The Viall Files - E436 Ask Nick with Morgan Absher - Men Are Emasculated by Me!

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! In this episode we welcome Content Creator and Co-Host of the Two Hot Takes Podcast, Morgan Absher, to help us solve our four callers’ questions in the world of dating. Our first caller struggles with the maturity of guys she’s dating in a relatively small pool of people in her southern town, especially when after admitting she is a surgeon her dates tend to attempt to compensate. Now, she wonders if moving to a major city and upping the age range on her dating apps will give her more chances to find love. Our next caller has recently moved and struggles to find friendships in her new city. Now wondering how to deal with something so common, she learns that it might be okay to admit that you’re lonely. After that, our caller has a sticky situation where he can’t tell if his guy best friend may have feelings that extend beyond friendship. After his friend breaks up with his girlfriend, our caller has trouble telling if advances like an armpit tickle could be curiosity or strictly platonic. Our last caller wonders if he should start back up a relationship from the past year after exploring his options more. Now he wonders if this past relationship is worth pursuing and if he’s just been wasting his time looking for the perfect option instead of recognizing what is in front of him. “What you’re doing isn’t going to get you what you want!” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Rothys: Get $20 off your first purchase at http://www.Rothys.com/VIALL  ShipStation: Sign up using promo code VIALL for a FREE 60-day trial today at http://www.ShipStation.com and start saving time with every shipment.  ZocDoc: Go to http://www.ZocDoc.com/VIALL and download the ZocDoc app for free. Away: Start your 100-day trial and shop the entire Away lineup of travel essentials, including their best-selling suitcases at http://www.AwayTravel.com/viall Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @morgsyabsher @twohottakes See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of The Vile Files. I'm your host, Nick. This is an Ask Nick edition. We have Allie in studio, Amanda. You're backing up. You just landed. Yes.

And I had to pick up my keys from my boyfriend's house, so I am zooming from his living room. Ooh. Ooh. had to pick up my keys from my boyfriend's house so i am zooming from his living room i had a topic that i wanted to discuss because last week i went on very like a very dull i would say a dull date with this guy from hinge and i think in his mind he thought it went very well i did not feel the same so i ended up texting Nick and asked you how I could tell that to him ended up texting him he responded very well but I was wondering I'm like what is the the kind of like back and forth because I've had people say well you know it's the first date you know people are nervous you need to give it at least a few dates to see what's really there but then I've

also had people say well if the best thing that happened on this date was that it wasn't bad that's not a sign to go on a second one it's like yeah so it's like how do you know is it worth giving it a second one or are you just like i guess it just depends on how you're feeling yeah right i don't know there was just like nothing else i was interested to know about this man so i think that's what what was so bad about It just kind of, I was just so kind of like, I felt exhausted at the end of it and it wasn't even two hours. Um, and it just, it was just the one who only talked and didn't ask questions. Yes. Well, that could be why you got exhausted. Yeah. Cause I was the one fueling it. I think I made the right call by not wanting to go on a second date, but then there was something in the back of my mind

of like, Oh, are you like cutting it off off too short well then how do you know you made the right call because the person you're talked about recognized his behavior yeah and acknowledged it yeah which doesn't always happen i know i just feel like there wasn't enough net positive too i mean people get nervous on first dates yeah whatever i think. I think I made the right call. There was just like this little twinge of me like feeling bad but maybe I don't need to feel bad. If you were attracted to him or you found him exciting

or maybe you're just like you thought he had a cool job so if nothing else you got to hear about his cool. I don't know. But yeah if you're just like why am I coming out then you don't okay you know don't he'll he'll be fine yeah he'll find his person yeah someday and now he had a lovely text in his phone from nick well not from me but i cushioned what nick nick was very

like nick said to say i'm not sure I'm interested in a second date, but I appreciated the first one. And I cushioned it with like a little bit before and a little bit afterwards. Cause that felt like a little too direct. What's wrong with being direct with someone you don't plan on seeing? Read your cushion. Oh, cause he kind of apologized for talking too much. And I just said, all good.

It's great that you're so passionate about what you do. I'm not sure i'm up for a second date but i really appreciate the first one there's the nick nugget and i said it was great meeting you and i wish you the best and i think nick hated the i wish i wish you the best it was totally unnecessary it made me feel better in the moment sometimes it's all good i had really, thank you for the first date. I don't know if the second one, yeah, it'll sting a little bit, but he'll be fine.

Honestly, I was just proud of myself for going. So, here we are. Keep on swinging. I swung. Anyway,

we have a great week lined up. Great episode. We'll get to our callers in a second. Tomorrow, the wonderful Hannah Berner is with us. Very funny,

very delightful. She's been on before. We'll be talking all things pop culture, freestyle, probably dating a relationship with Hannah, she always has some good anecdotal stories on Wednesday Going Deeper, Jenny Mullen my friend, author, wonderful

person, she's done some stuff with Bachelor Nation in the past, she's also Jason Biggs' wife, you know, very dynamic deal, anyway, she's very funny, very talented and she's with us on Going Deeper on Wednesday. Oh, texting office hours? If you have a text, we might select you. So if you're listening to this Monday morning,

email us at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K. And don't forget to send in any of your questions. This episode is with the wonderful Morgan Epsher, who you might know from her popular podcast, Two Hot Takes, which does very similar stuff. And we invited Morgan, and she's great. It was a great little duo dynamic. Enjoy the episode. Lovely.

How's it going? Hi, it's good. My name's Lauren and I'm 31 years old. How can we help, Lauren? So I am currently single. I'm from the East Coast and I'm in kind of a rural southern state. I've been single for the last couple years and I've had a really hard time finding, I think, the right guy to date.

So I'm currently a physician physician a full-time surgeon and I feel like I've always wanted to find a guy that was like my equal counterpart that was also had a career and was driven um was well traveled was socially diverse had an education I could have like an intellectual conversation with but but I feel like all those... There's a lot of lists in there. They're going down few and few, which is my problem. So those men that I had dated, I feel like they were always kind of still demasculinated by me. So, and I realized it wasn't working anyway.

So I kind of like broadened my horizons and tried to date like the blue collar worker. And, you know, I went out with HVAC guy and the UPS worker and like, those were fine, too. But then I noticed, you know, I took off my dating profile, like my, what my job was, because I felt like I was getting less opportunities from that. And then I was, you know, on a date with a truck driver. And my friend, who's also an email surgeon was like, what the hell are you doing dating this truck driver? Like you have so many good things going for you. You have an Ivy league education, you're well-established. Like, why are you going out with these guys i mean like no one's paying for any of your dates you're miserable you're paying for all the dates oh i'm paying for like probably 90 of the

dates yeah not even splitting well most of them we are splitting but sometimes i'll be like oh i'll get this round they're like yeah of course you're paying you're paying for is it because of where you live i mean are these guys like can't afford it? Like where are you going? I'm kind of in a Southern area. No, I'm kind of like in a decent sized city in the South. And I kind of assumed that. In the South of all places.

What happened to Southern hospitality? I know. I even, I went on one date with a guy and my friend was like, do not pay. Let the check sit there. Don't offer to split it so i did that finally for one date and then we sat there for a whole goddamn hour with the check on the table and i was like you know what no i'll pay i don't care some of them are first some of them are second or thirds yeah i think you know my first dates are you always going to dinner or

drinks like where are you going usually usually drinks i feel like a lot of times they don't suggest and are usually it's like a drink somewhere interesting yeah honestly it's kind of a good play because i feel like long commitments on a first date can be really brutal in case you yeah i'm not an escape i'm not a big dinner on a first date yeah it's a time commitment i don't have a lot of time i now i feel like drinks work well for me but at the same time like i can't even get those i'm a little surprised to hear that you're paying as much as you are regardless of profession like truck drivers can make a good living like they can certainly pay for drinks exactly i don't know if that's my profession and that's why someone suggested for me to take it off.

