The Viall Files - E444 Going Deeper - Mediation Caller Special

Episode Date: July 7, 2022

Welcome back to The Viall Files, Going Deeper edition! Today we are switching up our typical Going Deeper format to welcome some Mediation Callers! We bring on friends and couples to help them hash out their disagreements and see what we can do to help them find some common ground. Our first callers are looking for advice on how to deal with the boyfriend going out and drinking while the girlfriend stays home and worries. He finds going out to be the perfect outlet and doesn’t mean to worry his partner, but he finds himself struggling to stay disciplined with communication and promises. Our next callers wrote in about one of them wanting a dog and the other not yet being sure. As they just moved in together, literally 24 hours ago, they wonder if their lives are too busy to get a dog. And with them potentially moving to another state in the future, are there too many roadblocks to commit to a pup? Should they just get a dog and figure it out or wait a beat and make sure they are truly ready? Our last callers were best friends but had a falling out a few years ago. They get back together in the same room for the first time to try to figure out how to mend this relationship right on The Viall Files. They ask how to best get past their issues and move on from the things that occurred and put strain on the friendship. Can they restore their relationship back to what it was before? Or because of the falling out, can they never be as close again.  “It’s okay to have a different kind of friendship.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  Be sure to check out my sports radio show Fandemonium, Wednesdays @ 3PT / 6 ET  on Amazon's Amp app.  Click the link to download Amp using my code NICKVIALL https://apps.apple.com/us/app/amp-host-live-radio-shows/id1586403838 Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: HelixSleep: Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at http://www.HelixSleep.com/viall Mejuri: Make your own day and go to http://www.Mejuri.com Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting episode of vile files hope you had a happy safe fourth of july i spent the weekend with a lot of doctors one of which is an eye doctor and she is just assuming to have a full week after the 4th of July because so many people shoot stuff into their eye with fireworks and other explosives. Protect those eyes.

Wear your protective eye gear. Give your eye doctor a break. I was going to sound like a chastising parent but I was going to be be like don't use fireworks why that makes me so anxious i just feel like it's an explosive it is the two of us from the midwest we're like why not fire it's cool i have a vivid memory belts so i have a lot of family in south dakota and we would go to south dakota for fourth of july because let's be real a lot of things float in South Dakota.

You just run with it. I have a vivid memory of being with my uncle and my sister. And he drove us to like an abandoned RV. That we got into. And shopped for fireworks in like an RV. That this man just like ran this kind of like illegal fireworks store out of an RV. In South Dakota. That's when you get the good ones.

Like a Sparky's. I was like, oh my gosh. You get some definitely illegal shit there. Well, we have literally a special episode for you today. As you guys know, we've done a lot of mediation calls and the texting office hours took off

so much and honestly it's kind of hard to get couples sometimes for scheduling. So we would always record these mediation calls a variety of times. And then we just had a bunch banked. So we're going to play them today for your enjoyment. They're good. They're juicy. They're emotional. They might spark debate. Do you think? I don't know. I'm not sure.

I don't think so. I hope they will. I mean, yeah, we love the discourse. So let us know what you think of this. Maybe, like, we can definitely keep doing mediations. It's just hard to schedule inside other episodes. But let us know what you guys think about this episode. We don't have to ever do it again.

We could say fuck it. Until we get Shane and Natalie in for a mediation. Yep. That'll be the day. I don't know if that will happen. But I'm confident we'll get Natalie here. Manifesting. Oh, okay.

Yeah. I'm pretty confident. I believe you. I feel like on the topic of holidays, something that has near and dear to my heart that I've been thinking of a lot is photos when you're in a relationship or when you're dating someone. Like, when do you start to ask?

Have you taken a picture with Bargai? Do you guys like taking pictures no see that feels weird to me because you're literally boyfriend and girlfriend it's like we've said i love you we have not taken photos did we discuss that we were saying i love you yeah yeah first he did no fucking way am i going first okay because i am because i'm scared because I'm scared progressive woman yeah progressive and ideals not always in practice I'm doing my best I'm a work in progress

what is more progressive than being a work in progress no it was it's not something we throw around yet it's not like a end of every phone call conversation thing so it still feels like meaningful when it's said. Wait, are you suggesting because Natalie and I said,

as you would say, throw it away, it's less meaningful? Not at all. What are you trying to say? Yeah, I'm actually, I don't really think you and Natalie love each other is I think what I'm trying to say here. And I think it's. Our love is more. Your love is a sham yeah my love with Bargain no I just no I meant in reference to my own relationships like with my ex

like you know I feel like you get into a point where in relationships you say I love you every time you hang up the phone you say like you know

you just it's you're so comfortable with it but he won't take pictures with you and now we're worried if he's shooting it's not that he won't

take you've never even like you don't have any selfies or anything no but I've never I will say, again, before any time in the public light of Instagram, you only knew I had a girlfriend because there were pictures of me on Facebook. Because when I was single, I was never like, let's take a picture. I was never like, let's take a picture.

I don't ever remember ever having that thought ever in my life until I went on The Bachelor. The, let's capture this moment. I know the world has changed, like social media in general for everyone, but that was after I had been on a TV show. But prior to that moment, I didn't give a fuck. But not even to post, just to have in your camera roll so you can look at it. Again, I never was like, hey, babe, we should take a picture ever in my life. So I do think that might be something that might have to come from you.

Well, I have tons of photos of him, and I think he's taken photos of me, but we just don't have any together. You're going to have to be like, let's take a photo together. Just have your roommate take a photo of you. Or if you're out, just be like, hey, can you grab? together you're gonna have to be like let's take a photo together just have your roommate like take a photo of you or if you're out just i think that's so much worse to be like why don't you just be like right here and now take a picture of me the whole way no i feel like out no we totally could we totally totally could have someone like wing woman it i just be like you guys are so cute let me grab a photo i'm still i would say i am still in recovery from internalized uh cool girl standards which are just that like anything that feels like asking for something

i get uncomfortable with which is bullshit absolutely i want a photo of us pretending we're in love pretending you're in love with me right now let's take a picture pretend well for a photo i mean like you get what i'm saying well I was gonna ask like well how do you feel like when do you think the first photo that you took with your I remember the first photo I took with Natalie when was that one snapchat what Ali what do you mean Natalie Natalie did questions on her Instagram one day and it was like the first photo you and Nick have together and it was some like selfie snapchat thing in a group and she was like this is before you and Nick have together. And it was some like selfie Snapchat thing in a group. And she was like, this was before people knew we were together.

A group? I don't know. It was like something from 2019. Oh, but there was one of just us. Oh. There was one, there was one we took a selfie and I was like weird about it.

And there was one we took like together in Georgia when I visited her. One was a selfie and one was, that was like a different, I guess I think of that differently. And then having someone else take a picture of us was also like a first I clocked. Yeah, it's definitely

a distinct difference between the selfie versus the, can you please take a photo of us? Yeah, can you take a photo of us? I feel like usually it's like a photo op situation. Yeah, usually it's like organic,

a wedding. So if you don't have like a wedding to situation. Yeah, usually it's like organic, a wedding. Yeah. So if you don't have like a wedding to go to or an event to capture a moment. You want to hear the most, I was going to say the most effed up thing in the world, not even close, but our cousins are both getting married on the same fucking weekends.

Mine in New York, his in Arizona. And he'd asked me, he was like, do you want to go to this wedding with me? And I was like, so badly, yes. But... Oh, no. Is that... So that would have been probably a photo opportunity.

When's that? August. We're going to have to wait till August. Well, I'm not even going to get at that. No, I... It's the kind of thing I could totally be like, hey, I want to have a photo of us. Yes. It's very simple.

And yet... You're saying I love you. I don't to have a photo of us. Yes. It's very simple. And yet, I'm resistant. You're saying I love you. I don't actually have an issue with it. It's just the kind of thing. Like, you can ask for a photo. I've never been like, hey, babe. No. I'm really bad at posing for photos.

