The Viall Files - E454 Ask Nick - My Boss Is Manipulating A Plus One

Episode Date: August 1, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! On this episode we take on even more of your burning questions in order to help you deal with relationships. We welcome our first caller who has been dating her boyfriend for over three years, feeling like things are at a bit of a standstill, with him not popping the question. Now she needs help with learning how to communicate better, especially after finding some interesting things on his YouTube watch history. Our next caller is stuck in a sticky situation with increasing pressures of her upcoming wedding, wondering who to invite when she’s having a small wedding and seats are limited. Now she struggles with how to navigate her boss assuming that he’ll be able to bring his new girlfriend as a plus one and talking about it behind her back. Our last caller wonders what to do when a guy she’s casually dated moves to Germany for a new job, inviting her to come out. But now that she has the tickets, he’s completely ghosted her. Now she wonders if she should reach out one more time or still go and try to have a great time on her own.  “You being right doesn’t necessarily matter.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Helix Sleep: Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at http://www.HelixSleep.com/viall.  Caraway: Visit http://www.Carawayhome.com/VIALL to take advantage of this limited-time offer for 10% off your next purchase or use code VIALL at checkout. Caraway. Non-Toxic cookware made modern. Wildgrain: For a limited time, you can get $30 off the first box - PLUS free Croissants in every box - when you go to http://www.Wildgrain.com/VIALL to start your subscription. OSEA: Find your new skincare and body care favorites at http://www.OSEAMalibu.com, and get 10% off your first order sitewide with promo code VIALL. You’ll get free samples with every order, and orders over $50 get free shipping.  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What is going on everybody? Welcome back to the Vile Files. Ask Nick edition. We think it's an exciting episode. We always do. We always, I always do. Just to see if people are paying attention, you should be like, this is a mediocre Nick. Yeah. Now's your chance. I'm not sure about it. No, I think it's good. How are you ladies doing? Amanda said that she had a topic that came to her in the middle of the night. Can we get a quick update on your life? Yeah, wedding guy. No, not wedding guy.

What should we call him? Well, we were going between two. Didn't we have, we had best man. Didn't we have karaoke? Was it karaoke? Oh, best man, best man. But you didn't like that. You don't think that's fun?

Well, it's a bit presumptuous. I mean, I know we're excited about him right now. I am. The excitement I think has been. But best man is, I don't know. You want to call him best man? I don't know. Should we go with karaoke?

I just don't think he's earned karaoke guy. I don't think karaoke is a big enough part of his personality or story. That's a fun name, but it's an unhinged one. You met him while he was the best man, but is he the best man? I don't know. I think it sounds like very promising vibes. Promising man. Promising man. Wait, let's go with that.

Yeah. How is promising man? How's promising young man? He's good. He has a weird work schedule, so this weekend was crazy. For the talking? Yeah. Have you in any way, what did I say last week, become slightly unpredictable?

Oh, yeah. Like a little less available. A little less inconsistent? Yeah. Uh-huh. Does he seem to be responding? Beginning of last week, it was definitely like a... I don't know if you even need to like...

Yeah. I don't even know if you do it for like an immediate response. But just since this relationship is undefined and there is a lack of exclusivity and expectations, I think it's good to not, as they say, act like their girlfriend if they're not your boyfriend. Okay, so promising young man. It's still promising. It's still promising.

Yeah. And we see him in a week or two? Two weeks. Two. Okay. Do you have like a regimen of like beauty procedures leading up to that? I feel like whenever I know like something, like whenever I know I have like a big date I'm looking forward to, it's like, I'm like, laser.

Laser. Laser. That's your only, you're like, do you have a bunch of treatments? I show up to the gate bald hairless no eyebrows are you usually

working with or you're just like I need 15 laser appointments no I was just trying to think of other stuff that I do and laser was the only one that was coming to mind

laser laser laser mommy sorry laser sorry I mean every time I mean maybe okay

I feel like if I go on a trip i'm always like nair your entire body whiten teeth do your eyebrows i just laid your face i just feel like in terms of anticipation and i maybe you have like mixed feelings about the productivity of this because expectations can be a little a bit of a liability sometimes but i think part of a day is there's nothing wrong with taking time to look and feel your best. Yeah, like building it up. Become careless.

I feel like that's part of it. If that's how you feel the most confident. If you would like to be a seal. When I have eyebrows, they just don't feel like me. Yeah, no. I think that's more about you feeling your best self and that's how you feel like you get there.

And the anticipation as being an important part of... Do you feel like you like the anticipation as being like a like a an important part of do you feel like there's a there's a correlation of like if especially not if you're like with someone because then it's kind of like expected but especially if you're like in early stages with someone if you do the full prep it doesn't happen and if you don't suddenly it's like i like when you buy condoms you never have anyone to use them with and then if you don't have any, suddenly you need one. I feel like for women, since typically not always, there's more of a routine to get ready.

You know, the... The rigors of societal beauty standards are high. And so if like, if you get stood up, there's a little more of a like... Oh my God. I put a t-shirt on and put some pomade in my hair. I'm still bummed if I get – I might have like, oh, save the good shirt, the good t-shirt. But that's about it where for they if maybe 15 laser appointments over here yeah i literally i was like talking to promising young man and i was like no you need to tell me

when we have to leave because i need to like beat my face whatever and he was like beat your face and he was like that sounds terrible and i was like okay i'll walk you through it i was like there are many steps i don't know you call it beating your face oh my god yeah you beat your face you gotta bake it. There's so many phrases for... My uncle, the most Bostonian man ever, he's like, ah, you're putting on your face. My grandma says that.

Yeah, put on your face. What's your topic? My topic is sharing locations with a partner. You know iPhone sharing your location? For starters, do people share their location? Like, who do you share your locations with

right now? Too many people. No one. And it's like, now it's going to become a weird thing because I really want to unshare certain people

or it's going to be bad. I find that I've noticed, like, women friends tend to do it a lot and I get that. Totally. Safety and things like that

keeping an eye on each other. I've noticed that. I don't. I feel like also during college, it was a big thing of like big friend groups, like just all sharing locations, which is kind of crazy when you think about like how lax we are about being like,

you can have my whereabouts at any given point in time. But like, you know, for like an ease of logistics thing. Yeah. But I was thinking like, I was like with a partner, like, because I had like, I would share my location with my best, like closest friends, like easy peasy. But there's something about a partner where I was like with a partner like because I had like I would share my location with my best like closest friends like easy peasy but there's something about a partner where I'm like I don't know why but that feels like really high key and different I feel like it's unnecessary unless

