The Viall Files - E445 Ask Nick - Dealing With Manchild Boyfriend

Episode Date: July 11, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Welcome listeners, and join us as we take your questions about the dating world and relationships. Our first caller feels like she has commitment issues until she starts having feelings for a guy she had a week long romance with. She asks if her insecurities are normal and how she should handle dating situations like this in the future. Our next caller has been happily with her boyfriend for eight years, but starts raising questions when she begins to realize that he may be a spoiled man child. With continual reminders that he does the bare minimum, our caller wonders if she should move away closer to her mom and reconnect with her. The last caller questions if she should be honest with her finance about how she feels staying at his grandparents' truly gross and disgusting house. She loves him and respects that they are his family but she just can’t take how awful it is. Now she wonders how to save herself from disgust without breaking his heart. “You had a week love affair.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Grammarly: Go to http://www.Grammarly.com/VIALL to sign up for a free account! And when you’re ready to upgrade to Grammarly Premium, get 20% off for being my listener.  Firstleaf: Sign up today and you’ll get your first 6 bottles for $39.95 plus free shipping. Go to http://www.TryFirstLeaf.com/VIALL  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, we've got a secret. This podcast is supported by Apples Never Fall, a chilling new mystery series from the author of Big Little Lies, starring Annette Bening, Sam Neill, Jake Lacey, and Alison Brie. It's sure to get people talking. What dark secrets lurk in this family? Tune in on March 21st to find out. Apples Never Fall, exclusively on W Network and Stack TV. What's going on, everybody?

Welcome back to another exciting episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by ali and amanda welcome thank you how are you guys i'm very well happy to be here i'm in my cowgirl era i was just in san antonio are we both cowgirls well oh my god wait that's actually kind of a fun question though like fill in finish the sentence i'm in my blank era oh shit i'm in my go ahead i don't know i said it i'm in my cowgirl era cowgirl what is the cowgirl i just mean that like i'm sort of you listen to the country music lately a little bit i i saw a very rousing performance of any man of mine by shaniaain. I went to the most batshit crazy karaoke night that I can't even describe. It was clearly like old, like people who have backgrounds in musical

theater. There was a lot of crowd work happening. There was one woman who was like touching everybody at the bar. And then there's this one dude who was just like on his phone, not paying attention. And she puts her back on his back, mic up, and is like, it was insane. But that's, I just more mean kind of like in terms of like, I'm out there, I'm adventuring, I'm exploring. Over the weekend, I saw a girl put her leg up on the stage at a bar and fan her undercarriage with her cowboy hat. Is that where you're at? That is. Yeah, how cowgirl are you?

Okay, certainly not. That cowgirl are you okay certainly not that girl has that cowgirl has me beat i would say cowgirl junior i i think more just like aesthetically i also um i i really believe cowgirls don't get caught is this are you committing crimes no no it's not about no it's not literal it's it's emotional like cowgirls don't get caught don't you have a boyfriend no aren't you caught it's it's in terms of like letting stuff roll off your back this weekend i did one drug marijuana i did no drugs although i guess i drank that's a drug there we go that's a drug alcohol is a drug let's not pretend that's a drug alcohol is a drug what era are you guys in I don't know

pick any word leave me say literally anything I'm trying to be in like a fuck it era but like my greatest I love that for you

my greatest insecurity of all time is like people not liking me or being upset with me but I'm trying to push back on that that's awesome

yeah Nick I don't know what era am I in help me out you're kind of in like a content era me thinks you're very happy with the show you feel like it's doing well for now you are a pusher in your domestic era domesticated era yeah dog dad yeah i think you're in your domestic era now you're traveling to europe. Domesticated. Okay. Domestic. Not domesticated.

What's the difference? I feel like domesticated is a verb that implies. I've been tamed. I haven't been down. Alexa, play Miley Cyrus. Can't be tamed. Help. Blink twice.

If you need help. All right. Well, we... Target boyfriend era. You're in your target boyfriend era. Target boyfriend era? Oh, yeah. You walk around with a cart

while she picks out the pillows. Yeah. Yeah, you are. I hate fucking Target. But you go. But you go. I often don't go. But sometimes you go.

Once in a while, I go. We have another slam dunk episode for you this week. And we're finally off season's over. Bachelor is back. Bachelorette. Two Bachelorettes.

And tomorrow, well, tonight, we'll be recapping it. It's after the episode, back to our regular scheduled program. Next week, we have Blake Moynes recapping episode two with us. This week is a surprise because we, spoiler alert, recorded this intro earlier and haven't decided yet. I'll be in Europe.

Maybe we'll find some Europeans. That would be great. Just like some French people who have never seen the show before who are like, why are there so many men and so few women? There you go.

That's a really bad French accent. Thank you, improv. Not bad. Ali's like, Ali's the accent coach is sitting there like steaming. What do you got, Ali? I could do better if I tried, but also Ali. No, I just think about this one TikTok that I love so much where

he imitates a French exchange student in high school and he walks in, he's like, class, midterm exam. I am classe, midterme, exam. I am nerves, but I am also confidence. For classe, I am to say good looks. For Linda, break a leg. That was great. Natalie's also good at accents.

I've been noticing a lot of British accent work. Her British accent's pretty good. I don't know if she has a French one. Linda! I think Allie might have a larger portfolio. I was a chunky kid. I had to provide something to the party. Can you do a German accent?

Oh, God. That's going to get me in trouble. Let's work on that and present it another time. It's not strong enough. I don't feel comfortable bringing it to the table. Okay, well, we don't want to burden you with discomfort. Request. I have a request for you guys listening.

