The Viall Files - E489 Ask Nick - He Loved Me Until He Knew My Secret

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

Welcome back to another juicy and exciting episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! On this show, we’re here again to bring on our callers and help them by giving them advice as they navigate the dating world and other relationships. We bring on our first caller who is adopted and is having issues trying to form an adult relationship with her birth mother. After her biological mom starts displaying toxic energy and jealousy towards the caller’s adopted parents, she wonders how she can best go about facilitating a relationship with the person that gave birth to her. We then bring on our second caller who is having issues after her boyfriend went through her phone while she was sleeping, revealing that in the past she was a sugar baby. Surprised by this discovery, the boyfriend doesn’t seem as engaged or happy in the relationship. Our caller wonders how to approach talking to her boyfriend about loving her for all of her and not judging her past. We then bring on our last caller who is dating a guy that went on a reality TV show. Now that the show is coming out and it seems like this guy is getting an edit that makes him look really bad, our caller wonders how to react to it all, especially after seeing him have some negative traits with bad communication.  “You have to give people an opportunity to accept you”  Please nominate us for People’s Choice Awards The Pop Podcast of 2022 by going to https://www.votepca.com/pop-culture/the-pop-podcast-of-2022 and typing in “The Viall Files” where you can nominate up to 25 times a day!  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: ZocDoc: Go to http://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I am your host, Nick in New York, sitting next to my lovely girlfriend Allie. Allie and Amanda are in studio in LA. Hello. Ladies, how are you doing? I have kind of a not great update. It's not really an update, but it's something that I've been processing. Promising young man, promising new man. What did we call him? I don't really, doesn't matter. He has a new girl and he put her on his Instagram a few days before my sister's wedding. So that was a shock. And I was like, you know, breakups, here's my analogy. Breakups are like giving birth. You brace yourself for the breakup and you're like, this is going to suck. And, but it's like, whatever, it's going to be done. We'll through the pain and then you have to give birth to your placenta and the placenta is them moving on to someone else and

it's a secondary pain that i don't feel like people think about enough but it happens every time and the breakups suck and then them moving on just it's like a it just sucks because i literally was like still so hung up on him that i was debating texting him the night before. And I just like didn't. And I was like, he was in bed with someone else. I think leave the analogies to me. Everyone I've told that to says it's a really good one. Even a girl who, a friend of mine who's given birth. I don't know. I hate that for you.

But also, why were you still hung up on him? I don't know because i was really into him i've never met someone like him i've never met someone who like had the qualities he did i've never been with someone who when someone's like what do you like about them i like actually have like a full list well i'm sorry you're sad yeah um rip the band-aid off at least i feel like it's obviously like not ideal but now there's a a degree of like finality to it yeah it's like okay i'm guessing what what are you feeling right now? Curious.

I mean, it's like been a while. I saw it on Instagram. I was just like in shock. This was on like a Wednesday. And then I went on a walk with my mom and then I went down to my bedroom and just like cried in bed. And then my dad was like, you want to come to the dog park? And I was like, no, I don't want to come to the dog park.

And my mom came down. She's like, I tried to make a Paloma, but it doesn't taste as good as yours. You have to come help me? And I was like, no, I don't want to come to the dog park. And my mom came down. She's like, I tried to make a Paloma, but it doesn't taste as good as yours. You have to come help me. And I was like, fine, I'll come. If I were going to think of a way to coax Allie out of her room, that would be exactly it. But what are you actually feeling?

Describe the feeling. Like I was like, am I just like a joke? Because I'm still hung up on him. And he's like clear, like he's like not only joke because i'm still hung up on him and he's like clear like he's like not only with someone but like posting her on instagram and like so it sounds like a different like i'm like oh what do you mean by joke like i'm like didn't matter it sounds like the like the connection feels delegitimized because he was able to move like i was just like like someone who was like always willing to give him a call and send him

groceries when he needed them as opposed to someone he was like always willing to give him a call and send him groceries when he needed them. As opposed to someone he actually like saw a future with. Despite him saying things like, oh, you'll be married to me at some point. That's many questions. People say things, Allie. We know this. Yeah. And also like your willingness to do things for him is a quality that you have that he didn't appreciate.

Doesn't make you stupid. And I was like, oh, I'll like try and like push myself to like talk to more people on dating apps or like whatever. And then I got stood up for a FaceTime date last week. So I was like, we are thriving. I know it can be hard, but it's happened. We are thriving. I know it can be hard, but it's happened. Also, for all you know, what she has over you is that she lives in the same city.

Yeah. I'm sorry you're going through this, but please do me a favor and just remember all the things we talk about every week and and uh remind yourself to not fall down that trap of those things of did it really even matter did i matter did anything we have matter like he's just trying someone new and there was someone you know who heard about you when you guys were hanging out that got upset that you guys were hanging out and then you guys stopped hanging out, you know. Just remember. I also, sometimes processing like does not come after the fact. Like, I feel like a few weeks ago, I just started really processing new girl stuff.

And I was like, where is that coming from? I was talking about that the other day. I was like, I was thinking about him so much more in the past few weeks than I was even like right after it happened. That should tell you both something. It means it's not about them. Most likely it's about something you're experiencing in your own life. Yeah. You know, they might be the catalyst for why it's brought up, you know.

Also, like this FaceTime date you got ghosted or stood up on was it right around that time no that was supposed to be end of last week he posted with the new girl two weeks ago okay but i'm just saying like yeah if if things come up after the fact i i feel like i could be wrong. I don't know. I'm not a therapist, but I just feel like it has more to do with what you're experiencing. And they are just things that your ego, your memory brings up to say, see, I told you so you should feel shitty about this or et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And that's just an easy scapegoat because that moment made you feel a little less than.

Gosh, darn it, guys. What are we going to do? I particularly didn't think he was all that exceptional, but that's just me. Nick did not. I just feel like when your person shows up, you're like, Jesus Christ, where were you? Why was your flight delayed so much? Like, come on. Yeah, but I hope that you feel that way after six months of knowing him.

Yeah. Very true. Yeah. I went to the movies alone. Good for you. It's the best place to go alone. Yeah, I saw Bros. It rocked.

I thought it was super funny. Yeah, it's a great movie. I saw the girl who booked. I auditioned for Bros. And the girl who ended up booking the role that I also auditioned for posted her audition tape on TikTok. So I got to see what she submitted and why she got it over me. What was it? And I was like, when they're in the movie theater and they run into the guy from the hometown with the girlfriend or the fiance, the fiance.

Ah. So, yeah. And how did you feel like she did? I thought, no, her tape was great. Yeah. It was good. Okay. Mm-hmm. She just played it a little differently, but I liked how she did it.

Yeah. But it was like fun to see. I'm sorry that you're bummed about whatever the fuck his name is, but I'm not sorry you're not with him. Yeah. We got to find someone new. You're going to be fine. You give me one night and creative control of your hand, Jallian.

