The Viall Files - E492 Ask Nick - You Can’t Cheat A Connection

Episode Date: October 24, 2022

Welcome back to another juicy and exciting episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! On this show, we’re back to bring on our callers to help them through the crazy world of modern dating! Our first caller is interested in dating her ex’s best friend, after showing interest when talking at a bar. After spending the night together, and this guy fluctuating in his level of commitment, our caller wonders if this man is serious when he said he would risk his friendship, or if he’s a 50 year old f*ckboy that doesn’t know what he actually wants. Our next caller is on the verge of fully committing to a long distance relationship with a musician. With a lot of positive signs, our caller wonders if she can formulate a healthy long distance relationship while remembering that you can’t cheat a genuine connection with FaceTime. Our last caller is looking for advice on updating her dating app profile to be more appealing. With a refresh of the pictures and a new approach for openers, will she feel ready to go back to take on the dating world? “Enjoy being excited without getting ahead of yourself.”  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: ShipStation: Get a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com/viall. Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show!  Living Proof: Live your best hair life with Living Proof. Visit http://www.LivingProof.com/viall and use code VIALL to get 10% off your first purchase. Chime: So start your credit journey with Chime. Sign up takes only two minutes and doesn’t affect your credit score. Get started at http://www.chime.com/viall. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of The Vile Files Ask Nick Edition. I'm your host, Nick, joined by Allie and Amanda. If you haven't noticed already, we are recording this intro via Zoom in separate locations. I had to fly to New York for the Today Show. No big deal. So yeah, what's new? I was going to ask you about the Today Show, because I feel like that's more interesting than anything I have going on. It was fun. I got to meet Hoda and Jen. I've always been fans of them. It was my first time on the Today Show. Also, I got introduced as an author, not bachelor alum. Always

progress, making moves in that department. Yeah, it was fun. I got to talk about the book, Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday, and give some relationship advice on the Today Show. So it was, I don't know, I guess it's a career accomplishment. Every time you get to be on one of those kind of premiere morning shows, it's fun. Yeah, I had a good time. So they're always really fast too. They're like three or four minute segments.

So it feels crazy to fly all the way out and it's such a big deal, but like sandwiched in, like trying to have the most thoughtful, succinct and like impactful statements, it's a challenge, but I don't know. Hopefully I did well. I think I did okay.

I don't know. I'm sure. Sorry, my voice really broke. Yeah. At that point, I'm like, I don't think I was on the verge of tears. Are you okay? Yeah.

Are you watching the clip right now? I'm just emotional thinking about you doing the Today Show. A man who's like, he's an author. He's an author, my boss. I'm currently in Soho right now, and I'm right next, I'm like 0.2 miles away from this Balthazar restaurant that apparently is all the rage. The scene of the crime. The scene of the crime.

The scene of the crime. James Corden being, he got, well, first he was kicked out or banned from this place, which apparently is, you know, obviously some fancy to do. Seamy New York place. I don't know. He has since apologized and been reinstated. So congrats to James Corden for, I guess, fixing the problem.

But I've heard he's got prickish qualities amongst Hollywood. So it wasn't shocking to hear that. But how bad do you have to be? Because I think we all have our moments. I certainly, I'm known for. I have a really good disappointment scowl. As a parent, I think I'm not going to yell. I certainly won't spank or anything like that. I just think my disappointment look is top notch. And so I've given that look out and about. And I'll even feel bad for that sometimes because sometimes it will just be like a reaction.

But how bad do you think he had to be? It's also so much worse because if it is such a fancy restaurant, why do I feel like that brings out the absolute worst people? And it's people who are like going there to be known or to be seen or to like throw their money around. Like, I've never seen people like bitch out a McDonald's, but I've seen someone like turn down an entire bottle of wine and like shove a hundred dollars into like the sommelier's jacket pocket. Like that big rest, like fancy

restaurants bring out the worst people. Right. So we're already talking about a clientele that is used to getting exactly what they want when they want it in general. And so like they're used to like pretty people with very high expectations for the dining experience and it sounds like he was just doing a ton of yelling which it's like and I feel like yes it's like okay so in the Instagram caption that um like the chef or like the restaurant man posted the detailed two separate reports and one of them cordon claims there was a hair and was like just very nasty and angry and argumentative and was like get us a round of drinks this second and also take care of our drinks so far this way right any nasty yelp reviews or anything like that like just like very much like threatening them gross bad vibes and then his wife sorry just the other thing that i

think is kind of funny is like the other incident occurred when his wife ordered an all yolk omelet and there was apparently a bit of egg white in it and i was like i didn't know people ordered all yolk omelets like that to me feels like something that is not typically on the menu how would one be able to discern if you had any white in your all-yolk omelet? Like, when it's cooked, yes? Yes. Is the color, like, how? There's like a tiny bit of white and the rest is like pure yellow.

Well, it's also like, you know, I feel like when you crack an egg. No, but they're going to mix it, right? Yeah. There's that little booger also. You know that little white booger on the yolk? That's always there. But you only notice that before you cook it. Once you cook an omelet,

literally the omelet is... You have to scramble. Part of it being an omelet is that it's all very much mixed. So how could one be able to discern whether any egg white was left in the yolk? I just don't think it's possible. Also, how are you supposed to just so cleanly get the yolk? Like, are we using like an exacto knife?

How am I possibly supposed to separate them completely? Yeah. I feel like my dad has this one insane recipe for the holidays where he has to like take out the little like form of the yolk and it takes him like hours and hours. Like he's by the sink, like very dead. Like this is a very high key ask. And you know if they'd taken too long, they probably would have complained about that. Have either of you had a moment with anyone in the service industry, maybe a barista or anything where you got frustrated about the situation and reacted and thought to yourself, like maybe

I got a little frustrated or or not I have with like airline customer service people and with like spectrum but when it's happened I I try to go like sometimes I've like gotten so emotional that I've either been like cry I sometimes I don't yell I cry sometimes and I try to go out of my way to be like I know this is not your fault I know this is company policy I'm just like you know so I try to like if I am way to be like, I know this is not your fault. I know this is company policy. I'm just like, you know. So I try to like, if I am speaking in a way where I can tell I'm not emotionally controlling myself, I just feel like it's really important to be like,

this is not your problem. Like, this is clearly me and company policy, but just because you are the frontline person tasked with telling me that does not mean it is your fault. Because it's also like, no one's going to help you if you're a dick. No, that's true. Yeah. The only time that I raise it is I am a personal assistant for this 40-year-old woman in New York,

and I will do calls on behalf of her. And I don't want anyone to question anything, so I'll just flat out, and I know she wants things a certain way. So that's when I will raise my bar of being assertive. But in my own life, I'm the type of person who doesn't want to cut off anyone in line. So I've accidentally waited in the pickup line for 30 minutes, even though I still had to place my order because I wasn't sure which line was which. I don't want to offend anyone.

One time I was ordering, I was with my dad and we were in cal he was visiting from california and it was i guess a fast food place and and like we had ordered and we were just like waiting and waiting and waiting and then like people behind us started getting their food and like nothing makes me frustrated and then just i just don't like being lied to like just in general. And I was like, hey, we've just been waiting for a while. And they're like, oh. And I realized they clearly had just forgotten.

