The Viall Files - E460 Ask Nick - Will My Arrest Record Scare Him?

Episode Date: August 15, 2022

We are back with another episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re here again to bring on our callers and give them advice to answer their questions and navigate their relationships. On this episode we bring on our first caller who wonders how to come clean to a guy she’s seeing about criminal charges she is facing. With the crimes committed when she was an addict, her now being clean, and the guy she’s seeing also in recovery,  she wonders if they can build a connection by being honest about the skeletons in their closets. Our next caller is dealing with a situation in which her ex-boyfriend wants to stop by her place to pick up some things he left behind. Wondering how to shut down her ex’s power play, she wonders if enlisting the help of a guy friend can help this ex from trying anything. Our last caller wonders how to introduce her boyfriend to her family when she’s previously set strict barriers with her parents because of their behavior. Now she wonders how to make the introduction natural and if sometimes things are only a big deal if you make them a big deal. “Give people the opportunity to fail.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article: Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit http://www.article.com/VIALL and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. Rothy’s: Step up your shoes and accessories, get $20 off your first purchase at http://www.rothys.com/VIALL. Liquid IV: Grab your Liquid I.V. in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 15% off when you go to http://www.LiquidIV.com and use code VIALL at checkout. Everlywell: Everlywell is offering a special discount of twenty percent off an at-home lab test at http://www.everlywell.com/viall. Wondery: Listen to EVEN THE RICH on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free by joining Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts or the Wondery app. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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That's A-R-T-I-C-L-E dot com slash V-I-A-L-L for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. You're crazy. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of The Vile Files. Ask Nick Edition. How's everyone doing? Good. You know, it was very, like, I don't know what the feeling was, but you posted the clip of you and Ben,

that, like, promo clip for the cooking show that you did. And Ben was like, oh, his podcast is so successful. And you're just casually over in the corner, like, washing your hands. You're like, we had six million listeners last month. And I was like, holy shit. They asked. No, I know. No, I know.

You don't go around just, like, citing your stats. I didn't even realize that. Yeah, we have a thriving show. Thanks for being here, everyone. Thanks for being here. We have a wild episode for you today. They're all good. Very relatable things.

Yeah. What's new with you ladies? It's a chaotic month for me. I have my birthday. I have... Happy birthday. What? Happy birthday.

Thank you. It's a wild... Yeah. Last year on my birthday, I didn't tell anyone because I had no friends. So I didn't do anything. And then Amanda like whipped something together because I just like refused to. I'm like that. I don't like celebrating myself.

But it's a big transition, I feel like. Because this year I actually feel like I have people to invite. So I'm very excited. What are you doing for your birthday? We're going to the beach. Barbie beach. Barbie beach. Barbie themed. Oh my.

What? Oh my. So we're all going to wear like... I'll be with you in spirit. I know. I invited Nick and he was like... Did you? Probably not. I did. I literally was like, would you come to my birthday? It's at the beach. And you were like, probably not. But if you did a dinner, maybe. Did to my birthday? It's at the beach. And you were like, probably not. But if you did a dinner, maybe. Did I say that?

In fairness. That's an honest answer. Yeah. I mean, Natalie went to the beach for someone else's birthday and didn't invite me because she just knew. You seem like maybe you're a little bit curmudgeonly on the beach. Depends on the beach. Like, I like water. I like water sports.

But there's something about going picnicking on the beach of like say what beach are you going to venice santa monica yeah i don't know it's like you don't really swim in the ocean that ocean i don't know i've become more particular with my beach beaches i guess i don't know and you are a lake guy at the end of the day i'm a lake guy for sure way more lake guy i do love a fresh like a pond end of the day. I'm a lake guy, for sure. Way more lake guy. I do love a fresh pond situation. You give me a pond with a dock, I will be happy for a summer. How many people are expecting at the birthday party? 20.

At the dinner, too. There's a dinner? Yeah. Do you want to come get cheap tacos and margs? I didn't know if that would be your vibe either. Maybe. The restaurant shares your last name. And I was like like is she just

people got very confused we're going to this restaurant it's called Casa Martin I was like Casa Martin? yeah everyone thought it was at your house

yeah and they're like when did you move to Santa Monica I'm like it's not my house also I'm like it is in Santa Monica

yeah and I was like what a terrible on a Friday night white girl would I be to be like come to Casa Martin yeah why would I ever write that white girl would I be to be like come to Casa Martin yeah why would I ever

write that on an invite it used to be okay I do think it's a good it really tells me who I like it's a great friend check in when a birthday

rolls around like seeing my level of like enthusiasm and or willingness to participate is a great barometer for like how much I care about someone

yeah because like with Ali it was like, no questions asked. Way to make all your friends self-conscious going forward. But it's not like, it's never like my good friends who I have qualms about. It's more like people who are more loose acquaintances where it's like, oh, we met recently.

Do I want to go to Venice? The answer is usually no. Allie, no questions asked. Of course I'm in Santa Monica. I tried to be really good. Every time I would send the invite to someone, I'd say, oh, you also know such and such who's coming so you can carpool. But the best part was I soft launched the invite with Amanda as like to get feedback.

And I thought the theme was very clear. There was a cutout of Barbie on the invitation. I was like, oh, I want to send this to you because I was trying to keep the theme a secret. But I want your feedback. And I sent it to Amanda. And she goes, ooh, surfer girl. Because it was cartoon Barbie. It wasn't like a dolly Barbie. So then we had to make some tweaks. I said, I live under a rock alley.

We had to make some tweaks. It tracks that Amanda isn't like up to speed with her Barbie. Yeah. So we had to change the heading and make it more clear. And to be clear, I didn't get an invite, right? No, I invited you verbally. Yeah, but not formally.