You have dates. That's my friend did that yesterday. And I was like, please stop. It's going to be too many. I'm going to be overwhelmed. And then I looked and there's like 10 of them. And I was like, no, I can't keep up with this many people. You know what I love about my book?

It's, I wrote it, transition. I wrote it with the idea that the things that we talk about on the show are really fucking hard. And despite us talking about them over and over and over, it's very easy to relapse and get in a rut or feel stuck when things happen. Like Allie is experiencing right now, it's a very normal and understandable and justified feeling. and justified feeling. And so if you relate to Allie in any way, I promise you this book is very much written for you. And even if you read it, you can go back and reference it. I wrote it with the idea that even if you read it or listen to the show, that you're going to need just that kind of voice, that reminder, that guide to like page back and look on certain chapters. Allie, like chapter 10, how to get over them or, you know, staying or going or just the intro.

I feel like Allie maybe just page through those chapters, might make you feel a little bit better. I don't know. But that's the idea. And so if you haven't checked it out yet, I really hope that you do. Thank you everyone who has and all the reviews. I really am just floored and flattered by what people have said about it. It means a lot and it's exciting to be able to put this out there. So I hope you check it out. If you haven't already, tell your friends, get it for your friends, get it for your allies who are going you know, going through it right now. And, uh, yeah. Uh, anything else before Tino this week, Tino Thursday going deeper, uh, bachelor in paradise on Wednesday. So, uh, exciting week for you ahead, subscribe, rate, review all that fun stuff. Oh, and if you haven't listened to the update show,

we dropped our second update Ask Nick show last Friday. So be sure to check that out. All your Ask Nick updates and texting office hour updates. If you are dying to find out what's going on with these people, I know you all are. Go check it out. Let's get to work, all of us. Zoc Doc. Do you need a doctor? ZocDoc has you covered. I still think ZocDoc is...

It's amazing. When I first heard of ZocDoc, I was like, first of all, why haven't I done this before? Second of all, why isn't anyone using it? It's free, first of all. They just get the ZocDoc app. They've thought of everything too, because not only can you put in the search, like location and what services you're looking for and what your insurance is. And then it'll pop up usually on like a map, which in LA is very important because you don't want to get stuck in traffic. And you know, these people take your insurance. You can then see what dates and times they have available for an appointment. And then you just like click on which one you want. ZocDoc then will like send you an email and be like, your appointment's pending. They reach out to the doctor, the dentist,

whoever you're trying to see, confirm with them. And then they'll send you an email back being like, hey, we got a confirmation from them. So all of my like fellow, I don't know what I am, millennial Gen Z, somewhere in there that's afraid of the phone, let ZocDoc just schedule your appointments for you and get that confirmation on your behalf.

Boom, find a doctor that is reviewed by actual patients. Let ZocDoc just schedule your appointments for you and get that confirmation on your behalf. Boom. Find a doctor that is reviewed by actual patients. You know if they're good, if they're bad, if they take your insurance. I mean, no longer do you have to try to find a doctor that you can trust and then find out that they only have availability four months away. Well, I'm sorry. When I need a doctor, I need a doctor now. Dentist, whatever, or like urologist,

pediatrician, foot doctor, well, it doesn't matter. ZocDoc has it covered for everybody. And again, right in an easy app for all you Gen Zers out there or millennials, it doesn't matter. And have the trust that you're getting a doctor that is reviewed by other patients. You can see the reviews right there.

So if you need a doctor, ZocDoc is a free app that shows you the doctors who are patient reviewed, takes your insurance and available when you need them. Go to ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then start your search for a top rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash V-I-A-L-L.

Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Michelle. I am 30 years old. How can we help, Michelle? All right. So since I wrote in, I guess I should start with a question.

I am adopted and I have a long standing relationship with my birth mother that has been sometimes not so easy. So my question I'm going to lay out first is, do I move on from the past and continue a relationship or do I like not move on, move on in a way, but not continue with her? Um, And I guess a little backstory probably would be that I was adopted at birth. My birth parents are amazing. I'll just refer to them as birth mom, birth parents, or whatever, or adoptive parents, sorry. Who's amazing? Your birth parents or adopted parents or both? There's so many components that I'm losing track already. So my birth mom and then adopted parents. Yeah. There we go. Okay. So around 10 years old, I started having a relationship with my birth mom. And it was like a closed adoption. So my parents were always there

with me. And it would be set up through the adoption agency. So I would see her once a year or whatnot. I was really young. I've always known I was adopted. But it would be set up through the adoption agency. So I would see her once a year or whatnot. I was really young. I've always known I was adopted, but it was just like, let's go for dinner and see each other. And then moving forward, when I was about 16 years old, she had contacted me privately on Facebook and, she wanted a relationship and not to tell my parents, which is a no, no. Oh, so she didn't get your parents permission. No. And you were 10, 16 at this point still. Yeah. So like, I think 18 is like when technically she would be allowed to have a relationship with me if I chose to without like my parents being involved.

relationship with me if I chose to without like my parents being involved. So yeah. And I was a very like angsty teenager. I felt like I didn't really fit into my family. My sister's also adopted, but she's much younger than me and everyone thinks that's their birth child. So I'm just kind of like the odd one out. That's how I always always felt I don't think it's really that case but that's how I felt at 16 right so um then we had this like secret relationship for like two years almost and it got brought up to my um adoptive parents my parents when I wanted to invite her to my graduation and my mom was like what what, like, where is this coming from? And that, that started a whole, started tumultuous thing between the two of them. And then at some point we started seeing each other privately and things were

okay. I was probably about 20 years old. So like I would go out to see her. Like when I was driving, I'd drive out to see her. She lives somewhat close to me and we'd spend time together and everything seemed fine. But like, there was like little things that she kind of would say and do that were really bizarre to me. She'd be like, I cry when you don't wish me a happy mother's day. And like, I don't know. It's just so, so bizarre. And I was like, well, you know, like you gave me life.

I'm thankful for you, but you didn't raise me. Yeah. So for a long time, that just made me a little bit uncomfortable. And then she would kind of ask me things like, can you pick up my dad on the way out to see me I met her dad like once and I was like um no and I would end up just bailing and that started another fight so like there was like multiple fights throughout the years of my life and so there's always just been in the back of my mind it's just been like a really like toxic situation and it was always

um she felt as if my mother was kind of separating us which is not the case my mom's been supportive but like also like rightfully so at 16 you were talking to me privately right so like the main thing that's just kind of like a little backstory of the younger. The main issue that I'm having with... I sent some texts in and it was a fight we had. I think it was back in 2019. I had just gotten engaged to my now husband. We were in LA for my birthday. It was, I think, two days before my birthday. And we were going to Disneyland, and she realized that I had blocked her from seeing posts on social media. And that is because she wanted to be invited to my wedding. And I told her before I even got engaged that we would elope because that's just such an awkward situation. No one in my family knows her.

