The Viall Files - E473 Ask Nick - My Sister Is a Bully

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

Today we’re back with another exciting episode of Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re here again to answer all of your questions about relationships and situationships. We welcome on our first caller who is wondering how to manage a long term friendship that started going sour over different political points of view. Knowing that her friend is very set in their views, our caller wonders if it’s worth it to overcome the roadblocks and rekindle what is there. Our next caller deals with her bully sister who constantly casts judgment. She wonders how to incorporate and keep her sister in her life without giving her sister too much power. Our last caller feels like he keeps getting cheated on and also hooking up with people that are cheating. His friends sharing similar situations, he wonders how to find people dating for the right reasons in a world of people that may not have the best intentions.  “There are so many people in the world that haven’t shown me they’ll break my heart”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Rothy’s: Step up your shoes and accessories this summer and get ready to be asked “Are those Rothy’s?” Plus, get $20 off your first purchase at http://www.rothys.com/VIALL. Grammarly: Go to http://www.grammarly.com/VIALL to sign up for a free account! And when you’re ready to upgrade to Grammarly Premium, get 20% off for being my listener. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to a new and exciting episode of the vile files ask nick edition i am your host nick joined, joined by Allie and Amanda. And my lovely girlfriend, Natalie, is actually in the studio for this intro because my book came in. At least they sent me four copies. They're sending a bunch more. I'm holding my book and I forgot to bring it to the studio. So Natalie was nice enough to do that. Act of service. I'm just going to say it. It's a good book. If you like this show, it's a good book. Also, blurbs on the back of the book.

The people who have read this book who say it's good. Like Dr. Laura Berman, relationship and therapist, also the host of Language of Love. She's been on our show as well. She said, Nick has a hard and well-learned wisdom to share from his own journey. From heartbreak to healing to discovering real and lasting love, in his usual compassionate and humorous voice, he offers great advice like an older brother who is way cooler and wiser than you. I don't know if I'm way cooler or wiser than you, dear audience. Also, Dr. Maya Shankar, behavioral scientist, former employee of the Obama White House, and also host of Apple's Best Show of the Year. A slight change of plan. She wrote, modern dating with all its norms and expectations is

rapidly changing, and it can be hard to keep up. And don't text your ex happy birthday. Nick dispenses fresh and candid advice to readers all while interweaving colorful personal stories of his own dating life that help bring these insights to life. Kazzy David, also a New York Times bestselling author, she wrote, I texted my ex hi on Christmas and then I read this book. Require reading for anyone else embarrassing themselves on a daily basis. And Elizabeth Wagmeister, chief correspondent at Variety, wrote, Nick's book is the opposite of what you'd expect from an alumni of The Bachelor. It's a self-help guide of his fans and followers.

Nick's words are approachable and conversational, as if you were talking to a friend who doesn't sugarcoat the red flags. Plus, you'll get a personal anecdote from one reality TV's most memorable stars. So anyways, I think it's a pretty good book. If you are stuck in a situation, if you are having a hard time getting over someone, if you don't know if you should move in with your significant other, maybe you're debating whether you should break up with someone those are just some of the things we talk about in this book that's a great point is that it's broken down into really good little chunks because like i have mad add sometimes and i love reading

but sometimes it can be really hard for me to get into it this book it's the content is so relatable it pulls you right in and then it's in all of these awesome little bits. So that way you can like read a chunk. I feel like when you read it, you can like hear Nick talking to you. Like you read it in Nick's voice. And so it makes it so much better. Or annoying. I don't know. Chapter 10, getting over them.

And then it starts with my first girlfriend, the whole story. Did you read that part, Natalie? No. If you guys could go ahead and pre-order it, because we all, we want to make the New York Times bestseller. I don't know if we will, but it'll be because of people like you. I have pre-ordered it four times. Thank you. But you, dear listener, it would mean the world. I promise you, you won't regret it. And if you're going to end up getting it anyways, just get it before it's ready to go,

as soon as it's out. Anyways, anything new with your ladies' lives? You still in love with me? Yes. Okay. You still in love? Yeah. My boyfriend picked me up from the airport and he got me flowers.

What the hell? Nick, you've never done that for me. Picking you up from the airport with flowers? Yeah. Well, he didn't have the flowers.

We were going grocery shopping then to make dinner and then he got me flowers. How's your Prada purse? It's cute. And you're still thrivingly single? I've nothing going for me. I don't have flowers, I don't have Prada, but we're here. That's not true. You're out of town. Yeah. I was told by my personal trainer that I have to hold off on Taco Bell until my sister's

wedding. So it's going to be a rough month. I'm not going to lie. You have a personal trainer? Yeah. But we're in wedding prep mode. Don't ever complain to me about money. I don't even have a personal trainer. Yeah, but we're in wedding press mode. Don't ever complain to me about money. I don't even have a personal trainer. I don't pay for her. Anything else? I was just thinking about it. Maybe we already talked about this briefly, but I've been really reflecting on a wedding dance floor.

I think it's the most magical dance floor in the world. I think clubs, bars should take a note. And I think we need to change the culture of dance floors. I know a good vinyl guy who can vinyl the whole floor. I do have an exciting announcement. What? I am going to sing, speaking of weddings, Amanda, I'm going to sing my sister's first dance.

Oh. You can sing? Wow. Allie's multi-talented. She does voices like you. Musical theater. I told Allie she's welcome to do more voices on the show. That's why Natalie and I bonded, because she came in.

She's like, hello. I've also realized that doing voices is something that everybody. I'm not good at. Well, but everybody, almost everybody, I think, has like a special voice with their partner that like only their partner is heard because at my cousin's wedding, they're both such like. I do with Jeff. Dignified people. But I do think that's a big like a big kind of like relationship milestone is when you get to the point where you've done like weird weird bits and voices or just like names like just like not baby or babe but like weird yeah what's yours nick i don't want to talk about it my sister calls me blart blart like paul blart mall cop and she'll like yell it through the

store if she can't find me and then i went and met her friends when she was in medical school. And I walked in. They were like, Blarty. And I was like, that's not my name. Do you and your sister look alike? Kind of-ish. She's smaller. She's smaller?

