The Viall Files - E524 Ask Nick - Meet-Cute on the Car Lot

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re here again to bring on our callers and help them navigate the world of dating, relationships, and situationships! Before getting to our callers, Ali gives an update about meeting someone in her improv class, we talk about our upcoming new show, and we get into Amanda’s breakup song of the week! We then get into our callers! Our first caller is struggling with her boyfriend not doing a lot of the things she wants him to do, inside the bedroom and out. She wonders how to approach the subject of getting him to do more and if they may just not be compatible. Our next caller started dating her car salesman, worried that this may end up being a situationship waiting to happen. Our last caller wonders what to do after seeing that the guy she’s been dating for a month has received messages from his ex. Panicking and asking him to define the relationship afterwards, and him reacting poorly, she wonders if she was overreacting to a situation or if these are genuine red flags she should be worried about.  “He ghosted you on Christmas when you had plans?”  If you are interested in running a book club in your city, send an email to: [e-mail]  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 Check out our new "Introvert" merch at http://www.viallfiles.com today! If you would like to get some advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Office Hours” in the subject line!  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Babbel: Right now, get up to 55% off your subscription when you go to http://www.Babbel.com/viall. Babbel—Language for life. ZocDoc: Go to http://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. Grammarly: Go to http://www.Grammarly.com/podcast to sign up for an account and download! And when you’re ready to upgrade to Grammarly Premium, get 20% off. DraftKings: Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code VIALL New customers can bet FIVE DOLLARS on the NFL and get TWO HUNDRED IN FREE BETS INSTANTLY. Only at DraftKings Sportsbook with code VIALL.  Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. See show notes for details. Gambling Problem? Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MD/MI/NJ/PA/TN/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MD/MI /NJ/ NY/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. VOID IN OH/ONT. Eligibility restrictions apply. Free bets: Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 bet. $200 issued as free bets that expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded.  See terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/footballterms. No Sweat: Valid 1 offer per customer per day of NFL 2023 Wild Card Round. Opt in req each day. First bet must lose after opting in. NFL bets only. Paid as one (1) free bet based on amount of initial losing bet. Max $10 free bet awarded. Free bets expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded. See terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/footballterms. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You can listen to The Vile Files ad-free on Amazon Music. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of The Vile Files Ask Nick Edition. I'm Nick, joined by by ally in studio amanda in new york at my grandparents house my grandfather went to the podiatrist today it was a big deal do your grandparents live like in manhattan yeah they live on the upper west side they're like very cool like grandparents do you have like stuffy rich grandparents no no they're like there's crown molding behind you i don't mean stuff in a bad way, but your grandparents live on the Upper East Side. West Side. It's upper Jewish.

Even richer, I believe. No, Upper East Side is more like bougie. Upper West Side is more- It's just different versions of money. It's still money. I'm not an expert in this, but I was under the impression the Upper West Side was really kind of that old money. Well, Upper East, yeah. I think Upper East is old. Upper East is? I think Upper East is more old money.

Upper West is still, like, they're, like, very, very grateful. They're doing very well. Either way, that looks like a lovely, lovely place. How do we keep this in the family? Yeah. Is that? Well, I think because my grandfather, like, emigrated to the U u.s when he was a kid and like had to like fight in world war ii to get a citizenship and like leave nazi germany like he has like a very

intense sense of work ethic so the prerogative is kind of like instill that within your like don't pass along money pass along work ethic is kind of the vibe do they own it or do they pay rent these are important questions man amanda Can we get my grandpa in the room? Can we get Walter? Is he the one teaching you German? Ja, ja. Ja, ja. Ja, ja.

Ich bin ja. Deutsch. How many, what's the square footage? Yeah, where are we located? Can we call the building? I don't know what the square footage in my grandparents' apartment is. This is New York real estate. Exactly.

Do you guys want to go through your family and talk about the square footage and property value for them? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. It's not that. That's for sure. Let's start in South Dakota. Phyllis is in a home. You just kind of, you went up in my book knowing that you have grandparents living on the Upper West Side. I feel like Walter should write a how-to book. You're a little cooler to me this morning. Oh, really? My grandfather's a badass. He publishes a blog on Forbes, even though he's 98. He published at 6 a.m. on Monday morning,

Eastern time. He's technically retired, but he worked in real estate analysis stuff. He's so with it still, and he's very intense. Wait, your grandfather, who owns an apartment on the Upper West Side, who's a real estate analysis who writes for Forbes.

Wait, what did I, realty. No, wait, what am I trying to say? Shopping. What's the word for shopping? Why am I going crazy? Retail. Retail. I really felt like a crazy person.

It's all, he does all like retail stuff. Oh, because I thought like, how are you not like learning all the real estate ins and outs? No, but every time, anytime I go to the mall, he's like, how many people were in the stores? Did it look crowded? Were the Macy's mannequin on camp? Interesting.

So more from a marketing kind of traffic retail standpoint. Okay. Totally. What's new with you, Allie? I went on a date. Yay. When? Sunday night.

Oh, in the new year. Wait, a New Year's Day date? Mm-hmm. You went on a date January 1st. Yeah. Wow. So you're celebrating a holiday together. Wow, yeah.

We're getting married. Why don't you just get together for Christmas while you're at it? Because we weren't here. How'd it go? It was good. It was good. No, it was very spontaneous. We were supposed to, I think we're still getting together on Friday.

How'd you meet? Improv. Wait. Ali, who? You know who it is. Oh my God. Okay. Yeah. And he was like telling me, he was like, my strategy was going to be to befriend Amanda. You went on a date from improv class. Yeah. That's what I'm saying, people. Love happens. I feel like you owe us an apology. No, I don't. No, I don't. Kicking and screaming.

I will continue to kick and scream. Why? I don't like it, but I'll go. I'll finish. Then how do you like this job? This job is improv. This job is fun. But it's improv. But it's fun. Oh.

And I get paid. Well, you also get to take an improv class for free. Which is huge. I don't have to pay for free. Allie, please continue improv. Are you getting better? Is she getting better? Oh my God, yes.

Well, it's not about like, I feel like Allie is always like, she studied acting. Like she's always going to be very skilled in the theater department. And I just feel like you're having, it seems like you're having more fun. You're staying in improv. Nope.

Oh, we got a few more weeks left. Even my mom at Christmas was like, okay, so you have four classes left. You have one absence saved. So technically you just have three left. No, you have to go to all of them and you will be doing more. Nope.

Sorry. One and done. You're be doing more. Nope. Sorry. One and done. You're definitely doing it. Nope. So, okay. So the date, what did you guys do? And did he DM you on Instagram? Like how did this like come to be?

Yeah. He asked for my Instagram like after one class and I was like, slick. And then, but he didn't message me for like another week. And then I think it was the week after that I was like, okay, let's get this off of DM. And I was like, okay, I need your thoughts on my scene. Text me. And then I sent him my number.

He said that or you said that? I said that. Because I was like, let's get out of DM land. And what did he say? Is he good at improv, Amanda? Yes. I'm trying to remember him. Why is he taking improv?

Because he's like in the entertainment space, acting, shows, all sorts of multiple things happening. Multiple irons in the fire. Okay. Yeah, he strikes me as like a sweet theater boy who's not like one of the ultra loud ones. That's his name, sweet theater boy. Sweet theater boy.

Sweet theater boy. Oh my God. And he's very tall. He is. He's very tall. He's like what, like six feet tall or something? He's 6'3". What a save. Oh my God. He's very tall. He's very tall. He's like what, like six feet tall or something? He's 6'3". What a save.

Oh my gosh. He's very tall. Sweet theater boy, he's at least tall. Everyone listening is like, oh, oh, okay, he's fine. Sounds good. He's fine. But okay, so how was the date? And also, do you think there will be like sexual tension in improv classes now?

No. Because I feel like that's hot and fun. No. I told him, I was like, we're not doing scenes together. And he was like, smart. Okay. Sounds good. Oh, that just builds the tension.

Yeah. I just, I think it's going to be too, like, we're not. That's going to be my one rule. Did you guys make out? Yeah. Where? At one of your places? Yeah.

You had him over? Mm-hmm. Dirty, dirty. I'm kidding. He's like, clever girl. I felt wrong to say. Oh my God. So do you like him?

You're interested? Okay, wow. I like that he's like transparent and communicative and not like fuck boy. I'm rooting for your happiness, but I'm not necessarily rooting for you both to be in relationships this year. I haven't ever been in a relationship on this show. I know. You can't just like keep me in single town. I'm not.

We're actively, but like, I'm just. So I'm seeming like sabotage for my relationship. I mean, really like maybe you'll start. Yeah. Amanda's had a year.

Yeah. She's had a very lovely year. Maybe she's due for a breakup. I'm kidding. No, you know, you never know. It's had a very lovely year. Maybe she's due for a breakup. I'm kidding. No, you know, you never know. It's still in the first year. Yeah, you never know. You never know.

Things could go south. Also, this is after one date, so let's not take me off the market right now. But it's a date that's been vetted. Like, I feel like a date like that where you've seen this man, like, you learn so much about people in improv class because they can say anything they want to

and what they choose is very telling about their character. So, like, you've really, like, seen this man, like you learn so much about people in improv class because they can say anything they want to and what they choose is very telling about their character. So like you've really like seen this man in a very like kind of like vulnerable. He definitely does. Yeah. No, he's a sweet theater boy. How old is he? 22.

22? Rawr! Wow. I love that because I feel like that's another thing. He would get snapped up because like a man of quality who's looking for like commitment. Also, I was thinking about that. I was like, he has so many things going for him right now.

And the guy that I went on three dates with who was 32 was like unemployed. So I'm like, is it really about age? No. Well, I mean, it can be at times. Yeah. It's a data point. Next steps. Next steps.

