The Viall Files - E507 Ask Nick - Bad Sex, Good Connection

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

Welcome back to another juicy and exciting episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back again to bring on our callers and help them navigate the crazy world of relationships. We bring on our first caller who is considering breaking up with her boyfriend but struggles as she considers the hurdles of moving out, having been financially dependent on him. Now she wonders the best way to find her own independence. Our next caller is seeing a guy that’s having trouble performing in bed. With this guy being hardset about how the relationship should work, our caller wonders how to navigate expectations and if she should overlook sex for the time being if the connection is strong. Our last caller is dealing with the end of a situationship and wonders the best approach to move on from a short but emotional situation.  “Anxiety is a d*ck killer!” If you are interested in running a book club in your city, send an email to: [e-mail]  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Total Wireless: Total by Verizon is available at http://www.TotalByVerizon.com and at retailers nationwide. Uncommon Goods: To get 15% off your next gift, go to http://www.UncommonGoods.com/VIALL. Don’t miss out on this limited time offer! Uncommon Goods. We’re all out of the ordinary.  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You can listen to The Vile Files ad-free on Amazon Music. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of The Vile Files Ask Nick Edition. I'm your host, Nick, joined by Allie and Amanda. What's going on, ladies? I have a question because obviously I come from a very traditional family who's like, you get married for life, very Catholic. But we talk a lot about on the show, you know, waking up every day, choosing each other, knowing that whether, you know, it's a dating relationship or I guess even a marriage,

that person could decide you're no longer their person. So valuing them, valuing every day, which got me thinking, could you potentially get married knowing that or flagging that? Like there is a very likely chance that we get divorced or are you just supposed to be so fully convinced that you're going to spend the rest of your life? Like, is that a warning sign? Is that just being practical? Because I feel like I'm the type of person who's like, yeah, I could maybe get married multiple at times because I haven't met that person. If you talk to my sister who just got married, she would say, absolutely not. I'm spending the rest of my life with this person. So would that be a sign not to get married to that person? Or is that just pointing to who you are? It's a complicated question.

Yeah. It's a thinker. What I would say is that the more you can install kind of these best practices that we talk about or being open to the possibility that your current partner might not have all the characteristics that you want in a life partner, and the more you can be honest to yourself while you're dating, the more likely you are to avoid the possibility that you might have to be faced kind of big steps in a relationship and are also like make it more inconvenient to break up, then they just kind of muscle through

the relationship and then try to get to the appropriate next steps. And so they, you know, I think there's a ton of people who get married when things are kind of rocky or, you know, or they get married where they mean like, you know, and they push down any concerns and doubts and things like that because they're like kind of pot committed yeah but then are they at that point saying well now we're committed now it'll work out we'll spend the rest of our lives together or is there i mean whatever you tell yourself i mean like i don't know what day i don't i don't know when it happened in like society where like getting divorced just became like socially acceptable because there was definitely a time where it was just flat out not and if you did it was like a such like so much of a stigma

damaged goods like really atrocious and not you know and there was a point where it was just like oh it sucks you know and obviously difficult and has its challenges but it became an option for people men women everyone and once that, no matter what was said at your vows, people had an out. So I guess it doesn't ultimately matter the mindset, what you tell yourself going in. It doesn't change the fact that people have an option to divorce you if you don't deliver on your vows other than the death do you part. I had a moment at my cousin's wedding where I was watching. It was like my cousins, like my aunt and uncle who are still together, have been together

forever. Like definitely an on again, off again relationship. It sounded like they put their friends through hell throughout high school and college with like all of the like, will they, won't they, et cetera, but like have been married, have four kids, super happy. And then my cousin's husband whose parents are divorced and they aren't really on speaking terms they both showed up on the day and were very civil and cordial to one another but it's definitely it's not a marriage that ended with like mutual positivity necessarily and I remember like getting so emotional thinking about how like it's it's kind of beautiful like knowing that like knowing that when you are like going

into this marriage that like there's it's not a surefire thing at all and like even though you may aspire to something there's like statistically a really high likelihood that it might not pan out that way and to still choose to do that is like to take that leap I think is so beautiful yeah I think I think how you frame it to yourself just depends on your personality or the personality of your partner I think it's some people see that as beautiful Some people see it as like having one foot out the door. Yeah. Cause I feel like if I voice this concern of like, oh, well you never know, like it could one day end. I can hear a lot of people saying, well, then that's a sign you shouldn't be getting married. You shouldn't be marrying this person. Yeah. Cause I think

there's a lot of people who are like, unless you are convinced that, you know, I think there know. I think there's a difference between like saying that out loud, like you never know, or just like being real with yourself, being like, I don't know, like you never know. I have been in situations in my life where I thought something would never happen and it did. And going forward for the rest of my life, like when it comes to romantic relationships, I'm not saying I can't be shocked or surprised, but ultimately if something bad happens, I'll be like, that sucked. But I knew it was always possible. I think now with the fact that divorce is a real thing, I think prenups are something that should be talked about more and more and shouldn't be demonized as unromantic. A prenup is only necessary if you do get divorced. So hopefully it's not

necessary and like lawyers like at this point like other than the love part but a marriage in a lot of ways is a contractual agreement between two parties who plan on parenting together and sharing finances and it just makes sense to like have something you don't need like it's like they always say you'd rather like have something you don't need than you did not have it. And I don't think having a conversation about pre-nubs and things like that, because ultimately that can take the pressure off. Because like, listen, we only need this if it doesn't work out. And I hope to never, I hope to like put this away, but let's spend a little money now so that neither of us have to worry about it for either of us are in it for the wrong reasons or things like that. And that's not that you're questioning. It's all about

I can't predict the future. And we're hiring someone whose job it is, is to try to predict the future as much as possible. And then in writing, get us to agree how we're going to go about things, et cetera, et cetera. And I think in a society where divorce is so commonplace and happens even to the couples who say they will never get divorced, I think it's something that can add to the upfront expectations and avoid complicated things down the road. But it's just a matter of perspective. Yeah. Something that I find kind of interesting is I think a lot of the couples who I talk to who have been happily married for 30, 40, 50 years, I feel like with almost all of them, like, they can point to a time where, like, things were really rocky and they weren't sure if they were going to make it. Like, where stuff got really close to, like, hitting the fan, whether it was, you know, like, circumstantial of, like, someone losing their job, financial stress, illness or death in the family, whether it was just like communication, interpersonal relationship stuff. And I do think there is

something to be said, though, for this like breaking up is not an option. Like we are going to figure it out mentality in terms of like being having that to navigate and get through those challenging times. But then it's also hard because it's like breaking up is not an option is also a philosophy that could keep you in a really toxic, like unhealthy relationship. And so it is so hard to know like what's right. But I do think there is kind of something to be said for like just this mentality of like I'm going to figure it the fuck out no matter what. I just think there's like probably more of a middle ground. Like if you're agreeing to marry someone, that's an even bigger commitment than dating.