Correct. Okay. Would you like an invite? I mean, maybe we'll come to the dinner. Do you want to deal with 20 of us sitting around

drinking margaritas? I feel like that's your worst nightmare. But it's not about me. It's, you know. I feel like, yeah, I was like, are you trying to intimidate him

out of context? I just like, I feel bad. No, it definitely sounds like a intimidate him out of God I just like I don't know it sounds like a potential like challenging situation for me I'll send you an invite all right tacos and margs mm-hmm what time is dinner 630

Saturday on a Friday okay Saturday Saturday on a Saturday mm-hmm this Saturday this Saturday yes oh I'll be in Cancun I can't come this is really sad I'm sorry it's Saturday. This Saturday? Yes. Oh, I'll be in Cancun. So I can't come.

This is really sad. I'm sorry. It's fine. Had I known that before, I would have been like, oh, shit. I'm definitely there. I have to cancel Cancun. I have to get a $3 taco. Yeah, but I'm not actually missing your birthday. We'll do something for your actual birthday. Something. I don't know. That we will.

We'll go buy you a bagel down the street. Thank you. All right. Well, texting off as ours as always. If you're listening

to this Monday morning and you have a predicament, want to shoot your shot, you need help drafting a text, we're here for you. Sending your submissions at asknick

at castme.com cast with a K. If you're watching us on YouTube, subscribe, rate, review on Apple iTunes. Validate us. Please. We love it. And then we have Cheryl Burke is with us on Going Deeper.

She's recently divorced, out in the dating world. We'll find out what that's like as well as talk whatever relevant pop culture topics and then those texting office hours. Recapping tomorrow, it's going to be a surprise. We texting office hours recapping tomorrow it's gonna be a surprise we haven't you know it's gonna be a surprise let's get to our callers how's it going hi i'm audrey i'm 32 hi aud, Audrey. How can I help? I have an interesting situation with my new boyfriend.

I am a recovering drug addict, and I committed a couple white-collar nonviolent crimes years ago. And I have not told him yet, but I need to find a way to tell that to him because I feel very bad keeping it from him and I want to figure out the best way to go about doing that okay interesting how much do you feel comfortable disclosing what you mean by non-violent crimes they're white collar

so legally I'm not like no public is at risk he's not at risk it was between me and one other person but it was a felony so

and since getting sober it's been a year and a half roughly I've cleaned up my life I've turned it around that will never happen again um he's also a recovering addict who is an alcoholic he got clean a little over a year ago um and then we've known each other for just three weeks so it's pretty new um but we really hit it off and i've kind of you know we have a lot of similar history in regards to the addictions.

I would think he might have more empathy than the average person because my guess is, you know, I'm not super familiar with addiction. Fortunately, I haven't experienced it and I haven't been around a lot of people personally who have. But my understanding is, you know, I feel like most people who come to the point where they are able to recognize they have a problem and have an addiction, it's probably only after they've made some choices they've regretted. I could see him being, you know, like as empathetic about it as I guess someone could be. But I don't really want to, you know, screw the thing up, but I don't like being secretive about it. I don't like being fully honest. That's not part of recovery. You're supposed to be truthful in all aspects of your life. And I haven't been. Well, it's only been three weeks, regardless of your specific situation. You know, ultimately when you meet someone someone they're a stranger that you date regardless of your past every relationship is hard to make work you know you meet someone three weeks

and you're excited four months past there you're like yeah i hate you you know so we just have to keep in mind that whatever we share with these people they they will now know. I don't know if we need to feel so bad not wanting to share our deepest, darkest secrets with every person we go on a date with because they're essentially strangers. I get that you like him. You see a future. Three weeks, you want to tell him, great. I don't think you need to beat yourself up or say that you've been dishonest. You needed to go through an internal process of deciding how much you like this person, how much you trust this person, how comfortable do you feel with this person to share some like really vulnerable shit and shit that like, well, like, hey, I guess

people, you did a felony and people can Google it. But like, my guess is like, you don't need everyone to fucking know that you did this in your life. Certain people you need to know that you want to build trust with. This is just my opinion. I don't think you should be beating yourself up or calling yourself dishonest. I think it seems like a reasonable amount of time. And I honestly, maybe a little early, but it's a tricky one. Some of the legal stuff, it's been a long process. It's taken a couple of years for things to kind of you know with

covid and everything there are so many delays in the legal process that like my case is just finally getting around to starting to roll like i haven't been sentenced at all oh so you still have to deal with that potentially what are what are you that's probably going to be coming in the next six months or so and are you facing any potential like jail time? It's not off the table, but it's pretty unlikely. My attorney is working on a plea deal right now. I've only had one court appearance so far, but it's slow going. Out of curiosity, the fact that you were an addict and you can name it and you're in recovery, do the courts have much grace about that in terms

of like you showing for the past you know x number of months or years that you've gotten clean and you are that that that's part of the deal that's going to be going is like because my my crime is directly linked to the addiction and because i'm no longer an addict there's i mean there's always going to be a risk of relapse sure anything but you'll probably be subject to like tests and right right exactly and you know probation i'm sure i think you just kind of sit them down and say this is really hard for me to share but i really like you i'm really excited about where this is going uh i don't want to share this with everyone because it's embarrassing and it's hard for me to accept that i did this but i want to share it with you because it's really important to me that i build trust with

you and so i'm just gonna say it and be vulnerable but like does he know you were an addict yeah yeah yeah and so we've bonded over that yeah and if he asked you like why didn't you tell me right away you just say i was still trying to get to know you and trying to see if there was something there i don't want to tell every person i go on a date with about this but i really see something here and so you know given the whole i understand if if it's too much for you. And I don't know his perception of it, but if I were to meet someone who was a recovering addict, alcoholic or whatever. Yeah, I mean, if someone told me that, which he already knows about you, you guys know this about each other. That certainly is going to set off some like, you know, I guess call it red flags, hesitancy.

