The Viall Files - E469 Ask Nick - He Divorced Me For The Nanny

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Today we’re back with another exciting episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re here again  to answer your questions about navigating relationships and situationships. Our first caller shares that she is having a hard time setting boundaries with her ex-husband since their marriage ended mostly due to him having an affair with their nanny, yet never admitting to it while they were married. She wonders how to move past this and be grateful for her new lease on life while also managing having to co-parent with her ex. Our next caller is concerned for her best friend as our caller finds her new boyfriend to be disrespectful of boundaries and constantly pressuring them both. She loves her friend and asks how to best support her while also telling her about her concerns while not pushing her away due to her distrust and dislike of this guy. Our last caller is very comfortable in her home town with family and a great job she's worked hard at. Yet, she wonders if she is just letting her life and opportunities for love pass her by in staying there versus moving away and trying to expand her horizons.  “It can be addicting to feel bad.” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Betterhelp: When you want to be a better problem solver, therapy can get you there. Visit http://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALLFILES today to get 10% off your first month. Canva: Design like a pro with Canva Pro! Right now, you can get a FREE 45-day extended trial when you use my promo code! Just go to canva.me/viall to get your FREE 45-day extended trial. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A quick update for you all because of the holiday week, we got some show programming changes. Monday, Ask Nick is going to be dropping same time. Enjoy your Labor Day. I'm guessing most of you will get to it on Tuesday. The Bachelor, because it's a two-night event, they have six fantasy suites to go through. Bachelor airs Monday and Tuesday, so the recap will air right after Tuesday's episode on Tuesday night, so that'll essentially be your Wednesday episode. And then going deeper, and we have a major announcement. Nate from Michelle's season, Michelle's ex Nate is going to be with us for Going Deeper. That's going to be dropping on Thursday this week. I don't think Nate's done many interviews. No one's really heard from him since the breakup. Certainly there's a lot of rumors out there. It'll be a chance to get to

know Nate and I look forward to it. Maybe he'll shed some light since the breakup. Certainly there's a lot of rumors out there. It'll be a chance to get to know Nate. And I look forward to it. Maybe he'll shed some light on the breakup. We'll see what he has to say about that. And then Friday, we are moving the special update episode of all things Ask Nick, texting office hours. It's a really fun episode. A lot of updates for you. I know you guys have been asking for it.

So excited to finally bring it to you. And again, if you guys like it, you enjoy it, you keep coming back, we'll make this a regular thing. So let us know what you think, but that's what's going on this week. Let's get to our callers. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another episode of The Vile Files Ask Nick Edition. I'm your host Nick, joined by Allie and Amanda. Happy Labor Day. Happy Labor Day.

Is that today? Yeah. Most people in America are taking some time off barbecuing and laying by the pool. We're here to labor for you. We are still churning out content. What better way to celebrate Labor Day than some labor? God, this summer went by fast.

And I feel like it's really just because we have just continued giving you all such great content all summer long. That's also because you live in LA. I just feel like we've been grinding. No, living in LA kind of zaps the summer. Yeah, it messes me up seasonally.

I feel like I don't get into rhythms of the year. Tomorrow could be Christmas. Whenever people are crazy for liking the Boston or Chicago winter, it's like, yeah, because it humbles you. And then spring comes, and it's like this whole cycle of mental health that you have to navigate and deal with. Yeah, you can like it now because you live in beautiful weather.

I've always liked it. I've always said that winter builds character. When you were walking around campus in February, wearing a sleeping pillow as a coat or a sleeping bag as a coat. You liked that? You liked it, yeah. Having 10 minutes to go out in the terrible cold and then sweating when you got inside.

4.45, pitch blackout. Yeah. Do I, well, first of all, they're changing daylight savings time long overdue, thank goodness. Second of all, do I enjoy it constantly? No. But do I like it overall as like a, I really think it builds character. Like I would not want to raise my kids somewhere where there's not a winter because I think it's something where if you don't get exposed to it young, you're never really able to assimilate to it. And I really do think it makes you more adaptable.

I think there's other ways to build a character. Detasseling corn is one of them. You're into corn, aren't you? Shoveling. Well, we have a great episode for you. If you want to pre-order a book, there's this cool book called Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday

coming out on October 4th. I signed 500 copies of them and get them while they're hot. If they are still available, Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday coming out on October 4th. I signed 500 copies of them and get them while they're hot if they are still available. I don't know if they are at this point because I would have already announced it early in the week. But either way, it would really mean a lot if you guys pre-order it. And I really think if you listen to this show, I promise you there will be a handful of helpful nuggets in there. It'll make you feel good about yourself and it will guide you down a path of a happier dating life.

I think, I don't know. I hate selling my book, but I really think it's good. And I really would mean a lot if you guys pre-ordered it. So there's a link in the bio and on my Instagram. Just go pre-order it. Just right now. Just go pause this show. Just come on.

And it's like the ideas that were born in Ask Nick have like grown up a little bit like this is them and like now they're young adults in this book so it's like if you're a reference i reference some stuff from the show in the book you know some of the callers you know like it's it's it's a fun trip like you're already a day one of this book so like see how it blossomed do it do it do it buy it blossoms. Do it. Do it. Do it. Buy it.

Pre-order it. And don't forget about obviously the fantasy suite recap. Big week lined up. Oh, and if you're listening right now. Monday morning. Monday morning.

Labor day. Labor day. You're not working. Come shoot your shot. You need help texting something on your day off. There you go. We are waiting here.

We're here. Working away. We are laboring on Labor Day. For you. Yeah. And you alone. Also, send your questions

to AskNiggaCastMe.com cast with a K. I want to also point out, I think it's very important that all of the people who call in are anonymous. Yes, they give their first names.

