The Viall Files - E534 Ask Nick - Playing Long Distance Chicken

Episode Date: January 30, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss the idea of making a dating shopping list - is it setting you up for failure by judging people too quickly, or does it reduce the amount of disheartening dates on your calendar? Our first caller just got out of a four year situationship with a “man child” she works with after he made her the bottom of his priority list. To make matters worse, he then had a public melt down - in the office. Our next caller is playing a game of moving chicken with her long distance boyfriend. He lives in their hometown and she’s been commuting back four hours on weekends to see him from her new city. She knows she won’t be happy if she moves back, and needs to figure out how to ask him to try out city life on a trial basis.Our final caller is wondering if her boyfriend’s friend is acting too much like his girlfriend, including buying him an expensive vintage jacket for Christmas. Is there something going on between them that our caller doesn’t know about? “If you get back together with him, it is 100% your fault.”  If you are interested in running a book club in your city, send an email to: [e-mail]  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles Episode Socials:@viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog 

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by amanda Amanda and Allie. I'm going to try to do Amanda, Allie. Do I want you to switch? I feel like I should switch. I don't care anymore. We're going to just shame her and just switch. I don't care. Anyway, we have Allie and Amanda.

What's going on? What's new? Hey, yo. I was told recently that I should potentially look into making a list of what I'm looking for dating wise or what I would want in a partner. Because someone asked me, like, what would be on your list or what's like your kind of list of what you're looking for? Who came up with this idea? One of my friends.

And I said, well, you know, I just I want a partner. I want someone to meet me where I'm at. I want them to be just as, like as like you know motivated as I am uh and then I want them to be able to make me laugh that's it and she was like no there's more to that you want someone who's attractive you want someone who has similar values than you do and so I was like okay yeah you're right there's more on the list than I guess I couldn't disagree more with your friend I feel like lately I've been trying to do the opposite I feel like the last few people I've gone on more with your friend. I feel like lately I've been trying to do the opposite. I feel like the last few people I've gone on dates with, they wouldn't have been like someone on the street

that I would have been like, oh my gosh, I want to date them so badly. But I was like, let me open up this door and see what happens. Your friend disagrees. She thinks you should narrow your focus even more. No, I feel like maybe it's coming more so from the perspective of none of them

have gotten to the point of me wanting to actually date them seriously or have a relationship with them. So it's probably trying to eliminate the amount of dates or people I'm talking to that don't go anywhere. How many dates are you going on? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? I mean like the last. Give it some thought. Three people that I've been on dates with.

Been on one to three dates each okay but I'm saying yeah how many dates how many new how many first dates do you think you're going on

in a month that was something that came on in the premiere of The Bachelor one of the girls was like I've been on 30 first dates and I hope this is my last one

and I wrote that down as a discussion topic that we never got to which is like in your lifetime how many first dates do you think you've been on on average how many first dates do you think you go on in a month give or take one a month probably one a month and your friend thinks you you that's

out of control no i think this is coming out of a point of love like i think she genuinely just like wants me to be happy sabotage you i'm your friend's trying to sabotage you. I'm just saying I disagree with her. And I think she is not alone in her view points. Because I think there's something we said of not just like throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks, of like having more of a laser focus of knowing what you want to eliminate wasted time.

To a certain degree, sure, I suppose. But I think the problem I have with list building early on with dating is most of those things that you described, first of all, it's like, duh, like, of course, you want someone to be somewhat family oriented. But I think when we make these lists of relatively superficial things, maybe superficial is the wrong word. It's not really being all that distinctive. And then we will meet someone who we think checks all these boxes. And then we get super excited about them. And that thing that many people do or that we've all done on dates is to get it. We want to get excited. So, you know, it's a way to get us excited about someone. Check our boxes, whether it's an actual list or it's in our head. And we then we want to feel that excitement on a first date. But that excitement when we get too early causes us to

focus more on getting that person to like us rather than learning about that person. And I just don't think enough of people on these lists that they're making, they're not talking, nowhere on that list was describing how someone makes you feel other than I like to laugh is usually on that list of like, I want someone who's funny because, you know, but like, how do they make me feel? How do they make me feel loved? How do they argue? How do they deal with conflict? What's their mood and their temperament? Like the, those are, I feel like are the things that when people start dating really determine compatibility and things like that. And those other, you know, lists are just a way to, I think, get us amped up for a first date or excited or,

you know, I mean, there's so much about people that we have to go out and learn about. There's also a difference, I think, between like personhood and lifestyle. Cause like matchmaking, like I've had like probably 200 zooms with people where I've gone through, like basically asked them, zooms with people where I've gone through like basically asked them like what's important to you like kind of a similar thing and I think well with regards to kind of like the quality things like the intangibles like the not necessarily how someone makes them feel but how I like view them in a certain capacity like are they motivated are they family oriented like I think kind of to what you were saying almost everybody has the same exact thing I think where it's helpful is when you ask people to prioritize those and be like well well, which ones are at the top? Like

which one is at the top? If you had to pick only three of those, like, I think that can be a really helpful data point in terms of like, which things should I be the most selective about? But in terms of like things to actually look for while you're dating, it's like, ironically, like a question, like when you travel, like like tell me about a vacation you go on like do you like to go camping do you like to sleep in on vacation do you need to go on a itinerary what kind of hotels you like to stay at like that tells you I think a lot about the kinds of things that like come into this like shared life element of partnership and compatibility like I feel like you have spoken before about how you and Natalie are just like there's a lot of

compatibility that makes things easy and like a non-issue. Like you just naturally want to do the same thing. I feel like for matchmakers, like whether it's professionally or as friends, I feel like lists make a lot of sense for like, especially for friends on the out, looking out for you. And you know, that can be helpful. I just think for ourselves, sometimes lists early on distract us from just being open-minded and asking questions and getting to know someone you know what I'm saying especially when it comes to online dating I feel like it's also maybe kind of like the way I would think of a list I think if I had one like would probably be as like a means of like a security blanket almost of just being like I'm scared that you know there's

