The Viall Files - E479 Ask Nick - Don’t Text Your Ex Happy Birthday

Episode Date: September 26, 2022

Welcome back to another juicy and exciting episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re here again to bring you another steamy episode where we bring on our callers to help answer their questions about navigating the dating world. In this special episode, we sent our callers an advanced copy of Nick’s book, “Don’t Text Your Ex Happy Birthday”, in order to get their thoughts and to have them apply the stories and advice from the book to their current and future romantic relationships! We bring on our first caller who wonders how she could’ve not fed her ego by pursuing a situationship with a guy that had clear red flags and warning signs. We then bring on a caller who had a wonderful relationship with a guy, until she started asking questions about his female roommate. With the truth coming out that this roommate was actually his wife, our caller wonders how to survive the blast of this mess and move on. Our next caller feels like he would be an amazing partner but just hasn’t had successful relationships or many opportunities to show off the love he can give. He hopes that by enlisting the help of Nick’s book and his female friends, he can find out how to set his right foot forward in the dating world. Our next caller is in shock after her one and a half year long distance situationship gets ended randomly by the guy she’s dating. Surprised and unsure what to do, she reflects on the answers she got from Nick’s book. Our last caller is looking forward to re-entering the dating world after returning from being stationed somewhere else for the military. With new advice and an open mind, this caller looks forward to finding love. We let each caller talk about their situation, what they liked about the book, what they learned, and who they would recommend this read to! So let’s get into our callers and see what they have going on in the world of love! “You made me excited to get back into dating!” Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Pre-Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Storyworth: Get to know your loved ones better and preserve those special moments forever with StoryWorth! Right now, for a limited time, you can save $10 on your first purchase when you go to http://www.StoryWorth.com/viall Zocdoc: Go to http://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. FirstLeaf: Sign up today and you’ll get your first 6 bottles for $39.95 plus free shipping. Go to http://www.TryFirstleaf.com/VIALL. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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nis nix nis i was emphasizing the ask and I mumbled the Nick. The Ask Nick edition. Allie and Amanda are with me. How are you ladies doing? What's good, everybody? Oh, okay. I'm bopping. I'm well rested. Whose head do you think if we all got access to

would be the most interesting to be in? Yours, Allie's, or mine? i feel like this question is who's a narcissist because if you like who do you think because if you say yourself you're like i'm just more interesting than everyone else you know you can't say yourself but you know yeah i'm saying if i got access to your thoughts and your thoughts or if you got access into alleys i guess it's i don't think anyone anyone would be able to follow in my brain. See, I'd feel that way about Knicks. I think I would understand your brain.

I think we have similar levels of like people out there. I'm really curious about Allie's. I would be banging trying to get out of Knicks. I imagine like if our brain is like workers in an office building, I feel like mine is like some unhinged WeWork that has like a circus center in the background and Allie's is like the wing. Like it's polished. People are in blazers.

They're typing furiously. Sometimes they get a little stressed and they're typing really fast. But in general, like they're sitting in rows like they have

their shit together. Wow, that's a compliment. But then happy hour happens. That is so true, Nick. That is tequila time. What do you think is in That is so true, Nick. That is tequila time. Woo! What do you think is in your brain office? Just a ton of open cabinets.

Yeah, chaos. Organized chaos. And a huge screen with the Packers. With that playing the football. There's an office of a lot of people. If you've worked there for a while, you absolutely know what's going on. But it's a tough new job for anyone.'s just a hole in the center yeah it's like

if you work there you're like oh just don't step in the hole no it's like it's like the um those those uh water slides at like kalahari those like toilet bowl ones where you like go flying yeah you're wisconsin boy come on i know exactly what you're talking about. I see. I just heard you said toilet and boss's brain and I was like, that's bold. Well, this is a special episode because my book comes out next week on October 4th. I wrote this book for this audience. Obviously, I hope it expands past that,

but we sent out some advanced copies for the people who wrote in and asked them to read it to give us the reviews. I mean, the truth is, like, I think this book's decent. I think it's pretty good. I think there's a lot of books that are written from people with a bachelor that are different than what mine is. I'm not saying one's better or worse, but I do think mine's different. And so I was just hoping to have people have a chance to get some honest feedback from people.

I have some really interesting stories of situations that happened to them. Oh my God. These are some of my favorite stories I think we've ever had. They were good. It was- I mean, I feel bad for it. Yes.

But we gave them the book. They gave us some thoughts on the book. Would you say, I feel like you writing this book is like the most vulnerable thing you've done in certainly the last few years. Yeah, there was definitely while writing it, there were just many moments where I thought, I'll just give the money they already paid me back. And let's just call it a day.

You know, like they pay you first up front when you sign it. And then when the book's done, they pay you. And then when it's done, they pay you again. How do we feel about just like an essay? Short little chapter. And so there's definitely a couple of those moments where I'm like, you know what? I'll just, can I just give what you gave me back? And then I got the first draft done. I felt much better about that,

but it felt incomplete. And then after that I felt it was good because I wrote a book. For anyone else out there who's like ever thought of writing a book, I wrote this book. I actually wrote it. Now I had a lot of help from my editor. But if I can write it, you can write a book. I thought you were going to say you can read it.

No. Well, sure. But anything is possible, I've realized from writing this book, because it was a daunting task. So then after I wrote it, I had kind of imposter syndrome. Also, I won a triathlon yesterday. What? You won it? You didn't see his story? Like he just so casually went to the beach. No, I had teammates.

It was a triathlon. It was like a relay. So I had a teammate who swam and a teammate who biked and I ran. That makes more sense. And we won. How long did you run for? Four miles. But my teammates were like literally world-class athletes.

But I did run it four miles in under 28 minutes. Whoa. Seven minute pace. I heard from a runner, my sister's college roommate ran for Notre Dame and she says like for running, running, when you're a real runner, you just pee when you have to pee while you run.

What? She was like, we just go. Like it just goes down their leg. Yeah. Well, that friend is in like some serious long distance okay yeah you don't need to do that at four miles no 28 minutes like you really i don't know maybe it slows you down like iron man competitions but then you pee in the water well obviously i yeah uh i've heard that before it is a thing. I haven't ever felt the need, but yeah.

Just wondering. So the analogy I use is like, for anyone who finishes a marathon, I don't care what your athletic ability is, that's an incredible accomplishment. You just ran 26 miles. And that's how I felt about this book, which was like, I wrote a book. I don't know if it's any good, but I think it's decent. And so I shared it with some people. And then after I finished the book, I was like, do I market this? Do I want people to read this? You know, it's a very vulnerable thing to like have people. Yeah. Not only to like write it, but also because I think you infuse like more of your personal story than like comes out in the show. So it's like, I feel like vulnerable in a few different regards. I'm happy with it. When

people that I meet who are sort of not maybe your target demographic audience and they find out what my job is and they're like oh what do you like him or like is he smart i'm always like read his book i'm like i'm like honestly like you'd be surprised read his book i got asked yesterday if someone was like what's your vibe like older brother sister or like older male cousin, younger cousin? And I was like, I don't really know what the difference is.

