The Viall Files - E442 Ask Nick - Am I A F*ckgirl?

Episode Date: July 5, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Welcome listeners, and join us as we take on your burning questions to help you navigate through the world of relationships. Our first caller currently lives in a semi long distance relationship as her boyfriend works at sea. But with her boyfriend already moving internationally to be with her,  she wonders if it would be smart to move again to another country and if the foundation of their relationship could take another jump. Our next caller describes that she is currently going through the fallout of a breakup, wanting to move on without going through a fuckboy era. Now Nick talks to our caller about how everyone participating in hookup culture is in a way, a fuckboy, and how everyone deals with a breakup differently. Our last caller has trouble deciding between two guys, especially when one of these situationships ended because of a tragedy of no fault of her own. Now our caller learns that she may be creating stories in her head based on limited information, and needs to think internally about what she really wants from a guy.  “Some of our best stories from the past are where we felt the most discomfort in the present.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Brooklinen: Don’t miss out, Brooklinen’s Summer Savings Event is here! Listening after the sale? You can still save. Visit http://www.Brooklinen.com and use Promo code VIALL for $20 off your purchase of $100 plus free shipping. MUD\WTR: Go to http://www.mudwtr.com/viall to support the show and use code VIALL for 15% off. Caraway: Visit http://www.Carawayhome.com/VIALL or use code VIALL at checkout to take advantage of this limited-time offer for 10% off your next purchase. Non-Toxic cookware made modern. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody happy fourth of july i hope you had a good fourthth of July. I hope it was safe. I hope there weren't any firework accidents. Yeah. You shook your head like. Oh, no. I preemptively know that I will have had a firework accident. No, I was just saying, that's crazy. Like how, yeah, every like three years, I feel like I end up way too close to fireworks unexpectedly.

Yeah. From strangers. I mean, I feel like, Nick, you're from the Midwest. Like a Midwest 4th of July, it's unhinged to the point where we go for the 4th of July, they light off fireworks from like a floating barge in the middle of the lake. And frequently the barge will just catch on fire

and then they have to get another boat to like tow it home and people are like diving into the water to avoid dying you can yeah you know if you drive into wisconsin the first thing you see for the first like six miles are firework truck stop like fireworks and cheese fireworks and cheese you can buy a lot of fireworks and cheese as you enter into wisconsin same with indiana i think it's usually it's a midwest thing yeah wonderful no a couple things uh housekeeping things for this week well obviously it's the holiday week i'm currently in europe if you if you're checking out my instagram we did record this intro ahead of time for those of you listen to our freestyle and going deeper

specifically going deeper we've done uh mediation calls We've also done office hours, which have been a big hit. Mediation calls are sometimes a challenge to get to people we thought we would just give a special mediation episode. So instead of going deeper this week, it's some really great mediation calls. So all you Ask Nick listeners out there, make sure you tune in to Wednesday's episode. Some really good couples talking about their issues, working through them. Some fun, some deep, some heavy, some sweet. So don't miss that and tomorrow will be uh more of the bachelor bios i think uh it will be the second part of the bachelor bios that we don't finish from the week before so part two of bachelor bios and previews of the upcoming season. So don't miss that.

And then next week we are back to. Our programming as usual. Regularly scheduled. Bachelor at. Plus the premiere of The Best Rat. Oh my God. So we're back. Bachelor off season is no longer.

We needed an off season. We did. It was a marathon. And I got to say, thank everyone for making this off season our best one yet i mean i show has never been more popular now we'll just have to squeeze the bachelorette in you know but we will for them but uh we've we've uh we've matured yeah we have new horizons horizon so uh what a successful off season for us uh anything else we wanted to discuss so i was

editing some tiktoks yesterday from episode 436 and nick you were talking to a caller who had kind of that really long list of everything she was looking for in a boyfriend everything from you know education to well traveled to had she wanted to read certain books you know, education to well-traveled to had, she wanted to read certain books, you know, well-read, you know, so many things going on and you had a very good, you know, I don't like to make lists. I think you should be, you know, prioritizing other things. So I did a deep dive and there is a term called prior dating. And I read this article and a dating coach slash eHarmony relationship expert, her name is Laurel House. She said before COVID, her clients had a laundry list of traits they wanted in a partner. And now people are honing in on what really matters to them. So she calls this shift

prioritizing and she encourages her clients to go after a single priority with potential partners, whether it's physical, emotional, or financial. And she also said that daters are finding themselves having deeper conversations because of COVID because it started opening up the door of how seriously are you taking it? What precautions are you taking? And she said, quote, people are having these real scary, historically scary conversations. Now it's not scary because now it's like, well, I know me. I know my needs. I'm confidently, vulnerably, unapologetically aware of my needs.

And I thought that was an interesting shift because of COVID. And I also think it's interesting that she only lets them prioritize like one thing. So I was wondering what your guys' kind of one thing would be if you had a dating coach or someone working for a dating site tell you that you could really only pick one well i don't i mean i thought that was interesting but it wouldn't be finances you know like what's that one thing well money that sounds kind of superficial and list building that's just me i could be wrong there i think if you have a history of like so like i have a lot of matchmaking clients who like if they've been divorced like they had a history of a partner having real financial trouble so i think it's usually like a response to a lack of like security or that i get

but i still feel like your one thing should be just like your emotional needs being met which i feel like is something that when often we're dating we don't hone in on or focus on early on and to like a lot of things i think ellie was referring to is this like being comfortable with having some of these conversations so many people avoid early on in dating i think as you get older you're comfortable with who you are. And like, yeah, you always want to be a better person, you always want to work on yourself, but there is a certain level of like,

this is who I am for better or worse, and that's okay. And there is a certain level of when you're early on in dating, letting that person know, this is who I am. You know, whether that's like an introverted person at times who can like be a little aloof or whatever. I'll always work on it, but like, just so you know, this is what you're working with.