What are we? See him on friday you see him oh we have a date plan who set the next step well friday was always our original date and then i was flying home on sunday and he was like you're like i just want to see you so bad he was like what are you up to today i was like i don't know and he was like we should do something you should have made him pick you up from the airport he offered what oh yeah he offered to pick you up from the airport the original date was he was going to take me to bars in his neighborhood and he was going to come drive to me pick me up go to his and then bring me back what neighborhood he lives in downtown okay so like not too far i know but i was like i have

work at 8 a.m tomorrow morning so we're doing something in my neighborhood power move make him come to you home field advantage take it real slow with him especially if you the more you like him early on i think take it slow with him well it's like one of it's like one of those things it's like like when they like offer you to pick you up at the airport for a first date like charming sweet like awesome but it's just like okay it's like you file in the could be too good to be true category. And it's early. So you want to see if that kind of performance can be consistent over time and not just to impress type of thing. I think one thing that is incredibly promising about this

is that I think he has a very healthy relationship with masculinity from what I've observed about him over the few weeks that I've known him. Great. And we're going to talk about masculinity with Justin Baldoni this week on Going Deeper. Amazing. What a nice segue. Because I think, Allie, you need someone who's like okay with. Where is this coming from?

No, because like I think you are someone who has your shit together and you're very like you're very connected to yourself and your wants and your goals. And like you're not afraid to like vocalize needs and how you want it. And I think for like people who have like a more insecure relationship with masculinity, like I feel like that's where the whole like, Oh, like nagginess,

like, you know, like I feel like that's just like someone who's like not comfortable with someone who's not like ultra submissive. And I feel like it's a very good balance where like, it seems like he is both like ambitious and kind of on your level in a lot of those ways, but also very comfortable having someone who's like down to call the shots in certain capacities,

which you very much are. I think we should just go on a second date before we try to psychoanalyze the guy and this relationship. But it sounds promising. Young theater boy. That's his name. Sweet. Sweet theater boy. We don't need to throw young in there.

Sweet. No, I almost like Young Theater Boy. Widow Theater Boy. Widow Nepo Baby. It makes it a little more scandalous sounding, which I like. I don't like young boy being a phrase that's like someone I'm dating. He's 22. He's 6'3". I think you're fine. I think we can call him Young Theater Boy.

Young 6'3 Theater Boy. Have fun with the fact that you're three years older than him. So I was recently in Denver for New Year's Eve and I went out with my brother-in-law and we ended up at the bar of a hostel in Denver. So there's people from all walks of life. They have hostels in Denver? Yes. And our bartender was from France. And so I was trying to be polite to her and it required me to Google translate underneath the table. And I said to myself, I need to download Babbel because this is ridiculous. So Babbel helped you out. Yeah.

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Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. Ladies and gentlemen. What are you doing? What do you mean? Just keep it simple. I'm making the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say, hey, we're the Brav Bros.

Two guys that talk about Bravo. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the Brav Bros. No. Oh. Dude, stop with the voice. Just keep it simple. I've seen promos on TV. Dude, this is how you get the fans engaged.

This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get listeners here. If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it already. We need some oomph. All right, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice. Bravo, bros. Good job.

Do you guys remember last week when I was getting over a cold and then the world said, bam, we're going to make it so you can't move your neck or your back? And I was struggling. I do. I do remember. It was awful. I genuinely could not sit up in my bed. And then I had to on a flight. Through ZocDoc? Yes. On my flight. On my flight, I went into ZocDoc. I put in my sister's address, like where I was staying. I found someone in my

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No, I was actually early. So uncharacteristic. But I was power walking. And I have this latency thing with sweat where it's like, I won't sweat while I'm walking. But then when I arrive where I'm going, it will start pouring down. That's like a, I think a pretty standard thing. Okay. So I show up. Because by the time, it's not that you're not sweating when you're running. It's just that you would have started sweating anyways, had you continued, but your body is now at a temperature that it needs to sweat and you just happen to stop running.

I'm sweating heavily. Workout class has not started. If there's a person, a medical expert out there that if I got it wrong, you know, I'm pretty sure what you just described is a very common thing. Well, it was very cool because when I was checking in and I was like, oh, my name is Amanda. One of the like lovely people who's checking me in was like, wait, are you on the bio files? And I was like, yes. And she was like, I love Ask Nick. I listen to it every Monday. And then after class, we were chatting and she told me that she ended a situation of 11 months. And she was like, I'm the one who texts all my friends, like with Nick's advice being like, you have to have needs, et cetera. And I was thinking, okay, this is the thing that has tickled me the most. We weren't strong in New York, yeah. I think we should do a segment called Yay ASMR,

where when someone DMs us and lets us know when they've ended a situation ship, and then we congratulate them, but ASMR style. So it's like, congratulations. I mean, sure, but why? Because I think we need to celebrate people who end situation ships, because that kind of thing is like, only people who are doing it know how hard it is a lot of the time also we invite people i have an idea too if you've ended a situationship send us a voice memo on the vile files dm it's got to be like and try to summarize like what you ended why you ended it and why you

decided to end it and why your fears about ending it but also ultimately why you think it's a great idea and like what was the final straw like what was the thing that made you be like damn i can't keep doing this and send us a voice memo that is ideally less than a minute but definitely less than two i love it if you don't if you want to change your name change your name just like the ethnic people but include your age do the ethnic intro change your name if you want to be anonymous fake name real age fake name real age so when you stop exercising your muscles stop working and generating heat but your body's thermostat is still set to a higher temperature as it gradually resets to a resting state you continue to produce sweat to

cool you down i feel like i just that's kind of what i said right less technical yeah which is i arguably what this show is you saying things in less technical terms that are still usually right usually right like yeah for the most part totally so we have a potential new show idea what would you the audience think of us doing a weekly live audio only live show that's gonna happen sometime around uh friday early evening is, late afternoon, depending on your local location. Which is just getting you guys ready for your upcoming dates or debriefing on dates you've had. And you guys will be able to join the show and you can remain anonymous. And it will be live and me

Allie and Amanda will all be on it and we will give you some tips for upcoming dates we'll talk about your dates some dating app guidance sliding in the dms going and it's just we're going to create a community via a live show you have to have an iphone though for the for the where we're going to have the live show at least for now What if I came up with like a signature cocktail or like a wine for each episode? If you want to. Just make it a little party. No, it's going to be like a little happy hour-ish type of vibe, right? And then we'll help people get ready for dates and people will listen in and you can chime in.

Like where are the friends that you would FaceTime when you have your glass of wine and you're doing your makeup pre-date to talk about it? It's that vibe. We might let some audience people chime in too and give some feedback as well. It'd be very interactive. Have some polls up on the gram

for people to weigh in. Have some polls up. So we're going to do, I think, if you guys are interested, let us know. How can they let us know? DM us.

DM us. We'll put up some stuff on IG Stories. So look for it this Monday. Also, if you're watching this on YouTube, you can leave comments. If you have ideas, we have some working titles for this show. Pre-game. Dating boot camp.

Stuff like that. Yeah. But if you have ideas, you're welcome to pitch us too. Send it in the DMs. More information tomorrow on freestyle and on going deeper about this show. If we do it, the first one's going to be January 20th. Time to be discussed. We're going to kind of create a live dating community.

So for all of you listening, we'll have people like Ask Nick email us dates they might be going on if they want to jump on the show. And then it will be kind of like random people maybe chime in as well. But it should be fun. Live kind of pregame for dates or just talk about dates you went on, things like that. So that's going to be exciting on Friday. Ultra quickly, breakup song of the week. Nick, you mentioned SZA. You asked, the people delivered. Someone said, I originally wasn't going to post this because I'm a shy

Norwegian girl. What a mood. But since you actually requested SZA, her song Good Days gave me the strength to leave a bad relationship and i could not be happier than what i'm at now this part essentially was on repeat in my head for a year i try to keep from losing the rest of me i worry that i wasted the best of me on you babe you don't care so check out that breakup song of the week it's on the instagram highlights this is great yeah thank you sisa thank you shine or region girl shine or region girl yeah what a phrase sounds like a like a like my next date on the SZA's great. Thank you, SZA. Thank you, Shine Norwegian Girl. Shine Norwegian Girl, yeah. What a phrase.

She sounds like my next date on the show. Yeah, that's it. Shine Norwegian Girl. Why don't you do a FaceTime date with her? I do not know if she is queer. I have a boyfriend. I am not Megan Fox. Complicated.

It's complicated. It's complicated. All right, so get ready for that new live show on Friday late afternoons, early evenings. It's going to be a blast. I can't wait. We're going to be getting people dates, giving them questions to ask. They're going to report back. It's going to be fun. If your Friday afternoons are kind of slow, or maybe if you decide to stay in stay in with us yeah and watch other people order some food or listen to other people go on dates well they won't be on dates

we'll be getting ready for dates and we'll get updates on on specific dates someone's date it's it's like vile files adjacent it's like ask nick adjacent type of show yeah yeah a little more loose january 20th yeah loose that's the name get loose get Viall. All right, well, we have some great callers. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknick at theviallfiles.com. We have a new email address because fun new things are abound. Don't forget we have Justin Baldoni, the author of Man Enough and Boys Will Be Human, to talk about all things masculinity and dating and life. And obviously we'll get into all things pop culture, do a texting office hour with Justin.

Especially if you're a guy out there who maybe is looking for some dating advice or have a friend who's a guy, we always invite guys to write in. But with Justin being our guest for texting office hours, feel free to write in. If there's a lady that you are pursuing and want to shoot your shot,

email us at asknick at thevilefiles.com. And tomorrow for freestyle, we'll be breaking into the bios of the women that will be pursuing the love of Zach, our future bachelor. It's a better way of saying than Zach's women. Yeah, I agree. Don't say that. Don't say that. Don't say that. We don't want it. Yeah. The women who are pursuing the love of Zach. Zach's heart. We're autonomous. Yeah. Anyway, so we'll be doing that tomorrow. Justin Baldoni on Going Deeper. And for all things Ask Nick, don't forget to email us at asknickatthevilefiles.com. And let's get to our callers.

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bar, grab some drinks, and have some good conversations while watching some sports. I think it'll be a great second or third date, even a first date. It'll be some fun. It'll be like, I got a code. Yeah, I know people. I know people. It'll be great. people. It'll be great. How's it going? Hi, I'm Ashley. I'm 20. How can I help Ashley?