I was like, what an odd question. No, no, he doesn't remind me of a friend or a brother. He's not a father figure. Cousin, yeah. He's a cousin, you know? My cousin wrote a book.

You like, have to hang out with him, but only on Christmas. Only a couple times a year. Not every day. You were close when you were kids, and now you're sort of. You know, it's like, awkward to be around, but only on christmas only a couple times a year not every day you're close when you're kids now you're sort of now it's like awkward to be around but you're still family yeah so anyway uh we have some great stories lined up for you um and everyone who's called in who shares their story has read this book they give some thoughts i would mean the world to me if you guys pre-order this book. The book comes out next Tuesday. Pre-orders are important.

Audiobook is available. Obviously, I am proud of the way the book itself, the hard copy. It looks good. It's sexy. It's cute. It's a hard book. It's gift-worthy. It's gift-worthy.

Well, I do think the audiobook is great. I wrote this book to be meant as like used as like a guide or a manual to like refer back to depending on what part you found helpful, easy to page through. It's a good reminder. You go out, you have a bad day, you come back, you read the book and you feel better. Yeah. Coffee table worthy. Coffee table. It's just there. It's just like you keep it around. Just go to vilefiles.com and it has every link possible. There might still be some signed copies available. Amazon, Barnes and Noble. There's another one that supports supports local bookstores. It's the same price everywhere, but you're just procuring it from an indie or independent bookstore. So if you're into supporting local bookstores,

buy it from those sites. Indie bound. Indie bound. There you go. So vilefiles.com just has all the links. And if you live in Canada or the UK, Australia, there's links for that as well. So this is really the last week to pre-order and it would truly mean the world if you guys gave this book a chance. And if you're not convinced yet, well, I hope you keep listening anyways, because you've already downloaded this episode and here we are. Yeah. And we're still having a contest, by the way. And so again, vilefiles.com, if you pre-order the book, right below it, you can apply to sign up for a self-love day with me, which is basically we FaceTime, you and me.

You get like the Nick as your bestie experience. Yeah, literally. Figure out if he's your brother or your cousin. We can talk sports. We can talk family values. We can talk relationship advice. And then you get a $100 gift card to treat yourself to like a spa or massage or a mani pedi or whatever it is that you would consider self-love.

If you've already pre-ordered the book, you can still register. If you upload a receipt and it just refreshes, it doesn't give you a thanks for registering, but rest assured you're in the system. So if you've already pre-ordered, go to vilefiles.com and sign up to win. And also texting office hours, if you're listening right now,

send in those texting office hours at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K, or anything Ask Nick related. and we might um have you call in and we'll give you some texting advice to shoot your shot or fight with a friend whatever it is thanks for indulging me and listening to me talk about this book i really hope you guys enjoy it and i really hope you guys pre-order it so thank you so much in advance. Let's get to our callers. How's it going? Hi, I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm Caitlin. Hi,

Caitlin. How old are you? I'm 24. All right. So you got an advanced copy of the book, but part of the reason why we picked you is because you wrote it and told us that you got cheated on your birthday. Yep. It did happen. Not to bring up old wounds, but want to tell us about it? I'd love to. Yeah. So I met him right when I was out of college. So he was the normal, we had so much chemistry and he made me so excited so excited but um he was the player he had a history of cheating he was obsessed with talking about his body count which i probably should have looked at as a red flag but i didn't um and just like so when you met him he was pretty open about

that oh yeah like within the first like two weeks of us meeting like he asked me my body count and he would like brag like all like the sexual things he did and yeah need a doctor well zocdoc has you covered finding a doctor can be one of the most treacherous experiences of people's lives because you don't know if you can get in you don't get in when you want to you don't know if they cover get in. You don't get in when you want to. You don't know if they cover your insurance. Whenever you feel like you need a doctor, you need one usually like right away, not in two months. And ZocDoc makes it super easy to find quality doctors that are peer reviewed, reviewed by real patients that take your insurance. And you can be visiting the doctor that can help you out in a few short days, sometimes faster.

And it's super easy to like even reschedule your appointments to or book with them again. And half the time you're like, I don't want to get on the phone call with someone and get like the weird elevator music and wait for someone to get to my call. Like you can just go in the app, press reschedule, look at their availability, switch it around, and then you'll get like a little confirmation email because I think ZocDoc themselves like reaches out to them and does it for you. One thing I really appreciate is all the reviews that they have. So I'm so I'm definitely a maximizer. Like I do research before I go to a restaurant, before I do anything. And like with health care, of course, it's an area where you really want someone who's going to be the right

fit, who's going to be good. And with ZocDoc, you can see like patients who have verified, booked through there what they have to say. And so your doctor is coming recommended. So when you're moving to a brand new city like I was, and you don't have friends, you can necessarily get that good person-to-person recommendation. ZocDoc gives you access to that info. Every month, millions of people use ZocDoc.

We are the three of those people, and you can be too. They also have a mobile app, by the way, super easy to use. Go to ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash V-I-A-L-L. ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L.

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And forget overspending on bottles you don't even like. First Leaf will rate each wine you receive with a simple thumbs up or thumbs down, and their experts will send you personalized selections with new and exciting bottles in every box. Sign up today and you'll get your first six bottles for $39.95 plus free shipping. Need I say more? Go to tryfirstleaf.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's T-R-Y-F-I-R-S-T-L-E-A-F.com slash V-I-A-L-L to get your first six bottles for $39.95 plus free shipping. Try firstleaf.com slash V-I-A-L-L. At the time, I'm curious, like if you could think back, what were you thinking? Like if you could go back to like that conversation, like, what was your mindset when he was saying this? Did you think it sounded weird? And you just ignored it? special and he'll never cheat on me. I did get cheated on. So basically what happened is I had

to go to a wedding on my birthday and he wasn't invited. I didn't get a plus one. So he was planning on going to the bar while I went to the wedding and we were going to, he was going to come over when I got back. Um, and I get home, I'm like, all right, I'm good. You can come over. Um, completely ghosts me. I'm looking at his location and I saw him go from the bar at 2am to some random house. Um, so I kind of knew he was cheating, but I was still like, I trusted him so much and I really did not see much red flag. Like I saw the red flags, but I didn't really like acknowledge them. So I was like, what did he go to another party? Like, why is he ditching me? So the next day he basically basically was like, oh, yeah, I walked to the bar to my cousin's house,

a cousin that I've never heard of the whole year that we were dating. And so I basically put two and two together. We broke up, but it took a couple days for me to actually get confirmation that he cheated on me from someone who was at the bar. What made you go from like, I don't know where he is. And I've never heard of a cousin to he must be cheating on me. It was actually my sister. So I was kind of telling them the timeline of the night. So he told me that he walked from like two towns over.

