The Viall Files - E519 Ask Nick - Deadbeat Dad Energy

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re here again to bring on our callers and help them navigate the world of relationships and situationships. We kick things off by hearing about Ali’s unconventional travel hacks, an update from improv class, and Amanda revealing the break-up song of the week! After debating if it’s worse to be cheated on or fallen out of love with, we bring on our callers. Our first caller is debating if she should break off her engagement with her fiancé, despite having a child with him. With this man not fulfilling her needs as both a partner and a father to her child, she wonders if it’s worth it to move on. Our next caller has been single for three years and recently feeling lonely, is reflecting on a breakup from years ago. With her ex appearing in her dreams, she wonders how to detach from these feelings and hope for a brighter future. Our last caller is wondering how to handle a situation where her best friend seems to disappear when her friend is dating someone. With her finding a hard time with their dynamic changing, our caller wonders how to salvage and transform friendship into something new. “You’re a better friend when you don’t have a boyfriend.”  If you are interested in running a book club in your city, send an email to: [e-mail]  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Total Wireless: Total by Verizon is available at http://www.TotalByVerizon.com and at retailers nationwide. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You can listen to The Vile Files ad-free on Amazon Music. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another exciting and fantastical episode of The Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas for those of you who celebrate that particular holiday. And I hope the rest of you had a heavy Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or just whatever it is you celebrated. Happy holiday to you all. I hope it was wonderful and safe and pleasant. I hope you didn't fight too much with your family. And if you did, we're here for you. If you broke up with someone over the holidays,

we're here for you. Tell us your story. Email us at asknick at castmedia.com, cast with a K. And if nothing else, give the gift of your family drama to the people of the Vile Fowls, and hopefully we can help you navigate your crisis i'd ask you ladies how your uh christmas was but we are recording this prior to it's in the future the birth of the christ we are recording it after the first day of hanukkah we are that's true how was your how was your hanukkah you got it was actually it was really cute my boyfriend and i went out for an extraordinarily fancy dinner last night. I tested negative for COVID yesterday, positive today.

Yikes. I don't get you. But it was, I mean, you know. It's a thing. Sneaky, sneaky length. You hate to see it. But we exchanged gifts and I was like, this is kind of an awesome tradition because like Hanukkah tends to fall at random points throughout December.

So going out for dinner on the first night of Hanukkah is very feasible in a way that going out for Christmas isn't. It never starts the same day. Is it like Easter for the Catholics? I think so. Yeah. Do you remember that there was like Thanksgiving, that one year where it was the same time as Thanksgiving? No. We do not recall. Super early.

Oh, Thanksgiving. It was an epic year for the Jews. Yeah. We weren't tapped in. Sorry. Thank God we have Amandaanda yeah i'll keep you guys honest so far hanukkah is going great well you got covid so uh yeah the second day of hanukkah i got covid but the first day i got some very thoughtful gifts so this is like the christmas song like five golden rings are you traveling or you you traveling for the? Oh, I'm all over the place. I was in San Francisco for 48 hours.

I'm here for 48 hours. I'm about to leave for New York for 48 hours. Then I will be in Minnesota and then I will be in Denver and then I will be back. Where's Christmas? Minnesota. Why Denver?

New Year's. All right. We're trying to fly with Jeff for the first time. That's exciting. Can we talk about holiday travel though? Because I have a question. We all know I have some interesting travel habits, a.k.a. peeing in the first time. That's exciting. Can we talk about holiday travel, though? Because I have a question. We all know I have some interesting travel habits, a.k.a. peeing in the dog bathroom.

Trying very elaborate ways to get alcohol on board. Remind me of peeing in the what bathroom? Okay, well, it doesn't work as much anymore because LAX renovated, but back in the day, in the Delta Terminal, the dog bathroom. Have we talked about this already? Yes, yes. Chrissy died.

Chrissy left the planet and came back. Okay, now I remember. Yeah. She was back. But the dog bathroom used to just be like no windows, nothing. And you could lock the door from the inside. And the line was always a lot shorter for the dog bathroom than it was the people one. What do you mean the dog bathroom?

You peed on the grass? Yes. It's like a mother-daughter bonding experience apparently this is so unbelievable that i chose not drawers blacked out the thing that i'm intrigued by is people wait in line so people go in one at a time with their doggies like they're like my dog needs privacy for this and you pulled your pants down i have done it multiple times it is the fastest way to pee before you get on a flight i'm already going in there with kiki anyway is that because like women's bathrooms are notoriously like backed up and long yeah like the lines are always long

it's just it's efficiency i'm making no apologies for how i choose to live my life but my next question is I've started a new habit in which again I travel with the dog it's hard to like get her I don't know I like to get settled on a plane first because I have so much shit do you get her on the airplane? I've started this new thing where I have started photoshopping my boarding

passes to be in an earlier boarding group like for example when I fly airlines I don't fly a lot and you get put in like group five you're like a when it comes to travel you're just a straight up criminal is it criminal to photoshop your boarding pass to board early it's like taking substances on board well you're like catch me if i you can yeah and this is a challenge to any how do you how do you how do you photoshop your boarding press i'm of the belief when it comes to your group uh-huh that they don't really check it if you act as if and just get in line i've never heard like i've definitely been in like group 17 or whatever the fuck are just like seven and then like it gets to like group four i'm just like fuck it i'm just like gonna get in line yeah and they've never

really done anything i've done that a couple times in my life shame on both of you well that's the thing i don't feel like i have the balls to like try it if i don't have anything to back up my claim so i want it to be legit like i want to show them be like i'm so sorry i don't have anything to back up my claim. So I want it to be legit. Like I want to show them be like, I'm so sorry. I don't know why your technology is saying I'm a group four. The fact that you, how many times have you done this? Three times. And without a hitch? Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think it shows, that's what I'm saying. I don't think it shows up in their little system. I think it just like says on your ticket. Yeah. Like what pops up when you scan it before you get on? Not group, you know. Not you get on not group you know not your group i don't know you're you're photoshopping and they're not they're not saying anything yeah i think the i think what we learned here is that they're that your group assignment is not part of your like barcode if there are any like people who work for airlines we are very curious please let us know if you've worked for an airline and you know

what pops up when you scan yeah let us know please let me know yeah slide on into my dms yeah we we do need to utilize our audience a little bit more when it comes to these types of questions yeah we have a vast network it's a reverse ass nick yeah we definitely have people working for an airline right am me out. Right? Am I going to get caught? I don't know. Maybe. We'll find out. File, files.

Allie's international life of crime. I'm living. Peeing in the... You peed... Do you do that? Have you ever done that in a park? I can't just... I've peed in a golf course, but i don't know if that counts as a park

you just pee next to your dog a lot well no i can't do it anymore because they renovated and now it's like windows like if you had my house with the my i have a very private backyard but you just sometimes no this is only an airport situation she's like this is only in a public airport i would never do it in the privacy of a home. I would never do it at home. Don't be ridiculous. Happy holidays. Well, we have a fantastic episode for you all.

Again, do not forget to send in those questions. We need those questions. We have an absolutely fantastic month lined up for you coming in the new year. Super exciting. Oh, and also we have, you know, we're only giving two episodes this week. It's the holidays. But this is the week of the year where you don't even know what day it is. Yeah. The week between Christmas and New Year's, all bets are off. All bets are off. So anyways, we have today's episode. We have our Ask Nick

update, which is on Wednesday. It's a great episode. A lot of good updates. You won't want to miss that. So be sure to tell all your friends. Tell everybody. Our breakup song of the week is Little on the Nose, Breakups by Seaforth. And the lyric that the person submitted was, because I'm drunk at a bar at 2am and I just want to talk to my best friend. They said, this is the lyric that resonates. My ex of five years and I broke up because timing was off, but it was amicable and a lot of love there. So this song got me because I had to contact.

But because we ended so friendly, the love and the friendship is and was still there. That's a recipe for disaster. Amicable breakups are the worst. Yeah, that's an excuse to just drag it out. Would you rather be cheated on or fall out of love? I guess fall out of love. Sometimes I feel like it's more painful.

