The Viall Files - E485 Ask Nick - Emotionally Unavailable Or A Jerk?

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

Welcome back to another juicy and exciting episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! On this show, we’re here again to help you navigate through the crazy world of dating, relationships, and situationships, by taking your calls and answering your questions! We bring on our first caller who wonders if she should confess the feelings she’s developed for her brother’s best friend after flirting with him. Now that this guy says he no longer has a girlfriend, our caller wonders if it’s best to be direct, asking him out to get an answer to the question of if he’s actually interested in something more than a flirt. Our next caller joins and asks for advice about what to do after her best friend seems to have ghosted her. Struggling with what seems to be the death of a friendship, our caller wonders if she should reach out or just try to move on, finding a healthy new chapter in her life. Our last caller feels that she isn’t getting the emotional support she needs from her consistent monogamous friends with benefits she’s been seeing for over a year, with this guy giving very unsupportive and disengaged responses when our caller reveals that her mom is in the late stages of cancer. Feeling the desire to focus on her family and move on, she wonders if all jerks are replaceable.  “He ‘customer serviced’ you!”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Grammarly: Get more time in your day with confidence in your work with Grammarly. Go to http://www.grammarly.com/VIALL to sign up for a free account! And when you’re ready to upgrade to Grammarly Premium, get 20% off for being my listener. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to a new and exciting episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by ali and Allie and Amanda. Ladies, how you doing? I'm really good. Fabulous. Fabulous. How was the wedding? Wedding was fabulous.

It was a magnificent event. They are now back from their honeymoon. A lot has happened in the last couple weeks. Great. I look forward to the update tomorrow on some juicy details of the wedding on the recap episode. I, you know, as someone who has always been interested in event planning, what an event. Truly. What's new with you?

I am happy because I started a shared note with my boyfriend that has a calendar of like all of this the like shared commitments we have going forward and I know people don't think I'm type a because because I'm weird I sorry I've actually found it really annoying when people like I'm so weird but I know people don't think I'm type a because I'm a little loose but this I feel so pleased with this update and like it's just really nice having stuff cemented and feeling like there's like a an us of it all wait so what is on the note what like what's an example of something on the note um so we're going for for yom kippur we went to my cousin hayley's house so like stuff like that he went for that or we have a wedding coming up there's also so it's like organized by month and then there's also like so it's more of like an event schedule yes in that way okay it's like a share it's kind

of like it's like a calendar but less high tech i see i see with your boyfriend yeah you don't care you could not know i'm fascinated what do you in what way? A shared calendar. Yeah. Who, who, who, who is this? Is this your idea? Well, he was like, he was like, cause there was kind of a period of time where like all of the events were kind of like swirling up in the air and there were like a bunch of different things. And so he was like, he was like, oh, we should like, he was like, we should like make a list

of something of all this stuff we have coming up. And I was like. Interesting. I wonder how many people dating have a shared calendar. That's a big step. I feel it's less of a step than an actual shared calendar. It's just making sure they don't plan two things for a weekend. When Amanda first said we have a note of our commitments, I thought it was like, I vow to take out the trash every Thursday. That's where I thought it was going.

But this actually makes a lot more sense. It makes a lot of sense. But who's responsible for managing this? I could think it's the greatest idea. I could say it's amazing. But I am not capable of managing a calendar. For all the money in the world, I truly don't know if I could successfully keep up a calendar. You know what I'm going to do right now?

I'm going to write a little note at the bottom that says, does my boyfriend even read this? And see if he responds. Yes. Okay. I was going to say, does Nick, because confusing.

What a bummer for you. I know. For the wedding I was in for my cousin, we made like a fun little... Is this the first time you said his name on the podcast? Maybe.

Yeah. Well, I'm used to saying, I've started calling you my boss a lot more. Because it's more annoying saying my boyfriend than my boss. But for the bridesmaid bridal party I was in, they made like a TikTok where it was like bridesmaids and their problems. And mine was dating someone with the same name as her boss. Okay. So, terrible.

Would you rather date someone who had the same name as your boss? Or your brother? Or like the same name as your parent or your brother as your parent oh definitely boss i don't know i guess it all depends on how you feel about your sibling versus your boss yeah that's more of a depends question because relationships with your boss and siblings can be complicated and if they are complicated then it's like you know super weird i'm really curious how many people do this or have attempted to do this. And I'd love some feedback

if Amanda's in for a world of pain. I bet there's some horror stories on shared calendars. I, okay, I hear that. But the thing that, the reason I don't think I'm in- Also relationship like savers as well. Just depends. Right. Well, like my boyfriend's really good about timing stuff.

Like he is like, he is on time, like early, which is the opposite of me. And so I think because he's really good about timing stuff. He is on time early, which is the opposite of me. And so I think because he's so good about commitments in that small scale way, I presume on a larger scale way, hopefully. Okay. I think part of the key is keeping it with only the important shit. I truly want updates about this. Okay. I couldn't be the opposite from not caring. I really am curious

i it's such a step it's such a step in a relationship at the bottom i put does my boyfriend even read this two question marks so we'll see we'll have our answer i do that i think that's so smart like you know when teachers in college would like tell you to read the syllabus before the first class and then they're like in the in the depths of the syllabus somewhere teeny tiny it's like an automatic a option or it's like, if you were actually reading this, send me an email with your favorite character from Lion King, and I will do that. Is there any bonus points?

