The Viall Files - E502 Ask Nick - My Mom Leaked My Pregnancy

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

Welcome back to another juicy and exciting episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back again to bring on our callers and give advice about dating and relationships. On this episode, we bring on our first caller who is having trouble when her mom wants her to post about her pregnancy, while the caller wants to keep it private for the time being. Our caller tries to get advice about the best way to communicate with her mother, and not succumb to the pressure of what her family wants. Our next caller is currently stuck in a situationship with a man 15 years older than her. Feeling like she’s more mature than this guy, she wonders how to communicate that he’s not capable of giving her what she wants in a relationship. Our last caller feels like the other woman after finding out that the guy lost his last girlfriend in a car accident. With this guy still calling his late girlfriend his girlfriend, our caller wonders how to help this man move through grief and if instead she should actually move on to let him mourn on his own terms.  “I just want to enjoy him for now.” If you are interested in running a book club in your city, send an email to: [e-mail]  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Shipstation: This holiday season, give yourself the gift of stress-free holiday shipping. Use promo code VIALL today at http://www.shipstation.com to sign up for your FREE 60-day trial. Total Wireless: Total by Verizon is available at http://www.totalbyverizon.com and at retailers nationwide. Betterhelp: Learn more and save 10% off your first month at http://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALLFILES. Grammarly: The right tone can move any project forward when you get it just right with Grammarly. Go to http://www.grammarly.com/tone to download and learn more about Grammarly Premium’s advanced tone suggestions. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You can listen to The Vile Files ad-free on Amazon Music. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of The Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I'm your host, Nick, joined by Allie and Amanda. How are you ladies doing hello everybody we're good and bopping what is this episode 502 i don't know wow something we're into a new chapter of life 502 what's new what's new i'm going on a date i have a date tonight oh yeah good times how'd that start yeah man from hinge night oh yeah good times how'd that start yeah man from hinge he had good he had good we have good banter okay and he's uh he's into comedy like our girl amanda over here and so one of the first things he said to me was not into comedy no but i don't like actively pursue it

i don't do shows oh he's like an aspiring in the biz so to speak okay this is this um like no to laugh no we all like to laugh. We all love to laugh. I'm looking for someone with a good sense of humor. Everyone. Every single person is. He likes comedy. Not so much for me. I like to cry. I'm more of a serious... So anyways, he's in the biz.

One of the first things he said to me which intrigued my interest was he was like, okay, great. So if this date goes really poorly, I'll use it for my stand-up and you'll talk about it on your podcast and i was like correct amazing great on the same page wait i wonder can i see him i wonder if i like know him from sure sure what are you doing for your date also um i think we might go either to an arcade or we might go axe throwing that's a fun first axe throwing. That's a fun first date. Good activities. That's a fun first date. Yep. He does look

familiar to me. Okay. But maybe that's because he's kind of your like quintessential put together stand up. He's not breaking the mold by any means. I was just saying he's just a basic. No, no, no, no. I just, no, I think there's. He looks like every guy. No, I just mean like he's like he's got a strong jawline and a flannel shirt.

You know, that's a lot of... He's a lumberjack. Okay. Yeah, that's exciting. So we'll see how that goes. Awesome. That's about all I know. I'm doing well.

I'm visiting my boyfriend this weekend. Yeah, she is. She's headed up north. Headed to Eureka, California. Woo! All right. Awesome. And also apparently it's the end of mushroom season there. Which kind? All right. Awesome. And also, apparently, it's the end of mushroom season there.

Which kind? All kinds. If someone wanted to bury a bunch of bottles of wine, I would forage for that. Okay. I have a question, which is, what is the most off-brand thing about you? Can you start? Well, okay, I don't have an answer, so I'm trying to wrap my brain. I'll go. I'll go.

Wait, we could give that for each other also. But I feel like this is like something people probably wouldn't know about you. That's why it's off-brand. I feel like I am something that was pointed out to me when I used to have roommates. I am a neat and organized person. I'm not necessarily like a sanitary person. So like I'm the type of person where I like use a knife for something. I'll just like wipe it off.

It's not like I'm using soap. Or like my roommate used to call me out for like using the same sponge on the counters as I would for like hand washing dishes which I just thought was like the same so you're occasionally disgusting I just I don't care like I just don't use soap probably as much as I should okay I don't know I was thinking about every time I like cut open an avocado I'm'm like, ooh, paper towel. Put it back in the drawer. But I live by myself. Back in the drawer after you cut an avocado.

Yeah, and I run short on forks a lot. You won't even run it underwater? Sometimes I'll use, no, like a wet paper towel, but there's not soap. Or if I use a fork and I run out of forks, I'll just pull an old one from the dishwasher and use it. But again, I live by myself, so does it really matter? They've all been in my mouth.

That is a bit off-brand for you. Yeah, and I love that for you. Thank you. That's a great answer. Thank you. Nick? I don't know if you have one. Well, I was trying to be like, I'm realizing I'm like,

I don't really know what my brand is in this context. I don't know. Your brand is overthinking and being kind of like suave and aloof, I would say. Okay. So is there anything that you're super like eager and earnest about? Or like, is there something like introvert? Is there anything really extroverted about you? Well, yeah.

I mean, I'm more of an ambivert. I feel like, yeah, you have to find something that's opposite of what you like present to the public. Because I feel like you guys think I'm much more put together than I am. So then this would be off-brand. I feel like maybe my off-brand thing is that I was very big athlete vibes growing up. But currently, Amanda. But that's...

Now. But I still have athlete mentality. But are you out there playing sports? Do I seem like I'd be competitive? Yes. Okay. Absolutely. No, I'll give like athlete mentality. But are you out there playing sports? Do I seem like I'd be competitive? Yes. Okay. Absolutely. No, I'll give you the sports stuff.

I think that's... Like very intense. Like what was your sport? Volleyball. You were a jock. I mean, not a jock. No, it was like I always felt so underserved. Play the game.

No, I wish I was a jock. Nobody give me any goddamn credit. So if you went to my high school and you're listening to this, why didn't anyone pay more attention to the fact I was the only freshman who's on varsity volleyball? That's huge. I have a hard time answering this because I do feel like over the years of being someone

who is trying to come up with content, people have seen me roller skate and they've seen me paint and they've seen me do these kind of surprising things that people didn't expect. So I'm struggling coming up with something new. I think I have it. Okay. The most off-brand thing about you is that you're not a super engaged driver.

