The Viall Files - E457 Ask Nick - Is Good Sex Worth the Emotional Cost?

Episode Date: August 8, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! On this episode we bring on our listeners to help give them answers to their questions! Our first caller rides the line of navigating a situationship when she gets rejected after asking her friends with benefits to hangout outside of the bedroom. Catching feelings and feeling like this guy is only in it for the sex, our caller wonders how to deal, when his fantasies are about sex and hers are about romance. Our next caller has admitted to having feelings to her long term guy friend. Now she has to embrace the uncertainty to shoot her shot. Our last caller has been in a great relationship with her boyfriend but starts to question everything knowing that she’ll be taking an internship in Italy for 6 months. Now she wonders if it’s worth embracing this next chapter by being single in Europe or if she should still explore and grow while staying in a relationship.  “Stop worrying about accumulating exes.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Canva: Design like a pro with Canva Pro! Right now, you can get a FREE 45-day extended trial when you use my promo code! Just go to canva.me/viall to get your FREE 45-day extended trial. Grammarly: Get to the point faster and accomplish more with Grammarly. Go to http://www.grammarly.com/VIALL to sign up for a free account! And when you’re ready to upgrade to Grammarly Premium, get 20% off for being my listener. Framebridge: Get started today - frame your photos or send someone the perfect gift. Go to http://www.Framebridge.com and use promo code VIALL to save an additional 15% off your first order. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the volatiles not exciting i'll let you guys decide if it's exciting ask nick edition Edition. How's it going, ladies? Allie, Amanda? You actually looked at the right person when you did that. Was that intentional? It's a brain thing. You go left, right? Amanda, Allie?

I don't even... That just sounds like two different people. Yeah, I know. It always goes in the same order. I'm in an improv class with Broken Leg Guy. We will never not have him in our lives and i think it's okay like how does he handle all this i think like he um maybe puts more thought into it than i do which is fair um have you had to do any like one-on-one oh we do a lot it's funny because

sometimes there would just be like these scenes where it's like you're playing like people dating just like looking each other in the eye like um and so i feel i feel like it's kind of what i want to do is i have a dream of producing an improv show called frenemies with benefits which is not a term that we coined it's from a different podcast but it's how like broken like i described us for a little while and i want to produce this improv show where it's all like two profs, like two person improv. And everybody is hooked up with each other at some point in the past. Like it has to be someone you fucked but are no longer fucking. Because I think that would be really fun.

That sounds fun. Yeah. Doesn't that sound like. That's an improv team. It would be like a show like once a night. Could it be like a one night stand? Or does it have to be like a longer term? I think it's okay if it's a one night stand if you've like known each other for a while.

Okay. There has to be awkwardness. Yeah. There has to be like some degree of like there's history here. There's some gravity. Someone's ego has to be triggered. Yeah. And the other person has to feel powerful.

I am trying to rekindle some toxic flames at this show. That would be fun. I would come and watch. Thank you. Thank you. Nick, you want to go? Sure. Yeah.

You were saying something about your friend. Oh, yeah. My friend. I had a chat with a friend who recently said to me that they seemed to be in a wonderful relationship. But for whatever reason, it seemed like, I don't know, they were like irritated with their boyfriend or something.

I don't really know. And they said to me that they kind of, they were saying I love you to one another. They were already at that stage? They have already said I love you. They said that they felt, not necessarily regret, but like anxiety that they already said i love you

to one another because like they you know were going through like they were feeling a little more insecure about things than they wanted to nothing like in specific or particular but like whatever they felt like you know it was they've gone through a really nice honeymoon phase how long have they been dating i don't six months to a year ish that's they been dating? I don't know. Six months to a year-ish. That's so long. Maybe less. I don't know. Let's call it six months, give or take. And it made me think to myself, well, what a disappointing feeling that they're having. I disagreed with their feeling. And then I asked them, if they broke up with you today or tomorrow or in the next week, would you regret having said, I love you to them? I don't remember if they gave me a

clear answer. I think they pondered the answer, but I had this thought of, well, they shouldn't. And I get the logic because it made me realize, you know, something I've been kind of beating down with you guys by being the audience is like we just have to like take it a little easy on ourselves and stop focusing on accumulating exes or accumulating I love yous. People think a lot about their permanent record. Yeah. Like it's going on a permanent record and it's a big deal. It's like their LinkedIn page. Totally. You know, like, oh, this person has said I love you to like four people.

Will they endorse me? Because the truth is like, and the reason why I said like, well, if they break up either tomorrow, would you regret it? I was hoping the answer would be totally no. The truth is like this person said, when they said I love you, they meant it. They felt it. Obviously, what I love you meant to this person when they first, I love you, they meant it. They felt it. Obviously what I love you meant to this person when they first said it was going to mean something different than if they continue to

date this person and say it to them a year from now or two years from now or 20 years from now, like love evolves, it changes. But like, if you mean it when you say it, then like, why should you ever regret it? And I just feel like I did this TikTok. I asked if what would be a bigger turnoff? You're dating someone, you like them and you find out they have 20 like sexual partners or they've said, I love you to eight different people. And I wasn't surprised, but like 70% of the people said it was a bigger turnoff to be dating someone and find out they have said, I love you to eight different people now listen context matters like depending on age and where they are in their life but like the truth

is like who gives a shit about either like I've said before the game has changed it's a different game and yet we are still like trying to fall in love with the same expectations we've had always like in the 1950s within like a radius, or like within like a five block radius. A block radius. There's crazy stats about like the percentage of people that married someone from like two apartment buildings over. Yeah, yeah. And the bachelor, again,

but the bachelor is based off of like what 1950s dating was, which is like young women and men at like 18, kind of speed dating, but they would go on these real basic, simple dates, hold hands, like whatever, decide if there's a connection or not and move on. And then once you met someone, you felt like, oh my, I think they're pretty. And I feel like a spark. And they would have like a pretty solid honeymoon phase. They would get engaged and get married. And then they would like start a family. And regardless of how like those feelings evolved

and changed like you couldn't get divorced because you would be shamed for it by like your community and if even if you were even if you had the balls to like not be shamed for it like like women's rights were literally like tied in credit card tied into marriage you know like literally could not get a credit card so it's like yeah leave your husband. So of course you made it work. But now it's just different. We're not required to get married so that you could get a credit card at 17, 18, 19, 20, or even in your early 20s. People aren't getting married or engaged because they've had a solid four-month honeymoon phase. I'm not saying one's better or worse. I'm just saying it's drastically different. And does it really matter when you're on your deathbed and you're lying there? Listen, if you're lucky enough to be like 85,

90 years old and like you're dying of whatever, you know, like body's just given out, you've had a good life and you're just reflecting your life and you're like, I've only like loved one person and it was a special kind of love. And we had a family. That's great. Awesome. But like, if you were like sharing a hospital room with someone who's like, you know, I've been lucky enough to love 15 different people and they were all really nice. And some were like, were more intense than the other. And I had like maybe a couple favorites, but like, wow, what a great life. And I've really, and honestly, I've met my real love, but like wow what a great life and i've really and honestly i met my real love my truest love the one who really made me feel whole like at 57 years old and we had a 20 a good 20 years

like is one better than the other like honestly no i think so long as like you're content with it like well that's what i'm saying it should be up to the like we just got to like start like enjoying life and the journey a little bit more and like we it's just it's just not 1963 anymore i feel like people get so trapped in their heads though i feel like i'm guilty of that too we all do yeah we've all yeah every like i've done this we've all done this i just think listen i understand like no one wants to like listen if you date someone you're 25 and they're like yeah i've told 15 people like i've been in love with you. I have some questions. I get it. I'm not saying like nothing matters. I'm just saying like, if you feel like you care about someone

and you say I love you to someone and then three weeks later, it just doesn't go the way you had planned. Maybe you're surprised or disappointed because their feelings change. If you truly felt love for them, there's no reason to regret it or feel embarrassed or shamed for it.

