The Viall Files - E495 Ask Nick - Do You Want a Project or Do You Want a Boyfriend?

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

Welcome back to another juicy and exciting episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back again to bring on our callers and help give them advice as they navigate relationships and situationships. We kick things off by catching up on “Dating with Ali” and discussing whether or not people have a favorite ex and if you have to call someone from a situationship an ex as well. We then bring on our callers! First, we talk with someone who recently ended a relationship of two years because her boyfriend never introduced her to his parents. With other situations where her boyfriend was never willing to be emotionally vulnerable, she wonders if there is a way to properly get closure and let him know that she still cares for him. Our next caller is struggling with her current girlfriend being super close friends with her ex-fiancée. Feeling that pet names aren’t typically platonic, our caller wonders how to clearly state her discomfort to her girlfriend, who seems offended that our caller has an issue with this friendship. Our last caller caught her boyfriend snapchatting tons of women on his phone. After our caller is directly messaged by a girl that supposedly slept with this man, our caller wonders how to move on from this situation.  “Don’t expect them to love you the way you want to be loved”  If you are interested in running a book club in your city, send an email to: [e-mail]  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Match Dating App: If you Do You — you already know the best relationships show up when you show up for yourself first. There’s never been a better time to try Match. Download the Match app today.  Grammarly: The right tone can move any project forward when you get it just right with Grammarly. Go to http://www.grammarly.com/tone to download and learn more about Grammarly Premium’s advanced tone suggestions. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, we've got a secret. This podcast is supported by Apples Never Fall, a chilling new mystery series from the author of Big Little Lies, starring Annette Bening, Sam Neill, Jake Lacey, and Alison Brie. It's sure to get people talking. What dark secrets lurk in this family? Tune in on March 21st to find out. Apples Never Fall, exclusively on W Network and Stack TV. What's going on, everybody?

Welcome back to another exciting episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm nick he's enunciating is that was it was a quick quipped little why you gotta call my call me out like that we didn't say it was bad well i know but that implies all the other times. It was bad. Because I thought I was just talking, you know? It's like... We have a great episode. So look, he's walking straight.

Congratulations. The intros where we have like little silences at the beginning, I feel like turn into the most unhinged and fun. Okay, well, here we go. Happy Halloween, everybody. I hope your weekend was safe and whatever your sexy costume was, hopefully it was a big hit.

Or if it wasn't sexy. Or if I was being facetious. What were you, Nick? I don't know what I was yet because we recorded this before Halloween. Okay, so you're a last-minute costume guy. Definitely a last-minute costume guy. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Roger Rabbit.

That seems to be Natalie's top contender. Yeah. Allie, for those of you who don't know, as career development, I've offered the opportunity for Allie and Amanda to pick courses to invest in and take with a strong caveat. Is that what I'm saying? Caveat?

Caveat. Caveat, I think. It was like, take whatever you want. I highly recommend improv. Well, to Allie, it was like, I highly recommend improv. To me, you were like, you can do improv, but you could also do social media or something. I was hoping they would tackle their things that I thought they might want to work on. But Amanda so graciously has signed up improv with Allie because Allie is reluctant, but also willing to go.

I showed up. I was there. You had one class. I did it. You're doing it. Yep. What did you learn? I was dreading it the whole way there.

I called my sister and I was like. Was it as bad as you thought? No, it was long, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. Okay. I don't like feeling trapped in places where I can't leave. And then my sister was like, you're not actually trapped. You could just up and leave. And I was like, huh, that's true. Yeah. I mean, you can leave now. That is true.

You can always leave. Yeah. Unless. So we got there, made a friend with a girl in the elevator. So I sat next to her. I was like, buddy sister. Was Amanda not there? Oh my God. I had the most ridiculous. I wasn't going to go into it because it would monopolize the whole intro. I had the most chaotic weekend. You were late? Yeah, because I was driving back from Joshua Tree for a wedding and we missed the ceremony to this wedding. Timing was cursed this weekend and it wasn't my fault. Was it you? No, it wasn't my fault. I was not driving.

I mean, Amanda is the resident late person between the two. Wait, that's, okay. I- Between the two. One single time. Especially in between the three of us. I was here before Allie this morning. I'm just saying. I say one time- Allie and I have never missed a ceremony. It's never going to happen. No, I would never miss a wedding. I've never missed a flight. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have absolutely invasive ADD. We have to take on you once in a while. You made fun of me talking to start this episode.

That's fair. Well, I complimented you talking. You made fun of me. It'd be like if I was on time and you were like, congratulations, Amanda. You were on time. Good for you. So Amanda was late. So you were forced to make a friend so Amanda was late so you were forced

to make a friend so first day of class I made a friend Amanda comes for moral support and she doesn't even show up on time Amanda shows up

20 minutes late with like so many bags it was really like I show up she was a bag lady with so many bags oh god you were with like a backpack

like three purses because you have your fancy purse that you bring to the wedding your typical one me and you were like on the improv this is my 19th improv class yeah so I was like I don't give a fuck money well spent thanks Nick

alright so you made a friend made a friend she was nice I liked her good times it's a pretty good group I think You made a friend. Made a friend. She was nice. I liked her. Yeah. Good times. It's a pretty good group, I think. Not forgetting about the time and how long it was. What was your favorite and least favorite thing of the class? What did you learn and what was something that you're just going to have to deal with?

I can... That was the question for Allie. No, I know. I was just going to expose something she said. What did I say? That I thought was fun and improv. What did I say? That I thought was fun in improv. What did I say? You had to pitch like a coffee shop concept

for one of the exercises and Allie pitched one where everyone's mean to you. She was like, yeah, it was very creative and funky. I'm good on my feet. Like I can whip shit out. So yeah. What was your favorite part before I interrupted the question?

I wish that we would have done the expert panels and been able to do a full... Wait, we should do it now. This is my nightmare. Okay, we did that game where it's like you're an expert. Do we have tequila here? But you can only answer one word at a time. That was my frustration. I was like, come on.

Like, let me do a sentence. It was like the one word at a time. They're exercises for a reason, Allie. I know. I just want it. I am anxious to get to the next step. What was the, I forgot the game. Okay, I'll show you.

Ask Allie and I a question. No, we're experts on the planet so ask us a question that an expert of planetary science like something we don't actually know anything about we're pretending to be an expert about it's about committing yes see that's the point but give us give us a question about anything they always have a reason for their madness oh i always just assume things are how many it was And it's also to go back and forth How many How many galaxies are there In the universe

In The Universe There Are 40 Million Galaxies

In The Central Located This really brings me back Sun Yay Yeah then they do that

They clap Yeah And then you know There's a lot of clapping going on Well they're there for emotional support Son. Yay! Yeah, they do that. They clap. There was a lot of clapping going on. Well, they're there for emotional support because there's a lot of people like you who are very anxious and afraid and even signing up and showing up was a challenge. I had the biggest brain fart of my entire life. Was it to you or from you

where I was supposed to use the last letter of the word ostrich and I literally couldn't visualize what ostrich, and I'm a good speller usually. What is it, E? No, H, right? Wouldn't it be with a C-H?

But I couldn't visualize what the ch sound was. Ostrich. I didn't mean to. I feel like I really go for it. You threw a lot of words out there. Yeah, so you do a game where it's like you say it's like i would say other and then ali has to start her word with rope and then here and i i was like heimlich she literally said

literally she was whipping out like medical procedures and she said heimlich and the woman next to her was staring at her and she like started it with a k because she had no idea how you spelled heimlich you're not a very generous partner no i know that's not what that's about the funniest moment for me was after i had a brain like the longest brain fart of the entire class of over ostrich we went through a few more rounds and i got the letter o and i said ostrich like i it was the only word it's just a lot of ostriches happening I wasn't being a dick I wasn't being like uh what's the

disassociative establishmentarianism you know that word that like someone in fourth grade would like march up to you and be like do you know the longest word

in the alphabet supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is that in the dictionary no it's the Mary Poppins oh I know I'm not obtuse like I know that I don't obtuse. I know that.

I don't know. Maybe you didn't know. This is going to be great for you. The more I hear about it, the more I'm excited. You just have to have the right mindset. They're teaching you valuable life skills. Okay. They are.

All right. Especially someone who, you can't really make a mistake. The only mistake you can make in improv, I feel like is to judge yourself. And to be rigid, I feel like. Yeah. But it teaches you how to think on your feet. It teaches like,

you know, that moment when you said like the whole ostrich thing, like those are like moments where we panic under pressure and that helps us not. I also, I think it just makes you feel so connected to people. I think we're going to feel deeply connected. Aren't we already? Yes.