I didn't want to say bad because that felt very rude. But like I think you seem like. No one's ever called me a good driver. Like you seem like. But you seem like you'd be someone who's like a very good driver in my opinion really? yeah

maybe I know you too well because Nick doesn't even use blinkers I was behind you yesterday you didn't even use a blinker and you were turning left in an intersection how did this segment

turn into me getting called out? alright I'll take it I'll take the heat I think that's a nice answer though saying like i you seem like someone who would be like a very good driver just behind the road i would have loved if we would have brought a camera with us i feel like us in the car is a very funny vibe because yesterday we drove to a coffee shop and nick's like where is this place and i'm in the

back seat i'm like take a left at this intersection. And it just was a funny vibe. I don't need a navigator when I got Allie. Muscle memory. I'm very good with, like, if I've been there once, I can probably find it. Great quality for an amazing race partner. So if anyone thought I was a good driver, watch out

if you see me on the freeway. His license plate is. Alright, before we get into our episode, Allie, what is our breakup song of the week? All right, this one is my personal favorite. It's been one that I've been listening to in my recent life. And probably other people's too,

but it's so good. So if you haven't listened to it in a while, give it a re-listen. Last Kiss by Taylor Swift. It's from her Speak Now album. And it's just very good. And I know it's younger Taylor. But why does it speak to you for a breakup song? Okay. It's from her Speak Now album. And it's just, it's very good. And I know it's younger Taylor. But why does it speak to you for a breakup song? Okay.

There's this chunk and it says, so I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep and I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe and I'll keep up

with our old friends just to ask them who you are. Hope it's nice where you are. Dark. But like, the watching your life on pictures like especially on social media like feel you forget me like i used to feel you breathe like it's so i would say that if if you're listening that song going through a breakup period and and and you relate to it block them yeah i unfollowed yeah i think it's kind of a like there's because i couldn't keep i couldn't keep watching his life in pictures that's early stage breakup song first week first two

weeks of breakup okay to listen that song and feel the feelings if you're feeling those feelings in that breakup song it's like a good barometer breakup song yeah and also note for the people when you submit breakup songs like yeah i feel, I feel like there's definitely, like, the sad breakup song genre, but then there's like the, like... Empowerment, I'm moving on. Like, there's stages of a breakup. This is very early. This is first week breaking up breakup song.

Well, this hit me to the core six weeks in. Well, which means that you had some moving on to do. Processing isn't chronological. Thank you. But after six weeks, there should be some healing. And as someone who took months to heal from a breakup,

no judgment, but I think we need to sometimes challenge ourselves to get to that next stage of healing. And sometimes we're resistant to that, obviously, because we're trying to hold on to things, as young Taylor has so accurately described in her song. We need your help for the new, the next breakup song of the week.

So send your submissions to the Vow Files DMs. Tell us why you want it to be a breakup song, maybe a quote from the song, why it resonates with you, how it made you feel, and we will share it. By the way, don't forget Jason Nash this week in Going Deeper will also be joined by a diagnosed sociopath. What a fascinating week.

And talk to that person. So that should be fun. Don't forget to join your local Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday book club. You can find all the links in the highlights on our Instagram profile. And if you haven't listened to the third installment of our update show, that dropped last Friday. So be sure to check that out. Some updates from your Ask Nick and texting office our callers.

I think that's it. Let's extend more of our letters and to our callers. I wasn't trying to be dismissive by saying he looked like other comedians I knew. Let's extend more of our letters and to our callers. I wasn't trying to be dismissive by saying he looked like other comedians I knew. All right, it's that time of year. And if you're running a business, chances are you'll be shipping a lot of orders, hopefully. And you can do so more efficiently and more affordably with ShipStation. That's right. ShipStation has been helping a lot of e-commerce businesses get the orders out to their customers fast, safe, and affordably.

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TurboTax.com slash guarantees. Experts only available with TurboTax Live. How's it going? Good. I'm Claire. I'm 20 years old. I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant. And my mom and sisters would like me to post our announcement on social media. However, my husband and I are not ready right now. so we're having some tension with our families. Okay. Interesting. 15 weeks. That's first, second trimester?

I don't know. What is that? I think I'm in my second now. It's still only to me. Okay. Well, congratulations, by the way. Thank you. Yeah.

And just a reminder to our listeners, she's anonymous. So everyone out there should be like, well, she's going on a podcast and doesn't want an announcement. That's not her real name. So it's anonymous. So everyone's out there to be like, well, she's going on a podcast and doesn't want an announcement. That's not her real name. So it's anonymous. So just if anyone wants to write in, they got a juicy story, just plug right in, you know, you're anonymous. So the obvious one is who gives a shit what they want. I'm assuming that's what your husband's saying. Yes, that's exactly what he's told me multiple times. For fun, what is their argument? Yeah. And why is it not that easy? Why do they feel justified telling you how you should announce your pregnancy? So for them, posting on social

media is normal. They post daily. It's just not me or my husband. So for them, not sharing that news to followers or their friends on social media is just not the norm. So their response have been, that's not fair that they don't get to post it because they feel like they're not able to share this in their life, basically. Have your sister and mom always been this selfish? Yes. They're very opinionated. I will say that this has happened before. It was completely different. And since obviously it was more related to I traveled to visit them during the height of COVID, my job wasn't necessarily approving of that. So I went secretly and asked them not to post anything. And they got very upset then as well. So this is not something new. Are they like influencers or wannabe influencers?

Like what is this obsession with? My mom is a photographer. So I think she does post a lot because of that and her business. But no, neither of them are influencers. They're just like me. Okay. And what conversations have you had with mom about this? I'll be honest. When

I first found out I was pregnant, although it was planned, I was shocked just because it took a lot sooner or quicker than I had originally thought, which obviously I'm very grateful for others that have infertility struggles, but it just took me a long time to share even with them. We live pretty far away from them. So for us not to share, it was easy. We decided to share probably around, I was probably nine weeks. I found out very early. I was like four weeks pregnant. So maybe a month later we shared, obviously everyone was very happy, but it still felt overwhelming for it to go from just two people to knowing to probably 50 between our families. And I don't want to say the first thing

my mom said was, Oh, when are you going to post this? But within the next day or two with, you know, the first couple of conversations that came up, her first initial comment was, you should be happy to post this. This is a happy thing. Everyone's going to be so excited for you. And I shut it down right away. I told her that I was very overwhelmed and that I wasn't ready to share. I didn't know when I would be. And then the next time I brought up, there's a little bit more misunderstanding from her part, or I guess, just not understanding. She felt annoyed, hurt. She said that she felt like she wasn't able to share with her friends and family, which I did tell her she could tell

her close friends just didn't want it to be posted. Is your sister a lot like your mom and by like your mom, very manipulative? Yeah. What I was going to say is that during that same conversation, my sister is much younger than me. She's an adult, but still quite an age difference. She still lives at home. So her comment in the background, this was a phone conversation, my sister said, that's not fair that we don't get to post on social media because we don't feel like we're able to share the news in our life. And at that point, I just kind of brushed it off because that obviously it's not her news to share. Yeah. Well, I don't know if you need to hear this. I feel like it's obvious, but your mom and sister are being ridiculous and absurd and selfish and manipulative.