Like, and if you do, you get like... No, it's more like you're penalized if you're not. So it's like you're starting off on the wrong foot. Oh, I hate that teacher. I don't read syllabuses. I'm sorry. I don't read. By the way, buy my book.

There is an audio book available with me narrating it. But yes, please, if you haven't already, try it. Don't text your ex happy birthday. I've been really happy with all the feedback. If you haven't yet, please try it. Available now for audio book and this cute little dialogue. What if we read a tiny little excerpt? Go ahead. So this is obviously in reference to the title. This isn't exclusive to birthdays. The same goes for holidays. You're their ex. You're no longer a part of their life. If you want to put a positive spin on it, the fact that this relationship was meaningful to you is why you shouldn't reach out.

They were not a casual friend. They were not a coworker. They were someone you cared for deeply. So when you reach out on a significant day when feelings are still unsettled, you are treating that relationship like it was never more than a casual one. Give that relationship the respect it deserves and simply let it go because it was too special to be turned into something casual with the click of a send button. The relationship being over doesn't mean it wasn't special or that it won't have a place in your heart. It just means it's over and you need time to heal. What a great book. I forgot how awesome it was. He's clutching his pearls.

Wow. Truly, give it a shot. I would appreciate it if you do. Vilefiles.com for all your ordering options. Don't know where commas go? Well, I don't either. And if you get Grammarly, maybe you can write a book too, because I don't fucking know where commas go, and my grammar is atrocious. And I wrote a book. Truly, Grammarly is a game changer for people like me who don't A, have the time to thoroughly proofread everything. And no matter what, if they proofread it 10 times, they'll always miss a few mistakes. Grammarly is helping those people save a ton of time.

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they do. Also get an instant take on how your message comes across. Grammarly's free tone detector. And this is a game changer because when you write something, I mean, like truly, they might not be reading it in the tone that you sent it. And always be mindful of that. And Grammarly really helps you do that. Don't piss anyone off by like forgetting that you might not mean it in the way that they receive it. And use Grammarly to help you get by. Get more time in your day with confidence in your work with Grammarly. Go to Grammarly.com slash V-I-A-L-L to sign up for your free account. And when you're ready to upgrade to Grammarly Premium, get 20% off for being my listener. That's 20% off at G-R-A-M-M-A-R-L-Y dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. If you need help texting some friends and it's a Monday

morning, send in those emails at asknickatcastme.com. Cast with a K for your questions. We'll help you shoot your shot or solve that fight with a friend. Also for all your Ask Nick submissions for your Ask Nick, your long form questions, we're here for you. Send them in. Let's get to our callers. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions How's it going? Good. I am Hannah and I'm 22. How can I help, Hannah? So, in the email I kind of mentioned I have feelings for one of my brother's best friends, which I'm sure is a very kind of sticky situation.

Is your brother older or younger? younger he's older so he's 25 wait what are you looking at like i'm crazy no i just i like your follow-up questions continue continue those are important questions he's eight like he could be 19 i know I know. He's older. How old is he? He's 25. And I'm assuming this guy is the same age. Yeah. And do you just have like a crush from afar or do you have a valid reasons for this crush? So it kind of started about, I'd say like a year ago, we were all at like a wedding all together.

And I kind of like, i'd never been like the type of person to like put myself out there to his friends at all in that way very platonic always um but you know a couple drinks in and i'm like you know what what's the harm so i kind of just was like flirting with him a little bit and i think he was a little taken aback by it um but he definitely was like like giving it back for sure um but the thing is he was moving to minnesota a week after that it all happened and so nothing really ever happened or came of that so did you guys kiss or anything or just no no and i think he was very stressed i think about the whole me being me being the younger sister kind of thing.

And they have had a history with him dating one of my brother's exes kind of thing. So it's already a little bit... So this friend already dated one of your brother's exes? Given my brother's only had one ex in high school. That doesn't make it better. Okay. But yeah, this happened like high school so that doesn't make it better okay but yeah they were this was this happened in high school no this was oh yeah so my brother dated the girl in high school but

then they met in college and he didn't know my brother when he was dating that girl okay so it's more of a coincidence than a yeah okay all right yeah all right so he goes to minnesota goes to minnesota we like just follow each other on instagram that's it like nothing no contact anything um i will say he's always kind of like was in the back of my mind a little bit and then at the end of june there was another wedding so one of another mutual friends down in socal and we were all there and all of my friends all of my brother's friends were all there for the whole week the first night we end up running into all of them at a bar and we're all hanging out and um him and one of our other friends his other friends

so one of my brother's other friends end up walking us back and hanging out with us for the rest of the night um very very flirty um at this point too he had also gotten a girlfriend in minnesota so at this point he has a girlfriend he has a girlfriend and so i was kind of intrigued to see like what that dynamic would be like in a way and he was still very like very flirty still okay so i was kind of described very flirty to me like lots of hugging just like different things with that um i'd say like do you know the whole like oh he's a 10 but he's this kind of thing like very like a lot of that stuff but saying like oh she's a nine but she's like my best friend's younger sister and things like that okay and then it's flirty yeah yeah i don't not like anything crazy but he almost like he was wanting to like me to flirt with him in a way like he was like

