The Viall Files - E49 Ask Nick - Swingers Gotta Swing

Episode Date: October 7, 2019

Listeners call in and ask Nick questions about sex and dating! But first, Nick dishes about what it was like to be a cartoon on Family Guy and meeting Demi Lovato at Dancing with the Stars. We talk to someone who feels bad about not being attracted to a great guy, a swinger who is struggling with online dating, the fiancé of a veteran, and someone who feels she is too overweight for love. Stop protecting temporary relationships! Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: HONEY: https://www.joinhoney.com/viall  BETTERHELP: http://betterhelp.com/viall BOMBAS: https://bombas.com/pages/viall CODE: VIALL See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is up everybody welcome to another episode of vile files yeah you're enjoying your monday people are liking these ass nick episodes are they? Yeah. I stopped paying attention. Are we getting more and more listeners? I think so. Great. Great. Well, thanks, guys. Hopefully we don't fuck it up going forward.

It's a lot of pressure. Do you feel a lot of pressure? Sometimes. Do you feel pressure ever? I mean, for me and my personality when when i'm passionate about something i enjoy it i want to protect it more and i do have that tendency to squeeze uh until it's dead until i kill it um and so uh yeah i do i i i've you know quite honestly i've enjoyed this show and Viapals and it's been fun to grow and I really appreciate our

audience listening and it's I was in New York not too long ago and I was actually switching hotels and I really love when I'm in New York the subway I really do I feel like a New Yorker it's also this

a more efficient way. It's more affordable. It's faster. Yeah. But I had like my full suitcase. I'm like, fuck it. I'll just take the subway. You know, sometimes if I'm like have a suitcase, I like I'll Uber because it's.

Right. Right. Right. Yeah. I have a suitcase. Anyways, I was like struggling getting through my suitcase through the gate. And as I'm there, there's this girl walked up, took her headphones out. And she's like, I'm literally listening to your podcast right now.

Oh, my God. And it was a nice feeling. That's so cute. It was fun and cool. And there's plenty of people who come up and mention that they listen to the podcast and enjoy it. And I do like that. That's really cute. It's fun and exciting.

And it's been a fun show. So I want to make sure that we continue to deliver high quality content for the people listening. We continue to deliver high quality content for the people listening. I will tell everyone Nick came in today and winked at me and said, see me on Family Guy. Yeah. Did I wink? You did. Was it sexual? No, it was like, I'm cool.

I felt very cool. You do. I'm on Family Guy. What was it like recording for it? It was much fast. It was very quick. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was like fast it was very very quick yeah yeah i mean it was like i had a few lines did you meet seth mcfarland i did not meet oh bummer and or brian krastin who was in the scene with me so i didn't even know he was going to be in it with me until

i saw it but that's i can still say i was in a scene with brian i guess you can uh i had a few lines went in there um and we read it a bunch of different times and hung out and it's just a fun fun time but has any other bachelor person been on no oh no nor why well corinne's kind of been on you met because i mentioned her name and vanessa yeah oh yeah but i am a cartoon character that's so so cool. Cartoon character and family guy. It was a lot of fun. Did you like how they depicted you? Sure.

I don't know. The guy with the beard could have been Nick S you know? Yeah. It could have been a lot of people. Could have been a lot of people, but still it was me. You were at dancing with the stars last night. I saw on Instagram.

I was with my good friend Demi and rumor. Did Demi invite you? Did Hannah? Well, I was with my good friend Demi and Rumor. Did Demi invite you? Or did Hannah? Well, I was, yeah, I was in Hannah's group. Oh, nice. As far as Hannah's fan base. Who's killing it?

Yeah. I'm enjoying it. Yeah. Do you have any more things to dish about Dancing with the Stars? Sorry, I just like when you talk about it.

I had a chance to meet Demi Lovato. You did? Yeah, she was part of Hannah's group. She's a Hannah Stan. Very lovely, very nice person. Is she dating Mike? I didn't ask her or talk to her about that.

We were watching Dancing with the Stars. Yes, yes, yes. And there was more comment about the dancers. But in the very short, brief interaction I had with her, what a lovely person. Yeah, he's awesome. Great energy. Big Bachelor fan. Yeah, great. She just had really fun energy. Oh, that's neat. Yeah, you know? brief interaction i had with her what a lovely person yeah he's awesome great energy big bachelor

fan yeah great she just had really fun energy i really yeah you know um it's always funny when you meet people there was another celebrity there that i have been a fan of and i didn't talk with her and i didn't interact but i won't even bring up them up but it was like their presence across seemed surprisingly different they were more demure and reserved and they seem like such a bubbly person in their public life. Yes. That was my presumption.

Not good or bad, just different. Yeah. And Demi Lovato was a delightfully fun, just very welcoming person. Nice. That's awesome. Lovely, had a lot of fun. Did you go out after?

We did. We went salsa dancing. Uh, well, uh, me, me, rumor,

Demi, Hannah showed up and a bunch of the dancing with the stars cast. We went salsa dancing. Oh my gosh. That's so fun. Fun. Oh, not a great time.

Living your best life, Nick. Yeah, I really am. It's, uh, it's really going great. Um,

I'm doing fine. Well, let's get to these questions. Yeah. I think you will enjoy them. Again, don't forget to send in your questions at asknick at castmedia.com. Yeah. We talked to a swinger today.

We talked to a swinger. That was a highlight for me. You're really into this. I don't know. I just like learning about things. Do you think you could be into it for me. You're really into this. I don't know. I just like learning about things. Do you think you could be into it? Never. I could never, ever.

I don't believe you. No, I get too jealous. If I'm into someone, I'm into them. I don't need extra. I'm fine with the meal. I don't need the sides. It's a day full of analogies. All right. Well well here we go

how's it going good Good. How are you? I'm great. What's your name? My name's Rebecca and I'm 26 years old. Rebecca, 26 years old. How can we help you, Rebecca? So I've been friends with this guy for about a year now. And it's really good. for get along super well um so it's just kind of getting to the point now where i'm like okay we're very compatible is

this someone i want to date um every time it kind of gets close to that i kind of i guess push away and have all these reservations and then so when you say you're friends you're not really friends you're like what do you mean friends um well we hang out a lot um sometimes by ourselves sometimes in group settings he's just someone i can go to for advice. We talk a lot about everything. So when you say you can go to him for advice, do you go to him for advice about other boys you're interested in? Yeah, sometimes I have. I mean, he usually gives me advice.

I don't think he likes to, but he does. He's a really good friend. He's always been there for me. It sounds like this friend has expressed to you that he wants to maybe date? He has, yeah. In the beginning when we first became friends, he did, and I kind of said, no, I'm not ready. And then just throughout our friendship,

he hasn't really said no. Like, I don't, I just don't see it. And I've always been really honest with him. And then I started seeing other guys here and there. Always went back to him, though. I think I just really, everything about him I really like. But I just, I don't know why i can't date him i don't know i i thought about it a lot and i wish i could but i just have all these reservations i don't know why i i have guys like this in my life too that's why i picked

this question what do you mean you you have a bunch of guys that are great. Great. And I'm like, ugh. Are you sexually attracted to him? Well, I don't know. That's the thing. Like, I find him attractive, but we've never been physical. We've never, I don't know. And some of my friends are just like, well, just go for it. Just try it. And I'm like, I can't.

Like, I literally can't. It freaks me out. I don't have that problem with anybody else, but I just, with him, it scares me so much. I don't know why. If you were to, when you first met him, like, what was the thought? Was it just like, oh, here's some guy I'm not interested in,

or was it like, oh, that's a cute guy, and then you just kind of became friends? We actually met through my ex he was friends with my ex so when i first met him it wasn't really a thought in my head and then when my ex and i broke up then we kind of just became friends and i've i've always thought he was fine and attractive but it was never i never really started a friendship friendship with the idea of dating him. That was just never the plan I thought in my head. And at this point, you're just kind of like, do you feel as though he is at the end of his rope, so to speak?

Like, what's the urgency that you're having right now about figuring it out? I just feel like I'm wasting both of our times just because I'm so back and forth in my head and i think i think i don't want to lead him on and at this point i feel like by being his friend it's almost like leading him on in a way because how old is he he's um, same age as me. So same age. Have you guys hooked up? Yes. No, never. Like nothing.