So you think that maybe because they know you're a surgeon, they assume that you should pay? Is that your assumption? I don't know. Right. I don't know. And I don't know if it's... Have you taken it off your dating profile yet? So I did.

Yeah. And that's when my friend like... Did you notice a shift? Maybe a little bit, not a whole lot. Maybe a little bit. So you didn't really notice a marketable. Not a marketable change, yeah. And I think my friend's point was that like,

you're setting your, like, why are you not selling yourself for all that you are? Well, I don't necessarily agree with your friend. I'm not a big believer in list building when it comes to finding a partner. Like, I don't, like, it's all these things that you described. Like, I guess some of them are nice and could be interesting.

Like, certainly wanting to have someone that you have interesting conversations with, that matters, right? Because if you're someone who's a conversationalist and you want to connect with your partner. But I would say I want someone I connect with on some sort of level. But where they went to college, what they do for a living, you can find great people and shitty people in all different types of professions. believer in finding someone like you know character traits in terms of how they make you feel uh the type of what you're feeling when you're around them you know when you start looking for these kind of superficial qualities i think well one like you said you have a list of like well traveled has a certain you know i want a surgeon or a certain type of school you're just you're just already narrowing down your list and then then a lot of those situations, you're probably finding people have

a sense of entitlement or, you know, when two people who are building lists are looking, who find each other, there's probably a lot of like entitlement, I guess. I would say maybe, and maybe you can help fill in some blanks but I feel like maybe that was your initial dating but by the sounds of how you've kind of cycled now you've gone out with a UPS guy the HVAC guy truck drivers I feel like you're kind of at this point now where maybe the list has been put on the back burner more recently because yeah so I try to like I recognize I was like I'm 31 I need to expand my horizons. Like there are great blue collar workers out there and there are great people who don't have the backgrounds I

do a hundred percent. So I think the problem is, is that a lot of the people I've been going at more recently are like guys from here who have never left, who never want to leave. I think this is like God's greatest given state and just have no like ambition you know like they're happy doing what they're doing and so i also feel like i'm stuck in that regard too that it's like well i have no problem like exploring a lot of these men but at the same time are they going to move with me are they going to travel with me or that you know so i'm actually getting ready to move to austin so i'm excited to hopefully that that'll bring a whole lot better options yeah but part of me is

afraid too that i'll have the exact same situation and that maybe it isn't like a local thing issue maybe it is just the guys i'm selecting or the situation i'm in. Dating can be discouraging and you are still just looking for one and you are only 31. I know that might be easier for me to say than for you to hear, but eventually it's going to happen. Rothy's, love what Rothy is doing they're saving

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the microphone on the top of the page, and type in V-I-A-L-L, ShipStation, make ship happen. I think Austin honestly sounds great. I don't know what city you're in, obviously, I think Austin honestly sounds great. I don't know what city you're in, obviously, but smaller cities make it harder for women to date in general. And you being at the status you're at, the more intelligent a woman is, the more successful a woman is. Unfortunately, her dating pool gets smaller. Like that's kind of the reality. We have to shrink ourselves sometimes to make guys feel better if you're a successful woman right i think it's been like my reality pill is i thought those would all be great things and selling points but i i just have found that they really haven't been and they're they seem to be

like intimidating and have you never met a guy who you felt like appreciated those things not really a lot of it's like your your schedule schedule's too hard or, you know, like, um, I'm just not as flexible with what I'm able to do, or like, I will never be a stay-at-home mom type of situation. Sometimes that's been the issue. And I've been like, well, I'm okay with you being a stay-at-home dad. What about that? And that's like very quickly. It threatens their masculinity. Of course not right right well couldn't neither of you be stay-at-home parents love a good nanny yeah yeah yeah 100 percent um but maybe that's just the culture here kind of like the south i don't know yeah i could see that

i think maybe it's a little bit too traditional and where austin might be a little bit more progressive where you can find someone who wouldn't be opposed to being a stay-at-home dad or even just not having a stay-at-home wife caregiver you know type person I think there's lots of potential I'm excited for you so is there any other like is there a specific question other than like trying to figure out if you think you might be doing something wrong type of thing I guess I was like my question was like my friend kept saying, you're dating out of your league. And I'm like, is that possible? I personally think you're doing it right,

which is you're expanding your dating pool. Because as you've told us, you've proven to yourself that you can find a surgeon and a plumber who can both feel emasculated by your profession or have certain expectations of what they want from the person they marry that doesn't line up with your expectations of what you want from a husband. So unless your friend seems to care more about status, that's how it sounds to me. And it doesn't sound like you've recognized that maybe you're not looking for a status in your partner. It doesn't

really matter to you, which I think is great, which I think will only expand your options. Yeah. How old are a lot of the guys you're going out with? I think I put my age range 26 to 33 or something like that. I would up that, way up. Guys mature much more slowly. Yeah, but they also die sooner so i like your age range you know i would bump it up more divorcees and more kids the later i put it that is true and well i don't i think you should expand it yeah i mean if you want to go out the 26th year i'd go

but like i i would it doesn't shock me that that going on a date with a 26, 27, 28 year old guy has some dumb questions and says some dumb things. Yeah. I, you know, and I feel like I didn't really figure myself out until I was 28. Now that's just me. I mean, you know, I don't know if I'm the norm, but I do think guys mature later in life. And yes, you are going to find more people who are divorcees or have kids. Also, maybe that could be your guy. You have to be mindful, like your friend who had that comment or whatever she said. Yeah. You know, all the things, all the questions that seem annoying to you

and frustrating to you. I mean, like imagine like a divorced dad might, the type of questions he might get, you know, or maybe a single guy who's in his 40s who hasn't been married or have kids and the what's wrong with you questions why haven't you settled down yet like so we all kind of come in and pre-judge people on dates so it's not just happening to you it is happening to everyone and it's happening to to men too so i think it's just a good, the one that you're not the only one going through

it. And two, also just be careful you're not doing it to the people you're dating as well or considering dating. I feel like it's always like a cycle because then at some point I'm like, I feel like I'm holding back because I can't talk about my shit because I don't want you to feel, and I don't know. I just always feel like it's a vicious cycle. Well, I mean, I know I struggle with it too. Like I think we all, someone tells us something, we want to relate.

And sometimes, and I think Matt are particularly bad at this and I know I can work on it, but like sometimes you just want to like just listen. It's not a moment to compare or say me too. I all, you know, it's just like you just want to listen and I don't know,

maybe that's something that's going on too. But your general question, I think it's great that you've expanded your dating pool. I think you could expand the age as well. I honestly think if as a 31-year-old woman having 33 be your cap off, I'm a little surprised by that. I would go up to 45. In a weird way, but. Yeah. Well, especially if you want to have kids with someone, I think.

45-year-old guys can't have kids? Yeah. I'm not saying she should start only dating 45-year-olds, but I think open the range and see who you might meet. I guess more the merrier see who you might meet. I guess more the merrier at this point. Like, see what's out there. I do like the divorce day thing because I'm like, if they're divorced with no kids, maybe they learned from their mistakes and they've grown and, you know, whatever. And that would be good.

