The Viall Files - E45 Ask Nick - Down For The Ride

Episode Date: September 23, 2019

It’s another exciting episode of Ask Nick! We talk to someone whose friend seems to be rushing into marriage, a woman who is definitely in denial, an anxious guy’s girlfriend, and a woman whose boyfriend is full of excuses. Nick gives some tough love, but will she listen? Remember, it’s never too late to start over! Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: BUTCHERBOX: https://www.butcherbox.com/viall BETTERHELP: https://betterhelp.com/viall NATURAL HABITS: https://nhoils.com See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is up everybody happy monday for those of you tuning in on a monday and as always thanks for finally getting to us uh this is ask nick rochelle is with us suge has been as you guys notice hasn't been here she will be back from time with us. Suge has been, as you guys notice, hasn't been here. She will be back from time to time, but Suge has been busy working on other aspects of her career, and so we've had to suffer without her. I know.

Sweet Suge. Sweet, sweet Suge. Another great episode. Some great nuggets in here. Didn't I one time, I was like, yes! I got so excited I was like, yes. I got so excited. I screamed a little bit. You said it was a good thing you said.

Listen, I always love your enthusiasm. What's been going on with you, Rochelle? Wow. I feel like sad about this, but not much. That's okay. Is it? I don't want to get back on dating apps, Wow. I feel like sad about this, but not much. That's okay. Is it? I don't want to get back on dating apps,

but I feel like it's about time. What's been going on with you? I feel like I always have to share and you never have to share. I share a lot. No, tell me. I haven't too much. I tried to, I was in a conflict with a person and I tried to make a, reach out and like I-

Was this the football girl from last? No, this is not a dating situation. Oh, okay. I, sometimes people, you're just, you have to agree to disagree. Yeah, yeah. You couldn't resolve it? It just, yeah.

Yeah. I was, resolve it? It just, yeah. Yeah. I always get frustrated by that because I know like sometimes we get emotionally invested in our own lives. And sometimes things are said. And then I always try to remind myself, you know, maybe I'm just being sensitive about this. And maybe this person is being sensitive. So let's just acknowledge that. And then I, you know, I reached out to this person and said, hey, you know, I know we've been at odds.

The response didn't, it was almost like. What did they say? It was more like, I kind of was just like, well, hey, listen, if I've said anything to frustrate you, I apologize for that. Yeah. These are my frustrations. But again, I'm just, this might just be a miscommunication. My point of this is to

simply say hey let's just okay let's just be cool yeah right yeah um and it just seemed to make it worse not make it worse but it didn't really accomplish anything and um the person didn't i was surprised by the, they only seemed to understand the things that they were frustrated at me at and complete dismissal of anything. They did. Or even acknowledgement that it was frustrating. And sometimes it's like,

how much do we invest in trying to always be on good terms with anyone? And sometimes do we just have to try to let things go? I don't know. Yeah. Letting things go, I think is good to do. It is,

you know, and I sometimes struggle with that balance. So is, do I need to like, was it good for me to reach out just because I felt like, I mean, I was not like, not necessarily trying to be the bigger person that sounds kind of sending,

but trying to just do what I could to resolve any potential conflict. And is it, did I need to get the response I want? I don't know. I sometimes struggle with that. Yeah. But that's been going on.

Here's one thing. I'm flying to New York for a wedding next week and I'm not invited to the ceremony. Huh? They're having a private ceremony. I'm invited to the ceremony huh they're having a private ceremony i'm invited to the reception how private just the people in the wedding and family okay but i've known him like so long like i feel like he's family but but if it's what i'm saying is like if it's specific to the people in the wedding yeah and family, then I don't think you should feel.

All my friends are in the wedding and I'm like. Do you feel like you should be in the wedding? Well, it's just like literally our whole group of friends, everyone else is in the wedding and it's like, I'm not going to be there. It's just like such a bummer. It's tough. I know. Who is this person?

I went to college with him. Yeah. Him. Yeah. And are there any, what about her? Do you know her? Yeah. Through him?

Yeah, just through him, yeah. And are the other people standing up, are any of them women? One of them is, one of them is, yeah. And who is that person in relation to him? His best friend's wife. Best friend's wife. But they lived together for a long time, yeah. Yeah, so.

Yeah. I totally get where you're coming from. But you know what I mean? long time yeah so yeah i totally get but you know what i mean it just feels so i totally get it but but because they decided to have this very specific ceremony yeah i think you can give yourself permission to not be sensitive about it okay which i totally get why you would be yeah but it's not a personal attack on you it's just more like for whatever reason they decided to have this very intimate ceremony and then like one of those things well once we let rochelle like yeah a bunch of other people feel the way you do and they're like well fuck if we do this we we for whatever reason they

decide to have this intimate ceremony yeah and we always have to remember when it comes to weddings it is their day i know it's so hard for me i don't know why i like always get upset i always get hurt you have the right to be hurt yeah but also like don't make it right i mean i don't know why i like always get upset i always get hurt you have the right to be hurt yeah but also like don't make it right i mean yeah don't make it about you uh but i totally get that yeah it's tough though because especially with weddings it's a really sense it's a really you're like okay that's where i uh i feel that's where our friendship lines up i feel affected by this but this is so not about me yeah and like but you you have the right to feel the way you do but i think i think it's safe to give yourself permission to uh to not be personally not be i'm

just gonna have to tell myself every day don't be personally affected yeah go have fun yeah i'm not even gonna mention it what you don't don't get on that fucking flight and ruminate i know i'm don't think about it the ceremony you're fucking miserable yeah okay i won't do that i won't do that you really really and also to be honest have you do you really give a shit about the ceremonies i mean it's nice i get emotional i get emotional if i'm there but like they're boring i want to be there I want to be at the brunch after You know what I mean It's like

You can't be at the brunch after Right I'm asking Are you not invited to that either I'm not invited They want an intimate I know It's fine

Or else he hates me One of the two It's funny Our friendship means nothing It's funny But those are the things You're actually thinking about yeah does he hate me did my did i get a pity invite no they have a very i know a small reception

we've got a great episode we have a great episode all our little ticks i like i like your story these little ticks we have that i'm a mess. We all are. I mean, fuck. I do shit like that all the time. Yeah. I think we all are constantly in our heads about our own insecurity.

Yeah. Why? I have learned and I try to remind myself, everyone's just worried about themselves. I know. Yeah. So he just. It ain't that heavy. It's not.

And it's not that he hates you. He just is focused on probably his wife. Yeah, oh, for sure. She wears the pants, yeah. Wow. All right. There you go. Another great episode.

Yeah. So let's get to it. Woo! Mm-hmm. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. All right. Name and age. I'm Kelly and I am 27. What's up, Kelly? How are you?

Good. How are you guys? So good. Thank you for asking. How can we help? Yeah. So I have this friend who I've known for a very long time. She's never been in a relationship before, but she recently started dating this guy a few months ago. And my friends and I are all really excited for her because he's really great. But she just told us that they're already looking to buy a house, get married and have a kid all within the next year. And I know how the bachelor works, because you know, this happens all the time, right. But I feel like everybody on the show has been in a relationship prior and has a general

idea of what they want out of a relationship. And not to mention, he just got out of a long-term relationship so I feel like they're on different pages but overall I'm just concerned that she's rushing into things and getting caught up in these feelings without taking the time to think do I really want to spend forever with this guy so my question is how do you approach this conversation without hurting her feelings? Because at the end of the day, it's not really my business if she's happy, but I do care about her. Yeah. You're right on all of that. How old is your friend? 27 as well. Okay. And when you say it's her first relationship, like, has she dated?

Is she a virgin? Like, how inexperienced is this person? She's had, like, flings, I guess. But I feel like guys just really use her for a hookup, you know? And she's had... When you say that, what do you mean by guys use her for a hookup like they just hang out have a couple dates and they have sex every now and then but it doesn't really go beyond that and she just ends up getting ghosted and with most of these men is she uh

expressing a desire to date them? Yeah, for sure. I mean, she's wanted to define the relationship and be able to call them her boyfriend. But I feel like when she's brought that up, it's just kind of scared the other guy and turned him away. Okay. of scared the other guy and turned him away okay um other than do you think she's a super kind of aggressive in that in that kind of almost over anxious i mean why do you think she's scaring these guys away other than maybe it's is it is it her bad taste in men or is she maybe

in fairness you know you love her she's, but like a little, you know? Yeah. I think it's a combination of both. I think she definitely picks the wrong guys, but along with that, she does come on a little too strong, like trying to define the relationship maybe too early. So I don't know what, what's different about this guy but you know i'm just glad she's happy but how long have they been dating for you know um about three months three months and you like him he's nice yeah he's great i've met him like once um so you met him once you don't really

know him yeah i don't i don't really know him but like you know he definitely cares about her from what i observed and from what she's told me and all this information about buying a house having a kid getting married this i'm presuming it's all from her and you really have no idea his state of mind sorry what was that i'm assuming all this information about her planning on getting married or having buying a house and having kids is all coming from her like not from them yeah i mean she said that he wants it too um so i guess they're both ready but i'm not sure like you know who initiated that and who's really pushing and so she's been your best friend for most of your life. I mean, minus her dating life. Do you guys have the type of friendship where you feel comfortable calling each other out on your bullshit?

dated not in a like an aggressive way she kind of tries to like sugarcoat it and be like well you know he's really like he's okay um but she'll never like flat out say he's not a good guy for you sure i mean listen it's it's tough right um you're right to kind of worry about how to say it because this is a very exciting time for your friend, the way you're describing it, and the fact that sounds like she's always wanted a boyfriend, and it just hasn't worked out for her. And while I would say she's still young at 27, there are a lot of people out there, you know, at 27, you want to meet a guy, you want to settle down, and maybe she's feeling that kind of pressure that she's put on herself. And she's just very excited. If this is her first boyfriend, I mean, I've been there. I think we all have,

especially for that first one. It's very exciting to, especially if you meet someone who seemingly shares that excitement and you're just kind of, you kind of go down a path. I mean, I think i would the best way i would start it is just to be very supportive so you know you don't i wouldn't like treat it like an intervention because ultimately we don't know if there's an issue here because maybe he is the man of her dreams maybe it is her person maybe they will get married we don't know that but i think it's right for you to safely assume that regardless, she's probably rushing things a little bit. So I would come in very positive and just say, I'm really happy. He seems like a great guy. I'm really excited for you.

