The Viall Files - E439 Ask Nick - Help My Ex-Husband Start Dating

Episode Date: June 27, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! In this episode we bring on more callers to help them with their questions about the dating world and relationships in general. Our first caller brings on her ex-husband with the hopes that Nick can help give advice so that her ex can get laid. Now, Nick helps this man re-enter the dating world and helps the ex-couple talk about what they will do to explain to their new partners that their best friend is their ex. Our next caller poses the question of if you can be cheated on in a situationship where boundaries have not been defined. Now she must learn how to not give into her boredom and waste her time on a guy that thinks the term “situationship” sounds like a cool thing. Our last caller struggles with her relationship with her overprotective mother after getting new visible arm tattoos. Now, our caller wonders how to live her life on her terms and learn that your parents will always love you even if they don’t like you. “A pet peeve for everyone is someone else telling them who they are.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Noom: Sign up for your trial at http://www.Noom.com/VIALL  Babbel: Right now, save up to 60% off your subscription when you go to http://www.Babbel.com/viall Article: Go to http://www.Article.com/Viall to get $50 off your first purchase of $110 or more. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting Monday and another amazing episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition I I'm your host, Nick, joined by Amanda. How are you, Allie? Still locked away. She's Rapunzel-ing it. Yeah. Just waiting for it. A huge Rapunzel girl. Yeah. Do you actually identify with that as your Disney princess? Maybe, because I feel like Tangled showed a different side of her. She's like a little spunkier than a normal. Is that Rapunzel Tangled? Yeah. It's like a play with the hair, Tangled showed a different side of her. She's like a little spunkier than a normal. Is that Rapunzel Tangled? Yeah. It's like a play with the hair Tangled.

Okay. Yeah. So maybe. Checks out. Okay. Sorry. I'm not caught up on the latest Disney animated film features. Just wait till you have kids.

You'll be so. When I was like babysitting constantly, I was like on it with children's media. Yeah. No. I knew all the hits yeah so you would go your Disney princess is Rapunzel probably I feel like I used to say Belle but that was only because my sister said Belle and I don't think I'm a Belle honestly I don't identify as one like what are the characteristics of of your Disney princess that we need details I feel like Belle was so I I mean, she's like a bookworm. She's so kind. She like took the place of her dad.

She's very selfless. That is my sister. And I think Tangled is like adventurous, fun, hit someone with a frying pan. That's me. Belle kind. Allie hits someone with a frying pan. Great. Allie's someone with a frying pan great

Allie spicy dynamic loose cannon who's your Disney princess I think this is like it feels arrogant to say

to compare myself to her it's a Disney princess right off the bat I think very highly of her but I feel like Mulan is my favorite why is that

she's a fighter she's a fighter what do you like about Mulan I think I like that she's stubborn I like that I think the fact that she would do like anything for her dad slash family very relatable close relationship with her grandma also me um and just like going undercover i could i like going undercover okay and like fighting like and like being like i'm gonna take this into my own hands.

All right. Do I pick a Disney princess or a prince? I think your choice. You can be either. Are there many Disney princes? The first one that comes to mind is the Beast. You know, like you might think he's like rough around the edges, maybe a little grumpy, salty, but behind that fur and hostile energy, I'm not even hostile. There's someone who's down to love.

Yeah. I feel like you see the beast in a suit and you're like, look at this earnest person trying hard. All right. Okay. Wait. So I have a question for people because first context i during my year off i was just in australia didn't know anyone so like my improv team was like my core group of people um i one of my friends he'll never listen to this one of my friends i had like the biggest biggest crush on him and it was like nothing was ever going to happen because like he was 23 and I was 18 and like or 19. And then he had a long distance girlfriend, which is the more significant thing. So it was like it was just like never going to happen.

Although looking back, I'm like, I would not want my boyfriend to like we just like played pool at bars most nights and then like stood up. He would like walk me to the bus stop and we'd just have deep conversations in the streetlights. Why do you have to mock the fact that you probably had deep conversations? Because it wasn't valiant deep conversations. At the time? At the time. In your life, it felt like you were digging below the surface.

Sure. And he was like a truly an amazing friend. You know when someone's like an amazing friend and then you have like the crush on top of it? I mean, one thing if you are like, we went to the bus stop and honestly, we're having conversations about changing the world. Then I'd roll my eyes. Yeah. I was sort of like, I think I'm the voice of my generation. And he said, wow, I've always thought of myself

as Mother Teresa. So that was that situation. He did break up with his girlfriend the last week I was there. And it was something that was so close to happening, but it never happened. Never happened.

So bada bing, bada boom. Cut to one of our other friends from the improv group gets married a few years ago in Italy. It's this awesome destination wedding. We all fly in to see him and his wife is, him and his wife are amazing. And I was going with my, my ex now, boyfriend at the time. And I thought he was going with his girlfriend, but then it turns out he'd broken up with his girlfriend. Before I'd even known that about him breaking up with his girlfriend i told my ex like

i felt the need to disclose just because i felt like it was shady to omit like and i ultimately did not disclose what i was just like hey just so you know like i used to kind of have a crush on my friend matt like was this person were you dating the person at the time or not like my ex yes you were at the time so this is my boyfriend they were your boyfriend okay and i was like i just felt it felt shitty to to not say anything and kind of like i i just like wanted to err on the side of like being honest i don't know if that was a good idea because i think it kind of like he reacted kind of poorly to it um and then we show up at the wedding i thought matt would be there with his girlfriend he's there single and i think he was being like i would say like ever so slightly

antagonistic you know like there are some arm touches that were like not inappropriate or terrible but like a little bit antagonistic towards my ex at the time it's a tough one like do you have to disclose former crushes because i don't have active feelings for him anymore like if we were both single would i be curious a hundred percent but am i like like i'm not actively it's a tough one i we recently i had i experienced something this recently i didn't necessarily it didn't go bad I essentially felt compelled to disclose to Natalie because I don't want to give too much away, but a person's name came up that she had crossed paths with indirectly. And like, I'm a big honesty guy and I want like, you know, I just want to just like, I want to disclose things about my past that, you know, seem relevant.

Right. So like when you start dating someone, like it's not like we didn't go through and be like, tell me everyone you dated or everyone you hooked up with. Like, I'm not doing that. Like we don't, I don't know. But it came up where I was like, they brought up this person's name. And so I felt was like, well,

do I say like, I basically wanted to say like, Hey, I had a thing with this person. We had a fling. There was a, for a moment in time, we were involved kind of,

you know, and then it ended. And like, that was years ago. And like, it's nothing relevant. It's not relevant. But it's that thing of like, that was years ago. And like, it's nothing relevant. It's not relevant, but it's that thing of, but it was a, it was like it, it, you know, because from, from her perspective, it was like, well, what are you telling me? And why?

