The Viall Files - E466 Ask Nick - Got Married Behind My Best Friend’s Back

Starting point is 00:00:00 you're crazy what is going on hi oh my god what maybe you have to mix it up hi it's the vile files that's nick edition if this was the one true constant in your life, get ready for it to be shaken up. Nick is no longer saying, what's going on, everybody? Why can't I just mix it up? You're allowed to mix it up. I'm just saying. Do we like the, what's going on, everybody? I think that's for the people to say.

Starting point is 00:00:39 What's going on, everybody? Oh, by the way, this is the Vile Files. I'm Nick, Allie, Amanda. What's up? What an intro. Happy to be here. It was Allie's birthday on Friday. It was. And now Amanda has something in common with Dr. Jill Biden.

Starting point is 00:00:55 Because I took her to my friend's. I was going to make a very inappropriate joke about performing sexual acts on the president. And then I didn't. But I said it. So I kind of still got. Yeah yeah i don't know that i'm fully exonerated but i went to soul cycle ali took me to my first soul cycle class yes my friend diego is the teacher so he let us come ride he's also taught to jill before it was what do you think oh my god it's like they're trying to get workout classes like you stay on rhythm no of

Starting point is 00:01:24 course i didn't stay on rhythm. I can usually, like in most, in a lot of workout classes. Do you have rhythm? Can you dance? Do I have rhythm? I would say like medium, no. Like it's not atrocious. It's not like egregiously bad, but it's never, I would never like volunteer myself for something,

Starting point is 00:01:40 but I could keep up in certain situations. That's a nice middle ground. I think I can dance. You have rhythm, but you think you you can dance i don't know if you can do one with the other rhythm is dancing i guess when i think of rhythm though i think of like kind of more like intricate like clap patterns like i find it easier than dancing i'm talking about like when there's like like when there's clapping and pat like I don't know like you can't clapping and patting I I'm trying to think it's well in workout classes when you have to do something with your arms and something with your legs I really struggle with that I'm not

Starting point is 00:02:15 talking about slow cycle but like you can dance at a if you go to a wedding well okay that well okay here's what it is is the difference between rhythm and dancing is that with rhythm it's like you have to like keep it in your head and like stay on beat versus like with dancing the music is playing so you just need to follow it okay so you can do that yes you can dance yeah i have a lot of fun dancing like not in a way where i'm like oh my god make a circle let me get in the center i don't mean i don't mean like but you can keep up you can you dance? Sure. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, like, we, I did musical theater. So we, like, part of our curriculum was, like, dance classes.

Starting point is 00:02:49 Did I do well? No. Did I cry during across the floors? Yes. I've met a lot of people. Like, I'm like, yeah, dance is not for you. You just, I think a lot of dance is, like, an emotional and mental battle of being, like, I'm going to dance and it's going to be okay.

Starting point is 00:03:03 And, like, people aren't looking at me. They're thinking about themselves. I have very little, like, I'm going to dance and it's going to be okay. And like people aren't looking at me. They're thinking about themselves. I have very little like pride. So that's not true. Just kind of like meh. You have lots of pride. You identify as being a good dancer. For like a kid from Wisconsin at a wedding.

Starting point is 00:03:16 Like, yeah. Okay. That's how I feel too. Like I can hold my own. Like I've been in a circle. I've had people clap for me. What do you do in a circle what's your move he grabs his knee he grabs his elbow i do a little dougie you know like carlton i can

Starting point is 00:03:32 carlton this is a life hack for anybody who feels uncomfortable dancing um a really good dance move is pretend to hold a microphone and just put it in front of someone else's face while they're like jamming out to a song and then you don't look like you're being weird and out like not involved but then like everybody fucking loves it oh my god you put a mic in you put a fake mic in someone's face during come on eileen or like poker face and like they'll really go ham it's a win-win okay i have a question uh on behalf of my friend she wanted me to poll the room and ask Nick specifically. She had an experience recently where she had just started seeing this guy. I think over the course of like several weeks,

Starting point is 00:04:12 they'd gone on like five or six dates or something, or at least had like seen each other in different contexts. And their communication styles were just like very, very different. Like he was not responsive. He's not a texter whatsoever. And i think she very much more so is but her concern was you know they hadn't defined anything it was still new how long they've been hanging out a few weeks okay um and so her question was like you know like does she have the ability to talk to him about you know

Starting point is 00:04:43 the lack of communication or you know like stepping up the texting game when there is no sort of like label? I think we kind of briefly talked about this before, but I've heard the he's a bad texter often. Quite honestly, I didn't fully understand what people meant about that. And then I had a few conversations with people. about that. And then I had a few conversations with people and it seems like there at times seems to be a fairly unreasonable expectation when it comes to texting etiquette early in dating. But like you said, it's been a couple of weeks, nothing's been defined. Does your friend have the expectation that they should be like texting throughout the day on somewhat of a regular basis? Because it seems like a lot of people have that expectation. Like they have a couple of dates, they get excited. I like them. And there's this hope that he or she wants to like

Starting point is 00:05:29 play this or that while they're at work and, and just like say hi and start building some sort of rapport via text. But like, you've been on a couple of dates, you know, and I don't think that was her expectation more so like it would be, what does she want to communicate? Well, like she, I felt like she would start the conversation or like send him something or ask a question of like you know like he went home to see his family and she'd be like how's your family like how's the trip going and he'd be like it's good and like not ask her how she's doing and it would be days of not hearing from him if not like i think at one point it got up to like closer to a week what do you mean a week how long you said a couple weeks couple weeks. A couple weeks is two.

Starting point is 00:06:05 No. Within a few weeks, so three-ish weeks. They've been hanging out for three weeks. How many dates? Five or six. Okay. And then he went home to visit his family. So I think that was its own week at the end.