Or kids. I don't know. Maybe one or two. I'm not telling her to marry a divorced person with kids. I'm not ready to be a stepmom. I'm taking this too personal. I'm just saying, yeah, if our caller's calling in with frustrations about people prejudging her, we're all sounding a little shocked because, oh, my God, you're a surgeon. How cool.

How impressive. And that's the expectation. There's a lot of like, and yes, I'm assuming male surgeons will get more credit, I guess, and like praise whether where women surgeons seem to like, you know, it comes to their personal life struggle. Nevertheless, you are still dealing with prejudgment. Yeah. And if we're going to continue to prejudge anyone for anything, those people are going to be frustrated too. she's ever dated who's 27, learn from some tough breakups, and is super confident with who he is and what he provides. And like, oh my God, you found your husband. Yeah. And I like that. Okay. Okay. You've convinced me. I would also just say, I think it's sort of like when you're hunting for apartments, how it's like the ones on apartments.com always get bought up right away. Like the ones that the

avenues that the most people are trafficking are going to be the most competitive landscape. So like try coffee meets bagel, like try the league, try like fucking match.com or like whatever else. Like I think in the other thing, like kind of from like the matchmaking perspective is that so many women have really hard cutoffs surrounding height.

So I think if that's something that you're open to being even slightly flexible on, like there are some fucking amazing you could be the sophie turner to his joe jonas you're five nine oh god i mean my girlfriend's five nine but i have my sister's tall as well and that was a big struggle for her it was King Spring. But yeah, I get it. Just so you know, that is a you problem. That's something you have to get over. I think it works both ways sometimes, though. Totally.

Sure. But I think just maybe opening yourself up to it and kind of just seeing how it feels. Because I totally get that fear of you don't want to feel like you're towering over someone or feel self-conscious. But there's also some men who are so confident. And they'll make you feel confident in those heels still and then being shorter won't even matter yeah i think it goes both ways but my i think for the most part the short shorter men who don't want to date a taller woman won't even they'll weed themselves they'll weed themselves out yeah yes yeah but the guys who aren't bothered by it you 5'10", 5'11", I feel like when you find the person that you should be with, all these things about their profession and how many times they've been to Asia or if they're 5'11", and how many books they read aren't really going to matter to you.

I think Austin will be good. New city, new dating pool. Yeah, I'm really hoping for that. Hopefully you can do some stuff in person. I've always wanted to try speed dating. I never got the shot. I really think upping your age is going to help significantly. Yeah, and Austin is such a professional city from my experience there that I think it'll

be good. I mean, 31, 32, 33 for men is like the new 22. It's the prime. You're getting like, you're, you're just like, it seems like slim pickings. I don't know.

I believe you. You're searching a bunch of fuck boys and like new city, new men that don't have Peter Pan syndrome. Single 30 year olds are just, you know, new, the new fuck boys. Yeah.

So either you, they got wifed up early in their twenties. So yeah, find the find the guy who's got out of that phase yeah and a young divorcee i'm i'm liking this plan i think like there's so many like trends going around right now where people are like even women are like i wish i would have already been divorced by 28 i would have like learned so much more about myself and been blah blah blah so it's like yeah i mean i divorced, but like, it's only because like I was either lucky enough or smart enough to not get married, but there's a world in which I did. Oh, the multiverse? We're going to go, yeah.

Yeah. And so, yeah, I've learned, like I've matured a lot through some tough breakups and tough relationships. And the difference between me and some of their guys it's like he just happened to get married in divorce and i don't have that label of divorce i just yeah i didn't have to hire a lawyer i was like i think we should break up you know yeah and it was that easy so yeah i think yeah try to continue to get rid of those preconceived thoughts and just open yourself up. And when you get fatigued with dating, take a break. Yes. You know?

Yeah. Don't be afraid to just get off the apps for a couple weeks or a month and reset. And just like anything else, working out, you get fatigued, you need to like take a break. And dating, you know, if you feel fatigued, you're not going to be going in with the right mindset and you're the right energy. And so I think you, you know, it's always okay to just take breaks and then get back into it from time to time. Yeah. Well, thank you so much. All right. Take care. I appreciate it. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. out from time to time. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. I appreciate it. All right. Bye-bye.

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can we help? So basically a little backstory is I kind of grew up in the same town my whole life, went to college there, and always had ideas of moving to a bigger city. And then I graduated during COVID, so that kind of delayed everything. And then about two months ago, I finally had the opportunity. I already had a city plan, found a job there. And I've been living here for two months now. And I only have like one friend from college that is from here. And I think I just had all these like grand ideas of like living on my own for the first time and being in a bigger city. And now that I'm here, it's kind of like, I guess a lot lonelier than I thought. And it's kind of like, get up, go to work, come home, hang out with my dog, go to bed, do it over again. And so I kind of was just wondering

any advice you have, like, I'm in my early twenties, I'm in a brand new city. Like, how do you put yourself out there? How do you make friends as an adult? Things like that. Yeah. That's a, it's a tough one. It's also very relatable. One, you said you've only been there for two months? Yeah. I mean, that's nothing in the grand scheme of things. So also, what you're feeling is so normal. So try not to get discouraged. You're not doing anything wrong. It's just a very normal feeling, especially having one friend. i say it takes at least a good year to feel comfortable in a new city maybe even longer you know and like i think

it'll always get better after a year but like it might take two or three years to really make that place feel like home and you move from a place that you went for your whole life and then you went to college there so that place felt like home and now you're in a place that literally doesn't feel that way so you're grappling with that sense of like i'm just living in a place i'm not feeling like a sense of community yeah no connection or just home you know it's and that's just what just takes time so like one just give yourself a little break. And, you know, like, I don't know if you're having any like thoughts of regret or beating yourself up. Like what's, you know, if any of those, try to eliminate those thoughts from your mindset because it really only has been a couple months.

What have you, like work, are you working with a lot of people? Yeah, work is actually pretty good. I mean, we are kind of in a hybrid model right now. So like the days I work from home do kind of suck, but everyone that I work with is really great. We're all roughly in the same age range, which is really nice. And so I'm hoping that goes somewhere in the future. But right now I feel like we're still

very much like the getting to know each other, like only talking or hanging out like in the office kind of vibe. How are you and like asking someone like, I mean, making friends as an adult is kind of like dating. You kind of have to. Sometimes you have to make the first move. Yeah. I mean, making friends as an adult is kind of like dating. You kind of have to. Sometimes you have to make the first move. Yeah. I mean, when we were in grade school, it was like we used to say things like, do you want to be my friend? Literally. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, as cheesy as it is, when my girlfriend moved here, she didn't know anyone but me. And obviously, I would hate for me to be the only person someone knows. So she would literally reach out to people and be like, do you want to be friends? And I was always really impressed by it. But it's very charming. And no one says no. They either say yes and mean it or they say yes and don't mean it. You know what I'm saying?

And you'll find out quickly. And they just don't follow up. They they're not available but no one's like no so i i think you know you don't have to like actually do you want to be my friend but you know maybe like coordinate like at work like a little happy hour hey guys i found this new like place that does like a trivia or a after work like anyone interested in going and i feel like i'm guessing a lot of people who you work with probably feel similar to what you feel at least a couple yeah definitely right and someone's gonna pick up on on those things, you have a dog. Like you have the easiest entry point.

Like if there's hiking groups or dog meetups, whatever that is, like I'm sure find someone with a similar interest. Go bring your dog to these places or coffee shops that allow dogs and make it a pattern. I'm going to go to this coffee shop every Saturday morning and see who else is there. Don't be afraid to like, tell people like you feel a little lonely sometimes. I feel, and what I mean by that is

like, it's okay to just, when I moved to Chicago, I had no problem being like, yeah, I don't know anyone. And when you tell people you don't know anyone or you have no friends, people are like, oh, well, I know people. Like, so just, I just, you don't have to act like you're not lonely and you don't have to pretend that you have a ton of friends. It's okay to just say how you feel around people. Because I do think people, if they know that you're in need of companionship and friendship, like not everyone, but you're going to find people who'll be like, oh, well, you should come with us.