It's not as easy to just go in and out of the doors. You can't just up and leave or you shouldn't there's a difference between like pushing through something and you're right being in like a very toxic unhealthy situation yeah and i think it's just like using common sense and being an adult and like yeah if you're gonna get married you it's at a minimum it's like you're willing to push through the petty shit. We're going to do everything we can possibly think of to save this relationship. Everything is an option to try to make this relationship work. And we're going to have to be patient with it. And we're going to have to be okay with knowing that there are going to be some ups and downs.

And those downs might last longer than a week. And we still have to be willing to communicate, I love you and things like that. But to your point, there's always that point where like that realization I've done everything I possibly can think of and more. And then I stayed even longer and I don't feel safe or happy or secure and I don't know what else to do. You're forced to make a decision, but you know, it's like using kind of common sense, but yeah, I think

there's nuance to those conversations. I do think the oversimplification of like, well, if you ask me this question, that means you don't love me or stuff like that. I think those are childish conversations and it's an oversimplification of any situation. And we live in a nuanced world, even though we like to pretend that we don't. And the more we can communicate up front, the better position we're gonna be in well speaking of divorce breakup song of the week breakup song of the week divorce song of the week so this is the first so okay so part of me was tempted to like save this for a while because on the first day that we opened submissions two people submitted

this song and i was like how many people are going to submit this song like i kind of want to see but i think we gotta give it to the people and that song is the lamest drum roll in the world edge of desire by john mayer and so we had two different submissions uh and two different lyrics highlighted so one was i went through a breakup story boys i went through a breakup after a five-year relationship and didn't want to do anything. My cousins forced me to go to a John Mayer concert with them. And when i heard this song live i was like damn okay i feel this this is the song that got me into john mayer who helped me get through my breakup through the song i realized that no matter how sad i am i will get through it also i'll be damned if i'm afraid of a man forgetting about me he should be worried that

i'll forget about him all caps i grew so much from my breakup and I'm now happily engaged to someone else. Yay. The power of John Mayer. The lyric for that person was, don't say a word. Just come over and lie here with me because I'm just about to set fire to everything I see. I want you so bad. I'll go back on the things I believe. There I said it.

I'm scared you'll forget about me. Oh, cutting lyric. The other person who submitted the song did not submit a personal story, but the lyric that they highlighted was, wired and I'm tired. Think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor. Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours. Breakup song of the week. Breakup song of the week. Well, we have a great episode for you. Any updates on Book Club? We are, Book Clubs are popping

off. So again, go to our Instagram, the Vile Files Instagram. It's highlighted under, on our little stories, story highlights, Book Club links are right there. You can also search for them directly on Facebook if you type in D-T-Y-E-H-B for, you know, any of the following cities, LA,

San Diego, San Francisco, Phoenix, Dallas, Columbus, Boston, Sacramento, any of the following cities, LA, San Diego, San Francisco, Phoenix, Dallas, Columbus, Boston, Sacramento, Denver, New York city,

Toronto, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Vancouver, DC, Seattle, Baltimore. And we're,

we're working on some other ones. We have some more Canadian ones. I had someone reach out from Milwaukee, Nick. So a lot of them are in progress. Buffalo is also in progress. So other ones popping up, we'll keep you guys updated. But if you're ever curious if your city is live and ready to go, again, just search DTYEHBbookclub-whatevercity and it'll pop up if there is one. If not, feel free to send us an email or keep your fingers

crossed that it's in progress being built. All right. Well, don't forget to send in those questions that ask Nick at castme.com, cast with a K. We'd love some breakup stories. We want some bad first date stories. Even if you don't have a question, we'd just like to hear your stories. Well, obviously, if you have questions, we want to hear those. If you need help breaking up with someone, we're here to help. If you're not sure if whether you should stay in a go in a relationship, we're here to help you figure that out. And as always, we're looking for the situation, should or get off the pot conversation with two people.

Situationship mediation, essentially. So tell your friends, ask your friends, write us, ask Nick. CastMe.com, cast with a K. And also, if the company Christmas party gets saucy, please, we welcome any and all holiday stories. Everything is anonymous, so don't you worry about that. Be sure to check out our freestyle episode Wednesday to, you know,

all your pop culture. We'll do some calls. It'll be fun. Might have a special guest. We haven't decided yet. Katie Maloney from Vanderpump will be with us for Going Deeper on Thursday, so be sure to check that out. It'll be a ton of fun. Let's get to our callers.

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And I don't know how much that's weighing into my decision making. Okay. Well, let's start with why you are considering breaking up with your boyfriend. So we've been having just a few issues over the past, I would say, two months. We've been fighting quite heavily. I mean, long story short, he's kind of thinking, he's like, okay, we either shit or get off the pot at this point. And a little background, he comes from a very broken family and doesn't really have good ideas of love and family life and all of that. And I come from a very stable and happy family. And I think I have a good idea of love and life and growing together. It's getting very real.

And I think he's getting very scared. and him getting very scared makes me think, well, then why the heck am I living here and sacrificing all this? So that has just led into a bunch of other little fights and I don't feel like I'm being loved to how I deserve to be loved, if that makes sense. Sure. Well, how would you like to be loved and what is not happening? I would like to be even some of the basic stuff like you told me you're beautiful and little things on a daily basis that just like acts of service, I guess, in a sense that make him show that he's caring and thinking about me, where in turn, I feel as though I'm the one doing a lot of the pursuing to him right now and trying to make sure he's happy,

where in turn, he knows what I need and I don't think he's really giving me any of that. Have you communicated these concerns with him? I have. You have. And he gets kind of defensive. And we talked about this last night and he was like, well, why haven't you told me any of this? And I'm like, literally, we broke up like two weeks ago and this is one of the reasons why. And we started therapy actually last Friday was our first session. A lot of this was brought in as to why I'm not feeling loved or worthy.

And it's like not registering with him. How old is he? He's 35. So there's a 10-year age difference between the two of us. You already broke up with him and then got back together kind of thing? We kind of had a big fight about two weeks ago. And I was like, I'm done.

Because he said the deal breaker was, he was like, I'm not ready to marry you. And I don't know if I could get there. That's a big statement. Yeah. So, okay. That's enough. And I went home to my parents' house. I live about five hours away, packed up some stuff, went home for a week, which was not ideal. My life is here in a running group. I don't want to pack up and leave. Went home. We ended up talking and being like, no, we're going to work through this. We're going to go to therapy.

Been back for about two weeks. It's been fine, but I feel like I'm just a second thought kind of in his head. Interesting. So even after you guys got back together, you haven't even felt like a burst of effort from his part? Exactly. One thing, for example, I'm training for a marathon. So I went and ran 15 miles on Friday and I asked him the night before

he can bring home five bags of ice. So I could on his way home from work, I take an ice bath after him. Like he just, he thought I was kidding. And I'm like, what? He said that? I'm assuming he said he thought you were kidding.

Yeah, he got home and I was like, did you bring the ice? He's like, oh, I thought you were joking. And then he said he would make me kidding yeah he got home and i was like did you bring the ice he's like oh i thought you were joking and then he said he would make me breakfast didn't make me breakfast so i had to like make both of us breakfast because then he got busy so it's like little things like that have you said to him i don't you you regularly regularly don't make me feel like a priority last night i did really for the first time you said so you said the word priority i feel like his men are kind of, you almost have to like simplify things.