Like, what does that mean? I'd have some questions like, how long have you been clean? How do you ensure that like, you're not going to, I don't know, like know like you'd you know the person on the other end is going to ask some questions i guess my point is if i'm going to date someone who tells me they're recovering addict like you said there's always the risk of relapse and i think everyone kind of knows that sure so the fear of dating someone who's an addict is well what happens they relapse and what does that look like Well, what happens at relapse, and what does that look like? Rothes!

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or you can get 15% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code VIALL at checkout. That's 15% off anything you order when you shop better hydration today using promo code VIALL at liquidiv.com. I'm guessing you will both already have like a fear of the other person relapsing, right? Like he could relapse tomorrow, I guess, right? And that person you're falling in love with now is probably not the same person that they would become if they fell off the wagon, so to speak.

You know, If it was like you and I, and you had told me, I was a recovering addict and I listened and I was like, yeah, well, good for you. Congratulations. Like, yeah, I guess that makes me a little hesitant, but it doesn't really change how I feel about you. And then you drop me with this. I don't, I feel like nothing would really change. I can't speak for him and I don't want to get your hopes up, but like, well, as long as you don't relapse i guess we're good and you know okay you know it makes me feel a little better yeah i mean listen there's everyone's different i don't know like my guess is he's got a couple like skeletons in his closet maybe he didn't get caught but like probably i don't know i did some shit of his

dark secrets if he has any i don't know it's been so shit. I don't know any of his dark secrets. If he has any, I don't know. It's been so, it's been, it's new. Yeah. It wouldn't shock me if you share this, if he were to maybe share something from his past as well. I know like he's hurt a lot of people. That's what, when he got a divorce, it was all caused by his alcoholism.

And, you know, the same thing happened with my addiction. I lost a lot of people that were close to my life, but it ended up being better that way. Now my therapist told me, she recommended to do it in like a couple smaller conversations, possibly like kind of bring up the idea that of how it started or like kind of broadly address the subject at first. And then as it feels right kind of slowly give them more information what do you think about that idea well i think you should always defer to your therapist over me i i don't i don't what does she what what do they

mean by that like basically saying uh so i'm trying to think of how i can say it without saying like i mean the way you say it i take as like, so how do you feel about petty crime? You know, like white collar crime and just get like their gauge and white collar crime in general. Like, what is worse, fucking someone else while you're in a relationship or stealing? You know, like, are you trying to like play like criminal this or that with them? Like, and just kind of like get their temperature? No, something saying like, oh, I have a meeting with my attorney today about some legal stuff that went down with whoever.

To me, I worry if you were to kind of like breadcrumb him. That's kind of, I think, what she was suggesting. I don't know. It just all depends. Because if it were me, i'd rather just have you tell me okay yeah because i think also there's again we're not therapists so it's like who are we to like go against sure what they said but it's also like if i were to get the little beginning and then get another data point later on i'd be like okay well when are these gonna like stop

popping up yeah i'd rather just get it all and be like that's everything because then he can make a decision based on the full picture he doesn't feel like every now and again there's a little rug being pulled or different angle to the story you didn't murder someone right i don't know what it was but like you said a white collar crime so probably like sold some money or something or, you know. Yeah, I had to do with money. Yeah, that was my guess. You don't have to know much about addiction to know that like people tend to steal some money when they are trying to feed the addiction. It's expensive, man.

Yeah. So like you're not justifying it. You know it's wrong. I think the fear it's like when you meet a criminal, just call them criminal, is like, what is their moral compass? You know, like what's their character? Do they know from right or wrong? You know, it's like, why do we, you people always say like, well, once a cheater, always a cheater. Right. Because people want to know, like, do you, do you truly think that cheating is bad?

Are you one of those people who like cheating is an option for you when you're no longer happy in your current relationship? That's why people have a fear of like getting in a relationship with the cheaters, you know? So in this situation, like you're, you're like, you know, it's wrong. Like, I wish I didn't do it. I was fucked up in the head when I did it. Like, I'm embarrassed. I wish I could take it back. I, you know, like I definitely am going to do everything I can to stay clean and not relapse. And even if I do, I still know that was a crime, but like, who the fuck knows when I'm high? To me, the concern is, could you ever relapse? And he already has that concern. I'm just, again, I'm only speaking for myself. He might be a different person, but for me, I don't know if that really changed anything. And yes, well, I, you know,

this is not therapist's advice. For me, I would just rather know and just give it all to me. Yeah. Let me process. And I don't want to worry about if there's another bomb to drop down the road. Okay. I hadn't thought about it from that perspective, but that does help a little bit. So he and I have a trip coming up in not this weekend, but the following weekend. Do you, what about, I'm deciding on if I should do it before or after the trip.

I mean, what is your confidence level? Other than like, obviously this is your, I think would be scary and embarrassing for anyone to, you know, because you're just worried about judgment. What is your read on him? Do you see him as someone who's a pretty empathetic guy? Do you see him as someone who hopes for grace from other people knowing he made mistakes? I do. I would say I'm fairly, I'm pretty confident that he'll be understanding and empathetic about it.

I feel like given his situation and given that he has skeletons of his own, I personally feel like if he handles this poorly, that's a huge red flag for him. Right. Because he, I would think on paper, should have the ability to empathize better than someone who is like, hey, listen, man, I'm sorry. Good for you for getting clean.