There's a certain range of improvement, but like if you hate some of these aspects, I'm not your guy kind of thing. And I think having some of those honest conversations early on are really beneficial. But yeah, I don't know. I think what's for me to answer your question. Yeah. I think I'd want to have some version of that conversation. Like, I mean, Nellie and I had these, like when I was pretty open with Nellie about like when we started like talking about it, like, yeah, I mean, I'm this, like, when I was pretty open with Nally about like when we started like talking about it, like, yeah, I mean, I'm this, this, and that, I want to work on this, this,

and that, but like, just, just so you know, like, you might never not have to like remind me of this. And if this is like a non-negotiable for you, I might not be your person. And I think being able to say that and have that person say, okay, makes you feel accepted for who you are, which I think a lot of people early in relationships don't get to that place

until long after they started dating. Yeah, they don't give their partners the chance to accept them for who they are because of fear that it won't work. They won't. And they might not have even accepted who they are yet. You know, sometimes you haven't really been like, I can do this.

Yeah. I can be this way. Or yeah. I'm like a judging the shit out of myself in these areas. And it's so normalized that I don't necessarily clock it all the time but i clearly yeah i have a lack of acceptance what are the other things besides finance and emotions um she said to pick something whether it's physical emotional or financial physical emotional or financial those are like the three kind of main columns but obviously you could pick anything within that and what you want specifically oh also the fourth one she sees the most often is safety. I like that.

I feel like that's lines with emotional. But the physical and the financial, like I'm not like obviously physical is important and quality of life matters. But I feel like those are like fairly easily like are you physically attracted to them? Well, the way i understand the dating priority is it dating priorities prior dating prior dating is like kind of like what's your weed out course because obviously just because someone has this one quality doesn't mean that everything else is going to align but what is the one thing that you know you're not really

going to wiggle on that's pretty essential? And then there's, of course, like the rest of the getting to know you, compatibility. Do we have a similar sense of humor, et cetera? Yeah, because I feel like this – because when you say prioritizing, you say emotional needs. That registers with me because it's you focusing on your emotional needs while you are dating whatever person. Are my needs being met? emotional needs while you are dating whatever person are my needs being met because that because i feel like that is something many people don't consider they are thinking about like do i think they're attractive uh do i like their job do we do they make me laugh you know like which

okay sure like you know someone can be funny on any given time. You know, do I find them exciting? You know, am I, or they talk about this, like, spark or whatever. And they very rarely feel, think about, I mean, how many people we talk to on a regular basis will talk about, like, this person they started dating and they sound miserable and confused and sad and depressed but like but i really like always ask what do you like and it's the most confusing question and they're always like i mean like they make me laugh we have fun we have fun you know it's always the same thing So clearly people aren't focusing on that, which I do think that would be something to prioritize. But I think it requires you knowing what you want for yourself and you knowing how you want to feel and being confident. Like a lot of callers that we've asked,

was it okay that I feel this way? Because at times we're so understanding that we don't want to be pushy. We don't want to be, I, like, I didn't feel like I was being pushy to Natalie when I was like, this is who I am. I'll always want to get better. These are things I need to work on, but these are my strengths. I excel at this. Great at this. Awesome at this.

This, weak. I excel at this. Great at this. Awesome at this. This, weak. I'm weak. And I can tell you, I'll work on it and I'll tell you, I'll get a lot better, but just up front expectations.

I'm a little not good at that. I feel like mine is somebody who's like shares the kind of like teammate companionship mentality and is like reliable and grounded because I think I can be excitable and I like to meet new people and seek out experiences and kind of run my mouth and say some some wacky shit and I I just I feel like I really want someone who is like the balance to that of like maybe less exciting but more stable I think I don't know have I maybe have said this before on the show but I heard something that really changed my

I was like this is what dating is where they were like it's the test of is this a person you would want to sue the school board with if they're not correctly accommodating your child with disabilities like that is the kind of things that you have to do with marriage like these really like difficult unfun complicated stressful tasks and so i i think but you want something that makes you feel grounded not who makes me feel grounded because I think that's my job, but someone who is... Helps you feel grounded? Someone who like,

who appreciate, who... Why is it your job? Maybe that's not a strength of yours. I just don't think, it scares me to rely on someone or to outsource that. That's what I'm saying, to rely.

It's not their job, but occasionally it's nice to have someone who appreciates all the sides that you have, but is capable of grounding you at times and has the patience and the skill set to do so. A hundred percent. Because that makes you feel probably safer. Yeah. I also think I think so much about partnership through the lens of family and wanting to have kids.

And so I also think that's very important. Can you guys sew the school board together? Yeah. Allie, what's yours? I feel like mine would be safety. That like really resonates with me. And that's like, I, the guy that I'm currently into, I would describe as makes me feel safe. And I was like, that's so boring.

This should be like the fun, crazy stage. Who is this guy you're currently into? We'll talk about him another time. Okay. Are you seeing him soon? Who knows? He'll be revealed maybe in a couple weeks. All right.

Well, we anxiously await. All right. Well, enjoy this episode. Again, we already told you what this week's all about. Enjoy. Has summer got you feeling sweaty? Well, cool down with Brooklinen's 15% off site-wide summer savings event happening now. The deals are hot, but their sheets, towels, and beach essentials are breezy.