No, you just have to have the discipline. And then in this particular, thank you for the wonderful song recommendation. This particular person going through an amicable breakup is choosing to still, you know, they said it was just timing and things like that. I'd be willing to bet if we had this person on and we dug a little deeper, there's, you know, more to the story and, you

know, there's a reason why they're not together more than just like bad timing. You know, these types of activities or behaviors of reminiscing, it causes people to drag out a breakup or, you know, not fully move on or whatever it is. That's just a choice. It is tough. I would rather, yeah, fall in love and have a lot of respect for the person I once cared for truly deeply and was in love with and just hold myself accountable to set some boundaries for myself that I wouldn't reach out at a time of loneliness or neediness because obviously it feels comfortable and nice and i would yeah i would definitely rather have that than the letter okay rank from one to four

you fall out of love with them they fall out of love with you you cheat they cheat like in reasons of breaking up the order would be best as i fall in love with out of love with them i could argue they cheat on me is better than they fall out of love with me yeah yeah then fall out of love with them i could argue they cheat on me is better than they fall out of love with me yeah yeah then fall out of love with me and then i'm never gonna cheat on anyone so in improv class yesterday we had to do a very like rounded scene and it was revealed that i cheated on someone and i was like she cheated on her wife They were at the divorce lawyer's office. It was dark. How's improv going for Allie? Great. Great.

You like it? You haven't warmed up to it? No, she has. Are you trying to put on a tough like... No, it's fine. It's like, it's fine. It's going better. Am I still thrilled about it? No, but it's going better.

Are you evolving? I believe so. Okay, great. Yeah. Totally. Plus, I feel like,

I feel like we got our little, uh, reviews where the teacher made us come into the classroom one by one. This was yesterday? Last class, not yesterday. Last class. I think he made a point of saying like how much you're like letting,

you're like getting into it, Allie. Oh, you got a, you got a, you got a gold star from the teach? I did. All right. Woo. Yay me. You can clap for yourself. Woo. We love to clap and improv, Allie. Oh, you got a gold star from the teach? I did. All right.

Woo! You can clap for yourself. Woo-hoo! We love to clap and improv. All right. Well, enjoy this episode. Send in those questions. Be sure to check out our update episode

on Wednesday. Stay safe in the new year. Just remember, New Year's Eve is just another night. And also, I know we already said if some family drama went down, submit and ask Nick. But specifically, if you had some shit go down at a holiday party, especially the work ones.

Booze is flowing. Tension is high. Lights are bright. If you made some mistakes, you know, especially some secret mistakes. Everything is anonymous. Again, remember. I would love for. Yeah, yeah.

I want the juice. Doesn't need to be advice. You can just tell us about the way you made everything weird. Yeah, we'll give our opinion. Yeah. Even if you don't ask for advice, but sure. All right. Let's get to our callers.

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The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for, and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession. We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. Ladies and gentlemen. What are you doing? What do you mean? Just keep it simple. I'm making the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say,

hey, we're the Brav Bros. Two guys that talk about Bravo. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the Brav Bros. No. Dude, stop with the voice. Just keep it simple. I've seen promos on TV, dude. This is how you get the fans engaged. This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get listeners

here. If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it already. We need some oomph. Alright, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice. Brav Bros. Good job. How's it going? Good. How are you?

Good. What's your name? Nicole. How old are you, Nicole? 22. How can I help? I'm basically questioning you? Good. What's your name? Nicole. How old are you, Nicole? 22. How can I help? I'm basically questioning if I should be engaged to this man. We have a nine-month-old together. I have a lot of concerns, so I'm basically needing some perspective and advice on kind of a few concerns I have.

All right. And you are currently engaged? Yes. All right. And you have a nine-month-old? Yes. And a five-year-old or just a nine-month-old? No, just a nine-month-old. Oh, you've been dating for five years? Yes. All right. And you have a nine month old? Yes. And a five year old or just a nine month old? No, just a nine month. Oh, you've been dating for five years? Yes. Yes. Gotcha.

Okay. Why are you doubting it? Basically, like we had a year apart before I had my son with him. And the reason we broke up in the first place is because when we moved in together originally, I found out that he's like a huge mama's boy, which like wasn't a bad thing. I want someone that's close to their family, but like to the extent was just a little bit much. They would like show up at our house all the time unannounced. And he just like, he's just seen as the youngest boy. They just don't really respect him. And he just can't ever stick up for me. And he would prioritize them over me in like every situation. And he was just like, would put it on me like well

if you hate my family so much and all this stuff and so that's kind of why we broke up in the first place when we had that year apart he was better he was showing up for me you know doing a lot of things for me but so you broke up with him you kept hanging out and you basically had him show you yeah yeah i told him that it was a concern and that like I wanted to be put first and so we we were living together at the time we moved out we're like well let's date other people and just be be friends or whatever it is right and so you know we were still hooking up but we were also dating other people and also like really open about that and I was going through a lot with my family at the time and just kind of fell back into it I I was like, this guy's my best friend. Like I've been with him for a long time.

Like, let's just try dating again, not living together. Three months into that I get pregnant. And so I'm like, okay, I guess I'm doing this. Then we get engaged and the pregnancy's fine. He's really good during that. I didn't want to be intimate during my pregnancy because it was really uncomfortable. He was totally cool with that. But just like now he's just not the father that I had expected him to be. He's very like begrudgingly not helpful and not interested basically. And so it's like my whole life has changed and his really hasn't. So I feel like there's a lot of resentment there. Still issues with his family. His mom asks very inappropriate questions to him. Like, oh, so she's on birth control, right?

And I'm in the other room. I'm like, why is she asking you that? That's none of her business. And he's just like, oh, she just makes excuses or just little stuff like that where he just can't ever stand up for me, I guess. How old is he? He's going to be 30 next week.

I was expecting you to be like, he's 22 or 23. Yeah. Yeah. There's an age difference for sure. Interesting. Because you're describing a boyish man. I just have been through a lot more in my life and not to say anything bad about him. He just doesn't get me on an emotional level, I feel like, and is very naive about the world

and just everything. And he's just starting to be unattractive to me, for sure. What are the reasons to stay in this relationship? Our son. It's so much guilt and pressure. And I just feel the weight of raising my son and doing right by him. Yeah. I mean, I hear you. And it sounds like it's a very thoughtful thought to have for your child. I'm not a marriage expert by any stretch. I just don't know if, and I say this as someone who has had the benefit of two loving parents and a great family dynamic growing up. But I don't know if you're going to have a great family dynamic if you don't respect and love the person you're going to marry. You're not even married. It'd be one thing if you're like,

hey, we got married two years ago and I'm having these thoughts and feelings. And then certainly there's ways to work on things and you have good times and bad. But you have a story of, hey, we dated, you were 19. At the time you were dating a 27-year-old guy who you felt was kind of immature for you being 20 or 19. That's not a good sign. It's not a good sign. It's gotten a little better when you broke up, then you got back together, got knocked up. It just doesn't sound like you would be with him if it weren't for your son.

That's the thing. 100%. 100% you say. Yeah, then I think you have your answer. And listen, I think you can still give your son a really wonderful life and a really great upbringing and a healthy home. And it'll be up to you to decide to want to be great parents. I mean, you're super young,

so chances are you're going to go out there and date and you'll have to brave that world being a single mom, which you can totally do and a lot of people do, and it will have its challenges and ups and downs. But eventually you're going to meet someone that you're truly in love with and hopefully they will want to be a great stepfather to your child. And maybe I'm hoping if you want to have more kids, start a family with them. I'm guessing you just feel very, maybe alone a little bit. And probably the thing you're feeling the most is I just didn't expect this for me or my kid. Yeah. And the biggest thing for me right now is like the intimate part like my body has completely rejected him at this point like i do not want to

have sex with him at all like if i force myself to i almost feel very violated and like oh my god get me out of here they should definitely not do that then yeah i know but then he then he puts it on me like well you had just had a baby your hormones are messed up like maybe go see a doctor like go see a therapist i mean he's trying to put it on you like i mean listen are you telling him that you're repulsed by him no you gotta put yourself in his shoes like he's just you know you know the alternative is he he's repulsed you're repulsed by him and like so he's just he's just trying not to feel like a total loser i mean i get where he's coming from i don't think he's trying to blame you