No kissing or anything? No, no. Like I think a hug at the most. And so you just want to know, you want me to tell you what to do or something? Yeah. I feel like if, I don't know, at this point after a year if there's nothing is it time to just move on and you know like and i feel like if we do date um it will either ruin our friendship

if it doesn't work out or it will just go really really well well i think first you should start being honest with yourself about uh this isn't like a a friend like this isn't a the type of friendship you have like i'm sure other friends in your life that you know through thick or thin you're going to be there for each other like this is a relationship and it's certainly a friendship but i feel like you're trying to preserve a friendship that most likely is going to fade one way or the other. And it's going to end either, you know, if it does end, if you don't date, most likely, it's most likely going to end because either you or him or both are going to meet other people.

And then the needs that you fill in each other's lives will no longer be required. Rochelle, I got a question for you. Like, when this comes up for you I mean it's I guess it's like I'm like okay I've been single for so long there's nice guys that like me but I don't like them I'm like is it am I like what is it though I mean I I guess I have it in my life for me it's very much a physical like I i haven't been in a situation that you two have been in and since like early off the bat if i meet someone and i find them cool and i'm fun to hang out with and it's just for whatever reason not there it's just there's no confusion on my part

it's just i there's a friend zone situation yeah i've uh i've i've dated women where we've been intimate and then we like it it didn't work out. And then we reconnected just as friends. And it's very, and again, but there's no confusion. I've never been in a situation where like, well, should I date them? I've never had that before. I wonder if that's because you have so many other options. I don't know.

I don't know. Rebecca, you have options. Yeah. Well, and I've seen, like I've gone out with other guys during the year and then i always end it and go back to my friends so i'm just like is there something more that i'm like always drawn back to him um i mean that's something you need to to figure out right i mean i guess you just need to be careful and trying to figure out is is this someone that I really want to date and have that passion and chemistry with? And whatever it is that you're looking for, does he have it?

Or am I just very comfortable with him and safe and he's always there? And then when I go and try to find something better than him and I don't, then he's always kind of conveniently waiting for me. Yeah. And he just might be a great, your best, I don't want to say best option, but he might be a great guy and a great boyfriend. The point,

I guess what I'm trying to say is, listen, the only answer I have for you is, like, you just need to make a decision. I think you should not try to preserve a friendship that ultimately is going to end most likely is my guess assuming you guys don't connect romantically he wants to date you he likes you he's got feelings for you

as friends you guys are feeling roles with each other kind of like to your point when you said well i'll date this other guy and and it won't out. And then I'll go back to the other friend. Again, when you say that, like, if it was, you know, simultaneously, simultaneously, like you could date this guy, but still do whatever it is you went with this guy. And maybe you, I'm sure, hang out with it and talk to him. But I'm assuming, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that when you have another guy in your life, the amount of time you spend with the friend decreases. And when you remove that person from your life, it kind of increases and goes back. So you're basically filling each other's, you're filling voids.

You're filling time, the companionship of that you have minus the sex, right? Because in a dating relationship, you certainly have a physical relationship with the person you're dating most likely. But that's a small part of a relationship, you know. So the movies and going out and hanging out and talking and giving coffee and dinner and all these other things, it's having something to do with someone. He's filling that role. And so that's where you are being selfish in a sense because you are kind of hanging on to that thing. It's not the end of the world. We all do that.

But don't hold on to something and save something that's not there. So if you want to figure it out, then you should date him. Is she preventing him from finding someone? Maybe. I don't know. I mean, he's also an adult too. They haven't had a physical relationship. So it's kind of like, I don't know. I mean, he's also an adult, too. They haven't had a physical relationship. So it's kind of like, I don't know. Maybe you're holding back in terms of, I hope what you're not doing is being jealous and kind of being passive aggressive to him if he starts hanging out with other women and making him feel bad about that.

I hope you're not doing that. No, not at all. No. I want him to be happy for sure. And I've always said, like, if you find someone else, then, like, you know, you're going to spend more time with them. I get it. And, yeah, it's just kind of like if there hasn't been any physical connection in a year, like, is there still hope for that? Like, could that come still?

I don't know. Like, i feel like i mean is either there or it's not i mean i i you're are you i can't i can't tell are you not remotely physically attracted to him and but you just think he's a nice guy like i think he's attractive and i love like around him, but I just can't imagine going to the next, getting physical. I don't know. In what way? Did you feel the same way, Rochelle? Yeah.

And I guess here's where my confusion is because I can relate to that feeling, but that feeling I know off the bat, I'm like, they're beautiful women. I'm just not there. I don't want to have the physical chemistry. There's no confusion. I guess I can't tell with you two is. Maybe we've been watching too many rom-coms where it's like, he's been right in front of me the whole time. Like Blake did with Christina where you're like, oh, you're here. And that was really awkward and creepy.

Do you find them like do you like do you think there's a place where you could like want to find them sexy and attractive and rip his clothes off and you know and vice versa i don't know i mean i honestly don't know if that's different with women if you guys can you know guys seem to be more black and white it's more mental with women it's more of a i don't know it's in our head almost um listen i i don't have like my only advice really is is you know don't waste make don't make excuses and waste a lot of time again trying to protect a friendship that is this is a friendship assuming you guys don't date romantically and get married and have kids this guy will eventually not be in your life.

I can confidently say that. You're going to meet someone. He's going to meet someone. You'll just fade away. You know, this is not your, like, elementary school friend that, you know, your best pals. You guys are kind of using each other for that companionship. So figure it out. But, you know, maybe you are at the point or don't. I mean, as long as you're on the same page, if you have been honest with him about like, I don't want

this and you do talk to him about other guys and you don't confuse him and you don't lead him on and he's willing to hang out with you, you guys can kind of keep doing what you're doing until you meet other people. That's an option. But yeah, I mean, I don't know. I just, my guess is maybe you're just like, kind of like Rochelle. It's, you're maybe a little bored and lonely

and he seems like a pretty nice guy. And he's like, you're there. So why don't I just date you? If it's going to work you kind of have to go for it yeah i i think you're right like don't second guess if you don't have the feelings if you yeah if you don't have the feelings and if you think maybe there's something there i mean everyone's different we do have a way of pushing people away what i when i'm i guess what i'm saying this is not going to like change overnight you're not going to wake up one day and like in a rom-com way, see them in a different light, you know, you're going to have to say, you know what, let's go for it. But just so you know,

like if it doesn't work out, it's going to change things. Right. Yeah. And so kind of just go for it and, you know, ask them out or, you know, make out with them. It might be a little awkward. And that's the thing. If you do go for it, there's going to him out or you know make out with him it might be a little awkward and that's the thing if you do go for it uh there's going to be some awkwardness at first you know um he's going to be nervous and he's not going to know what to do and you're going to be nervous and maybe you guys need to get drunk and have some sex i don't know but at the same time yeah don't uh don, you know, think about are you getting anxious? Are you getting bored? You know, again, he's not, you're not hanging out with him as much when you have other guys in your life.

And so if you are just doing that because he's the one constant. And also keep in mind, he also is kind of, it seems like maybe, I'm sure he's a great guy, but he might seem almost slightly better because there are no stakes, right? Because he has the ability to just be the friend and he's always available. And he's just kind of like, yeah, when you're done hanging out with another guy, you know, I'm here. And it seems really nice and sweet. That might change when he feels a little bit more in control. Because right now he has no control. If you were to eventually date, I guess is what I'm saying,

and then all of a sudden you're on an even playing field, and he's like, oh, this is my girlfriend, and you're my boyfriend. All of a sudden, like, he might, you might see different sides. I'm not saying he's, like, going to be a bad guy, but, like, you won't really know that until you figure it out. So kind of like, are you physically attracted to him like you know do you want to be with him if if not that's okay you know just just because he's a nice guy doesn't mean he's uh your guy or that you should date him and you are only 26 um

you know um yeah i get it and like there there are women in my life who i've thought to myself even like um women i think are physically attracted or i've had uh relationships with and i'll be less like what the fuck is my problem what's wrong with me yeah that's what i always think um and maybe there is a little bit of uh you know again when people settle they settle for different reasons i mean when i say i don't mean settle like you're but like settle down you know yeah um sometimes we can be too picky and sometimes we are looking for too perfect and we're looking for that kind of rom-com type of relationship i mean maybe you know quality companionship and the ability to spend time with someone is of value.