But like, what's the harm in like slowing it down a little bit? Like, you know, don't have to buy a house and things like that. And, you know, the kid stuff, listen, if he is your guy, just remind him he's not going anywhere. You know, buying a house or having a kid, sometimes we do these things to kind of subconsciously lock it down. You know, maybe she has some angst about these guys who have ghosted in their past or have left. And it's just like, wait, you want to buy a house with me?

Sure. Fuck it. Let's sign. Where do we wait, you want to buy a house with me? Sure. Fuck it. Let's sign. Where do we, where do we sign? You want to have a kid with me? Well, you can't leave after that, you know, kind of thing. And so there's some things here hard for you to point out because she's not going to notice that she'll probably get defensive.

So I would just be really supportive and excited for her and just give her confidence in the relationship. You know, don't lean on her insecurities about the fact that he might leave. I would spend a lot of time first getting to know him, right? And I would probably go out of your way to try to spend some time with him as a couple and kind of vet it out for yourself and get to know him, kind of see where he's at. And if you really believe in this relationship, make her feel confident about it. Because my guess is just based off what you're telling me, she still make her feel confident about it. Because my guess is just

based off what you're telling me, she still has some insecurities about it, which is why she probably is in a rush to do all these things. I think we've, I've been there. We, we, we all kind of do these things when we're trying to like, make sure like, well, how do you not leave? You know, let's do all these permanent things so yeah um get to know him and if you think it's a confident thing just say just say wow that you guys are great and this is you know i really believe in this and make her feel confident about it and if she's still talking about you know doing these things say hey listen you know if you guys want to do that, I support you. But also, you know, sometimes rushing these big steps can, you know, sometimes bring out, you know, bad things into a good situation.

You know, sometimes if you create the stress points that come with buying a house or having a kid, even with the most amazing couple, those are kind of, those can be very stressful situations. They can, and they don't have a really good foundation of how to communicate. They could ruin a relationship and maybe remind her of that. But this is after you've kind of pumped her up and made her feel confident about herself and her relationship would be my advice. It's a tough situation. But I think if you come in hot and you come in kind of critical, she's just going to get defensive and she's going to say things like,

why can't you just be happy for me? I finally found this and he's a great guy. So don't make her feel like you're not happy for her. It's a real fine line. I think it's kind of tricky, you know, just really make her feel confident about what she has. And why I say get to know him is because we don't really know what he thinks, you know, just really make her feel confident about what she has. But why I say get to know him is because we don't really know what he thinks, you know,

and not saying not to believe her, but she, who knows, right? Is it even her place, though, to say anything as a friend? I mean, they're friends, right? I don't, if it's your best friend, I want to, you know, everyone has friends for different reasons. I want to, you know, everyone has friends for different reasons. I want to have my closest friends. I want to have the type of relationship with my closest friends that they can check me from time to time if I'm leading more emotionally and not with my head in situations where I'm

vulnerable because of my insecurities, right? We all can be insecure at times. And when we lead with those insecurities, I want to have people in my life to be able to check me, you know, as long as it's coming from a good place. But again, that's why I wouldn't rush to judgment. I wouldn't come out and say, hey, sit down, like, don't do this. Because who knows? This could all be a great thing. If he is sincere and they're mutually feeling each other and they're just ready to settle down, hey, you know, there's nothing necessarily wrong with it. I mean,

you know her more than we do. But I mean, is it her place? I guess it just depends on the relationship. Kelly's entitled to her opinion and her friend is entitled to get offended by it if she doesn't like it. I just think be supportive. And my guess is your friend's feeling a little insecure, even though she's excited and confident. If the story you're painting is accurate, that she's dated all these guys throughout the years and always liked a guy. And then he always ghosted her. And then she's finally met this guy that she also likes who likes her back, she is, most people tend to want to, you know, rush to lock it down, so to speak.

That's, I would assume, a natural reaction. You know, so try to make her feel confident. Part of me feels like she's trying to get to that point because most of my friends are like we've all either been in a long term relationship or some of us are married, you know. So I feel like she thinks that she might be behind and she needs to maybe essentially follow that stereotype that you need to have everything figured out by the time you're 30, you know, which isn't really the norm anymore, but I can see why she thinks that. What's yours? Are you, what's your dating situation? Um, I've been in a relationship for, for three years and I dated a guy before for five years. But you're not married with kids on the way or anything like that?

five years you're not like but you're not married with kids on the way or anything like that no i'm not and i guess that's why i'm more like concerned for her because i dated someone for five years and it didn't work out and like you know this could go two ways because for five years you feel like you know somebody and then you don't marry them so you you think like, how long do I need to wait before I get married? Yeah. Or, you know, is it just kind of like when you know, you know. It all depends. That's a whole different question. The truth is there's so many variables, right?

Like you don't want to make sure you're not projecting your own bullshit on your friends. So you could be doing a little bit of that. You guys are the same age. You dated this guy for five years. So you met a guy early in your 20s, right? And when we're younger, we haven't totally, we have less experience and we figured out. So you spent those five years dating one guy. It seemed like he maybe might be forever at time to time. But over the course of five years, you guys grew apart. Your friend wasn't in a relationship, but she had the luxury of dating a bunch of different guys. So it doesn't mean she might have, in a sense, more experience about all the different guys that are out there than you.

Right. And now she's finally settled down on this one guy. I mean, all I'm saying is you do want to be careful of not projecting your own bullshit onto her. That doesn't mean, it doesn't mean you don't have the right as a friend just to just point it out. You know, you're not judging her or the relationship. You're just simply saying you've met this guy for three months and you're right. Like realistically speaking, she doesn't know him that well. It's only, it's three months. Like she just, she doesn't, right? It takes years to truly get to know someone and then

share those experiences. And it's definitely a risk on your friend's part to buy a house with someone she's known for three months. Like it may work out, but it's a risk, right? It's definitely a risk to like, to get pregnant with someone you've only known for three months. It might work out, but it's a risk. So it's fair to point that out. But just, you know, you want to make sure like your life experiences have been very different. So, and if all you're suggesting is, listen, if he's the guy, if he's your guy, he's not going to go anywhere. So, you know, why don't you spend the first year of your relationship really just enjoying each other? You don't have to plan anything. Take trips together. Get to, you know, have fun, you know, because if they do buy a house and start having kids,

it's going to very much change that relationship. And they'll probably wish they took more trips together and spent more time with each other. So maybe play that angle in terms of like, you know, really just enjoy each other. And if it, he's not, you know, if he's your guy, he's not going to go anywhere. Right?

Yeah. And just, again again i just think she tried to make her feel confident as much as possible about this relationship and she may just realize that on her own that she doesn't need to rush it and my guess is this desire to rush it is coming from a little bit of place of insecurity on her part because she's never had this before and she's probably trying to lock it down. But, you know, you guys have, you've had very different dating lives and being single and dating a bunch of guys is experience in itself. And you've had experience in a relationship, but less experience dating a bunch of guys, right? You know, I'm not knocking what you've done, but someone can say like, well, Kelly, you've only dated two guys. How do you really know what you, you know, kind of? Yeah. Like, what do you know? Yeah. So everyone's experience is different. So, but I, again, I think friendships, good friendships are the ones

where you can have honest conversations and you don't get defensive. And there's a small group of people in your life that know you and that you're willing to get critical feedback, whether they're right and wrong or wrong. And that when someone that you love and you trust points something out to you, you just simply say, well, let me think about that because you know me and I trust you. Whether I agree or not, I won't get immediately defensive. So hopefully you guys have that relationship.

And if you do, just again, just be supportive and just point out her options. That's all. But we don't know whether this is a bad situation for her or it's going to be a mistake. You know, it's but yeah, I think you just love her and you, you want her to not make unnecessary risky choices if she doesn't have to. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So hopefully that's helpful. No, definitely. It is. Cause like Rochelle said, this might not be your business, you know, but, um,

I want to be able to be there for her and I, and I want her to lay out everything and think about, think about everything. Cause it is a huge, like you said, risk and decision to make. And, um, you know, it just has to be a well thought out decision. I mean, again, I kind of had said it, but I don't, it just depends on your friendship, right? It would be weird for you to randomly go up to someone you've barely met and point this out.

But, you know, again, I can only speak for myself. I hope I have, I want people in my life that, you know, can just check me. Like I said, it doesn't mean they're right or wrong, but like I'm willing to listen to their conversations and critical feedback, mean they're right or wrong, but like I'm willing to listen to their conversations and critical feedback, whether I take it or not, it's important to have people like that in our lives. And so I kind of give my closest friends permission to always do that. And I hope that I am willing to listen and I want to have friends that are open to me doing that because we just want the best for each other.