And they just started to be like, oh, no, it's coming. It's not done yet. And it's one of those things where you see the kitchen. You see everything. They're lying to my face. And I definitely gave them some attitude to the point where I felt a little bad or it was just like, yeah, they fucked up. And it was just more, it was because they lied to me that really irritated me. And like, I just, again, I gave them that disgusted look that was like, I didn't raise my voice or anything, but I knew that the look I gave them really threw them off. It made me feel bad.

But yeah, I just don't get it. If you are that high maintenance, do you go out just to like... I mean, it makes me think that the James Corden and I guess his wife of the world, like literally like to go out just, just so they can critique the service. It's not even, it's more about like the service than the food itself. I think it also speaks to, I think there's like a, I don't, maybe there's a name for this quality. It's not coming to my mind, but like the, the ability to regulate how much your emotions overflow and become someone else's problem like i feel like that is such an essential quality like within a partner like

within a friend like how much can you localize and be like yeah i'm in a terrible mood and i'm having like a shitty fucking time but like i am not going to let this like i'm not going to use this as a reason to like weaponize or like go off on somebody out of the blue and to me it just speaks to the fact that he is like insulated enough and protected enough and important enough that like he doesn't have to exercise that muscle that he's allowed to freak out whenever the fuck he wants and like the restaurant is like no different you know then aren't you just worried about like cancel culture is he he to the level where he thinks he can just get away with it? Because I agree, you reach a certain level of notoriety

where people give you a pass or people want to impress you or they won't say anything. But also, you have made a living off of people wanting to watch you and people liking you as a public figure. So is that not in the back of your mind? Didn't he already announce, isn't he to be like, he's leaving the show after next season. And I wonder if it's like, I have heard that he has, you know, Ellen, like, you know, history, you know, and that's kind of the point that Amanda made, like,

he must be like this with his staff, right? If he doesn't get exactly what he wants when he wants it, like he must, he must do this where his expectation is that his team like literally reads his mind. Like some surgeons can be like this, right? Where it's just like, they have absolutely no patience for like literally anything other than like their, what's going on in their brain. I don't know. I don't, I don't get it. Like if I, even when I have hair on my food, I'm always like, Hey, sorry. Like, do you mind? Like I tried not like, I I'm always like, do not like do everything that you can do to make sure they don't spit on your food. That's my only focus when I'm, and I'm someone who I can be a picky eater. Like I, I'm, I'm, I hate mayonnaise. I won't scrape it off. I find it disgusting. And so like if oftentimes I'll order

something and I'll ask for no sauce or no mayonnaise and you know, one out of 10 times it comes out and I'm always like, Hey, I'm really sorry. You know, it's my fault. I'm the annoying one. I'm picky. I have a problem. This is me. Like I'm, I'm throwing all of this. Cause this is like, my name's Nick and I have a problem. I'm so sorry. Like I'll pay more. I'll pay more for you. Give me like, please don't spit on my food. I literally just had a flashback. I went to brunch with some friends who came in from out of town. We went on a hike and then we went to brunch and I literally ordered eggs Benedict and the waitress put a chicken quesadilla down in front of me and i just didn't say anything and like

just started tucking in because i was like not not a problem in the world i will always say something but i'll do it very politely and yes i'll be like right off the bat i'm like hey i'm sorry for being annoying but like you gave me the wrong food. Yeah, and she came out with my eggs benedict, and I saw her walk out with it. You ate it? Well, yeah, because I didn't want to be a problem. See, Allie, I would have said something if somebody else is food. And yeah, super politely, really not at all entitled or mean about it. If it had been tofu, maybe I would have said something.

But I was like, it's fine. You're like, Adventurous Allie came out. You're like, all right, I guess. I wonder how many people listening do that. I bet a larger number than I would have guessed. I find that to be no judgment, but I would never just eat something I didn't order and not say anything. I feel like it's a very polarizing issue because you're either like, yeah, I feel totally comfortable being like, hey, like, like, sorry to be difficult. Like, but I think actually this was I ordered this. You know, it's like I feel like there's people who are like, like, I am like, there's no issue with doing that. As long as you're like polite and courteous about it, like absolutely do it.

I would do it on other people's behalf. And then there's other people who like I would rather fucking die than you say anything to our waitress. it, absolutely do it. I would do it on other people's behalf. And then there's other people who are like, I would rather fucking die than you say anything to our waitress. Keep it shut. Yeah, there's definitely that. Well, that's that time of year when you might be shipping out your latest and greatest products to your customers for the holiday season

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Here's the thing about living proof, is that I remember so specifically seeing it in my friend's mom's like bathroom as a kid, like the fancy, like the fancy moms, honestly. And always being like, okay, like that's like the fancy stuff. Like when you've made it, that's what you can use. Actually having tried it myself has only affirmed that viewpoint. Like it is the good, good. But the thing about living proof is that it is like really high quality hair care products that is like specific for what your hair needs to work on. So like I have really fine hair, for example. And so I always like my big thing is like wanting it to be a little bit more like voluminous and also wanting to have a healthy scalp that's not oily. And so they have an amazing like scalp care line to take care of the moisture regulation there. And then they also

have all of these fantastic products, everything from like shampoo, conditioner, treatments, leave-in styling creams to help my hair be like, kind of like big and shiny, but not frizzy. And I, it's the good, good. Go to Living Proof. Trust me, it's the stuff I use. You'll love it. You'll have like this, it'll look like they have these golden, you know, luscious curls as opposed to, well, what they normally look like. So that's a secret sauce right there, living proof. And the nice thing about it is that it's like, there's no sulfates, parabens, like silicons, like all of those kinds of like nasty things that like the brilliant skincare and hair people, influencers will tell you to avoid, like living proof avoids

them. So it's nice because, you know, it's not all these insane chemicals going into your hair. It's like genuinely like nourishing ingredients and it smells great. It's not too strong of a perfume, but it's like whenever I get out of the shower, like my roommates, my boyfriend will comment because I have this like little scent to me. Live your best hair life with Living Proof. Visit livingproof.com slash V-I-A-L-L and use code V-I-A-L to get 10% off your first purchase. That's livingproof.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Code V-I-A-L-L and use code V-I-A-L to get 10% off your first purchase. That's livingproof.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Code V-I-A-L-L for 10% off your first purchase. Livingproof.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's code V-I-A-L-L. Allie, I want to apologize for last week when you gave your placenta analogy.

I listened back to that episode and after listening to it, I was like, you know what? Actually, it makes sense. Thank you. I was like you know what actually it makes sense I think when you were talking you said placenta I just immediately got a pet I was like there's just no way this could be a good analogy when she's talking about

passing your placenta but I was like I guess I know I guess I get what she means so my apologies excellent analogy thank you and I know, I guess what, I guess I get what she means. So my apologies. Excellent analogy. Thank you. And I know it's probably not perfect because again, like when you're, when it's literally giving birth, like the baby comes out and it's like such a blessing and you know, like you're so distracted by your baby. So I totally understand that like nuance to it. It was more so me trying to describe like, oh, you think that's just it. And then suddenly there's

like another wave. Yeah, I totally get it. So not to say babies are like cursed or they're not a great blessing. Has your placenta fully passed? Are you? I think my placenta is fast. I unfollowed him on Instagram. I didn't want to see him taking, he was like posting stories of them on dates and stuff. And I was like, I don't need to see this. I think blocking is also a solid option. I just unf like, I don't need to see this. Um, I think blocking is also a solid option. I just want to follow. I mean, he's private. It's like, I can't mute. No, it just did unfollow. Okay. Okay. Cause I kind of also wanted him to see that I unfollowed.