my guess is just like fuck like if my girlfriend or fiance who i just had a baby with like didn't want me to touch her at all and like looked at me like a repulsor i'd probably be like oh maybe it's like the baby you know like i would definitely i mean like i would try to figure out answers you know so i so to that point too it's just, if you know how you feel about him and the only reason you're considering this is, you know, because of your kid, then I think you really do have your answer because you're kind of already showing what, what's going to continue to happen. He's going to get frustrated. You're going to get frustrated. You're going to get frustrated at each other. And it's going to feel like he's attacking you and vice versa. And at the end of the day, if you don't love him, if you don't want to be with him, if you don't feel like you

can grow a healthy relationship with him so that you can have the type of like home that you think is suitable for your young son, I think you have your answer. And I think you just kind of have to like accept the fact that like, you know, this happened and it's not what you expected, but you're not alone. That's for sure. A lot of people are going through what you're going through. And the good news is, is you are young. I mean, you're super young, you know, you have still a lot in front of you and a lot of potential dating to do, and it could be really exciting. And yeah, you'll have to figure out what boundaries you have for the people you date and your son and your husband. And you know, that's, that'll have its complications

and things you'll have to work through. But right now, you're in an unhappy, miserable relationship with someone that makes you sick inside by thinking about being intimate with him. Not good. Yeah. But I don't want to look back and think like, oh, I just gave up so easily. I was being so young and just thinking the grass is greener. Well, let's evaluate that. How long have you been dating this guy overall? Together, together, four years. Four years. All right. So you've been known him for four years. In those four years, your overall opinion of him and your concerns sounds to me like it has been fairly consistent. Yeah. There have been many moments of improvement, but overall, the person you got to know within the first year, and it sounded like

those concerns popped up in the first year. Yeah. And you've voiced them, you've expressed them, you've communicated them, you've tried to work on them, you even broke up, you got back together. Those challenges still persist. It's been four years. I think it's safe to tell yourself you've tried. At the same time, our son's only nine months, I feel like. All the better. He doesn't have to deal with mom and dad getting divorced at three or four. Yeah. Or five or six. Your son won't know the difference. Yeah, that's very true. I strongly think that you shouldn't get married feeling the way you do now. And things would have to drastically change. Yeah. When you're saying your body is shutting down, you don't want to be near him. And like, I totally understand hormones and stuff change after having a baby, but you're

thinking about potentially spending the rest of your life with this person. Is that how you want to feel every day? Or are you willing to like kind of take a leap of faith in the hopes that there's better out there? Because I think there is. Yeah. I mean, yeah. You've been dating this guy for four years. You were, I mean, I'm assuming your first serious boyfriend or? Yeah. In your case, the grass might be greener. I would nearly bet everything I have on the grass being greener. One thing my therapist said the other day that I thought was really helpful was she, she was talking about how like perfection is boring and she was like, life is about the repairs.

There's going to be situations that don't go the way you want to. And I think focusing on the repairs and viewing it, because like, I really do think that's like so much of life ending up in situations that you might not have chosen for yourself that, you know, in hindsight, you wish you could change, but you can't. And just finding out a way to navigate that. Like, I think in doing that, you're an amazing role model for your kid. And so that adds so much value, like in a parenting standpoint, in a way that it seems like maybe you're worried about losing it if you were to break up yeah yeah I just feel like I'm the bad guy in this situation for like and because he's gonna be like so just like shocked like he thinks everything is fine like

he doesn't understand that I'm like literally have shut down like we don't spend time together we work opposite schedules so it's basically like I watch our son during the week and then I go to work on the weekends and he's the opposite we don't even communicate and he still he just thinks like like when he sees me being quiet like not wanting to talk to him he'll be like he'll just come up to you and be like you know you're my dream girl right and I'm just like you see me not wanting to be around you not wanting to talk to you and that's your response to like like see where I'm at basically it's just like very childish and like yeah like when mom's mad like i just don't understand i don't know how to communicate with a person like that who doesn't understand yeah i mean he's in fairness to him though you're not communicating exactly how you're feeling you're just right being

kind of avoidant and distant well yeah well and i i have too i've been like yeah like the last few months, like I felt really disconnected from you. Like, I don't know what we can do about that. And he's just like, really? Like the last few months? I'm like, yeah, like you haven't noticed. And he'll just be like, well, let's do date night, like on Thursdays. And I'm just like, he doesn't get like the extent of like. No, he doesn't. But I, yeah, I just, in in fairness to him i don't think you're really communicating this and i think it sounds like you're you're expecting him to pick up on signals and things like that and he is the kind of boyish immature man that you've described but like with your

girlfriend when she's like changing moods or like don't you kind of pick up on that and you kind of check in like hey like what's going on like i know that's unfair of me to just expect that but it's like you've known me for a long time you should know like a little bit of how to read me i guess like i don't know everyone's different and this is all might be to the point where you just you're looking for someone else something else than a guy i'm just trying to just respond to what you're saying yeah but ultimately it sounds like you want someone who is a better communicator who might be a little bit more attentive to your needs. I do think it would just help

you getting good at just, it's tough to exactly say how you feel, but in your case, I don't know, maybe, sounds like you already have your answer,

but it seems like you're struggling with going, how do you go about that? So, and the fear of like, well, maybe I'm quitting too early. So,

I don't know, suggest couples therapy. One, if he doesn't, if he avoids wanting to go all together, it's another kind of reason to end it. And another, maybe a reason that you can give to him, you know, once you decide to leave. And if he does, if he is willing to go, you'll be able to find out whether you are really walking away too soon. And you can talk through it to a therapist with him and in a safe space, like, tell me exactly how you feel because you haven't done that yet. If my girlfriend told me, I was like, I don't, I'm not attracted to you anymore. It would hurt.

It would hurt. But I would be like, well, maybe we should break up. And yeah, you will be the bad guy for a while to him. But that's not a reason to stay in a relationship for the rest of your life. You want more from a relationship. You deserve to get more and you wanted it to be from him, but he's not doing it. And you maybe could communicate a little bit better, but partly I think you're not communicating it because you just, I think you're checked out. Yeah. You know? So it's like, why do I tell him? Cause I don't, you know, you know, so that's the part you have to like own. It's just like the part of you that's kind of complaining about what he's not doing or how he's not responding the way you'd want him to,

like at this point, would it matter? I don't know. I'm kind of getting the vibe that it wouldn't. Yeah, probably not. If that's the case, matter? I don't know. I'm kind of getting the vibe that it wouldn't. Yeah, probably not. If that's the case, if you really don't see any hope, then I think you just have to get to the point of ripping the bandaid off. How's your support system outside of him, like with your family and friends? What's that look like? I have a lot of good friends. They're just at a way different place in life than me. Obviously my family is super supportive. I have a really good brother that lives here and my mom too. That's great.

Yeah. I know there'll be a big help. It's just scary too. And you don't have to get divorced. Oh my God. What a dream. I know. Thank God.

I just, yeah, I just am really feeling the weight of like, it's going to be my responsibility for my son. And I already like, obviously, but it's just going to be a lot harder for me than him. Yeah. Well, listen, hopefully he steps up and pays child support and, you know,

I have to get a lawyer for that. Yeah. But that's, yeah, it sucks. Like you're, you have some tough choices to make and, and some tough situations to deal with, but all of which sound better than being stuck in a relationship for the rest of your life with someone you don't love or like even. And you're going to have to just experience some short-term pain and discomfort and frustrations to set yourself up for success in the long run. So yeah, I mean, listen, it's a tough situation, but there are positives. You're not married to this guy, so it wouldn't require require divorce or lawyers to get out of it. You would be single again. And it sounds like to you, that would be more exciting than scary. I'm sure there's scary elements to it. And I'm sure there's parts of

dating as a young mother that you're like... Yeah. It's a lot of baggage to have at 22 years old. I feel like I'm just not even interested in dating. I just want to be kind of alone. Okay. And be alone for now. But I think once you get over in dating i just want to be kind of alone okay and be alone for now but like i think once you get over it you'll want to date again maybe and yeah you know it's it's a it's a kid it's not like a lot of young mothers i think you're going to be okay i have suggested couples therapy before and he just like is confused like because he knows that i have like past trauma and stuff he's like well yeah I'm supportive of you going to therapy like you can totally go and I'm just like that's not what I meant I meant like to bridge the gap that we're clearly having right now and he was just like well I don't know like

what we'd even talk about and I'm just like there's that what is he like what do you guys it sounds like you're not like hanging out you're not spending quality time together no I just see him at night for like bedtime routine. And then he goes straight to bed cause he wakes up early. So we don't spend a lot of time together. Yeah. So I feel like you have your answer. Yeah.

