The Viall Files - E448 Ask Nick - I Want The Courthouse He Wants The Big Wedding

Episode Date: July 18, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We welcome on our callers to give them advice about their relationships and situationships! Our first caller deals with dating after moving to a new state, finding it hard to connect and progress the dates she’s been going on. After finding a guy she has genuine interest in, she wonders if she should put herself out there and shoot her shot, while also learning to take things slow as she recently moved and has a lot of settling in to do. Our next caller struggles when a guy she can’t get over really might not be as great as she makes him out to be. Now she must learn to hold more respect for herself as the good traits this guy holds are traits she could find with anyone. Our last caller deals with conflict when her current boyfriend wants to have a massive wedding, while she is more than happy to go to the courthouse. With this conflict in mind, we ask our caller if the reasons for her preferences might be from a deeper cause.  “We all have to shift through dirt to find gold” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Rothy’s: Your new favorite shoes are waiting. Discover the versatile styles you can wear absolutely anywhere and get $20 off your first purchase at http://www.Rothys.com/VIALL ShipStation: It’s time to let go of all those shipping tasks. ShipStation can do it better—and faster. Sign up using promo code VIALL for a FREE 60-day trial today at http://www.ShipStation.com and start saving time with every shipment. That’s 2 whole months of shipping made quick and painless. And it’s free to try! Liquid IV: Grab your Liquid I.V. in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 25% off when you go to http://www.LiquidIV.com and use code VIALL at checkout.  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting episode of the vile files ask nick addiction addiction it is an addiction if you're here right there on Monday morning, you got it. And boy, are we happy you do. I am your host, Allie. And I'm your host, Amanda. And don't worry. Don't panic. Do not worry. This is all Nick's advice. This is Ask Nick as you know it and love it. It is just for this specific intro that Allie and I are holding down the fort while Nick gallivants in Europe with Natalie having the time of their lives.

But after this intro, you won't even know we're here. We promise. You won't. Silent. Yeah. So, and also, before we get into the episode,

if you have been on an Ask Nick before and you've received Nick's incredible advice and you want to send us an update, please email us at asknick at castmedia.com, cast with a K. And speaking of updates, I was wrong. And I just want to come right out and say that. Earlier, in a previous episode,

we talked about how I didn't have, I was like, yeah, I just like, I haven't taken any photos of my boyfriend. And like, you know, like when is the appropriate time to ask for photos? I realized that actually pretty early on in dating, we went to a bar that has a photo booth. And so we both you have like you was like,

I have like cute like in tucked into my mirror that I see every single day are like these photos that he insisted on taking in the photo booth. Like he's very good about like being sentimental and cute like we went to like a pottery thing yesterday and he or like the other day and he was like let's make ones for each other like he's actually very good about that stuff and I like go home look at that photo in my mirror and was like oh like I screwed up I screwed up I didn't have any digital photos I see but we did just friend each other on Facebook after like truly like post I love you but we said I love you before becoming the order in which you've gone about this relationship is

shocking to me it's a little bit unhinged yeah but I went like are you still on Facebook like do you I know there's a man in the picture yeah like what how are you thinking about the Facebook element because I worry Facebook is a dying art so I'm on Facebook because my other boss who's not Sir Nicholas is always on Facebook and like operates a business from Facebook. But man in my life is much more into Facebook than he is Instagram. Okay. Like, okay, boomer.

We get it. I feel like it's a regional thing, though. He's from California. I don't know. But like viewers, please let us know if Facebook is still alive and well where you are. I think it is. But there are people who are like a couple years younger than us that don't even have it. I know.

But we did the Facebook friend request, like, very instantaneously. And then I was getting screenshots of me riding a Segway with braces in, like, middle school being sent to our friend group chat from him. On his, from him. Facebook feels like the, like the modern day equivalent of when your parents like, when they're meeting your boyfriend or partner or whoever, and like showing you the embarrassing photo album. Now it's Facebook. Yeah, it's all there.

Like where you can see like your terrible hot takes from middle school. Yeah. Of like. Did you find anything awful? Did you get the ick from your boyfriend's Facebook? No, I just like immediately looked for his ex. There we go. Like, isn't that what I, you know? Yeah. Looking for an ex, looking for embarrassing. That's okay. That's a better

discussion topic, which is just you when you're like meeting someone, how quickly do you search for their exes? Yeah. I feel like my last couple of boyfriends that they've been introduced through mutual friends. So I always like knew their exes. Okay. Like it was part of the conversation of like, oh, well they just, they broke up with such and such. So now they're single. Right. So usually their most recent ex is like a name I know.

Okay, totally. Which is different. Totally. And do you ever like, do you ever do the unhealthy, like pull up the ex's Instagram? I haven't. Really?

That's just so impressive. Not with this current one. Okay. I could, should I? We put it up on the screen? We'll do a Vile Files review. I don't know.

I feel like there's – I'm sure if Nick were here, he'd be like, it's unhealthy. Like, what could you possibly get out of seeing – but I don't know. Sometimes it's interesting to see type. We've talked about this before of if you look really similar or there's really similar vibes. It's like, oof. Yeah. oof yeah weird feeling totally and yeah and like at the end of the day it's like i'm sure what good comes of looking at someone's ex scratches a little itch because either yeah because it's like it's probably inherently going to be comparative like no matter how hard you try to like keep it just like curious it's going going to become comparative. So it's just going to be like you feeling bad about yourself or you like feeling superior

to a stranger on zero basis. Yeah. It's like going down the rabbit hole of comments. Like there's some good comments. You're like, I nailed it. And then it's like terrible and you feel really bad about yourself. But I think there's just, yeah, there's this like part of you that's like, but if it's out there, I have to know.

Even though I know it is so like there's nothing positive that comes from me knowing. Like, I just want to know. Yeah. Wait, have you told people about your man? No. Do you want to? Well, like, people or, like, them? The beloved Ask Nickies.

Ask Nickies. I'll let you know. I'm seeing him this weekend. So I'll have more to share with the Ask Nickies next week. But Sparknotes' version is that he does not live in? He does not. So I'm flying. I have have more to share with the ass of Nikki's next week but spark notes version is that he does not live in he does not so I'm flying I have to fly to see him okay leave on Thursday we'll see are you staying with him yeah how many days Thursday night Friday night Saturday night I leave on Sunday oh my god how are you feeling about like spending like is this

the most uh amount of time you're going to spend together uninterrupted? Yes. Yes. I feel very calm and excited. We text decently. We usually have probably a phone call a day. That's so nice. I feel very like, yeah.