Yeah, absolutely. So cool. All right, Kelly, thanks so much i appreciate it hopefully it works out yeah thank you all right thank you bye bye bye have you heard of the crabs in the bucket thing no what's that well it's like if there's crabs in a bucket and one tries to get out the other crabs pull it back down like i sure i wonder if that's like if a woman is doing something different than the rest of the group but they're like hey like you can't do that like we all are doing the same thing we're all like in a relationship right now or we're all single right now i think they're i think people again do that yeah as much i mean i mean, I don't know if it's a man or a woman thing. I think we all,

I think parts of our lives, there's this, I think there's this kind of stage in our lives where, you know, you have high school, you have college, and then in your 20s, you still kind of have this strong friend group. You know, especially nowadays, people are settling down earlier in life. So even after college, you generally have your friend group, right? And then you start dating and you have serious relationships. But I think a lot of people have their close friend group. And then into your late to mid-20s or early 30s when people start actually like getting married and having kids, those slowly change. And I think that is a part in your life your late 20s where it's definitely

the adjustment yeah period in your life and if someone's and it can be wait you need to be like me yeah it can well it could be scary and you can want to hold on to that group right some people do it first and then and yes i think that projecting goes on and like you know like we pointed out for kelly who knows maybe i think we brought it to light that maybe she could be projecting but it didn't seem like she's thinking illogical everything she said let's assume everything she said is true yeah that her friend uh dated a bunch of guys that she wanted to date but didn't want to date her yeah she finally met a guy she's only dating for three months.

According to her friend, they seem to be on the same page, but they're also talking about marriage, kids, and buying a house. Like we said, for all we know, this could be her guy. It all works out. But regardless, it's a risk, right? And so we're just trying to, if you have a friend in that situation, how do you bring that up? And I just think, again, what kelly is saying is true then my guess is her friend is still a little insecure like she she has it she believes in it but she's like i mean i would be

you know if i if i wanted something so bad and i finally thought i have it you feel like how do you protect it how do you hug it so hard you strangle it and then it dies. Exactly, right? So, you know, there's all these analogies of the crabs in the bucket, great analogy. And I think that's applicable. And I also think when we do that, we kind of squeeze the shit out of something

we don't want to lose. And it sounds like your friend might be doing a little bit of that. So we're just trying to get Kelly to figure out how to tell her friend to like, still hug it, hold it, keep it close, protect it, but don't strangle the shit out of it. You know, again, spend your first year having fun, you know, because kids and buying a house isn't really going to lock anything down. It's just going to make it really difficult to get

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NHOils.com, new customers get 20% off with code natural. Check us out. NHOils.com. New customers get 20% off with code natural. Check us out. Leave a review. Hi, I'm Jenny. I'm 22. Hi, Jenny. And so my question is, how do I express my frustrations, like big or small, or any problem really to my boyfriend that won't trigger his anxiety or lead him to having an anxiety attack. So you're, you have this boyfriend, how long you guys been dating for? Almost a year now.

And we're pretty, I would say it's like the serious, most serious boyfriend I've had so far. Okay. And you're saying that anytime that you're, so does your boyfriend suffer from serious anxiety or is he just kind of like generally have anxiety like he suffers from serious anxiety um he's actually diagnosed okay and so when you guys have uh any issues or frustrations on your part you it

you're afraid to express yourself because it seems to trigger his anxiety yeah i mean i do still express myself because i mean i'm human and it affects me too and if i don't get off my chest i will like also be i don't want to build up pretty much but i do try to express it in certain ways that i don't think would trigger him but sometimes it's like he can't help but to feel so like i don't want to use the word sensitive but yeah like sensitive to sure certain things or like the idea of like um upsetting me like that really hurts him too so he's been diagnosed with anxiety uh yeah and what is he doing to help himself in this space? I mean, when we first started dating, I introduced him to essential oils, aromatherapy.

I got him a diffuser. And then now I got him back into meditating too, which has really helped a lot. But I'm just like, can I, I kind of. What is he doing? I mean, that's all great. And I'm glad that you know you seem to love him and are helping him out but what is what is he doing for himself um about regarding

his anxiety well besides meditating um i i don't know anything else like. So he's not like getting professional help or talking to a therapist on a regular basis? No. Does he take medication? No, he doesn't really want to take medication for it. And he said he would rather deal with it on his own first, or not deal with it, but like try to find ways for that he could just be stronger

in a sense that's what he says yeah it's a tough situation right um yeah i'm a huge believer and in any situation especially a dating one that uh especially when we're dating we always want to help our partner and help them be the best version of themselves. But we can't help people, whether we're dating them or they're a friend or a coworker or whatever. You can't help people who don't want to help themselves. And some people, it's harder for them to help themselves. But at the same time, if he's aware that he has anxiety and he says things like, well, I want to do it on my own, then he needs to try to start doing that. You can continue to give him ideas and encourage him and be a supportive person, but it's a really tough position for you to be in. And if he's constantly not willing to

do these things, and it's nice that he's meditating and it's great that he uses essential oils, but if he's really diagnosed with anxiety and it's really affecting his life and then your relationship, he should want to actively try to find a routine and ways to try to deal with his anxiety. And it's not always going to work and there's going to be ups and downs. But if it's just having this mindset that I will deal with it and then subsequently anytime you get frustrated or say something to him, and then he's like, well, that makes me anxious. And now I'm mad. It's just

like this slippery slope. I mean, again, like you said, you are human and you have the right to express your frustration. So it's like, how do you communicate with someone with every time you're afraid of just even calmly or pointing something out? It's quote unquote triggers their emotion. It's like it seems to be unfair. And I don't know if your boyfriend's doing this. Sometimes we have a way of using our shortcomings or weaknesses or things that we struggle with as a way, as an excuse to get out of things, as a defense mechanism, you know, to say, well, yeah, that makes me anxious.

Don't do that. And again, I don't know a lot about what's going on, but I will, you know, it's if he's not willing to go out of his way to say, I want to find different ways to be less anxious, short of just don't be mad at me, or just don't get frustrated at me. That's a tough situation for you to be in. And then I think you just have to ask yourself, are you, you know, sometimes we also try to help people and we can be a little critical to like our, you know, how are you communicating with him? You know, are you nitpicking or not? Or, you know, it's tough, you know, you don't want to trigger his anxiety by playing on his insecurities. And I think sometimes in relationships,

we do that where we get to know each other so well, we realize what bothers them and what doesn't bother them. And sometimes when we're mad, and I'm not saying you're doing this, but sometimes when we're fighting, we subconsciously know how to hurt the other person and point things out that bothers them. And those can be things that you just want to be mindful that you're not doing. But my biggest takeaway is you have to try to encourage him to want to help himself. And I think the essential oils is great. I think the meditation is great. But sometimes if he really is suffering from this, there's other things he needs to do. And I think it's always

good to, you know, seek professional help and talk to someone who can help that person work through it, maybe help them give a routine to help deal with anxiety when it comes up, when they feel things like anxiety, when they feel that anxiety coming in, how do they handle that? You know, there are things and steps and things you can do to try to, to work through it.

So what kinds of stuff are you, is he saying like triggers his anxiety that you, that you do? Um, I would say like, just the idea, like honestly, like the idea of like him, like him doing something that might've upset me. Mm-hmm. Um, and that like saddens him to the point where it really puts his mind into a state of shock. He feels like he's done everything that he's done to prepare and to not make me upset. Yet I feel like there's something that goes wrong that still makes me upset.

He's like, I'm a failure. I can't do anything right. Yeah. He would say things like, I feel like I really failed you today. See, that's not okay because then she can't say anything. No, it's not okay. And again, it's a tough situation. It's really tough because, and again, I don't know your boyfriend,

but the truth is sometimes whether it's on purpose or subconsciously, it's a way people manipulate other people, too. Yeah, it is. Instead of being like, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. It's like, well, then you're constantly on the defensive. Yeah, then you're saying sorry. For all I know, you're a total bitch.

I don't know. You know what I'm saying? I mean, he does say sorry. I know that he's, I truly do know that he's not the type to manipulate me at all. I'm not saying he's deliberately trying to do it. He does say sorry, but sometimes like. Yeah. It's not the type to manipulate me at all but he does say sorry but sometimes like yeah it's not deliberate like it's just you guys have gotten in this weird pattern right he has this anxiety

you guys both know it it's validated by being diagnosed so it's just like oh hey i have anxiety right i just get back to the point of he needs to like what you can do regardless is hold him accountable for helping himself he needs to want to help himself and just saying i'm going to be strong and deal with it is not helping himself and that's neat that he's using essential oils and as much i believe in essential oils it's not a cure for anxiety it helps you get through it it helps you calm down but like it's an ongoing battle of finding what triggers you and then dealing with it and then meditation helps but like sometimes you if he is diagnosed professionally with anxiety then he might need a professional to help him deal and get through it right um you need to be in a place where like you should be able to talk

about it and if he's constantly setting you up to say well i'm afraid i'm gonna fuck up and i'm afraid i'm gonna do this whether he means to or not that's in a way of manipulating and and and then you're on edge and then you're constantly like well what if i do get mad am i even allowed to express myself you know um this it's just right now you guys have created this pattern that's only going to get worse if it doesn't get doesn't get better because you're both going to be walking on eggshells he's walking eggshells afraid of getting you mad you're walking on eggshells being like well if i am mad how do i communicate it because i don't want to i don't

want to have him spiral into this kind of rabbit hole but But what is he doing to help that situation out, right? And I think that's the root of it because he needs to help himself so that you guys can communicate when problems arise. Because in any relationship, whether you're in an early relationship or if you guys continue to date, relationships all have problems. And relationships always have stress points where you guys frustrate each other everyone does the best ones do it's the ones that get through it know how to communicate and you guys are in a situation where you don't seem to so i i i would just you know keep try to figure out well okay fine if this makes you anxious how do how do you

how are we going to deal with this if i i commend him from not wanting to rely on medication but what then what is he going to do right doing nothing isn't an option but that i don't i sorry that phrase commending someone not wanting to be on medication i'm just saying just the joke like if i'm not whether you do or not that's your choice but it doesn't make you a stronger person or better. You know, I'm just saying I'm commending for the desire for him to try not to. Okay. That's it.

