The Viall Files - E501 Ask Nick Updates Special Episode - Part 3

Episode Date: November 11, 2022

Welcome back to The Viall Files! Today we have another special “where are they now” update show where we give you updates from our past callers, to see what’s happened in their situations and relationships since appearing on the show. We bring on our first caller who originally came on as a Texting Office Hour caller. She wanted help asking out the hot bank teller she would see regularly for her job. After getting advice to navigate shooting her shot, especially with the complication that he may have a GF, we get an update from this caller on if she’s found love. We then read an update from our caller that decided to follow our advice of sending a direct text asking if “you want a shot at the title.” We then bring on our next caller, who wanted to see a groomsman again after hooking up with him at a wedding. Having to travel to see him again, we get an update on if she could set proper expectations and see him again. We read another update, where our caller was struggling with her boyfriend’s cousin being jealous of them spending time together. We then bring on our last caller, who gives us an update on navigating the dating world, after last time calling, finding himself dating cheaters. We read our last update, where our caller struggled after finding out that the guy she was seeing had been talking to other girls on Snapchat.  To catch up on all of these callers original questions please see the show numbers:   Original Episode numbers for callers: Episode Number: 468 Going Deeper with LadyGang’s Jac & Keltie - Olivia & Shia, Cheating Exposed plus Addison Rae’s Mom Episode Number: 473 Ask Nick - My Sister Is a Bully Original Episode numbers for read updates: Episode Number: 424 Ask Nick - Can’t Date Me Because He’s “Dating” His Cousin Episode Number: 495 Ask Nick - Do You Want a Project or Do You Want a Boyfriend? Episode Number: 463 Ask Nick - He’s Dating Our Co-Worker Behind My Back “Don’t recreate red flags.” If you are interested in running a book club in your city, send an email to: [e-mail]  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article: Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit http://www.article.com/VIALL and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You can listen to The Vile Files ad-free on Amazon Music. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to a new and exciting and special episode of The Vile Files Ask Nick texting office update. We'll just call it Vile Files Update Edition. Kind of like update night. Update night. Update night.

It's like date night. Sure, yeah. Episode 501. Woo-hoo! Half a century. If you haven't listened to episode 500, it was a hoot. We also talked to Bartice, Nancy, and Raven from Love is Blind 3, as well as talked about the Selena Gomez documentary,

some other really fascinating cultural events. Miss Puerto Rico, Miss Argentina. Are married. Yeah. Good for them. so welcome to this another special episode update show i know you guys are loving it we still haven't really decided you know we're obviously we're going to continue to do this on some level are we going to do more where where where are more going to happen i don't know but uh we are glad you're really

enjoying these updates uh because we enjoy bringing them to you a little call to action from ask nick people out there um i have a couple like just like requests in terms of submissions that we're hoping to get you know we yeah we always appreciate the people who write us and who are vulnerable it's not easy to do and share their story a little behind the scenes we kind of showed you guys but but everyone's name is... Everyone makes up a name, which I've found to be one of our favorite points.

It's kind of fun. People really... You know this. We're always like, just pick a name. Doesn't matter. And you can tell, like most of them, it's like they really put a lot of thought into it. I'd say at least half the people calling, you can tell it's like a name they've always wanted. Yeah, when they played house as a kid, that was their name.

That was their name. It's kind of an endearing moment. But anyways, this is all to say it's anonymous. It's people's real ages. It's their fake names. We want to hear your stories. We obviously want to respect your privacy. But it would be a dream world.

I would love to get, you know, like how we've done mediation in a dream world i would love to get you know like how we've done mediation in the past i would love to do like some situationship mediations i know it's hard because to do this you're going to have to get the person you're in a situationship with to agree to come on this show and try to figure out why this is a situationship and not a relationship or why it's just kind of like a shit or get off the pot conversation so if you are in a situationship and you can try to convince the other half of your situationship to call and let's just see what happens but it's essentially let's shit or get off the pot type of thing and let's just have a little situationship mediation and when they inevitably

say i don't want to do that you're like oh are you scared i don't know i don't we're not gonna we don't want to amanda's like're like, oh, are you scared? We don't want to bully them. Amanda's going to bully them. They're going to pound town verbally. But I think it would be entertaining. So I don't know how we make this happen. If you have friends who are in a situation, who don't listen

to the show, if you have a brother or whatever. Or a friend with benefits. If you're friends and you'd be hooking up. Yeah, we would love to have some people who are just trying to get us some situationships. We want both of them calling in. I know this is a challenge to get both people, but let's try to make this happen.

I know we all want to listen to this. I know it'll be- Help us help you. It'll be really... And make great content. Also, if you have just really good first aid stories. So even if you don't necessarily need advice or whatever, I'd want to hear from both men and women. Also, ladies, we have some good male callers on here, but encourage your... even if they're not listening to the show if you have a guy fred who's constantly coming to you for advice suggest maybe them

calling into the show i want to hear from men and women individually heterosexual men and women certainly gay too but we want to i want to hear from the disconnect on first dates with the struggles of heterosexual men and heterosexual women. And so encourage them to write in. But those situationships, let's try to get a situationship or two or three. I'd love to make it a regular thing. Shit or get off the pot. Yeah. Is that the title of the segment?

I want it to be. Kind of. I like it. We'll come up with something different. For a man who hates poop, it's a funny title. Anyway. We should play a game where you say a sentence, and then we see how long it takes Allie to work poop into the conversation.

You know what I mean? He's the one who said shit multiple times before I said poop. No, no, no. I know. I know. I was holding myself back. This is a separate pitch. This is a separate pitch.

Well, because I was just thinking to myself, I was like, well, as someone who struggles, like I'm trying to get the poop out, but it's like I have to sit on the pot for a while before it happens. It's not my fault. It's taking a while. So, you know, going through breakups, brutal for anyone who's going through a breakup. We are we stand in solidarity with you.

It is can it's a it's a nightmare. And so sometimes a song is really just the thing you need to get into your feels get the catharsis out so we were thinking we're going to start doing a breakup song of the week so dm the vile files instagram click follow if it's not already followed and then shoot us a dm with your go-to breakup song and we will go through and pick a new one to we got to pitch us why yeah explain the context yeah i would say what did it do for you how did it make you feel what was your state of mind and send the most cutting lyric like the lyric that really gets you yeah you need to lead this off with what is the breakup song of the week this week oh my god okay well why i was God. Okay. Well, I was going to say our good friend of show, Rozzy, Joshua Tree.

Okay. It's a good one. Why is it your breakup song of the week? Because I think it does such a good job of articulating the way you can like simultaneously feel so disconnected and hurt by someone and look back at like the wreckage of this relationship and how it was like just crumbling in your hands, but also have this like romanticism and still like remember these like beautiful moments and like trying to hold both of those things at once. What's the lyric? The night that I told you that I wouldn't marry you,

I could feel from the floor to the ceilings your walls came up. So I pulled you closer and you pushed me further and nothing would matter. We kept getting sadder and called it love. and you pushed me further and nothing would matter. We kept getting sadder and called it love. I think the like that back and forth of like the pushing and pulling and how like you know in your gut like you're unhappy and that this is like disintegrating and it's so sad but how you're just like still slapping the name love on it. And I also just think like the way she's like,

I hope you think of Joshua Tree that summer. First of all, as an LA girly. I feel like that's Joshua Tree yeah because like there's that moment like you think about like that like those beautiful memories that are like almost like impenetrable like no matter how much shit went down you just have these like golden moments that will still play in your mind and like I think it's really beautiful being like I hope that when you like think of me I hope it's those things and not all of the shittiness that happened towards the end

well if you for next week's breakup song of the week DM or email or both DM vile files DM the vile files Instagram let us know what's been getting you through song of the week, title of song, why, lyric,

and why it spoke to you. What was the lesson that you learned? Why should people, how does it make you feel? Let's help each other out. And then we'll make a Spotify playlist. Yeah, we're going to make a playlist. We're going to get through breakups together. And community. It's going to be okay.

Start one, Rozzy. Joshua Tree. Joshua Tree. All right. Well, we have some great updates for you. Next week, we have Jason Nash on Going Deeper. And we have an amazing

Ask Nick episode for you next Monday. Don't forget to send those questions. AskNick at CastMe.com. Cast with a K. Don't forget to order Don't Text Your Ex Happy me.com cast for the k don't forget to order don't text your ex happy birthday it's available vile files.com or anywhere you buy books audiobooks if you just go to vile files.com there's a link for everywhere if you want to support indie bookstores bookshop.org or indie bound or options amazon is obviously there audible things like that i really

hope you guys who haven't read it yet give it a shot i think you will really enjoy it if anyone's struggling in a situation ship anyone who's questioning whether you should stay or go into a relationship, anyone having a hard time getting over a relationship, anyone who's struggling with dating or confused about hookup culture, any of those things, I promise you'll enjoy it. I heard it's a decent read.