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Go to Mudwater, that's M-U-D-W-T-R dot com slash V-I-A-L-L to support the show and use code V-I-A-L-L for 15. That's 1.5% off. How's it going? Good. I'm Camilla and I'm 27. Hi, Camilla. How can I help? Okay. So I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now and we have been living together for like nine months. We kind of do like a sort of long distance because he works at sea. So he comes and goes. When he's home, he's like fully home. He's like on vacation and it's been working really well because we live in Costa Rica. So, and I'm from Costa Rica. So I have like my friends and my family here when he's away. So I don't really feel it as much. It's not that hard. We've been really good with that.

But logistically, we've been thinking about what we want to do longer term because he doesn't speak any Spanish. He's from the UK originally. And it's a struggle for us to settle here, like in terms of finances, in terms of him being able to make friends. And so long term, we've been thinking about maybe moving to the UK. And I've lived in the UK before. So I am comfortable, more comfortable there than he is here. But I'm really hesitant. And I'm kind of wanted to hear your thoughts on the situation,

if I'm considering everything I should be, because I'm really concerned about the fact that he is still going to be out working away and I'm not going to have my friends and my family because that was like the biggest thing that I was scared of or that I was more troubled with when I lived abroad and the plan is for him to transition out and to get a job where he would be home a lot more. But that's not really the case as of yet. And we're not planning on doing this anytime soon, but it's been like consuming my everyday life thinking about like what I want to do. Sure. So your boyfriend, everything's going pretty well. He has a unique job where he's at sea for

periods of time and then he's at home. So it's kind of this intermittent relationship. You guys want to settle down in a place. You are empathizing with him. He doesn't speak Spanish in a Spanish-speaking country. So he doesn't know as many people. You're more open-minded to the UK. But your concern is that while he's at sea, you have no one and you're going to be bored and lonely. And is that maybe a huge mistake? Is my understanding that?

Yes. Am I like setting everything up for failure? Kind of. Well, listen, here's the thing. You're considering taking a big risk, right? Yeah. You're considering taking a big risk, right? Yeah. Now, if it weren't for his unique job, let's say he was an accountant and just worked. Let's say he worked from home.

Yeah. How would you see the situation then? I guess it would be a lot easier because we would be together a lot more. And I'm a little bit worried because I do have friends there, but everyone lives all scattered. And are friends a big bit worried because I do have friends there, but everyone lives like, you know, all scattered. Are friends a big part of your life? Yeah.

I'm like very dedicated. Yeah. I think it's a big risk either way. And you just decide if you want to take that risk. I think you can, the situation you're in, you can look at it two different ways, right? If you're going to move to a new country without knowing a lot of people and only know your boyfriend, you are just going to be more codependent on each other. There's an argument to be made that you only knowing him,

and let's say he worked from home, that he would actually stop you from making friends. Not that he would stop you, but it's just harder to branch out in general and it's just easier to resort back to what's comfortable and he would be the comfortable thing. So I could make the argument that the fact that if him having this unique job in the beginning periods of this potential move could push you into really getting out there

to try to make friends, because friends in general is important for you to have. And if you end up settling down in the UK, you're going to want to make friends. If friends are important to people, even if you're in a marriage with kids, it's nice to have friends and other people to hang out with outside of

the relationship. And that might be the thing that pushes you. You might get lonely and frustrated and there definitely will be some like moments of being like, why the fuck am I here? But that might, that might propel you to like drive a little further to hang out with a friend or try something you haven't

tried before because like you don't want to sit home by yourself you just have to ask yourself are you that type of person to do that right because some people wouldn't some people would be like i know me i'm just not going to do that i'm not going to do that i'm not going to put myself out there i'm not going to go out of my way to make friends. I'm just going to be lonely. And so like, that would be hard. Other people would be like, yeah, I mean, I'm going to feel lonely, but like, I don't like being lonely. So like, I'll, yeah, I will be more outgoing. I'll keep myself preoccupied. I'll try, I'm going to move to this place and you know, he probably will, it will have some friends and you'll start you know you'll you meet you know you you said you have some friends there so like when you get there you'll

go hang out those friends and maybe make a drive but like just start networking and that's right have people that are introduce you to other people and like over time it'll happen but him being at sea will give you more free time to make friends. Yeah. That's very true. So that, that is a, just a different way to look at the same problem. Yeah.

So I don't know if that solves your problem, but I think it should take the worry away from being like, I don't think, I don't think your big problem in this decision is the fact that he has this job and that you will feel lonely because eventually it sounds like the plan is for him not to do this and the only reason to make this move is because you think this person could be your person and this is a long-term solution to make this relationship work i agree and you're right and i think part of the reason that maybe it's scary is because

my friends have been my friends my whole life. My friends are my friends from when I was little. And same with my family. I'm really concerned about this, not being able to be part of their lives. Yeah. I mean, I have 10 siblings and I didn't move out of Milwaukee. Well, I grew up in Milwaukee, right? And I always felt like, and I loved Milwaukee. It's still home to me. Like, you know, still root for all the teams. But I always felt like I wanted to be in a bigger city. I always felt like for me personally,