Well, since I'm asking for things why don't you just go ahead and rate our show five stars but also we need more updates for anyone who's called in to the show we'd love to get a very detailed update we might bring you back on the show we might be working on something special I don't know but just

email us some updates also if you've learned something from the show maybe you haven't called in but maybe you had a story in your life that you specifically remembered, something we said in the show that you applied and it worked and you want to share that story, we'd love to hear from you as well. So

email us at AskNickAtCastMe.com If you have a question, as always, email us. Texting office hours, email us. Just email office hours, email us. Just email us. Just email us. All right, let's get to our callers. Question time with me.

Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? I'm good. I'm Katie. I'm 23. How can I help, Katie? All right. So my situation has evolved a little bit since I wrote in to you guys,

but essentially over like the last six to nine months, say I've, I've seemed to develop a lot of anxiety surrounding dating. You're not alone. And so, yeah, so it would seem, but that has made itself evident in my most current dating situation. I started seeing somebody about now, probably like a month ago. Okay. We went on a couple of dates. He was pretty persistent while I was kind of unsure about how I felt after having met him a few times.

Can I ask you a question? Like general curiosity, when you say persistent, do you see that as a positive or a negative? Like, were you flattered by the persistence or annoyed by the persistence? Flattered. Okay. You never know.

Cause like sometimes, especially when it's a man being persistent towards a woman, like I think nowadays it could go either direction. So I was curious. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it definitely wasn't a bad thing to me, but I was kind of caught off guard though, because I felt like I had expressed my hesitancy a bit. And after our third date, he had said to me that he was interested in no longer seeing other people. Okay. At that point, interested in no longer seeing other people. Okay. At that point, like I've talked to my therapist about this. I'm an anxious person. She recommended trying to date around, like not

zero in on any one thing too closely. Cause that's when my anxiety tends to like get triggered and all that. And so just out of curiosity, when, what, why do you think I'm not, I'm not necessarily curious about your therapist's opinion, but what do you think? I'm i'm not necessarily curious about your therapist's opinion but what do you think i'm sure it's wonderful i'm just what do you think is the reason why that makes gives you anxiety like what's the idea behind it like i think i just get too invested too quickly and like so it's it, Oh, if I commit to this situation, I might lose myself in this rather than miss out on opportunities. Yeah. Yeah. Cause like I, as far as like my dating history goes, like I was in like a five-year relationship and obviously like I'm only 23. So

that's like taken up my entire adult life until now. So yeah, I think there's definitely concern about like over committing myself again into something I don't want to be in and not fully exploring all my options. But have you, before you met this guy, have you been dating around? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it's kind of been like, this is probably my first experience where I'm trying to date multiple people at once because it's kind of just been like situation shift to situation shift back and forth.

Yeah. So at that point, I told him that I wasn't comfortable being exclusive and just that I wanted to keep seeing other people while we kept getting to know each other better. Okay. What do you say? He was like, I understand. That's fine. Like I explained to him that I had a tendency to like, kind of like overcommit myself too quickly. And that's what I was trying to avoid this time around. And he was like, well, I really like you. So I'm like willing to wait and see essentially. So that was all good. And like, at that point we were just kind of like seeing each other like once every like five to six days. And then at that point it kind of escalated quickly and like, I went over to his

house and then just ended up staying with him for like a week. The whole week. Because he just, yeah. Cause he just like kept asking me to stay and i kept not saying no um and you like live in the same neighborhood or or city it's not like you were i mean not super far like okay yeah not like my neighbor you definitely could have gone home oh yeah yeah could have gone home what did you do for clothes i mean i like drove home at certain points and i would like he would be like oh come'm like, yeah. So it was like a whole thing. You had a weak love affair. Yeah. Great.

Okay. And then, so like, eventually I was like, okay, I need to like get back to my apartment, get back to my wife, went home. And then at that point is kind of like when my anxiety started to settle in and I was like, oh no, I feel invested in this now. Well, sure. And I was like, oh, no, I feel invested in this now. Sure. And at that point, instead of having a healthy conversation and being like, oh, I feel a little bit more confident in this. I might be open to like exploring this exclusively.

I kind of went for the like big insecurity route and was like, so how are you feeling about seeing other people as like a leading question type thing, which I don't feel great about. I don't get the question. So like, instead of me being direct and being like, Oh, I've developed stronger feelings. I changed my mind. I'm open to being exclusive. Yeah. Yeah. that's what I should have said um that's what you meant instead yeah instead you asked instead I was like let me test the waters because I feel insecure and see like if he's like changed his mind after spending more

time together you felt insecure because now you cared yes to which he replied he was like yeah so like after our last conversation like i thought a lot about what you said and i also like have a tendency to like get infatuated and overcommit myself really quickly so i'm like seeing other people okay to which just like honestly completely acting out of like fear of rejection I was like yeah I can't do this anymore um so I just like bailed and was like I I pretty much just told him I was like listen I wanted to like I was getting to a point where I thought maybe I would want to be exclusive and I don't think I can keep seeing you if you're gonna see other people and I was getting to a point where I thought maybe I would want to be exclusive and I don't think I can keep seeing you if you're going to see other people and I was like so like that's just where I'm at and I'm gonna like

is that that's where we're here and now and now well well no okay no that's where that's when you first wrote in yes that's when I first wrote in. And then what's that? Because a couple days after that, I just kind of like sat on it and I felt like I hadn't been really fair and like, like I was pretty much holding him to a double standard and kind of being a hypocrite, to be honest, because it was like. I actually disagree, but go ahead. Okay. Well, that's good to know. Because I felt bad.