And then, you know, you're going to find people who'll be like, oh, well, you should come with us. And then, you know, you're going to have to be adventurous. You will like want to say yes to things that you might be like, I don't know, I just want to go home and hang out with my dog, you know, because I think the pandemic has made everyone a little bit more comfortable in their surroundings and their safe zones and like just their regular routine. And so be mindful of that, that you are saying yes to things when given the opportunity, even if you are a little tired and a little like you just want to

be in my bed, put in the sweatpants and go home and watch, you know, like, you know, you're going to have to get out and try those things. And so like a little bit is this challenge. Make sure you are saying yes to those things when the opportunities do present themselves. Yeah. power of tiktok is incredible like i've seen so

many videos of girls being like i just moved here i have no friends even people i thought were my friends suck like i like photography i have a dog i love traveling and in the comments it's just hundreds of i'll be your friend i'll be your friend. I'll be your friend. So you never know the power of TikTok. I love a good like, I have a TikTok confessional. The algorithm is so strong. One popped up for me and it was like, I am a girl from Minnesota who moved to LA and I'm struggling with friends.

I was like, hey, I like slid into the comments. I was like, here's my Insta, reach out. Like, I was like, what are the odds? Yeah. And like mentioning where you're from, like, you know, add the hashtags or whatever about like something about you that people can relate to. And then obviously from safety purposes, meet people in public areas, you know,

screen them on a Zoom or meet them in public areas. Don't give out too much personal information you know so you don't just want to be careful about what that stuff but yeah i've seen those and it seems like they really work yeah do i saw like one they were like like and it went like this and they showed the initial video and then the next video was them like in cancun on a girl's trip and i was like okay this is so wholesome friend goals yeah i love this and also just when you do that don't get discouraged if you meet someone and then like a month later you're like this person fucking sucks it's like dating you know like dating you it's gonna it still is like you you're

gonna if you start incorporate some of these things i'm pretty certain you're gonna have some some early success but like dating yeah you're gonna to have to it's going to take you a good year to two years to find that group that people that you've really like turned into like some ride or die some true friendships some people that you can like rely on and trust and and up into that point you're yeah it's going to be a lot of like surface level friendships of like people who like to go can can cancun and you're like let's let's do this crazy thing i met my best my best friend in la that's how i ended up in la i i was living in chicago and i went to lollapalooza love lala and um this guy who's now like my best la friend recognized me on the bachelor and i would had my guard up, but he was like the funniest,

most approachable guy. And I just kept being like, all right, dude. And I ran him three days in a row. And by the third day we were just like fast friends. Did we just become best friends? It was basically that.

And then he was like, Hey, I have like a house in LA and I have this extra room. And at the time I had a, uh, my agent, I assigned it with an agent but i didn't really know anything and he was trying to get me to move out to la and i was like fuck do i do this that's

his fate that's incredible and then i was just like hey man like just don't murder me you know we kind of choked and he ended up being amazing and we're like best friends and um so sometimes you just have to take some risks but that could have gone you know many different i was prepared for it to go any which way right but um yeah the other thing is that i found in la like my biggest obstacle to friends is like flaking like just because and especially post-pandemic i just feel like in general people are a lot flakier so one thing that i think can be kind of nice is like i think trivia is awesome because it's the perfect combination of like you can chat you can get to know people, but it's also, it's like, if you're, if it's not super free flowing, like you can always just like kind of like lean into

the activity and like pick, if you have a bar that you go to the trivia night every single week, and then all of your friends know, or all of your acquaintances or all of your work people know that like this happens every single week, then it's like, you know, maybe only like one third of the people show up each time, but then you start to have this like group going. And then it just kind of becomes cemented as opposed to the like comparing calendars and trying to find a time that works. And then from there you can like see which people you really like and like hang out with them one-on-one. And I don't know, like this might not be for you. I don't know if it's different being a man versus being a woman, but like when I also lived chicago i like i would have never done this in milwaukee because i would have felt like i would

have judged myself and i feel like there's freedom of moving to a new place and i started just going to dinners by myself i would like go to like a nice steak place and like sit at the bar and just like treat myself and people will approach you that's the part that you might not want like you just it might you might like get hit on too much or so i don't know if you're comfortable with that but the idea of just like doing things on your own and saying fuck it i'm gonna go out to the dog park or go to a coffee shop in this, try to create it in approachable situation. If you're down for that, it's just another way of like, people at dog parks.

It is a, it is a squad. There's a dog park like two blocks away from me. They brought me in. I feel like I have like one of them's like a mother from Canada. And I now feel like she's my mom. Like there's this other like young guy who like our dogs get along, like be part of the group.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe take an improv class, like some type of class. Oh my God. Skillshare. Like along, like be part of the group. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe take an improv class, like, uh, some type of class. Oh my God. Skillshare. Like any,

like, you know, stand up comedy, whatever it is. You don't even have to like, want to be a comedian or get into improv. Pottery. Like anything.

And don't get discouraged. I mean, I'm 28 and I've got a close knit group, but I still have those days where I'm like, Oh, I'd really like some more new friends. And, oh, it's so hard to make friends in a big city and stuff like that. So don't get discouraged.

It'll come together for you. Okay. Yeah. That's good to hear. That's the thing. Just stay active. Go out there. Say yes to things.

Don't get discouraged. Give it some time. It'll definitely happen. Embrace the Jim Carrey, the Yes Man. Have you seen that movie? Yeah, yeah. That's like what you got to do. don't get discouraged give it some time it'll it'll definitely happen embrace the jim carrey the yes man have you seen that movie yeah yeah that's like what you got to do as like hard as it is like the bed thing i'm i think i'm like i just would rather have a nap you just gotta embrace the yes and you know again tell people that you're in the dog part oh how what are you doing oh i'm new here i'm just looking to meet people say that and

people i promise you it's not it's the same it's just like dating it's not desperate it's saying what you want it's putting it out there it's up to them of how they want to receive it but you might as well shoot your shot no you're just like i just moved here i don't know yeah who you know it's a weird thing to like expect you to know like it's a normal thing it is you know to not know on know someone you move to a new city so saying that is that's why like when i did it like i wouldn't have done it in milwaukee because i i kind of i was from there so i had this expectation of myself like me going dinner on my own like i should never have to do that because i should have friends because i'm from

here and when i moved i immediately was like well i't know anyone. So I guess I can go to dinner by myself. But nothing really changed except that I stopped judging myself. Yeah. Perfect excuse. Yeah. Okay. That makes me feel, I feel like, yeah, just continuing to put myself out there, even when it's difficult and tiring is like the only way to really get results. Yeah. And I think at work, maybe try to be the person who takes the initiative to create a after work environment. Someone's going to, people are going to take you up on that. Yeah.

I think you, you are a very relatable person for a lot of people who are just afraid of taking that initiative of putting themselves out there, trying to organize something. Everyone's just waiting for other people to do it and like come to them and ask them to be friends rather than putting themselves out there trying to organize something. Everyone's just waiting for other people to do it and come to them and ask them to be friends rather than putting themselves out there. Yeah. And if they're around the same age as you, I'm sure they graduated during COVID too. And I feel like even my most extroverted friends, the people that were social butterflies would dance on tables at bars are coming out of COVID being like, I have social anxiety and that's never going to happen again.