I mean, the only alternative is to like soften the blow because you could literally just be like, Hey, I think we should break up. You could do it today. You're not married. His birthday is literally next week. I'm just going should break up you could do it today you're not married his birthday is literally next week i'm just gonna break up with him right see i just like keep on okay we'll wait never a good time we'll wait till yeah never a good time he'll be fine i mean he's gonna be upset for a while but the way you're describing i mean this

guy i i don't understand the guy you know like i don't understand his mentality i mean i'm only hearing your side of the story but you know and if he don't understand his mentality. I mean, I'm only hearing your side of the story, but, you know, and if he wants to come on the show and talk about it, I'm down. But if this is how he truly is, then I think you have your answer. And then you just have to get past the tough breakup, which, you know, will acquire some conversations and you just, you're not happy. It's just that simple. I'm not happy. I've tried. I suggested couples therapy and you supported me getting therapy.

Yeah. I want a partner that wants to what's your love language? Mine, probably quality time and physical touch. You're not getting any of that right now. No. We don't spend any quality time and I don't want to touch you.

Yeah. I think it's really like reassuring but also scary to like hear you say that because like everyone in my life is like, or like once you have a kid with him, like you have to work it out like for the kid. Why? Who says that? People are still saying that?

Yeah. My parents, my brother, like my good friend at work, she's like, he has so much potential. I get what you're saying. No, he doesn't. He's 30. I know. If you haven't reached your potential, or at least if you haven't tapped into your potential

by the time you're 30, chances are you might not reach your potential. There need to be signs. And maybe he's reached his potential. I mean, what's he do for work? Is he happy and successful in that? Yeah, he does sales. He does pretty well. Sales for like a payroll company. Okay. So he does that pretty well. He's just.

Yeah. As a partner, he's had four years to reach his potential. And his younger girlfriend talks about him like he's, I thought, thought honestly you were going to tell me he was 22 or 21 or 20 I thought you were dating someone younger yeah he's just very like self like I thought that truly having a kid would like bring us together and like just what we needed almost a kid is never what you need by the way but like he just is like in the middle of the night I'm like asking for help like hey can you just go get a bottle? Or Hey, can you do this? And then like when I was super sick, he, I was like, can you just stand up and rock him for just a second?

Like he'll fall back asleep and he stands up and huffs and puffs and goes, and what about me? I'm like, what do you mean? What about you? Like, like he's like, I have to sleep and I have to wake up tomorrow. And I'm like, well, that's kind of what having a kid is. You have to put yourself last. Like, I don't know. He has some deadbeat dad energy.

Yeah. And it's sad because it's like, that's not what I thought he'd be at all. So I think you just kind of expressed that to him during a breakup. That he has deadbeat dad energy. Honestly, I don't have much sympathy for dads like that. I mean, I've never been a dad and I'm excited to be a dad, but I've been around good fathers and I've been around bad fathers and I'm sorry. I mean, I think about the love I have for my dog and we can't wait to have a kid. I just can't imagine. And I'm sure there are moments where you're tired and you don't want to get up and whatever, but I can't imagine not helping my partner. And, and yeah, I'm sure there's always conflicts where you don't feel like you want to do it and you wish your partner would step up and vice versa. But this is, this is like, it sounds like this is the norm for him. And he, it sounds like you're describing someone who doesn't really want to participate in parenting.

want to participate in parenting. He just wants to have you raise your kid while he goes to work. And he has a very old school value system when it comes to parenting. And you don't, and it doesn't align. And you're having a hard time getting through to him and communicating with him. What's there to work with? I think it's insane, not even wrong, but I think it's insane for anyone to say, you need to make this work for the kid. There are so many different healthy ways to create an environment and a loving environment for your kid that don't include sucking it up and muscling through a relationship for your entire life. You're only 22. You're going to be miserable and resentful. And i've seen miserable and resentful parents

around their kids and they're not a fucking delight to their kids yeah yeah that's and you don't want this relationship to turn you into something you don't want to be and not be the best mother to your kids you're in a tough situation and i know but it could be worse that's the good news yeah and it will get worse if you don't do something about it i think we just break up with him this weekend do you live with him yeah yeah we live together what would you do if you break up like what what's that look like for you what's your living situation look like i would because he owns this house and we have a renter on the bottom that pays like the majority of the mortgage and so i would want to stay where I am

up here above her and like he go find a new place. That might not work out for you. I know, I know, I know. Cause he gets very like cold when. Well, also like it's, it's his, and if you break up, you aren't married, you know, and certainly he needs to pay child support and i hope he helps with that but i wouldn't bank on him paying for you to live there if you break up with him i mean he maybe well but this is not the guy you've been you've been describing no like i would pay for the top part of it i would pay for it but i just don't want to like have the hassle of like moving all my stuff because it's all the furniture in here is mine he's never lived away from his parents before he met me and then we moved in together that was the first time living away from his parents yeah so all the furniture is mine everything's mine in here it's like he

would have an empty house when i leave yeah i'm just saying prepare yourself for the fact that he might not want to be your landlord yeah yeah and that'll be fine there. Your brother can help you move. Sometimes we have to just face, face some like very temporary and short-term like annoyances or pain and frustrations and some inconveniences in the long run. It sounds like the solution is obvious. I just hope that it's not like an ugly situation and it may be in the beginning, but I hope that like it gets to a point where we can like be happy co-parents together. And that's all you can say.

And as long as he's, you know, not unsafe around you, like he's going to get sad and hurt and he's going to have to deal with that pain and sadness in his own way. And you'll be the bad guy for sure. And he'll probably accuse you of not wanting to work on it anymore, quitting the relationship or whatever the fuck.

I don't know. Yeah. But at the end of the day, you have the right to leave if you're not happy. And you certainly have tried. And I don't think you deserve to have a deadbeat dad energy as a partner. I know I need to end it for sure.

I just, again, want to wait till after Christmas because he has all these plans with his family and he's going to just, Christmas is always a nightmare because my family and his family, they don't, we don't coordinate. And so he gets so upset when I'm like, well, I'm going to go to my family. You can go to your family. And he's like, well, you hate my family. And we, we have a son now, so we need to do things together.

And I'm just like, I don't want to be around your weird family. So why wait until after Christmas? I guess, like you said, to soften the blow. I don't know. You're already dreading Christmas. Yeah. So break up with him before Christmas and let him be around his family and be sad. And they can all talk shit about you.

Yeah, literally. And then you can be with the people you want to be with. Yeah. Listen, the breakup's going to suck. We know that. But as long as you wait to break up with him, you're going to be dreading the breakup. And that's going to be with. Listen, the breakup's going to suck. We know that. But as long as you wait to break up with him, you're going to be dreading the breakup and that's going to suck too. So either you can break up with it and start the healing process, or you can go through this long, arduous, like dreading of the breakup only to still have to deal with the breakup whenever

you decide to do the breakup. So you're making a bad situation worse by like dragging it out, knowing how you already feel and then muscling through the holidays and having it fights that you don't even know like you're gonna know that like i don't even need to have this fight because i'm gonna break up with you this is a stupid fight you know like and you just you owe it you do owe it to him just give him the answer like you're just let him deal with it get your ducks in a row talk to your family make sure your support system is like lined up and ready to go to have your back. Right. I do that.

Hey, I'm thinking of breaking up with so-and-so. Like, here's why. And when your parents ask you, like, I'm not happy. This is why. I don't want to be with someone who like, I'm already alone in a relationship. I'd rather just be alone with a chance to like find someone who doesn't make me feel alone even when I'm with them. And someone who is't make me feel alone even when I'm with them and someone who is open to helping. And obviously we're in a co-parent and you can figure out custody and things like that.