That was your toxic trait. I know. I know. As long as you know. It's so easy though. I was thinking, okay. One thing I was thinking about as it relates to relationships is like the difference between feeling like a priority and an obligation. Because I think we talk a lot about, like, whether or not you're a priority to someone. But, like, when it, like, kind of that point in time where you're, like, trying to figure out how to feel like a priority and make the other person feel like a priority in a way that's like a good compromise and how there's this whole i don't have you ever like experienced that where you felt like you've kind of towed the line between being like oh am i like am i an obligation to you not not only that i mean i have like i think even in relationships well we talk about feeling like a prairie all the time and i think it's always good to check in with your partner and let them know if maybe, you know, it's like, hey, maybe you're busy.

But lately, I just haven't been feeling like a priority. And maybe you feel like other things. Like, I guess, you know, like, or I just feel useful to you. And like, well, feeling useful is nice. You want to feel like more than just like useful. You know, I think sometimes as an active service, love language person, you know, like, like you, you can run the risk of feeling just useful and not loved for it, you know? And I think, you know, it's stuff like that. So whether it's useful or, or just flat out inconvenient,

because that's the thing, like, you know, thing. Or like a burden, like you said. It's just like, no, I want to feel enjoyed. I think that's the thing, too. Not only being a priority, but you want to feel like you enjoy being around me, right? Totally. I'm not just there to hold your bag. Stuff like that.

And I think men and women for different reasons feel often don't feel enjoyed in relationships. Yeah, I don't know. We talked a little bit in the past episodes about starting various book clubs and respective cities for people who have been enjoying and reading Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday. My vision for this is, you know, it's like part book club, part dating community for like people in like Facebook groups. You know, if you guys want to get on a Zoom, great. If you guys do Zooms and you start a book club, I will join as many as I can and hop on and chat with you guys. But I would love to create these communities within the cities, like New York, Chicago, any major city. I mean, really any city at all for men and women to

even anonymously, if it's Facebook groups or it doesn't have to anonymously. It's like it doesn't have to. I don't know. I don't know how you guys want to do it. I really want the audience, the people listening to take this initiative and just communicate with us and we'll promote them for you. And so we'll let you know if there's various groups. So if you're in any of these cities and you think it'd be fun to manage these, again, the idea is with all the stuff in Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday or that we talk about on this show about setting boundaries and communicating expectations and enforcing boundaries. As we always say, easy in theory, hard in practice. And I think it would be great to have like a community to hype each other up who are going

on a first or second date or encourage people to maybe try a second or third date or if they're concerned about red flags or they're having a hard time enforcing or setting a boundary, I think it'd be great to have communities in these respective cities. And I think it's good to be within your city just because I think every city is different in terms of places to go and like first date ideas or just like the kind of the climate of the dating scene in your respective cities. So that's kind of my dream. And if you guys want to spearhead that, you being the audience, let us know. Allie, do you have any other information

that you want to share? We've had a few listeners reach out to manage different groups. So I've kind of gotten them started in terms of creating their Facebook groups. Currently, we have groups being set up in LA, Phoenix, and Seattle. So like Nick said, if you're in Chicago, New York,

oh, we also just had someone reach out from Des Moines. So we're going to start that. But really, no matter where you are, if you want to kind of be the manager of your group, I'll send you kind of all of the instructions, what to label your Facebook group. I'll send you a little graphic for it. And then once we kind of get those all established,

we can then encourage listeners to join those groups like nick said we're gonna ask each of you to do probably at least like one zoom call so you can meet each other live and then nick will be a part of that zoom um but yeah people seem excited it seems like a really fun way to get to know people in their city i know someone reached out and said you know i'm also part of a singles group in my. And I think this could be a good like crossing path for both. So singles, people who listen to the show, people who have read the book, I just think it'll be cool to see the little satellites pop up in different cities. So just send me an email at D-T-Y-E-H-B bookclub at gmail.com um just let me know what city you're in if you want to be a manager uh and then we can just correspond from there and we'll post the links to the

respective facebook groups on the vile files instagram yeah uh in our stories and we'll even post yeah in in the stories and we'll we'll post it multiple times so just keep looking at our vile files ig stories for information on these respective uh book club slash singles mixer support groups for dating um and if you haven't read or purchased don't text your ex happy birthday i think you should usa bestseller, number one dating book on Amazon right now. I really appreciate all the reviews. The audio book is out there if you're not a reader. It's an amazing gift. I truly think for any friend who's struggling in a breakup or dating or in a relationship and they're just confused whether they should stay or go and they have all

these normal stresses that come with it. I really think you should try the book. I really believe in it. I've allowed myself to let me feel like it's the thing I'm most proud of in my life in terms of like a personal accomplishment. Not that I'm not proud of the show or other achievements I've made,

but like this is something I truly never thought I would do. And it turned into something that I am proud of. So, which is hard for me to say because once I started feeling that, I started feeling really insecure. It was like last time I was in New York and I was just like, I don't know what's wrong with me. And I had this anxiety.

And I finally realized, and I like had this anxiety and, uh, and I finally realized I was like, I think I realized that I'm, I'm starting to allow myself to like, believe in this, you know, and think it's decent. And then I really allowed myself to care, uh, which is a very vulnerable thing. Up until that point, I was like, ah, who gives a shit? Who knows how well it's going to do? It'll come and go. At least I did it. Blah, blah, blah, blah, Who gives a shit? Who knows how well it's going to do? It'll come and go. At least I did it.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I don't know. That's just me telling a story. Whatever. So this is all to say, go to vilefiles.com. Get the book. I appreciate it. If you haven't listened to our update show, we dropped the second one last week.

Well, it's there. It's a few episodes ago. I don't know. It was not last week, but, it's there. It's a few episodes ago. I don't know. It was not last week, but the week before Friday. Episode 488, for those of you who want it. 488.

The Tino episode is live. If you haven't listened to that yet, make sure to check that out. Ooh, it's a real, real juicy one. We have a big week lined up, as always. We'll be back in studio together. The team will be with each other.

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Alliance ATM. How's it going? Good, thanks. Hi. I'm Jessica. Jessica, I'm 45. I'm calling. I'm divorced with children. I've been divorced about nine years. And the only significant relationship I've had ended recently. I was dating this guy for about three and a half years. And in a lot of ways, it was a very good relationship. Our kids got along. We like each other's families. We live about a mile away from each other. So we were able to spend a lot of quality time together, but there were some trust issues that, you know, I just could not overcome. And, you know, we just had a lot of like other differences. We're politically very different, that sort of thing. We parent differently.