So take the initiative. And I think trivia honestly sounds like a great time. All right. All right. Thank you guys so much. All right. Take care. Bye.

Thanks, you too. Bye. Bye. How's it going? Good. My name is Jack. I'm 29. So thanks for having me how can we help so i recently met someone who joined my group at work um this last fall and i found him like really attractive off the bat um we'd like definitely hit it off but at the time like he was dating someone he was dating a girl and so like it was just very platonic we go out for drinks like maybe once every few weeks once

a month um and then this come this summer I'd invited him and his girlfriend to come with me and my friends um on a trip away for the weekend and he actually asked if just he could come and I was like yeah sure um come to find out him and his girlfriend had broken up and it seems like within the last like three weeks our like relationship has like very much changed and like we text all the time I see him about three times a week we'll go running together um but I have no indication of like if we are truly just friends if I'm like feeling like an emotional void um or really what the situation is like I've had some cues from him but I can't fully read it and so you're just trying to figure out if you should make a move yeah if I should make a move

or if I'm reading the situation properly I am leaving to go abroad at the end of the summer. So I'll be gone for a year. So it's kind of one of those two where like, I'm willing to kind of risk it a little bit because like I'll be overseas. Does he know that you date men? Yes. He does. Okay.

Yes. Is there a reason you haven't just sat down and asked him yet? Because he's given me no indication he's ever, to all I know, he's straight. So I don't know if it's just our genuine connection or it's like, does that make sense? Like I didn't want to go too much on sexuality. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, for sure.

You know, I have a handful of gay friends. For sure. You know, I have a handful of gay friends. And for me, you know, like whether you're gay or straight, if you're my friend, like I like being wall up or be extra cautious or be careful of how I am around my gay friends because I I'm afraid of giving them the wrong signal or wrong vibe yeah you know what I'm saying like my I've I'm very comfortable around gay people like you know like I've invited a gay bar like yeah go to your gay bar I don't care so i'm just wondering if if if that could just be him where he's just you know he's not doing maybe like more you know things in the past where some guys might be like just you know like or like feel like they have to just i'm

straight bro i'm straight or whatever or like yeah weird things or like make a comment and they're just and maybe they're so comfortable, because like a lot of heterosexual men, they bond on like, I mean, you go on The Bachelor and you have a bunch of guys living with each other. There's a lot of like, I love you, man, and like cuddling and like, they're just, they've bonded and they develop a close connection. And it doesn't necessarily, it doesn't mean they are are gay or are fluid they just feel comfort and and and that could just be it here's where my hope which is very it very well could be i mean i can dive into some of like the signs i've gotten because my i would love yeah i mean we'd love more detail i know well i peaked and i'm like okay it sounds

like he's kind of flirty though and so i'm like yeah for sure yeah and so we do a dramatic read yeah sorry to preface like the conversation we were having i just told him like hey like i'm really anxious today um and then he responded like inviting me over with those texts i got to read so you told me you're anxious and he wrote oh damn man i'm sorry to hear that if you want to come by we can do some dinner or something i just got got out of the pool, smiley face. Could do some calves, like calf workouts. That's champagne. Like cava? He really likes the Spanish champagne. Oh, bland on the roof balcony to close the weekend. Little sunset send off. Side note, I haven't tanned my back at all and it must be so burned.

That honestly sounds amazing. Still here, but we were planning on going to dinner at some point if you wanted to come. But haha, you do have a solid tan. Dude, burnt back is the absolute worst. Up there with shoulders and top of feet. If there, you're good. Who's my friend? Okay. If there, you're good. Who's my friend. Okay. If there you're good to wink face, but yeah, let me know. I'm either doing burgers on the grill here or I'll do din din with y'all. So that's pretty much it. So pretty much what he's asking me is who sent the picture of his thighs.

That was him. That was another text he had sent me. Like, I feel like, do you send that to your friends? It's a lot of thought. I don't have a lot of water there. It's definitely a quad pic. It was more the winky face for me than anything. See, no, I don't know. You send your guy friends winky faces?

No, you don't. No, I don't. You don't. But I guess my gay friends, you don't. No, I don't. You don't. But I guess I might. My gay friends? I don't know. So let me just open everyone's horizon to a Reddit story I read recently. It's called I Fell In Love With My Gym Bro. Okay. And it's coming from a guy who was previously straight, thought he was straight, never questioned anything, and started noticing this guy at the gym that he thought was super cute.

Guy told him he was gay and they were workout buddies, platonic friends for six months. He broke up with his girlfriend and all of a sudden he started to notice that his gym bro was really, really cute and realized I might not be as straight as I thought I was and asked the gym bro out and the rest was history. They're in love now. They're going on dates. And the guy, the gym bro was like, yeah, I noticed, you know, there was something going on, even though, you know, you previously identified as straight because you can only check out my butt so many times at the gym before it starts to get a little, okay, maybe you're into me. So my hopeless romantic self is like maybe he's bi maybe just sexuality is more fluid for him because for a lot of people it is and being like hey i'm bi by the way like i feel like that's not an opening thing when you're just making friends so my i'm like maybe he is into you too i i mean

i don't think we're gonna be able to figure out no he's his interest level but't think we're going to be able to figure out his interest level. But I think we all agree that you might as well just shoot your shot. Yeah. Yeah. Again, and I can only put myself in my shoes, right? If one of my friends made a move on me, I would just say, hey, I would in the nicest possible way just say, I love you as a friend. And I'd probably just keep it at that. And if he pressed me, I would just say, well, I'm straight, but I think you're great. And I would reject him like I would a woman, in a sense, right?

So all you're just is facing rejection. And his comfort level, it would just shock me that's what would shock me that this person would reject you in a way that would be toxic or you know what i'm saying like yeah that's a really good point you know like like all of a sudden become like homophobic or something like that, you know, that would seem surprising. Is it one that you sent a picture of you and two friends? Is he one? Oh, uh, yes, he's on the right. And so the reason I sent that picture was because that was another time where like, we've been drinking and we, me and my friends went to take a picture and then my other friend got up, but

like, he stayed there with like his arm around me, which was like oh I'm I'm not leaving this couch but then and so then he can kind of give me a few like armpit tickles and so like he's done very like yeah you don't armpit tickle someone you're not into this is I've never armpit tickled anyone so I mean I don't yeah I don't know like he was smiling and sometimes I'm like I'll be around him it'll be very platonic. And then there's other times like that where I feel like I'm reading his eyes and it's like, we both know what this is. And maybe he's just like, maybe you're the first person that he's really been attracted to and this is like new territory for him. So I'd grab one of these bottle of Cava, whatever it is, and pool by the sunset and just be like hey i don't know if i'm reading this wrong but i'm into you if there's any mutual feelings and you want to try this let's do it

if not no hard feelings i was reading it totally wrong no let's forget i ever said it saying like i if i'm out of left yeah i'm sorry or whatever yeah but you you guys look like a cute couple i know it's i'm just looking at this picture and if you would have sent me this picture i would have been like oh that's a couple that's what our chemistry genuinely feels like like the front on the left him and i have a lot of the same stuff in common but the energy is just so different one of the left's been my best friend for years. So I just, yeah, I totally agree with you guys. I mean, we're kind of building up to this trip. Like we're going in a month. I feel like-

You're traveling together? Yes. Like he's coming with me and my friends. Figure it out before then. You think before? Oh, no. Yes. No.

Yes. Do it on the trip because- On the- No. Oh my God. Or at like the last day. No. I'm on the trip.