I really love phone calls. I think it is such a tender, nice way to communicate and stay in touch with people because I think there's something, I don't know, there's something to me about a phone call that is so conducive to like really unpacking your day and just kind of like talking about like the everyday details of life. Cause I was realizing like in a relationship, like I feel like I'm kind of, you know, there's, and of course, hopefully you continue to learn about your partner and like get the new bit. But I think you do kind of reach these like sort of ebbs and flows like okay like we've reached kind of like I know a lot about you and like sure we'll reach another milestone where I know about you on this other deeper level but like

when you're at those points where it's sort of like okay we've traversed all this ground it's like the ability to just kind of like make a feast out of like the small everyday things I think is such an important quality and I feel like a feast I like that but I feel like the fact that you guys are doing it yeah it's like whip it up three courses yeah sorbet course in the middle yeah oh such a good one yeah I'm excited so okay we'll see if you had to describe him in three words what three words would you use? Safe, aware, loving. Three good words. Three good words. Bitch. Self-centered.

Misogynist. Loud chewer. Arrogant. Oh, my God. Okay, but before we jump in, if you're listening to this right now, right, Shanti? Yes. Is that the CTA? Right this instant. Monday morning. If you are listening right now and you want to do a live texting office hours with us

in studio, we're here. If you're one of our early listeners on a Monday, we're in studio. Send us an email. Same email address. AskNick at CastMedia.com. Cast with a K. We're sitting around waiting for you. You could be here virtually.

And really, please feel free to shoot your shot, even if it's a rando who you haven't thought about in a few months, but you're like, hey, but that red lobster waiter was hot and I have his number. We will help you shoot a shot and you'll feel empowered and it will be fun. Agreed. All right. Okay. Let's get into it. Now that they're sick of us, let's give you Nick. Take away the mics. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Elle. How old are you, Elle? 22. How can I help?

So I just moved back to my hometown in Southern California after living in Colorado for college and then post-college. And when I was living there, I had a pretty serious boyfriend like throughout college and a little bit after for like three and a half years. And so after that ended, that ended like in February and March, I made a hinge and I was trying to like get back out there. And so I matched with this one guy. And it went really well, our first two dates. But then I got the job back in my hometown, which I knew I wanted to come back to. So I kind of just didn't take things as seriously with him, but still knew I liked him. But since my job was remote, I thought maybe we could make this work. I could come back to the city in Colorado and spend more time with him.

We'll see. And then came out to the city in Colorado and spend more time with him. You know, we'll see. And then came out to California, started my new job and kind of just tried to put myself out here too, as well, since we hadn't had like an exclusive conversation or anything. And I've been going on hinge dates out here, you know, even like talking to old high school people, kind of seeing what's out here. And I've just been having like a lot of trouble. And I feel like I'm comparing everyone to the guy I met on Hinge in Colorado, when I just thought he would be someone that was like, okay, there are other guys out here. Like I kind of just took him as a sense of hope. And now being out in California, I've just been having a lot of trouble actually meeting guys I feel as like connected to.

How long have you been back in California? I've been back here since end of March. Are you still talking with the Colorado guy? Yeah. So we Snapchat like pretty much every day and we were like the best friends thing. And then we were texting a decent bit. And usually I'm like anti Snapchat because I'm like 22, you know, I'm not just looking for like a hookup type thing, but it's kind of been like a lighter way to communicate where there's not a ton of pressure. Okay. When you were in Colorado, you met him and then like you moved and this has kind of kept going. Yeah. So when I was there, I don't know why it was like not the fairest thing of me, but it was hard for me to tell him just because like we were talking

and he had just moved to that city in Colorado. So we probably had gone on like three dates, like three just us dinner dates, and then gone out with like groups of friends two or three times. And I was on a kickball team there and he like subbed in for my kickball team, but he never really had like that exclusive talk with me, but we did get close in the sense of like, he told me about his ex. I told him a little bit about my ex. We actually even saw when I was on a date with him one time, my ex's sister at a bar and he was very chill about it. So I feel like we got close really fast, but I was scared to tell him. So I was more just like, oh, you know that new job

I told you I got? I actually have to go back to California for the training, even though it's remote. And then my lease ended and I was like, oh yeah, I think I'm staying here. And so basically you want to shoot your shot with this guy, it sounds like. Your friends are debating whether you actually like him. They maybe think it's a little bit more because things haven't. I mean, you've only been in this new place for a few months. Yeah. So I've really been trying to give it my best go out here.

And my sister was like, maybe you only like him because he's not here. But then other people will be like, oh, I feel so bad. Like you really liked that guy in Colorado. So I'm just kind of trying to figure out what to do. I drunk texted him when I got back from a hinge date on Saturday, which I felt kind of guilty about. But I just said, hey, kind of just to start up a conversation, ended up falling asleep. He texted back, hey, what's up? And then we were talking on Snapchat the next day and he was like, oh, did you get a little drunk, Elle? You texted me last night. And he was like, I miss talking to you. Yeah. I mean, I don't think you have to make some life-changing decision here.

Yeah. I think you can be honest with him about your interest in him you know it's just like you have to do i like really like him or not yeah i mean clearly you are interested in this guy yeah like that's that's just a reality the strength of the interest it remains to be seen what that like you still don't know a ton about him right you like you've heard me say this you like what you know so far and who knows i? I don't know the answer. Maybe some of your interest is based off the fact that he is the only one you've liked in the past year. And of course, that means it's going to make you like him more. The more you get to know him, you might find out

that you start liking him less and realize you know so little about the guy. So stop trying to figure out how you feel, like how you feel about him, like overall. I'm sure you've heard me say that, but it's not like you decide whether you like someone and then you stop evolving those feelings. You know, you're debating with your sister, whether you like them or not. And she's just like, well, you only like them because, you know, you're not meeting anyone here. It's like, they're not mutually exclusive feelings. You can like him and be interested in him and really like him more than

anyone else and not be in love with them, you know, and him not be your person. It could just, you know, so it sounds like what you want to do is explore this relationship with him more than just casually Snapchatting now and then or having zero expectations. So ask him that. And how do I tell him that? That's what I'm

scared about. What are you scared of? I don't know. Just on the phone, if it's unexpected to him, I might visit in a few weeks. You were thinking about visiting him? Yeah. He's asked you to visit there. Yeah. He's been like, let me know when you're coming out. Like we should get drinks and dinner. Also,

I can pick you up from the airport. So it's more of a casual invitation. Yeah. It's not like, Oh, you should stay with me. I mean, I'm sure I could,

but I think he knows I have a lot of friends there. I feel like we're both kind of like teetering around the fact if we like each other. Cause then I also know like he hasn't been talking to anyone else and like he doesn't know one of my friends. Stop, like replace the word like with interested. I think I'm interested. I think I'm just also scared to like put myself out there because I just got out of a long relationship. Okay. Yeah. Also maybe just slow down and stop putting so much pressure on yourself to like replace, to have somebody.