there's a very specific reason and that specific reason being like a temporary specific reason like a night out of like just so you can find me or maybe there's some mild concern about like the safety you know I don't know but yeah I don't I think it's unnecessary for couples to do that I feel like in most cases if one person in a relationship like I think we should share each other's location and there's definitely an element of like tell me you're anxiously attached without telling me you're anx or like tell me i don't really trust you without telling me i don't really trust you we did that a lot like when i interned out here for a summer and we all lived in westwood and we'd be like going out and meeting guys like we a lot of us had each other's locations

and i had one of my friends locations and she ended up leaving the bar with a guy and i was like i have your location like like i was a little nervous because we didn't know him but i was like it's fine i have her location he lived on a boat oh my so i wasn't sure like her body was in the middle of the ocean like her location in the middle of the lake like on the ocean at like 2 a.m oh my god how terrifying i was like i don't know what's did you text her like are you okay i well i knew he was like a sailor like imagine like being in the woods yeah she's in the woods yeah oh my god but it looks like you're just in the mountains on the cliff yeah so i was like i'm not sure how to tell which part of this blue is safe and which is not great. She made it back.

She made it back. Yeah, I think generally it's in relationships, it's a sign of, it's a red flag. Yeah, it's just like too much. If it's a consistent, yeah. Because it is really nice. Like my roommate and I share locations and like we have a tandem parking spot.

I think among friends, I think more acceptable. I think in relationships, I think there's, I'd have more questions as to why this is happening. Yeah. I feel like you want like a higher degree of like privacy and independence. Yeah. Probably.

Totally. How does one unshare a location without it being weird? Yeah. Because they get that notification. I think you just be like, hey, yeah, I'm good. I think you say, I think you tell a white line. You're like, I read this freaky story on the internet about this girl whose friend got, like, you know what I mean?

You just like make up some shit and be like, I'm just like not sharing it with anyone and make it sound like you're just like having, unsharing with everyone. Yeah. I don't know if you really need to justify it. But it is, but I hear what she's saying. Cause it like, it shows up in your chat with them. Yeah. Like Allie stopped sharing her location.

Yeah. I mean, am stopped sharing her location. Yeah. I mean, am I crazy for thinking that like, that shouldn't, no one should be offended at any given moment if someone's like, no, no, no, I don't need you to know where I am at all times.

It's a very different stage of life, me thinks. Well, on like, so, okay, so you're so right on a practical level, like it's a very simple ask.

On an interpersonal level, I feel like, especially with like a friend from college, who like, you know you're so right on a practical level like it's a very simple ask on an interpersonal level i feel like especially with like a friend from college who like you know you're not as close with anymore and it's been shared about years but it's been shared since your freshman fall and then you stop sharing that's like that like you're bringing down the fucking axe on the friendship but also life hacks if you just don't want someone to be able to see you for an evening but you don't want it to like whatever you can turn off find my whatever in your settings and then you'll just be seen as like location unavailable if you need it temporarily or something that I've done is I will plug in my iPad next to my bed in my apartment turn it on and change my find my location to be my iPad instead

of my phone and like leave it plugged in for a full weekend so it just looks like I'm always home. But then if you lose your phone, are you in a pickle? I don't usually lose my phone. I mean, nobody plans to lose. I don't usually lose my phone. I mean, yeah, if you lose your phone,

you are in a pickle. Yeah, most people. Did you see the email that came through the other day? Yeah, I'm a sappy person and this email like really like hit the heart i felt like it was because nick you've been asking people you know like if they have positive feedback or like perspective or like if something's shifted because or just like have we added any value but anyways um we got an email and apparently someone is listening and that's fun it was very i i got a little choked up

really i'm being honest yeah i mean i wouldn't say i didn't like cry but i it definitely it got me pulled on the heartstrings yeah all right well i'll read a little chunk of it but it says hi nick and crew you've been asking for positive feedback and i'd like to share my perspective i grew up in a family affected by addiction and missed out on having parents who cared for me i've spent most of my adult life recovering from the impact my mom and dad were Do you feel like you have a fatherly voice? Is that how you would describe yourself? Big brother? Unclely voice? I've gotten more brotherly.

Okay. Yeah, but sure. Because of you, I've been empowered to raise my expectations of the men I date significantly. Say what I want with confidence and let go of the outcome, ask more questions, allow others to take care of their own emotional reactions, and dismiss those who don't actually want the responsibility of a relationship or to make me a priority. I think the universe sent me to you to help me. I can't wait until the difficult decisions pay off and I find the man who makes me a priority because to make me a priority. I think the universe sent me to you to help me. I can't wait until the difficult decisions pay off and I find the man who makes me a priority because he loves me.

Thanks for your hard work and also to your mom and dad who were diligent in their responsibilities as parents. It shows. Should I send that to my parents? Would that make them feel good? Yeah, you should. I feel like your mom would love that.

My mom probably would. Your mom would be in the middle of like a yoga pose and she'd be like, I did it. It was very sweet. and my favorite part she really articulated how like i was like yeah that's what i'm trying to do i think that's how i want for people how i hope you see how you should go about your your your relationship finding and like what you're entitled to yeah i was like oh great someone's listening as entitled to. Yeah, I was like, oh, great, someone's listening. As opposed to us every week who are like, I made a

bad choice. Yeah, I was like, am I? What? Well, her name is Alexa and then she also signed off by saying P.S. They're right. Your grammar is terrible, but your complex reflections are beautiful. It was very sweet. But all feedback is great.

Also, if you want to like write that in the reviews on Apple iTunes, we may pull some of those. Also, quick call to action. I would love, a couple weeks ago, I had dinner with a friend, I guess. He was sharing his relationship frustrations. He found himself to be in a situation ship. He was sharing his relationship frustrations. He found himself to be in a situation ship. He was the hopeful person. I truly think, I know we have some guys calling in,

we have mostly women, but I'm confident that men have many of the same dating struggles and frustrations as the women out there. Maybe not always the same. I'd love to hear from more men. I feel like our audience, which is a lot of women, would also like to hear from men and what they're going through and things like that. And so if you're out there and I know some of you have guy friends who have been struggling or frustrated or they're going through something right now and maybe they don't listen to the show, but if you want to maybe nudge them to write in and maybe get some advice, we'd really appreciate if you kind of, uh, guide some of your, uh, men friends to, uh, maybe share their stories. If you don't know this

already, but like everyone's anonymous, uh, we, we changed their names almost always. So you can be completely anonymous. So like the juicy of the story, great. No one's going to know who, like it's you. We don't change your voice. So like other than that, but everyone's totally anonymous. So feel free to write in and share your stories. We'd love to hear it. Anyway, asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K.