Milwaukee wasn't where I needed to settle down. But being the oldest of 11 kids, I always was like, oh, I don't want to be like an uncle to my siblings and et cetera, et cetera. And I'm like my friends and I have very close friends in Milwaukee. And I relate to that feeling. And it's all worked out for me,

but you got to live your life for you. And these friends that you've had, these lifelong friends in your family, it's never been easier to stay connected with people all over the world, just a matter of how much of a priority you make it. If you move, you'll definitely lose touch with some people. That's a certainty, right? But the relationship might evolve. It just might change. It's like your friendships are always going to evolve, regardless if you live in the same city or not. You know, if you settle down with your boyfriend in Costa Rica and you guys have kids and your friends have kids, you'll be preoccupied and be

busy with your family and friends and you'll meet other people and like you might lose touch regardless. So yeah, that's true. This is all to say is that there's no clear answer. Either way, this is going to be a risk. But these fears that you have, I think, while understandable, I don't think they should stop you from trying to make this thing work if you think it's worth it, if it's a priority. And listen, it might not work out. You can always move back to Costa Rica. You can't predict the future. So stressing yourself out now for something that's not going to happen in the near future, and then worrying about whether it's going to be some discomfort with being a little bit lonely, some discomfort of trying to put yourself out there and make friends. That is a certainty. You know that. So the big question is, it's like, do you want to do that? The rest you don't really know. You don't know who you're going to make friends with.

You don't know what jobs you guys are going to have in the future. You don't know if the relationship is going to be here five years from now. That's life. And, you know, it's like we'd like to know but we just don't know so you just have to put yourself in the best position possible and then just decide what you want to do but i i get the sense that maybe moving is a decent option for you and while you might be sad saying goodbye to friends you don't have to say goodbye to them forever you can certainly visit you can keep in touch so you give them excuse to travel and you just sometimes we just have to take big risks for for big rewards yeah no i know you're right it's just very daunting

because i don't know i'm just very hesitant to like how sure you have to be to make these sort of decisions because it feels very permanent. I know you're saying it's not, but I have a dog and I have to sell everything and moving and everything. It's not, yeah. It's one thing I've learned in life is that nothing is really permanent. I mean, I really like that analogy I use about moving. It's just like, I was like, oh, moving is such a daunting task. And then I moved and I was like, well, that was easy.

Yeah, I lived in Australia for a year. And when I moved and I was like well that was easy like yeah like I I lived in Australia for a year and like when I moved there I didn't know anybody and as much as it's like scary at times and like yeah there's like some low lows I think at the very beginning but it is so satisfying like seeing the life that you build for yourself so regardless of what happens with this relationship I think knowing that you moved to a new country and you found community and you built a little world for yourself will be empowering and will be something that you can take with you regardless of the outcome of the relationship that might have inspired the move. And also Facebook groups are really good for meeting people. There's a ton of

like, you know, various from various like nationalities or whether it's like interest oriented. And I think that can be like, especially when you first get there and you know zero people going to certain like meetups like that. It's really sweet to see how like these people that you just happen to meet on the internet become close friends. And I think you will really thrive

and be proud of yourself. I've also found that like moving to a new city where no one knows you allows you to like judge yourself less for taking risks and just trying new things. Because I feel like when we get comfortable in our communities where we grew up and our friends, like, you know, we're very self-aware of what our friends and family think about us. And if we want to try something new or be adventurous, we're so quick to like, look around

and be like, is this okay? Can I, do I want to do this? And when, when I moved into a city, I just, I'd like, well, I'd had dinner by myself at restaurants and I'd walk into a bar by myself. And like, if I did that in my hometown, I'd feel like a, such a loser. I'd be like, why am I showing up? But I was like, I don't know anyone. And, and so I can do this. And when someone says, says, why are you here by yourself? I'd be like, I don't know. I just moved. I don't know. And you know what people do? And they're like, oh, come on, join the club. They're all very inviting. So, you know, when you move, you can be more adventurous and you can tell people, I just moved here. take you under their wing and be excited to like you know introduce you to their friends and and and it can be a very exciting time but you know as far as like you wanting to be sure i mean the biggest thing is about this relationship how healthy is this relationship you know how you know are how how do they do you make each other feel like are, is it all, is you really like,

do you really think this is your person? Do you communicate well? Or are you supportive of one another? Like when things are rough, do you feel like he goes out of his way to be empathetic to you and like really listen? And especially when you're lonely, because those are the things that matter.

And when things get tough, those are the things that you need. And so I would focus on the qualities you have in this relationship that allow you guys to deal with conflict and stress and communication and as long as those are strong then you have as good a chance as any relationship to make it yeah i think that's the thing that i'm really sure about is that i feel like we are in very good, like a solid ground of our relationship, especially because when he's home, I like see him all day. I work from home and he's home all day. So I've been able to really see how we are with each other. So that's really good.

But obviously there's always like the hesitation of like, well, things can change at any point or they can even... You can fly anywhere in the world in 24 hours they can literally you can move home like you could break up be heartbroken live in the uk and two days later you can be back at home with your friends i know it sounds daunting and yeah like there will be some costs and crazy things but truly you can hop on a plane and be anywhere in the world in 24 hours yeah and when you think about it like that it's like fuck it why not YOLO let's live some life

it's such a brave thing to do and I think it would feel really good to know like to just know that you're doing that for yourself and that you're being really brave and even when it's hard you're still sticking it out and growing I have a hard time believing that if you were to move and do this,

and let's say your relationship with your boyfriend doesn't work out, short of some catastrophe we can't predict or something, I have a hard time believing you'll regret it either way. I think even if you moved and it didn't work out, you will have made friends that you will have forever. You'll have new experiences that you'll always remember. And even if you move back home,

you will value that time as a really unique, fun time in your life. Even if some of that time is filled with sadness about a breakup. You're right. And I feel like I recently, like I play everything so safe and something I've been trying to like push myself on now

is like what's going to be in like the memoir that you write one day or what's going to be in like the memoir that you write one day or what's going to be the fun stories that you tell your grandkids. And even if like Nick said, you go and something happens and there's heartbreak and there's sadness, you're going to be talking to your grandkids one day

and say, well, when your grandma moved across the world and then, you know, this happened, but I rallied and I found these people and I found new love or I chose myself and then I went to Paris. Like those are the kind of stories that you're going to look back on as opposed to maybe just being like, well, I did the responsible safe thing and stayed put. Yeah. Some of our best stories that we have about our past are moments when we felt the most discomfort in the present.