They're not their actual first names. Their ages are real, but we want to protect the identity of these people. With that said, some of you listening have some juicy shit

out there and some crazy ass stories and we would love to hear them and help you through them if you want. And just know that we don't want to show your face and we won't show your name. Hell, we can do whatever you want to protect your anonymity. So write in those stories. If anyone's been on the fence of writing in in just now we'll uh we'll protect your identity also if you are in a situationship and i know this might be a challenge but if you are someone

who's just like i've been dating this person for six months 12 months situationship i don't know why they won't commit they act like my boyfriend they act like my girlfriend etc etc you know this story i think it'd be a lot of fun and we can get you both to call in you know like kind of like a mediation but also like a uh you know, between me and you, the hopeful person in the situationship, we want it to be like a shit to get off the pot situation. We want you and them to be on the phone and be like, why are you still not hanging out? Why is this situation still going on? I want to get the answer from both of you. And I think that also could be a little, a lot of fun and entertaining, but I also think it would be helpful to you. So

if you're in a situationship, convince them to come on the show with you. Be like, I'll stop asking you to date me if you come on the show, whatever it is. So I encourage you guys to bring yourself and your situation ship on. Let's just try it out. I don't know how you're going to convince them, the person who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you

to come on a podcast to talk about the relationship you want to be in, but I think you can do it. I think you can do it and it'll be anonymous. Go under my book. Please, come on. Do it. Do it. Do it. And it'll be anonymous. Go under my book. Please, come on. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Let's get to our callers. What's your diary thing? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Pretty good. My name's Stephanie and I am 31. How can I help Stephanie?

So, it's kind of a long story, but background is I'm newly divorced. And the catalyst to my divorce was my husband having what I would describe as an emotional affair with our au pair, which is basically a live-in nanny. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. And we have four children. Oh, I'm sorry. That sucks.

Yeah. Yeah. It really sucks. How did you find out? I did a little snooping and saw messages between them when I was, you know, suspecting. How old is the nanny? She is 20. Well, now she's 23.

She was 22 at the time. How old is he? 31. Okay. Yeah. Who hired the nanny? I did. Sucks.

Yeah. Big regret there. Well, yeah. Okay. okay well i'm sorry that sucks yeah and did he ever own up to it no no he still denies that it was cheating but well that's semantics you had an emotionally intimate relationship with someone else so i don't know what else you'd call it he acknowledges that though at least he acknowledges that he hid their friendship from me okay well fuck intentionally he acknowledges that he hid their friendship what was like the hardest text message to read just for context? It was, so I at the time was working as a travel nurse. So I would go to another state like four days a week and I would only be home a couple days a week.

And I saw texts between them on a day that I was home and we were spending time as a family. And she texted him, I miss you. And he said, yeah, I miss you too. And when I confronted him about that, he said, yeah, I miss you too. And when I confronted him about that, he said, well, it's because we couldn't hang out because you were around. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals? Well, if there is, BetterHelp is here to help you find that happiness and help you achieve those goals. It's a tough world out there, and we often can get in our thoughts and create anxiety and stress, and that doesn't

make us happy. It kind of gets us down. And when we're down, we're not our best selves. And if we have goals we want to accomplish, sometimes they can get in our way. And while BetterHelp is helping change all that, you can start communicating with a licensed therapist, a mental health professional in just under 48 hours by going to BetterHelp. You take a short quiz, tell them what you're struggling with or what you want to talk about, and they will connect you with a licensed therapist that will fit your needs. And the best part is you can always switch until you find the right therapist for you. It's super convenient. You can do it anywhere, truly anywhere in the world, as long as you have internet service from your home,

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Whatever it is, BetterHelp is making it super easy and convenient and comfortable for you to get the therapy that you deserve. The best part is it's way more affordable than in-person therapy. So that's a bonus. Visit betterhelp.com slash vile files. That's better H-E-L-P and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. In fact, so many people have been using BetterHelp that they are recruiting additional therapists in all 50 states. Right now, Vilefiles listeners can get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash vilefiles. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash vilefiles. Canva designed like a pro.

I love Canva. We love Canva. Canva is making Allie and Amanda look like they went to Northwestern. is making Allie and Amanda look like they went to Northwestern. And it's like we almost didn't. And I think sometimes I always forget, too, of it's not just like stagnant or like paper or print things. Like they also have a ton of video elements. You can have moving graphics. I use them for the end of our TikToks for like the call to action.

The fonts are coming in and out. We have like the logo pop up. So it's not only things you can print and like put in frames, but also like moving graphics that you can add to your videos, to your websites, to everything. You get Canva, your birthday invitations, your holiday cards,

your truly any neat reason that you have to correspond with someone will be leveled up. Design like a pro with Canva Pro right now. You can get a free 45-day extended trial when you go to canva.me slash v-i-a-l-l. That is canva, c-a-n-v-a dot m-e slash v-i-a-l-l for a free 45-day extended trial. Canva.me slash v-i-a-l-l. That was probably the hardest one for me to hear because I'm like, you don't even text me that you miss me when I'm working in another state.

Okay, yeah. Yeah, well, I'll do it. So I fired her, obviously. She went to work for a different family in another state. I thought he led me to believe that their communication had ended. And I was ready to just, okay, we're divorced. I'm going to leave that in our marriage. Let's move forward. You know, friendly. It was a super smooth, quick divorce.

I'm like, I just want to be friendly, be on good terms for our children. He was still part of my family, all of that. Up until about a month ago, he told me that they are in fact dating. And not only are they dating, she is moving in with him. And so in like two weeks. So she just moved in a couple weeks ago. And he has my kids half the time. So I'm really struggling with how to move forward with my relationship with both of them. Being that they're going to be a part of my life like we have four kids yeah and I want to do what's best for my kids but I also want to

like set boundaries for myself and protect myself um you know at what point am I being petty by saying no she's not allowed to come around to things versus being like having reasonable boundaries for myself. And so I'm really struggling, struggling with that part, especially because my kids love her. Tough situation. Yes. Listen, I think the fact that you are even thoughtful about like worrying about being petty tells me that like you are miles ahead of where a lot of people would be in your shoes. Like this is a really shitty situation for anyone to deal with. And I'm sure it's really hard and you must be really struggling, but like you're really putting on a very thoughtful and like, even if it's your kids, not easy to do for all people.