You're only 22. I don't know how that feels for you, but most people, once they hit 20, it just feels old. Even when you're 21, you're just like, oh, I'm old. I just graduated from college. And you never imagined, like graduating from college seemed like such a big deal when you started college. And now it's just like a mold, you know, but you're not. And you have a lot in front of you. So take it easy on yourself. If this guy ends up not being as interested in you as you are in him, that's okay. And you are always going to

meet more people that you're not interested in than you are, you may not find your person until like 27. And that might, well, five years from now, but like, yeah, you, you cringed. I mean, like having a partner is awesome. It's also fucking annoying sometimes. And there's just so much you could do as an individual, especially in your early twenties. So like focus on that if you can. your early 20s. So like, focus on that if you can. Have you ever seen someone wearing a colorful pair of flats and thought, dang, those are cute? Well, they probably were Rothy's because Rothy's is the only company making amazing flats that are made out of recyclable plastic with no break-in period. They always look brand new and they're incredibly comfortable. To say that they're made out of plastic, I mean, it's great because they're doing great. To say that they're made out of plastic,

I mean, it's great because they're doing great things about the environment, but it's such a disservice if you've never seen a Rothy's flat. It's mind-blowing. It looks finely woven. And the thing about Rothy's is that they always look new because you can wash them, literally throw them in the wash, bada bing, bada boom. You're constantly walking around with a fresh set of flats. The scientific innovation that's gone into making Rothy's products makes me believe that we will one day colonize on the moon. Because I can't believe they make all these handbags and footwear for men and women, and they look the way they do, and it's made out of recyclable plastic.

I don't get it. They have so many styles to choose from. It's like wearing clouds on your feet. And again, the washability, phenomenal. You can go hiking, muddying, you can do whatever you want. And then the same day, you can wear the same pair of shoes at a gala and no one will know the difference. It's incredible. So your new favorite shoes are waiting for you. Whether you're a man or a woman, Rothy's has got you covered. Discover the versatile styles

that you can wear absolutely anywhere. And you can get $20 off your first purchase at rothys.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's R-O-T-H-Y-S dot com slash V-I-A-L-L for $20 off your first order. ShipStation. ShipStation. Helping e-commerce sellers like you around the world and like me.

I mean, shipping is such an integral part of every business, especially e-commerce businesses. And it's also the aspect of your business that can be very detrimental, whether it's through cost or not getting your products to the right customers at the right time. Well, ShipStation is helping all of that. to the right customers at the right time. Well, ShipStation is helping all of that. The best part is that it doesn't matter if you're a small mom and pop or you're a Fortune 500 company, you get the same deeply discounted shipping rates

by using ShipStation again. And you can easily compare carriers rates and delivery times. It doesn't matter if you're shipping UPS, USPS, FedEx, they work with everything. Also, whatever your e-commerce platform is, ShipStation will integrate seamlessly with that. It's super easy, super convenient.

The best part about ShipStation is it works. 98% of companies that use ShipStation for a year keep using it as long as their business is open. Those are good stats. Those are good stats. Absolutely. 98%. Sign up by using promo code VIALL

for a free 60-day trial at ShipStation.com and start saving time with every shipment. That's two whole months of shipping made quick and painless, and it's free to try. You don't even have to put a credit card down. Just go to ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the page, and type in V-I-A-L-L. ShipStation. make ship happen. As far as it relates to this guy, I really think going forward for the rest of your life, from today on, you replace like with interested.

And to yourself and to the people you tell. Because when you tell a guy you like him, that sounds like a lot. Wow, she likes me. When you tell a guy you like him, that sounds like a lot. Wow, she likes me. When you tell a guy you're interested in him, it almost simultaneously tells him how you feel,

but makes him feel like he needs to show you that, what do you mean you're just interested? Then he can chase a little bit. I'm interested in buying this car. Tell me more. I want this car.

Two different things. And there's no reason for you to want to buy him yet. You don't know. You're just interested. You like what you see. Tell me more. Show me why I should buy it. Prove to me. So whether you do it while you're out there or before you go out there, you just say, he said he missed talking to you. So you say, listen, I've been thinking about you and I got to be honest, I'm interested in learning more about you. And you kind of just be very matter of fact, but also a little aloof in a way, you know, where you're just like, it's weird to say I'm interested in you. What do you mean you're interested in me? Like, well, I have fun with you

and I do miss talking to you. I'm not sure what that means, but I'd like to get, you know, you more. So like I do, I'm going to come there, and I think you should spend some time with me. But if we do, let's keep getting to know each other. And then kind of set that expectation. And then when you go out there, if you have a good time, see how you feel. If you keep, yeah, I'm still interested. What if we kept being interested in each other? What does that look like for you?

And he might say something like well i don't really want to date long distance and blah blah blah you know there's a good chance he'll say that but at least you'll know but yeah part of me doesn't like like the idea of getting in a long distance relationship either just because i'm trying to like the idea of getting around here yeah but i keep thinking about him and i keep putting myself out here out here and i'm still thinking about him. So I'm like, maybe it's a sign I should at least be honest. It's not a sign.

And the fact that you are striking out out there really has nothing to do with him. It's almost certain that your interest level in him is increased because of how you feel about dating out here. But that doesn't mean he isn't a great guy and it doesn't mean he's not compatible, you know? So you just don't know. So tell him that you are interested in finding out more

and see what he says. But no one likes the idea of a long distance relationship. No one's like, you know what I need in my life? You know, airline points. No one's saying that. And here's the thing, like prioritize the fact that you want to settle your roots down there. That's a way to like maintain, you know, your independence and power even while pursuing this guy. So you don't like, you know, like lose yourself in this guy or chase him or always going to visit him or one way or the other. You just,

you're interested. Don't oversell your interest by saying you like him. Yeah. That's part of what I've been thinking anyways, just being out here is like some of my friends are like, we'll have him visit you first. But I am living at home right now. That's why I'm like, that would be too awkward. You don't need a value as you visit him first. Just put it out there that you're interested. See what he says. That's step one, you know? Yeah. Because if right off the bat, he gives you the, you know, at least then, you know, that like, that's, that you're dealing with an uphill battle.

Right. Yeah, exactly. And then, and then you might decide, well, I'm maybe, I'm still interested in talking to him and I'm still, you know, if I, but then, then you, if he gives you the, uh, I don't know, then, you know, to not like put a ton of energy into this guy because he doesn't want to give it back. So kind of just put myself out there and then see what he says. Yeah. He can voice some concerns. Like I'm definitely interested too. Definitely long distance concerns me. And you just say, listen, I'm just saying I'm interested. So like, let's, let's ramp it up and I'm going to come see you. And after he sees you, just say, listen, I'm just saying I'm interested. So like, let's, let's ramp it up.