Exactly. And I very much don't. I'm like a talker and a fixer and I like do all this stuff. And I think that just like overwhelms them. So I just, I don't know. Let's talk about the financially dependent part. Yeah.

How financially dependent are you? I mean, I have a job. I have my own money. Is it a lifestyle thing or is it like you like incapable of supporting have my own money is it a lifestyle thing or is it like you like incapable of supporting yourself no it's a lifestyle thing i can't i've lived alone before him for a few years but you know i moved in in june i have some hefty student loans that i have so when i moved in he was like just pay those off because if we get married like your debt

becomes my debt so i haven't been saving so now it, okay, if I have to go and pay $1,300 for a studio apartment, that's going to be very tight. And I have no furniture. I sold all of that when I moved in. I don't even have a coffee machine. It's just thinking of all these little things where this isn't a decision. I can just be like, okay, I'm going to move out. It's a big decision I have to think about for both ends. Yeah. And I definitely think you should think about it. And I think you, you know, I love that you guys are going to couples therapy and I don't think you're in a position to make a rash decision anytime soon, but I also don't think you need to be dragging this out for months either. Exactly. I also think while it might be wildly inconvenient and not ideal, and there might be some like tough choices and some nights,

maybe sleeping on a mattress without furniture you can do it yeah maybe you can even pick up a second job you know you will have some free time on your hands because you won't have a boyfriend to complain about so you know what i'm saying like and you're young and so i was like that part yes it's scary like the thought of just having to start over and like you know i live in this nice house right now and having to move to a freaking studio apartment that That is scary, but I know I'm capable of doing that. I lived alone before, like I'm capable of doing that. I think my fear right now is at what point do I just stop trying to fix this? At what point do I say, you know what,

I know what I'm worth. You can't live up to that right now. Like I need to remove myself from the situation and hopefully you can figure out what you need to do or if you even want to be with me, I guess. I think because, you know, with the age difference and more specifically the money, because, you know, when we talk about like age difference, the whole power dynamic conversation comes up. But like, as you also pointed out, I mean, it's a variable of, you know, it's also the money and the age play a role together. Obviously with him being older, it makes sense why he might be a little bit more advanced in his career and maybe why he might make a little bit more than you. But nevertheless, there's all different ways that power dynamics can shift in a relationship.

Like all of a sudden, your ability to regulate your emotions and your feelings and communicate effectively gives you a sense of power that he might not have. Like maybe he's just simply incapable of doing that. I don't know. But this is all to say that I think you really need to, you kind of already have, but I think it would be a good exercise for you to really just say, all right, no matter what happens and no matter how convenient it might be, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can move out. I can reset. I don't like to use the word start over. You're not starting over. You're just kind of resetting. You're not being reborn. You're not getting a whole new group of friends. You're not moving to a city. You're just resetting, and it's going to be a little more inconvenient. You might not

have as nice of furniture or a home, but a lot of fun could be had by getting your own one-studio loft apartment and decorating it the way you want. You a lot of, you know, you can have a ton of fun and it might be different and it'll be good memories. I have great memories that are now amazing memories, memories I'll always cherish of my girlfriend cheating on me and me having to move out and move in with my grandma, which at the time was really, you know, humiliating as a 28 year old guy who really like always valued being able to take care of myself. And I always valued like being in a, like, like having my own place and being, you know, successful and, and, and, and not like feeling like my life was a mess. I always valued that stability. And so like for me to having to move in with my grandma and that was a choice,

I just didn't want to be there. So she lived in the city and like, I was like, I just, I can't be here. So I've such good memories of living with my grandma and we had fun and we hung out and went to baseball games and she, I would get home from the bars and she'd be up knitting and we would shoot the breeze about like my nights.

And it was a lot of fun. And I don't know what kind of fun you're going to have, but you're certainly going to have new experiences. But I think you, having that conversation with yourself saying, I can do this, will free up whatever concerns or fears you have. It'll give you more power. And then I think you will start making decisions based on the relationship, solely based on the relationship. And that's where I am. Literally yesterday, I applied for an apartment. I'm in the freaking queue for Taylor Swift tickets right now, but I used that money yesterday to send applications for apartments. So I'm just like, I'm making those steps and I'm genuinely

like I paid money to send my applications for apartment to get that ball rolling. I don't know. At what point do I straight up say i'm out what point do i say okay this is when i want to move into a new apartment like who are you seeing taylor with she's not seeing taylor anymore no but i'm saying like who if you're going with a girlfriend or like a family member or whatever can they like pay for your ticket for now you explain the circumstance and then pay when it comes to see her okay now a little more backstory i mentioned this is a stressful day for Swifties everywhere. I feel you, girlfriend.

No, I've been at Q all day, but my boyfriend ended up, he said he would pay for them. He told me, he understands. But I'm also like, the money right now for the tickets. Does he know you're applying for appointments? Yeah, I told him last night. What did he say? I don't know. He didn't say anything. He looked shocked and his eyes got really watery.

And I was like, what else do I do? Do I sit here and just be miserable and sad and feel like you don't even love me? Did you say that? I did. Literally, he didn't say much last night. He looked just shocked. And we were sitting there and I was talking for 15 minutes. And after a while, I was like, literally, I was watching Bachelor in Paradise, paused it. And I was like, we had that talk. And I was like, you know what? If you don't have anything else to say, that's fine. But just let me know so I can go upstairs, shower, and continue watching my show. And he just was in shock. And I went up to bed and continued watching my show. Kind of fell asleep. He got into bed later that night. Funny enough, last night when I was talking, I bought him the book Atomic Habits a few weeks ago. And I was like, I don't

want you to read this book. And last night, I was like, I bought you that book and you won't even read it. Like it's kind of, you have to fix a lot of your habits. And he got into bed last night and he was reading the book. Like he does these little things, but it's, it's like, I have to tell him or like cry about it for it to happen. You know? Have you said that? Yes. Well, I mean, you just have to ask, I don't, I can't give you an answer of what your limit is or how much therapy you can do. Going to couples therapy twice isn't going to fix your problems, right? So how done are you? You sound kind of done. He doesn't seem like the most emotionally mature person. It's not that he can't get there, but how much do you want to deal with

that? He might need a little love too, like in the sense that like, you might be done giving this to him, but it sounds like a guy who you might need to remind, like, I want this to work. I really do. Because the things that you're saying, I could see him picturing being like, she's already given up. She's done. So why should I try? Yeah. And I know he loves me and like, we're like each other's life partners. Like we both can't imagine like not being with each other and like doing life together. I know that's true. And we vocalize that to each other before, but like he needs to do that push and put in the effort. And I don't know, I don't want to throw my towel in too soon,

but I also don't want to keep babying him the whole for like four more months, you know, what's four months isn't a big deal i'm more concerned about like a year a year and a half yeah this all happened last night yeah i mean we got into a fight that sunday not even a fight like he just shut off i said something he shut off we didn't talk for like 36 hours how did therapy go i thought it went well and i was it was a big deal for him to go into therapy. Right. Big deal. Getting him there. Like we're driving, I was praying. I was like, dear God, please like let the words like go into his head. I thought it went well. And at the end,

the therapist, like, do y'all want to reschedule for next week? And he was like, yeah, like, let's get on the calendar for a week from here. But then, you know, we get home and he's like, I just felt as though i was being lectured to and like i was like okay and the therapist had said some things that were very insightful that i took to heart that i'm like putting into practice and i mentioned i was like why aren't you like putting any of this into practice that we learned for like a couple days ago and he was like i just i felt lectured so now i'm like i don't know did i thought it went well this would be a fun mediation call.

