The Viall Files - E498 Ask Nick - Matchmaking Gone Wrong

Episode Date: November 7, 2022

Welcome back to another juicy and exciting episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back again to bring on our callers and give them advice on their situations. We bring on our first caller who set up two friends on a date. After hearing feedback from one of her friends that the guy gave off a lot of icks, she wonders how she can tell her guy friend to improve himself as a dater. Next, we talk to someone who has a medical condition which makes sex painful. She wonders when is the best time to talk about it and how she can give the people she dates an ‘out’ if it’s a deal breaker. Our last caller wonders if she unintentionally put herself into the hookup zone. Now she learns to understand what this guy really wants and how to be direct with what she wants herself.  “I’m the Nick Viall of my friend group!” If you are interested in running a book club in your city, send an email to: [e-mail]  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Pre-Order Nick’s Book: https://www.abramsbooks.com/product/dont-text-your-ex-happy-birthday_9781419755491/ Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Canva: Design like a pro with Canva Pro! Right now, you can get a FREE 45-day extended trial when you go to https://canva.me/viall. Total Wireless: Total by Verizon is available at http://totalbyverizon.com/ and at retailers nationwide. Caraway: Visit http://www.Carawayhome.com to take advantage of their Cyber Season Event and score up to 20% off your next purchase of non-toxic kitchenware. This deal won’t last long, so visit http://www.Carawayhome.com to shop all their incredible products for up to 20% off this holiday season. Caraway. Match Dating App: If you Do You — you already know the best relationships show up when you show up for yourself first. There’s never been a better time to try Match. Download the Match app today.  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition episode 498. 498. That's a lot. Yeah. I remember we had our eighth episode. I was like, I remember that because someone told me that most podcasts don't get past eight. Fascinating.

490 episodes later. We did it, Joe. We're still here. Still here. Ladies, how are you? Fabulous. I feel like I always do a quick change. I feel like I'm never quite ready to start recording, even though all we're doing

is like sitting here waiting. And I always feel like I'm doing like a quick change because I'm like trying to like take off or add a layer. And then I never have like my lips on. You're never really fully prepared, are you? What a rude way to interpret that comment. Right. I want to go home.

Allie, how's improv? Good. I said I love you for the. Allie, how's improv? Good. I said I love you for the first time. So big moves are being made. Improv. Are you starting to enjoy it? I think the second class

was more fun than the first one. How about that? I liked there was a long segment of note taking that I very much enjoyed. Oh my God. She likes the notes. She hates the...

He talked for... He had some good things to say. It did not need to be an hour. Oh, it definitely did. I sat there with my Diet Coke in my laptop and I was like, you go on, Diego. That's your instructor's name? Yes.

There was a moment after where I was like, oh, are you in any shows? And I think he misinterpreted that, me being like, what are you in? Because he kind of gave me a weird... And I was like, oops, too lazy. Why was that a bad question? I think he thought I was being very like,

so what shows are you in? Do you have any value in this community? Like, I think just for like, I don't know. He kind of gave me like, do you know there's just like these unspoken visual cues? And I think, and especially in like comedy spaces. How old is this person? I feel like he's in his like mid thirties.

Mid, yeah. I would say like mid th30s but like actor so mid to late 30s but maybe aging well is it better than you imagined i i didn't go in with any sort of like expectations so other than hating it okay i mean it's like i didn't know how it would be structured nick and i were both like oh i didn't like i meant like the class to class it's like I didn't know how it would be structured. Nick and I were both like, oh. I didn't like, I meant like the class to class. It was like, it was like you were like a kid like kicking and screaming who doesn't want to take swim lessons. But like you have to take swim lessons. 100%.

I mean, I still like on Sunday, I was like, God fucking damn it. I was like two out of 15. We were actually talking about that this morning, though, about like the stuff we did as kids. Like what were your after school activities when you were a kid, if you got to do any? Usually some sort of sports, but I would then come home and eat a lot. I would notoriously come home after school at like 3 and make 8 slices of French toast and then have dinner at like 6. Wow. How old are you when you're...

Anywhere from like 12 to 14. What about like elementary school? I don't remember. Like you didn't do any activities? No, I mean, sure. We always did after school activities. I was always in some sort of sport or. So they were, I'm just wondering if they're,

because we were talking, I was like, I took Russian math school as a kid. And like, not because my parents wanted me to. Like I. Russian math? Yeah. It was just like this. What makes math russian the intensity with which it's taught like oh it's calculus it's a vibe it's a vibe but like i like sought that out as a child and i was like what other and i feel

like that's like a weird little i feel like that are you good at math not in any like intensive way like i didn't study math in college or anything but like i i'm the one who can like calculate the tip pretty quickly and i like math like i don't think i'm necessarily good at math? Not in any like intensive way. Like I didn't study math in college or anything, but like I'm the one who can like calculate the tip pretty quickly. And I like math. Like I don't think I'm necessarily good at it so much as it just makes a lot of sense to me. How are you in math? Pretty good. I was on math team. You're on math team. I actually started one in middle school because I was really popular. Really? The initiative. I made t-shirts. I really just copied my sister's design, so she gets credit. What did you say you love? A boy in our improv class.

Was there a moment? It was just this very, he made it a moment. I was like, he went off on this tangent. And he was like, I just want to sit here and stare into those beautiful hazel eyes of yours. What was the scene?

It was like, we were sitting in a rainforest cafe. Yeah, but it was like, it wasn't like he was out of the blue. Like the instructor was like, you have to like practice like making like emotional choices. They were like kind of bickering. And then he was like, I love you. But it was the thing that got me was there was a moment where he was like, I love I care about you so much.

I look into your and he's like looking at Ali and he's like, he said hazel eyes. No, he said, oh, beautiful hazel eyes. And I was like, I've also had that moment where I'm like making eye contact with Ali. And I'm like, wow, her eyes are so multidimensional. That's so nice. I knew exactly what was going through his brain. Wow. And I'm doing it now.

Oh, my God. Never leave. One day I'll have to take a look. She's going to be like turning around and start staring. She's like, what are you doing our 500th episode is just us staring at each other inside each other uh yeah improv is going well um but around improv as i'm sure you remember not very good parking options it's in a bustling part of weho and i would say parking options really informs where i will go out i have a strict

no weho policy that sometimes gets broken. Don't you live there? No, absolutely not. I live in Eho, East Hollywood. Nobody calls it that. Just me. But I have a strict... Ali used to live in WeHo.

So you live in Eagle Rock? No, Eho, East Hollywood. I don't know. Do you not know? It's like Los Feliz. I live in Los Feliz now, but before I was in East Hollywood, like, Thai town area.

Okay. But I was wondering, how long do you look for street parking? Not long at all. Because I walk. I was thinking about it. Valet is one of the most stressful jobs in the world. Like, we do not talk about that at all. Imagine how stressful that is.

Constantly parallel parking or parking or like in these tiny little spots other people's cars you know who used to be a valet you natalie no way that's badass that is so that's some like hot girl shit right there being a valet she was in valet for a couple years i think that's so impressive yeah that is so cool like Like, is Natalie a good driver? She's not a bad driver. I'm not a good driver. So. I know. Yeah. I got locked.

You lock your back doors for Jeff. I've never been in an accident. And I feel like a dog every time I'm in the back seat because I get locked in there. How many times have you been in my car? Once. I don't even remember that. I think it was when we went to that coffee shop. Thanks.