If he wants to great, if he needs to fine, but like, listen, I do. We do live in a society that sometimes that is a first option. It doesn't need to be. You don't think so.

I mean, whether if your doctor recommends it fine, but like, you know, there's a whole nother conversation of like the medical industry and how quickly people choose to medicate. But listen, if you need medication, if he needs it, he should be on it, right? It just all depends. I mean, there's so many layers to it.

I'm not saying what's right or wrong. Yeah. And maybe, you know, maybe... It means the lifestyle change. Yeah. uh yeah and maybe you know maybe the lifestyle change yeah listen all i'm saying is he needs to do something and it sounds like based on what you're saying he's not doing anything yeah um really to figure out like to you know meditation is one little thing aromatherapy is one little thing but that's not solving the problem that's's just helping him deal with it when it comes on.

But this kind of rumination he's doing and preparing for you to be mad and then gives him anxiety, that's what he needs to figure out how not to do. And it might be hard. I don't think it's your responsibility to figure out how he should do that. I don't think it's your responsibility to figure out how he should do that. Yeah, I mean, every person has their own way of handling it. And I guess, I don't know, relieving that on their own because it's his anxiety too, not my anxiety. Even if I were to still face anxiety, a bit of it on my like man but it's not to his expense like not my sure but I guess what I'm saying he doesn't keep to just keep saying well I'm the one with anxiety and so yeah you know I get this free pass to react however I react

because I'm clinically diagnosed with anxiety he still has and if he wants to be in a healthy relationship and a lot of people have anxiety are in healthy relationships it's because they figured out how they can not let that anxiety control the relationship and he he just needs to figure out what his options are and again i don't you know based on what you're telling me he hasn't really gone out of his way to like whether it's medication whether it's professional counseling whether it's uh more meditation yoga like you know some other kind of non-traditional thing i don't know what that is but if he's not seeking that out um then he should be he should be doing things because just saying i have anxiety and then and then talking about his anxiety to you and constantly making you feel bad about his anxiety so that you can't get mad is not a healthy situation.

Whether it be intentional or non-intentional. Yeah. I mean, listen, it's tough, right? I dated someone who didn't have the best relationship with her mother, right? And in fairness to my my ex-girlfriend it was like her mom was a lot to deal with right and it wasn't it was toxic you know and i was always trying to help her out and get through it but she just it eventually just became something she wasn't willing to try to do anything about she just wanted to complain and at some point i was

just like well i don't know what to do here. And so we all date people. We all have baggage, right? And we bring our baggage into relationships and we hope that the person we're dating is accepting of our baggage and willing to work through our baggage with us. But we can't date someone and expect them to just accept our baggage no matter what and then not work on it or expect them to fix it for us. We have to be aware of what our baggage is and then be responsible to take care of it on our own with hopefully the help of the people we're with and the people around us.

But it's on us first to own that and then ask for help. But it's not gonna get better unless he wants to do something about it. And you can support him through that. And you can encourage him. And you can give him ideas and say, I'm here for you. But it has to come from him. You can't make him want to do it, you know.

And so whatever that is, I'm not here to offer the solutions. I'm not a professional in that case. But, like, I just know there are options. And whatever those options are, just saying, I'm not a professional in this case but like he i just know there are options and whatever those options are just saying i'm not going to do this i'm just going to be strong is not an option right that that so yeah i think you just got to be supportive and i think in this relationship for you you do have to hold them accountable of that because it if it even it won't get better in this current situation. And eventually you will be in a relationship where you feel trapped and like you feel like you can't be heard because and then you'll feel like, well, I can't say anything because he has anxiety. And what am I supposed to do?

And then you'll feel guilty even though like you have a little bit of anxiety, even though like you haven't been diagnosed with it or like it becomes this kind of weird competition of who has the right to be upset or who has the right to be anxious about a situation you know and that can happen yeah so yeah that that really helped yeah yeah so um be supportive you know and it sounds like you are but ask him like what do how can we how can we do this how can we fix this? How can we fix this? What do you want to do? Not doing anything isn't an option. Yeah. I mean, especially being a person in routine. Like, he also has OCD.

So I guess it's really hard for him to break out of routine. But building a new routine would be something that's a start. Have you talked to him about him you know getting a seeing a therapist or finding yeah i have yeah and full time but and he says like okay yeah i'll consider it um let's see how it goes in two weeks and of course like in two weeks like um there's nothing that would trigger his anxiety you But I'm very for getting a therapist. Even I am seeking. And you're not his therapist. You're his girlfriend.

So don't try to play both roles. Listen, it's a tough situation. There are many variables of this in relationships. What's that balance between helping our partner out with their baggage and taking it on and i don't think it's your responsibility to take it on i think you're there to help him support him he needs to to lead this charge and if he if you never get that sense that he's willing to do that then it's safe to say it may never get better. And then you have to decide, love him or not,

can you really have a relationship with someone who's never willing to figure out their stuff? Because, you know, it sounds cold, but this was long ago, but me and my girlfriend broke up. you know, I finally ended it. And, you know, we were having a talk and she was sad and she was just like, but you know, I have this thing. And it kind of threw to my face. That's not okay.

And I said to her, listen, I've been there for you and you can't, like, you know, I've tried and this sounds cold, but it's not my problem anymore. Wow. That's hard for a lot of people to say. Like, you know, I've tried and this sounds cold, but it's not my problem anymore. Wow. That's hard for a lot of people to say that. And I felt really bad because like for so much in this relationship, I did try to take it on and I was constantly trying to give her ideas and, you know, and then, and I felt like, you know, I'm fighting with her, but eventually it was just like, you can't put

that on me. It is not my problem. I didn't, you know, and she was really mad at me for that but like i had exhausted every option and i just knew that that relationship would be it became toxic in our well that's a sign that she wasn't willing to work it on it herself if she was depending on you if she's saying you're my only support in this that's i mean she like threw it in my face about like my family you know i have a great family and like my family was very supportive and truthfully my family offered her a level of stability she didn't get her own family it she she didn't mean it manipulatively i know but like good for you for recognizing that that

you didn't need to take that yeah but the point is is like it's hard in relationships to recognize that yeah it took a long time for me to to get to place. And it wasn't easy and it's hard and I felt a lot of guilt. But I finally realized that I know I did my part and she refused to do hers. And she kept using it more of an excuse and a crutch rather than something she actually wanted to get over. Yeah. yeah and I mean he realizes that like whenever he does um have anxiety attack like I would drop whatever is bothering me and just comfort him you know and um in one disagreement I got like it was a pretty big big disagreement um he actually like just like paused for a moment and was like okay you know I'm setting my panic attack aside or or anxiety attack aside right now to talk to you oh good but even that's and and

but i felt like that was a little backhanded yeah that's what i'm saying he's just like i'm gonna put my shit aside to talk to you like it's not a favor he listen what he he probably doesn't realize it right and he may not deliberately try to be manipulative but like i we've people in that situation can eventually subconsciously use it as a crutch and and they end up using him manipulative in a manipulative way i just think you really need to start holding him accountable to help himself out because people who don't want to help, like you can't help someone who won't help themselves. And I think you need to remember that and say that to yourself a lot because you can love someone, but if they're not willing to help themselves and you really have no shot of helping them.

And when they hold on to this thing that they say they want help with, but they really don't, and they end up just like bringing it up every time it almost kind of serves them well and kind of gets them through. And then they end up using it excuses, you know, and it may be a valid excuse, but it's still an excuse and an excuse that they don't ever seem to want to do anything about. And I think that's the thing you need to figure out and it's a tough situation you know a lot of i think a lot of people deal with that yeah that's true all right you'll figure it out but like just yeah and if he's not your guy and i you know that's okay and he'll you'll be okay you can't feel bad about whatever the fallout from that is and what he like

uses to try and make you feel bad it's a really tough thing because and if if your situation was anything like mine for different reasons like you you even become attached to it i wanted to help her and i really loved her and i really cared about her and it was just it's it's really tough to do uh but uh it also can be a trap and that's like uh what is that alcoholics anonymous they go to the the people who love them go to um alananda i don't know oh because yeah there there's the role that other people play in other people's problems i mean listen I think whether you're an addict or have anxiety or whatever, I think we often have a really bad habit

of shitting on the people we love the most because we feel comfortable. We feel safe with them. They won't go anywhere. They won't leave us. And so we have a bad habit of sometimes treating the people we say we love the most the worst.

Keep your head up high. You're going to be fine. But I will say, final thoughts, follow your gut. If what we're saying makes you feel down about the future, then maybe there's something in your gut telling you something that you know what's up, right? Yeah, it's something that your gut telling you something that you know what's up, right? Yeah. If you feel uplifted. Something that definitely needs to be addressed. Yeah.

Yeah. And acknowledged. Yeah. And you're young and maybe this will work out, but don't ever be afraid to find something that you deserve. You know, this is not your burden. You weren't put on this earth to fix him.

Okay, that's true. Alright. Thank you. Thanks, Jennifer. Have a great day. Best of luck. You too. Thank you. I was listening to this podcast and this therapist said, it's never your responsibility not to trigger someone else.