I think I could get him to do it, to be honest. Really? Well, we're down. Yeah. I mean, listen, your frustrations are valid. And again, you're going to have to decide for yourself what your limit is. He's getting very defensive. So it's like if he were sitting right... The reason why I said I'd love a mediation call, because I would ask him, it's just like, maybe you do like, clearly your partner is frustrated with you and she loves you and she wants to make it work and she's not getting things from you that she needs. So clearly she needs you to do things and you're more focused on, you know, whether she's doing as much as you need to work on, maybe you need to work on more than she needs to work on. She seems to be more

unhappy with this relationship than you are. And that's not to like make you feel bad or worse. It's just, that's the reality of how she feels. There may be a time if you guys stay together where you might be feeling like you're not getting enough from her and you're going to have to communicate that. But right now your partner feels like it's a challenge to get you to make her feel like a priority. And she has to constantly remind you how to make you feel a priority. And when she gives you notes on how to make you to make her feel like a priority. And she has to constantly remind you how to make you feel a priority. And when she gives you notes on how to make her feel like a priority,

you seem to not want to do any of those. I always talk about how Natalie makes it easy for me to be successful. And she's very generous by saying, I would really like some flour. She jokes about it, or she's very clear. And I can decide whether I want to do those things or not, but I often do them. And you know what she does when I do them?

She says, thank you. And she's happy. And she doesn't make those comments like, well, it'd be nice not to have to ask you. Like, no, we have a relationship where she's just like, I'm going to tell you the things I want that make me happy. And it'd be nice if you could do like a chunk of those, you know, and because it makes me feel like you make me a priority. And if I can, oh, and at any moment I could, I don't feel this way, but if I wanted to, I could say, you know, if I, let's say I felt taken advantage of or something or, you know, or maybe I was just like, boy, you're asking a lot. I could, I could say, hey, you know, like, it seems like you ask a lot, but you're not giving enough, you know, again, that's not happening, but like that could happen. And I would communicate that. But he is this like, he doesn't want to help himself. It's like, you say you don't want to lose the relationship, but what are you willing to do to keep this relationship going? Because

relationships take a lot of work. And if you're looking for someone to just have around to be at home when you get home, then she's not your person. I think the other day I mentioned the flowers thing, kind of like you said, how Natalie would do. And he bought me flowers the next day. Like that was one really sweet thing he did. And didn't verbalize this but in my head i was like of course i had to bring it up you gotta let that go i know and i didn't say anything i was very grateful i was like thank you like these are beautiful notebooks sitting right here at my desk and like part of me just had like this feeling right now and he said all that like i think i want to let what i told him last night kind of simmer and sit and see over the next few days. I'm going home for Thanksgiving next week. So

that can almost be a test point for me. Over the next few days, see what happens and see if that resonated with him at all. I think maybe even writing him a letter. Because sometimes you sit down and talk and then it snowballs into like an argument yeah and i feel like this letter would go something like you start by saying how much you love him and how much like if it was my choice and if it's my choice this relationship would work out if it were my choice you would be my person but it's not just my choice. It's our choice and our decisions we make in our relationship will determine whether that's going to be a reality or not. I want this to work, but for it to work, I want to be with someone who on a regular basis

makes me feel like a priority. And I want to be able to communicate to the person I'm with ways to make me feel like a priority. And I want them to want to do those things because they love me, you know, and I want that to be you, but I can't make it be you. Yeah. And I'm hoping that you're willing to do these things. We will always have to work on things. We'll always have our challenges at a minimum. If I give you ways to make me feel like a priority, then I want you to want to do those things because it would be nice if you thought of those things on their own, but I don't even need that. What I need is to know that you're willing to do the things I ask and want to do it because

it makes me happy. And I want you to want to make me happy and I want to make you happy. And if you have needs, I want to communicate those needs. But at the end of the day, we have to want to make each other a priority and we have to want to make each other happy and we we have to want to make each other happy. And we have to be willing to make compromises and sacrifices to do those things for each other on a regular basis. And if you're down for that, I'm totally down. But what I'm not down to do is constantly wonder if you give a shit, like making me happy.

I'm not interested in just being your live-in girlfriend. I'm not just interested in being here. I want to have an independent life and I have things I love and you have things you love and I want you to enjoy those things, but I always want it to come back to us. This is what I want from a relationship and I hope that you want to give it to me.

And if you can't, that's fine, but that's a choice you're making. And I'm only willing to wait around so long to do that. And I need you to be less concerned about whose job it is to fix it. This is an us and a we thing. That was good. I think I will write him a letter. You mentioned it a few episodes ago.

I think about writing a letter or something. And that kind of sparked in my head. I was like, I almost want to write a letter to him. So I think I will now. Yeah. Something like that. And just to say, you know, when you, cause he's a guy, I think when you give him the letter, you need to say, please read this whole thing and just take your time.

Maybe read it a couple of times. I really like, this is really exactly how I feel about us. And I really need you to hear me. And I'm writing you this letter because I don't want it to be a back and forth. I really want you to take in what I'm saying. Oh, that's perfect. I'll do that. And see if he's willing to step up. I know he needs to at this point. In the meantime, until you're out, don't hedge your bets because that's not helping. I understand

you're a planner. You don't want to feel homeless, but trust me, it really hurt him when he found out you're looking for another apartment and he probably just assumed that you're already given up, so he's going to give up. And you think the letter will fix, not fix that, but show him. Fix, I don't know. But if you're still willing to work on this relationship, I think you need to remind him that you still want to make this work. And then you need to communicate your expectations on how, what you need out of the relationship. And you hope that he wants to give it to you.

Okay. But make it clear that this is like, these are my frustration. This is why I'm frustrated because how I feel like I am communicating how you can make me feel like a priority. And I feel like you're not making it a priority to do some very simple things that I'm asking. And if it's that hard, I don't want to be with someone where it feels like it's a struggle to make me feel loved. And it feels like it's hard for you

to make me feel loved. And if he gets offensive, he'll be like, well, I don't know why it's so hard for me. I'll be like, well, thank you for the flowers. But I want to be with someone who, one of my love languages is words of affirmation. So I want to hear that you love me on a regular basis. I want you to call me beautiful on a regular basis.

I want to be, I want to feel beautiful. I want to feel special with the person I'm in love with and I need the person I'm with to say that to me from time to time. No,

that's exactly it. That's exactly what I'm thinking. But if you're still wanting to work on this, you need to let them know that you, that's your priority because hedging your priority.