As always, I think that's it. Again, thank you to Alexa for that very sweet and kind and gracious note. And we have a big week lined up. Elizabeth Wagmeister is with us back to help us break down episode four of The Bachelorette. And on Wednesday, going deeper, I'm very excited. The wonderful Holly Madison from Girls Next Door. Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion.

Hughes Bow. And recently that Hulu documentary to talk about the not-so-glamorous life of the Playboy Mansion. And as always, texting office hours. If you're listening right now, you have a story you want to share and you need some help sending a text,

write us at asknick at castme.com, cast with a K. We might use your story. Let's get to our callers. Have you had a Helix sleep? I mean, I got mine. I'll tell you what, I am living large on my Helix mattress. I'm just going to say what I've always said. It's the best sleep I've ever had. It's truly amazing. I love it. I love coming home to my mattress I will be a Helix Sleep customer for life I am a really hot sleeper

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You can sleep on it for 100 nights. 100 nights, that's three months and 10 days. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Helixsleep.com slash V-I-A-L-L for up to $200 off and two free pillows. pillows. Carraway. Hey, cookers out there, kitchen people. I own Carraway. I have two sets of Carraway. Now I have their baking pans to have Natalie cook cookies for because Natalie's a baker in this family. I'm the cooker. They have amazing stuff. It looks really good. But more importantly, it's great to cook and super easy to clean. I love cooking in. It's nonstick. And it's like most nonstick pans have a ton of like scary chemicals in them. But it is like, that is where it care away.

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of 10% off your next purchase. This deal is exclusive for our listeners. So visit carrawayhome.com slash V-I-A-L-L or use code V-I-A-L-L at checkout. Carraway, non-toxic cookware made modern. How's it going? It's going good. My name is Ellie and I'm 27 years old. How can I help Ellie?

I have been dating my boyfriend who is 33 years old and we have been dating for about two and a half years. We met in September, 2019. We both just moved to this town. He just started his residency program. He's going to be a family doctor, a DO, doctor of osteopathic medicine. I'm a teacher. I teach anatomy and physiology. So we just had a lot in common. And we still do. We hung out in groups, moved slow slow and then started our first day was October 2019. I'm just kind of anxious because he has a three-year residency program and it's ending in June 30th. And I knew he's a surfer, Southern California boy, and he wants to be back there. And obviously, like, I have interests with that too. But we just haven't

talked a whole lot about what's next. And it's just because he's so overwhelmed. Like he's been in school for 11 years, like just all this stuff. And I just feel like anxious and on the back burner. And I've expressed this, but I'm just like patiently waiting. He's like, just wait, like we can get it figured out. Like, cause I'm like, do I move with him? Like, but I don't want to force that. So when you say you're, what do you mean? He says, just wait, wait to like have a discussion about your future. So he's like saying, wait till the residency is officially over. And that's June 30th. And I'm like, okay. That's like two weeks away. What is he waiting for? To have a conversation? Yeah, I guess so. Just to kind of figure out what's going to happen with us. And to me,

I'm like, that just seems so last minute and rushed because he's applying the jobs already. Let me just make sure I'm understanding you correctly. You've been dating this guy for almost three years. You now live together. You already moved. Like we don't live together. Sorry. You don't live together. Yeah. We don't live together. So that's also another thing is like, we are very independent people. And that's something that like, I kind of value, like, I don't really want to live with someone. And I'm not like expecting, like my intention in dating is marriage. And I'm not expecting to like get an engagement anytime soon, like, because we just aren't even there. that I know that he's applying to jobs and he includes me in on this to Southern California. And right now, I forgot to tell you where we're at, but we're on the East Coast in Florida. So those are big details. And I'm like, I'm not just going to up and move or like do long distance.

And he knows that. Like when you say like, you're not ready for marriage, is that like true? and he knows that. When you say you're not ready for marriage, is that true? If he popped the question, if he came home out of nowhere, planned a trip and engaged you between you and me, what would you say? I would not feel confident just because right now, we haven't talked about logistics. What do you talk about with your boyfriend? Yeah. So that's what I'm saying. Like we have been so like comfortable and chilling.

Like we've been hanging out and I think like we've just been taking it so day to day, like go with the flow. And I was like cool for the first year or an hour, but like eventually. So like he has mentioned marriage he has, but it's just like, it's not brought up enough. And I'm, I feel like I've been bringing it up recently. And he said to me on Saturday that he reached out to his mentor that he has known for years and he wants to like start doing a study together or doing premarital counseling. And it's something that like he said a few months ago, but what I'm seeing

is like nothing, no action is really being done there. Like he's just saying it. And then he's like, well, you can help me schedule it. I don't know. I'm like, he's so consumed by this job thing. And he actually said to me, he's like, everything is going so well with us. I'm not even worried about us, but I just have to focus on this job. And I'm like, but this is a big thing for me. Well, yeah, that's the thing. He's like, everything is going so well for us.

He's starting to not pay enough attention to this relationship. He's starting to take it for granted. Yes. And it's like having a car he's not driving. It's just sitting in the driveway. And while it's like he's not putting miles on it, it's like it's going well. Yeah. Sounds like to me, like you need to go to him and say, listen, you know, whether it's like you go out to dinner and be like, I'd like for us to talk about our future. I'm not asking you for promises. I'm not asking you for deadlines. What I want is to feel comfortable with a man I've been dating for three years to like talk about expectations about the things that we want.

And what do we see for ourself in a future? Let's just be real with each other i love you i don't i hope you still love me do you see a future with me yes what does that look like what does our timeline look like i'm not asking for hard dates but i'm asking for like some idea i don't like right now it's not really fair i love that you are passionate about your job i love that you're career oriented. I love that this, like, I find it sexy. You're a doctor, whatever you want to say, but it's not fair for you to constantly ask me to put my life on hold. And yes, I'm like secure in my job and like, yeah, I'm a teacher. And right now, like I understand the next five years and maybe you don't have that same kind of comfort and peace of mind with your career right now. But that doesn't mean I have to like put my personal life and future on hold. Like, you know, I want to be able to just ask you questions. And I feel like after three years, we should be in a type of relationship that can like, you know, just talk about these things once in a while. I'm not putting pressure on you. I just want open lines of communication. Like what I want from, for us is that we can just have these conversations without being some sort of like interrogation or pressure packed

conversation. But like, it's just not realistic for you to keep telling me to push off asking like simple questions, you know? Oh my gosh. That's exactly how I feel it it took me a while to like put my thoughts together but yeah and I think sometimes when I have those talks with him I do feel like I'm pressuring just because like I don't want to be I'm trying so patiently to like I know he has so much on his plate like with this residency and I know he respects that, but I'm like, I have to talk to him. So it's like, it's coming up now, like so much to a point where I just don't want to be dwelling on it. I want there to be some change. You can be busy like with your work, whatever your job is. And it's all relative. It's like,