I mean, like, fuck you. Okay. Yeah. Like she didn't get mad, but like, it's in it. It's, I think it's unclear of whether it's necessary or relevant because I think the fear is that you so like let's say you're like okay it's not relevant I no longer have feelings for this person and like they come up in conversation a few times and then at some point it does become relevant of like and then you don't want it to be like wait you never told me that about them exactly because at the time this person was like someone like she knew I knew of, but she just kind of brought them up in conversation. And I felt like when she talked about them, I was like not sharing something because I know that I knew that person very well at a period of time. Like, I don't know anything about them now kind of thing. It's been years. like I don't know anything about them now kind of thing it's been years like I don't know if there's a right or wrong I definitely don't think there's a clear answer I think it's case by case I guess my answer is like I'm just a huge advocate of like open honesty and trust and be able to like

work through these things and I think this is one of those cases like with I don't regret telling Natalie like it didn't cause a conflict. It caused an awkward conversation of like, why are you telling me this? And, and she'll, so she was trying to probably determine like, why, like literally, why are you telling me this? Is this relevant? Do I need, like, why did you feel the need? And I had to like say, well, I just wasn't sure if I should. So I did. And I went with like, I chose just more transparency and honesty and I didn't in the past because it like literally wasn't relevant but it never came up now it came up right yeah the ex handled it poorly but there's also a reason why he's your ex totally and I think

especially if you want this person to stay with you or you're gonna like hang out with him i think it's this is an opportunity i think to become closer to your current boyfriend or further apart or not further apart closer or realize that there's a discrepancy in expectations and communication maybe start with asking like just a general topic. Like how much do you like want to know about my past? Like, are you interested in, like if I ever had a crush on someone that interacts with my life?

I mean, it's a bit leading and he's going to ask, but like, I'm just curious. Like how much do you, how much do we trust one another? I mean, at some point you're going to have to have this conversation with your boyfriend because like there's the, there's like, fuck anyone like that's obvious you know no shit but there are definitely like small like subtleties of of like how we interact with uh friends of the opposite sex and what we do with these friends that it's a spectrum of like what is acceptable and what's

not like there's no hard and fast rule like some people are okay with things and some people aren't and like i think the difference is just communicating and expectations and i think this is one of those gray areas where not knowing the answer I think to me says some conversation is probably necessary because you have always prided yourself on being friends with the opposite sex of people you used to be friends with and you value those relationships. And then you have, you don't have an answer about what your expectations of your current boyfriend are when it relates to any type of guy from your past. And I think getting clarity would be, you know, helpful for you.

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current boyfriend and say hey like i want to have a conversation with you this is overall about like expectations around like our friendships with other genders like here's a situation there's this person i'm casually friends with we check in from time and in full transparency because i want to just be completely honest with you like way back when I used to have a crush on him. I don't anymore. But like if he came in town, like every couple months we catch up. How do you feel about that? Is that something you're comfortable with or not?

Like make him feel empowered to tell you how he feels and you have to be okay with whatever answer. Now you can say, if he's like, I'm not really comfortable with it, you can ask why. answer now you can say if he's like i'm not really comfortable with it you can ask why yeah and then say like is that because i told you i have a crush on him or or is there a trust thing but like keep those lines of communication like with a bi woman you can't you can't get defensive about friends because it's like that i'll have no one no i know i mean that's a great question i don't know like do you have more grace for your boyfriend if he gets a little insecure about a man from your past than a woman? Or do you expect him to have the same level of insecurity because you're bisexual and

you've dated both men and women? Like, how do you feel about that? I mean, I honestly wouldn't know how to. Yeah. I mean, I think it's like, I would kind of consider it like a microaggression or like just below that. But I would understand why with societal conditioning it would happen. So I think, because I think that's been something with guys I've been seeing like in the past about like there was one guy where there was a conversation about we were exclusive except I was also allowed to hook up with women and this was like very on early on into like coming out and so I I was sort of like this is awesome I get to do

what I want but like all my queer friends were like that's really delegitimizing like yeah we got a good episode folks a. Yeah, a good episode. A couple housekeeping notes. This week, great week. Tomorrow on Freestyle we have Achinga Gutu. Wonderful, funny, hilarious comedian. Talented. You might know her from... Ellen.

Ellen. She's been in a lot of press lately. She's been on the Today Show. We can't wait to talk to her. Also, I believe, a big Bachelor fan. And on Wednesday, going deeper, drumroll, Adrena Patrick from the Hills.

Big interview. Big. Big. Big, big, big. All you Hills fans, some tea. All you Hillies. Hillbillies. Hillies.

The Hillies. So tune in. And next week, by the way, holiday weekend, we're doing the same thing we did for the memorial day weekend uh we're going to push everything a day ask nick on tuesday

freestyle wednesday and going deeper on thursday uh we'll be doing bachelor men bios uh definitely that week during the holidays and we might do uh few of them with Aching Agutu because she's a bachelor fan in freestyle and there's so many bios we might

we might break it up we might break it up I don't know I don't know oh office hours right now right now

if you're listening to this and you have a text you need help drafting I guess for anything but we like this shooting your shots or like honestly you need an online you need like an opener on Hinge.

Maybe you need like a dating app review. Oh, yeah. Of your bio. Yeah. Yeah, we're here to help. Sending those questions at asknickatcastme.com. Cast with a K. And let's get to our callers.

Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hey there, how's it going? Good. My name is Brie, I'm 35. All right, hi Brie. And then who else do we have? You have Bobby and I'm 38.

Bobby and Brie, 35, 38. All right, how can I help? A little bit about Bobby and I. We've been friends for a long time, probably almost 15 years now, but we were also married at one point in time and recently divorced. Recently divorced. Yeah. We were separated back in 2020. And so we've been apart for a couple of years, but recently divorced, but we have maintained our friendship throughout that time. It wasn't always easy, but we've gotten to a good point where we are still good friends. So we're both in this point where we're reentering the dating world. And Bobby and I were having a conversation the other week about somebody that he is seeing right now. And he was just having some questions about this,

I guess you would call it a situationship. And so I actually suggested that I've been listening to Ask Nick for a long time. I'm like, hey, I think that Nick could give you some good advice. I'm not the reason you guys got divorced, am I? No. No, definitely not.

Good. May I ask why? This is obviously a very unique situation. We talk a lot about people's abilities to maintain friendships with exes. And while there's exceptions to every rule, it's not usually recommended. You guys clearly seem to be the exception. I'm just curious, just for my own entertainment, like, why this real quick, we don't need to get into it. But like, why did you guys get divorced? And

why are you a, why is the desire there to remain friends so high? And why do you guys think you've been able to do that? So it's interesting, because I know we were great friends. And we kind of followed the tradition of we're friends. So what's the next step? Go on to the next step. We did the marriage thing. And then we followed that tradition of like the next, the next, the next. And I think our friendship has always been there. And as things kind of changed in the relationship, the friendship never changed. And a lot of people seem super confused as to why you have this great friendship, even though after everything you went through. And it's because the friendship, for me at least, has always been there. Yeah, I would agree with that. That was kind of at the forefront. And I think even through the

hardest times of us separating and walking through our divorce, weirdly enough, we were still able to stand by each other as friends and support each other through it. So I'm super grateful. Is there like a two sentence like summary of like why you guys decided that a marriage between the two of you wasn't the best fit? I mean, I just think we realized we were better as friends. I think in our marriage, I don't, I don't want to necessarily use the word like toxic for each other, but like as like a married couple and like in a partnership like that, we didn't necessarily mesh, but as friends we did. The expectations of a marriage didn't fit, but the expectations of a friendship did. Sounds like. Yeah, I think so. Cool.