Everyone knows I'm adopted, but no one's ever met her. Yeah. Technically, you lied to her, though. situation. No one in my family knows her. Everyone knows I'm adopted, but no one's ever met her. Technically, you lied to her. Yes. At this age... How old were you then? I was 26. I've definitely done some growing up and I know that

I handled it the wrong way. I think if I approached it right away, I was really scared of how she was going to react and what was going to happen because I've known like how her fights have ended before yeah so once she figured that out those are those messages and it just got like really intense really fast she started blaming my mom and saying like you know if it wasn't for me they wouldn't have you i feel so disrespected she wrote a hundred percent of the issue is from your mother none of it is it from me well that alone i mean like what do they say like insurance companies even if you get rear-ended like 10 is

your fault because you were there kind of thing. Nothing's a hundred percent, especially when it comes to like conflict or misunderstanding. Read my letter. I thoughtfully wrote you. She is very quick to give herself credit. It's too bad the mother, the mother. Yeah. Interesting. There's, yeah, there's one part where she like, like what you already read, where she said, like, you know, this is all to do with your mother. And then I said, don't blame my mom. She goes, I never said that. And I'm like circled the message and sent it back to her. Yes. So that was, that was where it really, really hurt me because me and my mom, my adoptive mother, we've had a hard relationship, but like as adults, we're so close now. And like, that was the first time I really felt like I could stand up for my mom. And yeah, so that was that fight. We didn't talk for

years. She just emailed me last April telling me that she has cancer and that she's dying and that she was given like six months to live. And she just kind of was like, hey, I thought I should let you know. And if you wanted to have a relationship, like, let me know. So she did put the ball in my cart. It wasn't forced. Not to sound, we believe her for sure. I mean, I don't, or is there a part of you that even wonders?

Part of, well, part of me, I'm sure she's maybe sick, but like, there's just been some kind of like sus things that's happened since she told me. And there's just like things that she's told me throughout my life that make no sense to me, like stuff about my birth dad. So I have to admit, yes, it is really hard for me to 100 believe her yeah listen and this is really about expectations and boundaries not to sound like a brokered record um and like i don't fault you at all because obviously your mom you know she there's a reason why you're not supposed to reach out to to minors uh in this type of situation for the confusion and emotional, like potentially emotional kind of triggering or scar that you could put a minor in

and dealing with this type of how could you possibly expect someone like yourself in that situation to do what's best? And I can only imagine it can be very confusing at any stage in your life, let alone being 16, 17, whatever. I imagine it can be very confusing at any stage in your life, let alone being 16, 17, whatever. Yeah. But it sounds to me like the challenge, you know, you guys are, your mom and you, regardless of who's right or wrong, it's just like, there's a lot of projecting and there's a lot of, I'm sure, like wanting to get things out and regret and all these things. And unfortunately, your mom is putting that on you and that's just not fair. I mean, listen, if you can handle it,

I would encourage you, do what you think is right. At the end of the day, this is a situation that I believe that you just have to truly decide what's best for your mental health and the people around you and your wellbeing. And that's what's most important. As long as you can still try to still be empathetic to the people around you.

But if you have a relationship, if you choose to have a relationship with your mom, you're still going to have to set expectations and boundaries, right? Yeah. And most importantly, it sounds like you just say, you reach out and say, you know, if you feel this way, some version of, I would love to have a relationship with you. Please don't give up, fight, you know or give her, obviously, the empathy and sympathy. And then regardless of her diagnosis, challenge her to fight for herself. But if she does want a relationship with you, it's still...

What she seems to be struggling with is she wants a relationship with you on her terms. Definitely. is she wants a relationship with you on her terms. Definitely. And a relationship of any kind only works when it's on mutual terms of both people. When you are willing to hear someone else, it's like, all right, well, how do you want this relationship? Let me explain to you how I want this relationship.

Let's listen to each other, set expectations, and see if there's a fit there yeah you know uh yeah with family it's tricky because there's a presumed presumed in terms of like well we have to have a relationship with family but even if you're not adopted like in adulthood we have the benefit and luxury to like set boundaries even with people we love the most if they hurt us or they violate you know like the things we need to protect ourselves yeah and so it seems like a boundary you would want to set is let's have a relationship but that relationship means that like really what happened between my my parents or whatever like you like let's just not bring them up. There's nothing to talk about.

And I need you to respect that boundary. If you want a relationship with me, I need you to accept the fact that, well, it might be challenging for you and you don't have to agree with everything they did, but like, I don't want, don't make me compare. I don't want to compare. It's not even comparable.

You know? And so let's just build the relationship between you and I. And I want a relationship to be about us in the present and hopefully whatever future we have left together. But like, I'm not interested in having a relationship with you only to rehash the past, you know? Like who is right or who is wrong? I don't know if it really matters, but I need you to try to empathize with me, your child who didn't have a choice in the matter. Thank you for the life that you gave me. I did not have a choice in terms of

who was going to be my primary caregiver. I didn't have a choice in you deciding to give me up. I am grateful. I had a wonderful childhood with parents who raised me. No parent is perfect. I'm sure they made mistakes, but they did their best. And I am grateful for that. And I'm grateful for you. But if you're going to make me, if our relationship is going to be about making you feel validated or less guilty for you having to give me up, I'm not here to compare you to my parents.

So please don't make me compare you. And that's a boundary that I need you to respect because if you can respect that, then we can have girl talk and we can talk and I would love to hear and I'd love to get to know you more and I'd love to empathize with you more. I'd love to share with you more about my life.

But like I need you to be okay with being a part of my life as I see fit. And whether it's not knowing everything about my life, I need you to respect that. Because these are my terms. And I will respect whatever your boundaries are too. But regardless, you don't get to decide how this relationship is going to play out. We both get to decide how this relationship is going to play out. We both get to decide. I want to, like, whatever boundaries you have, say, I would love to hear what you're okay with. But like, you have to decide if you're willing to respect how I want a relationship.

And you need to respect my privacy. And you need to respect that there are other people in my life I care about whose feelings matter to me too. And I'm not here to prioritize one over the other. I just want to focus on you and I. And if you can do that, I would love to have a relationship with you and give her the whole balls in your core kind of thing. But I would emphasize that what I don't want is a relationship with you only to rehash the past and point fingers and decide who's right or wrong. And just know that I am an adult. And if you're mad at anyone for my choices, be mad at me.