So I think you should give yourself some credit. I mean, the fact that he admitted to you that they are now dating, like, it's like you did it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Like you outed yourself and whatever. It's water under the bridge. We're now divorced. I don't really need closure from you, so to speak. But my hope is that once he like stops trying to act all defensive or whatever you almost kind of have to kill him with kindness and what here's what i mean is just like i my hope is that he's not a total fucking prick and that my hope is that you can say to him is like listen if you're happy i'm happy but please just understand how difficult this is

for me to try to process. And if I have to like have her in my life with our kids over time, then so be it. But I'm really asking for you to try to empathize with how challenging this is for me. And it would really mean a lot if we could have some boundaries for a while because it's really hard for me to see you guys together and just see if he can just not be a fucking prick about it and just say okay i'm gonna try to like work around this for a period of time that's like eventually he's gonna stop and eventually she's gonna get more emboldened and she's gonna get more like well this is our relationship and she's gonna be she's gonna stop giving a shit about your feelings eventually but But hopefully they're not little fucking monsters

and they can at least not be assholes about forcing you to accept their relationship so fast. Yeah, which is basically what I feel like has happened. He is very good at making me feel like I'm the bad guy here because I'm not, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, as much as you can. Because if I don't want him to be happy. Let me ask you this, because here's the challenge in this situation.

The challenge in this situation is your ego doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of letting him know you care. But I think, unfortunately, for your ego, the most productive way to try to get your ways is to make him feel bad. Without anger, you like make him pity you like like humanize yourself yeah yeah yeah you know like what he did is a fuck if he doesn't feel bad about it my hope is that he does my hope is that he knows he did a shitty thing he doesn't want to acknowledge it because he's defensive and whatever but if you like amanda said like humanize yourself allow your ego not to like

poke the bear like for your own mental health just like fall on the sword and be like yeah you fucking hurt me i'm sad this is really hard to see like if you're happy i'm happy i want you to be happy but like truck can you just help me try to be happy too like if that doesn't like resonate with him yeah fuck you know yeah yeah but like unfortunately if you fight fire with fire it's going to be easier for him to not give a shit about your feelings and to prioritize her and and try to make you like the bad guy which you're not but like unfortunately in this situation like you know because you have kids you have to try to maneuver in a ways that most people would just be like fuck you i'm done i'm out i never you know like you know wash your hands of them and be done and unfortunately you can't do you have any leverage when it comes to custody no we split 50-50. Okay, yeah. And we didn't even, like, our divorce was, as far as divorces go, really smooth and easy.

Like, we didn't use lawyers or anything. We just agreed on everything and parted ways. And I think that's the other hard thing is because, so we started dating when we were 15. So he's always been like my best friend. Yeah. And when we divorced, we both agreed like, you know, we still want to be, you know, friendly as much close to friends as we can be. And we both felt like it was really amicable. And we agreed because this wasn't this was the catalyst for our divorce.

But there were other issues. We got married at and and we both agreed we were just better apart and so I was like in a really good place with him ready to move forward amicably and then this happened and so I'm also like mad at him because I'm like grieving because I'm like I can't have that relationship with you now. Would it make it feel better if he just owned up to what he did? Yeah, I think it would. And I've tried to get him to, honestly. And he's just like, no, no, it wasn't cheating. No one moves in with someone after dating for two months. Your relationship was built while we were married. But he just like no no and so that part has super frustrated me because I feel like you can't be sorry for something that like you won't admit you did and so I think it would help if you would just like admit it and actually express actual remorse

but he never will so I've given up on that yeah I wish I had a better answer for you it's tough I'm like already thinking ahead to Halloween and Christmas. He's probably going to want her to come around. Listen, you're going to have to see him. You exchange kids. You're going to have to see her at some point. But why are you hanging out with him? I think, I mean, when we split, we still envisioned, I guess,

we don't want to do alternating Christmas and Thanksgiving. We're still going to spend Christmas together and that kind of stuff. But I know that's ideal. This changes everything. For sure. Yeah, exactly. That's kind of my point. And you aren't the only parents who have been able to, you wouldn't, you won't be the only parents who could successfully raise their kids by having two different Christmases and two different households, you know, that's better than having a very tenacious and awkward dynamic and forcing everyone to hang out because your kids can't handle like Christmas Eve at mom's and Christmas day at dad's. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. So like, regardless of it's cheating

or not, he needs to, like, he must be able to understand the challenge of him now dating your former nanny. So like drop the cheating part, you know, like stop trying to get him to admit to him. Just say, listen, like you're now like dating my former nanny I hired, and now they're going to be a potential stepmother to my kids. That's hard for me to accept. And if I started dating your coworker, it might be hard for you too. And so can you at least just accept that that's hard? And just because it's hard, I'm not going to be able to do what we planned. And that's okay. Maybe we never were going to be able to. because you could easily meet a guy next week that triggers your ex-husband that makes him jealous. And that wouldn't shock me

at all. Just keep in mind, you were his best friend too, since you were 15. You have an incredible connection with your ex-husband and him having this new side piece nanny doesn't change that. It's new. It is exciting. I'm sure she makes them feel ways that you didn't for a period of time because that's what happens in a new relationship because you guys probably took each other for granted and all the things that happens in relationships. And maybe you guys weren't right for each other. You guys met at 15 and got married at 19 and had four kids and just made it work. And you probably are two different people. A couple of things where you can do is this again, try to focus on that because maybe you will be better off. You're still incredibly young. You got so much in front of you. Like this

thing is obviously really hard on the ego and it really sucks. And it's easy to want to feel embarrassed. But like when it comes to like what the community thinks, people are talking way more shit about him than they're talking about you. Yeah, for sure. Without question. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Not even a doubt in my mind. Even his buddies are rolling his eyes.

