The Viall Files - E476 Ask Nick - I’m Thinking Of Him While Having Sex With BF

Episode Date: September 19, 2022

Welcome back to another juicy and exciting episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! On this show, we’re here again to bring on our callers to answer their burning questions and to help give advice to the situations that they are in. Our first caller is still having fantasies about her ex even though she is happy with her current boyfriend. She wonders if she is living too much in the past, describing a picture perfect situation she has created for herself and finding herself also worrying about the dangers of living in a fantasy. Our next caller shares that her boyfriend broke up with her because he thought she traveled too much, while he himself was away on a boys’ trip. Even though he seems like he was the problem, she feels guilt and has difficulty moving on.  Our last caller worries that her boyfriend's new found career choice may take him away from where they currently live. Feeling like she is settled with a strong job, she wonders if it’s worth the sacrifice to move with him and how she should best react to his potential new career choice.  “You can do the right thing and still hurt his feelings.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: StoryWorth: StoryWorth helps bring you closer to your loved ones. Learn all about the stories you can discover together at http://www.StoryWorth.com/podcast. Chime: So what are you waiting for? Hopefully not your paycheck. Get started with Chime today. Applying for a free account takes less than 2 minutes. Get started at http://www.Chime.com/Viall.  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick Edition. I'm your host Nick, joined by Allie and Amanda. Also Greg Grippo is in the studio with me. Not because he is really a part of this Ask Nick, it's because he's recapping The Bachelor with me and we were recording this intro a bit in advance. A little behind the scenes for y'all. And if you haven't already listened to our update episode, it's out there. People are loving it. If you haven't gotten to it yet, make sure you check it out. Obviously, big week

ahead of you with The Bachelor. I don't know who we're going to get, but we are going to get somebody. I always ask for the most upset person. It's usually the most upset person who's not going to be the next lead. Is Rachel and Tino still together? Wouldn't that be juicy? Maybe if they're not still together, we get to interview Tino. Or maybe it'll be Avon or Zach. Or maybe it'll be Jason.

So that will be both recap going deeper. Also, Greg, just how's your heart? Since this is the relationship episode of Ask Nick and you're in the studio with me, I might as well just ask you how your heart is. How's my heart? Yeah, I was like, are you in love? Are you dating?

I'm single. I think the last time we spoke, I was in a relationship, but no, I'm recently single. Okay. Yeah. On a scale of one to 10, your heart is between like happy and healthy

versus sad and healing. Where would you rate your heart on a scale of one to 10? Yeah, that's tough. I think that's the reason why I'm nervous talking about it because I'm definitely, uh, I I've gone through ups and downs, um, through, uh, the breakup. Um, but I feel like I'm on my way up now. Um, I feel like i'm on a new chapter of it um and it feels good it feels like i'm finally like living life on my terms it feels like i'm making myself happy it feels great awesome yeah like a like a seven then maybe like a seven point it's like you know what eight eight is really good i think it's like i think it's on its way to eight okay on our way to eight i was. I was about a four month ago.

Okay. All right. Yeah. How are you ladies doing? I just went to a wedding in Maryland. Stopped in D.C. for a little bit. Had never been there. Did you meet any boys at the wedding?

Well, I tried to. It didn't work. I thought this guy was really hot. And so I was talking to the bride, who's my childhood friend. And I was like, do you know who this guy is? Because he was sitting on like the other side of the room. So I wasn't sure if he was on the groom's side or how they did the seating arrangement. And she was like, yeah, he's my coworker. And I was like, wow, I think he's like super hot. Like I would like to talk to him. So she goes over and like pulls him off the table. And I had drank a

lot of wine at this point. So I fully was fully was just like yeah I thought you were super attractive so I wanted Megan to like connect us and the man was like so silent and it was so hard to make a conversation with him and I was I was thinking maybe because it was really loud and so I was like why don't we just like you want to go grab a drink because they had like the open bar in a separate area and he said yeah and so i thought it was it was just the noise level but the man was just like mute like nothing was happening took him to a second location yeah he was just like here's the thing like you gotta have some sort of banter and it was so sad and then he was like are you here with anyone and i was like yeah i'm staying with my parents and i think that really just i was like this isn't going anywhere.

But I tried. Well, good for you for trying. I really thought there was like a 30% chance that story was going to end with like, and then we went to his hotel and had sex. Yeah, I don't think that would have like flown super well with my parents.

Yeah, probably not. Probably not. So wait, like wink twice if that's what happened, but you just don't want your parents to see it. Oh, no, nothing happened. I think he was attractive.

That's the thing I wanted. I would tell you if something fun happened. When you stay with your parents at a hotel, do you stay in the same room as them or do you get a different room? Oh, I've been told that if I want my own room, I can pay for it. So it's just a full. So it's like two clean. You're on the pullout couch. My dad took the pullout couch because he's a gentleman.

But yeah. Okay. And then my mom and I had the king. So were you actively looking for a different hotel room to sleep in during the wedding since it was like mom and dad? Not really because I didn't think I was going to hook up with anyone. Okay. I don't know.

Maybe. If I couldn't even have a conversation with the guy, I'm not sure we needed to take it to the next step. Well, you shot your shot. Did you have fun overall? It was really, really fun. And it was like girls that I had known since kindergarten. And then I met like her college friends.

They were super nice. So 10 out of 10. I experienced motherhood at your house, Nick, taking care of two dogs. Is my dog still alive? Is Jeff doing well? Yes. Jeff is wonderful. And the thing I realized. Amanda's house sitting, my house.

Is house sitting Jeff individually very different than house sitting him with a friend? And I like Jeff and Ziggy are both wonderful, wonderful doggies on their own together. Ziggy sucks. For context, this is Cindy's dog. Your carpet is going to be polka dotted when you come back. I cannot emphasize the amount

that Ziggy peed. I would leave the house for like truly 20 minutes. I'd come back, Ziggy has pe has peed well the good news is that carpets for shit were replacing anyways but but it was it was does she pee on the couch at all that's all i really care no no no pee on the couch but they were i had to i put towels down before i left this morning because i was worried about them but it was a really interesting representation of like how someone is so different when they're with their friends. Like I think nowhere is that more clearly illustrated than with dogs where like people who are so mild mannered and easygoing will suddenly become little fiends. Jeff's very protective of. Attention.

Yes. If you give anyone else attention, he's not thrilled. You also have him so programmed that like when it is breakfast time, when it is like that six in the morning breakfast, the dog has literally like decked me in the face to wake up. And he's like, it is time for me to eat. Let's go. He knows what he wants.

But my dog's still alive and the house is still standing. Yes, everything is okay in that sense. I'm curious though, because I feel like because I didn't grow up with dogs, I'm a little bit like cautious with them. Like I think I'm too delicate. Do you guys, Greg, did you grow up with dogs, I'm a little bit, like, cautious with them. Like, I think I'm too delicate. Do you guys, Greg, did you grow up with dogs? Nick, do you guys feel like you have dog proficiency?