So I broke up with him about two and a half months ago. But we've stayed friends. We see each other. We've given each other kids, the kids rides home, things like that. We work in the same industry. He's, you know, acted as kind of a mentor to me. So I've asked him, you know, I've reached out to him for work help, things like that. So we're still friendly. And also, we kind of have the same friend group. We haven't always, but over the last couple of years, especially through COVID, our friends have gotten really close. We all kind of hang out and we've all continued to hang out with each other. He has one friend that I have always really liked.

He's also divorced. He also lives in our area. And he's just a really nice guy. We actually have a lot more in common than I ever had with my boyfriend. We never said anything to each other. We never talked about it. We just really like each other's company. In a group setting, we'd always kind of end up chatting and talking to each other. And in my head, I kind of always thought, if I were not with my boyfriend, I would have liked to date this guy. So when we broke up, I thought to myself, there was this, you know, idea I had that if we stayed in touch, and if some time passed, and everyone had moved on, maybe in six months, maybe a year even, I might, you know, reach out to him and say, you know, maybe we should go out.

It's my ex-boyfriend's closest friend, like his best friend, I guess. So recently, about two and a half weeks, about two weeks ago, I was out with a bunch of friends. The friend was there and something happened in the night. Like a woman approached me and showed me some messages that my boyfriend had sent her, you know, while we were together. Not anything shocking. You know, I kind of it's kind of why we broke up. But it wasn't fun to like, you know, I was out trying to have a good time. And this woman approached me and it just kind of made me mad.

And so, you know, I went over to the friend and I sat down next to him at the bar and I said, listen, I like you. I've always really liked you. I really think that we should go out. And I always thought that he would kind of respond by saying like, you know, I like you too, but listen, I'm flattered, but it's never going to happen. Like you can't, it's not a doable thing, right? So instead he said, I really like you too. And I think you're great. I've always thought you were great. I've always thought that this guy was so lucky to have you.

And I would love to go out with you. And we were both kind of looking at each other like, are we really having this conversation? So the night went on. We stayed out. We were, you know, everyone's drinking a little too much. We Ubered home. We dropped him off first. He asked me to spend the night at his house. And I did. I did. We didn't sleep. We didn't have sex. We slept in the same bed. I kept all my clothes on. But he's like, I really, I want to talk about this. I want't, we didn't sleep. We didn't have sex. We slept in the same bed. I kept all my clothes on. But he's like, I really, I want to talk about this. I want to, you know, discuss this. We have so much to talk about. And I was like, okay, but we kind of like, just kind of fell asleep. So I woke up like really early in the morning and I just got up and went home because I was like,

this is awkward and weird. And I, you know, couldn't handle it. So I went home. He's texting me the next day about how much he likes me, how much he enjoys spending time with me. We need to talk about this again. So he said, we met that night, the next night for a drink. And he said, I'm going away. I have to go out of town in a couple of weeks and you should come with me and we can get away. We can spend some time together. We can see if we like each other romantically before we decide to like do this very disruptive thing to everyone. I was like, that is a great idea. That is the perfect plan. I like that a lot. Okay. So I talked to him again. The next day I didn't really hear from him. And I thought that was fine. Cause I was like, it's a lot to process. And I was processing it and I assumed that he was

processing it. So I let it go. And then he called me, like sent me a text saying that the boy, his friend, my ex-boyfriend had sent him a text saying, listen, I really need to talk to you. And he's like, I'm assuming this is about the situation between us. And I'm like, I called him back to say, it's not about the situation between us because there's no way that it could be. I haven't told anyone, you know, it's just, we're just being paranoid. But during that phone conversation, he didn't say anything about the way, the things that we had talked about before. He didn't say anything about going away about before he didn't say anything about going away together he didn't say anything about um liking me you know it was just like kind of like talking to a different person um so that's when I sent you that email saying like what should I do because

typically if someone like a man doesn't respond to my like if I sense that a man doesn't like me the way that I like him, it does not increase my desire to talk to him. It kind of like decreases my attraction. But in this situation, I can't tell if I, if we should just drop it or if I should, you know, give him more grace because he might be processing. I mean, I think either is a potential option. So you don't know what your ex wanted to talk about? No, since then, I do know.

And he wanted to, he heard that I was out, and he was trying to, you know, trying to kind of find out from his friends, like, what I was doing that night. But he does not suspect his friend. if that okay so there you go but like so you're this new guy got a call from his best friend about you you guys were having this kind of these secret conversations about like well i like each other i want to go away on a trip and then he got this kind of cryptic call from his best buddy being like call me now immediately he got

paranoid and felt guilty it's like oh fuck, I'm going to have to have this conversation. Now that didn't happen, but it was about you and your ex basically, essentially what I'm hearing is described to your friend that he very much cares about what you're doing and who you're doing it with now imagine hearing that he must have felt real guilty and he must have felt like real like oh fuck like you know because i'm sure you guys you know it sounds like you guys didn't prioritize you're like listen he's your ex so like whatever i mean you guys stayed friends i don't know he's your ex so like i don't know if you have to give him that much consideration but he's his friend right and so he decided along with you to just prioritize your guys's needs about each other and well that's a choice whatever you know like uh he wasn't being the best friend but hey whatever

love's love you know but either way he did prioritize his own needs over his friends right yes and that was easier to do when he was probably, he was probably thinking, I don't know, maybe he won't be mad or maybe he'll get over it. I don't know what he was thinking about his friend. Okay. But since then it's happened. So I sent that email, but then since then it's happened a couple more times? So he'll say to me, so we will meet and talk and reiterate. And he's actually kind of more of the aggressor. So he'll say to me, I really want to talk about this. And I'll say, listen, I said a couple of times, I'm not going to hold you to anything you said to me when we were drinking.

we were drinking and I understand that like, like in, you know, when you have a moment to think about this situation, it's a lot more intense than, you know, then it, you know, maybe your initial reaction, but he keeps coming. Like he goes like two days where he won't call me or text me or be able to stand offish. And then he'll say, I need like, let's meet, let's talk. And then he's like all in again like i really like you i don't care you know he's kind of like waffling and in in normal circumstances i would not accept that from a man he's 50 um in normal circumstances i

would not accept that from a man but i'm trying to like weigh my balance out what I'm willing to accept from a man and also like give him the space and the grace that he needs to like handle a very difficult situation. So like in a normal situation, this would be very clear cut. He's not consistent. I don't want to talk to him anymore, but I keep thinking, well, maybe he's not consistent because it's a crappy situation. Yeah. I think it's okay for you to give him a little less grace than you're giving him. And I think it's okay for you to just say, hey, listen, I don't want to ruin a friendship, but what I need in my life as someone who's at this point in my life is I just want someone who's consistent and somebody who can make tough choices. And I don't want to put you in a tough

position, but it's a little back and forth here tough choices. And I don't want to put you in a tough position, but like it's a little back and forth here. And maybe you're just not ready to do this. Or maybe he just needs to have an honest conversation with this friend. Well, that's the problem. We don't want like, and I understand that perspective of his that like,

I told him the risk is not on my end. If this ex-boyfriend says like, I never want to speak to you. I think youfriend says, like, I never want to speak. I think you're a terrible person. I never want to speak to you again. So what? Right? You're my ex-boyfriend.