They think it might be funny and cool that he's fucking the nanny, but everyone's kind of not taking him seriously. And I guarantee you, he's also self-conscious of what people might be thinking about his choices. This is all to say that might hopefully make you feel a little bit better about just looking at this picture, because it's going to be very easy for you to be really hard on yourself and really kind of beat yourself down about how embarrassed you should feel and how

you can't show your face and all these very understandable feelings you might feel. But I think you really have to remember that he's definitely the clown in this situation, not you. And who knows? Maybe those two are meant to be, maybe they'll end up having a successful marriage forever and ever. I doubt it. Odds are it's a short-term thing. And if it is a long-term thing, eventually you just won't give a shit. Right, right. If I were in your shoes right now, my biggest goal right now would be to, I'm not going to let this affect the next 5, 10, 15 years of my life. This is not going to dictate my happiness.

This is his decision. It's a little embarrassing. I'm going to either learn to laugh about it or whatever, you know, shit like this, you know, certain people would let this like ruin them. I mean, you've, we've had like, I mean, a couple of weeks we had a caller call in about a mom who's like, you know, it was about a wedding. I don't know if you remember. And her mom was all upset because she couldn't show up. And it was like, you know, maybe she was upset that like, he fucked the nanny 20, 30 years ago. Right.

You know, like, don't be like, and you have the choice. And if I were you, I would be like, I'm not going to fucking be that person. Because at the end of the day, he made a choice that impacted you. But like, that was his choice. And he decided to do that. And minus like what you call embarrassment, it's really more embarrassing for him. And you still have a lot of life in front of you to like find a partner that really makes you happy and makes you feel appreciative and can be

a great like, you know, stepfather to your children and make your ex-husband feel jealousy. You know, like, I think right now the best thing you can do is just try to like adjust your perspective as much as you can to like, you know to not have the down days and not getting in your head, which are going to happen. And so when it does happen, don't put yourself up. Challenge yourself to not live in those kind of feeling sorry for yourself moments because it can be addicting to feel bad. it really can. That makes sense. I think that's kind of what I've been like trying to focus on the most is not letting his actions like have the power of disturbing my peace. Yeah, that's great. It just makes me miserable all around. In the short term,

I think you just try to have a, like an adult conversation with him and saying, regardless of what happened, this is obviously incredibly hard for me to like experience and live with. And if I have to like accept it over time, then I will. But right now, like I I'm not doing this, like we're all hanging out together thing. Yeah. Like that's not petty. I'm sure a lot of, a lot of parents talk about doing what you two talked about, but it's

like your exes, you know, and she's going to fucking hate it too. What you guys agreed on was, wasn't honestly realistic. So don't feel bad about saying no to it. He can be a parent when he has his kids. You can be a parent when you have the kids, you'd be cordial. You don't talk shit about one another, you know, and you give them that satisfaction. Be like, you listen, you're still their father. And it's really important for me that they respect you. So I promise you, I won't talk shit. I won't talk shit about her, even though it's really hard. Like I will respect that, but I need you to empathize with the fact that this is hard for me.

And I need you to try to like, not throw it in my face. I need you to try to not like make it harder on me than it is and give me some time and space and be gracious and like stop trying to like get him to admit something because i think if you do that he might be more willing to i mean you know the answer you know what i'm saying like yeah you know the fucking answer yeah you don't need him to admit it to be honest you know yeah everyone knows everyone knows he knows she knows everyone in the community knows They're all saying it. They're all talking behind his back. Okay.

Thank you. That's good. I think I need that validation because I know that then I think these things, but then I go and talk to him and then he makes me feel like you're being petty or you're not doing the best for the kids. What does he say? Give me an example of how he makes you feel like the bad guy. Well, like for me firing her, he said I was being selfish and I wasn't putting the kids first and that I shouldn't have fired her.

He says that now? That's what he said when it happened. Okay. Well, yeah, but let that go because clearly he's proved you right. Yeah. Well, yes. clearly he's proved you right yeah well yes and now he's saying you know yeah i should just accept their relationship and i should just be happy for him and he says if i don't let if yes and if i don't let her you know be a part of the because i resisted because initially he told me they were

dating and i was like okay well you can see her when you don't have the kids. Like she doesn't need to be a part of our kid's life. And that you can't do. Yeah. Yeah. You can't dictate what he does. I mean, I get, I totally get why you said it, but like, yeah, that's the thing is you gotta, you kind of almost have to be very strategic and just not, not give him any ammunition.

So when you tell him something he can't do that you have no control over that's giving him ammunition yeah so you just have to calmly just ask him to empathize with how you feel and that sure yeah yeah i have to accept it i will but like don't don't ask me to be happy for you please try to put yourself in my shoes like i know i literally did say that to him and he said, no, I'd be okay with it. Okay. Well, whatever. Well, and then to say, well, I'm not. So can you just try to like, why is this about me being happy for you? Can you try to like, you know,

you want me to prioritize your happiness. Can you try to, you know, help me out too? and at the end of the day it's real simple you know like you're their father and i trust that you're going to be a good father to them and do whatever you want but i don't want to hang out with you guys so i'll do my thing with our kids and you do your thing and let's promise we're not going to talk shit about one another to our kids but like i'm just not i'm not hanging out with you guys and i're not going to talk shit about one another to our kids, but like, I'm just not, I'm not hanging out with you guys and I'm not going to feel bad about it. Yeah, you're right.

