The Viall Files - E451 Ask Nick - My Mom’s Issues Are Affecting My Life

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition!  Again we welcome you, our listeners, to give you advice on all your relationships and situationship in the crazy world of dating, friends, and family. Our first caller struggles to maintain relationships with her family because of her mother’s extreme mental health issues. After overhearing a conversation, she wonders how to process and deal with a parent’s frustration and how to draw the lines between being accepting of a situation and also having boundaries and respect for herself. Our next caller wonders how to manage a Type-A guy she’s dating that can only get dates with him when he pencils her into his busy schedule. Now with questions about a mysterious exclusive rock climbing club he’s in, and the fact that they’ve only dated for four months, she wonders if it’s best to just move on. Our last caller is placed in the middle of family drama when her mom wants the caller to uninvite her aunt from her wedding. Now, she wonders how to set boundaries with her mother without hurting her relationship.  “If it feels weird, it probably is.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Zocdoc: Go to http://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm back in studio taking over these intros well done last week by the way i thought it was good we had a lot of fun i do say so myself the ladies did great yeah yeah i listened to it in my kitchen last night it was just like smiling i've listened to it multiple times the vanity it's going to our head immediately no i just thought it was a nice little uh you guys did great You were talking about a boy. A trip. Yes. We haven't named him

as the thing, so I don't know. We'll keep noodling on that. Wait, but we've talked about him before. So we could say karaoke guy. We could say best man. Oh, he was karaoke guy? Yeah. Same guy. I have no preference. I feel like best man is more fitting, but karaoke guy is more fun is how I feel about this.

Why best man? Because that was how I met him. He was the best man at a wedding? That's kind of hot, honestly. I think that's hot. I think you should do best man. Nick is trying to tap my brakes so hard. He's like, subconsciously, this will make her fall even harder.

A date. As long as you talk about the pain of the podcast when it doesn't work i don't know if you know i uh i'm a statistics kind of i know as is heath how did how did uh how did was your week it was it was really nice honestly it like i feel like i was when we did the intro i was so like calm and excited and then as it got closer, I was a little more anxious of like, what is going to happen? Who am I going to be meeting? That kind of stuff. What do you mean, who are you going to be meeting?

Family, friends of his, all that kind of stuff. Well, how much house did we play? I don't know. She stayed with him. Yeah. But timeline-wise? Did you meet his family? You'd already met them at the wedding, no? No, I didn't go to that him. Yeah. But timeline-wise? Did you meet his family? Mm-hmm. You'd already met them at the wedding, no?

No, I didn't go to that wedding. Oh. But you visited him for a weekend, and he introduced you to the family. I just wanted to know how many times you'd seen him before. Met a sibling, and the sibling's fiance met a friend. You got a double date? Mm-hmm. Well, like dinner, yeah.

And then we went out for drinks, and I pulled some more people into that, because I was like, we're going to make it a big group thing. That's heavy. I feel like, especially're going to make it a big group thing. That's heavy. I feel like, especially like the fact that the sibling is engaged. Like, what does that have to do with it?

I just think. No, I'm with Amanda. Like, it's like, it just means it's in the ether. To be clear, I don't think it necessarily means anything. Yeah.

But I do think it's an interesting choice of his. I'm hoping he is self-aware enough to realize how one might interpret, well, introducing a girl he's seeing who he's invited to fly to visit and then have a double date dinner with a sibling and their very significant other. People in that city and I was like, oh, let's go get dinner with such and such and such and such. We both arranged dinner. Not the same as siblings yeah it's just I tiny bit my sibling was there I arranged that well you're very into him I thought he was I also thought he was your sister's age

he is so okay yeah but you're like you've you're you're your excitement level is that yeah like hi I know so like you're you're like i i'm sorry i have a pass well yeah to a certain extent yeah people get excited right when they meet someone it's okay sometimes we can get too excited sometimes but at least our excitement can justify the playing of the house or maybe getting ahead of ourselves you know and then there's other people who aren't as maybe self-aware or considerate with how their actions might be interpreted by other people especially if they are you know not as excited or like maybe they're thinking yeah i really like this person but i don't know and it's not malicious because i feel like it's people who are just living moment to moment and really not thinking

about the greater context or like they're kind of just like doing what feels right and excited and they're not malicious but i i would call it but negligent potentially inconsiderate and negligent yeah totally totally all all depending on their level of excitement i think right and i think it's hard because then it's if you're just like oh i'm just excited like if you're just kind of excited and impulsive you do kind of delude yourself into not seeing like the way you're not being responsible because like you're you're always hearing me saying things like this doesn't mean anything this doesn't mean anything because it really doesn't because i'm i've lived enough life to realize that people can be inconsiderate with those those things but i do think people should be more mindful of those things because people will read into them and it's human nature to read i didn't read

into it at all so we're reading dinner we're reading it i'm reading into it personally okay there's a come i i don't know i think there is a comfort level and even like i don't think even people like read into it i i you know what i'm saying like i i think you're yourself aware enough to like not read into it like oh what does it mean this must be it's a sign i don't think you're self-aware enough to like not read into it. Be like, oh, what does it mean? It's a sign. I don't think you're doing that. But clearly it raises the stakes. It raises the comfort level. It raises the, it's like, you know, like how can you not have a nice weekend,

meet someone's family? And like, did you hit it off with the sibling? I don't know. He's like a little quieter, but then we hung out the like following day. They lived together. What about the fiance? Yeah, the fiance. Were you in the fiance gabbing? Yeah, I really liked the fiance. You know, so there's like a little quieter but then we hung out the like following day they lived together yeah the fiance were you in the fiance gabbing yeah i really like you know so there's like a rapport

bill there's a familiarity like unless you know and that's nice because you know the second you left she like turned to them was like i really like her right you know who knows what are next steps i don't know I hate that for you. Do you know what you, like, I am like, I mean, clearly, like, I'm like. But why aren't you aware of any next steps? I don't know. I think we're just seeing where it goes. Do you, have you guys had any conversations about what you are both ideally hoping for within the context of like romance?

