The Viall Files - E513 Ask Nick - Blindsided Into Meeting Dad’s Mistress

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

Welcome back to another juicy and exciting episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re here once again, to bring on our callers and help them navigate the crazy world of dating. We start things off before our callers by talking about a romantic Hanukkah Party, if ranch is good, and how Amanda practiced woodworking as a child. First, we speak with someone who was blindsided into meeting her dad’s mistress at Thanksgiving and is wondering how to break a toxic cycle she has with her dad. Then, we speak with our caller whose sister is dating our caller’s old hookup from a few years ago. Now that he’s coming to family functions and causing tension between our caller and her current boyfriend, our caller wonders what to do. The more the story unfolds, the more our caller realizes it’s simply a matter of trust and jealousy and that she really needs to put her foot down. Finally, we speak with a caller who is in a nonsexual situationship with her roommate's brother. They’ve gone on a date, and really like each other, but he seems to have pulled back in their communication after having spoken with his sister. She’s wondering if how she is communicating with him is needy behavior and whether or not she’s already gotten the answer she thinks she’s looking for.  “It’s your job to trust me.” If you are interested in running a book club in your city, send an email to: [e-mail]  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: ShipStation: Get a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com/viall. Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show!  Helix Sleep: Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to http://www.HelixSleep.com/viall. With Helix, better sleep starts now. Total Wireless: Total by Verizon is available at http://www.TotalByVerizon.com and at retailers nationwide. Storyworth: With StoryWorth I am giving those I love most a thoughtful, personal gift from the heart and preserving their memories and stories for years to come. Go to http://www.StoryWorth.com/viall and save $10 on your first purchase! Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You can listen to The Vow Files ad-free on Amazon Music. You plan on talking from a distance or? Usually when you're like, what's going on? Oh, I see. I have a ritual. You know how people take their free throws and do their thing? Did you have that in volleyball? Because I definitely did.

Oh, absolutely. Oh, my God. I was like. All right. You don't care about your volleyball. You don't care about my volleyball you don't care about my people were surprised that i played volleyball they said one person was like i imagined her as being five feet tall and i honestly took it as a compliment it's like you think i'm little so you think i'm

skinny all right here we go All right. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of The Vile Files. I'm Nick, joined by Ali and Amanda. And this is Ask Nick. Hope you're all doing well. What's going on? Okay. What? I have news and I purposely didn't tell Amanda this because I wanted her live reaction on the show. Amanda? Yes? Over the weekend I went to a Hanukkah party. Oh! And I met a man

who asked me out on a date. Mazel tov, Ali. Thank you. That's my update. A Jewish man. I guess so. I didn't ask, but I'm assuming so. Okay.

You're not Jewish, and you were there. Correct. How did the Hanukkah party go? It was good. I bonded mostly with the host's father. His name was Avi. Is he the one who asked you on the date? No.

But I did give him my number because he has a beach volleyball league, and thought that I would be a good fit. Avi? Okay. So where did you meet Avi? Avi was sitting on the couch at the party and I was sitting on the ledge of the couch and he was like, please don't do that. Come sit here. What do you do? Tell me about yourself. You were sitting on the couch improperly? I guess, according to Avi. But he loved my approach. He was asking me if I was there with anyone. I was saying no. He was asking me about my dating life, what I did. I was telling him. He was asking me what the longest relationship I'd had.

Who is Avi and why are we talking more about Avi? I don't know. We're painting a picture. I was sitting on the couch with Avi. We're going back and forth. He's asking me relationship advice on marriage because he hears I work on a relationship podcast. The other guy was sitting there just watching Avi and I. Like's asking me like relationship advice on marriage because he hears I work on a relationship podcast. And this the other guy was sitting there just watching

Avi and I. Like a ping pong match. Yes. And I think that's what sealed the deal. The other guy asked you out. Yeah. Well, typically, I mean, like we were definitely had vibes. So I was, I always shoot my shot. The other guy who was watching you? Yeah. Like later on in the party as we're moving around. So I was like, we

definitely have vibes and I'm never shy about giving someone my number or getting their number. So I was going to do that. But then he ended up being like, well, I should get your number, blah, blah, blah. I don't think we give you enough credit for that. We just being like a general. Oh, I'm not afraid to shoot my shot.

Like you're. It's we. You. Thanks, Amanda. You have her enough credit for what? Just in terms of like, like being an adventurous dater. Like I think it is very, shooting your shot is so hard in person.

Oh my God. One time I was at a party. I was unaware that she does this. Oh my God. She said it before. I DM people. I give out my number. One time I was at a party.

I thought someone was cute. He was talking with another girl. So I just walked straight up to him and I said, are you going to help me win the bet with my friends? And he said, what's that bet? And I said. Sounds like a do you want to shut the title? And then he said, what's that bet? And I said, do you want to shout the title? And then he said, what's the bet?

And I said that you kiss me. And then we kissed. And I said, sorry, my Uber is here. And then I left. Wow. Hot and fun. So, OK, so this guy. So he got your number.

Did he say, let's go on a date? Or did he say, I should get your number? He got my number. We texted a little bit. And then he was asking me who I was at the party with. We were talking about mutual friends and whatever. And then he was saying,, you know, who I was at the party with. We were talking about like mutual friends and whatever. And then he was saying, oh yeah, they seem great and super friendly. And then he was like, but my question isn't for them, Allison. It's for you. Okay. So he's like, when are you going to be hungry next? And if so, can I take you to dinner when that

happens? And I was like, well, I think I'll be hungry on Wednesday. If that works with your dietary needs. And he said, I'll avoid snacks. I'm hungry now. hungry now i think that what do you that sounds so sweet so dinner i get a whole meal of food i'm not sure and he's planning ahead of time he picked the place it's 0.3 miles from my apartment can you say walking what kind of um cuisine i've not looked what do you know about him not too much okay we're gonna figure it out i feel like it's hard in like a party scenario and also i didn't know a single person at that party so i wasn't like the best how'd you get invited listener i third wheel i third wheel married couple so typically when they get invited to

parties they ask can we have a plus one and they get a response of you're married and they say it's for our child we did the same thing thing for Halloween. Works out pretty well. Child. Yeah. The idea of like, how did you end up at this party? We're grooming one woman for our throuple. I do. I wish there was more throuple visibility and culture.

Why? You're not a throuple. Can I just say it clear? I know you're not. Why? Sell me on a throuple. In thinking about the balance between like working life and family life i'm like could be freaking awesome to have a third

person who could like help with like care task and child like sure i'm just like curious or a assistant or yeah just hire someone i mean if you're one. I'm not in a throuple. Great for anyone. But I. Imagine that's how you like soft launched. I've yet to see the value, but I could be. I'd love for someone to advocate for it. So I think the value is, and I've seen two women on TikTok that do this. They are best friends and they kind of co-parent in that way.