no like one objective answer like what's being too picky what's settling too easily and so if i have this list and i make sure that people take it then i can know i'm not settling like i think i would probably use it as a means of trying to really depends on what's on the list yeah but i feel like most people put you know family-oriented hard worker you know motivated you know likes their family like what i like these little hands i'm just saying like where does that get you but like because uh you know like you know how many fuck boys fall into that list you know what i'm saying like every fuck boy's like i love them they love their mom they love their moms oh my god and like i'm focused

on work too busy with work right now super motivated for my career you know what i'm saying it's just like i just don't know if that really gets you anywhere um and i think sometimes like yeah you know we know what we like we know what we're attracted to so it's like go out with people that you find some sort of like physical attraction to and like get to know them and ask some questions and and see where it goes but i think it's good to think about the things that you like going into dates right and maybe make a list of questions and be mindful of like you said like think about questions about compatibility things you you know diets you know things like that and you know like

what you know it might be like what you enjoy to eat or what you enjoy to watch, you know, like, you know, those might be, again, not non-negotiables, but yeah, that might tell you a little bit about something about the things that they enjoy doing and their passions. And, you know, like you figure that out. Hold on to your kilts, dearies. Peacock original, The Traitors,

is back with a new season of strategy, betrayal, sabotageage and murder this killer season features an all-new celebrity cast that vulture hailed as reality royalty living in a scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition we're talking fierce competitors reality stars in public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize this season's cutthroat missions are next level. Just like whatever Alan Cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe. One thing is for sure, these 21 players

will do anything to avoid a plot in Alan's graveyard. Find out why critics and audiences alike are raving about the Emmy award-winning series. The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for, and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession.

We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. With a Planet Fitness Black Card, you don't just get a great workout, you get a great perk out because your membership is packed with perks. For zero down and $29.99 a month, you'll get perks like access to any of our 2400 clean and spacious locations, bring a friend anytime, and both work out with tons of equipment in the judgment-free zone. An area that's like that that I sometimes think about which is just that like i need to be walked like a dog like i become tell me more i become so like pent up no um like i need to be walked like a dog no i just like i need to be walked regularly like i need to like stretch my

legs like it's not just like oh i like to get outside like i get like very like that's like what do you mean you like to walk or what do you mean i i like to walk but it is the way you're talking about it you're like you can't walk unless someone's walking no but the reason i say i need to be walked i can walk myself but it's like it's like uh it's like dogs like need to go out every day like it's like a like they'll get crazy when they're kept inside like it's not good for them like i it feels like that for me where like i feel like i loop my functioning like nose dives and i realized like i think i want to walk more than my boyfriend does and it is something that like actually it's not a big deal and sometimes they'll like bite the bullet and walk he didn't like a walk he just like there's a lot of things where it's like if it's

a 15 minute walk i want to do that he's like let's just make it a two minute drive and like that's an area low key where i'm sometimes like this says no to a walk i mean i'm not like a sometimes i'll suggest a walk with natalie but i'm i'm definitely more i'll never say no to a walk uh yeah never i mean but like if I'm available and free and it's that or like sitting on my phone on the couch

fuck yeah I'll say yes to a walk he's saying no to a good 10 minute walk he's not I have a lot of friends who are just like aren't like if I was like can we please go on a walk

although sometimes actually really you have a lot of friends who are just like anti-walk yeah and it drives me crazy because I'm like I love a walk drive is they would rather do what? Drive? Is this like in a commute or is this like a pastime?

Who wants to drive more than walk? It's just like... I don't mean like to a place. I understand... Like the functionality. Like friends who are just like, we can like hang out and talk like inside or we can be cooking while we hang out. It's not like they're like, I want to just sit like a bump on a wall like but who just aren't trying to walk and i'm trying to walk constantly i didn't like to walk until i figured out the right socks for me because i blister like it's my day job

but maybe we could just recommend the correct socks for him some good footwear and he has a footwear problem no i mean sometimes he'll work like because he works on like music video like he does he's been on his feet his stuff is like he does like really physically demanding work so i get like there's that i get after like a long day but i don't ask him to walk at the end of a long day i'm just like can we rather go for a drive no drive somewhere like if yeah like there's a grocery store or like a restaurant down the street and he'll drive he'd much rather. Then there's other times where I'm like, can we go for a walk? Yeah. And he's not into it.

He won't say no. Like if I like was like- I would never say no to a 15 minute walk to a restaurant. Now he might though. Footwear is different. If she's wearing heels, it's different. But she also really likes to walk. But like every once in a while,

it's like, I'm not, you know, she's dressed up or whatever. Oh, yeah. I don't really wear footwear that I can't walk in because i just like i have so much awe for people who can like endure discomfort in the name of fashion i feel like that's where my like new england practicality comes in i don't think I've ever seen you in heels. Yeah. Do you own heels? Yeah. I mean like, yeah,

but like not that I wear unless it's like a wedding. Like how many, are they called pumps? Sure. Like stilettos? Zero. In terms of like heels over

like two and a half inches. I have, I have one pair of amazing boots that has flames on them and I wear them so pair of amazing boots that has flames on them and I wear them so infrequently. That has flames on them? Yeah, they're very... They're like Lightning McQueen.

Yeah. They're not like... I did a bad job of describing it. It's not like... That makes it sound like... Like Guy Fieri. I'm picturing these boots right now. Can you bring them up?

Flavor town. Yeah, I totally do actually. Very quickly, I just wanted to say if we were back to your list thing like within the model of like if there were to be like prioritized things like what do you think your top few things on the list would be or like in i don't know if you actually did it with your friend but was there anything that you found was like super like relevant or helpful i mean yeah let's make

a list but like let's make a good list yeah i would say see now it's i feel like i'm on like yeah you know um no i would say the like being equally as motivated or like more of like a power couple partner vibe is very high on that great but that's not something you really will know you'll have to get to know someone to really know if you're yeah compatible that way but i'm just because that's one of those things you asked me. You asked me for a list. No, I know, but that's what I'm saying. So like, this is us brainstorming a list and like what's actually useful on a list versus like,

because a list would be something that you have like, you know, in your back pocket as you are kind of filtering out a bunch of options for people you ultimately know nothing about, right? So like, if you're going to have a list like that, it needs to be something that is both like something you can tell fairly quickly without really getting to know them, you know,

that they could tell you. And two, it's got to like actually serve some purpose as it relates to like what you're trying to find and build, you know, like, you know, maybe like wanting kids could be on that list because that's a non-negotiable and that's something for the most part

you can find out early on whether someone is interested in having kids or not. Sure, that can change. I mean, I don't know if that's a non-negotiable for me, but. I'm just giving an example of a potential list that people could have where they want to live, things like that. But yeah, I want someone to be motivated

and us be both career focused. Yeah, I mean, people can say that about themselves, but you know what I'm saying? That's one of those things people could self-identify and you could go on a couple dates with them and then you could realize, yeah, you might think you're motivated, but you're not like me.