I have an 11-year-old dog. She is literally, like, the queen of our household, though, in my family. She eats salmon every single day or meatballs. We feed her well in the group at home. I also feel like it's the same with children, though, of when you're the parent versus when you're someone who doesn't know the child or the dog. Anytime someone steps on Kiki, they'll be like, Oh my God, I'm so sorry, you poor little baby.

I'm like, Huh, she's fine. As a parent, I feel like you're more so like, Rub some dirt in it. You're good. It was a fascinating experience of being like, The second I walk in the house, I do like my needs are not relevant. Like there's other stuff that is more urgent to attend to. And I feel like I've really been idealizing motherhood recently. And this was a great sort of like, whoa, there, cowgirl.

Rude awakening for you. Well, I'm glad I could help in that sense. Yes, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Keep you grounded. I did that deliberately so you would like sacrifice your personal life and continue to work for me and not leave. Imagine if like in three months Amanda was like, I'm pregnant. I'm leaving.

I would. Wow. Selfishly. I mean, whatever Amanda wants for her happiness, I support. But selfishly, I hope. I feel like. Okay. Maybe this is completely off the market.

I'm sure a million people are going to be like, I'm 25 and I'm a mom. But I feel like there's like two waves of kids where there's the people who have kids kind of like they get married pretty early out of high school or right out of college. And then they have kids in their early, early 20s. And then there's the people who are in the 27 onward camp. I just feel like in your mid-20s, that feels like a really, really unique time to have children. I think it comes down to like whenever you have kids they change your life drastically so you know so like regardless of where you're at and i think you're just having a recognition that like you might not be ready

for your like life to completely change right that's i think when it comes down to like whatever it is like i've always conceptualized like what, what a huge, obviously colossal, colossal shift. It's just, like, the actual experience of having repeatedly, like, other things that demand your attention. Yeah. Regardless of what you want to do. I hope the moms don't come for me. Like, obviously, it's very hard. I have a lot of respect for the moms out there.

I can't. Or just being a parent. Yeah. Like, I can't wait to be a father. But, like, when that happens, yeah, I want to, I'm going to, like, give so much, and that's going to change my life. I don't know how,

but it will, you know. And, um, yeah, I think it's good to, like, appreciate. Like, even when I got Jeff, it was, like, I wanted to make sure I was ready to give him like the love I thought I could you know and or

just the time I mean it's a little different I think when you have a kid but yeah put the kid in a crate for a few hours and come home you know people like oh I got a kid well nothing really changes yeah because like all the studies that they it's like in reading all these books about like attachment or various

ways of you know mental situations that you can end up in so many of them trace back to early childhood and like the degree to which like as an infant you were met with attention when you express discomfort so it's really crazy like even though they're like oh they're tiny little nugget they're not going to remember this it's like they they do. It's ingrained in them deeply. It will impact the way they can handle trauma in their 20s. Don't fuck up your kids. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you have taken care of Jeff with the love that you had to share

and my house is still standing. Few things are better than hearing loved ones, especially parents and uncles and grandparents, tell cherished stories of their childhoods. I always remember as a kid, one of my favorite times of getting together was having all my aunts and uncles and grandparents and parents humanize themselves. And we can lock that in with StoryWorth. StoryWorth is making it easier to connect with loved ones than ever before. And it makes the perfect gift. StoryWorth is an online service that helps you and your loved ones

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It's just a cherished gift that will help bring everyone closer together and you'll have forever. StoryWorth helps bring you closer to your loved ones. Learn all the stories you can discover together at storyworth.com slash podcast. That's storyworth.com slash podcast to learn all the stories you can discover. storyworth.com slash podcast. That's storyworth.com slash podcast to learn all the stories you can discover. Storyworth.com slash podcast. No one likes waiting on a paycheck, especially when you've got bills to pay.

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credit and setting yourself up for a healthy financial future. That's what Chime is going to let you do. I just want to know that you guys are making twice as much money as I was making at your age. You want to talk inflation, sir? Twice as much money. I'm just saying. Were you living in LA? So what are you waiting for? Hopefully not your paycheck.

Get started with Chime today. Applying for a free account takes less than two minutes. Get started at Chime.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's Chime.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's chime.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp Bank or Stride Bank, NA, members FDIC. Let's get into the episode, Greg. Always great to see you. Go back and check our recap that we recapped last week before. I mean, honestly, if you haven't listened to it before the finale this week, you're going to want to get our takes. That's for sure. Greg, it's nice to know your heart is doing well.

Thank you. I really appreciate it. It's nice to know that you're heading towards that eight. Don't forget, again, big week of, you know, batch ahead. Oh, by the way, texting office hours Monday morning. Send in those questions at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K for all things Ask Nick. And let's get to our callers.

Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick our callers. How's it going? Good. My name is Emma. I'm 28 years old. Hi, Emma. How can I help?

All right. I don't even know where to start. So, okay, let's start off with I've been in a lot of situationships recently, and I will say your podcast has helped me kind of learn how to set expectations. And I'm trying to use what I've learned so far in this scenario that I'm in. But back in 2013, I started dating this guy who, upon reflecting on it, he's definitely my first love. And we had on on again, off again, off again relationships. And then ultimately in like 2016, it ended for reasons that had to do kind of with religion, not on my end, but from his family's end. And I really don't think that that was his, like he didn't want to end it, but we had this kind of lingering kind of unsettled solution to

the end of our relationship for a lot of years, but we both moved on. We still stayed connected on Instagram through social media. He was on my close friends. I'm on his close friends. And every big move in life, just three years ago, I moved to a totally different city away from him. Well, that wasn't my intention for moving to a different city. But before all these big moments in life, we always catch up either a phone call or we'll send memes to one another. We're both Harry Styles fans too. So Harry Styles is a pretty big deal in our relationship or our friendship or whatever it is, I guess. I've been in other relationships, and currently I am in a relationship with my new partner, but we're kind of on a rocky road right now. We're kind of taking a break, which kind of sets the scene for why this whole situation happened in the first place. So you're currently on a break?

With not the guy that I started talking about. Not Harry Styles fan. Yes, not Harry Styles man, yeah. And then this person you're on a break with, is this someone you called your boyfriend or it was a boyfriend? It was a boyfriend. Yeah. And when you say break, why is it not just a breakup? Okay. It's a break because I am not so certain if I see a future together for a couple of reasons that are like unrelated to the reason I'm calling.

But the most specific one is throughout the past six years or so, any situationship I've been in, it's been so hard to not think about this first. We'll call him Harry Styles. I'd love to call him Harry Styles. It's been so hard to not think about Harry Styles. Anytime I'm having sex with someone, it's like his name is at the tip of my tongue. Like I can't get him out of my head. Like I'm always thinking about someone, it's like his name is at the tip of my tongue. Like I can't get him out of my head. Like I'm always thinking about him. That's intense. Yeah, it's pretty intense. And I just don't know if that's because,

you know, he was my first love or if there's still like unresolved things happening. And even when we're on our close friends, like I made him a blanket once and he'll always post it in his story, like even with his new girlfriend. And it's like a shout out to me and I can see it. He sent this to you or you're assuming?