you know, I podcast, but sometimes I feel like I work really hard and put a lot of like a time and energy into my career. And there are moments where i feel overwhelmed but you don't get to ask your partner to like back off for like weeks or months at a time you know you can be like today i i need this is a tough week for me but like if you want to be in a partnership and a relationship you don't get to ignore them for weeks on end, maybe a week. And after a week, you'd be like, hey, thanks for being patient with me. I'm sorry, this was a really hard week. Can we have dinner? And then they check in with you. And is there anything I can do for you? You can't check out for extended periods of time

and expect your partner to feel like they're in a partnership. Yeah. And like, I recently have been the one checking in on him. So I think that's why I'm so anxious is because normally he gives me that reassurance and like, it's all going to be okay. Or like sets up a dinner where we can hang out. And, but it just like this past week or so, it's really

just been like on me, I feel like. And that's where I'm starting to just kind of lose my patience and just be like, I just don't want to keep waiting around and yeah, exactly what you said. And so I just want to like, be able to go to him confidently because the last couple of times I will admit I've been a little emotional and it just seems like kind of all over the place. And he's very like, I've never really even seen him cry, you know? Like, so he's just like, what's going on? I thought you were okay. Like, cause I can, I can like, I think when, Yeah, I mean, I can like, I think when, as a guy, especially as men, we can struggle with like, we will think of things logically and pragmatically. And we think all this all makes sense. And then we try talking to our partners. And if our partners like, happen to be emotional in that moment or cry, we not only don't know what to do, we, it almost feels like it kind of can feel even manipulative or like confusing because you're just like why are you crying let's just i don't know how to talk to some like and then you feel you get defensive because like did i make you cry

so men can get better at that but like the fact that you are crying to say i'm sorry i'm emotional but like i just want to be able to talk to you about this, you know? Yeah. I just hold it in. And he was on the phone with his brother after we had like this super nice day on Saturday and like talking to him about how he's going to go on this surf trip in December. Like, and I'm like, dude, can we just figure out us? Like, I don't want to be so selfish because I'm all about that. But I'm like, he's planning for that, which is great. Like surfing is such a priority. And I love that about him.

And I also enjoy water sports and stuff. But I'm like, okay, like here I am just sitting here while you talk to your brother. Like, I don't want to just keep doing that. And I feel like I play house and we don't even live together but I'm like starting to lose that like we have that physical attraction like clearly I wouldn't be with him and he wouldn't be with me for that but like I got to the point where I didn't even want to like stay because I'm just like I don't want to stay over and continue this if we're not like figuring things out and I actually said that to

him and he's like you know whatever you want like I actually get that like that makes sense and I'm like hoping like our nights not together like he thinks and you know I'm like thinking oh maybe he's gonna be thinking about me and this is gonna want him to want me more like I've read the books I've heard your you know some things that you guys have talked about on the podcast. Like I'm trying, but I don't want to play games either. It's like, yeah, I want to be with him and I want to sleep over, but I know in the long run, I don't want to just like play house. And I don't know if that makes sense. No, it does. I mean, I think the best you can do is just try to let you know we always lead with i'm really proud of you i think what you're doing is great like i find it really attractive how hard

you work you know all the things that you know like he might get defensive with you know his first compliment him but you you stand your ground with the things that you want right i need you to do this for me and i think that's always goes a little bit better than complaining about what you're not getting by just saying what you are getting oh yeah yeah that's good you know i event you know but eventually you can say like i i don't want to feel taken for granted. Yeah, that's what the term I just need to go with. I have a hard time being super direct. But when I get emotional to say, I can be direct. But that's a good word, taken advantage of.

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can understand that. Yes, exactly. I want to be there for you, but I don't want to feel like I, yeah, I guess I have a little anxiety around you like not wanting to be with me or not needing me when this is all said and done. Like I want to, I just need a little reassurance. I need some, you know. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like he's said little things like you could come with me. I want you to want to want me, you know, it's just like, you know, and. Yeah, exactly. It's like, I don't want to just follow you. Like I really have no reason to move. Like, of course I want to get to that stage where I can live with him and be married. But right now, I don't need to pick up and move.

I would do that for him. And it would be exciting, a change. And I would love to live in that area. But I'm like, I want to make sure he actually wants that. And the good news, it sounds like you still have your independence and you still have this ability to be without him if it if that someday requires that and i think that's that's good that you have that power and you haven't lost yourself completely in this relationship because it'd be hard to do it'd be

empathetic and understanding if you're just like you know if after three years you feel like you've put all your eggs in this basket and the idea of him like what you know and you seem to have a relatively pragmatic approach of like i don't know if i you of him like what you know and you seem to have a relatively pragmatic approach of like i don't know if i you know but what i you know you're prioritizing your needs still which i think is a good thing okay so i think it's great that you're doing that and you just need to try to communicate that in a way that you feel heard yeah exactly i just i'm so worried about pressuring him but you you know, if he's saying like he wants to do. You're not pressuring him. You're communicating to him what you need and want.

Okay. And you have to remind yourself that that's okay. And you tell him like, I think it should be okay that I can communicate with you what I need and want. And I don't know if it's, I don't think it's really fair that I have to like put these needs always on the back burner. Like my needs and wants can't always come second to your, to, to your job or your, in your needs and wants. Like I feel like, and ask him, do you really, do you think I haven't been patient? Do you think I haven't been supportive? Yeah. He supportive yeah he says like he says i have been he's just like just hold on but i'm like hold on for what yeah right i'm like i know june 30th is right around the corner but i could totally see him just like is he like

gradually like he like i mean fine if he just wants to focus these last two weeks but like yeah all right fine like are you like, I can have a conversation with you the next day. Like, is that what you're telling me? Like, I don't, fine. But like us sitting down and talking and putting, having some clarity about where you're standing in this relationship and have a very pragmatic, you know, just be like, yeah, I don't know. Do you want, is this, where's this going? We've been together for three years. And while we may not be getting engaged, I think need to both we both deserve to know we both deserve to check in and find out how we're feeling about this relationship i mean the good news is is like you're open-minded and that open-mindedness that like that lack of like total fear that you can't live without him

will serve you well both even if he decides and i think it will keep him in check. Yeah. Cause it's like, the last thing I want to do is break up, but I almost feel like, I don't know how I feel about ultimatums. You're not giving an ultimatum. You're just asking him to check in. You're just like, I need some clarity about where I stand with my boyfriend of three years. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, I don't even need to say the words like breakup. Right. Cause it's like, yeah. Cause I'm like, I don't want to. Yeah. Not unless he like really, I mean, to the point where if he's like, keeps shooting you down to have a conversation, you're just like, I, yeah, that's not okay. Yeah. It just, it seems like I know he's avoidant. Like that's something I clearly picked up on and I can be like that too, but I always thought it was about like, not these types of things. I'm like, Oh my gosh, geez. Like, yeah, it's not like you guys are like, Hey, we're, we're planning an