I know, which has its challenges, but people deal with it all the time. I just don't want to share my son. I'm going to have over it for sure but it's just so hard like he's so little and that's the other thing is like well it doesn't sound like he's gonna put much of a fight you know yeah it's true i mean listen this is you know and also the laws are in your favor there's that yeah especially in the state that we live in so listen it sounds like you want him to be the father to your kid and be supportive. And I know you don't want to share them, but like. I do. Yeah. You want him, you know, you want your kid to have a father and like, you can voice that to him and,

and say like, let's, you know, for the sake of our son, let's try to make this work. And, but like, we shouldn't be together. I'm not and if you are i don't you know i i can't make you happy but i i'm just not happy and i don't want you to feel like i hate your family and you know we're just not compatible and we want different things and yeah should i just leave it like that like you said or should i like go into it like the sex part and like all of that the sex part is only going to hurt him unless he's just like yeah if he's begging for information you tell him i at some level i think you owe him some specifics so he really understands how you feel yeah because then he can't accuse you of not

trying so heavy i'm sorry i know it sucks yeah it's a tough situation there's no way to to slice it like i you know yeah all i can say is you have some advantages to people who could be in similar situations, but they could be married. And that's such a huge difference. You have the benefit of being 22. You have so much life in front of you. Well, thank you. Appreciate that. I wish I could be more helpful. It's not what I was expecting you to say. What did you think I was going to say to, you know, go to therapy.

And I knew you were going to say, I'm not a good communicator and that we should go to therapy and like work it out first before I make that decision. I mean, everything you're telling me is sounds like you're pretty much done. You know, if you're a therapist is not going to make you love him. You know,

a therapist might get you guys to understand the disconnect that you're experiencing in this relationship and to be able to better hear each other. Because when you say, hey, can you do X, Y, or Z, or I feel X, Y, or Z, and he's like, I don't get it. What do you want me to say? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You could maybe help with that. But it also sounds like you're just not into him anymore. Like you said, I am pretty checked out. I don't even have arguments anymore. I just do my thing and he does his. And given that you have such a young child, it might literally, logistically, this might be the best thing for the kid to deal with all these challenges early on where they don't even

remember. And the relationship that he's going to have with his father and you will always seem normal to them, you know, and he can still be hopefully a great father and you can be a great mother and you can hopefully co-parent and he won't know anything different. And hopefully you meet someone who gives you the love that you want and deserve in a relationship and, you know, they can have a step, he can have a stepdad and hopefully one that loves him and things like that. You can create a really healthy environment for your kid if that's your priority without forcing it with this guy. Yeah, that is my priority for sure.

And that's more than possible. You're going to have to make some tough choices. You're going to have to deal with some short-term and temporary inconveniences and difficult times, but sounds like you're capable of, of getting through it. Oh yeah. I think I'm ready for sure. All right. Well, I'm sorry you're going through it either way, but try to think of the positives instead of dwelling on how hard it's going to be. Think of like the opportunities that are in front of you and your child. Yeah. I definitely want him to see me as the happiest that I can be. And I'm not like you

said, so I vote doing it this weekend, this week. Yeah. Oh my goodness. There's never going to be a good time. It's, it's bad. I so get that. You're like hearing his narrative of like, and she did it right before my birthday and the holidays, But also imagine the narrative of we went through my birthday and the holidays with my family. And the whole time she knew she wanted to break up with me. He's going to spin it. However, he wants to spin it.

Honestly. Like you're going to be, it is what it is. He's going to be over here being like, and she did it on January 8th of all days. Like you can't avoid being his bad guy. So get your Billie Eilish on. Hell yeah.

But I also feel like I do have to get my ducks in a row and figure out where I'm going to go. We're going to break up. Do that for sure, but don't use that as an excuse to delay it. You can get off the phone with us today and start making calls and

start figuring your shit out. All right. Good luck. We're here if you need. Let us know what you decide. We need a follow-up for sure. Yes. All right. Thank you so much. Take care. Happy holidays. Thanks. You too. It's going to be great. See ya. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. How's it going? Hi, I am Chelsea. I'm 27. How can we help Chelsea? I am at an age where most of my friends are either married or in a serious relationship and I've been single for three years.

I've just been put in like situations where I'm constantly the only one who's attending alone and things like that. And I guess it's just kind of stirred up some memories of a relationship from literally seven years ago that made me feel really secure. And I know it sounds crazy, but it kind of like at the times that I feel insecure about my current situation, it like pops up in my dreams. So I do have a therapist and we've kind of worked through like what it really means. But I guess just what does your therapist say about that?

So she says that it's not that I'm like mourning him because like it's not like I just go about my day thinking about him or anything like that. Like it was so long ago and we were young, but it's more just like I like what I associated that relationship with, which was like a lot of security and deep feelings that I guess I didn't feel in relationships since. So she just noticed a trend that like it usually happens when big events are happening now where I am the only person alone and I feel not secure and things like that. So I guess I'm just curious of like how to detach from like associating that past feeling of security and just kind of like regaining hope that I'll have that again going forward because you know in the current dating world it just hasn't been very secure and yeah how old are you again 27 27 okay I know you might not think this

but it's still like really young I know I I've read most of your book and it was validating to hear that you've had these feelings before where everyone else is in a relationship. And at the time it feels like you're old, but you're really not. And I don't know. So it's just tough. Yeah, totally. And I get how if weddings and holidays and things like that, and you go home for the holidays and if you have siblings, they bring their partners home if you go to weddings. and you go home for the holidays. And if you have siblings, they bring their partners home if you go to weddings. But I think you just really have to try to focus on the freedoms that you do have. I mean, I'm assuming the friends that you have in relationships, some of them might talk about their relationship problems. Yeah, I guess so. Most of them are very stable and secure.

And how long have they been in these relationships? Well, I was just a bridesmaid in one of my friend's weddings and she's been with him since the time that I was with that past boyfriend. So that kind of is a little reminder. My best friend has been with her current boyfriend for about a year and everyone else has been like a year plus. Okay. And have you been dating? Yeah. I take breaks when it gets a little frustrating that things just aren't clicking. So right now I'm kind of in that break period. I do have someone that I might go out with soon, but I don't know. I've been struggling a little bit. I don't know if it's helpful to hear about why that relationship felt so secure because there also were a lot of

toxic times that I try to remember when I'm feeling. I mean, I'm curious. I'm also more curious about what your current dating situation looks like, but I mean, I'm happy to hear about the past. Yeah, I guess in the past it was, he kind of came in at a time where I, you know, was freshly in college and I was struggling with a little bit of like mental health issues and he was just really supportive and I was struggling with a little bit of mental health issues. And he was just really supportive and there for me. And my friends kind of abandoned me because they didn't really know what to do. So it felt like he was there at a time that no one else was. But then there were also times where he cheated on me and I became very emotionally unstable and

things like that. Yeah. I mean, he cheated on you. So I wouldn't spend, I would try not to spend a lot of your emotional energy reminiscing about that relationship. This is kind of what your therapist meant, but like, it seems to me like, listen, you miss feeling the feelings of loved. Like you were in that relationship and it sounds like, you know, regardless of the toxic times, there were plenty of moments of you feeling loved and secure, right? Especially when it was good. And right now you are focusing on those moments. You're aware that you were cheated on and things like that, but it truly isn't that person, kind of like your therapist said. It's the feelings that you're trying to replicate. The feeling of security and

love and knowing that you have someone to share your day with and share stories with. And you're at that point in your life at 27 and your group of friends, it sounds like, many of them have settled down with their partner. And there's, listen, as we get older, our friendships do evolve and change, right? Like we just, back when we were younger, we have our group of friends. There's this kind of expectation that we're going to hang out like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday kind of thing. It's not like, are we hanging out? It's what are we doing kind of thing. Right. Exactly. And now you're experiencing, it's like, well, you know, like John and I are going to go do this and I'm going to do this with so-and-so.