So my boyfriend isn't doing a lot of the things that I want him to do in our relationship, including going down on me. What should I do? Okay. All right. Well, I guess my first question is, what are some of the other things that he's not doing in addition to falling short in the oral department? I feel like even the simple things, I feel like he's always very attentive, but he will not, even if I'm sick, very attentive, but he will not, even if I'm sick, he won't get me a glass of water. If I'm picking what movie to watch, he always is very particular. He wants to do things for him that benefit him. And if something doesn't benefit him, he just doesn't want to do it for me. Okay. That's not good. And in the bedroom department, have you talked about him about this with him? Are you, are you going down on him? Okay. Yes, I am. And I feel like,

yeah, that it's just not reciprocated. And like, we've talked about it because so like, okay, quick little backstory. Like one time we were talking about my roommates and my roommate had hooked up with the guy and I was, he was like, Oh, did they have sex? And I was like, no, like she just like, he went down on her. And then he just immediately was like, oh, like that's not my thing. And this was about six months ago. And we're, we've been dating like a year. So I had known he'd, oh, he's 21. And I'd known that like, obviously he'd never done that before, but I, I wasn't sure like his stance on it. We'd never talked about it. And so I asked him, I was like, oh, how come that's not your thing? And he was like, well, with his ex from high school, he was saying that he did that for

her and that he didn't like the taste. So I was like, oh, okay. Yeah, now. Okay. So wait, you asked him why why and he basically referenced a high school experience yes i can tell you my it gets better for any guys out there who yeah i mean like hooking up in high school like we don't it's fucking weird and yeah we don't know how to take care of ourselves and yeah i just i remember i remember

hating it in high school i remember trying it in high school fucking hating it and thinking it was not ideal or pleasant and and then my first girlfriend when we got like serious like i remember like trying it again and having a very different thought about it. So, and so other than that one conversation, that's really the only conversation you had with him about it? Pretty much. Cause I obviously like, don't want him to like, cause if roles were reversed, I would feel weird if he was like pressuring me to do something that like, I didn't want to do

like sexually. Like if I didn't want to like, you know, go down on him, I didn't want to do like sexually. Like if I didn't want to like, you know, go down on him, I wouldn't want him to be like, oh, well, like, you know, but it's just weird. Cause I thought maybe after that convo, he might be like, oh, maybe that's something she wants or it might come up again, but it just hasn't. So I don't really know how to address it. Yeah. I totally respect. And I'm glad that you don't want to pressure him or anything like that. I think there's a middle ground between pressuring him or certainly forcing him to do something and talking about what you like in bed. No, because I'm like,

you don't want to try it once? I don't know. But also more importantly, this isn't the only issue though too. It's like you know it's it seems like acts like it's he's got a real acts of service problem you know yeah like literally you know yeah which is weird because i feel like for a lot of guys acts of service is up there with the love languages do you know what his love language is i feel like he's very attentive like he likes to talk and compliment me and like vice versa, compliment him, be like, oh, you look so cute. So words of affirmation. Yeah. Words of affirmation.

And then, but he never, if you ask him for something, he's not real attentive to that. No. Yeah. He would, he's never gotten me flowers or he even like splits the check, even though I've like paid for meals for him it's just not in his wheelhouse so I don't know like okay well it sounds like acts of service is one of your like love languages yeah I feel like that like I'm willing to like go the extra mile like for the person that I'm with even like in in small things, I'm like not like going to drop a whole bag of money on like someone, but like, just like, oh, like when he's sick, I like went and got him a Gatorade. I'm just like, why doesn't he do that for me? You know? It's an, it's, it's, this is all acts of service, right? Like what you're describing the way you like to make someone feel loved is very acts of service. It's like these little things you like to go out of your way that are maybe even mild inconveniences for you, but you know, or you assume, or you hope

that it's something that they would appreciate to let them know that you care about them. That's so acts of service, right? Now, and he might, that might not be his love language. Certainly that's not my, it might not be how he's used to showing love right that might not be a general comfort level so like that's something you know that's not necessarily an excuse but it might be explanation and it's it's you can maybe do something with that so like a way to approach it instead of saying what you never do this you never never do that, you suck kind of thing. Because when we vent our frustrations, we have a way of complaining about the things that they don't do. And then anytime, especially in a relationship where you highlight the things that they don't do, the first thought is to get defensive and be like, well, I do this.

And he's probably going to be like, I tell you you're beautiful all the time. And all you two are arguing about is love languages. And he's probably gonna be like, I tell you you're beautiful all the time, you know? Literally. And all you two are arguing about is love languages. So I think maybe have a conversation with him about like, hey, I read this book or I saw this thing online about love languages. And I think we should take our love language test together. Because I want to get a better understanding about like, and ask him, does he know about love languages? See what he says.

I feel like he wouldn't. Yeah. But yeah, I'll ask him about it. Now, at a minimum, he should, if you say, hey, this is meaningful to me. I care about this. Can we do this together? He should say yes. If he's like, that's stupid and I don't believe in that and I don't want to look at that,

red flag. When you're in a relationship and anyone in a relationship, there should be like, I don't believe in that and I don't want to look at that, red flag. When you're in a relationship and anyone in a relationship, there should be like, I don't know how to describe what I'm trying to think, but you should have some credits, an inventory of you being able to say, this is meaningful to me, can we do this?

And you both should be able to say this to each other. Hey, this is meaningful to me, can we do this? Whatever it is. Maybe it's him taking you to a sports game or whatever, or whatever. You don't have to have a reason. It's just you enjoy it and you want to try it and you want your partner to try this with you. And you guys should be, you should be generous with you both doing that for each other. And you should try that out and say, you should say, I want us to be able to do that. And so hopefully you say, this is meaningful to me. Let's take this love language quiz or test together.

And the thing about love languages is, again, it's important to know how you love. How do you give love? I give love by, I say with compliments and gifts and acts of service. Maybe you're those three. And then there's how you receive love, right? How you give love and how you receive love might be different. And you could just ask them, like, how do you feel loved? Like, what are the things I do

that make you feel like I care about you? Yeah. Okay. That's very smart. How should I go about, because I feel like the, like, our, like our sex life part of it is kind of, like it's like in that era, but I do feel like it's like a separate kind of combo. Yeah, I think we should table the sex stuff for now. Okay, yeah. I think the first approach is talking about figuring out what's stopping him from doing more acts of services for you that make you feel loved because it's a, it's a love language for you. Part of that is how you feel loved. It might not be the only way you

feel loved, but like, it's something that you would like your partner to do. And it might not come naturally to him, but you could say, Hey, listen, it literally makes me feel cared for and loved when you do something as simple as like, get me a glass of water, especially if I'm not feeling well. It makes me feel like you really care about me when I'm having a bad day and you like take the time to maybe get me a flower or write me a note or just text me how much you care about me, you know, just little acts of service and explain it to him. And instead of you saying, why don't you do that? And you never do that. And you're just saying, this makes me feel closer to you. This just makes me happy. And would you be willing to do that? Yeah. Okay. That's so true.

If he says no, or makes you feel dumb for that, then that's a problem. I wouldn't ignore that. Because what I'm describing and what I'm suggesting you say, super basic, like this is bare minimum stuff in a relationship of expressing your desires and needs that are very reasonable and hoping that he gives a shit and wants to make you a priority. You're basically talking about how you can make each other's needs feel like a priority to the other person. And to be in a successful relationship, you both have to feel like it's a priority for the other person to make you feel loved and happy at times. And hopefully it's reciprocated. And right now it doesn't feel very reciprocated for you. Yeah. I feel like that's definitely like the issue, but yeah.

So awesome. Yeah. Approach it like, hey, there's this new thing. There's, well, not new thing, but there's this love languages and I like a lot of couples do it. And I think I I've heard from a lot of people that it's like a really healthy way to like get on the same page. And I want to do this with you. And would you do this with me and maybe do it on a date, you know, plan a date night, you know, and you can go out to dinner and there's like a hundred online like love languages quiz. And at dinner, you do the love language quiz. Maybe you maybe you find a couple articles for him to read about what it means for love languages. And he should this should matter to him. He should want to do this. Not because he's super into love languages, but like it matters to you. So it should matter to him. to you so it should matter to him that's so true yeah because i would be a little worried that he's gonna be like oh my god this is like a little crazy but i feel like he would do it if i was like hey this means a lot you can make a joke be like i know it sounds corny but like this is like a real this is like a basic kind of like how to be happy in relationships 101 that like all couples

are doing make it sound sound like all the couples. Literally, I'll be like, I saw it on TikTok. So like it's a trend right now. Sure. But like it's more than a trend. Like it's not just something younger people are doing. It's something like every healthy relationship on some level has done, you know, to understand the needs of the other person. Awesome. Thank you so much. Yeah. Now let's assume this all goes well. He's like, you know what? That makes sense. I should do that. I can get you a glass of water. I can get you flowers, things like that. And because I want to make you feel loved. And it's not about him not feeling like, cause right now you're like, why don't you do that? And he's just like, well, because I don't want to. Yeah. And he's like, I'm watching basketball. Why would I do something I

want to do? And you're thinking, well, because I want you to want to make me feel loved. And you kind of almost have to explain that a little bit. Yeah. No, in the future, don't make the mistake of using it as a weapon. Don't use it to test his love. If he's watching a basketball game that he's really into, don't be like, you know what? This is a really good time to see if he gives a shit about me. And ask for a glass of water in the middle of the game.

You know what I'm saying? Don't do it just to see how he responds. Like it should feel organic. You should be able to say this to him as a general, like high level thing. Hey, this, these types of things matter to me. And if I'm having a bad day or et cetera, et cetera, like every once in a while doing this would matter to me. And then you see if he starts giving you glimpses of this and showing this and doing it a little bit. And every once in a while when you ask, hey, can you help me? And he does the thing, that's a good sign. But if it all goes well, it's back to the bedroom. I think you could just say later on, try to do it when you're both on a solid footing, good page. Don't bring it up in a fight or anything like that.