It would be like four miles and it was raining that night. And I'm like like that makes no sense um so when I was telling my sister the story she's like Caitlin he cheated on you and I'm like oh my god you're so right so I had to like ask around a couple people and someone eventually told me what happened afterwards how did you confront him so I when i eventually found out i sent him this beautiful breakup text but i like never got a response so he never owned up to it he never um apologized i i didn't get really any real closure and i still have like so many questions that have just never been answered do you still have those questions no I look at it from a different like perspective now because before I was like how could he do this to me like I trusted him

but now I'm looking back and I'm like he's literally cheated on every girl he's ever dated I don't know why I thought I was special um and this is just who he is and he doesn't respect women he looks at women as conquests you you know, like he's just a player. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry you went through that. And I'm curious, what do you think you would have done differently? It's so funny. When I was reading the book, I was literally laughing to myself reading the player section

because you literally were saying that you'll always think that you're special because that's your ego and that they'll never do it to you. And I'm like, that was the exact situation that I was in. So I was laughing to myself, but you wrote in your book a lot about how to process breakups and really get over a person. And I found that really helpful. Like, for example, you talked about not romanticizing what it was at one point and kind of thinking about what it is right now and that's a really good way of looking at breakups to try to process them and let go great yeah you talked about your experience getting cheated on and i was like me nick we have a lot of similar experiences here yeah we're

uh kindred spirits yeah of being cheated on is there anything you found surprising in the book um I thought it was surprising you specifically mentioned that like ghosting can be hard but you don't really realize how hard ghosting is until someone you're in a relationship does it to you. You kind of specifically talked about your emotions about that. And I'm like, wow, like, yeah, that makes so much sense. Yeah. I mean, when people nowadays are talking about ghosting as if like the person I met on a dating app who I've never met in person, like didn't respond back and they ghosted me. I'm like, Oh no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Yeah, when you date someone for a year and they fuck another girl on your birthday and then you never hear from them again, that's ghosting. So you never spoke to him after that night? No.

And you dated him for a year? I actually ran into him at a bar afterwards, which was crazy, but he ran away from me. Oh, wow. Couldn't confront it. How did that make you feel? I just have a vivid picture of like ran away from me oh wow couldn't confront it how did that make you feel i just have like a vivid picture of him running away from me and it's kind of like funny in my head but i it makes sense because he was a coward he couldn't even tell me what he did and own up to it why would i think that he would suddenly like yeah totally i mean like once you get past any sense of embarrassment for having

dated him or trusted him or anything like that then you kind of see him as this like small person and by small i mean just small on the inside and you feel embarrassment but you feel more embarrassment for that person and less for yourself once you no longer like start judging yourself or just accept that you made a mistake and move on yeah for me like the hardest part of that um when we broke up everyone was like how did you not know how do you not know and i'm like i don't know i literally didn't know like at this point when we were dating i had a lot of stress like in my work life so So I wasn't really focusing on like where he was and like thinking about that. But there was a lot of shame,

not purposefully from people in my life, but it made me feel like I was stupid for not realizing that I was getting cheated on for a whole year, you know? Yeah. Did the book make you feel less ashamed or less judged for it? Yes, it definitely did. Because when you're in the moment, your ego just takes over. And you don't expect someone who you love to do something like that to you. And it's good to be trusting. Yeah. Who would you recommend this book to? So there's so many specific situations that you talk about in the book.

Like I have a friend that was just in the, I just got out of a relationship. I'm not ready for a relationship situation. You know, so there's that people who are going through breakups. Like I said, it was so helpful for me to really process things. And then even people who are in relationships you talk about like what a healthy love is so I'd recommend that to them oh and you kind of like made me excited to get back into dating because you talk a lot about like how to go about meeting new people so people who are nervous about getting out there, I think would benefit.

Well, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to read it and coming on and sharing your story. I appreciate it. Well, that means a lot. I really appreciate you taking the time and sorry you got cheated on your birthday. But for me, the further I got away from that experience, the more I kind of appreciated the experience. Yeah, absolutely. And once I felt less embarrassed about the fact that that experience happened to me, the more I felt grateful that I could just see it for what it was. And then I felt like that experience where I felt all that shame and embarrassment really protected me in the future because that was that kind of the barometer of that gut feeling, you know, because like, I'm sure, like you said, when you got cheated on, you were busy doing other things, you decided to trust your boyfriend, and then they violated that

trust. But I bet you went back and remembered like these kind of gut feelings you had at certain periods where you felt like maybe something's off, but you know what, I'm just going to trust my partner because that's what you're supposed to do. I remember feeling that a lot. And you get good at kind of listening to that voice in the future if you're supposed to do. I remember feeling that a lot. And you get good at kind of listening to that voice in the future if you're willing to. I was so easily kind of manipulated. For example, he would go out all weekend with his friends and I'd be like, why do you not want to spend time with me? And he's like, well, it's fine. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you. And I was like, oh yeah, that's so nice. He wants to marry me. Yeah, no, I mean, I love that you said that because that's a perfect example of what we choose to hear when someone says, you know, and so it can be tricky. Well, thank you again. I

really appreciate you taking the time to read the book and come on and share your thoughts. All right. Well, have a good rest of your day. Thanks for taking the time. I know you're on lunch break. Are you wearing scrubs? Yes. What do you do for work? I'm a nurse. Go back and save some lives. I will. All right.

Thank you. Thanks for your service. All right. Bye. Bye-bye. Bye. How's it going? I'm good.

How are you? I'm good. What's your name? Jessica. Hi, Jessica. How old are you? 27. Jessica. Hi, Jessica. How old are you? 27. So you wrote in and we selected you for an advanced copy. You're now ex-boyfriend, right? Okay. His wife was his roommate? Yes.

What does that mean? Because people tend to live with their wives, but you referred to his wife as his roommate, who was then at the time your boyfriend. Walk me through what the hell is going on. Right. That's what I think back now. So I met this guy at work. Okay.

And we were... How long ago was this? This was about a year and a half now. Okay. Okay. So we had worked together for a few years, but we didn't really start talking until last April of 2021. And I would stop by and say hi. And he would say like, oh, my roommate and my roommate.

And even before we started talking, I was dating. He would say my roommate. So I knew he had a roommate. I was like dating, he would say my roommate. So I knew he had a roommate. And then, you know, he would tell me like my roommate, my roommate's boyfriend, like I, she was dating and he would tell me that terrible dating stories that she had. So I was like, oh, that's fine. You can have a girl roommate.