That was near here. It was a big experience for me, but. I have to say, I'm forgettable. I had to know I was too big and too near here. It was a big experience for me, but I had to say I'm forgettable. I had to say mine was too big and too meaty. That was a five-minute drive. Yeah. And I felt like a dog every moment of it. Why?

I don't know. You've never been in a car seat with your windows locked? I don't know. I just felt very trapped. Just like improv. Child lock, you know? Poor Ellie. Anyway.

Oh, book club. Yeah. So, if you've been listening and you want to join a Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday book club, I have some in progress getting up and running, but there are a lot of cities that the Facebook groups have been made. They are being run by either one, two, or three managers and awaiting your request to join. So if you are in the following cities, you have a Facebook group currently up and running. We have Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco, Phoenix,

Dallas, Columbus, Boston, Sacramento, Denver, New York City, Toronto, and Philadelphia currently up and running. If you would like to join any of those cities, all you have to do is go to Facebook, search in Facebook, D-T-Y-E-H-B book club dash your city. So like D-T-Y-E-H-B book club dash Sacramento dash Austin dash whatever. They're all labeled the same way. So they're super easy to find. Send a little join request. What's required of a book club? It's a great way to meet other people who either read have read the book or listen to the show or are just like singles in your area that are maybe dating and want to meet people yeah that's really i think the ultimate

goal of this is obviously like dating support groups kind of yeah and if you've read the book great you can hold each other accountable for you know the expectation and boundary setting and things like that but it's really just a fun support group to banter from yeah and share your like victories and like your funny stories and like know that because i think that's the thing about dating is that it feels so goddamn isolating and like just knowing that there's other people who are going through it will hopefully like help you be patient and not settle for less than you deserve and also just make some just make some friends who are emotionally intelligent yeah and once you guys get up and running i'll uh and you guys ever do a zoom i'll i'll pop in and say hi but yeah so if you if you guys are listening you're in any of those cities and you want to just

just you might as well just sign up there's like literally no obligation join the group join the group what happens see what happens it'll be fun you know in any of those cities maybe meet a new friend if you're new to a city what a great place to also a couple people won the uh self-care thing for the book and and the girl one of the girls i talked to, is it meetup.com? Yeah. She's like moved to a new city, you know, and so plug for meetup.com. But she's like apparently a great way to like, if you like sewing or whatever the fuck you're into, it's a great place to like meet people in your respective city to like do the things that you like to do. So, you know, also try that. I did that in Sydney, Australia.

Like this is a worldwide thing. So for all our, shout out to all the amazing international listeners like you can do it anywhere i joined this group called letter writing where it was like we would go to a cafe like once every two weeks and like write letters to strangers who like friends had submitted like they're going through a hard time or they could just use some encouragement and like we did like crafts and like read these cute little letters and then send them out and it was like really wholesome and like fun wait cute so it's like it's out. And it was like really wholesome and like fun. Wait, cute.

So it's like, it's not just like sports, although you can totally do that kind of thing there as well. Like there's really genuinely like a whole variety of little like niche activities. But first check out your local book club. So yeah, so check out meetup.com, but our artists check out Don't Text Rex Happy Birthday and join your book club in your respective city and have a ball.

We have a great episode for you. Also, a great week lined up for you. Elise, is it Elise Guilfoyle? Will be recapping The Bachelor with us in our 500th episode of Going Deeper. Love is Blind finale and some special guests. We'll see. Maybe Harry Styles. I think you should wear your suit.

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Make your moves. We'll make them count. See guaranteed details at TurboTax.com slash guarantees. Experts only available with TurboTax Live. Question time with me. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, how are you?

Good, what's your name? I'm Chloe Hi Chloe I'm 34 How can I help? I set up two friends on a date And I realized why one of them is still single He did a lot of icks on the date

And I don't know how to tell him or if I should tell him Okay Alright, what did you do? Okay, okay. So firstly, when I set them up, I said, this is my girl. She's amazing. Um, that's as far as my matchmaking skills go. So take it from here, buddy. And he did and it was good. He, he sent out texts right away. I was even with her once she got one of the texts and she smiled. It was great. And then it came to starting setting up a date. And boy, oh boy, did he mess up.

He was making a really big deal about why like travel. I don't know. We're in LA. So it's like sometimes people get miffed about having to go super far. I don't know. We're in LA. So it's like, sometimes people get miffed about having to go super far. And he suggested that she meet him in her area, which I mean, might be good for the common folk, but not for my girl. He suggested that they meet in her area? In his area. In his area. Okay. On a first date, which I just think is like a no. Like that's not judgmental. right off the bat it just shows some laziness right some laziness and selfishness sure i mean like it or it or just a lack of enthusiasm for this date so which wasn't what he was showing through the text that's what was confusing to me so it was like he was super enthusiastic he texted her right away

he was giving her lots of good chat and then it fell off when the date started to plan so that happened and then there was this moment when he tried to set up something and she's really busy she travels all over the world and um she came back and she was like sorry i was traveling he goes uh i think we've established you're traveling. So a lot of two, a lot of combativeness. And he suggested that they meet up somewhere because of a sporting game might be going on. However, he didn't realize she knows a lot about sports. That's why I set them up.

She does know a lot about sports. And she was like, that's actually not happening. I don't know what you're talking about. That a sporting event is not going to happen. Oh, so she suggested he was like, hey, with this sporting event might be going on. And she knew that it wasn't. Yeah. So he like made that as an excuse as to why not to travel.

Oh, I see. So when he suggested that he comes to his part of L.A. He was like, oh, maybe I'll come to your side. But the traffic might be really, really bad. And she's just like, oh, my God. valet he was like oh maybe i'll come to your side but the traffic might be really really bad and she's just like oh my god and i'm assuming she had the same expectation that he should come to her part of town or or was she open to having like a mutual spot she's definitely open to having a mutual spot which is what ended up happening so she was like afterwards she was like why didn't

he just suggest meeting up in the middle because i would have done that so they ended up meeting up in the middle because i try to encourage my friend to go on dates she's she i'm the advice giver of her i'm the nick vile of my friends okay she comes to me and i say be more open don't be like so closed off like if guys a chance sometimes they mess up but i am a big proponent of like you should be on your best behavior at least within the first 60 days of dating if you like the person you shouldn't be seeing any like cracks so anyway they met up and i was pleasantly surprised i was like okay and he was being nice and then it fell off the rails again so they he picked a place with great she has stomach issues as all hot girls have stomach issues you know the internet might suggest sure um she ordered a salad he said no he didn't comment what the

like interrogated her about ordering such salad that she was not going to eat anything else why why why why why why are you not eating anything else? And she's just like, I don't want to. You can't say that on a first date, but it's really like, I don't like, what am I supposed to say? So it's just like an uncomfortable. She felt interrogated.

I took notes after. I mean, he should definitely not be commenting on what she orders like at all. Unless it's like an interesting food that you want to try and have questions. Totally. That seems interesting. If that's an itch for you, someone who's not an adventurous eater, which she is, she's just not going to do it on her first date. Like, you know, take that to the bank and don't ask them out again.

All right. So he commented on her food. He commented on her food. He didn't ask her a lot of questions about herself. More like interrogated her. That's ask her a lot of questions about herself. More like interrogated her. That's how she felt. No questions about herself. And then...

Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean? So he interrogated her but didn't ask her questions about herself? What do you mean? It was like, why are you single? We asked her why she's single? She's young. She's 27 years old.