Yeah. You're not particularly. She's just really little. I don't know. She's really little. I think you're little well she'll be shocked

alright well I'm excited to see how that goes are you still in love? very much so got a new book coming out aforementioned alright well

if you're texting office hours it's a Monday morning and you need help drafting a text someone's shooting your shot or you're in a fight or whatever it is email us at

asknickatcastme.com also just send in all those questions all things Vile Files alright I'll be in New York next week so maybe we'll do like a New York interview

we'll see it'll be fun I don't know let's get to our callers question time with Nick let's ask Nick your sexy questions How's it going?

Hi, I'm Maggie and I'm 28 years old. How can I help, Maggie? Hi, so I wrote in today to talk about a friendship dilemma that I have. So I have been friends with Wesley for many years. We first met in fourth grade and we became inseparable. We went through, we were really close friends through elementary, middle, high school, college. Is this person a man? Yes. Yeah. And I come from a small Southern town for context. um we kind of did everything together growing up um

we did theater together we did choir together we changed friends groups together we just kind of did literally everything um i had like a bed at his house i was friends with his family and his sisters and we are very much almost like siblings. And two years ago, during the, it first kind of started in May of 2020 with the George Floyd things. He, I had been off of social media because I was going through a divorce. And so I just kind of needed some time to myself. And I hopped back on when all this happened. And he was in a debate with some of my friends. And so I liked a couple comments. But he was like in a Facebook debate? Yes, like a Facebook debate, which I don't ever really get that involved in because I just really

don't think you hear that. It's like it just does never go well. No, they're never effective. And so I had liked one of the comments that another friend of ours had put because I thought it was really respectful and I agreed with her point. And I just kind of left it at that. I didn't really have the emotional capacity to really be a part of the conversation. But after that, I noticed he had unfriended me on all social media platforms. So I sent him a text and I just said, hey, I noticed that you unfriended me on everything.

I don't know if it's because of this conversation that you had with our other friend. And I'm sorry if I hurt you, but you're important to me and I love you. And if you want to talk about it, let me know. And so he responded, he was like, I'm sorry. I just got really frustrated. And then he kind of went on a little rant and then he was like, I'm done with my rant. I love you. And I've deleted my Facebook for now. We'll see about Instagram. But he didn't friend me back on anything um so I just kind of left it and I was like I don't really have that I didn't respond to that because uh it was kind of left in a way that why didn't you respond like I I think part of it was I didn't necessarily

agree with what his rant was and I didn't have the well that's I mean we know that though right and I didn't have the I think part of it was I just didn't have the emotional capacity at the time um you do do you recognize though at least at a minimum and not saying you're wrong at all but do you recognize that and while it's totally valid that you just did the same thing he did, right? Which was you read something that you didn't agree with. Obviously, a very polarizing topic. Obviously, people are saying things in written word without inflection. And it's just triggering for people, especially when you disagree.

And so while it hurt your feelings for him to unfollow you, like you said, he just emotionally just felt like he needed to protect his mental health, right? Sounds like. And then you send this message to him. He writes back a rant, but also in that rant, he's just like, I care about you. I love you.

Sorry, I'm done. I just needed to get that out. And probably not the time for him to say that, but like you not responding to that message at a minimum should make you at least more empathize with his emotional state of mind when he did that. Right. Right. Because it was the same, same thing. You're just like, ah, you know, I love you too. And I want to respond, but like really kind of hate what you said there. And it's triggering for me. And now I'm processing all those emotions

about like, you know, are we just on the same wavelength? And we're living in a time where just like, you know, I don't agree with it, but like political viewpoints are vastly more nuanced than what people make them out to be. And people vote for different things for different reasons, often necessity. And we like to oversimplify what it means to, you know, lean one way or the other. And obviously these are very passionate and critical topics and everyone thinks the other side is stupid or horrible. And that's just not the case. And unfortunately, we just live in this time where it's just we're being told to feel hatred and frustration.

And I guess this is up to us to decide whether we're going to let it bleed into our interpersonal lives or our close relationships. Why aren't you wearing a Rothy's? Not you. I mean, why aren't you, dear listener, wearing Rothy's? And if you are, congratulations. Welcome to the club. Rothy's might save the world. My mom came over this past weekend and I was setting up, I was unpacking all my stuff. I just moved. And she went over to my Rothy's, I swear. She picked them up and she goes, what are these? And then she was asking me if I could get her some. And I said, no, but we have a promo code. Did you like put them in a bunch of mud and then put them in the wash? I literally was like, you don't understand. They're made from recycled plastic water bottles.

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get 20% off for being a listener of this show. That's 20% off at G-R-A-M-M-A-R-L-Y.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Well, so after that, and I hadn't responded in part, and I know that was on me and I was also in the middle of moving and trying to figure out what was kind of my next step in my life. of ours from choir when we were in high school all of a sudden tagged me in something on social media and so I went to look at it and he was basically basically he said that our friend Wesley had commented on one of his Instagram posts because he's a singer now professionally and Wesley had written you can't sing I don't know why nobody's told you that you suck something along those lines it was very kind of out of the blue and unnecessary. And so the friend had tagged me in it saying, what is going on? Like, do you know what?

So I messaged him privately and I was like, I haven't talked to him in a while. And we're not friends on social media right now. So I can't, I don't know what's going on. Well, he had me still blocked, so I couldn't I don't know what's going on well yeah he had me still blocked so I couldn't see anything. Had you blocked? Yeah he then had had blocked me at some point so I really couldn't see anything so it went beyond unfriending but my sister is very protective of me and so she had went she was also just wanting to see what was going on because she was being nosy and we were all still locked up. And he, somebody had written

back, like kind of criticizing what the necessary, like why it was necessary to be mean. And he all of a sudden brings in my name and two of our other friends and just says we're unintelligent people who won't have a conversation with him. And I have not talked to him since. It got worse from there, but that part had nothing to do with me after that. And so basically now it's been two years since this all happened. I've not talked to him at all in the last two years. But it's something that I think about often. And I'm still kind of upset about the situation. And I don't know if I should even attempt to reach out.