Yeah, I am. I can't imagine not working on things. I love him so much. We have a dog to get. I can't imagine not being here. I'm close to the edge, but I'm not there yet. There's going to be a lot of inconveniences if you move out. But in the most simplest way, you need to let them know that A, you still very much want to make this work, but you're also not afraid even as hard as it's going to be and as much as you do not want to do it to ultimately leave this situation if you're not going to get what you need out of a relationship. And he needs to understand both those things. He should be able to understand those simultaneously. He should. He will. He can. And if he's down to do a mediation,

give us a call. I will. I will. I think right now my guess is he needs to even know that you are hopeful. He's preparing for you to leave right now, it sounds like. Yeah. And now he's just trying to protect himself. Yeah, that's what it seems like. But yeah,

you still can only do 100% of your half. Remind him of that too. It feels like I'm doing 100% of mine from an emotional standpoint. For us to be connected emotionally feels to me like I'm doing the heavy lifting, the emotional heavy lifting in our relationship. And I'm trying to do some of your part

and I need you to do all of your part so I can just focus on doing all of mine. Okay, yeah, that's good. Perfect. Thank you. Well, keep us posted. I definitely will. Thank you so much. All right. Well, good luck. All right. Bye, Nick. All right. Bye-bye.

How's it going? Hey, how are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Sloan and I'm 27. How can we help Sloan? So I guess the gist of it is I had this guy visit me from out of town and he couldn't get it up all weekend. And I think I'm just wondering if there's a bigger issue there or it was because he

was super nervous and in his head. There's no liftoff? No liftoff. No liftoff. Give me some details. What was, who is this guy? How old is he? How'd you guys meet?

What's the situation? Why would he be stressed? So I've known him for a few years. We've met a few times over the years. And we met through a mutual friend. We've only met once or twice, honestly. But both times, we ended up making out. That was it. And then we've been talking a lot over the past few months. We still both live in different cities. And it's progressed a little bit more. He started to FaceTime me and stuff like that. And he asked me to come and visit him.

And I was like, no, you can come visit me. And I didn't think he was actually going to. And then on a Monday, he booked a flight and he came that weekend. Okay. And you guys tried to mess around? Yeah. He got in town. We went to dinner, went out and had some drinks.

And then came back. And yeah, that mean, he like got in town. We like went to dinner, went out and had some drinks and then like came back. And yeah, that night nothing happened. And then he said that he was really in his head and that he like really liked me. And it like just wasn't going to work. And then but like I was like, OK, so maybe it was alcohol and stuff. Did you start messing around when he said this or you guys didn't even get to that? Yeah, we didn't really even get to that you weren't even making out no we made out and we were like in bed but then like he just couldn't get it up so you were trying to get it up yes

there was some heavy petting exactly okay and he was like sorry i'm just in my head this isn't gonna work yeah he said like he was like super nervous about the whole weekend and that he like really liked me and that how old is he he's 28 okay and then what happened on the next day so then the next i just like that's never happened so i kind of didn't really know how to handle that and the next morning like it like still didn't happen again and then i kind of just was like okay like let's just go and we kind of had a nice day he met my friends later that night everything was fine then yeah sunday morning kind of like the same thing happened again and he put it and i'm cringing at what he said but he said like

despite my dick not working this weekend i do really like you that's kind of funny it's kind of funny at least he's like acknowledging it i think it'd be worse if he was like acting like nothing happened yeah i agree have you heard from him since so yeah and so that's kind of my issue so he um has invited me to come and visit him but i'm kind of wondering how i like navigate the situation if this happens again like i like we didn't really like talk too much about it i'm like is this a bigger issue or is this just like really just nerves? I don't know. I mean,

I don't think he would come and visit a girl if he had actual ED and was like taking something like he would have brought something. Right. Yeah. Sure. It's just nerves. You know, possibly.

Yeah. Well, especially if he's like, if he goes wrong the first time, like I'm sure it's snowball. Yeah. And he's like, okay,

can't go wrong again. And then like the pressure just gets like more and more immense. And also I think like some guys like it's not like it's got to be an issue for the first time at some point. I know guys who literally struggle to get it up if they're not actively dating someone or if they don't really know them that well or if there's not that emotional connection. So, I mean, it's the first time you've hung out in person. Anxiety will crush a boner like no no one's business it's tough i mean let's put that on a t-shirt and it definitely it definitely will snowball and like as a guy you're just like it's like panic mode it's like oh my god it like and then you're like you know and it's just it's just yeah it can get worse and worse i don't know if there's anything to do other than not make it worse. And I mean, I don't feel like I did.

I mean, I didn't, I was like, it's fine. Like I wasn't. I think if you like him and you're interested in getting to know him better, you should take him up on his offer. And you should just try to take sex off the table. Okay. Maybe you don't even need to say anything. And just be like like i think you want to say what did you say when he made that joke uh i mean i just like laughed and i was like it's

really fine you need to say more than that i think you need to maybe hit him with uh i really had a nice time too don't bring up his dick networking just let him know how good of a time you had and how much you want to get to know him more and make him feel like despite all that happening, that's not really your concern. Because ultimately, let's just assume the best that he has a totally fine working penis and he's just a little stressed out and maybe he is just a good guy

who really cares about what you think and he's got in his head and it snowballed and eventually things are going to work just fine. But what you did have is a really nice time with a guy, which is hard enough to do. And let's prioritize that versus making it all about his dick. And I mean, I like texted him that I had a good time and I would come visit him.

And I, and this was another one of my questions. So then in our text, like after that, he then kind of like freaked out and was like, I don't want a long distance relationship i like when did he say that it was so after he visited i like said i had a great time with him when he came and that like i would be down to come and visit him like he asked me to do before he left so you did say you had a great time you didn't say it was fun okay i did i mean like it should have been more awkward than it was because i hadn't seen him in a few years and it was like

it went really well. But yeah, then he was just saying like with his job, he can't have a long distance relationship. He's like, thinks that's a deal breaker for him. So then I was just a little bit more confused then about like why he came to visit. And then if I should even go down there and visit on that note. But like he said he didn't want to stop talking to me and we're still talking. So I don't really know if like maybe because of like the whole sex thing and that like not happening. Like then he was even more in his head about like everything or he's like just telling me what I need to like listen to and that he doesn't want. Yeah, I think you just need to kind of calm out on his contradiction.