How old is he? He's in his early 40s. The reason why I set them up is because she recently decided to up her dating age, which I've been encouraging because I just think younger guys are posh. But the early 40-year-old was asking the 27-something-year-old why they're single? It just didn't feel like he was present. Maybe he felt like he was an autopilot. And I guess he was really presumptive about oh on our second date unless we're like

making out on the first date so wait on the first date so this is the date they meet up well first it's hey you should come to me all right no fine we'll meet in the middle wild we sit down yeah why are you eating this salad talked a lot about himself asked her why she's single and then started talking about their second date yeah how long have you known this friend i've known him actually for a little bit like we've we met in a work situation what's a little bit almost like eight years okay so you've been a while it's been a while and i think he's a sweetheart i i'm more friends with him like online he's like an online acquaintance he's very supportive he's never been

a creep to me he's he's just been like he's a good guy he's doing good things in the world he's successful he dresses well he works out like these are good qualities in a man and he's generally pretty myth that he's single you You know what I mean? I do. He's a little confused as to why he's single. So I was like, Oh, I can't wait to set you up with my friends. I tried to set him up with another friend a while back, but she was like, he's too old. He's not my type. That's fine. But I tend to have younger friends for some reason. But I tend to have younger friends for some reason. But yeah, so they, yeah, I just don't know if I'm in the place to say anything or if even a man at that age wants to hear how bad he's messing up because I really think these are fixable things. For him or the relationship? For him.

No, I wouldn't, no. When you say you're more online friends than friends, but you've known him for eight years, like how close are you with this person? Not close. He's not that close. Do you know whether you think he's a sensitive person or not? I think he's a passionate person about certain things.

Yeah. But I don't know if he's, I wouldn't clock him as like mean sensitive to where he'd like think I was being mean to him. So have you talked to him about the date? I haven't. I've been nervous. Well, I emailed you guys right away.

How long ago did this date happen? A week ago. How often do you meet up in person with this friend? Him? Yeah. Never. Never. I mean, he lives across the street.

But also, we're not into similar things. Like, I really enjoy him. I think he's a sweet person. We have some banter in the chat, but he's not, like, my type of friend. Why did you think he'd be a good match with this woman? They're both into sports. They both work out. They're both kind people.

You know, he's smart, which she doesn't go on a lot of dates with she's really smart okay in terms of your from your opinion physically who's do you find them oh he's punching he's punching i mean but he's he's yeah here's what i think i think you set them up so i think you have the ability to it makes sense i guess is what i'm saying since you send them both up it makes sense for you to follow up like that's a lot you know i wouldn't if i if i said two people up i'd be curious i'd want to know like it makes sense why you're you would be i guess nosy right so i don't think this is a conversation you can have with this guy over text at all i think you should assume he's pretty sensitive.

I mean, if a 42-year-old guy is, you know, the way you describe him, nice, and, you know, he profiles as nice, except when he goes on dates, it seems like he turns into a different person. It would suggest that maybe this person is suffering for some, like, severe insecurities about themselves. This person, as you you say is baffled why they're single outwardly presents to be baffled

by this yeah that's that says something i don't think that's not normal too because like my friend is baffled why she's single well you're also but your friend's 27 that's a little she's a much yeah she's a mature 27 but i just think know, if you have a lot going for you, it sounds like these two people have a lot going for them as individuals. Yes. And in adult life, if you are out there and you're just like, I don't know why I'm single. That to me is saying something.

To me, that's saying that you maybe haven't really looked at why you might be single. You're struggling finding someone. Maybe you're probably going on these bad dates. Maybe your perception of what you think, the type of person you want, that could be off a little bit. But I don't think if you're an adult person who's like, the only constant is you. It's one thing if this friend was like, hey, he's in his early 40s or late 30s or whatever, and he or she's looking for love and they haven't found it yet. They're relatively content with being single, but I know they're anxious to find someone. That's different than, you know, talking about this person who's just like trying really, really hard to find love,

can't figure out why they can't find love, has all these other things going for them. To me, that means that there is something with this person they haven't truly figured out because they're the only constant, right? And if they are so baffled, that means they haven't probably taken a hard look at themselves as to why they're running into some problems. And it's not to say that in every dating situation, it's their fault, but they are the only constant in their love story, so to speak. This is all to say that you won't be the first person who has tried to have this conversation with him. And so just temper your expectations.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't have it. How do you even start that? Because if I go, okay, how was the date, right? How was the date? And he goes, it was all right, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like... He might not say it was all right. He might say it wasn't great.

I mean, you haven't heard from him that's true he did kiss her but you haven't heard from i you haven't heard from him since the date no but we're not like on that but you set him up my guess is he doesn't think at all it went all that well i don't think he did either he didn't call her for a second even though he was talking about it so he's probably trying to avoid you yeah yeah everyone's trying to avoid me because I'm the truth teller and everyone knows I tell the truth to them so if they don't want to hear the truth they avoid me well that's another thing to consider

maybe if he doesn't want to hear it I think you should reach out to him have you ever facetimed him ever? no but I do think my thing is with him is I would set him up again i just wouldn't set him up if he's going to do the same thing so maybe i approach it next time i want to set him up with someone could do that or i mean i'm just like how can i avoid this if you need some amazing pots and pans or baking wear think of caraway i got so much caraway it's

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personal Everest and I can't get it. I can't figure it out. I think dating is something where it is so important to keep your stamina going because when you become discouraged, you become really discouraged. And the way you keep your stamina going is by one, checking in with yourself and being like, am I okay? Am I doing the work I need to be doing? The reflection, the thoughts, the self-awareness, all of that. And you also do that by not wasting your time with people who you have no idea what they're looking for. You have no idea what their level of emotional intelligence is. If they're dating with intention, you want to preserve your time and energy with dating because it's tough out there and you want to use it for the very best. Literally the date

I went on two weeks ago, we went through the whole date. And then at the end of it, he was like, oh no, I don't actually want to like date someone. I just want to hook up with them. And I was like, why are we here? Why are you there? Why are you on these ridiculous apps? Well, Match, they want people who are ready, ready to do the thing that people are there to do, which is find love. And people who are focused on being the best selves, people who are ready and comfortable with who they are, those are people that Match the Dating App want on their platform. So if that's you, take a look at Match the Dating App. If you do you, you already know the best relationships show up when you show up for yourself first. There's never been a better time to try Match. Download

the Match app today. I just think it's like, it's a shame that he be messing up in these streets with such, I feel like such easy fixes. I don't know if they're easy fixes. Well, don't make a big deal about traffic. Don't ask her what she's eating. But it's not, that's the thing. More gentle. That's not the thing.

It's not that he did this one little thing. It's that he makes a big deal about little things. Okay. So this is like a therapy thing. Yeah. something maybe getting therapy there's something going on inside him an insecurity of some kind that like when he's in these situations his insecurities come out and he and they come out in the form of i wouldn't say passive-aggressive like he argumentative critiquing you know you know it's just like you think you're being funny like larry david critiques people it's just like well not

everyone has the gift of larry david and quite honestly larry david makes fun of himself of being unlikable you know you know what you're expecting you know sure and i'm not even saying this person is trying to be like larry david but I think there's a lot of people out there who think they're funny and they're not but it's not even trying to be funny it comes out in a kind of trickish way and I don't know why these guys are unsalvageable I know we're just gonna let them out there I don't know if they're unsalvageable but I think it I think it's going to require some work on their part. And I think they have to be more willing to look in the mirror and realize they're the problem. And you don't think there's any way to gentle talk this into fixing?