I just felt like, okay, well, here's why I felt bad, Because it was more, I wasn't certain that I wanted to be exclusive. I felt rejected by the fact that he was deciding to talk to other people. And so I kind of wanted to like lock it down as a sense of like security, even though it's like not really what I think, like I'm sure that I want because I still don't know him that well. Okay. I circled back um which that was what I wanted your advice on in the beginning if I should even do that or not I mean I'm humored by your story it's uh you're you're doing it's very relatable is that where we're at like you're debating debating? Well, no. So I did circle back and I was, yeah. So I was like, I was like, I essentially told him, I was like, I'm sorry.

I feel that I held you to a double standard. Like I know that like what's best for me right now is to continue trying to not date anyone exclusively. Like, I know that's what I want right now. So like, if you're open to continuing to do that, like you said you were doing, then like, can we keep doing that? And he was like, yeah. So you asked if you could keep hanging out while you both dated around? Yes. Okay. And he said, sure, I'll take the free sex. He agreed. So I saw him for the first time again, yesterday night.

Okay. How'd that go? How'd it feel? It felt totally normal. I was kind of expecting it to be awkward, but it wasn't. But it kind of like quickly fell back into the like feeling of like playing house and like feeling very like relationshipy. And I think the thing that I'm now have a question about because I felt like we were very much on the same page of like, we're both doing our own thing so we're like yeah dinner like sitting on the couch and completely unprompted he's just like as much as I try to like be chill like the thought of someone I'm dating sleeping with

someone else like really fucks with me so now he's doing what you're you were doing and I just how old is he kind of how old is he 31 is that where we're at do you have a yeah i think like i'm just wanting to like figure out like i feel resolved now i am curious what is your therapist saying now i'm curious what your therapist says about which part the whole thing like current like as of now i haven't talked to her since i saw him gotcha but this might not because i literally might not come to a shock to you but i think you you need to work on balance in your life yeah someone thought of me when they thought of grammarly i'll tell you

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You're just like, you went on this date with this guy after three dates. He said, hey, I don't want to date anyone else. I like you. You got a little anxious and you understood your feelings as to why, valid reasons why. anxious and you understood your feelings as to why valid reasons why you thought hey i have this habit of getting too attached too quickly too invested too quickly so i don't know if i want to do that that thing where we only talk to each other that makes sense except that the thing that you guys did regardless of what you agreed to do was to spend an entire fucking week together which completely voided out any kind of boundary like what you guys tried to

do you tried to set a boundary and then you did a terrible time of enforcing it yeah because it doesn't really matter that he did or didn't agree or that you did or didn't agree to see other people your actions were to just give you all of them and not even all of you in terms of not he did or didn't agree or that you did or didn't agree to see other people, your actions were to just give you all of them. And not even all of you in terms of not sleeping with other people, literally an entire week to the point where you said to me and to yourself, I have to get back to my life. You put your life on hold. And then you, no, of course you got feelings. Of course you developed feelings. Of course those feelings intensified. And that's why I disagree with you.

Because do I think you're a hypocrite? Absolutely not. Because at that point, in a week, things drastically changed. And it changed for you because you developed some feelings. You spent an entire week and played house with this guy. And now you had new feelings about a situation and you tried to respect those feelings by communicating to him yeah i'm not into wondering about you know you sleeping with other people except that you gave him this option of free sex

while still like constantly wondering if you know know, someone else was better than you. Except that once he had feelings, he did the same, you know, you guys are back and forth, right? And it's just like, your words aren't matching with your actions. You guys are getting caught up in what it means to like, you know, labels or exclusivity, you know, but your actions are doing the opposite. You're trying to set boundaries, but doing a terrible job enforcing it. And in the meantime, because you're not enforcing it, you guys are both developing feelings and just going back and forth.

And I am just wondering, why can't we just try to have a little balance in your life? Like one, you guys can both be exclusive. You've heard me say this, I'm sure, for a period of time. You can agree to not see other people. It doesn't even mean your boyfriend and girlfriend necessarily. And granted, I do think that's just like a label that people need to get over. It doesn't mean you can stop being exclusive at any point. It could be like a trial run, if you want, a preview, if you will. Like,

hey, let's not fuck anyone for the next three weeks you know how hard is that maybe and i honestly think when it comes to modern dating we have to start doing some of these things that maybe sound unromantic or sound unconventional but like instead of saying well i want to i don't want to see other people we we hear like oh i guess this is my person for the rest of my life. As opposed to like, maybe you're just saying, how about for the next two weeks, we only date each other. Now, let's say you agree to that. That doesn't mean you live together for two weeks. It means that like you go about your life, you go about your job, and maybe you don't like, you go on dates.

Maybe in the park or in public or a coffee date or a dinner and maybe maybe the first dates uh hang out drinks maybe and you you progress it by going from coffee to drinks to dinner to maybe a night over but like progression not living with each other like you know why why can't he take you on why, why can't he take you on a date? Why can't he take you to a play or whatever, you know, have a conversation about something you're interested in and then do that thing. You went back to him and said, well, and now I'm developing feelings. Can we do this thing? And I'll, by the way, it's still okay if you do other people because I don't want to be a hypocrite. He agreed. And your way that you guys

hang out is to act like you've been dating for five years. Yeah. When you still both recognize there's a lot to get to know about one another. So if you want to date other people, fine, date other people. But it can be really confusing when you act like a married couple while agreeing to date other people, also knowing that you still need to get to know about each other. Do you know what I'm saying? So like you're, you come over and you get real comfortable.