engagement. We've both agreed that we want to get engaged in the near future. And he's just like, Hey, let me surprise you. Can you please stop like asking all the details of potential engagement? Because like, I kind of want some romance in it because it's kind of like, you know, you asked me too many questions. I'm just going to fucking tell you when I'm going to get engaged, but that's not what's happening. You're just like, you have a lot of these unknowns and you're walking around feeling like you've been dating this guy in this particular stage of your relationship. You have as much clarity of dating him for three months as you would after three years. And you're just like, I don't know, there's, there's so many unknowns and the unknowns keep

increasing. And I don't feel like after dating him for someone for three years, I have more unanswered questions about our future than answered questions. And that doesn't make me someone who's pressuring you or who's too demanding I'm just like a human being that like wants some like security and I feel like this is pretty reasonable and you're a reasonable guy so do you agree yeah and that's good I need to remember to compliment him in these situations too yeah it goes a long way with men yeah yeah because i just i the last two conversations have been like me just saying everything i want and then i haven't acknowledged much of all the work that he's been doing yeah it's never like it's never work when you're just like don't we want

to be careful you want to have a conversation not just unload everything you've been feeling and and holding on to the past couple weeks yeah. Yeah. Oh boy. Yeah. I definitely look back. Keep it focused. Yeah. You know, the next focus is like, I really just want to talk about like where we might be living a year from now. Yeah. And okay. I wasn't sure if I should bring this up, but I don't know how we're doing on time, but I just have like one thing that is like kind of in the back of my mind.

I can live with it, but on Saturday we had that great day and he is on the phone with his brother. He gives me his Apple TV remote and wants me to watch his YouTube video of hydrofoiling. We do that. It's, but anyway, all that to say is he wanted me to watch it and his little like history thing popped up and it was like all these videos of these women. And I'm like, I know what that is, you know, and he's not on social media, like in all of that, but I just felt so awkward. It was like videos. I mean, YouTube can only show too much or, you know, I don't think YouTube does YouTube even show porn. Like I got so awkward. I don't think so. But what was it like? It was like, it was like women's butts and thongs and like things like that. This is definitely. So it sounds like

that was his porn. Yeah, exactly. And we've talked about this, like, you know, and I'm like, no, no, I don't really, I just don't really, I don't know. I just don't like porn. So all that to say, he knows that. And he comes out after being on the phone with his brother. And I, like, he saw like my pure reaction to me seeing that. And I'm like, oh my gosh, like I'm initially thinking he thinks I'm snooping. I like, honestly have no reason to not trust him or snoop. It

literally, I look like I'm snooping and he just like looks at me and he's like, okay. Like, yeah. And he apologized. He got a little defensive because he thought I was snooping. And I'm like, I swear, like I wasn't. It just popped up on the history. And so I'm like, piss. I find it weirdly endearing that you've communicated that you don't like porn. So he's like going to YouTube to watch like PG-13 porn. Yeah, exactly.

I know. Right. And I find it weirdly endearing it's so funny like it is i we laughed about it we actually did like i'm not like this i'm not going to be judgmental you know or whatever like i get it like you had a lonely night after maybe i just told you a few days ago that i don't want to have sleepovers because I'm like, can we figure this stuff out? So maybe that led to it. I don't care. And I said that. Well, that's the thing. I don't think you're saying I don't want to have sleepovers because I want to figure like that to me seems an unproductive, like that sounds like a weird ultimatum to like not solve the bigger problem. You want, you want to sleep over. Yes. You want to have conversations.

You want to have open dialogue. Yes. You want to be able to, like, check in and say, can we talk about this and just get on the same page? We don't even have to have, like, we don't have to come up with answers per se. I just want to be able to talk about it with you. Yeah. And I want to know what you're thinking. And I want to know what you're feeling.

And I don't want to guess. But you also have to like cultivate an environment that makes them feel comfortable to share those things. Right. Yeah. And so I felt bad like, cause I don't want to not do, like, I want to have sleepovers and it felt weird. So ever since then, I've just been feeling weird because like I pulled that away and then like I kind of felt awkward with that YouTube thing even though we like talked about it it just was like I just don't want this and I feel like I'm pushing myself away or like just after that like and it's so stupid like I just want to be able to feel like you have a lot of rules for him. Not necessarily, but like, now that I'm saying it out loud, it does kind of sound like it. I think I just really want to do things right. So I, I have boundaries and maybe,

you know, they are roles. So I think I'm just surrounded by people that are like wanting the best for me, but I just needed someone from the outside perspective to see it, how it is like, because I just want to make sure I'm not pushing things away. And yeah. Well, listen, from this whole conversation, I think it's a little bit of both, right? You obviously have been, you've been dating the guy for three years and there's a lot of people listening who wouldn't wait three years without any sort of security when it comes to engagement. So clearly you've been like very like compromising

and very understanding. And the fact that he is like unwilling to give you some security, that's on him. And that's something that you deserve in a relationship. But it sounds like there might be other aspects of your relationship or maybe like you're squeezing a little too tight and you're like a little like too controlling in areas that really aren't very productive that maybe, you know, put a lot of pressure on him. And he's just, you know, I think sometimes as men, we, you know, like I said, I think making him feel appreciated and compliment him goes a long way with men. I think men really respond to feeling appreciated the way women feel loved. Yeah.

Maybe we should go. Yeah. It's definitely the no sleepover thing is hard. I think that's what's been beating me up too. So yeah, I'll definitely communicate. And I think if you get off the phone and say like, you know what, I, I, I want, I want us, I, I, I hope, I don't know if you miss me, but I want, I want us like, can we just stop this? I want to spend the nights with you as long as you still want to spend the night, like give an opportunity to check in. But then that's an opportunity because like,

I don't really care about that. What I care is i want i want us to communicate and i apologize that like i i think i was being indirect i was hoping that you would do this that's not fair to you i should be more clear with my communication because that's what i'm literally asking you the same from me and and you want clear communication from him and your way of doing that was to be passive aggressive with like withholding your time. Yeah, yeah. Oh man. Yeah, you're right.

So that's, I'm glad I was fully honest with you about this. I wasn't sure if it was a thing that I should bring up or not, but I'm so glad I did. Yeah, so just say what you feel and what you want. Try to not trick them into getting what you want. You know, just be direct. I agree. Okay, good. I don't know if that was helpful.