I think it's, you know, it's just hard to realize that your family is not what you wanted it to be and keep trying to make that work. But then I end up like suffering. Yeah. You're talking about the idea of something, regardless if there's divorce or not, no family ends up looking the way people imagine it would. Every family has issues. There's tragedy, unfortunately. And you know, like you could be married and toxic or you can be divorced and happy sometimes. Yeah. And

that could be better for the kids. So like, you have to just try your best, not beat yourself up about like being sad about what could have been or what should have been, you know, like you got four beautiful children, you know, that a lot of people aren't lucky enough to have. You were able to free yourself from a relationship that by your own admission, like wasn't going the right direction. And at a very early age where you're still like in your prime and you can still go out there and you can date around for a while, even play the field, fuck some guys, have some fun, like live it up. You like, you know what, you've been with one person your whole life. And then around 32, 33, maybe you start like settling down and looking for someone who really makes you happy,

you know? So like start thinking about all the opportunities that this situation is going to bring you. And like, yeah, you can still be sad about things that didn't go your way, but like you can still be a great mother to your children. You can still have a really positive family dynamic and maybe truly is for the best. Like he embarrassed himself. He didn't embarrass you. Yeah. Yes right so just keep remembering that and honestly the fact that he is such a hard time admitting that is him admitting to you he knows he should be embarrassed because it's like he can't even acknowledge that it's so scary for him just to admit it because then he knows that like everyone like secretly laughing at him you fuck the nanny yeah you're right no that's good advice i need to do more of that just focus on

yes the good that is coming out of it and yeah it's going to be hard you're not it's not always going to be easy so like give yourself some grace but yeah there's good that can come from it and don't beat yourself up whether he fucked the nanny or not it was never going to be how you imagined all right all right thank you, you're going through this. Thanks. It sucks. But I look forward to hearing from you in a year or so. And you letting me know how positively your life has changed for the better. All right. Because I'm certain that if you have this mindset, it will be. All right? You're right. I believe it.

I believe it. All right. All right. All right. Take care. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye.

All right. Bye. How's it going? Good. I am Emily, and I'm 28 years old. How can I help, Emily? So I'm dealing with some friendship drama. Not drama, really, but I just would love your advice.

My best friend got out of a 10-year relationship two years ago now and she got into a new relationship about a year after her breakup of 10 years okay tail all this time him and i don't get along or i don't particularly care for him the new one and new one the new one um and i don't particularly care for him. The new one. New one. The new one. And I don't really know, like, is it my place to say something? I don't know. I don't know what to do here. What don't you like about him? So he doesn't really respect boundaries, both with me and her. Like, for example, I don't drink.

And every time I'm with him, he knows that and he tries to press pressure me to drink i say no doesn't stop kind of so that's personally like it's annoying yeah yeah it's like i find it a little disrespectful and then with her um I know he has like pushed some sexual boundaries with her that I know she had pretty set and he didn't really respect those. She like, I don't really know how much. I mean, you're anonymous. So like, it's really just saying she didn't want to do anal and was very against that. And the next time I talked to her, she was like trying to be very nonchalant about it. And they'd done it.

And yeah. How did she feel? But like, just to be clear, she consented to. Totally. Okay. But just from the experiences I've had with him knowing that he's like are you combining like his pushiness for you to drink versus his pushiness to totally totally at the end of the day as long as she consented to it you know and like yeah hopefully he didn't

pressured like i mean i wasn't there yeah does she say she was pressured are you just assuming she might have been pressured because you know he's annoyingly pressuring you to drink i mean i think that's a slippery slope for you to assume totally totally agree i just and i also know how she was a hard no on it prior and i know she'd said no to him in the past unless she tells you hey honestly i really didn't want to do it. He really made me feel bad. He really pressured me. Well, then I'd be concerned. Yeah. And she kind of avoids the subject, to be honest. Does she avoid it because she knows that you don't like it? Or is she just uncomfortable talking about anal sex? No, no, no. She's very comfortable talking about sex in general I think she I don't know I don't

know she probably is trying to like cover for him or not you know I don't think she wants to make him look bad she loves him and I don't know I just I don't know at what point do you do you say something as a friend I support her fully and I love her and I just don't want they it they jumped into it very very quickly and like when I ask her what she likes about him pretty much all she says is like she likes his job and she likes that he like validates her but she doesn't really say things that she like qualities about him that she actually likes okay I don't know what to do. Has she ever asked you? No. Okay.

Yeah, I don't think it's never really productive to, it's not going to help your friendship for you to let her know that you don't like him. You have to be a little more covert. Yeah. And I've said to her, it doesn't really matter whether or not I like him or not. I support you and I just want you to be happy. Does she know you're not the biggest fan? I mean, I'm sure we're very close.

I'm sure she can like read my energy, but I haven't like outright said I don't like him. I don't feel like that's my place unless I'm asked. Right? Yeah. Listen, every relationship has its challenges. How long has she been in this guy for? A year.

And she thinks they're about to get engaged. And that's kind of why I'm calling because i feel like it's like yeah um and yeah well if she thinks she's about to get engaged it's still tricky because depending on her mindset you don't want to be a buzzkill you know if you think there's a right time you could have the old like call it the best friend talk where it's just like, I just want you to be happy. But like, obviously, this is a big step. So it's like, let's just like talk through it to make sure like this is your forever person. Okay.

to be in a relationship where you truly feel loved and you truly feel like you have a partner and you truly feel like you're with someone who you feel seen, you feel heard, you can get through conflict. And if she says he does all these things, you know what I'm saying? You just kind of go through down a checklist of important qualities that you want for her to have in a relationship. know i think it's great that he has a job and he can provide but you know if that's a priority for you just want to make sure that you guys have those things and if you do then i'm happy for you i think you have to challenge yourself to make sure that while he's not your favorite that might have anything to do with their relationship like other than this anal situation and the fact that he annoyingly

doesn't respect the fact that you don't drink. And even though she can articulate some things that convince you that she likes him, is it possible that, you know, he's just not your favorite, but at the end of the day, she's happy and he's a pretty decent boyfriend.

I mean, yeah, totally. But I, is he going to be like a life partner is what I just get. I just like, yeah, totally. I just, I think it's hard when you have, I saw her be devastated from her last breakup and it's kind of seeing her like replicate that. It's just, I don't know. It's hard.

It's hard to see someone you love, like go through it. And from like a bird's eye view, you know what I mean? Like she's so in it that it's hard to like, how do you think she would respond to you having a girl's eye view. You know what I mean? Like she's so in it that it's hard to like. How do you think she would respond to you having a girl's night and you, you know, prefacing it by saying things like, listen, if you're happy, I'm happy.

I support if you're happy. I know that engagement's around the corner and I just wanted to like chat with you because I love you so much. Let's talk through the relationship and make sure this is the right for you because I think you deserve the world. There are so many men that would just be, are dying to be with you type of thing.