Has your mom always been this manipulative? Yeah. She's definitely always had this control over me, especially when we lived closer. Now that we're not as close yeah it's still there but i think not as in the day-to-day i guess i think this is yeah it's interesting because i definitely it sounds like this is a bigger issue and this is definitely a lot of boundary setting like needs to happen and maybe some therapy on your part to like learn how to like communicate and stand up to mom because when your mom says shit like you should be happy about this like this is a happy thing like what the fuck is that that's so manipulative no no one said you weren't happy of course it's a happy thing no you're trying to convince me

by making me feel like i'm not happy because i'm not expressing my happiness in the manner of which you want to for yourself it's so true and you need to get good at saying that to mom. Like I could say that to your mom because I don't give a shit, but like I know it's hard. I know it's harder. And your mom has years and years and years of history making you feel like you're doing something wrong

even when you're not because she disagrees with you. Then you got to learn how to stand up to mom. I don't want you to stress about this while you're pregnant though. No, I agree. I think that's why now it's probably the most stressful time that I've ever had to deal with any type of situation with my mom just because it's such a larger scale

of what this is affecting in my life versus just smaller comments that she's made. Ultimately, despite their disapproval in their comments, they are respecting your request. Yeah. Yes. So I guess what I really also wanted to talk about today was they're visiting in a couple of weeks. We are going to do a gender reveal then. My sister's the only one that knows. So she's planning something here for us. We just moved to this area. So it's going to be like five of us. So very, very small. And she, I guess where this, which is why I wrote in was they, I reached out to them just to ask them the details, you know, whether it needs to be inside,

outside, they responded that it needed to be outside. Just was trying to figure out details to include my husband's family. And as well. I actually do have some text messages for this specific conversation. But basically, you know, my mom said, am I taking pictures with my camera? And I said, you know, I feel bad making you take pictures during it since I want you to take it all in, but it's totally up to you. She's like a photographer, like I said, so she usually enjoys taking pictures. So she said, I don't mind, but what are you going to do with them after? And instantly I knew what was coming. I said, just keep them for us. We could take some pictures for announcement that we could post later. And she said, boo, so many posts that reveal video online. This is hard keeping it quiet. I shut it down again. I said, nope, I'm good.

Ha ha ha. Just to try to make it light. So if you would prefer not to take them, just be in the moment with us. That's totally fine with me. And then she said, it's fine. Period. I'll decide later. And then I actually responded again. I said, I get social media is a big deal to you guys, but it's not important to my husband or I. The people that we want to be involved know and that's all that matters to us. And she said, I really just use it now for my business and trying to grow my business. So I think she's trying to say she would like to post the pictures to support her business. She's just very manipulative and selfish. It's all about her.

Yeah. And then she just kind of went on and said, you know, she's just very excited to have her first grandbaby. So she like sprinkles in a little happiness in there, but there's still those digs, I guess, as well. So I'm trying to handle this upcoming meeting, I guess, because now it's going to be in person. And I know they're going to push to try to get this posted online. How can we get you to not care about disappointed mom?

I mean, I think like you said, it's probably gonna require some therapy. Maybe, yeah. But I think that's, it sounds like mom, your whole life has been okay with telling you how disappointed she can be. And she's using her disappointment in you to get you to do what she wants you to do.

And I'm just wondering like, when mom's disappointed in you, other than making you feel bad, what's the worst thing that happens? I think because my parents did so much for us growing up, I felt even though they struggled, I never knew it. And I just hold that in the back of my mind. I feel guilty for not being grateful for all these things. I'm like, she's happy. This is not something I should be upset about, even though I know back in my mind it is something valid to be upset about.

Yeah, I mean, you can be grateful and appreciative of something without allowing them to take advantage of you or disrespecting the thing that matters to you. Like, where do you draw the line between someone who's giving you a lot and being grateful for them and letting them walk all over you.

If you're truly grateful, if your parents want you to be grateful, gratitude is expecting nothing in return. Did they have you and raise you for credit? You know what I'm saying? Like they are your parents. That was their job to like make sacrifices and give you a life that, you know,

they thought you deserve or wanted you to have. You know, every parent's dream is to give their kid's life maybe better than what they had, et cetera, et cetera. Do you really owe them? I mean, again, I'm incredibly grateful for everything my parents did. I am fully aware of how many sacrifices my parents made

on behalf of their children. And it sometimes frustrates me how ungrateful some of my other siblings seem to be at times, whether that's accurate or not, but that's the perception I sometimes have. And I can have a frustration towards that. This is all to say, none of that gives my parents permission to use what they've done to manipulate and make me feel guilty for some one-off situation that I disagree with that has to do with my life. And I want to and that, you know, they, I want to

share with them, et cetera, et cetera. But like what it, I just think you need to get past this hurdle of you crumbling when mom's disappointed at you. Like, can you get to a place of just like not giving a shit? I'd like to, because I feel like it takes up so much of my daily energy, especially when things like this happens. Have you ever said, had I had a conversation with your mom about this topic? Say every once in a while when you want something and we don't see eye to eye, you have this way of making passive aggressive comments and guilting. Did you think I wasn't happy to be pregnant just because I didn't want to allow you to post on social media? I mean, you just got to stand up to your mom and your mom's probably going to cry and your mom's, you know, they're

so fucking manipulative. And I love my mom, you know, but like they are, and she's going to cry and like, oh, well, I just, you know, especially when you, when you finally send them to your mom, she's still going to cry and she's going to make you feel real bad. I wouldn't feel anything. I mean, it sounds cold, but like, she's going to be fine. It's an adult throwing you feel real bad. I wouldn't feel anything. I mean, it sounds cold, but she's going to be fine. It's an adult throwing a temper tantrum. That's all it is. When adult kids stand up to their parents, your mom crying is her knowing that she's wrong, in my very non-expert opinion. Is that the time I should do this or should I do it now? I think right now you should prioritize your pregnancy and your mental health and your stress and do whatever you can to avoid stress. You should give yourself permission to just ignore it for the time being and just not care. Your mom's going to be fine. Her business is not banked on whether you are promoting your pregnancy. It doesn't even make sense.