And I'm going to come see you. And after he sees you, you say, would you be interested in coming and seeing me? There's no reason for either of you to like start setting goals. Just, you don't have to set the goal about becoming boyfriend and girlfriend or getting engaged or moving in together or like starting a long distance relationship the goal is are you interested in seeing get to know me more great you're gonna have to come see me to do that next time and see what he does oh i like that you know so set smaller goals okay and stop saying you like them and you keep saying you're just you're keep i'm more i'm more interested. I'm even more interested. I'm really interested. And eventually you can say down the road, if it keeps progressing and only if it keeps progressing,

now I like you and I want you to do something about it. And that's when you really shoot your shot and see if he's willing to do that. But until then, until you've decided that until he commits to you and wants to make you a priority, that it would really make you, like you can't keep doing this,

that until then you're only interested. That makes sense. I like that, replacing like with interested. Subtle, but important. But powerful, yeah. Thank you. It's like, I like you you what do you do with that fuck that's a lot i'm interested in you but i'm not sold you should tell them that

it'd be great all right yeah do that let us know how it goes we'll do all right thank you all right take care bye bye how's it going good i'm I'm Alex and I'm 29. Hi, Alex. How can I help? So I've been in a situationship, I guess, for seven months now. Okay. We both tried to end it multiple times and then we can't go more than like a week or two without contacting each other. And then we are good for a couple of weeks and then we ended again. And why,

uh, and your, from your point of view, do you think it's not a relationship or has it become one? I've had the talk with him. Like, can we be boyfriend and girlfriend? And he just says,

he feels like we're in two different places. And that's what he says. Every time he ends it too, we're in two different places. And that's what he says every time he ends it, too. We're in two different places and that I deserve better. And he doesn't want to affect me negatively. And then he comes back. Well, I mean, they're always going to come back. And you want to end it. I mean, I want him to want a relationship.

Okay. Well, the only way to do that is to not give him the things he's already getting. So what, as far as not being in the same place, like what, what do you think he means? Does, do you think,

does he give you specific examples? No, he does. He never does. So I don't, I don't get it. He, he does have an eight year old son and he's going through like

custody stuff with the mom right now okay um that can be a lot that's like yeah that's the only thing that is different I don't have kids so what's your what's your favorite thing about him he's funny sweet and the way he holds me, like I've never felt like this with anyone. And every time I've ended a relationship, it's like, peace out. And I'm done.

Like, I've never let a guy really come back. Okay. And you, and you're letting him in that. I would marry him tomorrow. Why? It's going to sound cliche.

I feel like he's the one yeah but you gotta tell you gotta be able to explain why he accepts me for who i am okay and he's never like tried to like he smokes weed i'm not like i've never done it he's never like pressured me into doing that he never forces me to do anything not comfortable with doing okay and I've never met a guy like that. Usually they're like, oh, you don't do this and we're not going to work. Okay. What else? That's nice.

But what else? Because right now what I'm hearing is I used to date a lot of guys who are a little controlling and it may be more immature. I think everyone does that a little bit. I think in our younger relationships, we have a tendency of trying to mold our partners to be how our parents tried to mold us or things that we like. And I think everyone experiences that a little bit. This guy sounds like he's older. This is a guy older than you? Yeah, like four years older than me. Okay, so not whatever. He's 33.

Okay. Yeah. it might feel real great because you haven't had it before and it is something that you can have with lots of people there is that what else yeah but what else other than feeling like you can be yourself which is nice he's just caring and sweet like he'll he got me like this stupid little uh clip thing for my badge at work and it was had purple skulls on it. He was like, I saw this, and I know your favorite color is purple, and it made me think of you. I don't know.

It's just stupid little things like that. He's a gentleman. He always pays when we go out. He opens the door for me. He does all the boyfriend-y stuff. Yeah, I don't call it boyfriend stuff. I just call it stuff you know, stuff. Boyfriend stuff is saying I want to be your boyfriend.

That's called boyfriend stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, like, I'm reading your note, and you're like, I know what you're going to say. I know what you're going to say. That was the truth. But it's just the only way to get him to want to make you a priority, and that's to be willing to walk away yeah and

live your life listen i i don't doubt that you love him i don't doubt that you care about him and i don't doubt he's special to you but he's just he's just without question not the only person in this world that can make you feel that way yeah you know and we all have to shift through dirt to find gold. And you've shifted through some shit in the past. I think to help yourself out, if you do enforce the boundary this time and say, and again, like you've heard me say it a hundred times, Remind him one more time how you feel about him, what you want. Don't ask. Don't plead with him. Don't beg. You just say, this is what I want. This is what I need from you or anyone else I allow in my life. And I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through. I would love to be at your side. That's what I want. You got to write a list of all the

things you want, and then you just say that to him. And then you say, I'm going to, but I'm going, I know you're not ready for that. When you try to convince people of something, we're resistant. When people tell us that we can't do something, then're more than we want to prove him wrong so give him an opportunity make him want to prove you wrong yeah so change that change that language that you're using and in the meantime when you after i tell him like don't block his number no there's no reason like you if you only block him if you can't stop yourself from texting him yeah that's the hard part well you say listen i'm going to block you because obviously you know how i feel about you and and please don't reach out to me because if he wants to get a hold of you he will and you say please don't reach out to me

unless you're willing to give me what i deserve and you're just going to have to stay on your ground that's the only way you're going to get what you want i'm not telling you to like i'm not telling him to tell you to fuck him to fuck off oh he's not your guy i'm just telling you that you you need to change what you're like what you're doing isn't working liquid ivy liquid ivy it's great I brought it for my intramural soccer team. I brought a big bag. I was a hero. You were a hero. The amount of goodwill I got, because we're running around, you're sweaty, and you want

something that's going to hydrate you in a way that's better than water. It contains five essential vitamins, B3, B5, B6, B12, vitamin C. And fun fact, great for a hangover. The trick is drink liquid IV before you go to bed after a night out of drinking. And then when you wake up. They got amazing flavors like strawberry, passion fruit. I like personally the lemon lime. I do.