Just say like, Hey, I know you mentioned this, not your thing, but like one, I get you, you know, and just, just talk like, talk like the expert. Listen, like that was in high school. Like we're so much older now. I probably wouldn't want a guy don't doing that to me when I was in high school from what I know now about myself and how I take care of myself and all these things. Like, I don't know if you experienced that back then, but it'd be like, I'm like, things are very different nowadays. I'd love for you to try it. And if you're open to

it, it would really make me feel good and try to gas them up. Like, listen, like just, I know it's not your thing, but just so you know, it's like a secret weapon. I'll be obsessed with you and I'll think you're the greatest person in the bedroom or whatever. Also, do you think he gives a shit how good he is in bed or do you think he just thinks he's good? I feel like it's good. But I feel like maybe one of the reasons he might not want to do this is like he did it one time in high school. I feel like there's like part of it, he might be worried that like he did it one time in high school i feel like there's like part of it he might be worried that like he doesn't do it very well either that might be why he's like adverse to trying it out i mean listen you guys are both young i think it's awkward to have these types of conversations around sex and things like that but it's also part of dating and relationships so

try to like talk to him about like a great starter would be like what are things that you like in bed is there anything that we haven't done that you'd want me to try? And hopefully, hopefully it's a reasonable request. And then hopefully he asks you the same thing, but you, even if he doesn't ask, you'd say, well, there's something I'd like you to try because like, I know it was, you did it once, but trust me, I think it can get a lot better. Different ball game, different person. We were young and stupid and we shouldn't have been like messing around with that type of stuff. Then anyways, it's something I want to try. And I hope that you'd be willing to do that. He's not supposed to be awesome.

You know, like maybe, maybe make each other feel good about like not being sexual dynamos at 20 and 21 years old. Like it's okay to like give each other the vibe of like, let's practice on each other almost. Like, so let's try things out. It's okay if it got a little awkward or weird, like let's be experimental and have those types of conversations outside of the bedroom, about the bedroom.

And just, you know, make it feel, make it a comfortable setting and don't emasculate him. Don't make him feel bad. I don't get any sense that you're going to do that. But this is all this like, Hey, like let's have the best sex life possible. And let's have conversations about like what we like to do and things we'd want to try out with each other, things that make the other person feel good. And let's just, let's just see, let's push some boundaries. Let's, let's respect our boundaries, but let's see if we can push them together and be safe and respectful and see where it goes from there.

Yeah. Awesome. Thank you so much. Yeah. I feel like that'll be really helpful because I was kind of on the verge of like, are we just not compatible in our whole relationship? Maybe. I mean, listen, these are a lot of questions I gave you to ask, but we don't know how he's going to respond to any of this. things, a lot of questions I gave you to ask, but like, we don't know how he's going to respond to any of this. Listen, if, if he's the type of guy who's just like, I went down on one girl in high

school and I'm never going to do that again. He's just not a very flexible guy who's like willing to like, you know, he might be a little set in his ways, but more specific, more importantly, the love language conversation. If he's not receptive to like taking the quiz with you, if he makes you feel dumb for wanting to do it, if he dismisses it and says it's stupid and, or, or he does it, but never makes any changes and never does any of these acts of service, then he's either doesn't, maybe you're not compatible, you know? And I wouldn't, if I wouldn't waste a lot of energy in this relationship, if he does, if you do go out of your way to express these very basic needs and desires and he's very resistant to it.

That's a big red flag. Yeah, 100%. And then the bedroom stuff, I think you can get over. I think it's just making each other feel comfortable. Yeah, that's not a huge deal. I'm just like, it would spice it up. It's just like, since it's so parallel with everything else, I'm like, come on, really, you know. Sure, yeah. He doesn't seem to be, I'm like, come on, really, you know? Sure.

Yeah. He doesn't seem to be, I mean, a general concern for you. Very in a giving mood. Yeah. Well, and the general, like the biggest concern is, you know, I've talked about this in the past. Is he interested in making you a priority or does he dislike having a girlfriend? So true. I feel like, yeah, I'm like, I don't know.

It might be the second, but I guess we'll see. We'll see. How he responds. Yeah. We'll see. How he responds. Yeah. We'll see how he responds. These are like actual things you can do. And he just might not be good at it or think about it and might not be self-aware. And so see if he's interested.

Because this love language thing is how to be a better partner to your partner. He should want to be a better partner. We should all want to be the best partner we can be. And if he's not interested in being the best partner he can be to you, then I wouldn't waste much time as a 20-year-old with someone who's not interested and being the best possible partner he can be to you

or interested in doing very basic things that make you feel like a priority, that he's totally wasting your time. And he just likes having a girlfriend and likes having some guaranteed sex now and then. Yeah. So true. So yeah. All right.

Awesome. Thank you so much. That was great advice. Oh, my pleasure. All right. Take care. Keep us posted. I'd love to know how this conversation goes and what you're able to learn and what you end up deciding to do. For sure. I'll give you an update. All right. Awesome. Thank you. Thanks for calling in. Take care. How's it going? Hi, what's up? What's your name? My name is Brittany and I'm 21 years old. Nice to meet you, Brittany. How can we help? I am dating my car salesman long distance and

it's been fizzling really fast and I've gotten to see him a couple of times and every time I've gotten to see him, he kind of pulls back. So I'm just kind of wondering like what I should do and why this keeps happening. Okay. How did you meet your car salesman? Did he sell you a car? He did sell me a car and I bought a car from him. I was in the hurricane, so I bought a car from him.

And then after that, we were flirting like the whole process of buying a car. I actually kept the car for a week and i had to go back down where he was to like finalize the deal and he like hung out with me the whole time i was getting finalized the car had a couple of issues that had to get fixed so i was there for like five hours we hung out the whole time riding around on his golf cart and then he kissed me after and asked me on a date he made a move on the car lot yes okay yes but we were like hanging out the whole time i was there he was driving me around on the golf cart showing me around there was an rv place we were like goofing off in the rvs he probably could have gotten some trouble but how old. How old is he? He's 26.

Okay. So did you start dating right away? So we never, it was never official. It was kind of more like situationship, but he asked me on a date and I was in town. So the next day we went out for drinks and we stayed out pretty late, but I didn't go home with him or anything. And he was just telling me, he was very clear about like what he was looking for. He's like, you know, I'm 26. I'm done with the hookups. I'm ready to settle down. I want to get married, blah, blah, blah. I'm looking for a relationship, which I was kind of taken aback by.

Why are you saying all this so soon? But I was also appreciative of it. Is that where you're at in life? I mean, you're 21, which maybe you are ready to settle down. But also, if you told me, I don don't know i just kind of started dating and kind of open to exploring things like where are you at i definitely want a relationship i've been single for five years so i've been dated since high school pointless situationships like this so i definitely want a relationship but i also am 21 you know i have a lot of life to live so i'm

not i'm not trying to get married anytime soon but i definitely want something serious you say this like on a first date yeah we have a lot of serious talks i'm obviously dating someone who's you know a lot younger than me but at the same time like i just find it interesting that this 26 year old guy on a first date to a 21 year old was just saying things like well i'm just tired of like, like just talking about, I just assume anything I knew about, you know, my girlfriend when I met her, right? Like I knew she was younger than me. So it was like, I don't know, for all I know, this person isn't looking for what I'm looking for. I'm curious when he started talking about

these things, if he, if he checked in with you first before talking about his plans, or did he just start talking about all the things that he was looking for and what he wanted he definitely just started talking about what he was looking for i don't know what his perception of me was when we first met but he did mention this is kind of weird but he mentioned something about like innocence and being with a girl you know who's not been around a lot and stuff and i had when we were talking about this like i had said like well i haven't had a boyfriend for five years like i don't do all that like i don't hook up i don't like that's not just who i am and then like so i don't i don't know

exactly the sequence of events that he was saying all of that but i know like the way he was perceiving me was like oh like you're so like you're whatever. And that sounds so creepy. But, and then he was talking about how he wanted to, how a relationship when he was tired of like, he wanted someone to come home to essentially. Did he ask? Yeah.

Like you've been dating, right? Like we don't have to get into your, like, you know, your history or anything, but like. I was dating people while I was talking to him, you know, like I i met other people too like he made a lot of assumptions about you basically yeah definitely but i just kind of let him think like he didn't ask so i just kind of was like whatever and like and what did you think about that didn't you i mean i know he was saying what maybe he perceived were compliments and probably sounded like he was trying to gas you up and whether it was true or not. No, I know. But like, didn't it bother you that he was making all these assumptions about who you were, even if they were compliments? A hundred percent. Like the whole thing about

being with somebody who's, you know, not been around and stuff. Like I was defensive of that conversation just for like women. Like I was like, well, you don't like know what people have been through and stuff like that did you ask him what he meant by that stuff or do you just kind of sit and listen i did i like kind of like a little bit of both like i was defensive in the sense of like i like i think he asked me my body count once and i was like we're not having this conversation yeah how early like well after we went on that date we started talking every single day on the phone okay for hours yeah we were just getting into a lot of like really deep conversations really quickly okay and that that makes it a little better because if you're doing that you're talking a ton you you're kind of talking about everything so things can exactly

conversations can escalate and move pretty quickly i I mean, I generally just hate the body count question. Did he offer his body count or did he just ask you? No, no. You just shut it down right away. Yeah. What did he, how did he respond to that? He expressed that he, you know, in his younger years, like. It's always the younger years. The 26 year old is saying when I was your age. He did. And he'd be like, I was sleeping on my friend's couch.

I was hooking up with people all the time. I was doing drugs, whatever. Like he was somewhere completely different in life than where I am now. What do we like about this guy so far? We hate him. I, I liked how open he was. I feel like people I've dated in the past were not that clear about what they were looking for. And I had to dig. So I kind of liked that. He was like, this is what I want. These are my expectations. So we had a lot of conversations about like, I wouldn't be okay if you did this. This would make me uncomfortable. And there was just a lot of communication. So that I love. So was that reciprocal? Was that pretty even? Or at what point are you kind of chiming in with your needs and expectations and things like that? Is that going on in these

six hour conversations? I think I did, you know, um, it would be like tip or tat, like we would, we took a love language quiz together and, you know, like on the phone and like went through all these questions and stuff about like what we would prefer. We would talk about like being friends with, you know, opposite sex and like, I was totally okay with that. Except like if you guys had slept together, like stuff like that, you know, sex and like i was totally okay with that except like if you guys had slept together like stuff like that you know we had all kinds of conversations like that i was never worried about it it was going great you text me good morning you're gorgeous blah blah blah like i was just i was just going with it you know i wasn't crazy about him but i was excited and he was a gentleman when we were out. He offered to pick me up. He opened the door.

