The Viall Files - E472 Ask Nick Update’s Special Episode

Episode Date: September 9, 2022

Welcome back to The Viall Files! Today we have a special “where are they now” update show where we bring back some of our previous callers and get an update on what happened after they called in for advice. We first cut back to their initial story and question, the advice they got, how they took the advice and what they learned from the situations they were in. Our first caller reached out to get help shooting her shot with her hot chiropractor, wondering how to be direct in a sticky situation. After revealing in her update that it did not go as she hoped, she talks about what she learned and dives into her new prospects in love. Our next caller wonders if his friend is gay after the friend continues to make flirty advances. Worried that he would ruin the friendship by saying something, our caller wonders the best way to approach the subject. After revealing some new information, our caller checks back in with us to talk about how their friendship has continued and recaps the big conversation they had. Our last caller called in originally after she found out that her boyfriend is actually married with four kids. Feeling that they had a strong connection but getting judgment from her friends, our caller wondered simply what to do. She calls back in to update us about how things have changed. We also read some great updates that past callers wrote in and shared. We get an update from our caller who wondered how to share to her mom that she got tattoos, an update from our mediation callers that were debating if they should get a dog together or wait until they moved to NYC, and our caller that wanted a courthouse wedding while her boyfriend wanted something grand. To catch up on all of these callers original questions please see the show numbers:   Original Episode numbers for callers: Episode Number: 440 VF Team Solo 436 Ask Nick with Morgan Absher - Men Are Emasculated by Me! Episode Number: 397 -Ask Nick - My Mom Gave My Friend A Handjob Original Episode numbers for read updates: 439 Ask Nick - Help My Ex-Husband Start Dating 444 Mediation Ep Special 448 Ask Nick - I Want The Courthouse He Wants The Big Wedding “Accept who he is.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Figs: FIGS believes the awesome humans in healthcare deserve awesome scrubs to match. Head to http://www.wearFIGS.com and use code VIALL to get 15% off your first order. Article: Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit http://www.article.com/VIALL and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. Brooklinen: Go to http://www.Brooklinen.com and use promo code VIALL to get $20 off your purchase of $100 or more and free shipping. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Figs makes 100% awesome scrubs focused on design, function, and comfort. Ridiculously soft, proprietary four-way stretch fabric, moist wicking, anti-wrinkle, anti-odor, up to 20 pockets on some styles. Listen, if you're in the healthcare field and you're not wearing scrubs, get with it. And if you have a loved one in the field, get them the perfect gift. Get them scrubs. They will always need new stylist scrubs. Figs is making awesome scrubs all the time with new colors, new styles. And

it's a gift that anyone in the healthcare industry will gladly accept. And especially in the healthcare industry, they're probably hard people to shop for. So get them, just keep getting them fixed. They're fitted, they're soft, like compared to what they have on hand at a hospital, they are night and day different. Head to wearfigs.com. Use promo code V-I-A-L-L to get 15% off your first order. That's W-E-A-R-F-I-G-S.com. Promo code V-I-A-L-L. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to a very special episode of The Vile Files. The update episode. Do we call it updates?

Let's call it the update episode. I don't know. It's an update episode. Special day of the week. It's our fourth time this week. You're welcome. Hope you enjoy it. We've been asking for updates from our callers. We've been getting a bunch, and we're trying to pick just a handful to share with you. We have some people

calling in, share some updates. We'll read some emails. We have some flashbacks. It should be a fun episode. I hope you guys really enjoy it. If you do, we'll keep doing it on a regular basis. And if not, we'll do it once in a while, I guess. But let us know what you guys think of this. If this is something you want to see more on the regular, to hear people's stories and get more follow-ups and follow people's journeys. They work through their struggles. Anything, ladies, you got going on

and want to share on this special occasion? I was going to share a nice email we got. Okay. Okay. I just feel like it fits very well with the updates hearing from our listeners. This is from natalia who lives in mexico city i want to go to mexico city right i know maybe natalia will host us

maybe we can go visit okay but the email says i've been listening to the vile files for over a year now and i wanted to thank the three of you you guys truly make me a better version of myself all the talks and the experiences of each of you have taught me a lot. I've learned not how to treat others, but most importantly, how to treat myself. So thank you. I have never been the best at treating myself well, but throughout you, I think I got to the conclusion that I most of the time go first, that I'm allowed to feel, chase, love, draw my boundaries and also to feel heartbroken. So thank you. All of this stuff has shaped me into another different person. Every time I listen to you guys, I learn something new, something that helps me become a better version of myself. Nick, I thank the internet I found you. I can't thank enough to the vile files for making me so happy.

Allie and Amanda, thank you for sharing your experiences with us. You guys make my days, and I feel that I can be a friend to you. The audience, thank you for sharing part of your story. Most of the time, it resonates with what I'm going through slash have gone through. Thank you all. Nick, thanks again for being a little but still part of my life. You should be proud. With all my love, Natalia from Mexico City. Mexico City. Alright.

You're so sweet, Natalia. Delightful. What a lovely name, Natalia. Yeah. Yeah. Really pretty name. Is that like Spanish for Natalie? Or is it just a totally different name? I feel like it's Italian, right? Fuck if I know. Insert ad Really pretty name. Is that like Spanish for Natalie? Or is it just a totally different name? I feel like it's Italian, right? Fuck if I know. Insert ad from Babbel.

Alright, Babbel. Thank you, Natalia. That was sweet to read those. But really, we thank you guys for all the people who have written in and called in and shared their stories and their updates. It's nice to know that we have this community of people who listen to the show, whether it's just for entertainment or whether you get anything out of it. It is rewarding to hear that people

will A, enjoy this show, but more specifically, that some people find it to be beneficial to their personal lives. Speaking of trying to be beneficial to your personal life, whether you could be entertained or maybe get some helpful tidbits,

my book, Don't Text Your Ex, Happy Birthday, you know, helpful tidbits. My book, Don't Text Your Ex, happy birthday. I know I bring it up again. It's available for pre-order and it would mean the world if you haven't yet to go ahead and pre-order that book, whether it's for yourself or a friend or a loved one who is going through it in a relationship, or maybe you just want to just a helpful reminders. It's a fun, easy read. It's something just you can page through it. You can read it chapter by chapter. You can read the whole thing. I honestly think you will be pleasantly surprised and it would mean the world to me if you guys gave it a shot. I promise you, you will find something that you can use in your life and will make you feel in more control of that life and

your choices. I promise. So link in our show description to pre-order the book or check it out on my Instagram. We'll share links that'll allow you to buy it online for the same price as Amazon, but you can support local bookstores, which is always fun. Well, however you want to get it, if you want to pre-order it, I appreciate it. So I guess let's get to our updates.

Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. I would like your help with asking out my chiropractor on a date. Ooh, tell us about this back-breaking hottie. Yeah, I'll give you some context. It should be quick. So I started seeing this chiropractor as a patient back in march and i was referred to this practice by a friend so i didn't know anything about the practice or the doctor and so i first walked in set the stage were you like were you immediately taken back or was this like a slow slow build oh no like i'm waiting in the private room for the consultation to start

and he walks in. And he's so fucking hot. I was very flustered. And we were going through my health history. And I was getting very bashful. I was like, this is private information. Let's say you get rejected for whatever reason. Yeah.