Well, I assumed, good question. I assumed until about three weeks ago, he sent me a text because he was in a different country for his sister's wedding. And he sent me this text. We were kind of chatting back and forth, catching up on each other's lives. And I asked if he had a plus one to this wedding. So kind of curious about his life. Cause I noticed he stopped posting pictures of his girlfriend on his Instagram. And he told me that she broke up with him and he wanted to call me like three months ago when that happened. And of course I was like elated. I'm like, oh my gosh, like he's thinking of me. I'm thinking of him too. I've been thinking about him for the past six years, like in a way that's beyond just being close on, you know, Instagram

is close friends and things like that. And so we got talking more and he told me the blanket thing that he like would post on his story to like catch my attention and kind of show me that he still uses the blanket I gave him. So that validated my curiosity there. And then we started talking more about how he has old photos of me when we were dating, like in 2013, which like,

first I was like, I was a child, like I was really young. I mean, above like age, it was all cool, whatever, but like,

he still has these photos. And I was like, when is the last time you looked at these photos? And he's like back in June. And I'm like, oh. So as this is going on, it, you know, you asked why or who like initiated the break with my current partner. And part of this in my perspective is just to kind of resolve these questions I've been having for all these years. So our texts got really heated back and forth and we ended up sending like photos, videos

to one another. You and Harry? Me and Harry. Yeah, that's correct. I really, really wish this was actually Harry Styles, but it's not, but we'll pretend. If you actually wish it was Harry Styles, I mean, I know you're kidding, but it's taken away from a little bit of, you know, Harry. Yeah. We ended up sending photos to one another. And when you say photos, like nudes? Yeah, of course. Of course.

Okay. Just pictures of us with our food, smiling. This is a good lunch. No, they were, they were nudes. And then this was like a week of that, like straight while he's in another country. And then I just hear radio silence from him and I hear nothing. And I wanted to address this like uncommunicated distance because throughout the nudes like that we were sending, I kind of lied. And I said I was coming back home for work, which like I bought a plane ticket.

Oh, so it wasn't work. You bought a plane ticket to rendezvous with Harry. For sure. Yeah. And I didn't want to tell him that I was coming specifically to see him because I didn't want to put pressure on the situation. Like in other situationships that I've been in before, I've gone to, I've gone back home to hang out with people and then they don't end up calling. And then I'm spending the whole entire trip waiting for them to call and I ruined the whole trip. So I didn't want to make it just about that, but I did tell him I'd be home for work. And we're talking about what kind of weekend we'll have, what kind of night we'll have, just reconnecting and having sex. Because that would be really, really awesome.

So I booked the plane ticket i have the hotel and that's like this week and i haven't heard from him like at all and so i'm feeling really frustrated reached out to him and get no response so i reached out to him and kind of like asked what this uncommunicated distance was about and he said you know like upon reflecting on everything that happened, it just didn't feel right. It didn't sit right with him. He doesn't know if this is something that would be good for him. And, you know, I said, like, I understand where you're coming from, but like two, my emotions were involved in this too. And like, he doesn't owe me,

like, he doesn't owe me clarity. Like he's not my partner, but like to just be so intimate and involved in this conversation and then to just completely stop. He said he didn't know how it would make him feel that he hasn't been selfish enough in his life and that he doesn't know how he'll feel when he'll come back to America. But he said that he would be willing to think about it once he starts his new job, which was yesterday. And maybe it can happen. Maybe what can happen? Us seeing each other. Okay. What did you say? And now I'm in this space where like, I didn't want to text him yesterday and be like his parent or his mom or babysitter, be like, how is your first day at work, honey?

Like, no, I don't, he hasn't texted me. Like, but how did you respond to him saying that? Like, what was your immediate response to all the things that he, like you just said to me? Yeah. So my response to him, um, like I wanted to set the expectation and I was like, I don't want to play games with you. When I'm back home, I'd love to see you without any expectations. If you feel more comfortable choosing to live in the fear of what if could happen and not feeling good, I respect that. He goes, he says, I'm not going to be back to my normal life or what will be normal until a month from now or so. I said, okay, well, I want you to know the door's open. If you feel curious and want to explore this without judgment or expectation, I'd love to be there. And if not, I respect it. That's all I got to say. He goes, I appreciate that a lot. We can see where I'm at when I'm home. And I said, of course, I understand. Thank

you for being honest and welcoming this convo. Reach out whenever, if it feels right, safe travels home. And then he said, thank you. I mean, you have expectations though. You know, you certainly have hopes and you definitely have some expectations. Like you recognize that you can't like expect him want to date you or whatever it is, but you do have some expectations. I had this fantasy of like what it would be like to date him today. And based on how he's handled this conversation i don't want to be in a relationship with someone who appears to be very emotionally immature and lacks like these communication skills but like that doesn't mean i don't

want to have sex with harry styles okay well i'm i'm concerned about your ability to detach from those two feelings how do you mean you have romantic romantic fantasies about Harry that go beyond just sexual, it sounds like, you know? And you haven't seen him in a while. So it's definitely possible that you over-romanticize what it would be like to get back together with him, right? And so when you say you guys broke up from a religion, has that changed? I am not a very religious person. His family is and from what he shared with me all of his cousins they're a very close connected group of people um they've all married outside of their religion so yeah this gave me this hope and like oh maybe his family

isn't still like married and glued to this idea that their kids, significant others have to be within the same religion. How old was he when he broke up with you because of religion? Between like 23, 24. He's 30 now. Okay. So that definitely could be different for sure. And I didn't ask in the moment, but upon like looking at these texts, I wanted to know like what he meant by it won't be good. Like, is it not good? Because he doesn't want to like have sex with me. He doesn't want to like,

you know, fall back in love with me because his parents won't approve. Like what, what does that mean? And I don't know how to ask that. I don't think you need to ask. I don't think you need to ask him. Okay. Why not? I sent you nudes nudes you know and vice versa my guess is is that after he got the nudes that he wanted and in the moment you guys played along and it's very easy to like get hot and heavy via some texts and some nudes and and have a fun night but afterward he probably had a bit of a panic about like you getting excited you wanted to come visit and even though you're saying I have no expectations, he's probably thinking you potentially have a lot of expectations. And then as we all often do,

he probably snowballed into like, I can't get in a relationship with her. What are my friends going to say? What are my parents going to say? All these things, which does speak to his, if that is the case, lack of maturity or his ability to like think for himself and be confident with what he wants. Because at the end of the day, we want to be think for himself and be confident with what he wants because at the end of the day we want to be with people who want to be with us and are confident in their feelings and especially if you're getting back together with an ex even if a long period of time has passed and especially if like the reasons of you guys breaking up had to do with his inability to say no to mom and dad or families. You want someone who wants to stand up for you in the relationship. And my guess, it has a lot to do with all that. That's more