Like their kids go to the same school. And so like you pick up the boys and i'll take the girls to dance and whatever and so they kind of split their kids in a way share a dad no but they're just like two best friends they have their own partnerships but they have separate husbands yes how is this a throuple no i'm not i'm saying there's a value in having a close enough friendship that you can like share that stuff doesn't have to be sexual how do we go from how do we go from thruple to being like you know what it's nice to have a close friend with similar interests can be isolating get someone else on your team okay so so like what every mom at a playground am i should i should i presume they might be in a thruple

who's like talking to another mom and keep keep things interesting. Are you guys dating? Are you in love? I mean, not each other, but the same guy. It's funny that you say that. You met a Jewish, maybe Jewish man at a Hanukkah party. Yeah. Because I actually have a friend, I was talking to a friend from improv, and he's been like hanging-

From our improv or a different improv? Different improv. He's been hanging out with this girl for so long at one point they were kind of dating and then she just has some like history around like physical stuff where she's like that's just like really something she doesn't want to engage in so she was kind of like slow the roll like let's not date and so they weren't dating but then they started hanging out constantly and now they do that thing where they hang out all the time they see movies together like but they never but they have no like physical contact and they're

not dating are they just friends no well it's like it's it's like sort technically but like it's not a friendship either of them treats normally in my opinion like he took her to the wedding he took her to the wedding they're not dating they're not friends it's like it's like very ambiguous but i was who is this this is one of my friends from improv and he's a very nice just the girl that was like way out of the way and you had to go pick her up on the way to the wedding. No, no, that was that was a different girl. She rocked. But she lived in Seal Beach. talking to my friend about it i didn't he was like i mean like just hanging out with her like he really likes her and sees so much value in her and i think he's getting to the point where he realizes like this is not a sustainable situation but he was just like i don't he was like i told her like we don't have to have any kind of physicality like i just like you and i like want to be with you in whatever capacity like feels comfortable to you and i think she's kind

of you know navigating her own stuff which is valid and fair, but like also kind of- Do you know who this girl is? Yeah, I met her at the wedding. What did this have to do with meeting a Jewish guy? Because I, because listening to him talk, I was like, oh my God, I thought there was a chance that like you and him might really get along. I think you would either love or hate each other. That's fun.

You guys are improv. Yes, I showed him your Instagram and he was like, I would absolutely go on a date with her. Why? And he's just not getting any from this non-friendship. She's like, I know someone who's easy. She's not physically attracted to him. No, no.

It's like he's just in this tough situation that I think is like where he's accepting a lot less than he wants. And it's not that he wants physicality. He just wants like some kind of like label and like acknowledgement of like the kind of like dynamic that they have and the commitment he has to her. Yeah. Right. And he's finally getting to where he's like, okay, like this is kind of like this is not

emotionally sustainable. But I just thought the way he handled it was so respectful. Did I see his Instagram? Yeah. What's fair is fair. He's also like got a got a great TikTok following. Oh, not, a celebrity. Okay.

Okay, something that has been weighing heavy on my heart and mouth is the dynamic and expectations surrounding sharing food with partners. Because I feel like partners think, especially men, new girl never did this, I feel like carte blanche to just eat whatever they want off my plate. And I am fine sharing. Is this making dinner, out to eat at a restaurant, both?

Both. Well, mostly out to eat at a restaurant. But the thing that bothers me is that I will say to my boyfriend, I will be like, I am more than happy to make you a bowl of what I'm eating. Like I got an acai bowl. I was like, do you want one?

He said no. I come over. He has a bowl. He's like, oh, it's good. I was like, do you want me to put some in a bowl for you? He said no. And instead he would just take bites. And it drove me crazy because I – it's a careful navigation.

Acai bowls are different. This is not a soup. There's certain things. There's layers. Yes. There's components. Soup bowls are different. This is not a soup. There's certain things. There's layers. Yes. There's components. Soup, I wouldn't want to share soup. Yeah, but that's all one thing.

There's not like toppings. Acai is a navigation. Natalie and I share a lot. We share a beverage. We drink out of the same cup for dinner usually. Are you okay? What kind of beverage? Like water?

Do you need more dishwasher alcohol or soft drink why does it matter it matters water water or this vitamin c drink that's currently sold out which but water essentially water it's like a big gulp and we just usually often share it it's like a community cup absolutely not absolutely i like it no i no i don't think it's normal but i don't think it's like we just. No. I don't think it's normal, but I don't think it's weird. We just started doing it. I don't know. It's not like when we eat at home, we do that. It's just like-

You don't go to a restaurant and you're like, one glass, please. No, but usually when we go to a restaurant, we will order together often. See, I love collaborating. What do you mean order together? Like two things and split them? Yeah. Yeah. Makes sense. All the time. We almost I love collaborating. What do you mean ordered together? Like two things and split them? Yeah. All the time. We almost always do that. Do you get an extra plate or you just go at it? We just kind of go at it. We have very

similar palates, which is nice. Except that she loves ranch and everything. And I can't stand it. But that's her journey. You don't like ranch, mayo? I feel like they're kind of similar. Ranch is bad. In my opinion. I think ranch, if you don't enjoy it when you're a kid, you lose the window.

Maybe there's some late-in-life ranch lovers out there, but I feel like- You are a late-in-life ranch lover. Comment down below. They have to get you young, so to speak. Yeah, I think they have to brainwash you young. It's not brainwashing. It's like learning how to like ranch and learning a new language. And piano.

I did take piano lessons and didn't do well in that either. Oh, do you play any musical instruments? No. I took violin for a while. Hey, yo. Violin's difficult and it sounds brutal

until you figure it out. I got progressively worse. Oh. That's fun. I really just, yeah. Do you play instruments? No. Really? I find that surprising. Yeah. That's fun. I really just, yeah. Did you play instruments? No, not really.

I find that surprising. She was athlete. She was an athletic woman. Yeah. Too busy, too busy doing improv in eighth grade. I did woodworking.

That's fun. Yeah. Wood, woodworking. I did woodworking as a child after school. Various,ious sort of.

Bird houses. Bowl, spoons. That's out of wood? Yeah. It's not pottery? No, no, no, out of wood. How do you make a bowl out of wood? Do you still woodwork?

No. I would love to, though. I think I would be very bad. What's the coolest thing you've ever made? I did this when I was young. How do you make a round object out of wood? You actually,

it's really cool the way you have to heat it up and like bend it. They let a child do that? My parents, my parents like favorite like comment they've ever received

on a school report is the wood shop teacher at school wrote, Amanda hammers with authority. And my parents like have never. Not much has changed. Been more proud.

Yeah. I've never seen her hammer. It's with authority. And my parents, like I've never... Not much has changed. Been more proud. Yeah. I've never seen her hammer. It's with authority. The most wonderful time of the year is also the most hectic time of year and everyone puts off

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is coming home and sleeping in my bed. You love your bed. I do. He talks about it not in ads. He loves his bed. It's so good. I'm reminded every time. It's incredible. I don't know really, he talks about it, not in ads. He loves his bed. It's so good. I'm reminded every time. It's incredible.

I don't know how I slept without my Helix mattress. And like I said, I've always prided myself on being the guy who could sleep on anything. You know, like, whatevs. As long as it's a mattress, I'll be fine. And it's still kind of true. But boy, do I really enjoy sleeping in my own bed. I never thought that before. It's just truly special.