Don't pose. Don't pose. Smile. Get a photo. Well, it's easier when you have a partner in a crime in the photo. But like. Just be like, I think you look really good today. And I always look hot.

Let's capture this moment. It doesn't even have to be that formal. Just be like, wait, let's get a pic. Yeah. Toss your phone to someone. Don't overthink it. I suppose it's a moment. But it doesn't need to be.

I mean, yes. To Allie's point, you guys are way behind if you're throwing out l-bombs yeah i've i've never said that in my life and i have photos of people it's not like uh it's not i truly could bring it i've never like been like oh like i really want to bring it up but i'm not i'm too scared to in this moment it's more like the kind of thing where i'm like fuck i want a photo with him when i think about it. I mean, I'm just saying there's a lot of guys who it's just not on their radar. I think that's probably. And so him not asking is not him not wanting one is just.

And I don't think there's been situations where it's like, why didn't he ask to take a photo with? It's more like. I think what it is is that he's not a big social media person. Like he's very present and he's very in the moment. And so I think it feels almost vain, even though it's not, to want to capture memory. There's a part of me that feels like it's sort of like a... You're unnecessarily self-conscious, I think.

Absolutely. And he's not, so that's why it's good balance. I think you should just take a photo with him. I'm going to ambush him next time I see him. So if anyone else listening can relate, just ask for a photo. Just take a photo. Take a photo with him. I'm going to ambush him next time I see him. So if anyone else listening can relate, just ask for a photo. Take a photo. Take a photo. When was the first in a photo that you have with someone you were romantically involved with?

What was the context? It would be my last boyfriend, which I was 20. Yeah, so I was like four-ish, five years ago. Sorry. I just had a revelation, which is that I think my ex made me feel like I was a burden every time I wanted to take a picture together. You know what? Let's just always blame our exes. No.

I'm having a real-time revelation. I'm like, why do I think it's such a big ass? Because my ex would always be like, roll his eyes. So I guess what I'm saying is I'm perfect and a victim. Was he a narcissist? Not at all. He's a lovely dude. No, I'm thinking is I'm perfect and a victim. Was he a narcissist? Not at all. He's a lovely dude. Now I'm thinking about it.

Natalie didn't ask. She was just like, I want a picture with you. And I was like, okay. That goes along with everything you've told us about Natalie. She doesn't ask. She tells. Yeah. Great.

We got a great episode. We do. Mediation, everybody. Mediation. Bachelor premiering next week. Bachelorette. Oh, next week, Natalie and I. Bachelor premiering next week. Bachelorette. Oh, next week,

Natalie and I will be podcasting from Europe. Little Nick and Natalie on the road. I want to miss that for going deeper. Allie and Amanda will be in studio. Natalie and I will be abroad. All right, let's get to our episode. How's it going? Good, how are you?

Good. What are your guys' names? Sarah. Scott. How old are you guys names sarah scott uh how old are you guys i am 26 turning 27 in about a week i'm 29 turning 30 in december all right well happy birthday to coming up uh are you guys uh married dating living together We are dating and we're living together. All right. Who wants to start? Well, we moved in in January. So we've been living together for a couple months. Okay.

And I guess we have just been having some issues kind of adjusting to each other's lifestyles because we are a bit different um he kind of likes to go out more and i kind of like to stay in okay um so i guess that's like a big you guys how long you guys been dating for um about five years okay uh and moving in together was based off of what mostly the desire to move in well i'll take i'll take that to move on for the first year I met her she didn't give me a time of day so I tried for a year hard and she finally did and I made sure to lock her down and so for three years I lived on my own she was at home and the fourth year I really bugged her about it. I was like, I need you to be with me.

I want you to be with me. I want a different life. I want us to live together. And so by the fifth year, she finally took the step. She did all the move out. And now we're in a beautiful place together. She decorated it all. And I love it. But yeah, I made that step for us, but she

made the ultimate decision to do that step. It was your idea. You wanted it. She agreed to it. You like going out. You don't like going out as much. And I'm assuming that's causing disagreements. Well, specifically, I would say it's more during

the week. Cause I like to have more of like a routine during the week. I don't really like to drink during the week. Cause like, I don't want to go to work hungover and stuff like that. And he, cause like on the weekends, like I'm fine to do whatever, but it's during the week. That's kind of the problem. And what was this, like you guys have been together for five years. And I know you didn't live together, but I'm assuming you guys spent some nights together. Yeah, a lot. A lot. Because before we were together like.

Three to four, one of the seven. Yeah. So you were already spending a ton of time together. And so what was that expectation when you weren't living together, but dating? Well, that's also too the thing that I'm, I, it seems to be that he's going out actually more frequently than before. It seems or he is, I guess. Well, he is.

Okay. And I think. Do you agree with that? I don't agree with that. You don't agree with that. I mean, you weren't, you weren't around, so you didn't know if I went out or not. Well, I wasn't, oh well i was not around for

two nights so yeah you were going out for those two well you were going out for those two nights but it seems like it's more than two is it possible do we agree that it's not so much that it's like drastically different it might be slightly different it seems like it might be more different but it a possible explanation could be that instead of spending four nights together a week, you're spending every night together a week. And, and probably I'm guessing that you, you spent most of your weekends together and some of your weekdays together. Yeah. So the weekdays that you specify that you have, uh, more of an issue with those were the nights where you, you were at least spending some time apart and it possibly could be explained

by you noticing it more rather than it happening. I think that's definitely probably the problem. It's kind of also true. Like what's going on when he does go out. Okay. That's like kind of bothering me. What such as? So, well, I mean, he's been drinking a lot i would say what's a lot do you agree with that scott i do i do i do agree with

that okay and i feel like the people like that he's spending time with are not the best influences and your friends really late what your friends are the randoms like who are these people well they're they're co-workers so they're not friends he says but you gotta you gotta shake it up with the co-workers sometimes is it like networking or like and so from your point of view scott are you networking or are you just having you just have you found some drinking buddies i could kind of lie and say it's networking and we want the truth yeah yeah so the truth would be at the end of the day my not networking right has led me to opportunities that have made our life a lot better okay at the end of the day it wasn't networking it's more of being personable and somebody that we,

I can connect to and I get connections from that. So to an extent it's networking, but so maybe your initial attempt is, is not like, Hey babe, I have to do like, you are an extroverted person. It sounds like who enjoys having a few drinks with some people who also having

a few drinks and let loose. And, and Sarah, you might be more slightly, I don't know, maybe you're not even introverted. I don't know, but Scott definitely sounds extroverted. He enjoys it. And a benefit of you being extroverted with people you drink with or go to the bars with has led to some opportunities, but it might, it's not the reason you're doing where some people are like, I fucking hate this, but I have to do it because it's like, I fucking hate golf, but like, Hey, the deals happen on the golf courses or whatever. Uh, it's not, it's not that. No. Yeah. Okay. Helix sleep. You heard me talk about them. I don't know. Like, listen, there's definitely a few people listening to this show right now that are in the market for a mattress. And if you don't get a Helix mattress, you're, well, I don't know, you don't trust me for one.

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That's helixsleep.com slash V-I-A-L-L for up to $200 off and two free pillows. Mejuri. That's right. They do fine jewelry differently. Natalie loves it. I just keep getting her Mejuri jewelry and she just keeps asking for more. What a diva.