That's totally fine. So at this point, you're just like, I'm dating this really like enlightened man who's mature enough to have a woman roommate and he's kind of low-key gossiping about his quote-unquote roommate in reality his wife about her dating struggles yes then we started dating and and then and at this point you start dating because you're like hey roommate you're the roommate like i have no room yeah he's got a roommate yeah if anything i thought it was cool he like lives with the woman he knows like our mood swings and our lives um so then we start dating and i i no longer work there i find a new job and then after i leave we start dating and um like he didn't really bring her up anymore

it was mostly like I would bring it up like oh how's your roommate and I knew she worked out of school so I'd be like I'd ask questions about that when you look back and you think about the relationship were you just like being friendly or are you making conversation or were like as you settled into the relationship and he started bringing up the roommate less what made you ask those questions do you remember i just wanted to get to know more about his life okay and just like if it was a guy roommate i'd ask about like oh how's your roommate doing um never did i feel insecure about her um which like i don't know if that's me being mature or i didn't maybe you didn't do anything or said anything that made me feel like it was a i mean yeah i mean like you

don't normally think when someone tells you they have a roommate that they're their life partner yeah right and you chose to trust them which is right. And then I think I might have asked later on, how did you meet or how did you find your place? I don't remember if I said, because this became an argument later. I don't remember if I said, how did you find this roommate or how did you find this place? And he said on Craigslist. And I was like, oh, that's interesting.

And then maybe like weeks later he has a dog and he so he brought me to he brought the dog to me to meet me and um the dog had a caller of phone numbers and one of them he's not from California so he has an out-of-state area code um so the dog had a phone number and then it had another phone number right below it the He's not from California, so he has an out-of-state area code. So the dog had a phone number, and then it had another phone number right below it, the same area code. And I asked, like, whose phone number is this? And he's like, oh, it's my roommate's. I'm like, well, that's weird that you would have, like, your roommate that you met on Craigslist, like, phone number on there.

And he was like, no, no, we didn't meet on Craigslist. I mean, I like him, but, like, that's a lot of trust you're giving to Craigslist like phone number on there and he was like no no I mean I like them but like that's a lot of trust you're giving the Craigslist right especially because I didn't like I thought this was like a new living situation and um he he said no no we didn't meet on Craigslist like I've known her she's from like my hometown and I we were like on our way to lunch so then I like dropped it and I brought it up again later that night and he said no like we were from our hometown like I've

known her for a long time but did he almost make you feel like you were silly for thinking yes I dropped it I was like oh okay like I'm being like and i think back at it and i maybe at this point start to sound insecure and i would catch myself like no like i should trust him sure and and i kept trusting him and then it turned out to be how did you find out i i i haven't told anyone the story there's maybe a couple of people who know this story because it's like tend to like blame myself

like i should have seen this i like it's embarrassing that i let this happen to me which obviously isn't the the correct way to think of it but I we had hung out the day before and he was telling me about a friend he had a guy friend and how he like from back home and the next day I was trying to trying to find this man on Instagram because I wanted, I think he like did tattoos or something. So I was, I was snooping through his Instagram and I, you know, you go from like one page to another page to another page and it ended up in someone's page and I'm scrolling through pictures and I see wedding pictures and he's the group and this, it was a really bad picture so i'm like trying to zoom in and i it's it's him and i'm like there's no way like maybe this is because it was from like 10 years

ago and like no way maybe this is a cousin that looks like him or like some staged photo like right like they went to like a theme park where you could like stage, you know, you dress up. You have the themed photos. Like a colonial man. Yeah. Get your rifle. No, but I totally like empathize with your state of mind at the time. You were probably like in utter disbelief and like trying to grapple at like, there's got to be another solution.

There's got to be another solution. So he's not tagged on the picture, but she's tagged on the picture. So I like click on her profile and it's luckily public. So I'm going through these pictures and there's pictures of them, like going back to forever. And the one that I was, that hit me the hardest was he had just been in his hometown the week before for his cousin's wedding and he was texting me the whole time and he was sending me pictures and they were there together like they both flew out there together and we're in these like family

pictures together and my heart dropped there was, this makes no sense to me. And I called him, or I texted him, and then I called him like at least 10 times and his phone was like on do not disturb. And, oh, when I was looking at her profile, I saw these pictures and then I looked at her story. So I'm like, this makes no sense to me. So I look at her story and it's their house it's like

the living like she's staying in the living room of like pictures that he had sent me of him staying in his living room so i knew what the house looked like and she was staying in the living room and i she took this picture of a movie she was watching and she was playing with the dog She took this picture of a movie she was watching and she was playing with the dog. And I could see his shadow on this side and he was on his phone. So she had taken this like 10 minutes before and he was texting me, obviously sitting there. And so I didn't understand. And so I called him and I talked to him on the phone and he told me it was true.

He told me that they were divorced and that she couldn't like find her own place. Well, first he started saying, you wouldn't understand. And it's like looking back at it. Were you like, try me?

Exactly. Like, I think I'm smart enough to like, if you put everything out for me, I can, I can maybe understand. Yeah. And he told me they were divorced and that it was,

she couldn't afford to live on her own. And that, I remember the other day he told me of like, they support each other. And I didn't understand what that meant because why does my boyfriend need another woman to support him? I didn't understand what that meant. why does my boyfriend need another woman to support him? I didn't understand what that meant and he told me they were divorced

but his family didn't know so that's why he said he'd go to the event. I mean, looking back, we agree that this was all lies, right? Right, this was all lies. Yeah. And I was like, okay, well, again, obviously never been put in a situation

like I don't know what you're supposed to do. Are you supposed to like, don't talk to me ever again? Or do you like run away and like run? And I had said like, well, let's meet tomorrow because I want to see the divorce papers. And he's like, okay. So then we met the next day and he showed me papers. I don't know what divorce papers look like. Please tell me he like tried to like fake divorce papers he gave me divorce papers he gave me he showed me divorce

papers with a court stamp and i don't know what these papers look like and but i take a picture because i'm like i need to take a picture for some reason so i take a picture and then we're obviously like in this like what do we do stage of of like let's work this out um he's like what do you want to do and i'm just like i don't know what to do again never put in the situation like well i don't know let's just like continue what we're doing i don't know and. And so a few days later, I live in California. So everything's public records in California. So I go on the court website and I look back at the picture and I put the case number. And it says active.

Like it says that it's not finalized. There's nothing finalized. And so obviously showed me papers that aren't you just showed me random papers and it was during work hours too so I am like trying to keep it together and um I reach out to him and I tell him like why do you keep lying to me I've like accepted the situation and just keep adding to it. So he's like, well, it's because you would leave if I told you the truth. It's just like paperwork.

It's like the final stages of, like, it's just paperwork at this point. Like, we're technically divorced. It's just the paperwork. And speaking this whole big argument. And then we, you know, which I don't know. Part of me just wanted to be good and move past this, be mature. Sure. I don't know what it's like to get divorced, so I don't know the situation.

Yeah, he kind of manipulated you because you hadn't experienced it and you wanted to empathize with him and he took advantage of that correct and he's a lot older than me about seven years older than me so i didn't you know i don't want him to think that i'm just like this child that can't be mature sure so we continue and then we're good for a couple of weeks um obviously still working through things and talking um and my friend who's a photographer she asked me again people think we're okay like my friends think we're okay no one knows about you didn't tell anyone yeah i didn't tell anyone and that. I didn't tell anyone. And... That itself was probably a red flag looking back, huh?