I'm sorry. But like, I don't do drugs. I've never done drugs. I don't drink. I don't, I don't. I'm like, hey, you know what? To each their own. But it would be really kind of weird

for him to have that type of reaction, knowing that he- Has the same history as I do. Has the same history. There's like different, different actions. But you hurt someone, he's hurt people. You didn't hurt like the person you swore not to hurt and spend the rest of your life with

and take marriage vows with. So we can sit there, we can sit there all day and debate what's worse. I don't think either you should do that. But what I'm saying is if he handles it poorly, then maybe he's just not the person you hoped he was. It's only been three weeks. You might be wrong. I really think you're going to be okay. If you tell him before the trip and it goes well, that's a weight off your shoulders and you guys can have a ton of fun. If you don't tell them before the trip, it'll be something that you're going to be worried about the entire trip. That's true. Now, what about telling them on the trip? Then you risk being stuck with them there,

I guess. You're on a weird trip. My vote is before the trip. There's a risk. It doesn't go the way you want. And then it's like, do you you know but it should go well and if it doesn't i think you should see it as a major red flag and maybe this guy's a bit hypocritical maybe like he has a lot of grace for himself but he's not willing to extend that grace to other people who have been in a similar situation okay okay i'll try to do it before the trip then and that kind of works out timing wise because i have a court date later in the month and I'd like them to know before that happens. Yeah. I just feel like let's just minimize things that you have to stress about and worry about. I think it's good to let them know how excited you are, how scary this is for you to share, how embarrassed you are that it happened and that you have to share it but like you really

care about them and you're grateful to have experienced these great three weeks you're excited about the trip and it's just something you want to say because you hope that it further builds trust with him okay because this is not easy for you to share and it's not something you share with everyone but you're sharing it with him yeah i would definitely like reiterate that one point first because like instead of you worrying about him being like why didn't you tell me before you're articulating why you telling him is a sign of how you feel about him and the sign of how you have grown to trust him already yeah and and how he handles this will further speak to whether you should continue to trust him and can further continue to feel that way you do about him.

Yeah. Yeah, that's very true. Okay. All right. Okay. Good luck. Yeah, that helps a lot. Thank you, Nick.

Keep us posted. I will. I'll send you an update later. All right. Take care. Thanks. All right. Bye-bye.

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How can I help Olivia? So in a couple of weeks, my ex-boyfriend will be coming back home to pick up all his stuff from my house. And just kind of wondering how I should act while he's here. So give a little background. We were together for two years. We lived on the East Coast. He got laid off from his job. So he actually got an opportunity with a new job in California, and he wasn't going to take it because he wanted to stay with me here. But I convinced him to take the job because it was good money. And he only needed to be in California for six months before he was able to come back and be remote. So we did the long distance for six

months, every three to four weeks, I'd fly there, he'd fly here. It was great. But then after six months, when it was time to come back home, he decided he did not want to come back home and he wanted to stay in California. Came a California boy. Yeah, it's nice out there. So he did say, well, what do you how do you feel about moving out there? And I said, you know what? After a little bit of thought, I said, yeah, you know, I'll definitely move out there. And the next day he said, never mind.

I do not want you to come. He made excuses about, I don't want you to leave your family and your friends and your good job here. I said, well, I can always come visit, you know, people move for the significant others, you know, all the time. I can always come visit. Like I was visiting him. Uh, so it was more logistical, logistical issue. Um, and then come to find out, you know, a month or so later, one of his so-and-so friends, he always said was just a friend of a girl he met out there that he would text while we were together and always say they were friends. Well, now he's kind of dating her now. I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret. You me if you guys know this i think amongst men they

often when they want to exit a relationship will try to get their partner in a heterosexual relationship to break up with them so hearing your story that to me is exactly what like he tried to do he was banking on the fact that you wouldn't move so like so when you're like expect me to say yeah so like because it's like people are like well why would he say one day and then the next day to say oh i don't want you to come out is i think he was really banking on the fact that you would be like i don't want to uproot my life and i'm not going to move and then you would have this like drawn out conversation and you would be all sad and disappointed he wanted to stay but he would like stand his ground and like reluctantly like i guess we have to break up but it's not really my

call because i wanted you to come and like basically like make it seem like it was your decision and i think that is something that a lot of men do not only in relationships but at early stages of dating especially if you communicate like your expectations, the things you want early in dating. And then they're like, yeah, okay, cool. But then they don't do the things that you ask them to do. That's like a way of hoping that you get pissed off and break up with them so they don't have to break up with you and not feel like the bad guy. Yeah, it sucks. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Do you have to be there? Do I have to? No.

What's your honest reason for wanting to be there? The honest reason is because I want to see him and there's some questions that I would like him to answer that I don't really have answers to. Well, the last time we talked over the phone was like just over a week ago. And that's when he told me about really hanging out with this girl. But apparently, I don't know if he's just saying this to make me feel better. She wants more than he can give because his heart is still somewhere else. I wouldn't believe any of that shit. Okay. I don't really know, but.

Yeah. Well, how he treats me through like how he has treated me since we broke up. Obviously, he can say he still loves me, but his actions do not show it. Yeah. So. What else? What other questions do you have for him? Well, you know, when they were talking or just friends while we were together,

was he really cheated on me or not? Assuming you can even trust that he's going to give you the actual truth to that answer. Yeah. Because if he did cheat, then we know he's a cheater and therefore a liar. So you're going to have to believe a liar. What would it do for you? Let's assume he cheated on you. So even though it would extremely be hurtful, I think it would be easier for me to move on because right now I'm having a hard time moving on because he still gives me that, just a little bit, know saying like i still

care about you i still love you it's just yeah he's definitely right now my guess is that he is not 100 certain of his decision i am not saying that to offer you hope he is probably saying things to leave a door open in case he changes his mind you know and then again like him wanting you to break up with him you know what allowed him to be like i want you back if he decided he you know wanted you back if he was like i want to stay out here i want you to move out and you said no and then you could be like all right and then he would have been like i guess we have to break up and then have had he changed his mind, maybe he gets like six months from now, maybe California is not what he hoped it would be.