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and your favorite podcast hosts. So Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash v-i-a-l-l with helix better sleep starts now hold on to your kilts dearies peacock original the traitors is back with a new season of strategy betrayal sabotage and murder this killer season features an all-new celebrity cast that vulture hailed as reality royalty, living in a Scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition. We're talking fierce competitors, reality stars, and public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize. This season's cutthroat missions are next level,

just like whatever Alan Cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe. One thing is for sure, these 21 players will do anything to avoid a plot in Allen's graveyard. Find out why critics and audiences alike are raving about the Emmy award-winning series. The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession. We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. With a blind-off in his black card, you don't just get a great workout, you get a great burk out because your membership is episode of Traders Now, only on Peacock. a judgment-free zone. Relax in the Black Card Spa and more. Work out and perk out with the Planet Fitness Black Card. Get started for zero down and $29.99 a month, plus $49 annual fee. Offer ends March 15th. All right, what else? Housekeeping. Why don't you guys handle some stuff? Don't text

your ex happy birthday. Book clubs. If you've read the book, if you haven't read the book, if you're just looking to meet other people in your area, friends, if you want to brave the dating world together, if you're just looking for any sort of community, please join your local book club. Go to our Instagram. It's under one of the little story highlights, all of the links to the different Facebook groups. And if you're in one of the Facebook groups, please participate. Please respond to your manager's posts and questions. They're trying to build communities, keep them active. And Nick is willing to jump on Zoom and meet you guys. So make sure to join

your local book club. Yeah, you should set that up. Well, I'm waiting on the managers. They're waiting on a big enough interest. Isn't there like a from the office? How big do they want it to be? You're the regional manager. No, they're like from the office. How big do they want it to be? You're the regional manager. No, they're regional managers.

Regional to the, regional to, assistant to the regional manager. I would say you're the president. I've not seen the office, but I accept the presidency. I think you're COO. Breakup song of the week.

Shout out. This is, yeah, I'm just going to read it because it was a great message. We love good messages. The song is Norman fucking Rockwell by our girl Lana Del Rey. Thank you very much to the lovely person who submitted this. The lyrics that they highlighted are goddamn man child.

You fucked me so good that I almost said I love you. More like even said I love you. You're fun and you're wild, but you don't know half of the shit you I love you. You're fun and you're wild but you don't know half of the shit you put me through. And it's funny because like Lana Del Rey lyrics

when she says it it's always like the shit you put me through and then you say it aloud and you're like you don't know the shit you put me through. Have you ever been

fucked so well you almost said I love you? Oh yeah. Is that a human experience? Uh yeah. Yeah. I feel like yeah. you're missing out clearly

date let's see how the date goes you know but um the message that they wrote are i think the lyrics are amazing especially the man child part and the you don't know half the shit you put me through because he really doesn't know most of the shit he put me through and he'll never understand what he put me through he might think he broke my, but he will never truly know how it felt to be so disrespected by the person you have so much love for. Also, I think the lyric should have been, because you're just a boy and not a man, because I think he is not a man, because a man would have stood his ground and treated you with honesty and respect even if you didn't feel the same anymore. I think this song is something you would want to say to them so badly one last time. I used to shout this song throughout my breakup because it's just amazing.

It represents the disappointment. Great. So how's our list going? Do we have like a Spotify playlist? Oh, yeah, it's good. It's good. Oh, yeah, that's a great point. You can find the Spotify playlist.

It's also a highlight. There's a little broken heart. No, there's a music note. Music note. What's it called? What's the playlist called? Vi-Fi Breakup Song of the Week. Okay.

Working title. That's fine. The Untitled Vi-Fi Breakup Project. Yeah, we will accept name ideas for the Breakup Song of the Week playlist. And for future submissions, if you want to be shouted out on air, just include that. This isn't yours, is it? I just searched for it. Someone has a playlist

called Nick Vial Heartbreak Playlist. Yeah, no, that's... Wait, scroll up. What's that photo of him? That's something I did with... That looks like a domestic portrait. Like, you know, like when you learn about...

Is that Natalie's hand? What? Whose hand is that? Let me see. Mine? Right there. No, someone with... It looks like a genre painting

From the renaissance With a red nail holding a cup out in the corner Why do they have that picture up there? That's definitely Natalie That's fun In the Williamsburg Hotel All right We have a great episode for you

Let's get to our callers. How's it going? Hi, my name is Amber and I am 19 and I was blindsided into meeting my dad's mistress on Thanksgiving. Oh, okay. Well, here we go. Blindsided into meeting your dad's mistress. Thanksgiving. Oh, okay. Well, here we go. Blindsided into meeting your dad's mistress. So are your parents still married? No. So they are divorced now. So now she's his girlfriend. Okay. But I had never met her. You had never met her. And you call her your dad's mistress because was something going on while your parents were married? Yeah. So for a little context, during the pandemic, we thought my dad was working remotely, like taking conference calls from his car.

Turns out he was having an affair. This all kind of came out in the pandemic. My parents got divorced. And since then, I have never met her. They live together now. But I had made it pretty clear I did not want to meet her. And I, at the very least, wasn't ready to meet her. They live together now, but I had made it pretty clear I did not want to meet her. And I, at the very least, wasn't ready to meet her. I thought that I was going to his family's house just for Thanksgiving dessert. And I walked in and there she was.

And how'd that go? It was just really jarring. So my sister, I have two older siblings. My sister has pretty good relationship with my dad and has met this woman and didn't seem surprised that she was there. I had been under the assumption she wasn't going to be there. My brother had declined the invitation to go because he does not spend any time with my dad's family. And I usually only spend time with his family when I know that this woman isn't going to be there. I mean, I met her and it was as fine as it could have gone. She was gracious and it was just kind of awkward. His whole family was right there. So it was not great. But my problem is kind of, I don't really know where to go from here because I know that it wasn't

intentional on his part. It was a misunderstanding that he, for some reason, thought I knew she'd be there. You believe that? Yeah. I do think that it wasn't intentional, but it still makes it really difficult. Yeah. So what is your question? What do you need help figuring it out? So what is your question? What do you need help figuring it out? I don't have any real trust in my dad anymore because usually it feels like this is a cycle. This is a pivotal point in a cycle we have where it'll feel like we're kind of having a good run of things and then he'll do something like this. And it'll feel really emotionally jarring, really confusing. And then we'll talk about it and he'll say, I'll do better. And then it just kind of keeps happening. So my question is,

how do I break this cycle? And what do you mean, how do you break this cycle with him? Is there a way to communicate with him where I guess it wouldn't feel like he constantly doesn't tell me things. Yeah. I mean, listen, it's a challenge because in this dynamic, you're the child and he's the adult. I mean, you're an adult too, but so there's a weird dynamic. It's very weird. Right. And in this particular situation, you probably feel like you're acting more like the adult than he is.

probably feel like you're acting more like the adult than he is. Yeah. He, um, he has issues with accountability and taking responsibility. So a lot of the time, like when I brought this up to him and cause I did tell him after I was like, I didn't know she was going to be here. This was kind of a lot. And he was like, what do you mean? You didn't know? Well, I told your siblings and it was very much like, he was just kind of in shock too. But then he apologized, but he had said to the extent that you were uneasy, I apologize. Okay, that's a start. That doesn't feel super empathetic. So it feels a lot of the time like it's hard to have real communication.

Yeah. Not to cut your dad much slack because he's a cheater and a liar. I don't think it's easy for parents to apologize to their kids, just in general. Yeah, I'd agree with that. And he and I didn't have a great relationship before this, so it's kind of been rocky. Yeah. It's tough, right? Because so much of this is out of your control.