Even more so. Yeah. This is going to be such a journey. Every week we're going to get updates on Allie's improv experience. What else is new? I'm going to borrow a segment from Dylan Mulvaney where she goes, dating with Dylan or Dylan does dating. See, I already fucked it up. But I need a

fun, I want like a neon sign like in Vegas. I DM'd her to come on the show. She didn't answer? No. Well, anyways, I'm going to steal that from Dylan and if she wants it back, she can come on the show. Allie does dating. Allie does dating. I had

a feeling about this one guy. I knew the type of dude he was and how a date would go and nick said give him a chance and it was exactly like i thought it would go on facetime though yes thank god oh my god to talk about someone feeling trapped i that would have been me on that date it was a lot that's why facetime and zoom dates i'm telling you this is a great screener because it's a long hour i'm not gonna lie why didn't you cut it short um i will say i was very proud of myself and i was like nick would be proud of myself in this scenario because like you know you start out and i'm the type of person who never

wants to like be rude like we talked about sending food back and all that stuff and then i was finally just getting so frustrated where i like said something and he completely like blew over me and just started like on another rant and I was like no that's not what I meant you just assumed what I meant you didn't even like ask me a question and blah blah blah and he's like no no and I'm like you're not listening to me and he said I'm listening to you and went on a whole nother rant and then he goes but fine tell me what you think and I was like no ask me a question like say like how do you feel about like what do you mean this sounds like such a contentious and he goes no and he goes i'm sorry i didn't realize this was fucking jeopardy i'll take what do you think for 400 and i was like

we're done i mean i didn't say we're done but i was like this is so great why didn't you just at the end of it he in the end of it he said he just wanted to hook up and he's like just looking for physical things and then he was like but if you want something serious, that's OK. And I was like, oh, gee, thanks. Hold on to your kilts, dearies. Peacock original The Traitors is back with a new season of strategy, betrayal, sabotage and murder. This killer season features an all new celebrity cast that Vulture hailed as reality royalty living in a Scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition. We're talking fierce competitors, reality stars, and public figures battling it out for a whopping

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What are you doing? What do you mean? I'm making it. Just keep it simple. I'm making the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say, hey, we're the Brav Bros. Two guys that talk about Bravo.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the Brav Bros. No. Oh. Dude, stop with the voice. Just keep it simple. I've seen promos on TV, dude. This is how you get the fans engaged. This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get listeners here. If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it simple. I've seen promos on TV, dude. This is how you get the fans engaged. This is how you get listeners.

We're trying to get listeners here. If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it already. We need some oomph. All right, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice. Bravo, bros. Good job.

Goodbye. I never want to be too rude because I don't want anyone like come back years later and be like, she was a bitch. That's my greatest fear. That's your greatest fear? No, fish. Put behind fish. People thinking you might have been a bitch? Like, I don't know.

I don't want someone to like come back and be like, she was awful. Oh, I totally relate to that about worrying about any kind of conflict somehow getting blown up or twisted. Oh, yeah. We live in a society now that everyone's just making a TikTok. Well, that's the thing. It's like people make TikToks or they have receipts. I mean, these aren't like text messages that can be screenshotted. But I'm like, I don't know. I was proud of myself for standing my ground and actually saying like, no, that's not what I meant.

And you just assumed what I meant because that is not something that I would typically do. See, that's great. You have a good sense of confidence from a bad date. It was terrible. And then I had another guy that I was texting and then he stopped texting me. And then I was supposed to have another date on Thursday and then he canceled. Allie does dating. Hall of Famers go for three all the time.

Dating is hard, Amanda, is it not? Boy, is it. I made my New Year's resolution to date myself because I really believe that you gotta show up a full person who's emotionally intelligent and emotionally self-aware before you have any hopes of having successful dating. And that is a sentiment that is echoed by Match the Dating App.

They want everybody on that platform to be people who have done the work, who've gone to the therapy, who have done the reflection, maybe read the books, and are dating with intention and who are truly available. Because isn't that what you want when you're on a dating app? Oh my gosh, the amount of people I've encountered who are just not looking for what I want, or you like get on a date with them, or you've been talking with them for days or weeks, and then you suddenly realize you're not on the same page. But that's because they don't have the same caliber of people as the people who are on Match. Yeah, I mean, I mean, so many people out there who aren't their best selves, who aren't comfortable with being

alone or prioritizing friends and things like that. And it feels like it's nice to know that there's a dating app out there that's really prioritizing getting quality people. If you do you, you already know the best relationships show up when you show up for yourself first. Match believes the most important relationship is with yourself. So in a world where you can choose to do anything

or anyone, choose you first because dating someone who knows what they want and won't settle for less, well, that's sexy as hell. There's never been a better time to try Match. Download the Match app today. All right, all you bad spellers out there, if you don't know where commas go, if you don't know where sentence structure is, I don't either. So that's what the people like editors are for in Grammarly. But Grammarly, more importantly, Grammarly is helping people get work done faster. And I have found that the key to being successful in life is just getting really good at and focusing on what

you're good at and then finding other people to do the things that you either don't like or you're not good at. Grammar mistakes can really haunt you. They can send a very wrong message. We've all seen like those screenshots of people who accidentally send the wrong thing or have a typo to a boss or a professor. And you don't want to have to be like pulled in for a meeting because you accidentally sent something that is misspelled or potentially inappropriate because of a typo. The best thing about Grammarly is that it's functional with email. It's functional with if you're iMessaging on your computer, if you're I'm using my work database messaging system, it really integrates into all the various platforms.

And Grammarly, that's where they come in. So when it comes to where communication is key, and even when you don't have a writing job, Grammarly works where you do. So every important project gets done in time. Grammarly Premium's advanced tone suggestion helps communicate confidently with others and move projects forward.

They help with emails. They help with sentence structure. so you look smart and efficient, and people are going to be like, this dummy sent me this email. You don't want that. That's not helping you get promoted. And then, again, tone, inflection, that matters. Grammarly helps with that. I mean, they really make life easier without all the people like me. The right tone can move any project forward when you get it right with Grammarly. So go to grammarly.com slash tone to download and learn more about the Grammarly Premium's advanced tone suggestions. That's g-r-a-m-m-a-r-l-y dot com slash tone. Advanced spelling, grammar, punctuation, and conscious

suggestions to ensure your writing is professional, mistake-free, and clear. Do you think people have favorite exes? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think it's a favorite from the one I hate the least or actual favorite exes? Yeah. Is it like the one that I hate the least at present or the one who I treasure our relationship memories the most? Oh. And to what degree? Is that okay? Is that okay?

And if, if truly getting over someone is being indifferent, should you have a favorite ex? If you're still like in each other's lives, it's like hard not to, I don't know. Well, I mean, if you're still like in each other's lives it's like hard not to i don't know well i mean if you're friends yeah then i guess like i was just talking to wedding guy the other day i was like this is a nice rapport wait what i thought you were gonna block him yeah what

no that was no oh that was new promising young man that was a red flag that you gave him that name i don't think that was like a just me situation. I definitely did not give him that name. No, you didn't. You 100% gave him that name. Yeah, I do feel like that was a nickname you were really pushing. What did you call him? Promising Young Man?

No, all the fucking tapes. Can I get a nickname to get us started? I heard Promising Young Man. That was not, I'm going to find the tape. 100% Okay, find the tape. Okay. It doesn't count.

That's not work. By way no way finding the tape i'm already far over my hours this week so we're fine yeah favorite x's i don't know yeah i feel like i only have one like real x like boyfriend like boyfriend x but i feel like if i count all of my what's the one that moved in next to your old place? Yeah, that's the real X. Okay. Yeah. Should we call him the real X? No. No. Well, that's what I'm saying. The real X is

from like not here. Oh. I don't know. I feel like with new girl, I feel X feelings about her in terms of like the level of tenderness and like intensity. As you should. She is an ex. Yeah, we talked about it for a while.

Yeah. Yeah. It's just like, I don't know. And you don't call someone your girlfriend. I mean, wedding guy wasn't my boyfriend, but I would still call him an ex. Oh, okay. Then maybe that's the real question. When do you get to call someone an ex?