It's their responsibility to know what to do when they get triggered and how to work through that. I feel like that's what I was kind of trying to say, but in a more long-winded version. But yeah, no, it's totally, totally true. And it's a sticky situation, like especially now at times, you know, the victim card or whatever you know it's if you are a victim and whatever that is and victim of anxiety victim of uh alcoholism that you know fine a victim of a broken home whatever that sucks and it's not fair but at some point it's on all of us to deal with our own baggage. I will say it is hard in this country to

a lot of times to get help. And there is a stigma against medication, against mental illness in general, which makes it hard for a lot of people to go and get the help they need. And so that unfortunately sucks. It can, but I think it's becoming less and less of a stigma and we keep talking about it. That's why we talk about it on this podcast. And again, we're not here to knock whether you should take medication or not. I mean, listen, if all things being equal, I think most people would try to avoid it because taking medication biologically, it's harder to do. Some people will go to that quicker than others. And listen to your healthcare professional on that. And if you want to try to avoid it great but you that to your point like if

you're gonna not take medication then find it somewhere else right um but yes uh you know i feel like we're getting better at that it's it's different than it was five years ago i mean 10 years ago yeah seeing it i mean i i remember once someone told me i don't remember but i remember the conversation and someone's like if you ever don't ever see a therapist because it will go on your records and your employer will think you're crazy that was like an actual thing i remember hearing that and i remember being like wow really who and i was like in my early 20s my friend works for the government and he's not allowed to see a therapist. He'll get fired if he does. Isn't that crazy?

What? Yeah. Really? Yeah. He works for like, he like works for some, I don't know. He's not allowed to tell me what he does. Isn't that crazy? It's backwards.

I mean, is he like a spy though? I mean, I get like a therapist. They don't want to tell secrets and shit. But all what is your name my name is sarah how old are you sarah i am 23 almost 24 great how can we help you sarah so recently i had a friend come into town to visit and he brought a buddy with him, um, from my hometown. And I recently moved out here to Colorado and, um, this buddy and I ended up hitting it off really well and ended up hooking up. Um, and then really quickly it turned all couple-y. When I originally, you know, like made the decision to hook up with him, it was just with no intentions of it being anything more than that, because they were

only visiting for like a week or so. So like I had no expectations beyond that. But as I said, it got really couple-y and he would like hold my hand in front of like our mutual friends, because there's more than just me here. He would send me like good morning text messages and there would be like a lot of PDA. And we actually he actually sat down and took the time to like get to know me. But anyway, so towards the end of this trip, I was with him in the car and I was on Facebook and I showed him that I saw like his name pop up and I added him on Facebook. But he actually didn't accept the request right away. And he would sit on Facebook over the next like two days, like in front of me and like on other people's profiles, but wouldn't actually

accept it. And I thought it was really weird. And I ended up going back to his profile and seeing that he was engaged to this girl. Now, before him and I ever hooked up, I found out he had just, you know, openly told me a lot about him that he actually has a seven year old daughter and a baby mama, obviously, and that he was recently engaged to this girl. So I thought it was really weird that he was still engaged to her on Facebook and took some time to like accept my request. But then I ended up getting a friend request from him. So he actually ignored it and then changed the status on there. But anyway, so then after he leaves, he like left me a bunch of sticky notes all around my room trying to be all cute. And then I the guy. Yeah. And then I, the guy, yeah. And then, I mean, I wasn't expecting it. There were like really cute things that you

wouldn't just say unless you like had feelings for somebody. And then I got a text message about like 45 minutes after talking to him the night after he left. And it seemed like it was his ex. Um, and she texted me and what I got was, um, Hey, like he wasn't, I know he wasn't being really truthful from you. Like I learned in the past that, you know, he lies and all this and that she's like, he has a baby mama, a daughter and a fiance back home and i responded you must be and then his name but i was like you must be like anna um the baby mama is jessica and his cute seven-year-old daughter is emily and so wait so he has a a fiance or an ex-fiance and that's not the baby mama no yeah they're two different women and so the fiance reached out to you

i think she's the one who reached out to me but when i responded with that text she never got back to me and you got like an anonymous text from somebody yeah i got just like a text message and i thought it was really how did you like this is and this is a mutual friend? Like who introduced you? So I actually kind of met him back in Florida is where I'm from. I met him sort of, I don't really remember, but he does. And we have a bunch of mutual friends. What do they say about him? So I don't know. Well, one of them, I didn't really know her until I moved out here,

but we all had mutual friends. And she was with us when there was PDA. So I'm wondering if she saw something and was like, wait a minute, and told her, because I don't know how she found out. But she sent me screenshots of a conversation with him and her. And the only thing she really showed in it, she had her little typing bar up and it just showed that like oh do you want really want to be with this girl and he said no um which doesn't honestly really mean anything to me because i'm not it's not saying that i'm trying to look for a relationship but he has mentioned about moving out to colorado so what he wants to live out here question

so yeah so my question is am i the mistress or is there something more to this well i mean i don't i don't know is and i won't i won't be able to figure that out with the information you have i don't know if that's really the the issue i mean what do you want uh do you want to date this guy i mean it really comes down to if he moved out to colorado or not which he was talking heavily about it the entire time he was here um but i mean i don't want to say i had feelings for him and i wouldn't really be like bothered if nothing continued but he stayed in contact with me even after these text messages between me and his ex okay but like but the okay like the fact that he's kept in touch with you after you guys hooked up isn't like

he doesn't deserve he doesn't get a prize for that like that's no i and i i agree with that and i'm not like i'm very much open to like he said he still wants to come out to visit in the meantime of trying to move out here and I'm taking everything he says with a grain of salt because it wasn't I had no expectations for anything I just figured no fun you know like some no strings fun do you do you like him I mean the thing is yes or no there's something very different with him and i don't want to say that i i don't like him but i do like i can see something with him and he's the first guy that i feel like we have what can you see this kind of i mean i can see a future like i'm not bothered by the fact that he has a daughter which i I think is weird because I feel like normally I would have my walls up about something like this. And I mean, we have a connection that I

can't really explain. And it kind of comes into like how he looks at me and how he is with me. But he actually took the time to get to know me and him and I have the same background history. When you say he took the time to get to know you, what do you mean? Like he, he asked you a few questions on a, after sex? Yeah. Like I've never had really a guy do that where like he wanted to know about my family and like about just me in general and like the things I had been through because him and I both have the same family history. We both like didn't grow up with like our parents really. and we're raised by our grandparents has that been ongoing has he continued to try to get to know you or has that been a one-off experience

no i mean he's continued to get to know me and has definitely put more effort into making this more of a thing even though he might have told his ex that like that's not what he wanted but from my speculation and what i understand and what he has told me, because he was really open about his past and, like, both these women. Like, he didn't want to talk so much about the ex, but the baby mama he, like, told me a lot about. From what I understand, I think it was, like, really recent that they broke things off and then they got back together. Or maybe they were going to work it out. But then he came out here to visit and with the expectations that it was that he was done he told me he it was over but

i'm not really sure he did take out the engagement off of facebook so i'm thinking that's like progress like maybe he's being truthful but it's really hard to like tell us who to believe like yeah you listen you say a lot of things when you're talking that you clearly have a lot of reservations about him and that can be both like those are those red flags that we talk about and and equally exciting uh to try to figure out and it keeps you on your toes what's your. What's your relationship history before him? Like, have you had serious relationships? Yeah, also at college, I was in a really serious relationship. And then when that ended, I moved out to Colorado.

Because this is what I had wanted to do for the past years. And he didn't seem to really make that a priority. Your ex to move to Colorado? Yeah, my ex. Yeah, so he stayed back in Florida while I moved out here. And now this guy ex to move to colorado yeah my my ex yeah so he stayed back in florida while i moved out here and now this guy wants to move to colorado yeah and i i think he's being serious about it because of like how he's talked about it i mean colorado is amazing like everybody comes here and says the same thing but that's also the problem everybody says they want to do it but

nobody i feel like actually does sure so I mean and he also has a lot going on like he has a daughter and he would have to get full custody of her because he wouldn't want to leave her behind but that's I mean not so much of the topic but I mean if he did move out here I would be open to seeing where it went um because I haven't had this kind of like bond with somebody. Every other guy that I've dated, they were, you know, like very fortunate to have both their parents. And I think that caused problems

in my relationships in the past that like they just don't understand me or maybe like the way I think or we just don't see eye to eye. And I think with him, we just get each other and it just seems so like organic and natural and nothing felt forced. And I mean, I didn we just get each other. And it just seems so organic and natural and nothing felt forced. And I mean, I didn't really think too much into it until he started acting all couple-y.

And I thought that was interesting. So here's the thing. Here's what I think. I think there's a lot going on here. And I think you're kind of projecting a little bit in terms of the things that you haven't had in the past relationship versus the things that you've looked for you're you're connecting with this guy based off of these mutual experiences and understanding each other and that's great and that's fun to do it doesn't mean he's your person or you guys have this like amazing chemistry i don't i don't know

the answer but i don't i wouldn't give, I wouldn't overhype just like the first guy you've connected with that, like, you feel like understands you because your last boyfriends didn't necessarily understand you, right? It's going to take, it takes time to really figure out whether you have a true kind of emotional chemistry with someone and really get to know them and the excitement of the fact that he's even moving to colorado and your last one didn't or the fact that uh his upbringing was similar to yours feels really kind of good to his it's just a weight off your shoulders and it's it's over it's over glorified because he didn't have it before especially early on you're just like oh my god this is so refreshing right it feels so great um but the truth is, as far as a specific relationship, you don't really know.

You're spending a lot of energy trying to figure out, am I the mistress? Am I the girl he likes? He doesn't even live there yet. So you met a guy. He seems nice. If you're open to continue to talk with him, keep talking about him. Stop trying to figure it out right now because he doesn't live there. You know, you don't have to rush into a situation. There is, you know, the fact that he has a kid is

fine. The fact that he has an ex-fiance doesn't make him a bad guy, but he's coming with a lot of baggage. And who knows, maybe this ex-fiance is kind of inciting herself and she's a little mad and jealous and who knows? You don't really know. So maybe he just, maybe he's the greatest guy ever and he just got a dated someone who's a little, you know, and his baby mom was somebody he like, you know,

they got pregnant early in life and that's just something he's dealing with. I wouldn't spend a lot of energy trying to figure it out. It'll figure itself out. Let him come to Colorado. And if he keeps talking to him, like when you say like why wasn't all that interested in dating until he talked about interested in dating me like ah i would i would caution that kind of mindset of decide for yourself whether you whether you want

to date him just because a guy's open to dating you isn't like you know i get it so it's like well i didn't want to i want to be the cool chick and just like hook up and that's fine you know and i don't want to seem like I'm going to get clingy. But then he started talking about wanting to date me and then fine, I'm open to it. But if you like them, then pursue it. But take it slow. You don't have to figure it out all in a day. But trust your gut and listen, you know, pay attention to those red flags.