Well, yeah. I mean, you don't have the rapport with his friend to meet him in person or even FaceTime. And if you did, I still would encourage you to maybe do that. Yeah. If you wanted. I could. it wouldn't be weird and just say hey you know like how did the date go and then first get his thoughts my guess is he will probably like say it didn't go great i don't know yeah i'd be curious if he's like it would be really really interesting because you should see what he's willing to say you know does he shit? Does he like, oh, she ordered a salad.

She was, oh. His version could be completely different. You've heard her version. And so that way you could just be like, well, I heard different. And then I don't know what he would say to bringing up or critiquing her order. Or I don't know what he would say to talking about a second date. I mean, so these are like basic stuff. But I think he's just not self-aware enough to realize it. And again, you're the one who's saying like, he doesn't know. He's going in on these dates,

not thinking he's the problem. And I think he needs to like, I mean, listen, you're 40 something years old. And then that's fine. But it's just like, if you have nothing but like a series of like disappointments that you have to be willing to like look in the mirror. It's one thing. I don't know that he's had a relationship or like a serious or a long one,

at least an Instagram worthy one since I've known him. Yeah. So I just think I would love for you to say something to him, right? I think men need to hear this from their women friends more. I think they need to be coached up from their women friends more. I think you should try to be as nice as possible, but you say it in a way like, as a woman, I wouldn't like this. And maybe you take that approach. You're like, I don't know. I talked to my friend. I know she's, you guys might not be a match. I'm not a professional matchmaker and I'm not sitting here critiquing whether you guys should be together. If you guys don't want to go on

another date, that's fine. But I did hear some very specific things and I'm only coming to you because I do think I want to set you up in the future. And I think you have a good heart and I think you mean well, but like, there were some some things that you said and did that if I were her, I wouldn't want to go on a second date with you. It was really off-putting for you to comment. Don't comment on a woman's order, period. You don't know her. That makes sense. I like that position. Don't comment on... If she's your girlfriend, don't do it. Let her eat. Just let her eat. Yeah. How about you get through the first date before you're talking about a second date and then maybe start focusing on

asking her more questions about herself you know not questions that relate to you yeah you know and make more conversation not typical day questions and and i like this perspective of like going through it i want to set you up again, so then let's chat. So come from that place. I would lead with that. Yeah. But you should say, I'm not going to if you act like this. Yeah. I think you can be a little hard from that point if you act like this.

And just say, give him some basic do's and don'ts. And then if he's not receptive, you can hit him with some tough love saying, I just want to throw it out there, but I'm coming from a place of trying to help you out and you don't seem to want to be receptive to that. Maybe you're the problem. I would never. Why not? Why are you meaner than me?

And I thought I was like the meanest. But say, maybe you're the problem. Sometimes we have to hear that. We all are the problem on some level. Yeah, I guess. I i mean yeah i i do just think he's a very sweet person but that's what i'm saying like you come from this place of like i know you're a sweet person i know you have a lot going for you but like these you and this is what you say if i didn't know you and i and my girlfriend told me about this date i I would think you're toxic.

I would think you're a jerk or a bad guy. I would tell you should never go on a date with this guy again. That's what I would say about the things that I heard about this date from you. And I know you're not a bad guy. So why are you doing shit like this? And so I'm coming from a place of trying to help you out. And if he's resistant to that,

then yes, I think you can put it, I think you can pose the question that's resistant to that, then yes, I think you can put it, I think you can pose the question that like the fact that you are resistant to these very basic notes, it's coming from a place of trying to help you and you don't want help, then buddy, I don't know what to do. Right. And I can't set you, I can't consciously set you up with another amazing. Yeah. So like it's on you, like I'm here'm here to help but like how about we try to start like identifying the problems because like these are basic stuff that you should know by now and a smart person should know but like you're you're doing basic jerky stuff yeah and i don't think

it's coming from a place that you're a jerk i think it's coming from a place of well i don't know where it's coming from but like you should probably look into it you're 60 there actually yeah you're far ahead of the game but then you you mess it up in the fourth quarter sports analogy there you go all right well that's what i would do i would i would come from a place of i want to help you out in the future but like you need to like not do this anymore yeah i agree I agree. Okay. That I like that. I like that take. And, but also I ask his perspective of that eight too. Yeah. Like how'd it go?

Hey, so how'd it go? And then be like, well, on the basis of, I want to set you up again. This is what I heard. So do that. Okay. All right. Okay. Perfect.

I want to know how this conversation goes. So please follow up. Okay. All right. Okay. Perfect. All right. I want to know how this conversation goes. So please follow up. Okay. All right. Take care. How's it going? Good. How are you?

Good. What's your name? My name is Rose and I'm 26 years old. How can I help Rose? So I have some medical issues around sex and I'm looking for some help with how to craft a conversation in early stages of dating. Okay. All right. Well, I'll do my best. I'm not an expert in this type of stuff, but let's see what we got and we'll go from there. All right. So have you heard of, or do you know anything about vaginismus?

I feel like I have, but remind the audience. Yeah. It's not an uncommon uncommon thing but it's basically the involuntary tightening of muscles in the pelvic floor okay women have it mostly some men have it as well um but and it becomes painful when you have sex i feel like we had a call like this years ago it's possible yeah um it's practically it's basically penetration is painful okay to various degrees and so i have that okay um it's for me it came from a hormone imbalance i'm in treatment for it it's you physical therapy is basically the treatment for it okay um and to what degree are you able to yeah it kind of depends on the day but basically sex is off the table unless they have a micro penis if i'm going to be older

okay interesting yeah so well you could be like every micro penis man's dream maybe i mean how do i put that on my dating um big dicks need not apply uh small good dick energy i'm here i'm here yeah all right so the thing is that doesn't mean i don't have a sex drive sure right and it doesn't mean that i'm not interested in having sex like i would love to have sex unfortunately that's just not medically on the table for me is this like how, how much will physical therapy help? So, I've been in it for a little less than a year and there's been improvement. What my physical therapist says is

it will probably never, the pain level will never go down to zero. We're trying to get it to a two. What would you say it's at now? I would say it's probably at like a six. It's incredibly, incredibly unprofitable. So, even a two, it's just like, I guess. it's incredibly incredibly uncomfortable so even a two it's just like i guess right it'll never be painless or or enjoyable tragic well hopefully we'll get to a point where a two is like i'm still enjoying it you know interesting um because i'm hoping that

this does not mean i'll never be able to have sex. It's just an indefinite timeline. Okay. So how can we talk about this? Have you tried? Yes. So usually, I mean, this is a multifaceted issue. One is I don't really love having this conversation every time I'm dating someone because it's about sensitive. I feel like I can't operate like a normal 26 year old, but more than that, the issue is sex is a big part of dating, especially at this age. I understand that physical intimacy is important to people. And so when I have this conversation, what I've been trying to figure out is how do I give them the out to not feel like an asshole?