I don't know. He might have my number blocked. I just don't know kind of what happened there. Yeah. I'm sorry. It kind of sucks. I'm just a big believer. And if you're feeling something about something, you should just recognize it. And if I'm feeling something, I just want to do whatever I can to feel like I don't have regrets. You know, I don't like want to wonder if there's something I would have, could have done, you know, taking your ego out of it of who should make the first move or who's

right or who's wrong. If you're able to take that out of it and you just say listen i i miss this friendship maybe this friendship hasn't run its course maybe it will never be what it used to be but that said maybe it's also just a product of a lot of tenacious times in the pandemic and like just getting separated and i just want to know that I could do everything I can to salvage this friendship or just maybe be there for someone who might just need it, who maybe is feeling lonely and feeling alone in their right or wrong and how they feel, you know, especially if it's like with a community of friends, you know, it's just like, you know, it's always funny. Like when I go back home, I live in LA and I feel like I try not to

have a lot of these conversations. I'm not a very political person, but like when I go back home, I live in LA and I feel like I try not to have a lot of these conversations. I'm not a very political person, but like when I have conversations in LA, I tend to feel like I'm on one side. And then when I go home to Wisconsin, I feel like I represent completely two different ideologies. My viewpoints stay the same, but depending on who I'm talking to, I feel like part of Antifa or part of like QAnon, you know, when I talk to certain people, it's like, and I'm like, whoa, you know, like I'm not the radical here. Here's what I would do. If you want to, I would reach out to this person and say,

hey, I was just thinking about you. If you're blocked, you're blocked. There's nothing you can do about it. So step one is just reach out to them. You could try text first and let's assume the text goes through and you say, hey, I've been thinking about you. I haven't seen you in two years. Let's catch up. Let's grab a drink. Let's grab dinner. If they say yes, then just catch up with them. And if they want to bring up these top topics, I think you just say, listen, I reached out to you because I miss our friendship

and I know we've gotten older and I know these are important issues and while we might not see eye to eye, but right now, I just want to focus on fixing this friendship. If you want to talk politics, great, but like we don't have to talk about this all this fucking time. You know what I'm saying? Like there was a time where you guys were friends

and like having connections is not always about being on the same page about world issues, especially with some of these issues that like don't have anything to do with you. And I'm not saying we should only think about things that have to do with us, but like, let's just focus on what's in front of us right now. And let's just like, catch up. Tell me about your life. What have you been up to? What's going on with your life? Have you been dating? I want to

just talk about us. And I want you to ask me about like what I've been up to. And I just want to connect as friends, you know, and maybe down the road, I'm happy to have these conversations, but I do want to know that it's okay for us to disagree with each other. I respect your opinion. While I don't agree with it, I still respect it. And I'm open to learning from you, but I would like the same from you down the road. But right now, I think things are a little too fragile there. This conversation might not get to that point. It might have you blocked. I don't know. I would give it one more chance by calling him and see if he answers. And if he just doesn't want anything, and then you just say, hey, reach out to me if you ever want to, but I didn't want to connect. There's nothing wrong with doing

everything you have control of doing so that if nothing else, if he doesn't want to in your life, then you can confidently feel like, I've done everything I could. I don't know what's going on, but I'm at peace with knowing that I tried my best. Does that make sense? Is that helpful? Yeah. I mean, I think I just thought that as time went, it would feel easier. Like I would just be more at peace, but now we're up. I mean, it's been about two years and it still really bothers me. Yeah, I get it. Right. It's a friendship you valued. And then like something that had nothing to do with the two of you came in between that. And for all the people who are passionate about their politics and these conversations, I'm not saying it's not important, but like, I do think we have friendships in our lives to serve different purposes and help us cope with different emotional experiences and things like that. And they don't all need to be political.

And just because someone has a different viewpoints on life or religion or politics than you doesn't mean they still can't be a really important friend in your life who's helping you get through certain things regardless of their politics. You know what I'm saying? You just have to recognize that we're not in line there and we don't need to agree. When we are arguing with our friends or anyone else about our politics, right or wrong, and if we just can't shut the fuck up about our politics and we're just like, I just can't understand why they don't agree with me, that's a you problem. If half the population thinks one

way and half the population thinks another, there is no world in which one team is 100% right and the other team's not. And yet that's how we're all acting. It's absurd. It makes no sense. So try to take your ego out of it, and hopefully he does the same, and recognize I feel like we're losing a lot of important relationships. If we could just shut the fuck up about just ideas we have in our head. At the end of the day, don't make much of a difference in our interpersonal relationships on a day-to-day basis. We're missing out on connections that make us feel good, that make us feel seen, that make us feel not alone. And I think that's really disappointing. Yeah. So I'm going to try to text him, I think, and just see what happens. Yeah. And just shoot him the old, I've been thinking about you. I'd love to get together. What are you doing next week? Let's keep it real simple. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to try it and see what happens. Just reinforce, I just miss you and refuse to talk about this type of stuff.

And don't dismiss him to say, right now, I want to focus on this friendship. And I respect your opinion. Let's just focus on fixing this before we start trying to figure out who's right or wrong. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm not saying I'm right. It's okay to not be on the same page sometimes. It's okay to disagree.

It's just fucking wild that we live in a time where that's no longer allowed. Well, thank you. That was really helpful. And it feels good because all my friends, or a lot of my friends are like, it's not worth it. So it's nice to just hear a third party. I mean, there's a good chance it's not going to go the way you want. And it's a good chance you won't even get in front of this person. But like, this is talking about your peace of mind and to say, it's not worth it. Clearly, this is something you're feeling. And for your friends to say, it's not worth it, is telling you to ignore a feeling that you're having about something that obviously is important to you. Yeah. I don't think we should ever be told to ignore our feelings.