Like, do you know if he's looking for a relationship or if he's like very marriage oriented or if he's very casual and kind of wants to be uncommitted and untied right now? I think he's definitely into like commitment, wants to be a dad, all that stuff. You think or you know? I know. So like high level, you know that someday he plans on having the family. We don't know when or with who, but we do know that that is an ultimate goal.

Correct. That's good. And then in terms of like exclusivity, like is that something, how do you feel about that? Because I think there's like with a long distance relationship, I think it's kind of a different conversation. Yeah. In terms of like needs being met and then also just sheer frequency of being able to see someone and like access to them like i think generally in these situations there's one uh risk averse person who's more hesitant who's looking at the potential pitfalls and then there's a person who's more of the i'm interested

we need to like we need to try like Like let's, let's, let's, yeah, there's a bunch of risks, but like whatever, there's risk for anything. And I think younger me was much more the, well, in two and a half years,

this is going to happen. So it's better to just not start this relationship now because of X, Y, and Z. And now I feel like I'm more in like the Nick boat of what he tells callers where it's like, you can always break up. Like this can end in two weeks or two months or two years,

but like you might as well just go for it. And I feel like that's been to figure it out then a shift how old is he in me 29 respectable 29 and but no plans to visit again he's coming here in um so those are next two weeks yeah okay so when i asked for next steps well i didn't know that was a step sure it is when you when i say what what's the next what what's next steps. Well, I didn't know that was a step. Sure it is. When I say, what's next steps? And you're like, I don't know. I'm like, oh, you went on a walk and see him.

See, I would have understood more if you said, do you have any next plans? Next step was like. Yeah, like next steps. Yeah, I'm going to see him again. Okay. That's something to look forward to. I think see him again, I feel like in person

is just so much better. Figure it out. Add some more data points. Totally. Yeah. Yeah, I think when you were saying no to next steps, it meant more necessarily like relationship standpoint of like, I'm not sure if I'm going to initiate

X, Y, Z kinds of conversations. I would love for you to utilize the interested versus like mentality. It's a good one. But also, but actually- Ellie's giving me like, but I but i think that'd be great but i'm not going to i think ellie has crossed over from interested to like because i think she was not interested before and then he did like she was like i'm interested show show me more and then i think he did show you more and you're like i like it there's nothing wrong with uh keeping the

interested allure going even though deep down you know you like them when does the allure stop when you uh stop wondering how they feel about you don't you always kind of or not always kind of but like i feel like it takes a really long time to get to a certain degree of like, I really... Correct. And I think there's a lot of people out there, a lot of people who listen to the show, who have felt excitement and confidence and then a disappointment.

And to your point, a disappointment comes from the reality that it does take much longer than we like to think sometimes. And the interested over like keeps us grounded and keeps us finding out the things that we haven't learned yet. You know, you obviously like this person. There's a lot you like so far, but the reality is you have so much more to learn. That's, you know, things that people just have to be in relationships and, you know, you that people just have to be in relationships

and, you know, you're just like... I feel like sometimes, though, I would use that exact, like, phrasing as a means of kind of emotionally detracting a little bit from a situation ship that's getting kind of less of a situation, more of a ship, you know? To be like, oh, well, I don't know that much about them.

So I actually, I don't know that I am that invested and kind of use it as like a means of having one foot out. To a certain degree, but I think it just depends, you know, but until you really can feel confident about how they feel about you or the situation and you're not wondering and not, you know, that, you know, that kind of in-between feeling we often feel in these situationships or long-distance relationships or like initial, you know, it keeps us grounded and it keeps us curious. Because I do think, we say this all the time, people, we all have a tendency of deciding we like someone and then stop learning as much. Totally. And so we yeah it's like we it's like we have like a coloring book thing and we were like we're like nope this is the image and now we're just gonna do any find anything that fills in the lines when it's like no we don't know what

the image is like i know it's not as romantic or as exciting but i'm just the case you're on your toes debbie downer of just... Debbie Downer of dating. Keep them interested. When you date someone, it's like they're choosing you over the field. The field. The field is not only everyone they've met, it's all the unknown.

All the people that could exist who haven't been humanized and imperfect. Yeah. And so it's a lot to compete with. And we're all competing with that while we're dating well it's exciting i'm excited to hear more either way i know he's coming in two two weeks i have i need to do the math three ish two or three okay oh wait do you guys say good night every night okay that's the that's the real before dtr is the good nights, the consistent good nights. I stand by that.

I really do. I think there's a turning point. So when Nick said, what's the next step? I would throw in some inconsistency. I know it's some game playing, but. I don't like games. I understand. No one does, but they do exist.

You know what people do like? Winning. Nobody likes gaming, but people like winning. I'm just saying, just throw in some inconsistency be unavailable a little bit you know mix it up

a little preoccupied oh sorry missed the old goodnight can't hurt can't hurt we have a great show got a great week lined up excited to

keep bringing you the Bachelorette recaps don't forget to send those questions at asknick atcastme.com. Cast with a K for all things Ask Nick, whether it's our Ask Nick episodes or texting office hours.