That's a gifts love language right there. Mejuri has the Natalie Joy gold stamp of approval. I completely agree. When we got the email, first of all, I was thrilled. I was like, yes, this is so exciting. And second of all, I spent so long on their website because there's all of it. There's no skips on this website. They're all like really good. It's a good combination of kind of like basic neutrals that you can style a bunch of different ways, but they're still like flair and they look good. The hard part about jewelry too is because obviously it can be pricey. And so if you

don't feel like you're breaking the bank, you're like, you're worried about not getting high quality. But like with Mejuri, like that's not the case. They feature responsibly sourced diamonds and recycled 14 karat solid gold pieces you can sweat, shower and sleep in. I've been in yoga class and realized in downward dog, my necklace hits me in the chin and I'm like, oh no, is it going to get ruined? Yeah, their 14 karat gold doesn't oxidize. So you'll never experience that kind of those green fingers

that so many people do with jewelry. They do fine jewelry differently by celebrating every day, not just the big moments. So it's a great piece of jewelry to get for yourself because you got a promotion, maybe for a friend, you know, maybe you just want to brighten their day. Make your day and go to Mejuri.com. That's M-E-J-U-R-I.com. I'm curious, Sarah, if you knew that he hated it, but it was also like that he had a job that it was required, do you think you would have more understanding about it? I think that I would, because if it was more of like a networking situation, I feel like he wouldn't be drinking to that degree. Because that's where it's like, I agree with what he's saying,

but at the same time, it's not a professional environment because of the amount that is getting consumed. Are you coming home wasted most of the time, Scott? More than not, I would say. All right. And Sarah, are you a drinker on the weekends? Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. And even sometimes I do do kind of like, it just is, can't be like so frequent for me. Like if it's just like,

you're not, you're not as big of a drinker as Scott. I'm not a big drinker. So like, yeah, she, she, she tells me, she's like, I'll take two shots and I'm good for the whole night. Well, yeah, I'm kind of a lightweight too on top of this. All right. We're going to have to compromise on some level here. That's what you're talking about, yeah. Yeah.

So on your side, Scott, you wanted this. Like you wanted to advance the relationship. You and your kind of like speech were like, hey, I met her. I fought for her. And then I wanted to advance it. I wanted her to move in. I don't know if you guys have talked about like marriage or engagements or things like that, but it sounds like you guys are a couple that's like planning for the future. Right. And all relationships as, as you guys become more one, like, I think maintaining your

level of independence is always important in any relationship in any stage i don't care if you're married with kids like you need to have something for yourself but that being said the more one you become the more you have to give up on other aspects of your you know your independence your personal life things you did with your buddies when you were younger we can all agree that it might even be the same. Like it's not even worse in terms of like how much you're going out, but even the same for Sarah might be too much. And it wasn't too much back in the day because well, it was out of sight, out of mind. But even though it's out of sight, out of mind, it's still the life Scott that you wanted to have. Right. So it's still the life scott that you wanted to have right so it's like my biggest thing i think

it's not because it's like you wanted me here and now i feel like i'm being like left alone a lot yeah so there's a compromise so like you saying well i've always done this is not would not be fair i'm not saying you are saying that but like the idea that like hey because i don't know how much you guys have fought over if it's happening more or less i guess you guys have probably but to me from a third party that sounds like a fight that's a complete waste of both your time because that's not really the issue it's just something to fight over it's like sometimes when we fight when we're like losing one aspect of a fight we will we'll just like well what about this you're actually going out more and i don't know if

this is what you guys are fighting about like but every couple does this on some level and i'm just saying it just sounds like a giant waste of your time because it's not really the point right and i understand that from sarah's standpoint that it might not be more, but I'm seeing it more and, and you wanted this. So on some level, it would make sense to me that, uh, a compromise needs to be made. And from your side, Scott, it seems like you could be open to the possibility of, you know, decreasing the amount of times that you are out hanging out with coworkers, friends, whoever you're hanging out with and drinking and spending more quality time with the person you wanted to live with.

That's fair to say. That's, yeah, that's how I feel because I don't know. I just feel like. It's fair, but I think. I just feel like he wanted me here and, but he wants, just wants to like come back to me. Like he's not willing to put in the extra time now that I'm here all the time. Well, I guess what the question for you, though, Sarah, is, are you also willing to compromise?

Because it doesn't do much if you're just like, I want you to stop doing this. I understand that, but the thing about it, too, is that I get worried about if he's going to go drive or whatever. Because the other night, I was like, I was not at home. Do you have a history? Have you ever done that, Scott? Yes, I do. Okay, so that's a valid concern. It is valid.

I validate that. And then the other night, he was out. He kept pushing the time back, and then his phone died so of course my mind's going to he got pulled over he got in an accident whatever so it's like i like i understand that i need to compromise but it's like there's like a safety concern too on my end which we talked about yeah i said if i can come come to you and say that yeah i don't feel comfortable driving and not be judged, then we can work with that.

And I thought we came to an agreement. There is that. What about Ubers? Are Ubers a possibility? It's a little pricey, but that's why I came to her and I said that. Well, I mean, Scott, it's the cost of doing business, though. That's true, too. Right, exactly.

If you're going to do that, that's what I do. That's my fault. You're right. It's still an option. What's not an option is you drinking under the influence. Not at all. You're right. It's still an option. What's not an option is you drinking under the influence. So you're right. So Uber and like, Hey,

and maybe that, maybe that helps you from not like, you know, it also costs a lot of money. Booze. Right. Exactly. That's my other thing.

It's like, I, cause he tells me that to go out during the day with other people or whatever. And I'm like, personally, I don't have the funds to be hanging out with people every day of the week. I need to be home saving money. Sure. But that's where you probably are saying things, I'm guessing, to trigger Scott,

where you could probably not say things. Again, we're just trying to compromise here. But Scott, you could... As a third party i don't buy the cost of an uber being a valid excuse because like that's like maybe two drinks and and maybe two less drinks is probably better for everybody maybe of course yeah so i just think something that you need to hold yourself accountable for because like listen you could save yourself a lot of headache by just doing the responsible thing that she's just like she's not trying to nag you she's just worried about you and it kind of times it might it might sound like nagging uh because she has to repeat herself i feel like sometimes it could be an excuse though what do you mean like so some days i

won't drink at all she'll i'll come home and she'll be like, you drank, you stayed out late. So at the end of the night, you know, like some nights she's validated, but other nights she's accusing. So some days it's not happening. No, not at all. And so what do you say to that, Sarah? Well, like I, well, like I told him, it's like, I feel like there's a little trust been lost because in the past he's lied about it. So that's what I feel like.

That's why it's like, I understand what he's saying, but it's like, there's been some trust lost in the process because he's lied about it before. Okay. Which you're nodding yes. What do you guys think? Because like, listen, you guys are in this relationship. You guys live together you've lied before trust has been broken but at the same time this is something where

i understand what it's like listen i'm a big believer i'm more team sarah here in the sense that like just because you got caught in a lie and you're afraid that your partner might be mad at you is not a reason to lie right like just yeah. Like you kind of have to own that. I could take some responsibility for that, that like maybe I have been a little bit harsh and that's why he feels like he needs a lot. But I think what you guys need to try to do is to agree on some boundaries on what this is. And negotiation the only successful ones is when you both feel a little dissatisfied about how much you have to give up so if you guys are both willing to compromise you both kind of need to feel annoyed by what you've agreed to right listen as someone who's

not a big drinker i can empathize with sarah how it can be a challenge sometimes when you're dealing with someone who's drunk and you're sober. It's annoying. It's not fun. Yeah, that's what she says, that word, annoying. It can be frustrating. And so you just got to help your partner out. And again, a lot of it is trust. trust that it's it's probably more trust that she can that that you are capable of having two less drinks to afford an uber you know or not have enough drinks where you you know you have two

drinks you wait around and you are capable of driving home it's just showing that kind of ability to like make those choices rather than being like i I'm going out. I'll be honest. I don't know what's going to happen. Right. Exactly. Yeah. And I like, I have a lot of buddies. I totally, a lot of my best friends, I relate to Scott where it's just like, Hey man, like YOLO, I'm going to be present. I'm going to live in that moment. And that moment might be a round of beers and a shot. And I don't say no to a round of beers and a shot. So you guys't say no to a round of beers and a shot. So you guys are going to have to decide what's reasonable for you guys. Here's what never works. Drastic, like, I'm never going to, like, if you're someone who's regularly going out with