Interesting. Perfect. Thanks for sharing. Uh, all right. So Bobby, you're in a situation ship and, and Brie, you are committed to getting him laid. I don't know. All right. Well, it sounds like we need to hear from you, Bobby. Tell me a little bit about this situation that you find yourself in. Sure. So I've been kind of going through the dating scene for the last couple of months and doing the online stuff back and forth, meeting a few people here and there and met someone and started talking to them for a little bit. And we just never really meshed right away. And so we stepped apart and got reconnected. And my biggest disconnect I've always had is like, I'm a two Enneagram and she's an eight and eights are super

business related and twos are just like no care in the world. How do you know what her Enneagram is? Like, so we have talked about it. Um, I asked her about it and she, uh, we took the test, we did everything with it. Um, are you like super into it or is it like something that like you're on a date and then like popped up and you both like decided to take the test it's like business and business all the time versus my laid back personality doesn't seem to mesh as well. But something just keeps drawing me to this person. And I don't know if it's opposites of tracks. But I find myself in kind of frustrating situations where, like, I just want to be able to have

conversations and let loose, but I put a wall up. And I think that allows her then to just put the same wall up and we're just going back and forth. Article. That's right. You know them, you love them. The company that combines the curation of a boutique furniture store with the comfort and simplicity of online shopping. And right now, Article has launched their new line of outdoor products for summer 2022. Think oversized statement loungers, streamlined dining pieces, and easy to style sofas for all your backyard needs. With 42 new pieces, plus a selection of bestsellers from past seasons, Article has what you need to outfit the deck of your dreams this summer. They also have incredible sofas. They have it all. Everything looks great.

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on like 10 to 15 dates or so you've been dating all right and is this the first person you've showed like an interest in pursuing more with on any level yeah yeah this is the first person that i've actually felt like a connection with and wanted to actually talk to them more than just you know the the basic online datings and what's the connection that you feel like describe it it's just that i feel like there's a comfort level there it's not just this like fling there's not just this normal uh you know high of the dating i feel like when we do get together it's it's just fun it's comfortable it's normal but we can't ever seem to have a conversation on the phone or via text message or any other kind of connection that way but when we get together it seems to be

okay how often do you get together uh once or twice a week maybe but it's never anything more than two to three hours a dinner um kind of a short stint and you and you want more but she doesn't seem to be interested in wanting more communication in between when you guys see each other correct but the first time we got together it seemed the to flip flop. And I think when I said, hey, you know, maybe this is moving a little too quick. It seems to now flip flop. Yeah. And that's what it seemed like. We were talking about all kinds of different things that I wasn't ready and prepared for.

Marriage, babies, you know, everything that comes along. How old is she? She's 39. Okay. So we're both at the age. She hasn't been married before. She doesn't have kids. So we're both at the age. She hasn't been married before. She doesn't have kids. So it's definitely a timeframe thing.

Have either of you tried to define anything in terms of, hey, we're going to not see other people, not hook up with other people, anything around expectations and parameters? I did. I tried to say, what's the definition of what we are? What would you consider this? Are we going? And she said, you can define it however you want and left it at that. And that just, for me, again, made it super wouldn't see other people. Did you say that to her? I did. I explained that to her and she just was,

uh, agreeable and said, okay, but never put any sort of input behind that. Okay. That's not necessarily a bad thing. How long have you been dating for? Like a couple of months,

a couple of months. Yeah, correct. So it's been a couple of months now, three, three, three months or so, um,

total that we've been really just talking a lot more and staying more active so to summarize you've been dating this person for a few months you're having a nice time with her you guys got some different enneagrams so like you're you're concerned about some compatibility issues but who knows you only been dating for a few months but you have a desire to learn more about her. You're interested in getting to know this person more. But when it comes to how much you hang out, you would like to have both of you invest more time in getting to know each other while you're not physically in each other's presence, whether that's via text or FaceTime dates or a phone call, et cetera, et cetera. You want to speed this up, so to speak. It's not necessarily speed it up, but as a two, I thrive with people around me. So I wanted to introduce her to all my friends and she's like, I'm not ready for that. And then she's not ready

for me to meet any of her friends or family. So it has to be always the one-on-one situation too and as a two i want that entertainment all right sorry so you you want to enter you you've you've tried to assimilate her into your life and vice versa and she's pushed back on that and did you and other than saying she's not ready yet have you asked you know like why that is or for any additional information other than she's just not ready yet no i haven't i haven't really i didn't want to push any sort of boundaries there and make her feel uncomfortable so i just kind of went with the flow and said you know hey brie what's the deal here maybe you can give me some insight as to how to help me and that's why she pushed me

in your direction gotcha well i mean listen, I think it's still early and we were recently actually talking about this on a different episode. It's ironic. You're the guy in the situation, but like a lot of times people who call in happen to be women and there's a frustration when they're like, he's a bad texter. And I i've we've learned that a lot of times in early dating situations one person like has this expectation of like well i'm really excited about this person so i want to get to know them more and because text and technology has become what it is we just assume giving this like incredible access we have to everyone now right via text to like at any moment we can just text them and they can be at work and And, you know, it's not, you know, like 20 years ago, the idea of just like

calling someone at, at work would be like insane because it'd be like, I'm at work and you can't just like stop what you're doing, you know, regardless of what you or your job is. But now we can send anyone a text at any time in any given moment. And there's an expectation that they're going to respond, especially if we like this person, if we're excited about this person and we, we hear all these things. Well, if they're excited about us, they'll respond right away. And then we get in our heads about like, well, they didn't respond right away, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. You know, I'm just here to say it's okay early on for someone in a relationship

to say, I'm better in person. I prefer getting to know someone in a face-to-face situation. Like, I mean, we can text, but like, I don't want to be on the clock. I don't want to, you know, I'm busy during the day, work is a priority. Also like, unless we have like, unless you're playing like a specific game, like, Hey, let's play this or that, you know, like a fun little silly game. There's an objective, like, do you like pancakes or waffles? And then it's like a fun, silly way to get to know some of these little things about someone you're dating. But like having like ongoing conversations for some people is just a little stressful, you know? And I think nowadays we are assuming that everyone should want and can text as much as someone else in an early dating

situation where two people should be excited. And I think it's okay for her not to necessarily want to do that. And I think it's okay for you not to think that necessarily means that she isn't excited or interested in you as well. It just might be a different communication style that you two have. It just made things a different communication style that you two have. Just made things super confusing for me because for the first couple of dates, I felt like it was the complete opposite. I was the one stepping back saying, whoa, pump the brakes. And then now that I stepped away, it's flip-flop the opposite way. And I'm wondering if that's- I wouldn't read too much into that because like you said, it was the first couple of dates. So

much can change. Maybe she was getting ahead of herself in the first couple of days. Maybe she got really excited in the first couple of dates. And then you rightfully said, Hey, I'm just going a little fast for me. And then maybe that was like, she was like, Oh yeah, you're right. That's that I am getting ahead of myself. Maybe she has a habit of doing that in past relationships. Maybe she's been called out by other partners for doing that. And maybe she's a little guarded and

defensive. And now she's like, I mean, we really don't know. We could sit here and guess a million options because it's so early on. So if I were you, I would just try to stop guessing about how she is feeling or thinking. And as someone who's super into personality tests and enneagrams, like I just want to like, that's fun and exciting. But like, that tells me that, you know, you like to think about things and then you're interested

and you try to figure people out and you try to figure yourself out. But with that, you're going to make a lot of assumptions and you're going to get yourself in trouble and and just enjoy getting to know someone you know like no personality test is going to really tell you who someone is they're going to tell you who they are through their actions and their words slow it down in general for yourself and enjoy getting to know this person who you still have a lot to learn about regardless of how many personality tests you have her take i totally understand that i know that when i started

doing a personality test you answer 50 questions and then you're like wow it knows me it must know everybody yes and you get totally into it and then you realize like maybe it's not figuring every personal detail out so i it totally makes sense what you're saying i and i think i think this is like a universal but i think a pet peeve for everyone is other people telling them who they are so be careful as someone who likes these things to like and you probably aren't even meaning to do it but like if, if you're, you have all this knowledge and when we learn things, we like to share things. Sure. And your ex-wife's laughing. Yeah, I guarantee it. Yep. Am I reading him like a book? Pretty much. Listen, it's not him. It's everyone. It's not, it's like we all do this. So yeah, just enjoy getting to know her. Tell her how you feel. I tell my callers when they're in the situation, don't ask what they want, just communicate what you want. So if you're like, hey, I want to respect that you're not ready. Well, and like, listen, asking why is not being pushy. We have to like, stop that.