Now, again, like for anyone going through a heartbreak right now who wants to reach out to their ex, that's, this is not me giving you an excuse to like oh well nick told me not to ignore a feeling we have to like obviously challenge ourselves to not get into our egos and things like that but like right now i think this is about you doing everything you can to have peace of mind and i don't think there's anything wrong with that well thank you all right let us know how it goes i will i'll send an update all right take care thanks bye Well, thank you. All right. Let us know how it goes. I will. I'll send an update. All right. Take care. Thanks. All right.

Bye-bye. Bye. How's it going? Good. I'm Nicole. How are you? Good. How old are you, Nicole?

I'm 22. How can I help? So I'm having some issues with my older sister. Since I've gotten married about two years ago, our relationship has been pretty rocky, but I've been able to pretty much manage it up until like right now. I have a one and a half year old son

and I'm pregnant with my second son and she wanted nothing to do with my pregnancy the first time. And now all of a sudden she wants to be involved in this pregnancy and she doesn't really support my marriage. She just doesn't, she doesn't really like my husband and she didn't decide that until after we got married. Do you know what she doesn't like about your husband? She doesn't like his family.

Okay. What about his family doesn't she like? She thinks that they're controlling. He works for his family. So I think that she thinks that they have a hold over us, which I guess technically they do. But I just want her to respect that I'm an adult now. Is she your older sister? Yes. She's 11 years older than me.

Gotcha. Yeah. So she's like also like tries she your older sister? Yes. She's 11 years older than me. Gotcha. Yeah. So she's like, also like tries to play mom too. Yes, very much so. Uh, and when you say it's kind of true,

what do you mean having a hold over you guys? Um, well, we live, so my husband works for them. Um, the house that we live in is also owned by them. He, like his dad is his boss, along with his grandfather. We're with them quite a bit.

We live on the ranch that my husband works on that belongs to his family. So they're pretty much our livelihood but we all pretty much have a i think we all pretty much have a pretty good understanding of where we lie and when where the line is as far as work and personal but i don't know if she thinks we don't she was perfectly fine loved everybody throughout our whole engagement and then while we were on our honeymoon she like flipped the switch and sent me this really long text about how she worries about she's worried about me okay i have no idea she just kept saying the truth would come out and we still haven't heard the truth. But as far as your marriage goes, you're happy,

regardless of the fact that like your husband works for the family business, you're, you feel like you can make your own choices. There's boundaries, you know, like at the end of the day, you and your husband make choices that's best for yourselves and your children and, and, and his parents, while it might have an opinion at the end of the day, you get to do what you get to do. Correct. I definitely feel that way. And now your sister's reaching back out.

And what's your reluctance to, I guess, just give her what she wants now, which sounds like to be part of your life. Really, it's my husband's reluctance. I am okay with her being in my life as long as I know personally that at any moment it could change. He is struggling with the fact just because she has talked so much crap about him and his family and where he comes from. much crap about him and his family and where he comes from um so i'm struggling with being in the middle and how to navigate like she for example she wants to come tomorrow actually and help me redo my son's new room so then to get ready for this baby okay well my husband is yeah his ego

doesn't want her in our house well i mean I mean, in fairness to your husband, like it does seem a little nuts for your sister to like completely shut you out of her lives and not have a relationship, want nothing to do with your first pregnancy. And then all of a sudden reach out and then like, not even like try to build things back up, but like, sounds to me the way you're describing it, that she's guilty of the very thing that she's accusing your husband and as a family of doing, which is being controlling and kind of, you know, dictating how things should be done without really considering, you know, the people whose opinions really matter, which is, you know, you and your husband,

the parents and the people in the relationship. Yeah. I felt that way for a long time, but I don't want to put labels on her because I think she struggles with a lot of things in life. And I feel I want to be there for her and I want to be a good sister, but I also want her to understand I'm living my own life and I don't feel like I can always do both. Well, not on your own. She needs to play a role in this too. So I think having a conversation with her at first that says, listen, I love you and I miss you. And it really made me sad that you chose not to be a part of my life while I had my first kid.

And that really broke my heart. And I'm really glad that you want to be a part of it now. That said, I still need to have you respect my boundaries. You still hurt my feelings. And so I want to fix this relationship, but I can't have you just pretend it didn't happen. So let's try to figure this out together because I love you and I want you to be a part of my life. But she doesn't get to just come and go when she wants, doesn't get to just come and go when she wants act a certain way and then pretend it didn't happen and have everyone just like be okay with what sounded like a adult temper tantrum and a game of chicken that she lost yeah what she's very used to playing this game she does it with pretty

much everyone in our family and i think it's important to point out, she's my half sister. We have different moms, but we were raised as full siblings. But currently she's doing this to my mom where she's like shutting my mom out and won't tell my mom why. Yeah. So keep in mind that part of the reason to reach out to you is, well, she can't shut out two people at once. You need to have a kind of a loving but honest conversation, which is, I want you in my life. And we're not always going to get along. We're not always going to agree. I don't have to agree with your choices, but we're sisters. We should support each other. And even if it means I don't do what you want, I don't want you to come in and out of our lives and I hate that you and mom are going through this.

So like, can we figure out a way to have a healthy relationship? But I am married and I am gonna prioritize my family and I hope that's okay with you. But I definitely don't think you should concede to your sister without having an honest conversation with her about like her need to respect boundaries because otherwise if you just concede to your sister without having an honest conversation with her about like her need to respect boundaries because otherwise if you just concede to her this is just going to be a back

and forth and there's not a doubt in my mind to hear that she's now doing this to your mom it's very manipulative she like pits people against each other you know and maybe it's coming from a place of like you know she in relationship is she single what's going on with her uh she's married she's been married for um i think it's 11 years do you think she's happy they got married a really long time ago do you think she's happy um it depends on the day she uh she was really miserable when i was engaged and then when i when we got back from our honeymoon and she decided she was mad at me, they were all of a sudden the best they've ever been. True. So it's just odd. I'm not sure.