And so you're just gonna have to go and get to know them. So I know that's why when it comes to lists. That part of the list, I've been able to figure out very early on for everyone I've dated. How so? Or gone on a first date with, of like how they fill their days.

Well, how are you qualifying this? I'm curious. Well, I mean like think about two of the last three people I've gone on dates with. I think it's like kind of easy to know if someone is like passionate about their career and is like moving up the ladder or like showing up to work every day.

Like you'd be shocked the amount of people in LA who are just like chilling. It's tough in LA because it's like, I mean, people have to find that passion and find that job, you know? And it's tough to be motivated for people who haven't yet found something that motivates them.

And so, you know what I'm saying? You could be going on dates with a lot of guys that in the right environment could be gangbusters and just really be crushing life. But they're just kind of trying to find that lane. And it's especially LA, it's a tough world to find someone who's still on the search for a career or a profession and be highly motivated. That's something that I think is so hard to think about like because i think ultimately i'd want a partner who if i was like just had a like wicked depressive bout and was really like lost and struggling and like searching to like pivot professionally and find a calling like i would want someone who like accepts and supports me

through that but then and i think acceptance is such a big thing for all people's partners is wanting to feel accepted by another person but then dating is kind of inherently like the opposite of acceptance because you're deciding like you're judging and so it's like really hard to know and granted it's like why would you invest in someone who is like struggling when you could probably find someone who's not is I feel like the mentality that a lot of people have in dating which is like yeah because the more while you're talking about I'm thinking like as a highly motivated person myself I am attracted to people who are also motivated and have some sort of purpose but like again I think about Natalie right you know it's like, that definitely just wasn't on my radar. And I, and I didn't really think about or consider or even know about like, you know, her work ethic

until maybe a few months in, you know, it's just, and I feel like if I, if that was something I put on top of my priority list early on and was really focused on trying to figure out how motivated of a person she is i definitely think i could have got it wrong i think the list thing can can be uh something that gets us in in trouble early on so i don't know hold on to your kilts dearies peacock original the traitors is back with a new season of strategy betrayal sabotage and murder this killer season features an all-new celebrity cast that Vulture hailed as reality royalty, living in a Scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition. We're talking fierce competitors, reality stars,

and public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize. This season's cutthroat missions are next level, just like whatever Alan cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe one thing is for sure these 21 players will do anything to avoid a plot in alan's graveyard find out why critics and audiences alike are raving about the emmy award-winning series the new york times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for and vox adding that it should be your new reality tv obsession. We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. Hey, we've got a secret.

This podcast is supported by Apples Never Fall, a chilling new mystery series from the author of Big Little Lies, starring Annette Bening, Sam Neill, Jake Lacey, and Alison Brie. It's sure to get people talking. What dark secrets lurk in this family? Tune in on March 21st to find out. Apples never fall. Exclusively on W Network and Stack TV.

Housekeeping notes for the week. Tune in to our Bachelor recap, to our going deeper. And, oh, not what I was expecting. Yeah, not what I was expecting. So we have our Bachelor recap with Jim Jeffries yes friend of show our favorite I cannot wait to tell first time I went to Vegas

on account of Jim Jeffries and I can't wait to tell him about my trip this weekend you have a little crush on Jim not in a romantic way as a human oh yeah oh yeah I have like a dinner party crush on Jimim jeffries like i would forever like to be on each other's dinner parties list going deeper taylor and taylor lotner yeah that should be a lot of fun some catch up on what they're doing with their love and

their relationship maybe they have some uh marriage or wedding planning advice for me and um it'll be great to catch up with them and see what they're up to be a ton of fun with the lotners our live show our live show better date than never better date than never don't miss it it's a ton of fun people love it the reviews are in everyone thinks it's the most amazing show and fun all about date we're talking ix and one-liners and drinks and we're helping people figure out if they should go on second dates. It's all very dating-focused. It's like having a large group of friends that break down all your dates,

and we're letting people join in. It's live and interact with us. Make sure you tune in. We're back to 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific. I know we moved it last week, but we're going to try to stick with our regularly scheduled program. Is that it? Yeah, and if you haven't checked out the update episode from last week,

be sure to give that a listen. Yeah, make sure to check out that update episode dropped on Friday. Everyone loves those. Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good, how are you?

Good, what's your name? Nicole, I'm 30 years old How can we help, Nicole? So I just got out of a four-year situation with a manipulative older man-child that I have to continue working with Okay, and I'm assuming your question is how do you navigate that basically? Exactly. So we've been through many different cycles of our relationship over the

past four years, but we've never totally closed the door on any sort of relationship, whether it be a friendship, romantic, otherwise. So now we have to work together almost every day. And I'm trying to navigate how to be professional without wanting to come across as a psychopath. Okay. Well, get the worrying about coming across as a psychopath out of your head. I mean, I'm assuming you're not a psychopath, but you're allowed to get upset. It doesn't mean you're a psychopath. you're allowed to get upset. It doesn't mean you're a psychopath. I'd love for you to share with us what was the kind of catalyst for you to finally decide to move on for the people who are out there in long-term situations. What was it for you that made you finally kind of wake up

and realize I'm not getting what I deserve in this other than obviously you reading my book. I did read your book. And actually there was that one section that I felt like struck home to me. And I'm like, wow, I'm being called out. And that played a role later in my healing process. But for me with him, it actually, somebody else came into my life and I had kind of shunned off relationships. And even though I had kind of shunned off relationships. And even though I had told everybody, no, I'm totally open and receptive to potentially meeting other men, I definitely wasn't. And I was holding out hope.