Because what happens is I tell them basically what I just told you. And inevitably, they're like, Oh, that's fine. Yeah. And then we continue on in the dating stages, and it's not fun. And they get frustrated. And so what I'm trying to figure out is how do I say on day three or four, hey, I'm not going to think you're an asshole for ending things because of this. I would rather you end it now. And you'd rather have them end it now because it must be emotionally frustrating for you to hear, oh, it's not a big deal. And then some level of you, whether you totally believe them or not, is thinking maybe it's not a big deal, only to find out it's a non-negotiable

for them which leaves you more disappointed exactly so that's that's the main thing and then just to throw in a second question for later is if they say it's not a big deal and we continue what is my responsibility in initiating sexy times if you will because you know i can still do foreplay i can still enjoy other stuff but i am saying hey we can roll around naked but you can never put it in and like am i leading them on to some degree and like how should i kind of conduct myself i don't think you're leading anyone on no especially if you've communicated this and also like not everyone is like i talk a lot about hookup culture we talk about on this show i talk about it in my book but not everyone wants to

participate in hookup culture i saw a study i'm butchering this, but like the premise of the study was we kind of operated under this kind of idea nowadays that everyone's having sex and everyone's hooking up and everyone's having one night stands, et cetera, et cetera. And while that's far more prevalent than it ever was or ever has been ever before, I think there's still a lot of people who aren't down for that. And it's not just women either, right? Now, granted, I think there's still a lot of people who aren't down for that. And it's not just women either, right? Now, granted, I think there's a religious element to that, which might not always mix with people's, you know, some people might be like, well, I'm not very religious, but I only bring that up because I think you are applying, and I understand why, like this, you know, it's

like you're, it's almost like you're trying to participate in hookup culture and date with this medical condition rather than also just focus on finding love and date. I'm not looking for anything casual, and I do make that clear to the people that I date. But I think testing out physical compatibility is usually a part of those early stages. Totally. At least it is for me. Like I, I would like to know that I'm attracted to my partner and that they're a good kisser. Like that's important to me. But people can make out and round on a couple of bases without having sex.

You know what I'm saying? Like you don't have to have sex. You know, I think it's the idea that you think, but you think that sex will come eventually. Right. Sure. Like even if you're taking it slow, there's the promise that it will be on the table eventually.

And that's a promise I can't necessarily get. No, I get all that. I guess what I'm saying is I'm just trying to thread the needle or find like, like taking the pressure off yourself. Like, you know, you can date, you can make out, you can foreplay. You guys can, there's a lot of things you guys, like, there's a lot of things you can make out, you can foreplay, you guys can, there's a lot of things you guys, like, there's a lot of things you can do. Forgetting about how you communicate the medical issue and having that kind of challenging, awkward conversation. Can I only imagine, right?

Like, because you want to figure out if this person is either willing or capable of wanting to accept this about you. And there's a part of you that wants to find out within the first five minutes of a date, or even before you go on a date. But you don't need to be giving your medical history to every fucking guy you talk to. So that's gotta be a fucking challenge, right?

I can imagine that. I guess what I'm just saying, you can learn about people's physical chemistry, your compatibility, if they're a good kisser, if they're good at foreplay, you know, like in fact, I would say it's better to figure out whether anyone's good at foreplay by not having sex to take sex off the table and figure out how creative can they get, you know, like how willing are they to like have a fun, intimate moment without the option of penetration?

And quite honestly, that could probably improve a lot of people's sex lives, forgetting about like this, right? Because a lot of, especially guys, is like, you know, touch, touch, touch, let's fuck, you know? Like let's just, let's get right to it. So I just wonder if maybe you could just take the pressure off yourself by just, you know,

just embracing the foreplay aspect of of dating and things like that it doesn't really address the conversation or whether someone's going to eventually be able to accept that but like how much do you enjoy oral both ways unfortunately yeah that would really solve a lot of my problems but unfortunately it's it's nice but it's never to be like it's never going to get me off. Okay. And what about your ability? What about how much do you enjoy giving oral?

I mean, I don't mind it. Okay. That is usually what I offer. Sure. Are you able to orgasm on your own? Yeah. TMI, but like, how do you do that? With my fingers and no penetration.

It's all clitoral. And can you coach a guy up to do that? Theoretically. Theoretically. Yeah, I guess it's a little bit of not something I want to get into with every single guy. It would be something that I would probably try to do with a long-term partner if and when one of those shows up um yeah it's just yeah i don't know it's masturbating on your own is very different than doing it with a partner but yeah i think i think the genders can all agree

on that yeah like the men will also subscribe to that i guess what i'm trying to say is and this is not i don't know how helpful this is but I just think your dating experience is going to be different than say the average person participating in hookup culture. And I think your person, whoever that person is, is going to be someone who is more empathetic and more patient and more understanding. And maybe while sex is not like not important, it might not be as important to them as say some other people. I talk a lot about in my book about building an emotional connection. It's like, oh, should we wait to have sex and one night stand? Well, they're not like me anymore. And I'm always just like, it doesn't really matter how fast, how much you make them wait

without an emotional connection. Because whether it's night one or like the 10th date, like what do you guys really know about each other? And things can still drastically change after something as impactful as sex, right? So what I'm saying to you is like, it's going to take you to build an emotional connection with someone for them to really love all these other things about you, which I'm sure are exist and someone's capable of loving, right? But like, you're going to have to focus on that first. And there's probably, and I get why, you're probably making sex a big deal

because it's an insecurity. You know, maybe try to focus less about the sex. I don't know if this is in any way helpful. Have you talked to a therapist about this? No, I've thought about it. I would definitely maybe look into that. There's probably some people that don't, like there might be someone who specializes No, I've thought about it. I would definitely maybe look into that. There's probably some people that don't,

like there might be someone who specializes in some sort of like a therapist who specializes in people who have challenges with sex in relationships. I would definitely, they would probably be a lot more helpful than me in terms of the specificity when it comes to this type of stuff. But I do think like if you could maybe just try to reframe your expectations.

You do have to deal with this, unfortunately. So it's just like you're not going to be able to have the same dating experience, especially for someone who wants to participate in hookup culture. But it doesn't mean you can't have fun. And it doesn't mean you can't slow play this and get to know someone

and really have someone be invested in you and maybe not try to like have the physical element of your relationship show up in the relationships as quickly as you might otherwise would. I also think there's a ton of people who go into a dating landscape like not feeling like they're capable of having like quote unquote like sex the normal way. Like I have a friend who also has vaginismus and it's because and part of it is it's linked to an experience of sexual violence so when she has that conversation it's not just a conversation about like the physical things but it's also like sharing a really intense lived experience and she's been able to find people and date people where that hasn't been prohibitive and they've still been able to like hook up and have a lot of fun so I hope like that is a little bit hopeful and knowing that there definitely are

people out there and then the other thing I would say is that like I think there can be a lot more expansive definition of sex like I think like this like the p and v as being what sex is like I totally get that like in mainstream like straight culture like that's what it is I think for me a lot of it had to do with like being queer and being like wow there is so much amazing sex that exists beyond that and that's not in any way invalidate like the pressure you might feel or like that that would be an expectation going on a date with a man but I think you can really say like redefine what sex means to you because if penetrative sex isn't pleasurable for you, like I hope you feel comfortable knowing that sexual experiences you have that don't include that

are still 100% valid and gratifying and fulfilling. And maybe in acknowledging that for yourself, it will be a little bit easier to accept and embrace that like other people could also be really fulfilled. Yeah. Yeah. And I love that because I think what Amanda said is that will help you reframe how you approach this. Because again, I understand and empathize why this is top of mind, why you worry about it. And the things we worry about, we have a tend to project, you know, focused on sex, right? And this could be an opportunity for you to find

someone who is more patient and empathetic and kind and considerate because that's what it's going to require someone. And these are all qualities that we all want in a partner, right? And to Amanda's point, there's other ways to like get sexual fulfillment, you know, and so someone who might be more creative and things like that. And so like you have an opportunity to really build a foundation, emotional connection with someone and try to like just make sex not as much of a priority. Eventually you guys can have these conversations and it's going to happen with someone who you've gotten to know, who you realize is more creative and patient, kind and empathetic and curious about you and really loves aspects of you and wants to make it work with you because