Thank you so much. No, that's so helpful. I'm just trying to digest it a little bit and think about, make sure I, yeah. thank you so much for maybe let him watch some porn on his birthday or something you know something freaky yeah his birthday is coming up too that'd be kind of funny I just I don't want anything to be forced and I really need to take in that what you said because if I'm forcing these things I don't want it but but don't be like you still have the right for clarity you do yeah okay you don't yeah good yeah it's like it may take some time but as long as he's willing to put in the work and talk about it too then yeah all right okay best of luck thank you so

much my pleasure awesome that you do this like i couldn I couldn't believe it. I do my best. I get to go. Yeah. All right. Thank you. All right. Take care. You too. All right. Bye-bye.

Bye. How's it going? Hi, it's good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Olivia and I'm 25. Hi, Olivia.

How can we help? So I'm getting married in less than four months and I've been running into a lot of problems with plus ones. There is this recurring thing going on with my boss and I just really don't know what to do. So like I said, we're getting married in four months. We're inviting both of our coworkers. We work for very small, uh, close knit companies. So we're already tight on numbers as is. And my boss, this is like the owner of my company, like signs my paychecks, not just like a supervisor. So he's like head honcho. Right. So he started dating this girl at the beginning of the year, around the same time that my fiance and I got engaged. and he is under the assumption that she is coming to the wedding.

Now, because we are so close knit as a company, we didn't feel like it was necessary to give everyone plus ones and everyone from either of our work is okay with that. But he just keeps bringing it up and he's not telling me to my face. He's kind of like going behind my back and talking to like other coworkers about it. Anyway, it's just a little weird. And I wish you'd come to me considering he's, you know, my boss, an older man. And how old is he? He's 38. Okay. Interesting. So that's the, that's the dilemma basically. And I mean, it kind of, it's been going on more recently, like here this week. And that's what made me write in. What's stopping you from giving him special treatment because, you know, he's the boss?

You know, like whether that's fair or not. I mean, we could debate that, you know, obviously all day long. Yeah. But for just your peace of mind, or do you think, or is that going to create because the company you work for is small enough that that is going to like have the domino effect of other people like,

well, why don't I get a black belt? That's exactly why. Plus my ego, honestly, which I know you talk about a lot, but like if he would have just came to me and said, hey, I would really appreciate it. Like I'm going to marry this girl.

I love her, which just for context he's dated several girls in the time span of you don't buy it here and it yeah that's been three years and he's had the same equal like seriousness level with all of these women so I'm like I don't even know if you guys will be together come our wedding so I don't I mean I get what you're saying from just a personal standpoint and trying to like solve this personal dilemma. It doesn't do you any good to judge his relationship. You know what I'm saying?

Or, or relationships in general and fairness to him. Maybe he just loves hard and he's not really, he's trying his best and, and, but maybe this is the person I don't know. And maybe his, his doing this has

more to do with her than him, you know? So like you have no plus, like, does it no plus ones, regardless of like, if they're married or not, like what are your, what are your rules? Okay. So my director is getting a plus one and that's the only person who is because I've met his wife. They're married with kids, just having a more personal relationship with his spouse. This girlfriend that I've met of my boss, I've met her twice and she's called me the wrong name on both occasions. So there just isn't much. I feel like your ego is definitely playing a role in your stubbornness for this. So I guess this is- Do you blame me though?

No, I don't mean, I don't care. You know, like it's more, if you can acknowledge that your egos are playing a role in your decision, then you have to decide how big of a deal is this really to you, right? Because if you can acknowledge that your ego is playing a role, then you're playing a game, so to speak. You know, you're kind of enjoying the drama of it all. There's a part of you that is like stubbornly fighting back because you can. Because deep down, you know that you could just give this guy what he wants and probably even make your job easier in life a little easier in the process. But you're just like, fuck it.

No, I don't have to. Here are the reasons why I feel justified. And I'm not telling you you're wrong. I'm just pointing out that like you, you are in the driver's seat here. And so, you know, like, well, so let's just walk through it. Like if you, if you stand your ground, what does that look like for you? Like, what are the risks? Yeah, I drafted a text and it was really straightforward.

Just saying like, I'm happy for you and your girlfriend. I'm glad you and it was really straightforward just saying like, I'm happy for you and your girlfriend. I'm glad you're getting the love you deserve. But we made this list before you guys even started dating. And I wish you would have come to me and asked for a plus one. Maybe it would have been different. I don't think you should text that. You don't? No. I mean, because texts are easily misinterpreted. He's going to read it in his mindset, in his tone.

If he's feeling defensive, he'll read it defensively. Part of your frustration is his lack of maturity and just being upfront. And so I think to counter that, you have to be the most mature and most upfront. And that is a face-to-face conversation. A text is fine, but it's more passive form of communication. So he doesn't actually live, we're in the Midwest and he's on the East Coast. So he moved there about six months ago. Does he have to fly to your wedding? The man is a millionaire. I'm not worried about his travel accommodation.

No, no, no, no. It has nothing to do with money. It's more making someone travel on their own to a wedding and hang out by themselves. But our whole company will be here. His three closest best friends work for us. Yeah. I mean, I hear you. It's your wedding. You can do what you want.

It's just more like, what is this? If you stay on your ground, what does that look like for you? Is it going to be, is he, how petty do you, how petty is he? Very. He's very petty. I mean, just what he's done so far has kind of shown that in my opinion. Well, I, I i what you're describing is more immature yeah well i will say so he knows that he isn't getting a plus one petty would be like doing something in in reaction out of spite be like well you did he she's not inviting not letting my plus one so i'm not picking her for this team you know you know what I'm saying? It's like a punishment. But gossiping behind your back is just more immature. It's less petty. Yeah. Well, I will say we were planning

travel accommodations as a company and I was looped in on that email with my fiance. And our chief of staff sent out an email just saying like, how does this hotel sound up for everyone or this Airbnb? And he replied, let me ask his girlfriend and I'll get back to you guys, even though he knows she's not invited. So it's stuff like that. And he knew that I was on the email chain. Yeah. That's just him being a little bit of a bully, but none of the, if you want me to tell you, you're right, that he's being a bully, then you're right. Or he could be handling this better, then you're right. But you being right doesn't necessarily matter. That's your ego, right? But the big question is how is this going to affect you going forward, right? If it's not going to affect you, then do what you want. But there's a part of you that like, I'm assuming the reason why you're calling is to like,

is that part of you that knows, I know my ego is triggered. I know I'm kind of spitefully like standing my ground. I probably could just let this person come. But that just irritates me because he could be doing, if he was going about this in a better way. But none of that is going to make a difference in terms of how this could affect you in your work afterwards. And the part of you that I'm guessing is making you call in and ask my opinion is the part of you that deep down is worried,

is me standing my ground really worth it? What could he do to make my life or job a little bit more difficult? Could he hold a grudge? Because it doesn't matter. That's, I guess, the benefit of being the boss of a very small company is you're God, and he probably has some sort of God complex. And that sucks. But also, you have to keep in mind who he's dating. And if she makes his life more miserable as a result of her not being able to go, you know who he's going to punish? You. And the big question is, is how much do you really think he's going to punish you? Or how petty do you think he is? And if you think he is really petty, and you think, because as long as she holds a grudge,