setting it up for that like little things where like my response he knew would kind of be flirty i don't know if that makes sense does he still have a girlfriend no okay so that had all happened and then one of the other nights they ended up just um so he's jack and then his other friend will ended up just coming out with me and my friends my brother wasn't there hanging out with us all night um super like just a great time like we honestly all just like very comfortable situation like just a great night and then the wedding happened it was just me and my one other friend Lily and um it was just us four hanging out like the entire wedding and pretty much the entire time which I found kind of odd considering they were all like all their friends were there and it's i don't know and then they ended up driving us back to the airbnb they

were staying at and even at the wedding his friend was saying like oh he's not happy in the relationship that he's in all this stuff i mean he's not in the relationship anymore did you guys yeah have you this stuff i mean it's not in the relationship anymore did you guys yeah have you kissed him anything with him i was very like i was trying to be very careful about not crossing any sort of yeah yeah how long ago is this wedding this was the end of june okay it's only like a month ish ago two months where are we now so we had texted so the night that I got back, he had, we stayed up till like two in the morning texting. A lot of things about like, just like similar interests, like saying how much we have in common.

He even had said like, we listen to very similar music. He said he was like going to make me a playlist and I would make one for him. Oh, how cute. Not, no. And that ended up never happening which honestly probably for the best because at this point he was still in the relationship um and then I was on vacation recently and he had responded to a couple of my posts just like being very complimentary um and then we were texting and he said something like very flirty and

something you definitely would not say with having a girlfriend. And then like quickly after he put like in parentheses, like me and my girlfriend broke up. It's like, don't worry. I'm allowed to like say that stuff now. I was just like, okay.

So he acknowledged. Well, so then he's literally telling you I'm flirting with you. 100%. And I mean, that was definitely like, so what does your brother know? Like, what's your big nothing

what's the dilemma your brother doesn't know anything he doesn't know anything and well that and he still lives in minnesota so it's almost like what's the point in a way like what am i getting out of this you tell me you're the one who's been indulging this for a while now so clearly there's a point you know you're right you're right you're right um who's been indulging this for a while now. So clearly there's a point, you know? You're right, you're right, you're right. I think for me, like I've only had one boyfriend and it was for about four years and I've been single for about two

and I haven't had like literally any sort of feelings like that for anybody. Well, you have options. So based off of, you know, the situation better than I do, I think you should pursue this, you know, why not? But to what degree, maybe you don't know yet, but like, clearly you enjoy talking to him. You like flirting with him. And if you want to maintain even this, like the fact that your brother doesn't know anything is, is weighing on both you and this guy. It like yeah a certain degree so like take

that other question you need to tell your brother are you guys still playing coy with one another or are you like both like we like each other no so that's why like i'm totally confused because i can't read him in a way because he'll reach out more than i do but then kind of cut the conversation short. And I feel like he's almost thinking in the sense of like, there's no point in any of this. And why would I get attached to somebody who's, you know? Here's what you need to do. You need to shoot your shot with him first. You're the guy. What's really important for you in this moment is to not act like the younger sister. You need to put yourself on his level. You need to be confident with your words you need

to be certain about what you want you need to take charge here and so that conversation to the the crush goes something like you're on a facetime with you be like well can we just put it out there that we've been like crushing over each other or flirting like are you when are you going to admit to me that you're just like super obsessed with me you say it like in a joking way just name it get it out there you know but you have to do it confidently you can't be the little sister you know what i'm saying you have to be the boss and you know when you talk to this friend because you doing that will make him feel less weird about it. When you act like the little sister who's like waiting for him to take charge, that's going to like be too weird for him.

So you kind of have to take charge because, you know, he is, you know, best friends with your brother. So you have a conversation with him, see what he says. Like, it's real simple. If he shoots you down, like whatever, like, you know, your ego will be bruised. You'll be sad. You'll move on and then be like, fuck it. He lives in Minnesota. he's dating my brother there's a lot of like built-in

excuses for your ego to like not make yourself feel so bad right yeah like oh well you know i live in minnesota you're your ego your best friends my brother like we shouldn't do this and you're like okay and you can fight a little bit you may like you know you like me just like stop being such a wuss about it and then from that point on you're just like he should tell your brother or you guys decide who tells the brother yeah and you tell him now because like the brother's not gonna want to feel like you went behind his back so it's still early enough that you can just say i think matt's cute or whatever his fucking name is what and you're just like i think he likes me too you know i've been flirting with him i i want to see where it goes you're my brother i love

you personally i think it's better if he does it to say i've been kind of flirting with him. I want to see where it goes. You're my brother. I love you. Personally, I think it's better if he does it to say, I've been kind of flirting with your sister. Nothing's happened, but you're my best friend and I love you. Is it cool? And then you can go to your brother after you know that he's talked to him to say, I want this. Stay out of my way. Because he can tell him to back off, but your brother can't tell you to back off. Now you want to respect this friendship, but like, it's just a weird thing for every brother to like, you know, potentially get over. So like your brother's supposed to feel weird about this, but ultimately if he thinks his friend's a good guy and he, you know, is respectful,

then you should stay out of the way, so to speak. But that's kind of how I think you should handle it. But it starts with you shooting your shot first with the friend and you do it in a way that is kind of boss-like, not demure. You have to be very assertive. You have to be confident in this because otherwise he's going to be like, I'm uncomfortable. He doesn't want to feel like he's pursuing you. So know, like, so you really need to take charge here and go for what you want and see what he says. Okay. I'll definitely do that.