And I just think also we have to stop judging ourselves. And then once we stop judging ourselves, we should probably stop judging other people for just like, you know, giving it the old college try to find love because like, it's just harder. That's part of the reason I think why people are struggling.

There's a lot of reasons why people are struggling, but we're like, it's, we're just being so hard on ourselves. We are trying to like play the game the same way people played in the past but there's a completely different set of rules and the higher stakes like we make i love yous like the more that's conducive to like not like because i think when you think about i love you like on the commitment spectrum like it feels like a pretty definitive point yeah and the more hesitant we are to like say i love you

to do because this is like this feels like a threat on like how And the more hesitant we are to like, say I love you to do, because this is like, this feels like a threat on like how you talk about how people are like the number of exes you have and like kind of judging for that. It's the same concept. And it's like with both of those things, like this resistance to feel like you have a lot of exes that you said, I love you. A lot of times is like so directly related to this like terrible,

like perpetual situation ship until proven true love that we're like doing right now and people were like oh it's like definitely a red flag if you said eight times again without context if someone's like 17 years old and said it i'm like maybe like re-evaluate you know like and again like you know i'm not saying don't be disappointed if you say like i love you and you really care someone it doesn't work out but like like regret, like, I don't know, like you tell me, maybe some people will reevaluate. Maybe they'll be like, you know what, I don't know if that's what I want love to mean for me in the future. But like, unless you're just saying it to get a reaction, if you felt it, like whatever, like there's no rules on how many people you get to care about in your life or love and how many people you get to connect with. There's not one person that we can fall in love with. I mean, that's the thing.

It's just like, we should feel good. And I said to my friend, if they were to break up with you tomorrow, I think the only way for you to look at this is to just be thankful that you found another person that you knew you could connect with. They weren't your person. Maybe it wasn't perfect. They disappointed you. But like, we're struggling out there with a real great fear of like, there's no one for me. I can't get excited about people. So just start getting excited that you like people,

even though they don't end up being your person. Because the world is full of people you can love. And since we are dating around and we're not settling down in our early 20s and we're on dating apps, we're going to find a lot more people we can connect with. And if we happen to, you know, slip out a little bit of like, I care about you. I love you. I'm really excited.

It doesn't work out. Like, it's not a stain on your resume. I think maybe also part of it is that I think we want love to be like the promised land. the promised land. Like I think you want to like for me at least like I think I want to believe that like love is sort of after being in the trenches of dating like you get to the point where you love the person and there's a certain degree of like safety and shelter and uncomplicatedness there which is not true necessarily like at all because like love evolves and love is usually like implies that there's some more long-term stuff. So you're like navigating all this post honeymoon time. You're navigating these big decisions together.

So it's not like it should all just get easy. But I think sometimes I think of it in that way. I think about love as being this very, oh, you did it, in terms of dating relief, which I think makes it feel scary that something could go wrong when you're in love with someone because you want to feel like it's this big deal to make it all the way there. Well, I think that's a good point. Like love saying I love you or love is not, it's not a guarantee or some sort of like security. I mean, it can be security, but it's also just, it might be a feeling like it's fun to love people and it's fun to be loved. And like all

the exes I've ever had are people I've said I love you like I definitely don't feel the same way about them but like those were valuable moments in my life and I and those moments in which I said it I truly cared about those people and life evolved and things changed have you ever thought about the fact that in terms of love it's something we talk about so much and that is very much like a pretty universal concept but what that we can't think of a formalized definition for it i feel like it's similar to like when nick tells people it's like well what does being a girlfriend or a boyfriend mean to you like it's it's to each their own it's insane to me to think about like all the variants of like the ways people can experience love like i think that's

so interesting like how many and like all of them are valid well most of them are valid like break it down like again like context matters there's definitely ways in which it could be like you know what's going on here what's going on i got some questions but like the people were just like oh definitely like saying i love you eight times the red flag really like caring about someone finding like things to love about people that's your big red flag that's your concern but i also feel like the idea of like the saying i love you and that being like even a step or something scary that's such like a societal thing that I remember even like growing up you know when my sister started dating her now fiance when I was in middle school and I remember they've been dating I don't know how long in high

school and a neighbor you know was like chatting with us in the driveway and talking to you know her about the boyfriend and whatever and she said like oh is it love and I just remember thinking I was like duh like you know I just was assuming you like I'm like anytime you're dating anyone like it's probably like but I didn't realize at that point not until I was older of like oh that is like a whole different step and that might I, it's just so funny because growing up, it's like, well, I just assumed everyone loved everyone. I didn't even realize there was a defining. Yeah, well, and we base so much of what it means based off, again, the TV shows and movies you watch and things like that. I wanted this job so badly.

so badly. And when I was preparing for my final round interview, I made a mock Instagram account and the place I immediately turned to was Canva because they have really nice graphic design software. That's a big reason why you got hired. Thank you. I'm being serious. No, I feel like it was, Canva really makes anything, you start with like your ideas and then it has all these templates, it has all the tools you need to like really execute it and have it look professional even if you are absolutely not. I love all of their backgrounds. Allie uses it for bachelorette like drink lists and invitations. It always looks so classy. It will level up literally anything you need. Allie uses it for her personal life in addition to her job. Of course. Yes. All the moms out there planning your PTA meetings or Christmas parties?

I did an itinerary for my sister's bachelorette. I had a schedule just for the limo driver that I printed out. I did a cocktail list with signature drinks. Looked like you spent a million dollars on invitations. Truly. It genuinely looks so, so, so nice. And with Canva Pro, you get access to all of these amazing drawings and graphics that you can use that will just take your invites to the next level. Then when your friends be like, oh my God, these were so cool.

Be like, yeah, my media team made it for me. Literally. No, and also my friend recently had a birthday and I wanted to buy her this print of an Ariana Grande lyric. And I was like, oh, I just wish it kind of looked like this or I wish it would match with this in her room. And I was like, I will just make it myself. So I made my own print

and then I just like printed it off. And she thought I like bought it on Etsy or something. Design like a pro with Canva Pro. Right now you can get free 45-day extended trial. When you use my code, just go to canva.me slash V-I-A-L-L to get a free 45-day extended trial. I-A-L-L to get a free 45-day extended trial. That's C-A-N-V-A dot M-E slash V-I-A-L-L. Canva dot me slash V-I-A-L-L. You and four teammates can unlock everything what Camera Pro has to offer for just $12.99 a month. Camera Pro has endless premium fonts, photos, videos, and so much more that add personality and edge to whatever it is you are designing. Grammarly. Don't know where commas go? Well, if you're like me, you don't. And Grammarly is here to help. When you're moving fast and juggling more products

than you can count, you don't have time to have breakdowns in communication. Luckily, Grammarly makes professional writing fast and simple. It's all-in-one writing tools that helps you churn out clear, concise communication quicker than ever. So whether it's a mass email, boardroom presentations, or official contracts, you can find the right words to communicate effectively. So for matchmaking, like so much of my job is communicating with clients and people come in pretty skeptical. And I think a big part of winning trust is having communication that is like with that attention to detail. And that's always professional, well-worded, like perfect grammar, etc. And so I really trust Grammarly to make sure to do that like final scan.