And how much of this girl he liked played a role, who knows? Yeah. How old is this guy? Same age as me, 35. Okay. I just think he's very much trying to have his cake and eat it too. I'm not saying he's a bad guy right now, but right now he's really only worried about himself.

That is correct. I think our priorities are different right now. And listen, he took this big leap of faith and moved across the country. I'm sure that was scary for him. And I'm sure if he's never done something like like that before he's probably experiencing his whole new aspect of life he hasn't experienced and that might be fun and exciting for him and things like that but he is very much being selfish right now we've talked about you know we talk about how like you know i often say like oh you know your 20s and stuff is a great time to be selfish there's a lot of people who who maybe't, right? Like maybe, I don't know what he did in college or work, but like-

Well, he's also divorced with a child. So I think- Yeah. So he got married early, maybe with a kid. He married early. And now he's out there and he's feeling like this is my time to truly kind of do what I want to do. And I think that's his priority right now. And everything he is going to say right now is going to be focused on what's want to do. And I think that's his priority right now. And everything he is going to say right now is going to be focused on what's going to serve him best, even if he's going to pretend that that's not the case. If you said that to him, he would deny it and get defensive

and et cetera, et cetera. And he probably doesn't even see it right now. But I don't know how much can really come from you having this talk, because that's what you want, right? You want to have a talk and you want to have them come in and have this like, and basically what that talk is going to turn into, you're thinking, I want to have a talk so I can get some clarity and move on. I don't think that's going to happen. I think what's going to happen is one of two things. He's either going to say a bunch of confusing things, dangling a bunch of carrots and giving you false hope, even though you said to yourself, we're never getting back together. Clearly, you're hurting, you're grieving, you didn't expect this. This is not something you wanted. So it would be natural in the back of your mind to still figure out a way that you

could forgive him and get back to what you had. That's his human nature. And so if he says a bunch of like vague things that give you a little bit of hope, like that's just going to confuse you and fuck with you and your ability to move on. Or two, maybe he is honest. And maybe that conversation just turns into him telling you once again, a bunch of reasons why he doesn't want to date you. And I'm not really sure what that does for you. You know, you're not dating him. So should I just not even have this, any conversations, just pretend? I think, I think a power, I think, yes, I think it would be a power move to have a friend, especially if you have a good guy friend, that'd be great. If you have a good guy friend to be there instead of you and you just say, Hey, listen, I have plans. I'm busy. I can't be great. If you have a good guy friend to be there instead of you and you just say,

Hey, listen, I have plans. I'm busy. I can't be there. My friend Corey is going to be there to let you in, do your thing. He's going to,

you know, he won't bother you, but he's going to be there to like, let you in and lock up and, uh, you know, good luck with everything. So you just keep it real brief and short.

It's so funny. You said that because this past weekend, one of my guy friends offered. He's like, I'll be there. I have my van. I can help him pack everything up and drop him back off at the airport.

Yeah. No, he doesn't need to do all that. You want him to give off the impression that he is babysitting him and watching him and keeping an eye on him. And that will piss your ex off. And he's going to say something like, what, you don't trust me?

And you say, that's nearly neither here nor there. Like we're no longer together. And I feel more comfortable having him there. You don't say you don't trust him. You say you feel more comfortable just having him there and that it is what it is. You do not need to explain yourself to your ex. That is something I think you need to really remind yourself. I do not need to explain myself to him. You say that over and over because once you start doing stuff like this and standing your ground and not asking and pining and whatever, he's going to be like, why did you do this? Why can't you be there? Or do you not want to see me? I don't know what he's going to say, but he's going to make you feel probably like you need to explain yourself. He's going to challenge your decisions. And when he does that, you need to

remember, I do not need to explain myself to him. I do not need to explain myself to him. There's nothing to explain. If there's a world where you get back together, it's because he truly is wanting to get back together. He shows up in your door, surprises you, and does a 180 and begs, begs with a lot of clear explanations that have no confusion. And there's some hard truths that he has to share in hopes that you forgive him, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. He doesn't get to try to turn this around on you. He wanted to be selfish. Fine. That's a choice he made. But you try to turn this around on you he wanted to be selfish fine that's a choice he made but you have to hear that he can recognize that hey listen i moved out i panicked i

did x y and z but then you know i realized i fucked up and i don't deserve a second chance but i'm hoping you're willing to give it to me he has to truly own the fact that he bailed on this relationship. It doesn't make him a bad guy. Everyone does that. But if he wants a second chance with you, he has to own what he did to damage the relationship. It's his fault for leaving the relationship. Correct.

You encouraged him to move out. You were willing to do long distance. You were willing to take that risk. You were willing to do all that. And you were willing to put in the work. You were willing to move. I'm not saying you were perfect in the relationship. I'm sure you both had things to work on, but he's the one who chose to walk out of this relationship. And if he ever would want it back, he has to recognize the role he played without you coaching him up, without you

reminding him what he did. He has to see it for himself. Yes, I agree. So that's my two cents. I empathize with why you want to have this conversation, but from personal experience and then talking to people, it never goes the way you want. You're not going to get the feeling that you're hoping to get. This is obviously a conversation about closure. And I think the more you can get it from yourself and just accept the reality of the situation, identify that you're hurt from it, you're sad over it, that's okay. But this clarity that you're trying to find, you already have it. And that clarity is he didn't want to move back. He quit on the relationship, whether he cheated or emotionally cheated. I don't fucking know. Does it really matter?