We'll see how that one goes. When was the last time you FaceTimed date this guy? Have you ever? I know. When was the last time you communicated with him? It's been a while. I'd say maybe like two weeks ago. So that's why it's kind of like not that long i know but it's like at this point it's like i feel like i almost have an answer in a sense of

like i don't know he probably doesn't what do you have to lose oh you're right you're right if he rejects you you already know the answer and even if it's not the real answer you can tell yourself that. So I think you should like text them right now and just be like, what are you doing tonight? Oh God. Okay. He's going to say nothing or something. And if he says something and he's going to be like something why or nothing why, and you say, let's FaceTime each other tonight or this week. If it's, if he's free, if he's not doing anything tonight, you say, let's FaceTime each other tonight. Okay.

Just leave it at that. If he says something and he says what this is, be like, oh, well, we should FaceTime each other sometime this week. And if he says why, be like, I don't know, I just missed that face of yours. Flirt with him. You've been flirting. Just keep flirting. No, I know. No, I know. And make it obvious. You know what I'm saying? You got to be assertive here, right? Because you want to make it so obvious at any point he can shoot you down being like, well, I just don't think it's a good idea because of your brother. You know what I'm saying? You've got to be assertive here, right? Because you want to make it so obvious at any point he can shoot you down being like, well, I just don't think it's a good idea because of your brother. You know what I'm saying? Make it a little aggressive. So the point where if he accepts the flirt, you know you're on the same page and you're being so aggressive, not even aggressive, that's not even that aggressive. But that will give him the opportunity to say, oh, I don't know, you're my buddy's sister, whatever. opportunity to say oh i don't know like you're my buddy's sister you know whatever but i think you need to take charge and really go for it and not beat around the bush so to speak so okay text him right now don't do this to me okay what do you have to lose unless you don't want to

i don't want to make you do something you don't want to do let me let me just sit on it for a little bit okay chicken and then i And then, I don't know. I don't know. We'll see. I probably will, knowing me. I'm pretty impulsive, but I don't know about that. So you text him whenever you get the guts. You text him, what are you doing tonight?

That's it. Okay. Real vague. He'll be like, what, is she here? Why did she ask me what I'm doing tonight? Okay. Okay. Good idea.

Thank you. If he just says why, just say, I think we tonight. Okay. Okay. Good idea. If he just says why, just say, I think we should FaceTime. And if he says, I miss your face, I think we should FaceTime. Okay. I'm taking notes. And then go from there. And if he says, I'm busy tonight, say, I think we should FaceTime this week. I miss your face. I think we should FaceTime this week. Then when you FaceTime, ideally you get on a FaceTime and you just say it. Like, can we just stop pretending that we haven't been flirting? And what I want to do is I want to keep flirting with you and I want to do it guilt-free. So if you feel the same way, I think you should do something about it.

Okay. That's good. That's a good idea. I like the way you said that. You know, then go from there. Okay. Sounds good. All right.

Let us know how it goes. I will. I Sounds good. All right. Let us know how it goes. I will. I definitely will. All right. Good luck. Thank you so much. All right. Take care.

Of course. You too. Bye-bye. How's it going? It's good. How are you? Good. What's your name?

My name is Dana and I'm 32. How can I help, Dana? dana and i'm 32 how can i help dana um so my story is um i had like a really close friend like a best friend up and up until a few months ago and um we just stopped being friends um and i'm not sure if i should reach out and try to mend that relationship or I should just try to move on from it. And I was just looking for advice on how to do that because I feel like I didn't really talk about it much with the people in my life, like my friends or my family. Because I'm kind of embarrassed that we're not in contact anymore. Like everyone in my life knows her. We've known each other since I was 12. And we've been in each other's lives, like me and family and she's with my family she's been in my like my

sister's weddings we've been really close and the past few years have been I guess kind of tough for our relationship and yeah and a few months ago it's just we we really didn't have any contact in the last three months. And I'm just not sure if I should try to mend that relationship and try to be friends again. If that's even good for either of us. I mean, why would it be bad? I mean, did something happen? I guess my question is, why do you feel like things have fallen apart between you two? for a while and when I stopped like chasing it it just you know fizzled away because I wasn't maintaining it anymore and so it just stopped being something as long as I was maintaining it we had a friendship but when I um I guess I kind of evolved.

I guess about a year, a year and a half ago, I made changes in my life. And I guess I became a different version of myself. I think a better version of myself. Okay, yeah. Well, that was my next question. So you've made some changes and you like those changes yeah and i i feel like maybe she didn't maybe we just grew apart from it and that's why um i stopped maintaining that relationship as much as i used to and that's why we kind of fell apart between us minus Minus you feeling like you were the one

who was driving the friendship through your efforts. And then when you did hear from her, like you still think she's a good person and adds value to your life when you guys are hanging out, right? Yeah, I mean, I think she's a great person. I'm like not mad at her or have like negative feelings towards her

i guess i was for a while i was disappointed because i felt like like you don't miss me like i don't care you know what happens in my life or um but i i don't think she's a bad person. I think maybe it wasn't out for her. Like when I got more confident in my life, I made changes. I, I, um, evolved in, in, in like other aspects of my life, started dating someone and, and I became like maybe more busy and, and didn't really was like as desperate air quotes for her attention maybe it was like her way like out being like okay so it's gonna fizzle out and you're just not gonna be friends anymore but it does bug me like it's been a while and i'm not feeling great about it i i just i guess i thought what do you have to lose to reach out you know i guess it's my response why not reach out yeah

why do you have to lose i guess i'm like scared that sure like her response will be like like why are you reaching out? Obviously, I don't want anything to do with you. I mean, I'm saying the extreme, but I feel like... Well, there you go. That is the extreme. Yeah.