You're not having conversations and you're not learning about each other. You're just like living with each other and sitting on a couch and then watching a movie we both have seen and having some sex or messing around. I don't know, but there's not a ton of getting to know one another. You just you know you're kind of all over the map and it's both of you yeah so you just need some you just need to set some reasonable boundaries boundaries can change you communicate it if your feelings are changed doesn't mean you're hypocrite because your feelings change you know you don't don't backtrack just because like yeah now i feel differently tomorrow that's the thing feelings can change we all huck like feelings can't change on once i've i like you oh i mean you know we don't want to be accused of love bombing

now because you know you can't tell someone you like them for fear that your minds change and someone's gonna be like well they fucking love bomb me it's's just like feelings change. It doesn't make you a hypocrite. So I think you guys need to just have some more mature, reasonable expectations, some reasonable boundaries, knowing the goal of setting these boundaries is to know that feelings, you hope they change, you hope they evolve. When you date someone on a second or third date, you want those feelings to change because you don't want your relationship to like stop evolving after a third date. And they're going to change in one direction. They might, you know, one day you feel really

excited. The other day you're like, I don't know. He said something weird. Having a good day doesn't mean he's your Prince Charming. And him saying something weird doesn't mean you're not compatible. You just kind of have to keep getting to know each other. And people seem to be so unwilling to do that. It's all or nothing. Yeah. No, no, you're definitely right. Because this is definitely like, ever since my long-term relationship ended a year ago, it's like every situation I've gotten myself into has gone like zero to a hundred. And it's like, oh, that's the common denominator. Yeah. And you're both to blame, you know, you're both, you're both being, I guess, lazy, you know, maybe it's laziness over for him planning dates. Maybe it's laziness for you of putting yourself on a dating situation that can feel a little awkward and intense and

feel like an interview. So let's just skip all that and pretend we're married. That's what people do. It's not doing anything. You're not getting to know each other. You're not learning anything about each other. You're just having someone there. And that I know can be nice and comfortable, but it's not actually getting you anywhere. And that's probably why it feels like, you know, you're doing the same thing over and over and not getting a different result. It all fully makes sense hearing it said objectively. It's what, you know, in defense to you, it's not something that's going on. You know, it's not normal.

Like if you try this on one of these guys, you might get like a look from them. That might be a look of like, wow, that sounds really refreshing and I appreciate the difference. Or they might think you're weird. I don't know.

But it's different to try to incorporate new concepts that aren't part of like mainstream modern dating. But those don't seem to be working for people. So,

let's start a revolution, you know? Let's do it. Let's try you know? Let's do it. Let's try it out. All right. Well, was that helpful? No, that was super helpful. Thank you.

This was great. Try it out. I'd love to know how it works, how you felt about it, what they said. Give us an update. I absolutely will. It was nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you as well. Take care. All right. Take care. Bye. How's it going? I'm good. How are you?

Good. What's your name? My name is Rebecca and I am 25. Nice to meet you, Rebecca. How can I help? So my boyfriend and I have been together for eight years and we met in high school, high school sweethearts, and just a little bit of backstory. I lived with my mom my whole life.

My senior year of high school, she moved about two and a half hours away. So I was living by myself since I was 17. Okay. And I could ask, were your dad not in the picture? No, not really. Okay. So my boyfriend's parents really took me in. So I wasn't a high schooler living on my own. Why did you move? To be with her fiance.

Okay. And so was that something like you had the choice to go with her because, but you didn't want to leave your friends in high school? Was it like that simple or is it more complicated than that? I think it was a little bit more complicated. Like she wanted me to go, but I was a senior high school and I didn't want to move to the town that she moved to. Cause my whole life is here.

So, but we're very, very close. It wasn't like a big fight or anything. I was like, okay, you want to go be with your fiance? I love him, whatever. So then I go be with your fiance? I love him,

whatever. So then I go away to college for four years out of state and come home. I'm still living on my own. And just last March, I decided to have my boyfriend move in with me. And he has never lived on his own besides a year and a half in college. He's lived with his mom and his parents. So immediately when he moved in, we were having issues about priorities and responsibility. He's very stubborn. And if he doesn't want to do something, he's not going to do it. Have you ever experienced him compromising ever? Yes, but he'll make it very well known that he is irritated about it. Have you ever experienced him compromising ever? Yes. Okay. But he'll make

it very well known that he is irritated about it. So it's like, he's a martyr for doing something. He's not in favor. Yeah, absolutely. So it's like, I don't even want to ask you to do anything because I know how it's going to go. Do you find yourself compromising often? Not really. Okay. Yeah. Just because he, again, like I don't want to go. No, I'm asking you, do you feel like you are like having to compromise what you want for him because he's never doing it? Or most of the time you guys are on the same page. Yeah, no, I'm very much giving more than I'm receiving.

Gotcha. Okay. And just little things like I'm not asking you to get on your hands and knees and scrub the floor, just put away the dishes, put away the laundry. And he'll be like, okay, I'll do it in an hour. Like, I don't want it done in an hour. I want it done when I'm asking you. So I get frustrated and I start doing it. And then he comes out irritated that I'm irritated. and I start doing it and then he comes out irritated that I'm irritated and he's like you're so annoying you're like drama and then I start crying because I'm so frustrated and so that's annoying when he calls you annoying or calls you any type of name is your normal response

to cry and which I understand. Yeah. At any point have you said something like, don't talk to me that way or please don't speak to me that way. Yeah. I tell him like, that's like a really mean thing to say. Like,

I don't like that. Nobody likes that, but he knows how to say what he needs to say to like get you. So you just drop it. How do you feel about that? Um, not great. Um, cause I go to therapy and I work on my conflict and stuff on my end because I used to fight with him until forever, you know?