No, that's true. And I feel like that's something that it's actually really helpful to remember because um my like my family doesn't really understand that like the culture here is very much like you grow up here you develop here you stay here forever and that's not me like what you're saying is it really resonates with me like I'm I really like the adventure and the side of like being able to go out and like experience the world. But like, it's kind of being met with resistance from my family. But like what you're saying is a really good. All of my close friends that I grew up with that I still consider my best friends there.

They all live within 30 miles from where they grew up and that's great. That's that's their, they, they're there. They have very happy lives. It's just not the life I wanted to live for myself. And I still keep in touch and get to see them. And we've all just accepted each other's lives that we've chosen for ourselves. This was really helpful. All right.

Thank you. Well, best of luck. Thank you so much. Yeah, let us know whenever you make the move how it's going. Yeah, I definitely will. And if I'm not having a great time, you will know. You can blame us. You can blame us. You can blame us, yeah, for sure.

We're rooting for you and this is exciting. Thank you. Thank you so much. All right, take care. You too. All right, bye-bye. Bye. Pots and pans, pots and pans.

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Okay. So to start, I am currently going through a breakup. I broke up with my ex about a month ago. We were together for about seven months. So what do you mean you're currently going through it? Because I'm dealing with the emotional repercussions of the breakup at the moment still. How so? I am still feeling pretty sad about the ending of the relationship. It was a pretty special connection for both me and my ex. And though it wasn't a long relationship, I'm definitely still feeling some acute feelings of grief and loss.

So you're broken up, but you're mourning the loss of the breakup. Exactly. Yes. All right. Yeah. It also was it lasted like a couple of weeks. The breakup did. So it was a little bit of a drawn out process. a little bit of a drawn out process. So since that happened, I decided to kind of focus on myself and I've been making some positive changes in my life and things have been going pretty well. I did meet a new guy about two weeks ago. We met on the street. You've been broken up for a month with the other person.

Correct. Yes. Yeah. So like you're dealing with it pretty well. Yeah. Okay. yeah so like you're you're dealing it with it pretty well yeah okay um uh so this new guy um he asked me out um and i said yes um i was feeling some chemistry and i decided to to go for it there was about a week of time in between when i met this new guy and when we were going to go out because he was traveling and during that week of time I was feeling some anxiety about going on a date with a new person. And I was also kind of still feeling some sadness about not being with my ex. In

addition to that, the new guy had been pretty forward in his interest in me. He had been constantly checking in with me about how I was doing. He had called me at one point while he was on vacation with his family, even though we had talked for about 10 minutes when we met. So it was pretty overwhelming. And because of that and the anxiety that I was dealing with about going out on a date with someone else, I decided to cancel it. And he suggested that we still hang out as friends, which we did. The new guy. The new guy and I, yes, we decided to just be friends. And then we hung out just as friends.

And then you had sex. Exactly. Because he definitely... I mean, did you believe him? I think I was telling myself that things would be okay because I am a relatively new transplant to the city that I live in and I am definitely in the market for some friends. I hear you. But a guy asks you on a date, he's rather like assertive with his interest in you. You decline the date and he's like, let's just be friends. But I mean, truthfully, it's probably what you needed to hear because you canceled the date because you felt like he was applying too much pressure.

And it was more about like him taking the pressure off, even though his interest level in you was literally still the same. Yeah. I don't know what that says, but that's more the reality. Yeah. I think I was just telling myself that it'll all be fine. It will all be fine. Yeah. happened. I started feeling a little bit anxious again and wasn't sure if I was interested in continuing the relationship with him because he's definitely more invested in it than I am. And I don't see anything more than just a friends with benefits situation with this guy.

So I feel like I'm being a fuck boy here a little bit. I also wanted to say that I broke up with my ex because I was looking for more of a commitment than he was willing to give me. I don't want to waste my time in a friends with benefits relationship. How much hope, if at all, do you still have that the ex is going to wake up and come around? I mean, I'd be lying if I said I had none, but I don't think at this moment that's going to happen. Okay. Yeah. I mean, if he...

Listen, I love that you have hope, but still decided to do something about it. Most people in your shoes will be hopeful and just sit there and wait around and hope it changes, but you took things into your own hands and did the hard thing and ended a relationship with someone you loved because you weren't getting what you want.

So good for you. And the fact that you remain hopeful is natural and normal. But now you have the freedom to be a fuck boy while also being hopeful. Like how wonderful options. I didn't think about it like that. I think you're being a little hard. Yeah, well, this is like that i think you're being a little hard yeah well this is great i think you're being a little hard on yourself so you know he likes you

or you think he likes you i know he does and what does he like about you uh that's something that i'm a little worried about too i think he's a little bit infatuated because we have only gone out like on we've only hung out two times i him on the street, and we talked for about 10 minutes. And we've had sex a couple times, so there isn't a huge basis here. Is sex good? Yeah. Sex is good? Yes, very.