Yeah. An ex? Me? I guess I think I have different standards. What are? I think I've had to have called on my girlfriend then they're otherwise there's someone i dated or like we had a thing yeah it's like language i tend to use we had a thing there's a thing we had a thing natalie hates that phrase for my what would you isn't it easier to just say ex than the person I once had a thing with? I don't know.

Maybe should I just start calling them all my exes? I feel like there's probably... Because someone you go on one date with, no. Let's say I hung out with them for three months. Yeah. If you slept together multiple times, if you went on dates,

if you talked every day. You think Allie would prefer for me to call them an ex rather than like someone i'm not commenting on natalie's preferences okay what would you think i mean i again just like i said i call wedding guy an ex and that's what we did yeah it's interesting i only use breakup language or or it's like kind of i have a specific set of like relationship language where it's like we broke up or if it was someone kind of I have a specific set of like relationship language where it's like we broke up or if it was someone where we didn't really define stuff I'm usually like we ended things even though it's like very subtle difference and then yeah it's if not an ex it's like someone I was seeing it but I but the reason I say that of the whole should we call them an

ex or not is it kind of goes to what you're saying about this with this impact of or with this effect of everybody wanting to have fewer exes or not wanting to define the relationship or not wanting to say i love you like we're starting to really gatekeep that ex boy like the relationship that whatever it is and so i think it makes more sense especially nowadays now you have like 30 exes. Oh my God. If everyone you've, you know. I feel like for, I don't know. This is going on a tangent.

But I'm like the last defined boyfriend I had, I was so young and like we didn't even like sleep together. So I'm like, how is that more of a relationship than an adult relationship where we're like doing all that stuff? Yeah, I guess dating history plays a role into how... Yeah, he was a defined boyfriend, but I wouldn't say it was... I think it's were you attached or not in some capacity. Well, I think it's subjective

is what we learned. It's hard for me, because that's the point. I've had some very serious long-term relationships. So it's hard for me to like call someone i dated for a couple months my ex when you're like i have an ex-fiancee yeah you know or someone i you know dated on and off for seven years but for someone else with who hasn't

experienced that then i would then then it makes sense to just say X. Yeah, I think, you know, it's personal. We need like an intermediary term, like just like situationship, relationship, X, Y, something. Like when you... My Y. My Y. What's your Y? Well, we have a great episode for you. Don't forget to send in those questions

at asknick at castmedia.com, cast with a K. Don't forget to buy or listen to, or buy, read or listen to, don't text your ex happy birthday. What more can I say? I will keep saying it, but there have been a lot of people, specific for your situationship people out there, a lot of people have written in and told me a lot of inspiring notes about finally getting out of relationships that they weren't happy with and finding that courage within the pages of Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday. But yeah, so if you have a friend or yourself who's been struggling with dating or relationships of any kind, give it a shot. I think you'll enjoy it. Tell your friends. So we have, there are Don't

Text Your Ex Happy Birthday book clubs in LA and Phoenix. We'll be putting information on our socials. You'll probably have seen it already, but look for it at the Vile Files Instagram page. If you want to start a book club in your city and you want us to talk about it or share it or just give the information on our Instagram, send it. They're kind of like show-sponsored book clubs. Not everyone will, but also if you start a book club, even with just some friends, and you guys ever do a Zoom, shoot the information.

I may pop in. I'll try to make as many as I can, but I'm not going to say I'm going to pop into everyone, but I'll do my best. And what's the email for the book club, Allie? The email is, God, lasik d-t-y-e-h-b book club at gmail.com that is d-t-y-e-h-b book club at gmail.com it's don't text your ex happy birthday at gmail.com but just the first letter of each word. Correct. So email us if you want to run a book club in a major city, or if you just want to do it with your friends, let us know.

Other than that, we'll be with you Wednesday and Thursday this week for Bachelor Recap and our Going Deeper. Davis Burleson is recapping Bachelor in Paris with us, and Going Deeper is one you won't want to miss. That's all I'm going to say right now. Okay. Yeah. Happy Halloween.

How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Kate and I'm 32. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Kate and I'm 32. How can we help Kate? My boyfriend, who is now an ex of two years, never introduced me to his family. And I'm wondering if I was too hasty in making a decision to end it with him.

Okay. So this ended two years ago or you dated for two years? I gave it two years. Okay. When did you break up? A month ago today. A month ago today. A month ago today. Happy anniversary. Thank you. And that was the main reason that you broke up with him is that he never introduced you

to his family. It was a reason. There were other reasons as well, but it definitely didn't help. Why don't you give us a little backstory? Sure. And then we'll go into the questions. For sure. The backstory is an important thing to know is that my ex is from East Africa.

I am a white American. He moved here. He was very young with his family. He's been here for over 20 years. Cultural differences were definitely present in the relationship. A lot of them were wonderful and beautiful and added a lot to the relationship. But there are other factors that made it very difficult. Some of them were that the values that we had were similar values, but we equated them differently.

He was very motivated with success around career and money, building a future. with success around career and money, building a future. I'm very focused on just being a good person, following my desires and my dreams in life, and building a good, happy life. He also had some problems sharing affection. PDA, never held my hand, wouldn't really introduce me as his girlfriend, had a challenging time saying, I love you. All of those are kind of side effects from his upbringing. And then on top of that, yeah, he never introduced me to his family that lived only 10 minutes away. Wow, they lived 10 minutes away. Yeah. And that you never met them.

And I'm assuming you asked to have met them at some point. Yes. Yeah. And what was his response to that? So it was kind of a slow burn in regards to establishing a serious relationship with him. Not in that there was anybody else involved. We were committed from day one, but he was very clear from the beginning that it would take him a while to fully trust me and fully engage with the relationship on a deep level.

So I understood that and respected it and gave it its time. But about six months in, I started poking around because he was always talking about his family, always doing things with his family. It's very clear they're a big part of his life. So when I first started asking, we went, we met in 2020. So it was kind of the height of COVID and he would say, no, it's not safe with COVID. And I understood that and respected it. Then it morphed into a past relationship that he had been in. His girlfriend at the time moved in with his family. This was in college and was very disrespectful of his culture at home. And that kind of created a rift. And he was going to be very specific about who he

brought into that space going forward. And then from there, deeper into our relationship, I would ask, he would say, yes, of course, of course, of course. And it just never happened. So he went from having an ex-girlfriend live with him and his family to not being able to introduce a girlfriend at all. Yeah, pretty much. That would bother me. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it definitely hurt. He met my mother many times, definitely became a part of our lives. I integrated into his life in every other way. But for some reason, that just never happened. I work for a refugee advocacy organization. I work heavily in the refugee community here at home. So I'm not a stranger to new cultures. It wasn't something like it would be a problem in that way, but it definitely started to really hurt. Yeah. I mean, I don't know your ex's culture, but regardless of culture, this sounds fairly relatable in terms of someone,

for whatever reason, not choosing to, I mean, really, I guess, trust or just embrace the relationship. And to be clear, you mentioned he struggled introducing you as his girlfriend. But as far as you were concerned, the boundaries were clear in terms of you define the relationship. You were boyfriend and girlfriend. This wasn't like some sort of situationship or you guys were together. He met your family. Yeah. It sounds like, you know, it's easy to say I broke up with my boyfriend because he didn't introduce me to his family. And I, it sounds like maybe that certainly played a role, but the big picture is it sounds like your ex-boyfriend was either unwilling or incapable of taking that next step in that relationship emotionally and really giving and trusting you.