But he does not speak to me at family events, her husband. She's kind of a bully and it's a game of chicken. And like you said, she does this. And all you could do is kill her with with kindness lead with love so to speak but at the same time still letting her know that you are the boss of your life and your family and that's never going to change and she doesn't get to come in and decide what color to paint the house or to paint the baby's room you know because that's what she's going to do she's going to come in and start telling you what to do and start like, and she's going to cause drama in your life if she doesn't respect your boundaries. So I think you reach out to her and say, I love, should I do this?

Like, cause she wants to come over tomorrow, like tomorrow. So should I do it? Like, have you had any conversation? Should I talk to her when she gets here tomorrow? No, no. So you haven't really had any relationship with her to her when she gets here tomorrow no no so you haven't really had any relationship with her right and then she just like called you out of the blue and said i'm coming over to paint so we will see each other at like family events and recently at this last christmas party she decided that we were speaking again. And so she spoke to me and then little, like little by little, she'll reach out about something small, like about, it's all based on family events. Like we only see each other talk to each other based around family events. And then, um, our

brother recently got a girlfriend and then she wanted us all three to get together. And like, she's just acting like nothing's happened and I don't know how to handle it my husband's really mad i have just kind of not said anything yeah i think you need and i've gone i've gone to the family events and stuff and then now she's texting she won't stop texting me asking me about painting the baby's room. And she said she has a free day tomorrow so she can come here. But you don't. You know, it's not all about her. I think you get on like a FaceTime or a phone call or something. You start with, I'm so glad we're building a relationship back

because it really sucked and I really missed you when you weren't a part of my life during my first pregnancy. But it doesn't change the fact that like we did have a falling out and I'm still confused what started that. I'm more confused why all of a sudden it seemed to be like, well, I'm glad we're talking. I still don't know what the issue was. And not that I really want to get into that. Like, I want you to respect my choices. You know, like I'm, I'm always down to hear your sisterly advice. I love you. I value your opinion in your relationship. But I don't always have to take it.

And I need you to respect that. And I would love to paint with you. You've said some really hurtful things about my husband. So like, if you want to be a part of my life, you have to be willing to be a part of his. Because at the end of the day, I'm married. And I have a relationship I need to protect. He doesn't come and go out of my life.

And he communicates with me when he's upset and we work through things. And I'd like the same thing with you, but it's your choice. So if we can have that relationship, I'd love for you to come over and paint. But I think you need to show her that you can calmly and responsibly stand up for yourself to her. Because otherwise she's just going to come in and start pushing you around again and start telling you what to do right and i turn into the little girl again listening to my older sister so yeah like this is like one of those things you need to practice before you have that conversation so like i'm her what are you going to say well i really i actually really want to know what the issue is because i i I mean, not that I can fix it, but she was mad for almost two entire years.

But just know that she might not even know. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's true. She just might have got it in her head that he wasn't right for you or maybe you, obviously you got married young, very young. So maybe she just decided that you were too young and maybe she made similar choices that didn't work out for her

and now she's projecting that onto you and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I wouldn't spend a lot of time trying to get her to answer questions she might not know the answer. I would just point out, if she wants to tell you, if she can, but I would point out the fact that she just decided one day to not be a part of your life and then decided another day, two years later, that it was okay. And you find that confusing. And it was hurtful to you.

Yeah, I definitely do. Because you lost out on your relationship with your sister, a relationship you've always wanted to have. And I need to know that you're going to respect my choices. I value your opinion. I want to hear your opinion, but I need you to know, but I don't, I'm not required to take it. You're not my mom. I'm an adult. I'm not a little girl anymore. And if you can respect that and you can respect my husband and you can respect our relationship, then we can paint. Then you can help me paint. I'm serious though. But that's some version of that is exactly what you should say. And she needs to hear in your voice, you believe in what you're saying. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to have to probably fib a little

bit to get her on the phone. She likes to have text arguments. She does not do phone calls very often. Well, do not play her game. She wants something from you. I mean, I understand you want a relationship with her, but at the end of the day, you've been fine for this past two years. You've accepted her behavior. It's made you sad, but it's just like, okay, you stood your ground. She needs you because she doesn't have your mom now. So just remember that. And that could flip at any point. And people need to stand up to her. She's been getting away with being a bully to people.

All right. Well, I'll probably have to listen to this again. And then I'll practice it in the mirror and then I'll call her. You want to practice it right now quick? Yeah. Yeah. I'm her. All right. Ring, ring, ring ring ring ring hi hey um i just wanted to call you and talk to you about our relationship um i'm really really happy that

you're back in in our lives and i really have missed you a lot and i hope hope that we're able to talk about what's been going on the past two years. I know that I don't really know what happened. I'm not sure if you do, but I just really want to make sure you know that I love you and I want this relationship to be good, but I also want you to respect that I am an adult now and I want your advice and I'll be happy to listen to it if you're willing to give it. But I don't think he deserves any of this turmoil that he's received. Pretty good. Now just practice it like 10 more times and you say it with conviction, you know, because obviously you're just trying to figure out your words. Feel free to remind her that like what she said about and to your husband was hurtful to him. And it would mean a lot to you if she would be willing to like acknowledge that and apologize to him.

I think you're justified for asking that. Like say it nicely. Don't yell at her or talk down to her. But like I think, you know, practice this. And I think that's pretty solid. Okay. All right. Well, thank you.

All right. Good luck. Let us know how it goes. Dying to know. Thank you. All right. Okay, thanks. thanks all right take care how's it going good how are you i'm max and i'm 30 years old how can i help max oh um so not normal i don't normally go call it on podcasts, but... We're glad you did. Yeah. Yeah. I've been listening to your stuff for a long, long time now.

And I know that you've been asking the last few weeks for a guy's, I guess, perspective on dating. And I do have a question. Yeah. No, we love to hear from men's... Yeah. We like to hear men's struggles too, I guess, is the most honest way of saying it. It's not just me.

Yeah. So I'm a little long-winded, so I apologize ahead of time. But I just turned 30, and I've been involved in three serious relationships, and each of them has ended in cheating. And I hang out with my hockey team. Was it you being cheated on every time? Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm very consistent. Was it you being cheated on every time? Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm very consistent. It's me being cheated on every time.