Are you still going to go to him? Of course. I don't care. I mean, I don't mind being rejected. I don't necessarily want to do it in the open area where everyone is there. You might as well get adjusted by a hottie. Exactly. Yeah.

Then yeah. To Allie's point, there might be lots of reasons why he can't. But yeah, I think you slide. Yeah. Shoot your shot. Might as well. I think it's something like good news, bad news. Bad news is I think I might need to find another cairo

but the good news is i know this cool place i want to take you for drinks yes yeah that's a really solid wow that's a good one well done i'm gonna send it ready yes go three two one sent we're excited to find out what he says. I just want her to be able to deliver that hands on, on me line. Oh my God. It's I hope I can send that one.

All right. We'll see. Thank you guys. Let us know. Good luck. What's going on? Uh, hi,

I'm Christina. I'm 30 years old. And last time I called in, I asked for help asking my chiropractor out on a date. And you got the date. Well, I got a response. You got a response. From the text.

Yes. Because we were on the impression like he responded like it was like we said. We said good news, bad news. That was the framework. Bad news, I have to find a new chiropractor. Good news, I know a really great place. I want to take you for drinks. And he responded pretty quickly.

Like, what's the place or what's the great place you were going to take me kind of thing, right? Yeah. Well, first he said, I'm sad to hear you have to find a new chiropractor. And then he said, what's the place you want to take me? Or where's the place you want to go is what he said. And I suggested a wine place. And he never responded to that. I just gave the location. I said, it's a really great wine spot. I said the name of it. And then he just never responded. A couple of weeks went by. I didn't want to follow up. I didn't know if I should,

I was sort of debating it, but I ended up not saying anything because I had another appointment scheduled. So I thought I'll just go in and figure it out in person. And then I ended up getting COVID. So two more weeks went by. At this point, I'm like, he's not even like, I didn't know what was going to happen. So I ended up going in maybe two or three weeks later. Were you like pretty nervous? I was nervous. Yeah, I was nervous for this one, just because he didn't respond. But it was a little confusing because it seemed like he was interested. But then he just went dark. And I didn't know what I was really getting myself into. So I walked in, I go to the adjustment table, he comes in, he says, hi. And he's like,

okay, face down. So as I'm like, gonna go face down on the table, I say to him, I don't know why that sounds funny. All right, come on face down. I know. So as I'm kind of like going on the table I said so I take it you're not a wine guy and he he kind of plays dumb at first or maybe he forgot but he was like what do you mean and then he goes oh wine no I he's like I really like wine it's just and he kind of went low with his voice and he's like I have I have a girlfriend And I said, oh, you didn't say that. Your response didn't say you had a girlfriend. And so at this point, he's adjusting me and I don't say anything else because my head is on the table. And he said something to the effect of, yeah,

she was really not happy about that. It was your fault? Yeah. How are you to know? I don't know if that's what he meant. I mean, about that like it was your fault yeah how are you to know i don't know that's what he meant i mean that was really confusing like he made it sound like you like sent him a nude unsolicited right but also or like you you posted a bikini photo on your instagram and he like commented and liked it right none of this is on me i know i don't i don't know she really didn't like that well yeah i would you should did what did you say would have been like, yeah, I guess I wouldn't have liked you responding to me in the way you did had you had a girlfriend. Yeah.

I wish I said that. I didn't. I was a little flustered. I don't know. Yeah. Hard to process in the moment. And I also, I think in true woman fashion, I'm pretty sure I apologized. I was probably like, oh, I'm so sorry.

That sucks. I'm sorry you had to apologize. No. I'm sorry that you were made to feel like you had to apologize. That's okay. I said, you should have told me you had a girlfriend. And I said, I'm sorry if I crossed a boundary. Obviously, I wouldn't have asked you for drinks if I knew. And he said, it's cool. We're cool. He gave me a fist bump. And then that was it. Do you still go to him? I do. Yeah.

And I actually am in a relationship now and seeing someone new. He knows that. So yeah, we talk about that. How did you meet the person? Like you're like, you've defined it. You're like, we're in love. We're not in love, but we're in a relationship. He's my boyfriend.

I met him through volleyball, actually through a friend. And yeah, he's great. Great. Does through volleyball actually through a friend and yeah he's great great does he does he know about your chiropractor no he does not i mean if he asked i would definitely share it was before we dated yeah that's like one of those weird things it's just like do you bring up like by the way like are you still gonna fuck my chiropractor i'm kidding yeah um do you do you want me to still go to him you want me to still go to him? Do you want me to still go? But like nothing happened. You had a crush on a guy and there was no... I mean, I can still acknowledge that he's attractive.

Like that hasn't changed. He's still an attractive chiropractor. But yeah, I just... All right. Well, you're in love. That's the moral of this story. Yeah, weird response by him. Weird response, for sure.

It was misleading. But but i mean the good news is your text worked so you're still whatever your track record is yeah the text did work i guess it got a response yeah couldn't he yeah he's like where's the place you want to go it's almost like he was accepting like yeah let's go he could have just as easy been like ah like he could have been like i'm not sure my girlfriend, or he could have been like, can my girlfriend come? He could have been playful like that. And then like, but hopefully you'll still be a patient or something. I don't know.

He definitely had options that didn't need to be. I mean, he could have literally just said, hey, I'm so flattered, but I have a girlfriend. He didn't even need to be cheeky. He could have just been honest. Yeah, he could have just been honest. But even if he wanted to be cheeky, he could have been cheeky because it seemed like he was replying thinking he was being cheeky. I guess that's what he was doing.

Well, my girlfriend really didn't like that. Yeah, I mean, she didn't... Don't be a sleaze. Yeah, don't respond to your patients on instagram and accept their drinks i don't know right because there's no world in which if you were dating someone and you saw that they got asked out in that manner and their first response was what he wrote i'd be fucking i'd be pissed yeah i'd be more than i i think we need to break up i know and also now that I know he has a girlfriend,

I think it's interesting that he accepted my friend request. Oh, you're a patient. Was that after or before? That was the first thing that happened, was before I asked him out, I friend requested him. I don't know. We can be friends with people. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't have a problem with accepting a friend request. It's more just a response. Yeah. I mean, I follow people who like come on this podcast you know what i'm saying like who are guests and you know they follow you oftentimes i'll start following people they'll follow you know like i have a lot of women guests like and i just end up following them and that's the extent of it but right that's true so you being a patient like whatevs yeah it's just the response was confusing. Well, you did nothing wrong. And I'm happy you are in a relationship. So congrats.

Thank you. All right. Well, thanks for letting us know. We appreciate it. Yeah. I appreciate the help. Hey, anytime. Either way, it sounds like maybe this all led to... How did you meet your guy? Volleyball. Volleyball, yeah. Who asked who out? We kind of just started hanging out after volleyball, going to get food.

And usually there's a big group of us, but we would kind of break off just us two. And he asked me to go to dinner once. Actually, the first date I wore sweats because I didn't know if I wanted it to be a date. So I showed up in sweats and he looked at me. He asked you to dinner. You're like, I don't know if I want this to be a date. So you're like, you know how I'm going to like make sure it's not a date. I'm going to wear sweats.