It really comes down to what your dad is willing to do. I think you have to just try to be as consistent with your communication and boundaries as you can be with him and your expectations. So first, one-on-one with your dad as much as you can. Because now that you're an adult, you have to establish your own relationship with your dad and your brother and your sisters also have to establish their own relationship with your dad you know what i'm saying like i think as kids you kind of like together have a relationship with mom and dad and as adults i think you kind of form your own individual relationship so maybe get ask your dad if he wants to get together for like a cup of coffee

or dinner or something one-on-one and communicate with him and just say, listen, assuming this is true, but my goal is to have a relationship with you, dad. I know we haven't always had the best one, but I would like to have some relationship with you and I'd like it to be a healthy one. So that's first my expectation, you know, also my hope, you know, it's more of a hope, I guess, than expectation. But my expectation of how to do that is I just want us to be able to communicate and be upfront. And I'm asking you in the future to just communicate to me directly rather than assume I'm going to find out through my brother or sister. So that's a simple expectation you

can communicate to your dad and he should be able to honor that. It's like, okay, great. I'll communicate to you directly if there's anything I think you might want to know. I won't assume someone else is going to tell you. And then you tell them the things that you would like to know. I want you to be like, listen, I don't like that you did what you did to mom. It's uncomfortable to me that you are with the person that you cheated on with mom. I have to like accept that and deal with it. You're ultimately going to be with who you're going to be with. But like, I would love for you to respect the fact that it's difficult for me to just kind of enjoy being around you too, because it's still raw and I'm still protective of my mom. I understand that you've moved on, but I just hope that you can respect that.

You kind of speak in that language. See what he says about that. I think it would go a long way as long as you seem to be willing to let him do what he wants ultimately, which sounds like you are. I mean, you don't have to love it, but you're willing to like deal with it, so to speak. But I would tell him it's more important to me right now to build a relationship with you because we haven't always had the strongest relationship. And I'd like that.

In order to do that, I need you to try to focus on making that a priority without expecting me, at least right now, to build a relationship with her? I don't think that he wants, I don't think he expects me to have a relationship with her. It's just really hard because it feels like I can't get close to him because a lot of the time he will, like I said, it'll kind of be the cycle of, hey, can you communicate this better? Can you tell me this? And then it'll be like, oops, I forgot. And so it's like, well, it's hard for me to trust that I'm getting all

the information. So it's kind of, I don't even think he meant for me to have this meeting with her, but it was frustrating that it wasn't a conversation. Well, you need to ask him to make it a priority because I don't, maybe he did forget, maybe he's lying. I don't know, but it wasn't a priority for him to make sure that you knew. And maybe you didn't communicate that expectation. But what I'm saying is going like, I think you should try to over communicate with your dad. You kind of have to be the grown up in this almost, you know?

Yeah. And that sucks. But also, you'll probably learn a lot. It'll be you'll hopefully, you know, learn all the things you don't want to do in a relationship. And this will be good at teaching you how to communicate with future partners, especially around awkward situations, for sure. It's good practice. So I think you should just try to over-communicate your hopes and expectations with your dad of the type of relationship and the type of communication style you'd like to have with him. And see if A, he's at least even interested in

saying that. And then B, see if he does that. And just say, for now, I'm going to set a boundary around like, I don't want to really spend a lot of time with her. I don't want to spend any time with her. Maybe that's your boundary. When I'm building my relationship with you, I just want it to be you and I. And maybe we can carve out some time if that's an interest of you. But I'd like for you to make our relationship a priority. Maybe even ask him that. Even ask him, is it a priority for you to have a relationship with me? You should literally ask him that question. I don't know if a lot of kids are asking their parents that question. I mean, he's told me it is.

He's told me I've been the one who's been more resistant to it, to having a close relationship with him, because we weren't close before everything kind of blew up. And then now that I'm getting older too, it's like, hmm, you know, when you get older, you see qualities in your parents that you don't recognize when you're younger. And so it's like, oh, that's not great. So it's kind of, it's hard to, I guess, form that relationship when I can't trust him in that sense. Have you told him that? No, I don't think I have.

Yeah, I mean, what do you have to lose? I mean, I think you seem like a really nice, delightful person. I feel like you can communicate, be direct, and just be like, I want to have a relationship with you, but I want to respect you too. Oh, that's good. You know? Yeah.

And I understand people make mistakes. If you weren't happy with mom, fine. But like, I want to respect you and that I want you to be honest and I want you to be upfront and I want you to communicate and I want you to do, I want you to handle yourself differently because you, like you did, you, you violated my trust in you. And I want to build that back. I want to believe in you, dad. You have to violated my trust in you. And I want to build that back. I want to believe in you, dad. You have to help me believe in you. So give him a little hope by saying that you want to believe in him.

It must be hard. Like I can imagine having a child and having them say something like that to me. If that doesn't like want him to hold himself accountable, I don't, I don't, nothing will. Yeah. His 19 year old daughter very maturely says, I want a relationship with you, but I want to be able to respect you.

I want you to be an example of the type of person you want me to be. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Say that to him. Oh,

I like that. Write that down. Try to like have one-on-one conversations with your dad and just be willing to be very communicative and very upfront about your expectations and see be willing to be very communicative and very

upfront about your expectations and see if he respects it. If he doesn't, then I think you just say, hey, dad, I've tried and I'll always try. I'll give you probably way more chances than you'll ever deserve. But what I won't do is X, Y, or Z. you know, like these are my boundaries. And if you want to, if it is a priority for you to have a relationship with me, I need you to respect that. And when you don't, I'm going to pull away. That's really helpful. I've never put it in such clear terms like that. Yeah. Try that. And I think you will really impress him. I hope so. I mean, he's my dad, you know, like I want to have that good relationship. Of course. Yeah. And, you know, and like you said, you're going to, your parents,

parents are just, they're super flawed people that we, we saw as gods when we were kids. And it's like a, you know, you're at this time in your life where you're, you're realizing that, but it doesn't like, it doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with your parents. You just, it's a different relationship. You see it differently, but you will, I love that you are trying to have a relationship with your dad despite him being a very imperfect man because you only have one dad and you only have one mom. And I think it's important to have these relationships as much as you can. But you now get to dictate the terms of this relationship unlike when you were as a child. Yeah. All right. All right. Well, thank you so much. That was really helpful.

Well, good luck. Keep us posted. I'd love to know how this goes and yeah, good luck. Thank you so much. And I also just want to say, I love Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday. It has been extremely helpful and I'm recommending it to all of my friends. I really appreciate that. And I think some of it can apply to like these conversations with your dad, especially talking about expectations and boundaries and things like that. And just, it's real simple. Like this is what I need from you to have a relationship with me. You know, again, a lot of it is the same, same type of conversations you're eventually going to have with future partners. You know, it's like, Hey, if you want to be with me, this is what you need to do. And if you don't want to do it, it's fine.

But I'm going to pull away. All right? Thank you so much. All right, take care. Thank you as well. Good luck. Thank you. All right, bye-bye.

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W-O-R-T-H dot com slash V-I-A-L-L to save $10 off your first purchase. How's it going? I'm good. My name's Rachel. I'm 25 years old. I've been dating my boyfriend for three years now. But we've been having issues recently because my oldest sister has been dating this guy I previously hooked up with six years ago. Ooh.

Fun. This guy I previously hooked up with six years ago. Oh, fun. The issue is, is that he has been spending a lot of time with my family and it makes him really uncomfortable. It's kind of come to the point that he doesn't want to come to any family functions or holidays because this guy is there. Okay. Interesting. All right.