There are some red flags there. And you're saying it. What do you think the red flags would be? You know what they are. You're even saying it. You're just like, well, I kind of trust him. I think I can trust him. The fact that you're already questioning whether you can trust this guy is a red flag.

He didn't friend you on Facebook. You went back. You saw he was engaged. You didn't know that. Those are red flags. Also, they might have been justified. Maybe he would just, let me just like, I just met this chick. She requested me.

And I know my ex-fiance, she's going to flip out. And he was just let me just like i just met this chick i she requested me and i know my ex-fiance she's gonna flip out and he was just trying to avoid that you know but why couldn't he tell her that yeah who knows because he just hooked up with her you know again which is what what i thought was weird i mean like he left the request open and then I think at one point, um, after he left, he declined it. Cause then it, it's like that ad friend was like grayed out. So I couldn't do anything like, or like retract the request. And then I received a request and this is all morning and I was like, okay. And this is all like right after you guys kind of first met and hooked up. Well, this is like a week and a half. Okay. Yes, okay, yes. So he was here and he stayed at my place and he slept over in my room every night.

We were together every time I wasn't at work. Yeah, and that's great, but it's still only two weeks of knowing someone. And that's not a relationship. Like a lot of times. Yeah, that's not a relationship. And again, those are red flags. I don't have the answer. All I'm saying is there might be some justified experience.

He doesn't really know you. Maybe he got caught up in the excitement of meeting you. And like, he is broken up with his ex-fiance, but like, hey, I, you know, I broke up with my girlfriend once and I met another girl and kind of in this honeymoon phase and she found out i was dating this girl and then she showed up in the lobby of her hotel room and and of her apartment building and refused to leave until i came down i mean she was intense and so like i we were broken up i was really honest but i knew that like i didn't want her to know it because I didn't trust how she was going to react. Who is this?

It was a long time ago. And so what I'm simply saying is this, like, I can't, I don't know this guy and I can't try to figure it out. But I do know that like, you're getting in the minutia of like Facebook requests and follows and all that bullshit. It's just like, I don't, I don't know. And it doesn't really matter. And you're wasting a lot of energy trying to figure it out you like a guy i think keep talking to him there are some red there's

some questionable things these are all potential red flags that if you just if you trust your gut and not trying to like make excuses for him it'll like and you you know it'll it'll work itself out if he he doesn't even live here. So why are you spending a lot of energy trying to figure out whether you should date a guy who doesn't live there, assuming you don't want to be in a long-term relationship with him? Yeah, I definitely don't want to be in a long-distance relationship or anything like that. And I know I've been very reserved about being in a relationship recently. I've been talking to a couple guys and i've been you know going through some other stuff so i kind of cut that off but i mean for i think

another question that i do have is like regarding this ex and like if that's weird that like it's hard because i don't know how to go about this and i don't know if i should ask him if like he is being truthful and that like they are broken up or if i should ask him if he is being truthful and that they are broken up or if I should just kind of let it play out and see what happens. If you question whether he's even actually broken up, that's a huge red flag. I mean, there's something telling you that he's not. I mean, I don't think a Facebook status is the end-all be-all. If that's the only thing, who knows?

No, exactly. My guess is there's something more. Trust your gut. I think you know. I think you like this guy. It's exciting. I don't think you're probably over-glorifying this mutual connection of him getting you that

you haven't had before. At the same time, you sense these red flags that he's showing. You're trying to balance that out. I feel like that's what's these red flags he's showing you're trying to like balance that out and i feel like that's what's going on and it's like you're identifying with this connection but like damn it there's these red flags i don't really know if i could trust him but i want to be able to trust him because like i really like how he makes me feel when i'm with him but you can't convince yourself to trust someone so i mean we can go on and on about this but like

i i just think that right now uh you're to figure out, you're trying to fast forward this relationship and get answers that might take time. But like, I think you rightfully so might not trust him. And I would pay attention to that and less than you pay attention to the fact that like, it's neat that he recognizes and relates to your childhood. the fact that like it's neat that he recognizes and relates to your childhood yeah and i don't know if i'm so much concerned about like him and i because i mean like i know what i want and i mean obviously i can't really tell what he wants because he hasn't actually said it i mean he's he said things like you know like where have you been my whole life and like like how sooner and things like that but like and he definitely put paints me in this light where like i'm this perfect person and it's like i mean yeah and like i said i take it i take it as a grain of salt like but

like no you don't you want to believe it you don't listen here's the thing you you really like this guy and you're making a bunch of bullshit excuses for yourself and your actions and the way you feel and you're just listen you want to you want to believe that he's the guy you've always been looking for and you want to believe he's great and all these things and the truth is you don't really know and you're trying to like call us up and say and and you want me to give you permission to pursue him and like tell him he's the greatest guy i don't have an answer for you and so like I think the moral of this call is you need to do a better job of being honest with yourself and trusting your gut about what you really want. And like, if you want to

continue to hang out with them, hang out with it, but take it really slow. And you know, like, if you want to take the risk of continuing to get to know him, knowing that deep down, you don't trust him yet yet and he has some baggage, just know that you are taking a risk. I don't think you should like make that big of a deal about the fact that he is the first person in your young life to connect with about your childhood or your parents

and your relationships. You will find more people like that. But Sarah, we all do this. Like I've done it a million times. We all do this. Everyone's listening. This is a great call. We've all do this. Like I've done it a million times. We all do this. Everyone's listening. This is a great call. We've all done this.

This is a very relatable thing. It's easy for us to sit here not being invested in your story to be hard on you. But I feel like you need a little bit of tough love here because you're just like, I don't get the sense that you really want to hear what we have to say. I think you're hoping to hear what you want to hear. And that is that he's a great guy. Or you just want me to tell you that he's an asshole and just definitely don't trust him so that you can just push him away. So I just think you have to really trust, you have to get better at trusting your gut and not making excuses and try not to over glorify.

A couple words. You know, words he says. And it feels good and it's nice. It's hard, yeah. But you're young and maybe be single for a while and let things come along. This whole like, well, I wasn't looking for a a boyfriend but then he said he was interested in me like you want wanting a boyfriend and needing a boyfriend are two different things like that's good that you want a boyfriend i mean that's but that i mean for me that's not really what it's

about because like like we've talked about he doesn't live here and i mean but you want i'm kind of just down for the ride just to see where it goes. And like, if you want to come and visit, like, that's cool too. But I don't think you're down for the ride. Coming down to is, is this fiance, this quote unquote fiance. And I'm just trying to figure out like, is it sketchy that like she reaches out to me? Like, how did she get my number? You don't even know if it was her, Sarah. And also, you're not down for the ride, right? If you were down for the ride, like you say you're down for the ride and that he doesn't

live there, you'd be like, I don't know. Maybe he does or doesn't have a fiance, but not my problem. I don't care, yeah. I'm down for the ride. And I'm like, we'll talk to him. And if he's in town, we'll have some sex. And if he leaves and whatever, I'm also dating other people. That's what, if you were down also dating other people that's what if you

were down for the ride that's what your mentality would be but you're not down for the ride you kind of like him and you want to figure out whether you and that's fine too yeah but you stop pretending to be down for the ride when you like him right and stop giving you tough love but like it's you need a yeah i think you need a like a metaphorical kick in the kick in the ass right now um because you're you're just gonna you're spinning your wheels and you're gonna like this I think you need a metaphorical kick in the ass right now. Because you're spinning your wheels. This is a recipe of hanging. And I don't know this guy, but he could just be a really good talker.

I'm sure he is. I mean, we talked about that, about how the last guy I dated, he said all the right things and he knew, but I always called him out and i'm like i feel like you're sure and good talkers would know how to answer that yeah that question listen that's true got women in his wake you know not along for the ride so like you have to admit to yourself that you're in a vulnerable state right now and you like this guy and you're trying to figure out like you you're pretending to not care and you care. So I think you first need to admit that you give a shit about this guy and whether you can trust him or not

and then proceed from there. Stop pretending you don't care. Because you do. Right. I mean, I care, but I... We gotta go. We gotta go. Sarah, I don't mean to cut you off i'm not invested i could yes you are you're

very invested and we could probably talk about this and i could argue with you for all day long but like you you you can agree to disagree and this is my humble opinion but you definitely are invested you care and that is totally okay. And I think you should embrace that. Own it. Own it. And you should own that. And as long as you don't own that, you're going to get yourself in a situation

that's going to ultimately make, it's going to create a lot of heartache and pain and questions and anxiety and insecurities. Bad pattern. And it's a really bad pattern. And you do that by pretending you don't care, but actually caring and you very much are invested.

I think my problem is overthinking things. I overanalyze everything. No, no, no. Everyone does. That's not what you're... That's my friend quest. Why did he wait until he left to delete this engagement status?

It's the little things like that that I overthink. Sure. Listen, we all... That's kind of where the problem comes into. Sarah, we always overthink everyone, whether you're an overthinker or not, when we are invested. Your problem is that you are pretending to not be invested when you are. And not trusting your gut. That is your immediate problem and you're not trusting your gut. The rest is all like

you're making excuses. You deserve the world. You don't deserve crumbs. You deserve the whole meal. He's giving you crumbs of affection. Who cares? Again, we don't really know, but what you're, you just keep pretending that you don't care and you do.