And you're just like, great. And they all, you know, they're preoccupied with their lives. Some of them are getting married and maybe starting families, et cetera, et cetera. So their priorities are changing and you're feeling a bit left behind. Exactly. So, and do you live in the city? No, I live like about an hour train ride out. Okay. I would just encourage you to try to make new friends, be more adventurous, you know,

things like that. And these times where you're taking these breaks, try to invest in yourself, you know, things like that. And these times where you're taking these breaks, try to invest in yourself, you know, whatever that looks like to you, whether it's some sort of, you know, is there something you've always thought about learning about or doing that never that you've never done? I don't know. I mean, I mostly just now invest my energy in school. I'm in school part time. So I've kind of just been focusing on that, which has been helpful. That's great, yeah. Yeah, so I guess like my bigger question is like, A, how to not like lose hope in these frustrating dating situations

that like I'll get to that place again. And also just like how to, you know, get through those feelings where I am alone at a wedding and I am alone at the work party and, you know, things like that and not seeing my best friend because she's with her serious boyfriend and, you know and things like that. Yeah. I think you just have to... My guess is it sounds like one of those things where it's something you're sensitive about right now and you're sensitive to. So every time it happens, my guess is there's this kind of

inner dialogue of, happened again. I'm alone again. I'm the third wheel again. I'm the fifth wheel again, and things like that. I think you just kind of have to stop that. I really prodded myself when I was thinking of being a good third or fourth wheel. And I wasn't always that way. But I also had another friend who was the opposite. And I just remember being like, I don't want to act like him type of thing. You're only 27. You're going to find someone. You just will. You know, I think you just have to have that belief that it's going to happen. It's just, you know, it usually just doesn't happen when you like,

and you just have to be patient about it. So the worst thing you can do right now is make a, it's not even a bad situation, but by making a situation feel like a bad situation by constantly beating yourself up every time it happens. Like you have to, you just really have to like control your thoughts and stop being like, well, here we go again. Like you can still have fun at a wedding. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. And I did. And I am a good, you know, I'm always down to be a third wheel. I have good relationships with my friends, partners. It is just more the big events where I'm like, yep, I'm the only one alone again. Can I read you something? Because I went through something similar. I've been third wheeling since

I was 12. And I ended something before I had a couple weddings this fall. And it does remind you of being alone. I was encountering people I went to school with and grew up with who were like, this is my husband and my child. And I was like, what am I doing wrong? So I reached out to my friend who's basically a sister. She's in her early to mid 30s because I know she ended something right before her sister's wedding. And I was like, how do you deal with this kind of stuff? Because I don't want to show up to these events by myself. This is normal and honestly just gets worse as you get closer to my age, but so important to just find ways to feel good about yourself and the fact that you're being discerning about who you want to spend your entire life with. Every time I worry about this, I think about the fact that even if I found my person in six-ish years when I'm 40, I'll still hopefully have 40 plus years with that person for a blissful life because they'll be right. Did she read my book? It's like a quote out of my book. She did not.

I was just thinking that's so similar to the parts in the book that really resonated with me. Yeah. And she said, the plus ones are hard and not sure how helpful this is, but I've never had one. And it's like the thing I'm most excited about when I find the next love of my life. But I also just think whenever that happens and whoever that is eventually is going to be the best ever because I took the time and people it did to get to them. So she said, I know it kind of sucks, but these are some of the things I think about. Yeah, no, that's really helpful. And it does remind me of the parts of don't text your ex happy birthday that really did resonate with me and feel, you know, like I remember Nick, that there was a part in the intro that you said, you know,

everyone asks, why are you still single at, you know, whatever age? And you say, I just haven't found my person yet you know i'm trying to figure out what i was the line i haven't someone i haven't found someone worth my time yet yes exactly and i think that's just it though right because there's no secret sauce of you just like getting over this right there will be moments of feeling down about it it's just constantly trying to not feel down about it. And I know that can be exhausting if every time you have to convince yourself not to be down, but I think you just really have to be more overall comfortable with where you're at.

How many of your friends are going back to school and investing in themselves like you are by going to school part-time? None. None. Yeah. You know why part of the reason why? It's because they're too busy trying to make these relationships work. I mean, there's something to be said about that. Relationships take up your emotional energy and time, even the good ones. And there's a lot of people who wish they had the time to invest in themselves and go back to school, and you're doing that.

And the older you get, the harder it gets to do that. And you're doing it now at a time in your life where hopefully you're going to be able to do what you love and you're not going to regret investing in yourself. So just that alone, if you're comparing, well, think about the things that you get to do that they're not doing. And then going to school and investing yourself

is a big thing. What are you going to school for? So I'm going back to try and get into a general nursing program, but I eventually want to do psychiatric nursing. I work in mental health. Yeah. You know how many people go to college or don't go to college? Either way, a lot of people are going to college. They don't know what they want to do at 18, 19, or 20. So they get some degree, whatever. Then they graduate and then they have a job they kind of like or hate or don't love. And then they spend the rest of their lives talking about

wishing they could do something else, but they don't have the time, the free time to do that because they settled down early, got married, had kids, and now they're like 30, 35. Half those marriages end in divorce. And then they're just like, oh shit, do I go back to school now? I'm like 35. I mean, you know, listen, I don't know what's going to happen with all your friends and I'm sure that they're all going to be great and I'm rooting for all of them. But you know what I'm saying? Like, I think you just have to try to remember stuff like that. And if you're going to compare, compare, give yourself some credit too. You know, the things that you're doing differently than them that they haven't done or they're not doing that you're going to benefit from.

Yeah, no, that's a really good way of looking at it. And I honestly have not been able to do that yet. And that's just really reassuring to think about. So yeah. Thank you. Yeah. And I'm sure it's great to go to a wedding and then when they're like, oh, for all the couples out there, let's slow dance. Great. But a lot of those people who leave the wedding, when they're alone in their thoughts, when they are approaching 30, they might say, I hate what I do. I don't love what I do. I want to go back to school. I want to do something else, but like, I can't afford it because I have two kids I have to worry about and take care of or et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Like, you know, and a lot of people make that work out too, but like focus on the positive aspects of the fact

that you're single and what that gives you and what you're able to do. And then take advantage of the freedom that you have with making adventurous choices and trips and things like that and be open to making new friends. There are plenty of single women out there your age with the same desires, who have the same interests, and look to make new friends. Doesn't mean you have to replace the old friends. I've made a lot of great friends in my life after 27 years old. A lot. Many, you know, meaningful friends. So I encourage you to try to do that and focus on that. I think you'd be pleased to know that I actually made a friend after your, well, at your book signing.

Great. Yay. And we still keep in touch and we text about The Bachelor all the time. That's great. More of that energy, right? So do that. And I think if you keep building on that, you'll take the pressure off and then you'll be able to value those friendships and be the fun third wheel when you hang out with those friends, but accumulate some more single friends who are in the same stages in the life that you are at. Because that's the thing. Some of your old school friends are moving on to different stages in your life and you are just constantly comparing your stage of life to theirs, but you're forgetting about the fact that they don't have the time to go back to school like you. Oh, yes. That's so true. I never think of

it that way. I guess I just get frustrated that I do go on dates and I'm like, nothing's clicking. But yeah, no, you're right. I should focus more on the good situation that I do have and less on, you know, the fact that it's not clicking and other people do have it clicking. Yeah. And like Ellie's friend said, or like in my book, you know, like you are, you're doing something right because you are not just falling in love with every date that you have, you know, and you're taking your time and that's good and it'll, it'll happen. Just keep putting yourself out there. And yes, it, it does get exhausting. You know, it is like working hard, but like you are, I guess, deal with that. Right. Like some people were like, Oh, like, I don't want to date. It's so exhausting. It's kind of like,

yeah. And no one ever said it was going to be fun, but we all, we all do things like there's parts of our school that are exhausting, but you're doing it because there's like a means to an end, right? There's working out is exhausting, but we do that because we want to be in our best shape. So like often setting ourselves up for excess can be exhausting often, but at least we know we're working towards something and whether it's dating or whether it's going to school, you're working towards something. So we have to stop like having these unrealistic expectations of what dating is supposed to be. It can be fun in the moment. You can enjoy it, right? But it can get exhausting and it gets more exhausting

where you're constantly like hoping that this is the one, you know, every date you go on, you know, just like treat it like meeting new people and be curious about these people and treat it like I'm just trying to meet friends, even if it's on dates. I'm just trying to meet a friend and maybe we'll see if there's something romantic there. And I think, you know, take the pressure off and you might be able to enjoy it a little bit more. Yeah, no, that's helpful. And especially the part that you mentioned of like focusing on investing in myself and all the positives of that, of that, because, you know, when it's you in the situation and it's emotional, it's hard to think that way. So it's really helpful to hear your outside perspective. So thank you. It's really helpful. I appreciate

you calling in. Thank you so much, Nick. It's really helpful. Well, I appreciate you calling in. Thank you so much, Nick. It's been great. All right. Thanks for reading the book. Keep us updated. Check in in a few months and let us know how things are going. I'm right there with you, sister, but it'll pay off in the long term, I think.