Yeah. You know, if you respect me as a woman, if you respect me as a human being, respect that I am capable of deciding for myself who I allow into my life and who I don't, who I want at my wedding and who I don't. And I understand I might hurt feelings along the way, but like, if you're going to be mad at someone, be mad at me and just talk with me about it. But like you, you know, blaming other people that doesn't get, that doesn't get us closer. I would rather have us work through our own issues and I need you to

speak with me with respect and I need you to be, you know, kind and like, you know kind and just do that. I mean, I honestly wouldn't even point out her text messages about her not taking any accountability and blaming it all on your mom. That's not going to get... Yeah. We've had email conversations and we did have a meetup planned

and then she wasn't feeling good. So she bailed. And then we had a FaceTime visit planned for Facebook Messenger. And then she bailed. But I also had to because my son was in the hospital. But then that's when I saw our old fight again. So that brought up all my emotions.

And clearly, there's some things I still need to deal with. And I brought it up to her, just telling her how I read all this and it made me sad and blah, blah, blah. And she pretty much was like, move on, forget about it. I'm dying. I need all the support and blah, blah, blah. I just told her how I was feeling and then left it because I wanted to talk to you first before seeing how I should continue. And my mom says, yeah, just be the bigger person and move on. And life is short. And I agree, life is short. But then I hear my husband's point of view and my best friend and my sister, and they're like, she literally hasn't taken accountability for any hurt she's caused me

my entire life. No, she hasn't. But you don't need her to, I guess, potentially yeah potentially i mean i'm not here to tell you what you need i guess but it sounds like your mom's hurting sounds like maybe your mom would benefit from therapy she maybe hasn't had the ability to get i don't know why she was in a position to feel like she had to give you up for adoption i'm sure she's been through it yeah i'm sure that comes with a lot of pain and that's not to justify anything she's done but like you're probably not going to get the accountability that you deserve from her totally i do i do agree with that you know uh and so it's it's really just about, especially if her time is limited on this earth, to just, you know, I'm sure, like, there's two ways to look at anything, right? You know, we could look at her text message and be like, oh, wow, this, you know, and two things can be true at the same time.

Your mom seems to be an incredibly selfish person. But where does that selfishness come from? but where's that selfishness come from? Maybe from a place who like desperately just someone who wants a hug, who maybe has felt like, who, who didn't have love and felt alone and is just like, she was also adopted and she's like literally been through a lot. So I definitely think what you're saying is a hundred percent accurate.

So, yeah, I just think it's not going to do you much good to righteously say, well, I know I'm right here because she's selfish and she's not willing to take any accountability for her actions, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Especially if she truly is dying of cancer know, just give her all the love that you can still enforce your boundaries. And, and, you know, I'd give her every chance you're willing to give her to respect a boundary, but you still have to enforce a boundary. You're just like, listen, I'm just, I'm not going to have these types of conversations. I am here whenever you need, whenever, whenever you're

willing to talk about something else, when you want to have a relationship with me about you and I, not bring up anyone else in my life, when you're ready to accept the fact that I might have disappointed you, but either way, I still love you and I am appreciative of you, but let's just focus on what we have. Let's just get to know each other. Let's just talk about what we like and what we dislike. Let's talk about our memories. Let's reminisce about the good times because like i i you did what i accept what you had to do and i have nothing but love for you like 100 you know and just you know as much as you can kill her with kindness but you're probably not going to get what you deserve in terms of accountability from her and my guess is she's just not capable of it yeah yeah i think you're right there's no

point yeah yeah it's like you know you someone with two broken legs and you're just like jump yeah it's your turn to jump yeah it makes sense and i i do fully agree with everything you're saying and i think that i've always done the like the kindness thing because i know what she's been through and i respect her and i always tell her like i'm so thankful for what you did for me um so i'll just keep doing that and hopefully her and i can just move forward with what we do have left. And I'm definitely going to set some boundaries. Yeah.

And maybe that boundary is like, I don't think we should communicate over text. Yeah. You know, because like, you know, people just writing and everyone's emotional and you're just like, ah,

you know, and shit like that. Um, yeah, that's what I would, I would, what I would try to do. And again,

you're never wrong for enforcing a boundary. Even if that boundary is, I can no longer communicate with you right now, but as long as you're okay and comfortable with it, as long as you just keep enforcing the boundary and there, I don't think you can give someone too many chances as long as you are able to enforce the boundary. Because if you can enforce the boundary,

that means you can protect yourself as long as you know what that boundary is. Okay. But if you think you can keep enforcing it, then I don't know if you can give her too many chances. That's just my non-expert take. Yeah, I do. I do think if there was ever another big blowout, that would be it.

Yeah. But I'm willing to give this another chance with healthy boundaries on both our ends yeah and continuing as much as you can try not to do the but you did this yeah no because she just won't receive it in the way she'll just get defensive it's only gonna like unfortunately for you you do really have to be the bigger person and not trying to have her take accountability. I always have. And that sucks. And I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Because I can only imagine the emotional burden that you've been put in, having to have been adopted. But it sounds like

you do have parents who love you. And it sounds like you've had ultimately a pretty healthy childhood. I've had a great childhood. Definitely. So lean on that and just, and have gratitude for that. And I think that will give you the strength to, to be the bigger person with your mom. For sure. Cool.

Thank you so much. My pleasure. This has been awesome. I'm a huge fan of the show. Uh, well, I'm a fan of you. I appreciate you,

uh, taking the time to call in. Thank you so much. I'll give you an update. I would love an update. Awesome. Have a great time to call in. Thank you so much. I'll give you an update. I would love an update. Awesome. Have a great day. You too. Take care. Bye. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Anna. Hi, Anna. How old are you, Anna? 26. How can I help? So I sent in an email. Um, basically I'm with my boyfriend right now. We're together, but something happened, um, about a month ago where I don't, he's just been acting different.

So I don't, I'm not sure if he loves me anymore. Um, so that's where we are now. It's kind of like an awkward transition phase. What happened? So it's a little, it's a long story, but I'll get into it. We're together so far. It's been about eight, nine months. It started off really strong and really intense, almost like love bombing on his end. I was always really cautious and I always am pretty cautious. on his end, um, I was always really cautious and I always am pretty cautious. So just remember like being excited is not love bombing. It's only like when they try to weaponize it and use it against you. Like, for example, like I love you, let's have sex, you know, or I love you, you know, like being excited isn't love bombing. It's, it's just maybe being a little emotionally immature. It's just maybe being a little emotionally immature. Yeah.

So, I mean, it was a lot of excitement. And then he would tell me he loves me pretty much immediately and that he wants to marry me and all these great things. He told his whole family about me and he was very, very excited. And we do have a great bond. Mostly, we get along very well. Like I've had a lot of like long-term relationships in the past and I haven't like felt close to anyone the way I do to him, even after just meeting him. So like I've been with someone prior to him for two years

and I still didn't feel that connection. So it was definitely, it's definitely a very special thing. And then fast forward to what happened. So about a month ago, I don't know what and why he decided to do this, but he found some information about me and about my past that kind of um i mean i i haven't brought it up because it's not something that's easy to talk about um but he basically had found it while i was sleeping um he looked through my phone and then he saw some text messages to my friends and stuff um about some like he went very much back into the past couple of years.