That's something we shouldn't discount. But you can't control who you are attracted to and who you really has a magnetic attraction to. Sometimes that magnetic attraction is ultimately combustible and it's just really fun at first and it explodes in your face after like a couple couple weeks you don't know anything about that i don't know anything about that but that that is all our journey right but um so you'll have to figure that out and you know i guess my advice take some risks figure it out you know or keep doing you're doing but stop then stop then accept that it is accept what it is right then yeah just be like yeah we're going to be friends until we're not um but this whole like well i don't want to sacrifice this friendship this is a very temporary friendship uh it could be a year from now it could

be four years from now but eventually it'll end so um so hopefully that was helpful um yeah yeah so much yeah just just be up front with them uh don't be confusing sure don't lead them on don't be passive aggressive don't be jealous um these are all things that we sometimes tend to do when we're in these kind of awkward relationships um my advice to him if he were listening is he should really actively try to meet someone else and because the truth is you may never really know how you feel until you don't have them anymore and that's kind of yeah classic um you know i don't know i mean part of me says go for it you know i can't i honestly truly can't get a read on you and like what like if you aren't physically physically attracted or you just got so used to calling him your friend I don't really know but uh

a drunken make out and then call us back yeah all right is it so like I mean it's tough you can make out with them I mean I don't know how obsessed he is with you but um it's not that weird to make out with someone uh that's that's you know you find fairly attractive you know yeah for sure look she's about to she's like grossed out even thinking about it are you picturing him naked right now no i mean i i don't know it's my feet aggressive but like next time you have fun with yourself think about him and see what that's like

I mean I don't know you seem to have this like mental roadblock of physicality you know but that's something then don't discount that like don't be like well I guess he's nice so I guess I should date him so yeah alright alright thanks so much best of luck bye

so you're never tempted like with your friends you're never like oh we're get along we're so great together there are definitely some women in my life and it's just like why don't you like yeah right you know and the truth is i feel like that about you some of these some of these women are beautiful some i mean you know um successful i don't know i don't yeah yeah i mean listen that that is a it's a hard one there's no concrete answer there's no like i like a guy but i don't know i mean it that it is harder for me to answer because that kind of is my dating life. Yeah. You don't struggle with it as much as like.

Well, I guess, yes. I don't spend a lot of time being like, well, I guess maybe should I or not? I just, I don't really kind of muddle those waters. For the women that I've, have been intimate with and we just became friends, there's like definitely a definitive line drawn and there's not,

we don't, there's no, we don't even, it's not like we go to the movies and hold hands. Like there's none of that. Simplify your life, man. They're just friends. Yeah.

And so if I have friends that like, we become friends and then we haven't hooked up and there's early sexual tension, I'm pretty good about like dismissing that. Yeah. Or not dismissing it, but shutting it down. Yeah. But sometimes they are these people

where I'm just like, well, what is my problem? It's definitely me. Perfect woman. I don't know. I mean, the, I guess we'll never know. It becomes,

I, times have changed. I think it is because it, that's the downside of, of technology and their culture of having these options. I think you, you felt that i think everyone felt differently before yeah um you know 15 20 years ago and there's pros and cons to it

i mean definitely people got married uh years ago because of like proxidomy proxidomy proximity can i talk proximity is it proximity yeah proximity and time you know it's just like oh i'm 23 and you're here so let's get married and then like at 29 we're like we're two different people and i hate you right um you know sometimes and now people are like well i'm 23 and you seem fine and i'm gonna wait to get married right and you kind of become a different person and then you settle down and that person might have a chance to be a better match. It can vary

but then you can get a little more like, well, you're nice and you're cool and I don't know if I could take a little bit

from each of you and that would be great and then you're fucked. You want to concoct your ideal woman in the lab? I think we all are trying to make

that boyfriend or girlfriend perfect cocktail. Aren't we all are trying to make that boyfriend or girlfriend perfect cocktail. Aren't we all? All righty. What is up? How can we help you? Hi, my name is Alex. I am 27 years old.

And about two years ago, I made the decision and I started swinging. And when I did that, I was a single woman. So it was a lot of me meeting couples or other single men in the lifestyle for pretty much just sex. And I eventually met a guy and we had a really great connection. And we dated for about eight months in the lifestyle. So for me, that kind of looks like sexual non-monogamy. We don't date other people. We don't have like emotions or connections with other people. It's all we just sleep with other people. We broke up. We dated for about nine months. And I've recently kind of started dating again, redownloaded Tinder. And my question is, how and when do I tell men that swinging or sexual non-monogamy is something I am interested in? Great question.

So, so help me understand a little bit and maybe the people listening give a little more specifics on how this kind of started for you and why you like this kind of dating lifestyle. Yeah. So I got out of a really traumatic relationship a couple of years ago and I was just mental health in a really bad place. I was really down on myself. I didn't feel like I had any control over like my sexual autonomy. And I have friends who are married in the lifestyle or dating in the lifestyle. And they said, you know, why don't you just come check it out? Um, because you'll, you'll feel a lot more in control of, of who you are and they have clubs that you can go to, which is all for free. Um, so I went there and i really liked it i

liked the open aspect of it i liked that everyone was communicative and i really liked that there was the opportunity to sort of explore sexually the things that you want without feeling like you have to not be attached to another person emotionally okay and you dated someone in this kind of lifestyle as you say swinging i did yeah for about nine months okay and as far as uh the relationship that you had in the swinging aspect uh how did that you know that was fine it worked well you guys i mean how did that well did did that start when you were with him as a couple? So we met within the lifestyle. And so when we first met, it was just very casual and it was just sex.

And then we started hanging out more and more and things got serious. And we decided we actually cared about each other's well-being. And so we developed that emotional relationship along with the swinging relationship we'd always had. Interesting. What's the difference between swinging and just dating in today's? I feel like people just sleep with a lot of people when they're dating. Well, I mean, good question. Alex, do you want to answer Rochelle's question? I think the difference is the communication aspect of it when i meet people in the swinging community i know that either the

men are married or they're attached to another woman or i know that this woman is attached to another man but you were single there were no other people like you? Just single people floating around? There are. There definitely are. But it's a lot more common for women to be single than for men to be single in the lifestyle. Mostly because I feel like the men aren't allowed at the parties single, right? They are not. They're not allowed?

My understanding. They can go to the club but only like until a certain time and then they won't let single men in anymore oh like there's these exclusive parties that you like have to be approved to go oh and like single women so many men would want to come i'd be like i mean that's my guess well what's the difference between swinging and polyamory so that's the big difference for me is polyamory is dating multiple people so you'll have emotional connections and you'll date or be in relationships with multiple people you have like movie night with three different people in a week right it's like how many birthdays do i have to remember that sounds exhausting i'm'm with Alex on this one. And then swinging's just that.

What's the difference between swinging and, like, just having an open relationship? Like, you know, you're not necessarily, because, like, correct me, I don't, the swinging lifestyle, as you say, it's like you're interacting with other people with similar sexual appetite and you're going to these parties and there's some swapping going on, so to speak, from time to time versus like an open relationship where you guys are open to the fact that you are sometimes sexually intimate with other people but kind of always coming back to each other. Like, is there a difference there

or how does that work? It's very similar. I think swinging really just has the added aspect of the community whereas people in open relationships everyone has their own roles every couple is different um but in the swinging community there is there are websites and there are dating apps and there are clubs and parties and things within that lifestyle that i don't think necessarily comes with just an open relationship. Like you want that community of people. Interesting. And so my guess is, correct me if I'm wrong, is that, I mean, cause like the obvious answer is, well,

find someone who's in that community and then you don't have to have that conversation. But also since single men aren't usually allowed into these communities, it seems probably harder to find than you would think. Is that correct? The pool is limited. Yeah. So you basically have to recruit. Yeah. Have you have any experience?