And then I finally was open and met somebody who showed me what it actually meant to be in a healthy, communicative relationship. And for somebody that I knew for a couple of weeks treated me better than somebody that I knew for over four years was a big wake up call and told me I needed to make some changes in my life. Well, I'm glad that you were able to find that. Are you in a committed, defined relationship with this new person? committed, defined relationship with this new person? Unfortunately, no. So when I met him,

he was coming out of a marriage, a three-month marriage, and they were going through a divorce, had been separated for eight months. And I think I was the first person that he had met that he was interested in post-marriage. And we went on a date and we were there for five hours and connected it was beautiful thing and then it kind of snowballed but very quickly and i think it was a little bit of trauma bonding going on and some other things that like brought us together like very quickly um and then i went away on vacation and he was like freaking out that I was gone. And I was like, oh, we've known each other like a month. And this is a little crazy, but OK, like we like attention. And then I got back and he was like, I'm not OK.

Like, I'm not ready to be in a relationship. I'm not over my marriage yet. So unfortunately, we had to separate after knowing that information. Well, I'm kind of glad to be honest. I mean, I'm sorry that he was in that situation, but it sounds like you were able to take from that situation all the positive aspects that you needed to get out of this past relationship, which is great. You know, you need, you needed that kind of catalyst, you know, that wake up call, but I'm glad that it sounds like despite being disappointed about this new guy, you didn't revert back to wanting to be with the old guy. It was more just, Hey, once I gave someone another shot, they treated me in a way that I desired and I want. And if nothing else,

this new guy kind of gave you a glimpse of the type of behavior you should be searching for and expect and be patient for and willing to fight for rather than giving people who constantly show you that they're not willing to do that. And I think that's a fairly positive outcome. Yes. Unfortunately, though, I wasn't that smart at the time because while I was dating the new guy, I was talking to the guy I was in a situation ship with still, and we would go out to lunch and we were texting and I knew myself and that I had to draw the line at a certain point with the new guy, it was getting quite serious. I'm like, all right, I can't continue doing this. I did get back in contact with my situationship and we like made plans to hang out and it ended up falling through.

And that's what ultimately led me to end things because when he canceled the plans on us having dinner, I found out that week that when the night we were supposed to go out, that he went out with his guy friends. And I, like he had told me this via text message and I was like, okay. So you have time to go out with your guy friends, but don't have time to hang out with me. And he's like, my priorities are my kids, guys night golf, and you can sit there and wait. He said that to you. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I don't wait for anybody. I'm not a dog. And he, he responded and said, oh, well. And I was like, it's really embarrassing that you think you can make that comment. You think that that's appropriate. And he's like, well, you thought it was okay for you to tell me that that you don't wait for anybody i was like well we all have our limits yeah i mean yeah i mean actually it's probably the nicest thing he he did

for you was say that to you to be honest yeah because that showed me like his real character i was like that was a really disgusting comment and that's where what you think of me and yeah i just showed you where his priorities lied and he said it in a very honest, that was a really disgusting comment. And that's what you think of me. And you're a higher. Yeah, I just showed you where his priorities lied. And he said it in a very honest way that was very sobering for you to hear. You know, like in the past, my guess is he did it. He wasn't as honest and sugarcoated how he really felt. I mean, like he's not a bad person for having priorities that aren't in line with you. He was a bad guy because he was never really

that honest with you. And then finally chose to say it, not because he wanted to be honest, but he was upset with you for how you communicated with him. Yeah. So back to your original question, you work with this guy? Sounds like, yeah. Yeah. So we don't work on the same team or in the same company, but we work together on the same projects that we're going to continue working with each other probably over the next year. And him and his brother own their company. And I have a really good relationship with his brother. And it's been hard because there's a lot of layers, like there was family involved and everything like in this situation ship over the course of the years. And ultimately, when I held him accountable after this text message incident had occurred, and calling him out for the past like four years

of the way that he has treated me and it being on his terms when it's convenient for him and he sees me when he wants to see me. He told me essentially that I was delusional, that I was like living a Hallmark fantasy and to stop involving myself in his family. And I felt like there was obviously there's no coming back from that. And the communication between him and I moving forward would need to be handled through people that we work with aside from him, which it's just not possible, especially him being one of the partners of the company and us actually having to be with each other in a real life setting multiple times a week. So his brother and I, who are also good friends, I'm trying to like navigate that relationship. And I don't know what he knows or what he has been told. And then trying to work together and be normal in front of professionals that know us to be like really good friends and try to act like there's no tension or drama there.

act like there's no tension or drama there. When actually yesterday, he basically had a meltdown in front of everybody and acted completely unprofessional. And it was the first time we had seen each other since this happened. What did he do when he had the meltdown? Give us some deets. So just for context, he's 46 years old. Okay. So there's an age gap there. So he's older, more mature, you would think. So we're sitting there talking about just stuff that was going on for the project. And for the first time, he ignored me in the beginning of the meeting. I'm like, okay, we can do this.

You want to ignore me? Fine. And then it came to the point where we actually had to communicate. And when we did it it was fine we you know we made eye contact we talked and that was always like what bonded us together was working like we're both very passionate about what we do so that's kind of what always connected us and drew us back to each other so we kind of like hit our stride with that so um we were having scheduling conflicts that ultimately delayed the project. And when he found out about that, he was using that almost as like a catalyst to say why he was unable

to perform his work at the time that he was supposed to. And in this situation, he's a subcontractor and I'm the client. So technically he works for me and I'm his boss. So he was just, yeah, it's a beautiful thing. So he was just acting just unprofessionally and was like, no, I'm not meeting your schedule. I can't be there. And not even directly to me, but to the contractor that he works for directly. And they know that we have a relationship, but professionally in any other situation, that would be unacceptable for me to tolerate that

kind of behavior and someone telling me that they can't do the job that they're being paid to do. And in the past, I would always make excuses for him because I understood like his pipeline and the volume of work that he had going on. So I was more sympathetic to him. And at this point I owe him nothing. And I don't need, like, he was looking at me to back him up to agree that the project had been delayed. So therefore he couldn't show up to do the job that he needed to do. And everybody on the, like he was screaming and everybody, there was about like 50 people at the project and everybody was staring at him. And I just walked away and got in my car and I'm like, this isn't my problem anymore. That's great. I love that. I love that you had that. I mean,