his buddies and then all of a sudden you're like, I'm never going to, I'm not going to drink on the weekdays. I already would have been like, that's not realistic. I mean, Sarah, if I were you, I wouldn't have let him make that promise to you. That was an opportunity for you to say, I'm not asking that. And I don't want you to feel like you can't do that. But like, what would, what I would really appreciate it is I would really appreciate you like making a concerted effort to drastically reduce that but if if something comes up and you want to go out that's fine but like just talk with me about it and more than anything just promise me you're being smart and

responsible and safe yeah you know and like also like can you can you go out and drink scott without getting wasted you know i have i have done it yeah and i think it's like more often than not it's like to an extreme level yeah because like you know you're at an age scott where it's you know it's one thing when you're in college and drink with your buddies but like you're at an age that your, your, your partner is probably going to be wondering, is this going to be something that I have to deal with forever? And you guys are sick. And once you guys started having kids,

like, uh, it's going to be a challenge. So reducing it and being more responsible with your drinking would go a long way. And you probably, my guess is, feel a lot more freedom in your choices because I get where you're coming from, Scott. Now it just feels like you can't be yourself. You don't have a partner. You have a parent. You have a watchdog. You have someone who's just constantly you have to answer

to. But it doesn't sound like she really wants to be that person i'm guessing the drinking is a little bit of an outlet for you to unwind it's my personal outlet i would say yeah i had an idea for a potential compromise because it sounds like scott enjoys going out like he said it's his personal outlet and what drives sarah crazy is less so him going out but the waiting up at night the the safety element, the driving element. So what if the issue is like, what if you could just agree that Scott does not drive? He has to take an Uber both ways if he wants to go out. So then Sarah knows that he's not driving home. I mean, I know it's expensive, but so is a DUI or putting someone in the hospital.

So, I mean, in that way, he can still go out. Sarah can go to bed knowing that he's going to be coming home safely not behind the wheel of a car and then as they continue therapy they can dive more into it but in the meantime that could be an easy fix maybe i think i think that's great and also yeah i don't think money is an excuse because that's true you can spend less on other things like that's your thing if that's your outlet and you think you're drinking responsibly enough and like whatever, but like you're just,

you can guarantee your safety 60 bucks. I don't know, you know, Uber both ways. What, what, you know, like then you,

you know, either you drink a little bit less at the bar or other things you're spending on bet. Now you just budget for it. You just, it's just call your Uber fund, whatever it is, you know spending on bet now, you just budget for it. You just, it's just call it your Uber fund, whatever it is, you know, and you just, you eat, you just accept that cost

because to Ali's point, like it can be, that's peace of mind. Like don't think of it as the cost of an Uber. Think about is things, you know, something you won't have to fight about with Sarah, your safety, not getting a DUI, not putting other people at risks, not getting, you know, you want to fight about with sarah your safety not getting a dui not putting other people at risk not getting you know uh all those things that's that's a great deal priceless yeah all right oh i don't know if this was helpful yeah it was helpful it was nice to hear it all out

actually yeah oh good well take it easy on each other, man. I mean, like that's the big thing. There's a lot of, there's obviously you guys both want this to work out. It sounds like. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. So,

you know, don't be afraid to compliment each other. Sarah, maybe tell him things. He's like, you're really proud of once in a while. Maybe that make that a habit with both of you. I try to. She does. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure'm sure just and maybe you guys just do that a lot you know get

in the habit of doing that um and we always like to end these things with saying something you guys really appreciate about one another i was prepared for this so sorry about that bud um i would say, I think my favorite thing about you is your optimism and how you see the magic in the world still. That's beautiful. All right, you're up, Scott. The thing I most appreciate about you is the endless love you give me. The endless try. I don't know the right word for that try but i know and i see it and i feel it you give me everything of you and i just i constantly want to do better and that's

what i'm trying for because i want to do that for you that's so sweet amanda's about to cry oh my god don't cry he's crying i love you guys i'm crying no there's a lot of love there and uh this is a man shoot you guys you guys remind me a lot of my friends growing up and uh all right so ubers and and compliments that's yeah the big takeaways that's our remedy. I know it's not an easy conversation. Scott, you're obviously very open and vulnerable. I appreciate it.

Not easy to do. So big props to you, buddy. Thanks, man. Thanks, man. All right. Take care, guys. All right. You too.

I appreciate it. Bye. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. My name's Lindsay. I'm 25, and this is my girlfriend maddie and she's 24 all right lindsey and maddie 25 24 uh who want who wants to start we just moved in together just moved in okay yes yes yesterday yesterday yes yes all right congrats thank you very excited uh all right so what uh what is the issue that i can we can try to help with yeah of course um so not not an issue maybe um but

a discussion we've had okay since we got together was always that lindsey wants a dog she's always i knew that being in a committed relationship, like we would be getting a dog at some point. She grew up with like the most perfect Golden who was so well-trained. I grew up with no pets, but I'm definitely open to it. I'd call myself like neutral on dogs generally. And I love the ones that I do love.

But since moving in together and kind of taking that extra commitment step she is bringing up the conversation more as a present conversation than something in the future wanting to get a pet as soon as possible and I'm more in the you know we're still an apartment an apartment we travel most know, kind of, why don't we wait until we're settled a little bit more? But I think that the push is that she wants more of a, okay, when is that waiting? Whereas I'm more of, let's just push it off. Sure. What does settling look like to you? I think I want more time getting used to living together. Um, you know, we're really excited. This past 24 hours has been great, but, you know, want to get used to living together.

And then ideally, I think I would like a little more space. Um, but as, as she's pointed out, you know, we could be in an apartment for the next five, six years. Does that mean we wait until we get a house in our thirties or what does that look like? So I guess I don't really have that answer besides it seems too soon now. Okay. What are your thoughts, Lindsay? I just don't want to wait until like, so we're in an apartment now we're thinking about, and our city is pretty like, I think it's pretty easy to have a dog here, but we're in an apartment and then we're thinking about moving to New York within the next year or two and so that obviously comes with challenges as well with the dog but then we'd be in New York for like three to five years and so that means we wouldn't have a dog

until like eight years or whatever and I just like don't want to like wait that long and so it's more of a conversation of like when does it make sense and I'm I'm thinking like I just don't want to wait till logistics make it easy like let's just do it and then deal with whatever happens after that you know interestingly enough I I relate to this story I'm maddie in this situation um so I I'm allergic to most dogs and so I grew up uh well as a kid I always really wanted to get a dog and then I just got itchy and so most of my life like I like dogs but like most dogs make me itchy I'm not normally like oh dog you know like rubbing my face in it right so like I've I've grown to have like an understanding with dogs like we're like we're cool but we're not like besties but i've always you know in the back of my mind i always thought to myself like i wanted to get a dog i want to get

a dog and then finally after i bought my house i found a dog that was hyper allergenic and now it's like the love of my life and like i have a tattoo of them and like we're best friends and like i decided to buy the dog even though like like Natalie and I got the dog together. Like I bought it and I kind of made it my own just because it's like some of those things, too. You know, we live together. We're not married. Not that I'm planning on us breaking up, but it's just more like a weird thing to kind of like split everything. That's a whole other issue.

But this is not necessarily good for you maddie but i thought to myself thank god i have a house because i couldn't imagine having a dog in an apartment now that being said i would have made it work and jeff is like the best well-behaved dog do you have any idea what type of dog you would want lindsey i want a golden retriever. I had a golden retriever when I was growing up. And I mean, that's kind of the only dog. They're good dogs.

Yeah. And you're not like allergic or anything, right? No, I'm not allergic. I think because I never had a pet, like the training and everything else kind of scares me and is daunting. And I think especially being in an apartment, we would need to. Lindsay has said her dad is the best dog trainer in the world and he'll come like live with us for a couple weeks and make it work which I don't know how you feel about Lindsay's dad but like that's two weeks of like he's great yeah I just yeah I love him like two weeks it's like okay

yeah I just feel like we could make it work we would train it really well we would like i don't know i just feel like there's not a ton of barriers but then i guess the biggest thing is moving to new york well i'm just spitballing here i'm not necessarily i'm just so i'm here's a couple things i'm thinking one uh i think getting a dog uh before you move to new york would actually be easier on both you and the dog because ideally he would be trained before he goes to New York I think it'd be harder maybe in New York less space more inconvenient to take him out I don't know make it sound like your situation now is a little bit more convenient New York's not known as the most convenient place in the world it is

I love it but it's just not overly convenient. Yeah. So there's that. I do also think though, however, it makes sense to say we moved in together yesterday. Let's just like, let it breathe for a minute.