What was that? He went deep? He went deep. Yeah. So he had time on his hands. I was asleep. And then the next morning I woke up and he was just acting very different. So I knew something had gone on.

I asked him about it and he still wasn't saying anything and then eventually he told me what had happened so yeah so he found out some stuff are you able to share what stuff? I can share it so this is years ago

I used to be a sugar baby. So he found that out. And it's not something I'm necessarily like, I'm not proud of it. And I understand like that's okay for some people. But the reason why I did that back in the past was like, I was very vulnerable and very insecure. very vulnerable and very insecure. And that's kind of a hard thing to deal with on his end. And I understand that when you find information like that, it could change the way that you see the person that you're with. And I totally get that. And I felt really awful and I still feel really awful about it. And it's still very hard to talk about. Um, so he found that out and then we had a very long discussion about it and why I did it and like the specifics about it. Like we don't talk about it anymore, but since then he stopped telling me that he loves me. Um, and he's been a lot more detached. So he stopped talking about our future.

And then he stopped talking about like me as part of his future. He's like, oh, I'm thinking about moving here and this and that. And I told him that night after like after we initially had that conversation that he doesn't have to be with me if this really is a big deal. And I understand that. But he says he's very adamant about wanting to stay together. conversation that he doesn't have to be with me if this really is a big deal um and i understand that but he says he's very adamant about wanting to stay together um but i'm not sure like i just like are we starting from scratch like the relationship feels very different because you know and i guess like how old is he uh he's 33 okay uh. Yeah, there's a lot of things about this relationship I hate. Yeah.

Please share. Well, neither of you are – this relationship is not – there's no foundation of trust here on either of your sides. I understand you have something from your past. I understand you have something from your past as, and certainly early on in dating, you, you should be very careful about like opening up about things that you're private about to strangers. Yeah. But I mean, listen, like no judgment, you did it, whatever. Great. Good for you.

You're a sugar baby, you know, like, you know, honest work. But it is something that you recognize that people might struggle with. And I'm assuming in whatever relationship you have that you're going to be in for the rest of your life, I'm assuming you want someone to love you for who you are. I have this line in my book, shameless plug, that your person will accept the path in which they took to find you. Yes. Whatever that is, right? Like you're an imperfect person, so is he. Your choice to do this is not for everybody. And I am confident that there are plenty of people out there that will accept you for who you are and the things you've done in the past.

And while you might've done this, like he's a guy, so not to generalize men, but I'm guessing if you got like his whole like history, he might've done something that might turn you off just as much as this might turn him off. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, and he did share, like, that was a very, the night that we talked about it, he was actually very vulnerable too, and he shared some things that he did that he's not proud of, like in past relationships.

But I don't think, like, what I did was, is completely different. That's the thing, there's nothing to compare. The point is, is that like you did something, whether you aren't proud of it or not, you know, it doesn't really matter. It's just like, you're not responsible for making sure, like, you know, if you were, you'll say you break up. Yeah.

And tomorrow you're single. You're not really responsible tomorrow to ensure that the person you don't even know exists in this world that you might meet three years from now is gonna accept whatever choices you make tomorrow. You have to give people an opportunity to accept you. And that comes with telling the truth. You weren't upfront and honest with someone. I'm guessing you, eventually you went from

this is a person I don't know if I want to tell, to like being in a relationship. And I'm assuming at some point in this relationship, this past was something that you chose to keep from him. Yeah. And while you're not lying, because he never asked, because how was he supposed to be like, were you ever a sugar baby? You know, but like, I, if we're being honest, my guess is you actively, actively chose not to share that. Yeah. And that's a violation of trust. Something that you know that he needed to accept about you to fully accept who you are and where you came from. He violated your trust by going behind your back and going in your messages. And it doesn't just like that you the fact that he found something doesn't justify

anything yeah so now you're both what you know deep down even if you haven't acknowledged it is that neither of you have the right to trust the other person yeah and that's kind of how it feels right now um it just feels shaky like the relationship doesn't feel as secure because now like i don't know what he's thinking. He doesn't know what I'm thinking. It definitely feels off, but I do want to get back to that. Cause when we started, everything was really great. And I do regret not sharing that earlier. It's just kind of like, at what point do you bring something like that?

It's tough. Listen, it's, it's tough to do. I, I, and I empathize and understand why you chose not to. But if it doesn't work out with this guy in the future, you're just going to, you know, just, I think the best thing to do is own it. I truly believe that we are often surprised by sharing our truths with people who want to love us and people who want to like us. People are very gracious and accepting in those moments. And there's this thing about being honest with someone that I think is far stronger than any secret you're about to reveal. And that as hard as it is to hear whatever truth you may have to share, the benefit is knowing, well, at least I know they're honest with me. And so while it's like, oh, I didn't want to hear that, but like that must have been really hard to admit. And if nothing else, I know you're keeping it real because I'm pretty certain that most people, if they had the choice between, listen, your future partner, here's the thing, they're going to have been a sugar baby, man, woman, whatever.

Like, they're going to have done that. But I can guarantee you that unequivocally you'll be able to trust them. Okay, for you to have a partner that you have the benefit of knowing that above all else you have trust. No matter what, you will never have to worry about not trusting them. There's one catch. They've been a sugar baby. I'm guessing most people would like, you know, choose the trust part because there's nothing worse than wondering if you can trust your partner and having to convince yourself that like, okay, no, I mean, I trust them because I'm supposed to, but I don't

really. So just in the future, have that confidence, as difficult as it is, that I truly believe. And if people don't accept it, listen, I know it's easy to get worried, but there are people who get over it. It's 2022. We live in a sex positive world. There's plenty of people who get over it. But I truly believe that the more you give people the opportunity to, to hear your truth, the more they will just be grateful that you were willing to trust them with that truth. Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely a hard thing to talk about. Um, just cause like, I understand it's, it's okay. And it's, you know, we live in a sex positive world, but, um, yeah, when I was doing that, I mean, it's just so different from

what I would do now. Just so. Yeah. And listen, don't, I know, I wouldn't, like, if it doesn't work out with this guy, I don't want to be like, just, this is not a second, third or fourth day conversation. This is like, hey, before we define the relationship, let's, I mean, I'm sure there's things you want to tell me, but there's things I want to tell you. Yeah. And only tell people that you believe have the emotional maturity to be accepting of your mistakes. And you will know in your gut if you can. And if you don't, that tells you something about what you really think about this person. In fact, as far as this specific relationship, I'm actually quite thankful that you guys are no longer talking about your future in the way that you probably did. And my guess is no judgment. It was a little immature

and that kind of playing house and like, well, I don't think it was love bombing. It sounds like there was a lot of like immaturity when it came to like how you guys process your excitement for one another. And I've been there, I've done it. I've done all those crazy things, right? Playing house and talking about your future. And it sounds so fun. You get really excited, but trust me, that doesn't give you like security and confidence. In fact, what it does do is it sets you up for the position you feel now, which is insecure because it's like, whenever you deal with problems, you're like, well, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't like be planning with this person and talking about our kids. And he probably does want to love you, but he's just less reluctant to like talk crazy.