And I know you all seem to really love the mediation episode that we put out there. And we are down to still do it. So it's just finding couples. It's just harder to find couples to do it with scheduling and things like that. But if we can accumulate enough, we'll we'll keep putting it out there. So if you are in a loved one, a significant other, a friend, whatever

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I'm Capri and I just turned 30. Hi, Capri. How can I help? So to give you a little backstory, my parents have always had a really tumultuous relationship growing up. It has just taken a huge toll on our family. Growing up, it has just taken a huge toll on our family. So my mom often gets upset with my dad when he hangs out with me and my sisters. There's three girls in our family.

We all are older. We have between us eight grandchildren. She often gets really upset when he hangs out with us because she said that it takes away time that they could be spending together, but she actually suffers from severe mental health issues. And so she sleeps about 80 to 85% of the time. So even when she asks him to do something, oftentimes it leads to her, like not even following through with it and her saying that she has a headache or she needs to you know go back to sleep or things like that so my dad is obviously you know lonely he wants to spend time with us he wants to see his grandchildren so the other day my sister and her husband came over with their little boy and they were going to plant a garden

for my parents and when she walked through to plant a garden for my parents. And when she walked through the door, she overheard my parents fighting. So she kind of stopped at the door, but she overheard my mom say to my dad, I've spent 90% of my life with those girls, meaning her daughters. I just need a break, which is not true because like I said, she has from a very young age has had pretty severe mental health issues and slept like a lot of our life. But anyways, she does not know that any of us know that she said this. But obviously, my sister had told me and my other sister and then my dad had actually confided in us about it. And my other sister and then my dad had actually confided in us about it. So another thing to talk about, too, is that my dad confides in us a lot about some of their problems. There have been times where I have asked him not to, but I understand why, because he has no one else to talk to.

Not a lot of people know what he goes through on a daily basis, except for us, obviously. through on a daily basis except for us, obviously. But I'm a little bothered by this specific statement because the day after that, my sister overheard this. We came over and she sent us a text message after we had left saying, I had so much fun with you guys. I love you all so much. I just cherish the times that I have with you and things like that. And part of me thinks that she might have some idea that we know. And so she said something along those lines. Another thing that bothers me about it is that she never really asks to spend time with us. So the relationship there, I mean, honestly, there isn't really a relationship

that I have with my mom that's above surface level. With my dad, you know, him and I and my sisters are very close. I had originally reached out asking like how to let her know in a way that I know that she said that. What I'm afraid of with that is that it will somehow get my dad in like, quote unquote, trouble. But I think like to piggyback off of that, a question of mine is like, you know, what, what advice you have on like setting some boundaries, because I have three kids. And if that's the way that she feels about me, it's really hard for me to like open up my children to her because I don't, if you feel that way about me, I, I'm very protective. And I don't want that.

I don't want you to have access to them in a way, if that makes any sense at all. Yeah. I mean, listen, I get the I mean, listen, what makes sense is this is a really sensitive issue. Even if your mom felt overwhelmed by you and your sister, and let's say subsequently, because in her mind, her bandwidth for affection with people, I guess. How does that negatively affect your kids, even if she only sees them at her convenience? If you really think you're protecting your kids, then obviously they're the priority.

But if it's a way of punishing your mom and hurting her because it hurt you, I don't know how productive that is. Sure, and I do understand that. And it might come off that way. I wouldn't consider it a form of punishment. I more or less want to protect them from the tumultuous energy that she often brings to the table. For example, my daughter is three. And she, like the other day, she was like, mom, I know exactly where so-and-so is right now.

And she started listing off some of our family members. And she said, and grandma, she's sleeping, she's in bed. And so part of me, I just, it's not a form of punishment. It's almost like, I just don't know how much I want to expose to them. I don't want to punish her. That's not my ultimate goal. I do love my mom very much. And I don't want, I mean, I don't want this to be the reason that she doesn't see them

anymore or anything like that but i do feel the need to like set some form of boundary with them because i don't know how much of that i want to expose them to does that make sense sure well i think there's a difference between like you know when i was younger i just like go to my grandparents house for like a weekend and my parents ultimately comfortable with that. You might not feel comfortable with like leaving your kids with grandma. Right. But that doesn't mean like under your supervision, grandma can't see them, you know, and grandma's sleeping and like, you know, they don't know that. But so I think you can find a compromise. I mean, you're the one who's mentioning like your mom suffers and has always suffered from some mental health problems yep and that clearly has

affected you and your sister and that like i'm sure on some level just feels unfair to you and your sister because like that sucks you know but as much as you can and this might be easier for me to say and harder for you to hear, but I think the best way for you and your sister to cope with this is to continue to try to empathize with your mom. The problem with eavesdropping or searching through someone's phone, stuff like that, is we're not meant to hear everything. Sometimes people are allowed to vent. You know, my mom has 11 kids. That's a lot. And I am sure, and I know, in fact, if my mom ever felt like she was just like tired

of her fucking kids, like always being at her house, like, you know, I would understand. You're a little different because, you know, my mom did like sacrifice her whole life for her kids. And you're coming from a different place where you're just like, mom slept the whole fucking time. What the fuck did mom do? But mom did have a mental health condition. And maybe she is just doing her best.

those situations where you not getting the childhood you hoped you had, especially as it compares to maybe some of your friends or relatives that the ones they had is only, and, and, and holding onto that frustration is only, it's only going to hurt you and your sister. I don't know you. And I wish for you that your childhood didn't include a mom with mental health problems because I can only imagine how hard that might be. But unfortunately it happened, but you know, like at least you can try to have some grace knowing that it's not because mom hates you. It's because mom's struggling inside her head. You know, my mom has a condition. It's an inner ear thing. She has problem with sound and balance and and whatever and the problem is is that and and i think this would resonate with people with mental health conditions

is that when you see someone who let's say is in a wheelchair you know like a visible challenge or like maybe you know you see someone down syndrome or or or things like that you can see it and you you see the disability you You can visualize it, you recognize something like, oh, that someone must have some sort of handicap. But with mental health or the thing that my mom struggled with, the thing that was the hardest for my mom with this is that you have 11 kids, loud family. And my mom's disability is loud noise can be really painful for her. But like, it's so easy for us to forget because we don't see it. It's not front and center and top of mind.