Yeah, no, it's great. At least you have your character still intact. Oh, yeah. No, my ego's shot to hell. Your character is more important than your ego. Yeah, no, for sure. But every week I hang out with my old hockey teammates, or every couple of weeks,

and we talk and stuff like that. And I don't I don't know what's going on. It's not just it's not just me, but it's them, too. Like the one buddy in particular, he he over the course of this, like last, I guess, calendar year, went out with two girls, spent the weekend with one and they all already had boyfriends. with two girls, spent the weekend with one, and they all already had boyfriends. And so there's this a lot of like, lack of trust infidelity. And as for me, after those three relationships, I took, I'm not gonna lie, I kind of went a little, little, little nuts, you know, partied and did stuff. And every time I would hook up with someone, they were either married, dating, engaged. And it wasn't just people in my age bracket. It was older women too.

So 20s, 30s, 40s. That one can lead into 50s. Anyway, but I digress. So for me, I spent a long time just kind of going away from that like i wouldn't i wouldn't drink at parties or social events because i'm a very flirtatious drunk okay and it landed me in trouble so i just was like you know what i'm gonna spend a few years uh just working on me don't really you know kind of go away from that stuff then the pandemic happened which helped but I finally last year I guess around this time last year I got involved with

someone a friend of mine from university who I thought at the time was broken up with her longtime boyfriend and she turns out she wasn't they were still together and i found that out three months into the whole relationship and you know red flag was it like a relationship was it a situation ship did she like you were like i want you to be my girlfriend she's like yes and she had a boyfriend at all at the same time well she flirted around with it like that was the thing and i knew her i've known her for seven years and so i was like you and so and so are done and all this and she's like oh yeah yeah I mean we talk on occasion

and I'm going alright but I said look it's been three months you know I want to we have this great connection I would like to you know continue that and take it to the next level.

And then everything comes out. And I'm just like, I waited at this point, it was like three, four years to hopefully be in the best situation. And that's what happened. So then I went back to what my friends call is monk mode. It's just like, you know what? I play hard to get. Please don is monk mode. It's just like, you know what? I play hard to get. Please don't play hard to get rid of. Let me just, you know, live my life.

So just, I want to recap, you know, you were single for three or four years working on yourself. Pandemic was a part of that, obviously it made it hard, a little harder to date. And then you happened to meet someone from back in the day you liked and you, you know, you had some good connections with great some great expectations came with your excitement you invested three or four months with this person only to find out that they were still involved with someone else well we we were we were friends throughout this entire time like when we like we there wasn't like a lag and like we were always talking and you know and friendship like that and then just I don't know one night we

were we just went out and things happened but it was just and then it just that's what started the situation ship and it's just more and more I noticed and like look guys are like guys cheat too I know that and I have female friends who have been cheated on and all that and for me it's just like you know i used to believe in in in romance and all that stuff but i just as the years have gone on and not just me but other people that i'm close to like i felt like when i was emailing your producer my buddy was going to be the best man at this wedding and the the wedding got called off because, so they went to the bachelor party in Nashville. They, the bridesmaids and the bride to be were going to Vegas. And then something happened in Vegas called the whole thing off. So of course he goes, so were

you in Vegas in June? I'm like, no, come on. So, so, so that got called off too. So I'm just, my question really is, is, and I know you've talked about infidelity and cheating and stuff like that, but when someone's like heart is so hardened and I'm speaking, I guess on behalf of me and my friends, when someone's heart is so hardened because of all this stuff and all this past infidelity, how do you get around to that? How do you get around to opening yourself up? Or is it literally really a case-by-case basis? long period of time then you started a connection with someone you know that you knew it didn't work out you found out they were being not as honest with you as you would like them to have been and then you said to me that you saw it as like this kind of huge failure and this wasted investment and you kind of decided to revert back to whatever you know fuck boy just parting whatever and i guess what i'm saying is like well i understand the disappointment that like it

doesn't make sense to me that you decided to like, think that like three years of working yourself was a waste because you gave so much power to this one person that, you know, you still only really invested three months in. The sad reality is that there are a lot of people who lack character and cheat. And it's all the more reason to like, and cheat. And it's all the more reason to like take things slow when we get excited about someone and listen to our guts and ask questions, you know, like you said, when you would check in, she was being vague. Like, that's not something to be vague about. You should have been like, what do you, what do you mean? Kinda. There's this thing people do right often is like, they'll say like, well, I didn't tell you cause I didn't want you to get mad, you know, and they make up that excuse. But not

that it's our fault when we ask, but we also don't ask questions because we're afraid we'll get mad or we're afraid of hearing something we don't want to hear. So when you're like, oh, you're not hanging out with me anymore. And she's like,'s like you know kind of your ego's probably being like yeah kind of kind of sounds good enough yeah that's the answer i want but deep down you know it's not the answer you wanted to hear but you were too afraid to be like well what do you mean by kind of you know you know as someone who's gotten cheated on it's a mindset too like you can't prevent someone from cheating on you but I have always taken the approach and I've entered into a relationship that like, if you ever cheat on me,

just rest assured I'll be fine, but I'll judge the shit out of you. You know, because I think we go in this, these relationships be like, please don't cheat on me. Don't ever cheat on me. I'll be so embarrassed and blah,

blah, blah. And I'll just, I'll die. Even if like, it's someone who hasn't cheated on you yet. You're like, you're in a relationship.

You're just like, and we will do that because we'll get in these relationships and we'll talk if like, it's someone who hasn't cheated on you yet. You're like, you're in a relationship. You're just like, and we will do that because we'll get in these relationships and we'll talk about like, I was really hurt by my ex and they really cheated on me and they, they hurt my trust and like, please don't like be, be gentle with my heart. And there's obviously something to be said about like saying, you know, Hey, this, this hurt me in the past. Like be considerate. You know, if you care about me, be considerate. But when it comes to infidelity, I've always kind of taken the mindset of like, if you cheat, that's on you. I'm going to trust you. And if you go out and you do whatever, I can't stop you. At the end of the day, you'll have just embarrassed yourself

and I'll be fine. I'll be sad. Don't get me wrong. I won't be completely indifferent at first, but at the end of the day, this will be a, you think everyone likes to think they have good character. Right. You know, like how many people you go around, but like, do you think you have good character? People are gonna be like,

well, to be honest, I don't know. It's a little bit in question, but I personally don't think, I think a lot of people who think they have good character don't exactly have good character. Am I making any sense?