And it's crazy to start like planning your guy's future together when you've been dating for a month yeah but it's something we all have done and most of us do because when we get excited it's it's just fucking fun it is you know yeah it definitely is um i'm wondering too like on his end what do you think is going on in his head and and why does he still want to be with me? It just, cause he's very conservative, which is also why this was extra hard on him and why it was harder for me to tell him. So he's very like, he sees the world in black and white. I mean, you answered your question. He's conservative. He it's like, there's a

difference between wanting to accept something and being able to accept something. It sounds like he has a desire to accept something. He's struggling with it. And again, neither of you have trust in one another, so you have that. So he not only is having to accept the fact that you did this, he's also trying to accept the fact that you weren't upfront about it. Yeah. Right? And you have also the right not to trust him when he snuck by your phone. Yeah. So here's what I think you should do. Step one, I think you just sit down with him and just say, can we just, let's, I love you. I hope you feel the same about me.

Let's recognize that we're struggling here. And just, let's just name it. Yeah. Also, let's just be honest with each other. I think we've been immature with our emotions with one another. I don't think we've been, I don't think we've been good to another when it comes to how we've handled our relationship and our maturity. I think if we're being honest, we like, let's not try to point fingers. Let's just acknowledge that we we've both made mistakes. Yeah. I don't think

right now where there's a lot of trust in our relationship, I should have been more upfront with you about that. And you really violated my trust by going through my phone. Yeah. And in my opinion, and I don't know if you agree, but I feel like it's like you guys, this is really hard to do on your own. And I think couples therapy could serve you guys really well. And if you guys really care about each other, and if you are really, if you really want to prioritize each other, then I think really want to prioritize each other, then I think investing in some couples therapy and getting the help of an expert to like, you guys have a lot of conversations that you guys need to have

and you're going to need a moderator. So to say like, let's not plan about the future. That's silly. But like, I want to prioritize you. I still think there's a lot of, we've hurt each other. We've damaged this relationship, but I still think there's a lot of hope and potential. But hope and potential only gets us so far. And I hope it gets us far enough to like seek out a couples therapist.

I'm willing to do that. I'd love for you to be willing to do the same. If he's willing, I think you guys have a shot. If he's not, I don't think there's much hope for you guys. I don't think either of you right now, no offense, have the emotional maturity to deal with this without letting your ego and getting defensive. It's too much. You guys have dug too deep of a hole and you need a little help to get out of this hole. The therapist is essentially your ladder to get you out of the hole that you need a little help to get out of this hole. Like the therapist is

essentially your ladder to get you out of the hole that you guys have dug. Yeah. I mean, I do see a therapist just for me. Great. That's awesome. And I have mentioned it to, I told her the whole story. So that's been very helpful too. Yeah. But I mean, an individual therapist is very different than a couples therapist. Yeah. You can imagine. Yeah. A couple's therapist is there to help you guys understand the disconnect that you guys are having and get you on the same page. And you're very much disconnected right now. Yeah. We do feel disconnected. We haven't talked about it, but we're just going along our day to day and still having dinner and stuff. And it's been good um we're still having fun um but definitely like he's definitely um settled down a lot when it comes to all the like playing house

which you like to say so uh yeah there's definitely a lot less of that so i'm wondering like i feel like there's a conversation that's left to be like that hasn't happened yet that needs to happen because it still feels a little uncomfortable. Yeah. I think you lead by acknowledging the mistakes you've made in this relationship. It's not up to you to get him to acknowledge it. And again, like maybe he's just not there. Who knows what he's feeling? It sounds like he might be willing to, but like a therapist can help that. But I think, you know, it's essentially, I love you, but we need help. And I love you enough to take ownership of that. And I want to prioritize us by getting the help of a professional because we violated each other's

trust. And that's not fair for either of us. Make it a we thing. Think of we as it relates to the present, not the future. And we need some help to get us to the place we've always talked about getting. Or maybe we'll just accept that maybe we're not there yet, or we won't be. But let's just, let's do our best to make sure that we give this relationship the best possible chance. And trying to be right isn't going to get us there. And maybe we just need some help. And if he's not willing to see a couples therapist, that means he's not willing to prioritize what needs to be done. And if he's not willing to do that, then he might not be capable of accepting who you are. And if he's not willing to accept who you are, then this relationship, I don't think,

has much of a chance. Yeah. I hope it works. Yeah, me too. But either way, you're going to be fine. And just know that hoping it works is nice, but hoping it works doesn't get you where you need to be. Yeah, I've brought it up a couple of times. Well, after we had that first conversation and every time I brought it up, when things are good and okay, he just tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. So I see that he might be hesitant to say that. Him not wanting to talk about it is a sign that he very much needs to talk about it. Yeah. Every time I bring it up, he's like, yeah, let's not get into that right now because we're having a good time and everything's okay right now. Yeah.

And I think you need to stand your ground and say, but we're not though. Yeah. We're ignoring our needs. I feel disconnected. That's not a relationship. That is, that's some sort of like agreement. Yeah. You know, like I, I have fun with a lot of people. I want to, I want to have a connection with you. I want to have trust with you. And we have to recognize that I violated your trust. You violated mine. Let's just name it. Let's own it and let's recover from it. But like avoiding it, you know, it's not going to get anywhere. And I think you need to know now whether you need to find out now whether you're dating someone who's going to be able to tackle tough issues, not just avoid it every time something happens. This won't be the last time if you guys stay together, you're going to both fuck up and need to deal with some tough

shit. So you need to know you're with someone who's willing to do that for you. Yes. Well, thank you. My pleasure. I wish you the best of luck, but I'm really confident about this one. That's what you need to do. Yeah it's i i needed to hear it so i appreciate it uh keep us posted we'll do all right just remember prioritize the boundaries you set over the chemistry you feel okay yeah feeling chemistry and excitement great not a more important than like the boundaries that you have set for yourself because your boundaries are what you need to feel fulfilled and happy and secure and safe in the long term. And if you don't have security and safety and clarity, chemistry is irrelevant. It's just like lust and excitement. But a true

emotional connection comes from having trust and having security. And right now you guys have neither of those. No. So the chemistry doesn't really mean anything. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's strong. Well, and you can get it back, but prioritize that trust.