We don't have to ever talk again anyway. But for him, he's losing a friend and it's a different kind of betrayal. I kind of feel like he has, like, I feel like my position is so much easier than his. Sure. I feel sympathy my position is so much easier than his. Sure. I feel sympathy for him. Okay. That's, that's fine. But you, you still be a little bit more realistic than you're being, and it'll be a little more

honest with yourself than you're being because, well, like, which one is it? You need to take a trip to figure out whether you're compatible or you already know, because it can't be both. Well, we don't know if we're compatible. But the idea of the trip is that we get to go away we're not in our town where people could see we don't have to worry about people seeing us out we can spend time together you know have like an interrupted time together and and see and we both said like maybe we would do this and we would be like you kind of suck right like this doesn't

work or something won't work about it. And then we don't tell anybody. We just go on with our lives and pretend it never happened. But you guys are middle-aged and despite the awkwardness and the challenges, you should be more capable of being communicative because you have less time to waste. Like, you know what I'm saying? The argument you're using towards me, I can just spin around and say like, you guys should be holding each other to a higher standard. And if it is rare and hard to find, you should be like, be willing to have these tough conversations that you're going to have to have to make a relationship work, but you're avoiding the tough conversations and you're making excuses for him. And you're just putting yourself on hold and you're still confused, you know, and that matters. His inability to like

stop you from being confused matters because like that's how he will be in a relationship with you. Okay. So yeah. All right. I guess I'm just saying, I encourage you to give him a little less grace. Well, what does that mean? What does it, What does that look like, giving him less grace? Saying what to him? Getting answers that you have. Because I don't have the answers for you. He does.

I'm not even sure what the question is. What do you want? Are we going to do this? Like, are you willing to go for it? All right. I don't have a risk. But you do. But let's do this.

Or you saying, right now, it seems like you're not ready to like make this decision. So I think we should pause. I'm going to decide for myself. I'm not going to wait around for you to make a choice. I'm going to just take a pause from this. I'm not saying it's over. I'm going to take a pause and take a step back. And then that way you can like, we're not ready for a trip right now. You decide. You take the power back by deciding for the both of you that right now it's too early to take the power back by deciding for the both of you that right now, it's too early to take a trip and have this romantic honeymoon that quite honestly isn't going to give you an accurate representation of what this relationship is going to be like.

You're going to play house for a week. So you decide, slow it down. I want you to think about what you really want. Think about this friendship. Take some time. I'm really not going anywhere, like you said. It's hard to find. And if you end up finding some other guy that you connect with problem solved, right. Take charge and just either ask the questions of the answers you want to get or decide for the both of you that it's too soon to pursue this. Take a step back. Let him really think about what he wants to prioritize. And in the meantime, you're still a free agent. And if you're still available for when he's ready to make a tough decision, then he can pursue you. Okay. That's the answer I want.

Okay. That's what I like. All right. Go forth and let us know how it works. All right. Thanks very much. All right. Thank you for calling. This was fun. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hey.

Hey. I'm Elena. I'm 26. How can I help, Elena? So I am on the verge of entering into a long-distance relationship. Okay. I've never been in one before before and it's kind of just appeared out of nowhere and it's been very crazy and fast-paced and i guess i'm just like internally freaking out a little bit and could love would love your help what do you mean you're

about to enter into it like bring us up to speed of yeah of this situation yeah so i'll give you the whole background we met like two weeks ago um he lives on the west coast i live in the midwest okay uh he was in town for a gig that an organization i'm a part of was hosting um and i was one of the like the hosts for the gig so i was taking care of the musicians he's a musician. And so after the gig, took him out to dinner and drinks, which I normally do with, you know, whenever we're hosting people, but we really hit it off. And then I took him to the airport, kind of figured, all right, I'll never see him again. Then he texts me and I think, okay, well, this is cute. He's just kind of like reaching out saying thank you but then we just kept talking for days and days and days and it turned into facetiming for hours on end we literally facetimed

for like seven hours this past Saturday and it's just become very intense and exciting and I've never kind of felt this before okay um and I I think it's really scary because long distance is not something I'm accustomed to. But for some reason with this guy, it feels worth it. We are planning to see each other in a couple of weeks. Great. So when you say you're considering entering in a long distance relationship, like what do you mean by relationship? We've kind of like talked around it. I think we both have an idea that we want this to go further and, you know, be exclusive with each other. He was very clear when we were talking like, Hey, I'm interested in you and only you, which you don't hear that a lot.

And I feel the same way. And I think it's like when we meet up and see each other again in a few weeks, we're probably going to have to have that talk of like, what are we doing? Is it worth the investment? slow it down. That's the hardest part, I think, about dating. We've talked a lot about this recently. Excitement gets you expectations and then expectations can lead to disappointment, right? And so you've met this guy a couple of weeks ago. I don't care how many conversations you had between now and then, there's still a lot you have to learn. With it being long distance, keep doing the FaceTimes and communicating. But I think it's cool that you're open to exploring this relationship. I think it's totally cool that you're open to exploring this relationship. I think it's totally great that you are open to it, even though he lives long distance. Because like right now, like it's not like he's not asking you to marry him or things like that. Like you're

willing to make sacrifices for him, right? That's it, right? And vice versa. He's saying, I only want to date you. He sounds like he's communicated that he's willing to make sacrifices to get to know you. And that's great. It's still early. And I think we just have to try to, you. He's, he sounds like he's communicated that he's willing to make sacrifices to get to know you. And that's cool. That's great. It's still early. And I think we just have to try to, you know, without like, there's that balance between being excited and, and, you know, a little kind of just open to whatever, and maybe throwing a little naivete in there with being a little bit more pragmatic and realistic without becoming cynical. And it's a really tough balance. So I think for you, it's like, enjoy this excitement. And, you know, the, this nervousness that you're feeling is probably, you know, your internal dialogue that's saying exactly what I'm

saying, which is, Hey, Elena, we, a lot of good stuff here, but we just don't know we you know like he's a musician and so like what does that mean is he traveling is he like he's you know is he a sweet talker is he just really excited about me you know like people who get excited tend to some people who get excited who are really good at being in the moment and the moment can last more than just like that one moment it could be like the moment like a month of like really, you know, talking to someone, getting excited. And then, you know, all of a sudden that wears down and they get, become a little less excited and a little bit more comfortable with you. And all of a sudden their comfort makes them reevaluate some of the things they said when they were excited.

When we're excited, I think we have to be a little hesitant about the things that we even say. Yeah, no, I agree. And I think part of it, the reason I'm so excited is because I haven't felt this way in such a long time. And I normally am that cynic that you've mentioned. So yeah, it's just really hard to find that balance because I take always such a logical, rational approach. And this is so far from that. And I'm not used to it at all. Yeah, I think we just need to be careful, though, because that saying of, I haven't felt like this way in a long time, honestly doesn't mean anything about him and his compatibility towards you and the relationship you're considering.