Very good. Have you said this to him, hey, what do you like about me? I have not asked him that exact question, no. Yeah, I think someone in your position who is a little hesitant about someone's excitement that they're having for you and you're unsure about how you feel about them, especially if you're considering like stopping it, ask, be like, I mean, you say you like me, but like, what do you mean? Because like, I'll be honest, we just met. And so I'm just, I don't really know. I mean, I know we've seen each other naked and we're having sex, whatever, hookup culture.

But like, and I'm glad you're excited. I'm flattered. But like, one, just so you know, I'm just, in general, I just, I'm still, I'm just gonna be real with you. I got out of a relationship. Tell them why. I wanted more from them. So like, if I'm being totally candid,

I'm a little hopeful. I don't think it's gonna happen, totally candid, I'm a little hopeful. I don't think it's going to happen, but like, I'm not completely over it. I just had to choose myself. And this is me choosing myself. I don't tell him, you know, I don't know what he's going to say to that, but you have no reason not to tell him. He did. I did tell him that I'm getting over a past relationship, but I didn't go into that. You should be specific about what you mean by that. Okay. Yeah. Only if you want him to know, you don't have to tell him anything. Sure. Because when you said like,

I think of a fuck boy, right? Like, in my opinion, I think everyone today who is dating, who participates in hookup culture is a fuck boy. And by participates in hookup culture, I mean, is willing to have sex with someone they don't have an established emotional connection with. And by emotional connection, I mean someone they truly know and trust how that person feels about them and how they feel about that other person. That means they're not wondering how they like them. They're not wondering if they'll call. They're not worried about being judged for a bad habit they have. There's an established rapport that takes time to build. And if you are willing to date and have sex with someone before that time, you're in hookup culture. And given that, you have the risk of being someone else's fuckboy because someone can start liking you and you cannot like them back by still participating in sex.

And then that leads to confusion and someone feeling like they got fuck boyed by a fuck boy. So the answer to your question is, yeah, like you at you're at the risk of being a fuck boy to him, but like, you know, it'll be fine. You're trying to be communicative. You know, you're trying to get ahead of it. Right. So like all you can do is communicate. So tell him where you're coming from tell him about the past relationship he says he likes you you're not sure how you feel about him so challenge him on my like well okay you've known me for two days what exactly are you so excited about because like i'm you know i'd be excited to meet me too but and i want you to be excited but like if you're okay with us hanging out sex is great by

the way congratulations on your dick it's great but like i i i'm just not emotionally there so like i don't want to lead you on and and if you're excited then maybe we shouldn't have sex now with all if you as long as you give him all the information, you're giving him the power to decide for himself. Now, a lot of people in those shoes might lie to themselves and say that they're okay with something they're not okay with. Like, he's okay. Like, he's already shown that he's okay. I didn't really believe him, but he might have lied to himself too. He might have lied to himself and told himself, I'll just be friends with her. to himself and told himself, I'll just be friends with her. All right. So he's already shown you a willingness to lie to himself, kind of, maybe potentially. So it wouldn't shock me, even though you set a boundary, but that's, that's his problem. At a certain point down the line, if you decide to keep hanging out with him, having sex with him, as you do get to know him, you will be able to sense that he might be really actually liking you and developing feelings for you that go beyond just being excited about you for the first couple of days. And you might have

to then be the person that says, we should end this because I haven't evolved my feelings for you and yours keep evolving. And it just feels like disproportionate to the direction we're going emotionally. And so then you might need to end it it but i think you're being a little hard on yourself to feel like you have to end it now at the risk that like you somewhat that he could call you a fuck boy yeah and of course being called a fuck boy is neither here nor there but i want to make sure that i'm being as respectful of him as possible but you're right i'm not responsible for his emotions or his behavior. You're not. All you can do is be honest

and give him a chance to be honest with himself. And down the line, you may have to decide for yourself that he hasn't been honest with himself. And that's why you might end the hooking up part. But also you might learn to, you might fall in love with him. I don't know.

Do you think that being in a casual situation after a breakup when there are definitely still emotions involved is in general a helpful thing to do? I think it's something to do. I don't think it's bad or good. Your situation is pretty clear. You wanted to be with your ex. He wasn't willing to give you what you wanted. And you made the very difficult decision to choose yourself and step away. And that's really hard to do. And I think you should like give yourself a ton of credit for doing that and like try your best to have some fun. And if that means having some good sex, then good for you. Right? Like you're trying to already get ahead of it, communicate like you're not, this is not a toxic situation. You met a guy who's excited about you,

who also knows nothing about you and he's getting a little ahead of himself. And so all you can do now is just further communicate with him where you're coming from. So he has a clear picture and give him an opportunity to decide what he wants to do for himself. And then, like I said, down the line, you might have to reevaluate whether, you know, like, again, because he has a shown a willingness to kind of convince himself he's okay with something he might not be okay with. But in the meantime, go have some fun. Like, go date.