I mean, in terms of your current dating life, have you, I mean, before I like start like throwing out different ideas, have you tried this? Has this conversation come up? How has it gone? Are you just like, you're asking me before you even dip your toe in the water? So I've tried a couple of different strategies, none to any great success. So I've tried, I'm a very open, communicative communicative honest person i like to be that way from the beginning i've tried kind of telling them up front um and their immediate reaction is oh great you're really easy so i don't have to actually talk to you or make you feel comfortable you're gonna sleep with me no matter what they just think you're a sexual freak oh right yeah i mean i can i can see how that could happen yeah

um and i've also sort of tried broaching it more slowly with men so i um have a date this friday and i was talking to the man and we were talking about sex and i made a comment about bringing toys into the bedroom and and he's like, oh, you're really kinky. I don't know about that. And I was kind of like, well, tip of the iceberg, my man. But you haven't met him yet? No. Why are you talking about sex so quickly with these people?

I mean, I understand, listen, you have a strong sexual appetite, tip of the iceberg, all these things. But, you know, why are you still in such a rush to do that? I think because I'm worried that I will not address it quickly and I will form, like I'll start to have feelings for someone. Like I'll start to have feelings for someone only to have them not share like that same sense of sexual adventure and then be disappointed down the road. Are you open to the possibility of depending on who this person is or if you meet someone and really liking someone of giving up this lifestyle? I mean, is this like a non-starter for you in terms of like, some people want kids, some people want to live in a certain city you need to swing, or is it kind of like you're open to it? I think I'm definitely open to whatever was the right person. I think I'm not quite done exploring it right now. Um, but I, I'm certain that down the road I'm open to any other types of relationships.

But I do want someone who's more sexually adventurous than just missionary every day and night. I get it, right? So I guess my advice to you is try not to all figure it out at once. It's such a unique

situation. As someone who's a woman and involved in this community, sounds like you can explore this kind of community and the type of sex that you want as a single woman. So like, keep doing that while you're still looking for love. looking for love. And again, just be honest with yourself about how important it is in your life. Are you open to it? Are you open to giving it up at some point? Are you open to really liking a guy who is sexually adventurous and likes to push certain limits but not open to that would you be willing to be in a monogamous relationship with that monogamous relationship with that person you know you'll have to decide for yourself in the meantime while you're dating yeah i i think what i don't need i don't think you need to be in a rush to to figure out how uh how flexible they are and the thing about guys too is like

we are kind of simple and dumb and easily triggered when it comes to sex like uh you know i've i've hung out with parties and you know girls you know especially if i've interacted with people where anytime someone has like a kind a kind of a sexual breakthrough, like maybe some girl tried a three for threesome for the first time, you know, and then she gets a little drunk. She starts talking about it at a party. And any guy who's listening to this story is kind of like,

thanks. Ooh, I wonder if I could have a threesome with her, you know, like we're, we're men and we just, we hear a certain thing, whether we're into it or not,

or we just find it exciting is we it's yeah, it's going to kind of trigger us hear a certain thing, whether we're into it or not, or we just find it exciting. It's going to kind of trigger us in a certain way. And it's going to be harder for you to really have the type of conversation that you really want to with them, especially for something you don't have a rapport with. You haven't even met certain guys. And even if you had met a guy and you've been on a date or two, get to know them. If you really pay attention you can figure out how open-minded they are as individuals uh listen open-minded people tend to be open-minded about lots of things right uh people who are closed off people who are tend

to be more conservative and traditional are going to be conservative and traditional about all things, including their sexuality. So you can figure out early on people's personalities about how open-minded and adventurous they might be without figuring out about talking specifically about sex or sex toys or things like that. And in getting into the weeds of conversations with men, where you're just going to kind of trigger the conversation and they're going to like you're going to feel like they're kind of obsessively talking about you know uh the the swinger life or whatever and like you're going to feel like i feel like i'm not getting to know this guy because now he's kind of i i he doesn't seem to be able to talk to me about this uh you get what i'm saying i assume that you probably have brought this up with men and then as soon as you bring it up the conversations just kind of get weird because they almost don't know how to ask these questions or they're confused or they're it's exciting but they seem to be like like as you

said thinking it's all about like well let's let's have sex right now let's get freaky right now and you're thinking about no I want to get to know you as a person and I want to see if I want to date you and maybe even fall in love with you but also by the way i'm very non-traditional in the bedroom um and that is you know harder for you know i guess anyone especially guys who aren't used to that who've never thought about that but maybe find it exciting you know they've probably certainly watched some sort of porn you know know, where it has that. And all of a sudden they meet some girl in real life who's into that. And they're just mind just, just goes into all sorts of places. So I think, yeah, you'd need to, um, not be in a rush to do that. Um, if, if that makes sense, um, the fear you have about, oh,

well, you know, I don't know if, you know, you have a non-traditional desire in a relationship. And with that comes, I guess, some risk. And if it's going to be non-traditional, just by definition, it's going to be slightly harder to find, or maybe very hard to find. And that's something you have to accept, right? Like, that's something you have to say, well, if I definitely want to meet a guy who is into this lifestyle, you have to just accept the fact that is going to be a more challenging thing, you know, if you have a very specific requirement for your partner. But don't, after you come to that realization, don't make it even harder on yourself by then

forcing it or becoming, by overcompensating and projecting it. You just accept that this is what you want and just say, all right, well, when it gets the appropriate time, then it will come up and you'll sense that. But I would always, I would wait longer than, I would be, I would wait longer than you think rather than bring it up sooner than you think you should, so to speak. And this fear you have about like, well, what if I like a guy and then, you know, he's not into it. Well, again, that's when you get to the point of, again, let's assume, play it out, right? You meet a guy. You don't talk about the sex thing.

You don't talk about the swinger thing, but you get to know him. You have conversations and through conversations, you get a sense that he's pretty open-minded. You get a sense that he's pretty progressive. You get a sense that he's a bit of a risk taker in other aspects of his life. So you begin to slowly think this might be into it. And like, you can kind of feel them out. You can throw out things. You can ask about certain, you know, you know maybe you know maybe on the third or fourth day you start talking about sex but i would still keep it reserved i wouldn't bring it out there but find out about him and see if this is the type of person who might be into that right and then you eventually i don't know you're like hanging out and you bring it up and he responds in a way where it's kind of like i don't know

you know i really like you it's cool but he's just like kind of on the fence, you know, but he's like, listen, I don't know if I could ever be into that, you know, maybe, but I don't really know. Then you get to that point where you have to make a decision. Do I like this person enough where, you know, maybe he would be enough. And if he's ever open to it down the line, then we explore that. But, you you know you just have to decide uh if it's a non-starter or not um and then from that point if it's not a non-starter and you are open it to not having it then then kind of do it gradually slowly um you know feel it out talking about toys in the bedroom before you even meet someone is a little like you're just going to

trigger guys you're gonna you you are gonna think you know that whole stereotype of like you know girl goes out she dresses sexy and guys like oh she must be easy and you know like why are you judging me it's just like yes listen women have a desire will have the right to go out and dress however they want without being judged but doesn't mean i think you're promiscuous but like guys are going to like see, you know, certain things and just, they're going to have sex on their mind. You know, they just are right. And if you talk about sex toys and you talk about swinger parties, they're just going to have, they're going to turn one tract, you know, uh, they're going to,

it's going to be harder for you to like talk about other things and, and communicate in a way you want. It's going to be very distracting. Um distracting um so yeah don't bring it up and you know you should be able to find out if a guy's vanilla uh regardless vanilla people in life tend to be vanilla in bed you know wouldn't you agree i mean i don't know i think i'm vanilla in life. What about you thinks you're vanilla in life? What about me? You don't have to be like a 24-7 freak about things to be sexually adventurous. I mean, you live in LA. You have a very non-traditional life.

You're in the entertainment business. You're doing all these things. To me, that sounds like someone who is outgoing. Is good in bed. No, I'm just saying adventurous. Like, you're not someone who, like, stayed in a very. Yeah, I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying.