The very last day. You want to do it on the trip i think so yes but you're leaving at the end of the summer wouldn't you rather know and if it is a yes have a full summer and have a great trip with him and if it's not just be able to like settle into the new normal and maybe even find someone new to have a fun summer with like we are kind of on a ticking timetable i don't know what that was but i know i know we're all excited about this potential like romance let's think pragmatically yeah is this trip booked yes as you've spent some it's in two weeks yeah so like i mean uh either the last

day of the trip or after i'm just saying forget about whether you know the the either gay or straight element like just let's like say two platonic friends guy girl like you're getting rejected as weird and awkward regardless yes so yes you know that's something you want to take into account you know like he he might be really cool and like respectful about it but also it could change the dynamic of an otherwise really fun trip if you did it before potentially well it just depends on if you do it before there's always the risk that it could affect the trip it's just well i mean that's just a fact you do it after there's a chance it could affect the trip he's gonna be miss he's gonna be interpreting every single thing that happens on this trip

maybe this guy's waiting for the trip to make his move that's also possible and he's they're hanging out all the time anyways like i think he yeah i don't i think you you would be able to like still enjoy his company regardless if this is not addressed before that right yeah i think my biggest insecurity is just like being the stereotypical like gay friend that like crushes or is trying to date his straight friends does that make sense and like yeah but he's being the stereotypical straight friend who's like flirting with his with his you know and i totally and i totally get that like because like, I don't know. I had, like, when I was, like, first, like, being like, oh, yeah, like, I'm bi, like, to my friends and whatnot.

Like, I was, I had weird anxieties that, like, lifelong friends who I know there's never been anything other than, like, purely platonic vibes with. I'm like, what if they think I have a crush on them? And, like, I totally get, like, that there is kind of that pressure. With that being said, it's, like, don't gaslight yourself on their behalf you know what I mean like don't let them think that you were doing anything inappropriate or you were like like pushing them like you know what's happening like you're reading the vibe like validate your own reality validate the fact that you can pick up on things and that like if they want to be like super defensive and reactive and like go in that

direction like that's just like kind of shitty on them and it's not your yeah and you even said you said you know you and the other friend in the group have a lot in common but that's not the vibe it's not the energy you're not going around wanting all of them like you're making a very conscious decision you're reading the room this is for a reason there's a big difference between like this situation you're in and and just being someone who's like i can convert anyone or just like you know um but yeah i mean who really knows he could just be someone who's really comfortable with himself and maybe he finds himself flirting with you because he knows you're gay and he's just like everyone likes a compliment

and and maybe he doesn't realize he's leading you on that's entirely possible like even the armpit tickle does he tickle anyone else's armpits no there are three of them and then we were in the elevator too he's like pressing i was kind of in the corner of the elevator and he's like pressing up against me. He like smiled at me. Yeah. I feel like those are very – They're clear signs, I would say. Yeah, because like that's big different than saying, oh, you look nice in those pants. Yeah.

Just because you're complimenting your friend. He's going out of his way to like physically interact with you. Yeah. So I would say – So those are the positives. But then some of the other stuff I've gotten is like we,

like we'll genuinely we'll run together and like I feel like there's a lot of times where I've been in his apartment where like he's, actually one time he invited me over.

We go on the balcony, drink champagne. He takes me to his brother's 30th birthday. But then at the end of the night he like goes to shake my hand. So it's like some of

those where it's like very confusing to me in a sense around was it around his brother though no just me and him maybe he is just seriously confused well that's the thing i mean if if he is into you we're also talking about a guy who hasn't maybe come out yet. So it might be something he's struggling with. So it wouldn't be shocking if his behavior was confusing or one way one time, another way another time. Also, he gave you an armpit tickle and cornered you in an elevator and you didn't do anything about it. He could be in his head being like, well, fuck. He's rejecting me.

He's not in. Oh, no, no, no. I match his energy. Don't worry about that. You tickle right back. I think you shoot your shot for sure. When I think you're just going to have to decide what you think is the most comfortable with. I would wait until the last day of the trip. I'm in favor of going on the trip, not doing it before,

maybe trying to make a subtle move or just try to see if there's a moment. Don't force it too much, but just feel it out. And depending how the trip goes, after the trip, if it goes really well, then I think you do exactly what morgan said we just say can i just be honest with you and i'm sorry if i got this wrong and and if and if you don't feel this way it's totally fine our friendship means a lot to me regardless but i i just gotta say it and and ask and um see what he. I actually really like that because it doesn't ruin the trip,

but then also I am going for it too. So I'm not just kind of letting this go away. I mean, Ali's idea of doing it before the trip, if he says yes, then amazing because then all of a sudden this trip is a completely different trip. You're packing it differently for that trip. This is the best trip of my life.

But also something could happen on the trip too because that happened with me and a guy that I dated over summer once and it happened over the

4th of July and it was very like magical of like hands brushing and then by the end of the trip we were like sharing a bed

so the safer play is to wait a little bit yeah but you should definitely shoot your shot

I think so too and who knows yeah and I feel like you guys have already echoed the sentiment but like I should feel but you should definitely shoot your shot. I think so too. And who knows? Yeah. And I feel like you guys have already echoed the sentiment, but like, I should feel confident in the fact that even if I go for it and he's not into me, whether it's a sexuality thing or just me in general,

like he's giving me all the signs that I at least like can like have reasoning to go for it. Absolutely. All you are is shooting your shot, but someone you're attracted to. That's it. Like it's not enough i'm i'm i'm pretty flattered if a gay guy hit on me i mean like i'm not in the it's like you know not everyone flattered to be everyone feels that way but like at this

at this day and age like go for who you're into be respectful like when you hit on someone and when you shoot your shot you have to reckon everyone i don't care what your sexuality is or if you're a guy or a girl you have to recognize that they might not be into you they don't owe you anything you know they don't really yeah other than your consideration you know but like so they can reject you and as long as everyone's respectful then like go for what you want i'm on the same page yeah i love this plan will you keep us updated yeah we're gonna have to keep me updated two weeks i'll set a reminder yeah and i mean he's awesome too like my friends all absolutely

love him like we get we're just have so much in common so like i really want it to work and again if he if he is i'm guessing there's a probably a lot of confusion or questions he has so like yeah not that i'm an expert into this but at all but just you know try not to over read it you know be patient i guess is what i'm no for sure and i think when it comes to the sexuality part that's something i've almost removed from it because like you can never really tell like what some sexuality is, whether it's one person or multiple people that are attracted to you. So like, so my friends have asked me like what his sexuality is,

but I'm like, I have no idea. Like, I'm not going to speculate on it. I just know like what our relationship is. Exactly. Well, good luck.

Thank you guys so much. Let us know. We're trying to find out. Fingers crossed over here. All right. And like I said, you guys are a cute couple. Really cute couple.

I know. I love this. Seems like a fit. All right. Take care. Awesome. Thanks, guys. Bye.