Definitely. Yeah. The fact that you didn't feel comfortable telling anyone. Deep down, your gut was telling you something's off still. Yes. Yeah. And so my friend who's a photographer asked me if we wanted to take pictures. And I had said, like, I don don't know and so i consulted with him

about it and he said like we should totally do it because it's part of our restart we're restarting with like no lies and we're like in a better place now so we take these pictures and i can agree like i mean it's a restart of like no lies Let's be honest. Let's be good. And then we take these pictures and I post them on my Instagram. And within 10 minutes, the wife messages me. And then you remember what she says, like, that is my husband. We've been together for 13 years. And going on this rampage, we're still together. I don't know what he's telling you, but we're still married. And I freak out because he's telling me that they're just like they're divorced and they're friends and they're roommates and she's had boyfriends and nothing makes sense to me anymore

and I confront him about it again and he's like well she's just upset because she's finally like seeing us together and I guess she like wanted to get back with him and she was going to therapy so they could be good together. And at this point, I'm like, hey, you need to move out. And because you need to choose at this point. And he's like, well, I can't move out right now. You know, now I look back at it and I didn't set boundaries. I just kept saying, okay, like, it's fine that you can't give me all these things. We can continue. And I didn't set boundaries and I didn't set expectations.

Just kept going and just became such a toxic thing of being here for him while he was being there for her. And no one was being here for me. How did you finally end it? We had spent a month of not hanging out. You work on yourself. I work on myself. We're both two working professionals. At that point, it was affecting my work.

And it was affecting my personal life. I couldn't hang out with my friends. And I couldn't focus on work. So we took some time apart. We agreed we would hang out for 4th of July. And so we had plans for 4th of July to do the fireworks together. I guess he told her that day

because I guess in the past, they had hung out for 4th of July. They had seen the fireworks together. And so she was upset that they weren't going to see them together this year. And they had an argument about it. And so when he't going to see them together this year and they had an argument about it and so when he showed up to see me he was already upset he was upset he was his mind was somewhere else we were hanging out and she was calling and she was calling and calling and he

just kept saying like I'm stuck like I'm never going to be able to leave her and i can't do this right now and it became this like a bomb that finally went off and he started saying a lot of hurtful things about his situation that were honest and it was his real honest feelings and i once he said like i'm never going to be able to leave her, I remember we're hanging out in this room and I just walked away. And I walked away and I got in my car. And I didn't text him the whole day and I didn't text him the next day. And then I think I might have texted him two days later when we FaceTimed.

And I said, I can't do this anymore. This is... I can't wait around. And you don't want to be happy and you need to go figure out your own life. Because I felt stuck myself. And at the 4th of July, he told me that they were

going to go to a wedding together. Someone had invited them to a wedding together. So it was like, you're never going to be apart. Yeah. At this point, he's openly dating you both almost in a weird way. Right. And I felt like I was sharing and I don't want to share. You don't share a boyfriend.

That's not okay. Well, I am sorry you had to go through that. I'm more glad that you're not in that anymore. But you read the book. I read the book. What did you think of the book? And I'd love to know what would you have done differently had you read the book before you started dating him? I loved your book. I feel like it was written for me or someone in my similar situation, but maybe also someone before the beginning stages of my situation.

There's so many things that I would have done differently if I would have read. I wish you would have had this book a year ago. I would have had this book a year ago. There's so many things that I would have done differently. I would have set expectations and boundaries from the beginning i wouldn't have let my ego make the decisions for me for such a long period of time because for so long it was well what are people gonna think of me and how could this have happened to me and i can't lose in this situation and he needs to choose me and I need to stop making myself at that point I should have made myself so available of like yeah it's fine let's continue yes you can text me whenever you want and even me reaching out and like making sure he was okay and texting him for his birthday and texting him to ask about the dog and i've made myself available for too long well i appreciate you reading it and i'm

so glad to hear that you like it if someone you recommended the book to was like well i already listened to his podcast i don't need the book what would you say uh no you need the book okay well you need you need the book i the podcast is like the the beginning the pre prequel all right read the read the book what a nice compliment uh well thank you so much for sharing your story i am so sorry that you had to experience that but i'm so glad you're out of it and it sounds like you were much better off. And I said this to our last caller. It's always funny when you have these kind of crazy heartbreaks and you feel embarrassed from these situations, how time allows you to see it very differently. And you use it more of a barometer, you know, of like a big learning lesson.

you know, of like a big, like learning lesson. And if you look at it differently, you can feel like actually more confident and secure going forward because you know what to look for now, rather than be afraid of someone else doing it to you in the future. Well, thanks so much. I appreciate it. I appreciate you sharing your story. And once again, thanks for taking the time to read it. Thank you so much. And thank you for writing this book. I appreciate it. Take care. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye.

Bye. How's it going? Hi, how are you doing? Good. What's your name? I'm Alex and I'm 26. Alex, you wrote in and told us that you would love to get an advanced copy of the book. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself, why you were so eager to get

an advanced copy, and then we'll find out what you thought about it. Yeah, sure. Of course. So I have been listening for probably the better part of a year. And I've always found that I find myself coming back to your thoughts about other people's situations and applying them to my own i was like wow i wish i had like an easy guide of like to come back into my own situations and um figure out like i have a question about this something easy to find uh like your thoughts and like guidance and i was like wow what better than a book that i can like put post-its in and really think about and have a hard guide. So my own dating experience is virtually non-existent. So a lot of it's very hypothetical and thinking through situations

and how I would approach things when and if that time comes. So I really find that to be interesting. When you say non-existent, have you been out there on the dating apps trying or have you just not been trying as much? Why do you feel like it's been non-existent? So growing up, I was always very driven by school and sports and things like that. So up until the age of even into college, 22, 23, I just never really had the interest in relationships and stuff. I was just always satisfied by friends and family and being driven by school and what I was going to do for my career.

So I just kind of never really dawned on me like, oh, I should maybe start to find someone. But once I was done with school and things were closed with COVID, I was like, okay, now is maybe the time that I should try to find someone and I should get out there. So for the better part of like a year, year and a half, I would say I've been trying dating apps,ative off and on frequency. A couple weeks, a couple months of really trying and then a couple weeks, a couple months of like, eh, maybe I'll swipe tomorrow. I'll figure that out. But over the course of that time getting no matches. Or not no matches, but virtually no matches. Few responses.