No, honestly you are like, you know, the last couple of days.? No, honestly, you are. Like, you know, the last couple of days and so, but I noticed a lot more anxiety now because with other people, not just me, like people are worried about, you know, oh my God, my partner might cheat on me,

but how you just articulated it. Yeah, it's just kind of the mindset I have. And anytime I might feel insecure about something, I remind myself like, well, you know, like that's not my problem. I mean, again, yeah, I'll be sad. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a robot type of thing, but you know, and I think when you're in these like situationships or early dating stages where you find yourself being afraid to ask questions, you want to remind yourself,

I need to find out whether I'm with someone with good character or not sooner than later. So that's why I need to ask these questions. Because if they are someone who doesn't have good character, I don't want to waste any more time with them. Honestly, what I'm really embarrassed about is looking the other way with someone I could have easily found out if they had the character that I wanted in someone by just simply asking some more honest questions and paying attention to their answers. But we're so embarrassed about finding out we had a crush on someone who turns out to be kind of a prick that we don't ask the right questions. Your ego was so fragile at the time of being like, well, maybe she's still hanging out

with him. And instead of just being like, am I wasting my time with you? Just let me know. And I pretty much said that because it was at that point we were heading into Christmas and I'm like, look, you know, we're heading into Christmas at this point. We've been kind of doing our thing since the summer. No more beating around the bush. I kind of want to know if I'm wasting my time because, you know, at that point there

was just so many red flags that I was just, I had no time for that. I just wanted to be direct. And I was like, look, just tell me the truth. No matter how bad it is, I'm prepared for it. So with the whole, I guess, asking the direct questions is three months too long. Like how long would you gauge if there were some red flags? Like just like the hard questions, like if there's red flags going on,

like if, you know, well, the thing with us was she was always nervous that we would run into people we knew. And I found that weird. That's weird. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, no, there were certain like physical things that were okay, but there were other physical things that weren't okay because in her mind that was cheating. And I'm like, no, there were certain like physical things that were okay, but there were other physical things that weren't okay because in her mind that was cheating. And I'm like, well, if we're doing this, give me an example. I'm trying to be as gentle. Um, it's anonymous. You don't have to be gentle. Oh, right. Yeah. Okay. Great. So, um, in the heat of passion, it was okay to, you know, like do oral and stuff like that.

But, you know, when it came to sending in the general, she was like, that to me seemed like I was cheating on my boyfriend. But I'm like, but we're like, you know, you're okay with oral. You're okay with sending. I'm confused. So she was saying, if I'm, if I'm sucking, if I'm going down going down on you i'm not cheating on my boyfriend but if we have sex i am yeah we did we had spent a night but wait did you know like i thought you were under the impression she wasn't hanging out with her boyfriend well at the point no no that's when i started like when we spent a night and i had a hotel and there were certain things like she had non-negotiables and

that was fine i was was a gentleman about it. But when I, after that weekend, I was like, she was very like with her phone, she was very protective with her phone. And I, you know, respect someone's privacy, but I, but that particular night I was just like, okay, like what's going on? And then the floodgate started open and she's like, that's why, you know, when we were, you, like I didn't allow this or I didn't know, stuff like that. So that was stuff where I was just like, oh, well. And did you even like bother? Like if someone says to me, I would just be like, okay, I wouldn't waste my time. I was like a mental pretzel.

Well, what's the, why? Wait, what she said was insane. Yeah. yeah and so like when someone says something like nutty or crazy to you like it's crazy to try to argue with them about it i mean like in your world maybe that's not cheating but like this is this weird it's too much what i do know now is that you still have something going on with him and so i think we should just end this you trying to like have a conversation with her about this and trying to like have some sort of semantic argument of like what's cheating or not and whether oral is or isn't is this like you getting into the weeds she wants to get in the weeds with you because like that's she wants

to trip you up you know she wants you to say something but the point is like she was just wrong like we haven't talked and like that friendship's done like that's all like over and stuff like that like i have friends now they're like like oh so you're ready to go back out there now because of what happened you know because you were willing to go out with this person and i'm just i don't know like i just my anxiety kind of goes up because i'm just like oh oh no you know i've been done this movie so many times now. I've been on the other side of it as well. It's just one of those things that I... But how you articulated it is something that makes it a little easier, I think. Yeah, I think next time you go out on a date,

inevitably you meet someone you like. The cheating conversation always comes up. Have you ever cheated? Stuff like that. And then you can kind of say, yeah, I've been cheated on few times and you know what i really learned at the end of the day was it used to really bug me i used to get embarrassed and i don't know if you've ever been cheated on but like i stopped being embarrassed because i realized i didn't cheat i was embarrassed for them and i guess going forward like certainly i don't want to get cheated on in the future but like it's not really something i concern myself with anymore because I'd rather just choose to trust because

that's the type of relationship I want. And if I find out that they were unfaithful, then I guess I pity them. But like, it doesn't really say anything about me. I'm always going to try to be a good partner. I'll always be willing to take feedback and how to be a better communicator and a better lover and to pay attention to love languages. But like, I can't stop someone from cheating on me. So I don't worry about it anymore. And if I find out that they did, then I have the closure I need. Like, honestly, it's the best closure I've ever gotten. I don't have any questions. It's just like, well, they cheated and I don't date cheaters. You know, you're just framing it away where it's just like the idea of them cheating on you is such a, like, you just kind

of pre-judge in a way where it's just like, oh, well, I guess if that's what you want to do, if that's how you want to characterize yourself, then okay. Because at the end of the day, like most relationships end and all you're asking is someone is just be upfront and end the relationship before they fuck someone else. You know? Nice, yeah. So it's just like, hey, listen, if you don't want to date me anymore, that's fine. You know?