We have to like stop that, you know, you learning more about someone and asking them why they feel a certain way is not you being pushy. That's you trying to get clarification so that you can empathize with this person a little bit more. Right. If, if you were to ask why, Hey, and like, you don't, you don't like, Oh, why is that? You know, people will sometimes ask why being like, Oh, that's weird. Why don't say that? Cause then you're making them defensive you're making them defensive but like oh okay no problem i don't want to rush things i is there like is there a reason why is there something i could do like do it in a like a soothing kind of empathetic way that makes them not feel judged for trying to like set a boundary because that's what she's trying to do she's saying i i'm not ready yet but you But there's so many reasons why she might not be ready. You have a right to know. So nicely just being curious all while not making her feel judged for it is a totally fair question. And it is no way pushy. And if you do it empathetically and nice, and she makes you feel like you did something

wrong for asking, that should tell you something about her, which is like, maybe she's not close to opening up. Maybe, maybe that defensiveness, there's something to peel back there that like, maybe who knows, like that would be something you could learn, but like asking questions is not being pushy. And I think we need to stop thinking that. And if, if you asking questions pushes them away, then it pushes them away that tells you something about them they're just maybe not ready to be in a relationship and if you are if you want more from this person and she doesn't that speaks to your lack of compatibility maybe she's just more like kind of a fuck voice like what's her situation is she was she out of a relationship has she been single for a while what's going on with her yeah she has been single for a while she also came from a relationship where um her ex you know

ended up going back to somebody and getting them pregnant and then it was a big hubbub about yeah he's this and that okay so definitely that that would justify wanting to take things slow you know right and it's a it's a weird thing especially to get really excited in the first couple dates and have the other person say i want to slow things down if i it's it'd be i would understand why she got a little uh defensive not defensive like you did something bad but like probably she got a little uh well yeah defensive and a little insecure about this because she probably kind of felt called out you know so i don't i think you're probably overthinking the situation a little bit it sounds like i've heard

that before yeah i mean you know join the club uh i've i've been there uh i do it all the time but if you like her enjoy getting to know her and just learn more opposites can attract do you guys like the ending ramp do you do you balance each other out like at the end of the day like you want to be compatible but you can have different interests it's just a matter of how many interests you have allows you guys to feel like you're not like negotiating all the time right right and i think right now with the walls being up uh for both of us you know i want to be more loose and just kind of be go with the flow and then she wants to be more business

and stay in that structure. And I've noticed glimpses here and there and that's what I've been kind of hoping to see more of. And that, I guess, will come with time as we get more comfortable. When you say, is this like a new season in your life,

this go with the flow? Because I'll be honest, he's always go with the flow. But then go with the flow because like i'll be honest it doesn't he's always he's always go with the flow but you then then go with the flow man like they and i that's what i'm kind of i'm a little confused because i don't really know you you're just like your biggest frustration is this woman you're dating his quite almost literally said i i want to go with the flow sure call us what you want i'm going with the flow oh yeah brie has her hand so i will say he definitely has a more laid-back personality okay but when he doesn't know like exactly what's going on i don't want to say like doesn't have control that's what i was thinking the word control i don't mean like controlling like you're controlling exactly i don't want to say like, doesn't have control. I was thinking the word control. I don't mean like controlling, like you're controlling. Exactly. I don't want to make it like a controlling,

but when, when anything feels a little bit out of control or he can't like pinpoint something, it definitely, he's like nodding over here. I can see it. You like to know where you stand so that you can go with the flow. It's like, I want to know where I stand so then I can show the fuck out. But if I don't know where I stand, I'm going to be a little neurotic and a little insecure about everything. You've been married and divorced. You and like, look at your ex-wife now. Look, think of, go back and think about what you knew about her in the first month of knowing her and what you know about her now. Yeah i'm sure a lot has changed she's probably even involved in a change as a person you've learned along the way so my point of saying

that is i'm i'm excited that you have a connection with this person but you it's funny you're like it's what you know it's really i mean to say this in an endearing way and i'm like when i was i haven't been in a relationship for that long and i'm your age, right? Whether you're, you, you're in your late thirties or a 21 year old woman that we have the same fears and insecurities and that, and we do some of the same silly things, which is the first person you like in a year, you have a connection. And now you're just like, I like her and I need him. And now I need to figure out how to make it work. And I need to edit myself. The trick, like you don't know her, you know, you like what you know so far.

You're learning about her. You've learned about some things that you like, and you've learned about some things that you've realized that might be an issue with compatibility. So just enjoy, continue to get to know her and stop trying to figure out if she's your person after every interaction. Maybe just tell yourself, you know what, I'm just going to enjoy this for now. And I'm going to check in with myself a month from now. And then I'm going to ask myself how I feel about her a month from now. And if I feel like I want to take a next step and I want to add additional expectations to this relationship, I'm not going to ask her. I'm going to tell her

what I want and I'm going to see what she says. And depending on what she says back, I'm going to ask why. And then I'm going to decide for myself if that's something I'm willing to accept or I realize that maybe we're just not compatible and I need to move on. But we don't know if she's your person. We just know she's the first person in a year you felt a connection with. And there's a huge difference between those two people. But we always decide, it's like, oh, fuck, first connection in a while. Got to make it work. We don't know if we have to make it work.

We just have to get to know her a little bit more. So enjoy the journey, man. You know? I appreciate it. One more question for you guys. What is your plan for either of you when you guys get into a serious relationship and you're like, oh, by the way, best friends with my ex, we've talked about you. It seems like you guys have a really healthy, unique relationship and you seem to be truly

the exception to the rule. But heads up, it will be something you're going to have to address. We were going to ask you about that. Because I remember when he was telling me about this girl that he's seeing, he kind of mentioned her past relationship and what happened with the guy going back to an ex and getting her pregnant. And I said, I'm like, well, I don't want her. That could trigger her if we're still friends. And the last thing I want is for that to come in between something new that could be good for you. Yeah. But the whole friendship part, mean you know our friendship is

important to us and like he said it confuses all the people well here here's here's my here's my non-expert advice one like you guys are friends now and i think you guys need to be open to that this relationship evolving and that and that also might mean distancing yourselves from each other, right? Because you're no longer married. You guys are ex-husband and wife. And it's easier to maintain this friendship now because both of you are essentially single. But it just might be as you get to meet someone else, and this might seem weird to you guys now because right now you're still a big part of each other's lives but you guys are going to eventually grow