Do you have any or some uh women friends like what's your women friends circle look like um so i think it's probably mostly women um really your friends definitely growing up it was mostly but i definitely have like a good core group of guy friends great the only reason i asked that is because women friends can be great friends to lean on, especially from a guy standpoint of getting back out there and dating. I think the more you check in with them and hear about what dating is like for them, I think can really bring you up to speed. And I think it can make you a great empathetic partner for when you actually meet someone. Also, I feel like someone like yourself, I would really prioritize common interests. Honestly, that's something as a

younger person, I overlooked a lot. Obviously, like you prioritize like your physical attraction with people, you know, and people are going to do that or just, you know, prioritize what excites your ego and things like that. And I used to always be someone who was like, oh, well, you know, like love will conquer all. I just really want to love this person. And if we like different things, that's okay because we'll be in love. It carries us through. But I'll tell you what, having common interests with your partner and being able to talk about things you both enjoy, not everything, but like a lot of things I think really helps bring people connected. And so just think about that as you're dating to prioritize like, you know, especially even

when you're looking for who you're matching with, like where you're looking and prioritize people who like the same things. Because I think that will one, make you feel less discouraged when you're not matching and connecting because you're also just like, hey, maybe we just interests aren't the same. Right. And so you will match with less, but when you do match with people, I think you can really lean on, you know, some of those common interests. They'll give you things to talk about. And so just have that in your mindset, because I

think that's something people often overlook. They just want to get excited about someone. So I don't know if that's helpful, but I would just put that in your back of your mind. I think that will help as you go out there and date people you know who you should be prioritizing and and help you get less discouraged and make it less about you know feeling rejected and more about like maybe it's just we're just not on the same you know compatibility page right yeah that makes sense it's definitely a good way to think about it uh so what did you think of the book i thought it was really great i thought that um i loved the way that like it sort of flows the the cycle from training who you want to match with and matching. And it follows the life cycle of a relationship.

And I loved the way that it was broken down into different sections, how each section broke apart. apart. So like I said, it's easy to like, hey, I have a question or I'm thinking about how to deal with moving in with someone when that time comes. And you can find that specific section. You can get right to that. And it's very clear and direct. And I thought that it's really just an embodiment of having listened to you, I think, has a different experience also than just picking up the book. Because I can hear and almost see your points of view through it. That was really interesting and cool. So there were a lot of moments that I just had to read again and process. And the same thing in the podcast all the time.

Yeah. You know, let me pause, let me rewind and like take this knowledge in. And I know that every time I skim through it or read something, there'll be more and more depth to it. It was just always depth.

Always. That's awesome to hear. I appreciate you saying that. You wrote, I almost considered reading these parts less thoroughly because I wasn't sure how much I'd be able to glean. What did you mean by that? Yeah. So I thought that, uh, kind of like everything's like, I've never been in a stage of like, like,

should we move in together with someone? So I was like, how am I going to relate to this? How am I going to understand this? But even not having that experience, I still was able to see nuggets of like thinking about how you are with someone and like things to look out for when deciding you know in this specific context is moving together but it could be like extrapolated to other parts of dealing with and living with someone but i was like oh actually this is more relatable than I thought it would be. I'm really glad you feel that way.

That's what I was trying to do. So yeah, that makes me feel good that you felt that way. Anything about the book that surprised you? I mean, I think one of the things that I thought was so pleasantly surprising was, this is a book about dating and everything and it's not about you but i think it was like the perfect balance of like you gave enough and like just the right amount of like hey i'm also in this so like your own personal stories that like it doesn't become a memoir but it also to like someone who doesn't know you and just like is given this book by a friend of like oh hey this guy actually like knows the shit and like it made you really relatable as opposed to like some of these books kind of come off as like you should

do blah blah blah and like here's how i do like it it was that personal connection was just always there through it as opposed to like a standoff like do these 10 things i'm like very aloof i thought that was uh that's kind of what made it stand out to me compared to other books wow that's uh that's great to hear uh you're making me feel good about myself uh so thanks i was really nervous when people would start reading this book just be like yeah don't write another book. Stick to talking. Stick to talking.

All right. Who would you recommend this book to? Any final thoughts? I mean, there were definitely some friends. There's a friend who's coming off of a toxic ex and getting over the ex. This is definitely one of my close female friends. Once the time comes out, you know, Hey, you know, when the time comes, if you're having a low moment, like here's maybe something you can look at and think about.

So people like that. And even like some friends who are in happy, healthy relationships, like you can always work on it and always think of things. I like come to new perspectives. I really think it can be for anyone really awesome well uh thank you so much for taking the time to read it and sharing your thoughts keep us posted on your love journey we uh always like to get updates but uh give it time you're very young enjoy it while you're doing it too thank you i'll try all right uh thanks so much

buddy i appreciate it yeah thank you so much i buddy. I appreciate it. Yeah. Thank you so much. All right. I'll talk to you later. All right. Sounds good. Bye, there. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Emma, and I'm 36 years old. Emma, well, thank you for calling in. I appreciate it. We picked you for an advanced copy.

You talked about a long distance relationship you had that was over. So I'd love for you to share a little bit about that story and then give me your thoughts on the book and how you would have applied what you learned in the book to that situation and then going forward. Totally. So thank you for having me first off. I'm about a month removed from a year and a half long, long distance situationship. So I'm acknowledging off the bat that... I know I might cry, but I'm acknowledging there was no label, no expectation of an exclusive committed relationship.

But we were very much part of each other's lives more than friends. I think we both acknowledge that, recognize that. But unlike a lot of situationships, I think that because of the distance, it was less about the physical and more about the emotional connection. So we were very deeply woven into each other's daily lives. And then about a month ago, he very abruptly stopped talking to me. very deeply woven into each other's daily lives. And then about a month ago, he very abruptly stopped talking to me. So... I'm sorry.

Thank you. She never really told me why he pulled away, but I found out it was because of someone someone else and obviously it's hurtful that he quote-unquote chose someone over me but I think what's even harder is that he never dignified what we had with an honest conversation and and I'll go into more of what I learned from the book, but I know that calling someone that you want more than a friendship with, like not the best idea, but at the end of the day,

there was a foundation of friendship there. And so it feels like a real betrayal that it was just kind of ended on his terms. But thanks in part to your book, I recognize sort of the role that I played. I did not communicate what I needed. I didn't set or enforce boundaries to get what I needed because I was accepting less out of fear of losing him. But I think because things ended so suddenly, I'm having a hard time processing it and accepting it. I'm a rational human being.

I know that he was not my person. I think that there's a long list of reasons why that's the case beyond just how I've been treated over the last month or so. But it's been such a drastic change to my day-to-day life that I just feel like I'm grieving a loss more or less. Yeah. Well, you are.

You are grieving a loss. Yeah. It's okay to or less. Yeah. Oh, you are. You are grieving a loss. It's okay to recognize that. Yeah. Thank you. So my brain knows that this is ultimately probably for the best. I don't know that I would have walked away or gotten what I needed. So I think I could have been stuck in this place for a really long time. But I think my ego and my heart are having a really hard time catching up. Yeah. So I want to give you my takeaways from the book, but also kind of pose the question of how do I work to tame my ego to get to a place of acceptance?