How's it going? Hey, how's it going? Good. I'm Richard. I am 27 years old. And this is something I think is probably relatable to a lot of people in terms of just like, how do I move on from like just the crazy dating app days? Or how do I like mentally reconfigure myself to actually be ready for, you know, something with

one person? So I can like provide background to like why i'm struggling with that so um i moved so i'm 27 like i said graduated like a post-grad year and then moved to a brand new city none of my family here i didn't know anyone here when i was 23. um i dated someone for two and a half years including living with them for I dated someone for two and a half years, including living with them for the end portion of that right after moving here and ended that relationship. I realized how startlingly little that I had going on in my new city, basically outside of that relationship. I had two friends pretty much that I had made over those years. So now I have, uh, since then I've adopted two cats. I've made a lot of new friends. I've done like my whole like single guy phase,

got into like the nail painting, like growing out my hair and like stuff like that. It's really like I've never done dating apps or anything like that. Uh, cause I dated through college, dated one person in college, dated my high school girlfriend through high school. So I knew how to be a boyfriend, did not really know how to date, signed up for Hinge, went on more like kind of deeper on into a couple of exploring things with a few people and like got to the same you know that dreaded like 1.5 month time where it's like where is this going like what's happening you know what i mean

uh and i just i'm was with people that i know are like objectively great and you know have a lot of things going for them but i was just not i'm not in a position where um where i feel like i'm actually mentally in the right headspace to engage with one person, even though I want to be, basically. What do you mean by not in the right headspace? I feel very... I've been reading about attachment styles and stuff, and I feel very anxious attachment if I am really turning towards one person specifically versus if I'm just like

going you know just playing the field or whatever you want to call it I think nowadays in general we get used to these all these options and you like you said you're you you were this relationship guy in high school or college whatever your early your early 20s, and then all of a sudden you get to date. And I think just, again, it's that Netflix analogy. When you're told you have all these options, the desire to find perfection, I think, increases. And the fear of missing out on something else increases. out on something else increases because you're just like, well, I, you know, there's just, I must be able to find the perfect person because like I have access to everyone. And I think that creates a level of anxiety around like, well, is this, is this like what

I should take myself off the market for? take myself off the market for. And I think a lot of people make that mistake of when they have this defined the relationship conversation that they're supposed to know if this person is their person at this point. And I just don't think that's very realistic. And so maybe that's why you feel like it's this dreaded one month and a half or five week conversation because you're probably thinking, well, they're nice and I like them and like this and like that. But like, I don't know, I'm just not head over heels or I'm not feeling that. And it's like, it's good. But like, you'd like open up the apps and you start like oh she's cute oh what it could be could be doing oh yeah like i'm so i what i'm trying to do is like drop the

physical thing like because i know what i like care about long term is not like if she's like six foot one you know what i mean like and but still i've I think that I've only met like three people online for example that I felt like I would date them seriously but I knew within the first five minutes each time and I like that's not how I want to be like that's not how like I don't like I don't understand how uh when I'm a little too hard on yourself. Yeah. What's wrong with that? If you know, and you know, and it feels right, like what's wrong with that? I think, I think you're, you're lacking a little balance. Right.

Cause you can meet someone and within the first five minutes, feel that whatever excitement you're describing, describing in this, and this awareness of, I know I'm into this person. I know I want to like them. I know that like, you know, I'm probably going to give them benefit of the doubt and still the awareness that you don't really know them and you still have to vet them out and you just, you know, and, or you can meet someone where you don't necessarily feel that initial excitement and still also be willing to get them to get to know them and then develop a deeper connection. It doesn't have to be one or the other. And there's nothing wrong with being physically

attracted to someone and being a little bit more excited about that person because, yeah, we don't want to settle too. You do want to find someone you're very physically attracted to with the awareness that like looks fade and that you are looking for something much deeper than just a physical connection. Yeah, exactly. I would say like, don't get caught up on like the stereotypical dating to do's or how to date.

Like every relationship, every person is going to be so different for you. And like, I was with people for years that I hated. It was kind of that situation. I'm like, they look good. They're funny. But wow, they're a bad person. And then my boyfriend now, who I've been with for three and a half years, I was not really attracted to him at first. His legs were smaller than mine. I usually date hockey guys with big asses and this is not my typical guy. Meanwhile, he walked out of the first date and told his friends, get the wedding invites ready. This is the one. And so it's like, you can be all over and two people might not even connect after a first date. So just enjoy the process and give people more chances and see how it develops. I'm reading here. Is this situation

with this, this girl you wrote in about still going on? Yes. Yeah, it is. Yeah. So like, I mean, we, yeah, it's definitely something that, uh, that I can talk about. Um, she is someone that I met like about like 14 months ago. My relationship started uh beginning of june and went through september okay so i met her like april of last year went out for like a month or a month and a half and at that time um i was gonna like provide like we live in a midwest city definitely with like a definitely i went to school on the east coast so like I'm used to people waiting till really long like you know that whole like coastal mindset but it's definitely like much different and much younger uh here um but so uh I kind of go in with probably too much of a sense of like

the good ones are going to be gone like if I wait you know or like something like that but anyway um so I date her really get to know her for like a month and a half to the point where i'm confident that i want to date her like i want her to like be my girlfriend i want to be exclusive we had had the exclusive talk like before uh and so she's talking about bringing me on a trip and meeting mom and i'm like cool uh as part of that conversation i I'm like, so like, does that mean that I'm your boyfriend or like, am I on track to be your boyfriend or whatever? It was like, no, uh, like not ready yet. Um, and so that like freaked me out and I went on a date

with someone else. And then that's, I ended up dating that person uh for the entire summer the person that i went on the other date with so her wanting to introduce you to her parents but not wanting to be your girlfriend like you did that it made me doubt her intentions and like i know her now as a friend like even like as like a best friend even and like we've talked about it since then and like she was afraid of her bad judgment in the past uh and that's why i think that was like the final step for her is to like see with those people and i want to believe that uh if she would have communicated that at the time i would have been like oh sure like you know that, you know, that makes sense. That's that's logical. Like, let's do the trip and let's see your mom. But it may have not.

Like, I was much less experienced dating when I met her. And I was, you know, I was probably not ready for a relationship at the time, even though I wanted to be anyway. Yeah. Weirdly enough, I just I people are have these weird rules about what it means to meet parents that they put a lot more pressure very drastically from person to person and um yeah i mean we're we're living in this time with where people are you know i yeah i like more you said six months now i did it for like nine months and I said no to Nellie at first.

And like, you know, and, and in both those situations, whether you're Morgan's boyfriend or my girlfriend, Natalie, both of them could have decided to like, say,

I didn't, you know, enough's enough. And at one point now he was like, well, I'm no, I'm going to start giving you less. And that, that changed how I approached it but yeah i think it's better to say i'm not ready

and then you deciding okay well i might not be ready for this then as a result that's okay but like it's never great to like to drastically just be like well then i can't see yeah anymore or yeah i know yeah exactly that was it sounds like you recognize that that now but i think part of dating especially in our 20s is kind of re like relearning things that we thought we should do whether it's because we learned it from our parents or we learned it from TV shows or movies, you know, of or our friends of all the things like these. Like, you know, you go on TikTok and everyone's talking about red flags and some of them are obvious and some of them are like trivial and weird and don't make any sense, you know. And one person's red flag might not be a red flag for someone else. And one person's red flag might not be a red flag for someone else. So I think we always have to be careful about overthinking about what it means for someone to say, I'm not ready.