Starting point is 00:06:16 Yeah. I still think it's too early to have any expectations with someone you haven't had any conversations about what those expectations are. Don't you think it's a bad sign, though, if's not like interested enough to just say like hbu but i feel like people have different buy-in points on a relationship where for some people it's like if you're like after date one you're like you buy in not to say you're locked in by any sense but like the excitement can get triggered at that phase versus i think for other people it's just like always going to be a slower burn. And so I,

Starting point is 00:06:46 it doesn't matter like how much they text or don't like it for those first few days, because it's just like until they get to like whatever X, Y, Z point where they like, okay, I'm in, I like have a level of like commitment to this,

Starting point is 00:06:58 that manifests in me feeling really motivated and incentivized to respond to texts like quicker. I think that once you start having expectations, whatever those expectations are, if you don't communicate those expectations, whatever those expectations are, you are doing yourself a disservice. But that's the question. Does she have the right to then bring that up to him? You have any right to bring up anything in a dating situation.

Starting point is 00:07:25 They have a right to like... Be freaked out? Well, it depends on how you say it. Well, what's freaked out? I mean, you know, we do live in a time where people are dragging their feet when it comes to like defying relationships. And three weeks, especially like this dating climate is nothing. Now that doesn't mean she's crazy for wanting more. If she wants more, she should sit down and have it. And like we have to say every episode, like I really enjoyed getting to talk to you. I really like you. I'd like to get to know more. Like, how do you feel about that? You know, I think texting also provides a certain level of security though. Like I think for people who do want to be like in touch a lot of the time, like it's not necessarily that they want to be up to date on whoever they're dating like morning evening afternoon, whatever

Starting point is 00:08:06 It's that there's a certain amount of communication that indicates Okay, if i'm talking to you this much like this would be a lot for you to be doing with another person So i'm either like the person you are most in contact or the only person you're in contact Well, yeah, but that's what i'm saying That's what a lot of people do is like instead of having conversations about your expectations. They look for like the clues Yes, they look for clues and they try things and they read into things. And sure. Could we say maybe he's not like over the moon excited about her? It's possible. Maybe he's busy with his family. Yeah. Could he have said,

Starting point is 00:08:35 how about you? For sure. I feel like in general, I found that the men I have dated have been significantly, um, it's been a lot less intuitive or less of a priority to ask follow-up questions sure about like any given like just like this is like no questions at all and i was like why is this man not showing any interest in you but i also think in general like i think that's an area where like i found myself being like kind of dating women like changed my expectations in that way. And also just like female friendships that I have where like I think the way like some like I will unpack a day when I am like gabbing on the phone with like one of my good friends. Like I have become sometimes I've noticed myself being like, why isn't my boyfriend like asking me follow up questions?

Starting point is 00:09:21 Most men don't care about the details of anyone's day. That's where the expectation things kind of, I think, hits a wall because sometimes the expectation is that I want you to have like a genuine curiosity. And me saying, I expect you to ask questions, like I expect you to do this, ruins the, like if your expectations are grounded in wanting a little bit more initiative, then it's how much is it on you to communicate them because the whole thing you want is for them to like notice be thoughtful be proactive relationships are about communication and i don't know what to tell you sure it definitely kills the fairy tale romance you know whatever you have in your head of how you want to be swept off your feet and how you want to fall in love. Sure. Yeah. But like love and dating was a lot simpler back in the day. And you can romanticize and fantasize about like how you fall in love because everyone's kind of

Starting point is 00:10:14 doing the same way, you know, graduate high school, meet someone, get engaged, married, graduate college, meet someone, get engaged, married, have kids. It was just like much more of a sense of urgency for people in their early twenties, you know, to like, now it's my time to find my husband. Now it's not my time to find my wife. And everyone had like this same kind of sense of urgency and timeline. And that's drastically changed. Now you have all these different timelines. You have all these different senses of urgency and when people want to like be in relationships in general early on i think it's a mistake for the average woman in a heterosexual relationship to overanalyze his like interest and talking about your day via text yeah i feel like i that's interesting because i feel like i was thinking about on the phone only but it is a good even on the phone it's like oh what'd you do

Starting point is 00:11:04 today i went to work cool what was it like it's like oh what'd you do today i went to work cool what was it like how do you do what'd you talk about like you know like most men aren't into girl talk i mean i'm more into girl talk than the average guy and i'm still bad at it the only time where i get like a little bit like oh is like you love it when i give you girl talk you love it when i ask little follow-up questions you being whatever man who i am like a girl talking with like you love it when i remember the office politics and i ask follow-up questions about the projects you were working on and yeah you could call it minutiae and you could call it mundane but like if we explore and unpack it together it doesn't have to be that way it can

Starting point is 00:11:37 be a point of like mutual like material and connection completely agree but it might require you to say hey I really like it when you show an interest in the things I have an interest in. I'd appreciate you if you did X, Y, or Z. And I know like you wish that you wouldn't have to ask, but if you ask and they comply, that's still better than like wondering and complaining to your friends and being frustrated and overanalyzing someone who does or doesn't like you. Hola y bienvenidos al Vile Files. Nosotros somos.

Starting point is 00:12:12 Nosotros encantamos Babbel. Porque necesitamos hablar en otras lenguas. I might have gotten some of the genders wrong. You know why? Because it's been a hot second since I've done my Babbel Spanish. I've been hitting the German hard. Pull that out. You too could do Sound Like since I've done my Babbel Spanish. I've been hitting the German hard. Pull that out. You too could do Sound Like Amanda if you just use Babbel.