And so while you may understand that your mom has a mental health condition, most of the time you see this like very capable woman who like, you don't see the disability. You just know of the disability. I mean, you see her sleeping, but you know what I'm saying? It's harder for you to visualize and therefore subsequently harder for you to have empathy. Imagine like slamming a door on someone on crutches. You're just like, oh, what an asshole, you know, because they're just like, you know, they're on crutches or in a wheelchair. And like, you're just like, oh, you'll just figure it out yourself. You're like, how did you not see this person like in this wheelchair like oh you know like well it's so easy for us to get the things that we are out of sight out of mind right you know right no definitely and i don't know if

that offers any perspective but it's just like overhearing i i honestly just don't think it's going to do much good bringing this up to your mom that you heard it especially the way you suggested you might write it where it's just like, just so you know, I heard this, you know, like, you know, like maybe she was just feeling stressed out or maybe she was like saying it and she was fighting with your, your dad. And it just came out, you know, clearly someone who sleeps all the time feels like overwhelmed by life. So it's just, we're not all made the same. And I know this is all annoying because it's like your mom and all you probably want is just to feel some unconditional love from mom and not always have to have empathy for your mom. But unfortunately, you're just in a tough

situation. It's a winless battle trying to get your mom to be a certain way that you always wish she was. And you just might have to accept that this is maybe the best mom can do. Wow. Yep. I mean, definitely. And I agree. I think sometimes it's so easy for me to forget that too, because like you had mentioned before, I can't take back the childhood that I had. And I am just striving so hard for my

children to have better than what I had. So it's really hard to expose them to someone who, I mean, unintentionally obviously hurt me like throughout my entire life. The good news is they have you and your mom is not their mom and you can offer that level of protection. And in the best possible way, what your mom showed you is what you don't want to be to your kids. And I guess in some weird fucked up way, that's something to be thankful for. So it's just trying to find that peace while trying to find things that can, you can still be thankful for and show appreciation and you can still be frustrated at mom and you

can, you know, but like you holding on that stuff is unfortunately just only, it's not going to do you any good. Yeah. And, and, and trying to like get back at mom while might feel like as a natural reaction, this is like, she might not be able to help it, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's where my brain went is that, you know, we've gone through so much. That one statement just kind of put me over the edge. And, and, you know, I mean, you're right. You're definitely right. I, I don't think

bringing it up to her would, would do anything good. And like, you know, I mean, I think, I think about it now that we're talking about it too, and it would, I feel it would just make everything more tumultuous, more, you know, her unwilling to, to allow my dad to see his grandchildren and us and things like that. But yeah, no, I, I appreciate that perspective. I feel like oftentimes I do, I do forget that, you know, she, she really can't help it. And this might be her ceiling, you know, it could have, we could have hit her ceiling and, and she was just ready for, for a break. You know, this could feel, it could feel like a lot to her when we're around one day a week.

Now that you're an adult, you have the ability to, to understand, like you didn't understand that as a kid like what you know what the fuck is mental health you know especially 20 30 years ago you know and so now as an adult and with a heightened awareness of people who just have mental health struggles you can try at least to see your relationship with your mom in a completely different lens. And just even this thinking mom loved us the best she could. Absolutely. I know. Yeah. Well, I'm going to go write that down and meditate on it. No, I'm just kidding. No, really. I appreciate that because it is hard. I mean, there is a lot of anger and there is a lot of resentment towards her. And, and I think sometimes it's so

easy to, to want to guard my kids from it because I just, I just don't, it couldn't, I mean, maybe you were right. Maybe it did feel like a, like a step, you know, like I was trying to get back at her in some way by taking them away from her or. Yeah. I mean, I would be understandable too. You're just like, well, if you're not going to appreciate my kids, then I'm not going to let you see them. Unless you think mom's really hurting your kids, I think allowing them, and maybe even under a supervised environment, mom seeing the kids as much as they can, because your young kids probably won't know any better. And they will still be able to have a relationship with grandma who eventually won't be in their life someday. And eventually at the right time when they're older, they can learn about grandma's mental health struggle. But it's not important for them to know right now. Grandma sleeps a lot. Great. Old people are tired. Not that old.

But you know what I'm saying? To them they are you know like yeah to a three-year-old what's the difference between 40 and 70 so yeah it's uh i don't know hopefully that was helpful that was very helpful i appreciate it you know i feel i feel this overwhelming desire to like put up walls and boundaries but you know i i appreciate the reminder to have empathy for her because it's true you know maybe she maybe she was just at her max that day and you're right people you know i would i would fall over dead if somebody heard some of the things that i vented about you know so yeah you know to take it easy on yourself and like i just wonder how your perspective might be if if you just think maybe she absolutely loved us the absolute best she was capable of.