This is a personal choice of mine. I always say I choose to trust. I would rather go into a relationship and not bring any of my things that have happened to me in the past or baggage, as they call it. And if I want to be in a committed relationship, then I am going to choose to trust that person because the alternative for me is not something that I find enjoyable to constantly wonder and be paranoid and question myself. That is a big risk on someone's part, you know, like, you know, to just give your trust freely. And I do that, you know, and I've talked about this a lot. I have great expectations that come with that gift that I give,

which is my trust in terms of how to maintain that trust and how to, you know, keep it going. But I think that's a personal choice. I think a lot of people would disagree with me in terms of their ability to do that. I find that to be the healthiest for me because, again, when you start thinking about the alternative, the alternative is more closer in line to what your ex has demonstrated. He seems to be more of the extreme, which is like you start putting up these walls

or boundaries with people for things that someone in your past did that people in your present have to deal with. And that ultimately, I think that can ruin a good thing. And we're seeing that here. I don't think you were too hasty because you didn't just break up with him because he didn't introduce you to his parents. You broke up with him because he was unwilling to take the next step emotionally with you and was unwilling to build that emotional

connection and unwilling to solidify trust between the relationship. Did conversations around trust ever come up? Like when you asked him why these other times, he referenced trust. He referenced, it's going to take me a lot to trust you. Did you ever feel like you got to that place? He must have started trusting you more, but were there other disconnects in the relationship when it came to trust? I don't know if trust was the big problem. I think it was more maybe trusting himself to become vulnerable and what that meant to allow someone into that level to be able to hurt him the way that he had been hurt in the past. I think he's very much the kind of person who guards himself at all costs from feeling negative feelings,

quote unquote, you know, scary feelings that you can allow yourself to feel from giving to someone on that level. Another big thing that he would constantly reinforce with me was you would say he had concerns about me in regards to my financial stability, my drive, my career drive, all these things that are not actually a problem in my life. But he, in his upbringing and how he orients himself to the world, really cares about those things and really sees those as being the fundamentals to a strong relationship. So he would pepper those in on a somewhat frequent basis. And it definitely would make me feel like I was always trying to prove to him that I was enough or that he could trust me to be a long-term partner that could stand on my own two feet. So there are multi

layers to it. In regards to the trust that I guess you would think of in terms of like fidelity and things like that, there was no problem with any of that. Yeah. I don't mean it specific to infidelity. I mean it more on the grand scheme of things like you just described, like trust is more than just like, don't fuck anyone else type of thing. I don't sleep with someone else. Or just, it sounded like he couldn't get to a place where he could trust being vulnerable with you. He couldn't trust that, that you weren't going to hurt him. As someone who has been hurt before, I don't walk around thinking there's just no way my current girlfriend is not going to hurt me. I just know I've survived. It's not your job to convince him of this. I mean, honestly, I think you should pat yourself

on the back and I think you did the right thing. And I think it sounds like this is a really hard decision to end a relationship with someone that it sounds like in a lot of ways was a really good relationship and someone you really cared about. And I think there's a lot of people out there who would continue to make excuses for this type of behavior, especially if there's a lot of other good things that are in the relationship. I think people really struggle with that of really valuing, you know, having fun and good chemistry and they generally treat you right. And that's all nice. But it sounds like to me, you started paying attention to how this disconnect or his inability to trust you with his heart was weighing on you and how that

eventually made you feel as a partner and how it brought a greater disconnect in the relationship. Yeah, I would say it's pretty accurate. And you're definitely right. I mean, it started coming into my mind of kind of like, when does patience become complacency? And I'm not fresh out of college. I don't have, you know, six plus years to wait on someone to get to that point. And we had had all the conversations. I guess something that's been really weighing on me a lot is when you have the conversations about a future with someone and you see that future and you're in that future and then the future never happens like how do you let go of the future that you've created with someone on an emotional level in a space in which there is a universe in which that maybe existed and then all of a sudden that doesn't yeah i think you i think you lean into the thing that you

weren't getting you know being with someone in a relationship that is supposed to be your ride and die your partner that you're supposed to be able to trust etc etc and always feeling there's a just like holding back on really giving themselves to you and vice versa and then when when you feel someone not doing that with you it makes you reluctant to want to do that with them it's like oh man like you don't want to share this with me you You don't, you don't trust me. It's like, what's the reason why should I be not trusting you? It's just, it can create a lot of questions and a lot of confusion and a lot of insecurities in a relationship that I think snowball. I think this type of issue can like bleed into other problems in a relationship. So playing house or talking about your future,

I think you just, I think you get over it by, you know, like, hey, like I did a really hard thing. This was hard for me to do. And I, but I did it because I know it's important, you know, and I know it's important to not feel this way. And I know it's important to have these types of interpersonal relationships and relationship with family. And it's a priority to me. So I need to prioritize the things that are important to me. And, you know, we we talk all the time on the show about prioritize the things that you prioritize, which sounds almost obvious and stupid, but I don't think we do that a lot. I think we make lists of things we like. We don't often prioritize how people make us feel.

And even when we say, I want to prioritize being made to feel this way i want to prioritize this feeling we often don't enforce it and we don't go for it and you did so now you know it's important you know now granted there's a lot of bad partners who will introduce you to their parents the first day yeah so there's that too but i listen i i just think you you just know it's a priority for you you bring it up when you start dating again to someone who, you know, let that be a red flag for the next person you date. Who is this like, you know, maybe if you met someone who was cheated on or hurt by a partner, I would challenge yourself to figure out how to have those conversations with these people sooner rather than later and just kind of figure out whether this person is the type of person who is going to need a ton of hand-holding. What kind of person is this type of person who can

on some level to say, you know what, you're not the person who hurt me. Trust on some level is a choice. I hope that you earn your trust with me in the sense that we all have to, even if I give trust freely, right? I meet someone, I give them trust. Well, as soon as I start hanging out with them, I'm evaluating whether that was a smart decision or not. Yeah. You know? And so it's this kind of almost semantics too. And I say, well, I trust as a choice. I give my trust freely, but like it's, it doesn't remain free. I started evaluating pretty quickly whether I should pull back or give more trust. And so you can do that, right? You can start prioritizing this in your next relationships. And I think a red flag would be someone who says things like, well, you're going to need to earn my trust. I think if you

reflect back, your ex-boyfriend saying that to you was a red flag. And at the time you were thinking, oh, well, you know, that makes sense. You know, yeah, I'll earn your trust. I'm a trusting person, so no problem. But it sounded like he said it in such a kind of, there was an opportunity for you to be like, well, what do you mean by that? Like, what happened in the past and why? And then just maybe have a conversation with someone, non-confrontational. And maybe that's a good first date, third to third, you know, maybe not first date, but it's a good date conversation. What does this mean to you? We don't often talk about what things mean to us. Well, you know, trust, you know, you're going to have to earn my trust. Oh, really? Okay. What does this mean to you? We don't often talk about what things mean to us. Well, you know, trust, you know, you're going to have to earn my trust. Oh, really? Okay. What

does that mean to you? You've been hurt before? Why do you think that? And without getting in some sort of debate or huge discussion, you can figure out how someone really feels about a situation and why they feel that way. And then you can decide for yourself, well, that really sounds like this person, you know, this hypothetical person in the future, that will help you give a better indicator whether that person is like your ex who really is going to struggle with ever trusting anyone because they were hurt before. Especially maybe, my guess is your ex wasn't in therapy. No, no, he was not. We've talked about him going, but he, culturally, that's not a thing. And so he doesn't really understand it. So in the future, someone brings it up, but maybe they're more open to therapy, then yeah,

it's a red flag, but you're like, hey, they'll work through it. Because we all have been hurt, and we've all struggled with getting over that hurt, and we've all been guilty of projecting it onto the people in the future. So just because someone says that, and I think it's a very normal thing to say, well, you're going to have to earn my trust. But I think diving into what that means will help you in the future dating. And then as far as letting... I'm curious, have you talked to your ex at all in the past month or two? So this is another thing I wanted to talk to you about. No, we have not spoken to each other. We haven't seen each other. So the breakup was very quick. It was like less than

five minutes and he was out the door kind of. He was obviously in a lot of pain and immediately blocked me on everything, which at first I took as him kind of throwing it back in my face. But now in retrospect, I understand why. It was a self-preservation tactic and it probably helped us more than it did us harm. We haven't seen each other. We haven't spoken, but there is a chance that I am going to see him this coming week at an event that I will be at that he will probably be at as well. I've struggled a lot this last month with feeling a lot of pain for him.

He is the type of person who holds all of this in, doesn't really have an outlet in going through this kind of experience. He's the type of person who is very selective about who he lets into his life. And I was the person that would be there for him through difficult times. And I have a wonderful support system and an amazing community that's really helped me process a lot of this. And I really am struggling in that I so badly want to let him know that there's no hard feelings on my end or that no one did anything wrong. No one was mean or malicious. And that I just so badly... I don't expect us to be friends, but I just so badly want him to know that I really appreciated the two years we had together. We went through a lot of really intense things together

and that I really cared for him and just respect him and respect the time we've had. And I don't really know how or when to do something like that. Do you think he understands why you broke up with him? I think if he does understand, he won't admit it to himself because it requires him being introspective and it requires him taking responsibility for things that I had asked him to do many times. And I did actually break up with him a few months before this. We broke up for two weeks and then went on a walk, had a conversation, and I told him everything that I needed for him to do for the relationship to continue. He said he would do them. He hadn't done them three months later.