Right. Yeah. And I've tried to have these conversations before. Like I've tried to be like, Hey, can we talk? And she's, she's pretty avoidant. And then if I do see her in person, it's typically with him. So it's kind of like. Yeah. It's tough. You have no actual reason to think that she's not safe. For sure. Yeah. Yeah think that she's not safe. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. And she's an adult. Yeah.

And just like trust her intuition and just kind of like keep my nose out of it kind of thing. Kind of. I mean, I guess like if she gives you a window, you can try. Just know that there's risks, right? She might get upset with you and it could fracture the friendship that you have and she might push you away. And listen, if I thought my friend was in danger, then I wouldn't care about how, if they were mad at me, I would just say what I needed to be said at the risk of them being frustrated at me. But you just have to ask yourself, is it just, he's not my favorite and she's happy? You're not her mom or her dating coach or her life coach. If she's not asking, it's tough to remind her that she is

making similar decisions for herself that she made in past relationship. And she's not learning as much as she could or should, you know, that's for her to figure out. How old is she? 30. And I think she's feeling the pressure of 30. Has she said that or you're just assuming? Yeah. No, she said that. She's like, well, I'm 30, like, and we've been dating for a year. So I think it's time. Well, I think if she says stuff like that, that's a window for you to say, listen, again, if you're happy, but you're too wonderful and too eligible a person to settle regardless of their age. I'm not saying you are settling, but when you say things like that, it implies that you're willing to settle.

And I would hate that for you. If she says that, that's a little bit of a window for you to just check in and reinforce without bringing really him up, to just reinforce a mindset that you want her to have. I empathize that you're in this 10-year relationship and you got into something, but these are just two men we're talking about in a world full of them. So I just want you to be happy and I want to make sure that you are choosing who you want to spend the rest of your life with, that you're just not being chosen because you're 30. And you could say that, even that comes with risk, but yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. that's super good advice so to me i don't know in the context which she said that but to me that is that could be her like internal self

if you will acknowledging that she has some reservations about this relationship but you know her fears of being alone or you know that's possible so like that would be a chance to maybe ask a few questions you know that's not the time to be like, oh yeah, good. You said it. I fucking hate him. Break up. Like you don't say that, you know, and you more make it about her mindset rather than about him. You just make sure that she really believes in herself and you validate her. She clearly likes validation. So validate the shit out of her when you do this. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I think I get worried that she like is so afraid to go through the breakup stages again that she's not that she's just like you said like she's just

settling for this again like did he break up with her the first one um no she did because she didn't she wasn't getting the validation but it was kind of ongoing and she actually while she was with the new boyfriend when she was drunk once she told me was like, I'm still in love with him. Have you talked to her about the fact that like, it just bugs you that he doesn't respect the fact that you don't drink? No. Why do that? I mean, that's a legitimate gripe. Just be like, hey, not at the end of the world.

But like, Matt always is like, you know, I don't drink. It's just like, it's fine. I understand he wants to party. It just makes me feel like he doesn't respect me. And I want to have a relationship with, you know, your, your boyfriend. And do you say it nicely? And yeah, I mean, if nothing else, maybe she can just talk to him and he'll stop doing that. Right. Okay. It's a justifiable reason to be annoyed. And it's a way to like politely let her know that like, I find that annoying and therefore I find him annoying. I don't want to be annoyed by the person you're with so could you like that's a

me thing too like i don't want it to be i don't want it to be like but you have a right to like yeah i mean it's just annoying after a while yeah yeah oh yeah it's totally annoying every time he shames you because you don't drink it's yeah shut the fuck up yeah yeah yeah totally you know and she should be able to like understand that and she does sometimes she's like no she's good like she doesn't drink like reminding him for the 50th time so i mean you have the right to say to her like listen i i thank you by the way for always like standing up for me when you're around but can you just ask him to stop because i don't it makes me kind of hate him because it makes me feel he doesn't really respect my choices and i don't want to feel that way

say that bring this up see what conversation with her i don't want to call her up just to say it if you can help it right do you guys ever have to get together for girls nights can you just like moved she moved across a couple states So now it's like phone. I see her every once in a while. He reached out to me like, Hey, like, I miss you. Like, how about you come visit me? And like, we'll have like a girl's weekend and set something up and make it totally about that.

And don't be, have it be the first thing you bring up, but that could be like, it could be a nice weekend for her to like check in with you, check in with her and tell you miss her. And then just if it comes up organically, just kind of use that as my in. It doesn't have to be organic. You'd be like, hey, can I just ask you something? Can you just ask? He does this.

Okay, okay. Next time I see him, I don't want to like, can you not bug me about that? Okay. If you say that, then see if she gives you another window. Yeah. Love that. That's awesome advice. Thank you.

It's tough. Yeah, because. Yeah, it is tough. I love her. And I love her and I just simply want the best for her. And it's just a weird situation. I don't know how to navigate it. I think address the thing that's actually bugging you with her, which is a valid thing and see where that goes. Okay, cool. But you might find when she visits that she actually is, in fact, really happy. And you bring this up and she's like, yeah, you know what? That is annoying. I'll talk with him and make sure he doesn't do that in the future.

And you're like, okay, thank you. And then maybe the next time you see him, he says, hey, I'm sorry about doing that. Like I was kind of disrespectful and I shouldn't have done that. And that would probably make you feel good if he does that. You know, who knows? Totally. So I think address the actual problem that you're having with him and see if that changes your perspective.

And also see when you address it, if she opens some doors for some doubts that she seems to be having about the relationship and use that as an opportunity to ask more questions and validate her. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Cool. Awesome.

All right. Thank you so much. All right. Let us know how it goes. I will. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. All right. Okay. Okay. Awesome. Thank you so much. All right. Let us know how it goes. I will. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. All right. Bye. How's it going? It's good. My name is Brooke and I am 26 years old. How can I help Brooke? Okay. So I've basically lived in the same place all of my life. Um, I went away for college, but it was only like two hours away. So I could basically lived in the same place all of my life. I went away for college, but it was only like two hours away. So I could basically drive home anytime I wanted.