apart and that's okay so that's one just be open to that like it's it's fine you know like just be like we appreciate we have right now and let's just be open to it too when you do start dating someone don't make the mistake of saying it's not weird. It's, this is weird. It's, it's unique. And what you don't want to do is like go to the someone you're dating and be like, no, no, no, it's so normal. It's so not weird. No, it's fucking weird. Because if you were to tell it, it's not weird, then that's like a red flag to them and be like, well, what do you mean? Like, what do you mean? It's not weird. So name what it is. It's a unique thing. I know it's weird. I know it's unique, but like, Hey, I'm grateful that I can be friends with my ex. And then like in any situation, whether you want, if you're in a serious relationship with someone, uh, of the opposite sex and you have a

past, it's just really important for the other person to want to be friends with that person. So like, first you have to say it, acknowledge it. Hey, just, you know, this is this weird thing. I have this friendship and, and make it, make them feel like they're the priority. Hey, I like you. You're the priority. They're my friend, but I'm focused on this. And I want you to know you're the priority. If you are ever interested, I'd love for you to meet them because they are a friend and I know it's weird, but like, just give it a shot. And again, like at your pace, I don't want to force it on you. And they might say, I mean, I'm open to it, but like, I'm not super interested in being besties with your ex-wife or husband, and that's got to be okay for you. And that's what I mean, be open to like seeing

where this relationship goes. Be grateful that what you have right now to support each other, but just be open to, it might be not be a long-term thing. If it was, maybe you'd still be married. Yeah, we definitely, I think, uh,

you would agree with this, Bobby, that like we've pulled, not that we've, we don't talk as much as we used to now that we're both back in the dating world. Like, you know,

we're friendly, but it's not like we're like calling each other and texting each other every single day. It's like, but we were talking about that're calling each other and texting each other every single day. But we were talking about that. Your support system, you guys have had. Right. Not that I expect to be a bridesmaid in your next wedding or anything.

Who knows? Anything can happen. As long as we are recognizing that it's unique and that we're not asking these other people that we don't net to pretend that it's normal because that, I think that's the biggest thing. Cause people like they get defensive. No, no, it's like,

it's totally normal. It's like, no, it's no, nothing about this is normal. It might be fine. It might work, but it's not normal.

That's true. That's also okay. Very true. All right. Well, thanks a lot. Thank you. This was fun.

Yeah. Thank you. I'm congratulations to you guys maintaining a friendship. That's, it's pretty cool. Thank you. All right. Well, thanks a lot. This was fun. Yeah. Thank you. Congratulations to you guys maintaining a friendship. It's pretty cool. Thank you. All right. Take care, guys. Appreciate your help, Nick. Thanks. How's it going? Hi. What's your name? My name's Claire. Hi, Claire. How old are you? I'm 25.

How can I help? I've been seeing this guy on and off for two and a half years. We met when we were working together at our last job. And I would call this relationship definitely a situation ship for sure. But it started off as kind of us just like hooking up in the beginning. Two and a half years is a long time. Yes. Yes, it is. It's a long time to be doing this.

Yes. I could tell when I first met him that he was very closed off person. When I met him, this guy would kind of barely let me in his room. You know, he always wanted to hook up in my room. Like he didn't want me in his space. When you say a room, like his place? Yeah. Like he wouldn't let me over to his apartment. You're not like roommates? No, no, no, no, not roommates. But we did live close to each other. Okay. Like across the street.

Gotcha. But yeah, no, he was not my roommate. He wouldn't really share anything personal about himself. Like anytime I asked him a question about him, he would respond like with a question. But for some reason, I had a big crush on this guy and I still wanted to see him. And I think I liked that he was kind of mysterious. Yeah. Your curiosity probably kept you invested. I think it definitely did. Yes. Slowly, seven or eight months of this going on,

he starts to open up a bit more and then we start to do things more in like the daytime. So like date-like activities, not just hanging out at night. And this goes on for a little, like about a year. And, you know, I really liked this guy where, you know, it seems to be doing dating things and it seems more of like a situationship. While I was away one weekend, a year after seeing this guy, a bunch of our coworkers, cause I do work with him at the time, had a party. And he tells me when I come back that at the party, he slept with my housemate who was also our other co-worker oh boy yeah okay um so he apologizes and says how much it was a mistake

and that he was blackout drunk and he doesn't remember anything and i was incredibly uncomfortable because i had to work with both of them and this situation really kind of broke my heart because I really liked this guy. It is kind of a gray area if it was cheating or not, because we weren't technically exclusive, but we hadn't seen anybody else. It's not cheating. Yeah, it's not. It's not cheating. It's not a gray area. Okay. Not cheating, but it still hurt. Yeah, for sure. I get it. I'm just saying, you know, if you don't set expectations and boundaries and they're not cheating, but you do have a right to be hurt for sure. Yeah. When he approached the situation with me though, he said, I cheated on you. So I was just a little confused by that. But yeah, I would be confused too. What did you follow up?

I said, I said, I mean, this really hurts me. The part that hurt me the most was that it was someone that I was going to see every day and that we both know. That's the part that hurt me the most. That's the ego part. But I mean, I get it. It sucks. But that realistically is more of an inconvenience, right? That was a year in.

And then. Yeah. So after that situation, he apologizes and he says how much of a mistake it was. And he starts doing all these nice gestures months after. So like he's leaving notes and flowers. He told me. What are you saying in this period? Like, what did you say after he did this? I said, I just need space. I can't do this. I just said, this is done. I said, I- You tried to end the situation, Chip. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because I didn't trust him and I was just really hurt by the situation. In a month in though, I really decided just to forgive and forget the situation because

I just didn't want to give it more power than it already had in my life. So I was trying to move on, but he was, had all these gestures and he was suddenly continuing to be this guy that I kind of hoped he would be. So it was hard to say no to all these gestures and him really trying to be with me. And, uh, a couple of months after this, um, I told him that I would forgive him and I was ready to give him another try if he was my official boyfriend. Okay. And then he all of a sudden backed up and got scared and said he couldn't do it. But then he came back a couple days later saying, actually, never mind. I'm ready to be your boyfriend and that he loved me. Okay.

But to me, this all just felt too late and just too confusing. So I said, no, I can't do this. So a lot of back and forth. A lot going on here. Yeah. I know. The year ends and I decide to leave the job. I moved to a city about 90 minutes away for a new job that's kind of has a less toxic work environment. I mean, how much of this situation was the reason you moved? Just be honest. It's only me. I'd say 90%.

I did have a hard time making this decision, but it honestly, me moving was honestly the best decision I've made. So I'm very happy with it in the end. So over the summer, I do see him because we have mutual friends. And this is like months after I've left and I've moved. And we casually, not my best move, but start seeing each other again. But even more. You casually started seeing each other again.

Okay. Yes. So we started ho each other again. Okay. Yes. So we started hooking up again. Gotcha. But this then, it felt like the situationship was even more than the last time. Like his family had me over for dinner. We would go on these big dates. And why did you guys not, why was it a casual situationship versus being exclusive?

Well, I asked him and he said he was reluctant to be boyfriend and girlfriend because of, you know, so much has happened in the past and also because it felt like long distance. Okay. I mean, it is a version of long distance for sure. Yes. But that was his reason for not wanting to be my official boyfriend, even though we were doing all these boyfriend, girlfriend things. Gotcha. Boyfriend, girlfriend things don't matter, but. If they're not a boyfriend or girlfriend. Yeah. They're just things people are doing.