So that's a valid feeling at the same time, like getting a dog together could be something you guys, like it could be like the christening of your move in if all things go well like it's a bit of a risk but i mean you're you're i mean i'm incredibly biased here because like i was really nervous getting jeff and i was nervous about like how in how inconvenience would be to my life i was just nervous about how much I would bond with him. Like, would it just be like, uh, and I, and like you, it's just like, I, I've seen a lot of people get dogs. They don't have the time for, aren't responsible enough to care for dogs. It was just more like, I want a dog and like for the gram or

whatever. And, and they spend a lot of time like leaving their dog at home or putting it up and they're traveling. And I always thought that was kind of selfish of, you know, some people I know who got dogs. So there's a lot of variables at play, but it was the greatest thing I ever did. And it's something like, I will say something that Natalie and I enjoy doing together. Like it is like a, it feels like I'm not comparing it to having a kid, but there is an element of, we see each other take care of Jeff and there's a level of like, oh, that's cute. You know, kind of seeing each other being nurturing and like bonding together. I definitely feel like getting Jeff has brought us closer together and just like, kind of, it feels like a family. It's, it's nice. There's a little bit of of a playing house element to it but it's been all in that positive for me as someone who is very reluctant on getting a dog yeah i think that's where some of my hesitation comes from too is like um like you said like you're the one who got jeff and took ownership of that like i think that would be the case with lindsey like i i would view it as something we were doing together but like ultimately you know we're not engaged we're not getting married like it would be um her dog

but I you know we both don't work from home we both go into work I travel a lot for work I I'm a little worried about like me not being able to me being more like you know the people you know that you mentioned that maybe aren't in a good place to help. And I think Lindsay is, but I don't want it to just be like, okay, you do this thing and I'll hang out. Well, I mean, it's, well, yeah, but it's a little different because you're the one who's not as eager to get the dog. So there's some upfront expectations here where Lindsay's like, this is something I want.

I would love for you to do it with me. I'm willing and able to do this and help when and if you can. It sounds like when you're not traveling and when you're not at the office, it doesn't sound like you plan on being... Because some people would be like, fine, get a dog. I want nothing to do with it. I'm not feeding it. I'm not taking it out. I'm not whatever. No, that's definitely not. Yeah. And you're not doing that. You're going're gonna help when you can unless you think low-key like lindsey's the type of person who like excitedly would some people are like that and i'm lindsey

i'm not suggesting you're yeah anyway but there are some people who would be like more impulsive people and then their partners are the responsible ones the impulsive person wants to get the dog because you know they just want a dog giving no thought to like what it takes to like have a dog and then the responsible person ends up being the one who's taking care of the dog so you know i think that's something you guys have to decide whether that's something you know you're a little concerned with but you know if lindsey is the one who really will take ownership of this i think that would be the case i feel like i am like i'm the one i like to do that kind of stuff i would take care of it i feel like i'm not thinking about maybe like

everything that goes into it but i'm more just like it'll work out and i'll i'll do it as it comes yeah your guys's biggest thing is the travel too and not being home. Like, you know, like Natalie and I are both really busy, but like I also spend a lot of time at home. We like, we're lucky enough to have Cindy who like lives down the street. Who's like essentially our housekeeper who like comes by with her dog and play like, so like we've created this nice

little environment so for Jeff but like that does make it easier I would definitely feel bad if we had like both like the nine to fives and like Monday through Friday and so like I a lot of the work I do is from home and like Natalie has a a flexible schedule like some days she's really busy like today just on on on tuesdays tuesdays just home by himself for like half the day but actually right now cindy's coming over with her his his playmate so like we've just developed a situation that it works out but yeah i think we as our lives are right now in our careers are right now have the ability to, to make kind of a situation like that, where we kind of can fall into routine. But we're also in, in my opinion, like a period of pretty big flux, just moving in together. Lindsay's graduating

soon, potentially starting a new job. You know, I'm still traveling a lot for work so i think like what lindsey has said like we can make the logistics work as it is now what what makes me nervous is how much things might be changing over the next couple years yeah i mean other than the dog is everything i mean it's only been a day but like fighting like are you guys it's pretty pretty solid situation yeah no we don't really we're we kind of were saying last night after moving together like this is really fun now like when does the other shoe drop but hopefully it doesn't yeah it doesn't necessarily have to i mean eventually you're gonna you guys have been together for how long uh about a year and a half well we were really good friends before then she actually got a lot of advice from your podcast

on how to transition from friendship to dating, which was helpful. Yay. I'm glad I could help. But you've had a big fight before? Ever? Not a big fight. Not really.

More just conversations about our relationship, but not a fight. yeah someday that'll someday that'll happen yeah we know that that isn't gonna last yeah yeah you guys at some point gonna have some weird fight that's gonna feel make you feel distant and it's gonna be scary that's just inevitable right and so there's no it makes no point in sitting out out there like wondering what's going to be the thing that causes this you know what i'm saying like well if you get a dog and we're gonna end up fighting over a dog if we when you we moved in new york or whatever um in my experience it's always the dumbest shit who like that you it won't be any of those things

right because when it comes to new york it sounds you're both excited even if it's a dog like it doesn't sound like it's really going to be like i like what's the worst that could happen getting the dog um i think potential i don't know like it feels like a harsh word like resentment whether it's me being like oh actually this you know dog that i didn't want very much is now taking up so much of my space. Or whether it's Lindsay was ending that maybe I'm not helping as much as I could be. And those aren't things like I feel like in our relationship, we haven't held things against each other in that way. We're pretty good about talking about it. I think it's part of what you're kind of getting out with the fights.

Like I'm nervous to have that first thing. Sure. Yeah. I don't want to add factors to make it. And honestly, as much as like we say, it's just like, Oh,

Lindsay's like, Oh no, I want the dog and I'll be the one who takes care of it. And like, do what you can when you want to. It's, it's not really that simple just because, you know,

I don't know what you guys have planned for your future or family planning or not. But when you see someone like take care of something, like it just, and if they don't want to help, like you, you might've agreed that like she didn't want to help, but all of a sudden you're just like, but you should want to help, you know, like, and then it might bother you. And like, I get where that can be nerve wracking, you know, again, I'm biased. it was just really net positive for me and i like i ended up being the one who really enjoyed taking care of like i i love taking

care of jeff like i enjoy waking up and feeding him and like taking him out like i enjoy brushing him like i enjoy taking care of him he's like my pal and so, you might be surprised. You might end up being the one who really connects with the dog as much as Lindsay, you know? So that's possible too. Like the worst case is you don't connect with the dog as much. And, and that's the real issue right now is you're so busy. There's a level of guilt around, you know, the dog inconveniencing your life but knowing that you have to take care of this dog that's the big thing but i don't think i'm worried that we would get a dog and not take care of it it's more what how it would impact us otherwise well like social life well that's what i'm saying it's like not that you wouldn't take care of it. It's just that you would take care of it and you would be annoyed that you have to.

Yeah. Yeah. You know. Potentially, yeah. But like, you know, we've had Jeff for a year now and we just started, like, we kettle trained him, which kettle train your dog if you get a dog. Like a dog, they like kennels. They're cave dwellers. So like, they're cave dwellers so like they're comfortable there but we recently just started like leaving jeff out you know outside of his kennel when we're gone for extended periods of time we just close all the doors he he doesn't hasn't fucked anything up and so like now he's like pretty chill for most of the day and like he's fine you know like and so like it hasn't stopped us from like having fun when we go out not big partiers and we don't go out a ton so like it hasn't stopped us from like having fun when we go out. We're not big partiers and we don't go out a ton.