Starting point is 00:12:28 Truly. It's like you probably learned a language in high school and then stopped speaking it. Or maybe you never got the chance to and you want to learn it now. Babbel is a really cool way to do the upkeep. And it's a really awesome and satisfying way to connect with people, like whether you're abroad or in your town. With Babbel, you only need 10 minutes to complete a lesson. You can start having real life conversations in a new language in as little as three weeks. Their lesson plans were designed

Starting point is 00:12:52 by over 150 language experts, not AI. You can choose from 14 different languages, including Spanish, French, Italian, and German. And like a little bit, it goes a long way. Shamings make a pile. Like Amanda said, it's great for traveling. Even if you're just like, are about to like go to Europe and travel or go to mexico or go wherever they don't speak english

Starting point is 00:13:09 assuming that's your native tongue babble will make that travel experience that much easier maybe you have a family member who started dating someone who also speaks like another language or bilingual and you want to like impress them you know try babble there's all different reasons why we should be learning more languages, and Babbel is making it easier and more convenient than ever before. Right now, save up to 60% off your subscription. 60. Six. Zero. That's basically free. Yeah. When you go to babbel.com slash V-I-A-L-L, that's B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash V-I-A-L-L,

Starting point is 00:13:39 for up to 60% off your subscription. Babbel, language for life. to 60% off your subscription. Babbel, language for life. Wait is almost over. A new football season is about to begin. I could not be personally more excited for my Green Bay Packers and my little fantasy football players. Get ready for the NFL week one action with DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL, to celebrate the return of football. DraftKings is giving new customers a can't-miss offer. Bet just $5 on any football game and get $200 in free bets instantly. For the ladies out there, especially ones who maybe aren't the biggest sports fan, but you're dating a man who might be, you're ready to make it fun. Put a little cash on the game. It doesn't have to be much,

Starting point is 00:14:20 $5, $10, $20. It gets a lot more fun when you got a little cash on the line. It can be a fun activity to do with your guy. Like maybe you put like teams together because you can play fantasy football with DraftKings. I'm just saying, bring up DraftKings here, man, or lady. And if you are into all things football, think of DraftKings. That's right. They're so easy and convenient. Want more action opening night? Well, everyone can experience the thrill of DraftKings early win promotions. Bet on any NFL team of your choice. And if your team leads by seven points at any point during the game, you get paid instantly. Even if your team loses at any point, they just have to be up seven points. It's like free money. And that's

Starting point is 00:14:56 something you can bet on. Ladies, go to your guy and be like, I want to get up seven. Just say that. I'm like, what do you mean? DraftKings, silly. Duh. Duh. DraftKings is safe, secure, and reliable. Best of all, you can deposit and withdraw your cash whenever you want. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now and use promo code VIALL to get $200 in free bets instantly when you place a $5 bet on any football game. That's code VIALL only at DraftKings Sportsbook. An official sports betting partner of the NFL. Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. See show notes for details.

Starting point is 00:15:27 So whether you like sports betting or you know you're a man like sports, go tell them that you got a code for them. It's called V-I-A-L-L. And have some fun winning some money. Speaking of ask, it's an Ask Nick. Anyway, we have a great episode for you. I don't know if you know this, but there's this amazing book coming out

Starting point is 00:15:47 called Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday. I wrote it. I do think it's a good book. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. It's for all the people who listen. Anyways, it would mean a lot. There's a link in our show description that'll allow you to not only get the book,

Starting point is 00:15:57 but procure it from a local bookstore. And it'll be the same cost as buying it on Amazon. And they'll ship it just like on Amazon. And you will also be supporting a local bookstore. This week, we have a great week lined up. Jim Jeffries is with us. He's back to recap the Bachelorette, as well as the Lady Gang.

Starting point is 00:16:13 Friends of show are back. Well, I'm sure we'll dive into lady stuff, I guess. It's a fun, fun group. I know we'll have a fantastic episode. As always, texting office hours. If you're listening Monday morning, send in those submissions. Ask Nick at castme.com. Ask with a K. If you're listening Monday morning, send in those submissions. AskNickAtCastMe.com Cast with a K. If you want to shoot your

Starting point is 00:16:28 shot, fly it with a friend. If you need some help drafting a text, we're here to help. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, my name is May. How are you? Good. How old are you, May? I'm 28. How can I help?

Starting point is 00:16:47 So I was just looking for advice on a situation that happened about two weeks ago with my boyfriend at the time. So he's no longer your boyfriend? Correct. Yes. What happened? So about two weeks ago, I was at his house and I was telling him that we were, my sister and I were FaceTiming and we were screen sharing because she lives across the country. and I was telling him that we were, um, my sister and I were FaceTiming and we were screen sharing cause she lives across the country. So I was showing her like his Instagram since she couldn't meet him. Um, and she was like, Oh, he's following a lot of people. Like who is he following? Um, so I looked and it was like all of these girls, like just thousands and thousands of girls. How many, how long have you been dating?

Starting point is 00:17:29 We've been dating since the end of April. We met at the end of April. It's recent. Yeah. He asked me to be his girlfriend at the beginning of July. So, but I guess I was just kind of like trying to bring something up that made me uncomfortable. So I was telling him like, seeing that you were like liking and following all of these girls that just made me like uncomfortable. And I haven't been like honest and open in relationships in the past when things bothered me, I kind of just would keep it to myself and keep going. So he was like, yeah, like that makes sense. Like I should probably like deactivate my account. And I was like, well, like well like I'm not saying that I just wanted to let you know that it made me like feel uncomfortable um I don't know if context is relevant in this but it's like it's like girls

Starting point is 00:18:15 in like lingerie like like all that kind of stuff like so he responded at least initially positively but he thought to solve this problem he had to like delete instagram yeah and i said to him i was like well that's not what i'm saying i just wanted to like let you know that it made me uncomfortable and kind of just like let it at that like i didn't want to get too much into it but i just kind of wanted to mention it um and he was like okay so then after i was like I did just want to let you know that like, I, I like you. And, um, I enjoyed like meeting your family. Um, cause at that point, like he asked me to be his girlfriend. I met his family, that kind of stuff. Um, and he just said, okay. So I left, um, he was like texting me when you get home, but I didn't. Cause I,