I don't even, doesn't even make sense. You know, I think you should just give yourself permission to just know that no matter what you decide, mom and sister are going to be just fine. And when you're feeling up to it, to stand up to mom and have this conversation, I'd practice it a few times with your husband and I'd be nice. I mean, I'm not saying be mean to mom, just say, you know, it really hurts my feelings when you do this. I appreciate so much what you and dad did for me. I'm internally grateful. I'll always have gratitude. I love you so much, but I'm an adult now. And there are certain things we don't see eye to eye. And I'll always go out of my way to do things. But when it comes to my relationship with my husband or my profession or my own child, I want to do things how I want to do. And all I really

want you to do is respect that. And I really don't want to hear your opinion. I just want your support. And I think that's okay for me to ask. I'm just not going to listen to those other comments because they're hurtful and they make me sad. And it makes me stressed out and it makes me worried. And that affects my pregnancy. Do you want to affect my pregnancy, mom, by stressing me out for your Instagram? Is your gram more important than like, you know, I don't know a lot about pregnancy, but I know that stress isn't awesome for it. And just tell mom that like your desire for your Instagram is putting a lot of stress on me. And the solution isn't giving you what you want, mom. The solution is you accepting that this is my pregnancy and not yours. And we will do things on our time. And it's your job to

respect that and support me as my mom. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, if you need for therapy, think of BetterHelp. They've been a friend of our show since the beginning of the Vile Files. And it's because we're such believers and advocates of therapy. And the challenge of therapy is just finding the right therapist. It doesn't matter what you're stressed about, money problems, relationship problems, or maybe just general worries about the world. It's the holiday season. That can bring up a lot of stuff for people. Maybe you're feeling a little lonely and you just want someone to talk to, someone to relate to. And you can do it from the convenience of your home. You can do it from the convenience of your

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this decision too. And honestly, like if I, you know, was pregnant with, you know, not me, but like if, if we were pregnant, if we were married or granger, if my girlfriend's mom was doing this with my, as long as my girlfriend was okay with it, I would be down to have that conversation and I would do it really nicely, but it would just be like, that's, this is not okay. It's not okay for you to say this. And it might be a little easier for him because he doesn't have like all these years of your mom, you know, this, what I'm saying you should do. I understand as much harder than it sounds. It's not easy to stand up to mom and dad if you don't have a history of doing it,

especially with a mom like this. And a lot of moms are like this. So it just might be easier for him. So maybe talk with him. I actually like that. Yeah. I guess it's not me, you know, chickening out or anything, but I think it might even come across a little bit clearer from him. Yeah. And it could go something like this. Hey, I just want to reach out. Pam, whatever, mom, whatever he calls her. I don't know. Excited to have you out. Really looking forward to it. I know there's been a lot of conversations between the two of you about you posting and respectfully, I'm just, I'm reaching out to you to ask you to stop. It's putting a lot of stress on us. I don't think you want her to have a lot of stress. I, reaching out to you to ask you to stop. It's putting a lot of stress on us. I don't think you want her to have a lot of stress. We want to support your business when we can,

but you need to respect this about us. And if you can't, then we really want you to come. We don't want this showing up to be about Instagram. We don't want any conversation about Instagram. We just want you to show up and be happy to support us and go about this the way we want to. I'm calling because she's worried about what you think. She cares about what you think. And it's stressing her out. And I don't think you want to do that. So I think maybe just reach out to her and say, I'm really excited to come and share this experience with you.

I'm sorry for bringing this up. I won't no longer do this. And can you do that for your daughter? Hopefully, he does it in a respectful way and she should respect that. Yeah. I actually really like that idea. I just, she doesn't have the control over him. And I think she would almost listen to him more than she listens to me. Maybe eventually you're going to have to do it yourself because eventually, and then again, I don't think you should like hide behind your husband. I just think he reaches out first and then you could say, maybe you send a text saying,

I know, you know, whatever your husband's name is reached out to you. I love you, but like this has been affecting me and just keep it real brief and don't even like whatever she responds other than I am sorry and I'm excited. If she responds like some long ass fucking paragraph, I wouldn't even read it. Yeah, that's definitely what I'll get back. But, um, No, I think you're, I think your husband should make it very clear what he expects her response to be, which is if you're going to send her anything, you should only send her. I'm excited to see you. I am sorry for adding stress. If you're going to say anything other than that,

don't say it. And then what about my sister? You think just deal with my mom for now? Sure. I mean, I don't know what your relationship is, what your husband's relationship with your sister, but like, it sounds like she follows suit. I think so. I think that's it. Yeah. But your husband can have the same conversation with her. And again, this is, you know, shouldn't be like you call her up and like yell at her or be mean about it, but just say, Hey, listen, like this has been really challenging for us. And like, I don't know why you guys insist on this and maybe you don't realize it, but it's causing a lot of stress. And do you really want her to be experiencing stress over this? You guys are prioritizing Instagram. Like that's ridiculous. So like, I need you to put your own selfish needs aside and support this really beautiful thing that we

are really excited about, but we just don't give a shit about Instagram. And that's great that you do, but that's not our problem. And he might be a little bit more chill than that. But I do think he should have a tone of, I'm being serious. This is not an easy conversation to have, but it's an important one. I like that. I really do. Because I'd really like this not to come up during their trip and just for us to enjoy everything. So if we could get something out there before then I think it would help. But yeah, he, maybe he can be the bad cop for now. Okay. I actually really like that idea. I feel good about that. I feel like I already feel a little bit less stressed. Mom loves you. She's not going anywhere. She's just really good at making you feel bad

because when she's doesn't get her way and she's used to like having control over you because there's a period in her life where she wasn't in charge of your life and it's just hard to let that go. You have to kind of stand up to her at some point. I would consider therapy to help you with that problem. I think that's honestly a really good idea as well. I think I would need it.

So a little bit more guidance, constant guidance with that because it's going to probably take, I know I'm going to get some backlash in the future and just like how to navigate all of that would be helpful. I think this is a pretty common issue with moms and daughters. My mom had this with her mom, you know, it's a, it's a thing. Your mom loves you. And I think that's what you got to really remind yourself every time you worried about disappointing mom as an adult that like,

she's not going anywhere and she still loves you and she's just being selfish right now. So that's, and that's not something you should concern yourself with. Like you shouldn't be made to feel bad. You should just know that she's being selfish, like a child. Cause your mom is acting like a child right now. So, but she's not going anywhere. You know, like the, you, you, you, and I keep saying this because there must be some sort of internalized fear that you have of like, mom not loving you anymore if you don't like give her what she wants or disappointing her, you know, or things like that. Yeah. No, I agree. She'll be fine.

Like her not talking to me or something. Something is holding me back from why I've never said anything, even though I don't, I've never actually really said anything. Yeah. So, and even if she does like give you the cold shoulder for a few days, she's not going anywhere. Clearly you're a big part of your mom's life. She needs you as much as you need to hear her. And in fact, she needs you more than you need her now. Right? Like, and that should help you be a little more brave.

Oh, all right. I feel good. All right. I do. Okay. Well, keep us posted. Dying to know how this goes. I will.

They visit in a few weeks as well. So I'll let you know after the trip. All right. Awesome. Let us know. I'm excited to find out. Awesome. All right. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. So I'll let you know after the trip. All right. Awesome. Let us know. I'm excited to find out. Awesome. All right.

Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Yeah. I appreciate you calling. Take care. All right. Bye-bye. How's it going?