And it saves me a lot of time because I will will anxiously reread emails before I would do that. And now that I have Grammarly, I know that everything is coherent, makes sense, there's no typos, et cetera. Go to Grammarly.com slash V-I-A-L-L to sign up for a free account. And when you're ready to upgrade to Grammarly Premium, get 20% off for being our listener. That's 20% off at G-R-A-M-M-A-R-L-Y.com slash V-I-A-L-L. When someone says, I love you, you want to trust that it can last. But listen, the downside is love, again, means different things now. And we are operating in a different

ballgame. It's just a totally different game. And so I only want to say I love you to one person. I only want to gauge and gauge in one person. That's great and all, but it's just not how it is. And I think we just have to readjust our perception and our expectations and take it easy on ourselves and the people we date. And I think if we start doing that, we'll just be a little less stressed out. And I think it'll be a little easier to connect with people. If we stop judging ourselves and people a little bit less, I think it'll be a little easier to connect with people. Like if we stop judging ourselves and people a little bit less, like I think things get a lot easier because we stop disqualifying really great options and quality people for like these, what ultimately are

superficial sphere-based fallacies that are like were created in our head by just society's expectations that ultimately mean nothing. I don't know if that was helpful for anyone who relates to my friend who is in the early stages of relationship and questioning whether they said it too soon or just dating someone who's had four exes and said, I love you.

And they're like, ew, chill out. Have some fun. Have some fun. Have some fun. Anyway, we've got a great show for you. We've got a great week ahead. A Chinga Gutu is with us tomorrow to break down episode five of The Bachelorette. Don't miss that. She's wonderful. And I think you're really going to enjoy her hot take. Send in those questions. It's if you're currently on a Monday morning and you

want to shoot your shot with someone or in the middle of a fight and you need to send a text, email us. We might be able to

help you out this morning. We might have you call in. Rate, review, say something nice about our show on Apple iTunes if you want to, if we've changed your life

in any way. Send in those updates if you want. If you've learned anything, email us at asknickatcastme.com. Obviously, if you have to, if we've changed your life in any way. Send in those updates if you want. If you've learned anything, email us at asknickatcastme.com. Obviously, if you have your questions, all things Ask Nick, email us at asknickatcastme.com. Okay, let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick.

Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good, how are you? Good, what's your name? It's Vanessa and I'm 27 years old How can I help Vanessa? Yeah, so this is a Same story, new day type of deal

Friends with benefits situation Knew right off the bat it was sex only But of course caught feelings at one point And re-evaluated the situation Spoke to him about it You caught feelings or you both caught feelings? I caught feelings at one point and re-evaluated the situation spoke to him about it you caught feelings or you both caught feelings i caught feelings i got an attachment to it and i should have known better but you know and so now like it's been two weeks and thinking about it a little more i'm able to realize like you know this is nothing more than just sex. And I am okay with that.

And debating if I want to reach out again and just have a good time. But some backstory. We've seen each other pretty consistently for the past month and a half. And I actually saw him on my birthday. That was the first time I met him. And we ended up clicking and vibing. And he did tell me in the beginning, like, you know, this is, I'm just looking for another friends with benefits. Just sex right now and all that good stuff. And so we started seeing each other consistently, obviously just for sex.

And I'd see him like in the morning or in the evening time. And he has slept at my place once I slept at his and halfway through, like I did feel myself feeling a little more attached, started to fantasize about him, all that stuff, you know, imagining things and thinking like, oh, what would it be like to be in a relationship with him and everything he is very fine he's tatted up he's a tattoo artist he was a bartender for 10 years and all that good stuff so very visually very attracted to him he's probably like so far the best looking guy i've been with and um he's also the first guy that's ever made me finish for the first time as well too so i was like oh my gosh this is probably a sign but that's also the first guy that's ever made me finish for the first time as well, too. So I was like, oh, my gosh, this is probably a sign. But that's also probably because the past guys I've been with maybe just weren't the best.

So living you learn there. And so halfway through, I was going to want to ask him, like, hey, does he seem potentially going anywhere? And I ended up not bringing that up, though, because we were talking just about, like, sexual fantasies. And he mentioned, like, some of his and i mentioned mine and part of it was potentially including another person whose fantasy was that his or yours his he was bringing up first he was like oh i think it'd be hot if i saw you with like another guy or you told me about it and i was like interesting so i was like are you like a cookhold or something and um he said oh you know like he's thought about it then he was like oh i think it'd be hot if you saw me with someone else.

And I was like, interesting. I would say the best way to describe how I was thinking about it was like kombucha girl. It's like, oh, you know, I thought about it. It'd be hot. And try everything once, right? I'm like, I'm not completely against it. But we were talking about that. I was like, did you have someone in mind?

And he said he does have another friends with benefits. So that's also where I learned that he was sleeping with other people. I mean, I do have options as well, too. But I'm like, you know, I mind and he said he does have another friends with benefits so that's also where and I learned that he was sleeping with other people I mean I do have options as well too but I'm like you know I'm fully satisfied with him so I you know I didn't really think of other options at the moment but so I asked him like oh does he have as much benefits he's like yes he has another person she's divorced and she's 36 years old and we're like oh maybe she could be the option there then i was asking like oh should we all meet first to see if this is like gonna work out or anything and he said you know it's probably best just to have you like come into it but they don't hang out outside the bedroom

nor do him and i hang out outside the bedroom and he just said their relationship was strictly sexual so i was like oh is it the same situation for you and i because i want to make sure i'm clear on that as well and he said yes i was like okay cool so then i just showed them that it's so that happened and then i went on a little vacation i had covid and it came back wait I want to make sure I'm clear on that as well. And he said, yes. I was like, okay, cool. So then I just wrote that it's sex only. So that happened. And then I went on a little vacation. I had COVID and then it came back. Wait, wait, wait.

What do you mean that happened? So you. That conversation happened. Okay. I was on the dating profiles and go back to that conversation about like the fantasies of him, like potentially wanting me to see with another person. He's like, oh, have you looked for anything on the side yet? And I was like, not fully. I was like, I have, but it's just very low effort. And then I did tell him like my I was like not fully um I was like I have but

it's just very low effort and then I did tell him like my old friends with benefits which I actually don't have any emotional like connection with it's literally just sex and I was like I mean he hit me up but I don't like I'd rather see you instead and I didn't see him instead he's like okay and then on the dating app so I saw his profile and um Bumble and Hinge because Bumble was like no expectations just clear communication and you know on Bumble you caninge, because Bumble was like, no expectations, just clear communication. And on Bumble, you can set up what you're looking for in a set relationship. And then on Hinge,

it said he's looking for a long-term relationship and like, oh, don't, if we date, a non-negotiable is monogamy. It's just you and I, whatever. How is it on these profiles? Some guys are vague about their commitment interest and other people. Just straight up say something casual or they'll say like, oh, i'm here for a good time i'm having fun or someone would

just be like oh i'm looking for a plus one somewhere then maybe more so it's very broad but he specifies wanting a relationship yes and um he used to be on tinder not anymore and you know i was gonna say like when we want to find answers we'll become private investigators so i was on tinder i didn't find his profile. I know how far he lives for me. And what was your goal of trying to figure that out? Because I believe Tinder is typically like the hookup app. You're not going to look for a relationship on Tinder. Of course, it's a rare case, but it can happen.

I have a question for you. When you saw his Bumble and Hinge or whatever profile is saying that he is looking for a serious relationship what did you think what did that how did that make you feel so that's that's where it all went a little wild um i was like oh i was like i want to shoot my shot and see and give it a chance and see if he'd be interested in um getting to know me outside the bedroom and that's exactly what i asked him to and i'll lead to that conversation as well. And I was like asking my friend about it too, who listens to your podcast. She actually introduced me to it

because of my going through this whole experience. And she was like, you know, you should ask it this way. Like you should call the shots, not him and ask, like, let him know what you want. So I made sure to be like, I want to get to know you outside of the bedroom. I'm starting to like you. You know, we're seeing each other quite a bit now

and want to see if you're open to that. And how that conversation led up was we mainly talk on Snapchat. So like I sent him a message like, hey, back to the conversation about like my test results. And I said, you know, are you able to chat later? Either on the phone or FaceTime or even in person. And he said on the phone.