He paid for everything. And then? And then, so after a couple weeks in November, so I bought my car like early November, late November. I'm going back to his town for a week for my mom's wedding. And I'm like, okay, we'll hang out, blah, blah, blah. We're so excited to see each other. And then I get to town.

And it's been like, I'm there for like three days. No plans are made. And I'm like, okay, like what's happening? He knew you're coming to town. He knew I was coming and he knew I was there and still didn't make plans. And so I called him out and I was just, I think we were on the phone like the third day. And I was just like, so like, what are we going to hang out? Like, what are you? And he was like, well, like, when are you leaving? And I'm like, this thing's like, well, Like, are we going to hang out? Like, what are you? And he was like, well, like, when are you leaving? Blah, blah. And I'm like, this thing. He's like, well, I thought you were in town longer.

Da, da, da, da, da. So we hang out the day before I leave town. So I also had a wedding. Like, I had family. I had things to do. And so we hang out the day before we, I'm like, it's fine, whatever. You know, maybe this is just, I kind of like, I'm like, maybe he really didn't know. So he takes me, we go to Topgolf. And then we go to david busters

it was a lot of fun paid for everything and then i went home with him and i stayed the night and yeah she has hook up yeah okay but it was weird because it's like technically the second time we're going out in person but we've been talking every single day like to the point you know this was like weeks going on so like we had a routine like when i didn't answer the phone he's like what's going on like you know what i mean sure i listen i don't you know no judgment i'm just data point i'm just curious if you did yeah yeah it is interesting that the guy who like you know talked about how he didn't want to hook up anymore and loved how like in his words innocent you were had no problem like hooking up on the second date you know it's like it didn't seem like his his words were matching his actions as someone who talked

about like how he used to hook up all the time and did x y and z but now he wants something different he now he wants to be more intentional in with his dating you get to know someone at the end of the day he still like didn't make an effort to hang out with you and is in town. But then, you know, finally had it on a date like you guys hooked up, which whatever, it's fine. But like it's just it doesn't it doesn't match what he was saying. It was also weird the next morning because, you know, I've been in a hookup. So I know the vibe of somebody who's like, get out. That was that. And it was weird.

He was sick the next day, apparently, and called out of work, but didn't want me to leave. I was supposed to be driving back home five hours away, and he didn't want me to leave. And it's like 10 a.m. at this point. So he woke up the next day after you guys hooked up and was like, I'm sick. I can't work. Yes. And then he was like, stay here with me.

Yes. How sick did he seem? Did he look sick? Did he seem sick? He seems like, I don't know. Like, you know what I mean? I guess. You guess.

I was kind of like, you should go to work. Like, it's fine. And he was like, no, no, I'm really sick. And then he like wouldn't get out of bed. And so I'm kind of like you know like going to blow him on my phone and then by 10 a.m i'm like i need i want to go home like i don't want to be hanging out at your house anymore i don't have anything i'm gonna have a toothbrush you know what i mean like i'm ready to go and i'm trying to get him up like i'm like can you take me home

now can you take me home now he's like oh i'm so sick and then he's like this is maybe where he was really sick i don't know but this was another one of my like red flags but he's like this is maybe where he was really sick I don't know but this was another one of my like red flags but he's like would you mind if I called you an uber and I just looked at him like what and uh and he's like okay no no I won't I won't and I'm like that just kind of makes me feel like a booty call and he's like no I'll drive you home it's fine it's fine so he drives me home whatever and then I leave and it's like back home like we're talking on time like but we feel better whatever so around december so after that i'm like okay so like when are we going to see each other again expecting you know we should at least if we're going to do this whole long distance thing yeah and we had talked about it before like oh we'll make this work whatever

i was like sure i'm open to it whatever and i'm i'm expecting we should have plans to see each other again at least if i'm going to do long whatever. And I'm expecting we should have plans to see each other again. At least if I'm going to do long distance, I want to know when's the next time I'm going to see you. He explains that December is like the busiest month for car salesmen and don't have high expectations. But once January comes, I'm going to come and see you whenever you want. And I'm like, well, I'm going to be busy in January. I'm in school. And he's like, I don't care. I'll sit there while you do your homework. It'll be great. I just need you to get through December with me. And

I'm like, okay, deal. So then I get, I got unemployed. So I ended up going home for the holidays, which is where he is. And I'm like, Hey, I'm going to be coming to this in town for December for like 10 days. I know you're really busy, but hopefully we can do something. He's like, yeah, great, whatever. And then I get in town and kind of same exact deal as in November. Like I'm there, it's a couple of days and I'm like, so what's up? And he's like, I mean, I want to see you, but I already told you, like, I didn't expect my work week to go like this. I'm so busy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, okay, so, so what? And he's like, the only day I'm free is Christmas. Christmas Day?

Christmas Day. Okay. So I'm like, he's like, well, what are you doing for Christmas? And I'm like, I'm going to be with my family, but my family doesn't do a whole lot. So I'm like, we can hang out on Christmas after I'm done if that's what you want to do. He's like, well, I wouldn't say that if I didn't want to hang out with you. I'm like, okay. So we make plans for Christmas Day. How does your family feel about that? Just because mine would be like, well, I wouldn't say that if I didn't want to hang out with you. I'm like, okay. So we make plans for Christmas Day.

How does your family feel about that? Just because like mine would be like, excuse me. Well, I mean, I think a lot of people celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve and the Christmas Day is kind of by two in the afternoon. It's kind of like nothing's really going on for a lot of people. That's true. For Christmas Day. Yeah.

My mom was open, you know, so she had met him because i bought the car from him and she was there the first day okay so kind of weird like she knew who he was and she liked him you know when she met him but it wasn't like a formal meeting like he was my car salesman so she was like sure you know you can invite him over that might be too much for you and i was like no i'm not bringing him to my family christmas like that's weird i'll just go i just asked like can we do christmas dinner early so i can head down she was supportive she was like yeah sure whatever but she was getting sus at this point because she was also it was her wedding in november so she had seen like that he was waiting all this time she's like he's acting like he likes you and then once you get in town he's being weird she's the one who

was pointing that out to me i was was like, I don't know why. I'm finally here and you're being all weird about it. So Christmas Day rolls around. And I'm like, Merry Christmas. Good morning. He's like, good morning. Merry Christmas, gorgeous. I'll call you in a little bit.

Four hours go by. I'm doing my thing with my family, whatever. I'm like, oh, whatever. I don't know what his plans are. I knew he was spending Christmas alone. His family isn't in state so four hours go by he texts me i'm so sorry i fell asleep blah blah blah what are you up to i'm like oh i think i sent you these messages maybe i don't know but i was like oh i'm just reading i'm just chilling i'm reading a book what's up and he's like doesn't answer for the whole rest of the night he ghosted you on christmas

after you had plans he goes to me on christmas does not answer no response all right doesn't call me the next morning i wake up still not no messages so i call him because i'm like you know at this point i'm done like you just ghosted me on christmas like i don't want to i don't want to mess with you anymore but i feel like I want to say something. Sure. So I call him no answer. And then I text him and I'm like, you know,

I don't remember exactly what I said, but I'm like, could have just said you didn't want to hang out. Like what was the point of all that? And he sent me this big paragraph about how it has nothing to do with me. And he likes me so much. He's so stressed about work. And he dropped it.

Like he's not selling cars basically. And if he gets fired, he's going to move to Tampa. Yes. And I didn't answer this message because her text messages. One, I live closer to Tampa than where he lives. So if he was moving in Tampa.

Oh, so he was saying it as like a good thing. He's like, if I get fired, babe, I'm coming closer. Don't worry. No,

it was more like his. Yeah. He goes, how I feel has nothing to do with me not doing anything yesterday. I like you for sure, but I don't know. I just got in a mood yesterday and wanted to be alone. Should have told you that. Yes. And I'm sorry for that, but I just felt like being alone yesterday. That's fine, man. But like you made plans, you made plans. So I just slept and didn't talk to anyone but my fam about an hour on the phone. So I just got a lot going on right now. And you're

right. It isn't fair to you. And I do feel terrible. But at the same time, I really don't have the time or energy to put effort into much else besides work right now. I didn't want to have to have this conversation with you because I was wanting January to come around and me to see if I still have a job and go from there because if I get fired, I'm moving to Tampa. Again, I should have talked to you about it and I'm sorry. I'm just hella stressed right now and I shut down and stay to myself when I get like this. I'm truly sorry though. And yeah, so Tampa, yeah, it doesn't sound like he's excited about that. No. And it was weird because, you know, I had said, he told me December is a bad month, blah, blah, blah. I'm sure he knew where he comes yeah it doesn't sound like he's excited about that no and it was weird because you know i had said he told me december is a bad month blah blah once jerry knew where he comes around so it made

sense but also then he's saying he had never mentioned getting fired he had never mentioned moving to tampa i live like an hour and a half from tampa i live five hours from him so like okay even if you did move to tampa like we're going to be closer. And all of this, like, oh, I shut down because I'm so stressed. Wow. Within the span of us dating. Okay. I was in a hurricane and had to buy a new car. I got fired and I got attacked by three dogs.