It's going good. My name is Emily and I'm 24 years old. Nice to meet you, Emily. How can I help? So currently I'm in a 15-year age gap situationship and definitely need some help kind of navigating that. Okay. Let's talk about the biggest problem here. It's like the situationship. How long has this been going on for and why is it And it's a situationship because there's never been that verbal, hey, we're together and we're boyfriend, girlfriend.

There's been the exclusive talk. But for me, that's definitely not enough. What have you done to try to make this situationship into a relationship? Well, I was the one to actually bring up the exclusivity. I said, hey, listen, I'm not interested in seeing other people. And how do you feel about that? And he just said, yeah, I feel the exact same way. So I was like, sweet. We're on the same page. Awesome. And why it hasn't taken a further step is mainly due to his work and his crazy busy schedule being an entrepreneur.

And that's his words or your words? Because you would be the one to have the problem with his busyness, not necessarily him. Yeah. So that's definitely his words. I've never dated an entrepreneur before, but I understand you kind of have a crazy work schedule and being pulled in different directions at weird hours of the day. But yeah, this is a very temporary big project he's doing. So he said, basically, after all this is settled, maybe we could take the next step. And I don't love the sounds of that. Yeah. Are you actually exclusive? So there's actually been some major updates since i wrote out to you obviously do you want me to like tell you kind of how we met and everything sure if you think

it's relative to the story yeah i guess kind of so we had like um a local bar i always go to here and so obviously he's 39 which i was like like, why is he going to the bar every weekend still? He was going every weekend? Or how did you know he was going every weekend? So we actually wouldn't like text each other. It would just happen every weekend. We would see each other and then obviously end up leaving together. And I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time. So it was like the perfect situation for me. How'd you, you met at a bar? At a bar.

Yeah. And then for the next few weeks, you guys would just like link up on the weekends. Yes. Yeah. And then he took it to the next level and actually started to take me on like some really nice dates. And we had a ton of fun together. He would, he always would be the one to plan them. I just, he'd be like, pick you up at seven at this day. And I was like, okay, sounds good. And so he actually took me to like Vegas and some other little trips here and there. All while being a busy entrepreneur.

How about that? Yes. Yeah. Very good point. But then it's like, hey, by October, things are going to get a little crazy because he has to be three hours out of the city and live there half the time. And I was like, okay, well, that's fine. We live pretty independently already. So it didn't bother me. However, the communication has absolutely plummeted. And some days I won't hear from him.

If I do, it's very short and to the point. So I've asked for more. I said, Hey, listen, like for me, I need someone to like check in on me and give me a quick call when they can. Like that's what I need in a relationship. And he's like, yeah, yeah. Okay. Sounds good. So he actually did try harder. And however, he started canceling our dates all the time. One in particular, it was, we were supposed to go for dinner. He let me go all day without hearing from him. Get ready. Six o'clock rolls around. I call him like, so what time are you picking me up? And he's like, I'm still three hours outside of the city and I'm not going to make it tonight. And so that's

when I was like, whoa, okay. Like, I don't think you have any respect for me, clearly. So we got in a bit of an argument and I just said, I need to cool off. Let's talk like tomorrow. Give me a call when you have time. And essentially he has acted like nothing has happened. And he's just like, yeah, so how was your day? And I was like, are we not going to acknowledge you basically disrespecting my time? Did you say that? Yes. I said that, you know, I said you were supposed to call me and you haven't.

And instead he just kind of keeps ignoring it and saying like, oh, my dad passed away a year ago. And I'm like, okay, I'm sorry to hear that, but that's kind of irrelevant. Yeah. Did you say that? Again, I'm curious what you're saying to me versus what you're saying to him. Not that, yeah. I mean, I'm glad you didn't say his dad dying was irrelevant, but like that is neither here nor there when it comes to like giving you common courtesy. Yeah. I just kept it short. I was like, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you're okay.

And then just left it at that. You know what I would have said to him? I don't think your dad would appreciate you using his death as an excuse as why you couldn't give me common courtesy. Yeah, I wish I did say that. So for me, I've been kind of like, well, why am I being exclusive with this person who clearly won't give me the time of day? So I kind of just mentally checked out and I actually got on a dating app, which maybe wasn't this.

Why not? You're not you're single. I feel like I'm single. So I was like, OK, you know, I feel like you're single. Like, are you guys single or not? I don't I don't know. I would say for a good like four months, I didn't feel like I was single and I wasn't acting like I was single. But you weren't in a relationship. I know. So that's why it's a situation ship. No, I know. I just think, you know, that's a really important distinction. Yeah. Is that we do these things where it's a huge mistake in the situation ship is to like, oh, I feel like you do that kind of half check in. You kind of

get an answer that kind of satisfies like when he was like, but you're like, hey, I don't want to do other people. I was like, great, me neither. And then the conversation ends. What does that mean? Like, what are our expectations? So all right, you stated what your desires, but you didn't really talk about your expectations after that. No. And I read and actually the date that he canceled on was supposed to be that conversation so clearly i think he got kind of scared and pulled away and oh he knew that you guys this was talked about that you guys were going to talk about feelings in the relationship yeah so it was like a definitely more important date than the usual and uh that's the one he

missed and he knew that he canceled on a few but that was the last one where I was like, I'm putting my foot down. This is ridiculous and crazy enough. So I get on this dating app. He is the fourth person I see on it. And on top of that, his age is he's one year older on it. So he's actually 40. Well, couldn't he have had a birthday?

No, his birthday's in February. So that definitely wouldn't have lined up. But wait, he weirdly lied about his age for a year? That's what I don't understand because I actually called him out on it one time because we have each other on Facebook and I saw some birthday posts and they were all like, happy 40th. And I was like, are you 40? And he's like, no, I'm 39. And I was like, okay, well, that's weird. And so then seeing on the dating app that he's 40, I'm like, what is going on here? Well, that's all kind of bizarre. Because if he's going to lie to you, why wouldn't he lie on a dating app?

Well, exactly. Maybe he can't. I'm so confused. Because we don't necessarily not run into the same circles. So I would have found out at some point, obviously. And I actually feel like I was hanging out with someone who I don't even recognize now. And I just really don't understand why he even kind of bothered. I feel like it was more effort to kind of

drag me along than to not well that's where you're getting in the your why questions now aren't aren't as helpful to you as you want to think they are yeah you know why like why did he do this stuff i can guess you know i don't really know but like selfish immature you know words like that would probably pop up you know inconsiderate and things like that i mean he he was a guy you know i'm not saying it's a bad thing for a single late 30s early 40s guys to like go out if you're single and especially out i don't know where you guys live but like you know if you're in a city it's not that uncommon you know a fairly busy place that being said he still was which means he's very much he might not have graduated from that 20 something fuck

boy era that he no sounds like he was certainly in which at first i was like okay well if he was acting like he was 40 we probably wouldn't have got along because obviously i'm not in a position where i'm like hey i want to get married in the next like three, four years. So you don't. Okay. Yeah. No, I'm not like, I just, he was someone who was fine and we got along and we had the exact same interests and we both were like, yeah, we're not in no rush to the marriage and kids thing. So I was like, this is perfect. But... Have you confronted him about the dating app stuff? I haven't. So I'm on the fence with kind of like completely disappearing. And...