And I called him when he was on his way home from work. So we had that conversation and he mentioned, he's like, oh, you know, relationship is not what I'm looking for right now. It's just not really, um, I'm not out here to pursue a relationship. I don't want to. Um, and then I was like, you know, it's okay if you don't want to have a relationship with me, like, it's not going to hurt my feelings. I just need to, like, I want to at least try and, um, like, you know, like I would be interested, but, um, afterwards he's like, oh yeah. And he's like, wait, where are you getting the relationship part from? And I mentioned to him,

well, I'm on dating apps and I saw your profile and I got curious I didn't want to be too specific because I didn't want to sound like a stalker but I was like you know just want to see and give it a try and he's like oh okay well yeah thanks for um sharing that with me I'm glad you didn't keep it in or whatever and I was like yeah okay um I was like that's why I'm asking for the clarity um and so after that I was like you know if you decide to hook up again like I think it's important to have boundaries so if you know no more sleepovers no more goodbye hello kisses and um just no more cuddling after sex and he's like oh yeah you know that's something to think about um you know I don't want to make it seem like I'm just using you for sex or whatever and I was like

no I get it thanks for um letting me know and I also recorded this conversation too because I was like I need to be like revisit remind myself of what happened and not trying to look for um open doors but then i ended up doing that afterwards anyways so after two weeks now thinking about it all i have seen other people and been more actively just talking to other people so i'm not solely focused on him and it's been good it's been fun but i also said you know what why not i mean it was a great time with him like should i reach out That's where I'm at. Framebridge. Framing can be so expensive and tedious and like,

you don't know where to go. And it's just like, eh, framebridge makes it easier and more affordable than ever to frame your favorite things without even leaving your house, add a gallery wall to your home office, your home, wherever you want.

Oh yeah. It makes a great gift too. So I gave it to my sister as a gift and I saw it in person for the first time this past weekend. And I got one of their engagement photos framed with, like, this wooden frame, and I got the floating feature. So it looks like they are, like, floating in this frame. And it is the highest quality, huge frame thing I've ever seen.

And they think I spent, like, so, so much money on it. And I was like, I will never tell. Just go to framebridge.com and upload your photo or they'll send you a package to safely mail in physical pieces if that's your preference. Diplomas, certificates. Yeah, exactly. Preview your item online and dozens of frame styles and gallery wall layouts. Choose your favorite and get free recommendations from their talented team of designers. They're experts at Framebridge. We'll custom frame your item and deliver your finished pieces directly to your door or a loved one's door if you're giving it as a gift. Instead of hundreds you'd pay at a framing store, their prices start at $39 and all shipping is free. Plus, my listeners get 50% off

your first order at framebridge.com when you use my code V-I-A-L-L. Order online at framebridge.com or stop by a Framebridge store if you're in New York, DC, Atlanta, Philly, Boston, or Chicago. Get started today. Frame your photos or send someone the perfect gift. Go to framebridge.com.

Use promo code VIALL to save 50% off your first order. Just go to framebridge.com, promo code VIALL. That is framebridge.com, promo code VIALL. Do you want to know if I think you should reach out

to him again yeah just for once again a good time because it was really good that's why he's the best ex i've had so far i'll leave it at that because i don't want to put him too much on a high pedestal which i have before but yeah well what do you think you should do for me specifically just waiting more until the urge is like i really want to yeah i mean listen i uh you seem pretty well aware of what the situation is like you're like yeah you you're you've recognized your physical attraction of the guy and you've been digmatized as they say by theizes they say sex and obviously that's a draw and you are still single and if you can have some really good sex for a period

of time then you know by all means go for it you just it really comes down to that's I guess my advice to you is you shouldn't really be getting advice from other people about what you should do about this. You know you the best and your ability to handle this. And you just have to be honest with yourself about your emotional attachment to this guy. Because you're sitting here debating, oh, you know, really good sex. All right, I want to like, you made me climax. I have orgasms. I've never experienced that. That's a positive feeling that you're considering wanting to replicate again with

him, right? But as your emotional attachment increases, the cost of the orgasm increases, so to speak. It's no longer, I'm going to get this good feeling only. I'm going to get this good feeling followed by this emotional bad feeling, this loss of feeling rejected and less than and not good enough because what I really want is more from him. So you really have to make that decision for yourself and you just have to try to be honest with yourself and not try to convince yourself, oh, it's not a big deal. Do I think it's the end of the world if you reach out again for some sex? No. But I think if you do do it, you need to be really mindful, especially the days that follow, about just how much emotional energy and time did you invest in thinking about him in the days that followed? So you go, you reach out,

you have some sex, whatever. And then inevitably he's just like, yeah, well, it was good to see you. Bye. We'll see you later. And like the next few days, do you find yourself being sad and down and thinking about him and wishing he would call and wishing this and wishing that? And that's going to take from other aspects of your life. If you find yourself doing that, then you know that like, maybe it's, it's, there's reasons not to reach out again. Right. Because that's a cost to you. That's a cost to your energy and your time and your just emotional investment. And you're better off looking for that same good sex with other people. So the sad truth is like,

you know, the, his hinge and bumble profile, like I'm sure he's, he's not looking for a relationship with you. Yeah. And that's, yeah,

I've, I've definitely accepted that too. And at this point, I'm also someone like, you know, why would I want someone who doesn't want me? And I, everything I fantasize about him is a fantasy.

So I don't know too much about him to really. You really need to be honest with yourself about if you are going to hook up with him, his mind's almost certainly not going to change in terms of how he feels about you. And I'm sure you've heard me say this before. If it does change, it's not going to change by continuing to have sex with him. It's going to change by you removing yourself from his life and seeing how he feels about that. For sure. That is very true. I think in the meantime, the immediate question is, how much good sex can you get from this guy without having it negatively affect you in other aspects of your life? And the more honest with

yourself about the reality of the situation, the better chance you have to keep having this fun, adventurous sex with him, you know, start seeing him for who he is, you know, in your mind, be like, you're just a fuck boy and that's fine.

You know, you're a fuck boy who, you know, wants to have this adventurous sex and this is all great, but like, that is not someone I want to date, you know, like I don't want to date someone who is into all this other stuff. I'll have, I'll fuck them because it's some good sex, but I don't want to date someone who is into all this other stuff. I'll fuck them

because it's some good sex, but I don't want to date them either. So if you're going to keep having sex with them, I think you need to convince yourself that he's not someone and believe it, and that he's not someone that you would want to date. And the only way that could change is he drastically changes his behavior and how he you know treats you but like this is that's not gonna you know you know what i'm saying so like i do i do and it makes sense for sure too it's like basically just not putting him on a pedestal or kind of putting them in a box of like what i would want for relationship just because of that be very honest with yourself and realistic about what you're really reaching out for.

Yeah, exactly. And don't, you know, like, oh, it's just for this. A lot of people tell themselves they just want the sex, but they don't really want the sex. They'll convince themselves that they just want the sex. And that you will negotiate with yourself and you will, you know, these boundaries you set for yourself or these expectations, you will convince yourself they're not. Oh, maybe I was too haste with this boundary or I don't know. I just want the sex. But deep down, that's not how you really feel.

I've honestly found, though, like whenever I've been in a situationship where I knew I was more attached than like was warranted for the situation. I was more attached than like was warranted for the situation. Like I just found the detachment process was kind of slow and monotonous and annoying and involved a lot of like driving by, like knowing that I could go take this exit and go to their house. And like, you know, the times of day that I would usually hit them up, like all of that, like there was a lot of telling myself no. And so I think it's just worth considering, like, I feel like each time you see them, you kind of have to start over again.