And if you think he is really petty and you think, and because as long as she holds a grudge, he'll hold a grudge against you. Yeah. Okay. But how do, okay. So say I do give him a plus one,

would that just be a phone call? Be like, Hey, you've been begging for this. Here it is. Like, I obviously won't say that, but have you,

have you sent out like invites? I mean, at what stage are you at in terms of RSVPs and like picking out food and all that stuff? So it's beginning of November. So we're sending out the invites beginning of August. So like two weeks from now. Have you already addressed his envelope? No.

I would just put both their names on it. I don't know. And just let him see. Yeah. That's one option. If you want to just lay low and not have it be. I don't think she wants to lay low. Okay.

I definitely don't. I want him to know that. Yeah. So how do you, and you know him, we don't know him. How do you, do you think that he, you could call him up and be professional and respectful, but stay on your ground to say, hey, you know, I talked to my fiance, you know, we're going to invite Kylie, but like, can I please speak freely? And it really bothered me because this is what I heard and it was frustrating and I would have appreciated you

just coming to me directly and just speaking to me. And, you know, I want us to have that type of personal and professional relationship. And she can come, but I'm assuming that's how you would want me to communicate with you. And I would want the same thing from you. And I think that's totally fair. And you do it professionally, and then you let him have it. And hopefully he can recognize and say, you know what, you're right. I could have handled it better, but thank you for allowing. You're making my life a lot easier. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I think that's totally fine.

And listen, if he responds like an asshole, then maybe you know to start looking elsewhere. You know, like, you know, bide your time and you don't have to quit or anything but if he is if he is that immature and and that confrontational and that petty then then that's not something you want to like really invest your career in long term you know i don't think you quit right away but just recognize that it's risky to work for someone like that you know if you're going to work for someone in a small, intimate setting who can kind of invoke all that power because it's his company, you want them to be level-headed and can take some criticism and respect you and respect your personal life and not act like they're God. And if they have a God complex, then that's something that's unpredictable and you'll never win. I don't think he has a God complex and then that's something that's unpredictable and you'll never, yeah, you'll never win. I don't think he has a God complex. He is a really great man. And like, I respect him greatly and I appreciate everything, all the opportunities. I think it's just,

he loves very, very hard. And sometimes that gets misdirected. So, so there you go. So that's you being empathetic to his situation, right? You, he loves hard and he wants us to work out and maybe he's dating a pain in the ass woman. And listen, you're not going to see a lot of people at your wedding, you know? And so you don't have to, like, you don't have to hang out with her. Like her being at your wedding is like, won't be, you're going to have so many other things on your mind. Her being there is the least of your concerns. So it sounds like if you are professional to him and respectful, you can still speak your mind, let being there is the least of your concerns. So it sounds like if you are professional

to him and respectful, you can still speak your mind, let him know how his actions made you feel, let him know that you're going to invite her. But in the future, you would appreciate, you know, if he's frustrated with you about anything that, you know, you don't want to hear it from your coworkers. And you just say like,, imagine if I'm frustrated with you, you would want me to speak to you directly. You wouldn't want to hear it from Jan or Eric or Tommy or whoever. And I just want you to give me the same respect that you want me to give you. I agree.

I needed to hear that. Because I don't think being stubborn and letting your ego take over is going to do you. I agree. I needed to hear that. Because I don't think being stubborn and letting your ego take over is going to do you any good. No, it was fun for like a week, but now I'm like, I actually have to make this decision. So. Yeah. And just tell him like, it just, it didn't, you know, put yourself in my shoes when you responded to that email. I have to ask, knowing that like she wasn't invited, like think about the position you put me in with everyone else like you know we're on a budget you know he signs your paychecks so it's kind of a weird thing for someone who pays you to expect you to spend more money on them so you just remind them like listen we're on a budget like

it's not as easy for us to invite everyone and I don't know like me you know but like you know so like it would just it would have made my life a little easier if you would have just been a little bit more communicative with me and rather than than expressing your frustrations to the entire team who know that she's not invited yeah just made it weird for everyone but don't don't add that little stuff you know those little digs but just keep stay on point about being professional, you know, the same way you would like handle, like, you know,

make no mistake. It's still like a, it's, it's a work conversation about a personal thing. So like keep it professional and just be honest and direct. And I think you'll be fine. All right. I'd love to know what happens.

Keep us posted. Send an update. All right. Congratulations on the wedding. I hope it goes great. And, thank you. you i appreciate that don't sweat the small stuff just focus on on your soon-to-be husband they're all there they're all there to celebrate you but none of that really matters yeah all right all right cool congratulations thank you nick all right take care Congratulations.

Thank you, Nick. All right. Take care. How's it going? Hi, Nick. My name is Rebecca and I'm 27 years old. Hi, Rebecca. How can I help?

Yeah. So I've been dating this guy for a couple of months. Things have been going very well. However, about a month in, he told me that he was offered promotion at his job, which is great. However, the new role is in Germany. Where are you calling from? Are you in the United States? Yes. Yes. I'm in the United States. I'm not in Europe, but lucky for him that he's going. Yeah. So it was about a month in and we both liked each other. So we continue to see each other. And he asked me if I wanted to come visit him in Germany. And I said yes. And a little back story is that I was planning a trip to Europe in August with my cousin.

She couldn't go last minute. And since he asked me, I was like, well, I already had a time off from work. So I was like, why not? So, yeah. So we made plans to meet up in Germany um a week before he left he um stopped contact and I haven't heard from him since so now I'm how long ago is this yes this was about a week ago so you dated a guy for two months a month and he got a promotion saying he was in germany and then that second month of him

what planning to move etc etc he was like you should come visit me when i move yes has he moved yet yes a week ago it's been it's been like about 10 days and at what point did he ghost you so basically we spent time with each other went on on dates like took photos with each other i thought everything's were going well um basically we spent the last day together and he just disappeared the last day like what happened the last day we just went on a date we went out to dinner um we went to like this beach park in the city that we both lived in at the time. We talked, laughed, took pictures together. And you haven't heard from him. So I guess, what's your question?