All right. And then, like, and if this gets too complicated, shut it down with him and go back on the apps. But there's nothing wrong with dating. Because, like, and I say that because, like, if you could have what you wanted right now, you'd, well, you'd want, you'd have your ex and there's, and you've accepted and you've done the very difficult thing of accepting things that you can't control, which is his willingness to want to be with you. So all you can do is live your life. So go live your life. You know, you don't have to wait till like, you're completely over it to like go on a date and have some sex. Like there's nothing that's

going to change. Like you can't change his mind his mind so like just go live your life and and only time will help you in meeting more people and in time away from the ex will like further help you get over the the ex so i think you're doing everything great well great okay that's good to hear yeah that's all i got to say awesome all right well, thank you. I listen to this very regularly, so I'm glad that we were able to chat. Thank you. Yeah. Thanks for making me feel like I'm giving good advice and someone's taking it out there. Yeah, definitely. Good for you. All right. Well, congratulations. And yeah, again, don't be afraid to feel good

about your very difficult decisions you had to make for yourself because they're not easy to do all right I will all right take care thanks you too all right bye how's it going good how are you good what's your name uh Katie and I'm 29 how can I help so I wrote in originally uh I have two guys that I'm kind of in between right now. So I'll give you a background of each one. So in June of 2020, so right in the pandemic, I met a guy, we'll call him Jay. And he was separated from his wife, but he lived, like had his own apartment. They were fully separated. So we went out a few times. And then we slept together fairly quickly, which was fine. And then we only talked about

like three or four weeks. He actually found out that he had cancer. They decided that he's going to get back with his wife and their child and try and make it work. And, you know, they were just going to see if they could make it work again, considering everything going on. So he deleted all the social media accounts, not blocked me. He just deleted everybody. I think he just needed some time. So there was that. And then I'm going to say July of 2021, I met somebody else. We'll call him B. And he and I started talking. We hung out with each other's friends. We got along. We talked for a while. And then there was one night I met him and his friends out at a bar. And well, let me preface this. He's someone who says that he has a lot of

friends that are girls. He's like a guy that has a lot of girlfriends. And so we... Something to note. Yeah. Yeah. So we're at this bar and none of my friends are there. It's all of his friends and him. And he gets up and goes inside because we were outside. He comes back. He doesn't say anything about where he was. And then not even five minutes later, he gets up again, leaves, not telling me where he's going. And he's gone for like a long time.

So I'm just sitting there talking to his friends, like not thinking anything. I have his phone, I have his wallet. And eventually I look inside and he's sitting at the bar talking to another girl. And so it's fairly new. And normally I'm okay with some.

How many dates have you been on at this point? Like four or five. And I've met his friends and he's met mine. I kind of got upset and I was like, I don't really care for that. We're still starting out and you're just leaving me with your friends to go talk to another girl, which it was his friend and whatever. He has all these friends that are girls. So I just kind of cut it there because Cause I was like, I don't know if we like mesh well, like at least give me a heads up of where you're going. And then November of 2021, me and B started talking again, his friends, we started sleeping together. He's like, not sure what he wants, but like when we're together, yeah, it's like we're dating,

you know, he pays for all the things. We go and do things. He helps me get things out of my storage, all of that. So that's where that is. Well, about a month ago, Jay, the first guy, popped back up. Cancer's gone and he realized he hates his wife. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, he beat colon cancer and he's officially divorced. He popped back on all my social medias.

Not like he added me, like it was just like someone you may know. So I added him back and we've hung out a few times. And I just like don't know what to do with both of them because I really enjoy my time with B, but my connection with J is very different. It's more intense. I would imagine the guys had to face the possibility of dying in divorce. My guess is J is more willing and capable to really have some serious and intimate conversations.

Because, fuck, man, I think when you deal with loss, that's why people I think who you deal with loss like that's why like you know people i think who have broken have dealt with broken hearts or whatever are better at like opening up and going deeper and relate and with conversations because they've had to deal internally with some shit and obviously i can only imagine what it would be like to get diagnosed with cancer and have to go through that and fight. But it's not surprising to hear that you have a deeper intimate connection with Jay than with B, the fuckboy with a lot of friends who are women.

Yeah. And I more so don't know what to do with B because, like I said, when we're together, he acts like we're dating but then we have conversations privately how many lists of this show I'm gonna start asking this very often what do I say oh when it comes to like he acts like they act like they're dating it's like friends with benefits no it's meaningless It doesn't mean anything. Yeah. Is it hard to go out to dinner with people?

Paying for a meal? Like, what is that? Doing a favor? It's not being a boyfriend. It's just doing things. Yeah. And we don't even, like, talk every day. It's not like we're in constant communication.

Being a boyfriend is being a boyfriend. Or being a girlfriend is to be... A a boyfriend is being a boyfriend or being a girlfriend is to be a big part of being a boyfriend or a girlfriend is that commitment, that wanting to do it, acting like a boyfriend. This is a hell I'm dying on because it's just like, we, we take all these like things that we qualify as acting like a boyfriend. So like,

have you ever had a platonic friend where you've met their family yeah does that mean all of a sudden they were acting like your boyfriend no you just met their family have you had a friend who'd pay for a meal yeah or go to target with you know or just like hang out and go to a movie doesn't matter they don't want to be your boyfriend they're're just hanging out. They enjoy your company. That's what he says all the time. Well, that's what it is. It's not even a matter of opinion. It's not even a matter of opinion. That's just a fact. That's what he's doing. He's enjoying your company. It's not that he's acting like your boyfriend. Acting like your boyfriend is to say, I don't want to sleep with other people. I want to commit to you. I want to have expectations

with one another. So yeah, he's not acting like your boyfriend. You're two people hanging out at each other's convenience, sometimes having sex at each other's convenience and helping each other pass the time at each other's convenience. That is not acting like your boyfriend. So like, do I cut him off? Well, I don't know. What do you want? I mean, I cut him off well i don't know what do you want i mean i cut him off for what do you want to date jay i mean what do you want if right now what would your genie in a body i'm a genie i can make a wish come true as it relates to just these two people but you can only have one or you can have none but you can have anything you want within those

two and within those parameters what would you want i'd like to see where things go with j okay so you're over b okay so then i just so and i didn't realize i was to win you know what i mean no i don't like oh well okay so i mean like i didn't realize because i've been only being hanging out with b for months and i haven't seen anybody else just because i for a lack of trying out with b for months and i haven't seen anybody else just because i for a lack of trying pretty much okay and what stopped you from pursuing something with this b guy he doesn't want he doesn't know what he wants he says it all the time i don't know what i want exactly but also he says things like i do see potential in us dating I do see potential in us dating.