Starting point is 00:18:59 I was just a little like, um, I guess confused about the situation, like that I was like trying to be vulnerable and like open with him and, um, tell him that like, I guess, confused about the situation, like that I was like trying to be vulnerable and like open with him and tell him that like, I enjoyed spending time with him and all he said was okay. So then the next day I saw that he was still following more girls on Instagram and he texted me around like two. He ended up following more people? Yeah. So then he kept following more. And so at that point, I was really frustrated because I was like, I just told you it made me uncomfortable. And clearly, you didn't care. I didn't mean that he needed to. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:19:37 I just thought he maybe would have at least stopped following new girls. Sure, yeah. And so he texted me at like 2 30 that afternoon which normally he texted me like good morning that kind of stuff um and he was like how's your day going and i was like i said like two hours later it's been good and we haven't talked since but that was it no communication at all yeah that was that was it we haven't snapchatted So you didn't even break up? I guess not. Like it was just, yeah. So just to recap, you met a guy in April. So like four months, four-ish.

Starting point is 00:20:11 Four months. It's going pretty good. He was like, hey, I like you. Be my girlfriend. Had this been something that had been bothering you, but you just like kept it quiet because you didn't want to seem crazy or whatever it is? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:22 And I didn't feel like it was my place until like we were a little whatever it is. Yeah. And I didn't feel like it was my place until like, we were a little bit more serious. Yeah. And so he, he, yeah, he defined the relationship and you're like, Hey, by the way, like, I just want to learn from my past and I just want to express like some like, you know, insecurity about this. And you didn't go crazy on him. You just calmly said it. He acknowledged it, said, okay, that felt a little weird. He followed more people. And then like you like stubbornly didn't reach out to him hoping that he might validate you either way. He also just didn't reach out and you just haven't talked in two weeks.

Starting point is 00:20:55 Yeah, he didn't reach out. I know he's on dating apps too. He matched with one of my friends and she was like, we're not like super, super close, but she was like, she screenshotted him and was like, aren't you with this guy? And I was like, well're not like super, super close, but she was like, she screenshotted him and was like, aren't you with this guy? And I was like, well, I guess not now. Well, I'm sorry. That sucks. I think you just block them. Okay. That's what I was. Yeah. I was like, at this point, I don't see why we would contact each other, but I also didn't want to be like petty.

Starting point is 00:21:19 I'm glad that that was your idea. Right. And I'm just here to like validate that. I think that's good to block him because I think a lot of people in your shoes would have a lot of questions and would want to like talk to him, even if it was just to yell at them and be like, what the, you know. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:35 It's just not worth your time as you know. I mean, if he, I mean, following a couple thousand people is a lot already on Instagram. And if many of them are like very specifically like women in lingerie, then you ask him, he follows more people and he's on dating apps. Like this is, you dodged a bullet clearly. And it's not your job to try to psychoanalyze him. You didn't do

Starting point is 00:21:56 anything wrong. How are you to know? Like, I don't think you need to judge yourself or be like, how could I have seen this coming? Unfortunately, you can't always see it coming. And the good news is you only dated this person for four months and you found out pretty quickly. And it's a reminder to yourself that like if you had not asked this question, you'd probably still be hanging out with this guy. So I think this is just a really healthy reminder that you did the right things.

Starting point is 00:22:19 You handled it maturely. You've learned from your past. And so whatever you're feeling about the rejection of it all or whatever you're feeling, and I'm sure you're feeling a lot, but also you should feel a lot more confident that you prove to yourself that you are learning and you're giving yourself the tools to avoid these situations. We can't avoid them completely, but we can learn from our mistakes and we can like implement these tools to help protect ourselves, to save us from these long drawn out situations that situations that hurt us. Things that in the past we would have

Starting point is 00:22:49 let played out for a year, year and a half, two years. We would have kept ignoring our guts and making excuses for people and lean in out of fear of what it might say about us if we find out that, like, oh, we're dating someone who's been cheating on us. While you might be sad or hurt or frustrated, you should see this as a very positive thing. Okay. And as far as you're concerned, just block him. He clearly has shown you who he is, and that's not someone you want to date. And that's all the closure you need. Okay.

Starting point is 00:23:19 Yeah. And it reaffirms that you did the right thing to trust your gut. In the future, you meet someone else, something is bothering you, you just sayms that you did the right thing to trust your gut in the future you meet someone else something is bothering you you just say it like you did calmly empathetically but you still state what bothers you you see how they react and you critique their reaction there was part of me that um because that happened on a saturday like night and i was um and then like i said we only exchanged like one text on sunday and there was part of me that was like contemplating calling him on monday so do you think it was better that i didn't i mean i mean not at this clearly you didn't reach out because you're hoping he would and

Starting point is 00:23:51 there's like you know yeah but like you ended up being right i mean in the future you know like yeah you want him to reach out and like you know like obviously it sounds like maybe you were being a little passive aggressive or as Amanda would call it. Protest behavior. Little protest behavior. But it sounds like you're doing a really great job of not letting your ego make you think there is more to this story and you need more clarification and you need more closure than you actually do. He gave you closure. You just have to see it as closure.