So it got to a point where I was just kind of accepting the situation. I was like, you know what? I'm going to make the most of this. And I just was like, okay, we're having fun. I'll just, I'll just go with it. But throughout the situationship, I continued to tell him what I wanted and what I needed to see if I can, you know, I really wanted words of affirmation, good communication. And because we did, you know, have a friendship within this, I did recommend he try therapy. This, uh, this relationship got to a point where I felt like I was his girlfriend, but he wouldn't call me that. And when I told him this term situationship that I had learned, I actually learned about it in the last year.

He said he loved the term situationship. I bet he did. And I feel like that's a big red flag right there. I think it's more speaks to some naivete. And yeah, it's a red flag in the sense that what it tells you is that he likes this thing you have. He likes having you at his convenience. That was him out loud saying, I prefer this over having to only be with you. So yeah, I got, yeah, red flag. There you go. Yes. So about a month ago, I finally get up the courage to again, say, we should talk about this.

I want to be your girlfriend. And he said, I have to think about it. And this kind of set something off in my brain because I was like, you've known me for two and a half years. We've been doing this dance, you know? And if you still think, you still need to think about me being your girlfriend, this is not okay. I told him like three days after that conversation that I ended it. So this is about a month ago. I ended this. I said, I couldn't see him anymore. I can't keep treating someone like a boyfriend if they aren't.

And he replied with that. He had this whole plan in his head that he, we were headed in the right direction in his eyes. And that since he might be moving to the same city I'm in next year, but he didn't communicate any of that dialogue he was having in his head to me. So that's the lack of communication that I would have loved to know, but we're moving in like snail steps here. You know, it's not, it's just been, I've been so patient, more patient than I should have been with him. And I told him that I deserve someone who can communicate well, who's affirming, holds his promises and wants to be my boyfriend.

So where are we at now? What's your question? So since then, he's been stepping up even more. He's trying to be more affirming. He's currently in therapy. He's trying to be more affectionate and open up. And I guess my question comes in here. How I feel is that I'm just frustrated because he only steps up when something goes wrong. In all honesty, I don't want to take him back. And I really know I shouldn't. But I've been tempted if I'm admitting that to you. What do you mean you don't want to take him back?

Because I just want to move forward. I just, I'm tired of, you know, I feel like, I know relationships can be tricky and hard. I mean, if that's what you want, then that's what you should do. But I don't believe that's what you want. I believe that's what you think you should do. I believe that's what you think I'm going to tell you to do. But I don't believe that's what you want. Interestingly enough, I'm not, like,

you talked about how patient you've been with him. In your story, there are two specific times where you really went for it and said, no, I don't want to do this anymore. I want you to commit. And after you put out what you wanted, you weren't patient at all. You were patient, patient, patient, patient, patient, patient, patient, putting up with a bunch of things that you weren't patient at all you're like you were patient patient patient

patient patient patient patient putting up with a bunch of things that you didn't really want and then good for you for standing your ground but then you decided like overnight you're going to like radically change the expectations and it shouldn't be radical but like listen after two and a half years after like this situationship which you both participated in and through your actions, both agreed to you at a couple of different times said, Nope, enough, I'm done. And, and, and then, and then immediately went from incredibly patient and overpatient to like, not patient at all. You're like, I want an answer now. Well, I mean, he had to adjust to like changing everything about what he knew about this relationship or expectations of

him. And it's only human for him to have to like consider how much it is worth to him. You know, it's okay for people to be like all right well i should really put some thought into it quite frankly you should want him to think about this thing you don't want him to cavalierly you're you mean i get it but you're you're kind of both talking out of both sides of your mouth on one aspect you're like you you want him to know after this long whether he wants to be with you or not right but you also don't want him to be reactionary so you know what i'm saying like which one is it in a perfect world you would have said on both these times hey i can't do this anymore i like you you know i like

you i've been hurt by you whatever we have a past but I want more from you And this is what I want Can you give this to me? And I want you to think about it and take some time take a week A week's enough a time. I don't know maybe two but yeah, sure Give it some thought because what i'm asking you is a big thing and when and when you and if you do say yes I don't want you to panic and freak out in a month. I want you to really think about what that means. Because what it means is I want to be each other's

priority. I want us to be willing to drive 90 miles to see each other. I want to see on a consistent basis. I don't want either of us to be on dating apps or sleep with other people. I'm asking a lot of you. And in a relationship, I want us to ask a lot of each other. So before you say yes, I want you to really think about it. But you wanted him to just know, even though everything you guys were doing up to this point was a completely different situation. Yeah. No, that makes sense.

You have to decide for yourself what you want. There's no wrong answer. Do you want to fuck around with this guy? Do you want to be in a casual situation with this guy? Do you want him to be one of many people? Do you want to be in a monogamous with this guy there's no wrong answer do whatever the fuck you want i understand family and friends and parents and society might ask and check in and some of them might like think it's weird but who gives a shit yeah but i'm not convinced you know for sure what you want right i think i'm not sure if you're letting society get in your

head or you're getting in your head or how much your ego is playing a role i'm just here to tell you it's okay whatever you want is fine but once you decide what you want you need to hold yourself accountable to stop accepting less than what you want with whoever that is and when you put yourself out there with someone yes it's okay to give them some time to think about it don't let your ego take over and make them like realize that they need to know that you're in a moment's notice special enough to make you a priority when you haven't asked for that for a year or two and a half years, wherever it is. Yeah. I think I've just been frustrated and overwhelmed with just like the ups and downs of it that a part of me really does want to move forward.

part of me really does want to move forward and I really don't want to go back to him in any shape or form, whether it's, you know, hooking up or, you know, or a situationship or even as a boyfriend at this point, it's just, I, I just, I don't, I guess my overall question is, um, what your advice would be on letting go to someone when, who's finally in front of me doing all the things that I've wanted them to do maybe the past couple of years. I mean, if that's what you really want, then you need to just communicate that with him and he'll probably feel hurt and let on. And that just is what it is. But you need to then have the willpower to stop. And you have to not give in to boredom or weakness three or four months from now.

If you start missing him again or you go on a couple bad dates and you start comparing him to other bad dates, that make you go, you know, maybe I should give him another shot. you go, you know, maybe, maybe I should give him another shot. Because like, if you decide not to date him, then you're deciding not to date him, regardless of who else is out there in the world. Yeah. You know, it's, you're just deciding not to date him. And so you have to do that and then move on. But so many people will say, well, I don't want to date you because I think there might be something better. And they go look for something better, don't find it and come back. And then that person's a backup.

So decide now whether he is or isn't someone. By now, I mean, I think you should really think about it. I feel like you're really torn between what you think you should do and what you want. I'm not convinced you even know right now i think you're judging yourself a lot and you're letting other people judge you and and making you judge yourself who gives a shit right like yeah you you have played a role in this very in this two and a half years from what you're telling me you have you could have he could have been your boyfriend a year ago and that's fine that you said no have, you could have, he could have been your boyfriend a year ago.