You know what I'm saying? compatibility towards you and the relationship you're considering you know what i'm saying but we often will take that feeling of not connecting with someone a while and then attribute that to how special they could be and realistically i don't i think we overvalue that yeah you're not wrong and he might end up being the one you know he might be really special but like this you're this excitement you have about not being excited in a while just maybe means again like if you have high standards which i think we all should have you know if if you are comfortable with being single to the point where like you know like you're okay with saying i don't know nice i like it cute but like not my person i don't care how confident and secure you

are with yourself over time if you've been single for a while, sometimes you can feel a little lonely at times and you can be like, it'd just be nice to fucking have someone. Fuck, you know? And then someone pops in, we get excited and we can get a little caught up in it. I think it sounds like you're doing everything fine, right? It's just that finding that balance between trying to enjoy what you have with this person and still be willing to tell yourself, I have a lot to learn. I have questions I want to ask. I mean, listen, I'm not here to say like after two weeks, if it's nuts for two people who don't know much about each other to say, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend. I mean, again, I'm a big believer in you can always break up. All of a sudden sudden boyfriend and girlfriends these days. It's like the new engagement

It's just like we can have a situation ship we can fuck around We can even say like I only want to sleep with you right now and you me but like boyfriend and girlfriend I don't know a label. That's a little much I I think people get a little carried away with you know, what a label means But I think it's just I know I also think the more or in control you are It will give you more power and it will keep him on edge. And I guess in a good way, just to, I like you, but you know, we're still feeling it out. You know, when you have this like conversation with him the next time,

and I'm sure you've heard me say this, but like, be sure you're telling him how you feel and what you want and don't ask him questions he'll tell you what he wants if he has something to say yeah and i think you know i mean he has very clearly communicated what he wants and like we are on very much the same page but i think part of it is i i almost have too much control sometimes and that's like been a problem for me historically what do you mean like i'm just a very i don't want to label myself as controlling, but I like to be the one who's making decisions, calling the shots, whatever. And with him, I don't want to give him my power, but it's kind of keeping me on edge a little bit that he's a bit more spontaneous. He's more ready to jump into this head first.

And I'm usually the one who's very reserved, like you said, having the power, having the control. And it kind of just feels nice to relinquish it a little bit. Yeah, that's great. I mean, you can give up, I guess, some of your power when you trust someone, you know, to give it to. And that might lead to some disappointment in the future. The important thing is if you end up being disappointed, not to like, you know, regret being a little vulnerable. And that's what vulnerability is, is like giving up some of that power of someone you trust, who doesn't abuse that power, doesn't take it for granted, who doesn't try to use it against you, who doesn't try to control you now that you've given that up, you know, they just see it as you wanting to connect and get closer with them. And they give you just as much as you're giving

them, you know, that and that's really hard to find, you know, and it's, it's a balance. So I think it's great that you recognize that you are like that. And, and it's okay to like, become a little vulnerable and get just, I feel like when we see each other in two weeks, though, we might not see each other again for another month or two or whatever. So that's why it feels very fast paced. Yeah, it's early, but. How often do you guys like FaceTiming and shit? Probably like every other day. Okay. And then like a ton on the weekend. Why not every day?

Well, we have a three hour time difference. Okay. Yeah. So it's gotten a little hard. Sometimes it's just hard with our schedules. Like I'm an attorney. Sometimes I'm in meetings, you know, super, super early. And then sometimes he works until super late. By then it's like 1 or 2 a.m. for me. So that's like the only started by saying, I'm considering getting into this relationship. And if you are considering getting into like a committed relationship, I'm just curious as you know, but, but point is, is like sometimes when you're limited to only like talking via phone, text or FaceTime, it gives you an opportunity to really connect with someone on an emotional level. Right. And I think sometimes that can make you feel like, you know, them more

than you actually do. Cause even though you're talking about a lot of things and you are getting to know them, like getting to know someone just takes time. There's a certain level of getting to know someone that you can't cheat through hours of conversation about things that you want to talk about. Sometimes you have to just see people in life and see how they relate to other people, how they connect with other people, how they interact with servers and their family and friends and vice versa, like how they react to being disappointed and not getting their way. How do they react in a moment of insecurity or panic? Do they come to you for help? Do they, are they good at like being vulnerable and leaning on their partners when they, they need someone or do they push them away and get a little closed off and make you feel

isolated? These are all like just things that happen in relationships that you just have to like witness and experience and it's going to take time. That's the downside of a long distance relationship is like those things that require just being in the same company of one another are going to happen few and far between. But like at the same time, you know, you can cheat a little bit. He might have a bad day, and you can be in a different part of the country, and he can still call you up and be the person who says, hey, I had a bad day. Can I talk to you about it? I'm really frustrated. He can still get mad at you. Being in a long-distance relationship is going to create some potential insecurities.

You could be out and busy and preoccupied. He might take that as like, maybe you're just not vibing with him anymore. He gets a little insecurity, insecure. He asks you a question, you give an answer and you see how he responds. Does he get mad? Does he get accusatory?

Does he start blaming you and doing things? Or do you guys work through something? Like you can also do that as well. But the point of all this is it's going to take time. And early on, I think the trick is to try to enjoy being excited while not getting ahead of yourself. Because this could end in two weeks. It could end in three weeks.

And you don't really know. And I don't want that to discourage you from opening up to someone that you really got excited about or being vulnerable with them, especially as someone who can personally identify who's like, is a little on, like is not as easily giving of the power they have or control of a situation. And that's a good thing, but we, we have to be vulnerable to connect with people. Yeah. And it's, it's a good exercise. I mean, regardless of whether or not this works out, I think, you know, I'll learn a lot regardless. I mean, been in therapy forever, working on this very issue, being more vulnerable. So this is a

nice like test of that. I mean, whether or not it works out, I think I am learning a lot here that I just kind of had an experience before about just relinquishing that a little bit. Absolutely. And I think talking to you, the biggest thing is whatever you decide to do with this person and however it goes, it won't be, it won't have been a waste of your time or a bad thing or anything you should regret by giving this a shot, by trying it out, by going for it, by, by becoming a little more vulnerable and a little risky, you know, and seeing where it goes. Like that, that we have to do those things. Like, you know, when I first started dating Natalie, I had a lot of like insecurities and fears about like things that like cause a problem in our relationship and things that made me drag my feet.

And when we, when I, when we finally decided to like be in a committed relationship, there was this, I didn't have all the answers. It was just more like, it's to me, it's worth giving it a shot. Like, I don't know how it's going to work. There are some risks in this and I just have, I'm going to do it and we'll see how it goes. I don't know. Like I was fully prepared for it not to work out, but like, you just have to try at some point. And, and in the past I, you know, through failed relationships and things that, you know, I had to overcome, I became more, you know, I guess guarded and I had, you know, and I was more comfortable with being single. So like I had more kind of things in my, a larger checklist of like, before I feel safe and comfortable and vulnerable enough to want to

get in this relationship, I'm going to need X, Y, and Z, but event either way, you're never going to get all the answers to guarantee you something's going to work out. So you just have to try it. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's my exact experience too. And through all those failed relationships, you know, build up the walls, but here we are. So it sounds like you're in a good place. I, you know, we'll see how it goes and just be open-minded. And the big thing is, you know, try to be vulnerable without losing your power, you know, which it sounds like you're you're doing that. Yeah, I'm trying. But no, this really helped me.