So check it out. Let's get to our updates. Hey, what a great time to update the furniture in your home. I mean, we all know, ladies, we love a good, let's move things around. Let's just mix it up. Let's get new chairs. These cushions don't look nice. We need something here. I hear it all the time. If you need something, and I'm guessing, you I'm guessing maybe the men in your lives might be a bit resistant to some sudden change. So find yourself, convince them by showing them Article because it's incredibly affordable. It's nice. And they'll be more apt to want to give you the

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will be automatically applied at checkout. That's A-R-T-I-C-L-E.com slash V-I-A-L-L for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. You save up to 30% over traditional retail prices. Welcome back, Kylie. How are you doing? I'm doing good. Great. So last time, well, you tell us, last time you called, give us a quick why did you call update. Yeah, I wanted to shoot my shot with a bank teller that I see every single day at work. And I was quitting that job and I was like, this is the perfect opportunity to do it. Great. And for those of you who don't remember, we're going to play a quick clip about the call and the advice we gave.

clip about the call and the advice we gave? So I work for a small company and I do their bank deposits every single day. And the bank tellers are like my co-workers, I would say, and I've gotten to know them really well. And there's another... So you're showing up on the regular to deposit stuffs for work. Yes. And there's a hottie bank teller. Yes. He's my age. we have a lot in common he always asks about my life i know a lot about his life just from going there consistently for the last year and a half so for a year and a half you've been building his this is a rom-com i love all this sexual tension yes yeah yes do you and do we know for sure he's single so here's the deal

like six months ago he told me about his long distance girlfriend he had. Okay. And I haven't heard about her in a long time. Have you, do you know his last name? Have you stalked him on social media? I have stalked him. He's super private. So it's like I need to either request him or just shoot my shot in person.

Next time you go. You just said you talked to him a lot about a lot of different things and at one point six months ago he brought up this long distance girlfriend of which you haven't heard about recently yeah so bring it up in conversation how's that girlfriend of yours it's literally all you have to say oh that's cute okay your immediate follow-up is well you, you know, we broke up. You'd be like, great. Right, now we can go out.

Let's get together. Let's go out. Do you guys have like, do you have like flirty vibes? Like, is there a flirtation between you? Oh, yes. I like the note idea. I'm not going to lie. I like the note too, but I'm a girl.

Yeah. I'm saying as a guy, I just ask. Really? I don't need the note. They don't have each other's phone number. So there's the awkward like, okay, cool. Let me give you my phone. Have your phone number ready on a piece of paper.

You could play it a little softer. It's going to take two visits. And you can give them a chance to ask you out. How's that girlfriend of yours? We broke up. Your immediate response after we broke up is, thank God. But you don't say anything else. Whoa.

You just see what he says or what about like oh really like a little no no no thank God just say thank God

she was terrible for you you obviously know nothing about her yeah what if she goes oh what if she goes thank God

if she's like oh you broke up thank God I can't wait for you to ask me out. And then just walks away. You could do that. That's a lot of good. That is good.

I will never hear the end of it from his other coworkers. It doesn't matter. That's great. And then wear a nice pair of pants and make your butt look really good so he can watch you bouncing away. You could do that. That's strong. But you could do that.

I'm saying the thing, God, and you just make great eye contact. I can't wait for us to just make great eye contact. You say that with your eyes, but you just say, thank God. See if he has like because then like you're literally I mean, unless he's a dumb dumb, you're really making it obvious. All right. So remind me, what did we say to send? Well, you suggested a note and then you suggested just asking about the girlfriend. My sister, who has a police officer

as her husband said do not send a note they'll call the police and whatever wait remind me of the slide a note under the note yeah oh i see at a bank oh at a bank we yeah i can see why i'm so glad you got another opinion by sliding a note at a bank might be perceived as you possibly robbing said bank yeah it's like you know and to be mysterious you should totally wear a ski mask go with an empty bag have your hands in your pockets yeah empty bag to show you have no baggage and i loved the advice of just asking about his girlfriend so I ended up doing that and he still has a girlfriend he still has a girlfriend okay yeah so you were at the bank and you just said how's your something about his girlfriend yeah I was like how are you and

your girlfriend is she back in town yet and he told me all about it so okay did you did you get a sense from him that you he thought you were shooting your shot with him or no it was very slight it was super great what else is new where are we at well how's your love life well my love life is great i saw him the next week at a bar I go to where we, it's a country swing dance bar. And he hung out with my friends and I, and I was going to teach him how to dance. And he was hanging out with us, but his girlfriend wasn't there. And I asked several times about his girlfriend. And he was so touchy feely with all of us girls that I was like, this is interesting.

And then what happened? And then right before he left, he came back and found me and asked how he could keep in touch with me. And I don't really have Instagram or Snapchat. And so I was like, I guess you can have my phone number. Me being like, if he has my number, like he's doing what he wants with it. I'm not doing anything with it. And then he texted me like kind of a drunk text later that night, but then like, I didn't reply. And then the next day regretted it, sent me this whole speech about how he was so sorry about the way he acted and it wasn't fair to me or his girlfriend and blah, blah, blah. And he had to clear his conscience. He said, Kaylee, I wanted to

apologize. I feel like I was being inappropriate to you and disrespectful to my girlfriend that I really adore. And now I feel like I put you in an awkward situation by even texting you. And this might be a weird text to send, but it's just been bothering me. And I try to keep my conscience clean. What do we think? What do we think? Oh, I felt really icky. And I don't feel like you didn't do anything. Well, like he put me in that position of feeling guilty when I had nothing to feel guilty about. Sure. Yeah.

That's what he was apologizing for though. So I'm not condoning his action, but I, you know, it's better that he said something in the morning, I guess, but I don't think a lot of people in his position, if you were his girlfriend,

how would that make you feel? Not good because he's going to go and be touchy feely with a bunch of other people next week i don't know so maybe you dodged a bullet even i don't think i what do you think i think i dodged like would you want to be with someone who like when you knew you weren't with them would potentially get drunk and message girls i think you should absolutely use this as a great way to like just be glad that nothing happened for sure i'm just more like well that same night i ended up meeting my current boyfriend so it all works out really and now you're in love great yeah what a story wow i'm just more like i i i want to believe that this guy got a little

sauced has had a like met a fun group of women maybe had too much to drink definitely crossed some boundaries do you think he told his girlfriend based off of that text kind of but also like i would break up with him if he told me that honestly i don't know i don't know how long they've been together either so yeah yeah i i want to believe he'll never do that again i just he could have easily not have responded to you. It took some maturity on his part to send that text. And it sounded like he completely owned his behavior and said he was wrong. He still did the wrong thing, but at least, you know, we all make mistakes. I'm glad he owned up to it.

Not your problem anymore, but I'm just more fascinated. In some ways, i'm like i regret even giving him my number but like what were my other options just being like no he asked for it and you weren't sure what his relationship status was so you had every right to give him your number yeah i mean also you're probably drinking i mean like in the most righteous world in the world you knew he had a girlfriend you wouldn't have given it but like yeah it's not really your fault and for all you know like i'm sure there was parts of you who were thinking in the moment knew he had a girlfriend you wouldn't have given it but like yeah it's not really your fault and for all you know like i'm sure there was parts of you who were thinking in the moment maybe it's

on rocky ground maybe they're about to break up maybe you know i don't know why he's doing this and you had an appropriate amount of hesitation to give him your number you still gave it i think i think your conscious is completely clean and it sounds like had he reached you didn't respond to the late message did you respond to that message i did yeah after a while i was like oh okay i need to figure out what i want to say and i just validated of like yeah that was awkward yeah and now we're in love how'd you meet your current boyfriend that night well this is a story in itself but i was supposed to go on a hinge date with my boyfriend's best friend and before we went on a date i ended up playing a co-ed group of volleyball with his friends i didn't end up liking hinge boy whatsoever

but it vibed with his best friend and i the whole time we did it we ghosted each other and i was like thinking the whole time how am i gonna find this kid again like i it would be awkward to reach out to him to ask for his best friend's number and then four months go by and i run into him at the bar oh wow beautiful yeah and did you shoot your shot maybe you're the one who made the move or did he? He shot his shot. Okay. So you both were vibing. Okay.

Was this before or after bank teller number? They were kind of happening simultaneously. What a night. Oh. What a night. Big night. You're killing it. Yeah. All right.

Well, that's great. Well, success. A plot twist, but a success nonetheless. All right. It is. Yeah. Yeah. We've been together like three months now. He's going to Christmas in Florida with my family and I. Oh, wow.

Yay! Okay. What's your favorite thing about the relationship? They like him a lot. Yeah. He's very sweet and very adult, has his life together. Yeah. What's one thing you hope to learn about him? I think I want to learn more about his family dynamics. They all live pretty far away from where we live right now. So I would like to see how his relationships are with his family. Awesome. Great.

Yeah. Keep learning. Keep checking in. Awesome. Congrats. Thank you for the update. Yeah. You're welcome.

Happy holidays. Enjoy it with your boyfriend. Thank you. All right. Take care. You too. All right. Enjoy it with your boyfriend. Thank you. All right. Take care. You too. All right. Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye. All right. So this was episode 463, our girl Maggie. She'd been on a few dates with this guy. Is this the texting office hours? Yes. Okay.