It's my favorite. I know. That's like basic of me. I mean, other flavors are delicious. One stick of liquid IV in 16 ounces of water hydrates you two times faster and more efficiently than water alone. Need I say more? And let's be honest, for some people like me, drinking enough water, it's hard to do. It's like a stressful thing. With three times the electrolytes of a traditional

sports drinks made with premium ingredients and so much less sugar than your premium sports drink, Liquid IV is your go-to for hydration. Grab your Liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco, or you can get 25% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code VIALL at checkout. That's 25% off anything you order when you shop better hydration today using code VIALL at liquidiv.com. liquidiv.com. Can a situation ship ever turn into a relationship? Sure, it can. It's rare, but it never happens like the way you want it to. Right. And here's the thing, you know, I can only imagine what it'd be, what it's like to go through a custody battle and the stresses of that. And maybe there's even a fear of like what his ex could say about you, you know, like all of a sudden there's a new woman in his life and it's,

you know, maybe that's part of the reason he could, maybe there's some real fears about that. Have you asked him about that? No, I know he hates her. I know he hates the ex. No, but here's what, here's the thing. It's like right now, all you want is him. And you're so afraid to fuck up because all you want is him that you're probably not even being the partner you could be for him. God, boy. I think men really appreciate when they have people asking about their feelings. They don't always offer it,

and I know a lot of men are resistant to it, but let him be someone that he can talk to you about this situation. Try to empathize with his situation. Don't try to convince him that it's not a big deal. People in your shoes will often say a thing like, well, why does it have to stop us from being together? And then by doing that, you indirectly minimize his feelings. Because honestly, it might be a valid fear he has. You don't really know. You haven't asked. You know? Right.

So, you know, how are things going with the ex? How does that make you feel? And just, boy, the more you can be someone he really can like vent to and you know you know how women always say i just want to talk and have you listen and not try to fix it yeah women can be guilty of that too so maybe just be the person many an outlet and if if you can get them to open up it's hard to replace that i just feel like i'm like a secret like in his life. Cause I haven't met any of his people. I have met his son though, like a few times,

like we've taken him out and done stuff with him. And maybe that secret has to do again with the Cassie Bell and ex-wife. I don't really know. Or maybe it's just an excuse, but I think you try to empathize with them first, as opposed to trying to convince him to do what you want. Tell him what you want, set a boundary, then enforce the boundary. And then when you block him, you let him know, I'm going to block you. That's not because I want to. I really don't want to, but I just need to do it because I can't, we've tried this, we go back and forth. And I'm asking you, if you care about me at all, please don't reach out to me unless you're willing to give me what I deserve. Talk about what you deserve, not what you want with him.

You know, don't beg him. Just tell him. I think he like, he knows though. Like every time he texts me and ends it or whatever, he says, I know you deserve better. I know you deserve. Yeah. But sometimes we have to show, we have to show people what we deserve because, you know,

him saying you deserve better, better. I'm not saying he doesn't believe it, but it's like also, you know, in his moments of weakness, he reaches out to you because he sounds like he's maybe kind of weak right now. I don't mind calling him a weak man, but like, yeah, fuck man. Custody battles can really beat people down and custody battles, you know, right now and i'm not calling him a weak man but like yeah fuck man custody battles can really beat people down and custody battles you know right now you know they're not exactly pro guy right because you know the laws don't necessarily favor the fathers and so maybe he's feeling insecure or beaten down by that i don't know this is all to say you do have to be willing to walk away.

Yeah. Does it have to be, do I have to talk to him in person? Can I text him this stuff? Sure. Okay. You know, I would prefer it in person,

but if he already knows, if you've had this conversation, you say, listen, I've been thinking about it. I really can't keep doing this. I want this with you. I personally think we can be great. I want to be there by your side to work through whatever stresses are going on in your life, whether it's

this custody battle or anything else. I know that's what I want. I know it's what I deserve. And if you can't, and I don't think you can, you say in your text message, you say, I don't think I've realized that you can't give me what i deserve and he might say you're right or whatever but you need to he needs to hear from you that you believe that because that will that might scare him into realizing he's going to lose you you you know obviously you're you seem very nice and very demure but you need to you need to hit him with like a little belief in yourself i'm too too nice. I hate that about myself. Well, you know,

there's, that's a lot of, there's a lot, I'm sure there's a lot of people love that about you and I'm sure it's a really great quality, but like you just try to work on it. Yeah. Even if you guys could be a great couple,

he's not the only guy you can be great with. And then if you do start dating other people and you start moving on, I know it'll be sad and tough, but hold people accountable a little bit faster. So next time you start dating, if you feel like you're dating guys who are a little belittling of you or make you feel like exes feel, stop dating them. Listen to that. Be like, eh, no, move on. Because there are other guys like him who would want to date you.

You just have to have some patience. Not my virtue. No, but yes, you're right. Me neither. But you can work on these things that you don't like about yourself. But, and, and, and those things will, if you work on them, we'll probably bring things for the better. But like, well, I know you, this this isn't this isn't making you happy i know

it just makes me feel like i'm not good enough but i believe that about myself that i'm never good enough well you you are but you also have to it's a combination of your you feel like you're not good enough and then you're fine you're trying to find value validation or value by finding it for someone else you you have to feel good enough for yourself no guy is going to make you feel good enough they're just fucking guys doesn't sound like corny cliche but you have to love yourself first you have to believe it and these guys so all the you know maybe make a list of things that maybe you're not a fan of about yourself. And then you figure out what are in that list are things that you have control over, whatever it is. Maybe you want to get better at standing up for yourself. That's something you can work on. Maybe

you want to learn a second language. I don't know. Maybe it's a health thing. Maybe you want to improve a health aspect. Maybe it's a hobby you want to try. I don't know. Maybe it's a health thing. Maybe you want to improve a health aspect. Maybe it's a hobby you want to try. I don't know. But make a list of those things. And I bet there's some things that you can control. Some things you might not be able to control. I don't know.

But then accept those and then work on those and prioritize your time by trying to focus on those. Get really obsessed with that list. You'll get busy. People will notice. You'll get more confidence. You'll start being a little bit more particular with your time. No guy is going to make you feel good about yourself the way you can. A guy is going to help add to that. I don't know who this guy is is and I don't think he's all that special. He might be your guy, but he is just a guy.

But I really think that if you took some time and stopped giving these guys so much credit as it relates to like how you feel about yourself and just started focusing on you and things that you want to improve and stop thinking that some guy is going to make you feel enough. I think it will drastically change how you think about everything, including your dating life. So just make a list. What are the things that aren't my favorite things about myself? What are the things I'd love to get better at? Start there. Make that list. And I bet there's a, and start small. Pick the easiest ones that you think you can work on and work on that. Right.

But you seem like a wonderful person. I just think you definitely need to focus on you. This guy, the more I hear, the more I'm just like, you know, I mean, I hope you get what you want, but you gotta stop saying things like, I don't like anything about myself. Like you gotta police those thoughts at least and force yourself to think about something you like what is one thing you like about yourself tell me something you're good pick one uh gotta be something i can usually

make people laugh oh there you go that's big a lot of people don't that's a big deal you can usually make people laugh great you're funny so next time someone says what do you like about yourself right off i i make people laugh i'm funny and what else i don't like myself okay well what else are you good at what like what else can you be good at are you good at your job i would like to think so yeah are you dedicated are you do you show up on time yeah good at that a lot of people are fucking terrible at that. I can't stand them. I would love to have people who show up on time on a regular basis.