I was like, I don't. Well, it was like a very. What do you mean sweats? Are we talking like cute leggings that like still look good? Are you, are we talking like sweatpants? That was a sweatshirt and shorts. Are we talking joggers or give up pants? Yeah.

No, it was like sweatshorts and like a sweatshirt. And I had my makeup and hair done, but I really wasn't sure what impression I wanted to give because I wasn't sure how interested I was. So the moral of the story is like, I mean, if, if, if things don't work out for Nellie and I, and I start dating again, and if a girl shows up in sweats, I know that she doesn't want it. She's not sure if she wants it. It means she worries out. Yeah. She has makeup, but sweats. She's like, she's not sure about me. I mean, it's just something. Good to know. I do.

I don't know. I just wasn't sure what impression I wanted to make. Is this track or is this unique? Would you do this, Allie or Amanda? Would you be like, you know what? Sweats. I think it's a real power move to show up casual to a date. Or just like maybe wear like two different shoes. You know, you're just like not sure. I just look a little bit like, oh,

is she okay? Does she know what's going on? What kind of restaurant was it? Oh my gosh. It was Italian, but I didn't know that. It's like a nice restaurant. You show up in sweatshirts. So during the date, I actually did clarify. I was like, is this a date? Did you think this was

a date? And he was like, it can be whatever you want it to be what did you think it could be well it wasn't like you're gonna talk about like volleyball strategy no i agree though i went on the first day with my boyfriend i didn't know sometimes you don't know sometimes you're like okay are we vibing i don't know if we're vibing in this way or a different way but he asked you to dinner but dinner's different yeah last minute it was like hey do you want to grab a bite to eat later? Yeah. That's confusing. That's not like, hey, I'm staying in solidarity with you. Thank you. That's not like planned out ahead of time.

It wasn't pre-planned, thought out in advance. Like, here's the time. No, I hear you out. Okay, I hear you. I hear you. Like, we're volleyball friends. I get food with volleyball friends all the time that are guys. Yeah, I've asked friends to dinner, I guess.

Okay. But yeah. And then I got COVID and I missed him a lot. And that's when I knew. All right. Well, congrats on love. I feel like it's love. Thanks for calling.

Yeah. Thanks for having me. All right. Take care. All right. Bye-bye. Brooklyn. And the weather may be cooling down, but Brooklynlinen's labor day sale is here to heat

things up home of the internet's favorite sheets brooklinen is kicking off their site-wide labor day sale just in time to save big on their award-winning bedding and towel bundles what more can i say it's amazing it's awesome everything they have is wonderful soft affordable stylish and cool they have new colors new styles all the time. Their loungewear is the most softest thing you can put on your skin. Their sheets are the softest things you can sleep on. Their comforters are also amazing. And the best part is they're so affordable because they cut out the middleman. This is a stylishly cool brand. It's like hip, it's trendy. 100,005 star reviews, 100,005 star reviews. The other 999,000 people also agree with me.

What are you waiting for? Head to Brooklinen today to save on high-quality home essentials this Labor Day. Listening after the sale, you can still save. Visit brooklinen.com and use promo code VILEFILE, that's V-I-L-L-F-I-L-E-S, for $20 off plus free shipping on purchases of $100 or more. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Promo code V-I-A-L-L-F-I-L-E-S. You got to have Brooklinen. I don't know what more to say. Just go to brooklinen.com and you're welcome. I know you ladies out there want to redecorate. I know it. I know you do. It's that time of year. It's fall. You just like, you want to clean everything out. Then you want to make it perfect.

It's in your DNA. I think when God made ladies, they're like, you're going to want to redesign things constantly. And you're going to, right? It's just, it's a gift that God gave you. It's like an annual nesting period. Yeah. So help yourself out and go to Article because Article has so many cool styles, so many things to choose from. Their mid-century Scandinavian industrial

and bohemian designs are cool, stylish, and awesome. I've always gotten complimented on my Article furniture. It's comfortable, it's cool, and your bedroom is one of those places you always want to outfit and get something new, and they have amazing new bedroom stuff. Article offers cozy beds, swanky headboards, and a ton of lighting options to help you set the tone in that bedroom of your dreams, or just you need a new bedroom. Don't ask your man's permission for, you know, saying, hey, we should just decorate it. Just do it on your own and have him thank you later. Article is the easiest way to make your space look beautiful. And like I said, they cut out the middleman and make it super easy and fun to shop. They make returning things you

don't like, which almost never happens. Super easy and convenient. All in-stock items are delivered in two weeks or less. You save up to 30% over traditional retail prices. So, Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit article.com slash V-I-A-L-L and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's A-R-T-I-C-L-E dot com slash V-I-A-L-L for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. So I recently met someone who joined my group at work this last fall. And I found him like really attractive off the bat. We like definitely hit it off.

But at the time, like he was dating someone he was dating a girl and so like it was just very platonic we go out for drinks like maybe once every few weeks once a month um and then this come this summer I'd invited him and his girlfriend to come with me and my friends um on a trip away for the weekend and he actually asked if just he could come and I was like yeah sure um come to find out him and his girlfriend had broken up and it seems like within the last like three weeks our like relationship has like very much changed and like we text all the time I see him about three times a week we'll go running together um but I have no indication of like if we are truly just friends if I'm like feeling like an emotional

void or really what the situation is like I've had some cues from him but I can't fully read it and so you're just trying to figure out if you should make a move I'm in favor of going on the trip, not doing it before, maybe trying to like make a subtle move or like just try to see if there's a moment. Don't force it too much, but just feel it out.

Feel it out. And depending how the trip goes, after the trip, if it goes really well, then I think you do exactly what Morgan said. We just say, can I just be honest with you?

And I'm sorry if I got this wrong and and if and if you don't feel this way it's totally fine our friendship means a lot to me regardless but i i just gotta say it and and ask and um see what he says welcome back jack thanks for. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it. Yeah, good to talk to you. So last time we talked with you, you were shooting your shot with a friend who you didn't know if they were gay or not. And you had an upcoming trip. And did we say you should maybe bring it up before the trip?

You guys said either bring it up like the last day of the trip or after the trip. Talk to him about it. Okay. I was the only one who was like pro before the trip and everyone else was like, no, because the trip's going to be weird then. Yeah. Yes. What happened? Okay. So like a week before, because we had talked like a few weeks prior to the trip, a week before he went on a bachelor party, he's texting me like the whole time over the, like kind of felt like a spouse,

like he's on this bachelor party, like I'm back at home, like he's sending me like the whole time over the like kind of felt like a spouse like he's on this bachelor party like I'm back at home like he's sending pictures of his friends and I remember I woke up on Sunday and there's just an upside down smiley text at 2 a.m and because I hadn't responded his last text I was like oh he was thinking about me when he was drunk so like going into it I am hyped so the trip's coming up I get a spray tan like I'm doing everything to like look my best and then and we're texting, all the time leading up to it. And then the day before the trip, he tested positive for COVID. So he couldn't come. So I was pretty, I was pretty devastated, honestly.