So, all right. I've been there, girl. We've all been there, Sarah. All right. You're going to be fine,

but just be honest with yourself. Okay. I mean, I feel like i'm being pretty honest like it still comes down to this whole fiance thing like my time with because he's still like invested in her or not but i mean i i hear you guys and i know you don't all right thank you sarah thank you so much for calling. Have a good day. Bye. Thank you. You too. All right. Bye-bye.

It was so good to see you guys. You too. You too. I mean, in all fairness, my guess is a lot of people listening can relate to Sarah. I've been there. We've been there. She just doesn't want to hear it. Yeah.

And like something my therapist has told me is like i've felt like that with people like oh my god we have so much in common it just feels so comfortable and she's like that comfortable feeling could be a bad pattern you're repeating and repeating in your life like it doesn't make him prince charming and the first time you connected with someone about something it's probably a comfort that you haven't had. So it feels amazing. Yeah. And you're. Yeah. Anytime. Every time. Like, especially as I've met different women and from the, you know, my first relationship was my first.

And so that was. Yes. And then your second one. Inevitably, they're going to you're going to like them. They're going to do things that your other one didn't. Right. Oh, wow. Love you.

Like, I've been starving. Yeah. You know, it's like only eating salty things you just need a little bit of sweet and you have it for the first time like oh my god this is amazing um no one else in the world is like you you're a perfect and so there's a little bit of that but like more importantly man she just at like we like why a lot of some people are just afraid of the pretend they get like we were talking about being a cool chick the cool chick the different that was

this is a different type of cool chick it's an epidemic I don't care man I just you know I'm down to fuck I'm down to like I'm emotionally not connected I don't care I mean he did leave me post notes with like the nicest things I've ever heard in my entire life but like but I don't care I don't care whatever we're totally fuck buddies entire life. But I don't care. I don't care.

Whatever. We're totally fuck buddies. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Guys, stop leaving post-its if you don't want to get serious because damn, that goes right to the heart.

A good post-it, please. I'm gone for. Fine, but stop being victims about like, you know, if you don't care like a post-it note i don't know like yes do i think guys sometimes we've talked about this before do a little bit too much too early that and and they do romantic things that they actually don't stand behind emotionally yeah sure no but it's on us to be like okay this is adding up yeah ask some questions and like she's littered with red flags that this well it's only this about this fiance it's like well shit yeah if he wasn't married and have eight kids then yes it would be

amazing but he does like i'm not saying this guy but like yeah you're getting anonymous texts from women maybe it's a lot of drama back yeah but that all comes down to she absolutely cares and she refuses to admit it. I know. So start admitting it. Hi, my name's Ashley. Hi, Ashley. How old are you? I am 24.

Awesome. How can we help you, Ashley? Okay. So my boyfriend and I met a little bit over five years ago when we were going to school together in Lincoln our freshman year. He came up from Texas and I'm from Nebraska. After our freshman year, he got a job back in Texas for the railroad. And so it was a really good opportunity. And so we did long distance for the next three years. When I graduated college, I made the tough decision to move down there for him. I'm very close with my family up

in Nebraska, but I really wanted to be together. So I moved down there and we lived together for two years. And he ended up losing his job at the railroad, but they offered him a relocation about four hours from where we were living. And he had about a week to make the decision to take the job or not. And he ended up taking that relocation. I was left in Dallas by myself, and I was really upset that he took the relocation. I ended up moving back to Nebraska, and things were really unclear for us. Then about two weeks later, he lost his job again, and they offered him another relocation.

He ended up not taking it the second time and said, I'm not going to do that to you again. I'm going to move to Nebraska and move back up there with you. That was in early April and it's September and he's still not here yet. And I'm just getting to the point where I don't know if I'm stupid for still like hanging on and thinking that he'll be up here or what's going on. Did you mention the boat? That was a big part of the email, the boat. Right. Rochelle, holding her collars accountable.

So he's had a couple main excuses for why he's not here yet. The first one is that he was trying to get his unemployment unemployment funds squared away before he made the move um and then he's huge into fishing and so he has a really nice fishing boat that um has like a crack in it and he says when i'm in nebraska i can't um i won't really need my boat and so that's been his excuse for the past several months that he's going to move up here once his boat gets fixed. And he's been taking steps to get it fixed. But to me, it's just like, I don't know how to figure it out. You know, I don't know a lot about boats, but how many steps does it take? You know?

Right. Well, so the first part, it was that he was going to get it fixed through his, it was like still under warranty. And so he took it to a place out of state. And then a couple of weeks later, they came back and said, it's not going to like still under warranty and so he took it to a place out of state and then a couple weeks later they came back and said um it's not going to be covered under warranty and so then he was looking to get in and cover through insurance and now he's just having like a family friend fix it sure all right so uh other than the fact that i'm sure you love him and he's great and you guys

have been together forever what do you like about the relationship? When we're together, it's perfect. He's my best friend. We've definitely had our differences, but they've always been just about like the distance and stuff like that. And so, I don't know. He works on the railroad. He's probably hot.

Don't you feel like railroad guys are hot am i right you know i mean physical labor okay uh that seems to be a real real stretch of a generalization um what don't you like about the relationship other than the fact that he's not there i mean so for us it's never been easy. We were together my freshman year of college. And then about six or seven months later, we were long distance for the next three years. And so, I mean, for us, it's always been like,

always looking into the future. And I've just always been so focused on getting back to Nebraska with him and like always having that in mind. Yeah. So that's the thing. I mean, it sounds familiar story. It sounds like your whole relationship is kind of like you said, it's been this almost getting to this end game. You know, if you watch The Bachelor, it's obviously a much different story, but it's kind of how that whole process works is because it's all about kind of withholding time and love and competing against other things and trying to get to this place in which creates a lot of emotions and feelings. Yeah.

You say, well, he's my best friend and we have such a great time when we're with each other. I can only imagine because you spend most of your relationship missing him. Right. And you're spending most of your relationship trying to figure out how to, as you say, get him to Nebraska, which I'm sure has a lot of stresses and anxiety, but it's also kind of very exciting and it keeps you motivated. And then every time you get closer to this goal,

it makes you, that's an excitement in an in and of itself and so i feel like a lot of your love for him and the relationship is based off of this idea of something and not the relationship itself um okay well we did live together for two years okay so like yeah and how was that then um it was only difficult because i didn't know anyone in texas aside from him but um when you lived when you lived together how much was he traveling did i travel how much did he like when you lived together was he like were you guys spending pretty much every night together was he on the road a lot um no so his um work schedule was kind of weird and so he worked um odd hours and my hours

were pretty standard eight to five and so we did get um several nights together a week but not every night which was a stress too gotcha i mean so listen i again one of those things, like, you got to trust your gut. I mean, use words like excuses. So to me, in your heart, you know it's an excuse. It's not a reason, right? And there's a difference between reasons and excuses. So I say it's an excuse. He would say differently. But you feel it's an excuse.

You know? Right. I haven't met very many people who give excuses uh and say well i'm just this is a bullshit excuse but not many not many people own up to that in the in the moment maybe after the fact like yeah i kind of i guess maybe i was using that as an excuse you know what i'm saying so of course he's gonna think it's a justifiable reason and maybe in his head he didn't believe that yeah and so part of it too is though that like like I said this has been going on for so many months like I have given him so many opportunities to just say like tell me you're not coming like it'll be fine I understand um yeah but hold it against you but

you just need to tell me why don't what why are you giving him all this power oh yes you know like is your whole relationship based off of his willingness to move you know i mean yeah yeah um you know you've you've you're invested so i get it though like you've invested so many years in this idea like how can you quit now you know and it's like you're invested so, I get it though. Like you've invested so many years in this idea, like how can you quit now? You know, it's like you're so far away, but you feel so close. It could happen tomorrow. I mean, he could pick up the phone today and say, I'm moving to Nebraska. Well, that's the thing. His boat is like currently getting worked on and it's just like, it's hard for me to just walk away when it's so close. At least I think it is. But is it really that close?

Because the way that you're describing the situation, it seems that it would be reasonable for you to say, I need you here in a couple weeks. Because he doesn't have a job. He could probably make this happen if he really wants. And again, that's up for him to decide whether he thinks that that's a fair request. You know, again, I don't know you guys, the dynamic or, you know, moving to Nebraska is a big ask.

A lot of fear. A lot of people have a lot of fear about moving. But I do think a lot of people stay in relationships because, well, we've been dating for so long, you know, and we've, we're so invested and, you know, yeah, I mean, do you think, can you live without them? I mean, I know you can, but like, do you feel like you can, you know? Um, I mean, I suppose I can. I think it's also kind of difficult because we spent so much of our time like long distance and of course we've always been like being together being married that's kind of the end game and so i've been thinking that since i was a freshman in college kind of like i wouldn't be doing this if i didn't see myself with him in the end sure i get that

i think that's part of it too yeah and you've you kind of had the yeah sure we all best friend we you know i mean that's why people made such a big deal about like when mom pablo's like i've been searching for my wife since i was 18 everyone's like oh that sounded so crazy it wasn't that crazy once we turn 18 we kind of have this thought process i'm not going to date someone unless i see a future with yeah it's all relative yeah um so i totally get where you're you're coming from i mean are you on like as it's like i'm are you basically, I moved to Dallas and now it's like, but I'm settling down in Nebraska. Is that like a non-negotiable for you? Or are you just like, well, all things being equal, if you don't, if you're not working, let's be in Nebraska.

um so i um lived in dallas for a couple years and i really love texas but i'm someone who wants to get you know married and start a family within the next four or five years and this is where all my family is and i don't want to start a family like away from everyone that i know that's a reasonable thought but also don't let that dictate your entire life. I mean, you're, you know what I'm saying? Like if you want to be in Nebraska, be in Nebraska, but even in this current relationship, or if this relationship doesn't work out, uh, kind of, that's just one aspect. It's just like, it's like getting, buying life insurance for a family you don't have type of thing. Like you don't plan so much for the life that you're not living yet. Right. You know, I get that you want to start a family when it's right and ideally

sooner than later. But if you got to find the relationship first, you got to make that work. And again, if you want to be in Nebraska, that's something you want to be. But like, I want to be in a place where you can, can if you have the right partner you can raise a family anywhere you're going to have it with each other and you'll make friends yeah um yeah and you can always travel home to nebraska yeah and if you want to be in nebraska be in nebraska but um it sounds like you guys just really aren't on the same page in terms of what you both really want. And then you're kind of getting in the weeds of like, he's not from Nebraska. No,

he's from like the Dallas area. Yeah. I mean, I guess my gut tells me he probably doesn't want to move to Nebraska. He's scared. So I know he doesn't want to move and he's told me that, but he says that he would. I don't think, yes. And he's told me that. But he says that he would. I don't think.