they love you and they like you and they feel connected to you and you make them feel safe. And you do all these things for you bring so much to the table. Who's going to complain about a blowjob at that point? You know what I'm saying? So it's just kind of changing your perspective a little bit and try not to be so hard on yourself. I would, my guess is you're probably bringing up and dating situations sooner than you need to. You think so? I'm just guessing just because it sounds like you've acknowledged that you like it's a pressure for you. But like, it's hard for me to say that with like, you know, I'm not saying this, like I know for certain. And what I mean by that is because I understand the pressure of

just wanting to find out sooner than later. And you mentioned not being worried about like leading people on, but I think it's so valid. Like there have been times when I've been on dates where I'm like, I just want to take it slow. And like there's no further explanation required. And so you can always just like if you're not ready to have a conversation about vaginismus yet, you can just leave it out. Like I want to take it slower. And then like if they're not cool with that, they suck. Yeah. Well, no, totally. slower and then like if they're not cool with that they suck yeah well no totally i mean you

don't need to explain why you're not down to like fuck a stranger they're not entitled to penetration with you yeah and like you a fourth date with a guy they're still strangers you know and like you don't need to explain yourself why you don't want to like get down and dirty with someone you're trying to just get to know at this point and make it more about you getting to know people and less, you know, and as you get more comfortable with someone, I would only share it with someone who really makes you feel comfortable. Like, has this person earned my willingness to open up and talk about like some personal issues? Have they really made me feel comfortable? Have they made me feel like they're an understanding, empathetic person in other areas? Maybe share some other vulnerabilities about yourself

and see how they handle that before you drop this on them. I guess that makes me... The reason I would hesitate to do that is because I am comfortable talking about sex generally, other than this insecurity of mine and it is like i i masturbate and i'm like comfortable with all that stuff and so to kind of give them the impression early on that i'm not and then later be like it because of these medical issues like i don't know i guess it it makes me crude is the wrong word but i feel like it's giving a false representation of my own opinions about sex but I think there's a difference between being sexual and not wanting to have sex with like Nick said like a stranger up front yeah like you can totally be like so down for everything sexual

just because you don't want to have sex with them on like the third or fourth date doesn't make you a prude or any less into it. Yeah. And you can be sexual and not even like need to talk about it in the first couple of dates. You know what I'm saying? Like your, your sexual identity,

your, your sex drive or how you are. Yeah. I guess just in my experience, it tends to come up in conversations even just like, Oh, so like, what do you like?

And stuff like that. I get what you're saying. If some, some guy right off, like early on, I was like oh so like what do you like and stuff like that i get what you're saying if some some guy right off like early on is like so is our guys just popping up on the first date like what is this happening the first date but like dates you know four or five ish so like i like them enough to have gotten that far usually yeah yeah it's not just not the first question out of their mouth so then so at this point like you've maybe like have you like fooled around done some stuff that's not yeah because they do usually do the like first time we're like alone together i'll be like let's not you know go all the way tonight and they're always like yeah totally fine okay so this is at the point where you're like you're on you've been on a date you've done that and now it's sort of

they're like there's a logical next step kind of thing right yeah totally do you well do you feel do you tend to feel comfortable sharing at that point like is are you kind of nervous about like being like oh is this too intense to say to them it's always a little nerve-wracking and I mean obviously as Nick said this is partly something I need to process and work on with my own insecurities like I'm definitely not comfortable sharing it all the time, but I do my best to give them all of the information they need so they can make an informed decision. Because ultimately really what I want is, I guess,

like I don't want them to be thinking about our relationship and be like, yeah, she's great. I really like her, but. Yeah. Like, yeah, she's great. I really like her. But. Yeah. And, like, how can I communicate that if there is that but, that's fine.

Like, I understand that. And I'm okay if that is a big enough thing that you don't want to continue. Do you just have to trust that there are big boys who can make that decision for themselves? Like, I'm so sick and tired of this stage of my life feeling like I have to like place like a nice table out and open up a chair for a guy to like tell me how he actually feels. Like Jesus Christ, dude, just like come out and say it. Yeah, I kind of agree with Allie. I just, I love that you're considerate and empathetic, but I think you're almost being a little too considerate of these people you haven't met yet. Well, I think they're trying not to be an asshole, I think is what it comes down to. I think I choose people to date who consider themselves to be nice boys.

I would say that's kind of my demographic. And so they would never say, oh, no, I can't date you because of this, because it would make them feel like an asshole. Yeah. And I want to be like, no, like if this is a big thing for you, like that's fine.

Like that's fine. I just, I would rather just, I had experiences in the past where guys totally unintentionally, but just like made me feel really shitty about the fact that this was true. And it was, and I think they thought it was going to be fine. And then it wasn't. And I just,

I'm trying to avoid that happening because every time it happens, it just compounds the problem. And I know you're already sharing something vulnerable. So it's probably very intimidating being like, oh my God, like how much do I need to go into this? But I think it's okay to say a version of that to be like, hey, in telling you this, like one of the reasons I want to do that is because if that doesn't work for you, like that's fine. I completely get that everybody has different like sexual needs, things that work for them. And like it's if you if that's something where it's like not a great fit for you, that's totally fine. And I won't be at all upset if you like want to think about it and like kind of let me know sooner rather than later. And like being like the only thing that's been an issue is in the past

when people say it's fine and it hasn't been. And I just like you know I think maybe you can even acknowledge that so that way they really know that like actually they have an out and it's not just like an out that's going to be judged for shitty because you're laying out exactly what is the hurtful shitty behavior and like acknowledging that they have like giving them a path to avoid that but again I know that's like intense I know I know it probably feels intense, but I also just think, and again, not to be heavy, but I have so many friends who have experienced some form of sexual violence. And I know it's a very high proportion of people, especially people with vaginas, have. And so I wouldn't underestimate just how frequently it might come, like

communication about sex comes up for people. That's why, back to my original, we were talking about before, I just, and again, I'd love for you to talk to, like, an expert in this field to get some, like, expert advice. But I'm just sensing, like, from you that you want to identify as someone who still can be a sexual person despite what you're going through. I do, yeah. And that feeling you have is, I'm getting a sense of, you're almost trying to prove not only to other people but to yourself that you can still be a sexual person while dealing with this. And that feeling is moving that sexual conversation

or that expectation of sex of any kind, then it needs to be in a relationship, right? And so it might just be helpful despite you wanting to have sexual relations with people and you want to have sexual intimacy with people to still slow things down and still try to really just get to know the people and try to make it less about sex as much as you can, you know, and try to figure out what role you're playing in moving the sex conversations forward because there's a sense of urgency in your part to find out sooner than later whether they're capable of doing this. And I think you kind of made an interesting point. I think most people don't really know whether they're capable of this. Yeah, I don't blame them. And most men probably want to think they are capable of loving someone so much, but it's going to take them to love you.

You know what I'm saying? Your person is probably not going to be someone who has a micropenis or who doesn't like sex because you like sex, right? You just like it differently than the average person. So your person, most likely, I'm guessing for you, you hope that likes sex as much as the average person, wants to have a sexual relationship with you, but you guys are just going to have to figure out how to do it differently. And it's going to happen because you guys care about each other outside of sex so much that you're willing to take the time and make it work, that you're willing to face some struggles and hurdles and some awkwardness. And maybe you guys go to a sex therapist together or a couples therapist, but that foundation is there.