Right. No, I appreciate that. Thank you so much. All right. All right. All right. Take care. Yeah, you too. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. Hi, my name is Jessica. I'm hi Jessica how can I help yeah so I started dating

a guy back in the spring and we hit it off really well we could both tell there was a big connection there and we we felt something stronger than previous dating relationships. And so the first month was really great. And he had this opportunity to work abroad for about two months. And then I considered that since this was so early in the dating phase that we didn't need to keep dating, that maybe we would just reconnect when he came back. But he insisted that we continue to date, and he came up with ways that we would date while he was abroad. And I actually ended up visiting him out there when he was working. And it was a wonderful trip. We still had the same connection that we had when we were together that first month. Well, once he came back from working abroad,

the conversations immediately turned into, here's my schedule. This is what I have going on. I have all these prior commitments. We need to pencil in dating each other for my schedule. part of this co-ed social rock climbing group that meets once a month. And they also have these social events. And there was a huge declaration made to me that I wasn't allowed to be a part of it. And the only way that I could be involved is that if this continues to be a more permanent thing. Do you remember how he said it? Yeah. He was like, I will invite you to the other things that's going on in my life, but this is the one thing that you cannot be a part of. And it was kind of confusing to me because I know that there's other people in the group that bring people that they're dating to social events. And I had never asked for this group to be a member. Did you ask him why?

asked for this group to be a member. Did you ask him why? Because he said that there's this unwritten rule that people don't bring people that they're dating into the group. So there's no drama. Okay. That's just weird. I feel like anytime I bring it up or there's any type of conversation around the topic, it's a long drawn out argument. And so I can't bring it up anymore. So I just, I'm just a little bit confused on what to do from here because I really do like him and we do spend time together and we do things together. But again, it feels like there's this huge emphasis on his schedule and his life and how to meet his needs and his prior commitments instead of trying to figure out how do we prioritize dating each other and what are the things going on in my life as well, unless it's on a calendar somewhere or penciled in somewhere. So I don't know if I'm

being needy and asking for too much of his time or if this is something that I should actually be concerned about. Do you think you're being needy? I don't know. I've never been in a position where I've dated someone where I have to pencil in times. But do you think that you're being needy? If you sit down and think, all right, I'm really going to be honest with myself. I'm really going to try to empathize with him. Do you really think that you're being needy? I think maybe in certain moments, I'm asking too much of him, but I think in regards to dating each other in a bigger picture, I don't think I'm being needy. So the times when you think in certain moments you think you're being needy, what are those moments?

For example, we were supposed to have a hiking day planned together one day and that ended up getting scratched because he got sick. And then the rest of the week, though, he committed himself to his prior commitments. And I kind of got upset because there was no acknowledgement that we had missed the commitment for our day. And he hadn't taken it upon himself to be able to say, hey, let's try and reschedule that day. So you think you're being needy because you got one day a week in his schedule, you got sick, he didn't go out of his way to make you a priority, and you think that might make you needy? I guess so. But do you really think that makes you needy?

No, I think I'm probably trying to prioritize dating him and being able to get into a more committed relationship more so than he is. What do you like about him? We have a lot of the same interests. He's very extroverted. I'm kind of an extrovert introvert, so he helps pull me out of my shell. He challenges me in certain aspects, not in a bad way, but in a good way to try and make me better, whether that comes to my work or the interests that we share together. month of dating, he definitely went out of his way to show that he was thinking about me or wanted to do special things to surprise me. In terms of that last thing, what about the last three months? Do you still feel that same level of... There's been moments, but it's not as much as... Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the way you're describing it,

there's definitely some red flags, I guess, or concerns. I don't like that you are being made to feel needy when from where I sit, you're clearly not. And your desire to make this relationship work is making you doubt yourself more when in reality you should just be seeing this more clearly and honestly and seeing it as a flaw in him rather than a flaw in yourself like in these moments where you're like oh am i being needy you know like what would you tell a friend like you know i and i just repeated back what you told me you're like, oh, am I being needy? What would you tell a friend? And I just repeated back what you

told me. You're like, I asked you to give me an example of a specific time you thought you were being needy and you gave me a time where you had one day a week aligned to hang out with him. You happened to get sick and he made no effort to try to spend time with you and made it feel like you being sick was your fault and not his problem. And he was in no way willing to be flexible or prioritize. Like, it sounds like you made yourself feel needy because he wants to have a girlfriend who fits into his very busy schedule. Yeah. Well, and I did ask him, I said, is there ever going to be a point where you acknowledge that we haven't spent some time together and you maybe put some of those plans aside and

figure out a way that we can spend time together. And that made him upset because he said, you're asking me to cancel prior commitments. So did he get frustrated or upset? I guess frustrated is a better word. Okay. To me, it just sounds like maybe you guys just aren't compatible. Yeah. It's only been four months yeah yeah i understand the first month was really great and and you were able to list some nice

qualities but you know other things like uh feeling like a priority feeling like you're not an inconvenience to them like in in less than months, you feel like a burden to him as much as you feel like a priority. You feel like an inconvenience. And then there's this whole weird thing about like, I get wanting to have like, want to like keep your things. I get it. But like,

it seems like a really bizarre rule he has that has no flexibility. You didn't even ask to do this thing. And the fact that he can't bring you along or show you, it's not even an all boys club, even if that isn't a thing anymore. It's just like, it's a co-ed thing. And you are allowed to want to like share in your partner's hobbies and activities. Yeah. And when I, when I brought that up to him, he, he said, just think of it like I'm going on a boy's camping trip. And I said, but that's, it's, it's completely different.