And so it's like, how many no's do you have within you? And just kind of like knowing yourself in that regard. Yeah. True. Yeah. Agreed. And I do be doing that. We all do.

It's so normal. Lives in the head rent free. As far as these fantasies that he has, well, my advice to you is if you want to do it, do it because you're equally as interested in this. Don't do it for him. 1000%. Yeah. That's a good reminder. Don't be willing to try it to meet his sexual fantasies. Do it because you're like, oh, I want to try that. That would be cool. I trust him. If I'm going to do something kind of adventurous and non-traditional, I think he's a safe person to do it with, et cetera, et cetera. And all things aside,

when I'm around him, he might be a fuck boy, but he's nice and respectful to me when I'm around him and I feel safe and I want to try this with him. Then fine, go ahead. But don't do it to get his approval or to think that you're going to be sexual enough for him to want to date you. Yep. Okay. Best of luck. Cool. Thank you.

All right. Take care. You too. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. How about you?

Good. What's your name? I'm Sydney and I'm 23. How can I help Sydney? I'm Sydney and I'm 23. How can I help Sydney? Um, so I think my email title summed it up pretty well of,

do I confess that I love my guy friend who I used to date? You used to date him. Then you became friends and now you're back in love. Well, yeah, but it might be one sided. Um, I, yeah,

I like met this guy on a dating app um last year okay and headed off dated for a few months um but at the time it was kind of chaotic in my life because i was it was right around the time that i was graduating college and like in that time span that we were dating it was only a few months but um had started a new job moved to a new place and like was super disorganized in general um and I think I kind of pushed him away because of that because he I couldn't really get in touch with my feelings um and then just like everything else going on in my life so then it ended and then we didn't talk for a while but then um like beginning of this year we kind of like reconnected and we've like stated that we were friends um or it's kind of been established as that you guys ever hook up not

no not while we're in this friend phase right now. No, but before the French phase. Yeah. Yeah. And, but it's like all these hangouts that we're doing are like very dainty, I think, which is where it's kind of been confusing me lately. Do you guys in this, in this friend, how long has this friend phase been going on when you, after you reconnected? So it started out, it would be like kind of random like like hanging out maybe like every couple of weeks it was kind of him like he reached out at first after we hadn't talked for a couple months and we like grabbed coffee and then I like wouldn't hear from him for like

I don't know a month and a half and then he just kind of randomly pop in again and then I finally was just like I'm just confused about why you're dropping in like this so I like facetimed him and I was just like I did want to be friends but like I also see my friends more often or like I keep in better touch at this point like it's kind of like a we're more acquaintances I don't know I was just kind of like what's I'm confused by this right now. And I asked him that. Um, and then he was just like, no, yeah, I do want to be friends. And then after that conversation, it's been like at least once a week since like,

Oh God, probably like March or something, February or March. Who was reaching out to whom on? Um, I would say he asked to hang out and we'll actually like reach out that way i'll i'll like text him and like i don't know send him random things are you talking about your dating life with him or vice versa yeah yeah we've started talking about that too so he's talking about women he's been dating yeah yeah okay but that was after i kind of brought it up one time. Like I started talking about my dating life.

And then I think it opened it up for me. What made you do that? Well, I was like, I had been, I kind of had a like funny dating experience. Yeah, but what made you tell him? I asked that because I've had a couple friendships with women that started by me meeting them on a dating app or meeting them in a romantic context. And we dated briefly, hooked up, whatever. And then it just, for whatever reason, didn't work out. And similar to you, there was this gap.

After the dating situation didn't work out, there's this like natural, like awkward, let's stop hanging out. And then for different reasons, like reconnected, right? We ran into each other or whatever. And there was like this kind of like, you know what? Like we didn't work out, but like, you're cool. And I'm cool. Part of it was like, I recently just moved to LA, you know? So I didn't really know a ton of people.

And so I was like just down to make friends. And she was just like, Hey, like, I really think you're cool. And you know, if you still want to hang out, like let's just be friends. And I was like, cool. And so at that point, I really wanted to make sure that we were friends and I wanted to like define those kinds of lines. So I, I would deliberately like bring up, you know, talking about dating because I wanted to like establish the friendship I wanted. You know, if this is, if this woman's going to be my friend, I wanted you know if this is if this woman's going to be my friend I want her to know that I can talk to her like a friend and I talk

to my friends about people I'm dating you know I'll ask them questions like my other women friends I'd be like oh what's your what's your advice for like a situation you know what's your womanly advice or whatever like at what point did you start developing like feelings again no that's okay nick this is my issue is i'm well a i'm horrible at reading signs from guys in general and i'm i'm very like i just kind of default to friend zoning guys and i can fall into that very easily. And I like feel like I know how to do it pretty well. So I can like I had leftover feelings for him the whole time. But I kind of like defaulted into like, OK, I know how to be friends with him, though, so it'll be fine and dandy. And so then like I started talking about my dating life.

And then I think that also opened the door for him to start talking about it with me too. And he made some comment of like, you probably wouldn't be telling a guy that you were interested in dating about your dating life. He literally said that to me. And he was like, about how you were telling me about that. He was almost like confirming that you weren't interested in him romantically because you brought up another guy. interested in him romantically because you brought up another guy that's well he kind of said it like that but it I don't know how to describe it it wasn't like if we weren't actually like talking about I don't know I don't know how to describe it I mean at the end of the day we don't we don't have to we're not going to figure out with any certainty like how he feels about you. Yeah. So we just have to decide what you're willing to do about how you feel about him. Yeah.

What are you willing to do? I mean, you're not like, this is not your ride or die friend. You're not your bestie. You know, you've been hanging out as friends with a guy that you have more than friends feelings with for a couple of months and it's entirely possible from what you're telling me that he because he's just confused he's just as confused about how you feel about him as you are about him so like you know you just have to ask yourself like how do you want to shoot your shot is the question because it's not a matter of if you should shoot your shot because you should i mean like yourself like how do you want to shoot your shot is the question because it's not a matter of if you should shoot your shot because you should i mean you like them

so how do you want to shoot your shot got a couple options you could like hang out with them wait for the right moment and like make a move like i don't know like is it that crazy for for women in 2022 to like just grab them and kiss them kind of two things um and then I'm also kind of torn on if I should I don't know if the question is if I should go for it because another time when we were talking about when we had dated he expressed that like at that time the reason why he ended it ultimately was because he didn't think we were compatible he said that yeah but then he said it in like but he was like at that I don't know it was it was at that time I'm not like totally trying to piece apart his words here's

the thing it does that doesn't really I mean that doesn't really matter, I guess. To your point, he might have said that, but whether it's you convincing yourself or not, you're not sold that there isn't something there. You don't know. know is that you like him. So you just have to be willing to face the possibility of rejection. I mean, I hope you weren't calling up to be like, Nick's going to tell me, he's going to give me a guarantee or not. I don't know what he's going to say. And you've told the story, and even by your own acknowledgement, it's like, as you tell it, you're like, I it could go both ways and also some of his hesitation like might be around the fact that like you've by your own admission have been a little unpredictable with your own feelings you know like you've been kind of wishy-washy about him for various reasons

you know whether that was him or your own personal life doesn't really matter so i think if you like him and you shoot your shot you just have to kind of go for it and so like i said you could do the whole like spotting spontaneity where you just kind of make out with him break the ice and see like, he just latches onto that passionate moment. And then you guys like make out for a while, have some fun and then like have an adult conversation afterwards. Or you could say something like,

next time you hang out, just be like, can I just be honest? Like I've really, really enjoyed like what we've been doing. Like, I know it's like, I know we kind of started dating and then I got weird or whatever, but like, all I know is like, I really have enjoyed hanging out with you and getting to know you. And the more I spend time with you, the more I want to spend more

time with you. And I don't think of you as, as just a friend. And, uh, how do you feel about that? You know, some version of that. And then as is with most cases, I think with guys too, anticipate an answer that isn't an immediate, like, oh my God, I love you too. Let's date. And again, based on what you're telling me, it sounds like he would have the right to be hesitant about your feelings. Be like, weren't you kind of wishy-washy? It seemed like you friend-zoned me. Like what's changed?