And I know there's a lot of nuances there and this is not to be taken black and white, but I just, again, that sense of like that you're feeling and wanting to get over this hump, I think is maybe putting a little bit more pressure on yourself in the sex department than it needs to be. And I do think that your person is not going to be someone who, again, like I said, has their micropenis or doesn't like sex. It's that they are willing to work with you through this because they love you and care about you and they love what they have with you overall. through this because they love you and care about you and they love what they have with you overall. And they realize, I can still have a really great sex life with her. It's just not the way we thought. And when it comes to having kids and conception and things like that, you work around that and figure it out. And again, you do the physical therapy and over time, it sounds like you could probably have a really healthy sex life. There's a lot of married people who are capable of having sex or a lot of people in relationships who are capable of having sex who have terrible sex lives because they don't communicate. They're not on the same page. They're

not paying attention. They're not considerate and thoughtful or focused on the other person's needs. So it really just comes down to like, you could have a great sex life with someone because you found someone who you have this really strong foundation with. You put in the work, you slowed it down. And then when it got to the appropriate part to talk about sex and relationships, there was a desire on both parties to make it work because there was a lot of like, and a lot of love and a lot of mutual respect there already. And I think if you can try to focus on getting to that place first, that might help you with the sex stuff deprioritizing so and then also like definitely talk to an expert on this stuff

who might have better answers than us all right all right was this in any way helpful it was yeah it's a it's a very interesting yeah and And I really appreciate your vulnerability in sharing this with us because I'm confident that there are people listening to this show who are experiencing what you're experiencing. And if nothing else, it's always nice to know that you're not alone with your struggles, whatever those struggles might be. Yeah. for calling in and sharing and keep us posted. I'd love to know how you navigate this. And if you're willing to share any, any, you know, victories or, or lessons learned, uh,

that, that you're willing to share and call back. We'd love to hear any, any progress or like, you know, I struggle with this, but I really found out, found this to work for me.

That'd be always nice to hear. Yeah. I'll just say as a plug for anyone in your audience, if you're experiencing discomfort with sex, talk to your gynecologist, but also they might send you straight to PT, physical therapy, ask them to run hormone analysis first, just because sometimes they don't do the due diligence um and pt won't work unless you fix that problem first well that's very uh very good to know very helpful thank you all right well uh thank you for calling uh hopefully this was somewhat helpful but uh keep us posted in the future and and uh take care

how's it going hi Hi, I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Grace and I am 31 years old. How can we help, Grace? So my question is, I have recently started kind of seeing somebody and I'm wondering if I've unintentionally put myself in the hookup zone.

And if so, how I get out of it. Okay. What do you mean by hookup zone? So I, a few months ago was out of town and I met some guy semi organically and like this very meet cute way. We went out, we had a great time. The next time I was in town though, I did not get in until about 9 PM. I knew I wanted to see this guy. Also knew that I was going to hook up with him if things went well.

guy also knew that I was going to hook up with him if things went well. But because it was so late, I didn't know. I didn't want him to just come to my hotel, hook up and whatnot. So we went out for a few drinks. That was my way of ensuring that it wasn't just a quick hookup. It was great. I've kind of tried to text him in between meeting the first and second time. We did not text very often. So after meeting the second time, I attempted to make some more conversations and he didn't really, he replied, but he didn't do anything to keep conversations going. So I am again going back into this town where he's from with a better timeline I get in during the day. So we have time to actually go out on a date, but I'm worried that now that we've hooked up the one time that that's just, it's what is it going to expect the second time as well?

Sure. Yeah. And so, so far you like this guy, you like what you know so far. I really like him. Okay. And how many dates have you gone on?

Two. You hooked up on the second date? Correct. Yeah. Okay. And how long ago was that? That was about two or three weeks ago. Okay. And then how much communication is going on between now and then? Not much at all. I texted, we texted the next day, you know, had a great time. Please let me know the next time you're in town. I, a few days later, tried to make conversation about the place we went on the second date. And he responded.

But again, it wasn't much to continue a conversation. As soon as I found out I was going to be going back in a few days, I texted him to let him know. He seemed very enthused. He was excited. I let him know that I'd find something fun for us to do. He didn't object. And that's kind of it.

Okay. Well, how old is he? He's 34. Okay. And what do you like about him so far? I like that he's super kind. He's very, he's big into travel. He's kind of a nomad.

We had that in common. He is big into kind of just picking up and moving and going to a new place and meeting all new people and kind of making a little life in this new town, which I really like. He's very close with his family, which is nice. And yeah, our humor is very similar. We're both very sarcastic and can banter really well in person,

which is confusing to me because it doesn't seem to translate. A lot of people aren't comfortable with texting, and I think men are worse at it than women. But I do think, we've talked about this before, I do think people have an unreasonable expectation of texting. You know, like for some people, texting is just quick responses and check-in and quick updates of like, I'll be there in five, not to like carry on conversations and get to know someone. And that's actually how I am. So when after meeting the first time when we didn't text, I didn't really think much about it. Yeah. And then when it was when I realized that I wouldn't be getting in until super late, so there wasn't much time for a date.

I was like, oh, shoot, like we don't't much time for a date i was like oh shoot like we don't have much time to continue getting to know each other okay and so in a perfect world with him specifically how would you want to progress this relationship if you were the shot caller if he was down for whatever it is you were down for how would you want to like lay this out i'm a perfect world i would uh come in and then three days we'd be able to go on like a fun date that wasn't just dinner you know do some kind of activity get to know each other even more and then again like i said i'm not a big texter, but I do have the ability to pick up as many, like be in town for work potentially three, four times a month. And I would put a lot more

effort into doing that so that we can get to know each other in person. And would you want to have sex while you do this? Yes, that's not a huge... I'm not a very sexual person. So that's not like the biggest thing for me. But yeah, that would... You're okay with having sex, but it's not a big deal whether you do or do not have sex. Yeah. I'm not saying you want to abstain, but you're not... For you, this is about getting to know someone, not about, you know, having the regular sex per se.

Exactly. You would be willing to like slow the sex down if you thought that it would help you guys get to know each other more. Yeah. I'm also kind of in the, I don't think that those things are always mutually exclusive. Totally. I feel like we can also get to know each other and still have sex and it's not going to change anything. Yeah. I think every situation is different. I'm only asking this question in the sense of like, you know, some people might be like, oh, fuck, the

sex is so good. I just, I don't want to give that up type of thing. And some people might be like, your answer at some point might be to like, you know, at least take the sex off the table just to see how they respond. And some people might like struggle with that because like, well, I mean, I like them. What I like about them is like, I love having sex with them, but I just want to be more than just someone they have sex with. But that's not what you're saying. So I'm just trying to get a read on where you're coming from. Well, listen, I think the best thing to do is communicate exactly what you want it's still relatively early i think it would be totally normal for you it sounds like you have a like maybe plan the date that you want

to have okay sounds like you want to do something very specific something adventurous something maybe outdoors you know that allows you to like be active while get to know each other plan that and just say hey would you be i i want i'm going in town. Or right, you're going to be in town. You're going to see. Yeah. Yeah. I want to do this. I think we should do it.

Take it from that approach. I want to do this. I think we should do this. This is more than, would you be willing to do this type of thing? Okay. Don't come from that approach. More, I want to. I'm going to do this regardless.