Yeah. That's like being like, I'm going to go, I'm going to go out to dinner with this woman. Just think of it as like my buddy. And it sounds like to me, he doesn't make you feel like it's ever okay to feel the way you do. Now, listen, it can be challenging sometimes. Like we've talked about this before. Feelings are real tricky because you could feel one way, he can feel another and you can feel sad and he can

not understand why you feel sad. And you're both like not on the same page with why you're both making each other feel the way you do. And neither of you are necessarily wrong, but it does seem like you're spending a lot of time trying to empathize with him and you don't feel like he's spending any time trying to empathize with you. Yeah. And I've brought that up to him before and specifically, there's really no interest in the things that's going on in my life. And he essentially tells me that I have to put it on the calendar so he knows what's going on and he knows to ask me about it. And to me, that just doesn't feel natural if you're actually interested in someone. I mean, it could just be who he is, like a very structured, organized kind of maybe OCD guy. I don't know.

Yeah. But that's not who you are and that's not what you want. Yeah. So it just might be more like, maybe just not compatible. Is that something that I have to walk away from or I, I don't think it's going to, I mean, it's only been four months.

Yeah. And you're, you're essentially in four months and begging for some attention and, and priorities. And like, I mean, this, this sounds like just who he is and he's getting frustrated with you even suggesting he makes some adjustments for the

relationship. He doesn't seem all that interested in it or capable. I think early on, you want to date someone who's pretty excited to have you in their life to the point where, I mean, in the first year of a relationship, people tend to be almost overly empathetic and overly understanding. And then that's not who they really are. And then a year goes by and then you start getting a little bit more honest with your expectations and what you really want. And you start being honest by being like, I don't really want to do that.

I'm not going to go with each other's things. And in four months, he has never made you feel like he's willing to do things that you want. Or when he does, it's just like you got to beg for a slot time. And it seems like a match for him would be another extroverted person who is equally as busy, who magically their busy schedule and his busy schedule like fit up and and it doesn't get in anyone's way but he doesn't sound like you're describing the way you're describing it it doesn't sound like he's interested in having a partner sounds like he's just interested in having a girlfriend at his convenience yeah and and when i've mentioned about having those times to hang out together he states that

he tries to fit me in you know after he's done something and it's nine o'clock at night and he asked to hang out and essentially feels like someone's doing a booty call because i'm like i'm i'm not gonna just come over when you're done with everything that you have that's going on. I don't want to feel guilty for wanting to feel like a priority. Four months in, you're already feeling confused and frustrated and you're feeling like it's hard to get any of his time. He has these boundaries that that seem a off and when you ask why he can't really explain it he just kind of gets defensive and is he hiding something is he not i don't know at best he seems like a really unflexible person who is pretty used to getting his way and doing what he wants when he wants. That doesn't make for a really great

partner. Certainly not a life partner that you'd want to start a family with if that's something you're interested in doing. That might be a challenge. Hey, we got to take the kid to the doctor. Well, fit it into my schedule. Yeah, exactly. Because i did ask him where he saw the future of the relationship going and what that looks like to him and he said well ultimately we start to integrate our lives together and it kind of becomes one but so what he means is eventually you will integrate into his life yeah he's not interested in integrating into your life. That's not how you feel at least. No.

So I think the way to handle it is to have this honest conversation with him and you do it. There's no point in fighting with him. Yeah. We've done that too much. You just say, I don't mean, I'm not here to argue with you. I'm not here to change your mind. I'm just saying, I don't think this is working for me.

Okay. And if he says, well, what does that mean? Do you want to break up with me? And be like, well, like what I'm no longer going to do is argue with you about things that I want in a relationship. You might not, but I'm not going to be made to feel bad about that. And if you don't want to give it to me, that's also okay. I don't want to make you feel bad either.

But the only solution is maybe we're just not compatible. But I'm just not going to feel guilty for wanting things that I think a lot of people want and that it's a very reasonable request. And I don't want to feel needy or like an inconvenience to you. And I know that I'm not a needy person. And I know there's someone out there who will want to do the things that I want to do and you don't want to. And again, that's okay. So maybe we just cut it off and then you can see if that makes him adjust or reconsider. Now, if he magically changes and does all the things that you want, you have to recognize that this might just be a reaction to him losing you and it might not be sincere. And this is clearly a guy who's used to getting what he wants and he's used to being in control and he's used to kind of being bossy.

It sounds like a guy, he probably has a lot of friends that aren't his equal, but rather does what he wants when he wants to do. That wouldn't shock me. Yeah. He has a lot of different social groups. I don't know if he has a good core quality group of friends, but it seems like there's all these groups, so he always has something to do. Yeah. Always something on his schedule. And that's fine for him. Good for him. But that's not you. Yeah. And I think the more you can confidently say to him, that's not who I am.

It's not what I want. And that's okay. I don't think anyone should be in a relationship where they can't freely express with confidence who they are and what they want in a relationship to be happy. And if you are feeling like you're tiptoeing around this with someone, especially this early on, then I don't think they're your guy. What you should see is continued growth and you should see progress, but you should feel like you're getting closer. You should feel like you're connecting more. You should feel less confused and more secure with how he feels about you and more confident trust that you're building and if you keep asking questions about like what the fuck is this guy doing at rock climbing that i am banned from yeah you know like if it feels weird then it probably

is weird and he it shouldn't be hard simple things shouldn't be hard to explain like because when like the rock climbing well it's just like this unwritten code like no hard to explain like because when like the rock climbing well it's just like this unwritten code like no it's not like it's not not it's not like the 1920s where we have like these weird like clubs that you can't speak of it's fucking rock climbing so if he says to you listen babe i know other people have like for me this is this like my one personal thing i just want to keep it to myself and I hope that's okay. And that's a simple explanation to, that would be honest and that would be understandable. But when he starts making up like things that aren't true and we know they're not true because

there's no unwritten code. Yeah. Cause I also know that there's other people, because it's a national group, it's not just local. And I know that there's other people in the other chapters that date each other or hook up. So I asked, is this so you can go flirt or hook up without the consequences of whoever you're dating? And that frustrated him. Sure, because that felt like more of an accusation because it might not even be true. Sure, yeah. It's still weird that he can't include you. Yeah. And it's even more weird that he has to not give you a simple explanation to a simple thing.