Yes. And things had been going well back when they were originally dating. And she said, I like with this is headed and I just want to let you know that I'm developing feelings for you and make sure we're on the same page. Like I don't want us to have any kind of disconnect. He said, I'm not on that page. I just got out of a toxic relationship. So they broke things off, stopped dating, but started hooking up casually. And they see each other around town every now and then. And whenever they hang out or run into each other, it's always as if no time has passed. And so she's wondering if it's worth trying to rekindle

and shoot her shot again. Gotcha. I think we have a clip of the call. So let's play a quick clip of her question and what we told her to send. And then we'll play an update. So I have been single for about a year, year and a half now, and I moved to a new city pretty quick after that. And since being here, I've been dating on dating apps, meeting people, all that stuff. And so last summer around this time, I went on a date with a guy, we'll call him Matt. And he immediately, I could just tell that there was like a spark, it was different than just normal dates, things like that, that we were getting along pretty well.

So we kept seeing each other kept going on dates. And it was pretty, pretty frequently seeing each other. So then within about a few weeks, probably more like a month, And so then within about a few weeks, probably more like a month, which was probably too fast, but whatever, I told him that I had genuine feelings for him and that I was not in any rush to be in a relationship with him or anything like that. But I had like actual feelings for him and it wasn't just like a casual thing for me. He basically thought that I was asking for a relationship, wanting to define things and said that he wasn't looking for anything serious. He couldn't be like thinking like that and wasn't the best about it. So then after that- Even though you made it clear that you were, you're just like, hey, I'm just telling you that I think this is going well. I'm excited about you. They are cool. Yes. No pressure. Yes. Yeah. And he panicked. Yes. Yeah. He panicked for sure.

Um, and he wasn't like mean about it, but he just definitely wasn't getting, I don't think he believed me kind of like, like he just didn't believe that I was really in no rush. Um, so anyways, after that we stopped going on dates, stopped seeing each other regularly, but, um, we live in like a relatively small place. So I would see him out, things like that. Um, we would occasionally like stay the night together, things like that, but, um, not like regularly. And then would occasionally hear from each other on social media, texting, things like that.

But it wasn't like, wasn't anything consistent. Ask him if he wants to get drinks. If he says, nah, I'm busy and flakes, then I think you just have your answer for now. It wouldn't shock me if you guys run into each other again, or he reaches out when he's bored or lonely, whatever. And at that point, you can respond and say, hey, I don't want to blow you off or anything like that. I'm interested in you. And you just seem like that's not what you're looking for. And I don't want to blow you off or anything like that. I just like, I'm interested in you. And you just seem like that's not what you're looking for. And I don't really want to hang out at your convenience. Yeah.

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Just keep it simple. I'm making the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say, hey, we're the Brav Bros. Two guys that talk about Bravo. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the Brav Bros. No. Oh.

Dude, stop with the voice. Just keep it simple. I've seen promos on TV, dude. This is how you get the fans engaged. This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get listeners here. If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it already. We need some oomph. All right, then fine. let's try to do it with your voice brav bros good job you know yeah simple enough you definitely want to do dinner or would you be open to doing

drinks or something because if it's like a bar with darts or like pool or whatever else then you could kind of be like i challenge you to a a game. Or you know what would be so cute, honestly? What if you text them, you want a shot at the title? Wait, what was that? Just text them, you want a shot at the title. Okay, response. What? What?

Exactly. Okay. And then you challenge them to like, you pretend to be really good at pool. Maybe you are. Are you good at pool or darts or like something or mini golf? And then you say. I'm an at pool. Maybe you are. Are you good at pool or darts or like something or mini golf? And then you say. I'm an undefeated mini golf champ. I took third place in mini golf in my high school.

And I just don't think you can beat me. Yeah. Or if you were like, yeah, I'm like just out of the blue tax. I'm like the reigning air hockey champion. Like. I think you start with, do you want to shout out the title? You're really into these vague. Yes. Every response to a Nick Texas do you want to shout out the title no I think if I want to

make a bet because if a guy who's interested in you gets that message he's gonna like the playfulness the challenge the average dude is often competitive they'd like confidence and if he doesn't like you he won't go out with you yeah we're basing this text on the assumption that he has some interest in you and you want to see if he's interested in exploring so like let's not give a shit about what figuring out whether he likes you or not we're gonna just operate as if he might and if he doesn't respond then we you get you got your answer all right so what's the update well she went with the uh the shot at the title text which you hated i did not like what and if i remember it was something like we

didn't we say skeeball or something so you just started with do you want a shot at the title which no but that's what i started with and then i think we together came up with some sort of like no that was the second text was the first no first text? No, the first text was just, do you want a shot at the title? See if you responded and then add context. And I was like, too weird. And I will say someone DM'd me and was like, thanks for standing your ground, Allie.

I agree. But we were like, it's weird that it will like pull him in. You know, like he'll be like, what is she talking about? That was, yeah. Anyway, we understand. She texted it. She said, do you want a shot at the title? He responded with a question mark.

There you go. One single question mark. So far, right on cue. We knew it. Just as we hoped. Just as we expected. Simmer. Let's simmer.

This is all about getting a response. We were not. This was not a. And it was a real robust one. Okay. She says, I'm reigning skeeball champ at, insert bar here, and I think you should take a shot at taking my title next week. And then he said, I didn't even know there was skeeball league at blank.

What night is this? Okay. So somewhat off to a good start. So he thinks this is a rec league. He's not. And he wants in. So he doesn't have a sense of humor he wants the trophy um and she says absolutely not a league i'm just interested in spending time with you and i think that'd be fun and he said

oh i gotcha ha ha ha i was about to say what a wild thing to have a league for i don't feel like that's super wild but whatever yeah i just kind I just kind of worry that, like, is that a great idea? Because I don't want to, like, restart the cycle and keep putting you in the situation we have been in a few times before because that's not remotely fair to you. She said, I'm not interested in restarting that cycle. I'm interested in getting to know you more. And then she said. That's at, like, 11.55 p.m. So then the next morning, 8. And then she said. Right. That's at like 11. Yeah, he didn't respond. 55 p.m.

So then the next morning, 8.16 a.m., she says, look, if you're worried about losing. He didn't respond. At all. And the next morning.

At 8.16. She sent another message in the morning and her first word was look. Yes. Yep. Okay. Commanding attention.

Look, if you're worried about losing skeeball, you can just say that and we can do something else to save your pride. I got to like that. It's fun. It's funny. But actually, I just enjoy talking to you and I'm not under some impression that we haven't had cycles or any history.

I don't want to hook up with you. I don't want to make this some big thing. I just thought it would be nice to spend time with you. If that's not something you're remotely interested in, very cool, and I won't mention it again. Just wanted to put it out there that I would be very interested to do that because I do have interest in you. That's all. It's not that deep. I would have loved every, I loved everything up until it's not that deep. He responded at 5.40 p.m. and said, I'm terrified of losing in skeeball. Not my strongest skill for sure. LOL. Okay, he's joking. Yeah, he's finally getting it. He's coming around. Look who boarded

the joke train. Yay! Oh, for sure. Then when we are out and I'm in town for a weekend, we can for sure meet up and hang out at blank. But yeah, sorry about being weird. This kind of just hit me out of the blue. LOL. And then she actually reached out to us. This seems positive

so far. So that was his last message. She then DM'd Amanda and I to give us an update, sent us the screenshots. We actually saw these pretty quickly after she was on the show. Wait, you guys were giving advice? Without you, yes. Outside of the show? We went rogue. Yeah.

You went rogue? It's a mutiny. All right. Well, I just disclaimer. And then what happened? Where are we now? It's like you come at the king you best not miss. Yeah, like what happened?

Okay. So she sent us the screenshots, and I said, hey, I'm not sure what Amanda or Nick would say. See, I did clearance. I was not responding for all of us. Oh, this is by yourself? I don't know if you responded. Did you respond to her, or was it just me? I'm bad at responding.

I'm so sorry to this girl. I never responded. Don't worry, guys. I got it. I said, hey, I'm not sure what Amanda or Nick would say, but at this point, I think you've put it out there of what you want and explain to him that you're just interested. He can now decide if he wants to act on it, but I don't think it's your responsibility to message again or create the actual plan. We can play the cool, chill girl even if you're freaking inside. Ha ha. Fake it till you make it.

He says he doesn't want to, quote, restart the cycle, so it's up to him to make the changes so it doesn't become that. Unfortunately, it has to be mutual effort on moving forward, and if he's not ready to put in his 50%, we need to find you someone that will.

I'd be like, girl, you gotta get digged down by someone new. Yeah, but you never answered. You're not even in this chat. I was joking because you already wrote that and I was like, that's perfect. I don't know what I can add.

Amanda just writes, get that dick. That was a great response. What did she say? Thank you. She just said, totally in agreement, y'all are the best for real.

Was that it? Is there any update other than that? Nothing happened? So after this happened, this is a saga. He responded to a Snap story I put up a few days later that following

weekend. It was a brief comment, very unsubstantial. So I decided not to respond to that message as well because I felt like I already got my answer that he wasn't interested. I then saw him back to back weekends when we were out and he was definitely avoiding talking to me. After the second weekend of seeing him, I woke up the following morning to a 1 a.m. missed call from him. After a lot of going back and forth, I decided to text him to ask him to not do that anymore. And the response was amazing. Okay, so she texted at 11.33 a.m. Hey, so I meant it when I said I'm not interested in hooking up and restarting that cycle. I put it out there that I'd be interested in seeing you

outside of that setting, and you didn't seem to understand that slash reciprocate it and that's fine but that's that so please don't call me like that anymore and he said yeah same my roommate got blacked out and accidentally locked me out of my apartment and I was calling a lot of people honestly just looking for a couch or in general a ceiling over my head in well in blank I don't know what that means. Yeah. Slept on a chair on my porch. Sorry about it. Won't happen again. That's not him. That's his bad.