You didn't get married at 23 and stay in a little community and go to your, you know. That's what you're saying. So that's what I'm saying. You don't, like, there's no t-shirt or obvious, like, well, that person's a freak. Like, you know, normal people have, have you know can be non-traditional you won't it's not like you can walk down the street and walk into a bar and be like oh that person's a swinger that person's a swinger but kind of to that point is like if they are if they're trying different things they're non-traditional and they're they're they ask questions and they're curious about life they they might be

open-minded and so like figure out find those people find open-minded people find adventurous people yeah those types of people and and figure out if they're that first and then worry about whether they're into the swinging down the line um and then you might get lucky they might bring it up too you never you never know but um don't don't force it on a dating app you know or in dms or text messages or on a first or second date right um i would be kind of i would hold that back i'd be guarded you know even those little lines like oh tip of the iceberg buddy like you're just gonna really throw guys off uh and they're gonna want to only talk about sex do you ever think like that i didn't say

that but she's in her mind oh you didn't say it okay i didn't say that gotcha do you ever do you ever feel like that traumatic you know relationship you had is like in some way keeping you from experiencing complete intimacy with someone like you're almost using the swinger lifestyle as a boundary so you don't have to get too emotionally attached i so i go to therapy i love therapy yeah i talk to my therapist about um i think that i can use it that way as a way to sort of detach i I think that, like, in my last relationship, and I'm still in the future, like, I have the ability to have the emotional connection that I desire

as well as, like, the sexual lifestyle that I enjoy. That's, what an interesting trajectory, life trajectory. Yeah, I mean, again, I have friends who dabble in that world. I mean, it's different. It's, again, it's just very non-traditional. Usually it's couples, though, that are like, okay, let's do it.

You know, swinging. Sure, but I think it usually starts with one or both people kind of have this open mind as a couple. The few people I know who have dabbled in that world, they both had independently the desire to have that type of relationship. I feel like that's, again, not being a part of that world. That's where it's most successful. Yeah. You know, the stories where, again, what you don't want to do, Alex, is have to convince a guy to try it.

And he's like, yeah, I want to be cool. And it sounds hot. And then he like watches you have sex with another guy. And then all of a sudden it's like, no, this is over. You know, you can't convince people to be into something and finding they really have to be comfortable in their skin. So if you want this alternative lifestyle, yeah, you have to accept that it is nontraditional and then not try to force it and not try to. You have to accept the fact that it's going to create some challenges, but definitely don't try to force it and not try to um you have to accept the fact that it's going to create some challenges but definitely don't try to force it and then decide whether you are uh open to if you how much do you

need to have in your life and how much are you just kind of uh you all you know is your is your non-negotiable i just want someone who's sexually adventurous at some capacity um or i definitely need to have a swinger type of boyfriend or husband and then and then go from there yeah i think i've been too anxious to figure it out right away i think you're right yeah yeah you're definitely you're putting all this pressure it's just like you know and it makes sense you dated someone you had it and then that that relationship ended so like you want to try that again and it's just like this is a new area in your life where it kind of happened organically last time and now it's easier to find now you're like you really

hope to find it again so you're you're forcing it way too much uh so just let it play out um you can have a you know and again in the, in the meantime, while you are single, like, you know, do your thing and have some fun. And then you might meet someone in that setting. And then the other setting in a more traditional dating setting, just keep it pretty traditional for now. And you can still, like I said, learn about how progressive and non-traditional people are.

Look for risk takers to a certain degree. Look for adventurous people. Look for open-minded people. See how judgy they are about other things in your life. It's easy to pick up on those things pretty quickly without talking about sex. All right? Yeah. Yeah, hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much. about sex. All right? Yeah.

Yeah, hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much. Thank you. Have a good day. Bye. Bye. Yeah, I have some friends who have dabbled in it. It's interesting.

It definitely seems like, yeah, if you're the single guy, you're not welcomed. That's so funny to me. I had no idea. It makes so much sense. Yeah. They don't want any horn dogs and chicken coop? A bunch of dudes. Yeah. guy you're not welcomed that's so funny to me i had no idea it makes so much sense it's like yeah they don't want any horn dogs and chicken coop a bunch of dudes yeah kind of fucking up men ruin everything rotation um yeah yeah i keep that ratio in a certain way i feel

like uh yeah i you know i don't have a lot of experience with this. There's a fine line between, I think, finding something exciting, to hear about that. When my friends have told me their stories, I ask a lot of questions. There are parts of it where it's just like, I get why it's hot. I get why it's sexy.

There's a part of me that thinks, I wonder if I could be able to do that do that it would be cool to do that i don't know if i want to do that you're not allowed there's all these things you know so there's it's a spectrum of of what you're open to and so um yeah we are becoming more and more non-traditional but um yeah i think that also too like guys can guys are more triggered sexually through sexual conversation yeah i think yeah you know like i said the the the girl who had a party who's mentioned she's had a threesome every fucking guy in the room is turning their head and all of a sudden it's like they just see threesome girl right you know and then anytime uh if if a guy goes on a date with her she's gonna get a lot of guys be like hey so you want to have a threesome like right that's guys are can be like

that they can be very simple you know so like don't yeah don't get an idea in their head whether they're into it or not because they're going to become uh one track one track mind and and hard to communicate with you really gotta got to, you do. You need to like kind of establish a foundation with someone. Everyone doesn't need to know what your sexual appetite is early on. All right. How can we help? Hi, I'm Shay.

I'm 25. I guess it's like really short version of this I met my now fiance two weeks before he deployed for seven months um so we had just like a crazy whirlwind romance I guess like I didn't want to take on a deployment but I decided to we obviously stayed together through the whole thing he came home home. We moved in together. And then obviously had a couple months together. And then I got pregnant. And then we got engaged.

And then it's just been moving. We've moved every year since we've been together. Our son's almost two now. Just a lot of life has happened, which is great. And I kind of like, I love the whirlwind aspect of our romance, but then with that also come just, there's been a lot of real life stuff that's happened. And I think that's gotten in the way of just like,

we didn't get a whole lot of physical time together ever. Like, yeah, we had the seven month deployment but obviously we weren't talking much and like yeah it's just a lot and so I think sometimes I wish we had more time to like work on our love and so now it's just hard because there's a lot of real life stuff happening and like obviously we're supposed to get married but we've been engaged for two years now and I just sometimes I feel like I don't know if we're even going to make it to that point because it's just it goes up and down like obviously we still love each other I want our family together but I have a lot of times where I just don't

feel like appreciated or I don't feel like my love language is being spoken and so I just don't feel like my love language is being spoken. And so I just don't, I just don't know. Like I, I know life is hard for everybody and I don't want to say like, I don't know what's normal because I don't think there really is a normal, but I don't know like how much, what's the balance? Like how much struggle do you take to offset like the good times?

Are they 50 50 is one supposed to be more than the other? Like I have no idea. So that's kind of my question. I mean, there is no specific answer and it is a balance. And over time, that kind of up and down and that power shift typically changes, right? Yeah, I mean, I think your situation is probably very relatable for a lot of people, regardless if there's employment involved or pregnancies. I think oftentimes relationships, especially early on in our lives, if we fall in love, they tend to go 100 miles per hour right off the bat, you know, and there's that excitement and there's just kind of like throwing caution to the wind mentality. of the wind mentality and in any relationship regardless of getting the deployment or pregnancy or whatever is things tend to slow down and settle into their kind of normal pace and then there's

this kind of anxiety or angst about like it well why does it feel different well kind of like you were going 100 miles per hour and now you're kind of going at a cool and steady 45, you know? And so you kind of feel that angst. My first question to you is when you said to, have you ever expressed these things to him? Like literally the same thing you've said to us is like, I feel like we've done X, Y, and Z and it was all great, but I feel like maybe, well, this is how I feel now.

Have you ever had that conversation with him um yeah so only our like close family and friends know this but like we split up for this was not maybe a month ago like i i took my ring off like i was like i can't do this anymore just because i just felt like i was pouring from an empty cup. Like I was just giving and giving. And not like I blame him, but he was just so distracted with like life and work and our son as he should be. But I would just felt like the bottom priority like all the time. What do you mean as he should be? And what do you mean like, okay, yeah, you guys have a son.

Great. But like you can have kids should be? And what do you mean? Like, okay. Yeah. You guys have a son. Great. But like, you can have kids and still make each other a priority and you can have a job and make like you, you keep mentioning life as if like, that's this great excuse for him to not do what you need. But. Cause I don't,

I like want him. Like I tell him like, I'm stressed too, but I still plan dates for you. I still put I like want him like I tell him like I'm stressed too but I still plan dates for you I still put you like in my eyes you're still first and like I don't feel like I'm first to you what does he say to that he just kind of agreed like he's like I've been distracted like I've been really stressed out I don't handle my stress well um like you do you do deserve to feel loved and that's the problem though I feel like a lot of people can relate to this in the sense that you have this conversation they're aware of it and then like two weeks it's great

and then it just slowly starts to sink back into like the normal of I don't feel loved again and so I just feel like it was a roller coaster and i'm like i don't know if this is how it's supposed to be because it's so effortless for me to show him my love but when i don't feel like i'm getting love then i start to pull back and then that makes him pull back and then it's just this weird like tug-of-war thing uh yeah i mean so wait are you guys still together? Are you separated? What's your current relationship status?