believable than him just being like, you know what? I didn't like the nude. You know what I'm saying? If you want to silver line it, is that he probably respects you in the relationship enough not to just have like an easy lay, so to speak, where you fly out and just have some sex. And quite frankly, I don't think that's what you want either. just want to have some sex with Harry and that you will be able to detach yourself from any emotional feelings that certainly will be like escalated if the sex is any kind of good and you have any type of romantic weekend and you know do that whole kind of playing house so to speak you have a couple dates I think it's a really risky situation for you that could really weaken you if it doesn't go the way you want. I hear that. And the two questions that follow that is the first, anytime before this whole situation occurred, he'd always be the first one to view my stories like all the time. Now, I know this is insane. I feel like this

is insane that I know this, but like he doesn't watch my stories until the last hour that they're posted. Doesn't mean anything. All it means is that he is putting thought into it. But why? Like this is a game you guys are playing. Do I just move on with the rest of my life wondering what if and still thinking about him even when I'm having sex with my current potential back on again partner or whoever it is? Like, do I just make peace with the fact that I'll just never know? Well, that's the thing is you can know, right? And listen, we've all had people in our lives that people say things like the ones who got away, so to speak, right? This would be your one who got

away. And I've talked about this before, but you did date this person, but you dated this person seven years ago and you have kept in touch with them. But the truth is you don't know what they would be like to be a partner today. Right. And so you're starting to get a little bit of a glimpse, right? You got a glimpse of this very fuck boy behavior, quite honestly. That doesn't mean he's a bad guy, but he thinks he needs to be more selfish. He has a right to maybe feel that way. I don't know what he's been doing for the past seven years but someone who says i need to be selfish right now is a red flag about someone wanting or able to be in a relationship and you have to like start seeing that as again like as

you heard me say like equality in him and stop romanticizing about what they could be in a relationship because you definitely have romanticized Harry, so to speak, into this profoundly and amazingly insane boyfriend. I mean, what I think you should do is I think you should be a little bit more assertive with shooting your shot. You're not going to get the answer you want, but you're like, I'm here if you need and I'm waiting. I really hate that you said that to him. It's fine. I wanted to be respectful of, because in that relationship, I was in a very depressed, selfish state. And I feel like, in a sense, I'm trying to prove to him that I'm not the same person that I was. I am very self-compassionate, understanding.

And I don't know why I'm trying to prove that to this person I don't even know. It's been seven, seven years ish. I'm just wondering how much you're like rewriting history. Like, and we've done that before. It's easy sometimes if a relationship ends and let's say it's a relationship we still think about, and we still like part of us wants to get back into that relationship. I did this and it is insane. It was with my first girlfriend. It was one of the many breakups we had, but I literally like she broke up with me and she wasn't really clear as to why. The truth was that she had just met another guy and wanted to suss that out. You know, granted, we met when we were 18. So it was a kind of normal thing. But I literally thought to myself, I remember I was driving home from work from Madison, Wisconsin to Milwaukee. And I remember

thinking to myself, well, I'll just figure out what I did wrong. Because if I did something wrong, that means I can fix it. Like in any relationship, there's things we can work on. You know what I'm saying? But I like obsessively like magnified all the things that I could possibly do wrong. And I really like made all the things I did wrong a huge deal. And then I could go to her and be like, you know what? I figured it out.

I could change. I could do all this, right? Because that was something that I felt like I could control then. Because when she broke up with me, like I just want to her and be like, you know what? I figured it out. I could change. I could do all this. Right. Because that was something that I felt like I could control then. Because when she broke up with me, like, I just want to date someone. I have no control over that. So I kind of manipulated myself into thinking I could like fix all this. And so I'm just wondering how much you're rewriting history. Like, were you really like this selfish nightmare and that's why it broke up? Or are you like realizing at 23 that like, yeah, you had some selfish moments. That's more what it is. Like, it's not like the biggest deal on these probably not losing sleep over the fact that I was that way. And I'm probably amplifying it in

my head, I would say, because like, we're all young and we all go through shit. But like, kind of what you just described with, you know, your ex who was really interested in someone else when she broke it off. I'm curious, this unresolved curiosity. I'm trying to separate how my current break situation for my partner is based on how I'm feeling about Harry because I felt this way about Harry for the past seven years and haven't had an opportunity to really. Have you been really upfront with him like you have been with me about how he is impacting your thoughts and feelings even though he's not really a part of your life yeah i was very honest with him that i've i told him that i always think about him when i'm having sex with anybody else and like if anything i wonder if that was just an ego boost for him like it felt

like he was really sincere and like wow like i Like I thought like after sharing that, he's like, oh wow, I feel the same. You feel the same after all this time? Like, yay. Yeah, yeah. Listen, I'm glad that you said that, right? And he probably had a lot of different reactions at first. It definitely felt good. I'm sure you boost his ego and maybe he did feel the same way.

And then maybe that later on turned into panic because maybe he's an overthinker. You know, I don't really know. But I am glad that you said it, right? Because I think to handle this situation, maybe you let things play out for a week or two, see what he says. But I really think it's one of those things you have to cut him out of your life so that you can move on. And then you can communicate that with him. And I'm sure you've heard me say some version of this, but you reach out to him and say, hey, listen, I've been doing a lot of thinking. You know how I feel about you. I'm going to reiterate it one more time. You are someone I think about. You are someone who has taken up a lot of energy in my head. You didn't ask for that.

That's how I feel about you. If I'm being totally honest, I would say everything you feel. Be vulnerable. Don't try to play a game and act too cool. At this point in your life, playing the game of getting him to chase you because you said the right thing is a giant waste of your time. Especially with him, it's only worth your time if you being totally honest and vulnerable is something he finds attractive, right? So you say that and you just say, hey, I've been thinking about you. I invest a lot of my thoughts and feelings. I've said all these things. I'm going to reiterate it.

And nothing would make me happier than us seeing each other and trying. I'm going to reiterate it. And nothing would make me happier than us like seeing each other and trying, you know, knowing that there's no guarantees, knowing that we could hurt each other, knowing that could just end tragically. But like, to me, I would rather just find out and see because I think about it. I respect if you don't want that and whatever you're going through, but just know, I'm just letting you know, cause I care about you. I am going to block you not because I'm trying to get a reaction or I'm upset you, but because I don't want to like, wonder if you're looking at my stories. So you just give him the courtesy of letting him know that you're going to do it.

And you're not doing it out of spite, but you're just saying, I need to move on from you. And I need to like stop investing all this energy into you. You know, I don't care what he says. It's either I want to try what you want to try or you're going to block me. And then once you do that, you have to get out of your head. And what you can do, you can control your thoughts. This is what I needed, like that empowerment to like build and craft, like the authenticity that I've been showing him and like

the vulnerability I have been, but in a little bit more concise. And like, I'm curious because I'm leaving to go home on Thursday. Today is not, today's Tuesday, right? So when I'm there, do I allow myself to feel excited and then send it when I'm there? Do I send it today? What would you recommend? I don't know. It's tough because he has decided that he's got this new job and it sounds like he wants to prioritize that. So you can always buy another plane ticket home, right? Yeah. And I made plans to like see my family and my friends. Yeah. Like I've mentioned it, the dates I'm coming and leaving, like very concise.