I'm like going to try and work on just being overly excited and jumping to it and keep the balance. And yeah, I think we're in a good place. It's always OK to just check it and say still some stuff to learn and we'll see how it goes. check it and say, still some stuff to learn and we'll see how it goes. And the longer you can do that, the more he will be curious about you because I think it's a really hard balance to have and the people who have it, I think, are intoxicating to everyone. I'll keep it up then. Cool. Thank you so much. All right. Take care.

Thanks. Bye-bye. How's it going? Hi, my name is Kay. I'm 25 years old how can we help k i'm just looking to get some help on refreshing my dating apps okie dokie what uh i love this we haven't uh we haven't done something like this this yet what why do you feel like you need a refresh uh they're just kind of stale and i just feel like they're not like attractive enough to get a good conversation flowing or really you know the two seconds you get for someone to know something about you I feel like it doesn't really display that well enough how long you been on the apps

off and on for maybe the past like five years or so uh you sent in your your photos I think overall I thought your photos were pretty good. They're pretty solid. You look nice. You clearly can tell who you are. You're smiling in, I think, all of them. There's this one, the one where you're standing up against, like, a plain wall, like, and your hands cut off. And you're, like, not really sure what you're doing there.

So, we can maybe lose that one. Okay. Although, I think your photos are solid. The one thing I would say for the photos is I agree with Nick. I think they're all beautiful photos. I like that you're smiling. I like that you have solo shots because, yeah, we don't want to play like a Where's Waldo of which one you are and all that good stuff. I would say sometimes, as stupid as it sounds, like sometimes sprinkling in even like one or two friend shots or group shots subconsciously I think comes across as like

you're social, you have a friend group, like you enjoy getting to know people, you're very approachable. One friend shot, but it's buried. It's after like two or three, clearly this is who I am. Totally, but just so they're not all singles. Alternatively, if you have a photo of you that like makes you and your friends laugh every time you see it like you know you have those photos you're like this is so like this is like whether it's you like holding like my friend has

one where it's like her holding like this huge bottle of wine like dead in the eyes like if you have anything that like just like makes you and your friends laugh and smile but we are like oh but i also think my skin looks amazing in this I feel like that's also another option for ways to spice it up because then it gives people an easy like, oh, okay, I can see myself clowning around with this person. Oh, I like that. The easier you make it for other people to ask you questions, I think is always beneficial. That doesn't mean they always are going to ask questions, but at least for the ones who want to ask questions, you'll make it easy. So yeah, I mean, what was it? Well, Connor, who used to work for Bumble, like, I guess, always lead with a close-up picture of your face with you smiling. And that like, that's like makes like a 60%

difference or something like that in terms of whether you people swipe left or right. So make sure people clearly see your wonderful face with a smile, I guess. And you, I mean, but yours are pretty good. I would also, I don't know, this is me being super, super picky, so feel free to ignore, but I love the one of you and your dog, and you also have a photo of you just smiling. And from my perspective, I could be wrong, you're in the same outfit in both of them, so they feel very similar to me. I would keep the one with you and your dog because I think it's cute, but then maybe

swap out that solo one for either a different outfit or maybe that's where a friend photo gets swapped in and then you can obviously rearrange the order but I mean you only have a few up there anyways try maybe not to have the same night or the same outfit repeated also yeah I mean with dating apps I do I do think it's worth the investment to like, if nothing else, you know, find the friend who's like pretty good at taking pictures who cares, you know, and just go out and do some, just take a couple of shots and update it, you know, pick out your couple of favorite cute outfits and like take pictures specifically for the dating app, you know, and look your best self. And bonus, you can then put them on your Instagram too double whammy yeah oh that's good but i think definitely finding the friend who will help you

like who's who takes the time who likes who likes taking pictures have some fun with it use your iphone or whatever smartphone you have totally fine if you have a friend that does professional photos actually i even think the iphone stuff is you want to seem casual, but just, you know, take the time to get your best possible photo. Right. I mean, why not? Also, I see for a prompt you are talking about. One of your prompts is let's debate this topic. You said Tobey Maguire being the best Spider-Man.

Is there anything? And I think that's a good conversation starter. Is there anything, and I think that's a good conversation starter, but is there anything specific about you or something that you are like deeply passionate about that would like really launch you into a conversation as opposed to someone being like, I like Tom Holland? Okay. Yeah, probably sports. I mean, as far as something that a guy could have a conversation with as well, probably mostly sports. Something inflammatory. Are you really passionate about sports? Yes. Okay especially great yeah i because i think it's more important that you put things that you're passionate about rather than worrying about what a guy might be

interested in oh yeah for sure but so yeah so you're passionate about great i think also i think something that people do on dating apps is like they'll it will be like something i'm interested in college sports as opposed to like my hot take and then doing a specific one. Like I think, think about one of like, think about something you would say to a guy at a bar that's kind of inflammatory or that kind of like a little bit playful,

like kind of a bold claim that would like start a good line of discussion. Like literally be like, I don't think UCLA and USC should be joining the Big Ten because then we're just going to have to get some more West Coast teams so they don't waste half their week traveling to the Midwest.

Or who's the new USC coach? That's good. You know, something like that. Why do you think Brian Kelly jumped ship but Tommy Reese stayed? Look at you,

dropping knowledge, Allie. Brian Kelly's a fraud or something. What's with Brian Kelly's fake accent? Accurate. Okay, then totally do something like that

like something that you would want to like have a long chat about that would like genuinely feel enjoyable like a place to showcase definitely a hot take you want to put out your your your college football hot take whatever it is i'm sure you have plenty of them and and feel free to mix it up you can literally update it every week and in fact you should so that's not a bad thing to do uh it's constantly no who's gonna know okay i think it's good to refresh yeah i would be i would be i would update your hot takes in that category more often than your photos i don't think you need to update your photos i think it's fine to update your photos you know correct me if i'm wrong i feel like the one of the biggest fears on dating apps is the fear of like, how old is this picture? So imagine you're, you know, people, I feel like you see a lot of the same people

sometimes now on dating apps. Like, oh, there's that person again, right? Well, people are going to say the same thing about you. So now you get a new photo that might 100% make one person in the past who like didn't swipe right, swipe right this time. And again, it's not because of you. People are just like, you know, people are on dating apps just to pass the time half the time. You know, there's literally sitting in the car, you know, whatever. They're not paying attention. So everything is about this, like grabbing someone's attention. It's just, just kind of, you know, it's like any, like social media, you're scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. What, what's going to make someone stop? So I think updating things, I mean, don't put so much effort into it that you're investing

all this time. But yeah, if you have a couple, like you go out with a friend, they take some photos, you have a good day, you're liking 10 of them, but you only put up four or five, update one or two the next week because you never know when someone might, something about that one picture that they notice that makes them swipe right. Also something that I didn't think through as like a strategy, but it was actually really helpful is I had a friend of mine, she met her husband on coffee meets bagel and I had never made a profile on it. And she's like, well, I'll just do it for you. And so I like went and took a shower and came back and she like built me a whole profile and she just went through my camera roll. But she was pulling photos that I would have never even thought to put on my profile. So maybe if you do have a friend you trust, like hand over your camera roll and say, you know, are there any you think I'm missing or any shots that I've kind of just been glancing photos that you like of yourself and obviously that's important you want to feel good but yeah i think you want to get a friend's perspective because

sometimes there's a lot of photos that i've had a girlfriend or a friend be like you look great here i'm like really i don't know and then other people have been like yeah it's a really good photo of you i'm like okay great i'll uh i'll throw it up and then trust your friends with that you know but i definitely think refreshing the page from time to time has very little disadvantages. And if nothing else, it'll let people who recognize you be like, well, at least I know this is what they look like, you know, because there's always that fear of like how current and how up to date is this person's profile. Also might intrigue people because even if you're talking to someone and then like, let's

say like you end up going on a date or two, but it's still very casual. If they see a little refresh from time to time, it might keep them on their toes a little bit. You're still out there. You're still meeting new people. So what's the app that you have to start the ones? Bumble. What are your openers? So that's what I wanted help with as well.