Starting point is 00:24:23 And it sounds like you do. And that's great because a lot of people wouldn't see it as closure. Well, thank you. Yeah. I was just, I was just hoping that I handled it the best because like I said, it's hard for me to be like open and everything, but I've been doing a lot of work. Throw yourself a party for how well you handle this. I mean, it's not, this shit's not easy to do. We often don't learn from our mistakes. We often repeat the same mistakes. You didn't do that. You saved yourself time. So don't stress about the time or the four months you spent with them that you feel foolish about. Be grateful of the time

Starting point is 00:24:57 you no longer invested. Be grateful of the conversations you didn't bother having with someone who wasn't going to give you an answer that made you feel better and be proud of yourself. I was a big deal. I did that. Good for me. And it will definitely serve you well in the future. Well, thank you so much. That was really helpful. And I love your podcast. So thank you so much. Well, thank you for listening. Thanks for writing in. Of course. Thank you so much. Take care. Yep. Bye-bye. I love Osea. I love Osea so much. So the oil, I feel like is kind of their calling card. Like it's their show-stopping signature product. And don't get me wrong. It is simply fantastic. I love the oil. It's great for like moisturizing post-shower. It's great if you're trying to give a partner a massage and a rub down. But also their scrubs, their hyaluronic acid face serum, like the, oh, the ocean cleanser,

Starting point is 00:25:55 all of it. It all rocks. It has amazing like natural ingredients. It's like you feel fresh out of Malibu every time you use it. Also like the packaging is so pretty and it just makes you feel exactly like you're like of Malibu every time you use it. Also, like, the packaging is so pretty, and it just makes you feel exactly like you're, like, in Malibu. And if you, like, I lined all mine up, and I was like, I look like I'm running a spa out of my home. And I needed an additional component for my cousin's wedding gift. And so I was like, Osea, because it's, like, genuine.

Starting point is 00:26:17 It's something, like, nice and classy where, like, if I give it to someone, like, they will know I've put effort in with this gift. Absolutely. And I know they will enjoy it. Maintain your radiant summer skin during the fall season with Osea's Algae Barrio. Wow. She's maintaining her radiant skin. Feel that. I'll take your word for it. It's really soft, right? A rich, never greasy, luxurious barrio that fragrant with sunny citrus and notes of sweet passion fruit. Well, like the lady said, everything Osea is doing is fantastic. And also if you're based in Los Angeles, they have an amazing, gorgie, gorgie spa in Venice.

Starting point is 00:26:48 They do. They very much do. You can get facials. That include product credit, so that way you can take some of the amazing stuff they use home. And they have so many different types of facials, too. Also, try their Total Body Glow Kit. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:00 You scrub. Glow. You oil. You glow, girl. And you glow. Get 10% off your first order site-wide with promo code V-I-A-L-L. Oh, yeah. You scrub. You oil. You glow, girl. And you glow. Get 10% off your first order site-wide with promo code V-I-A-L-L. You'll get free samples with every order and orders over $50 gets free shipping.

Starting point is 00:27:14 You're going to want it all. So go to O-S-E-A, Malibu.com, promo code V-I-A-L-L. How's it going? Good. How are you doing? Good. What's your name? My name is jason and i'm 32 years old how can i help jason so i have a longtime friend and um i went to grade school middle school high school and even college with this guy so whenever we were younger we would hang out by playing outside sports or anything activity or anything active but then as we got older we were more involved with music movies and video games so that's kind of how we started

Starting point is 00:27:51 hanging out when we got older but then in college we didn't really hang out as much we kind of ran in different friend groups but whenever there's a break during school we would still kind of get together and hang out or if there's like a new movie that came, we would still kind of get together and hang out. Or if there's like a new movie that came out, we would try and go see it. So at the beginning of COVID, I started dating this girl. And about a year and a half later, we ended up getting married and buying a house together. But my friend doesn't know any of this. I wanted to tell him in person, but because of COVID and us trying to be safe, since he

Starting point is 00:28:27 also has an autoimmune disease, so we didn't really get together in person. Why doesn't he, does he know, does he know she exists? Probably not. Why not? I guess I just never told him. I wanted to tell him in person, but we just never got together. And I just thought that at some point we probably would have.

Starting point is 00:28:51 Did you have like a really small wedding? Yeah, very small. But you've talked with this person since. I'm assuming you have anxiety or fears about how your friend might receive this information. Yeah, I feel kind of guilty about all of this, to be honest. I'm just trying to put myself in your friend's shoes. Have you been talking with this friend? Like, how often do you guys still communicate?

Starting point is 00:29:11 So we communicated pretty recently. And the time before that, it was probably about six months ago. Okay. And so what your question is like, how do I tell them? Yeah, what's the best way to go about it? Because I'm sure he'll have some kind of potentially negative feelings towards me is my guess. And so what stopped you from inviting him to the wedding? I mean, how small was this wedding?

Starting point is 00:29:35 It was like 50 people. Okay. Well, it's not that small. It's not that small. But all I'm saying is it's like, it was 50 people. If I'm the friend, I'd have been like, can I have like 51? You know? If it was him, his wife,

Starting point is 00:29:50 and his parents... That's 25 for each side. No, no, no. I'm just saying... What if they have family? Listen, this is a unique story about two friends. You know, pandemic happened. Weird times. Friend has an autoimmune disease. He didn't get around to it. Didn't get

Starting point is 00:30:05 an invite to the wedding. Still doesn't know his wife exists. Yeah. If I'm the friend, I'd been like, so many people were at this wedding and I'd want to hear two. And then when I hear 50, I'm going to just go in my room and cry. All jokes aside, why didn't he get an invite to the wedding? Part of it was maybe because I was thinking with the autoimmune disease, I don't know if he would feel very comfortable. But the other part was, I felt a lot of the people that was on my side that I was abiding to, wouldn't really know him. And I kind of felt like he would have been the odd person out of the wedding. And I don't know if that would make him feel really uncomfortable or what, but that was kind of going through my head. Whereas I felt that some of the other friends and family that I was inviting kind of knew each other. Gotcha. And he was kind of the one person where he wouldn't really know like anybody there. All right. What's your wife think? She was really surprised whenever I told her this. You're like, you have a friend that doesn't know I exist? Yeah. And I think it's even worse because I even

Starting point is 00:31:10 told her about this particular friend of mine too. Here's my question. In these situations, whether it's a relationship or a friendship of any kind, the hardest thing to do, the best thing to do is to just truly honestly try to think to myself, if I were them, if the role was reversed, how would I receive this? If he got married and our relationship was the way it is where we talk as much as we do, and I just like found out that he had a 50 person wedding and then had the wedding, was married,

Starting point is 00:31:40 like just how would you feel? Let's not worry about who's to blame and we'll get over this, But like, how would you feel? And like, you just try to really put yourself in those feelings. Like, what are feelings you would feel? I like to think that maybe how I might feel would be a little bit different than how he would feel. And I think for me, I would feel a little surprised by the situation and also him not

Starting point is 00:32:04 telling me about all of it. But I don't know if I would really feel super upset with them or if I was, I'd probably get over it relatively quickly. I think I say that we might feel differently is because I think he considers me a closer friend than maybe I consider him. But you still care enough about this person to like worry about their feelings? Yes. Okay. And at the end of the day, like we're not 16 anymore.