All right. And set the boundary of, I need someone who's willing to work on the hardships with me. Okay. Okay. Thank you. Take care. Bye. bye thank you how's it going good how are you good what's your name my name's candace i'm 32 how can i help candace i know i know it's gonna sound crazy and i'm aware of that um but i have this little situation i was dating a guy who is currently on a reality tv show

um he filmed it last year you know before i even met him but it's it's just now airing currently um is it the bachelor no can you tell us what show he he did not have a good experience like if someone comes up to him like like, you just see him. He hates it. He hates everything about it. And now that it's airing, you know, each week, it gets worse for him. Like, they're not painting him in the best light. And each week, it just gets worse.

Okay. Now, aside from that, he just moved to a new city. And two weeks after he moved, he started a new job where he's traveling Monday through Friday morning every other week. After not working, like he hasn't had a typical nine to five job in four plus years. So he has a lot going on. Okay. Everything was great. Normal. normal i mean he was like he would send me random gifts he would bring me coffee at work we were pretty much together

he would land friday we'd be together friday saturday sunday as far as i was was aware it was great so then his last trip the same thing i went I went over to his house on Friday. He looked exhausted. He looked awful. And then he's telling me how work was so stressful. He wasn't getting sleep. On top of that, he deleted any form of social media he had because people are not saying the nicest things to him. And he was just over it.

So we get it. It was fine. We watched a movie. We talked. And then he asked me, he's like, what are you doing Sunday? Do you want to hang out and like do fun things? And I was like, okay, sure. We finished the movie.

We were talking. He was telling me how the next day, which was Saturday, he was hanging out with his best friend because his best friend was annoyed with him, how he hadn't seen him in so long because he was either working or he was with me. He walks me to my car at the end of the night. He kisses me, slaps my ass, says, I'll see you Sunday. Okay. Didn't hear from him at all Saturday, which is fine.

He was hanging out with his friend. So then I text him Sunday morning and I asked how was how was his day no response I'm like okay so I wait it's now like 11 12 2 nothing no response Monday I'm like oh you know maybe something happened it's fine he'll reach out he did it so now i'm getting mad because at this point it's been like we've been together for a while you don't just go holly and badin are you have are you guys like have you defined the relationship are you like boyfriend and girlfriend so this was the other thing another part to this story we had decided we were we were going to go week by week so that monday he had texted me he's like i'd like another

week please smiley face that was on monday okay sounds like he doesn't want another week why would you even ask me to hang out sunday not once for twice what i don't know yeah i mean listen i i could guess right i could probably you know but think more importantly, we have to remember that, like, it doesn't really matter. The most important thing is what he did. And that is to, you know, not give you the respect and communication that I feel like you know you deserve. Yeah, but it's just, it's really strange. Because with him, unlike anyone else, we could just talk for hours. Yeah.

Like, no background noise, no nothing. And we both said we've never been able to do that with anyone before. Like normally we'll talk to someone for 10 minutes and we're annoyed and we want them to go away. Yeah. Like that wasn't the case. Yeah. I don't know either. I can guess.

One guess would be he's going through it right now and he's emotionally just like fucked up. through it right now and he's emotionally just like fucked up and he doesn't know how to deal with the with this kind of instant attention that you know whether good or bad is hard and the fact when it's bad it's really bad and not to say he's been disingenuous but i could really guess that like he might not be capable of being honest with himself right now and might be needing you know certain things from people and might be susceptible to using people, not even deliberately, but he probably feels very alone and he's a little fucked up emotionally right now

and he might not be capable of being his best self. And you're investing week to week with someone who's just not capable of being their best self potentially. And that's not to say that everyone who comes off a reality TV show is incapable, but it's certainly a risk for some people. And you just have to accept that like, you know, right now, like this guy is just emotionally going through it. Again, this is I'm just guessing. None of it really matters.

What matters is that he did. just guessing none of it really matters what matters is that he did you trying to wonder why is your ego trying to decide whether it should judge the shit out of yourself or not but it really doesn't matter you know like whether you know because i've been talking a lot lately about like reasons and justifications he has his reasons it's not a justification like because you're right regardless of whatever you went through on a reality tv or whatever he's going through like he's still like mature enough to recognize that like if he doesn't want to communicate with you he should just communicate that if nothing else but he didn't do that right and even though he's going through it the right thing to do would have been to give you that consideration but he didn't do that and that

was a choice he made and we can make a bunch of excuses for him and he can give you reasons. I wouldn't, I don't think it justifies any of that. And yet he did it. And so you have to like, well, maybe it doesn't like reflect who he is overall, or maybe what he would be at his best self, but he's not his best self right now. And when he's not his best self, this is who he is. And the thing about relationships is that we're not always our best self. And I like to measure my ability to have a good and healthy relationship is when their ability to like how they handle themselves and the choices they make when they're not their best self, when they are feeling weak and insecure, and how do they handle that? Do they rely on people they

trust the most, or do they just get really selfish and guarded and and closed off and start and treating people they claim to like the most with disrespect and a lack of consideration he seems to be doing the latter i i know but like i just i know you your ego wants to know why you want to know why why why why why why you're asking why at the wrong time like my friends are like okay so if you get a why then what? You're asking why at the wrong time. Not even that. My friends are like, okay, so if you get a why, then what? Exactly. Because the why is your ego. But honestly, if I got a reasoning, I think I then, I don't know, there's something about him and I just... Well, I mean, that's also like what you were about to say is if I got a why, I might be able to accept why though. still did this do you think he's really justified

explain to me a reason why he was incapable of communicating to you that he might needed a few days to like prioritize himself and he wasn't going to be available he couldn't do that what what would justify it i know he has his reasons, but what would justify it to you? What would make it okay for you to go, okay, well, that makes sense. And going forward, I'm okay with him replicating this behavior. Well, no, I would then want to make it clear to him he can't replicate that. How old is this guy? 37. And you need to communicate to a 37-year-old man this lesson? I mean, if he was 18, I'd be like, all right, fine. Like, you know, I guess you'd have to coach him up.

But he's not. So is that what you want? There's just something. I don't know what it is about him. I really don't. Exactly. That's the point. You don't.

That's because there isn't. Because I've never been able to talk to someone like that before. That's nice. And that's really nice. Yeah. Because I've never been able to talk to someone like that before. That's nice. And that's really nice. There's a lot more to relationship. And that's also not true that you've never been able to talk to someone like that. And just because someone is charming, there's this chapter in my book, prioritize the boundaries you set over the chemistry you feel.