So my sister was, like, she was coming on the trip. So she's, like, you need to be even more flirtatious with him. Like, he's giving you all the signs. So I was, like, okay. So I started to get more flirty on the text. Like, I'm really disappointed we can't go on on this trip. Like maybe there's another time, like the two of us can go on a trip. And when I like said that, he said, I may ask this girl out. I may or may not. It worked that I like have had a crush on. And I was like, whoa, like my heart was

like in my stomach. So I was like, he's given me a lot of signals at this point that. Yeah. I got to say, I'm a little confused myself. I, yes, I, I love my guy friends, you know? And, and I, and even like, even as a man to a heterosexual man, I'm, I'm expressive, but I don't do this, you know, I don't go to a bachelor party and I'm like not sending like upside down emojis at two o'clock in the morning and like giving them a play by play of the evening. Like, you're right. That sounds like, sounds like something you'd do with your girlfriend. I mean, even most, well, we were talking about this a few weeks ago, but like, you know, a lot of straight men are terrible at like texting with even their girlfriends.

And this guy is just blowing you up. Exactly. After he said that, I was pretty pissed off, honestly, and like hurt. So I just like stopped texting him back. And then he just like kept texting me like maybe like right like 20 minutes later, then an hour later, then he was sending me stuff on Instagram. Then he's texting me again. And my sister's like, oh, I think he was testing you. And like he's like freaking out now because at this point he's like communicated like four or five times like over the course of like five hours. And so just like how's the trip?

Like what was going on? Like he's trying to change the subject of other things because I just never responded to that text about that girl he said he was going to ask out. Okay. So like after like a couple hours, I was like, okay, he's kind of like sat in his stuff for a while now. Like I've kind of like sent a message like don't do this stuff. I don't know if you're testing me, but don't do it. So then he starts texting me back right away. Throughout the rest of the trip, we're texting the whole time.

I get back on Sunday, we FaceTime for two hours. And during that time, he talks about that girl again, and she has a boyfriend. So I was like... Wait, you got on the time and FaceTime for two hours? Yes. I'm so confused. I know.

Oh, it gets even wilder okay so then yeah we're just getting into it so then um i'm like okay it a girl that you work with that has a boyfriend in no world are you ever gonna ask them on a date so i was like i don't know what that is but like it's strange whatever so things kind of go on where it's time to get up. So at the backtrack, he first said, there's this girl I want to ask her out. And then you found out he knew that she had a boyfriend. Yeah.

It's like, okay. Which I was like, I know, A, he is never that type of person to do that. But B, most people would never do that. It's not worth all the risks associated with it. Yeah, yeah, for sure. So then time kind of goes on and like it's getting to the point, like I need to say something,

like it is driving me insane. Like I feel like I'm taking all of his message, like signals he's giving me like one way or the other. And so I'm just very like up and down emotionally. And it kind of lands with, he's going to go on this trip. He invited me to go. And so we're going to go hiking together.

It ends up, it's just going to be the two of us. We're going away for four days. So I'm like, oh, this is the time. Like, and so during the trip, we get there. He still is kind of cycling through talking about that girl. And then now he's talking about a girl that he got coffee with in the office and like how him and this girl are going to lead to something. And it was just very weird because at the same time,

I felt like I was getting really like flirtatious signals from him. So like the first night we're there, he's talking about this wedding and like he wants to ask this girl. He's like, should I ask this girl that I got coffee with as a plus one? And I was like, no, you've met her once. Do not take someone to North Carolina. Yeah, that's bizarre. Yeah.

And he goes, well, I could take you. And I was like, really? I was like, yeah, I'd totally go. And he's like, okay, cool. Like, we'll bizarre. Yeah. And he goes, well, I could take you. And I was like, really? I was like, yeah, I'd totally go. And he's like, okay, cool. Like, we'll figure it out. So then I'm like, okay. I'm texting my friends. Like, I'm jazzed.

I'm like, I'm going to be his plus one to a wedding. No straight guy is taking a gay guy to a wedding. It begs the question, and if there's more of the story, but like, you know, everyone's kind of coming out journey is different, right? And I know we live in a time where being gay is far more, you know, socially accepted, but nevertheless, like you still hear stories of adult men, depending on where, you know, how they grew up or pressures from family. Like, is it possible? He's just like struggling with

his like sexual identity and just maybe is afraid, boy, this sure sounds like a guy who likes you, is into you, and maybe just struggling with the truth that maybe he is attracted to you in this talking about women or girls he likes that have boyfriends that he has a crush on or people he has coffee with. None of that's adding up. I i know of people you know who have you know like tried to like women try to date women try to even pretend they have crushes but at the end of the day they're just like fighting a feeling is that possible with this guy or like have you thought that or yeah for sure he um like he worked at a bank right out of college and i feel like he's always idealized this like wall street like relationship

like sure yeah I mean you know the stereotype like he definitely like very much talks about that so I I've always wondered if for him like the word identity I feel like is really strong because it's like he wants this certain type of identity all right so anyways you get invited to a wedding yes so then things are leading up to the last day I know I've got to tell him like this last day. And he kept, he keeps bringing up this girl, the one with the boyfriend. And he had texted me about it previously. I forgot this part, but he had texted me about her and I just didn't respond. Like kept talking about other things.

And then he like replied back to that message he had sent a few hours prior and was like, I can tell you don't approve of this. Like he called it like his homeworking crush. And I was like, no, I don't approve of it. And he was like, is there a, is it because like she has a boyfriend? I was like, yeah, that among like other things. And he's like, what other things? And I was kind of like, you know what it is. Cause I feel like at this point it has to be so obvious that I like him.

And he knows you're gay, right? Yeah, exactly. It's like what, you know, I have plenty of gay friends right and we go out to dinners and we hang out and like there's like there's a love there right but like if i were doing this with my gay friends yeah it just doesn't matter it doesn't make sense yeah for sure so we get to the last day and at this point too he one of the other things that i've looked back and i was like that was actually pretty strange was you had me like feel his underwear because he's like the, these compression shorts I've had forever.

They're really soft. I was like, Oh, okay. So I like felt them, but I was like, I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy.

I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy.

I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy.

I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy.

I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. I've never had a straight guy. or we've like complimented her. Like, it's like, we know we're joking, right? Like, we know I'm straight. We know they're gay.

There's like, even with my straight friends, we'll like, oh, you're like really hot today or something like that. It's like, you know, we're, but like, this is different. Like, I've never kind of like, hey, just feel these shorts. Like, man, they're really soft. Yeah, exactly. Okay. So you feel, he has you feel his, you feel him up.

So then we're in the pool and he brings that girl up for the 40th time. And he, again, is like starting to press me on like, he's like, do you not like her? Like, what is it? And I was like, no, I've never met her. And he was like, well, like, what is it? And I was like, you know what it is. And like, finally I say like, it's because like, I like you. and I don't know if this is like a friendship or more than a friendship and he was like it's just a friendship so then I was like I like was pretty emotional about it because I was

like I feel like I'm crazy right now like and so I was like I need to explain why I felt the way I did and why I've acted this like taking these steps because like sure I've had a bunch of straight friends and I've never gone down this path before. So we kind of like walk through the different scenarios that like, you and I have talked about is like things and make like signals he sent me. Sure. But that's kind of where like things really landed. And where are we now? So are we still friends? Yeah, we're still friends, but like, but how did, how did he respond to you kind of laying out very justifiably thinking hey like i have straight friends it's like you know like you like i'm assuming that

you were like i'm assuming like some version of this conversation you were like listen i have straight friends and it's not like you're some you know you're a gay guy who like anytime like straight guy compliments you you're like oh he must be gay i should you know like you're not doing that right he was giving you very like very specific things and like and doing things that just aren't typical and any platonic friendship between i guess men i don't know like yeah what did he say to that reasoning his big reasoning overall was that like i'm just i don't keep a lot of close friends or yeah like i have a handful of close friends so when I invest in someone, I fully invest in them. And it is taken as flirtatious.