Well, there's just so much. We've just gone through so much stuff. So in the beginning of our relationship, I was really sick. I had to have surgery. He was like, we're in and out of the hospital. And I still have some health issues going on. I'm getting treatments like weekly. So he's been through a lot with me there.

And so I just kind of felt like he now it's sort of his turn. He's going through stuff and he has a lot of like things going on that he's trying to work through. And now I feel like it's like my turn because when I was going through that stuff I was not easy to be with and I wasn't nice I wasn't I was very selfish because I all I could think about was like look what I'm going through and so now I just feel like I love is unconditional and like I just feel like I should be there for him through this just like he was for me. Like even though he's not showing me he loves me all the time, like I wasn't really doing that for him then. So I feel like now it's my turn in a way, but I also don't, I don't know.

Yeah, no, I get it. I mean, listen, it's a balance. I don't have a right answer for you. The truth is, yes, any long-term committed relationship, there are going to be times where you are giving more than you're getting. There's sacrifices. There's, you know, there's times where you need to be the selfless one. And sometimes, and we've talked about in other episodes, like sometimes it's okay to be the selfish person in a relationship. The, you know, any relationship is going to work over time.

It's not always going to be constantly one-sided. It does change, right? So, what you're describing is I've had a hard time and I admit that I was selfish at one point. He was there for me and now it's his time. That seems very normal and manageable and nothing about that doesn't sound like a potentially great relationship. That doesn't mean, you know, then there's other variables. What it comes down to is deep down, you know, some of these, and I'm not saying they're excuses, but like, I understand these happen and these are serious things. Potentially you don't have to get into the details of it, but like ultimately like we have a kid together, you know, he went off to deployment and God only knows what he had to endure there and your, your health stuff. You just have to

figure out the end of the day, deep down, do you guys, again, love each other and want to make it work? You know, people always say, well, of course we love each other. I don't mean to discredit that, but I don't know, maybe we, of course we don't know that, you know? It seems like that's what you're really struggling with. And my guess is, is if you deep down felt like you two, if you truly felt loved by him, then you would be like, I know, I do know he loves me and he's just going through this period. And I think maybe it's okay for you to admit to yourself that deep down, you don't really know if you two truly love each other like you always have, or certainly like you did when you first met or before you had a kid, et cetera, et cetera. And having that honest

conversation with yourself and with each other about where that love is. Because if you do truly deep down love each other and willing to do that, these things that you guys are going through as a couple are manageable and you will get through it because it's like, listen, babe, I love you. Like, I'm gonna be there for you. We're gonna get through this because I love you and I know that we can be there.

And I know right now you're going through some shit, but like, so lean on me. And then vice versa, he's done that before. But that's not what's going on here. I think you're truly questioning the foundation of your relationship. And that might be because you don't necessarily have a foundation. Yeah, that's so hard. In the sense that you like, you dated for a couple weeks, he went off and your foundation

was, you have one, but it's very different than what you kind of always imagined and you got so used to you know being in a relationship and calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend but like so much of your relationship was uh you know i can only guess when he was deployed for how many years two years seven months okay still a long time so that's seven months he's again god you know has his community of people and the people he truly needs to count on to survive in an atmosphere like that and then you have your friends and yeah you guys talk and write letters and communicate in facetime but like you kind of built these separate foundations i mean do you really have a foundation where you really have each other and i think that's what you need to figure out and i

think you need to have an honest conversation with each other. This idea where you express how you feel, again, discounting whatever he's going through to a certain, it's great that he acknowledges it. Yeah, you're right. You deserve better. Yeah, I know I haven't,

but the excuses aren't necessarily okay. And not over the long time. Again, I don't know what he's going through. And so, you'll have to assess whether like, how much is this like, listen, he needs me to be there for him. And we'll address this later. Versus you're just avoiding the inevitable. You know, are you avoiding like the fact that like, he doesn't, we don't really love each other. And he's never really going to do what I want to do. You talked about love languages. I mean, that matters.

If he's not ever willing to do something about it, that's not okay. If he's like, yeah, you're right. I don't love you the way you deserve to be treated. And then he just kind of stops there. Oh, that's sad. That's not going to change. If it's, you know, right,'s, you know, that's not going to change if it's, you know, right, babe, I'm, you're right. I'm, I, I want to, I'm really struggling right now and I have this things going on and I, I, I want to be honest with you. I feel like I'm not in a place to do that,

but I know I can be, and I really want to be, and let's figure out a way to do this. Like, um, there is that balance too. Um, you know, do you guys, are you guys willing to see therapy? Are you willing to see therapy are you willing to take some time like he can't just keep saying i'm sorry you know apologizing with no like results isn't going to do anything yeah that's like how i feel i guess like i've heard him say the things that you just said like in those words like really speaking to me in like a calm way and like showing that he gets what I'm saying. And then he'll say things like, okay, like now I want to work on being better. But for me,

I just kind of like, so you say that, but then it's like in our day to day lives, like, I don't know if he necessarily knows how to show he's being better. Like, obviously you can buy me flowers. You can take me on a date those are obvious things but it's like I'm talking about like our everyday lives just making me feel loved and I feel like that's where he kind of gets confused because even sometimes when he's rushed and he's stressed and he comes off like mean or short to me it's like those things that are that's what I'm talking about like that's what I don't like. And like, he'll be like, Oh, okay. Like I didn't realize I was coming off that way. And I'm like,

is it like, I just feel like we're on just two different. I mean, let me, let me ask you a question. I don't know if you can answer it right now, but if you didn't have a kid together and you didn't get engaged, do you feel like you'd be together?

I don't know. Because I don't know. Even if we'd be like in this i i think you should think about that for a while before answering it quickly and i'm not saying you can answer it now but i think you know what i'm saying like i don't know might mean no i don't know it's a scary answer it's a scary question to answer i think you should really think about that um you know and and because you guys are, I mean, listen, you have a kid together, that's a big deal. And I understand the desire to have a family, especially with the father of your child. And that's great. And it's great if you can have that. It's also not necessarily something either of you should force at the risk of like the perfect,

either of you should force at the risk of like the perfect um you know looking relationship or you know um your guys are you're both still young you're 25 you know um if my my brother knocked up his high school sweetheart um at 22 and then they quick and then he just like well i guess i should marry her and then they got married and then they had a quickly had a second child they could not have been more different people you know and then they finally just decided they finally realized that and he was 24 25 and it was really truly a blessing in the sense that like thankfully you know like they were both like cool and they were like the divorce was really seamless and and they both like cared about each other they just were like we just are different people and they're great co-parents and they're both like she is now pregnant with i don't know if it's her husband or fiance and my brother jacob has a great girlfriend and they and everything seems great and wonderful and they both and and his new girlfriend

is very much like i mean my brother's weird and different in a lovely way and she's very different like him and very much and had they just forced it and stayed together just because they had two kids together and they got married they would have both been miserable at this point now i'm not saying that's your situation here i'm just simply saying it's i can appreciate the challenges of how do I remove myself from all these promises we made to each other and ourselves. We have this kid together. And so I think you just need to really figure out, is this a relationship that I want to be in regardless of what's led up to this point?

You can still be a great mom. He can still be a great dad. You can still be great parents to your son and not be together. That is an option. Or you can make this work. But right now, I think you're not really answering these questions to yourself. And it's kind of like this band-aid thing. You're not really cleaning the scabs, so to speak. You just keep putting band-aids on it and it seems to be fine and you're kind of getting through it, but you're not really assessing what's going on. You know, you haven't really diagnosed the problems.

It's still infected under there. Yeah, right? The band-aid analogy. That's what's really going on. And so, I think it starts with you, you know, figure out what you think you want first. You know, we've had these kind of before. It's like sometimes we get confused about what we want. And then we want our partners to figure it out.