That's literally saying nothing. I see potential in us possibly dating. Okay. Until the next time someone says that to you, that was the most useless thing anyone's ever said to me. I will. And they'll be like, what do you mean? Be like, the possibility of what?

Like, what the fuck? I don't. Well, it sounds like, you know, it's not like, it sounds like you can have what you want then. So shut it down. I mean, mean, this is maybe a good thing. So would you date B if he wanted to? If B called you up today and said, change my mind, I want you. I don't know because of J.

Okay, so you don't know. But I think if J called me and was like, let's do this, I'd be like, okay. What do you know about J? Other than the fact that he he might, you know, understandably so might be a bit reactionary and will lean on people he's most comfortable with and maybe even use them. Well, certainly again, facing possible death,

totally understand, but nevertheless, he did drop his wife once he was healthy. That did happen. I mean, yeah, they went through therapy and did all the things for their issues, but it just didn't work out, I guess. But I don't know. I just. I mean, so what's your question?

Like, are you looking for permission? Are you trying to help me like suss it out? You have two situations that a lot of unknowns, you know, a little bit more about b than j you seem like you have a more interest in j but like from what i'm hearing a lot of it might be you have created a story in your head which might turn out to be true it's like falling in love on the bachelor it's just like yeah these feelings are real but i don't know how much like foundation are really like propping up this feeling I'm having.

And I'm just going to have to take a leap of faith and find out. And that's what you have with Jay, it sounds like to me. With B, you have a little bit more information. He's just a fuckboy who doesn't want to commit, and you're kind of over it. Would it be bad to see them both for a little bit until I figure out what is going on or should I? Bad? I don't know. I mean, it sounds like you and Bea have not committed to not sleeping with other people. Not committed, just like discussed. You both have done one of those kind of immature things of pointing out out of sheer convenience that you're not sleeping with other people.

that you're not sleeping with other people. And what you've both given the other person is the opportunity to call the other person out when the other person starts sleeping with someone else and you find out and they go, wait, but we said we weren't sleeping with other people. And the truth is, well, we didn't say we weren't going to, we just said we aren't. And I would be shocked if he doesn't throw that in your face. And, you know, let's be honest, like if he started sleeping with

someone else, would you maybe throw it in his face too? Yeah. I would want to be, I wanted, I would want to know if he was. So, I mean, is it bad? It's not the most honest and forward thing to do. I mean, so like, you just have to decide for yourself, like how high is your character? And I'm not saying that as like a judgment thing. Like you just have to decide for yourself. Do you, like, if you would want to, you know, treat people how you want to be treated. So if you want, if you would want him to tell you, if he started sleeping with someone else so that you could decide for yourself, whether you want to have protected or unprotected sex or, or be intimate

with someone who's also sleeping with other people then give him the same courtesy you want for yourself if you wouldn't want to know then you know i guess you have the option of not telling him i would want to know but what is let me ask you this what's the point of continue to hang out with b at this point like you said convenience. Well, it's starting to get inconvenient because now you like someone else. Right. And I've kind of been exhausted from the dating world lately

of like meeting somebody new. I know. Or take a break. But you've settled that. Like you've been fucking with this one guy. It's fine. He hasn't wanted to commit to you. And for now, you've been putting up with him giving you

less than what you want. That's a choice you made. Now you're willing to end it. That might like, I don't know, who knows, who knows how he's going to react to that. And I don't know how much that's going to change your mind. I think you're better off shutting it down. You might as well use this opportunity. You might as well use your interest in jay to maybe like you know reset b and see how he reacts to you liking someone else that's true might change how you feel about b right it sounds like you're really curious about jay so no matter what happens you're going to give jay like first dibs and like winning your heart but like proceed with caution with jay because you're really excited you have very little information

well yeah that alone can cause you to be hurt and blindsided so i think sleeping with them both is an option but i don't know if that really gets you anywhere and it's just a little messy and it's just like you're just kind of being greedy and having your cake you need it too and if the worst thing that happens is you say goodbye to B you try things out with J you realize that's not going to work out yeah you're back to square one but like we're always back to square one until we find the one you know like yeah i think that's what i was worried about is like if i cut it off with b and it doesn't work out with j then i've cut off you know i feel like b will always be down to have sex yeah probably so and if you like if you shut him down you're

gonna trigger his ego and you taking him back just to have some sex i i'm i'm gonna go ahead and guess he will be open to that. And if he says no to that and he grows up and he's able to check his ego a little bit, all you're not getting is sex with him. All right. Well, I will do that then. I'm just going to go ahead and cut it.

Sounds good. And be honest with him. Thank you so much. Just tell him you met someone else. Okay. All right. All right. Well, thank you. All right. Take care. All be honest with us. Thank you so much. Just tell them you met someone else. Okay. All right. All right. Well, thank you.

All right. Take care. All right. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening. Bye. Bye.

You're crazy.