And then he dropped this on me. He said, this is not the first time a gay guy has told me they like me. You mean this is not the first time he's let on a gay man? Yeah. Yes. That's better for me. There it is. I think something's up with this guy.

Yeah. Yeah. that's better for me there it is I think something was up with this guy yeah so since then we've stayed friends but like the and he said like I'm not going anywhere I'm still gonna be the same person

like cause I was feeling insecure about like it changing our friendship but then looking back on his like times going on at the same time

I'm kinda like well like there was some things that like we don't need to be as close of friends that's my question is like you know i'm

not saying you need to cut this guy off but do you like you're not crazy from where we sit yeah and now it's like okay you have a pattern of doing this and you're not crazy like again you're not you're not some like young person who like is reading into everything like oh they are obsessed with me and they're like i don't know man like I think they just said hi you know yeah you know that's not you yeah he was tickling your shoulder like he was doing the photo too like remember we were looking at the photo where like they look like that's not being like a good friend that's flirting right and he said which at this point then so then we start going into some of the stuff and he said like yeah i kind of figured you liked me i would bring that girl up because

it'd make you like uncomfortable and i was like yeah but like that really hurt me like every time you would bring her up like my stomach would drop and he was like oh like i didn't realize that so it kind of got to the point too where i was like i feel like this is a little bit like just immature and like i felt like he was grasping out of maybe the attention or like the chase of like getting me to like like him i don't know but i haven't noticed as much like passion when he texts me since we left and so i haven't put as much effort in either so it's kind of like we're still friends but like it's not like we were before like we're probably for the best because like whatever it is it kind of sounds you call it immature a little we were before like we're probably for the best because like whatever it is

it kind of sounds you call it immature a little toxic a little like yeah maybe he's just doing it to validate himself i don't know yeah and maybe it is immaturity or maybe he doesn't realize he does like men and he's calling it this i don't know and he's still struggling with it but either way it seems like you finally got some clarity wasn't the answer you wanted but like you know it sounds like you recognize that you got caught up in this too and then maybe the healthy thing is is to like you know whatever we can be cool if i see you at a party great but like maybe not prioritize him in this friendship anymore because he gave you justifiable reasons to like have feelings for him and now it's like you know like any other

situationship between like a any couple like you know like any other situationship between like a any couple like you cared about the person and like for you to try to pretend that you don't didn't care about him and just be friends because he decided to be like oh what are you talking about like it's not fair to you you know right no 100 and i would at least give yourself some time you know yeah which I mean I have like we've definitely been at a distance

I feel like for the most part I'm like over it at this point but on the like he ended up moving his flight up because he had work on Monday

like he was starting a new job he's like do you mind if I move it and I was like yeah that's fine but like I don't want

to spend a few extra like hundred dollars to move my flight up like it doesn't matter to me when I get home I was just sitting in the airport alone he had already left and I was just sitting in the airport alone.

He had already left. And I was like, I feel like I'm like on The Bachelor, like left on an island or something. I'm just sitting there with my own emotions, like in this airport all alone. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good analogy. But I'm sorry you went through it. Don't let it also like impact your own faith

in your ability to read signs and signals. Because I really, everything that you described was really definitive and really clear and i know there's also like something i feel all the time if i'm like interested in a woman as i worry about this like you know like the predatory queer narrative you know like there's just like a lot of stuff that goes into that and so like you i think just like make sure it doesn't let you shake your own uh confidence and your ability to like read the room and pick up on things because it sounded like everything you were picking up on was 100

valid also the fact that he was like this isn't the first time like he knows what he's doing to like read the room and pick up on things because it sounded like everything you were picking up on was 100% valid. Also the fact that he was like, this isn't the first time. Like he knows what he's doing. He knows what he's doing. He knows what he's doing. Yeah. And I don't know why he's doing it, but he knows what he's doing.

Because I asked him about the wedding date too. I was like, if you thought I liked you, why would you ever ask me to be a plus one to your wedding? Like, do you know what kind of message that sends me? And he was like, yeah, I was kind of joking about it when I brought it up. Like I realized that. No, he wasn't. No, he up like i realized no he wasn't no he wasn't no he wasn't he wasn't joking i don't think so either he's uh some sort of insecurity whether it's not really comfortable with who he is whatever that might be and he likes doing this if for no other reason than like to feel

more powerful and more in control and in a world where he might often feel out of control. And maybe that lack of control has to do with his lack of confidence, his own identity. I don't know. But like, there's definitely some like insecurity going on. And he manipulates other people to feel a little bit more control of themselves. And it's not an accident. And it's by design. It's a little fucked up. You know, I'm not saying he's a dangerous person, but he's someone who like comes with some red flags and it's not a person i would necessarily trust or really invest in yeah that you're pretty much emulating what most of my friends said they were all of the same nature like i give them a lot more grace than i feel like most of my friends did where they were like yeah no and i was like all right yeah but you liked them and then like when you

like someone and you like you you don't want to find out, I'm not saying he's a piece of shit, but you don't want to think people are a piece of shit because you liked them and then we're always afraid, what does it say about us if I liked a piece of shit, so to speak. So then we will defend the piece of shit. Yeah, I think your friends got it. Yeah. And I mean, I will say though, I'm never one to tell people I like them. So when I did tell people the whole story, everyone's like, oh, I'm so proud of you. I was like, yeah, I finally like did it.

It must have been hard. And don't let the fact that it didn't go, like you weren't crazy. You put yourself out there after you like, and you still survived it. Right? Like, yeah. Like it couldn't have gone worse and yet you're still here. So in the future, it can only get better. have gone worse and yet you're still here. So in the future, it can only get better. Right. No, I agree. I think I told you this last time, but I'm going to school for a year in Europe, so it's better not to have a long-distance relationship anywhere. That's the goal.

Have fun. Where in Europe? Oxford in England. Amazing. Congrats. Thanks. I'm really excited. That's awesome. Yeah, go have a blast, man. Good luck with the food. I'm really excited that's awesome yeah go have a blast man good luck with the food but I'm sure you'll find great food if you like Indian food

yeah it'll be great all right Jack I appreciate you sharing your story sorry I didn't walk out the way you wanted but we do appreciate

the update yeah and thanks so much for all the advice like it genuinely helped me a ton so I really appreciate it my pleasure man it's been a it's

been a joy talking with you yeah for sure all right how are you doing guys you too bye you're wonderful welcome back maddie how's it going good how are you uh last time we spoke give us a little update yeah so my story was pretty crazy uh i'm in the military and I found out my boyfriend had a wife and four kids that unbeknownst to me. And I found out about everything when we talked and I forgave him. And you told me all the things that I knew I should have listened, basically. Let's play the tape on what I told Melanie. Originally, when I wrote in, I had a question about whether or not I should, I guess, Originally when I wrote in, I had a question about whether or not I should, I guess, reconcile with my boyfriend.