The big thing is you're not wrong to feel how you feel. Yeah, I have to remind myself that because I have been feeling bad and anxious about what I've been feeling in regards to the relationship. All right. Thank you very much. Hopefully that was helpful. Yeah. Good luck. Keep me posted. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate it. Bye. How's it going? I'm good. My name's Allie. I'm 27. Hi, Allie.

How can I help? Yeah. So I'm getting married in September. I'm having a big wedding, lots of family. I have kind of two sides of my family, my mom's side, my dad's side. Basically, my mom and my dad have had kind of a tumultuous relationship their whole, my whole life specifically. She is kind of like kind of ostracized for herself from everyone in her family due to kind of trauma or drama or, you know, a mix of the both. Basically, so she's already kind of having to be put into this awkward situation by going to a wedding where it's at my dad's property.

It's his, it had his friend's properties and, um, no, they, yeah, sorry. They've been divorced since I was two. And then, um, so yeah, they have four kids. I'm the youngest. Um, they've been divorced since I was two and haven't really talked since I was two. So from the age of like second grade through high school, they had a very hard custody battle for me and my middle sister. And there was like no communication between them. They basically communicated only over email and that was kind of it. They couldn't even see each other in person. Like when we were dropped off at different locations, they had to be someone else there. So really kind of tension between them. So basically as time goes on, I have my life with my dad. I have my life with my mom. They kind of

remained completely separate. But you know, now that we're getting married in September, I, you know, want my wedding at my dad's property. It's somewhere we've been since we were kids, but my mom's really struggling with the idea that she'll be there with my dad and his friends and people she's been avoiding for like 25 years. Basically, that's kind of like a backstory of where we're at. My main question is she called me the other day, put me kind of in a pickle and said that her sister, my aunt and my uncle, she didn't want them coming to the wedding. That she basically says that they're not really a huge part of my life enough to come to the wedding, which I argued for about an hour and a half with her saying, hey, you know, it's

not really fair. That's my wedding. It's my choice. But she feels it's unfair because she's already put into this awkward situation being, you know, at my dad's property with people she doesn't want to be around. And then she says, you know, I don't like my her sister. It's been, you know, trauma since she's a child that she hasn't really gotten over. And so I basically had a conversation with her and said, you know, I'll think about it and I'll talk to, you know, my aunt and see what she says. And I talked to my fiance and he's, he's pretty upset because we do have a relationship with my aunt, my uncle. He's been, we've been together for nine years now. So they were really close with all my family members. So he's a little upset. He feels like my mom's just trying to

kind of manipulate the situation, which is very historic with her and her behavior. It kind of sounds like mom's the problem. Kind of. Yeah. And that's sort of where we're all at is, you know, my siblings have tried, they're all older. I have a 12 and a 10 year old, older siblings. They're, they're much older than me. And they've had experiences where, you know where they've had hard conversations that just don't go anywhere. And my brother goes, well, you can try, but I just don't know where it'll go. So I'm just kind of stuck. I don't want to not invite a family member that I care about. But my mom also threw out the, well, I don't know if I'll be able to be there if she's there sort of thing.

Well, okay, let's just walk through those scenarios. How would you feel about your mom not showing up? Pretty bad, yeah. Do you think she actually won't show up? I'm not sure. Yeah, I think that it's going to be a test. It would be a test if I were to push it. I'm not sure. She definitely kind of distanced herself through a lot of other family members.

So because like, you know, listen, I get divorce can be hard, but after sharing kids and after 20 some years, you think you just let shit go to the point where. Yeah. And I think that that's the biggest issue is she just doesn't know how to let shit go to the point where. Yeah. And I think that that's the biggest issue is she just doesn't know how to let shit go. And I, you know, I try to tell her that she basically said, you know, that she can't come to my hometown where I was raised because it makes her feel sick. And I said, well, mom, maybe, maybe that's something that you should work on. And she gets very defensive and says, well, I've been very proud of myself and how far I've come. So it just, that's kind of how the conversations go. And, you know, I love my mom. I want her to be a part of my wedding. And it's been a relationship

that we've been building on, but I don't know if this is like the straw to like lay my foot down, or if this is the situation to do it in. And my fiance feels like it is because, you know, the situation to do it in. And my fiance feels like it is because it's sort of like powers in my hands in the way that this is my wedding and if she wants to come, she can come. Yeah. Listen, I don't know if there's a right answer. I'm more on the side of your fiance. I get that's much easier said than done kind of thing. I can only imagine how much that could affect you knowing that your mom opted out of attending your wedding. Yeah, I feel like that would be a source of a negative feeling on my wedding day that I'm not necessarily looking for.

You might have already done this with your mom. Does your mom, does she live close to you? Or is she? A couple hours away. Yeah. Okay. So I think one, again, I'm just throwing out suggestions, but I think maybe taking a drive over to mom's and asking her out to lunch and sitting down with her and having kind of a heart to heart and an honest conversation. One, you need to like in the most, in the nicest possible empathetic way, remind her that like this is your wedding and your day.