I had that response. I mean, I mean, all, all you can do is it sounds like his keep doing what you're doing, you know? Yeah. You, you just have to continue to remind yourself that you finally really saw him for who he is and the type of person that he is. And then just accept that that is who he is as a 47-year-old man. No one's changing here. You know what I'm saying? So you have to, you know, people in your shoes who relapse or fall back into this trap, well, then once you start

missing him or get lonely, you'll be like, well, I just miss these moments or I miss our conversations and he would always do this and it would make me feel good and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You have to stop only prioritizing the ways he only made you feel good and stop deprioritizing the ways he made you feel bad. Yeah, and I think you're absolutely right and so if you find yourself wondering and missing him or considering hanging out with him you need to like say you need to like have this kind of conversation with yourself stop no what am i saying yes to i'm saying yes to a person who you know said these things and it doesn't matter if he's going to apologize.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just having a bad day. It's like, no, you have four years of evidence about who he is and what he is prioritizing, and he's just not going to magically change. He might try to meet his immediate needs by changing his tune and saying things, but it's not changing his overall character you know, character or who he is or changing his priorities or anything like that. And then, you know,

maybe you do take advantage of the fact that you have a pretty solid relationship with his brother. And I don't think you need to get into it. And I don't think you need to like sit down with him and have a cup of coffee and get into all the tea and the drama. But I think you did get to say to him,

hey, listen, I don't know if you know this, but we're no longer hanging out. I'm fine. I hope he's fine. But I just want to move forward. And obviously, we have a working relationship. So I want to maintain and keep things professional. And I just want to, from a professional standpoint, just keep you in the loop. I promise I'll continue to be professional. I'll keep this relationship, working relationship going. Obvious as a person, as a friend, I think you're great and we can be friends. But I also understand if you need to be a brother to your brother first, and we will just, if nothing else, we'll just be great professional colleagues. And just kind of set that expectation with his brother without getting into the drama. I think if the brother wants to get into the drama,

I think you just try to avoid it and just say, hey, I really want to keep this professional. I want to focus on maintaining this working relationship. That should be your priority. And you just communicating that with his brother, I think would be a positive thing. So actually, I'm supposed to be going out to lunch with his brother on Friday, and been trying to get together with me. I think he knows something, but I don't know that he knows the full story. So that's what I've kind of been struggling with. It's like, okay, it's really none of his business, a full reason why we're no longer in the situation we were. But there needs to be some context. And since this has happened, his daughter reached out to me directly, asking me for a job.

His parents are still communicating with me. And it's very uncomfortable. You got to shut all that down. communicating with me and it's like very uncomfortable because like i mean i you know you gotta you gotta shut all that down you know i i don't even know if lunch with his brother is the best thing you'll have to judge for yourself but like i i really i strongly feel that you need to go out of your way to set the tone that this is now going forward, simply just a professional relationship. And you're, again,

you're down to be friends with him. Yeah. As long as it doesn't come in conflict with him being a bro, like you understand that he might need to be a brother to his brother and business partner. And like, that's fine. You know,

I'm, I'm, I want to be your friend, but I understand that you might have other priorities, you know, but I do want to make sure that we're good on a professional level. We're good. And just know that I will, you know, uh, I will go out of my way to make sure and avoid any drama. And I will, you know, keep my personal feelings about your brother aside. It's just, and, and, and I wouldn't

even get in, I wouldn't talk shit to your, his brother at all. You know, you just, you just say, I just decided to move on. It just, I wasn't going anywhere and he wasn't able to give me what I wanted more. And I just accepted that, you know, it's, it's been a long time coming and it's just best going forward. And I would just be really level-headed about it. And just, you know, even if like, I know, and I'm sure it might be much easier said than done, but you know, I think from a professional standpoint, it'll go a long way. And I think, you know, as far as his parents and maybe if parents are reaching out, you just simply, you know, I wouldn't ghost them, but I would just maybe have that conversation with, if they're still reaching out, you just say, Hey, listen, like, I don't know if you've heard,

but like, I'm no longer dating your son. And i wish you guys nothing but the best i think you were wonderful parents and blah blah blah blah blah blah but you know we're no longer dating and i need to move on so thank you yeah no i agree and the part where i don't trust myself is this has happened before where we've like cut off communication and then it's like a cycle and you're gonna have you're gonna have a moment you're gonna have maybe many moments yeah um and you're gonna have to really prepare yourself for that and just knowing that it's gonna happen is step one and it's gonna happen when you know like maybe from a dating standpoint things slow down and you know and when he really believes that you're gone he's gonna start being super fucking charming and he's gonna say a bunch of things and he's gonna start

like you know acting like the person you always wanted him to be he's just not he's 40 fucking seven years old he's been doing this for four years like the amount of of work that would be required for him to change who he is as a person would take years, I would think. I want you to get to a place in feeling this way when you're more or less kind of indifferent. When you've lost that anger and you get to a more stable, possibly boring state of mind and still see him for who he is. Um, because your anger kind of is propelling you right now. And when you lose that anger and you start getting over the hurt of what he said to you, and it just like, you know, it's like, Oh, whatever. You know, uh, when that died, when that dies down, that's when you will be susceptible to want to hang out with him in the future. And when the anger dies down,

you need to still think of this situation the way you think of it now and still value what you deserve to have in relationship and still remember how this other guy, despite him not being ready to pursue you, it wasn't about him or why he treated you the way he did. It was just the fact that he did treat you that way and he showed you that it's possible

and he showed that there are men out there and people out there who can give you what you deserve and prioritize you the way you want to be prioritized. And you just remember that feeling and, and, and just, you know, be patient for it. But like, and then use that feeling of frustration that you wasted energy on him is, is, uh, kind of a shield to not give in and not waste any more time and, and go out there and give other men and other people, you know, your energy and your time because our time is limited and stop wasting it on him.