As long as there's a progression. And again, you can slow things down too. But reacting as you did, it sounds like you realized that. That was my original question is how can i like reboot this and make her feel trust in me but i like it's not as that's not what the situation is i think the situation is both of us are in like a time where we like you know we should be friends and like continue to but are you guys are hooking up yeah yeah okay then you're not friends you're friendly do you want to date her like i know you say like we're not right timing whatever but do you want to date her and i've never had the connection where i actually

knew someone before i like became involved with them romantically i think you need to shoot your shot yeah and i think it goes something like this i mean you're friendly with her you're friends became involved with them romantically. I think you need to shoot your shot. Yeah. And I think it goes something like this. I mean, you're friendly with her, your friends with her. You're also hooking up. And I think at the right time,

you just say, I don't know if this is a surprise to you or some version of like, but I, I think you are great. I like you. And I know we have a past and I'm not even asking you to decide right now, but I just want to put it out there that I'd like to try to make this work with you or I, you know, and, and give her space and time that you didn't give her in the past to like,

suss it out. And, and don't like, even I would have, I would have some sort of time laying your mind. Like, I don't think she gets like a six months to decide, but like a couple of weeks, a few weeks, maybe in a month, maybe even like a trial run, you know, like you're going to be, but after a couple months you might be like, all right. And you might even say like, listen, first get a reaction. And if she's just like, well, what about last time? And I don't know. And you just say, well, listen, I think what we have is great. I don't want to lose what we have. And I'd love to just try with you, whatever that means.

We don't have to put a label on it right now. But I'd love to just like, I don't think of you as a friend. I'm like, we're having sex. We're hooking up. And I'm not asking, again, for an answer right now. I'm not asking for you to call me your boyfriend. But I'd love to start seeing each other that way mutually and seeing if it turns into something. And then check in in a couple months and see where it goes. And you'll have to decide how much time you want to give it. But it sounds like you care about this person. She's not your pal.

Yeah. Well, also, you look at this past situation like, oh, I made a mistake. But honestly, if you would have pursued her, maybe you wouldn't even have these feelings. So I think this whole course of action, it was a great learning experience for you. You got a chance to develop a friendship with someone and get a more intimate relationship with them prior to actually now dating, dating. So this all could have worked out the way it was supposed to. I think you set the boundary of if you want to date her, then you cut off the physical element and you don't do it as a punishment. You just say, I don't know if you've noticed, and maybe she is pulling away and you're afraid of the rejection, but you just, you just say, I like you and I want to explore this.

And I don't want you to be a hookup buddy. Either we're just going to be friends or, or not. But like, I personally would rather, I want to try to like, I want to try. And like I just said, and see what she says. And if she says, well, I don't want to do that, then, then stop sleeping with her. Yeah. And I think until you have that conversation, she probably will be wishy-washy and go back and forth because of the past. Like I would be apprehensive in her situation. So until you have that and you really set a solid boundary and really say how you're feeling you might get the wishy-washy flakiness and she might be super unsure because it sounds like you've you

haven't fully put yourself out there you kind of like make these kind of suggestions or but it's not real it's not like a sit down this is how i feel i want to give us a real shot that's the problem like everyone's out there hedging their bet with these passive aggressive moves or these innuendos because they don't want the other person to reject them. So everyone's just expecting, and that would, fuck, that would make me anxious. Everyone's reading books about attachment styles and be like, I don't really know. There's a lot out there. Every once in a while, you just need to sincerely say, I care about you. I want to try.

I'm willing to get hurt here. I'm willing to wait around for you a little bit. Not forever, but I'm willing to just let you know that I'm serious about this. Also, I don't want to just keep casually hooking up, setting some boundaries, and then seeing how they respond, knowing that part of that response could mean rejection and just going for it. But like, we're just confusing the shit out of everyone by like, just kind of like dipping a toe in the water and seeing if the other person knows we want to get totally wet, you know? Well, so many people play the game of who's going to care less because therefore I'm less likely to get hurt. And like the reality is dating, like you could

get hurt, but you also could strike dating, like you could get hurt, but you also could strike gold and have the greatest relationship ever. So you gotta go for it. I mean, like it just feels like different than before. And like, I don't know that that means that it's supposed to, like, I don't know that that means

that it's going to work, but like I know that the way that it felt before didn't end up working. It's not what it was before. You guys know each other that much more now you have a history now things are are a little complicated it won't be this clean i just met you we fell in love situation it is it's not that anymore so like get that out of your head and it is like to morgan's point it is probably confusing her it's confusing to you too. But all we know is that like you care about her, you are sleeping with her and this will only get messy in its current state.

So you just have to like shoot a shot, take a risk and see if it can turn into something. We're not guaranteeing you it is. It might not, but we are guaranteeing you that like what you're doing isn't going to get you what you want. That's that's for certain. Yeah. You're just going to confuse yourself even more. Yeah. Someone someone's going to get hurt in its current state. I'm confident about that. And if it doesn't work out, I think, you know, again, you're still young. Just maybe not have so much of a roster, you know, like.

Yeah. This is I mean, most of my friends are girls and this is what this is definitely what they they always yeah and you can date someone that you're kind of into for a couple months and i i'm i was guilt i was as guilty as anyone where it's just like this fear of like well taking myself off the market part of the reason why i was like when i finally decided to date my girlfriend, because I had all these reasons why I don't think it was going to work out. I had my insecurities and I was like,

I've been single for the better part of eight years. I might as well like, and nothing, I could have dated five people and had like four one-year relationships and I would be in the same spot as I am now. So like, I might as well just go for it and try and see if I can build something. And you can always end it. You can always break up, you know? So yeah, I definitely think people are, and I've said this before, but they're, they're watching too many previews on

Netflix trying to find the perfect movie. Yeah. Sometimes you just have to watch it and see if it's what you like. Yeah, I hear you. I think other than this, like what, like how do I adjust the mindset of like getting attention from so many, like how can I, like I know it's just a matter of time, but I feel like I cut everything off and then that happened. And now I'm just like in this vacuum where those times where she's being like pushing me away, sort of, I just feel like insecure, I guess. It's being consistent. You have to not respond to her being how she is because that's what your ego is getting activated. So like you, you make a move, she pulls back, then your ego's like, oh, don't put yourself out there.

So you act cool and you act distant and you act confusing. You need to like be consistent and clear with your intentions. And no matter what she says or does, you're just like, I still like you. I'm still here. I still want you. I'm going to be vulnerable. I'm going to take this risk. And that's key.

Like that, like drop the mic, end it now. Because that follow through is what's probably going to shift her mindset. Because I think I was in her shoes and I said, no, I didn't want to date you. But I, you know, with my own issues and maybe she's in the same boat with fear of abandonment and things like that, I needed to be a little standoffish at first. And I needed that, you know, my boyfriend to prove he's going to stick around. A little pushback isn't going to scare him off. He thinks I'm the one. He thinks I'm worth it. And so maybe that's what she needs, like the consistency and the follow through. Well, that is how I feel. So

I just need to, I'm, it's clear that I need to communicate it and do it in a way that's like not too much all at once and like just finding that middle ground i guess yeah you don't have to be like i love you on a merry year you're just like yeah i like you i want to pursue this i think we have something here and i want to try and i want to show you that I'm willing to try. And regardless of her reaction, just stay consistent. Don't back off to say, and if she's like, I don't feel the same way you do, you just say, well, I'm sorry to hear that. But if you change your mind, that's how I really feel. And I don't think we should keep hooking up, but I'm happy to be your friend and I want

to be friends with you and I care about you and set some boundaries and see if she responds. All right? I can do that. All right. Good luck. All right. Thank you guys.

Thank you so much. Take care. Morgan. Amazing time. Thanks for coming. Thank you for having me. Please continue to let our audience know where they can find you.

Yeah. Where they can listen to your show. Yeah, so the show is called Two Hot Takes. You can find it on all the podcasting apps as well as YouTube.

If you like this show, you'll like Two Hot Takes. Yeah, yeah, we read Reddit stories and kind of give the same thing. We give our advice, our takes on it

and things like that. It's a wild ride just like this was. Awesome. Thanks for having me. guys, thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknick at castmedia.com cast with a K a wild ride just like this was awesome thanks for having me guys thanks for for listening don't

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