And then after college, I got the opportunity to get my master's degree at a smaller university where I'm from. And so I did that and I've worked my way up within the university. And I'm finally like at a job that I really, really love. And so basically what I'm trying to get to is like, I'm very close with my family. All of my siblings have gotten married, had babies, and it's been nice because my mom's parents passed away recently. And so it was nice being here for that. But it feels like a lot of the times that I'm standing on sidelines, like cheering them on and watching them all get married

and stuff. And I don't know if I'm just, I'm not unhappy where I'm at at all. I love my job and I like being close, but sometimes I feel like maybe I just need to move away or maybe I'm just comfortable and content where I am, or maybe I'm just fearful of it. I'm not really sure. So I know that you can't make this decision for me. I just like an outsider's perspective because of course my family's going to all tell me to stay here. They do. Not all families are like that, but they are pretty... You've had these conversations with them about these thoughts and feelings or anxiety that you might be having? Kind of. So there's more to it. Not really relationship-wise, but it is kind of a smaller city. And of course,

I grew up here. So I know a lot of the people already here. I've dated around and whatnot. But specifically, there's one person that is from here that no longer lives here, that I've had kind of like a texting situation ship with for like two years now for almost two years yeah he's like texting like you you guys ever like what have you hooked up we've never hooked up I mean we've made out on occasion but I've only seen him like once a year these past two years because he's training um in the navy okay and so um he's actually my older brother's best friend and so that's why it was always that situation do people know about it yes everybody knows about it um and we talk about pursuing something but at this point we've been talking

for like two years where you know like who knows exactly but like it sounds you know he's off doing his thing he's exploring the world maybe he comes back but like you have truly no idea yeah and I think we have that agreement that's why we just kind of text it's like I'm not gonna we're not exclusive so I'm not gonna tell you not to go on dates, but like we always will have each other to like lean back on. And I'm like, I've talked about this with my family. Like maybe I am just kind of in a different life stage as everybody else. And not that I, I am totally okay with like third wheeling with like my married friends and everything, but sometimes they want to be surrounded by people that are in their life stage. And so when I talk to like my family about it, my dad's like, why don't you just follow wherever and move wherever you want? But I truly do love my job here. And I don't know if I could find one like this and I'm kind of introverted.

So I don't know if i would be comfortable enough to step out and meet people how close are you to like major cities i'm in the south the closest big city um is probably like like big city is probably like five hours away. Okay. You have a lot of friends who live in other parts of the country other than Navy Boy? I do, but they're all also married. But it would be different kind of in a bigger city, I feel like. I just don't know if I would still step out and go meet people where there are more single people, just not my friends. What about your job is irreplaceable in terms of what you do? So this is kind of the job that I always wanted to have. And I am very young for my position,

which also kind of adds to the insecurity because everyone is married with kids in my position as well. You're just around a bunch of older people. because everyone is married with kids in my position as well. You're just around a bunch of older people. Yes, basically. But it's just the job that I always wanted. And I've worked my way up within this school to where if I move somewhere else, I don't know if I would look the part. I have my network here, and that's kind of how I got my job here.

And so that's what makes me nervous, but I could potentially try it out somewhere else. I just, I'm just comfortable here. There you go. You have a good relationship with the people you work with because you are, you're only 26 and I get, you know, you're introverted and you're comfortable, but like, you know, having been someone who's at times, like I can relate to the feeling you have, not necessarily specifically, but like eventually why I moved because, you know, I was a little older than you are now. And it wasn't specifically about this job. And I had the benefit of, I was working in sales. So I felt like I could

find a different sales job in other cities. So like, that's not quite the same, but just the feeling of being like, well, everyone got married and I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend at the time. So it was like, I need to, you know, change things up because they're all, they're kind of going a different direction than I am. I always say to people in your shoes, like you can always move back, you know, and you have this obviously dream job, which makes it a little harder, right? Because it's like, you're actually giving up something if you move. Most of the time in people in your shoes, it's hard enough because, you know, they're moving, they're leaving friends and family to the comfort of their community.

They're going to a strange place, not knowing many people, having any friends, add the fact that you're a bit introverted to the equation makes it that much more challenging. So even without giving up the dream job, it's not that hard to spin it as a very like, I don't know if I could do this, you know, type of thing. Yeah. I guess what I'm saying is I never would have gone on The Bachelor if it weren't for the people who I worked for at the time being really supportive of the fact that like, hey, we think you're great, but like, you should chase this. And if it doesn't work out, you have a home here, you know, but we get the bigger picture. And I was really

grateful for that and i'm just wondering do you have the relationship as much as they might hate to lose you do you think there are people where you work where you know nothing's guaranteed and things change but if you came back in a year or two after giving it you know a shot and and you just missed home or maybe you and Navy boy started talking and he's like, I'm moving home and you guys fell in love. I don't fucking know. You came back and said, I'm back. You know, I don't know if you get your same job, but could you work for the same place and then maybe have to invest a year to get back to where you were, you know? And I guess what I'm saying is now, like, you're the youngest people in your profession.

