then when, if I was going through some personal shit,

I would like tell them, I trust that they weren't even like, they weren't really in my circle. They had no, like, like, like what my fear was, what they would tell their husband about like some like relationships.

Like, please don't tell anyone. I told you this. And they'd be like, who am I going to tell? And I, it would allow me to like, just kind of like vent like relationships like please don't tell anyone i told you this and they and i it would allow me to like just kind of like vent and like i i was friends with them we built a relationship but like it was i've i figured out who people i could share things with and get things out and feel like i could talk to people and right now i think you you you don't have that right now because you lost him. So figure out other people to connect with.

And it doesn't always have to be your best friend or your ride or die. It can be random fucking people who you just needed to sit down and talk with. Yeah, that's great. It's funny you say that because I just started this new job and I've befriended the cleaning ladies that work in facilities and every these past few days they're like how are you going how's it doing you feeling better today sometimes it's nice to have people to talk to and just like you feel a little bit like cleansed after you get things out so in the meantime and then just be very open to meeting new people and developing friendships and relationships. And I think it'll, it'll work itself out. But right now, I think you're just kind of mourning the loss of more,

more specifically an emotional support system that you got so accustomed to. And that's a little scary and hard to deal with, but yeah, it doesn't like the strange, it's a strange realization of you something of like the first time in life I'm going, do I have a best friend? Do you know what I mean? It's a strange realization of you something of like the first time in life I'm going do I have a best friend? Do they really? Who is my best? I guess I don't know what that means anymore but that's okay.

I guess that's okay. Why do we always have to have a best friend? As I've gotten older I've had different best friends. I was talking about this with my girlfriend about like who is my best friend right now and not to sound like corny, but it's 100% Natalie because I just spend all my time with her and she's the person I go to and I share this stuff. And my other best friends in my life

that like, you know, I still consider my best friend, but like practically speaking, like a lot of them don't even know what's going on in my life, you know, because like they have kids, they live in different parts of the country. Like we're just, you know, and we reconnect and we catch up, but like, I'm not calling them up to like, let them know how I'm feeling about a certain situation and trying to get some guidance for them because like they, they can't necessarily relate. So like, you know, having that best friend as i think as we get older it becomes less of a necessity and more of a nice to have and we can get the emotional support we need from variety of different people in our lives it doesn't always have to be this one person yeah yeah that makes sense it's an adjustment for sure but i guess that's just growing up right

yeah a little bit like the takeaway at least i'm trying to tell myself is that even though this is very layered and it's been painful at times i guess at the end of the day none of it's really that deep and i just have to i mean yeah it's just it's it's okay it doesn't say anything about you it's not a reflection of who you are it's just just okay. It is a part of life. And it is an opportunity as well. I think that's where you can help yourself is seeing it as an opportunity to like, you know, reevaluate your circle, your circle of influence, your friends, the people you connect with. It's, you know, sometimes we just like in even relationships, we just get comfortable, not necessarily because we're happy, but we're comfortable. And we don't know what not having this thing is, so we just stay in this unhappy, comfortable situation.

And so maybe this friendship was long overdue from like, maybe he shouldn't have been the person for maybe the past two years that you went to anyways, because maybe he is a little, maybe he's the selfish one, and maybe he's the one with the ego, and you were going to him for counsel and support, and he wasn't able to give it to you. Like, you were just like, I don't know, you're my friend. It's my expectation. So, it is an opportunity to try to find people who maybe are more in tune with where you're at in your life, and you're more on the same page. And that also can change. You might develop a friend and be friends with them. And then two years from now, outgrow them a little bit. I mean, you're always going to keep making friends. I'm still making friends. I have people in my life that I go to and I didn't even know they existed three years ago.

Yeah. Special. Yeah. You never know what's going to come into your life. Yeah. Yeah. You're just kind of going through this in an adjustment period and I think it's a little more scary than anything, but you'll probably be fine. And as far as this friendship goes, I would give him the space he wants and, you know,

down the road, reconnect and just keep him around because he's more like your brother than anything and you can still have a relationship just change the relationship and by changing that relationship with him maybe it becomes successful again because you're no longer counting on each other so much maybe you guys were a little bit too dependent on one another so next time you reconnect you have all these other friends, other people you're going to. And now when you see him, you just see him. You just talk. You catch up. You're not emotionally dumping on each other about all the things that are going on and things that you're dissatisfied with in your life. You're just being a friend to one another. And maybe that friendship will flourish again. It's entirely possible.

Yeah. I've been joking that I've always said growing up he's going to be my man of honor at my wedding and I might need to cast a new person for that spot. Who knows? Maybe not. It might still be him. Nanny and I were talking about this the other day and had I got married when I was 24

and I'm friends with all these people but a certain person would have been my best man and then if I had got married at 28 a certain person would have been my best man. And then if I had to got married at 28, a different person would have been my best man. And like at 30, you know, three, a different person would have been my best man. And I'm still friends with all these people and they might all stand up at my wedding. They also might not, I don't know. I'm not engaged right now. And I don't even know what my wedding is going to look like or how many people are involved. So just be careful about like stressing about like whether he's going to stand up and you're not, you was completely joking about that was a poorly delivered joke these are the

things that's like sometimes can like get us down when we're feeling down and we have a way of like obsessing them and making us feel worse because like we you know like to live in that sadness so yeah yeah no it'll be okay i'll be okay and i will i love him deeply he's a great human being i think yeah just got to figure out how to love each other correctly yeah you just need some space and you need to build out your your friendship group yeah all right we'll be good yeah all right thank you all right take care thanks for calling bye Bye. Cheers. Bye. Thanks. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com.

See you tomorrow. Okay. Bye.