Okay. So here's what I think you should do in the short term. Block him on Instagram or block his story so he can't see your stories. Yeah. It's a bit of a game and chip on that. But like, I want him to know that he knows you're in town and he doesn't get to watch you do what you're doing while you're in town. And that will free you up from trying to hopefully not obsessively wonder if he's going to view

your stories while you're in town. It's also helping yourself, but it's some gamesmanship. I don't think you pressuring him now, you could always come back home and visit. Let's say a month goes by, right? And the timeline he gave you and you still feel the way you do. Then that's maybe when I would say it. So it doesn't have to happen before this trip. want to not waste a month, but just know that he's going to certainly just be like, well, you know, there's nothing I can do and almost even get frustrated that you are putting this on him while he's trying to focus on his new job. Yeah. I feel that. Ladies and gentlemen.

What are you doing? What do you mean? I'm making it simple. I'm making the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say, hey, we're the bra bros. Two guys that talk about Bravo. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the Brav Bros.

No. Oh. Dude, stop with the voice. Just keep it simple. I've seen promos on TV, dude. This is how you get the fans engaged. This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get listeners here.

If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it already. We need some oomph. All right, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice. Bravo, bros. Good job. Receiving whatever answer that is will give me clarity. It's not being denied. I'm not gonna see it as denial. I will be fine in this life. I just want to know if I can, I don't want to continue navigating my life where I'm at here waiting like this countdown of a month. Like, let me reach out to him now.

Like, I'd like to create a message. Yeah. If you're fine with that, just know that almost certainly you'll get some sort of like annoying response from him and then you just block him. He can figure out how to get ahold of you if he really wants to that's fine yeah you say you're you know block him on social media you don't have to block him on your phone but ask him like to respectfully not text you unless he wants to explore what you want to explore and don't say the things about like you're here from if he needs you're both entitled to each separate timelines and you both get to decide whether you want to like combine those timelines but you shouldn't be waiting whether you want to like combine those timelines. But you shouldn't be waiting on his timeline.

Like you're not adapting to his timeline. You have yours, you have his, and if you both want to combine them, great. So he has the choice to combine his timeline with yours. So be very matter of fact, be very nice, you know, and see if he decides to turn around. But more importantly, to get them out of your head, you got to start seeing it for what it is.

You're fantasizing about sex you had seven years ago. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, like you have to tell yourself, I'm just fantasizing about this guy. I've had people in my life where just like they, you know, with timing and I played them up and I was just like, wait, like if they really wanted something with me,

then they would do it. People like to be chased. And like, not that it's malicious, but like he definitely liked to know that you're thinking about him like you definitely have got caught up in this like very what can be sound really romantic and oh he's thinking about me and and this blanket and like the blanket doesn't mean anything it's cool i get it's fun and if you end up together that will be a fun story you get to tell but as it relates to you right now it really has no meaning in fact i could paint it as a picture it's kind of fucking weird you know

yeah okay so like you could do that too you know you can't help your thoughts to a certain extent so like you know you're having sex with your boyfriend and thinking about harry whatever but he consciously tried to breadcrumb you while having a girlfriend and now imagine being his girlfriend and that's the person you want to potentially date. Oh, I see what you were saying. Put yourself in her shoes. You know what I'm saying? Like, and all of a sudden he's not so amazing.

Yeah, thank you. So you just got to reframe your perspective. And, you know, I think when I make peace with this, then I'm diving into my own healing with the partner that I'm navigating now maybe he's not your guy either but yeah also maybe after you kind of you know kind of check yourself and stop over fantasizing about harry and and making him a bigger deal than he is especially if he continues to prove that he's more in this fuck boy era then maybe you will learn to appreciate what you had a little bit better. I don't know, but it's also possible that neither of them are your guy. That's incredibly reassuring to hear. Thank you.

Yeah. Thank you so much. Hopefully this is helpful. Keep us posted. We want to know what happens. I will. I will. You'll be getting an email from me this weekend. But when you send that text, do not be afraid to be very clear about what you want. And when you say that to him, you tell yourself, I deserve the things that I want on my timeline, not his. And if he can't match that, that's his problem, not yours. Yeah, you got it. You're right.

Thank you so much. All right. Good luck. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye.

How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Good. I'm Lindsay. I'm 30. How can I help, Lindsay?

Hey, so my ex left me in April of 2021. Kind of blindsided me. Came home from a boys weekend, said I like to travel too much and moved out essentially the next day. He said you like to travel too much? Yes. After he got back from a trip and then he traveled away from the home you had together. Right. And yeah. And it's funny too, because we like left the country and went and traveled really early on in our relationship. Maybe for him you did, you know? Hey. But yeah, so I did all the right things. I thought, you know, I blocked

his phone number, moved out, changed the locks, did all the, you know, did all the vile file type of things. I listened to you all the time. So I was like, Nick would be proud. But then, you know, a year later, I'm caving in. The change in the locks. I can't, what made you change the locks? Well, because he was looking for something at the house one time and I got nervous that

he would, you know, come back. So just, just, no, he wasn't like a dangerous person, anything like that. But I knew that he was at the house because the neighbors told me that he was there. So I just didn't want him to have access. You just drew a line that you were done and you acted accordingly. You didn't leave any doors or windows open. Sounds like. Nope. And I didn't drill a hole in his kayak like i wanted to but um good so then fast forward to a year later um so i mean during he wanted to drill like a small hole so he wouldn't be able to find it right away so he'd get on the lake and then start sinking yes yes uh i should have done it i should have done it that's probably i'm glad you didn't

I shouldn't have. That's probably best that you didn't. I'm glad you didn't. Okay. Well, I could still do it. But anyways, so yeah, a year later, just reflecting on things, was proud of myself for making it a year without reaching out. Still blocked on everything too. And then decided to kind of send him an apology text because I felt the way that I reacted

during our breakup was super immature. It was. I mean, we all do things we're not proud of. So I figured, oh, just... Because not the blocking or the changing of the locks. Yeah. He, he wanted to move into that place that we had together. He like contacted our landlord behind my back and was like, Oh, she's not going to be able to, you know, to have this place by herself. So I'm going to go behind her back. Fine. He didn't even know the landlord's phone number or anything. Like he went to our neighbor, got our landlord's number, contacted her, said, Hey, like she's going to give her notice. And so.