Does it really matter whether he emotionally cheated or had sex with someone else? At the end of the day, clearly he was doing some shit that if you were there he wouldn't want you to know about he was definitely exploring something else while he was in a relationship with you and the degree of which like how like whether he had sex with someone else that is just your ego wanting to know like how mad it should be at you and that really is irrelevant to like you healing and getting over it okay thank you Thank you. What are you, what are you feeling? It's still going to be hard. What are you feeling in processing right now? Like there's obviously like resistance to what I'm saying. Well, so no, actually I'm taking everything you're saying to heart. I still think I want to see him, but I'm, I don't think I'm going to have any of the

conversations that I want to have because it's only going to make, why do you want to see him? Are you into torturing yourself or? I guess so. I don't know. That's a good point. You should ask yourself why you want to see him. Yeah, because it would be torture for sure. I just don't think it's going to make you feel good. I think whatever willpower it's going to take for you not to be there will end up turning into you being really happy. I promise you, you will feel like you gained some power back. And I don't know what your goal of this conversation, but I feel like a good goal would be

to try to gain some of that power back you lost by feeling like you were there to support him, back him up, and he kind of bailed on you and took that from you and made you feel like a little foolish for maybe he cheated. Like you feel powerless wondering if someone like cheated on you and things like that.

So you feel a little helpless. This situation is providing you an opportunity. And that only opportunity is for you to take back some of your power. And I personally think the only way to do that is to do what I said you should do. I think anything else is a wasted opportunity in just my humble opinion. I think anything else is a wasted opportunity and just in my humble opinion and there are so many other options in which that interaction is going to leave you feeling worse, not better. Yes. like sparks some sort of reaction and sadness from him and some regret. And you want to see that on his face and that your ego is telling you that will make you feel better. But I promise you it won't. These conversations never go the way someone in your shoes wants it to go.

I believe you in that respect for sure. I really think you should take up your friend's offer and I think have him sit there. Just have him like have the game on. He's just like, I'm your friend and he lets him in and your friend sits back on your sofa, watches TV, minds his own fucking business, stays out of his way, limits the conversation, doesn't try to pick a fight. Nothing. He's just there. Him being there will just buck the shit out of your ex. It'll be great. That would. And you just act unbothered and you never explain yourself to him. You're just like, get your stuff.

It's no big deal. This makes me feel more comfortable. It's how I wanted to handle the situation. These are your only responses. The no explanation. Do not explain yourself. Before you send this text, ask yourself, am I explaining myself to him? If so, then you wrote too much.

All right. Yes. If you're stating a fact, this is how I feel, fine. This is what I wanted. This makes me feel more comfortable. The why doesn't matter. Take out the why. Yep.

All right. I'll do that. Well, let me know if you actually follow through with my advice. And if not, give us an update. I'll give you guys an update in a couple weeks. All right. What do you see here? All right. Take care. a couple of weeks. All right. All right. What do you see here? All right.

Take care. Thank you, Nick. All right. All the best. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hey, Nick. I'm Kate and I'm 35 years old.

How can I help Kate? So I wrote in seeking your advice because I listened to your podcast and I think you give very good advice on family situations as well as relationship situations. And I have a situation that involves the interplay of both of those things. And I am seeking advice on how to integrate a boyfriend into my family dynamic when I have drawn boundaries with my immediate family as an adult that I think are necessary and healthy and are working for our relationship and how to explain those boundaries and why they exist to my boyfriend and help explain to him what the relationship with my family looks like when it looks very different from the relationship that he has with his family. different from the relationship that he has with his family. So that is why I wrote in. And then I can give you some details and background as to exactly what is... Give me a little background on the family dynamic and the boundaries you've set and

why you think they work. I actually moved about seven years ago. I moved probably 10 or 12 hours away from where my parents reside now. And I think that moving so far away naturally instituted some boundaries into our relationship that were necessary. And before that, I was in college, I was in grad school. So I always had a little bit of space with my family that I think was good. I know my parents love me and care about me. I think they did the best job parenting that they could for the circumstances that they were in both, you know, practically, financially, mental health wise. And I don't have any resentment about my childhood, but I have drawn boundaries with them as an adult that I think are necessary because one of the most freeing realizations as an adult was that I got

to set those boundaries once I was on my own. I could say, no, you know, you can't talk to me that way. You can't intrude on this part of my life. And I got to draw those boundaries. And I think that's been really healthy and they've respected them. And we have a relationship now over the past few years that is mostly text based because like I said, I moved so far away about seven years ago. The first few years, I would go back and visit. I would see them and friends. They came here a few times, but I got a new job in 2019 and was really busy. And then the pandemic hit in 2020 and canceled my plans to go back for that summer. And now here we are. And I actually haven't seen my parents in person since December of 2018.

So our relationship since then has been text-based. We have FaceTimed a few times. We have talked on the phone a few times, but it's become a bit more shallow because we're not in person. I'm not going over for dinner all the time. What's the primary reason why you felt like the need to just have this distance? Was it, were they, was it like a lot of judgment from them or controlling? Do you feel like they were just too involved? Like what was the reason for this? So growing up, um, I grew up in a very religious household. We were homeschooled on and off my brother and I, um, and I would say that as a child, my parents were probably pretty controlling and overbearing. I don't think that's the primary

reason as an adult that I have created some distance. I think that they are for lack of a better word, cooler now. They're much more liberal. They're much more open. They've really come a long way in that respect. And I'm really proud of them. But starting in high school, and I just want to be really respectful of other people's, you know, private business on this call. But my brother has struggled with mental health and substance abuse issues. And growing up, I think that impacted me. And I think it distracted my parents from raising me and giving me a lot of attention and put a lot of pressure on me. And I have found it healthy to create some boundaries. And there can be some judgment there. There can be some criticism. I know for a fact that my mother doesn't mean to come off this way. But when something good happens in my life, she often reacts in a way that

almost appears to be jealousy. I know that's not how she means for it to come off, but I think back on large, momentous moments in my life and graduating college, you know, graduating graduate school or introducing a boyfriend to the family. And my mother gets very antagonistic in those situations and they seem to stress her out. And so creating some distance in my personal relationships and the choices that I'm making in my life has been healthy for me. If that helps explain. Why are you concerned that's going to be a challenge to, as you say, integrate your boyfriend and explain this to him? Because I don't think this is all that uncommon. I mean, your situation, every situation is unique, but a lot of people are, is he like really close with his family?