Yes. And that's great. And the fact that he may feel a little guilt about taking that job and then not working out in this. I don't want to do this to you again. And now he feels like he owes you one. And I think you kind of feel like he owes you one, too. And I'm not saying who's right. Yeah.

I'm not saying who's right. Yeah, I'm not saying who's right or wrong, but I can confidently say that's probably not a healthy approach to getting what you want, right? I don't think in any relationship it's about keeping score or like I think it's about mutually, you know, we talked about this last week

about, you know, being willing to be selfless and knowing that sometimes you have your own selfish needs and there's a balance, but it's not a, you can't keep score. Well, you did this and now I have to do this. And if you're constantly doing that, then it's just like, you guys ultimately,

do you guys want the same things? I think maybe now is a good time in your relationship to just be honest. Do we really want the same things? Are we gonna be happy? Can we be happy? Like if he's going to be miserable in Nebraska, that's not a great start to a relationship. And by start to a relationship, I mean like one that's like, you know, engagement, marriage, kids, right?

Yeah. And so you don't want a guy who's going to be miserable in Nebraska. And so you don't want a guy who's going to be miserable in Nebraska. And if you want to be in Nebraska, you got to find someone who's happy about that. And right now, like he wants to fish on his boat in Texas or whatever. And I get his point of view and I get your point of view. It's really, it's not right or wrong. It's just about communicating.

I don't think you should stay in this relationship based off of your history. And I don't think you should stay in this relationship based off of you feel like you've invested so much and you're so close to getting what you want because you're really not. I don't know. Because even if he moves to Nebraska tomorrow and he's miserable, you're really not really close to getting what you want. So I think you really just need to try to let go of all the things that have happened in the past and whose turn is it to make sacrifices or not and try to make sure that, am I still on the same page with my boyfriend?

Do we want the same things? Do we really love each other enough to both be happy with this type of relationship? Or is this someone I've really loved and grew up with and we have this connection and it's so hard to imagine I'm not being in my life and therefore I'm holding on to something that's maybe not really going to be great in the future? I think those are the questions you should try to ask yourself more and be honest about that and go from there. And stop letting him make like you know you are giving him power by saying well just tell me like you break up with me if you don't want to be with me you know you have to

take ownership too of this relationship too and if um you can't just keep waiting him for him to give an answer because what it sounds like if you give an ultimatum he's going to move to nebraska and be fucking miserable he doesn't have a job he's going to be in a town he doesn't want to be and he's going to only know you as someone who is jobless from college but yeah sure but like you know he's probably feeling unsettled about his employment and that's not necessarily your problem but these are all things are going to create a lot of conflict and tension between you two um yeah. So I think you and him need to reassess together of, do we really want the same things from now going forward?

And how much of our relationship are we basing off the things that we promised ourselves and each other from the past? Wow. Yeah. Try to do that. Yeah, that's definitely helpful and valid to ask and talk about. Yeah, it's tough. It's a tough transitional period that right after college and you guys are figuring each other out and you guys have invested so much with each other.

Sometimes it's a very scary situation. I don't know if this is happening here, to maybe realize that your paths are verging apart rather than closer together. And it's hard to let that go because of all the conversation you've had leading up to this moment that was all about spending your lives with each other. And that can be scary.

Yeah, it sucks it does but what's that's helpful what is worse is guilting each other into

into following through with promises you talked about only to realize after you've been married that you're neither of you are happy and then

you're blaming the other person and then being 27 28 and divorced maybe even with a kid which is yeah you should try to avoid so yeah have these tough conversations now and again focus on the future and and stop trying to uh live up to the promises you guys made to each other in the past because it doesn't really matter yeah all right okay yeah that's very helpful all right well thanks for calling uh best of luck it'll you'll be fine either way i'm certain of that um just be open and to what life will bring you awesome thank you guys so much thank you thank you bye bye i truly feel like the boat is a metaphor in my mind that's what i was getting from the email

like it's like that it's like a metaphor for like procrastinating like once i fix the boat then i'll come get you and like the boat's never getting fixed. Well, like I said, it's an excuse. Yeah, but- And he's pretending it's a reason. Right. He might believe it's an actual reason. He just doesn't want to move. Yeah.

Oh, I feel like you could say that to other people. Oh, your boyfriend's going to come once he fixes the boat. Got it. Sure. Also, she should be careful about him moving if he doesn't want to move. Oh, that's going to be a disaster. My brother's girlfriend moved to be with him and she is miserable i hope she's not listening to this but she's not having

any fun there and that's bringing him down you know uh yeah i mean this i think one of those classic cases of a college relationship that invested so much of each other and made so many plans together and they just don't know yeah at point if all that talk is gonna pan out the way they had hoped. And that's scary and it's hard to say goodbye to. And she's like, and my plan is to get married and have children in the next year. It's like, well, you might gotta rethink that.

She's living up to that plan. She's like, well, I'll have to start over. I mean, I'll probably say this ad nauseum, but there hasn't been a point in my life, even today, that I, and I've learned that perspective is that you always feel like, well, if I would have known this two years ago, I would have done that then. But now it's too late kind of thing. Because we feel like, well, if I would have done that younger, you always feel like, well, now I've invested so much and how can I start over now? It's never too late to do what you want to do.

And it's- We're always starting over. We're always starting over. It's never too late to like reset and it's never an excuse to keep doing what you're doing when you're not happy because you feel like you've invested so much time. And I think that is just life perspective.

I mean- You said it the other week about like getting your life all situated. Like everyone's always like, once I get my life, I'll play it. Oh, the rest of my life. Yeah, the rest of my life. I get to play my whole life over the weekend.

It's scary though, too, because again, we have all these kind of social constructs of like, you're supposed to go to college. You know, all the people who like want to go back to school. Yeah. Hard to do. But like, if you're like in your mid twenties and you're like, you feel too old to go back to school.

No, you're not. Right. You know? Yeah. I mean, I just always wish that when I was younger, I would have not been afraid to start things, even though it felt in that moment, like it was too late to start anew.

Anew. It's amazing how even, you never feel young. You never feel young. You never. Yeah. You never. Yeah. Especially after like 21, when you're legally allowed to drink. Yeah. You never feel young after that.

Because before that, you're like, oh, I can't buy cigarettes because I'm not 18. Or I can't drink because you're reminded that you're too young to do something. But after 21, no one's like, oh, you're too young. And so you then start only feeling old. And then everything up into that point in your life is about these experience, like you go to high school, then you go to college and you meet your boyfriend. And after that, there's no set playbook for things. And then you feel like if you haven't done it then, then you can't go back and do it. But you can always go back and do things. Or if it's not

working on a relationship, you can say goodbye and maybe meet someone new with the risk of not knowing who that person is. And it may not happen right away. But I have a lot of friends who got married in their mid-20s and divorced in their late 20s. And try to avoid that. The last two callers, a lot about investing in our emotions. Uh-huh.

And it's hard to not do that. To the point where reality isn't really in the picture. Yeah. I mean, people, when I do questions with Nick, like, well, I've been dating him for this long. Yeah. It's investment.

And other than, like, our first caller, we're like, I've only been dating him for three or her- Three months, yeah. Three months. Like, that's, like, important because it's like, well, hey, you've only known him for a day. Yeah. Don't get pregnant.

Yeah. But I've dated this person for this long as a a way to like, it doesn't really matter. No. And that's great. And it's cool. Like if you're happy to be like, Oh, 30 years of engagement,

congratulations. But like, well, we've been dating for this long, so I don't really want to like, I mean, get out now. Is it good now?

And you know, listen, if you are married and, and you've had vows to each other, like you need to work through your hard and tough times. But before that, you know, living up to like,

well, we, we said this and we promised each other that. And I planned on this and this is part of my plan. And I, like I told myself I was going to be engaged when I was 26. And I'm like, I can't fuck up that plan.

I know exactly what my dress is going to look like when I walked down the aisle. That's a great way of being miserable in about four years. Yeah. And it's tough to do. So let's not try to do that. Yeah.

Be honest with yourself, people. Don't do what I did. You'll be single forever. But there's a balance. There's a balance. I love how you got engaged after like 12 days with someone and you're like three months is too soon it's not the same i know it's just no it wasn't 12 days it was nine weeks well how many of those days did you spend with her just to be honest you know i mean ken i'm not here saying that people should do that meanwhile

be a college but go on the bachelor um also yes i have made mistakes through the years and we're trying to share our life experiences to help other people out yeah um as always thanks for listening uh we continue to need your questions especially you 10 percenters out there. Email us at asknick at cast with a K media.com. Without your questions, we can't do this kind of wonderful stuff. Hopefully you're enjoying it. We always appreciate you sharing our podcast on your social, giving us five stars, all of the above. Until next time,

thanks so much for listening. We will see you on Wednesday. Have a great day. Bye-bye.