Yeah, I agree. And I think just also peeling the layers back from his family and distancing that because I always had some sort of like piece of him, like if it was his brother or his parents or his sister-in-law, like there was some layer of him that was still present, even if he wasn't there. And I feel like just removing all of that from my life will also be very helpful. Exactly. I mean, and because you have the kind of complicated work relationship, you don't, you know, you'll have to decide yourself how, what you can handle, but focus on professionalism as it relates to your job. If his, you know, the daughter, it was a daughter

or whatever, whoever, you know, can daughter, it was a daughter or whatever, whoever, you know, can you help her? Sure. But you're helping her as a mentor and you're kind of like as a third party, Hey, I can make an introduction, but you're not there to sit down with her and, and give her boy advice or even like really career advice. It's just more like from, from a distance. Sure. You can send an email and put in a good word for her but that's about it you know like you're not there to you know to be her she wanted to work directly for me yeah yeah you got you just got to set that boundary and and shut it down but yeah focus on being a on the professionalism aspect of it all and shut down any kind of um intimate relationship with his family or his kids or certainly him or

even the brother. The friendship, you're not really going to be friends with this guy. You can be friendly with him, but you guys aren't going to be friends. And don't kid yourself that you can, because that's just you, as you mentioned, holding on to hope. And we need to let hope as it relates to him go. I had hope for four years. I think the hope is dead at this point. If it didn't change over the four years, and like you said, he's 46 years old, he's set in his ways. And if he's not trying to change, then i just have to accept that and move on yeah all right uh well uh check in with us in a few months i i and uh i i don't don't disappoint me no i won't i won't let us both down nick all right all right take care thank you so much all right

bye-bye how's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Riley and I'm 28 years old. How can we help Riley? Me and my long distance boyfriend are not willing to compromise on moving to one another. Okay. Well, that's a bit of a non-negotiable.able yeah it's kind of come down to that a little bit i mean like you know the short answer is you're gonna have to break up but uh

kind of i mean yeah i mean so have you both said hey gonna it's like i'm not i'm not moving like where have we when it comes to these conversations is it really like we know that neither of us are doing it or is it more uh neither of us really we really don't want to do it um i'm pretty non-negotiable about it. I do not want to move where he is. It's our hometown. And so I'm not willing, really. He says he's not willing and it's all valid reasons. But I kind of think if I like hold the like, neither of us want to move. so we need to break up. I think he would be like, okay, I'll move type thing. Like, okay, I'll do it. You know?

I mean, it might be what you have to do. I also think he would resent me a lot because he doesn't like it here where I am. And I also don't want it to come to that. You might not have a choice. It's definitely possible. He could resent you. I think he,

I truly genuinely think he would like, not like it here and not like me and just hate the whole entire situation. Is it like you're from a small town and now you live in a city type of thing? Yeah. I mean, I don't live in a giant city but um i live in a bigger city he's in our hometown and he's comfortable there he's very happy there and i just don't want to be there. Well, as it relates to you, is there any part of you, when you think about the fact that you might break up as a result of this, is there even 1% of you that's kind of like,

I mean, you know, I get to get on the apps and date a little bit. I'm kind of curious what's out there. You know, like. Not really. No. Okay. All right.

You're truly just sad about this situation. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And there's like a lot of really good things about our relationship that I love, but I can't get past us having this issue. Yeah, it's a big issue and it's definitely a potential non-negotiable. Yeah.

But, you know, sometimes people have to make tough choices and tough sacrifices. And he might, you know, have feelings of resentment, but can you work through that probably you know i would certainly highly encourage you guys to to seek out couples therapy uh if you guys make that decision um and you're going to if if he does make this move for you you're gonna have to go out of his way to you know show that gratitude and make some you know you're gonna have to figure out what sacrifices can you make to even the playing field you know uh you certainly are gonna have to travel back home probably a lot you know i mean that's kind of the thing is i travel to, we're only four hours apart. Okay, that's doable.

So it's not a huge trek, but I spend almost every weekend there. So I'm like living like this double life type thing. I live at his house on the weekends. I mean, yeah. So do you really, you have so many great things. You said you have a lot of, so many great things about the relationship you love. Are you really,

I mean, are you both going to end this relationship because of a four hour car ride? You know, like he can't, he can't move and be with the woman he loves. And despite it not being, you know, his first place to live,

he's still a four hour drive away to like, and now that you guys live together, you know, you're going to live, he's still a four hour drive away to like, and now that you guys live together, you know, you're going to get a little sick of each other. You're going to be on top of each other a little bit. And he can be like, babe, going home for the weekend, hanging out with the boys. And you'd be like, great. I'll see you on Sunday night. And you know, like, you know, there's, it's the fact that it's only a four hour drive is like, not, it's like very doable here. You know, there's... The fact that it's only a four-hour drive is, like, not... It's, like, very doable here, you know? That's what my point kind of is. I feel like it's more of a non-negotiable for me

that I don't go there. We don't talk about it a lot right now, but we have, like, a lot of pressure from, like, other people, like, oh, when are you moving home? When is he moving like type of thing yeah and eventually you will need to be together yeah we know it's not sustainable and i think it kind of is getting to that point and that's why i kind of wrote in because i'm kind of exhausted what are your reasons for not being willing to move home?

I'm just curious. I mean, well, I've been in this area for like seven years now and I love my job. I love my coworkers. I love my boss. I have really good friends here. I have structure like schedule. Like I just am very happy with who i am here

and i tried to move home like two years ago and it only lasted eight months and that's like when i met him interesting and yeah and so and and then then for him, what are those, like, would he say the exact same thing that you're saying to me? Yeah. He has like. What's he do for work? Like blue collar. He's a welder. They could probably do that anywhere, huh?