You shouldn't. No, you don't. She said she removed him from all socials, fully closed that book, and is feeling much better. Great. She says, thanks for the help and hope you can all get a laugh out of this. That was great. I thought she did excellent. She killed it yeah

round of applause shout out because i think we need to like and she got a very like vulnerable and the fact that the last thing he said is like i slept on a chair yeah i mean she must have felt better about that i feel better on her he really had to like shame himself he had a choice between being like yeah i am not listening to your requests. I'm a fuck boy. And I called you at 104 to acknowledging. That's what standing in her power and standing her ground and enforcing her boundary ended up to. It was better for him to admit that he was too blackout and got locked out of his house and slept or his friend was or something or just probably a story you don't want to share

it's an important lesson too because i think a lot of times we have callers or like i've experienced in my own life where you feel like you don't want to shoot your shot or put yourself out there because you're very vulnerable and then it gives them all the power and the control and this is a perfect example of she put it out there he didn't even really fully reciprocate it he was still trying to like fuck boyer and then because she just still maintained the boundary even after expressing interest she still has all the power and he's just like i'm sorry just because she said i'm interested in you and he was kind of like lukewarm about it she was not just like constantly available for him i slept in a park yeah it's great there we go queen go off, queen. Go off. Well done. We salute you.

Welcome back, Emily. How are you doing? Hello, Nick. It's good to talk to you again. Yeah, it's good. I'm doing well. How about you? I'm doing well. It's good to have you back.

Always appreciate people giving us updates. So remind the audience why you called last time. Let's play a clip. So two weeks ago, I was at my friend's wedding and i met one of the groomsmen and we just really hit it off and had a pretty natural connection and ended up spending the night together um and we hooked up he currently lives in philadelphia and i'm in texas so there's quite a bit of distance there but i have a friend in the city that he lives in who i was already planning on going to see in the next couple of months. So I was looking for advice on

how to draft a text of saying like, I'm going to be in your city and wanting to see him without applying too much pressure on it. Okay. I also feel like if you have a friend in Philly, go to Philly. Be like, hey, I'm dying to see you again. I'm going to be in Philly in two weeks. Let's have dinner. And if you hook up again, like you have to get right with your expectations, like Nick said, but I'm all for like, take the wheels of your own life and just like go make your destiny happen and blame it on your friend in Philadelphia who loves so much. You're barely going to see because you're going to be hooking up with this guy the whole time. So fun. So there's this whole concept that I didn't make up, but it's like the vacation boyfriend. It's like every time that I would go on vacation or I'd go to a wedding, like I'd find the love of my life. And then I feel like we

romanticize that because how great of a story would it be if we met at a wedding and we hooked up and then we were long distance dating and then we fell in love. Like I did this all of the time. And then I think you kind of get this idea in your head that is a lot bigger than what it is, because in reality, you don't really know this guy. He barely knows you. And obviously, your communication styles are different if he's not a big texter. So what I would recommend, and I tell my younger self this, that I've done this in so many different situations, is make that trip to Philly, go see your friend, and then tell him maybe when it's closer to when you're're actually going like i'm planning this trip i would love to see you and see what happens i think you just put it out there via text right now that you really enjoy the time you got to know him and you hook up or

whatever and you just see what he says and at most likely you'll get some kind of like well you know i'm not really looking for gopher right now you live far half across the country but at least you put it out there yep and you stay to what you want. And then you can see if he responds. Or you don't do that quite yet because you only hooked up once and you probably already know the response. And since you know you're going to visit him,

I would book the trip and maybe not wait till the end. Yes, give him a slight heads up. Just be like, hey, you know, I'm visiting my friends and family. I'd love to see you. Keep it real short and brief. Not like I'm going to be busy, Keep it real short and brief. Not like, I'm going to be busy, but hopefully maybe we can run into each other and see if he makes that up. Or just

knows that you're coming into town and just makes that a priority to see you. And then when you hang out with them, you can see if you have another good weekend, decide whether you want to have sex or not, suss it out. And if you have a good weekend, then at that point, you should at least put yourself out there and say, hey, I've really enjoyed the wedding. I enjoyed this weekend. Let's see where it goes. But at least you'll have your, you know,

I would do that. You were shooting your shot with a wedding guy. Yes. Yeah. So I was at my friend's wedding and I had a fun time with this groomsman who was at the wedding and wanted to see him again when I was going. Plenty on at my friend's wedding and I was I had a fun time with this groomsman who's at the wedding and wanted to see him again when I was going planning on visiting my friend who lives in

Philly which is where he lives and I wasn't sure exactly how to text him like that I was going there so I used your advice that I just said like giving him a heads up of saying that I was going and then he responded and was like seeming eager seeming to be eager about seeing me again so that was positive but then I didn't try to keep up any conversation after that like for your advice um so I just let it be and he didn't either so you said not you sent in the text on September 6th and you wrote hey I'm gonna be in Philly October 13th to the 17th to the 17th to visit my friends Allison

and some family. I'll be pretty busy, but if you're around, it'd be fun to see you. That feels like a quintessential took Nick's advice, said you were going to be busy, not infinitely available to him.

But it'd be fun to see you. I love it. He wrote a day later at 8.21 p.m. Yours was at 10.30 p.m. You sent the late night text. Interesting. Interesting choice.

It's fine. He wrote, Emily, hey, yes, for sure. Would love to see you. Two exclamation points. First it was, Emily, hey, exclamation point. Then it was,

yes, for sure. Would love to see you. Two exclamation points. Sorry, I've been MIA. I've had a lot of back to school stuff going on and you wrote back, the next day in the afternoon.

Everyone's waiting a day to respond. Love that. No worries. Hope school is going well so far and sounds good. We can figure out a plan once it's closer. Great. Yeah. Whatever.

I would have left out we can figure out a plan once it's closer. But whatever. I'm nitpicking. Yeah. I just didn't. I kind of wanted to see if he was going to try to keep it up. Or I kind of ended it. out we can figure out a plan once it's closer but whatever i'm nitpicking yeah i just didn't i kind of wanted to like see if he was going to try to keep it up or like i kind of ended it so i didn't really care if nothing was going to happen yeah he didn't uh he didn't acknowledge that or respond to that nothing yeah he just left that alone which i kind of expected because that was kind of his

communication style already so and then on october 13th, so five weeks or so-ish later, you wrote, I'm in Philly. Do you know if you're available over the next few days? And then he exclamation point responded to that. That's some enthusiasm. He didn't write the same day, only four hours later. Emily, hey, why does he say your name first? I have no idea.

Not Hay Emily. It's always Emily Hay. Also, it's a text. We know he's talking to you. Yeah. This is a random observation. I saw that too. I have a pretty busy weekend.

How long you here for? Question mark. I'll be here till Tuesday past the weekend. Oh, does Monday night work? I could maybe do later tomorrow night, but probably not have a paper due at midnight. You're like, yeah, Monday night would work. What do you want to do? Before I just read all the text messages, just tell the rest of the story.

So I was trying to be like, when I responded, like, I'll be here until Tuesday. I was trying to see what he was going to initiate after he said he was busy. I wasn't really trying to see him other than what he was trying to see me because I was busy with my friends. I had a lot going on as well. So I wasn't and I was going on my terms, not really his terms necessarily. And I was going on my terms, not really his terms necessarily. So I didn't try to text him over the weekend at all, except for trying to figure out like a place that we were going to,

because I had another plan going on that Monday night as well. So kind of just let it be and seeing his actions and seeing what he was going to do, if he was going to place a priority on wanting to see me. And based on our text messages, you can kind of see that. It didn't really seem that he wanted to see me more than just that once when he was busy i mean understandably he had stuff going on for school but if he really wanted to see me i think he could have tried to see me more than just that once um totally so i kind of just i was going into the weekend or this trip because it was longer than the weekend like with pretty low like no expectations, just to set them as low as I could, basically, because I didn't really know what was going to happen

because we hadn't talked at all for those past five weeks that I told him I was going to be there. And so I also felt that if he was truly interested in wanting to continue something, that he would have texted me more. Did you end up meeting up with him? So we did, yeah. So we did meet up that Monday night

we got drinks and I went into that also trying to be like little to no expectations of like what was gonna happen I knew it got along well from the first time we met after the wedding and hooked up that night so I didn't really know if this was also gonna lead into a hookup situation or not because I know now like after I did text with him like if I did it was going to be a casual thing but so I was kind of going into that night seeming like okay we'll see what happens and how I feel about it and I talked to him we were just catching up about our lives because it had been a while since we had really talked and I was asking him questions about like what his dating life was looking like recently and kind of stuff like kind of understand like what his goals were in that sense and it seemed like he wasn't looking