So like it hasn't really been a big inconvenience. I was very worried about the inconvenience. Very worried. And now it's, I'm not worried at all. It is rare on the weekends that we're away from the house for that long without coming home. And I will tell you what, I don't know. long without coming home and i i will tell you what i don't know if if you ever like leaving a party early there is no better excuse than we have to feed the dog our friends are like often leaving because they have to go take care of their dogs and she's like well i don't want to have to

do that no my truth is your friends are leaving because they want to leave the party i'm telling you half half the people who say they have to like feed their dog they just want to leave and they blame it on their dog i have learned that as a dog owner that it's just like oh nope gotta feed the dog and what we want to do is just go home yeah yeah i've that's fair i could see us using that yeah it's awesome we use it all the time and that has become more the reality of far like i don't ever remember a time being like i want to stay out but i have to leave because of jeff now again we don't go out a ton i just had two things to consider and one suggestion um one i know you're talking about a golden retriever i would just consider like if you i don't know how far you are from new york if you're talking about a golden retriever i would just consider like if

you i don't know how far you are from new york if you're planning on flying or driving currently because of covid no dogs can go underneath the plane so if he's too big to go underneath the seat something to consider two just thinking through like finances of like vet and stuff like that like i adopted a dog when i was a senior in college, which is like a weird time to do that. And it's definitely a financial commitment. And three, something that I did in college and something that I've encouraged my friends to do and now my sister and her fiance are doing is fostering a dog first. It's not only like a good thing to do and like get a dog out of a shelter and give it time at home, but it could be a really nice trial run for you guys to figure out if your schedule does work for it, what it's like taking it out all the time from your apartment, going through an elevator.

Like it's just a really nice thing to run through and maybe even evaluating, you know, what size is too big for your apartment. If you want a smaller dog, if you want an older dog or younger dog, I fostered a dog in college that was really big and was a puppy. And I was like, I can't potty train it in between classes so then I ended up getting an older smaller dog that's like my soulmate so something to consider if there's like a local animal shelter or a rescue that does that in your area I think it's a nice way to get that trial run and then if it's not a fit for you it's not a fit these are all good points good things to consider I do think the plain ones a real thing if you're moving to New York. Yeah, I think we would drive.

We're in the southeast. You'd make it work. Yeah. All right. Well, hopefully this was helpful. Yeah, I think it was. I think you should get the dog. I think I still want it.

Give it six months. If I was picking right now, I'd say three to six months to just get living together routines down. And then I think that this conversation has made me more open. So I guess it's a win for Lindsay. Yeah. I mean, again, I,

I was really reluctant. This is the first time we talked about it since like the first time I brought it up, we saved it all for the podcast. So she said we weren't allowed to talk about it i really appreciate you guys calling in now we've been looking forward to this one so uh yes we really appreciate it congrats on moving in um thank you keep your independence this is my only yeah advice when it comes i think we're pretty good at that we're gonna check yeah awesome all right well thank you for calling in good luck ladies

uh congrats thank you uh if you ever get a dog let us know give us an update and uh all the best to both of you thank you all right take care bye thanks how's it going? Great. My name is Beth and I'm 25. And I'm Sarah and I'm 26. All right. Who wants to start and explain what's going on and what the goal is? We've been friends for quite a few years. I can't remember exactly how long. Four years. Well, so we were friends for like almost three years we met at college she would have partners and then um just kind of started becoming friends through their through boys dating relationship advice all that started like doing school work together okay so you've

been friends for a handful of years right yeah about two years and then and we had a falling out um new year's eve 2020 uh so a while ago yeah and we just started the hey today today okay i feel like this is the first time you guys seen each other in person since yes yes since then probably it was like a month after the new york trip we like tried to meet up at a coffee shop and talk to each other and I feel like we both lied to each other to make sure hands and like walk away and you got together to have this call is that yeah yeah I it was she snapchatted me yesterday and said like hey um I know it's been a while but I wanted to reach out to you we have the same work profession and she was like uh I actually just want to talk to you about work stuff. And I responded with a big old fat message saying, hey, I know you don't want to talk about work.

I think we definitely need to talk about what happened two years ago. And I actually think we should do it on this show. And you reaching out to me, I kind of wanted you to reach out to me because, you know, I've been thinking about it. It's kind of a sign. Okay, great. I'm honored. Thanks for trusting me with this all right so who wants to tell give a little backstory in terms of the falling out so i feel like we had i guess a couple issues like with boys before the trip it was like october september i had broken up with um a boyfriend and we were going out and I went out

with a new guy and she I guess felt the need to like call my ex and tell him I was going out with this new guy and he called my mom my ex called my mom and told her that I was staying at some random guy from the club's house tonight and And my mom texted me and said, hey, sweetie, I know where you are. I know you're safe, but I guess your best friend told your ex that you were out with some boy. And I told both of them to stay out of your business. Gotcha.

Do you agree with that assessment? Absolutely not. Yeah. I'm sensing that you have a different version of that story. Yes. Okay. So the club's around here. Cl close like around 3 a.m. And I think it was like 4-ish a.m.

I get a call from her ex. It's in the middle of night. I'm dead asleep. I didn't go out. Or if I did, I got home earlier. I don't remember. It's been forever. I was just dead asleep.

And she knows I sleep like a zombie. So I just answered the phone. Didn't even look at who is it. It's they're calling me in the middle of the night. It must be important. Apparently she said that she was going to be at my house or something. And he's like, can I speak to her? And I was like, yeah, sure.

But she's in the other room sleeping. Cause I didn't know what to say. And then he kept like badgering that. I look, I know she's not there. And just let me talk to her. You know, I've been calling her phone and you sound like you just woke up. up. No, she's not there. Just let me talk to her. I've been calling her phone. And you sound like you just woke up. You're like, I know she's not there or something.

I get that she was trying to cover my back. I felt like she had a long conversation with my ex about I don't know what. Because we did end up talking. Later that night, he called back. Because he was going to show up to her mom's house. Okay. Where she was currently staying at the time. Yeah.

And I was like, like dude you sound drunk you need to let it go just you know just trying to de-escalate the situation i just felt like she was intentionally trying to like seed my ex with information to set fires in my life why do you feel that way because i i just feel like she um and she's kind of admitted it now which i obviously but that she kind of would get a little bit like jealous of my relationships in my time that i would obviously spend too much time with my boyfriends versus her so do you agree do you agree with that like you felt i did feel a little jealous at times like she was studying for some pretty big tests within a very intense program at school and you

know then she had the new relationship and all of that together like i got zero time except for like you know here and there and it was kind of like to her convenience so i did i was jealous about it especially when it came to like the new relationships because so i got cast aside for basically a stranger you and how old were you how old were you two around this is like two or three years ago you're 23 24 so you missed each other you missed her friendship and you went about it in a way that was not the most productive you let your frustrations of missing her kind of cloud your judgment a little bit in terms of your loyalty to your friend. You acknowledged that you felt some insecurities about the relationship, right? And

now it comes down to you. Well, yeah, I didn't really have those insecurities yet because that was the first night. This happens again. So I'm dating a new guy now. And a little bit later, a couple months later, I'm at the beach with her another girlfriend. And the same ex-boyfriend calls me and wants to come talk and have a serious talk. He's the one wanting to get back together. And I'm like ready to smash it for good. So I'm like, yeah, let's do this. He comes and picks me up.

They try saying no. And I'm like, guys, I want to get this over with. Like this dude will not leave me alone unless I just give him one final conversation. We leave and it's like a four hour conversation on the beach. We're walking and talking and my phone is like dies to the end of it. Basically, I didn't trust him. She told my current boyfriend then that I was physically talking to my ex and at the beach somewhere trying to hash it out. But she kind of told him more that we were hanging out and my current boyfriend couldn't get a hold

of me because my phone was dead. And so then he drove like two hours because he's from like an hour and a half out of town, drove into town looking for me. You were shaking your head, Sarah. What part of that do you not, you're not totally on board with like 80 of it okay so what is that's just like an honest okay so it's fine listen we both agree that you guys have seen these situations completely differently which is why it caused the following out so we don't need to like that's that's understood now i'd like to hear hear your version. Okay. So yeah, she and I were at the beach with another friend of ours. And she decided to go talk to him. And he's not been physically abusive, but he has been like verbally abusive.