And I also think the less fear you have about something happening, the less likely it is to happen. You face it head on. And you kind of like politely, like a gentleman, you have your confidence and your expectations of your partner. You know? I expect the person I date, I want X, Y, and Z. I want to have good communication. I want to have faithfulness and trust. And like, I'm always going to choose to trust. I'm not a jealous guy. If I feel the need to check phones and I, then I tell them, I'm like, listen, you're doing some shit that makes me insecure. So like, I don't know what's going on, but I'm feeling a certain way.

And this needs to get addressed because like, this is weird this is weird. For example, if you're like, why are you always nervous about running into people? Can we address that? And you address a behavior head on. Yeah, those were the top two things that were a little sus. But I guess one more thing is, and one of my other buddies is kind of going through it now. If someone comes back, someone who's cheated on you comes back months later, says, I've changed, I've reevaluated, and I've cheated on you before, but I want to give it another shot. Now, what?

I wouldn't personally. Okay. Yeah. I just think there's so many people in this world that haven't shown me that they're going to break my heart or haven't shown me that I can't trust them, that I'd rather choose the field than rather someone else who's already shown me that they aren't considerate with my heart when I've already given it to them. Yeah. I kind of said that to him, but I said, I'd ask you anyway. I said, no, take the mystery box. You already know what you got with that person. People don't change that drastically in a few months. She can say, I'm sorry. I hope that you can forget that I did this. I hope you can give me a second chance I don't deserve. But you haven't changed. It's been two months. What have you done to change? changed it's been two months what have you done to change well i've said that to him too i was like that i've said where are the receipts i said that's it's been a few months like are there receipts like you know in terms of what exactly has she done and at the time he hadn't really known he was just like oh i just i got this message last night and i just was like oh boy

i was just like oh dude uh yeah it probably just didn't work out for her. And now she's like hoping to come back and it's more based off of convenience rather than she's changed. Here's what I would tell your buddy to say to her. I would say, I have no confidence that you will handle a similar situation differently in the future. Like, what's to stop you? You can't say this to you now because there's no one in this moment. You're not a, not with me. And there's no one else you want to have sex with. I have no confidence to believe that if we were got back together and you met someone that you were attracted to, because that's a certainty, that's a guarantee that she's going to meet someone because there's people all over.

We can be attracted to, but what's going to stop you from prioritizing our relationship in the future in ways that you didn't in the past? And there's nothing you can say to me that's going to give me that certainty. So, no. Wow, that's gold. I'm going to link them once the episode goes up. And then you say something really spiteful like, I'm glad you've changed though. that goes up. And then you say something really spiteful,

like I'm glad you've changed though. And I really, I hope that the people you choose to invest in the future get to experience that, but I'm good. And it's just something I've noticed that there's so much anxiety now. Like even my female friends, like their boyfriends are just so anxious and they have no reason to be,

but it's just because there's this perpetual, I don't know what's going on. I'm just outside Toronto. So I don't know if it's a Toronto thing or what, but it's just, everyone is so like on like eggshells and I'm, and I'm saying, you know,

you've talked about communication versus effective communication. And I'm just, I'm just saying, you know, have that effective communication because, you know, you're all all loyal and that's great. So you don't want to have your anxiety so ramped up that it could tarnish. Yeah, you definitely don't want to, but you just have to, I guess, keep talking, keep communicating.

There are definitely people out there who don't cheat. Oh, I know. There's a lot of people who do, but letting people know that it's not something you tolerate and it's just like, it's not something you even concern yourself with. If nothing else,

I think that helps ensure that they will at least give you the courtesy of breaking up with you before they end something. Because that's all it is. Like, you know, you say I've gotten cheated on

three times. Like, I wouldn't like focus on that. Like, basically, you had three girlfriends who decided that they didn't want to date you anymore. And happens you know they went about in a really shitty way it wasn't so much that nick it was when i was newly single and people i were i was hooking up

with that they were they weren't single so that was where my like i was yeah but that's that's you know you're out there drinking at the bars, fucking around, having one night stands. Like your chances are, you're going to find some people in that pool who are, you know what I'm saying? Like anyone out there listening, if, if you're out there like hitting up the bars and, and sleeping around and participating actively in hookup culture, chances are you're going to run into some people who are cheating on their partners. I, after a few, I was just like, I'm done. That's not my life anymore. I was just, that was my kind of eureka moment where I had to stop.

And this is with a face like this. I'm not Chris Evans or Harry Styles. This is with a face like this. So like, you know, I'm more Leonard from Big Bang Theory than any of those guys. So, yeah. I think you're going to be just fine. Don't beat yourself up. You know, than any of those guys. So, so yeah. I think you're gonna be just fine. Don't beat yourself up. You know, you all have those moments, but when things don't go your way, don't let it snowball and have it be something bigger than it is. All you did was find out someone

you invested three months in wasn't who you thought they were. And that's not the end of the world. That, that happens a lot. And you probably could have shortened that period of time, but by asking more direct questions and trusting your gut and, and not avoiding, you know, questions you didn't want tough answers to. Yeah. And I wouldn't discount all the work you put in and then allow yourself to

snowball and kind of have destructive behavior just because one person you barely, you know, don't really know all that much disappoints you. Yeah, for sure. Well, thanks.

That's, you know what, honestly, thank you so much. Like a lot of truth bombs in there. So yeah. All right, buddy. Awesome, for sure. Well, thanks. That's, you know what, honestly, thank you so much. Like a lot of truth bombs in there. So yeah. All right, buddy. Awesome. All right. Well, thanks for calling. I appreciate it. Thank you. All right. Take care. Have a good one, everyone. You as well. All right. Bye-bye.

Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickacastme.com. And if you are a click away from pre-ordering Don don't text your ex happy birthday, it would mean the absolute world to me. There is a link in my bio on my Instagram. There is a link in my bio on TikTok. There is a link in the show description. If you want a signed copy and they're still available, I'll put that link up there as well. Get it from Barnes and Noble if you're into my signature. Thanks for listening. Bye.