for anything because of what he was saying and i took that from what he said not trying to change his mind or anything just he said he wasn't looking for anything so i knew that he wasn't looking for anything love it um so because he's in scoring now he's going to be moving after he finishes this year so that's also why he was like trying not to date really right now because he's in scoring now he's going to be moving after he finishes this year so that's also why he was like trying not to date really right now because he's in a transitional period so i knew that also implied that he wasn't going to try to want to do anything long distance so i took that for what it was and didn't even try to ask about that and just like i knew from that conversation also that i didn't want to try for that with him

either and it was a fun time seeing him and then we ended up actually spending i sent him his again but did you hook up it was yeah we did and then but i mean let me ask you this did when you when you hooked up did you feel did you feel more in control of your decision like did you feel like what why did you hook up with him that night i guess yeah so i kind of wanted to see what it would feel like this time around like not right after a wedding like i feel like there was a lot of emotions high that night of being in the wedding situation i think i wanted to just see how it would be again not in a wedding situation um if there are any differences and i noticed things that i necessarily like maybe put off a little bit like the last time i was like oh this will like with physical stuff i thought it was like good but it wasn't like the best i

was like maybe that was because we were drunk and situation but then this time around it was kind of the same way and so it also kind of let me see what it was and wasn't fully physically compatible as much as i thought it could be that's amazing how how how much more honest with yourself and how like your ability to read the situation and like your objectiveness when like you went into the sex part kind of like with clearer eyes like you had gotten your answer like you it sounds like you decided to have sexism like Like, cause you're like, well, I'm in Philly and I kind of want to like hook up, but I want to like, I want to have fun. You did it to have fun and you weren't trying to seal a deal or anything like that. Cause it sounds like you got a lot of clarity with the conversation.

And at that point you're just like, this was straight hookup. And then you were able to kind of see it a little more honestly. Yeah. And I also bring up the fact that how he wasn't a great communicator and he fully admitted to that and was saying that he thinks that's his worst trait and he's trying to work on it and so i even joked with him because he i think i mentioned this my last call that i was saying how my friend mentioned to me that he also wasn't good at communicating with him but he didn't even respond to a text that my friend sent him but he was responding to me and so I joked was like oh you couldn't even respond to this friend and he's like and I said oh you're responding to me and not him he's like well I didn't have sex with him so I was like oh okay at least you have some

standards and some people you respond to but I just like made fun of him for that um so I thought that was funny sure how do you now assess this experience and what if anything are you going to take from it going forward with dating i i learned a lot from the experience because i and my past experience isn't currently too i feel like sometimes i can jump in a little bit too fast in the beginning and not necessarily think of it in a whole like what the situation is entirely and so I tried to take a step back like after talking to you and I was like yeah like I really don't really need to talk to him like if he wants to talk to me he'll talk to me kind of thing and

I don't I knew the distance also was an impactful part of that and how we weren't really communicating because we couldn't really see each other and so I wanted to focus more on just what I wanted and going into that I had a lot of I felt like I had more power in that because I also was going into like do I even really like this guy that much because I only see them really one night and so I thought like I had more clarity on that as well and just getting answers to the questions that I had that were just related to dating and what his goals are just in general and I noticed that those definitely did not align with what I was wanting and so that's why in that moment I just knew okay this can be a fun night

and I can like this is fine I had more clarity and closure after that situation I think then if I didn't text him if I didn't see him again I think I had that a lot more than I when I did see him so I'm glad I went through with that and texted him that I was there and not just say that like I just wanted to see him again see what was going to happen yeah and it sounds like maybe it'll probably change your approach to like dating going forward especially on first dates it sounds like you were far more intentional with this second date with him. You went in there with specific questions that you wanted to ask him, and it sounds like you were really willing to listen to his answers and then just try to hear

his answers and take him at face value. Yeah, definitely. And that's definitely what I'll take into future dating situations and also seeing the actions that they're showing and knowing that I know you give this advice that if they're inconsistent and they're not really that excited about you and so I also played into a role of like I know he wasn't texting me so he wasn't being consistent so I didn't think he was that into me but there's a recent guy that I actually another long distance thing that I saw him when I visited friends in Maryland and he's texted me now like every day since I've seen him and I like noticed that difference as well like okay this guy I don't I didn't know I was going to see him going into that trip but I did

and then it's like night and day compared to communication compared to the one in Philly that's great are you is that still going on? Yeah. So we're still talking. I'm going to visit other friends of mine in New York in a month and he has family in New York. So he's planning on coming in that time as well. So we'll see each other, but also is the situation also kind of up in the air? Cause I don't really know what that is going to be, but I'm also taking your advice and just seeing like not trying to set like any unrealistic expectations

with that just seeing what will happen once we see yeah enjoy it i mean like listen it's fun to know that someone's excited about you and it's fun to see that consistency but just you know not to be a debbie downer there but like that could be a you know a red flag too if you know sometimes that that's where the whole like love bomber stuff comes up people get excited they say a bunch of shit you know it's like oh they were so into me and then they changed so enjoy his excitement but still ask question you know what i'm saying still get to know him yeah and still kind of suss him out and still listen to his answers because sometimes someone's excitement can be really intoxicating as well yeah for, for sure.

And it's been mostly texting with him, so it's more just like casual conversations. Like I've talked to him about relationship stuff in general, but it also seems like he's not necessarily looking for something right now. So it doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon. But I mean, I'm still enjoying just like the friendship, friendly banter stuff with him. Are you interested in something serious right now? I

am but it's also like I'm not trying to just settle for anything like I want something that I want but someone else also wants that. Like I want the mutual Yeah. Just be careful with the excited but not interested in a relationship guy. No I know I think

I'm still going on other dates and doing other things like in my current city too. So it's not like I'm just putting all my eggs in my basket with that, even though I see that excitement. So I'm much more level-headed, I'd say, in that situation. Awesome. Well, Emily, we appreciate the update. Sounds like things are going great for you.

So that's awesome. And I really appreciate you sharing this whole experience. Lessons learned. Yeah. It seems like you're really in a good spot right now. Yes really appreciate you sharing this whole experience. Lessons learned. Yeah, it seems like you're really in a good spot right now. Yes. Thank you for all your advice. It really helped. So I love listening to your podcast and reading your book as well.

Oh, have you? It's been helpful. Yeah. Do you like it? Is it good? Yeah. You want to talk about it? I love your book.

I recommend it to everyone I know. Thank you. Literally. And all my friends know about my podcast. When I came on to your podcast, I literally and all my friends know about it too about my podcast when i came on to your podcast i told them all about it and so actually i was just gonna mention this too i think having people like hear my story and then going into this weekend i think maybe put a little bit of pressure onto the trip in a way but then i tried to like set it back be like no like whatever happens will happen like it doesn't really matter the podcast was another thing like

don't need to worry about that right now it was just like a fun thing and then now it was funny to share with them that i was actually going to be on again and now they can listen to this one in here that's awesome well uh i really appreciate you sharing your story um not easy to be vulnerable i really appreciate it and um thanks for for sharing thank you so much all right take care thanks you too all right bye-bye Appreciate it. And thanks for sharing. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. Thanks, you too. All right. Bye-bye.

Oh, my God. The cousin one. What? Do you remember this? Someone fucking their cousin? Were you there for that? No, it was like this girl who's dating, started to date this guy, but he had this like weirdly close relationship with his cousins. Yes.

Yes. And then his coworkers were joking. You can't date her. You're dating your cousin. I turn this into many TikToks. What happened? Where are they now? Where are they now?

Let's play a clip. So about two months ago, my close work friend set me up with a guy, let's call him Peter, who happened to be her childhood best friend's cousin, who also works with us to make things complicated. Okay. Childhood childhood best friend's cousin, who also works with us to make things complicated. Okay. Childhood's best friend's cousin. Everything seemed to be going really well,

and then he expressed some concerns to me about my coworker and his cousin that they just kind of got on his nerves sometimes. So a little backstory, in their previous relationships, they weren't allowed to talk to each other or see each other because their significant others didn't like it, I guess. And so when they're really... The cousins? Yeah, like Peter and his cousin couldn't hang out together because their significant others, in the way that they described it to me,

were jealous, I guess. Of them being cousins? And hanging out so much? I don't know. Okay. It seemed weird to me because I was like, well, it's your cousin. I don't think anything's going to happen there. He told you this, though. He was like, hey, in the past, my girlfriends would get jealous of me and my cousin hanging out.

Yeah. And her boyfriend got jealous, too, I guess. And my coworker. my co-worker and this is after you found out that the cousin for no what's no actual reason decided to try to sabotage this budding relationship you had with him if i were in your shoes i guess this is the best way to answer this question and and i was i just met someone like them and i was curious to know them better and all of a sudden they were like yeah i have this cousin and like we like we're close but like you know my last you know just so you know like my it's like a sensitive issue because my last girlfriend like didn't like meeting with my

cousin so much i've been like why and then i'd be really curious as to the why and what they said you know and it doesn't seem like you have any answers as to the why and what they said you know and it doesn't seem like you have any answers as to the why you can make some guesses you don't really know if it was more of an issue that like an insecure that the ex had or was it because they had this kind of strange intense relationship and the more you seem to get to know him and this relationship, the more you are actually wondering if they do, in fact, have a strange, intense relationship. But, like, you should be able to talk to him about this. And if not, it's, you know conversation to have a clear scope of, like, why there's so much drama

around this relationship with his cousin. All right, update. His friends have now become my core group of friends. Who's his friends? His cousin. So this is, I think this is the girl, she's saying the guy she's dating, like, his friends are now her friends.