You know, like, well, I'm not happy. So I want you to do X, Y, and Z. And he seems to be struggling with that. And then it validates your frustrations. But you may not be sure what you want. You know, deep down, is he just not willing to give you what you really want? You know, and so start answering those questions first

because I feel like maybe you're counting on him to figure it out and solve your problems that you have in the relationship, but my guess is you have some confusion about the relationship to begin with. She's smiling. Yeah. Yeah.

I think I just feel like because when our relationship started, like when he was deployed, because he was gone, he had to put 10 times the amount of effort in to like make me feel important and like even though we couldn't talk every day like he sent me a pizza from I don't even know where like just like because I said I was hungry like it was just like things like that like it was just above and beyond and then when he got back

we hadn't seen each other in so long it was the same thing it was just I that like it was just above and beyond and then when he got back we hadn't seen each other in so long it was the same thing it was just I felt like I was the most important thing and then just like I feel like all this life happened and like where did that guy go like I still am obsessed with him I still love him and I try to show him as much as I can but I can only do so much when I feel like I'm not getting anything back. Like if I get it back, you'll get it back. Like that's how it works for me. Sure, but it might not be how it works for him, right?

Like he's not meeting your love language, but are you meeting his? I mean, this idea that you're like, he was deployed. Like, listen, you can't, you have to be realistic. Like, yeah, like understand that when someone's like deployed across the country or you're not seeing each other, you have a long distance relationship. Long distance relationships are hard, but they also bring in this, a lot of excitement and you constantly have the benefit of missing someone and longing for them and pining for

them. And that makes it easier to want to do these crazy romantic things because like you can't do what other normal couples are doing or just like take a walk together, right? And that creates this kind of excitement. Like it's not sustainable, quite honestly, what you're like, the expectations you set. I mean, is it reasonable that once in a while in a committed relationship when you're not deployed to have this grand gesture that he does? Sure. Like once in a while in a committed relationship when you're not deployed to have these him this this grand gesture that he does? Sure. Like once in a while. But like he's not going to be doing this every other week or every other day or whatever. I don't know if that's the way he would.

I don't know. Well, that's the thing. You don't really know if he's ever been good or wanting to do that because he was gone. Right. And so like before you were like, know if he's ever been good or wanting to do that because he was gone right and so like before you were like well he's deployed so you know it's unreasonable for me to have this expectation but now you're like he will he's here and i just want you to talk to me you know and quite honestly you never really knew if that was a reasonable expectation for him because you just accepted that he was deployed you know you again you kind of created this relationship with him under completely different circumstances and then define these relation rules of your relationship based off of a very different relationship and then then you like became in a more traditional relationship with different rules like you're

you know what i'm saying like you you were playing on one you know it's like you were playing a game on a ice hockey rink you know yeah like with with skates and then now you have to play the same game on a basketball court you're like yeah it doesn't really fit it doesn't work you know you have the same expectations to play hockey on this slippery ice without analogies you know um so i feel like that's that's kind of what what's going on but um yeah figure out like what is you know i don't know i just feel like sometimes when when we like oh i want you you bring up the pizza analogy is that what's really going to make you happy you know i don't know and i don't mean i know you don't want you just want to talk to you and stuff but you know you you can't force him to do it right he's gonna want to do it and uh you know you can't be in love with the idea of them you can't be it's like if if we walk down

the street and be like oh well that's you know we had a different caller you can't like again you can't uh put together your perfect person um and you got to figure out the person you're with today the man that is back and he's not deployed you know is he the person you want is he capable of meeting your love languages are you are you both willing to understand each other's love languages and do your part? You know, because right now it seems like you're both saying, this is my love language. I need you to address it, you know? And I don't know if both of you are going out of your way to meet each other's love languages. You know, I don't know.

Yeah. I definitely, like like i try and meet his it's just like i said like i feel like i always use a cup analogy like if you can pour into my cup i'll pour into yours and a lot for a while i felt like i was just pouring from an empty cup just giving love without getting it and i just was like well i'm sacrificing that for this relationship and i was just waiting to get some back and it's like okay I get you're busy but like just like give me a hug like just something really quick like it doesn't I don't need crazy things all the time I just want when you get mad at them how do you handle that like do you are you are you ever mean I would say the worst that I do i'm like a cusser when i'm mad

but i don't try and direct it at him like i don't say like f you like i'll just like say it as i'm talking and i get like kind of like intense but it's more i feel like he doesn't always fight fairly with me like he'll throw a lot of low blows and hit below the belt just and it's very like that's hard to deal with and then like he'll pause take some time to himself come back and be like i shouldn't have said those things to you and it's like thank you like we're gonna fight where things are gonna happen i just want kindness i think at the end of the day like you just want to talk nice to me and like even when we're fighting like don't say things you don't mean well i mean listen i think you guys probably like you guys need to like

if you want to be in this relationship you guys have to figure out how to communicate with each other and maybe you need to talk to a couples therapist to do that. If he's not willing to do that, that's something you should pay attention to. If he is willing to do that, then great. That's a great place to start. Because what you're describing is we don't communicate effectively and we don't fight in the way I want. And he doesn't express feelings. Like you're just not communicating on any level in a way that you want. You're, you're, you're in a relationship that you're trying to now, like I'm in this relationship and now I'm trying to create the relationship I want, but you're doing it on your own and that's hard to do.

So you need him to want to do his part and you need to talk to a professional. You need to figure out how to communicate and you can't do it on your own. You can't coach him up. It's, it'll only like make him frustrated and feel like you're nagging and push him away. And I mean, he can keep acknowledging it all he wants, but he needs to do something about it. And he might not have the answers, but again, a couple of therapists might. So if you simply say, listen, we're struggling. I want us to be happy. Let's just go talk to someone. He should say yes. And if he says no, you should, that's a big red flag. You can only do so much. So it's good that you're fighting. It's good that

you're trying to make it work. But be honest with yourself about is this relationship that you guys can really save and you're not married. And maybe that's a blessing at this point, because it doesn't sound like you're two people who are ready to get married. it doesn't sound like you're two people who are ready to get married. Yeah. So don't be discouraged by that. Be thankful and try to figure it out. I think the fact that you are engaged and you haven't been married yet, you should completely throw that away, right?

That's like an unnecessary pressure of trying to meet an expectation just because you've been engaged for two years. But you're not in any position to get married to each other right now and that's okay and and you should be thankful that now you have the freedom and time to figure out whether you guys really do because you're both still very young and there's a potential great life with each other and a potential group better life without each other in a romantic relationship all All right. All right. Thank you. But accepting that, I think, is a good place to start because I feel like you've never,

you're right now just kind of forcing it, you know? And you need to change how you're addressing the problems. All right? Thank you. Well, best of luck. Thank you. All right, take care. Bye, thank you.

Those deployment situations are rough yeah they are but also like you know i think a lot of couples face this without a deployment situation distance or anything like anytime you meet someone and you fast track you're going 100 miles per hour or maybe there's an early pregnancy or right maybe decide to move in. Like it could be something is like, this is fast, but sometimes couples will live to be dating for three or four months and their leases are both up.

And then they're like, let's move in, we're in love. Or even like, I'm thinking Demi and Christian like got engaged, you know, like on bachelor's day. Sure, but minus the TV aspect. Yes, yes, yes. But like in a more relatable situation.

Right. This is like heavier because of the deployment and the kid or you know whatever but i think a lot of couples will that honeymoon phase it's like that readjusting and then yeah you're together and then you kind of once things fizzle out like why are we together you know and some a lot of couples you know we'll be together for so long we live together maybe we have a kid together maybe we are engaged people are staying in these relationships for all these other reasons other than they're compatible and i mentioned to you she sent like her instagram link and it's all like this gorgeous beautiful family they're beautiful you

know what i mean so you become attached to even just the idea of things. Yeah, the idea. I mean, that's normal. And again, there is that balance between fighting for the relationship versus, you know, quitting, so to speak. But there again, there is a reason they're not married. And sometimes we, well, we've been together for so long and we've been engaged and the fixation just becomes on getting married. And that's the wrong thing you can do. Because that won't solve the problems.

Agreed. Well, I have an email that I wanted to read that she wasn't willing to come on because she was too sensitive about it. Is that okay? All right. So she said, I'm 33 years old. I'm overweight, could lose 30 pounds, and I've never had a boyfriend. I've had sex. I've been on dates, but never make it past date two.