So why are you apologizing? I'm apologizing because I felt, I just, I just felt it had been a year and I had, you know, I made sure that he didn't get that place. I talked really poorly about him to our landlord, made sure he didn't get the place. I took the deposit. So I just felt I had done a few things that were a little bit immature, but. Did you split the deposit? Like, did you both pay for the deposit? Cause I feel like that's the only thing that's maybe like, I don't want to sound petty, but he started it, you know, like, would you have taught, I understand you were frustrated and hurt, but like, I'm curious,

like why did you really reach out to apologize or did you reach out and you call it an apology? Because I got broken up with because I traveled too much. And then, and then that person went and tried to basically get me evicted. And if that meant you had to say some things in the moment of which you were mad at your ex that you thought were maybe a slightly hasty at the time that caused you to like keep the apartment that you had and him not be able to do that. I don't know if that's something

you need to apologize for, you know, I don't know. Yeah. I think maybe it was a combination of apologizing and also wanting to reach out. Um, yeah, I mean, I didn't think about it like that, but we, we did, we had a good conversation after that. That was back like a year ago in April. Um, so we did have a good conversation, like pretty civil. Um, I think, yeah, well, now that you say that, I'm like, maybe I was really trying to reach out because, you know, I've dated and things and nothing has been the same. Nothing has been able to compare. I don't know if I'm just traumatized or what, but it's also only been a year. Yeah. Only been a year too. So, so a year, I know it feels like a long time and I know, you know,

you didn't want to break up and all those things, but like, you're not going to find your forever person maybe in a year. We all just think that like somehow we're entitled to that. I've been in there too, but like, we're just not, you know,

but we will tell ourselves, I've been dating for a year and I haven't felt anything that compares, that compares so like what the fuck it's like well you know how many dates did you go on in a year um i mean i was hitting the hinge pretty hard i mean i moved and things so i was like new and single and just you know i would i was hanging out you know so you were you were going for it all right you were You were giving it. Okay. Yeah. And no, everyone was just giving me like the ick right away. I was just super picky and things ended up meeting a really nice guy like in April. So about the same, like the year mark. And so, but then as of recently, I'd say in the last few weeks now,

my ex has been reaching out. He wants to come here. He wants to see me. It's like, he could sense that i was you know seeing someone else and could be happy in another relationship or or instead of having like telepathy you open the door and now he's reaching out because the door's open not because he can feel that you met someone no he can he can't feel it. He's definitely not telepathic. He does. Yeah. And definitely don't give him that. But so yeah, now he's reaching out would he wants to come here and see me is just sending me photos of us and, you know, telling me all these things. And, and I'm like, okay, what would Nick say about this?

Nick would say that he's bored and horny, right? Like, and so I'm like, yeah, maybe. So that's what I'm thinking. And I even said to him, I'm like, okay, what would Nick say about this? Nick would say that he's bored and horny, right? And so I'm like, yeah, maybe. So that's what I'm thinking. And I even said to him, I was like, are you just doing this because, you know, do you want to have sex? Like, or, you know, you're just missing me. And he's like, no, I just want to give you a hug. I'm like, a hug with your penis? Like, what do you mean?

Lots of time in the episode. A hug with your penis. Right? I just think a hug, like really, you want to drive five hours to give me a hug. Okay. So now I'm just dealing with him saying he wants to come this weekend. He was like, I want to come Labor Day weekend. And then I was actually going to be back where we lived in a couple weeks.

But he has friends coming in town. So he's like, no, no, no, like, don't come that weekend. Can you just do me a favor and just say, sorry, I'll be traveling. I did. I literally said that yesterday. Amazing. I love you for that. Yeah. So I said, I'll be gone that weekend. And he said that he had something going on this weekend. He's like, well, I'll cancel it and I'll come this weekend. And that's where we're at right now. And so he's trying real hard and he's breaking you down and you want to know what you should do. Oh, well, I know what I should.

Now he's giving me the ick. This guy that I've loved for four years is now just. What's the question? I would love to just get your idea of what I should say, how I should respond. Because he asked me to talk on the phone last night and I was like, I got to talk to Nick first. Like I can't talk to you. I said, let's talk tomorrow. So you want to end whatever thing is going, like, I guess what's the, what's the question you have? How should I respond to him? Well, I think deep down inside, I want to hurt him. Like he hurt me, right? Is it my ego or something that wants to now, now that I saw that I could get him back,

it's almost like I want to hurt him again. Yeah. Good that you can acknowledge that, you know, but now that we can acknowledge that, it's probably best to not. You have already apologized, probably unnecessarily, but nevertheless, the fact that you still have this desire to hurt him means that you probably weren't even sorry

to begin with. You were having a moment of boredom, a weakness. You raged out and you convinced yourself that, yeah, I kind of said some things that were mean. I probably should apologize. And you use the excuse of being a bigger person to reach out to him because you just wanted to check in. That's okay. You've been there, you know, whatever. But now that you can admit that you want to hurt him, you know, mentally, that yeah, you probably shouldn't. The good news for you is that you can do the right thing and he'll probably still hurt his feelings. Perfect. So there's that.

You will want to try to control that enjoyment for your own self. Stop from finding satisfaction out of this and generally become indifferent about it. That's where you want to go. That's the place you want to find. It's just what you want to feel for him is pity. The only thing that's stopping you from that being easy is that you also aren't in a place romantically. It sounds like you're generally comfortable with being single,

but it sounds like you want to find someone someday and you're not there yet. You will be. And if you were, then the pity would be easy. But the fact that you are doing this while not having someone should really like boost your confidence in yourself, right? Because you're not doing it because you have someone. You're doing it because you truly realize that he's not for you, right?

So you also can feel gratitude, you know, gratitude that he broke up with you a year and a half and you've been able to go out there and date. And all the dates that didn't work out for the past year were still dates that you went on, right? It were still people you met and personalities you got to know. And you could have been dating for this past year, planning engagements, talking about your future. talking about your future and you could have saw this ick differently and thought i don't want to be with you anymore and you could be breaking up with him for the first time this year and what you dated and what you experienced for the past year definitely wasn't a waste it was you living life and i bet if you really thought back over the past year well maybe you know you had to heal and get over it Probably had some really fun moments you might not have had had you had a boyfriend. So there's, you know, I think right now is a good opportunity to reflect on things like that

in terms of thinking about what would have my life looked like had we never broken up? What would I have missed out on had I never been single? And I think instead of feeling like petty kind of hatred and wanting him to hurt, you're going to feel gratitude and pity for him, which is way more empowering. Because when you feel anger towards someone, even if you like give into that moment, eventually you'll feel bad and have to apologize. And they still have power over you. When you want to hurt someone, they have power over you.

So just change your perspective so that you can continue to have power over this situation. And so what do you say to them? Just be honest. Kill them with kindness. You know? Hey, I think you're great. And it's really been nice to catch up. And it really warms my heart or something.

You know, lay it on. But I just realized that our past is in the past and i just don't see a future for us but i do think you're great and i'm really thankful for what we had in our lives just really be nice be really fucking nice yeah and that will that'll piss them off but don't do it to piss them off no absolutely yeah the last year has been like one of the best years of my life. So I totally agree. And I love the kindness and gratitude. It'll piss him off in the short term.

It'll bug him. He might fight for you even longer. But hopefully, eventually, he'll feel the same gratitude towards you that you feel towards him now, where he'll realize that he was probably just having a moment that maybe he has been dating and things haven't worked out. And right now he is thinking of all the things he misses that he had with you in the past and not thinking about why he broke up with you. And he did break up with you for reasons, you know, that weren't just traveling. And if he regrets breaking up with you, well, he can find someone just as good, if not better for him, but he can learn from this regret and

realize that maybe next time he's feeling selfish or feeling like he wants a little bit more that maybe he shouldn't be hasty with breaking up with someone and he should work through issues. So that could be a learning opportunity for him. That's his journey, not yours. I'd write him back something really fucking nice.