And that's fine that you said no, but like you could have, and maybe you would have broke up a month later. He would have freaked out. I don't, we don't know, but he, he said he wanted to. And then you said no. And then you shut it down that you got back into it. And then, you know, it would make sense why he was like, well, I don't know. Like he kind of shut me down for you. You guys have been very confusing to each other you've you you know he apologized for cheating on you when he didn't cheat on you you had expectations with each other without defining expectations so really i think you should really think about what you want first and take some time to think about it it's already you've already taken two and a half years a A couple more weeks won't hurt you. And think about what you really want. Not think about what will people say.

Just what you want. And whatever that is, is okay. And then once you decide, if it's him, then just go for it. Set your ego aside. Say that you want this. Give him one more shot.

And then give him some time to think about it. Be easy on each other. And then you can't like let go of the past. Try to start fresh. And like, because this will be the first time you've ever been in a committed relationship with him. And do that. And if you don't want to date him, then you have to have a tough conversation.

And then you have to cut him out of your life forever. And if you have a friend group, then you're going to have to like take some time away from it. You're you have a friend group, then you're going to have to take some time away from it. You're going to have to distance yourself and you're going to have to do the things that give you the strength and not go back to this pattern because it's a fairly toxic pattern in the sense that you guys are just

wasting each other's time. And you guys aren't helping each other grow. You're just kind of helping each other stay stagnant emotionally. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Take care.

How's it going? Good. I'm Sam. I'm 27 in Los Angeles. Hi, Sam. Hi. I need some help writing a text message to my mother. Your mom. What's going on with mom? My mom and I have kind of always had like a hot and cold

kind of relationship. And right now we're kind of working through a kind of difficult situation. We had a period of two months where we weren't talking to each other, which was unusual for us. And now things are better on talking terms, but I have to figure out how I'm going to tell her about my arm tattoos that I know she's going to hate and be really disappointed about. So I don't really know how to start this conversation with her. Where does mom live? My mom lives in New York, so way on the other side of the country. Gotcha.

Pretty far away. Because my first thought was like, maybe we don't text this, but mom's in New York. There's a lot of like history here. So like, I think that's kind of important context to the story of like why I'm struggling to start this conversation and kind of tell her this. So the hot and cold relationship has kind of been an issue since I was in high school of, we just kind of butt heads. I've always kind of been struggling with the tension of like being kind of the black sheep

of my family and not kind of following the path that my parents kind of saw me going on. And while like, I would like to think I have like a close relationship with my whole family. The truth is, is that it's strained because I have like, want to live my own life, do what I want to do. But, um, I'm from like kind of a culture and a family where there's a lot of expectations and you're expected to kind of follow a certain path of go to college, get a really good job, maybe go to law school or go to graduate school and then get married, have kids, settle down. And within that kind of structure, my parents kind of have a very like specific way they see that working. And when I kind of got out of college, my

relationship with my mom got a little bit better because I was far away. I was in another state and we could kind of keep a lot of our conversations just like on the phone. And it was kind of one of those things where it's like, I just didn't tell my mom about the things that I knew she wouldn't like. We kept it at that. So that was kind of how we kept the peace was like, I just wouldn't talk to her about things that I knew would cause her to be upset or cause her to feel like she needed to kind of course correct my decision making in my life. And that's where a lot of the tension in our relationship has kind of started. Is that like, she doesn't approve things. Now at this point, I'm curious.

When was the last time you remember telling her something that you knew she wouldn't like and she didn't like? How long ago was that? Probably like a couple of weeks ago. I mentioned that it also is probably important information that she doesn't like my partner that I live with. She doesn't like my boyfriend. Okay. And that's kind of the reason we didn't talk to each other for two months

earlier this year was like what does she like about him that he's not a doctor or a lawyer or a millionaire okay has she said that or is that your your you feel confident in how you that's the accurate yeah that's that's the that's the truth is that um there's really nothing wrong with him as a person she thinks that he's like fine okay and then for my family like fine is not good fine is like you settled if what you're describing is true that means your parents have a very rigid and and short-minded point of view on their expectations on what their kids should do or life or people. And you have chosen, you're 27 years old. You've clearly decided a different path for yourself. And while I know it can be hard, I think your best, again, this is much easier said than done. So I recognize that. But I think you're better off just being exactly who you are to your parents and just forcing them to accept it and ignoring the noise.

noise because we've said this on other episodes, like parents can be bullies with their kids and any bully, when you know that you can get, when you know you can bully someone and they respond out of fear of what you might say, bullies tend to bully more and you have to stand up for bullies. And when a bully, when you realize that when a bully realizes they, they no longer, they've lost that power or influence, they often stop or they get afraid for themselves. So your mom's kind of bullying you into having the life that she thinks she should have or whatever it is. And you don't want that. You're a 27-year-old woman.

So I think the best way to do it is to kind of have no fear. Again, I know it's easier said than done because I think she smells this fear. She knows she's still like can get to you. And because she knows she can get to you, she still tries to get to you. In the most respectful way, say to your mom, and maybe you already have like, mom, I love you with all my heart and having a relationship with you is really important to me, but I need you to respect the person that I want to be. And if you can't, then like, then we're not ever going to have the relationship I hope to have with you, but that's going to require you just accepting the person that I am and who I want to be and who I want to be with and trust that I know how to

make decisions for myself. You've been great parents. You've given me great skills and how to make choices for myself. Now let me be that person. And I'm not always going to do what you want. And often I'm going to disappoint you, but this is my life. And I just need you to accept that. Yeah. That's what I think like I need to say. Yeah.

If you haven't said that, you definitely need to say that. I've said it like not quite as directly as that, but that was kind of the precipice of like why we stopped talking to each other was like um he'll find this funny but like she likes to do this thing and she knows it upsets me that like we'll be having a conversation about something and like out of nowhere she'll just be like you know like you should dump like boyfriend she's like you should just dump him like just go to law school just like dump him and like that's where really where we've had a lot of problems in our relationship is like she feels the need to just kind of like say these things. She doesn't feel the need. She says it because she knows that she gets a reaction out of you.

She knows it affects you. She knows it has an impact. And until you let her know that it doesn't, she'll keep doing it. That's a good point. That's what I should do. it that's a good point that's what i should do again i know it's much harder and i know like with parents and their relationships it can require years of therapy and and parents are wonderful and great and they give us our literal lives but sometimes they in adulthood can overstep their boundaries all parents have even the best ones But in this situation, you have to stand up for your mom.

And I really think, yeah, you got to have that no fear. I know it's a problem. And I think if you haven't said that, I think you really need to say that and make it very clear. And you do it in a loving, nice way. And you just say, this is who I am. This is who I'm going to be. I'm not ever asking for your permission. I'm not asking you for your approval. I'm just asking for your love. Yeah. It's tricky. Because you want your parents' love to be unconditional.

And it feels silly that I should have to ask. You know what I mean? It feels silly to ask. Your parents' love is unconditional. But this is something getting a dog taught me. Is that your parents don't unconditionally like you they unconditionally love you they love you even if they think you're an asshole or they think you're rude or they're just like you're in or they're they get embarrassed about you and they're just like my fucking head you know but i love you that's unconditional love is this like the fact that like i have siblings that

like we don't get along sometimes we, we're different ideologies, but like, I love you and I will do anything for you when you really need me. But like, do I like you? I don't know. My dog fucking loves everything I do. It doesn't matter. Unconditional like an unconditional like is different than unconditional love. And you don't need your parents to unconditionally like you.