It's one thing to recognize, and maybe they're not my person or you make that list of hopeful and grateful or whatever. And, and you, like you said, Oh, I'm gonna be rational and I'm gonna move on. Well, that's great, and that's a great start,

and that's gonna get you on the path to healing, but that doesn't mean you don't have feelings. You know, it doesn't eliminate the sadness and the loss. You know, if nothing else, again, like you have that actual physical loss of like, I used to call them. I used, they used to be a big part of my day when something happened to the other person I reached out to. And regardless of whether they're your

person or not, they still obviously brought value to your life. They also brought some frustration and disappointment and all these other things, but you're still losing the value that they brought. And that's going to make you sad. And I think just acknowledging that and just saying, it's okay to be sad. It's okay that I feel this way. And then you just have to draw that line between giving yourself permission to be sad, which takes some time, and then that and then work towards moving on, we'll sit in that sadness and we'll keep asking the same questions that we probably even know the answers to because we'll want to hang on to that feeling of sadness because it's the only thing we have left of them. And we'll try to turn that into hope. So I think, you know, you just have to focus on that. It's okay to be sad and it's going to take some time. It might take a couple months.

But in between those months of sadness, you just want to be able to challenge yourself to not sit in those moments, right? Acknowledge it, I feel sad. But instead of staying in and watching a movie that kind of also makes me sad, but also validates my sadness, and then like ordering

like food and like sitting in my sweatpants. Maybe you go out and you hang out with the girls or you challenge yourself to go on a date. And even if, you know, it's just like, I don't know if I want to do that. Eventually it starts getting easier and eventually you'll have a fun moment. It's just pushing yourself to get out of that stage. And I think that just takes time. And knowing it takes time makes it a little bit easier. Thank you. And that hit on one of my... I wrote down my top three or four takeaways from the book or my favorite pieces. And one of them was that recognition of feel the feelings, but don't sit in the sadness just because it's the last piece of the relationship that you had. And like, this pain is the last thing I can feel

of him. So I want to hold on to it for longer than is productive or helpful or healthy. It's still okay to feel sad. I'm trying to get myself out of it, but I need to be gentle and kind to myself too. It's still pretty early. Yes. Yes. Some of my other pieces from the book that I really loved that are both helpful now that I'm kind of on the other side of this relationship, but also I wish I heard them or listened to them sooner. I'm sure I had friends that were probably trying to tell me some of these things and I maybe didn't want to hear it. But one thing that I really loved is you talked a lot about controlling what you

can control. I think so often we hear that people's behavior has nothing to do with us. It is a reflection of them and their experience. And that can help remove guilt sometimes. You don't feel like it's on your shoulders or your fault, but it can also make you feel really powerless. And I know that in the book you've talked about, there are things that you can control though. Everyone plays a role. There are two people in any relationship. So think about how you are communicating your needs and enforcing and setting boundaries and things like that. So I really wish that I had done more of that. But I loved thinking about recognizing that you have more control than you might realize in a situation, maybe not of the outcome, but of your behavior. So I loved that. shooting your shot with a friend and you very bluntly and honestly say it's going to end one way or another. It's either going to end because you two are together and embark on a romantic

relationship or because they find someone else. And I think I held on for so long because... And you mentioned this in the book, out of a fear of losing him. So I accepted him as a friend, but more than a friend, but because I didn't want to hold him accountable to be more than that. And I figured a friend was better than nothing. But ultimately, you need to shoot your shot or at least give it a chance to work. And I really loved that. That's awesome. And then another one, which I know you've talked about before between the podcast and Instagram Lives, but I think I'm doing as I kind of reflect back on the relationship and I wish I did more while I was in it. And you mentioned this just a few minutes ago, but gratitude versus hope. And hope is an unfulfilled desire and recognizing that you need to kind of meet people where they are.

And sort of that quote, when people show you who they are, believe them. So just because you're hoping that someone will become something or do something does not mean that's the reality. And it probably means it's something that you're not getting in that relationship. And so if I were to look honestly at this relationship, the hopeless was probably a lot longer than the gratitude list. And that's something to think about and consider and recognize. Yeah. I think it's common for most of us too, especially in situationships. Yes, very much so. But yeah, those are like my three biggest takeaways. And then the other sort of bonus one was the don't hold on to the pain

just because it's the last feeling of that relationship. And you feel like once you let it go, it's really over. Well, I really appreciate you taking the time to read it. Who would you recommend this book to? So I felt like it was really helpful and comforting as someone who's sort of going through a breakup. But at the same time, I think it would have been so helpful for me six months ago or a year ago. So I think that anyone who is questioning what they want out of relationships, whether that's one that they are in or moving forward, I think it's going to help me approach relationships differently in the future. So if you're single and looking for your person

and want to navigate relationships in a more self-aware, smarter way, I think that's great. But also, if you're going through it, or if you want to improve a relationship that you're in, I think that there are scenarios and situations and nuggets that are really helpful to sort of any stage that you're in. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your story and give us your thoughts. Keep us posted on your dating life. Love to get updates as you go along. And especially as you kind of get out of this grieving period of your life and start getting back out there. I'd love to hear if anything you read or do you think you'll kind of go back and kind of like, I kind of read it.

I have all these bookmarks. I don't know. Wow. Look at all those bookmarks. Oh my gosh. So yes, I plan to use it as a, as a sort of. Margin notes. Cause I kind of wrote it in hopes that like anyone could like, yeah,

you could read it cover to cover, but also you could just like go back and like need like a reminder of like, you know, if you felt stuck. Sometimes it was like a whole section that I was like, this paragraph or this chapter is really important. But then there were also just like quotes and nuggets. I loved you said, at one point, shavings make a pile. And I'm like, yes, little things can add up to big things in a good way and a bad way. And just little things

like that. So yes, I have my bookmarks and I plan to reference it regularly. All right. Well, good luck. Thank you and I plan to reference it regularly. All right. Well, good luck. Thank you. I'm excited for what's next for you. Congrats on the new job, by the way. Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

All right. Well, take care. Thanks. How's it going? Hey, how's it going, Nick? Good. What's your name? My name is Jack and I'm 26.