When was the last time you guys spoke? It was two days ago. But I was like, you know, out with friends this weekend and stuff. And I really didn't want to be dealing with this. But that's when he was saying like, oh, my dad died a year ago. And he's like, yeah, I'm just with some friends right now, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, I don't know what to say to you anymore. Like I've asked for a conversation and you won't give it to me. So I don't know how to move forward with this. And then the day nap was just like, whoa. Yeah. I mean, if you asked

me if as a friend, I would say you should move on. Yes. So I wouldn't reach out to him at all. That's what I would do. I would, if he wouldn't reach out. No, you're not in a relationship. This is not you ghosting. Like you've tried to, you'll hear from him. Yeah. That's kind of what I'm worried about. Cause you know, we do obviously go the same places and you think he's just going to not reach out to you i think he will because you know obviously this typically happens where you know you disappear and then they get bored and they want to reach out again yeah but so when he does that i think you just you can ignore it or you could just say hey listen in the in the most mature calm way to say you know i just this

seems a little silly here and i've said this in other calls but this would be appropriate for you you don't seem ready for what i'm looking for and just say the thing that he has said almost to you but when you say it to him it'll'll be attack on his maturity and character. It'll be when the 24-year-old who's 15 or 16 years younger than him talks to him like, you are ready for something he is not. It'll sting a little bit for him and that'll make you feel good. Yes, which would feel pretty nice. So you just say, you're not ready for what I'm looking for, or maybe you're not capable of what I'm looking for. But I don't appreciate...

I like that one, yeah. But I don't appreciate you canceling me and not following up. I don't even know how old you are. You're clearly on the apps. This has generally been, unfortunately for me, a bit of a time waster. And I'm not mad at you. I'm just moving on okay yeah i know i think that's perfect because yeah if he reaches out i'll say that but if not then

eventually he will yeah and if he freaks out comes correct and and says all these things that you wanted him to say i would really ask yourself what's going to be different? And do you have the ability to be honest with him enough to hold him accountable? Can you communicate your boundaries and your expectations with him about what you want and what you think you deserve in a relationship? And despite his schedule and despite his work or other things he has going on in his life, is he in a position to do the things that you want and deserve he is capable of it if he really wanted to yeah well clearly has time to be on a dating app so yeah well he has a time to fuck around he's capable of fucking around yeah because i think

when i started to be actor a little more serious with him that's when i was like oh funny he's now pulling away yeah and if he if he does like try to convince you to give him another shot just be like why like i don't believe you're capable of what the things i need how why should i believe you because you know what i've heard i've heard your dad died i've heard work's busy and like i don't want to minimize the death of your father and i don't know i can only imagine but like you use the death of your father. And I don't know, I can only imagine, but like you use the death of your father as an excuse of why you couldn't give me like a heads up. And that seems like bullshit to me. It honestly like seemed kind of gross. Yeah. I didn't like that one at all. That's what I would do. Yeah. No, that's definitely good advice. Yeah. First one I wrote in,

it was like, oh, like what should I do? Should I just be patient? And then obviously all this stuff happened. So I was like, okay, well, this is just nuts at this point. Well, next time someone says something like that to you, like, oh, in the next few months you're going to be busy, you can just say, okay, well, thanks for letting me know. I still like you. And while I understand you're going to be busy and I have stuff going on too, I still want to focus on like building this connection and making this work. And if that means like making some sacrifices and things like that, I'm down to do that.

And in that moment, you could have put yourself out there to see what he would have said. And if he would have said, well, I don't know, like I just can't make promises and I don't know, I'm just gonna be promises and and and i don't know i'm just gonna be really busy then you're getting your answer you could have got an answer sooner right because instead of instead of like being like oh okay i guess i'll just be patient and wait around like i don't why do you have to wait around again you can two things can be true at the same time like someone can be busy things Things come up, things change. That's fine. Communicate that. And then as a newly formed couple or whatever this was, you guys were

talking about expectations and things like that. Then you talk about what are, how these expectations change and what do we have to do to continue to get to know each other and grow this thing? Because what I, what I'm not willing to do, like you're capable of getting to know me more. You are. You just have to put in the effort. And whether that's FaceTimes or I fly out or travel and things might come up. I know you might have to cancel, but just give me a heads up. But like the effort is there and the effort wasn't there. So in the future, you could say, well, that's great. You're busy, but I still want X, Y, and Z. And those are reasonable expectations. You can still, when someone says, oh, I have something coming up, I'm busy. That doesn't mean you are, people treat it as if like, well, I guess I have to sit on the

sideline and have no expectations and just literally wait. That's not reasonable or accurate or fair. And if someone is so busy that they're like, that you have to literally just take a time out from all your expectations and sit on the sideline then that's not a relationship that you're actually looking for because then you are just going to be literally sitting on the sideline then you will be just become someone's like hookup buddy or fuck buddy and you will only be hanging out with them at their convenience so yeah and it very much became that. And obviously, I should have probably seen that red flag a lot sooner of him being like, oh, well, I'm so busy and you're going to have to wait until the new year. And I'm like, that's crazy.

Yeah. You say it's like, no, I don't have to wait till the new year. I'm definitely down for working around your busy schedule because I like you and I want to see where this goes, but I'm not, I'm not waiting around and I'm not operating around your schedule a hundred percent of the time. And if you're incapable of trying to like, you know, carve out time for me, then maybe this isn't a fit. Yeah, no, definitely something to keep in mind moving forward. Cause yeah, I felt like he always just belittled my time. Cause it's like, I'm literally working two jobs. It's not like I'm not busy. So I just, yeah, really didn't

appreciate that. How much do you feel like the fact that he was 15 or 16 years older than you played a role in your feeling confident enough to express yourself? Or do you think that made much of a difference at all? At first, it for sure played a factor because I've never obviously dated someone with this type of age gap. So it did always feel like, okay, I feel like I have to be extra mature and all this stuff.

But I would say, especially after we were doing some trips together, I became more comfortable. And I was like, you know what? I actually listened to your podcast with Alex Cooper, with Natalie. And I was, I found it so helpful because I was like, okay, well, Natalie is literally the same age as me, I think. And she would just like shoot her shots. I was like, okay, I feel like I have to do that.