Starting point is 00:32:30 So like, you know, when we were 15, we would like stack rake our friends. It's like, he was my best friends. And I'm like, he's my fourth, like best friend. And when you're an adult, you're just like, I don't know, I have friends. And like, sometimes you're like, I'm connecting with this person more.

Starting point is 00:32:43 We have more in common. I don't know, maybe we both like the same sports team. And I just happen to'm connecting with this person more. We have more in common. I don't know, maybe we both like the same sports team. And I just happen to be talking with this person more. Do I like them more than another friend? I don't know. They still might not be the person I would go to for a particular problem. This problem, I would go to this friend who I haven't even talked to in two years, but I know that I trust them. You know what I'm saying? Like that's how friendships are in adulthood. So I think the important part is you care about this friend enough to like be worried about their feelings there's no like easy way to do this so like would you have plans to see him anytime soon so we were texting a little

Starting point is 00:33:13 bit back and forth about jobs and um i was thinking about potentially asking him if he wants to get together um and maybe do something and then within one of the texts, he actually said, yeah, he literally used the word, I've been bored. So I don't know. That's also like an open door for me to try and help. I mean, listen, if you care enough about this friend, go catch up with a friend, man.

Starting point is 00:33:36 Like friends are hard to find. Who knows? Like you're 32, you said? Yep. You know, like fast forward 10 years, maybe this person won't be in your life or maybe they would truly be your best friend. 10 years from now, you might say, hey, man, like I couldn't be more grateful you were in my life. You have no idea how your friendships are going to evolve.

Starting point is 00:33:53 So like I'm a big believer in not burning bridges. So like take care of all the relationships you have in your life. It doesn't mean you have to hang out every day, but like go out of your way to take care of them. Like it's like what you're doing now, which is great. I mean, listen, you didn't tell them. Part of the reason you didn't tell them is because you wanted to tell them in person. Plan a mandate.

Starting point is 00:34:09 I don't know whether it's like, let's go get some drinks. Maybe there's a game, a common interest. Like I got tickets to something, whatever it is. It doesn't have to be a big thing. And when you sit down with them, you just name it. Like I got something really weird to tell you. I feel foolish and I'm gonna look stupid. So I'm just gonna tell you, here's why. And I think the real important part here is we hate it

Starting point is 00:34:28 when people assume, right? We want our friends and our partners to give us an opportunity to say no if we don't want to go and give us the benefit of the doubt, right? So we hate it when we are uninvited to things because we're being told that we won't fit in or that we can't, you know, belong. So I think when you sit down with your friend, you don't give them the excuse. You give them the explanation. Like I was just in my head and I didn't know if you'd have a good time,

Starting point is 00:34:53 so I just didn't. And I realize now that that wasn't fair to you for me to assume you couldn't handle it on your own or that you would feel left out. Like I didn't give you the benefit of the doubt. And I think you just saying that upfront will go a long way. If I sat down with you and I'm your friend

Starting point is 00:35:08 and you're just like, well, I just didn't like think you knew anyone. And my response would be like, I don't know, man, like I'm an adult, like just give me a chance. And maybe we both know I would have been awkward or maybe I would have sat in a corner and maybe I wouldn't have had a good time, but I don't want you to tell me how I'm going to be.

Starting point is 00:35:23 Like, just give me an opportunity to try to get out of my head and enjoy myself. So I think you have to like recognize and just tell him upfront, I shouldn't have done that. And I regret doing that. And if I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. But like, I just want you to know, like, I've been thinking a lot about this and it bugged me. And I don't know why I did this. I kind of fucked up because I do care about you as a friend and I kind of miss hanging out with you. And these are all things that's going to make him feel good, especially from man to man. Like we don't say enough to our friends, how much we care about them and how much we value their friendships.

Starting point is 00:35:54 Like women are really great at that. Men could be a lot better. And I think if you just say things like that, it'll help him get over whatever feelings he has towards not being invited to your wedding. Am I making sense? Yeah, I think that's kind of what was going through my head whenever you were talking. It's like, oh, I basically made a decision for him by not inviting him, by assuming that he wouldn't have fun or wouldn't know anybody or whatever the situation might be. We all get irritated when people assume things about us and when people tell us about us, especially with longtime friends. Like there was a time my buddy would

Starting point is 00:36:30 tease me about stuff he teased me in high school. And I think sometimes with friends we've had for a really long time, we don't evolve our perceptions of our friends because we value like we've known them our whole lives. We have to give our friendships and our friends an opportunity to show us that they have evolved and grown as humans. And sometimes as friends, we do a bad job of not allowing that because we just assume we know everything about our friends. I think it's the same mistake we can make in relationships of being like, well, I know everything about you. And we're always changing and we're always growing and we're always evolving. And when we give these people the benefit of the doubt and act curious about like new thoughts and new concepts and new behaviors that they have, it makes them feel

Starting point is 00:37:08 a little more seen and a little more noticed. And that makes them feel validated for whatever growth they might have worked on in their life. But I think these concepts like will play a role into like this conversation you have with your friend. Yeah. Thank you so much for, you know, giving me some advice on how to go about it and everything. Yeah, I'm really curious how this goes. Yeah, me too. So yeah, reach out to him. I'm like, hey, man, I'd love to catch up with you.