And I ended it again. Okay. You're not his support system anymore. And I know that pains you. And that is sad because especially if you don't think he has it with other places and you were that person, I can understand why you feel a sense of responsibility almost even, you know, like, hey, I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be okay. Like I got to be there for him because that would be cruel not to,

I don't think you should. That's just my non-expert opinion here. But I think you clearly have communicated to him why you broke up with him. Sounds like you even gave him multiple chances. Those were his choices. He's an adult. He's educated. He's smart. He is resistant to wanting to grow or heal or both. I think you just unfortunately need to let it go. I think if you wanted to do anything, maybe a letter. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. That you mail or something or email or something like that, something more formal and not part of your traditional communication process. I would be very careful how you write that. Don't worry about it sounding too direct. I would keep it relatively brief. I just want to say, you're ultimately just going to reiterate

what you've already shared. And and the letters coming from a place of just how much you cared about him yeah and you can say something like i don't know i don't want to assume how you're feeling or hurting or feeling this isn't for me either and i'm not trying to say this to make you feel bad i just want you to know that i did care about you and this has been hard for me because i had so much hope for us. But ultimately, a relationship can't survive off of hope, is what I talk about a lot. That's about it. And then you just say, as much as I love you, I think maybe just talking about what he didn't give you is important because you could say, as much as all these things, you made me feel this, you made me feel great,

great, hit him with what you did make me feel. Yeah. But at the end of the day, I want to grow my connection with their family. I want to feel like they can trust me with their heart. I want to feel like I don't want to constantly have my current relationship suffer from the choices of people I don't even know. You know, stuff like that. I mean, again, you really have the risk of getting in the weeds with this letter. So be careful because I don't, it's like the goal of this

letter should be to articulate how you felt about him, to give him a sense of you didn't abandon him. Yeah. I could see yourself worrying about, well, his last girlfriend broke up with him, broke his heart. And now I'm breaking up with him and I'm abandoning him. So I'm just adding to this feel of not being able to trust someone because ultimately he's going to trust him, but he didn't trust himself. He wasn't willing to do the work. So just be careful there. But once you, if you're writing this letter and you're trying to come up with ways to make sure he understands it, articulate it, you've gone too far. Yeah, for sure. Because you shouldn't be trying to explain yourself or convince him in

this letter. It's just simply one more quick reminder. You were special to me. You cared about me. I wish this could have made it work. Rearticulate that the things I have articulated in the past are the things that I will be looking forward in the future, but like you are wonderful. And I hope that you can find the ability to X, Y, and Z get these things. If I do see him on this week, like how should I go about that?

There's no, I mean, there's no perfect way. Yeah. It's too fresh to walk up to them and do the... Like if this was someone that you were still upset about or... Because it sounds like you have a sense of power and control over this situation. You might be sad, but like you...

As much as possible at this point. You know it's the right thing for you. You know it's what's best for you. Yeah. And that is a lot of power. I hate the thought of us pretending like we don't know each other. It might be the best solution i mean because like what are the alternatives you walk up to them and pretend

nothing's wrong hey how's it going you treat them like a high school friend hey good to see you all right we'll hope as well see you later you know and i don't want you to start pretending everything's fine that could be confusing to both of you. That's what most people do. You just kind of get back in the swing of things. It would be very easy for you guys to see each other and then all of a sudden act like you're not broken up and then flirt and then act like everything's fine. And then one of you says, and most likely him,

would be some comment around like, see how good this is, see how much fun we have together or whatever that is, some version of that. I don't know him, but I'm saying a lot of people would do that. For sure. Yeah. So we live in a really small town and there are going to be instances for sure in the future when we are in the same place. And he's definitely the kind of person to go more towards you're out of my life and you're out of my life because of the massive wall he has around himself to protect his heart. I don't know,

like, do you foresee, and I know this is probably coming from a wounded place inside of me, but do you foresee him ever reflecting and being like, oh man, I fucked up. Maybe, but that's the type of work that you're talking about is going to take

time. Yeah, for sure. Even if he came back in a month and said, I'm going to therapy, take me back. It would still be a risk. Yeah. Because you don't know if he's following through with this therapy and he's certainly not the product that you want him to be. He's just starting that journey. Yeah. It would be very tempting, I'm sure, for you to, I mean, God, if he called you up and said, I've been seeing therapy, I'd love to introduce you to my parents, I can only imagine the challenge that would be for you to, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to answer. Maybe, you know, there are exceptions to every rule. I'm not a big believer in getting back with exes, but all I'm saying is he has some work to do and it's

just not a matter of going to a couple therapy sessions. Yeah. And so you would have to figure out just how committed he is this to get you back or is this to like actually do the work because he finally realizes he can't keep losing special people in his life. And he finally recognizes that despite his frustration in you and you walking away from the relationship, he put you in this position and that wasn't fair for you. And while you have spent a lot of time empathizing with his feelings and needs, it doesn't sound like he's spent a whole lot of time empathizing with how you might be feeling during this breakup. And while he has to take care of his heart and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, it doesn't mean you haven't been hurting and doesn't mean you haven't been really sad about this and really torn up about it.

And you might have a great support system too, but the person you want support from the most isn't there to support you. And that must be really hard. Yeah. I really appreciate you saying that. Yeah. It's been, it's so hard to be in a space where you feel like there was no other choice, but the choice you had to made was the last thing you wanted to do.

It's such a weird and twisted. It's so hard. It's so hard. But I think you should be really proud of yourself because so many people can't do that. And you saved yourself a lot of future heartache and pain. You did the rare thing of prioritizing how you need someone to treat you and how they make you feel for the long term. And you deprioritized feeling validated and special or thinking that they would change one day for you. You started looking at their actions and you made a very difficult decision that's really hard to do. And if you can keep doing that and replicating that, you're going to find your person and your happiness. You will.

Like now in the future, you'll just get good. You'll get better at having these conversations earlier on and kind of vetting through these red flags that people show us early on. And but in the meantime, when you run into them, just get through it. Really, just be polite and get through it. It's not going to be fun. It is what it is. And just maybe just say if you if you talk to them, it's really nice to see you. I hope you're doing well and keep it

short. Yeah, totally. Yeah. So I wanted to like, you were really, you were responsible for the, a lot of the emotional having lifting of this, of that relationship and that can be taxing and I'm keeping it real. You're, you're still doing it for the relationship. You know, you writing that letter is you still doing the emotional lifting for that relationship. And while I'm not saying it's like the end of the world, if you write it, I don't know if it's your job. It sounds like the more you talk, the more you have said all there is to say, and there's nothing new for you to write. Well, keep us posted. Let us know how this thing plays out. Okay. All right. Take care.

That's good. Bye-bye. Bye. How's it going? It's going good. How are you? Good. What's your name?

My name is Sophia and I'm 29. How can we help Sophia? So my girlfriend is best friends with her ex-fiance and I've been feeling really uncomfortable around it. So I kind of wanted to get a little bit of your perspective on what to do. Okay. So your girlfriend is friends with her ex-fiance. How long have they been ex-fiances? Around five years. Five years ago, they ended an engagement?

Yeah. And while that relationship was going on, was it healthy, toxic, all of the above? When it ended, how did you feel about it ending? Yeah. My girlfriend, she ended up cheating on her. And that's why it ended. Your girlfriend was cheated on? No, no, no.

She was the one that did the cheating. She did the cheating? Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah. And then they stopped communication for like six months. And then they reconnected now they're just like best friends like more than you'd think they have like nicknames for each other um she comes to every family function like thanksgiving christmas um and they're always just like talking each other every single day but there's no as far as you

know they're not hooking up yeah as far as far as I know, they're not. They're just best friends. Are you friends with this person? Their friend? Kind of. Like we, sometimes we hang out together, but there's still that, a little bit of a distance. Have you asked her about it? Yes.

She just said she looks at her like a sister, which is weird, right? I don't know. So these are two women? Yes. Okay. So your girlfriend is now friends with her ex-fiance. And yeah, so what have you asked your girlfriend about this? I mean, we've had a lot of fights around it, right? About her always talking on the phone with her, texting her.

She goes to her house all the time without inviting me. She comes to Thanksgiving, Christmas. Everyone loves her. They have like friends together that knew them as couples. So I feel like I'm kind of always measured like in a competition in some way, but it could also be me. No, you're definitely not the problem here. You're being put in a position of feeling like a third wheel when you are the one in a relationship with your girlfriend.