And I'm like, that's not healthy. Like I can't argue with you because it's like a brick wall so i need to adjust how i react by not reacting to make it just end before it gets worse and so like just household responsibilities and also financial situations we argue about like i said i've been on my own since 17. So I have my responsible bill money. I have my savings and then I have my fund money. And he's never had to pay rent.

He's never had to pay bills. So when it comes down to it, he's like, oh, this is so expensive. I'm broke. Even if I ask to just go on a cute little date, like to the movies or dinner or anything, nothing crazy. He will say no. And that he doesn't, he can't afford it. But, and then, so we end up going out and I pay for everything, but he has planned three boys trips in the last couple months he has packages delivered to the house all the time yeah um when his friends come into town he goes out to eat and drinks i am not invited

to go with them but it's like he has all this money for trips and when i ask him like hey you plan all these trips with your boys all the time. Why can't we go somewhere? Again, it doesn't have to be a $5,000 a night trip, but just, you know, and he's like, well, you never plan, you never initiate. You never make that step to like do anything. And in eight years we've been together,

we've never been on a trip just us two yikes yeah big yikes but yeah we have been together for eight years and he is like he is a jerk but he does have things that i love you know what like such as like he it's just kind of like the little things like i was really sick the last couple weeks and he um i'd falling asleep you know it's just bare minimum stuff but he like plugged in the humidifier for me when i was sleeping and like plugged in my phone it's bare minimum i know it sounds horrible what else what else do you like about him? Um, he's funny. He is like the funniest person ever. And he really knows top 10.

Okay. Well, maybe we should get him into Hollywood. I don't think he's that funny. So not ever. So he's funny. Yeah. He is funny.

He's the comedian in the group. Yeah. And he just knows me because we've been together for so long. I kind of better than I know myself, you know? Well, don't give him that much credit. If he knew you that well,

he would know you'd want the dishes done now. Yeah. An hour. My mom, like I talked about earlier, she moved away to like two hours away, but last year she moved all the way across the country with her husband. And that was really devastating for me. Because we are so close and it has been us two forever. And so is your question more like, what do you think I think you should do? Yeah. What do I do? Do I stick it out and like have him be a jerk 99% of the time,

but the 1% makes up for it? Or do I leave and go be with my mom and leave everything behind for like a fresh start? You know? What do you think? It's hard because I just- What do you think everyone listening thinks? And what do you think? Tell me to go and be with my mom. These are your words. 99% of the time, he's a jerk.

You wrote here, do I stick it out and wait for him to grow up? Listen, I totally empathize and understand how hard that can be because he's such a big part of your life. And I know I'm laying on a little thick, but I am sure he's probably not a bad guy at all. At his nature, he's probably not a jerk. He's been a jerk to you. He takes you for granted. He's a child.

for granted, he's a child. Unlike you, who was forced to, maybe even unfairly so, grow up at 17 and become an adult when your peers and your friends had the convenience of their friends, like parents coddling them and doing their laundry into their 20s and not being able to let go and, and afraid of their kids growing up. So they, you know, treated them like 15 year olds, even though when they were 21, 22, you had a very different life. And it sounds like your boyfriend was, you guys are like almost probably two extremes. You were forced to grow up and his parents still treat him like a child. So he doesn't understand the difference between being able to afford something and prioritizing what he spends money on. He doesn't understand the idea that the world doesn't revolve just around him

because probably the world has revolved around him because his parents have made him feel like the world revolves around him. So like how you've had an eight- year try to change him hasn't worked out yet how much longer let's say you don't break up how much longer are you waiting willing to wait for some drastic change probably two years two years okay which sounds crazy how and how and how do you think you're going to go about doing that i don't know it's just hard because i don't know what more i can do to like make him realize you're willing to basically just hope the next two years that something magical happens yeah which sounds stupid but you know we're not judging. We're just,

we're just walking through it so that maybe you can feel a little bit more confident in your decision because whatever you decide, I want you to feel confident in it. I want you to feel like you're making the right decision and whatever sadness you have about the decision, decision and walking away from something that was such a big part of your life. I want the confidence that knowing it's the right decision to be stronger than the fear of leaving the past behind. Definitely.

So it's just good to talk these things through. I'm a big believer in taking some big risks in your 20s. I wish I would have taken bigger risks earlier in life. I waited till my 30s to take big risks. I love my life now, but it's sometimes a little scary to leave friends and people behind. My first relationship was a seven-year relationship on and off, off and on. So I totally relate to one person being such a big part of your life and that fear. on. So I totally relate to one person being such a big part of your life and that fear.

My girlfriend, she broke up with me a bunch of times, but I was the one who finally ended that relationship. And I just remember bawling. I was ready to be done. I even liked someone else. And I remember on the phone bawling to my mom because I really knew it was over. And it was like a sadness. And so you can be sad about that, but I want you to feel appreciated in your relationship. I want you to feel like someone's willing to compromise with you and work with you and that you feel like they're willing to give as much as you're willing to give. My guess is you constantly feel feeling emotionally depleted. Yeah, definitely drains. Like I don't have the craziest job but it is like customer service so i'm exhausted you know and the last thing i want to do is come home and have an argument you know

well not only that too but you know i've talked about like like your power and energy and i've said this on other shows but your energy and power the same thing energy is power right you know you fill up a car with gas that's energy that powers the car but we don't think about that as it relates to dating and the reason why you feel depleted is because he's not giving you any love and consideration back like plugging in a humidifier or whatever the fuck it was isn't exactly going to like fill up your emotional gas tank yeah and yet you're doing all these things you're giving to him and not getting anything back which is why you feel drained and emotional yeah like shit and we need you need to be with someone who's willing to do those things you need to feel like one of the most important things in

a relationship i think that's not often weighted as high for relationships is when you feel like one of the most important things in a relationship, I think that's not often weighted as high for relationships is when you feel like you're not getting as much as you're giving, because that's never sustainable in any situation. Eventually, like just by definition, I give more than I receive. Now, granted, some people could be delusional about what that is. You know, selfish people are always like calling other people selfish. But I think we're pretty safe to assume, based off of this, that you're, that's not it. And even if you felt emotionally depleted, you need to look into why.