Oh, basically, I'm feeling a lot better about the situation. But every now and then, I just feel really conflicted and confused about it. And I'm also still going to Germany because I already booked a flight and my hotels, and I think I should still go. And I'm honestly a nervous wreck about it. Wait, so you, at what point did he ask you to come visit him? I would say like maybe a couple of weeks after he told me about his promotion and his moving. And did he say, oh, you should come visit sometime? Or it was like, and when's the trip?

I leave in two weeks. You leave in two weeks. And so did you guys talk about the specific dates when he was like, oh, you should come out? You were like, oh, great. I'll come out in two, like in three weeks. Yes. I told him dates and everything.

And he was all like down. He was very down. Yes. And now you're going to germany anyways and it sounds like it's going to be a trip yes by myself because uh i originally was going to go with my cousin she couldn't go so since he asked me i'm like you know what why not i already have the time off from work and school. What are your expectations? What are your honest expectations? Like, what's your plan? Like, are you calling and hoping I say, like, you know what, you should chase them down and get some answers? Like, are you, like.

I don't know. I'm assuming, like, what are you fantasizing about this trip? You must be fantasizing. Oh, yeah, I definitely am fantasizing. What are those fantasies that you are thinking about? Well, honestly, like like i feel really conflicted i don't know if i should reach out to him or not how many times have you tried to reach out to him huh i mean i'm assuming you've reached out to him right so i reached out to him once okay so he left on the friday and i thought i'd give him some space because honestly that's a lot lot. So I reached out on a Tuesday to check in and see how everything's going.

He did not respond. And so now it's been a week. Yeah, you should reach out again. You think I should reach out again? Well, listen, it's definitely not a good sign. I'm not trying to give you false hope. But you could have reached out and like, fuck, for all you know, he didn't even get the text. It could have gone green. I don't know know he's traveling in europe possible i wouldn't get your hopes up but it's possible still not great he hasn't reached out but a move across

the world to a different country exactly is a big deal and there's a lot going on and and you're almost certainly not a priority. Like, you know what I'm saying? Even if he was still excited and you're still talking, he would have other priorities going on. Which I 100% understand. So I don't think it's crazy for you to like reach out one more time just to see. Okay. And I don't know if he has the same number also.

Well, I mean, if he's changed his number and not told you, then I think you got your answer. I'm pretty sure. What makes you think it's a different number? Oh, because, um,

he has mentioned, like he, he told me about his plans. He's mentioned that when he gets to Europe, he's going to have to get a new SIM card. and he mentioned, um, giving me his whatsapp

number so he can stay in contact however i we both forgot about it we both forgot to mention it and yeah he left without doing that i mean that doesn't add up listen i think you you should reach out to him and text him if okay regardless if he has a new number or not, you have your answer. Gotcha. And if this guy didn't go out of his way to make it easy for you to reach out to him, then you got your answer. And so, yeah. Exactly. You don't need to like stalk him on Facebook or whatever. Okay.

But I do think it's okay to reach out with the number that you have and see if you can connect with him and just be like how's it going like haven't heard from you in a while now yeah assuming you don't get a hold of him go to germany good for you have fun but i would stop fantasizing about running into him or confronting him or anything like and try your best it's going to to be hard because deep down you'll always know why you booked that trip. Try to be very adventurous and try to get out there and have fun and try to meet people. And if you don't meet anyone, still just try to be as adventurous as you can without feeling sorry for yourself or wondering what he's doing and et cetera, et cetera. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean, I booked several tours, so I mean, I am excited,

but I'm going to be honest. This is my first solo trip. First solo international trip. And there's no way to change the flight to like a different country. Like that's not possible. Like most hotels that you cancel 24 hours with, as long as you give them 24 hour notice, you couldn't book a different hotel in a different country. Just a thought.

Like maybe not going to that city could be a more fun experience. I just had a good time in Paris. It's fun. No, I'm still going. I'm still going. I'm going to have a good time. Whatever happens. When you say whatever happens, I think that you're still planning on, you're hoping to rendezvous with him. That would be nice, but honestly, I'm okay if it doesn't.

I'm okay if it doesn't. It's okay. I mean, I'm really bummed out about it, but it happens and I'm trying to be positive. Yeah. I would reach out one more time. I would just text him like, hey, how's the move going? I'd love to catch up. Okay, sounds good. I'll do that. And text him, looking forward to seeing you in two weeks. You're coming. Okay.

Based off of his request. So you can put that out there. All right. I'll do it. I'll shoot my shot. I just can't imagine he would turn off you know you don't it's not normal to like move in a week later like if you're gonna get a number that's fine but you also especially if you know that someone's coming to visit you he has the

dates he knows yes yeah he just thinks that you're just gonna somehow find your way where you're supposed to go or he just like ghosted me which is unfortunate i mean if you're not interested in meeting up let me know yeah literally let me know so i can cancel yeah yeah so like the last night you hung out was that like the day before he left yes it was the night before he left and then how did you guys leave it like i'll i'll hit you up like what like i'll text you when i get there what was like what any of that stuff so i left really early in the morning like you spent the night at this place yes and you're like bye yeah yeah we hugged goodbye said see you later everything the the night before i mean we went out to the beach had dinner talked laughed

took pictures everything yeah i'll reach out one more time okay okay i'll do that so yeah so that's why i called in because i'm just really confused yeah no i understand i mean if he's ghosted you that'd be pretty shitty and and i can understand why you're confused and frustrated. But if that is the reality, you just have to accept it. You just accept that he did a shitty thing. There's nothing to understand. You know what I'm saying? Like we spend a lot of time trying to understand why someone could do the shitty thing. And the reality is, is, you know, sometimes people can be immature,

bad communicators and just really selfish. And that's, that would be the reason. So just don't waste a lot of your energy being like, why? I don't understand. Why did he do that? I thought we had this and I thought we had that.

And like, it's, you're not crazy. It's just like he, he, he chose to be immature and selfish. You can have so much fun traveling on your own. I think it will be really empowering,

especially if you kind of manage the expectation that you might feel shitty a little bit. You're going to be in a city. It's undeniable that it's a disappointing situation if it doesn't work out. So I think if you give yourself permission to feel shitty a little bit of the time and get it out,

but then also have a lot of fun, it will be so empowering. Just having a trip and having all this quality time with yourself. And I think you'll come back feeling like very re-energized. Okay. Thank you. Well, let us know if he responds and then let us know how the trip went.

Yeah. Oh, I will. I'll send you a picture because I'm definitely going. Okay. Well, good luck. All right. Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget tomorrow,abeth wagmeister to break down the bachelorette holly madison i'm going deeper don't forget to write in reviews we'll see you tomorrow