If he's going to say I'm not interested in a long distance relationship and you guys are long distance, then there's no point in you guys talking. Yeah. And I think you should be clear about that. Be like, listen, and I don't know how you stand, be like, I don't think anyone's interested in long distance relationship and, you know, work. But at the end of the day, I don't want a long distance relationship either. But I also right now in the point in my life where I just want to prioritize valuable connections. And I feel like we like connected and I'm open to getting you getting to know you more. I think we both recognize that a long-distance relationship has its challenges if you know with 100 certainty that like this isn't going to go anywhere then I don't think it makes sense for me to finish or I don't think I don't think it makes sense no no pun intended

since you know you're not't finish i will uh anyway uh i don't think it makes sense for me to come out and that's kind of what he said in the text he was like if you see this going like somewhere like he just was like i don't think i want long distance so like if you're okay to come down and like knowing that then that's kind of up to you but i still want you to visit and i do like you so i'm just getting like all this like contra indicating stuff i'll call him out about that and don't text us get him on the phone oh yeah no i wouldn't like this just facetime and be like can we talk like which one is it man but you want oh so you want to be fuck buddies with a broken dick don't say that but you get my confusion you know yeah definitely i mean i know he wasn't coming to visit me just

for the sex so that's great i guess yeah don't don't say that be like just try to have a mature conversation just be like what do you want because you just say you you're you're kind of confusing me i'm not looking to start a situationship or i'm not looking to have a long distance fuck buddy or a hookup friend just say that don't make any jokes about the dick situation. You know, just assume that everything works just fine. And you just saying that might even give him some confidence to that. You just have faith that his dick will work. You tell me like, it's not in to say, you know, like you want, you're putting this on me. Like what I, what I want from anyone I'm hanging out with, I want some level of commitment and expectation, you know? So

like you saying, Oh, I don't want this, this and that, but I still want to see you and I still like you. What is that? What I know I don't want to do is waste my time. I'm interested in getting to know you. I'm interested to see where this goes. But if you know for certain that you're not in a position to have anything romantic long distance or otherwise, then we definitely shouldn't hang out.

And that's a civil conversation. Yeah. But you could say, I do like you. And I, you know, I think we might be ending this prematurely if you like me too. Just calm out on that. I guess that's what I would do. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, because I've just gotten a lot of mixed, I think, things from him since the visit.

And I think it was a pretty big deal for him to come and visit after we hadn't seen each other for a while and everything like that. Well, great. Yeah. And he had a nice time. And you're willing to go visit him but you're not willing to go just to like have something to do like you're not a bored person with nothing to do that's basically what he's like you're out if you're bored you have nothing to do come visit me you know so when he says things that contradict themselves or don't make sense it's fair to ask what he means and ask for clarity well to, to say that doesn't make sense.

Which one is it? Do you like me or you're not in a position to be in a relationship? And if he says both, be like, well, you're going to have to pick. Like, it's not fair for you to put on me. Do you like me enough that you want me to fly out and spend money and come visit you and invest my like limited time and see if this can go somewhere or not? And like, it's cool either way, buddy. Yeah, that's definitely what I need to do you know and make him decide yeah and i think that's the thing that he kind of like thought almost a little bit because like after talking to our mutual friend he said that like he left the weekend pretty freaked out and yeah i just like i'm just down to like i think i'm more willing to be in a long-distance relationship than he is i'm not necessarily with him but i at least would be willing to see where it goes. Well, I mean, listen, there's also something to

consider too, that maybe this guy is so in his head, he can't get out of it. Clearly his dick didn't work. And now he's just not making any sense because he's just like ruminating and thinking of every worst case scenario. And maybe you can say, Hey, just an observation. It seems like you overthink a lot. How about we just agree to just be in the moment and then evaluate afterwards? If you're telling me there's zero chance, then I don't think I should come. Yeah. I mean, I think that is the case. If he's for sure that he doesn't want anything more than there's no point for me to go down there. I don't think this guy has any clue what he wants, but he doesn't want to, what he doesn't want is to be the bad guy or,

you know, he wants to put the pressure on you and have you decide so that if it doesn't work out, he can say, well, hey, I was up front and I told you that I wasn't looking for anything. And I told you this wasn't going to work out because it's easy to say that it's easy to say, well, you know, just, you know, I'm not looking for a long distance relationship. So like, if you still want to hang, I like you. And if you want to come out, you can. So then that way, if you decide to come out and ends up being an amazing weekend, he can always change his mind. He knows that, right?

He can always be like, well, actually, you know, like, let's say I want to come see you next week. And can you hang out again? And you can be like, well, you know, I thought you don't want a day. You'd be like, well, it turns out I like you. It's so easy to change your mind when it's good news. And he knows that deep down. You got to hold him accountable for like putting himself out there so that if things don't

work out, like, and you're, you're both mature both mature people you're not gonna throw anything in his face like you're agreeing to see where this goes and you just need to know that he's willing to consider that and if he you know that's it but he can't put it on you yeah which i feel like he's doing with the visiting so it's like i need you to take some ownership of me coming out like i'm you know and so then go from there that's very helpful and like as far honestly as far Like, you know, and so it didn't go from there. That's very helpful. And like, honestly, as far as like, you know, him not being able to get it up, I would, as of now, ignore it.

Just pretend it didn't happen. That's not the big concern, it doesn't seem like. No, it's not the big concern. I mean, it was just something that happened during the weekend that was just like. The big concern is that he's incapable of getting out of his head, that he gets constant anxiety.

And he has literally crippling anxiety because he's so afraid of anything going wrong that he just avoids dealing with anything. So he's always like, can't do that, can't do that. Oh, I'm too scared to do this. That's a concern. That is a concern. So the best way to figure out whether he can overcome that is just hold him accountable for taking some risks and he did i mean he flew out to see you yeah i mean that was a big thing so but yeah just i think the weekend scared him and everything so

i that's what yeah my biggest question was just like if he was like more in his head about that that that's why he said the long distance thing. But I think it's just a combination. Maybe it's everything. He just sounds like a guy who's really just afraid. I empathize with the guy, you know, there's a lot to worry about, I guess,

you know, for everyone. And I mean, I'm not even sure I want long distance. Long distance is definitely not ideal. I guess I'm just more. Yeah. Say that.

I don't know. I don't know. This might really suck. I've been in a lot in my city and it hasn't been easy. i'm like i have a connection with this person i'm more willing to where it goes it's crazy just how hard of a time we have by like communicating like simple next steps with people we're interested in dating like we're just so all or nothing and i get part of the reason why is because feelings get involved and we're the heroes in our own stories. And when things don't work out, we get upset and hurt and we, you know, see each other through

our own kind of prisms and like, he doesn't want to be the bad guy. And no one wants, we all know that when things go south, you know, like things can get sad and then we don't want to be the bad guy. No one wants to be the bad guy. I would do that. Well, thank you for your advice. This was very helpful. Just to recap, what are we doing? I need to have a phone call with him and basically tell him kind of what I want. Yeah. At least that I'm willing to like see where this goes. And if he's not willing to, then I'm not going to come down and visit. I'm willing to be open. I'm willing to explore. And I need to know that you're willing to do all the things that I'm willing to do. And if you're not, then I'm not willing to do them either. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Okay. Okay. All right. Good luck. Let us know. Yeah, I'll let you know. All right. Take care. How's it going? Hi, thanks for having me on. My name is Quinn and I'm 22. How can we help Quinn? I was recently in a situationship and it's kind of become this drawn out thing. And I'm at the

point now where I really need to decide if this was just like a one time insane chemistry thing and let it go, or if I should take advantage of an opportunity to see him again. Okay. So you're not currently in this situationship? No, we're actually a few months past it, which makes me feel really pathetic, but it's still kind of on my brain. All right. And were you the one hoping it to be in a relationship? Yes. I was the one that was sort of asking the questions like, can we make this real thing? Can we make it work? And he was very much focused on career and it was a little messy. Okay. How old is he? He's also 22. Okay. What's this opportunity that's come up? So I have a work trip coming up and while we were talking, we were long distance. Like we met on