So never once during all of those things happened to me, did I shut down and act like a douchebag, you know? Like, I'm like, obviously you can't handle your emotions. That's what, like, I'm so sorry you're so stressed, but like communicate, you know like I'm like obviously you can't handle your emotions if you that's what like I'm so sorry you're so stressed but like communicate you know like I had I did get fired and I didn't act like that sure well I guess you have your answer right like right and then I'm also like it just didn't make sense because he's like oh I'm so stressed I have all this going on but I'm like okay well when we first started dating you're like I want a girlfriend yeah I didn't believe him when you told me that it didn't't sound, you know what I'm saying? Like on a first date when anyone's, I just, it's a first date. So anyone who's like, yo, just so you know, this is what I'm looking for. I would always take that

with a grain of salt. You know, they could be projecting a lot of stuff. They could be saying, because they know it sounds nice. You know, hey, I'm looking for a relationship. A lot of people know that people want to hear that. So I think it's nice to hear that, but I think going forward, don't make the mistake of believing everything you hear from a first date. I'm not trying to tell you to be skeptical, but listen, hear it, and then see if it makes sense. Everything that people say in a first date, I'm not saying that you should play devil you know, play devil's advocate with them or be argumentative with them and be like, well, I don't know if I believe you. And I'm not saying you should say like that, but like, listen to what they say, hear them out. If things don't make

sense, ask a couple of follow-up questions, be mindful of what they said and see if their actions, you know, match what they say about themselves, especially early on. Because oftentimes, and I think what you're describing is fairly relatable, is that people go on dates and they're on dates with people who say a bunch of nice things and you're just like, okay, well, that seems nice. I like that. He says he wants this. He says he wants that. But then a couple weeks later or a month later, all of a sudden they're doing and saying things that don't match what they said they wanted. And it's not that things necessarily changed. It's that they just kind of said shit on the first date that maybe they didn't mean, you know, keep in mind, you

didn't really know this guy. Don't waste a bunch of time wondering why things change. Maybe they never changed. Maybe he just said some shit he didn't really mean because it sounded nice. And maybe, you know, it sounds like he's not doing super awesome at his job. So maybe for him, things did change and that could be it. And the fact that you handle stress better than him, maybe it just means that you regulate your emotions a little bit better than him. And that just was a weakness of his. Like, you know, it's just like, you're just like, you could be frustrated that, you know, you were able to do it, but he wasn't. But instead of being frustrated and confused,

just accept that's where he's at. In less than a couple months, he has shown you a couple times that he doesn't seem to handle stress very well. And maybe he's just someone, regardless of his age and him being older than you, maybe he just isn't good at that and still has a lot of work to do.

And maybe that's like a data point you need to recognize and accept. And then maybe start considering, maybe he's not my guy. You kind of made the mistake I talk about a lot too. It's just like, sounds like you had a couple nice dates. It is fun to talk to someone for hours on the phone and FaceTime, and you can really feel like you connect with someone and people really feel like they're going to open up, but there's still a lot to get to know about someone. And it's just much easier to say things rather than show people through your actions that you actually mean what you say. No, I agree. So I just feel like maybe he's just not your guy. I would be willing to bet that he will probably continue to hang out with

you. This is like a huge situationship waiting to happen because he's setting you up with all like the work problems and things like that and the to happen because he's setting you up with all like the work problems and things like that and the potential move he's giving you all these reasons why like a committed relationship is this too much for him right now and then so i it kind of sucks because i was the first person i've hooked up with in a year and he knew that so now i'm like i think that's why i sent the new year's text because at first i was like i deleted his number i had no problem like i don't really want to feed i don't want to play this game but then i kind of backtracked around new year's after like a week i was like oh well like yeah i mean i

don't know and so then the new year's text happened and i told my mom about it and she's like he sounds depressed like maybe he really does have all this going on. And I'm like, so. Well, even if he is depressed. Leave it in the dust. I wouldn't make that your problem. I mean, I certainly, listen, like, I don't think high on the reasons to keep hanging out with him should be because you hooked up with him and you want to make that worthwhile.

You know, the fact that you haven't hooked up with anyone in a year and you kind of like, I don't know how that, how you feel about that, but I don't know if it was more like, maybe it was, I've had some friends feel like, you know, after a while of not hooking up with someone, it feels like a cleanse and they kind of like, like that they haven't done that in a while. And they're just, you know, because, and then it makes it feel like when they're dating, it's a little more intentional because it's like, Hey, I've abstained from sex for this long. And I

want to make sure that the next person I have sex with, it feels a little bit, you know, worthwhile and special, et cetera, et cetera. Like, like a fresh start, you know? And I don't know. And so, and then you hook up with him and then he, you know, gives you kind of fuck boy traits and situationship vibes. That's not worth sticking this out just because, you know, you decided to sleep with him and he was the first person that, you know, hook up, he was the first person you hooked up with in a year. If, if that's anywhere on your, like, if that's popping in your head of like reasons to keep this going, then I think that's a very like notable red flag for yourself about, about how you feel about him, because then you're, you're keeping, you're trying to keep it going for reasons that have nothing to do with him and this relationship it has everything to do with you not wanting to judge yourself or how you

feel about yourself and like listen you you had you hooked up with a guy it didn't pan out it's you can you can stop having sex with people again you can start a new streak if if you if it was of anything about the streak you know what i'm saying? There's a lesson to be learned too in terms of... And I think the lesson learned for this guy is don't believe everything you hear, especially if it's guys who talk about change. This guy opened up early on talking about who he used to be and how he is now and how he wants... I used to be this way, but now i want something different well when someone talks like that there's more they're most likely not different they want to be different and they see you as an opportunity to be different and almost like maybe you're the person who will

get me to settle down and not be this fuck boy piece of shit or blah blah blah kind of thing well he also told me about like his last relationship like it wasn't all about like fuckboy stuff like he also was like oh i was in this four-year relationship with um apparently this girl who her family was in the mafia and she broke his ribs and it was crazy and i was like why are you telling me this and i actually told him once like stop talking about your ex to me like i'm like i don't really care like i don't want to hear about it so i don't know it was just weird it was a lot of mixed i yeah i feel like this guy's is giving you a lot of red flags and you open up the call by asking like why does this keep happening to me my sense is that you're not really listening to the red flags that people are showing you and i think you're you're focusing on the green flags and you're ignoring the red flags.

You know, when he says things that sound nice, you're lasering it. You're zeroing in on those attributes. And you're kind of, you know, it's like he said that, but like, I don't know. Like, why are you telling me this? But you're telling me more. When you're telling me about it, you're telling me more stories of things that like to sound off. Yeah, I know there is. Next time I'm dating, when that happens, do I just like leave? Like I just bail after I see those red flags? I mean, you ask more questions, you know, if you're, if you're still interested,

but you're hearing red flags and you really need to like ask more questions, you need to like, check in, you know, and if things don't make sense to say, well, that doesn't make sense. Can you explain that to me? If he's talking about his ex so much, you can say like, you talk about your ex a lot. Like, is that, it makes me feel like maybe there's some like unfinished like feelings in that department. See what he says. Yeah. So like, I wouldn't just bail, but like use it as an opportunity to maybe communicate more and ask more follow-up questions. But like when their actions are like them ghosting you or not taking advantage of the opportunity to make you feel like a priority,

especially if the behavior changes after you guys have hooked up, those are all very helpful data points. No, I kind of definitely, when I got stood up on Christmas, I knew it didn't surprise me. I kind of saw it coming, but it's just frustrating

because it's always like a three-month relationship and then nothing. And that's why I started the like i'm not gonna hook up with people because it became such a pattern of like okay like this is all people want i know that was long distance and i know long distance can kind of propel those conversations but in the future maybe don't have don't be talking every day for six hours a day. Like maybe do that once for like a date night and then a week later, you know? But I think when you're talking to someone that you're excited, maybe you're both excited about

and you're talking constantly all day, every day, there's a lot of pressure just to have conversations. It sounds fun. And I'm not saying anyone's like lying, but like I don't know if you're really representing yourself fully. You're just talking a lot and you're talking more about ideas and you're talking about things that you would like and you're kind of fantasizing about concepts. You're not really getting to know who they are. You're not seeing them in the wild,

so to speak. You're not really spending time with them. And yeah, it's a way to get to know someone, but like it's, it's what you're describing as I think a very typical situation of like, I felt like I was getting to know this guy who I spent hours talking to. But then when I tried to actually like do things with him or try to propel the relationship forward, his behavior started to change or his actions didn't match his words. In the future, I think if you meet someone you like, just try to slow it down. Try to space out, especially if you feel like you're interested in them. Challenge yourself to just slow it down and see if they can stay consistent and steady and still evolve their interest.

As long as they keep growing their interest, that's good. Because it's so easy to come out of the gate strong. It's so easy to go 100 miles per hour, especially when you're excited about someone new. But can they keep that consistent? And can they grow that intensity over time? No, right. And I felt that. I was like, wow, this is happening really fast. I'm just going to roll with it. And I actually said that to him once like i was like i want i need to see you in school we're like getting to know you over the phone and i was like when the discussions about like us seeing each other were happening and then i would get in town and i'd be like well what the hell like and then it

was nothing like he we had another plan once where he was going to come out my friends like something happened he didn't come up like it was really weird so i i know yeah yeah it sounds like this guy's giving you multiple reasons to like move on from this person and your biggest reason for hanging around has to do more with the fact that you don't want to feel like this is like another failed attempt at a in a dating situation or the fact that you hooked up with them after waiting for a year and neither of those are very like good reasons to stick it out. You know, like his actions, instead of getting more clarity, you've gotten more confused. Instead of like feeling like you guys have built on something, you feel like you're taking a step back. These are all like

things that you should really account for and things that matter. All right. Well, keep us posted what you do. Gotcha. No, I think I'm going to stop talking to them. All right. Sounds good. Well, happy new year. So much. Yeah. Happy new year. Take care. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name?

I'm Emily and I'm 31. How can we help Emily? So I had a question, a guy that I have been exclusively dating for the last month I tried to define the relationship with him on new years and he basically turned me down and so that it was too soon and then I found out that he was still dming his ex-girlfriend when you say define the relationship so you when you say exclusive but then you try to define a relationship what do you mean because like how did you go so like do you you guys define the relationship by agreeing to not sleep with other people or only date each other? Yes. So it was pretty early on. It was probably within the first couple of weeks,

we just had this great connection. And he basically told me after our first date or two that he wasn't on the apps and he wanted to see where it went with me. And then I kind of felt the same way and have really felt like that this is going in the right direction with this guy. He's given me everything. His words match his actions, which is great. Just almost like he liked me maybe a little bit more than I liked him. And then just kind of was a little bit impulsive. And again, I listened to the show. I'm a huge fan. I was like, I'm going to ask him for what I want. And then he basically turned me down and said, I do like you. But at the same time, I feel like it is a little bit too soon. So wait, before you asked, you found out he was, walk me through this night in sequential order.