I have made up boyfriends to people to seem normal, which is sad. I have exaggerated relationships as well. So two dates, and I said I was dating him for a month. I've done that. Online dating hasn't worked. I think it's because i'm overweight any advice how does a nice overweight girl meet a good guy i'm trying to lose weight as well um well i mean the overweight i mean that's i mean obviously we've talked about body issues before, body image issues.

I can imagine that can be challenging, but it's got to start within in terms of accepting yourself. Yeah. And until you do that, like you're always just going to judge yourself and you're, and then you start getting into this, projecting your insecurities there's plenty of people out there men and women who don't have the quote unquote ideal body size or ideal like and they're incredibly confident and they go out and confident more than anything is the most attractive quality people can have yeah and and you see men and women uh with uh like what seems to be um like successful dating streak or always with someone because they kind of ooze that confidence. Yeah. So, you know, even in the letter, like she's decided it's her way. Yeah. You know, and listen, there might be guys who aren't into how she looks and there might be

guys who are in. Right. There's there might be guys who are. Right. There's someone for everyone in terms of someone physically attracted to you. Yeah. That is for certain. Yeah. So if she's attracted, like there are plenty of guys who find her attractive. Right. Is it the same guy she finds attractive? I don't know.

But that's, we all deal with that. Right. So like she's, someone who's overweight is not going, isn't any fortunate than uh feeling like they're always attracted to people who aren't attracted to them everyone feels that way yeah like literally everyone yeah um the lying part is a slippery slope you do that well no sometimes like to me a relationship will be like like people be like you only dated for three months and i was like but it felt like a big deal to me i don't know like to me because i don't date as long as other people i'm confused it can't feel like a big deal about it and then you'd be like honest about the timeline yeah yeah i don't know if i've lied about the timeline but um but people are always like well

how long did you guys even date i'm like three months i'm like okay get over it that's fine i mean listen you're if you've dated for someone for three months or three days and you're a little hurt about it right you have the right to be heard about it yeah i mean if it if it's like six months later and you're still like right bitching about it that's a little weird but sometimes we hold on to things yeah i mean i keep always say like when we are getting over someone or something and people have a hard time getting over it it's a part of it is like holding on to that feeling that attachment to the to the feeling of of having connection. There's always like when you break up with someone, right?

And you are heartbroken and you're truly heartbroken. You don't wanna feel heartbroken. You're like, oh, I wish I could get over it. There is a period, especially if it was a hard breakup and you've getting over it really means letting him go. Because there's first losing them in your life and then there's the missing them, but you feel still attached to that feeling. You're still thinking about them every day. And even though you have them in your life and then there's the missing them, but you feel still attached to that feeling.

You're still thinking about them every day. And even though you have them in your life, it's a weird fucked up connection you have by the pining over them and missing them. And then saying goodbye to that is people will hold onto it longer than they actually really want to. They said they want to get over it,

but they don't deep down because they're still holding onto that connection with the person they have. And so, you you know maybe that's why you were doing it or why people do that as far as like lying about having a boyfriend why there's nothing wrong with being single exactly it's super fucking weird if you get caught in a lie about that stuff exactly if you get caught in a lie about embellishing like oh yeah he's my boyfriend and the guys and it gets out that's like we went on one date you know yeah i would have if i heard that about a girl yeah that would that's a huge red flag i would stay away that makes me very

uncomfortable about like how honest they are about our relationship right about like the things that go down in our relationship right if someone's willing to like lie about that and i and i from her it comes from a place of insecurity and well you know like you were saying she's not accepting the weight she's at she's also not accepting her relationship status so it's they're very much the same it it becomes this great delusion yeah and it's a very slippery slope of slippery slope your favorite it is i mean it's it's she you can picture a scenario in which like she's used to these little white lies from time to time and it kind of compounds yeah it's almost reminds you kind of that thriller movie where she's right it's just i just i don't know did you ever see that movie um wicker

park with josh hartman and it was like this heartnet or whatever forever ago i don't remember it and it was basically this kind of crazy white female yeah a little swim band swim band did you see that and no yeah but and the girl was kind of like it just kind of started with a small lie. Right. Kind of, you know, granted it's a movie, but that can happen. Yeah. And then you're going to really,

that's, the lying part is to me the biggest red flag. Yeah. Minus the like, and it does come from acceptance first of like, you know, try to lose weight. Fine.

But like, you know, shit, some guys are into that. Yeah. You know, maybe you're not, but like you come in,

you're, you're describing yourself as like this on this. Well, I wonder like, this is something I struggle with is thinking like once I'm good enough, then I'll find someone or then I'll be, then I'll be. It sounds like that's what's going on. Yeah.

That's how I feel too. Sometimes it's like when you get to a certain thing, then you'll deserve to Yeah. Then I'll be... Well, it sounds like that's what's going on. Yeah. That's how I feel too sometimes is like when you get to a certain thing, then you'll deserve to find it. When is that point? I know. I don't think that's ever gonna... Yeah. It's like...

Like what do you... Some other side of the rainbow. I've known you for nine months. Yeah. I'm sure there's been some growth and development. You look great. You're like, you're the same. But you're pretty much the same person as you should be.

Yeah. development you look you're like you're the same but you're pretty much the same person as you should be you know and and uh if if in january you were like nope and by september i'm gonna be fucking ready to go yeah you're you know you're ultimately who you are yeah and you can at you know if it's weight if getting in shape if it's uh uh understanding that you have certain tendencies and communicating that you want to work on. You can do that. You know, you can become more in shape emotionally and things like that or physically. And these are things we can all continue to work on. But yeah, there's never a time where you're going to be ready or not ready.

Yeah. And sometimes you probably do that just to like, well, I'm not ready. Also, I can't find anyone. And also, that's okay too. But like you, I mean, I'm curious because when we talk a lot, there are times where you describe, I can't find anyone kind of situation. And then there are times even on this call where you're like,

well, actually there's a lot of guys who want to date me, I just don't want to date them. And I think sometimes we forget about, when we were feeling like we can't find anyone, we dismiss all the people who actually do want to date us. Right. And not that that you don't want to date them. So you are so alone,

but instead of like self pity and start feeling down yourself, like you're not good enough. Just again, you just haven't found that, that person. Well, I feel shitty. Why?

Why do you feel shitty? I don't know. That was just a weird conversation. So wait, did I, we did i we we butchered it no no no i don't know i'm just being honest how i feel interesting um why rochelle i don't know um well that was a good that was an interesting ass nick what do you think i don't't know. Sometimes I'm just talking. No. We were a lot of different types of callers today. I don't want you to feel shitty, Rochelle.

I feel like we answer questions. It's fine. Yeah, I don't know. Another fun episode. What did we learn today? We learned about swingers. We got more information than we had at the beginning uh we had more information than we had at the beginning we

had some questions we got answered yeah yeah uh also what else what else we talk about forget we talked about not leading with sex if you're looking for a relationship. Yeah, I mean, sex is a big part of relationship, but you don't have to lead with it. Yeah. Even if you are a sexual person. Yeah. It'll find itself out. People are always interested in sex.

That's like a, that's low hanging fruit in the what are you into conversation. Exactly. Yeah, I don't know. We talked about not second guessing friends in our lives that would be great partners, but we're just not feeling it. That's right, yeah.

I mean, yeah, stop protecting temporary relationships. Yes, so many people who call in do that. They're so afraid of losing. I don't wanna, we have something so special, so special that you don't wanna date him. Also, I conveniently hang out with him when I have a guy in my life and you don't want to date him. Also, I conveniently hang out with him when I have a guy in my life and I don't really miss him that much. But when he leaves,

I really miss him. Like, well, sounds like someone who's really good at helping you pass the time. Yeah. And that's fine. And we should have all those. And that's,

that's normal to have. It's like, you have to be realistic about it. Yeah. You know, like you can, you can sometimes sit down with a friend and be like, this won't be forever.

Yeah. You know, and you are going to, like relationships are, you know, they fill needs at various points of our lives. Yeah. So,

well, thanks for listening guys. Another fun episode. Don't forget to send in your questions. Ask Nick at castmedia.com and uh yeah we will uh see you next time this wednesday coming up i don't know when we're gonna air this episode so i'm not gonna tell you who our guest is uh but it's always fun thanks for listening appreciate your uh your reviews and uh hope you enjoy the rest of your week.