Thank you so much, guys. All right. Well, take care. Okay. Thank you, too. Bye. Bye-bye. How's it going?

Hi. Good, Nick. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Claire. I'm 24. How can I help, Claire?

So I'm kind of reaching out in regards to a situation with a best friend of mine and how she is when she has a boyfriend. She kind of becomes non-existent. She's an amazing, amazing friend when she doesn't have a boyfriend. But when she does, she kind of like drops off the face of the earth and we don't see her for months on end. So it kind of started back in college. She had never had a boyfriend before and she got her first boyfriend junior year of college. We had kind of known who the guy was.

And right off the bat, we weren't very supportive. And we kind of were like, we don't think it's a good idea for you to see him. And she kind of was like, no, he's different with me. He's, you know, like he's great. He's been respectful and all that sort of stuff. We had known that he was dealing drugs at the time and he was kind of disrespectful towards women we'd known him for a couple years so she dated him for about eight months and we kind of after having an intervention with her about it kind of just stopped talking to both of them even though we were living together at the time so she didn't go out we all turned like 21 that year and she never went out to the bar with us so she's kind of like isolated herself with him so that was her first boyfriend and then

saw guys after that and now she has this new boyfriend and we he's better than the first boyfriend but we still don't see her at all like so did she after she broke up with the drug dealer was there kind of a a reconnecting of the friendship or did there was there was yeah so she kind of reached out and was like i realized like how shitty he was and i want to rekindle our friendship so all of us were like yeah like absolutely we're here for it like we know that he was the problem like he called us all these horrible names to our faces when they were dating like he was just outwardly disrespectful and rude so she kind of was like, I'm working on myself.

And like, I love to like continue to be friends and build that up again. And so we did. And it was great. And like when she's single, she's fabulous. Like she's so supportive and just, she's there all the time and she goes out with us.

She's so much fun. Like, but then when she has a boyfriend, it's like the complete opposite. Like we can't even get ahold of her. and how long has she been dating this new guy i think about a year and a half a little over a year and a half it's been a while yeah she follows the faces of the earth right away yeah it was kind of like i think we were expecting to get to know him as soon as she was comfortable with him like obviously they go through the whole beginning to get to know each other, if they're going to date.

And they started dating and it kind of kept going on. I don't know. We just never, like, we don't know him at all. Like we've hung out with him once and it was me and my ex hung out with him and it was horrible. Like it was just not a good experience at all. What was horrible about it?

So my ex had moved into a new place and we were like, oh, this is great. Like we can all hang out as a couple because I don't see you like by yourself. So we're trying to try to meet in middle. The boyfriend showed up blacked out by like 9 a.m. after like slugging beers on an empty stomach and then like continued to drink all day. And is there a current boyfriend? He was blackout at 9 a.m. A.M.

Was it like St. Patrick's Day or? A.M. No, it was a regular Saturday. Like it was. Game day 9 a.m a.m was it like st patrick's day or a.m no it was a regular saturday like it was game day he was just excited to like go out yeah what are we pre-gaming for yeah what was brunch oh all right i guess and that was the last time you hung out that was the last time you saw him yes that was the last time i saw him actually did you talk about that with your friend well we we did because i ended up getting in, like, a fight, and it made my ex and I really uncomfortable, too. Like, we were, like, it was a very small.

They got in a fight at the, yeah, because he, like, I don't know, something happened at the bar we weren't aware of. And so they came home, and, like, it's a one-bedroom apartment, so they were on the couch. And we, like, couldn't leave the room because they were, like, screaming at each other, like, screaming, crying. And, like, we talked about it the next day, day and she was like, oh, he was just drunk. Like it was fine. But we didn't discuss like the how drunk he was all day. And I don't think he's not like a bad person. I think he was anxious to meet us.

And it just kind of like all ensued in one. And have you made attempts to hang out with his friend one on one? Yeah. So we live fairly close to each other. And so I kind of, we had big transitions coming out of college. And so we tried to do things here and there. When I went through the breakup, she was like the most supportive friend. I kind of met her in the middle, like I had nothing else to do. So we kind of did a bunch of stuff together. That was like five, six months ago now. So yeah, I've tried to reach out in ways of like,

hey, we're all doing this this weekend. And it's, oh, nope, I'm going to be with the boyfriend. I'm like, all right, okay. Well, like what if, like, I'm really busy, but like, what if we did this day? She goes, oh, well, like I have a workout class or like I have dinner with so-and-so and it never follows up, never reschedules. Like you have to book like a month in advance to see her, which is just really bizarre. So.

How old is she? She's my age. She's 23. Okay. She's a year younger. I mean, listen, I, it just, she doesn't want to make it a priority. You know, like when my first thought is like, maybe she just, well, she knows she already dated someone that you didn't like, the drug dealer. That didn't go well. I don't think this is just it.

I don't think this is just it. But there's maybe an element of, like, she doesn't, like, have you hang around him because you've already judged her exes and her partners in the past. And she doesn't want to be judged for it now. I'm sure there's maybe some truth to that. But, like, you're not seeing her at all. and she doesn't want to be judged for it now i'm sure there's maybe some truth to that but like you're not seeing her at all you know she's not making time to be your friend no and that's like the biggest like it's so odd because it's not like she's a consistently like flaky friend and like add the boyfriend into the mix and like you just never see her like when she doesn't have a

boyfriend it is like night and day like it is you see her all the time she's super engaged in the conversation she's asking about your life and she's super involved then like as soon as I be like when you're both in relationships like we we even like the same thing we both talked all the time and then as soon as like my whole friend group kind of became single it was like we were the bad guys like we were the bad guys. Like we were never like we've tried. We've seen my other best friends and I from college have seen each other every single weekend in the past like six months since the breakup. We go out and like we've done girls weekends and we've invited her every single time.

And there was an excuse every single time. And so we just stopped inviting her. It's just so bizarre because he's not like, from what we know, he's not a bad guy. Like he doesn't post her on anything. He doesn't make it like they're not super all over each other on social media. Well, I don't think it's him. I have no reason to think it's him. I think it's her. Yeah. You mentioned in your email that when she broke up after she broke up with her first boyfriend, the drug dealer, you were really worried about her. And like she had hair falling falling out like it was a very extreme situation and so i don't know how relevant those details is in terms of like what the fallout looks like after

the fact and how much kind of concern about where she'll be then is also like a factor in like she had hair falling out because of how her stresses of the relationship ending kind of thing? Yeah. It was her first relationship. And I think she thought that she had lost all of her friends. And he was horrible to her. And once they broke up, she realized, I don't have anybody. No one's on my side anymore. We thought that after that first experience of, okay, I myself, like I'm not going to do that again.

Yeah. That doesn't happen often. Some people just have this like gene of like really. Going to boyfriend island. Yeah. Even, and like it's, it is weird when you feel like they're going to learn their lesson and they don't. Yeah, guys do that too. And listen, that might make them a great partner and really fixated on the right person if they're dating the right person. We don't know

if this guy's the right person or wrong person. You know she has a track record of dating the wrong person. We all have a track record of dating the wrong person. So as far as your friend, yeah. So I think you're better off, like this is not really about him. It doesn't seem like, you have no reason to think it's about him. It's about her not being able to kind of prioritize various friendships and relationships and how to kind of balance them out. But it sounds like, have you ever just said, hey, I'd really like to, I miss you. I'd really like, because right now it sounds to me like you are trying to include her and all the things that the friend group is doing. And then maybe a few times reach out independently and said, hey, would you like to get together? But have you ever really reached out and said,

hey, how you been? It's been a while. I miss you. Can we make an effort to get together? Well, I know I'm busy. You're busy. I'd really like to see, I just like to catch up with you. Not a double date, just you and her. And then when you're sitting down with her at a nice meal, you catch up, you ask about her boyfriend, hopefully she's happy and, and just say, Hey, listen, I'm glad if she's happy, you say, I'm glad you're happy, but I do miss you as a friend. And I'd love for us, you know, and if you have other priorities, but like, I miss you as a friend. And if you could, I'd love for you to see you more. And I'd love for you to prioritize that a little bit. And I'm hoping you want to too. And if not, and she doesn't, but at least you'll get your answer. But I think you definitely have to like sit her down and let her know that you miss her friendship. And if she's

like other people I know who are like that, she'll probably respond positively. You know, especially if you don't like make it like she has to be defensive. You're just like, Hey, like, I'm glad you're, you know, you're happy or whatever, but I do miss you. And I hope we can hang out more. I would save the whole, like, you're such a better friend when you don't have a boyfriend. Yeah. And that's kind of a hard conversation to have with someone. Like, I think of like my friends and putting effort into them, like long-term and like, if this is going to keep keep happening like the first time was more of like an outlier we thought like I don't want to have someone in my life that I that I constantly have to like base my support off of like if they have a partner or not like I know my other group

of friends are like consistently great friends and super there and like all the time partner, no partner. I think in real life, like I would reach out and say like, oh, I miss you so much. Like, how are things? And then like, like I'd have to keep putting an effort to like continue this. And then like, say they break up and like things go back to normal again or things get better. And then she gets another boyfriend three years later. You're getting ahead of yourself. I guess this all might be possible, but at the end of the day, what's the day, that's not going to happen. You'll just stop being friends.