spring break at a separate like third party location. And our hometowns are like about eight hours away or, you know, where we went to school. So I'm going to his city where he lives for work. And it happens to be like right in that same neighborhood where he works. And so I could reach out and like ask to meet up. And it's just sort of a situation where the closure is not coming. And I feel like, I don't know, maybe this would solve the problem. What closure is not coming that you want? He first ended things back during school. It was about a month before we graduated. And of course, a month later, he calls me and he was like, listen, I really miss you. It just sucks. We're not in the same city. And I just feel like long distance isn't my

thing. We have this whole phone call but then come to find out a big reason why he broke it off with me was because there was a point that we were talking to each other where I went home with another guy was like early on and that like really upset him so he brought this all up like again on this last phone call and it was really kind of just not a good conversation and we kind of just didn't speak for the most part after that and i'm just still kind of hung up on it and i don't know how to like let that go because i feel guilty but i also feel like we never set boundaries because he didn't want to so i'm just so if i'm hearing you right he he called you up to essentially maybe end the situation. And while doing that through backing your face, the fact that you hooked up with some

other guy while you guys weren't dating. Yeah. So he had already ended the situation ship. We didn't talk for like a month. He called me again after graduation and was like, I miss you really torn up about it. Like, didn't know what to do. And like, I kind of get it too. Like it's a new stage of life. Like I do you really torn up about it. Like didn't know what to do. And like, I kind of get it too. Like it's a new stage of life.

Like I do get it. And before meeting him, I never would have entertained the idea of a relationship as I was graduating college, but he, I just really, really liked him. But yeah. So then this, this phone call a month after he ended it, we kind of were talking about why I ended. And he was like, honestly, like, I did think that was really disrespectful. And that was a huge reason I broke it off, but he was the one calling me a month later. I don't know. It was

a little confusing, but I can't let it go. And it's really frustrating. Yeah. It's unfortunate that he said that to you because I can see why you're hanging on to that. I don't want to say I don't buy it. I guess I don't buy it. I don't think that's the real reason. I don't doubt it bothered him, but I think it probably has more to do with the fact that it's, I don't buy it. I don't think that's the real reason. I don't doubt it bothered him, but I think it probably has more to do with the fact that it's, I don't know, maybe, who knows? I mean, I could see a 22-year-old guy thinking she went home with another guy while we were talking,

but I can see him letting that bother his ego. Let me ask you this question. Did you ever really shoot your shot with him? Did you really put yourself out there and say, I really like you? I really... Like be vulnerable? Yeah. Did you tell him all the reasons why you wanted to be in a relationship with him and why, despite the inconveniences of long distance, that you wanted to really give this a shot

and try to make it work? Did you ever do that? So I think I could have been a little bit more explicit and been like, hey, I want to be your girlfriend. I didn't say those words, but I said we were constantly checking in about work. And I was like, hey, I think we could make this work because the way COVID work is right now, I knew I was pretty much going to be in a remote job. And I was like, he knew he didn't want to be in a remote job. but I was sort of like, you know, I, I, I've never felt this way and I would be willing to go to whatever city, not move in. Cause I think that's crazy, but like I'm remote anywhere I can be anywhere. And he was like, no, like, you're just going to resent me. Like we did have the conversations as if it was like definitely on the table, but I didn't say the words like I want to be exclusive or anything.

So you kind of did it. Yeah. I mean, my typical answer would be like, you're wasting your time. If you want to hook up with someone on your trip, then by all means do that. If you want to reach out to this guy, it might scratch an inch of vulnerability that you're not prepared to open up and and and maybe it might just be best to move on i stand by all those things and that's definitely a more the safest most pragmatic answer to help you maybe get the closure you need and and you get that closure through through yourself would be to you know you if you want like there's no harm and saying, hey, I'm going to be in your town. I'd love to grab a drink with you. He definitely might say no. He could have moved on. Maybe he's

in a better place. Maybe he's dating someone. These are all possibilities you got to prepare yourself for. But assuming he's single and he wants to meet up with you, I think you need to be really matter of fact. I think you can't just be like, hey, I just wanted to catch up and things like that. I think you would want to say something like, assuming this is true, but what I'm hearing from you, it seems like this is the case, which is I spent a lot of time this past month thinking about you and what you said. It bothered me. I understand why I would upset you when I went home with that other person, but at the same time, it bothered me when you chose to say it. But more importantly, I have been thinking about you and I'm not expecting this to change your mind because you ended it, but I needed to get this out and say, I was really disappointed that we didn't really try this out. I think there's a lot of potential there. And I understand you're

upset with me for what I did that. But at the same time, we didn't set boundaries. We didn't set expectations. I wouldn't have expected you, you know, had you done that. Like I'm a person who likes to communicate, you know, and I don't know how you want to say it, but some version of that, I think you just need to really put yourself out there because at least if you do that, then you're reaching out for him for a reason, because then even if it doesn't go the way you want, you still might get some more clarity and ability to accept the reality. Because, you know, if you reach out to him, he could tell you he's a girlfriend or he's, he doesn't get back to you. That offers you more clarity. I mean, it might sting a little bit, but then you're just like, you know what? Fuck it. Like this guy has moved on.

Like there's nothing there. Maybe you sit down and talk with him and you put yourself out there. And again, doesn't give you what you want, but I think you will feel good that you just like tried, you know? Because I'm sensing from you this level of could I have done more or should I have done more in this stage of a situationship? And chances are you probably have done enough, but I don't think it hurts you to do it one more time knowing that you're going in with that mindset, right? Because again, you probably did it, right? When you were like talking about like, well, I could move, you know, and things like that, you came just short of just saying,

I'm gonna be vulnerable right now. And I just wanna tell you that I really like you. And I really hope that we can try this out. And I know there's a lot of inconveniences here, but I think there's a lot of good things that are hard to find that overweigh the inconveniences of trying to make this relationship work. What do you think

about that? Because this is what I want to do. As scary as that is to do, when you do it, and even if you get rejected, at least you can know that you tried and you can be like, all right, well, now I move on. Even if this is you lying to yourself, it'll be hard for you to lie to yourself knowing that you went in with this objective to get clarity. And I think that's the mindset you have if you're going to reach out. It's not to catch up. Don't tell yourself it's to catch up. And if you want to do one more hookup, maybe that's another goal. But this is about you getting clarity and really putting yourself out there. So if you're willing to really be vulnerable at this guy, knowing that most likely you're not going to get the answer

you want, then I say go for it. If you're not prepared to do that, then I think you're wasting your time and risking getting more confused and, and dragging out this kind of unsettled feeling you have, because there's a way to like move on from this guy without meeting up with them. And that is just simply just accepting that at the end of the day, he didn't want to make it work. You probably gave enough reasons to let him know that you were interested in. The fact that he brought you, I see that more as a red flag rather than you, like, it's good that you can empathize with him. I mean, like, oh, yeah, I guess I'd be upset too.