But you're right, though. That is the extreme. Yeah. But also, something to consider is she's not in your life right now. You're not talking. And right now, the most logical explanation you can come up with is that she stopped wanting to be your friend a while ago and out of courtesy, just kept hanging out with you. And once you stopped, she stopped.

That's not great. And that's already what you think. So how much worse could her just being like yeah you know i'm good really be yeah i mean i guess i i don't know if she'll be honest about it i mean maybe she just wouldn't want to like hurt my feelings well that's the thing most likely if she doesn't want to be your friend she'll just like avoid you with pleasantries right you know so yeah i think you should reach out via you know if you want to go real casual via text or whatever and to say hey i was thinking about you i miss you i would love to catch up sometime see what she says that now granted still you put in the effort and if she's like oh my god i miss you too i was thinking about you too i would love that if she says i would love that then you say well how about next week or Or you plan a date with her, you know, planning getting together. If she takes time to reply and is like, oh my God, how are you? Like, yeah, that sounds good.

We should sometimes, you know, like you'll tell if someone's just like not super. Yeah. Blowing you off. Not even blowing you off, but like, yeah, just not as excited as you are. Then at least you can have your answer. At least, you know, you you tried right and at that point if you feel like she's not wanting to get together with you you can either decide to accept that i've done that you know like sometimes it's more like i've had like platonic girlfriends were like just kind of faded and i was like you know i kind of miss our friendship but like whatever like maybe without me like asking if like they deep down they wanted more than the platonic friendship i i just put it out

there that i you know i'd love to get together with some sometime them sometime and if they didn't like follow through then i just kind of left it be right you know this is a little different you've been friends with this person for so long so like if you decided that you wanted to just say hey for what it's worth like i miss our friendship and if you're interested like i'd love to like have both of us like reinvest in that friendship and i think you'd be justified in saying that but i also think it would be fine to just maybe let it go but like i definitely think it's worth reaching out just to send a simple text hey was thinking about you would love to get together it's been too long

let's catch up right see what she says just to make sure like i i wasn't giving up on it because hopefully she responds he says oh my god yeah i miss you too we definitely should and then you say let's get together and then when you get together you know try to have fun but at some point in the hangout you say you know i really did miss you and like i just you know we've definitely have grown apart a little bit and And, you know, maybe we're just busy. But is it anything I've done? And have one of those like heart to hearts, you know? If it's a friendship worth having, you guys need to,

friendships sometimes need to like air their grievances and frustrations. And my guess is most likely it's not the extremes. Maybe she has her own like thoughts and insecurities. Maybe she has a bit of frustration with you. And or most likely it's just like maybe she made some other friends that made her feel better not that you made her feel bad but like sometimes we meet friends that like validate the ways we want to be validated right and she's just prioritizing that right now it's not necessarily against you it's just more it's actually one of my concerns for reaching out was that i was concerned that if we got

together and just like you suggested now she would you know tell me things i don't want to hear like maybe i hurt her or did something or like i can't think of something that i did wrong but if you did don't you want the opportunity to A, know what it is and B, then apologize? Yeah, I guess I do. Right. I would want to know if someone was mad at me for something, especially if I hadn't, you know, you've heard of like the simplest explanation is often the right one. So you're being paranoid, you're getting in your head and maybe, maybe you did something, I don't know, but most likely it just kind of faded away, you know?

Yeah. And that happens all the time with friends. It says, it's not that you did anything to make her mad. It says that she might be enjoying someone else's company more than yours. Yeah. And maybe it is because like you made some changes in your life and, you know, you got a boyfriend or you sort of prioritizing other people. And maybe it was like one of those things,

she was insecure and felt like you were distancing yourself from her so she literally could be on the other side of this feeling the exact same way as you. Maybe not, I don't know, but literally all things are on the table and those are far more likely than you not remembering something that you did to her that made her like really mad at you that she like wants to exile but even if that is true wouldn't you want to know so you can either say

oh my god i didn't realize i'm sorry or maybe i'm remembering it differently but i i i that didn't happen you know or etc etc i was sure what would like the opportunity to apologize if i you know heard her in any way like as i like she she she was one of my my my closest friends i wouldn't want to yeah just tell her that i mean these are to me these are all better than the scenarios of you just guessing right why you're not in each other's lives because that's the thing you're not in each other's lives now right we're not so what do're not in each other's lives now. Right. We're not. So what do you have to lose other than like maybe like a tough conversation or saying

something to her that maybe hurts your feelings that it isn't true or doesn't feel fair. But you're already assuming all these already. That's true. Yeah, that's so true. Yeah. So I would just hit her up via text. Tell her you miss her. Tell her you'd love to catch up, go from there, see what she says. And then if you do get together, just put it all on the table.

Yeah, sounds like a plan. I miss our friendship. I miss you. And if you've been busy, that's fine. But I just know that I would love to reinvest in this friendship. And that happens all the time with friends. Sometimes there's some distance and you get back together and you're better than ever before. I would love to reinvest in this friendship. And that happens all the time with friends. Sometimes there's some distance and you get back together and you're better than ever before.