So how long have you been dating your current boyfriend? Three years. Three there. Okay. Interesting. All right. So how long have you been dating your current boyfriend? Three years. Three years. Okay. How old is your current boyfriend? 28. 28. Okay. And how long has your sister been dating this other guy? So they became friends a year ago and they kind of were seeing each other a year ago, but they just started dating like a few months ago. Okay. And I'm assuming your sister knows that you guys hooked up. Yeah. Okay. And did you tell your boyfriend, like, how did you tell your boyfriend about this? I met the guy that my sister's dating. Let's call him John. I met him working at a seasonal restaurant. I've known him for eight years. I've known him for a long time. We just hooked up, like drunkly hooked up a few years, like six years ago. And I told him when we

first started dating that I hooked up with this guy because I met my boyfriend working at the same restaurant. The three of us have worked together before him and I even started dating. So everything was out in the open three years ago when we first started dating and it was never an issue until now. Wait, so your current boyfriend, before he was your boyfriend, knew you hooked up with this other guy? Yeah. And then you guys became boyfriend and girlfriend. Two and a half, three years passed and then your sister coincidentally just happens to meet this guy, they start dating and now he's all bent out of shape about it and refusing to go to like holiday gatherings.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, pretty much. Okay. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, like it's weird because they knew each other previously and it was never a problem. Sure. And he's been vocal about his uncomfortability with it because he thinks that John has ill intentions and feels as if that he's with my sister to get to me. I mean, your boyfriend can have whatever conspiracy theories he has about like, oh, he's doing this to get to you. Like, I would ask it. My response to him would be like, well, how dumb or how vulnerable do you think I am? You know what I'm saying? Like, he's implying that like he has this like master plan that at the end of the day, if it works, you will be powerless to somehow avoid his like Machiavellian yeah his advances I guess towards

you and it's just it's just even like this is what also just drives me up a wall is that he's vocal to me that it's a problem but when it comes to face-to-face interaction with this guy, it does not like me and John still work at the seasonal restaurant. Right. My boyfriend comes in to visit instead of saying, Hey, I'm going to sit in your section because I want to come visit you. He brings his buddies in and sits at his bar and gets drinks and he gets like with john with john and they talk about sports and they have and and it's never a problem and then all of a sudden it's a totally different conversation behind closed doors yeah this is nuts uh what conversation specifically have you had with your boyfriend about this how have you tried to address this? I've said, I don't really understand why now this is becoming an issue when we've had this conversation previously. It is very evident to me

that he is solely dating my sister because he genuinely has feelings for my sister. He has not brought any ill intention. He gets along with my entire family, has built a friendship with my middle sister. He's gotten a great relationship with my mom. He spends a lot of time in our summer family home. I don't know if it's a jealousy factor or what it is. Did you say that to him? Yeah. I said the relationship is totally different.

What did he say? You have built a different relationship with my family in comparison than how he has built a relationship with my family. And my family is very open arms and wanting to, you know, spend time with my boyfriend and, you know, get to know him and, and has liked him over the years. And just now it's just become this division where my sisters are like, Oh, is it going to be okay that John's going to be around? Is it because of your boyfriend? Is it okay about this? And I just feel like there's just this separation between me and my family and now me and my boyfriend. Yeah. Well, there shouldn't be, right? Here's how I think you

need to take a kind of pretty hard line here, I think, with your boyfriend. My first question to your boyfriend would be like, very it's because it's real simple question do you trust me have you asked him that not like flat out like that no then i would i would i would sit him down and have this conversation and be like okay i want to talk about this because this is like we need to figure this out because this isn't the situation isn't changing so let's have a conversation and my question to you is do you trust me yes or no Yes or no? It's real simple. And hopefully he says yes. And if he says, okay, then if you trust me, then that means that you trust me. First of all, I'm going to be committed to you and you have nothing to worry about as it relates to him, regardless of what

he wants. And I don't care if he has a shrine up about me, it doesn't matter. I'm telling you, I'm not interested in him. Not to mention the fact that he's literally now dating my sister. Like what, why do you think I would even be entertaining something like that? Regardless of what he wants, your job is to trust me, not him. Your job is not to trust any other guy out here. Your job is to trust me. So if you say you trust me, like me, that immediately should resolve most of this. Right. Right? Second of all, if you really have a problem with this guy, if you really think

he has ill intentions with my sister, then why do you interact with him the way that you do? Because it comes across as disingenuous. Don't be fake around people that you claim to me to be ill intentions you really you think this guy hooking up with my sister and getting to know my family just so he can somehow have me in his life and then and then you come into work and like hang out with him so like listen if you actually feel that way then like act like it yeah because it's not like there's any other there's so many other places that he could go, but he solely comes to this restaurant. And I've said, I was like, well, why do you do that? And he goes, well, because that's just solely transactional.

No, that's bullshit. I think you need to calm out on his bullshit. He's just super insecure about it. It bugs him that a guy who fucked his girlfriend is now having, you know, spending Christmas in the family and it's just, it annoys him and he's insecure about it. That's, that's what's going on. And he's making up all these other bullshit excuses that have no truth behind it because he's insecure about it. So I think you should just challenge him on either you trust me or you don't. But what I can tell you is not going to happen. My family is not going to take sides. My family is not going to exclude someone because you can't handle it. You knew about this a long time ago. I want my sister to be happy. And I want someone who can trust me. a big deal and I want someone who's confident and trust me who believes in me and believes in us and like can get over these things and like I'm sorry that it's a little awkward and uncomfortable but like you can handle this I've given you no reason not to trust me and I think you instead of like

questioning his character and accusing him of things that you have no proof of maybe you should just try to accept it and deal with it and you know and if this is something you're insecure about it i'm happy to talk with you about it but like i think you're really going about this in an unhealthy way and i think you yeah i think you need to put your foot down and i think you should don't be mean and and certainly don't try to like i don't think you even need to defend this other John guy or whatever. You know what I'm saying? This is about do you trust me? And this is just like, you can't keep doing this.

Because again, I'm not going to not go to Christmas. I'm not going to avoid my family during the holidays because my sister's happy and you can't deal with it. had a conversation where I said, I personally don't understand why your hatred for this one person overpowers your love for me to be at something that really matters to me, including being around my family, because family is very important to me. And like, that's where I'm really struggling with this. What do you say? He said, I don't care. I'm not going to spend my time around somebody that I don't like. And we were at a local bar, my sisters and John were there. And then we were there with a big group of our friends. And I had to bounce between two groups. And eventually, our friends came over and he decided that he was just not gonna migrate over with the rest of the group he decided to stay he's he's being a fucking baby and i think

you treat a baby like a baby that's what i think i mean i just it's just a corner just i i mean this is i'm serious like he he's being a stubborn little baby, and he is going to try to see if he can get you to give him what he wants. He needs to know that you're not going to put up with this temper tantrum. So I just think you stop entertaining it. Do I just ignore him? Yeah. I mean, I think this is a potential deal breaker for you. Like, if this guy is being this petty

and he is being this untrusting of you and being this unwilling to work through a slightly awkward situation that has no real red flags for the sake of like harmony and peace for the family. And he's just like being, no, I don't care. Do you want that type of partner in your life going forward? Imagine further challenges and obstacles and awkward situations that any couple

might have to deal with. And he is just not willing to bend or negotiate on something that he's being unreasonable on. So I think you need to draw a hard line and get him to basically crawl back and ask for forgiveness once he realizes you're not going to put up with this bullshit. And I think once he realizes you're willing to walk away from this, if he can't grow up, I think there's a good chance he'll come around. And if not, then you thank God, you know, now. Yeah. It's just been a whirlwind of a situation. I didn't know know and we've been living together for two years yeah it sucks it's not it's like like i'm not i'm i'm here because like i really want this so it's not this isn't like a small little tip for me so that's why like you said like it

could generally be a deal breaker because my family isn't irreplaceable. Exactly. And he's just being unreasonable. Yeah. And I would, I would even understand if you don't like somebody and be uncomfortable and just be consistent. Yeah. He's a, he's being a hypocrite.