Thank him for everything. Express happiness that he seems to be doing well, even if you don't know if he is. Just imply that he's doing well and stand your ground and to say, I just don't think we should really be in each other's lives. Just because, you know, I think we should respect what we had and cherish that and let that be in the past. Oh, absolutely. Thank you so much. That's better than I could have ever expected. So thank you so much.

My pleasure. And congrats on being in a great place in your life. And I am excited about what's next to come for you. Just keep doing what you're doing. You'll eventually definitely find it for sure. For sure. I'll just stay put and stop traveling so much. Whatever you want to do, it's all going to work out awesome thank you so much you too thank you bye good luck thank you how's it going

I am good how are you good what's your name my name is Heather how old are you Heather I'm 25. Okay. So it's a little bit of a story. I've been with my boyfriend for eight months.

He's always worked. He was in the Army for a little while, but he's been back home. And since being in the Army, he's trying to find a career. He's been doing some carpentry and odd jobs um I've been helping him find a full-time job because we do live an hour and a half apart and he wants to move closer this way but I feel like he hasn't really been applying much or seriously taking the initiative to find a full-time job closer. So I've been having this conversation with him asking, like, is it what's going on? Like, why don't you interview anywhere? And he told me that he really wants to become a pilot, like specifically fly helicopters doing emergency rescue.

But the problem is that this kind of work would definitely split us apart, probably for like several years unless I were to move with him. But like I have a home and a career here. I'm pretty settled. All my family is here. So I don a home and a career here. I'm pretty settled. All my family is here, so I don't want to have to move. And the reason why he hasn't gone through with getting his license and doing this training program is because he was afraid that it would have in the relationship. So that's why he's been hesitant. And I don't know what his decision will be and whatever his decision is, I don't know what I would do.

That's your question? Kind of like just talk through what you should do or what this situation? We either have the option of me following him as he pursues this or us ending the relationship because neither of us see a long distance relationship as being feasible. You're already kind of long distance now. Well, I mean, like across the country, potentially. Okay. I'm just saying you guys do have a bit of a head start. It also sounds like maybe you're kind of over the long distance of it all though. Yeah?

Yeah. Because we don't get to see each other weekdays. It's really just weekends. Okay. You've been dating for eight months? Yeah. And you have no interest in moving. On a scale of one to ten, how would you classify your desire to ever move to a different city, try out something generally like new, risky, maybe exciting. You know, you're still young. Like what's your interest

level? 10 being like, I'm definitely going to move someday because I'm an adventurous person. One being like, I have no fucking interest. I have my job. I love my life. I love my friends. Like I do not want to move. Like where would you put yourself on a scale of one to 10? Two. I've never thought about it. Never thought about it. Okay. So then my next question, if you said two, and it's because you never thought about it,

maybe start thinking about it and then see how you feel about it then. And maybe it stays a two, but like not thinking about it and thinking about it and not wanting to do it are two different things. Right. Because like maybe the idea of not moving is just because you just, you know, you're generally content and happy with where you're at and that's fine. But maybe trying something new will invite things that you haven't even considered into your life. That's possible too. Where would he have to move?

The problem, at least with me is he doesn't know where this program would take him and once he lands a job you don't know where that would be because these helicopter pilots they go where like a natural disaster might be they go where the work takes them um so i i don't even know if he'd be in one place to settle down. Are you certain he wants to do this? Do you believe that this is something he is committed to? I guess what I'm saying is there's a lot of people at his point in his life. I've been there.

I mean, I think 25, there's a lot of people, especially nowadays, you know, you served in the armed forces, the military, and now it's just like, what do I do? And you have a lot of different ideas of what you should do. You know, oh, helicopter pilot. That sounds fun. Oh, this, you know, I went from being an accountant to different sales jobs and it might take a while. Is this something that has always been a passion of his or did it like pop in his head and now he's like, that would be cool. I almost became a teacher. There was a six month period where I thought I was going to quit my job and become a teacher. That didn't happen, you know, because I realized I was more money motivated and I was determined. I had this dinner

with my parents. I was like, I'm going to be a teacher. It turns out I was just trying to get my girlfriend back, but I was very convinced. I convinced myself. And so I guess I'm just wondering what's your level of certainty that he is committed to this? Well, I do think he's maybe like 90% set on it because I did ask him for like a number figure. And he told me that he has been considering it for years, even while he was in the army. has been considering it for years, even while he was in the army. But it just became news to me when I wrote to you. Is there no alternative? Couldn't he learn how to fly a helicopter? Well, that's what I said to him.

Be like the Channel 6 news? And do a different job. Yeah. Give us a traffic report every morning in a helicopter? I mean, you're flying a helicopter. What's the difference? I'm kidding. I'm sure there is a difference.

I don't think other careers are totally off the table, but I also don't want him to start another job or some other line of work that he's really just not happy or passionate about because of me, because I didn't want him to move. And so there's like a little bit of like guilt on my part, even though nothing's happened yet. I just don't want that to be the case either. Yeah. You're in a tough situation because there's no clear or right answer. Because on one end, there's people listening or I even can say to you,

it's like you've only been dating for eight months, right? It sounds like there's a lot of good things about this relationship you like. It sounds like maybe you have a lot of optimism what this relationship could be, right? Yeah. Maybe he's your forever guy. It sounds like maybe you've put some thought into that. But it's also only been eight months. And so regardless of this situation, we don't know if he's your forever guy yet.

We hope maybe, but we still probably have a lot to learn. And especially, I think it would be important for you to consider the fact that I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, but whatever you like about him in this relationship changes things. Sounds stupid or cliche, but like change does change things. And so while you might be settled, he's not. And regardless if it's this job or some other job is that once he settles in to whatever it is he likes or he tries something he doesn't like, that is going to impact him and your relationship. And so until there's a sense of stability in both your lives, it's probably hard to predict how you guys are going to be long-term. Now, the fact that you might be both great communicators, like you guys can potentially work through any issue. You know, I guess it depends on how strong your relationship is. Right.

Like it all comes down to like how much you guys prioritize each other versus your careers. Right. So the pragmatic thing for you to do, it's not what they would do in like a rom-com, but the pragmatic thing for you to do would just say, listen, here's what I like about us. I would express to him what you like about him, what you like about your relationship and what your hopes are for the relationship. But then you say like, you have to follow your dreams and we have only been dating for eight months. And so you can't make your choice based on whether I'm going to move or not. It's unfair to you. It's unfair to me. I can't promise you that because I can't promise that you could,

you know, try this out, move. I can move with you. And six months from now, like that could affect our relationship. You could be completely unhappy where you are and that's just going to change the relationship. We don't know. So like you guys are trying to make a bunch of decisions about like predicting how things are going to be. And that's impossible.