Yeah. And we should. I'd like you to come. I'd like you to come. And we should do this. It'd be fun and then assuming that date goes just as well maybe you go out for drinks afterwards and maybe say hey let's do this during the day and maybe we'll have dinner later or something or and then the

next time you're like sitting down and talking just say i really have gotten to know like i really like what i know so far i would include the so far they'll hear the so far because the so far will keep them it'll stop them from panicking that you like them if they are and so far if you really emphasize this so far well what do you mean so far they'll they'll focus they'll focus on that and then that will like instead of worrying about whether you like them too much they'll be more inclined to want to continue to show you why you should like them. But more specifically, after you say that, you just say, hey, you know, like I really, this is what, and then say what you like about them. I really like how we're compatible in this area. I like, I like our sense of humor. I'd love to, I'd love to keep getting to know you.

And then maybe just talk about, like, I don't even know if this early you have to bring up the your concerns about the physical aspect. I think more importantly, you just want to check in with him about where you're at and what you like and just see how he responds. Because does he respond with, well, I really like you too, but I'm not really looking for a relationship right now. If he says that, then you have your answer. That is not a challenge to try to convince him to want to be in a relationship with you even though he doesn't want a relationship i think you would have a better response if you say oh thank you for your honesty just support i'm just sucks to hear and

just say that sucks to hear see what he says about that you know and then he might ask you know why does it suck to you know it's like well i mean I don't know. Like I said, I, I'm, I'm 30. You say you're 32, 31, 31, 31. You know, I'm a, I'm not, I'm not anxious. I'm not impatient, but I'm looking forward to meeting my person that, that day. And right now I'm not necessarily like, I'm an empowered woman who chose to have sex because I wanted to have sex with you. But like, that doesn't mean I'm, I'm looking for a fuck buddy. And between now and then, I've liked what I've learned. So I want to see if there's potential. If there's not potential, I don't need a regular hookup. One and done, man. You kind of bring that energy. So you'd be very clear about that you like what you know so far and that you're interested in getting to know him

more. Like I've talked about in many other different versions, you're just, you're just very confidently stating and checking in and giving an update of where you're at. And you say that confidently. Okay. And your objective is, is to get to what I want is to get to know you more. Maybe you guys have conversations around what does that look like? How do you, like, I know, and you can say like, I know neither of us are big texters, but like, we also don't get to see each other that much. Like, how do you usually get to know people? Like, what's your comfort level? See what he says. And then say how, what you would like and see if he responds, like, how would you like to get to know him? Hey, it would be like, I'd like to see you like a little bit more, or maybe we could try like

having a FaceTime date since we're not always in the same area. Like, you know, I'm trying new things out, you know, I'd love, but I do know, I just want to get to know you more. He doesn't know how my work schedule kind of goes. I have kind of made it seem like I haven't let him know that, you know, I'm purposely picking up these trips after I met him to see him. I wouldn't be in that town as often as I am without him. Do you think it would kind of freak him out if I was like, I could be here more, you know,

I don't want him to think I'm like chasing them around. Well, why don't you, well, let's just start with what we just talked about there. Okay. And just say, I like you and see what he says.

Uh, because you might get an answer where again if he again if he's just like well you know i'm not i like you too but i'm not looking for a girlfriend then i don't know if you need to like open up about that yeah because that's more like hey like you know we have similar lifestyles and things like that and maybe he says well you you yeah but you live in a different city you could say well clearly I'm able to travel and don't make it less about him. Just be like, I'm able to like go to places where, where I want to be. And clearly I want to be here because I want to get to know you.

So that was easy for me to do. Okay. Yeah. That's a different way of saying I, you know, like I came here because they, you know, like, yeah. So you're just like, I worked hard to give myself a lifestyle that gave me flexibility and options because I too like to be adventurous and it allows me to be in places where I want to be. And clearly I want to be here because I want to get to know you more. And like, so I'm not really worried about like long distance or things like that. So you just, you just change how you answer it a little bit.

Only bring that up if he brings it up as like a voice of concern as to why you might not be compatible. All right. I appreciate that yeah thank you but yeah i think just check in you know and and try not to put so much pressure on yourself yeah even when you asked me what i liked about him you know it's so much of a so far there's only so many things i even know those were good answers like what those were good answers It really speaks to like, I can see why with someone with your like lifestyle and like what you like, why you'd be drawn to someone like him. It seems like a compatibility fit and compatibility fits are like sometimes really hard to find when they're specific. And then, you know, you like the other stuff, you guys have hooked up. It seems to have

gone well. You're still talking. I mean, the benefit about having sex early on and still both of you still engaging, you realize that clearly there's more interest there because a lot of times you have sex with someone you're like well i'm good yeah just just check in and see where it goes from there and think more about progress rather than like trying to like get all your answers at once right okay i just am happy to know that just because my texting ability isn't that big it doesn't automatically pigeonhole me in that one spot. I don't think so. I think ask, how do you like to get to know someone?

How should we do this? How should we get to know each other? What works for us? Just have a conversation about what you're looking for and be very casual and chill about it. And if you're casual and chill and still scare them away, then that's not a you problem. That's a them problem. And then you're not sc chill and still scare them away, then that's not a you problem. That's a them problem. And then you're not scaring away a potential partner.

You're just getting answers on their emotional availability to give you what you want and deserve. People can scare people. You could be like, hey, I showed up in this city and I'm stalking you. If you said it like that, I'd be freaked out. But you putting in an effort to get to know someone shouldn't scare them. So is there a specific reason that I might try to hold off on having sex again? Or is it that's not really something that I put that much importance on?

I think it all depends on how this next conversation goes. Right? Okay. Because if you go on this event, like you guys go hiking or whatever it is, that much importance on i think it all depends on how this next conversation goes right okay because if you go on this event like you guys go hiking or whatever it is you gotta go on this nice outdoors date you have a good time you go out to dinner you're like hey i've really like it's been really fun i really like you like you don't have to say i really like you i've really enjoyed getting to know you i don't know really like it's been fun and uh i enjoy hanging out with you and just say that see See what he says. Immediately, he'll start like, he'll either say, I really like you too.

I've enjoyed getting to know you. Or he will say, there will be a button there. Listen for the butt. If there's no butt, then talk about how you guys can continue to get to know each other. If there is a butt, pay very close attention to what follows the butt. Because that is the real truth. Uh, but I'm not looking for a girlfriend now, but I'm really busy with work, but like my, you know, I'm moving or whatever. Like the, but is the real answer. The, I, the, the, I like you

or you're cool. All the stuff that comes before the butt are all things that like, they're, they're just being agreeable. If there's a a but there pay attention to that and then i would seriously consider not having sex with him unless unless you are fully prepared and again you know you like him so like you know you don't want to fuck buddy so that's where you like that's the imbalance that's the boundary you're going to enforce with this guy with this particular guy i've already had sex with him i i don't need to wonder what it's like having sex with them. Now I want to know if like, he's willing to like get to know me because I'm willing to get to know him.

And I don't, and, and, and continuing to have sex with this guy without a first having that conversation and be like, if he gives me an answer, I don't want to still have sex with him. We'll be me not enforcing this boundary with him.

It'll be showing him through my actions that I am okay with just having sex with him will be me not enforcing this boundary with him. It'll be showing him through my actions that I am okay with just having sex with him whenever he wants or whenever it's convenient for us without any expectation of him getting to know me for any specific goal, like the possibility of dating. So that's when you decide to not do that. Seems easy enough. Yeah. And I don't think you need to say it you don't be like well just so you know I'm not going to have sex with you you just don't just stop and then when he's just like oh I thought we could

like maybe hey listen it's cool man I just like I said I'm just not looking for that and it's fun and then see if he comes around alright well I appreciate all the advice I appreciate you calling keep us posted. I will.

Yeah. Want to know what happens. All right. Bye. Have a nice day. Take care. You too. Bye-bye.

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