Not the cousin. Including the cousin. Including the cousin. Who I now believe the issue was that they formed a codependency to each other while single and didn't form healthy boundaries. That has now resolved itself and we seem to be on good terms. I love his family and his brother's girlfriend has become my best friend. and his brother's girlfriend has become my best friend. But plot twist, I discovered this guy,

the guy that I went through all of this for and wanted more than anything to be my boyfriend, cheated on me. With his cousin? I think that's what she means. Did they hook up? No. Not with a cousin. Guy with cousin, but not.

Yeah, yeah. Not with cousin, but guy with cousin. What about that big one? I've known for about three weeks and not sure how to have that conversation with him. I'd like it to work out. While I don't condone cheating at all, I can understand maybe a mistake if it never happened again. We talked about it over last weekend and he kept saying his gut telling him he needs to be single, but his head and heart telling him

it would be a mistake and that he would come running back. I told him I would stand in his way and want happiness for him, even if that's not okay with me. He left, and to my knowledge, we broke things off. The next day, made attempts to talk to me all day. I did respond, but short texts just as a response to whatever he was saying. Out of the blue later that day, he asks if he can swing by around 11 when his dad would be back as he was watching his dog

for him. I agreed to him coming over for what I assumed was getting the little remaining stuff out of my apartment. 11 o'clock rolls around, in brackets, he lets himself in with the spare key to my apartment. Oh my God. What?

At this point, he's trespassing. Yes. Correct. And he's here. He walks in the door with tears running down his face. I was laying on my couch. Can I say good? Yeah.

Damn right. Wait for the rest of the sentence. He asked me to get up and come to him. I do, and he pulls me into a hug. He said he was an idiot and made a stupid mistake. He had the worst day and couldn't imagine anything else making him more happy than being with me. I guess walking away for less than 12 hours made him realize what he lost? I did agree to take him back and told him we could work on things. Since then, the last two

days, he has done a complete 180. He is super sweet and cuddly, which he hasn't really been for the last month, and is now acting like everything is completely back to normal. It's kind of giving me whiplash. Yeah, girl. He cheated on you and then was like, maybe I need to be single. And she was like, it's okay if you need to be single. And then he's like, I've had the worst 12 hours. Come to me. At this point, I want to work work on things but I don't know where to go from here I feel like we still have more to talk about and work through and it's like he wants to forget and move on and be exactly like we were before I don't like to toot my own horn but I did everything for this man probably too much and for him to hurt me that way then leave then come back and things be normal is hard for me. Well, he doesn't feel like he's apologized, doesn't feel like he's made

any effort to change things or address why that happened or how it won't happen again. But where are they together or not? He's he's acting like they're back together. Yeah. So she said since then, because this sounds like she's having some sort of recognition that maybe she shouldn't have taken him back but she left us with a cliffhanger well i think it's only been because she said since then the last two days he has done a complete 180 so i think she emailed in like i have so many more questions well if you're listening i think you should break up well not don't get back together with him especially if nothing's changed it's also heated it seems like she found out about the cheating and he didn't like yeah it seemed i didn't get that the way she phrased it

it doesn't sound like he told her correct which is also a huge issue like he did nothing and then he literally had the balls to say i just like i feel like i need to be single but my heart and my head want me i empathize with her, but it's a red flag for yourself. When you know you want to forgive someone, take note, at least. When you know you want to forgive someone who hurt you, without having any of their answers and knowing any of the whys, not that the whys ultimately really matter, but when you find yourself, before even having a conversation with them,

wanting to find reasons to excuse their behavior, you should at least take note of the vulnerability that you have going into that conflict. Because that means you're setting yourself up to not enforce your boundaries or have your expectations not being met or to have them kind of say anything. You want to forgive someone. So like, you just want them to say, I'm sorry, I was wrong. Which doesn't even sound like he has. That's the thing. When you're in that state of mind, you really set yourself up for allowing them to kind of say anything. But trust your gut is my response to her. Right.

You know, trust your gut. Like your gut is telling you something's off because something is off. The fact that he is wanting to pretend it didn't happen is an incredibly emotionally immature thing we can't just like pretend that things don't happen like sometimes we make mistakes sometimes our partners make mistakes sometimes we have to have tough and awkward conversations and we have to work through them and know that we can get through them then know that we have a foundation of trust or a foundation of emotional like and an ability to work through conflict, not just ignoring or forgetting that they happened.

And the fact that your gut telling you that's not okay is a good instinct to have. And you need to trust your instincts is my advice to this person. So yeah, it should feel off. It should feel wrong. And I don't think this guy is gonna, he's not gonna grow up anytime soon. right because it's like you know the quote where it's

like character is who you are when no one's looking yeah it's like right now like we saw what he did when no one was looking and like right now he knows you're looking of course he's going to be more affectionate and it's so confusing because when you've spent like and it sounds like for there was a lead-up period where you just felt like you weren't getting much affection or attention not even like the last month he also broke into your apartment correct yes yeah came stomping in tears streaming down his face unless we're missing details i feel like he's acting like he knows she will take him back the walking into the apartment the saying get up off the couch and come to me there's a power dynamic yeah that he i think senses yeah

she is a little bit more of the like a prop in his story where he's like oh i've come around and now i want her back so you deserve to be more than a prop you know like the you knew something was off with the whole cousin stuff you knew like start listening to yourself you know like this whole time you've been dating this guy there's always been something that doesn't feel totally right. But take the good, you know, fine. You found a friend. Is it his sister? His brother's girlfriend.

His brother's girlfriend. Great. Even better. They'll eventually break up, too. You found a good friend. You know. Take it and run. So you could take some good with this, but but you got to stop making excuses for this guy.

He should be doing a lot more than just upping his cuddling capacity as a response to him cheating and keeping it from you, if I'm being honest. Jenna's so close to just, she's so close. So credit to her for even questioning her gut or acknowledging what her gut is telling her. Sometimes that's even hard to do, But follow through. Listen to your gut. There will be someone out there. You've put in the work. I know there's a lot to love

about this relationship. I'm sure you had a lot of good moments of him making me feel good when it's good. But you've been far too confused and far too conflicted. And your gut has far too often telling you something's not right about this relationship and you need to start listening to your gut it's so hard not to sell yourself out in the moments where you can have like a temporary well and i'm sure it feels good with her saying good yeah he hasn't been this affectionate in a month like it feels like maybe or you try and convince yourself yeah that's that it'll be fine just have to remember. Oh, I always got what I wanted. Yeah.

But to your point, Allie, or I mean, I don't know who said it, but like, yeah, he's definitely, he's paying attention. He knows you're watching him. You're watching, quite literally, even in like the moment. Like when we get,

that's why everyone's in our best behavior when they get back together and things like that or why you have a much shorter but second honeymoon phase when you get back together. Because everyone's like, oh, I made some promises and now I have to make sure I keep up with those promises. But once you

get comfortable, these always resort back to who they really are. At this point, I will say to Jenna, if you're listening, you're so close. But at this point going forward, if you choose to stay in this relationship, any disappointment you experience going forward, a lot of that is on you. You are then ignoring yourself and you're a lot of that is on you. You're then ignoring yourself and you're ignoring what your gut is telling you and other people are telling you. And if you choose to continue to look the other way and not listen to your gut and continue to invest your energy into this person, a lot of the disappointment that you feel going forward is your choice. And it's going to snowball

and feel worse and worse and worse when it eventually comes and hits you. Max, welcome back. Thanks for having me, everybody. How are you all doing? Good. Good to be with you. Remind us, what was your situation when you first got in? Oh, where do I even start? Okay. So had a bit of a history of hooking up with a lot of women who were otherwise attached, whether they were married, engaged, dating someone, someone else. I myself had a terrible history of being cheated on in relationships. very consistent. I was the one that was being cheated on, spoke to you and you gave me a good, you know, talking to. What did I say? So basically you said that them cheating is a reflection on them, not me. And that just because,

you know, I was cheated on over and over again, doesn't necessarily mean that's, you know, there's just, it's just got to be more careful. And I wasn't asking questions right off the hop. I saw red flags, but I didn't really call them out right when I should have. And I talked about this person that I had gotten involved with for about three months last year who ended up having a boyfriend. And yeah, that's one of the mistakes I've made this year. So, well, you know, sometimes we have the habit of seeing red flags as challenges and not necessarily warnings. And my guess is you might have been guilty.