It sounds like. Yeah. Yeah. Were they friends when you met? Yeah. They were best friends before we met. Okay. So timeline, they were engaged. Your girlfriend cheated on her ex-fiance. her ex-fiance. A month or so later goes by, they became friends. And then you guys met how long later? I would say like four years later. Four years later, you meet. This is an interesting one because it's four years later. I've brought this up a couple of times, but I've had two relationships. And when I've had two relationships. And when I say relationships, friendships. We weren't engaged, so that's different. I didn't cheat on anyone.

And so there's a lot of differences. But there are two women I dated briefly and we hooked up. And then it just didn't work out. We were just like, it was new, like whatever. And then we just stopped. Time went by, a couple months, we reconnected, and we just kind of became friends. We're just like, hey, we're not romantically, we're not a thing, but you're cool, and let's just hang out. And we became true friends. We became very close. But the difference is,

and I think this might paint a picture for you, is, for example, we were very platonic friends. paint a picture for you is, you know, for example, we were very platonic friends. There was no, and we were very, while we were very single, we would talk about dates. We would give each other advice. We would never cross any boundaries. There was no, we wouldn't flirt. I wouldn't like conveniently like crash at her place or vice versa if we went out and it got late. Like it was never like that. We just, it was important to us to have a friendship and have these boundaries. But the reality is when I got a girlfriend or I started seeing someone else with those friendships,

I saw them less. And it's not because either of us were disingenuous about our friendship and how it was platonic at this point. But nevertheless, and I'm a strong believer in this, if we are single, we have more, I guess, space in our heart and time to do things with other people. So I was having a lot of dinner dates with my platonic girlfriends, and we would hang out, or we would go on walks, and we would go to movies together. And we would hang out or we would go on walks and we would go to movies together. And one might say, well, you go on walks, you go to dinner, you must be like dating. I'm like, no, literally, trust me, we're just friends. I did feel comfortable with them. I invest that time and then building a romantic connection, I just had less time to hang out with them. And it was just, it was a, just kind of, it is what it is kind of thing. We were still friends. And now it's more like, I haven't seen you in a while.

How you been? And this is, these are friends. And even with friends, I have other friends that like, there was no, we didn't even hook up with, we didn't hook up with each other. We just were always friends, you know? And there were periods where we'd hang out a lot. And even then I see them less because that time and energy is going into my relationship. And now you're describing regardless. So, you know, forgetting about the fact that you showed up four years later and then they were friends, it's more about what she is prioritizing. You know, it's not that she's friends with her, to me. It's not what I'm hearing. It's that you feel like there are several instances in which you feel deprioritized over the friend.

Yeah, 100%. Like, she gave me an ultimatum. She's kind of like, if you're not okay with my friendship with her, then this is not going to work. Okay. So what do we do with that ultimatum? So have you talked to her specifically about, because I feel like this, I can see why your girlfriend feels like, let's say for argument's sake, your girlfriend thinks she's not doing anything wrong. And for argument's sake, let's assume in the grand scheme of things, she's not, not. She's not cheating on you, it's strictly platonic. Let's assume when you're not there she hasn't crossed any boundaries

that she thinks haven't been crossed, from her perspective, not yours. I could see why she would be frustrated and feel like you are making her, there's a world where she convinced herself you're the toxic one. I don't want, you're not allowing me to hang out with friends like what is that right so i think this really comes down to how you communicate how you feel right because it's not about the fact you have

friends i don't have friends i want you to have friends have women friends have guy friends i don't care i trust you whatever but how make me feel, how you prioritize me versus your friendships, that matters. And I don't care, again, man, woman, it doesn't matter. You are prioritizing them in ways I want you to prioritize me. I want to be in a romantic relationship with someone who I always feel like I'm a top priority, especially when it comes to their interpersonal relationships. I want to be, other than your family, I want to be your top priority. And she might feel differently. I don't know. But you have the right to feel that way. It's not a wrong feeling for you to say that. And that's a very different message than saying you can't be friends with that person.

Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. So I think it comes down to sitting her down and saying, hey, can we talk? I know we've talked Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Now, if she throws that jealousy in your face and tells you that's your problem, then that's a huge red flag. Because if my girlfriend comes to me and says, I'm really, you know, ultimately this is making you insecure. And so I'm, and it's something I've tried recently, Natalie and I have tried this and I think it really helps. And I think it's, I don't know if it's revolutionary or maybe we just started doing it other women people doing it for years. But when you go to your partner and you just, I'm insecure about this and I'm not trying to blame you. I'm just, I'm stating how I feel, but I'd like not to feel this way. And I don't think I'm wrong for wanting to feel like a priority. And I need your help.

I need your help to not feel this way. I know that in a relationship that it's okay for me not to want to feel insecure about this. I know it's okay for me not to want to feel insecure about this. I know it's okay for me to want to feel like a priority with my romantic partners. You might not feel that way. And that's just like a choice, but I feel that way and I want this. And then see what she's willing to say about that. Because someone who wants to make you a priority will say something to the effect of, oh, like, I'm sorry, I hate to hear that. I'm really sorry I'm playing a role in that.

I don't mean to. And I'd love a chance to explain myself, right? I mean, I don't know if they're going to ever be that calm, but some version of that. But then you both figure out some compromise, right? And maybe that compromise is you saying, okay, maybe I am being a little sensitive in these areas, but if I am being sensitive,

I still need help with X, Y z because like pet names i'm uncomfortable with that and i don't think it's unrealistic for me to ask you not to have pet names for your platonic friends i want to only be the person you have pet names for because like that there's a sense of in and also you're not even wrong like if you were just like i, I don't want to, you know, your ex, like that you have the right for it to be weird. Your ability to get over it is something that she should give you credit for, not just simply expect you to deal with. And she sounds like she is expecting you to deal with how she wants certain things in a relationship. And she seems unwilling to just check in with you and say, how does this make you feel?

Tell me if this would make you feel better. I'm her. And I say to you, hey, listen, babe, I'm recognizing that my friendship with Pam or whatever, it's really important to me. I really value this friendship. I felt like I have a, I know we have this weird history, but like it really has evolved in the years, especially prior to us meeting like a sister.

And I really, I recognize how that's weird. And are there things I could do to make you feel more confident about this friendship I have? Are there things I could do? I want to do those things. What could I do to like have you guys be closer? I don't want this friendship that I have in any way to make you feel less about my feelings for you. And what could I do? Would that make you feel better? Yeah, 100%. Yeah, like all the way. The fact that she hasn't done any version of that, I think, says something. And it's not about the friendship, per se. It's about her either unwillingness or inability inability and I guess vice

versa because you haven't communicated certain things as well. But this is about communicating the problem as opposed to oversimplifying the problem. And you don't want to say something like, well, she's your ex. So like, no, which you have the right to do, but she also has the right to say, no, I don't, I'm not going to give up my friend. Like there's no, I'm not doing anything wrong. She's just my platonic friend. You know, it's nothing, there's nothing there. I don't know the answer. I mean, she does have a history of cheating. So there is that. Yeah. But friends do, other than the pet names, friends do bring friends over. Natalie has, she recently, not recently, the moments of like, I see her bond with her friend and that's great. I love that. But like, there's a, she, and there's certain moments where she might prioritize a friendship.

I don't have to deal with the fact that she used to be in a relationship with them or hooked up with them or things like that. But I'll tell you what, if she did, that would be another thing for me to have to get over and it would be hard for me. And yeah, it's not easy. So, and I think it's not easy. So, and I think it's the responsibility of your partner. If we want to do things in any relationship that we have to explain in general, it's up to us to make sure our partners are comfortable with it, not just expect them to get on board with things. Yeah. So if I were you, I wouldn't ignore this.

Yeah. So if I were you, I wouldn't ignore this. I wouldn't be intimidated by her ultimatum. Okay. I would say, I hear your ultimatum. Ultimately, I want to be able to, I love, you know, however you feel about her. I love you. I like you. I want to make this work. Can we talk about this? Because I don't want to feel the way I do. I don't think you want to, you know, at the end of the day, I just don't, I don't want to keep feeling like this. And I want to, I want to be with you and I want to not feel like this. And I want you to have everything that you want. So how can we make those three things possible? But I'm going to need some things from you. I'm going to need some compromise and I'm going to need some help from you. And she should be really open to that.

And if she's resistant to that, and I think there's some red flags, some real red flags you need to start considering. Okay. What if this situation gets brought up many times, even if she is understanding? What do you mean? As in like, what if she does respond really well for it, but I still continue feeling like this? Well, responding well is one thing. The next step of her is to take immediate action, to start implementing the things you guys talk about.