I don't know. Like women can be fuckboys too. And men are like aware of that. You know what I'm saying? Like I just had a whole conversation with a guy last night about a woman he is excited about in dating. And he like was in town to see her and didn't see her. And like all weekend long, she was just like, yeah, like I might be available tomorrow her and didn't see her and like all weekend long she was just like yeah

like i might be available tomorrow like we'll see and then like tomorrow would like show up and then like she just kept flaking on the guy you know like and he was all like crushed and sad and confused and if you took out his gender and like you know like robotic voice and you heard him tell the story you would assume that this is a woman talking about some fuck boy guy. So like, all I'm saying is you just, if you shoot your shot, be okay with the fact that he might be hesitant as well. And then you might have to convince him that you like really like him, you know? Yeah. That's the thing.

Well, that's the thing is like, I feel like I used to be that way and I don't think I am. I think I've like, I'm, you know, have figured my shit out now and I'm a lot more emotionally stable. Um,

and I feel like I'm able to, I don't know. I'm more of like, more of my like reason for calling is if it if it's worth it or if it's or if it's more of like a lost cause like move on like don't look for the clarification or it's totally worth it why wouldn't it be worth it what's the downside I do I do like I value him as a person in my life for like. Yeah. That my, my guess is like, you, you don't know him that well. You haven't known him long enough. This is not like some, again,

like some like friend that you really need the value that you find in his life. My guess is like the, is the potential that you see in him as a romantic partner. No, I would disagree with that. All right. I like, I think he's like, I don't know. What's the value that he is a lot a different perspective on like life than a lot of people in my life um and that's kind of like a vague over um what's it called

oversimplification of it but he's like a very different person in my life and like offers a different perspective which I value on the like friend level too and I it's like half of me wishes that we had just met as friends because I can keep someone if they start in that friend category I can keep them in it but I've had these like underlying feelings for him this entire time and it's more of like my expression of it that's been wavering to him, but it's not actually fuck boy-esque in like how I feel about it. And that's kind of like the challenge right now, if that makes sense. I think you're just overthinking this whole situation. Yeah, I do do that. And that's okay.

That's normal. okay. That's normal. But in my personal opinion, and this is just my personal opinion, that finding people we really like and connect with romantically is hard to find. And clearly, minus him being a nice friend and offering different perspectives in life. And if you had met him just as a friend, you could be friends with him. I get all that. But you clearly have an interest in him romantically. And there is definitely something there for you. We don't know what it's going to be or what it could be or if it's going to be anything at all. But even that just initial spark or interest

is hard enough to find. So I personally think it's worth the risk of you shooting your shot. If you're really meant to be friends, then you guys will work through him having to reject you again. But more realistically, you'll find other people who can broaden your horizons and offer different ideas. You mentioned offline the city you live in, and that can be a very limited and ideas sometimes. And you're young, and so you can always move too.

Moving is a great way to meet new people and new ideas and fresh ideas. And maybe this guy, if he doesn't end up being your boyfriend and the friendship kind of fizzles out, is could just simply, he can serve as a reminder to you that those fresh ideas and different perspectives is something that you know you want and need in your life. And now that's something you can add to your list of qualities you're looking for in a partner

that maybe didn't exist for you at 20 or 21 years old. And that list was different. That list was, who the fuck knows? But that's the whole idea of dating and living and experiencing people. And your qualities that you're looking for a partner evolves and changes and experiencing people and, and, and your kind of qualities that you're looking for a partner evolves and changes and you pay attention to that. But as far as this particular guy goes, I, based on what you're telling me, if I'm you, I'd shoot my shot. And I wouldn't overthink all these scenarios because you're, you're, you overthinking is you trying to protect yourself and hedge your bet over like trying to figure out whether he's going to like me or not. And every time you tell yourself, well, I mean, I really value him

as a friend and maybe that's all I need is my guess is, is your ego's fear that he's not going to like you the way you like him. And the parts of you that make you want to shoot your shot is the hope that he does feel that way. So you just have to ask yourself, do you have the guts to find out? What do you think is the best way to do it then? I don't know. I think there's two options. Passionately making out and then maybe talking about it after. You know his personality. What do you think? Like when you are, you guys are hanging out,

like, are you like Netflixing and chilling? Is he coming over and just like watching movies? Are you guys going on walks? Are you having dinner like what what's going on yeah it's like um it's like like i don't know just grabbing coffee or doing like a random like or going to dinner or just like going on a walk and just like talking for like hours and hours not a lot of netflix and chilling like that kind of context i mean it feels it feels it feels like a business proposal i think in like the way that I'm, you don't have to rush to do this. So like you could feel it out. You know what I'm saying?

You could like hang out, go like on a walk. If you find like a moment where you just like want to stop, I'm going to walk, throw them up against a tree and lay one on them and see what happens. You know? I mean like the worst that could happen is like an awkward moment. It makes for a good memory. Yeah, you're right. That's a good story.

Go have a glass of wine, loosen each other up. And I mean, I'm not saying you should do that, but it's an option. Or the other option is to just, you know, on a walk or one of these dinners, you just lay it out there. You just emphasize the time you've spent with one another and how that's made you feel. And you say something like, you know, I feel like I've played a role and I've been hard to read and I've even kind of be confused. But what I do know is that I've really just enjoyed my time with you. And every time I hang out with you, I'm excited to hang out with you again. And I look forward to hanging out with you. And I don't know if you feel the same way about me, but I know that's hard to find. And I feel like I owe it to myself to want to explore that with you.

Just make a convincing argument. Yeah. Yeah, no, that's fair. And expect some hesitation. I only say that because you don't want to feel rejected if he's like, well, you know, I don't know. We do have a good, you know, I don't want to ruin this friendship that we have. Yeah.

And you're just like, well, friendship sure feels like a lot like I want to have with someone I want to date. I want to, I'd love to build off this friendship. And then you say something like real kind of like sassy and kind of like confident. You'd be like, you're, you know, if you don't date me, I can promise you, your next girlfriend's not going to want us to be friends. That's what I've been thinking too. Yeah. That's, that's like half of it of like, if you were.

So if you shoot your shot and he gives you that line about like, well, I don't want to ruin our friendship. Say that. Like, I promise you, you're, you're, if you, if it it's not with me your next girlfriend's not going to want us to be friends so like we're just going to be friends until you find someone else and that's fine and then you just act super chill and mature about it and like you don't like freak out i think if you shoot your shot you say it with confidence and you say it with conviction and you don't like wish wash you don't like you're not like well i kind of like you and what do you think and And I don't know. You're just like, nah, I really fucking enjoy spending time with you. This is great. This shit's hard to find and I want to build off of it. And if he doesn't like

respond in kind, you just, you know, you give him the, I'm sorry you feel that way, but like, it doesn't change how I feel. And yeah, we can still be friends. I'm a mature person. Great. If you're not going to be weird, I won't be weird. But just so you know, your next girlfriend won't want us to be friends. So this friendship has a shelf life. So if you're worried about ruining a friendship, I wouldn't worry too much about it. So think on it. Let me know if your mind changes. And I think if you do it with that type of confidence and conviction about how you feel about him, A, he'll find it attractive. and B, it'll make him more confident that you're sure of yourself about how he feels about him. why he's ended things before and i've like started that conversation before i'm the one that reached out of like i do want to be friends but like i'm confused about where this is at now and like kind of encouraging the friends and then if i'm like starting if i'm going in this direction i just

feel like i'm like throwing shit at him like left and right maybe so but i think you just kind of have to throw that all away in the past it doesn doesn't sound like, unless you're not telling me, I think it just sounds like a typical kind of awkward dating situation that's, I think, probably more relatable than you realize. Again, like when we meet people in these apps, there's so much unknown and confusion that we have. And everyone's just like, I don't know, is this the person I should give all my other options up for?