Starting point is 00:37:34 I kind of miss hanging out with you. Just really be vulnerable with him. Sit down, catch up, explain why, but immediately say why you're sorry that you didn't give him the benefit of the doubt. And the fact that it's been bugging you has really validated how much this friendship overall means to you. You know, you haven't been like seeing, you guys have your lives and you have mine, but just validate the friendship. And I think that will go a long way to helping him like get over this. Also like, let's hang out again soon. I'd love you to meet my wife, you know? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:02 And then like, she can tease you to him and like soften the blow a little bit, right? And like, and that will make him feel like he's connected to your wife. But definitely let us know once you have this conversation. I'm really dying to know. I'll definitely let you know.

Starting point is 00:38:18 All right. Well, hopefully this was helpful. Thank you very much. All right. Thanks, buddy. How's it going? Good, thanks. My name's Carly.

Starting point is 00:38:28 I am 38 and I live in London. How can I help, Carly? Okay. I've been dating a guy for exactly one month. We've been on six dates. I haven't got a clue where it's going or if I should know yet where it's going but my question to you is like when is the right time to have the chat I didn't ask him what he was looking for in the beginning so we've just been having dates and having fun yeah but yeah

Starting point is 00:39:00 that is my question I mean it's early right and I love that like on the first couple of dates, you didn't ask them where it's going. It's only been a month. If you never see him again, you had, you know, six dates that you invested in. The answer to this question for me is it just entirely depends on you. You said you're 38?

Starting point is 00:39:16 Yeah. Like as we get older, we get a little more anxious about dating and about like making sure we're not wasting our time. Ask yourself, am I just like anxious about wasting my time or am I really ready? Or do I like this person enough to care? I think that's the first thing you have to ask yourself.

Starting point is 00:39:32 How do I feel about this person? And try to separate worrying about if you're wasting your time or how they feel. After six dates and one month of, I'm assuming, talking, what would make you happy? I'd really like to be in a relationship, whether that's with him or someone else, I feel like I'm assuming talking, what would make you happy? I'd really like to be in a relationship, whether that's with him or someone else. I feel like I'm ready.

Starting point is 00:39:53 To me, when you just said that, I assumed that you would focus on him. And you said, I'm ready to be in a relationship with him or whoever else. That's great that you know that. So clearly, you're not sold on him. So just to let the plot thickens, I have a first date with someone else tomorrow night. Okay, great. Yeah, like we were this guy, we were chatting for two and a half weeks, every single day. I found it quite intense. We talked for hours every night on voice note and texting.

Starting point is 00:40:18 And then one day he didn't text me. So in that one day, I jumped back on Hinge and I organized a date with somebody else. Oh, so this is more of a reaction to something he didn't do. Definitely. Yeah, definitely. The person I organized the date with, I had seen just as I was chatting to him. So I was interested in this person, but I hadn't been talking to them. They were just like alike on Hinge.

Starting point is 00:40:43 So I went back and matched with them and started talking. Listen, I would love you to be less reactionary, but I don't hate the idea that you set up a date with someone else. I think if you see it as a way to like just kind of check yourself, you know, when we get excited about someone or something, we can suffocate it. And I think you setting up a date with someone else might just be a good reminder to say, I'm still single.

Starting point is 00:41:07 I'm ready to be in a relationship, but I really want to make sure that I'm investing in someone worth my time. You may be going on this other date with someone else, might just like calm your nerves or you're like over-reading something. Because my answer to the question is, when is the right time to have any type of conversations

Starting point is 00:41:23 around setting expectations or defining relationships is it all depends on how you feel. We never really think about this, but I talk about it all the time. You meet someone, you have a few dates, you like them, you get excited, right? Then you start like saying, oh, I like them. Then you get nervous and insecure about how they feel about you. And then you want to panic. So you want to define things, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Right. And in a climate where people are just casually dating and taking longer to define the relationship, it all depends on how you feel. You know, early on, you date someone, you're just like unsure you like them, you're enjoying to get to know them. But at some point, you spend more time being confused how they feel about you, or feeling insecure about how they feel about you, or confused about what expectations they

Starting point is 00:42:03 have about you, or confused the fact that like maybe you're sleeping together and you don't know if they're sleeping with other people. And when you start having these questions, you're totally valid for asking those questions or checking in. I'm not in the point in my life where I'm interested in doing something that doesn't like grow. And so you say that. So if that's how you're feeling, you don't want to overstate how you feel about them. I'm just checking it. Make sure you really want something with someone and see, go on this date tomorrow, see how it goes. Maybe it might make you think, I don't know, like, I'm not sure if I really want to get in a relationship with this other person. And I think as we get older, we sometimes will put too much pressure on ourselves to define something sooner than later out of fear of

Starting point is 00:42:40 wasting our time, out of like knowing that we're ready for a relationship. So let's just dive into one. I guess it just comes down to if you feel with any one person you're dating, that you're starting to get more questions than answers. That means you have to like state your desires and wants and see what they say. Because when we're dating, we want to start getting answers. Who are they? What are their interests? What's their character like? What do they like to do for fun? We're trying to get answers. Second date might be too early, but like after a month of six dates, I think it's okay to check in. If you really like them and say, I want to see where this goes. I'd like to get off to dating apps and see where this goes. What do you say? You make it sound so simple.

Starting point is 00:43:19 No, it's simple because I'm not afraid of getting rejected. Right. Well, it's simple because I'm not afraid of getting rejected. Right. You know, it's simple because like, I have no ego in this. It is that simple. You just have to like be okay with disappointment. But keep in mind, you're not sold on this guy.