A lot has happened. I'm in the military. He was underway for about a month. And in the process of all of that, I found out that he potentially was married with four kids. Your feelings don't necessarily mean your decisions are right. So that's something to consider. You have an adult conversation with them and you say, I love you and I'm so thankful to have you in my life.

I am so thankful of the guidance you've given me. I trust your judgment. That's why I asked. I recognize I'm taking a risk. I recognize that I could get hurt. I recognize that you're not wrong about the things that you find very concerning. I'm going to choose to take this risk. I'm unsure.

And I hope, like, listen, if I'm wrong, just hope there's not an I told you so. But you just kind of like, you just name it, you know. Don't avoid it. Don't tell them that they're wrong. You don't know him like I know him. Like, no, you said it perfectly. They don't know how you feel. But they might see some major red flags that they're seeing more clearly than you are.

You are basically like literally giving him the playbook of how to lie to you. Because you are. Yeah yeah you're just like there's always you have excuses of why it's okay for him to lie to you it's too hard or too much or he has to go somewhere and you just have to decide yourself that's the type of information you want where there are reasons that it's okay to leave out important information or lie because it's inconvenient to tell the truth right you know if if and if inconvenience is a justifiable reason to not be totally honest with you then i don't know if that's going to be a long-term recipe for your happiness right so you are the way you are

talking is you are justifying his lack of full transparency and like yeah on a case-by-case basis like yeah there's exceptions to every rule and we all make mistakes i get all that. You are just very vulnerable right now because you want him to be right. You want this to work. Right. And you're just very vulnerable with what the truth is. And it's only been four months. So even without the lies, I would just, I would temper your excitement. Did you take my advice? I mean, yeah. Remind me what I said. Right. So, I mean, you told me to, you know, proceed with caution because at that point in time,

I had forgiven him and I was so, I had listened to the rerun, you know, over and over again. And I was just so lost and, oh, you know, deer in the headlights, like this is my person. And, you know, you just said proceed with caution. And I was like, okay. And just something in the back of my mind, like, I feel like because of how long I've listened to you, like I knew you're being so nice. And I was like, I just feel like I would not have written in if I knew like, you know, what the real answer was, which is that ultimately he's a liar. Can't diagnose anyone as a narcissist, but what happened afterwards kind of proved everything, which, you know, so I forgave him and he went back to where his wife was and it was like, oh,

you know, the kids took it hard. Like all this, you know, just excuse after excuse and broke up with me and, you know, said, I still want to be friends. I still want you in your life. Like, it's not fair to make you wait, even though that's what I want. So, you know, manipulative behavior. And I fell for it still because I was still like, I love him. And like, I want to be with him. And fast forward, he proved again that everything really truly was a lie. Like deleted me from his facebook then he blamed his kids on it he was like oh like my kids just don't want to see you like on their facebook and then now his wife made you my i can't get a picture right now she's like delete her right now

and he was like fine and he did right and he made up a different excuse right yeah calling me on the phone and just oh like i still want you in my life. Like she's not even here. Lie for life, lie for lie. And I'm again, still kind of believing it. And I think ultimately like what led to like the ending of pretty much everything. Like he said something, it was like the big, he posted pictures with his wedding ring on that's what it was and i didn't text him i was like yeah i'm just gonna erase like all communication like i blocked him from all the social medias to where i couldn't even look at him even though we weren't friends and he like texted me and was like oh i i was wearing my ring because my son asked me to

and i just don't know i was wondering what you think I should like what's your opinion on that like what should I do and who are you to put me like in that kind of position like a dirty dog yeah yeah so fast forward you know he posted a profile picture with him and his wife and it was very recent the irony in all of this is he was wearing you, things that we bought when he was here with me. In the picture? I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh. It's awful.

Yeah. It's awful. It's crazy. I mean, yeah. So I just texted him, you know, I was toxic for a little bit and said, you know, all yours, liar and the narcissist. And I want nothing to do with you. And I blocked him.

So since then. Are we done? Yeah. I mean And I blocked him. So since then. Are we done? Yeah, I mean, I'm done. We're done. How long ago was that? Out of my life. How long ago was that? It's been about two and a half months now.

Okay. Well, good for you. Reflecting back on the whole relationship, the time in which you called, the advice I gave, what did you learn? Like, what would you, you know, in a perfect world,

like what would you do differently, if anything a perfect world, like what, what would you do differently if anything, whether it's like do something faster, how are we going to go about things going forward? I mean, again, hopefully you don't run into something like him, but I'm sure there were certain behaviors that he showed that in the future, what are you going to pay attention to and how are you going to approach that? I mean, you said it best. You say it all the time, like to certain people or, you know, whatever, even when you do bachelor recaps is

like, you know, Rachel loves love. That's me. I'm, I'm Maddie. I love love and just being way more aware of that. And who could have imagined, you know, what this man did. He lied about so much and, you know, continuing, he was good at at that and I just think going forward is truly like healing and doing the work within myself and not being so eager the second that someone's like oh these are all the things I want and again like you said usually when things are too good to be true gotta do a little bit more digging and I definitely gave him way more benefit of the doubt again I re-listened to your advice. And usually there are little things that you didn't want to see before. And I look back and realize there were a lot of like warning

signs that were telling me that something was not right prior to the, you know, when I searched him and found out even more things, even before all of that, there were warning signs that I didn't listen to. And since then, I mean, it's a lot of work with therapy and trying to just like kind of get to the root of why I accepted like that type of behavior. And that's, I think, the hardest part is like realizing the reality of what I was willing to be okay with and continue to still fight for someone that did not deserve an ounce of that care. Do you feel more confident in your ability to prioritize what you deserve?

Because it's like, I always, sometimes when I give advice, I feel like I interchange the word want and deserve. If you want this, don't accept less. But like in your case, I feel like there's a distinct difference between want and deserve, right? As you've kind of self-identified as someone

who like loves you know, loves love. And so hearing the things that you want to hear, you seem, at least in the past, have been susceptible to like hearing the right thing and just, you know, kind of melting without, you know, oh, well, that was nice to hear, but, you know, check in, right? Because you deserve to truly be loved by someone who, you know, wants to prioritize you and is truthful to you and doesn't lie to you. But as someone who wants to hear certain things, what you deserve and what you want are almost kind of like kind of butting heads, right? I think that's like the hardest part. I feel like, like even looking back, like, I don't feel like,

are there things that I could have potentially changed? Yes. Are there things that I could have done differently? Yes. I was going with the information I had now, of course now I'm like, Oh, I know this man fricking lied about everything and didn't mean a word he said, but in those moments, I feel like I led with that. And I think that's the hardest part is thinking about all of that and thinking about my actions. And I don't think I would have changed everything because I was fretting with, you know, what I would change is the fact that I knew that man was still married. He still had, you know, so much to deal with and then choosing to accept and believe because of the things, you know, that he was telling me he was, putting such a good, like, wrapping it up, like, with a bow

and making me believe that, like, I was just this person that was just, like, making his life so much better and not thinking about what he was actually doing in my life because what he was doing in my life was tearing me down, you know, and making me... So, yeah, and I guess in the future, you know, it's really... Because, like, you know, in these situations, you don't want to become, like, a cyn like you know you in these situations you don't want to become like a cynic right you know you don't want to be someone who's just like well i can't trust anyone i can't believe anyone i mean listen

unfortunately there are liars out there and there are people who are dishonest you know for me you know and i've i've experienced stuff you know not in a specific to yours but i've had moments or felt betrayed and by people i really thought i trusted or I thought I was in love and I thought I was in a forever situation that certainly wasn't. What helped me is this truly valuing... For you, it might be a good exercise to write down what you've always wanted and what you think you now deserve. And then you write that down, and then maybe look at it and say, how do I get those more lined up? Right. Because maybe hearing all the nice things is what you thought you wanted in the past, but you realize now, well, that's nice. That doesn't necessarily give me what I deserve.