And I just, you know, his parents, his childhood therapy, there's so much, like two years isn't going to fix this guy, in my opinion. And certainly not hope. No one wakes up and says, I want to be a better person. Sadly, no. They only become a better person when they feel like they need to become a better person. That's usually after they experienced some sort of loss. Yeah. And it's like his brother and sister-in-law just got married and had a baby. His cousin and his wife just got married. They're pregnant. And I was hoping that he would see those couples go through that change.

And then maybe he would want to. We'll see what change. I'm sure he might get engaged to you. I probably wouldn't even have a problem knocking you up and have a baby with you. But his behavior and his willingness to help out and compromise and be a loving, emotionally giving, considerate boyfriend slash fiance or husband won't change. So then you'll just end up with more responsibility, less of your time, and he'll be out doing whatever the fuck when and whenever he wants to while you raise his kids. Yeah, you don't want him taking a boy's trip

when you're the one stuck at home with the dishes and the laundry and have a young baby. And I think I've heard a lot from people who have dated and have gotten married. Dating is supposed to be the best part. That's when people are putting the most effort into it because you don't have that commitment at that point. You haven't agreed to spend the best part. That's when people are putting the most effort into it. Because, you know, you don't have that commitment at that point.

You haven't agreed to spend the rest of your lives together. So while you guys have been dating for a really long time, and you might be, you know, out of that honeymoon period that people in younger relationships might have or earlier relationships, it's as far along as you've ever been in this relationship, but it's also as, like, young as this relationship's ever going to be again if you continue to date him so even though you've been with him you know eight years it's only going to become 10 and 12 and 15 yeah i mean i don't see in the history of relationships i don't know if hope's ever done anything maybe i don't know i'd love to hear from someone if they're listening to this show. Honestly, it was shitty for eight years.

And one day he woke up. I just hope. One day he woke up. It was a new person. I don't even know what happened. It was magic. If you're out there, let us know. If anything, I know more of an example of a couple who was high school sweethearts.

They reached an impasse. Broke up. They didn't take a break. They broke up. Yeah, there's loss. You move on and grow up. But then they ended up getting back together and they were like,

that was one of the best things that could have ever happened to our relationship because we basically got to meet again as adults. They weren't bringing in all their other stuff, but I'm like, they needed that. That's still the exception. I mean, if you end up breaking up with them, I definitely don't think you should think about that story.

Sorry. Well, I will say we did go through that. We did break up when I moved into this current place. And he broke up with me because I wasn't ready to have him move in. Okay. And so we broke up for six months. but during that time he was doing all the things I wanted. He asked me to go to dinner and like just all the little things that were missing. And then I'm like, okay, finally ready for you to move in. And then now it's kind of back at

square one. So there you go. You got your answer of how he would be if you broke up with him. I mean, I don't want you to tell you what to do. I want you to decide for yourself. No, I think listening to you lay it all out. I sound so dumb. And people are going to think I'm so dumb. This is very relatable. I think you can always move back to where you're at.

You can always come home. Home will always take you. That's true. And if you do move, maybe it's not with mom. I don't know. Maybe you'll get sad. You'll feel lonely. That's normal. But you'll make friends. What do you have to lose? I mean, also, he'll probably take you back in two years. I don't know. What's he got going on? He's not exactly... He's not putting a lot of effort forward.

Yeah. Yeah. I know he's not going out meeting other girls. So I wouldn't have to like worry about that. But then even if he does like great, but I'm just saying, I mean, I'm not, I'm just not seeing a lot of risk here other than the fear of, you know, change is scary and I get it. It's been eight years. But when you really break it down, it sounds kind of adventurous and fun.

If you can live on your own at 17, you can do just about anything. Yeah, that's true. I'm pretty tough. So just got to be ballsy, I think, and kind of stick up for myself and do something about it. Instead of just sitting here being like, oh, this sucks. But maybe he'll change because I'm not seeing any promise. He's not changing. Short of, again, like someone breaks up and they move on.

Like no one just wakes up one day and says, I'm going to start doing these things. I'm just going to magically grow up. No one's expecting him to. In his mind, he thinks you're the crazy one because everyone else is there focusing on him you know he's literally the center of attention yeah no one's checking him he's the funny guy and you know yeah and your small town it's it's doable for them yeah yeah and then it's always like our family or like his family is like my core friend group um like his sister-in-law his cousin like my best friends um

so then we're all together it's like she was so sensitive because i got upset about something that was very he says this to to his family slash your friends. Yeah. My guess is they probably see it and they just don't say anything. Also, it's not your problem. You'll make new friends. I mean, also, I know that you've become your friends,

but should your boyfriend's sister and family be your best friends? Maybe that's just a sign of you haven't expanded your world as much as you should have yeah that's very true you know see that as a challenge not as a loss yeah do you want to be my therapist i'll see you every tuesday this is great just listen to the show i'm not a therapist yeah if i were you and i'm not telling you what to do but if i were you i would uh i wouldn't go through some big breakup. I would just tell them that you're moving, and then I would move.