Now, if she implements the things that you're talking about and you still feel this way, then I don't know. Maybe there's just something there that you can't place and maybe you just have to trust your gut. Yeah. But if this state of mind you're in is not sustainable. It's not. Even if there's nothing to worry about. I mean, if you cheat on someone,

if you have a history of cheating, that's going to stick with you, right? And unless you're someone who's at a minimum empathized with what you're going to be asking any future partner to forgive, accept, then you need to go out of your way to do the little things to get their trust. Forcing an untraditional friendship down your partner's throat and giving them ultimatums and then doing things like pet names and not having boundaries about how much time you spend with them or not spend with them or just

invite them into like intimate moments like family that you want to share with them again like a conversation might be like listen be friends with them there could be a time let's say if natalie with like all her girlfriends right i'm not worried about her i'm not worried about anything sexually with them there's no not worried about that, not worried about anything sexually with them. There's no, not worried about that. But she can still make me feel like she is, if she is sort of inviting them to every family function or every close moment or every special time

or we used to share these things. Like in a relationship, you want to experience things together. Like I was in New York and I ran and I hung out with my friends Joe and Serena. I was like, what are you guys doing tonight? Like we're going to this event. And I'm like, cool. I'm like, do you mind if I tag along? Because if this is a date night, if this is something you guys want to enjoy together, if you want to do this thing, because I was just recognizing that sometimes

couples just want to enjoy things together. Sometimes couples just want to do things on their own and have those special moments. And if you're always bringing friends along then it's just a different moment yeah i agree especially like the family function stuff that was like really rough yeah especially like christmas you know because she's been to christmas um with their family when they were together so it just seems i'm just kind of like always just measuring up right yeah totally Yeah, totally. And if they're, and they're not together now, they're just friends. So, you know, she doesn't get to use that excuse of, well, she's already met them.

Well, she met them when they were in a relationship and are you in a relationship or are you friends? I think you, some version of be friends with her. I want to, I want you to be friends with her, but I want to talk about some boundaries and expectations that I have too about your friendship. They would mean a lot if you respect. I think stating a boundary and expecting your partner to respect it and you enforcing it, I think it could be something a toxic partner could throw in your face.

Yeah. And if you can't state reasonable boundaries and ask them to respect that. And they push back on that. That's just a huge, that's maybe the biggest red flag out there because relationships are about compromise and sacrifice. It is about not having everything you want when you want it. And it's about making people feel prioritized and making choices. And that, cause that's what makes it special. And if she can't do that, then, you know,

what's the difference between you guys are having sex and they're not. But other than that, like you can have sex with people you're not in relationships with. So like, right. You know, that's really the only difference. Yeah.

And you, I would think it would be fair for you to say, if it's accurate, you make me feel like you're getting all your relationship needs met between the two of us, not just me. And I don't want to feel that way. Okay, I'm going to try that. Yeah.

And I want you to be friends with her, but I need your help. And I want to set some boundaries around this friendship. And I ultimately want, I want to feel like a bigger priority to you. And I think if you really put effort into making me feel that way and you respect a couple of these boundaries and like, you just please stop with the pet names. And also like, I'd love to become better friends with her as well. So I feel we're all friends. Then, then I think I can get there. Cause I don't want to stop you from being friends with someone, but I need you to make this easier on me because I, I'm not, I'm not crazy for feeling this way. Okay. Okay. I

appreciate it. I'm definitely going to try that. That helps. All right. I'm really curious how this goes. So let me know. I have to let you know. Let me know. Thank you for calling. Good luck. Keep us posted. Thank you. You're definitely not crazy. Set some boundaries. See if she listens to them. Okay. If she listens to them and forces them and it's still not something there, there's something your gut is telling you. I don't know what it is, but I wouldn't ignore it. Okay. Okay. I appreciate it. All right. Take care. Thanks. Bye. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Cassie and I'm 22. How can we help Cassie?

So my boyfriend has recently been Snapchatting other girls and women and I am trying to learn how to build back trust in our relationship and set boundaries. Give me more information on what you mean by Snapchatting other women. Yeah. So basically, we started dating this previous summer and it was kind of a whirlwind romance. Like it happened very quickly and we met both working at a summer camp. So we were in a camp bubble. So our relationship grew very fast. We immediately connected and fell very hard for each other very fast. And he actually said that he loved me after a week. And then he met my family and I met his family and it just moved extremely quickly. And I met his family and it just moved extremely quickly.

And he never officially asked me to be his girlfriend, but we were spending every night together and sneaking around the camp and just spending all of our time together. And one day he, we were talking and I was like, Oh, you think I'm your girlfriend? And he was like, you are my girlfriend. And I was like, Oh think I'm your girlfriend he's like you are my girlfriend and I was like oh okay I didn't know that so it kind of just all fell together very quickly and out of nowhere and he gave me his face ID for his phone since we were spending so much time

together and always playing music together and one night he left his phone in the kitchen and I noticed when we were together he would be on snapchat and like snapchat his friends and I saw a lot of girls on his snapchat and it kind of made me uncomfortable but I didn't say anything about it and then when he left his phone and I knew that I had it by a face ID I was like oh let me just you know look at this and see you know what kind of girls he's talking to and what what they're talking about and I just thought tons of Snapchat to all these girls and like snap text and just like flirty messages and DMs on Instagram. So you ended up really diving deep in this song. Yeah.

Yeah, I kind of did. stop myself and i felt like a pit in my stomach because i thought like our whole romance was like real and we were like taking each other seriously and in a committed relationship how old is he about your age oh he's 19 oh so he's a few years younger than me. And yeah, I think it's an emotional maturity issue that he has because he obviously uses Snapchat a lot. And I don't Snapchat as frequently as he does. And I think it's kind of immature. So that's another level to it I mean yeah I mean there's a lot of people in their 20s using snapchat but that's not his issue is not him

using snapchat his issue is what he's doing with it it also was his instagram dms too so that right so what degree of problematic messaging was going on here? The first time I looked, it was just messages to girls. Some of them were like, do you still have a boyfriend? Some of the DMs were like, you're really cute. Can I get your Snapchat? So problematic, yeah. Yeah, problematic. And you said the first time you looked.

So the first time you looked, you didn't tell him? No, I didn't tell him, but I was acting really different when he saw me. And I basically had a talk with him and I was like, look, if you're not ready for a relationship, that's fine. But I need to feel like i can trust you and i want to make sure that you're 100 in this because if not like i don't want to waste my time on something that's not as serious as what did he say he was like saying like he's all in he's so serious about me he loves me this is after you saw the messages. Yeah. And I told him, I brought up, I didn't tell him.

I looked at his phone, but I told him like, every time I'm around you and you're Snapchatting a bunch of girls, like it makes me really uncomfortable. And I don't like that you're messaging like all these girls. What do you say? And he said like, I didn't know it made you uncomfortable like i'll stop and we kind of just moved forward from there but then he didn't and you looked again yeah well i the next time that i looked was because after camp ended, he visited me because I'm from another state.

So he came with me on like my eight hour drive back home and stayed with me. So this is a long distance relationship? No. So I moved where I am currently at here. You moved for him? No, I was planning on moving before I met him. You moved for him? No, I was planning on moving before I met him. Yeah.

But he came with me when I was visiting back home for a week and stayed with me and my family. And while we were back home, I got a DM from a girl on Instagram saying that they had sex like a week before he left to come stay with me. While you were together? While we were together, yes. Did you confront him? Yeah. So when I found the message, he was literally sleeping in my bed. And I had a conversation with him and I was like, so who is this girl, the girl's name?

And when did you hang out with her why is she dming me on instagram and he was like what are you talking about like what what are you talking about basically admitted to meeting up with her but they didn't have sex he claimed they just met up and he felt really guilty about it he He's definitely lying. Yeah. Who has bigger reason to lie right now, her or him? Exactly. And she sent me like several DMs and she was like, I found you on Instagram. Like I had no idea you guys were together, all of this stuff. She even sent me a screenshot of the location he sent her to like meet at.

Question. Why you called in with a goal of trying to build back trust yeah why are you still in this relationship you actually also i'm sorry for asking you a question then asking another question but think about that and then i want you to think about the question you said earlier uh that you confronted him and said, if you're not ready for a relationship like this or some version of that, what about what he has shown you through his actions? Not saying, I love you a week into a relationship and not introducing you to his parents two weeks into the relationship, but what has his actions shown to you that he is ready for the type of relationship that you want obviously we we moved

forward after that whole scandal happened and i decided to believe his story that he gave me it was also difficult because he was with me in my hometown i feel like if i would have found all this out not there it would have been different. I think you saying, I decided to believe him is a very interesting way of putting it. I think it's also very honest and good for you for being honest because you didn't believe him. You decided to believe him. There's a difference. You just chose to believe him.