He's being a hypocrite, but it's like up and down with everything. And like one moment it's fine and you hate the guy. And then, and then the next minute you're talking about hey join my fantasy sports group and like he asked him to join his fantasy football league yeah he's being he's being yeah this guy's they they're in one together that's why i don't get it like it's just yeah this is so high school this is like i don't even know where to go here but

i think you have to put your foot down yeah i think he needs to believe that you are not willing to bend this is a game of chicken and i think you have right on your side he is justifying his insecurities by kind of and that's why he doesn't make sense because he's just grasping at straws he's just trying to find an argument that makes sense he just doesn't have one at the end of the day he's just grasping at straws. He's just trying to find an argument that makes sense. He just doesn't have one. At the end of the day, he's just like, the truth is I just hate that I'm spending Christmas

with a guy who fucked my girlfriend. Yeah. That's what he's thinking in his head. And he's just not, he's not man enough or mature enough, no offense, to deal with that. He feels, I don't know, emasculated or what, but like, and you've done that. That's something he needs to work on. He needs emasculated or what, but like, and you've done that. That's something he needs to

work on. He needs to like find the confidence because certainly it doesn't sound like anything you've done. No, I mean, I've been open from the beginning when we first started dating. So this isn't news, you know? I think you just lay it out. Hey, listen, I want to sit you down and talk to you about this. Just a reminder. I have been honest with you before we even started dating. I've always wanted to be open with you. I don't keep secrets. You know this happened. You dealt with it in the past.

Now my sister is dating him. She's happy. I have no reason not to believe him. And if you really thought he was that bad of a guy, he wouldn't be in your fantasy football league and you wouldn't be talking to him at the bar. And that's it. Do you hang around with people

that you think are low character? Because it sounds like you do. You're claiming that you hang out with people that are low character. You have bad character people in your fantasy football league. Oh, it's just a fantasy football league. Well, I don't, okay. Well, these are your friends.

These are people you're interacting with. I don't associate with people. If I think someone is low character, I don't give them the time of day. And do you trust me? Because if you trust me at the end of the day, then this shouldn't be an issue. And you're expecting my entire family to pivot because of your insecurity. And that's just not going to happen. So either you're going to have to learn to deal with this or you're not. I'm not going to happen. So either you're going to have to learn to deal with this or you're not. I'm not going to disassociate myself from my family. I'm not going to not spend the holidays with my family. You will lose 100% of the time when you put me up against my family for something they didn't do just because of something you're insecure about. And I'm sorry. And I'm sorry, this sounds so harsh, but you're being, I mean, maybe try to say this in a nicer way. But I do think you should be stern. And I do think, you know, you should not look like you're not going to bend the I don't care energy he's giving you. Like, I think it should be coming from you. And like, like, I think you should be willing to have the conversation and explain yourself because you can explain yourself. And that's why he can't explain himself.

That's why he's like, I don't care. I'm just not going to do it because he doesn't have an answer. And he doesn't want to say, I'm too insecure to deal with the fact that my girlfriend is spending Christmas with some guy she fucked. No, I completely agree. I definitely have not been stern enough. I know that for a fact. Yeah. He needs to believe that you will walk away because of this, if he can't get over it. Okay. And I think you should pay attention to these insecurities that

he has. And I think, I don't think you should ignore this. And you're living with this guy, you've been dating him for three years. Clearly you guys have talking about the future and the rest of your lives with each other. And I think this is potentially a big red flag. And these types of insecurities and jealousy, like don't go away. And maybe in a like more loving way to say, I want to work with this. You know, we can do couples therapy if you want, but like, this isn't healthy. I think you're dealing with a very awkward and maybe this is something you can actually say. It's like, I think you're dealing with a very awkward and difficult situation in a very unhealthy and toxic way. And it's affecting our relationship in a very serious way. And I want us to address it

because I'm not going to ignore this issue. It's not going away. And I need to know that you can deal with difficult situations in a much healthier way. Yeah, I know. I'm totally on that page for sure. I think he'll come around. He's very stubborn.

So that's why I've been having such a hard time. Yeah, he is stubborn and he's expecting you to bend. Yeah. And that's why he's doing what he's doing. But I'm 100% certain you would be making a big mistake for yourself in this relationship, especially if you stay in it and give in to his demands. No, I 100% agree. Yeah.

100%. Because I don't want to do that, especially when it comes to discretion of my family too. If you want him to come on this podcast with you and I will talk to him, I would love to. Okay. I will have to talk about it with him. But we'll see.

It'll be anonymous. It'll be great. I'd love to ask him some questions. Well, I'll definitely have to see if that'll be an option. I'm not 100% sure. But yeah, I mean, I wouldn't be opposed to it. I would love to hear it from his point of view. Yeah. If you think you're so right, come talk to this guy with me and see if you can answer some very basic questions. It'd be fun the good news is yeah you'll look great well i'm not worried about how i look but it's also like my relationship it also is like all the

questions that you've asked is my answers of how he's responded things aren't the most best responses it's like kind of embarrassing too you know yeah well i'll be a little gentler but i think he'll come around if i were his buddy i'd be like you need a man up and deal with this and the fact that you can't speaks more about you than anything else well it's funny because when he's i was like have you like talked to your guy friends like about this and he's like yeah they were they all agree with me and then when i I talked to them, they're like, yeah, we don't get it. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, well, why does it feel like everybody doesn't understand it? Because it's pretty well known in my friends, my family, where I work that he does not like him. It's very well known. So it's not a secret

because he chooses to show that that's his issue. I think you're dating a really insecure guy. It also is crazy to me because he never has come off that way previously. If I'm like, hey, I'm going out with a group of my work friends. Some are girls, some are guys. He'll be like, okay, yeah, sure, go ahead. I don't know. I don't know where it's coming from. But stop worrying about him being happy when it comes to the situations. That's been your kind of downfall.

Because not everyone's going to be happy about this. He needs to get disappointed first and then realizes he needs to deal with it and mature. Thank you so much. My pleasure. I really appreciate it. Let us know what ends up happening. Oh, I will. And let us know if he wants to come on here and hash it out.

Okay. All right. I'll have a talk with him. See where it goes. Good luck. Thank you so much. My pleasure. How's it going? Hi, how's it going? My name is Allison. I'm 30 years old and I am in a non-sexual situationship with my future roommate's brother. Fun. Yeah.

For us. Why is it a situationship? Why is it not sexual? Well, it's not sexual because I am Christian and I try to go about that in a little bit of a different way. I wait until things are much more serious before I enter anything sexual like that. But it is a situation ship because we are talking and have gone on a date. However, things have kind of fizzled out because of the sister situation. Okay. So your sister. Okay.

Yeah. Do you like him? I do really like him. Yeah. We actually met without knowing that he was her brother and we hit it off really well. Does she know? She knows. Yeah. She knows. What does she say? She loves it. She really wants us to date.

Yeah. Okay. Well, that's a concern you don't have to worry about. I mean, that was a potential obstacle. Yeah. I have her blessing. So from your point of view, what's stopping this from turning into something? Well, shortly after I told him, this was after our really incredible date where we hit it off magically and I was on cloud nine. I ended up telling him that she is going to move in with me. I chose her to move in with me and he acted okay about it. But since then, I noticed a significant pullback. Less texting.

He hasn't asked me on a second date. But he does still contact me. And some of these messages are very flirtatious. But I also know that he has gone on dates with other women. And we ended up finally talking about it yesterday. And he mentioned that it was because of his sister that he decided to pull back. But he seems very unsure about it. And I don't know how to give him more clarity or reassurance.