So you kind of have to say like, you have to decide to do this for yourself. They were not a married couple. This is not like a, like a two people have been together for two or three years. It's a very committed relationship. And you have to make the tough choice of like moving for the family where you have to make sacrifices for the greater good of the family unit or the kids or whatever. You're not in that position right now. We're talking about a guy you've dated for eight months, while good and serious and a lot of hope, you don't really owe the him or the relationship anything. That would be just a choice that you would have to want to make.

And even if you make that choice, we don't know what's going to change. Right. Yeah. And also this career path, he doesn't even know where it would take him and for how long. It also sounds like a career path that probably doesn't pay a ton. I guess it pays okay. I don't know a lot about it, but he's done a lot of research into it. I'm sure it's fine, but usually those types of jobs, I'm sure they pay fine. But what I'm saying, there are certain jobs, and it sounds like this one, where the cost to do the job,

it takes a lot of time and work and commitment and training. And if he applied that same work ethic and cost to something else, I'm just saying there's probably higher paid jobs out there. He might not be money motivated as much as other people are. I'm just laying out what I know based off the information I'm getting. Making less money does create other challenges.

I agree. And if I were to say in the future, move with him to wherever it took him, I would be giving up my job, which is a really good job. And that's not really something I want to have to do. Even in the next couple of years, I want to work potentially until retirement. Yeah. Here's what I kind of think you should do is I think you kind of flip it around on him. Right. And he kind of expressed the fear that he has is that, well, if I didn't want to tell you this because I kind of was afraid that it would end us. Okay. Well, you're kind of both playing a game of chicken. I don't think you should be disingenuous, but it doesn't sound to me that you're in a position

that you are willing to take this risk for him or this relationship. And that makes a ton of sense. Ultimately, I certainly can't tell you I'm going to move for you or with you, but I do think you should follow your dreams. I support that. I don't want to break up with you either.

A long distance is an ideal, but I'm not going to break up with you and follow your dreams. But it is going to be harder on both of us. And I guess we're just going to have to wait and see. I'll try to visit you. You'll try to visit me. But if you move, it is a risk. We might not work out. I'm not saying that as a threat. All I know is right now is I'm not going to quit my job right now for this relationship. I'm sorry. You can say it more romantically, but I want you to follow your dreams, whatever those are. If you do move, I'm not going to break up with you. I'm going to try to make this work. And I hope that you feel the same. But we have to be honest with ourselves that if you do move, we might end up breaking

up because of it, because it's a risk. And then see with that information what he does with that, right? Like you be steadfast with what you know what you want. The person who decides first what they are more confident in their decision will have the upper hand. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So like be confident in your choice, even though your choice is a lot of unknowns, but you're confident that you're not going to break up with them right now. You're confident that you're not going to move anytime soon. In the future, that might be a conversation you're interested in having a year from now. Who knows? Don't put a time on it. But

in the immediate future, you need to get settled in. I haven't decided that. So you might move. And one of the things I also discussed with him was it takes a couple of years to get your license and he'd be doing the training like fairly local to where I live. But then it might be years from now that he has to move and he might have to make multiple moves. I don't know if I would do that and if that would end the relationship then. So I feel like we'd be more invested in this relationship more time will have gone by and i think that would just make the decision even harder sure but like so just to be clear if he decides to do this right now no one's moving

anytime soon no oh okay well that kind of changes i can't. Yeah. But he wouldn't move either. Like he can. No. Oh. Not till he gets the license. And that might take a year or two? I think it takes two years. Okay. So you're worrying about a problem that might happen in two years. Right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, that completely changes a lot. I mean, it's good that you guys are talking through this, but a lot might happen in two years. You could just as easy break up for a million other reasons. Sure. I mean, I guess so. And in two years, if you don't break up, your answer will be much clearer.

Then if you guys are still together in two years, maybe there's like engagement conversations. And maybe while you don't want to quit your job and leave your job, maybe you're just that much more in love with him that the priority is the relationship. And you know that's a passion of his and he wants to do this. You don't know what your job is going to be in two years. That's two years. So I think right now, the best thing you can do is support him and what he wants. Make sure it's something he really wants to do. Encourage him to keep exploring other career paths too. It's just as likely he learns how to fly a helicopter, loves flying a helicopter, but realizes he doesn't want to do it for a living. Or maybe gets offered another opportunity that doesn't require him to move or a different job.

Yeah. I mean, those are things I've talked about with them too yeah so it doesn't have to be this specific program there are other opportunities and things like we live in the northeast i don't know i don't think you need to be hasty or break up that's for sure or anything like that no and i don't want to yeah so i think I think, you know, just keep talking with them. The fact that you know what you want to do, or like, at least you currently have this stability in your relationship and you are like your job and he doesn't, I'm sure it's challenging for him. I think in any relationship, you know, regardless of gender roles or whatever, like when you're with someone who's like, you know, they like their job, they've got some

stability, things are going well. And you're dating someone who's just like, I don't know what I want to do yet. And it could be discouraging or frustrating or intimidating. And so like have empathy with him for that. Right. And be supportive. And you being supportive of that will probably build a connection of some kind. I mean, that's a great way to support him. You know, it's a balance because you don't want to be condescending and pushing and you want him to find his own, but just know that he might feel that. And so he's going to kind of be going through that. But like, I think until he finds that thing, it'll be hard to really determine like how this relationship is going to play out. But until then, focus on how you guys communicate, how you guys spend time together, how you guys, you know, meet each other's love languages, things like that. Those are all things you can focus on. It's still early. So that's, that's really what you should be focused on is just kind of building how you guys spend time together, how you guys, you know, meet each other's love languages, things like that. Those are all things you can focus on. It's still early. So that's, that's really what you should be focused on is just kind of building how you guys are, support each other and communicate with each other and worrying about the future. You know, I think it's just as foolish to worry about the future, you know, and I empathize,

but I think just as foolish to worry about the future as it is foolish to people in your position who like start like playing house and family planning five or 10 years from now, where it's just like, hey, we're just getting to know each other here. But you get what I'm saying. It's just like- I do. I guess what I'm trying to say is focus more on being present with your boyfriend and enjoying what you have and try to worry less about the future, whether good or bad. Because a lot of people spend a lot of time planning and focusing about the future while not really appreciating the past and building the relationship in the present that gives them the foundation the building blocks to

deal with the adversity that is eventually going to come in the future whatever that is because i don't know what the diversity is going to be whether it's this or something else but what it will happen and focusing on how you build this relationship in the moment and focus on how you guys communicate, make each other feel supportive, make each other feel seen and heard and loved and validated and all those things. Focus on that. And in the future, that will make those decisions a lot easier and clearer. I will. Thank you. All right. Thank you. All right. Well, best of luck. Thanks so much. All right. Take care. You too. All right. Thank you. All right. Well, best of luck. Thanks so much. All right. Take care.

You too. All right. Take care. Bye now. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send us questions at asknick at castmedia.com, cast with a K. If you haven't checked out our updated episode, go back and do that.

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