Where are we at now? What's your update? So in general, I have opened myself to getting hurt again. I mean, I've been opening myself to dating again. So that's been one thing. In terms of the lady in question that I was involved with, we kind of, we didn't talk for like about, I don't know, six, seven months. And at a certain point, I needed to contact her because professionally, she was the only person that I

could go to for a particular problem. And I reached out to her strictly on that basis. And I said to her, I even said in my message, like, look, I wouldn't be contacting you if you weren't my last option. And that started kind of opening the doors again to us talking pretty much every day. She wouldn't tell me whether or not she was single. She still hasn't. Then why did you carry on the conversation? It had been six, seven months. Where did we go from having some reason to reach out to this person that only she could answer,

and then you telling yourself that this is the only reason you're reaching out and for no other reason and then stating that to her only for that conversation to be the catalyst of you guys picking back up the consistency in which you had and yet still not getting clarity on like important issues like relationship status. How did that happen? Because that only can happen when people aren't being honest with themselves. I think it's really important for you to ask yourself that. And I think it's really important for you to figure that out because that answer is going to be an answer to a lot of, I guess, your dating challenges and problems. Because at the end of the day you're

someone who like a lot of people like you start reading the books you start listening to the podcast you can you could i bet you could probably give good advice to friends you know and i bet you can like you know but when it comes to you and i know it's hard for everyone but that's the key to like in the moment to say well wait you know why why know, why, why am I doing this? You know, I know what I want to do, but why am I doing this? Yeah. I mean, I think the answer was, I mean, we had been such good friends and both of us, when we were seeing each other, even though she had a boyfriend, both admitted to like falling in love with the other. So at that point I kind of was a recluse, didn't really talk to anyone. And there was such a comfort, a comfortableness there that I was just like, and she had asked questions like,

how are you doing? Like, you don't, you don't seem like all right. And whatever. And I was in a very dark place too. And, and, but it got to a point where, and you're really going to hate where the story goes. We get to the birthday. I don't hate. I'm just, you know, here. No, I hate it. And I judge myself after things happen. So, you know, our friend rented out this club and I, I don't, I have two shots because I'm like, I don't, I don't want to be, I don't want to do something stupid. So surely enough, she's, she's, she's there. And I'm like, oh no. Cause I'm like, oh, like, you know, the heart beating and all that.

And so we end up dancing a lot together throughout the night, end up making out a little bit. But after that, we had a conversation where she had said that she had been going to a lot of therapy and all this stuff. And at this point i was just like she's not saying whether or not she's still seeing the dude and even even so that was like the last time really we kind of communicated asking her specifically and she's just downright avoiding the answer no no so i went to a wedding in that's screw it staten island so the monica was asked like oh you know how how was the wedding? Like, were you, you know, did you get to know any bridesmaids? And I'm like, maybe kind of, because I kind of fumbled the bag

with one of them anyway, but I didn't, but I thought that was such a weird question. And I'm just like, I said, I got to meet a lot of cool people. And, you know, US of A is pretty cool. And I said, they're great. I said, but, you know, I met, I cool and i said they're great i said but uh you know i met i met a lot of people i'm like why like why do you ask you're at the birthday party and girl who you not the girl who you don't know if has a boyfriend who's like you're crushing over and being fuck boyed by she asked you if you met someone at a wedding. Right. Gotcha. Yeah. And so I kind of did meet someone, but I kind of... How did you answer that?

How did I answer that? Yeah. I just said, I was like, oh, I said I met a lot of people at the wedding. So why were you, did you meet someone? I did, but nothing really happened. I mean, nothing beyond just dancing with her. Why were you cagey about it with her because i thought that because a i was surprised it just came out of the blue and b

i i was just like i don't know it just came out of nowhere it was just like she was fishing for answers and and i kind of got defensive because i was just like, you know, I felt like, why did you get defensive? I don't understand. You're right. I shouldn't. I read the book after this. She was just fuck boying you like crazy. I know. Yeah.

Well, I haven't talked to her after that. So it just kind of fizzled out. Exactly. Uh, so yeah, I mean, at that point,

especially at that point, but the, the wedding, I just, I botched that one, but in a sense, um, especially at that point, but the, the wedding, I just, I botched that one, but in a sense, um, so I, uh, so I went to stand down by myself and I met one of the bridesmaids there. I was a groomsman and I just, me and this, me and this bridesmaid, let's call her, I don't know, uh, Phoebe. I don't know. I'm on a friend's binge, so forgive me, but Phoebe,

let's call her Phoebe. And so we caught on pretty well. We both were Italian. We both liked pizza and dogs over humans. I'm like, I can roll with her. So we were going full send on tequila shots and this drink that she introduced me to called Lemon Drop Martinis. And we just kept going back and knocking them back and getting a little flirtatious. And at a certain point we had gone back to the hotel

and I had misheard her. Like I thought she said, I'm going to go back to my room now. And I'm like, okay. I said that, oh, that's great. It was nice to meet you. Give her a hug. And that's it. Cause I didn't want to be like too forward. And I was like really in in my head and then when I land the next day my buddy's wife calls me and I'm and she's like you idiot and I'm like I know I am why and she goes you did you not hear Phoebe ask oh like to go to your room and And I'm like, wait, what? And she's like, at the lobby, she said, I guess we should go to your room now. And you gave her a hug and you left.

And so I was like... So it was nice to meet her? Yeah, I was like... Did you want to hook up? I mean, sure. I mean, yeah, she was great. Sure. I mean, she was...

Yeah, I would have loved to. I mean, she was, yeah, I would have loved to. I mean, she was. So then what happened? Did you follow up? Did you like. So this is where I made things worse because a couple of days later I sent a picture of the lemon drop martini and I said, you literally changed my life. Great. She gets back to me and she goes, ha ha ha ha. I've never changed anyone's life before. This is a new one. And I said, well, I said, just so you know, the pressure's on. Because when I come back to New York, I'm expecting something else to wow me.

So then I didn't remember if I told her. At any point did you apologize for for like not hearing her correctly? No. Yeah. No, I'm a bigger idiot than I thought. Yeah. No. Well, I was hoping to get to that, but then she was like, oh, like, was it like, we were

talking about the drinks or whatever. And I didn't remember if I told her at that point, I had a couple of dogs of my own. And I said, uh, I was, I was just like, oh, yeah, it was so good. I was thinking of bringing some back home to my dogs. She doesn't open it for a long time. And then she goes, wait, I'm confused. Did you mean to send this to me or someone else? And I was just like, at that point, I had to own it.

And I said, you know what? You cross text? No, no, no, no. She thought I meant bringing alcohol home to my dogs was meant for someone else. But it wasn't. It was meant for her. No, it was supposed to be a joke. She took it literally.

Oh, it was terrible. I was just like, I read it. She read it. And I'm like, that sucks. That's not good. So I was just like, I owned it. I said, you know what? It was a poor attempt at humor, but I said it was very good.

And then she left me on read. And I said to my buddy's wife, I'm like, I think I'm just going to let that cool off for now. That was it? It just ended? You told one bad joke? Yeah. No. Well, I know.

Well, okay. I mean, this was not where I thought this conversation was going to head. Should I like re-engage orengage? How long ago was this? About two months ago. Maybe just leave it alone, I guess at this point. I mean, I don't know. I don't know your genuine interest. I feel like you need to, yeah, I don't know what your problem is. Yeah. But that's not because, well, so so the thing is and kind of the main reason why i was happy that you guys emailed me for like an update is i had been opening myself up again and me and like my best female friend like we had this like pack or a deal like by the time both of us were like 30 i suggested 40 she wanted 30 okay you know if we give it a shot and date like you're

talking about a marriage pact kind of thing no like dating easy like if both of us are 30 we start going out okay either way if you make some sort of pact like that you're there's an acknowledgement to being each other's backup plans i guess yeah oh i didn't think of it that way i don't know i always thought that there was like i was was interested but you know we were like friends right so next time just say you're interested right so be like i don't forget 30 how about now i think you need to be a better communicator yeah no totally and i think it's great like and love that you listen my show I love that you're reading the books. I love that you're into all this, but like, it seems like you're a bit of an overthinker.

No judgment, a bit of an overthinker myself. No, I am. I'm guilty of that. You just, I think you got to try to be present on your dates and listen and really make sure you're just listening and then just being honest with your responses. Try not to overthink your responses.

You know, like so much of the communication is just being honest and open and being willing to like be rejected and just, you know, don't try to be funny or clever or, you know, or cryptic. Just be honest and transparent. Be polite, be interested, and be honest. And if you just focus on those three things,

especially talking to women, I feel like it would go a little bit better. Right now, you just seem like a guy who's just constantly in your head. You still have some vulnerability. You still have some toxic traits of giving in to feeling validated and things like that. You know, you're human,

but I think if you just focus on trying to communicate and just polite, interested, and honest. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Show an interest to them. Ask them questions. Be polite about it. Unless you are a really funny person. If you being funny is you teasing or things like that or nagging or things like that on a first or second date without having a rapport with someone, chances are you're not being funny. So just take that note. It's easier to be funny with people you have a rapport with. You know, you see their sense of humor, sarcasm, things like that. It's a risk when you're trying to be that person with a stranger. And that's why jokes often

don't land and things like that. So just, yeah, just try to slow things down when you're, whoever you're going on a date with. And just don't try to recreate red flags, you know? Yeah. But why don't you reach out to her and just say, hey, I know we joked about this, but to be honest, like when you're feeling up to it, I'd love to take you out to dinner. Yeah.

And the one thing I was going to say too is like, this is coming from someone who's also can be very like self-deprecating and like loves to just like not be vulnerable and be like, ah, the worst, dah, dah, dah.