It was a weird time for him to say that. Like, why does he need to say that to you? And then, like, quite honestly, if I'm in your shoes and I'm not trying to give you false hope, I could convince myself that he said that because he's trying to figure out a way to get over it. That's the nice version. The other version, he's just a prick and he wanted to make you feel bad and he wanted to make you feel guilty and he was trying to shame you. I don't know the answer. I do think you should not ignore that he said that. And I don't mean pick a fight all about it, but I think you could just say, I'm sorry that hurt you. But I

do want to make it clear, we weren't in a relationship and we had no expectations around exclusivity. And I just want to make it clear that you weren't necessarily telling me I was doing something wrong. But I do understand that why that might have hurt your feelings. And I think you stand your ground there too. Yeah. I feel like I would definitely want to say that because on that last phone call, I was a little bit caught off guard and I was just very apologetic. And I talked to my friends about it and they're like, hold on. You're not just completely at fault here. You're being kind of hard on yourself.

And so, yeah, I mean, I definitely would bring that up if I did get the chance to meet up with him. Ian, I think the stage is first, I think first you put yourself out there. I have tried. How so? Put myself out there how? Well, I think if you meet up with him, I think you really go for it. You really just say, this is my reason for reaching out. I've been thinking about you.

This is what I want. And assuming you want that, right? I don't think you should reach out to him if you're like, if you're just like looking for some answers, but ultimately you don't want to date him. Like, do you want that right i don't think you should reach out to him if you're like if you're just like looking for some answers but ultimately you don't want to date him like like do you want to date him like are you open to dating this guy if this guy called you up today and said hey i don't you know like fuck it let's give it a shot would you be willing to try i think so i've what i meant by i've put myself out there is like i've tried like going on more dates and like it's not like I've like

closed myself off to that I just oh yeah I haven't found anything close to that connection I had with him so yeah I mean I think if if he actually like was open to it and wanted to do it like okay yeah just remember that it's only been a couple months and usually we don't find like it sucks but the reality is it's hard to find people we get excited about it's hard to find people we get connected with it should be hard because if it wasn't then it wouldn't feel special when we found it right and unfortunately if you're doing it right and quite honestly it sounds like you're doing it right i get more concerned with the people who are going on a bunch of dates and they're like, oh, I like all these guys and they don't, or I like all these

girls and they don't like, I can't get to a third date, you know? And it's just like, you can't possibly like them all. So if it is hard to find people you like, that means on some level you're doing dating right, which is you are trying to decide whether you actually like someone because it's not that easy to like people. So the fact that it's few and far between is a good thing. You should be, that's a good sign that you're dating in a positive way. You just have to be a little patient. The only thing you don't want to do is say,

well, you know, I haven't found someone in three months. So that means this other person is really special. Maybe there is some guy you liked for a couple months and he was good and you liked a lot of things about him and you definitely felt something, but there lot of things about him and you definitely felt something but there are other things about him you didn't like you know you didn't like how you made you feel bad for like doing something you shouldn't have felt bad to do like i really don't like that he did that to be totally honest you know because like if you date and you don't want

to have expectations and boundaries and it's a fair game and you can get disappointed and frustrated you can be like yeah that really annoyed me you know like when me and my girlfriend when we were not together and we were casually dating and and open about what we were doing and just being honest like there were definitely times i was triggered by that it was i it was very important for me to make sure that i communicate well if i if she asked if I was bothered by it, that I wanted to communicate that I'm bothered by the situation, but make like, you didn't do anything wrong. It was important to me. It was important for me to make sure that she understood that I didn't feel that way. And it sounds like he did the opposite, which is like, he's like, just so you know, that's the reason

why, like, what are you supposed to do with that information? That's kind of mean. And I remember you said, you said that on an earlier episode about you and your girlfriend and you're like he's you're like this is how i dealt with it and like yeah i was upset but it wasn't her fault and i remember like that spoke to me when you said that because i was like oh like that seems like the right way to handle it well i mean he is 22 so i don't know if i would And neither of us had been in a relationship before. Yeah. Like both of us have no idea what we're doing. So.

I would, I do cut him some slack because he's a little younger. It doesn't make it okay. But I don't know if 22 year old me would think the way that I think now. If things progress, you should bring that up. Okay. But my gut tells me you don't really need closure from him. And maybe he's not worth this extra effort. I think you might be right. Yeah. So I don't think there's a wrong answer. Maybe you reach out to him to see where it goes

and see this as kind of experimental and go in there with a mindset of like, yeah, this is probably not going to go the way I want. And if it doesn't, again, I'm going to get clarity and I'm probably elevating what he means to me because I have been dating and I haven't been, you know, I've gone on a series of bunch of boring to bad dates and that has made me miss him a little bit more, but that doesn't actually make him special. It's more about what I'm experiencing and less of what has to do with him. So you go in there and maybe you just try to see what it feels like to really put yourself out there.

And instead of kind of saying something, you actually say the thing that you want to say. You just try it. Because even if you get the answer you want, if he's like, I love you, let's date. Like, who knows? We don't know if this is your person. You're both 22.

Chances are you're both going to make more mistakes. You're both going to like change as people and you might change together. You might change apart. You know, we don't really know. So be adventurous and try things out and see. But just before you go into any of the situations, set your expectations with yourself, set the boundaries. What do you, what do I want to accomplish from this conversation? What do I really want? You need to have some of those questions answered. You know, the we'll see, or I just want to check in, you know, we'll tell ourselves these things. And then we don't really have a plan to what we want to accomplish out of these very kind of nerve wracking conversations.

And then we just, and then we'll say yes to things and we'll agree to things that we don't really want to agree to things. Or then we'll forget to say the important things. So kind of go in with like what you really want to talk about, be vulnerable, put yourself out there. It'll be nerve wracking. It'll be scary. But when it is done, no matter what happens, I think you'll feel a little bit liberated and kind of an adrenaline rush of like, wow, that was kind of nuts. And maybe it won't go your way. But I think you might be proud of yourself for really giving it a shot. Yeah, that's a good take. So just have an adventurous mindset. And I feel like at this point, it's like, what do I have to lose? Especially if I'm preparing myself ahead of time, like you said.

So yeah, because it's not so much about what he says. It's about your ability to say what you want to get out so that you can stop asking yourself the questions of what if and should I have tried more or should I have said this? Get everything out and see if it makes a difference and then reevaluate. All right. Well, keep us posted. I want to know what you decide. Yeah, I definitely will. Also, I just want to say I've been listening to your podcast like forever, like probably

since it started. And you've made like a huge impact on me and my friends. We have like a what would Nick say wall. Like it's like a whole thing. So I just want to thank you. I really appreciate it. Well, if you guys decide to get the book and do a book club let me know i'll join a zoom okay sounds great all right

all right take care thanks so much all right thank you bye-bye thanks for listening don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatcastme.com cast with a k don't forget to pick up your copy of don't text your ex happy birthday for yourself or a friend struggling with relationships or dating. Katie Maloney on Thursday. Check out our freestyle episode, All Things Pop Culture and Callers on Wednesday. See you then.