Starting point is 00:43:34 You like him. You're curious about him. You're unsure about how he feels about you. And that uncertainty of how he feels about you is definitely playing a role in how much you think you like him. But the truth is, you really don't know yet. And there's nothing wrong with you still not knowing and still want to invest in him, but don't give him more credit than he deserves because it's clear you're not sold on him either. Yeah. We've had so much fun on our dates and he's hilariously funny, but like I can go to stand up for hilariously funny. Like I do want to partner

Starting point is 00:44:03 at some point. So I think go on this other date with this other person. And what a perfect opportunity is something you're not lying. If you're still feeling this way about guy one, maybe in a week or so, you just say, hey, listen, I love hanging out with you. If I'm being honest, I've been kind of also dating other people, but I've really enjoyed my time with you. And being on dates with other people has made me realize, I just want to see where this goes. I'd like to spend more time

Starting point is 00:44:28 with you. And I'd like to see if there's something here and just say that and see what he says. If he says, oh, I'm not ready for a relationship right now. How old is this person? He's 29. Okay. So he's younger. Yeah. That definitely matters. Like an age difference does like affect compatibility. It doesn't mean you can't date. It doesn't mean you might be more compatible with them than anyone else, but it still will affect your compatibility. You just got to figure out how. And when it does come up, you're going to have to be prepared to address it. Knowing that he's 29, I would check in a little sooner than otherwise. I go on this date to say, I went on this other date, I've been dating other people, but I like where this is going. And to be honest, like, I want to see how this goes with you. What do you have to say? If he says I'm not really in a relationship, you're going to ask more questions.

Starting point is 00:45:09 But like, I would see that as like a red flag with this person. You don't want to have to convince him. Definitely not. No, I don't want to do that. But at the same time, like, you know, if you play your cards right, you could definitely get him to chase you just because you played your cards right. So you got to be careful about that too. Yeah, he was a little bit, I asked him out, like it was our fourth or fifth date. And he was a little bit hesitant to commit to the date. He was like, oh, maybe I have work on. So I made other plans and went out with a friend. And then he messaged back to say, oh yeah, I can do tomorrow

Starting point is 00:45:44 night. I was out with a guy friend and my guy friend's like, do not reply. I was like, what? He's like, no, no, no. Like, wait at least a few more hours. Let him sit there and like, you're busy. And I just never would have thought to do that. I just would have replied straight away. So yeah, I mean, listen, it's always a bit of a game early on.

Starting point is 00:46:01 And sometimes we just have to be careful that we don't catch a fuck boy, so to speak, you know, because we play the game so beautifully that we get them to chase and then once they have us then they revert back to their fuck boy ways so yeah and i've been good at being a cool girl and i don't really want to be like i want to be myself now because i feel like i am ready for a relationship so yeah i mean listen men definitely mature emotionally slower than women there's exceptions to every rule but like find out who he is, I guess is my advice to you and just accept who he is and how he shows you and like how he responds to you setting expectations as part of him showing you who he is. Like that's another thing with

Starting point is 00:46:39 dating someone with an age gap. It's just like, you truly have to accept who they are. You're not here to mold them into someone you want them to be. You don't get to be like, well, I like eight of these 10 things and I'll just help him or her like work on the other. You just have to truly accept who they are and take the good with the bad. And in relationship, we help our partners work through our bad habits without them making a field judge. Then it's possible. Yeah. I'd prefer to be a mirror rather than a mom. Like I don't want any mom. I don't want to be nagging anyone. Yeah. So find out who he is by asking some questions.

Starting point is 00:47:09 Go on this date. See how the date goes. If you're still feeling how you're feeling today, then check in with him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you've really enjoyed your time together. You'd like to see where this goes and see how he responds. And just take his answer at face value. In a text?

Starting point is 00:47:23 In a voice note? In a text? In person? In a text? In a voice note? In a text? In person? In a poll? In person is always best. Okay. But, you know, I feel like a text in these situations makes it almost more formal.

Starting point is 00:47:36 And like you had to think about it and you were too nervous to ask. Like, hey, I was just wondering, by the way. And then they start reading in. And if they were nervous about like you wanting to find the relationship in their mind, they go, Oh, here we go. And you send like this, like three sentences that looks like a giant paragraph. Cause it's in text form. Like it can be a big buildup. You're not asking them to be your girlfriend. You're not asking them to marry you

Starting point is 00:47:56 or anything else. You're just saying, I've really enjoyed my time. And I'd like to see where this goes. Like, I want to hang out with you more and I want to see if there's something there. Great. That's all you say. Okay. Great. Don't make it sound like, hey, we need to talk. You know, like slip it in there in the middle of like something real natural and organic. Don't make it a big deal. It's not a big deal. But if this guy is just like, if you read his face where he gets a little bit of a panic on his face, then that should tell you something. And then if that's the response you get, you say like, I'm glad I asked. And you tell yourself, I'm glad I asked. Now I know. And honestly, if he like pulls back a little bit, just like, well, you know, thanks for telling me,

Starting point is 00:48:32 act super chill. And then like maybe start distancing yourself. And then if after he's like, oh, I haven't really like seen you, what happened? Did something happen? You just say, listen, no, nothing happened. It just seemed like you weren't as interested as I am to like see where this is going. And that's totally okay. But like, I'm just, I'm definitely not in a waste my time type of stage of my life. Oh, great. Thank you so much. Yeah. Just try to take your ego out of it. I'll try. It's simple for me to say because I don't give a shit. I mean, I hope for you to be happy, but I'm confident you're going to be just fine. Thank you. All right. Well, let me know how it goes. I will for sure. Thank you. All right. Well, let me know how it goes.

Starting point is 00:49:05 I will, for sure. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening.

Starting point is 00:49:12 Don't forget, Jim Jefferies tomorrow for The Bachelor Recap. Lady Gang on Wednesday for Going Deeper. Go buy my book. Please pre-order. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Starting point is 00:49:23 Throw my bone. Give it to a friend who's a little bit heartbroken

The Viall Files - E466 Ask Nick - Got Married Behind My Best Friend’s Back

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.