So we were out for New Year's. We were sitting at a bar together. Everything was really great, awesome. And he was showing me something on Instagram on his phone. And I looked and then noticed that the third or fourth message was his ex. In the DMs? Or in message? In the messages. Yeah. Okay. And we've talked about our exes in the past. He told me that they broke up about six, seven months ago. He blocked her number. They're not speaking. I think he was more the one that ended it and then saw that. My heart kind of just, it was like a gut check a little bit. But I feel like I don't have any reason maybe to doubt him. He's only been upfront and honest with me up till now. And then later that night just kind of fell a certain way. We had had such a good week and then asked that and then got that response. Again, I didn't say anything about the ex. I didn't want to look crazy, but just kind of

confused on what to do. Let me ask you this. When you saw, when you noticed that he was messaging his ex, did it truly not bother you? And then you continue to enjoy his company in the evening and it felt right to just state what you wanted? Or did you have to actively try to ignore it forget it and then and then felt compelled to get some clarity by trying to define the relationship to see what he would say because you caught him texting his ex I guess maybe a little bit of both like when I saw it it was kind of like a gut punch and it's weird because he's only told me these, not crazy things about her, but that she's high maintenance, she's controlling, and that's not me at all.

And so I feel like he does like me a lot. And I feel like I just didn't really see her in the picture at all. And then I saw that and it kind of triggered me a little bit, but I also don't know what it said. I don't know if she was reaching out and just saying happy holidays or whatever. So I wasn't going to accuse him of anything of it.

Totally, could be that. And do you know that she was blocked for sure? He just told me that they were just blocked. He blocked her number, but I don't, I don't think he had blocked her on Instagram. So wait, these messages were on Instagram or an iMessage? It was, it was through Instagram, but he had told me that after they broke about six, seven months ago, he blocked her number. Okay. Gotcha. I was a little confused. So the messages were in the DMs, so to speak. Yes. Yeah. It was like the third or fourth message in the DMs. And obviously, I've stalked his Instagram. I know who she is. I know what she looks like. He's not really a big social media

person. But when I saw that it triggered something and I kind of thought about saying something. Blocked. Okay. Yeah. So it could be a million things. In my relationship now, things you know like in my relationship now you know we're very trust trusting we're we're by each other all the time and so like we see each other on our phones and there have been times where each of us have been like who's that you know kind of thing you know and and we just will answer the question and it's kind of like oh you know but like every once in a while we'll be like, what's going on? And it's not that we actually, we trust each other. We're not worried about it. But like if we see something that's kind of weird, we just ask for clarity.

Like why not? And it's not that we're being nosy or going through each other's phones. We're just like kind of next to each other. And if I see that she's, you know, or vice versa, we just ask. It's weird. Like with you, how long have you been dating this guy? So I know it's early. It's weird. Like with you, how long have you been dating this guy? So I know it's early. It's only a little over a month.

So I also was a little nervous that did I ask too soon? But again, we are supposed to be dating. Like he's met my friends. I've met his. Our families know about each other. How did you say it? He communicates well. Kind of basically that.

I was like, you know, I really like hanging out with you. I love where this is going. I see future with this. I would love it if we made this basically official. And I was your girlfriend and you were my boyfriend. And he was just, it wasn't weird. He was just kind of like, you know, I do see this in the future. I think you're great. And I like hanging out with you. I just think it's a little bit too soon. And then I felt like throughout the night, it wasn't weird. He was just saying how great I am and how much he likes me and how amazing I am. He says that to me a lot. And then I'm thinking, am I getting love bombed by just all of these words? I don't know, but I haven't really felt this way about a really genuinely good guy in a while. My dating life has just been a little bit all over. And it's the first time I feel like I've met someone that matches what I'm giving them. Yeah.

I'm thinking here because I feel like maybe you are in a bit of a pickle because part of me wants you just to say calmly, and I think you have every right to, to just say, okay, can I have confession? I can't, I couldn't help but notice, like I'm not, and I'm not trying to like, like nosy, but like we were sitting next to each other and I just, I saw that you had a message from the ex. And so I was just a little caught off guard and I just, you know, I'm assuming maybe it was just the holidays, but like, you know, I'm just checking in and is it, has anything changed with that? And maybe that's just the question you would just ask, like, has anything changed?

Right. It's not accusatory. It's not like, what the fuck are you doing? It's just have, has anything changed? And it's a fair, it's not like what the fuck are you doing it's just have it has anything changed and it's a fair it's a fairly fair question his relationship's only six seven his breakup's only six seven months old it wouldn't be out of the blue for her to try to pop back in especially around the holidays and maybe it was just as simple as hey i hope you have a great year and it was kind of a benign but friendly

message from her or you know maybe from him i don't know people can feel nostalgic and especially after like bad breakups despite him saying that maybe she was high maintenance and blah blah blah he clearly cared about her at one point and i think most people like seek out reconciliation and if she like extended an olive branch maybe he replied in kind you know and it was absolutely that's true nothing but you did see it and it also could be something and maybe he likes you but like you know she said something and kind of confuse him you don't really know so it's simply just saying hey i'm just i'm just curious i just know i notice it i i hate that i saw it because i don't want to seem

like nosy, but I just wanted to, like, I know that you've said you blocked her. So like, has anything changed or is it just like a happy new year message? I think it's a total reasonable question, you know, and just seeing how he replies is another opportunity to see how he handles that question. Like he shouldn't get defensive he should be like oh yeah like yeah i'm sorry you know totally fair question you know i'm sorry you had to see that like jesus wishing me a happy new year and i wished it back and we just we you know we were catching up like but there's absolutely nothing there nothing's absolutely changed do you think that would look a little crazy though for me because he it's like clearly i know who his ex is i've you know

stalked his instagram i know who it is but i don't want him to be like thinking that I'm this you know I guess kind of like a crazy person of oh you were looking in my dms like he had showed it to me and then we got back to my apartment he was showing me another video and I saw it again like he wasn't I don't think trying to hide anything like people can clearly try to hide stuff but I just I feel like maybe I'll go crazy if I do that after only a month i don't know because it's not like you said hey when you were in the shower i went through your phone and i found this like or you're not being like what the fuck why is your tech why is your ex messaging you you're just like hey so confession you know you can hand me your phone and i just i noticed this and it's been in my head or don't even have to say it's been in your head

about like i just wanted to i just wanted to check in and i hope it's okay that i ask but has anything changed with your ex you know i and i think the question of has anything changed like you're you're not going to look crazy you're not going above and beyond you're not saying how dare you do this you're checking in yeah i think there's a big difference between asking questions and checking in and sounding crazy. And I don't understand. Well, I don't think people, especially women, because it seems like women are more worried about sounding and acting crazy to men that they're dating. I think you should just stop worrying about that for things that are justifiable and reasonable questions. If it was the other way around and you were getting over an ex and he happened to see you message an ex,

he would wonder about it. It's a normal feeling. You know what I'm saying? You know that you're not being paranoid. You know that you are even trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. You know you're not being crazy. I feel like people, when we feel crazy, you know you're not being crazy. Like I feel like

people, like when we feel crazy, we know we're being crazy, right? Like we know when we're like losing our minds and we know when we're feeling paranoid and we know when we're feeling anxious and we know that maybe we're not, but like we know we're being a little crazy when we act that way. And this is not what you're going through right now. So I don't think you need to question yourself about like whether you're going to sound crazy. In fact, in this particular instance, you know you're not crazy. And there's a difference between knowing you're not crazy and still, and then you have this fear of, because that's the thing. You know you're not crazy. You're not worried about you if you're being crazy. Your concern is whether he's going to think you're being crazy, right? And you have no reason to think that he should think that because you're not. Am I making sense? Yes. So when you know you're not being crazy and you're worried about, if he accuses you of sounding crazy or being crazy, that's a red flag on him because you know you're not. If he all of a sudden gets weirdly defensive it's like

why are you going through my it's like i'm not what like he knows you were right next to him you said he handed you his phone this happens all the time you know like it's okay i saw this i felt weird about it but i just wanted to ask like has anything changed because like i just i just i hope it's okay that i asked that okay and yeah you right. If he has a bad reaction to it, then maybe he is still tied to his ex and maybe then he is maybe a little defensive about it. I feel like there's three options. He's either going to get defensive and kind of weirdly defensive, which is a red flag. He might use that as an opportunity to be like, well, yeah, she did reach out and we have been talking and it's made me kind of reconsider my feelings, some version of that. Or it's going to be, yeah, no problem. You know, like, yeah,

thanks for asking. Nothing's changed. Like she just happened to reach out. We just a couple messages back and forth. It's nothing. I'm sorry you had to see that. And you're gonna be like, thank. And then after you ask, assuming it goes well, say, hey, it really meant like, thank you for letting me ask that question. I want it just wanted to check in i saw it i don't want to be nosy i i boundaries are a big deal to me i don't want to violate your trust i don't go through people's phones or anything like that but like thank you for making me feel comfortable to ask that question because it obviously was on my mind right okay that that makes sense and i think i did got the whole thing though feel better because even since our conversation like or since our talk, like everything's been been great.

Like he was even more like comforting. I feel like that night he's on a like a work trip for like the next week. But like we still FaceTime, we still talk. So it's not like we had that conversation. Things got weird. It's we're still kind of on the same trajectory. And so, you know, if I do ask this question and it goes well in the sense of him saying, yeah, I'm sorry. You know, she just reached out. Nothing's changed on my end. I'm wondering, cause I already put it out there that I do want you to be my boyfriend. I do like you. How long do you think I should maybe wait until having the next conversation? Cause I almost just kind of feel like the ball's in his court, which sucks because I want to have control over the situation, but kind of feel like I'm in like the waiting game right now. Did he give you any specifics

other than he thinks it's too soon as to why he can't call you his girlfriend? Not really. And I think what's frustrating is for me, if I had that title, I think I would feel a lot more secure. Like, I don't think much would really change in our relationship right now. I think I would just have that security, but I know guys can get weird with titles. I see it a lot with some of my friends that have been, you know, I was listening to one of your episodes, I don't know, a couple weeks ago, and the girl had to wait like a year for her boyfriend to define the relationship. And I'm like, I obviously don't want to wait that long, but it has only been a little over a month. So I'm like, did I ask too soon? I just, I'm kind of confused. I don't think you wait all that long. I think right now,

like for example, you recognize you've only been dating for a month, right? That is a little early, but you know, have you, it sounds like you've been hanging out a lot maybe, and you guys have moved things pretty quickly.