Well, the thing is, is his company has a sister company here that he could just transfer to. And it's way more money here because it's a bigger city, more opportunity. And so I just think it's more beneficial to both of us. Yeah, I mean, listen, that's all great that you think that. But from his point of view, it's kind of a waste of your energy to try to convince him you know he's just gonna you're you're gonna have to just simply say i i need you to you're for us to be together and i want you to because i love you but i i gotta i gotta put my foot down here someone's gonna put their foot down and i'm putting my foot down. And I, and, and because I, I did try, I have tried and I just, I can't, I can't do it. And I will understand

if you can't do it either. I'm just truly hoping that you can do this for us. And, and he could say, well, I want you to do this for us too. And you could say like, I know, but I'm, you know, someone's going to have to just rise above and then you're going to have to figure out ways how to make him feel like you're going to make some sacrifices for him in the relationship because the resentment is going to come from you, him being the one to do this and him making the sacrifice. And I did this for you and I did this for us. And are you doing and whether he actually says that or feels that so you're gonna have to figure out ways to go out of your way to show your appreciation to make sacrifices I think that's where I get kind of stubborn how so is I just I'm like I go there every weekend and I sacrifice all this time.

And I'm kind of living like this double life where I go to him all the time, constantly. So you're not, he's not, he's not visiting you at all. You're not flip flopping. I mean, he does. It's like 75% me going there, him 25%. Yeah. And it's not a huge, like, it's not a huge like it's not a huge thing but it gets exhausting especially after like a year and a half of doing it i think potentially framing that not as a like scorekeeping i you owe me this but as a more a way of saying i care about you so much and these are the ways that i try to demonstrate in actions that I care about you

and that I prioritize this relationship and I want it to work. So that way, like hopefully not triggering defensiveness, but then in kind of demonstrating the ways that you have tried to care for in the past and also leaving it very open-ended of how can, if you were to move with me, like what can we do to mitigate that? How can I step up in every way possible to make that better how which i'm willing to do yeah have you expressed to him the frustrations about how often you're going there versus him coming here yeah and he actually

really does when i do communicate it because sometimes I shut down when I do communicate it he responds well and he's like and like he even came last weekend and he's coming this weekend type thing so he responds well but I don't communicate it super well which I realized but um I think another thing for us with him moving here is he owns his own house in our hometown and I rent and I have a roommate and so I think that would be different for us if he moved here because I'm not sure if we could like buy a house or rent a house and like living situations would be different and so i just i really like i think into the future a lot and yeah i mean i just can't get past he definitely has that like from an you know well i'm more settled here i have a house it just makes more sense you know but he you know in terms of like what makes more sense, it sounds like there's a tie, you know?

Yeah. That's what's, oh, it's so hard. I guess I only say that because you just throw that out the window. You know, you guys need to stop having this, these negotiations because it's kind of a moot point. You know that you're not willing to move that. That's, that's it. That's fine. And call it what you want.

You just know that. And that's important that you know that because you can't be happy. So you guys are like, well, I have a house, but you have a job here. At the end of the day, regardless, the fact that he has a sister company there makes it nice if he does decide to move, but that's not why he's going to move. He's going to move because he's not willing to lose you. That's it. It's that simple.

And he's going to be because he's not willing to lose you that's it it's that simple you know we and he's going to be willing to make the sacrifice yeah yeah we had kind of like we don't talk about it a lot but like we had kind of a conversation and he was like so you're saying if i don't move we have to break up and i was like i don't really like want to dive deep into this because i don't think any of it's going to happen anytime soon you know well you can't keep avoiding it conversation yeah you got to stop doing that yeah you got to face it i wonder could it be helpful to frame it as like let's can you live here for a year like get renters for your house we'll like sign a year long lease and sort of say like i've done you know because you tried the hometown thing for eight months almost a year and so just framing as this is not like the end of the conversation

granted of course like i don't you know you know yourself best so i don't want you to feel like you're setting this up for like an even bigger bomb to go off a year down the line but even just like framing it as like i want to do what's best for us. Let's see how we grow and the relationship evolves. Sure. Could he rent the house too? I am assuming he could. I don't think it's the worst idea.

I just, yeah. I think he could easier than me moving there. Yeah. I mean, again, like what's easier and harder, I think you need to just kind of drop that. It's going to be an inconvenience to him to move. It's going to be an inconvenience to you if you were to change tune and move there.

You guys are both going to have to make sacrifices to make this relationship work. That's all that really matters. And you guys get into the weeds when you start like, you know, trying to value or devalue, you know, each other's priorities or deciding for the other person. Well, it's no big deal because I have a sister company. You know, like, you know, you got to stop doing that with each other. It's like, well, I have to sell, sell you know either it's worth it or it's not

either you're gonna make sacrifices or you're not and it just comes down to that and then figuring out together what sacrifices you guys are willing to make as a team to make this relationship work because you will have to continue to make sacrifices

for this relationship to work and he might have to make this big one and move but you will still have to continue to make sacrifices for this relationship to work and he might have to make this big one and move but you will still have to figure out other sacrifices to make it work and i do think you need to stop avoiding the conversation because you might as well find out sooner than later yeah i feel like the conversation is there between like everyone besides me and him yeah so start start start having it you know and and say like listen i i ultimately yes i because i just know deep down in my heart i won't be the same person and i'll be different and maybe that maybe you feel the same way and i hope that you don't and i'm just really hoping because i do love you that you're willing to do this but i i can't and i'm sorry but yeah i do think unfortunately as much as it breaks my heart and i will be truly heartbroken that i don't think we're going to last unless you're willing to move

and and then from amanda's point of view maybe you suggest like would you be willing to try it for a year you know and then you both have to accept that like well he's like well but i don't have to like rent yeah like you you you guys are going to have in this is going to create inconveniences yeah i didn't really think about it like trying it for a year because he can i mean if it doesn't work out he can always go back i think that's my thing is where if i moved there i know i'd be unhappy and i probably wouldn't be able to come back to like my job whatever blah blah but he just i don't know it's difficult it is but it's not impossible and you just have to be willing to have the conversation.

You guys are going to have to deal with it. So I guess if he's really not willing to, I guess that means we're just not meant to be together for a long time. I mean, at the end of the day, as much as you hate saying it, because it's like when he's like, oh, so if I don't move, you're gonna break up with me. It sounds shitty to say.