Like, dude, knock it down a notch. And so I feel like after this time, especially with calling me in the middle of the of the night calling her mom threatening to go to her house to see if she's there we just didn't trust him me and the other friend and we were trying to encourage her not to go like dude just let him go just okay go shut up whatever i you know after like a four or five hour mark hit like i'm getting calls from the current boyfriend she was seeing and her mother as well. Because I guess he was calling her mother to say, where is she? And I have security cameras and stuff. I was out at dinner with my family.

I have security cameras at my place. And so we looked on those and she still had her car there. So we were just really confused. Where is she? And so we looked on those and she still had her car there. So we were just really confused. Like, hey, so where is she? So it was like out of a concern. And after like a bazillion phone calls, I was like, look, she's trying to squash this. And I did not make it sound like you guys were hanging out.

I just said he showed up and like kind of blindsided you and demanded to talk and that you know and i'm assuming you're getting back together or anything i'm beth i'm assuming your interpretation like the story you told me was at least partly from that boyfriend's point of view yeah i'm guessing you got a lot of information of like what what sarah said to him yeah so yeah mad boyfriend shows up and he's just like she told me this and that and this and that and you immediately probably got mad at her for the things that he accused her of saying to him yeah and that's where i got upset and he he's he's very italian he's very hot blood so he showed up at 10 so he was ready to to fight when he showed up but he was already mad so i think that kind of also misled me to think i guess about it but you can recognize that like now that we're hearing yeah her point of view yeah now that we're hearing it and now

that those people aren't well we never talked about this we just both were like so caught up i think i was caught up in the breakup and and the new relationship and she had a lot of other stuff going on too. So we kind of just fought for like a week about it and like didn't really hang out and then just like started going out again and just drinking and like forgetting everything and then made a trip to New York happen like the next month. And then that's, I think when things really fell apart. Gotcha. And then what happened in New York? Um, it was like a four-day trip so we we had it packed full i mean not full but we had like one event a day and like a few things planned you know and then i got the marquee was great uh we both met some girlfriends we're drinking i met a

guy she met a couple people i mean by the end of the night um the guy asked me he's like do you want to come back to my place I have a rooftop apartment you and your friends can come I don't know how many people you're with but you're welcome whatever you're comfortable with and I was like my friend would probably kill me but I I really wanted to obviously go home with him and like at least maybe go have a fun night at his apartment and like maybe we could go stay and just hang out but I wanted to go I walked up to her at the end of the night and asked if she wanted to go and she immediately got upset and was like I knew you were going to do this I knew you were going to leave me and I was like no no you can come let's

go let's even ask star like let's be more friends I'll go and she like stormed out and got mad and so I ran out you're shaking your head part? What are you shaking your head about? So we decided before we even left for the trip that no matter how cute he was, how rich he was, how tall he was, how much he was packing, no matter what, we're not going to split. Yes. We agreed not to split up, like to leave each other because we were in a big city. Right. And I thought you were going to go back to this place. I didn't think we were involved. I was telling everyone to come. Both of us were completely wasted also. Yeah. So I was screaming at her in the middle of the dance floor, let's go to this guy's place. Like, he's so cute. And I

really want to go. And she was like, I knew you were going to leave. And I was like, no, you can come. Like, it's really close to here. And she was like, no, I knew. And she was stormed off. And I went and found him. I didn't want him to disappear and she was like no i knew and she was stormed off and i went and found him i don't want him to disappear it was like hey stay right there when i found her she already had her coat at coat check and was outside so i ran outside i was like please don't go and she's like our friendship is over i knew you were gonna do this get your own ride home i'm gone and i was like please my phone's dead all right all right all right no no no no no no, no, no, no. I was pretty drunk.

But I know you said our friendship is over. Oh, yeah, no doubt. My heart sank to my stomach. And when you said that, I said, I'm not going with him. And I said, I'll go inside and I'll tell him no. And I did that. And it took five seconds. And by the time I was back out, she was gone.

And my phone was completely dead. And the guy was gone. And we were staying in St i was gone what part of that story in staten island what part of that story are what from your point of view okay so how i remember it so we get there we're having a good time it's you know like free drinks or whatever drinking like a lot 4 a.m comes rolling around i'm i'm like i'm tired i'm totally done i'm ready to go and then she's like hey i'm gonna go to this guy's house and i'm like i'm tired i'm totally done i'm ready to go and then she's like hey i'm gonna go to this guy's house and i'm like no you're gonna get murdered you know and then i was

like come come get murdered with me we can go and see the rooftop and like i was trying to leave for like an hour at that time or trying for us to leave for like an hour that time and she was like trying to feel this guy out a little bit more and wanted to go and she was kind of adamant about it from what i remember again memories hazy because sure even for that night and so i was just ready to go i was i had it i was tired didn't feel good and then and then at some point you got mad and said the friendship's over she said she was gonna get a he already got a ride or something he ordered one on his phone. And at that point, I was like,

you went back on our agreement of not split up and here you are splitting up. What? I think that's where it was. I didn't know her phone died. She told me that after the fact. But I think that's where we crossed here.

I told her I'm going to go tell him now. I don't remember that part. You were both mad and you were both drunk at this point. So I think you both need to be careful, especially as we rehash this, to give each other a little bit of grace about just coming from completely different points of views. And you both don't remember the night exactly as it happened. I think acknowledging that would go a long way, both of you.

I think the big thing here is too, is like you guys, you weren't seeing eye to eye. You had different priorities. A lot of, and then it sounds like Sarah, you started making, it sounds like you might be a little guilty of feeling hurt and then jumping to conclusions and assumptions about things you don't know for sure

and it could be like a defense mechanism of well i'd rather just assume the worst and then i can prepare myself for the worst as opposed to just actually describes me to a team as a as a as opposed to slowly finding out what's going on and then trying to work through it you know like you would rather just say fuck it i'm done fuck this and i i can deal with this which like that's just not sustainable in any relationship or friendship yeah so yeah and i kind of got that attitude i guess like towards her at the end like after it all i just because i felt like i was fighting for so long to like i guess to get her to loosen up and just be more like, I don't know, like relaxed about it all and stuff. Well, that's another thing too.

It's just like you two might have been best friends and there was a lot of love there, but like it doesn't like just talking to you for like 10 minutes. You guys have some differences in your personalities. You guys have some differences and things that you guys enjoy, right? You have different things and things you guys prioritize. These are all okay. And you can still be the best of friends. Some of my closest friends, I couldn't be more different than, you know, but there are certain things that bring us, bring us really together, you know, and things that we can talk to and trust. And they're, they're people I go to about things that like, and, and on some levels we really connect

you know but on other levels we're different so I think you two maybe now if you're interested in reconnecting need to like sit down and just be honest about like the differences you have and accept each other's differences I feel we never um the other thing is like when we hang out it's usually just going out or like chilling and doing nothing because we're so different too. Like I'm always like texting, like let's go to the beach. Let's go like hike. Let's go do this. Let's go do that.

And she's like, oh, it's hot out. Like I don't want to. So you need to accept each other's differences because I think when we're younger and we have friends, we expect our friends to like mirror us, to always want to do what we want to do when we want to do it. And then when we don't, we get disappointed and bummed. And when we get disappointed and bum, instead of just being disappointed, we tend to project that disappointment onto those other people and make it feel like it's their fault for our disappointment. Like you can, your disappointment is like on you, right? Like we, we can be disappointed sometimes and it's not necessarily someone else's fault, especially when they just have different preferences or want to do different things.