I'm serious. You're laughing. You're like downplaying it. No. Okay. Yeah. So you're reliable. Right.

Are you writing these down? I'm funny. I'm reliable. Is it easier even to think like how your friends or your coworkers would describe you? Because I think sometimes you were just too hard on ourselves. Like if someone went up to them and said, describe this person to me, or if they were a reference for an upcoming job, what would they say? I don't know, but I wouldn't believe them if they said good things.

Why not? I don't believe them to be true about myself. Well, you got to, you got to give yourself some more credit. I mean, it's one of those things. You're saying, well, even if I asked someone to compliment me and they just showered me with compliments, I wouldn't believe them. And again, you definitely should keep working with a therapist

and maybe I'm not in a position to offer helpful advice. But you got to start somewhere. The difference between you and someone who is, let's say you're a clone. I mean, confidence is such a manufactured thing. It's just a belief. So you got to figure out where it comes from. You ever see some people with confidence like

where do they get that from where's that from where does that come from yeah you know i want it and i'm sure i am sure a lot has to do with uh being adopted in your childhood and obviously whatever trauma you've gotten there and yeah like yeah i never got it from my parents so i mean they talked me out of going to college for the profession I'm doing right now. And you went and did it anyways. Mm-hmm. Fortitude. Conviction.

I'm serious. You're resilient. Resilient. Add that to your list. Has he ever had a conversation like this with you? No. He's not that great then. like this with you? No. He's not that great then. He said that his favorite thing about me is how pure and genuine I am. Okay. So you're pure and genuine. That's nice. How does that not,

how does that, do you not want to be, do you think pure and genuine are good qualities or do you think they're not good qualities? I think they're good qualities. Okay. Again, do you think everyone's pure and genuine? No. So why can't you be confident about your pureness and your genuineness? I don't know. Why are you so resistant to believing in yourself? Because I feel like I'm a piece of shit.

Why? Describe to me what piece of shit. Just a nobody that is not worth the time or effort for anyone yeah i mean that's not a piece of shit that's just someone who feels like they haven't gotten the love they deserve that's me okay well then stop saying piece of shit a piece of shit i mean they're people who are pieces of shit like they're not good people yeah you just haven't been fortunate enough or privileged you know lucky enough to be surrounded by love. And unfortunately, that's a reality. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve it.

And it doesn't mean that you can't show it to yourself. The self-loathing and the feeling sorry for yourself, I get it. I mean, it sounds like you just want a hug. Holy cow, you know me, like, better than someone I've known my whole life. You deserve it. And so you've. You just got, you deserve it. And so you got to start telling yourself you deserve it and you got to start telling yourself that you, you have good qualities. And I would write them down and you know,

make people see that it's not other people who are like, it's just, you have to see yourself first and you're clearly doing things. Yeah. You listen to this podcast, you have good taste. Yeah. If you're going to beat yourself up, beat yourself up in the fact that you don't give yourself enough credit. Cause that's the only flaw I see in you, but I see a lot of other good ones.

So like be critical about the fact that you are too critical about yourself. So that's your con. You list your con. That's the fact that you are too critical about yourself. So that's your con. You list your con. That's the only con you list. That's the only one I'm allowing you to list. I'm a real dick to me. And then when it comes to pros, you start, you know, asking people what they think and then believe them.

You just got to believe in yourself. And I know that seems like a chicken before the egg thing. And I don't know if this was helpful, but it was, it was, thank you. But you really, you,

uh, you need to hold yourself a little bit accountable to stop being such a dick to yourself. Okay. Okay. And then, but it stopped the criticism stops there. Okay. Every day,

wake up and say something nice about yourself. Oh gosh. Pat yourself on the back. Okay. Every day, wake up and say something nice about yourself. Oh gosh. Pat yourself on the back. Okay. You know, think about things that like character matter, like things that like really matter. Good character, honesty, genuineness, thoughtfulness, being considerate, being reliable. These are great attributes that so many people don't have. And I feel like you probably have many of these and then you should go like this and pat yourself on the back. You're beating yourself up a little bit. You got to get fair.

If you got to figure out how to get out of this rut. And I, the more I talk to you, the more I feel like this guy is not the solution. He might be part of the problem, but the bigger, the bigger thing is, is you finding that confidence and try to confidence and focus on making more friends.

I'd start there. That's hard to do. I know it's hard. It's hard for everyone. You're not the only one. I don't like people. Everyone tells me that they don't believe me when I say I hate people, but I don't like people. I hate people too, but I like friends.

People are annoying, but friends are great to have. You just got to put yourself out there. You're already uncomfortable with a lot of things about your life. So you might as well be uncomfortable while you try to make friends. Touche. I'm just like, I'm trying to get you out of trying to like want something, want something better for yourself more than just some fucking guy. What if you just like made a deal with yourself,

no matter how uncomfortable it is like almost just like make a bet with yourself that you will go on something like bumble bff or find a facebook group of people in your area and make a plan to get coffee or drinks and make a challenge yourself to talk about all the things that you love and keep the conversation very positive and even if it doesn't end up being like a great friend, you never know who else you're going to run into, or they could connect you with someone else. I think we just have to get the ball moving a little bit. You got to start telling people you want to make new friends.

And like Allie said, and then just be a focus on being a positive person because no one wants to become friends with someone who's just like, I hate everything, including myself. Well, cause then ideally they'll get to know you even better. They'll see every part of you and then you'll be able to share things you've been through. And then it's a multifaceted relationship.

But at first we got to put the right foot forward. Try it out. Why do you have to lose? Okay. All right. Check back in. I'll try. Check back in a couple of weeks.

All right. Thanks so much. You promise me you'll Check back in. I'll try. Check back in a couple of weeks. All right. Thanks so much. You promised me you'll check back in. In the next three weeks, we want you to go on some sort of friend date. You have to at least tell five people, whether it's virtually or people you work with, that you want to make friends. You're looking for new friends. And then you have to go on one friend date in the next three weeks. Like with a new friend?

With a new friend. Oh my gosh. Okay. And if you don't, Shanti is going to, I'm going to go on one friend date in the next three weeks. Like with a new friend? With a new friend. Oh my gosh. Okay. And if you don't, Shanti's going to, I'm going to tell Shanti to. What is Shanti going to do? Don't drag Shanti into this. Whatever. You'll forget all about me.