Or maybe you don't start hanging out again. But it's not that uncommon for friends to have these kind of ebbs and flows. Great. Thank you so much for your advice. I'm a huge fan. Thank you. Let us know how it goes. I will. I'll send you guys

an update hopefully it goes well well my guess is I don't know how it's going to go but my guess is it's going to be

better than you feel now and you'll have clarity my guess is you'll either have rekindled the friendship or you'll say yeah I reached out and honestly

it just seems like she's on a different path and so am I and I'm sad about it, but at least I know I didn't like do anything. Right. You know, it's just,

I guess like, yeah, you're just, yeah. My guess is either you'll reconnect a friendship or just accept the fact that you guys have just grown apart. Right. And it's no one's fault.

Right. All right. Well, fingers crossed. All right. Well, I'm, I i'm sure it'll go it'll be better than this of you just wondering yeah all right thanks again thank you so much my pleasure all right thank you thanks have a good rest of your day all right yeah you too bye-bye how's it going it's going well how are you good what's your name um rory hi rory how old are you i'm 26 how can i help um so i have been seeing the same guy for about a year and a half now

um he's 29 just for some context um and to kind of give you some background information about our relationship and quotes um we've been pretty much consistent friends with benefits um with the understanding that this was like a monogamous kind of situation i was very adamant that i didn't i wasn't planning on being with other people and i kind of had the expectation that he wasn't either which were terms that he happily agreed to. How long has this been going on for again? A year and a half. You refer to him as a friend with benefits?

I refer to him as, to other people, as just like the guy that I'm seeing. That's basically what I started saying. I had met his friends probably six months into this and became like a pretty consistent part of his life. He was in like a friend group that I very quickly became a member of, hanging out with them every weekend. We both live in states, like states away from our families and we don't really see our families that much, but I met his family, like his parents, parents his sisters and stuff like on FaceTime multiple times um and we would

do the standard like relationship shit all the time of like dates sleepovers hanging out there was a surprise party that was thrown for me on my birthday um intimate conversations he stayed with me for like almost a month after a hurricane because he didn't have a place to live so that's been a little confusing but I would like to think that there was a shared level of emotional intimacy despite not having a title. So I kind of rolled with the punches for a while. I kind of would go back and forth between like, do I want to push for this?

And also I feel like I'm getting everything I want right now, so I'm not going to cause fights over it. But when I would push for more... Wait, wait. Are you getting everything you want right now. So like, I'm not going to cause fights over it, but when I would push for more, are you getting everything you want right now? Like, no, but I also wasn't really wanting to pursue anything else. So I kind of like made the sacrifice at the time that I liked the dynamic

enough to roll with it. Um, and I would bring it up. I mean, that's a very favorable way of saying that you settled for something that you thought was good enough and gave up what you really wanted rather than saying, I also decided I was happy with this current situation. agree with that um when i would start the push for the conversation of like i want to have more the response that i would get was basically like i care about you a lot i'm not capable of being in a relationship not right now but ever again and i was like okay okay yeah you got your answer yep i did and so from there there was like

and do you know why is like a is he blaming on some sort of past girlfriend shit or just the level of emotional unavailability yes i know he has a very complicated past yes i've heard the stories yes i kind of know the context for a lot of it um that excuse only ran so far right Right. And at one point I even was like, you know, you might change your mind down the road if you met somebody else who you felt more connected to. So I kind of recently over the last couple of months have been contemplating leaving the situation, trying to find better. Like I knew that this was going to have an expiration date at some point. The reason I ultimately wrote in and I, my my apologies because it is about to get slightly heavy. Recently, I did find out that my mom very unexpectedly is in late stages of metastatic cancer.

Oh, that's so sorry. Yeah, that's okay. And that spread to her brain. So pretty much when I found out, I was a wreck. And I called him kind of looking for support. And he pretty much completely emotionally shut down. It was just like, sorry, I don't know how to help you. And he used like work as an excuse for why he couldn't come over.

And he was just kind of a jerk. And we ended up getting into a really big fight because at that point, I had so much emotional energy that I didn't want to focus on my mom. So I just decided to focus it on him instead. so much emotional energy that I didn't want to focus on my mom. So I just decided to focus it on him instead. And after about three hours, I finally got like a bare minimum of like, sorry,

this is happening. I can't imagine what you're going through. Wish I could do more. And I was just kind of like, this is unfortunate. And you're a little too late. Pretty much. He customer serviced you.

You know, you know, that's the most irritating about customer service when you call them up and then you're like can you do x y or z and they're like sorry we can't help you and you're thinking no you can you just don't want to don't want to you know i kind of didn't i basically was just like thanks thanks for your BS generic response. I'm going to see myself out. And then a few days later, he texted me and was like, any updates? And I was like, hey, well, not for you. And I didn't answer, obviously. You're like, no, she's still dying.

Literally this. Is that what he's asking for an update on? Yes. That's what he was like. I'm like yep nope same i'm still sad she's still dying fuck you um literally that um i just didn't respond and then a few two more days passed and he texted me again and was like you know you can hate me but i really do care about you and i'm so sorry i wasn't there for you the other day and I want to be now, but I don't know how, and I don't want to make it worse. And so that was kind of difficult for me because I was already dealing with so much at the time

and I'm just like, not really sure what the motive is here. And so I kind of just tried to be polite and be like, you know, I need some space to like have the people in my life who've proven that they're going to show up for me. And it's hard for me to understand this level of that you care so much, given how you acted in the situation. And then it's also just kind of a lot for you to be texting me, asking me to make amends and move past this at this time, given what's already going on.