Yeah, he's very close to this family. So where's this fear coming from? Is it something he's saying or doing, or are you just internalizing this and worried that while he's close with his family, he's going to judge me for having distance with mine? I think so. I'm worried about that. I'm worried because in the past I've had boyfriends try to be buddy-buddy with my family, getting my parents' phone numbers and texting them. And that to me feels like crossing a line that is uncomfortable for me because I kind of want to feel like my partner is on my side, right? For again, lack of a better term.

I want you to like my family, but I also want you to understand that if we're together, I have boundaries with my family and I would like you to respect those boundaries and kind of fall in line with them to an extent. What conversations have you had with your current boyfriend about any of this, if at all? We've been dating for a year. We really haven't had many conversations about it. I have very subtly mentioned that my family dynamic is different than his, that I don't share a lot of personal information with my parents. Typically, I've said very subtle things. We haven't really had an in-depth conversation. And I found that

with most people, if I avoid the topic, they don't really ask. So I've been able to not really discuss it. But with the boyfriends who you felt like crossed a line in the past, how quickly did it come up? Because to me, you guys have been dating for a year. He hasn't been pushy about it. You kind of said, hey, listen, I just have a different relationship than you have. And it sounds like he was like, okay. Cause that's like how I would handle it. Family is important to me. I feel like overall I have a close relationship with my family. You know what causes a lot of stress in relationships? Two people who are super close with their families and all of a sudden Thanksgiving and Christmas roll around. And all

of a sudden it's like a big debate of which family you get to go to, who gets who and that's stressful. And it's like like it's come up in that context because we've discussed how I really love that his family has embraced me I've met them multiple times I've spent Christmas with them last year actually so I've mentioned that I really love that and that was something I was looking for in a relationship as a family that would really embrace me so it's definitely come up in that context. But that was like a positive. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. I think that he's getting the sense correctly that I have not told my parents that I'm in a relationship. And I think he is going to feel sort of hurt and confused. Like, why haven't you told your parents that we've been

dating for a year and you have a boyfriend? That's something that most people are excited to share with their family. And my parents have planned a visit in the fall just for a long weekend. And he is fully expecting to meet them. And I invited him to a day event for something that I had bought tickets for and thought he could come along and that that would work. And just as it's approaching, I'm having anxiety about how to explain the family dynamic to him, how to let him know that I haven't told my parents that we've been dating for a year and just really fingers crossed that my parents are going to be welcoming and pleasant to him.

to be welcoming and pleasant to him. What if, and I'm just spitballing here, so I could be wrong and maybe you hate this idea, but what if between now and then you tell your parents you're dating someone? So then you don't even have to worry about explaining to him that they don't know. So actually changing the situation so that I have the conversation with them and say, I've been dating someone for a year and I haven't mentioned it because I wasn't really sure if it's going to work out. And I'd love for you to meet him when you come visit instead of having to talk to him. Yeah. And then you have a conversation with your boyfriend to further explain the relationship with your parents. And just say what you said to me. I don't know. It seems pretty understandable. Give your boyfriend the opportunity to be the supportive boyfriend that hopefully he wants to be. Trust that he can be

someone that you can lean on and count on with this type of stuff. I mean, as this relationship evolves, you're going to want to open up to him more and give him a more opportunity for you to trust him and vice versa. But you have to share in order to do that. When you're like, ah, I don't want to share, that people on the receiving end will be like, well, I just want you to trust me. I want you to feel comfortable sharing these things with me,

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Your parents have shown you a reason why that's not the case. As far as your parents go, it's always, if you've listened to other episodes, like it's tough with parents because I think we always have this expectations of what parents should have done for us. And we try to be understanding, but as much as you can just be empathetic.

I mean, I think it's a fairly common thing, right? Especially for like people who are older now who are conservative. It wouldn't shock me that maybe some of the hopes and dreams that you've been able to do on your own and the progress that you've made and the progressive kind of ideologies that you've evolved and implemented in your life earlier than your mom,

it wouldn't shock me that she might have a little jealousy or resentment. Not that she doesn't want that for you, but she probably wishes that maybe some of the independence you've had for yourself, she wishes she had for herself. But that might have been harder for her back in the day when religion was that much more part of people's communities. It was tougher to break away from that a little bit.

And I think even tougher for women and very conservative and religious communities to feel like they could have their independence. It's something my mom has always struggled with of the expectations of her role as a young girl and as a woman. And she's been able to have a lovely family, but I think as an adult woman, she's always wished she's had more things for herself. That's a perspective that I really haven't considered as much therapy as I've been in and self-awareness that I think I have. I really haven't considered that perspective. That's a really great point. I don't know if that's the case with your mom, but when you feel

that jealousy or envy, try not to judge your mom for it. Try to have empathy with the fact that maybe she didn't get to do those things and try not to feel like she's attacking you it still might happen and you have the right to be annoyed by it and you have the right to like be like mom fucking doing it again but my guess is she doesn't mean it the way you are receiving it yes maybe not i don't know and i think maybe giving my boyfriend a little bit of a warning that sometimes that that attitude that she takes on when she is stressed out or she has a reaction to something, letting him know that he may get the brunt of some of that and to just kind of let it roll off of him. I just want to prepare him a little bit. I know I'm not the first person who's going to have a somewhat stressful family dynamic. When I date someone, the approach I take is like, you tell me what

I should expect. You tell me how much I should care. I have a family. I'm good. I love my family and I'll love yours. And I just don't see that as a red flag. To me, that's not like, I know it's one of those things where everyone says, look, I just want to date someone who like loves their family and is family oriented just because you have boundaries with your family doesn't mean you're not family oriented you know what i'm saying it doesn't mean that you are going to want different things like because i don't know what your goals are like i don't know if do you want kids or i don't want kids no you don't okay so your family might mean something else with like friends and things like that. And like, that's fine. You know, everyone's different. And so it's just finding someone who's in line with your priorities. Give him an opportunity to show you that he can be the

partner that you want him to be, which is supporting and there for you. And yeah, give him the heads up. You know, if I were dating someone who says like, yeah, my dad or my mom, he'd be kind of a dick sometimes. They might say something to you. Don't take it personally. I would be like, okay, great. And I immediately would be like, I would go in there expecting them to say something.