I didn't know what to believe, honestly, because she was messaging me like crazy. He was saying that she was messaging me like crazy and i didn't he was saying that she was crazy and i was asking all these different people for advice and everyone was giving me different things and i just didn't know who to trust and uh i what do we put it at 98 chance that he definitely is lying and she's crazy yeah or like two percent chance that she's crazy yeah 98 chance that he's lying to you but think about all the other things that you have well i'd say 99 chance he's messaging a bunch of other women you caught him in a lie you know not good that you went through his phone okay we know that not a good moment not a good moment but nevertheless

you found what you found then you tried to you tried you know the fact that you tried to say hey listen i want to talk to him about this and see if he cops up to it because rather than just you know owning up that you messaged him i don't know i don't know what's best but either way you confronted him about it you knew a certain truth you caught him in a lie there he didn't own up to it he's like oh really that's bothering you i'll stop he didn't did he own up to the fact that he you saw you saw messages of him flirting with other women, asking if they still have boyfriends, making moves? Yeah. Like, you saw him trying to hook up with other women. And then he was like, oh, like, really?

Did that bother you? I'll stop. Okay. And he, like, he wanted you to think that he was just casually messing with women. So you knew he was lying then. And so what, all of a a sudden this woman who has screenshots of him saying let's meet up is just making up some story about the fact that they hooked up i mean even if they didn't have sex like i guess i wanted to believe him sure and i think that's

the issue here i just wanted so badly to believe him because I couldn't imagine him actually doing that. And the relationship... Why couldn't you imagine it? Other than the fact that it's hard to imagine someone doing that to you, which I totally get. I mean, our egos never want to imagine that someone could do that to us.

But do you really think he's incapable of doing this? No. Especially after the red flags before that too yeah i mean like he's 19 not that i mean there's still 19 year olds with character he doesn't seem to have much character yeah and next time someone says i'm in love with you in a week i posted something a clip from my, and I just posted it on my Instagram, a quote. And the quote was, if someone can't articulate why they love you beyond I just do, or you're cool, or you're amazing, then it's probably not love. It might be infatuation. It might be a lie.

Saying I love you should not be just some flippant feeling. It's not something you say because it feels good in the moment. Maybe they even think they do love you, but don't assume they love you the way you expect to be loved. Do you have any idea what the concept of love means to them? He said, I love you. And you're like, thanks. I get it. I've been there before, so I'm not coming down on you. But like something to remember in the future, when someone says, I love you real fast, chances are they're just caught up in the moment. It's easy to get caught up in the moment. It's fun to get caught up in the moment, you know? And we want to say things.

And it doesn't make it love-bombing. You know, it makes it immature and childish. You know, if they were lying to elicit getting something from you, then that's love-bombing. But most of the time, it's just pure, old-fashioned immaturity and excitement, you know? And I don't know. I mean, when I was 19, I mean, even you and three years ago,

I bet what love meant to you was very different or what you learned about love or you learned about what it requires to make someone feel loved. It's easy to say so easy to say, I love you. I love you. I just said it. You know what I'm saying? Like, what does it mean? You know? And it means different things to different people. So we really have to understand what it means to them and what it means to ourselves. And you should be able to articulate what feeling loved and being loved means to you. Now, when someone says, I love you, that's nice. And we talk about love languages, you know, what's your love language?

But like really diving deep into like, I feel loved when this happens. Or this was an example when I felt loved. If you wanted my advice, I think you should break up with him today. And I don't think you should ever talk to him again. I don't, I just don't think he's a very good guy. And at least he's not. And the, I need you. I can't be with you.

Calling other women crazy when he's the one doing things like a whole lot of coincidences would have had to have happened for him to be the honest high character person that you want to believe he is yeah and i think it's highly unlikely that all of these things are just bad coincidences or just lapse of judgment. I think he's, at best, a really selfish, immature person who likes having you around and very much loves a lot of things about you and very much loves the things that you bring to the table for him.

But that's not love. That's just loving things. You want to feel loved and you want to be loved and you want to have trust and understanding. You don't have any of those things. But I don't doubt that an older woman who probably is more mature and more experienced in all aspects, I'm sure you are a real great value add to his life in a lot of ways yeah his family every time i'm i see his family a lot and they always say you're so good for him and he always says you're good for me and everyone in his life is like you're good for him i bet that makes you feel real good about your

ego loves that but like he's not good for you yeah you know you're also not his mentor or his parent or even his friend you know yeah so i i think any more energy you put in this guy is a waste after that trip like he really did change and i've looked through his phone again. He doesn't message anyone and he's been putting in like 10 times as more effort and does a lot of things for me. So I was wondering if it was just like a one time mistake and he really like realized like. Probably not. I mean, I don't know. He's 19, you know? And, and so I don't want to come to come down too hard on a 19 year old but like that's on

you like if you want to continue to date a 19 year old who clearly has a lot of growing up to do and a lot of maturing and a lot of learning a lot of what you probably already have done then that's for you to decide and he's already giving you you know so do you want a project or you want a boyfriend and i don't doubt that he's nice and i'm sure that he has a lot of nice moments and I'm sure there's a lot of great times where he's fun to be around. But maybe you just got caught up in a summer fling and he does a good job of making you feel important because you do bring a lot of value in his life. And it's nice to feel needed and, and wanted. And he makes you feel that, but he's probably not giving you a lot of things that you also require.

So, and I just don't think, are you planning on getting married or anytime soon? No. Okay. So you're not planning on getting married anytime soon and you're investing a great deal of your emotional energy on an immature 19 year old. Yeah. I mean, how do you build up trust? I mean, you, you, you called in by asking me how you build up trust. I don't really have an answer for you. Trust takes a lot

of time. How do you do it? You take a big risk. That's how you do it. To go against all the information that's been provided to you and ignoring that and then just hoping you hope that's what you do you hope that you could keep dating him and he magically stops being the person who he was and starts being a completely different person you at least have some hope because he is only 19 but then there's the he's 19 aspect of it. Yeah. And you're not meant to be his emotional support system or his mom or, you know, you're not supposed to tell him what to do or remind him to do things. All the things that you've learned over the past three years. It doesn't sound like he's adulting very well right now. And if you want to date someone who's an age difference, go ahead.

I'm dating someone who's younger than me. But like you guys need to be in the same point in your life. I don't babysit. She takes care of herself just fine. And we, we, we bring, we both bring a lot to the table in terms of our ability to help the other person, you know, raise their standard of who they can be as a person. It's not one-sided, of who they can be as a person. It's not one-sided. Sounds very one-sided in your relationship. Yeah. And that's just not going to drastically change anytime soon.

You're right. It's a lot of hope. Yeah. Well, I needed to hear that. All right. Well, keep us posted what you decide to do. But yeah, how do you break up with them? Be empathetic, be nice,

but just be direct and honest and be definitive. Don't say things like maybe in the future or we'll see or stuff like that. It's okay if he hates you. And if, you know, and honestly, if he'll probably say, and you'll probably be validated because my guess is when he knows you're serious and when he knows that you're really breaking up with him, it wouldn't surprise me if he says some mean things. I hope I'm wrong. Okay.

But if he does, that will only validate and verify that he truly is a very immature 19-year-old who has a lot of growing up to do. And that's not your problem. All right. Yeah. You're right. Invest in people who, yeah, you can help, but help you that aren't fucking projects. Yeah, you're right. Invest in people who, yeah, you can help, but help you that aren't fucking projects. And next time someone says they love you, don't be afraid to ask, why do you love me?

What does that mean to you? Don't be afraid to articulate what it means to you to be loved and see if they still feel the same way. Okay, I will. All right. I really appreciate the advice. Oh, thanks for your call. I appreciate it. Sorry you're going through this.

I know it sucks. It's hard. I've been there. But, yeah, your call. I appreciate it. Sorry you're going through this. I know it sucks. It's hard. I've been there. But yeah, that's what I think you should do. Okay. All right. Thank you. All right, take care.

I appreciate it. All right, take care. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatcastmedia.com. Cast with a K. Don't text your ex. Happy birthday is available. Go to vilefiles.com.

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