But I think I half-assed it which I should adjust it's okay yeah and then the most important thing is is if you're going to date someone with a age gap it only works if the age gap doesn't play that much of a role especially early on and you're feeling comfortable to communicate everything you need and want a relationship you know when you say well I wanted to act more mature like you know you know, once you start doing that, then you cease to be acting like yourself and you need to like this older person to either accept who you are.

Like you just need to figure out whether your maturity level is a fit, not try to be more mature. Yeah, no, exactly. You just gotta, you know, you don't want to feel the pressure to be someone you're not just to try and impress anyone,

whether it's age or anything else, right? Because ultimately that just doesn't work out. But like in the future, if you meet someone who's older than you, like you should be mindful of your ability to like comfortably be yourself. And if you can't, that's a red flag for either the relationship or the person you're dating or yourself. Yeah, I agree. There's always like this weird kind of gut feeling that I was being a different person. So I think that's something to be living. You learn,

you know, you do. I really do. Well, good luck. Let us know what happens. We're curious. Keep us posted.

But for the time being, I would do nothing right now and get back in there on the dating apps. Mourn, you know, like mourn the, it's all right. You can feel sad about it. That's, it's all right. Yeah can feel sad about it. That's,

it's all right. You don't have to pretend not to care. And then if he reaches back out, I would just be very calm and okay. And, and very, and communicate very directly about you've just moved on because this is, this is not the type of behavior that you want in your life. And you don't think he's capable of giving it to you and that's okay. Okay. Well, thanks so much for your advice. Oh, my pleasure. And if he brings, if he throws up, he's busy in your face, be like, that's not an excuse. Like you can be busy and consider it at the same time. Okay. Sounds good. Well, thanks so much. I love your podcast. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Take care. How's it going? I'm good. Thank you, Nick. Nice to talk with you. Nice to talk with you. What's your name? I'm Nicole. I'm 27.

How can we help? I recently started seeing this guy and his last relationship, his girlfriend unexpectedly passed away. And I can't help but wonder, am I the other woman as I navigate this new relationship with him? So I would love some help. What do you mean when you say, am I the other woman? What's causing you to wonder why you're the other woman despite the other woman being deceased? He has her photo as his phone background and he'll still refer to her as his girlfriend when he's telling me stories about them.

But I do appreciate that he does talk about it. How long ago did this happen? This was in May of this year. May of this year. So it's new. It's new. And he recently moved to where I am. Not to get a fresh start, but I'm assuming.

How did she pass away? It was a car accident. Is he ready to date? I mean, that's the obvious first question. Should he be dating? I'm also navigating the dating scene again after taking some time away. So I'm not confused. I know that he likes me. He shows that he's interested. It's kind of the best start of a relationship that I've ever had, but that is what, so relatively new is we've really been seeing each other for like a month. So there's not a ton of time to build off of where he's at, but I really like him. So before I continue moving forward with this relationship, I think I do want to know where he's at, but I feel like there's other

conversations that maybe need to come up first. It's like, should we be established a little bit more before we like dive into that? Well, that's not really my, I mean, again, not a therapist or an expert here, but it sure seems like he hasn't really fully, you know, process the loss of his girlfriend. And I don't know what it would be like to have my girlfriend tragically pass away in a car accident. But I imagine that would be really tough. Yeah. You know, do you even have an idea like how healthy or unhealthy that relationship was when it was going on? I do not.

I know that they were together for three years. And I know that they moved to a couple different locations together. So I do know it was serious. Yeah. But like it could be serious and it could have been really happy and healthy. It could have been serious and it could have, they could have been struggling and maybe he has guilt around that, you know, maybe he wasn't even the best boyfriend. I don't know. There's a million questions that are possible. Yeah. Right. So how do I find that out?

Well, if you are serious about this guy, you need to be willing to have conversations with about this guy, about this stuff. And even if it's you just saying, if I were in your position, at a minimum, I would say, I just want you to know, I've really enjoyed getting to know you and I really like you and I think you're great. But like elephant in the room,

like, you know, I know you experienced some tragedy you passed recently and it's only been six months. And I just want you to know that like, if you ever need to talk to someone about it, or I you to to continue to talk to some and not just me like does he get therapy not that i know of i don't think so i mean that's a red flag to me and i am i understand why it might be a challenge or he might be afraid and i don't know what his financial situation is but like it's a red flag i'm not saying he's a red flag i think it's a red flag

for you to be jumping into a relationship with someone and say things like oh this is one of the healthiest relationships i started you know yeah and i'm not something i don't believe you i'm sure there's probably been a lot of nice moments where you thought wow this is great but i i just it's i would be really reluctant to trust whatever it is you're feeling because I don't know if this guy's really fully processed this challenge and tragedy. And he's clearly kind of projecting, right? He's dating someone else

and he's openly has his dead girlfriend on his phone and he still refers to it as his girlfriend. And I don't know the rules about that. I don't know. Like, yeah, do you say my ex-girlfriend? Well, fuck man, like we didn't break up. She died. I can imagine the struggle. I don't have the answers for that. And I bet a therapist could

probably help them process that. And it's not your job. You're not as therapist. And while I want you to, I want you to be able to express to him that, Hey, I'm here for you and we can talk through things. And I want you to know this is a safe place. That doesn't mean you're a therapist either. Yeah. And I have kind of tiptoed in that direction where like he was open with me one day and just said like he was feeling a little low yeah you know we were doing the like how are you today and and so i that's exactly what i said like if you do ever need to speak like i'm happy to hold the space and it was just kind of like i appreciate that but we didn't go there how much

of a sense of humor does he have it's a good sense of humor all right it's not not like a dark one like i don't think sure but i guess what i'm saying is it's like it i i'm assuming this person your guy knows that at face value it's not normal to be but i don't know what normal is in this situation but from your point of view it would be awkward for you to be, but I don't know what normal is in this situation, but from your point of view, it would be awkward for you to be dating someone who has another woman on a screensaver. It would be awkward for you to like be dating someone who keeps talking about his girlfriend.

Yeah. Right. So I think photos. Yeah. And I think anyone can, I hope that he can at least recognize that is my hope. And if he can't, then that's another huge red flag. Right? But knowing that, let's assume that he can. Do you think you could say to him, hey, again, this is not coming from a place of judgment, and I really want to be understanding here because I know you went through a lot but if i could just be selfish for just a moment i'm i am trying to work through the fact that you have her as your screensaver and that you still refer to her as your girlfriend and these are all up and i don't have the answer of what's normal and what's right

or what's okay because again i don't know what it's like to be in your shoes but i don't think this is kind of sustainable for either of us and so don't you think that maybe we should try to figure that part out, you know, or like you should figure that out. You know, I just like some conversations to get him to see that this isn't sustainable and that like, while you might not have the answers, you encourage him to seek those answers out through a like ideally therapy. Totally. And yeah, I'm a big supporter of that. I guess I want to be like a little vulnerable or, you know, just kind of speak my mind is I feel like maybe I'm pushing off the conversation to just enjoy the time that we are having together. Cause I feel like once I go in

that direction, there's, I, and I know what you're going to say, like, you know, might as well not waste my time and figure it out earlier. But at the same time, like, it's good. Yeah. I mean, that's for you to decide. But you do know that you're potentially setting yourself up for disappointment and wasting your time. As long as you know that. I mean, you're making a conscious choice to say, hey, I had my own dating struggles.