Yeah. And like, he knows my friends. I've met his friends. Like our families know about each other. Like he'll be over sometimes, like his mom will call, put her on speaker and be like,

Oh, I'm with X, Y, and Z. And it's like, Oh, hey. So my family, like I said, my family knows about him. His family knows about me. It seems very much like we're already in a relationship. So I just don't know what is so scary about a title. I would let it sit for a week or two. You know, I'm sure you've heard me say, I think it's more meaningful that, I think it is meaningful that the pace in which you guys were going hasn't

changed at all, especially after you tried to define the relationship, he didn't pull back. That's a good sign. I think things still need to progress. And if they keep progressing, you know, I think in three or four weeks, you're just kind of like, hey, because at the end of the day, you're just like, if I'm going to keep dating you, I want more clarity. I want some sort of commitment. You can always break up with me kind of thing. Like we can like. Yeah. And maybe you say that.

At this point, we're hanging out enough and we are doing these types of activities that if I hope that if your feelings changed for me, that you would give me the courtesy of a conversation. I also think whenever you're dating someone new, you're kind of doing this assessment of things I like to ratio to things I don't like to ratio because nobody's going to be perfect. And I think for you personally, obviously best case scenario, he does kind of see it. Okay, ball's in my court. I'm going to bring it up. But if he doesn't, I think just kind of monitoring for you, at what point does it pass the time where like you're becoming, you're finding yourself really preoccupied with not being his girlfriend such that it is threatening that ratio of like good to bad. And like, I, cause I think there is, you know,

as much as it's like, of course we want to use like benchmarks for other people to feel like normal. And like, I don't know, I feel like I will spend the rest of my life trying to unlearn internalize like cool girl, like not being crazy stuff, but you know, because it is, it does vary so much person to person. And so there's not like, you're going to, it'd be so much easier if it was like, okay, you can ask after this amount of time and you will officially not look crazy. So I think just kind of like trying to practice that, like, you know, the old nonjudgmental awareness. So that way you can know kind of at what point it feels like it's really getting in the way of you like experiencing this relationship in like a way that's like joyful and fun yeah i mean that's a good point and natalie essentially did that with me right like at i she wanted to be exclusive i didn't you know i had my

my reasons and at first she was just like, okay, that's fine. And we still progressed our relationship. It finally got to the point, kind of what Amanda's talking about, where it started affecting her mood. She started thinking, it started bothering her more. She didn't feel like there was much more to get to know of me without like wanting more of a commitment, et cetera, et cetera. You know, we were long distance and there were some other variables, but to Amanda's point, I think, yeah, a month in, I think there's still plenty to get to know about this guy. And I still think you can enjoy his company. And I still think you can progress things along without feeling like you're wasting your time or you're being

sidelined or he's this kind of, you know, non-committittal but like eventually maybe in a month or two you might feel that where it's just like we just we've progressed things even more spending even more time together we're becoming more vulnerable with each other and now i i have more expectations of of this relationship and it's bothering me more and more that assuming he hasn't brought up the fact that he wants to now be boyfriend and girlfriend with you. And at that point, I think you've heard me say, you can just calmly, you can calmly check in again and say, Hey, you know, and Natalie did this to me. Like one time she checked in like a month later or at the dinner and she just kind of very nonchalantly brought it up again. She's just like, Hey, I'm just going to say it. And she kind of recapped with me like the past,

you know, a couple months, Hey, we've been doing this. I really enjoyed this. I like hanging out with you. I have feelings for you. I don't think I can keep progressing this relationship without knowing where this is going. I want you to be my boyfriend. So I just wanted to say that. And he might, you know, need some time to process. Eventually, you need to stop being available to him. Eventually you need to say, all right, well, if you don't want that, I understand, but I can't keep giving you more of me without getting more from you. Some version of that, you know, because it's affecting my mood. It's like, we can always break up type of thing. Like, you know, we're exclusive now and I get like, it was a month, but like, what's the point of being exclusive for three or four months and not being able to call you

my boyfriend? And I think the other thing I was thinking too, is, you know, who knows the next month or two, I may say, this isn't a guy that I know want to be my boyfriend. And then I, you know, have the ability to cut that off. I think in my past, I have moved very quickly. Like I've maybe hung out with a guy a couple of times and then he's my boyfriend or, you know, two weeks, he's my boyfriend. A week later, we say, I love you. And then all of a sudden it's like, yep, we're going to have this exhortation to get married. And then a couple, you know, months down the road, I start to find out these red flags, but I feel so invested from the beginning. So in my head and this, I'm like, okay, maybe it's good to take things a little

bit slower because I jump in fast and then I go, what am I doing? Totally. Right. So use that kind of thought process and that self-awareness to get you through the next month or two, knowing that he's not ready and that you've asked because you're right. Like, I don't think, I don't think, I think it's too premature to assume he's giving you fuck boy energy, or this is some sort of new situation ship you're, you know, at risk of falling into. Like, I think it's totally reasonable that this guy a month in is kind of like, you know, six, seven months out of a relationship. I'm not quite ready. You know, I want, I want to get to know you a little bit more. That's totally reasonable. So use that energy. Hey, I have a lot to get to know about him and my feelings could change.

But if things do keep progressing and going down the path and at the rate of which it's going, it's, it's reasonable for you to continue to expect more from him in the relationship. That makes sense. Right. A TikTok I saw that was really helpful was it was like, in order to change your patterns and evolve, you're sometimes going to feel like you're going against your intuition because like your intuition is the thing that like replicates the patterns that you have already. And so of course it's like a fine line of like putting yourself in a bit of discomfort so that way you're growing, but not too much that it's like you're torturing yourself. But I think it's really, really hard to do. Also, next time you do it, make sure and I know like, you said it was a little bit of both. But

next time you try to define things, make sure things are going really well. Like don't come from any place of insecurity. And I think there's a little bit of like you seeing that message and figured, well, I can define the relationship, also get a barometer check to see if, you know, if there's anything going on. Instead of asking him what, you know, if things have changed with his ex-girlfriend, I'm going to take a leap of faith, see if he wants to be my boyfriend. And then if he says yes, I'm going to trust that he wouldn't have said yes if something else was going on. Don't do that. You're right. Right. So it makes sense. And I'd said, I think I wrote in and said that I've been reading your

book and it's great. I recommend it to basically everyone. And so I've been going, I finished it, but I was going back through on some of the chapters on like, just like for me, like taking my time on certain things and you know, the love at first sight isn't, isn't real. And I know you had said like with, with you and you and Natalie, like, you know, people had said, Oh, why haven't you found somebody sooner? And this and that you're like, you know, I'm wanting to wait and find the right person. So for me, it's been really helpful. I've kind of like gone back and highlighted things. So that's been nice to have just to show that like, I'm not crazy going through this. Yeah, no, I appreciate you saying that. And just, you know, again, those chapters about,

you know, dating and just taking time and learning about people are just good reminders as you're kind of going through this and defining the relationship when you get to that point. But yeah, trust your gut. If you're feeling anxious, that's not a time to try to necessarily move things forward. That's a time to maybe ask questions and get answers and try to find out what's making you anxious and at the risk of maybe getting answers you don't want to hear. Like, hey, it made me anxious. I saw you message your ex-girlfriend. Hey, has anything changed? That's a question you need to get some clarity.

Instead of feeling anxious, hey, do you want to take take a trip together? You know, and a lot of, a lot of, we do that a lot, right? We feel anxious, we feel insecure and we figure the best way because we're not, we don't want to be confrontational or things like that. We figure the best way to get this answer is kind of this kind of indirect or passive approach to clarity by like trying to like move things faster and see if they go along with that, because that will tell me something. And honestly, if the, if this guy is a really good liar and is, you know, let's say there is something going on, he might like, he could still say yes to a trip or say yes to be your boyfriend and still be going behind your back. You know, the people who are

liars and unfaithful, you know, we assume that, oh, well, he wouldn't take a trip with me if he was doing something else on the side. Well, that's not the case, you know. So don't try to move things forward when you're feeling anxious or insecure. That's a time to get clarity, to ask questions, ask the tough questions, listen to the answers, ask follow-up questions, be open-minded, not accusatory, but just check in and see how they respond. See, you know, because like if they're not doing anything wrong, these types of conversations shouldn't be that tough to have.

I thought this whole process, like my gut feeling about it hasn't changed. Normally, I know that my gut is always right. And it's like, I just felt a little bit anxious about this situation, but he still has been so great to me since. So it's like, I'm trusting that as well. I feel like I'm, my gut is always,

you know, right on certain things too. And then at some point, maybe you can say, Hey, like, I know, I know I asked you about being a boyfriend and girlfriend and I know you're

not ready yet, but like, also like, thanks for not being weird about it. Thanks for backing up your words with your actions by, you know, us moving things forward, you know, and that's kind of like making, and that will kind of, that will,

that will probably catch him off guard because he might be thinking, oh, like now she, she started the clock on me, so to speak. And you're actually showing a like, Hey, thanks for not making it weird. Thanks. Thanks for like backing your, you know, words with your actions types of things. But, and then it's still an opportunity for you to say, I still have a lot to get to know you too. So I'm fine with this right now.

And I think it's okay for you to say something like that. I'm fine with this right now. Like you said, I still have to get something to know about you. And then in a month or two, you'll check your gut, see how you're feeling. If things keep progressing, it's okay to expect more. Okay. Awesome. This is, this is helpful. All right. Well, let us know how it goes. Let us know how the, uh, asking about the X goes and then, and, um, keep us posted on how things evolve. I will. Thank you so much. All right. Thank you. All right. Take care. Happy new year.

Thanks for listening. Don't forget tomorrow, breaking down the bios of the women pursuing Zach, the Bachelor, Justin Baldoni on Thursday for Going Deeper. Have a great week. Bye.