So how long has this been going on for? We met probably about three months ago now. But we didn't go on our first date until maybe three weeks ago. And you guys were just talking online? Yeah, lots of texting was occurring. We were just talking like online? We were just, yeah, lots of texting was occurring. We were just talking back and forth. I came to find out that he was actually already kind of talking to somebody else, which is why it felt mostly friendly at first. But once he decided to end that with her, then he asked me out on a date.

So it's not totally a situationship yet. You don't think? What makes it a situationship? I guess that's my real question because I didn't know how to categorize it's fine yeah i mean it ultimately doesn't really matter it just feels early you're not stuck in something like months down the line where no one's like someone's afraid of committing or won't yeah it's really complicated it's just very early if it ends today it was a guy you went on one date with and you chatted with about well i thought it was over because we didn't talk for five days and not to minimize your excitement or anything like that

or the situation but there's probably people listening who have like been like invested in the situation for like a year and a half and you know they know intimate things about each other's families and they've holidayed together and like they're hooking up and and and they're like well i just i'm not ready to be in a relationship. You know, one person's saying that. I guess in my head, I'm trying to figure out how to fix it before it fully crashes and burns. Do you think that's an excuse or do you think that's an honest reason?

Because it's a convenient excuse to say, yeah, I don't know, my home, my sister is going to be a roommate. That's just weird for me. That can easily just be an excuse. Maybe it's both. Maybe it's a little bit of a reason and That's just weird for me. That can easily just be an excuse. Maybe it's both. Maybe it's a little bit of a reason and a little bit of an excuse. You know, how much you seem like in a little bit, I've talked with you, like you seem like an intentional person. And I'm sure, I'm sure your Christian values play a role in that, you know, like.

Well, I'm 32. So I'm also trying to kind of find my person, you know like i'm 32 so i'm also trying to right yeah kind of find my person right so you're five years away from a geriatric pregnancy so sure enough that's what they file it as as long as you're 35 it's insane it's so dramatic and rude it's you know it seems unnecessary can't they just be like mild so there's some risks. Why don't we just have 35 plus? Why do we have to call it geriatric? That seems so much better. I know. It's just, it's a, it's a soul killer a little bit knowing that, but it's fine.

You brought it up and he was like, yeah, it's my sister. He asked me if I wanted to go to church with him. And I was very confused because what does that even mean? You know? So I go to his church with him, seemingly normal, we were bantering, having a great time. And then before I got out of the car, I asked him why he asked me to go to church with him. And he said, I really enjoy spending time with you and we haven't talked. So I really wanted to catch up. And then I brought it up. I said, okay, well, can we talk

about what's going on here? And he immediately got very nervous and uncomfortable. And he just mentioned that a few things happened, mostly being with his sister. And it made him reassess the situation. Like what? The night that I told him that I was moving in with his sister, we went downtown. And I saw him, he came into the bar. He was very excited to see me, hugged me, but he was with another group of people. He seemed happy to be around me, but also not very touchy or particularly flirty. And come to find out it was because one of the girls in his friend group, he had dated recently. And I didn't know that though. He left the bar.

He hadn't said goodbye. He claimed it was because he just needed to go say hi to a friend and couldn't get back into the bar. But that happens. That kind of upset me. So I didn't really text him much the next day. It's possible that that could have factored into it, but- How old is he? 31. Well, that's fine. Seems age appropriate. So this is a girl he used to date? He just had a situationship with her, but I don't know the extent of it.

Okay. So he felt like he was in an awkward situation and he acted awkwardly. Distant. Yeah. Yeah. And so, but not knowing why he was acting distant for two weeks, that left me wondering if it was that, if it was just a sister, what it could have been. So. I just feel like you hit him with some directness and I guess tough love.

I don't know, tough loves. But I think it's, you know, listen, you just say something like you're overcomplicating this. We went on one date, buddy. I've had a really nice time. I understand that I'm moving in with your sister. That offers some complications, but nothing that can't be fixed

with talking about some expectations and some boundaries around how we both handle that, like what we would share, you know. But more than that, like, we've also been on one date. But I do know that I've had a really good time with you, and I'd really like to get to know you more. And are you interested in doing that? And how about we agree to, like,

just keep checking in with each other? And how about we agree to just be honest about where we're at? Let's communicate how we're feeling. And I'll let you know when you might be oversharing. And I'll let you know when there's something that you might want to share that I'm not interested in hearing. But until then, can we agree to just over-communicate and be up with each other about where we're at, whether we agree to just over-communicate and be upfront with each other about where we're at, whether we're dating other people or each other? But I don't want to stop getting to know you because I think we're both mature enough to navigate this. I think that's what you should say to him. I think you should challenge him to be mature enough to handle this and not avoid getting to know each other just because

there might be some awkward landmines along the way. Yeah. After we talked about it, I texted him that night and I said, thank you so much for your honesty. I really appreciate knowing where you're at. I still really do enjoy talking to you and spending time with you. And he didn't respond until a day later. And he said something to the extent of, thank you. And he didn't respond until a day later. And he said something to the extent of, thank you. That's really sweet of you to say you're a really good communicator. And I said, thank you. I have a degree in communication. So, and then he stopped responding to me after that. So how do I restart a conversation? Should I be picking up on the cues? So he didn't

say anything about getting together with you again or no no he hasn't said anything about hanging out again that was the last form of communication yes that was last night that was last night unfortunately he's putting you in a tough spot to like re-ask i I know. I hate the double text. I really don't like seeming clingy or really expectant. I think you could hit him with a joke. It's a little snarky, but it's kind of something along the lines of, I really appreciate you acknowledging my communication skills. I was hoping to get the same from you. So the last text was you saying, thanks, I have a degree in communication. No, I told him a quick story about something that had happened. He said, that's crazy. And then that was it. The text that you sent him about wanting to see him again,

blah, blah, blah, reply to that text. Okay. So you're replying to your own text. So he knows what you're referencing. Does that not seem too needy to you to already say that, have him not say anything about that and then message him again? I don't know what this is, but I'm having conversations with people out in the wild and you and things like that. And it seems like, again, I'm talking to most women, so I don't know if this is from a women's point of view or just people in general, but there's this thing where I'm saying, hey, you should be direct or communicate. And I'm always hearing, well, I don't want to sound crazy

or needy, like communicating what you want isn't being needy. And if that scares him off, you're better off without him. I know. I know. Wouldn't you rather like just know either way right now if he's going to put an effort or show up or respond than be like, have this person on a back burner for a while? Yeah, I know. There know there's two paths to take, right? There's the aggressive approach of we're going to figure this out right here, right now. Or there's the other approach. It's like, well, maybe I'll just let it simmer, let him simmer on it, get used to the idea of me and his sister being roommates and then see if anything builds from that. I don't think it's either of those. I think it's just right down the middle

of just emphasizing that you want good communication and holding them accountable to being a good communicator because that's what you want to bring to the table. And I don't like being needy is figuring out what your needs are and then thinking, I'm asking for a lot and I'm not willing to give the same. That's being needy. But communicating your needs is not being needy.