They do unconditionally love you. Yeah. I mean, I already took like a really big step this year. So I feel like this is the next like big step I have to take. Um, so the other reason my mom kind of hates me right now is like, I moved out to Los Angeles and like, that's something she never wanted me to do. Um, and yeah, well, it's been a long time coming. I wanted to move out to LA when I was like 17 and they were like, no, no, far away, bad. Like, no, bad, scary. People are crazy and it in your face. Like your mom has a great influence on your life and she knows it. Yeah. And it like, it, it, it, it's at your core. And I mean, I have a lot of friends and then, you know, and part of that might speak to

like how much you love your family, you know, like that's a, probably a big, that's probably in a lot of ways, a good thing. It's just like, it's been abused a little bit by your mom uh yeah and and she like knows that i'm gonna like choose my boyfriend's side like it's kind of another issue like she knows i'm like firmly in the camp of like on the side of my partner well you need to like that seems like a problem i think you need to like basically coach your mom up on the relationship you want to have with her it's not about sides like she's your mom you're never like there's no side i mean it would be ridiculous for your mom to be like not talk to you about it like this is who i love and who i want to be with so i'm going to be with this person you don't have

to agree with it but it's not a side you're still my mom i'm still have a relation with you you're my mom of course i'm not a relation with you I do expect you to be respectful to my boyfriend if I ever bring him around and not be rude. That's an expectation I have of you. And you need to stand up and set boundaries with your parents and your friends and your siblings and all those people. And until you do, unfortunately your mom is going to keep doing these things because she knows she can get away with it. Yeah. No, for sure. I mean, that's why it's been going on for this long. That's why I'm 27 and I'm still dealing with like a mom that I can't talk on the phone to without her just kind of like,

like needling, pointing, poking, like all the things. And when she does, I think you just kind of, as much as you can call me and say, mom, I'm not, I'm not not gonna have this conversation like please don't again i would shower her with as many i love you as you can and just keep telling her how much you love her but also saying no at the same time no you can't talk to me this way no if this is what you want to talk about like i'm gonna i'm gonna go we'll talk later about something else but like i mean you you kind of almost have to like treat her like the child or the bully that she's being in a respectful way you know like be the second grade teacher who's

trying to like teach the second grader how not to bowl and just have like incredible patience with your mom because she's your mom but always set the boundary it's tough yeah but it's tough to come at it from like a loving way. Cause like the hard part is like when I've tried to do this before with my mom of like having to kind of tell her like hard stuff. Like I remember like when I called her and told her I was like moving out to California and my boyfriend was going to go with me. Like I was like physically scared to tell her cause I knew what was going to happen is that she was going to be really upset and like disappointed and like make it about her. Sure.

But what happened? How could you do this to me? But what happened? Oh, well, I moved and she reminded me every day up until I moved that I don't want you to do this. Okay. It's a bad choice. But you still moved. The world didn't end.

You're here talking to us. You have a job you like, a boyfriend you love. And yeah, mom's throwing a temper tantrum, but you're used to that. And you just have to make the choice to not engage in it. You have to learn how to tell your mom no. Mom, sorry. Okay, I'm not going to let you talk to me this way. No.

No. Hang up the phone. We're going to end this conversation. She'll learn. You're going to make her learn learn you haven't made her learn yeah i have to be strong yeah most parents are just like you know what myself and just you know when you're when you're not talking to your mom you're not teaching her anything because all what all what she's saying is she's just giving you the space she thinks you need but like she you're not winning anything by having distance. Like you need to, like, I think you should, when, when your mom wants distance, you keep

reaching out and keep telling her you love her and you keep, you keep trying to have a relationship you want and then still say no to the boundaries that she is not respecting. It's like a weird combination, but I think you just hit her with a bunch of love and a bunch of like, you don't let her have that distance because you don't want that distance with her. Start taking control of this relationship. You're being, you're, you're being responsive and reactive, which I get. It's your mom. Like there's a whole history here. Again, much easier said than done. And I'm sure your therapist has a lot of good notes and you should keep like

working with your therapist on this topic. But like it's tough. Yeah. That's a good point about being like reactive and not necessarily being proactive about the situation um i've kind of just sat back and let like the situation kind of unfold rather than kind of actively trying to change the situation oh yeah i mean that's the way you talk you're just like oh i know i know what's what's my mom gonna say what's my to do? You're constantly waiting to see how your mom acts. And you keep acting like it's the end of the world.

And quite literally, it's not. Like, all it is is, I mean, and I'm sure as a kid, all you want, I'm sure you just want your mom to just say, good for you. I'm proud of you. I'm sure that I imagine that's what you desperately want. And I'm proud of you. I'm sure that I'm, I'm, I can, I imagine that's what you desperately want and I'm sorry you're not getting that, but you know, you're unfortunately mom, mom needs a, a wake up call. Yeah, no. And it's like also hard as an adult to be the one going to therapy because the other people in your life don't want to go to therapy. Yeah. But that's good

for you. That's bad for them. Don't look at it the other way around like you should just be like you're thriving you're winning that's yeah and the game of mental health like good congratulations you win yeah it's been good like i'm glad i'm doing it and i'm glad that i'm like realizing these things and like kind of coming to the conclusion that like i have to actively choose to make my relationship with my mom different. Um, but like, this makes a lot of sense that like, it's going to take a lot of like constantly being like asserting the boundary and then reconfiguring the relationship. So as far as addressing the tattoo, whatever you do, I don't think it should be under the, like the guise of how do I tell mom so that she reacts the best possible way? I don't even think you tell mom,

let mom find out whenever mom finds out. And short of mom saying, Oh, I saw you have a tattoo. You say, if she gives you your opinion, you respectfully say, I love you, but mom, I wasn't seeking your approval, but now I know. Okay. I like that. I think that's good. I think you're right. I've probably been kind of focusing too much on the tattoo part. It's really not about the tattoos. It's really about getting to a place where I feel like the air is kind of clear with my mom about our relationship. So this is good. These are some good notes you gave me. I would definitely have that come to Jesus conversation with about like what exactly you want from this relationship yeah because i don't think like the tattoos doesn't really matter if ultimately like

we don't have respect in our relationship and if ultimately like we can't communicate to each other without it turning into a fight so like the tattoo doesn't really matter. It's really more of about like repairing the relationship and starting a new relationship with my mom. One that is hopefully healthier for both of us. All right. So no text, I think is the conclusion. Yeah. I think probably no text. I think we have to have like a larger, a larger phone call. Just live your life and let her find out whenever she finds out. The other ones that I have, like I've gotten other tattoos before and we've like gotten past it but it's always been like uh they're hideable so she doesn't see them she doesn't know they exist on a

daily basis versus like these ones that i have are like really obvious it's on my arm you're self-sufficient do your parents give you money like other than their love like what is no not anymore um they were they were like helping me with some stuff like i was in a tough situation like with covid with my last job but like uh here out in california like no um one of the really big stipulations about like making the move was like i'm financially independent now with my partner so there you go there they can't do anything to me. I hope. And I think it's a good chance

if you just shower them with love while setting boundaries, they will come around. Cool. Well, I love this. I'm a big fan of the show. I just finished listening to Ask Nick this morning. All right.

Well, we appreciate it. Cool. All right. Well, thank you. Thanks so much. Hopefully this was helpful. Thanks. Bye. All right. Take care we appreciate it. Cool. Well, thank you. Thanks so much. Hopefully this was helpful. Thanks. Bye. All right. Take care. Bye-bye.

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