And then I would decide to not let it bother me because my girlfriend told me not to. I don't know if everyone's the same as me, but like, I do think that would help. Yeah. Give them the heads up. Like, hey, I want you to meet my family. I love them. I'm close with them. But like every once in a while, this like, I'm not as close as you are. And I love what I have with your family. But like every once in a while, my mom or dad will say something that feels a little judgmental or shameful or resentful. And I've learned to like,

let it go. And that's why I've kind of kept that separation, but just a heads up. It might happen. Don't take it personally. Okay. So there is a way to handle this that I'm bringing all of my past anxiety into this conversation. I think I have to give a full family history and I really don't. I don't think you do. I don't know if this is that big of a deal. I understand that it feels a lot and you're probably internalizing just how close with these is, is he going to judge me for it? I don't know. I mean, I'm not everyone and I don't want to like give you high hopes, but families

are all over the map in terms of how close they are. Every family has its warts, even the close ones. There's conflict in every family. There's frustration in every family. Family, it's like you are tied to. Friends, you get to pick, right? Your siblings, you're just like, how are we related? I mean, I love you. And some siblings are best friends and some people are just like, I love you, but I shocked that we're related. And I think that's pretty common. So yeah, tell your parents that you have a boyfriend. Definitely invite him.

Okay. I don't think you should try to protect your boyfriend from your parents. I think that's probably what I think that I'm doing. I think you should give your boyfriend an opportunity to show that he's an adult and he can handle some awkward parents. If you want some alone time with mom and dad, I think that's also okay to do that as well. I just don't think you should not let your boyfriend there thinking that you're protecting him. And I don't think that's doing anything. That makes sense. Yeah. And giving him the

opportunity to handle it himself and step into that dynamic and deal with it. I need to do that. My guess is you'll probably oversell it and he'll be like, I think your mom and dad are all right. Right. Which usually is what happens. I've had a few boyfriends that have had some interactions with my mom that haven't been totally pleasant. But for the most part, I'm sure my boyfriend's a bigger deal. Probably. But you still respect your parents and you still want him to respect your parents right so that make make sure that's clear because like sometimes when you when you try to warn people about with parents people can inadvertently give off the impression that

like you don't have to respect my parents and then i think that sometimes emboldens people to like pick fights with people's parents or talk back or shit like that. You want him to be respectful the same way you respect his parents and family members. And that's all. But if they say something that's off-putting, let it roll off your sleeve because I don't know if it's going to happen, but it might. And I've learned to look the other way. Yeah. And then just, I hope that he will be able to respect the boundaries that I've set with his parents. I would never text his mother or his father without knowing that he was comfortable with something like that. I think it's just kind of weird that your exes did that. I don't think it's the norm, even though it happened to you. I could be wrong wrong about that but i do think it's a control thing were your other exes a little controlling i think that yeah that one yes is your current

boyfriend do you feel it's controlling you know like natalie has built a relation with my mom and they have each other's numbers and they text but like it's it's it's evolved because we're you know what i'm saying it's not like she's gone behind my back to do it. She's just building a relationship with my mom, but I like that. And that's the expectation. But I think it's, I think if it's something that someone does behind your back or does something when you don't have it, I think it's a little weird. Okay. Agreed. And so I don't foresee that being an issue in this relationship. And if it was, then I think maybe I can address it because. Then you address it.

But yeah, there's no point in worrying about it and assuming they're going to do the same thing as your past. You have to give people an opportunity to fail. That's so true. All right. So, okay. So I'm going to let my parents know that I am dating someone and that we've been dating for a year. I just didn't mention it because I didn't know if it was going to work out, but I think it

would be great for them to meet him when they come to visit. And then I will invite him to some events that weekend and see how it goes. And I'll, I'll let him know without making a huge deal about it, how, how they can sometimes come off. Okay. It's so funny. I think that we build up such a story. We, cause with our families, we have a history and we have all these things in our head that we think we need to share with other people. And we really don't need to put that burden onto the partner, especially if you're into the relationship. I need to just let him know how the dynamic might be, but I don't need to put all of these. Yeah. I think we all get self-conscious about what our family dynamic looks like and how other people perceive it. But I've learned that everyone's family has some shit. Oh yeah, for sure. And we love them. I love my parents and I know they love me, but

I think I have been feeling like I need to love me, but I, I think I have been feeling like I need to protect my boyfriend and you're right. I really don't need to do that. I don't, I don't think you need to do that. Well, thank you. I really appreciate your time. I respect your opinion so much. So thank you. Well, I really appreciate you calling in. This is a non-issue. Yeah. At least give it a chance to be a problem before you start making it work. That sounds good. Thank you, Nick.

All right. Thanks. You too. Let us know. I will. I'll email email follow up all right take care bye-bye thanks for listening guys don't forget to send in those questions at ask nick at cast me.com cast with a k we'll see you tomorrow for our batch recap and cheryl burke dancing with the stars alum and recently single joins us us for Going Deeper. Don't miss it. You're crazy.