I feel like I just read that to you and it'll just blow your mind. you set over the chemistry you feel. I feel like I just read that to you and it'll just blow your mind. I mean, listen, people who end up on reality TV can be very present and very charming and very good at being charismatic and getting people to like them. I don't know this guy at all,

but his ability for you to feel connected with him doesn't mean you're compatible. And that's the thing, like he hated it. Like- Oh, sure he'm sure it didn't go the way he didn't go the way he wanted to and that's fine i'm just saying like and like again maybe he's a solid guy you know and i empathize with what he's going through and it's tough to be your best self in this situation but he's still not then you have to hold him accountable for how

he's handling himself at his worst and unless you think you can come up with the justification of why he was incapable of communicating to you why he needed some space and needed a few days and why he's like incapable of responding back to you and letting you just sit there and wonder why and call me and go on a podcast and try to like just beg for answers that you think you deserve, then I think you should just accept the fact that he did it. I know. Like I said, I know I sound crazy because again. I mean, you're just human.

I mean, I didn't have other plans, but I could have. But I was waiting to hear what he was doing. Yeah, it's not about plans. It's he has shown. It's rude. It's rude. Yeah. And it's not like the last time he's going to do this.

I mean, you just have to decide whether this is the type of behavior you want in a relationship. You're so quick to be like, well, we have so great chemistry. Like, oh my God, there's all these reasons. And like, you will just hang on to that. Why aren't you hanging on to why he did this? I mean, I keep just, I know he has a lot going on, but that shouldn't matter. We all have a lot going on. I know. You don't have a lot going on, but that shouldn't matter. We all have a lot going on. I know. You don't have a lot going on? Do you want a partner who's only good to you when they have nothing better to do?

Do you want a partner who's only capable of giving you the respect you deserve when they're not stressed or not busy and don't have other responsibilities and priorities? Yeah. or not busy and don't have other like responsibilities and priorities yeah but honestly it was like a light switch because it was not like that okay so he is someone who was overnight yeah so he's someone who can surprise you with his behavior overnight if he calls you up and says my dad died then yeah maybe that's a justification. Even then I probably could have sent a message. Well, like short of some tragic death that he's dealing with, I can't think of an excuse that would make me feel comfortable saying this is the type of behavior I want to have in a relationship. And listen, I'm not saying if he finally reaches out that you can't talk to him, but I just think all I'm saying is I think you should prioritize what he's doing now as much

as you want to prioritize your conversations and your chemistry that you feel with him because you are choosing which ones to prioritize and i think they're both important and the fact that you are putting one weight over one over the other is this you setting yourself up for further disappointment down the road because eventually you'll just get sick of it. Eventually you won't be able to keep making excuses. And you're getting a bunch of information right now about him and his potential as a partner that you are choosing to ignore or you're wanting to figure out how you can ignore it. What are your thoughts on reaching out or texting him something?

Sure. I mean, yeah, at this point, like if you want to get answers, just for some, reach out. I mean, there's no point in playing the game here. Oh, I hope you're okay. But I wouldn't beg. Reach out. Oh, no. What would I say? Just ask the questions you feel you're entitled to. There's no trick. You know what I'm saying? you're entitled to. There's no trick. There's no, you know what I'm saying? There's no, you are, stop being afraid to like find out the truth about who he is as a person. You're conveniently like selecting the things that you want. It's like, oh, he does this. I like that. He does that. Ooh, that's good too. And ooh, I really like that about him. So I want to, oh, I'm really going to focus on that. The things I don't like, yeah, I don't know. There's probably

a reason why. I'm just going to ignore it. I'm not going to bring it up. I'm not going to talk to him about it. But right now you are kind of stubbornly, you're, yeah, you're cherry picking his characteristics that he's showing you. And while I empathize that he's going through it right now, this is how he handles himself when he's at his lowest. And that's why some people when they're lowest

or, you know, should have the emotion of maturity to be like, I probably shouldn't date right now. I should probably take some time for myself. I should probably heal, you know, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But like, he's all, he's a 37 year old man. His ability to drastically change is, is, is getting smaller and smaller by the day. I know. I just, I keep going back and forth between saying nothing. Cause you know, well, you let like letting you needing answers is your ego. I don't know if I want answers or if I just want him, you want answers. You want to understand why he did this. Cause you want to forgive him because you want to prioritize all the things you like about him over the things you don't like

about him. And you are giving him the the things you don't like about him. And you are giving him the benefit of the doubt and hoping that he can come up with an excuse that makes you go, oh, that makes sense. I can forgive you. Let's keep hanging out. You're right. But that's just setting yourself up for major disappointment on the road. It's true. Crazy, I guess. It's a bummer, yeah.'re gonna be fine you're like you're gonna you're gonna connect it was literally it was literally like a light switch it probably wasn't

as much of a light switch as it might feel my guess is after time passes you reflect back and notice some other red flags he probably showed you and again like i i he's going through it right now and i really empathize with him. And the next time you meet someone who you recognize is in an emotionally just dark place, they might not be, like you're trying to start a relationship with a guy when he's just trying to survive.

And right now, I understand why he's being selfish, but he's still being selfish and you don't have a foundation with him to prioritize you. But I think maybe you just accepting that you got caught up with someone who just was going through it and just accept that maybe you just have to let go a little bit and accept that he made this choice and then go from there. And just bring you a little bit more peace. I just wouldn't be so willing to try to figure out a way to forgive him. Like when we cherry pick the characteristics that people show us,

it really just, again, like it just sets us up for disappointment. It's true. And, you know, those are your choices that, you know, down the line, you're going to want to blame him for i know it's a bummer i and i'm sorry i know you're excited and it's a bummer yeah no i

mean it's it's just it is a bummer i mean it's definitely you know it's disappointing and i go back and forth between being angry and wanting to let that be known i mean yeah if you want to reach out let me know you're angry do that get it out express yourself yeah i just don't be looking for answers to forgive them okay all Well, keep us posted. I'd love to know what happens. Okay, I will. All right. Thank you. I'm sorry you're going through it.

That's okay. It's better to happen now than, you know. There you go. In three months, right? 100%. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye.

Bye-bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatcastme.com cast with a K. Go to vilefiles.com to check out Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday. Tino on Thursday. We'll see you back on Wednesday recapping Bachelor in Paradise. I hope you have a great day.

Alright, everyone. If you're hearing this, I need your help right now. Between October 11th and the 13th, you can vote for The Vow Files for Pop Podcast of 2022 for the People's Choice Awards. This award means a lot to me. I want to be able to share it with all of you. I love you guys. And me, Allie, and Amanda would be super grateful if you take the time to vote for The Vow Files over the next three days. You can vote 25 times a day. So I know a lot of you listen to I love you guys. And me, Allie, and Amanda would be super grateful if you take the time to vote for the follow files over the next three days. You can vote 25 times a day. So I know a lot of you listen to the show and talk about the show with your friends.

Tell your friends, let's all get together. Let's win this for all of us. I'm super excited. I can't wait to hopefully share this with you. So I hope you guys take the time. Link to register will be in the show bios. I'll put it on my social as well. I know it takes a few clicks and a little bit of your time. So I really appreciate you guys doing it again, 25 times a day over the next three

days. I love you all. I hope we win this together and I can't wait to share it with you. Enjoy.