If you wanted a plan, see if you could find a job. I don't know how much money you have saved, probably knowing you a little bit. You could probably live on your own. And if you had to take a job that you don't necessarily love in the short term just to make ends meet and pay your bills, it sounds like you would do that. I know times can be weird and times can be tough. I've always been someone who's just like, I don't know, I'll figure it out. I believe in me because I think personally, I'm usually willing to work harder than the person next to me. And I get the same impression from you that you're someone like that. And whatever your skill set or

whatever you want to do, my guess is you're going to figure it out. And you have something that's very valuable that a lot of people don't have. And that is like a willingness and ability to get over adversity and a work ethic definitely i agree start start utilizing those skills and stop wasting it on him and children in the city and like i said if i'm wrong you can always come home yeah that's true very true well thank you so much for listening to me again i hope i didn't sound like an idiot but i really appreciate your advice very relatable okay well thank you so much i really appreciate it all right let us know we're excited about the new city adventures we'll do updates in like six months when you're just like yeah i moved and i made a couple friends i felt a little lonely at first and it was tough

but then i had some good dates and some bad dates and some good sex and some bad sex. And now I met a guy and he's all right. And we love each other. Maybe he's my future. Maybe he's not. I don't know. I'll be fine. I'm just going to worry about me until I really need to worry about us. Yeah. Good, good advice. Thank you again so much. I really appreciate it. All right. Well, take care. Good luck. You're going to be great. Thank you. You too. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hey, going pretty good. How are you?

Good. What's your name? My name's Amber. Hi, Amber. How old are you? I'm 35. How can I help? Okay.

Well, I'm having a, I guess you can call it, it's a relationship problem, but I feel like it's more so my problem because I'm having trouble verbalizing what's going on. So basically, my fiance and I, we travel a lot. We've got family everywhere, but we live together in LA. So my issue, I would say our issue, but it's really my issue. My issue is Houston. So when we go to Houston, we both have family there. My sister lives there. My cousins live there. And then he's got his grandparents, a bunch of his cousins live there. So he's really, really close to his grandma specifically, but his grandparents in general. So we kind of run into this situation that every time we go there, he's like, well, why don't we stop by grandma's house? Why don't we... And it started

with stopping by, which I don't mind that. But then it started to kind of switch into like, oh, we should stay here longer or like. And then lately it's been, oh, well, you know, we always stay the night at hotels or at your family's house. Like we should stay the night at my grandparents house. So where the issue comes in is his grandparents house is not clean to put it nicely. Like it's not I mean, it's downright, like it's disgusting. It's dirty. It's gross. Like when you walk in, it just smells bad. Like it's horrible. I mean, I've kind of mustered up now because it's been a few years. I'm like, okay, I can, we can go in, you know, for a couple hours, play nice and leave, whatever.

But now that he's trying to say like, you know, let's stay there for the night and let's spend more time with them. They're not going to be here for that long, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just like, yo, I don't even know how to really tell him without hurting his feelings. You haven't told him? He doesn't know it's messy? I mean, I think he does, but he doesn't acknowledge it. And he's just like, he's really nice. And he's just like, oh, you know, grandma, like she can't do any wrong. So he's just kind of like, I guess he's just being, I don't know if he's being politically correct. I don't know what's going on, but all I know is that he's

really serious about wanting to stay the night there. And I'm definitely not comfortable there. As far as staying the night, I'm just really big on like being neat and clean, especially like, it's one thing if it was just disorganized but it's literally like filthy dirty like they're the last time we were there i um we ended up staying a little longer than i thought we were going to and we had to meet up with some friends for dinner and i literally had to pretend like i was gonna go work out so i could take a shower la fitness like it was bad. And so my cousin's in Houston's getting married in October and he's already like, oh, we should stay night at grandma's, you know, because your family's

house is all going to be full. And I'm just like, I don't want to be mean. And then I should also say that his family, they don't think, they don't think I'm stuck up, but they already think that I'm kind of like was raised privileged or whatever so they're already looking at me like like I you know like I'm just extra when it comes to certain things so I don't want to feed the fuel you know add fuel to the fire of like that um you know looking for like a five-star hotel situation because that's definitely not the deal but um I just i can't there's no way like it's not happening so i don't know if i should tell him when i should tell him how like i don't want him yeah i think you have to tell him i mean listen every relationship

you have to have i think sometimes these awkward and tough conversations and i think there is a way to do it that shouldn't be taking, like, it still might hurt his feelings and he still might get defensive because it's grandma. But, you know, you're not going to be like, you don't have to, you know, doesn't, like, you seem considerate and concerned about that. So, you know, like, yeah, you're not going to say, like, grandma's disgusting and filthy and how could she live this way right right you know don't say it in ways that would make grandma feel judged you just say like yeah listen i i don't feel super comfortable there it's just it's not very clean and i just like my own space and yeah like what is that's you're you're gonna visit grandma

you'll spend time with grandma you just want your own own hotel you know like it's weird because like when i i have a lot of siblings right and and when i go home it's kind of like who's gonna be there because there's only so many rooms in the house i mean parents have a nice house but like and usually like not everyone's there but you know there have been times like when i brought brought Natalie and we stayed there for a few weeks, not a few weeks, but like a week. And I kind of took for granted because I'm, you know, I'm comfortable there and I stayed there. And I remember thinking, shoot, like I shouldn't just assume like it's as easy for me as it is for her. Because, you know, Natalie is so great with people and she's so polite and considerate that sometimes it makes me realize that, like, I can take that for granted. Because I know me, you should always think about how you feel when you're staying at the other family's house. And even if it's clean and nice, it doesn't feel like home and you like your own space.

And because, like, you know, we go home to our parents' house and we just, we act like we're 15 or 16 and we just come become like, we just kind of- Yeah, like regrets. Yeah. And when you go to your partner's places, you're always like careful and a little like more polite. And that's, it takes energy, right?