And so that was kind of where I left it. And then a day later, he was basically just like, like okay fine like you'll never hear from me again and I was like that's traumatic and then he texted me a few hours later and was like I just don't know what to do like I'm in panic mode um and then I just kind of like lost my mind a little bit because I was just like you're panicking you that's that's. Because like, what am I supposed to do for you? And on one hand, like, I know I'm like very not naive to the sense of emotional unavailability. And I can understand that there are things at play here that maybe don't have anything to do with me. And I can tell that there's like some remorse for the behavior. But on the other hand,

I'm like, people are in control of themselves. and i don't care like what your issues are this is not acceptable and like you should have been here for me right well i mean sure he i mean should have if he wanted you in his life sure and that's the thing i was like i don't know anything about this guy but he either is emotionally unavailable and has some work to do or he is just like any other person who is using it as an excuse to not have the expectations that come with being in a committed relationship. If it's the former, that's kind of on you to just accept that he is, in fact, emotionally unavailable, and whatever work he needs to do is going to require probably therapy in time. And regardless of what you're personally going through now, he has shown you this inability

to be emotionally available, as you say. And you've gotten your answer and you have accepted less than what you want. And the fact that you're going through this with your mom is so terrible and I'm so sorry. If he is in fact emotionally unavailable, then we kind of expected this, so to speak. I definitely feel like there was, I guess for me, based on everything,

the intricacies of the time that we spent together, I guess behind closed doors, right? So not like the time that we had spent or the conversations that we had had, I expected a little bit more. So in some ways it wasn't shocking. In some ways it was because this was such an impactful moment that he chose to turn away from. And so I guess like, I'm just like, is this grounds to just completely cut this person out of my life? Or is this such an intense thing for somebody who's emotionally unavailable that there's room for like understanding, right? Well, I don't know how to answer that question because it kind of contradicts itself. But Myher,

I'm going to ask you a question. Okay. What do you truly believe? Do you believe that he is A, truly emotionally unavailable? Or B, do you think you and him have used this emotionally unavailable excuse to let him off the hook for not committing to you? Am I making sense? A hundred percent. I've asked myself this question. I've gone back and forth about this question a lot over the last year and a half. And for me personally, based on the experiences that we've had together, deeply, I do think that there are some underlying things, like you said, that need to be addressed in therapy.

But the problem that I've had is that people on the outside, the mutual friends that we share and stuff have kind of been like, absolutely not and run. The thing that you're failing to grasp, and I don't mean to be hard on you be hard is that if he is emotionally unavailable then you're wasting your time you're not his therapist you're not his caretaker his mom in a relationship a healthy relationship yeah like you want to be each other's support system but if he is in fact emotionally unavailable and he requires some like maturing and and like therapy or whatever it is that that takes time and you have to just accept that's who he is you keep using his emotional unavailability as an excuse to keep allowing him in your life

which is the opposite of what you should be doing. Like, oh, he's emotionally available. So I guess that's why I can't date him, but I'll keep letting this emotional unavailable person into my life and then count on them to be emotionally supportive in times of emotional distress that I have. That's what you're doing right now. And while he might've been a jerk and I'm sorry he was this way he was when going through what you're going through that is what you're doing you know what i'm saying so you know like you're you're expecting a car without wheels to drive you from point a to point b i guess that's a really good way to and you're just like this can't be my car because it doesn't have wheels that's why it can't be my car But you just keep sitting in the driver's seat, hanging around, expecting it to take you places.

I guess that's true. Yeah, that's all. That's all accurate. I think hearing it that way is different. It's hard sometimes to hear it from other people who have weight in the situation just because there's that whole underlying concept of like, yeah, but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. But I think the way that you're phrasing it, it's like, not that it doesn't matter what goes on behind closed doors, but at the end of the day, a car with no wheels can't go where it needs to go, right? Yeah. And some people do use emotional unavailability as an

excuse. It's like, I don't want a girlfriend right now. I can't. I'm just emotionally unavailable. And then a month later, you find out they have a new girlfriend or boyfriend with someone they just were willing to be emotionally available with right but it sounds like that doesn't seem to be the case only because like this has been going on for so long and you've allowed it to go along well yes but even like when we've taken breaks or whatever like there is there's just like been consistency where he just comes back or i get hit with these text messages of like i just like i don't know what to do like these these this um this war of the minds basically that i watch play out with him like to me basically like in his own guilt basically this was just one example of how that's kind of so yeah i would stop having

empathy i guess for his guilt. I do have so much, but yeah. You have empathy, but it's like, not to sound like a dick, but it's just not my problem anymore. Right now, I feel like it can't be my problem because of what's going on. It should never have been your problem. And regardless of what's going on with your mom, you could say, listen, you have so many great qualities about you. Obviously, this is why I've been like, you know, certainly I've had feelings for you. I've invested a year and a half of my life with you, but like you need to grow up. You need to take accountability

for the fact that you need to like be more attached emotionally. Because at the end of the day, if you want to be considered a friend to people or in people's lives, you expect so much from people to support you emotionally, but you're incapable of giving anything back. And quite honestly, that's kind of selfish and unfair to anyone, not just me, who encounters you in your life. So I've just decided I am no longer capable of giving you so much of my energy and expecting and getting nothing in return. And so I'm choosing to distance myself from you. And quite frankly, I'm saying this as a friend, like, you know, I don't know if that