And then shift what you used to want to what you now want for yourself. Now, I want someone who makes me feel a certain type of way, not necessarily through their words, but I want them to be able to show it too. I, you know, words are nice, but I want it to match their actions. And to me in the future, I won't validate their words until I see it consistently with their actions. So it's kind of like in the future, it's like, well, it's thanks for saying that. That's really nice. Like allow yourself to maybe fall in love a little slower, you know, you know, trust, but verify type of thing, you know, it's, that's nice to hear, but I don't think that makes you a cynic by just being a little bit more cautious and waiting for

them to match their actions with their words. Some people will show you through their actions that you, they can be trusted and they're maybe, you know, not very expressive. Like maybe, maybe your love word language is like words of affirmation. So maybe you are susceptible to like people who are very grand, grandiose with like big, you know, gestures of, of saying big things. But nevertheless, I think you want to recognize that and say, I, I, as someone who like loves to hear that stuff, I need to like, I need to check myself and make sure I'm seeing it first and if it and those two things don't add up then the words have less meaning behind them and i need to ask more questions and and anytime it feels kind of off you you listen to that you know because that way you can

be less scared of you know the person in your shoes is always it's a it's a tale as old as time like well i i was lied to i was betrayed and now I can't trust men or I can't trust women. And that's how I feel. Yeah. I mean, that sums it up pretty much. Well, but you can, right? You just have to get, you have to hold yourself accountable, right? You have to tell yourself, like, listen, you have to look in the mirror and say, you know, I love words of affirmation.

I love when people tell me these things about how they love me or how I make them feel. And I'm always going to love that. I'm not going to change that, but I need to make sure going forward to protect myself that I have to pay attention to their actions. And when those two things don't add up, I need to listen to that because in the future, I, and now I can trust people more because I'm going to implement these tools before you weren't implementing anything. You're just kind of like, hey, if they say it, I'm going to believe it. And I feel like I have the, I think that's for sure

the biggest thing I struggle with. I mean, I'm not looking to date right now, but that's the thing I think about right now is that I have these tools. I feel like I don't even know that I trust myself now to make any type of decision with anyone romantically because of that, because it's like,

I feel like I had all of those tools and I still. Yeah. But you, you know, maybe go back and be willing to acknowledge it. Maybe you didn't, you might've had them, but you didn't implement them. Right. You know, there was something that was causing you to look the other way or not take my advice initially, like stop, like in the, a lot of that's ego. So like really just to some soul searching about what, what those moments were, like what, you know, like when we avoid finding out the truth, right. Because we're afraid the truth hurts. Now you've, you've heard the truth, you've faced the truth and yes, it

hurt. But as I always say, like I said this to a caller earlier, you survived, you know, you are here talking to me. I'm still pretty good. Yes, that shitty part happened, but you survived it. Right. So I think, you know, now it's just like challenge yourself to face short term disappointment for long term happiness because you are willing to ask certain questions right away and see if you can get honest

answers. Then when those answers don't add up, I mean, like the good news is, is like your gut's never been wrong. You know, like if you think back, your gut was always telling you something was off and you were choosing to ignore it. So you can have confidence that your gut has never been wrong and you just have to do a better job of listening to your gut so in the future when you start dating have the confidence to just i gotta listen to my gut more i gotta trust my gut and when you when your gut tells you something when you feel that voice of like something's off you don't have to run or like completely dismiss them but you definitely want to ask more questions you definitely want to check in more so would you would you say your gut feeling is like how you would create closure because i think that that's all you know there's so many things that i have

to heal from but i think for sure like i know you know create your own closure and yeah you know you have the answers right my gut told me and you know i still have issues with the fact that like i just like again like his actions after like even when he was, like, wanting to talk to me all the time. And then, you know, and again, I know it's, you want to, like, there's still just so many things that just don't make sense to, like, go from all of that. And then to not even, like, I guess, like, yeah, it's probably an ego thing of me, like, wanting him to, like, try to basically lie to me again and be like, oh, like, I'm sorry, you know, but just, I guess not having an answer,

which I obviously I got the answer with, you know, all of his actions that he did. But I think that's still hard to like navigate for sure. I guess. What do you mean? So it's like, because, you know, like the last time we talked, like we were in such a, like a quote unquote good place and whatever and stuff. And i you know the whole profile picture happened and so i guess not having like final words and like him like admitting because to this day that's that's the thing to this day because i remember yeah you're you're at the time when you called in you were like trying to pitch it as like you're in a good place but you were more worried about your friends being aware frustrated and i and i kind of told you to listen to your friends right so that's the thing. It's like the closure for you, it seems like is, I always say closure is acceptance. That's what it is. It is accepting your choices. It's accepting what happened, accepting who they are. So you have to

accept who he is. And you've used the word narcissist, liar, you know, whatever, regardless of he's an actual, if you can die, but like, he's certainly someone you can't trust. He is someone who is a liar. He is someone who's been manipulative. So, you know, and you just have to accept that that's who he is. And so anytime you want to ask yourself why, I don't understand why he did this or said this. You just go back to what you accepted. You accepted that he was a liar, a manipulator, that he was deceitful. That's lying, whatever. Whatever I said.

But, and those are characteristics of someone you don't want to date, right? If I said to you, if I met and I said like, hey, I'm a matchmaker. I have this perfect guy for you right off the top. They're a liar. They manipulate. They won't make you feel good about yourself. What do you think? Should I set you up? What would you say? Yeah, of course. You say,

fuck no. That'd be insane. Right. But that's the conversation you have to have with yourself. You know, stop seeing them for like whatever these rose colored glasses or whatever it was, handsome, good and bad. I don't know. I said some, I love you, some charming things. But at the end of the day, you have now accepted that what you know for sure, more than anything else, is that he's a liar, that he's manipulative, that he's selfish. And lead with that to explain why he did what he did. And then that's what you accept. And then you also want to accept the choices you made, right?

Right, which is also a part of this. I chose to not listen to my gut. My gut wasn't wrong. My gut wasn't crazy. I have my gut still with me. I still have that. So next time when I date, well, I'm going to have some nerves about whether people can be honest, but my gut's still going to be there. It still has my back. I'm just not going to ignore it next time. And I'm not going to be afraid to ask more questions, especially even if I like a guy. And when I like a guy, I'm just not going to ignore it next time. And I'm not going to be afraid to ask more questions, especially even if I like a guy. And when I like a guy, I'm going to almost see that not as a red flag, but like I want to ask more questions.