Taking you under my wing. No, we won't. I'm taking you under my wing. Hey, I'm setting a. You'll forget me. I'm setting a reminder on my phone right now. So don't you dare say that I'm going to forget about you. Can you for like just maybe a day stop talking shit about yourself?

I will try. I'm reaching out on Tuesday, July 5th at noon. Allie will. She's annoyingly reliable. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. You too. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going?

Good. How you doing? Good. What's your name? I'm Maggie and i'm 28 how can i help maggie oh so i need some advice because i think i'm just in my head about things okay so backstory my uh boyfriend is 31 and we've been together for about a year and things happened just crazy fast uh we went from tinder hookup to now we live together on the other side of the country. He's awesome. So you moved, like one of you moved for the other person. Yep. Gotcha. I moved. Yeah. You moved for him. Okay. Yeah. It's crazy. Absolutely bonkers. But so we're talking about things like marriage and kids and home improvement and career path and we're aligned the only thing is he wants a wedding and i do not

um so i've been married before okay i did the white dress thing it was so overwhelming um and expensive and stressful oh gosh just the thought of doing and to be clear you guys aren't engaged yet no we talk about this a lot and he knows he knows everything okay yeah no we definitely talked about weddings and getting engaged and what all of that looks like so okay i've been married before i've expressed my nervousness about having the whole wedding it freaks me out and uh he really wants to have a big party uh and to be fair he just wants like a backyard barbecue with a bunch of beer like that is his jam but weddings come with all sorts of traditions and family things. And since I,

and so to be clear, you're like, you don't want any wedding. Like, but are you down to get married? Like, and if so, like you just want to like go to a courthouse real quiet,

my dream, just the two of you and a witness. That sounds great. Super casual, just for us, no pressure, no stress. Okay. And so when you say pressure and stress and you talk about family things, what comes to mind? Since my divorce, my relationship with my very conservative evangelical family has been really really strained okay um and weddings mean family things and weddings mean whatever you want them to mean that's why i think i'm overthinking things sure um which is it's okay that's why we're here awesome thank you we'll we'll we'll think through them together you know when you're like Which is, it's okay. That's why we're here. Awesome. Thank you. We'll think through them together. You know, when you're like, oh, I want a wedding,

like people can have big weddings, small weddings, intimate weddings, barbecue weddings, destination weddings, all sorts of types of weddings. They can have courthouse weddings. I mean, you know, the wedding, in your in your mind wedding you're thinking ceremony celebration that's what you you want to avoid it's not the marriage that you have a problem with it's no no issue with the marriage um yeah i would not be considering marriage if it wasn't that we were on the same page and it sounds like your reservation has to do with your family and judgment and shame that might come from that. Yeah. Is it possible to not include them?

I've asked him about that. So you've said, all right, what if we have a wedding, but what if I don't invite some people? And he said, you can, but I think you should. Okay. Well, that's easy for him to say, and he could be right. But also, this is where compromise comes in. And it sounds like maybe he's saying this out of, he's trying to probably like, hey, look the other way, or it's a bigger picture. Your family, you don't want to regret it. And there could be some truth to that. But what does a wedding mean to him? I'd be curious about that.

That's a great question. I don't know. When I say wedding to him, he says, well, we have to have a big party. So I don't think it's as serious to him. He didn't grow up religiously. So the connotation of a wedding is so different. Okay. So he just wants to celebrate this momentous day for himself and the person he loves. Yeah. I think that would be. So is he fighting with you on inviting your family or he's just suggesting that... Gentle suggestions. Okay. And how do you feel about that gentle suggestion? Because if you really think it's a gentle suggestion, then that's all it is. It's something that you can not take. You cannot take

a gentle suggestion. Unless you think his gentle suggestion is step one of ultimately him making you feel bad for not taking his advice. No, he is not actively trying to make me feel bad. No, that's not his goal. I think his goal is more like reparations and celebrating with people. Well, you know your family, I guess, best, right? So if you think, because ultimately it sounds like you're, and correct me if I'm wrong, that your anxiety comes from inviting these certain conservative judgmental people. And instead of celebrating this day, they're going to ruin this day and ultimately

make you feel worse about yourself, not better about yourself. That's what I'm worried about. Okay. And that scares me. Sure. I get that. So like obvious, easy solution is to just not have them come because you believe that that like, that would be counterintuitive the day that your boyfriend wants to have. So you're just like, listen, like I would love, like, I'd love to have them too, but this is what I'm afraid of. And I can't promise you that they won't do that. In fact, I think it's more likely that they will than that they won't. And I don't think we should risk that on this day because, again, I'm fine with the courthouse thing.

You want to celebrate it. I want to give you what you want. And I want this. If we're going to celebrate it, I want it to be a good day. So let's not deal with that. Where and from terms of your relationship with your family, like how strained are we talking? Are we not speaking with them? We're speaking. It's just very much on my terms and what I'm comfortable with talking about and sharing. I put up some really, really strong boundaries when everything kind of went down just because for my mental.

How long have you been divorced it'll be two years have you checked in with any members of this family about this i guess situation you know what i'm saying or you haven't right no so is it possible that that maybe their their feelings have changed or lightened up? Like, could you possibly be holding on to some hurtful things or judgments that came from them that really hurt you and felt very unsupportive at the time? And is it possible that you're holding on to them more than they are?

Maybe, but that means I'd have to talk to them about it. Sure. Yeah. I mean, listen, it's, it's, I don't know what your goal is with your family and, you know, so you have to decide what that goal is. Do you want your family in your life? And if so, do you not want, like, if, are you happy with the relationship you have with your family now? If it never changed, are you happy and comfortable with that? Do you think that your overall mental health and overall quality of life is at its peak now with your current relationship with your family? It sounds terrible, but yeah. I've never been less stressed out. Who cares how it sounds? Whatever know okay but i guess what i'm

saying and so like check in with that feeling and at the risk of you know your overall happiness long term like how detrimental would it be it might be stressful it might give you anxiety but like if one day you called up mom dad or, or whoever we're talking about, brother, sister, and, and, and, and had an awkward conversation, could you recover from that pretty easily? Like, are we just talking about a bad day and a couple of days of like residual stress of like being like, yeah, well, it went the way I thought it did. I kind of regret bringing it up. I'm now confirmed that they're still judgmental pricks or whatever. Like, can you recover from that? Or, you know, like, because it is family. Like you, you try to, you know, try to give them the benefit of the doubt.

People can grow and change and evolve. And like, you know, so I guess this, the question is, are you able to, do you think you're able to do that? But if you really think that it's not worth your time, they're never going to change, all it's going to do is bring you down, and if you're happy with your current relationship with your family, then don't bring them.