And I think where you two probably got yourselves in trouble with this friendship is not accepting each other's differences and just appreciating each other for being different and also being appreciative of the similarities you did have and prioritize those so that like when she was out there, you know, doing her thing and wanting to go into rooftop, like instead of like, yeah, like, like I don't think a trip to New York at the same time was like the one to rekindle a friendship when you guys really want it. Like you wanted quality time, you know, like New York is about like going out there and seeking adventure and being like hey we're going to say yes to things and minus like getting murdered like you are it's an adventurous city and you go and be adventurous and that you had an expectation of being adventurous and she had an expectation of like group therapy getting home safe you know so your expectations just didn't align up and and you both decided not to respect the other's expectations and things and you both decided to judge each other's expectations rather than just being like they want something different and that's okay and so it's just a little bit of

balance but the other day i think you guys just need to respect each other's differences and it's okay to like have a different type of friendship like your friendship that you guys had like that's dead and gone and you can still be best friends i don't know where it's okay to like have a different type of friendship. Like your friendship that you guys had, like that's dead and gone. And you can still be best friends. I don't know where it's going to go, but you're not like, you're not each other's friends. There's going to do everything together. Maybe you're the type of friends that like, you know, you, you have your common interest. You do those things together.

You go, yeah. Or, or that person you talk to for advice or counsel, but that's tricky too, because when you ask for people's advice, you can't take it personally when they don't take it. I feel like that might be more of a note for, for Sarah than, than Beth. I think that happens to us a lot too. Like her and I, I, I'm always against her boyfriend and she's always against mine or like a lot of situations and so like I give her advice and I can tell in her face she's like no I'm not I don't want that to do that what you're saying and then vice versa she'll tell me like are you guys asking for each other's

advice or just giving it yeah solicited I think it's partially unsolicited and partially like venting and then the other one trying to be but. But there have been times where I've asked you to just like, look, I'm going to do it my way. Can you just support me? And I felt like I didn't have that support. I have found that as I've gotten older, friendships have more to do with just being there for your friend when they need you and not telling your friend what to do or how to act or judging them for their choices, especially when you disagree with them. It's just like, all right, do your thing. And however it goes, I will be there for you. I'll be there to listen.

I'll be there to like, try to get you out of your bad mood. I'll be there to try to get you to like, not stress about the thing that's bothering you. And I'm not here to tell you I told you so. I'm not expect you to make all the same choices you make as me, as I do, but really just be there for each other.

Who was who when I have some of your messages back and forth with one another? I think I'm the red conversation. Gotcha. So she reached out to me first and said, hey, I wanted to talk about work stuff. I don't know what else. And I had just kind of initially said something like, I think that we both know what happened before with like a conversation that still needs to be had because there was a lot of stuff like left undiscussed. So I don't know, I told her that was something I kind of wanted to look into first before we even tried to like talk as acquaintances. I wanted to address the situation. So you, so it sounds like you were a little bit more reluctant

to try to rekindle the friendship. Yeah. So she had actually been reaching out to me on Instagram for about a year. Like commenting on posts? Yeah, just commenting and liking and stuff. And I just ended up starting, I deleted her as a friend and I just started hiding her comments every time she'd leave them. I was really persistent on trying to just completely, I guess, forget about our friendship. But I hope that you guys both feel like you recognize that you were making a ton of assumptions about how the other person was feeling, making a ton of assumptions about, you know, the situations or what was said. You guys were not doing a lot of listening and just kind of projecting your fears and insecurities about the friendship and yourselves onto the other person.

All of these things like create challenging situations. And then now the question is is like what do you want from this friendship i mean in my opinion just to start slow this is a big step because it's sitting in the same room you're like talking to me you know like clearly there's a lot of love i mean clearly there's just a lot of love for the other person just in general like you know whether you guys are able to rekindle the closeness i don't know but clearly you guys both it seems like you care about each other and want the best for each other i think that that says a lot and now you guys just have to figure out can

you guys get on the same page a lot has to come down to in my opinion accepting the other person for who they are and not trying to get them to be something they're not, both of you. And accept that you both have flaws, accept that you guys won't always have the answer to fix the other person's flaws. And as friends, you're not there to be each other's therapist or tell each other what to do, even when they ask advice all your your main like your main purpose as a friendship is to just be the friend to be there for each other when the other person asks them to be there which yeah and we both have like been i think there for each other like for a lot of like you know breakups and just a lot of big family stuff too so i think that's why we have so much like care

for each other so i think i'm ready to just let go of all the stress that we had from this and like i feel like the bad guy from it i told her i thought i felt like everyone's life like messing with her emotionally more um so i just like felt so well i disagree with that like i set myself up for a lot of that you both hurt each other that's it that's what it comes down to. And I'm just glad, I guess, now to be able to reconnect with you and know that you're fine. And that it wasn't the end of the world. It was just dumb girl shit. And I think that we definitely maybe can start fresh somewhere.

But take it slow, too. I feel like we need to get on the same page with the other things. Yeah. Because I feel like we both got bad information from yeah i think i guys yeah i think i told myself lies about our fights for so long yeah there's that too but also like i don't know i just feel like let me rehash i guess but to a certain extent maybe just accept and forgive as well i think the important thing is to focus on, if I'm understanding that neither of you really wanted to hurt the other person, you both felt bad, you both were feeling hurt, you both were feeling anger in the moment. And that easily, you also were drinking, and that easily causes, you had other priorities that easily causes like friction and disappointment and sadness and hurt. and and sadness and hurt and so like how much like knowing that's not what you guys wanted let's focus more about like potential future and just recognize that you guys weren't on the same

page like how i guess a big question i think we both kind of feel is like how would we be able to recognize if we are starting to do some of these like toxic things because we never noticed really before until we had like a big fight like this and we're like oh i had all these other things building up too like that i'm just now like doing something i kind of noticed like about the six months build up yeah i guess it's like now we start re-talking and stuff or well i mean whenever either of you i'm sure you can recognize the feeling you felt back in the day. Now that feeling is going to be insecurity, fear, frustration, anger. And when you feel that, don't immediately assume it's something they have to change. Look in the mirror and ask them, why am I feeling this way? If it's something that she could be doing differently, either of you, you just say,

that bothered me. And maybe it's me. Let's just talk about it. What you guys do, at least you did, you guys made a lot of assumptions. You made a lot of accusations to one another rather than just saying, hey, this bothered me. Can we talk about it? Can I ask some questions? If you guys feel a little annoyed by each other's company, totally fine, totally normal.

Take some time apart. Don't force feed a trip to New york next time you know i just need a little bit of space is fine you know and and next time and next and like and these like things like you promised you wouldn't do this like shit happens like we have to be a little bit more flexible too when something comes up and and you want to do something and you go along with it or you bow up and it's not for me go have fun call me tomorrow like relationships are hard enough to like have it be so like rigid and non-flexible especially with friendships like you're there to make life easier on each other like you shouldn't make life harder on each other and if you're making life harder on each other

you guys both probably need to like take a step back and redefine your expectations that you have for one another. I totally see that now. And I think I kind of knew that before. We're going to probably laugh about a lot of it and realize we should have listened two years ago. Yeah. Cause a lot of things make sense now in hindsight. Yeah, for sure. Maybe you guys needed the break. It happened. It was what it was now just focus more on going forward. we always like to end these calls with saying what you guys really like and care or love about one another so whoever wants to go first her way to adapt adapt it like i can't adapt like that like i

can't change myself how i think she's she's got way more perspective than i do about like pretty much anything in life i don't know i know that we lie to each other a lot about like our emotions and what's going on, but I feel like you're always like willing to just be your goofiest version of yourself around me. Well, have more of these conversations and, and just keep focusing on three things.

Respect, respect one another, accept the other person and, and trust the other person that, that they're willing and wanting to be your friend. And if you focus on those three things, I feel like you guys have a good chance of building this thing back up.

Yeah, I agree. Well, thank you so much. All right, well, thanks for calling. I appreciate it. Thank you. All right, take care. Bye. Bye-bye.

Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknick at castme.com. Cast with a K. We will see you back on monday