But like have confidence in yourself instead of being like, oh, I'm a bigger idiot than I thought. Because also I know you guys have a, like a foundation before this, but especially if you're dating someone new, if you don dating someone new, if you don't go,

I'm not saying be egotistical over the top, but if you're going into dates one or two saying, oh, I'm an idiot, da, da, da, da, da, then they're going to then see that in you and think that in view. You could maybe say that later on when they actually can then say, no, you bring all this to the table. But if you're just going to start with that,

it's like, oh shit, why am I on a date with this person if they're just like fully admitting to me that they're an idiot yeah i think you gotta try to slow down a little bit on dates and honestly focus on breathing a little bit and so i think ali makes a great point i could see you kind of like getting anxious and nervous and then it's like you don't know what to do. Should I make fun of her or myself? I don't think you should make fun of anyone.

You know what I'm saying? Especially. Cause then it's like, do I be his hype woman at this point? Do I, how do I respond to that in a way? Just talk, ask what she likes.

Talk about what you like. You know, if, if she says she doesn't like something, ask more questions and then share something you don't like. Just match, you know, show that's she doesn't like something, ask more questions and then share something you don't like. Just match, you know, show that first couple of dates is all you're really doing. And I think you're trying to impress a little bit too much on dates. All right. No, I get that. And I do feel like I'm in my own head a lot.

I mean, you were literally not paying attention when a girl was like, let's go back to your room. So clearly you're in your head. I mean, you were literally not paying attention when a girl was like, let's go back to your room. So clearly you're in your head. Oh, no, I fully admit that. Yeah. I was convinced she said what I thought she said. But yeah, the whole bridesmaid group chat had a field day with that one, apparently.

That's okay. I mean, and then next time that happens, there would have been nothing wrong with you sending a text message. And then you could have slightly teased yourself about like hey uh i really really blew that one yeah because that's different than saying oh i'm an idiot i'm such an idiot like that's almost like a confident thing where you're like it's you're taking it at a slower place pace you've taken a breath and you're just like if you can just state what happened and like even in that moment if you had just like taken a breath and been like i'm sorry what did you just say what happened and like even in that moment, if you had just like taken a breath and been like, I'm sorry, what did you just say? Like, just like collected. Even if you're faking it till you make it.

I'm constantly faking that I'm much cooler than I am. I'm freaking out inside of me. And then I'm like, no, but I'm going to be so chill. Well, I appreciate that. Appreciate that. And I'm very similar to that. So, yeah, no, I think you similar to that. So yeah, no. I think you need to be very direct and very specific.

And even the way in which you just like, and again, it's up to you if you do want to like risk the friendship for the relationship, if you decide that's the move you want to make, even the way you just described her was just so genuine and calm. And like, I could like, like that to me is like, oh my gosh, guy really cares like maybe i should give him a chance that is so much more intriguing and endearing than like the jokey jokes let me throw this out there type of suave don't don't don't bring up this fucking marriage pact or whatever dating pack just be honest and genuine to say i i know we had a joke but i've been really thinking about our relationship and spending time with you and i think i'm nuts for not having even realized this before but like i'd like to like take you on a date and call it a date and i want to like i think there's i think there's a lot more than

just a platonic friendship here and i'm willing to risk it and just put it out there i don't know what she's gonna say but yeah you might have to give her some time too but i do think you're if you're gonna do it you should just do it let us know if you end up shooting the shot oh yeah that's gonna be fun yeah i will let you know just redo that that is not that energy that is not it that's not do that okay yeah no not no confidence in yourself in your future yeah thanks ali no ali is right it's those little things because like it's like we're very similar and i had to get myself out of the same like mental traps because i was like oh shit this is not attractive like it felt like funny and like

genuine to me when i was doing it and i was like oh god i have to stop like yeah this is like something that i would give myself the same advice on yeah no and i i hear you and i i i appreciate that so for sure, I will definitely not do that. And I'll, and I'll be like, Ali's going to be upset. I have your email. I know who you are. I will check up. Wait, what? Max's email. That's anonymous. Yeah, no, for sure. Oh, I, uh, yeah, you do. Oh dear. It'll be fun. Gotcha. I won't screw up for you and everyone else and me.

All right. Take care, buddy. Thanks guys. Have a good one. Thank you so much. On the other side of things, we have another update

from episode 495. Do you remember the girl whose boyfriend was like Snapchatting all these other girls who were so shady? Yes, the 19 year old. Yes. And all these other girls? Yes. The boy from camp. The 19-year-old. Yes.

And she was a little bit older. Instagram DMs. Sure, sure. Snapchat. So she said. Yeah, she was all, he was 19. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my boyfriend has recently been Snapchatting other girls and women.

And I am trying to learn how to build back trust in our relationship and set boundaries. Give me more information on what you mean by Snapchatting other women. Yeah. So basically, we started dating this previous summer and it was kind of a whirlwind romance. It happened very quickly and we met both working at a summer camp so we were in a camp bubble so our relationship grew very fast we immediately connected and fell very hard for each other very fast he gave me his face id for his phone uh since we were spending so much time together and always playing music together and one night he left his phone in the kitchen and i noticed when we were together he would be on snapchat and like snapchat his friends and i saw a lot of girls

on his snapchat and it kind of made me uncomfortable but I didn't say anything about it and then when he left his phone and I knew that I had it by a face ID I was like oh let me just you know look at this and see you know what kind of girls he's talking to and what what they're talking about and i just thought tons of snapchats to all these girls and like snap texts and just like flirty messages and dms on instagram and so you ended up really diving deep in this phone yeah are you planning getting married or anytime soon no okay so you're not planning on getting married anytime soon? No. Okay. So you're not planning on getting married anytime soon and you're investing a great deal of your emotional energy on an immature 19

year old. Yeah. I mean, how do you build up trust? I mean, you called in by asking me how you build up trust. I don't really have an answer for you. Trust takes a lot of time. How do you do it? You take a big risk. That's how you do it. To go against all the information that's been provided to you and ignoring that and then just hoping,

you hope. That's what you do. You hope that you can keep dating him and he magically stops being the person who he was and starts being a completely different person. You at least have some hope because he is only 19. But then there's the he's 19 aspect of it. And you're not meant to be his emotional support system or his mom or you're not supposed to tell him what to do or remind him to do things, all the things that you've learned over the past three

years. It doesn't sound like he's adulting very well right now. Be empathetic, be nice, but just be direct and honest and be definitive. Don't say things like maybe in the future or we'll see or stuff like that. It's okay if he hates you. And if, you know, and honestly, if he'll probably say, and you'll probably be validated because my guess is when he knows you're serious and when he knows that you're really breaking up with him, it wouldn't surprise me if he says some mean things. I hope I'm wrong. But if he does, that will only validate and verify that he truly is a very immature 19 year old who has a lot of growing up to do. And that's not your problem. Invest in people who, yeah, you can growing up to do, and that's not your problem. All right. Yeah, you're right.

Invest in people who, yeah, you can help, but help you that aren't fucking projects. And next time someone says they love you, don't be afraid to ask, why do you love me? What does that mean to you? Don't be afraid to articulate what it means to you to be loved and see if they still feel the same way. She said, I wanted to give you all an update on my situation and thank you for your advice. You will not believe, but the very same day after recording the episode, I received a DM on Instagram of tons of screenshots of my boyfriend, now ex, asking a girl to meet up that night. I'm so glad I listened to your advice and ended things with him. He will now not stop messaging me, showing up to my apartment and work, and will not let things go.

It's hard to move on when he won't stop bombarding me with how much he loves me and can't move on. I'm staying strong and reminding myself that I deserve better. Thank y'all again. That's not love. We salute you. That ain't love. That's stalking. Yeah, that's not love.

It's stalking yeah that's not love it's stalking that's not love it's toxic stimulation stalking stalking yeah if they break into your apartment also i love the fact that back to our other caller the fact that she wrote that thing she knows it's wrong yeah you know it says that himself she would have just said oh he showed up like showed up but the fact that she's saying he let himself into my apartment this is key like she knew it was wrong trust your gut what's our caller's name cassie fake name cassie all right so check out cassie from episode 495 cassie fake name that i love fake name real age uh we love that for her yeah i guess you know i i think sometimes we do forget

like what it's like to hear the words i love you from someone who has broken our heart and and the challenge that is you know stand your ground but you know they don't they don't really love you they just they're afraid i. Gosh. These men. There's a good tic-tac. They don't love you, but something. I'll figure out something. Good analogy. It's like when you're down in poker, and you're like,

one more round, one more round, type thing. They just don't want the game to end and the debts to finally settle. Yeah. I'll think of something. But anyways, well done. Thanks for listening, guys.

Don't forget to send in those questions at asknick at castmedia.com, cast with a K. Might as well go ahead and order Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday right now if you haven't yet. This is no better time to do it. I know the holidays are on the corner.

Get that book for... And ladies out there, I always hear, you know, tell the men to act more appropriately. And we want to act more appropriately. And we want to tell them to. But if you have a guy friend, a brother, give it to an act. If you want to be petty, send them this book, Parting Gift.

Don't text your ex happy birthday, but do gift them this book. But do give them the book. But in all seriousness, this book really is about, again, talking about communicating, setting boundaries, expectations. And it's a lot easier to do those with people who have the same expectations and understanding of expectations and boundaries and things like that. So give them the gift of boundaries and expectations. Get them. Don't text your ex happy birthday. Thanks for everyone who has supported. We will see you next Monday for Ask Nick. Jason Nash on Going Deeper, Bachelor recaps back on Wednesday. We will see you on Monday.

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