bothers you or not, but like, if it does, then do something about it. You know, like, does he have a job? Yeah. Does he pay rent? Like, a normal functioning person in society. He can hold himself accountable for taking the proper steps to learn how to deal with whatever he's had to deal with. At some point, people have to stop blaming their problems on something that happened and just be willing to do something about it. It's like, yes, okay, whatever happened to you, I'm sorry, that sucks. And you're acknowledging that it's affecting you in this way, but that's not an excuse for you

to negatively impact the people around you. And you are negatively impacting the people around you. So you either need to do something about it or not. But either way, I'm going to remove myself from your sphere because quite honestly, you're damaging the people around you because you're so needy of other people's emotions and you're so unwilling to give it back right there is definitely like a need for that to be here to have that kind of like consistency

from somebody and an unwillingness to return you need to stop getting a sense of pride or validation from being the person he needs when he needs them. It's so loud on this bus right now. It's not something you should think of as a badge of honor. It should make you mad. I think this is probably the first time that it ever did make me mad. was probably the first time that it ever did make me mad where I was just so like, how could you not step outside yourself for five seconds to understand the severity of what's playing out in front of you? And at that point I was just pissed basically.

But yeah. But I imagine if you went back and thought of other scenarios that weren't so obviously dire and sad, you know know you were constantly giving him your energy and he was just giving you his dick i guess i don't know yeah which i don't know how good of a dick it is but like you know over time all dicks can be replaced absolutely minus what you're going through obviously with your mom i think you definitely have to hold yourself accountable for the role you played in allowing this to happen for sure i've definitely been trying to focus on that you don't need to beat

yourself up over it but like and use that analogy it's kind of insanity when you think of it that way his lack of emotional availability is not reason to give him more chances and more time. It's what should stop you from investing any more energy in him at all. And just accept him for who he is. Just an energy sucker. See, at least energy sucker sounds better than just piece of shit. He's not a piece of shit. No, he's not.

I don't feel that he's like, I think a lot of people, even like his friends are just like, he's being a piece of shit. Just like walk away. And I'm like, I don't feel like he's definitely an energy. They're saying that to you because they've watched you invest all this time. They're trying to wake you up as much as you know, like it's probably, they're probably saying it to you because they see you hurting over this guy you know what i'm saying like right and they can just call him a piece of shit because like he you know in that moment he was a piece of shit but as a

human being he's probably not he's not a horrible person he's just selfish and needy and and incapable apparently for thinking about anyone else but his emotional needs and that's not going to change overnight it's going to acquire like maybe a little bit of a rock bottom moment and like therapy or whatever it is but his friends are saying it to you to get you to wake up they're not saying it to you to like talk shit about their friend no of course not you know and like that was always clear like we are equally on the friend totem pole like i've gotten into a place now where it's like it is pretty equal at first i was the new girl and now i'm the girl so he acted like a piece of shit but what he is is an emotional energy sucker oh i love this new term this is great this is so great. So yeah, that's what you need to do.

I really appreciate you talking this through with me. I told all of my friends, we're like, maybe when Nick tells you, you're going to wake up and maybe start listening a little bit more. And you phrased it in a great way. You've given me a really great argument for this, for leaving. So I appreciate it. Well, when he keeps fighting for you right now in the meantime you just say i can't right now and if you care about me i think you would just leave

me alone because i need to focus on my family and my mom yeah definitely and if you want to bother by saying you are not his parent or his emotional like compass you're not his therapist so he doesn't need to hear any of this from you you know what i'm saying you're not his therapist so he doesn't need to hear any of this from you you know what i'm saying you're not it's not your job to save him i always struggle with that even if he got i always feel like i have to have the last word and if you really think that he really needs a lot of work to do even if he started therapy tomorrow it's just not happening overnight so you really need to let him go and let him lose you and like have some real distance and like deal with this. A year and a half goes by.

And if he pops back into your life, truly a new person who can come to you, like someone like literally coming to you, who's like going through AAA saying like, you know, I've hurt you. I've wronged you. I'm here to make amends, et cetera. Kind of some version of that truly, you know,, I've hurt you, I've wronged you, I'm here to make amends, et cetera. Kind of some version of that, truly. Like then, only then can you even consider the possibility that he's emotionally mature enough in a place in his life where he can give you the emotional support that you require to be in a relationship or any type of relationship,

relationship, fuck buddy, whatever. Right. So stop accepting less than than what you know you want you know this is really yeah this this was a new level of of lowering the acceptance bar because at this point it's what what what am i accepting like you know what i mean that was imagine you're sitting in a car with no wheels being like why aren't we going anywhere i'm so frustrated we're late i'm late for this meeting why aren't we going that's you right now that and that like you know just and i'm saying this with love is crazy it is you know imagine you're on the street you're parked

you know and you're just in a car there's no wheels and you're losing your shit in the car being like i'm late for my meeting people be walking past you and be like, what the fuck is going on with this chick? You know? And that's what's going on with you. Oof. No time machines, no getting time back, only moving forward, right?

There you go. And getting better out of my time. Focus on your mom. These are valuable times you have with your mom and give her all your emotion and all your love. Give to her and stop wasting it on this guy. Okay.

This is good. This is great. Thank you very much for your time. All right. Take care. I'm sorry. You too. It's okay.

Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. My pleasure. All right. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in those questions that ask nick at cast me on

com cast with a k we're here on wednesday breaking down bachelor in paradise going deeper on thursday surprise guests you know you're gonna love them and uh don't forget vilefiles.com to order don't text your ex Bye.