And then everyone kind of hesitates in going into things. And then like, you know, you have shit going on with your life and they have shit. And like, we're really good at kind of sabotaging potentially good things. And this situation sounds like it has a lot of good potential to it. And it sounds like both of you have played a role in maybe like, you know, sabotaging that potential. And maybe he doesn't like you. I don't fucking know.

But I do think that if you can just get out of your head and when you shoot your shot, you own that. You own that part that you feel like has been hard for him to read or in your head too much and overthinking and you take ownership of that and you say, I love spending time with you and I look forward to seeing you more and more every time we hang out. And I want to build off of that and that's hard enough to find and let's give it a real shot and give them a week to think about it. And then again, if you don't get the answer you want, I wouldn't immediately say, oh, we can be friends instead. I would say, I would give them the, well, I'm going to have to think about it myself too. Like, hey, listen, just own it. I shot my shot. It's okay. I'm not mad. Thank you for being honest. But like,

I need to take some time to just like, make sure I can be friends with you because I do like you. So like, you want to go hard to the paint with your conviction. You don't want to be easily swayed. You can come back in three weeks and a month again and say, and reach out and say, how are you doing? And then once things have cooled off, you can like rebuild this like casual friendship that you guys built again. Like that, it wasn't that hard the first time. It won't be hard the second time, but like you can give it some time to breathe

after you got rejected. Also more importantly, like showing that like he can't have you in this capacity might make him realize that he needs to make you a priority and take a risk and see if there's something there to build off this thing knowing that both of you could like end it at any point you know yeah yeah no well i was literally that i mean that's probably i think i'm just avoiding shooting my shot you're right because i was literally thinking about just like like there

was one time where i was like kind of overwhelmed by my crush with him and i was just like like there was one time where i was like kind of overwhelmed by my crush with him and i was just gonna like next time you reached out just be like i need a minute because i got feelings for you again so like don't talk to me but not even throwing it out there to like is this a potential i think i'm just assuming that i'll get rejected but like i think you want to be a little pragmatic and and like kind of make it sound like you've really thought this through. It's not some hasty rash decision that's born out of boredom and loneliness. It is no. I've really been thinking about our time we spend together.

And I think about how I feel when that ends. And I think about how I feel when I know we're about to hang out again. I'm just not good at articulating myself, but I'll have to re-listen to it. Just say that. Yeah. Get my script ready. Yeah. Listen, you just have to try to check your ego and face the possibility of rejection, knowing it won't kill you and knowing that you're not really risking any friendship. And knowing that you're not really risking any friendship. Yeah. You're risking like short-term comfort of this friendship you have, like, you know, this kind of season of having this kind of casual guy friend that you like hang out with on a weekly basis that like, you know, fills the role of what you would do with a boyfriend like dinners and walks and things like that but like since you're not you don't have a boyfriend you can do with him you know like yes you would be sacrificing that in the short term and like he's not gonna be a dick

about it he'll if he doesn't want to date you he'll give you the old like oh we're just friends and i don't know and blah blah blah and you'll you'll survive it yeah no you're right you're right okay you're right do you think you could do it in person i mean you always text it. Yeah, no, you're right. You're right. Okay. You're right. Do you think you could do it in person? I mean, you always text it. I don't love it over text, but. No, no, I wouldn't.

I wouldn't do it over text, but I just get nervous and then like choke on my words in person. I think if you focus on the, I think you almost start it with like, you're walking, visualize it, you know, on the board boardwalk next to the river. And you say it, I love spending time with you. Can you say that to him?

And then he'll probably say, I like spending time with you too. And then you say, I want to try to explore something more with you. And I'm sorry that I've been confusing and I'm sorry that I've been a little wishy-washy. Or you can give him me like, I don't even want an answer right now. I just wanted to tell you how I feel about you. So think about it and get back to me. I promise you, if you shoot your shot, you won't regret it. I can't promise you you're going to get the answer you want. And I can't promise you if you don't get the answer you want, you won't be sad and disappointed. But time will go on and you will just be glad that

you got the answer. Because now that you feel the way you do about him, what's going to happen is you're going to start enjoying the time with him even less. Yeah, you'll like it and you'll be fun, but there'll always be that part of you that wants to say how you really feel. And then you won't even be seeing him through a clear lens, but the part of him that you can't have will ignore maybe things he does that you should pay attention to that you wouldn't otherwise like, you know, like when we want someone we can't have, we'll ignore like red flags and things like that. We will like lose clarity.

So you just got to get out of your head, shoot your shot and see what happens and focus on how spending time with him over these past few months has made you feel. Will do. All right. We'll think on it. Well,

let us know what you ended up deciding. Yeah, I will. I will. All right. Take care. All right. You too.

All right. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. I'm Laura and I'm 21. Hi, Laura. How can we help?

So, um, I've been with this guy for the past three years. He's my boyfriend. We have a really good relationship. He's like my best friend. He treats me like a queen. But for the past year and a half, I believe, he's been in this investment banking job. He has no time for me during the week which is pretty okay because we spend weekends together and we usually FaceTime but I'm like during FaceTime he's not really present and he's like kind of stressed about work but now I'm going for an internship so I'm going to live in Italy for the next six months and he's not coming with me so we'll be like in different countries and I'm kind of worried about the situation because we've done long distance before in like our first six months um but we were in the same country so we were like just a plane right away I was in Colorado he was in Philly um so we would see each other like once or twice a month but now

we're gonna be like six months without seeing each other. And with this job situation, I don't know what it's going to be like. He won't be able to visit at all? I don't know. I like him really much. What? He won't be able to visit? I don't think so. Because it's his first year in the job.

So he doesn't have any vacation time. So it's like six months without seeing each other so what's your question so i don't know what should i do i feel like i should insist on the relationship because we're not in a bad place so i'm thinking about like going with him but not um i don't know i'm just scared that it's gonna you know wear out the relationship if I insist too much on it and it's not going to work out. But you guys are together now, yeah? I mean, you're a boyfriend and girlfriend. Yeah. We're together now. When you say you insist on a relationship, you insist that you stay together, are you guys considering taking a break while you're gone for six months?

I mean, I considered it. He is really set in stone that it's going to work out and that we're going to find a way. But on my side... The part of you that wanted to consider it, what was the reason for you wanting to consider it? I feel like it's really going to be hard for me being single, honestly. And I really, really like him

and we get along really well. So I don't think, I don't think it's worth it, you know, cause I don't know what it's going to be like there. So I feel like it's better if I just, um, try out there and if it doesn't work out, I take a break, but I feel like that's not something he's willing to do. Like he's already said things in the sense of like, if we take a break, I think it's going to be be like final i wouldn't get back to you after that so i get really worried about that too so i guess i i didn't feel like you answered the question though like the party that wanted to take that considered taking a break but then you said i'm afraid of being single what i mean that that sounds like that's that's a reason not to take a break because you want to still have...