It's communicating what you want. And if you think your needs are unrealistic, then fine, then you can evaluate whether that makes you needy. But simply stating what you want out of any type of interaction is not being needy. It's also not crazy. And we have to get that type of mindset out of our heads that stating the bare minimum of our expectations is not needy or crazy. If your expectations are crazy or if they're too much and needy, then that's when you can figure out whether they're needy or crazy. When you're just like, you know what I want out on a relationship? I want you to bring pancakes to me every morning. That would be a little nutty. You know, that might be a little needy. So it's their own thing. But yeah, but

right. And they can decide whether that's needy or crazy. But you know what I'm saying? Like, we're going around talking, like communicating, like our basic expectations and what we want are somehow like is crazy or needy. You were vulnerable and said, I really like you. I'd like to keep doing this. And he just hit you with, wow, you're a great communicator and didn't ask and acknowledge a simple question. Well, I didn't ask him to hang out, to be fair. I just told him. You get what I'm saying. You're making excuses. Okay, fair. You were pretty clear about what you wanted. It clearly needed an acknowledgement.

He didn't acknowledge it. He ignored it. He chose to ignore it. So I think you playfully say, I was hoping the same from you. You can give him a wink face if you want to let him know that you're not coming down on him or something like that. Right. But to Allie's point, if he can't rise to that challenge then do you already have an answer the way i convince myself because i get a lot of anxiety about that too of like oh if i if i push

him too hard i'm gonna lose him and maybe if i just like in your words let it simmer at some point he'll open his eyes and i have to remind myself if he's gonna end it with me or not see a future with me he's either gonna say that or see that now or he's going to end it with me or not see a future with me, he's either going to say that or see that now, or he's going to see that after months of it simmering. And isn't it more fair for me to know that now so that I can either take some time to myself or recuperate or like recalibrate my life and then potentially find someone else than letting it quote unquote simmer? Just remind yourself that it's probably going to be the same answer either way. It's just going to be a bigger waste of your time if it is a no.

You're in a unique position because you're about to be roommates with his sister. And that unique position is to be your absolute best self and be the person you want to be in a relationship. And you want to give off that energy of the type of values you want and the type of communication you want. And he's going to be able to see that, whether it's on the peripheral. He's going to see how you carry yourself. So carry yourself in the way that you want someone to accept you in a relationship. Does that make sense?

No, it does make sense. And you can show him the type of person you want to be in a relationship. And if that's not something he wants, then great. He won't want that. But like, I don't think you should dumb yourself down or dilute, you know, who you want to be to appease him in hopes that you can then convince him to like accept who you are after you get him to want to like you, which is what most people do. And I said, you're in this unique position is that like, even if he doesn't take you up on your offer now, on some level, you're going to kind of be in this guy's life. So you can be your unapologetic self and be confident in what you want and confident in

the type of expectations you want from someone that you are going to prioritize. And holding people accountable for being good communicators is one of them. So just be playful and calm out on not acknowledging what you said and make him tell you that he's not interested in hanging out with you in that way anymore, if that's how he feels. Yeah. No, you're right. Expectations might fall low, but standards should always say hi. So I agree with you. There you go. So I think you should reply to that text. I would say you do it right now. Do you want me to do it right now? I would love to.

Okay. I will do it. So let's type it out together. So you're replying to that text. Read that text to me back so we know exactly what we're working with here. What I'm going to say or what you said? What you said. Okay. I said, hey, just wanted to say thanks again for inviting me and also taking me, oops, because my car window broke, to your church today. It was good to finally check it out. And thanks for indulging me with uncomfortable conversation and being honest about where you're at. I do enjoy talking with you and spending time together. And then he said, hi, that's very sweet to share.

I really appreciate your time. Smiley face. And then he said, you're a pretty solid communicator, I have to say. Read that back to me one more time. Okay, both of them? Yeah, the whole thing. Okay. Hey, just wanted to say thanks again for inviting me and also taking me, oops, to your church today.

It was good to finally check it out. Also, thanks for indulging me with uncomfortable conversation and being honest about where you're at. I do enjoy talking with you and spending time together. And he replied, hi, that's very sweet to share. I really appreciate your time. Smiley face. Okay. Well, I'm slightly re-evaluating because you didn't really all you said is you enjoy his time and then he said kind of the same

thing there wasn't an ask in there i guess i told you there wasn't an ask okay yeah yeah you said i was making excuses no you're you're okay. Fair enough. All right. Well, now we need an ask. What's the ask? So how about another date? Yeah. Do that. Why not?

Short, simple, to the point. I need you to make him give you some clarity. I guess my hope was just that he would show up and make that initiative because then I would know he really wanted it. Yeah. Yeah, it's too early to do that. You know what you want, and that's the important thing. So stop wasting each other's time and help each other out and ask him on a date that you know you want to go out on and see if he's interested. In the future, if this keeps going, you can communicate to him that you would like to seize some of that initiative from him too. But I think it's too early after one day. He also did ask you to go

to his church. He took some initiative there. So let's just say how we feel and communicate that and put it out there and see if they accept it. And as things move along, we can continue to check in and we can continue to communicate new expectations and what we want to let the other person know how we want to feel valued and we can see if they meet those expectations and go from there. That's fair. Yeah. I'll think of something that maybe he'd like to do and I would like to do and then I'll ask him if he wants to do it. How about we just ask him now? He keeps saying that. Okay. Well, what can we do? How about another another date how about another date or so how about another date i don't know if it really matters are you free this weekend i'm asking

you are you free this week oh um yeah so how about a date this weekend okay i've decided we should go on another date no ask a question what's wrong she's's like, absolutely not. I like the question. It feels more genuine to their conversation than I've decided. I feel like we need some initiative here. I don't think either is fine. I don't think there's wrong with either.

I say, hey, so I'm thinking we should hang out again. You know him better than we know him. I don't know. Yeah, I don't think you should say hang out. I think you should say the word date. That's the important word in the message. I don't know. Yeah, I don't think you should say hang out. I think you should say the word date. That's the important word in the message. I don't think it really matters. How about another?

I just want you to be confident and communicate that confidence that you want to keep hanging out. And I think given the situation with the sister, this is ripe for a situationship because there are like potential awkward things. So when that happens, we try to, we avoid communicating. We're just, you know, we are, we're all hedging our bets. And I think you just need to put it out there exactly what you want and be very clear and make him reject you. That might be a reason for him not going overboard in making the plans with you because he knows his sister's part of it. So it might not be because of lack of interest. He might just be trying to play it a little safe. So you might have to be the one to put it forward because he doesn't want to go too hard and then

get a call from his sister saying, you made my roommate feel uncomfortable. Stop texting her. I know. We try really hard not to talk to his sister about the situation we try to keep those lines very clear yeah you might need to exude the confidence in the in each other you're the friend so to speak so it's kind of like you might have to be the confident one as the roommate and and your potential romantic partner it doesn't bother me and so how about another date this weekend or maybe i think we should go on another date this weekend. That's what I put. How'd you know?

I put, hey, I think we should go on another date this weekend. I like that. Nailed it. Okay. Sending it. Great. Woo! Yay!

Now, make him give you a clear answer. Okay. I appreciate that. I needed that confidence booster, honestly. You're a cat. You don't have time for simmering. Thanks, Sally. You deserve a finished dish.

Hold this for library books. Grab a fork. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you guys. I really appreciate it. Let us know what he says. Oh, I will.

I will keep us updated. Thank you so much. That makes a lot of sense. I appreciate it. All right. Take care. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatcastmedia.com. Cast with a K. Just remember you are anonymous. So all the juicy stories, we welcome. Holiday stories, breakup stories. If you're stuck in a situation, ship, mediation, looking for it all, send in those questions. AskNakedCastMe.com. Cast with a K. And we will see you on Wednesday.