And as a 23-year-old, your friends are going to evolve and change. You're not going to keep all the friends you had in college. Groups always get smaller. They just do. It's a lot easier to have a larger group of friends when you're all like, which frat we're going to, or whatever party, or what bar, and the group of guys. You go out as a posse.

The groups always shrink as you get older that this friendship will almost certainly evolve whether you're friends or not you can still be friends and like she can just be a friend you don't see as often but in the short term instead of worrying about like what you're going to do if she breaks up with this guy and in the back and forth i think you should have a conversation it sounds like you've never had with her and don't like call her up and say, let's like catch up over the phone. First try to say, Hey, I miss you. Like I'd really love us to like make an effort to get together for dinner because you know, I'd like to catch up with you and say that, see if she's willing to like do that. And if she's not, I mean, yeah. Yeah. Like do it on her terms. Like I'm just as equally busy and I offer a couple of things and she's like not i mean yeah like do it on her terms like i'm just as equally busy

and i offer a couple things and she's like well we could do like this thing together because it fits her schedule and it's yeah it sounds like i mean there might be a there might be a part of you that's kind of like expecting her yeah to do her part but right now if you're if listen you called up in hopes to like figure out how toage a friendship is essentially how to do that. So if that's what you want to do, then you have to stop worrying about who's right or who's wrong or who should go first or whose fault it is and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Just do what you need to do to salvage this friendship and what you need to do because she might not be like literally noticing a problem. For someone who has a hard time having balance between their like romantic and their friendships, this is how they roll. It's a problem for you, for sure. You don't know if it's a problem for her. And there's a good bet that she's

generally happy in this relationship and she's just lost touch. And maybe there's some selfishness on her part to assume that her friends are going like pick back up for where she left off because she's definitely a needy person. Would you agree? Yes. You know, but she's getting these needs met from someone else, her boyfriend. And that's why she, when she doesn't have a boyfriend, she needs to fill those needs somewhere else. Take that into account that your friend is needy, whatever, but you sit down with her and just tell her how you feel on face to face. But like you do that after you catch up and you hear the nice things and you say how it's nice to hear how she's happy but you miss her and like listen i wouldn't get into the whole like you're a better friend when you're single i you can have that conversation if she breaks up with him and comes

back then that's a time to say listen obviously i always want to be your friend but like it is frustrating and i'm not saying this to like say we're not I don't want to be friends with you. Next time you find someone, can we not lose touch again? Just don't fall off the face of the earth. We don't have to hang out all the time. Is there like a way to so like something that was great with all my other friends is and with my ex, like we would integrate all of his friend group and my friend group like we'd all hang out together. And I don't know. I've hung out with him twice in over a year and a half span and i don't know his friends i don't know

anything that goes on and like i'd like to like i think that would be sure i think you need to figure out from her whether she wants to make this friendship a priority or not because if she doesn't what's the point because she's probably friends with his friends. Yeah, she is. I think, yeah, you have to have a one-on-one conversation with her and kind of reset about this friendship, how much of it is a priority for either of you. You might catch up and be like, well, you know, you seem good. I'll talk to you in two years. I mean, and some friendships as adults are like that. You just, you keep in touch sporadically,

but you're not hanging out anymore. You're not each other's ride or dies. She's not going to be the person you go to for your problems, but at least you can connect. So I think meeting up next and catching up is about kind of checking in and being like, where are you at with all this? And just be vulnerable and express your desire

to have a better relationship with than you have with her now. And you be vulnerable and express your desire to have a better relationship with than you have with her now. And you would like to go out of your way to make it a priority. And you just want to see her more and you'd love to. But let's first find out whether she is even interested in being your friend or does she just make excuses like,

well, you know, I know, but I'm just busy and blah, blah, blah. You'll get a sense of whether she really wants to be your friend or not. I mean, she wants to be your friend, but like whether she wants to like rekindle this friendship. Otherwise she'll be like, you know what? You're right. We should, we totally should. Like I do miss you and I would like to see you more. She'll bring that energy and they might not last, you know, she, you know, but like, you'll know if she's generally like not interested. Like all of our friends are single now. And like, is there a way, like, do you think that's part of it? Or do you think it's like just the friendship itself? It could play a role, but it sounds to me this is more about just her personality trait. And she says it's a hard time balancing it out. And yeah, I guess in the past you guys made her feel like a little judged. And yeah, if you guys are all like out there hunting for boys when you go out and you're all like on the prowl. Like, yeah, it's not the same for someone in a relationship. I think you need to accept that if you want a friendship with this friend, that friendship is going to be different than what you have,

what you had with her in the past and what you currently have with your other friends. It sounds like you're not that many years removed from like the college days and like the girl gangs of like all going out. And for the most part, that nucleus has stayed intact. But this one friend has evolved and moved on healthier. You don't really know where she's at. That's fine. And you'd have to decide yourself, do you want to maintain this friendship,

but just have it be slightly different than these other friendships? Or do you only have time for the friends who are going to be part of your little posse and gang and go out and have the same interest? There's no wrong answer. You have to also decide for yourself what type of friendship you have. And if you're willing to have this friendship evolve into something different than what was, then I think there's a chance to have a relationship

there. And then see if you can make her creative environment that makes her feel more comfortable to hang out with you guys and bring her boyfriend around. But there's nothing wrong with her maybe not being down to go out to the bar because she sounds like a person who has a hard time like having balance in her life. So she just, she's kind of more of the extremes. And like, that's just, it might be a personality trait. Maybe just accept who she is.

Just try to work with what you got and then value the friendship you can have. And also accept that it's just not going to be what it was. You have to get over that hurdle because I'm sensing a little bit of like, you changed. And if you want to be friends with us, you need to change back. And I think friendships that last like over time, both people are changing and adjusting and accepting the new friendships because people do get in romantic relationships and priorities do change and time is limited. And, you know, we're not

always going to have the same interest but like some friends you're just like they're my friend they're like family and i always want them in my life even if it's sporadic even if we're only just like checking in some of my best friends in my life like i talk to like not very often you know what's always kind of weird too right because i live in la and some of my hometown friends like live in milwaukee right and i'm always feeling like i never get to see them because i live in la and then when i go home for the holiday i go home like three times a year right and i'm always feeling like i never get to see them because i live in la and then when i go home for the holiday i go home like three times a year right and i'm always like making an attempt to like catch up with people and i'm thinking they're all hanging out all the time but usually

i'm the reason those friends who live like blocks away from each other get to see each other because you know they're married with kids and they have shit going on you know yeah and like that's only gonna like that's that's gonna happen to you as you get older and settle down and and you know and like that's only gonna like that's gonna happen to you as you get older and settle down and you know so you just you have to evolve too you know it's not just

your friend changing something to consider but in the meantime reach out to your friend tell her that you miss her tell her that you'd like to see her more sit down with her

have it be a positive like dinner date and then go from there love that no that's helpful alright take care good luck alright you too keep us posted wanna know you wanna follow I will no I will a positive dinner date, and then go from there. Love that. No, that's helpful. All right. Take care. Good luck. All right.

You too. Keep us posted. Want to know. You want to follow up? I will. No, I will. All right. Take care.

All right. Thanks, Nick. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatcastme.com. Cast with a K. See you back on Wednesday for our update episode.

Don't miss that. It's a doozy. A lot of good updates. Bye.