I took some time off from dating. I chose to get back out there. I met my own dating struggles. I took some time off from dating. I chose to get back out there. I met a really great guy. Turns out he's just dealing with some death and that sucks, but I am really enjoying it. I just want to enjoy him for now. I get it. I do. But just you have to be honest with yourself about the risks you're taking. That's what you have to do at a minimum. So even when you are disappointed and you're like, oh, I shouldn't have done that. At least that voice inside that says we kind of knew, we kind of knew. And so that will help you get over it if you are forced to get over something when you maybe realize that he has so much work to do and hasn't began to process this.

And he is incapable of being the partner that you need until he does you know we don't really have the answers there yet i know and and i guess i'm also anticipating like maybe the the worst case scenario of like i open up this conversation and then he comes back and i realize how not ready he is to be in a relationship but But if he does then start to show other things, I also, I guess this is coming back on me too, like I have to choose if I want to be there for him through a possible grieving period that he hasn't even begun yet.

Yeah, I'm just a big believer in progress of any kind regardless of the speed of the progress. You know, there's nothing wrong with, and again, again i don't maybe an expert might disagree with me but i think it's you're capable of making this work it's just a matter of like how patient are you willing to be and how good are you at finding that balance of communicating your needs and expectations while trying to be empathetic with what he's experiencing because i think a lot of people in your shoes would set aside their own personal needs in a relationship try to like focus on what he's experiencing. Because I think a lot of people in your shoes would set aside their own personal needs in a relationship, try to like focus on what he needs and that's all

well and good, but like that's not a recipe for happiness in a relationship long time. You're just, even if it feels justified in the moment, you are setting a kind of a dangerous precedent of how you guys focus on each other. So I think if you are going to make this work, you still need to be able to find your voice and ability to express your needs and boundaries and desires even now. And again, when I say progress, it's like you guys can take things really slow and you can still be his girlfriend or you guys can still hang out and invest in each other and get to know each other all while he works with works on this and processes

this but it's going to you know it's going to require some patience on both of your parts and especially you because there are no doubt will be moments where you'll want to escalate things because you think things are going well but you want to make sure he's capable of doing that yeah because you don't want to wake up one day and like fall be like i love him and then him realize he just enjoyed having you around because you know you helped him forget i know that's what i would need to come to terms with of like yeah going back to like I am just the other woman then just kind of helping him through this period which is tough and yeah I think hopefully people can relate where it's kind of like I feel strong enough to maybe be that person but then yeah I'm completely neglecting my own needs in a relationship and I have done so much work taking time away and coming back into it with like a fresh mindset around dating that I would hate to. Yeah.

I think step one is at least having a conversation with him around like, where are you guys between you two in terms of are you guys in a relationship? No. You're not. We have and we haven't had that conversation. I'm like, like I said I said, I'm not confused. I don't think he is seeing other people just based off of how much we communicate and see each other in person. But yeah, we haven't had any conversation on what we're both looking for. So that's what I'm like, do I have that conversation first and then move into this one?

Maybe just check in in general just hey you know we've been dating just like hey I just want to say like I've really enjoyed getting to know you and I just wanted to check in how are you doing like how do you feel start there yeah see what he says if you feel like he gives you a window you know if he's like I really like it I really I want to take it slow and then you can say, yeah, I assume so. And to say, elephant in the room, how do you feel like the death of your girlfriend impacts your ability to date, and how do you think it impacts this relationship or your relationships overall for you? Just ask an open-ended question and see what he says. you. Just ask an open-ended question and see what he says. And if you think there's, he gives you kind of a window to bring up the fact where it's just like, yeah, I mean, I noticed that you still

refer to her as your girlfriend. And I, like, I've never been in this situation either. I really want to be empathetic and understanding too, but I'm just trying to figure out how do we, if we both like each other, how do we focus on growing this while you still processing the loss of her? And how can I support you while still prioritizing us? I love that. That's great. And those are questions you guys need to be able to have together and just kind of keep it like nonjudgmental, just more like, hey, where do we go? And like, how can we do this? Let's just keep it real. You know, but I like you. I want to be a friend right now i but i don't want to be your therapist you know and i hope i hope maybe to be your girlfriend someday but i also still don't want to be your therapist and

see if his answers make sense when we ask questions of people on dates like we have to really listen to their answers too and then as be willing to ask follow-up questions so i like that a lot and it feels i i like the approach because that's i've been tiptoeing like or just i don't know like how to come out of the gate and say like all right let's talk about your phone background like yeah no let's talk about you you two first hi yeah just want to check in really like how things are going and i'm really enjoying it. It's been really fun getting to know you. How do you feel? Oh,

do you, you know, see what he says? Yeah. You know, if he gives you the, you know, I like you too,

but like, you know, I don't know if he starts sounding like a fuck boy, then, then that's, those are some red flags. And if he's like, well,

I think I'm fine. I'm fine. You know? And then you can say like, listen, I'm not a therapist, but like, if, you know, if he's like, I'm fine, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. You can almost make a joke and you could say, well, listen, if you're actually good six months after dealing with this and you, you should be teaching some sort of seminar, you know, in terms of like how to get over, like, but you're not, and that's okay. It's okay not to be good. Like, and also like, I'm not, I would, I would, I would do the same thing you're doing, but you know, we're on a date and I see her on your phone and I'm not saying that's bad. I'm, I'm not even upset about it, but it's not typical. And I think we need to process that.

Try to ask questions without being accusatory and try to always lead with empathy and see where it goes. But you'll get your answers by asking more questions and seeing how he responds. You'll get a sense of, is he really capable of simultaneously getting to know you while processing the death of his girlfriend? Or he really hasn't begun to process this at all and you are just a distraction. Yeah,

that's great. And I do, I feel confident that I'll be able to, to get the answers out of his responses. Yeah. I think. Yeah. If you're really paying attention and you're willing to see the truth,

I think it'll be pretty easy to be honest. All right. That's great. Yeah. I feel really good with that. Keep us posted. I will. All right.

Thank you so much. All right. Take's great. Yeah, I feel really good with that. Keep us posted. I will. All right. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatcastme.com, cast with a K. Don't forget to check out the update show that dropped last Friday.

We'll see you Wednesday for Bachelor in Paradise recap. Jason Nash on Thursday. Have a great day.