That's great. That's something to be proud of that you've really done done that and i'm sure there's a sense of pride and people are proud of you and you're doing great things but would your life be horrific if you were in the same place that you are now four years from now but in between those four years you moved to a different city tried new things and maybe you had didn't advance your career like you could have been like well have i not moved i'd be making a little bit more and have a slightly different job but what I did gain is you know whatever adventure you took however it went you know good or bad yeah and it just might be something to consider I always thought of moving as someone who grew up in Milwaukee had a large family I was always reluctant to like leave my younger siblings I had a great

group of friends I had all these reasons of I was very comfortable. I had fun. I enjoyed where I lived. And it always seemed daunting to move. But once I did, I remember being like, that wasn't that hard. At least even the move of it all, right? And then I have introverted aspects. I do like going out. I'm not that introverted, but like I definitely have some strong introverted characteristics. And, you know, I was lucky enough to find a job where it was fairly social. And that was a prior for me. Like I worked from home. It was awesome. My boss lived in Kansas City. I do it kind of whatever the fuck I want. As long as I got my shit done. Amazing. Good money. But I wasn't meeting anyone. I wasn't interacting with people. I didn't feel like I was like getting like good coaching and I didn't think I was advancing my career. So when I got a job,

I wanted to get a job that was in the office. I wanted to get a job that had more people my age who were young professionals. And that was awesome. And I found that and it was great. And I'm really glad I did. And so while this might be a great job, there's definitely might be opportunities out there that you also just as like, it might be a great job, there's definitely might be opportunities out there that you also just as like, it might take a little bit more work. It might take longer than you want, and it might not go the way you want, but I'm certain that if you do do it, you'll be glad you did. When I decided to take some risks without any answers, I came back to the thing that really has stuck with me ever since I moved. If I bet on myself, if I do

things the right way, if I work hard, if I'm willing to do the extra work, you know what I'm saying? I'm not going to get it perfect, but if I respond to failure well, what are the chances of me getting what I want work? And that was just like, I'm just going to bet on me. I'm going to be willing to put in the work. I'm going to be willing to go through whatever laws of loneliness or sadness. I'm going to push myself. And if I do that, what does this look like? Am I willing to do that? And I was, and it worked out.

It sounds like you have some determination. And where you've gotten to this point in your life is based off of what you were able to do. And if you're able to apply that same mentality and work ethic to other aspects of your life, my guess is it'll work out. How it will work out, I don't know. And it won't be without disappointment and failure along the way. But my guess is you can always come home and you can always put in the work to get back to where you were. Yeah, I definitely agree. And I think that's why I did write in knowing you, because I knew you grew up in Milwaukee and then moved and you've mentioned you're an introvert. And so that's why I figured you'd have

good advice, but that's kind of what I tell people like that. I don't really have a specific required reason to stay, but I also don't really have a reason to leave. And so that's where I'm always like, if I don't do it, I feel like I'll probably always have that. What if? You have reasons to stay and you have reasons to leave, right? And enlisting at what those are, I think will really help you. And your reasons for stay are obviously family, friends, comfort, the job you love, right? Reasons to stay is, well, these are all great. My personal life, my relationships in life, I feel like there's not the opportunity that I could be out there. There's a sense of adventure I haven't really given myself. And these are all really important things. I want to like

look back on my life and know that I did that, even if it's for the experience alone. And that can be something gained. And then you figure out, well, what is the cost of maybe doing that? Well, the cost is discomfort of moving, missing family, you know, quitting a dream job. But like, could you maybe get that dream job back down the road, especially if you worked harder? Could you find a different version of this job through some extra work, you know? And maybe that requires like a part-time job. I don't know. Like there's a cost to everything. And you just have to ask yourself, am I willing to put in the work or am I willing to do you know and maybe that requires like a part-time job i don't know like there's a cost to everything and you just have to ask yourself am i willing to put in the work or am i willing to do the extra work am i willing to like accept whatever the cost comes with these decisions in my case it was very

much worth it you know and i was definitely willing to put in the work and i never went home Yep. Yep. I think talking it out is much better for me. But I think in my life now, being the youngest one kind of in my position, I am very satisfied with that side of my life to where now I'm so ready for what all of my siblings and everyone's doing that I feel like I might need to step out. And yes, I can always come back. There's something in your gut that's telling you this. For me, and everyone's different, but I never wanted to be the biggest fish in a small pond. Every time I felt like a big fish in a small pond, I try to find a new pond. That's a good way to look at it. That's just me. Not everyone's the same. There are plenty of people who like being the big fish in a small pond, and that works for them.

And that's great. That was just never me. I don't think that I'm a big fish here at all. I think I just know all the fish. Sure. But I guess what I'm saying is like, you know, where you're at, like, it sounds like, you know, like I'm sure there's people who are like pretty impressed by you and, and, and brag on you and, and, you know, you're really impressive. And here's this, you know, young, very talented, hardworking woman. Who's like, you know, we're probably trying to get set up with all these people. And, you know, I, you know, you're really impressive. And here's this, you know, young, very talented, hardworking woman who's like, you know, probably trying to get set up with all these people. And, you know, I'm not saying like you walk outside and they're rolling out the red carpet. But it sounds like at this point in your life, that sense of accomplishment, like it's like you have everything. But what you don't have is also so important, you know.

And so you have to. important. And so you have to, it's like that fear of giving up on all these professional things that you accomplished in school and you work so hard. And it's like, I've done everything I wanted to do and I've accomplished that. But take that work ethic that you applied to where you got now and apply it to other aspects of your life. And I'm guessing how you got to where you are now wasn't always easy and it had its challenges and it had its ups and downs, are now wasn't always easy and it had its challenges and it had its ups and downs, et cetera, et cetera. And that will happen. And at 26 years old, do you want your toughest challenges behind you? That's kind of boring, you know? Yeah, exactly. Like I know when we're younger, it's just like you don't want to feel poor and you just want

to have that comfort of like what you see older people have. But like, I don't know, sometimes I miss it. So just enjoy it. And if you feel challenged, I encourage you to seek out that challenge. Yeah. Yeah. I think writing in just proves to me that there's something within me that wants to go. So I appreciate all your advice. Yeah. It's great. Between now and then, make sure you're really cultivating relationships at the place where you're working and always get a couple allies and mentors, people you can keep in touch with,

especially from back home, because you never know. Don't burn bridges. And I think it'll all work out. Yeah. Yep. Thank you. Yes.

I appreciate it. Well, in a couple of years, let us know how it goes. I'll just write a book and send it your way. Update us every now and then on how things are going. Perfect. All right. Thank you.

All right. Take care. Bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at AskNikkiKastme.com. Kast with a K. We'll see you tomorrow talking about people having sex on a reality tv show or not maybe they're talking i don't know see how it goes bye