Like a good opener. If someone has a good profile, then you can go off of that. But typically, I'm saying pick one. What's your go-to Moscow mule or an old-fashioned? And that kind of gets the conversation flowing to saying, oh, well, how about do you know a good spot in town that you have a favorite old-fashioned? Oh, really? Let's go there. Let's go grab a drink. But it doesn't work for everyone because not everyone drinks and then some people don't know how to play along. Keep in mind, one, you're also trying to filter out people. So when they don't play along, you're getting information about them potentially.

And that's not a ton, but I definitely wouldn't see that as rejection. That's the problem with dating apps is that it's like, it's a rejection app, really. Because every time you swipe right on someone that you don't match with, even that is a mild rejection. It's subconscious a little bit, but there's a little disappointment. And then every time you match them and then you reach out to them and they don't write back, that feels like rejection. Or they write back and then the conversation stalls. That feels like rejection. None of this is in reality rejection. Because in reality what is happening is who the fuck knows? You know what I'm saying?

Like they maybe haven't been on the apps for a couple days. Maybe they're going through it with their like fuck buddy or their situationship. Who knows why they got on the apps in the first place? Maybe they weren't in the right like headspace to date. You know what I'm saying? Maybe they have a lot apps in the first place. Maybe they weren't in the right headspace to date. You know what I'm saying? Maybe they have a lot of anxiety and reluctance. None of these things we're actually thinking about when we're not getting the validation

we're hoping for when we're on dating apps. So I think it's always a good reminder to just keep that in mind. That all being said, yeah, the fact that you're asking a question, amazing. But yeah, just come up with a couple different ones. I also, one thing I like is like, send me, you have one YouTube video to send me to make a first impression of you like and just like see what they send because i feel like the key is like trying to think of a question that's

really open-ended but not to like putting someone on the spot where they could definitely like i really like what halloween costume are you most proud of because it's like you get a window into like their personality what they think is funny but it's also like they can think very clearly like what are the various halloween costumes so i feel like youtube video is kind of fun because like everybody has a youtube video they play when like you're at that weird phase of the night where everyone's like going around putting on youtube videos yeah and i think uh in general a lot of men like the combination of a little bit of like snark and sass. Like you don't want to, don't tease them or criticize them,

but like challenge them away. Like show, like, like Amanda said, like, Hey, show me something that proves me something to you. You know,

like put them on the spot a little bit. Like, don't be afraid to like, you know, ask them a hot take sports question. Like, Oh, or like,

Oh, you seem like a guy who thinks Notre Dame is an amazing football program. You know, and if you like Notre Dame, fine. Oh, that's good. Whatever it is. But like. Nick and I are about to fight.

Yeah. Because like, it's either like with Notre Dame, you're either like, it's like being a Yankees fan. You either hate them or you love them. So like it's, but it can get like a good conversation going. And yeah, so don't be afraid to like playfully tease about like things that like shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings.

But yeah, I like Amanda's idea about sending me a video about like that. But just keep it conversational. Okay. Like send me a YouTube video that will make me want to keep talking to you.

Yeah. No. Oh, that's a good line. That's a good, make me want to keep talking to you. But they haven't talked at all. I think it's fine. I had a visceral rant.

You might, yeah, it definitely might. Allie and I have very different dating styles, so grain of salt. I think that's, listen, if you're that, if you think that kind of energy, if you'd like to have a playful, if you want to find a guy who can like have that type of like playful banter with,

and that's okay. If that's not who you are, then I wouldn't't do that you know if if you don't like if you're not trying to attract a sarcastic dick and i don't mean dick like a jerk but like you know who's an you want a nice guy who every once in a while can like throw a little sass your way that will catch that type of person it will also turn off someone who's more you know sensitive and a little bit more you know not that person so like ask the type of questions for the people you want to attract. But I do think in general, most guys like it when you challenge them a little bit, but there's a difference between a little bit and being mean.

Don't be mean. Yeah. Also, if you're looking for a question that's a little like potentially softer, two things you can do either the best gift you've ever received, because then if they say something really thoughtful, that's always like very like a lovely window into them or like the gift you're most proud of like giving. I get that there's kind of a little bit risk there not wanting to look like, what are you going to get me when we're dating? But like, I do think it is a really cool insight into sometimes like seeing the ways that people can be really thoughtful for like loved ones in their life. Yeah, I like thoughtful questions that anyone can like have a conversation about and to see their willingness to like even just talk,

you know, just to have an opinion about something. I want, I would literally, I want to give a TED talk and it's just going to be this one sentence. Pick anything in their profile, any of their interests, and then say, Mary, fuck, kill, three opposite. So if they're like, I'm interested in space, be like, Mary, fuck, kill, Mercury, Jupiter, Saturn. Like any single're like space, I'm interested in space. Be like, Merry fuck kill Mercury, Jupiter, Saturn,

like any single thing that like they show a passion in, pick three of those things, say, Merry fuck kill. And it will instantly start a conversation about like how they, why they feel the way they do about that. That's perfect. Love it.

That's really good. Thank you. Was that helpful? Very helpful. Very, very helpful. Well, uh, give it a try.

Let us know if we helped your dating life or ruined it uh in the future i'll keep you updated uh yeah we'd love some updated notes on uh on how that how this all works for you but uh yeah also just keep take breaks when you need to take breaks i think that's also really important when it comes to dating apps they can like you're gonna get fatigued like anything else it is a means to an end. And usually with things with a means to an end, we have to like remember that like they can like have fatigue and wear us out. So like, you know, take a week off or something like that and come back, you know, refresh a picture.

I've taken a lot of breaks and have been on there last months to a year in the most non-intentional way. I want to change that, which is why I want to refresh it. Yeah. So maybe you come back a little bit more intentional and then take breaks when you feel a little fatigued rather than being on forever. It sounds like for the past year, you've been on it as a time waster. Kind of like, yeah, I'll go on or whatevs. And like, I don't really give a shit and I don't care. And I get it. I think we do that because, again, these are like rejection apps in reality. And so it's the best way to try to protect yourself is to not care. And I get it. I think we do that because, again, these are like rejection apps in reality.

And so it's the best way to try to protect yourself is to not care, right? So just remember you're not being rejected and then be a little more intentional. Take breaks when you need and update your stuff and let us know. Thank you so much. This is really helpful. All right. Thanks so much. Good luck. Good luck. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknick at castmedia.com.

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