Nice to meet you, Jack. You wrote in, you wanted to get an advanced copy and we were like, perfect. Tell us about yourself, your dating situation, what brought you to the show in general, and what made you want to be someone who got an advanced copy of this book? Sure. So I've been single now for about, I'll say, 10 months. And that's single out of a situationship and not on my wishing. I was the person that wanted it. You were the hopeful one? Correct. That's right. I was the one that wanted to be there. It didn't obviously work out. But that's what put me on to the whole 2022 dating scene and all the podcasts and such that talk

about it. And then I got into The Bachelor during Clayton season and that's where I heard about you and your show. So I'm actively dating for the last 10 months or so. I'm getting ready to go overseas for a little bit to work on myself. But then when I get back, I intend to dive right back in. Well, that's great to hear. What did you think about the book? Oh, the book was awesome. I think for me, it would be Don't Text Your Ex Merry Christmas. But the last chapter was right on brand. And I think that anybody that's gone through a breakup should read it. If you read nothing else except the last chapter, it can really give you some examples on how to handle situations in the future

and then also help you reflect on the past. What surprised you, if anything, about the book? I think you did an excellent job going over at the very beginning. You touched on a lot of your main points that you talk about throughout your podcasts every Monday. But I think you did an awesome job rehashing what they mean. The gratitude section was awesome to me. And it really gave me some awesome perspective on a new word to think about and a new way to think about it. The only word that doesn't become toxic is gratitude and just an awesome way to think about situations in the past, but also just the opportunity to

date going forward. What else? Anything else? Yeah. I mean, do you want me to talk about my situationship? Yeah. I'd love to hear about your situationship. Perfect. So I got out of a five-year college relationship back in July of 2020. So fresh into COVID. Very, obviously, lonely time. Didn't really have a lot of people going on. My roommate was... I'll call him nocturnal. So not a lot of people to talk with in my life. And I hopped on the dating apps pretty quickly after getting out of that relationship. And shortly after I met a girl, I'll call her Alex on here.

Initially, I think I started dating her with the intention to form a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. But then on both of our ends, it kind of turned into something casual, but it was never really discussed. And I think that you talk about in the book, establishing boundaries early and defining what you want. That was a learning lesson for me

because I went through this five months of just having good sex, seeing each other once a week, no questions asked, but also not talking about what was happening. And I think that was probably confusing for both of us. Pretty much to sum up what was happening is she came over at like 1am the day after Valentine's Day and Valentine's Day was not discussed. So it was a new experience for me. I wasn't really sure what was happening. And then in May of 2021, I went

and lived with my parents for three months just between leases. And that was away from the state. So I had to travel. It was like a four-hour flight away. So not close. And that was away from the state. So I had to travel. It was like a four hour flight away. So not close. And that's when I kind of realized, Oh shoot, you know what? This girl is someone that I actually like and I enjoyed spending my time with her. And then when I got back to my home state, I realized that I want to be with her. I tried to pursue it and we gave it a couple of dates and she kind of slow faded me. And I finally was like hey what's

going on here and she just said hey the next time i saw you i was going to tell you it's not working but um that's kind of the quick summary of my my situationship um and then i think for what i learned from your book and i this was a year ago when that finally ended but um i for the most part have dealt with that but there are definitely some lingering things, especially being single this whole time. But don't reminisce on the past. I think throughout your podcast, you're always talking about... You always bring attention to the bad. You always want to think about the good, but you don't really acknowledge the bad parts. And I realized, yeah, I only saw this girl for all of 13 hours once a week. And I don't really know her. And you bring attention to that in a week. And I don't really know her.

And you bring attention to that in your book. And just don't think about things on the high side. Kind of come back to reality. And you do a good job outlining that. Yeah. Isn't it kind of amazing when you get out of one of those situationships or dating, or even sometimes for some people, relationships, and you realize how many times you had a thought or concern or question

and you kept it to yourself rather than ask the very person who could give you the best possible insight into that question but we just we just avoid those conversations totally or if we have them it's usually too late i know for me personally and i had it over text i was like hey i'm not really feeling casual about this anymore but that was a four-hour plane right away over over cell phone so it wasn't good communication yeah you're not alone in that and i done all these things yeah definitely came from a place of fucking up myself um so yeah sound like you're pretty ready to pretty optimistic about uh potentially you know getting back out there and now that you're kind of in this very single period of your life, how do you see that now versus maybe how did you see that before you read the book? I think for me, you had a whole section dedicated towards dating. And what really stuck out to me

there was the power of the question why. It's super easy to just go on a first date and kind of have the back and forth of like, oh, what do I do? Or what do you do? And you get this and that. But if you can take that a step further and say, well, why do you have that job? Or why do you feel that way? You can learn so much more about a person, both quickly, but also at a more deeper, vulnerable level. And I think for me, personally, that's something that I was missing in my day-to-day dating life, if you will. Well, that's awesome, man. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and share. It's always great to get men's perspectives as well. I definitely wrote it assuming a lot of women would read it,

but I wrote it in hopes that men would read it too and not feel like it was specific towards women. Did I accomplish that with you? Yeah, absolutely. I think you both directly call that out throughout the book. You're like, hey, this worked both ways. But also, it's life lessons that we've all been through. And I think it's like accumulation of all your Ask Nick episodes, but put in one place that's easy for anybody to digest and move forward with and apply to their daily dating.

Well, thank you again. I appreciate it. Thanks for taking taking the time and good luck in the future and keep us posted on your dating life any update you have for us we'll be happy to hear sure thing thanks man I'll be sure to reach out

I appreciate it someone also wrote in they weren't able to come on the show but they read the book and she wrote us a little email and it says I thought the book was incredibly helpful in teaching me how to navigate modern dating one of the chapters that really resonated with me especially in regards And it says, I decided after one date that I liked him based on having a good time on the date, being fascinated by his job and our chemistry, and I focused on continuing to like him and trying to keep him interested in me rather than continuing to get to know him and assess if we were actually compatible long term.

Very interesting. I also really enjoyed the chapter on navigating hookup culture. It helped me realize that I need to be better at evaluating what my boundaries and expectations are when it comes to sex and communicating that early on. As I mentioned in my initial email, I struggle with communicating my expectations and needs in dating, and Nick's book provided great insight and advice of how I can be better at communicating those things in the future without being afraid of losing the person or scaring them off. After reading his book, I'm actually looking forward to going on dates again and applying what I've learned. I plan to go back and reference over and over as I'm navigating different dating situations.

I would highly recommend this book to any of my friends as I think it could help people in any dating situation. I definitely plan to recommend it to one of my close friends who has had similar struggles as me in dating. She's been getting really discouraged with putting an effort towards someone only to feel like she's getting nothing in return or for it not to go anywhere. I think this book could help give her a new perspective. I especially love when Nick says that we're searching for one person, not many, so it's going to require time and effort. Thanks. What a nice email. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to pre-order Don't text your ex happy birthday just go to vile files.com that's

v-i-a-l-l-f-i-l-e-s.com and pre-order now because if you don't pre-order now then it won't be called a pre-order when you get it it's a big week billy eichner is with us his new movie bros is uh coming out in theaters this week this friday i'm a huge fan of Billy. We are excited to have him, to get to know him a little bit more. We're just trying to give you the best show possible so that you can have the mental and emotional energy to go to vilefiles.com, pre-order my book, and then just enjoy some great podcasting

for the rest of the week. We'll do our part. Now it's time to do yours. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it now. If you want something bad to happen. Cindy says, or be alone. Or be alone. I told her to say that.

Have a great day. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye. you