And as long as his family and friends are not asking you about why isn't her family there, I don't know. No, they've been awesome. They've been so accepting of me and just me as a human. It's been awesome. Yeah. My overall opinion is, it seems to me like there is a world where you can give your boyfriend and potential husband what he wants that would make him happy for the day. I know he's a man, but men think about wedding day too, you know, what he wants while protecting your mental health. Like, I feel like there's a compromise that can be made there.

Okay. You know, because to me, it's not like I don't want to, there's specific reasons why you don't want a wedding. There are understandable reasons and there's, and there are things that it sounds like you can avoid. No, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah. It's just crazy that it could be that simple. Well, I mean, it's like all our personal fears, like, I mean, we're talking about family here and there's a lot of, there's a lot that goes into that. There's a lot to unpack. Are you, do you talk to a therapist about your relationship with your family?

I tried in-person therapy before the pandemic, and it did not work for me. And then the pandemic happened, and yeah. I mean, I haven't met my therapist in person. I mean, as I Zoom. I mean, it sounds like there's a lot there that whether you think about it constantly or not, there's things to unpack. And it might behoove you to do that before advancing this relationship. It might make him feel more secure, too, because ultimately you may decide, I don't want my family there. and like the obvious and like the obvious thing for him to say is to like just encourage you to maybe consider having them you know like i get why he said that but you getting therapy and working

through this with a therapist might give him the confidence that you really like are doing what's really best from you and you're not just avoiding something or not doing something out of fear because avoiding something and not doing something out of fear. Because avoiding something and not doing something out of fear isn't exactly the healthiest approach or the right approach. It's just something you're doing in the moment, you know, to help protect your mental health, but it's not really resolving the overall issue. And that could carry forward into this new relationship.

So it might, if nothing else, is give yourself and your partner the peace of mind that you work through these things, you know, family trauma and family, it sticks with us. And if we don't deal with it, we deal with it in other unproductive ways and we can project it in other aspects of our life. So I would just encourage you to try it. And if it's trying a bunch of different therapists until one feels right, try that. But just shoving it down and not dealing with it, and then just avoiding a wedding completely to not deal with it. I don't know if that's necessarily the way to go. Because it sounds like some of your solutions to this is just avoiding things.

That is, yeah. No, I was afraid you were going to say that. Sorry. Yeah. It's fine. That's why I'm here. You know, because it sounds like there's a world where you can have a really fun, exciting day with someone that you really love and found a future with, and you're going to want to celebrate that. No, that's true. That is very true. And don't let your past steal from your future. Well, that's a lot to unpack. Okay.

Sorry. A lot on a Tuesday. No, I appreciate it. I wanted some hard truth. I guess I got it. Yeah. So take it easy on yourself. I don't think there's a wrong answer. It sounds like you got a good thing and a supportive guy, but at your pace and whatever feels right, I would definitely look to talk about this with a therapist and challenge yourself to lean in, even if it's a little awkward and uncomfortable, so that you personally feel like you have the confidence that you've worked through these issues and you still may, like you might work through it and come to find that you're in the same place you are now that you ultimately, you know, don't really want a wedding and, and you,

and that, and that, but then, then it's, that doesn't become about your family. Because my guess is your boyfriend can sense this family dynamic and it can sense that you're just trying to avoid it. And your way of avoiding it is to just forego a wedding. And that's not fair to the relationship or to him or yourself. And if I'm him, that makes me feel like you're still hanging on to your past and that's affecting our relationship. And then the next question is, well, what else in our future is your past that you haven't dealt with going to affect this relationship? What else are you going to avoid?

No, that would not be fair to us long-term at all. working with and that makes you feel like they're actually benefiting you and it's worth your time. And I think just doing that will give you and him just the confidence knowing that you did. Oh, that makes a lot of sense. And I personally, non-expert advice, don't think it's wrong not to invite your family if you don't think it's good for your mental health or you think it's going to ultimately affect the day in a way that's not productive. Okay. No, that is comforting. It's more of a solidified path rather than just kind of running away from things. Your parents don't have to love what you do always. And granted, some parents are really good at shame.

Yeah. And sometimes we have to like push boundaries i mean but you have to set boundaries with them but maybe sometimes we just have to be okay with them not loving what we do but still wanting them in our lives and again personally my general like opinion is that that can that might need to require both people letting go from the past a little bit. It might require you letting go from some of their shame and judgment if they are willing to just let it go. You might have to just accept

that they're never going to like all your choices. But don't let that stop you from like having a relationship. Yeah. And I thought I made my peace with a lot of that, but yeah, it's the, it's the wedding thing where, you know, family is so forefront in that event and it's so, it's a, it's a big deal. Well, I mean, that's, that's what you're used to. That's what you were raised to think and feel, but you've broke away from that mindset. So you're kind of even even the idea you're holding on to the past while trying to forge a new future it's your family's past that's telling you family family family you've got to have the family there and when in reality there's a lot of people who get married and have family

at their wedding and they can still celebrate with the people they feel comfortable and close with who feel like are supportive of this relationship, who want to actually celebrate the love that you two want to celebrate. I mean, isn't that what it's a wedding about? It's like, why invite people who don't want to celebrate the love that is being celebrated? It makes a lot of sense. Jeez. I know there's that question of like, if anyone doesn't think they should get married, raise your hand now.

But like, that's pretty antiquated. Why is that still a thing? It doesn't have to be, but if you can get married in a courthouse, you can have a wedding on your terms. Okay. I like that.

Thank you. Hopefully that was helpful. I, I feel more affirmed and a little less in my head well no judgment and shame from here so you do what you want to do what makes you happy yeah my blessing but i would encourage you to to try to uh work through some of this this stuff that you're clearly hanging on to but not dealing with no that's a fair assessment. Okay. And that, yeah, that's, that's constructive advice. Okay. Great. Okay. Well, best of luck. Keep us posted. Hopefully you let us know when

you get engaged and married, send pictures of the wedding. Okay. Sounds good. But technically, I think your, your boyfriend owes me $20 because it seems like I am pro wedding overall. Dang it. I will let him know. Side note, my boyfriend won't, doesn't want to participate in the call, but he says he'll send me 20 bucks if I take his side. Yes, we did have that conversation. I'll let him know he owes you 20. All right. He just donated to the wedding. All right. Take care it to the wedding. Okay. All right.

Sounds good. All right. Take care. Take care. Bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send your questions to asknick at castmedia.com. That's cast with a K.

And anything else? I don't think so. We have a great week ahead of you. We have Blake Moynes for our Bachelorette recap. And Jeff. Jeff Perla for Going Deeper. He's on that new show the one that got away the one that got away you don't want to miss it don't let this episode get away from you see you next time bye