And when a guy says to me some really nice things, I want to enjoy it. I'm going to take that to heart, but I'm still going to ask more questions. And I'm going to be willing to just verify that he can back it up with his actions. And it's not just words. Because I've met people who clearly have shown the ability to say whatever the fuck and not be willing to back it up with their actions. And that's not being cynical. That's just being safer and more taking care of yourself. As someone who has a love language of words of affirmation, think about how much more you're

going to be able to enjoy those words once you've been able to verify it through their actions. Because I'm assuming if you reflect back all the times they said nice things, once you started peeling back the layers of his lies and he was still saying nice things, it would like, it didn't feel as good, right? It was like, it was, yeah. And like, it feels good. And I'm like, it's good enough to maybe ignore my gut, but it doesn't really make me feel truly loved. Right. Right. So it's really just listening to yourself and trusting your gut and having the confidence that your gut really hasn't ever been wrong. You know, your gut is what made you call it the first time, you know, your gut was like, it wasn't just about like how to handle your friends. I'm guessing your gut told you like, I wonder what Nick's going to say

about this guy, you know? Even though I knew. Yeah. And so that should give you some confidence that like, you're not completely helpless. You're not able to like, not see these things. You just have to listen a little bit more. You have to be willing to be disappointed in the short run and then you'll be fine. When you feel confused, let that be an alarm to find out more. But yeah, you're not broken. You just need to heal a little bit. Get back out there when you're ready. And even if it's like, you don't have to be totally healed

to go on a date or two and just feel it out. Take it slow, but like nothing's easier than practice dating people you aren't interested in. So practice asking these questions with people like, you know, you're just kind of indifferent about. All right. Sounds good. All right. Well, thanks for the update. I'm glad you're out of it. I'm glad you're on the path to

healing. Just take it easy on yourself. Trust your God and accept who he is. Still think you still have a little work to do about accepting who he truly is and don't see him for anything else but that. Just liar, manipulator, selfish, common narcissist, whatever you want. But that will explain the whys. Though you don't have to invest any of your energy trying to understand why he said or did anything he did. And you just need to accept that you looked the other way and that you didn't listen to your gut.

But going forward, that is something you are going to prioritize and work on for future encounters with people so that you can not feel like you can't trust people. Right. I appreciate it. All right. Well, good luck. Thanks for the update. Keep us posted on how things go with you down the line. Sounds good. Thanks, Nick. All right. Take care.

Bye. All right. Bye-bye. So we also get some updates via email of people who maybe aren't able to join us live but like to update us about their calls, give us a little feedback. So I don't know if you remember Sam, Nick. She had tattoos. She was afraid to tell her mom. Yeah, I remember. Yeah.

So we got a little email from Sam. We basically told her just to stop letting her mom bully her, I remember. Yeah, so we got a little email from Sam. We basically told her just to stop letting her mom bully her, kind of, basically. Yeah, basically just kind of put it out there. Don't apologize. Did we tell her to send a picture of the tattoo? I think so. Yeah.

I thought we did. Because she had the tattoo. Yeah. She was afraid to tell mom about the tattoo. And then it seemed like there was other things that she... Yeah. Did she have a boyfriend or something that she didn't tell him about? I think her mom had been very judgmental about like a bunch of other things in

the past. Yeah. Well, the email says, Hey, my update is super positive. I am so happy to share that my mom and I had a come to Jesus moment and connected on tattoos and life choices in a really beautiful way.

She was cautiously supportive of my arm tattoos and we were able to make progress towards setting boundaries about how much input she gives me about my life. Our relationship is stronger than it was before the fight and I'm proud of the work we have done to repair our issues. It is so amazing to have my mom back in my life even with strong boundaries in place.

Love it. Great. We love boundaries on this show. I just saved a mom and daughter relationship nailed it put that on your resume bringing moms and daughters together since 2000 2022 i feel like the uh we've definitely been had an uptick in uh family questions sometimes they're even more complex than like a dating yeah It's nice to know they trust me. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like it started with like wedding based questions that involved the family. Yeah. And then it like grew into its own beautiful little genre. Yeah. Well, another exciting update is do we remember our couple, Lindsay and Maddie, who were having a bit of a debate as to when they would get a dog? Decided that they would get a dog. Mediation call.

But yeah, the question was. They were going to move to New York. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, a little update email. Hello. After the call, we talked about it more and decided we were in too much of a life transition to get a dog.

We are hoping to get our jobs lined up to move to New York in the next few months and decided we would revisit the topic once we were settled a few months in the new place. In the meantime, I'm dog walking to get some of my dog fever out. Thanks again. Lovely little update. That's so smart. I was a little worried about them getting it before New York. They had just moved in together. Like that day. Yeah. Right. I think it's good for them to get to New York first. I feel like adding a dog, like moving is already tough enough. Yeah. I like that they can just get settled before. It's just dog them to get to New York first. I feel like adding a dog, like moving is already tough enough. Yeah. I like that they can just get settled before. It's just dog walking to get,

like you said. Nailed it. Yeah, like good compromise. Compromise. She's probably making some money doing it too. Yeah. Saving up for New York.

I feel like that with kids sometimes where I'm like, I need to babysit because I have baby fever. Do you get baby fever? Yes. Yes. Oh my God. It's been too long since i've like hung out with like a little munchkin i love kids we also got an update from maggie who she wanted the courthouse wedding she'd said she'd been married before she did the big fairy tale wedding

it was like too expensive and too stressful. Her boyfriend wanted the big wedding. It didn't have to do with her family, right? Because she was afraid of like inviting her family. And that was ultimately the reason why she didn't want the big wedding is because she thought her family would. It wasn't. It was from episode what 448 not too long ago. I think also like judgment about it being her second marriage. Yeah. And ultimately it was just kind of like,

maybe you can give him what he wants and not invite mom and dad. If that's a boundary they're not willing to respect. Yeah. So we got a little update from Maggie saying that her boyfriend's sister actually recently eloped because her partner also had a very complicated overbearing family dynamic. We were there to witness slash document the courthouse ceremony, and it was so sweet and sentimental.

Then they were able to take the video of the ceremony and share with his parents on their own terms on a visit in person. It was well-received, and we liked their example. It may be that we go that route when we get there. She also said that she found some old wedding rings from his grandmother in a toothpick case in his glove department. When she asked him about them, his response was, quote, I don't know anything about those, but are any of them good? And then she said, if he proposes, I'll let you know. So he now has this example of his sister doing the courthouse wedding.

So they wanted to do the courthouse. Went well. So, okay. So maybe he's more willing to do the courthouse like she wants. Okay. Yeah. And she found some rings, so who knows?

There you go. Thanks for listening, guys. I hope you enjoyed this very special episode. Don't forget to send in your questions that asknick at castmedia.com

cast with a K for your questions on all things Ask Nick, whether it's our Ask Nick episodes, mediation, texting office hours, pre-order my book.

If you haven't yet, thanks in advance. We will see you back on Monday.