And more than anything, you promised you and your husband that you're going to prioritize one another. And this day is about us. And your hope, that your biggest dream and hope is that you're the people you both love both you and your fiance have the people who you love want to be there to support them despite their opinions and feelings on anyone you know it's a large family there's a lot of people like you can't possibly try to manage

everyone's relationships like you can even throw in hey you know he's got family members that also don't see eye to eye yeah but like it is our day and it would absolutely break my heart if my mom didn't show up but it's not fair and quite honestly not okay for you to start telling me who I can invite to my wedding because I do have a relationship with Aunt Sue or whatever. And we want her there. We both do. But we want you there. And I don't want to have to choose. And you just say, I'm not going to choose. I'm not uninviting people to my wedding. And I am so sorry that my wedding in any way is going to be difficult for you. And I am proud of you of the progress you've made, but we can always, we are never unfinished products. And it doesn't mean,

so congrats on the work that you've done, but clearly by your own admission, because you're stating that you can't even attend your daughter's wedding potentially just because your sister's going to be there clearly means that there's some work to do. Because if nothing else, I would hate that like you can't like that you're incapable of being in the same room as your sister for your daughter's wedding. And if you really think you can't go, then that's you acknowledging that maybe there's some work to be done. It's not me saying it. I'm not telling you what to do, but don't you think that you should be capable after so many years of at least handling in the same room? I'm not

asking you to talk to them. I'm not asking you to be friendly with them. What I'm asking you to do as my mom, who I love more than anyone in the world, and as to be there on my day, at least be there for the ceremony. Let me have a moment with, I don't need you to have fun. I just need you to be there. I don't even need you to, you know, it is my day. And today I'm going to be selfish. I am. I'm asking you to be selfless for my wedding day. And I'm asking you not to put me and your fiance in a position because you making us uninvite people or you not showing up will forever affect my wedding. And mom, you know, I am sorry that you went through a divorce with dad, but like just for a moment, think about how this animosity that you and dad have held on to

has affected our lives. So for this day, can you just give this day for me? I'm asking you. Because your mom does this whole thing that parents do that's very manipulative. And it's just like, I've done so much for you. All I'm asking is this one little thing. Yeah. She's asking for sympathy a lot. She's like, I'm not asking you to uninvite people. I'm asking you to have sympathy for what I went through and my feelings in this wedding. Yeah, mom, I love you with all due respect. It's not your wedding day. It's just not. This is my one day that I can be unconditionally selfish. It's my wedding day. It's our wedding day.

And it's not fair to you. You keep asking me to empathize with you, but you're not spending any time empathizing with anyone else but yourself, mom. It is a risk, but I feel like mom's going to show up. Yeah. No, I mean, I sure hope so. And if mom doesn't show up, I think if you have this conversation with her, you can at least tell yourself, I did everything I could.

Let's say she does miss your wedding. You try your best not to be resentful or be angry or show anger. You show sadness and you just say, mom, that was really sad that you chose not to come. And I really hope that you can understand why I made the decision I did. But I hope that you can, again, like I said, you not being able to come is a recognition that maybe there's some still work to be done. And I still love you and I still want to be there for you. But like, I'm going to, like, you know, I'm going to be setting some boundaries here, but I want, I want a relationship.

I want like, and just try not to hold it against her. If your mom not coming to your wedding got her, was a wake up call to her for improvement, would you think it would be worth it in your mind um maybe yeah you know definitely yeah the truth is at your wedding you're not going to spend much time with anyone yeah yeah that's true you know and i i do realize like i knew that that was the answer you know i knew my fiance's opinions like i agreed with him. It's just hard to figure out how to approach that conversation when you have such a history of feeling like you're belittled or manipulated in a lot of different ways. So I appreciate just the way to approach it. They just got to stand your ground. And when she uses her feelings against you, talk about your feelings. Imagine asking someone to not

invite people on their wedding day. When she says, I'm not asking you not to invite someone, I'm just asking you considering your feelings, you say exactly what it is. Mom, that is a very manipulative way of getting me to uninvite someone. That is what it is. That's just a fact. So can you stop doing that? Stop treating me that way. That's not fair. I'm an adult. I'm your daughter. Respect me. I think unfortunately, when someone puts you in what feels like a no-win situation, you have to call their bluff. Yeah, definitely. you have to call their bluff. Yeah, definitely. Because your mom is used to doing this and getting her way and no one's ever told her to stop. Very true. My fiance says that all the time. So yeah,

I mean, I'm the youngest of four and it's like, I'm the first one to have a wedding where, you know, everybody's invited and everyone has to sort of face their self. So good for you. And maybe you can ask your siblings to also just, you know, reach out to mom and say, Hey mom, we expect you there. We love you. We hope you're there. It's a big deal to her, you know? So please come mom. We love you. And just for the purposes of getting into the wedding, just that's all you really need to say and if your mom's like well if you love me and be like no no you know yeah kind of cut it off there yeah i think you just don't let when our parents are manipulative or they kind of act like children don't listen like you know how like when kids act throw a temper tantrum you just ignore them

when adults throw a temper tantrum too the best thing to do is just don't let them know it works ignore them she's like okay yeah when you're done let me know yeah but i hope i hope mom comes but yeah i think she will i mean i don't see why not it's just definitely one of those things where it has to take conversation to get there. Yeah. And I think, like I said, I think don't, I mean, I think go to mom and have this conversation, but like you're going there to have that specific conversation, but don't keep having it. You know, like mom doesn't get to keep, you know, no mom, I've said my piece.

I want what I want you there. It's all, that's all that needs to be said it's up to you right just gotta put my foot down draw the boundary it's tough yeah it can be

alright awesome well thank you so much no my pleasure I appreciate it bye bye have a good one you too

bye thanks for listening send in those questions to destinycastme.com cast with a K see you tomorrow.