Oh, right. You were asking about... What part of you is curious about saying, Hey, listen, we're going to not see each other for six months. We're young. Maybe... That was my train of thought. I'm only 21. He's my first boyfriend. I'm his first girlfriend. So I didn't have a lot of time to be single and stuff. So I feel like if that was a time to be single and to enjoy life, that would be it, you know, because I really see us getting like in a long term relationship and getting married in the future and stuff. So this would be my like single card to just like take a

break. And it would make sense because I would be abroad and I would be able to have some time alone, which I desired for some time in certain points of the relationship. But also, I get torn apart. I feel bad for him also because he loves me so much and I do love him. But sometimes I do feel like some time alone would because he loves me. He loves me so much and I do love him. But sometimes I do feel like some time alone would be good to me, right? Especially in this situation that probably it's going to be really hard for us. Well, you're going to certainly get time alone regardless. Yeah. Right. This is a tough one, right? I don't think there's a right or wrong answer.

And I don't know if that's what you wanted to hear. The older me, who's had a handful of relationships and been in love and been certain I was going to marry people I didn't end up marrying, et cetera, et cetera. And the big brother in me, so to speak, would say, yeah, this is the time of your life to be selfish. And you've only dated this guy. And there's so much, he might be a great guy, you might have a lot of love there, but part of this period in your life is to to take a break and yeah you might hurt his feelings but the rationale between going over in europe and even if you like dated someone hooked up with them he'd be hurt but it's a good chance he'd eventually find a way to get over it

right yeah there's that argument biggest fear yeah um if he told me that for sure he would take me back like when i got back i would probably take this break because i feel like nothing's guaranteed and no one really i know and he and the truth is he doesn't know how he's going to feel right like someone might say oh you know what let's take a break and try to be supportive and then you go like hook up another guy and like they can't handle it and they thought they could or vice versa i i'll never forgive you i'll never take you back you know i if you know they they say that out of fear because they don't want you to break up with them. So they say all the things to scare you from leaving the relationship. And at the end of the day, you come

back and you're just like, hey, I'm sorry if I was selfish. Like you say, I was selfish, but I needed to do this for myself he's about your age he's three years older than me okay yeah it's interesting because i think like that age gap um has like every every relationship has its challenges right right you know age gaps and things like that and this particular age gap three years you can make an argument that that has its challenges because while it's not that far apart, every year of early adulthood is significant, right? You like 18 and 19, you mature a ton. 19 to 20, you mature a ton. 20 to 21. And everyone's different. You have mature people in their early late teens and early 20s. You have very immature

people in their 30s and 40s. So not everyone's the same. The fact that he is three years older than you, he might be able to live certain things and feel a certain way, but lack the maturity to realize that your path might be different than what his was. Right. And I lived less than him, like less things. He already went to this exchange program. He spent one year abroad and he was single. So he went to Spring Break in Cancun and stuff. So yeah, it's things you haven't been able to do that part of you kind of wants to do. Your options are not break up with them and say, all right, well, I'm going to go do this thing

and I guess let's just see how it goes. But there's no point in either of you trying to apply too much pressure on each other. You don't, you don't know what it's like to live abroad and know that you're not going to be able to see someone for six months. Right. You don't know how it's going to be. So you could say, all right, well, let's, let's try to keep going. And, and then you have to appreciate what it's like to miss him. The only thing you really can't do is fuck another guy or emotionally cheat by going on dates with some other guy. But you can have friends. You can have groups of friends

and they can include guys and you can go to concerts and parties. You can still be adventurous. And the only question is, are you dating someone? Is he mature enough and secure enough in himself that he can trust you to have friends and know that you're not going to cheat. Right. Right. Yeah. I think partly. He's not super jealous. I have a lot of guy friends and he's always kind of jealous of them, but it's not in a toxic way. Yeah. Listen, you got to check in. It's one thing to say you trust your partner, Listen, I got to check in. It's one thing to say you trust your partner, but like you still have to check in because like, you know, sometimes like, you know, like I've always been considered a flirtatious person. Most women I've dated are flirtatious people and I trust the people I date,

but like sometimes flirtatious people can be flirtatious and they don't think they're doing anything wrong, but their partners, if they were watching might be like, I don't know, you seemed a little friendly and not that you were doing anything wrong, but their partners, if they were watching, might be like, I don't know, you seemed a little friendly and not that you were doing anything wrong, but like, and sometimes you just have to check your partner and be like, I don't know what's up with that person that you like, you know, that doesn't, that doesn't mean you're jealous. Like it just means you're checking in and asking questions and like you notice some slight changes. I think that's okay and healthy. If it's obsessive and if it's constant, if it's in every situation, then that's toxic and not healthy.

But like every once in a while, it's okay to be like in a non-accusatory way, just be like, hey, like I, you know, just checking in, like what that made me slightly uncomfortable. Just can we talk through it and see how they respond? I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It means they care about you, right?

Yeah. It's not a big deal. Yeah. Well, the fact that you know that he would take you back, that you would prefer to be single, I think that is something for you to consider. I just feel like it's going to be so different from what I expect because I've been dating him for three years.

If you made me make a decision right now on what I think you should do, I would not break up with him before you go and i would i would have a conversation with him about you know i really love you i want to make the most of this situation and i don't i don't know what this is going to be like i don't know yes how about i just go and let's just see how this goes and and and you can always break up with them while you're there it would be a lot easier honestly like from distance but like the truth is you might go and and and it might make you miss him more and it might make you realize that you have some you know and like you don't really know how you're gonna feel so i think as long as you're honest

that like changes are coming you might move miss him and he can be like, I don't know. He could fall out of love with you while you're in Italy. He can meet some girl he becomes friends with and you're gone and you don't really know. You're both taking a risk here and neither of you really know how it's going to affect the relationship or your yourselves as individuals so i think as long as you're realistic about that yes i think that's good um just wait to see what it's going to be like and then i think um it is really important to have this conversation before like i don't know what it's going to be um if i feel like i need space i need you to to be able to give me that space, right? But I do think it's not a good idea to rush things and break up now because I don't really know.

It's what you said. Like maybe when I get there, I just miss him more and there's no guys that I'm interested in there. So yeah, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It might be hard for him to hear, but the reality is for you two to end up together forever, if he's your forever person, it is going to require a lot of maturity on the part of both of you to recognize that you both have some growing up as individuals to do on your own. And you both have to be mature enough and secure enough with yourselves to give each other that space at the risk of the relationship potentially not working out. And it's really hard to do.

That will have to happen for you guys to survive and make it work. Yes. I don't know anything about you, but I do know that you're someone who's willing to take a job across the world for a six-month internship. And that means that you are adventurous and have some personal goals. And it's nothing wrong with anyone listening who has a life dream to graduate from high school, go to college, get married, have babies and settle down and live in the same town that they grew up in. That's totally fine. But I don't think that's you. And I don't sound like that's him either. And for two people who have goals outside of just doing what I just

described, it's going to require a lot of selflessness on the part of one another and recognition that they have to allow their partner to have some selfish moments of their own and be supportive, even though that can be really scary knowing that they could lose that person, but they just want the best for that person. And hopefully when it all is said and done, you still love each other after you've been able to live some life for yourselves. I agree a hundred percent. So I think, yeah. So yeah, just have a mature conversation before you go about the unknowns and then go give it a month, see how you feel and then reassess in a month. Yes, I will. Okay. Let us know. Okay. Okay. I will. I i will i'll come back and

congratulations on the internship that's very cool thank you good for you for uh taking that uh what must be a little scary but very exciting challenging your life yes it is thank you so much for the advice all right i'll come back with updates all right bye thank you thanks for listening guys again don't forget watching a good two tomorrow for the bachelor recap see you tomorrow you're crazy