It does, it does, yeah. And after a while, you just kind of like, whether it's a hotel room or a place to feel more comfortable. So just maybe make it more about your comfort. And he asked, be like, yeah, it's just a little messy for me. I don't, it doesn't feel clean. Just try not to lay on the criticism about grandma, you know? But like, if it's messy, he should be able to recognize it. You're just saying like, listen, grandma, grandma has every right to have her house, whatever she wants. She's grandma, but it's just not for me. And I just don't feel comfortable

sleeping there. And it would mean a lot to me if we could just like not. Yeah, no, that, that definitely makes sense. I think in my mind, I've played out the conversation like a few different ways. And I'm just thinking, I feel like if she was in town, it would be a lot easier. But, you know, I guess in his viewpoint, like trying to maximize that time of us actually being, you know, in the same city and things like that. And I'm like, oh, I don't want to feel like a jerk sitting here telling him. You may not get what you want. I definitely just think you should communicate it. I don't think it's doing you much i definitely just think you should communicate it i don't think it's doing you much good to feel this and not communicate it to hold on to this and then try

to like hide things from him as well as grandma and grandpa so like maybe you communicate this and he says well but it would also mean a lot to me because grandma's older and not going to be here for long for long because right now you're not communicating it. And he is taking for granted, whether deliberately or probably subconsciously, he probably doesn't mean to be. Just like when I was describing, I was kind of taking for granted that I was just assuming that her comfort level at my parents' house, because I think my parents are great, and they're so nice and so welcoming, et cetera, et cetera. But it's still not her home. nice and so welcoming, et cetera, et cetera, but it's still not her home. And it's still like weird.

And, and so that he can at least acknowledge because so that if you keep staying at grandma's and if you keep doing it, at least he can recognize that you're making some sort of sacrifice that you are, you're going out of your way. Now it's just like something you guys are doing. And he's not even thinking, he's just like, oh, it's no big deal like whatever right you're you know so like at least he will feel like he's acknowledging how your feelings but he can't guess that and know that until you communicate it right no that's what you want to communicate is not unreasonable and there's no reason for him to be mean about it or get mad especially if you're not criticizing grandma yeah just you're just saying it's just not for me and if the worst thing that happens is they call you privileged or or whatever i mean i guess all right yes like i'm trying to

like guilty i guess you know i mean i do want to get is what it is i do want to be like a good fiance. I mean, I do want to be clean. It is what it is. I do want to be clean. No, exactly. That's the whole point. I'm not asking for nothing crazy. I just, you know, just the clean environment. That's pretty much it.

But I definitely wish I would have said something earlier. Like, I feel like if I would have said something a few years ago, that probably would have been better. But it didn't affect us as much because we were just kind of like oh hi bye like stop by for 30 minutes you know so then you say it was important so then you used to communicate that I wish I would have told you sooner I'm sorry I didn't communicate that sooner I want to work on our communication I want to work on how I communicate with you I want us to be able to like not only talk about good things but like and then ask them maybe you know what I'm willing to be able to like, not only talk about good things, but like, and then ask them maybe, you know what? I'm willing to bet you guys have been dating long enough.

I'm willing to bet there might be something he's held back, not sharing with you. Maybe he, you know, you described this really nice and sweet guy. So maybe he's putting up with something that he doesn't want to put up with. So make that a well, ask him, hey, there must be something, you know, that you feel like you've had to do this. Is there anything, you know, make an environment where you guys are communicating things.

Again, this is not, you're not opening Pandora's box to start talking shit on each other, but you're just creating a space to just say, hey, is there anything that, you know, you haven't told me because you're afraid it might hurt my feelings? Yeah, yeah. No, that's a good idea. Especially around your family. That way he can say his piece first and then I can add my piece. You know, the order, I don't know if it really matters. I think just have a conversation that

you're not being mean to grandma. You make it a welcoming environment. You acknowledge the goal. The goal is I want us to be able to talk about things that sometimes we have to work through because those are relationships. And I wish I would have brought this up earlier, and I feel a little awkward, but this is how I feel about this situation. I'd love to not do that. I don't feel as comfortable. It's just a little messy for me. Maybe that's a me problem. I don't want to judge grandma, but like I would feel more comfortable if we didn't. Also, is there anything that you want to ask me? You know, your focus should be about creating this environment for the relationship, about conversations you want to start

having, even though sometimes it could get awkward. Sometimes one of you might get defensive and that's okay. One of you might get a little frustrated. That's okay. But you work through them. Right. That's a good point. That's a good point. And see if you can cultivate that environment and see where it goes. Also, again, you may end up still staying at grandma's, but I feel like you will feel better at least having communicated your feelings. Right. No, that's true. That's true. No, that's a good point. I never imagined that there could be anything that I'd do wrong. So I'm just kidding. No, that's a good, that's a really good point. No, I think that's a great approach. And then it kind of makes it

more mutual too. And you're like, you're offering something up. Be like, Oh, it must be annoying when I do that. Now be ready that be ready for him to be like, well, kind of. And then try not to take it personally. No, definitely. It'd be good to just let things go before this wedding happens. And that was my main thing. I don't want to carry... Because overall, our communication is really good.

And so I just feel bad carrying this piece and just letting it linger and linger. So I definitely think that would be good to have like a plain slate, like for both of us, if there was anything that he was holding onto as well. So yeah, that's awesome. Well, good luck.

All right. Thank you. I appreciate you. Thanks so much. My pleasure. Thank you for calling. All right. Take care.

Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatcastme.com. We'll be back tonight with The Bachelorette premiere. Bye.