Yeah. But the reality is like, you know, religion, politics, sometimes, unfortunately, uh,

where you want to live. Those are non-negotiables. They're not pet peeves. Those are important things that like you need to be on the same page on to make a relationship work. And, and that, and speaks to your lack of compatibility despite how much you care about each other. And that might be a tough reality to face, but it's still a reality. And avoiding it is just wasting each other's time. Yeah, that was my other thing is I'm like if neither of us are willing but do we just

enjoy kind of like the really good things about our relationship or should we just end it no i mean a non-negotiable is a non-negotiable and non-negotiables are reasons to end relationship despite love still existing in the between the two people because you both realize i need this to be happy i don't want to change my religion because to me my religion is a big part of who i am i don't want to move because i want to be close to my immediate family you know you know other people it's you know those are those are deeply rooted kind of values that people have and some people don't you know and those matter and if if if you don't have that like it doesn't it's just gonna you're right it's gonna have so much

frustration and angst and then you can't be in the same city and things like that so you might he you got to see if he's willing to try see if he's willing to get through his resentment will do it out of like guilt like i don't want to lose you, so I'll do it, but I'm going to hate it. Like, that's just... Well, and then if he says that, you say, well, listen, obviously, I don't want you to hate it. And I'm just hoping that you'll be surprised. And, like, I accept that if you move, that might happen, you know? And that's the thing.

Are you both willing to take this risk and have it not work out only for him to have to move back you know like these are just tough choices you guys are gonna have to make you know how much do you want to and that's the thing at the end of the day it just comes down to your priorities you know yeah i do feel a little stubborn slash selfish for me. Like, actually, no, that's not true because I'm just putting my foot down. I don't want to move back there. I've already tried it.

I hate it. Whatever. Yeah. Listen, maybe it is a little selfish of you, but like you, if you, if you aren't happy, you can't be happy in a relationship and that's unromantic and, and whatever, but it's still a reality. You know, it just is. The other thing that I would add is I had a friend who was dating a guy. They met one summer. He was the year behind her in college, like in our hometown of Boston.

They'd been long distance for three years. And so right after college, because she was ahead of him, she moves to SF. She works in coding. She had the most amazing life there. The plan was he's gonna look for a job in sf join her there he applied for jobs for like years truly two years and was unable to find a job part of this was like the pandemic but she decided she was going to move back to boston so that way they could be in the same city have a year living you know both

independently and then move in together was kind of her plan and honestly like myself and I think some of our other friends were like what are you doing like how are you like you've built this amazing life for yourself in SF you're so happy you have this awesome apartment you have awesome roommates like you're gonna leave this you're just gonna like go back to Boston like you know you have all your whole life to go back to Boston but I think something that my mom said that really changed the way I viewed it she's like she's an adult and like she knows what she's doing and I think just like something to keep in mind as you do navigate this incredibly complicated situation is like constantly checking in with yourself about like what is like a true deep feeling and what is like kind of optics because I can totally imagine like from a pride standpoint

or a stubbornness like there's probably a part of you that's like in the context of the this conversation I cannot view moving back there as an option but I think yeah in the way that you're asking him to be open and try that out for a year also doing your best to like be really honest with yourself and if there is space for openness and knowing that you're an adaptable person who can grow and change and there might be conditions down the line where you would be able to move back to your hometown and maybe they wouldn't be. And so it's like and there's no it's completely morally neutral, whichever it is. But just like I don't know, I think sometimes like I learned a lot from that in terms of like getting caught up in it. That's a good point, too. And like and I love that you have a job that you value and and um i love that you're

prioritizing that at the same time you know uh in a world where people having a hard time finding and making connections with people you know i think that brings a lot of people in this world happiness is who they choose to spend their life with and have a family with and have that community and and those things are truly hard to find and so it yeah it is hard jobs come and go i know that's where i'm i struggle with that too because in our hometown like my family's there his family's there we our friends are there. And so it would be like, like it's kind of. How old are you again? I'm 28. Okay.

So people just assume that I am going to be the one that moves because of all those factors. But like, I, I love it here generally. And so I just, I don't know. You are. And how old is he? 27. Okay. So yeah, I mean, for your trial,

you guys could live there for five years and then, you know, all of a sudden you're 32, 33. I don't, do you want kids? Yeah. Yeah. So you want kids. Maybe when you start planning a family, your priorities might drastically change. Yeah. Free babysitting from two sets of

parents could be an absolute game changer. And you're like, I love my job, but like, I've, I've been fulfilled by that. I'm ready to start a family. And maybe again, maybe he decides to stay home and be, you know, you know, uh, the stay at home dad. I don't know, but I, I'm confident in saying that your priorities are going to change, both of you, in the next three to five years. So, you know, the fact that you have tried, is he willing to try?

Is he willing to make a sacrifice, one that you've already tried before he existed, and, you know, live there for a year or two, and still be able to drive home on the weekends and visit his boys and maybe it's every other weekend you know he's already traveling and his friends can come out here and and then you guys figure out you know trips for whatever and you know whatever like you could definitely make it work and just be open to you know things things changing in a year from now maybe you

fucking hate each other you break up you know but i i think there's some manageable ways here to try to make this work but i do think you more than anything stop avoiding the conversation i think you're right i think i should be a little more assertive about asking him to actually like consider moving here yeah and just say like maybe it's like who knows maybe i what i do know is right now where i'm at in my life at 28 years old i need this i need to be at this job i need this i can't go home when we if we get if we get to the point where we start having a family together, it could, I'm not making promises, but it could make a lot of sense for us to move back home.

You know? Fair. And yeah. And you don't need to sell your house. You can just rent it out for the year. Try to rent it out. We'll make it work. Yeah, I think that's a big thing that he's concerned about

is he owns his house and we wouldn't own here probably because it's more expensive okay that's fine too as long you still own the real estate you know you're renting here it's fine not every you don't like yeah you want to own a home but like renting isn't always the bad option especially if you're not sure if you're committed to that area so like who who really knows so um it's definitely manageable um and you both need to acknowledge that like you're not going to be able to neither of you're going to be able to do this without like having inconveniences so like sometimes when people have this conversation you're trying to figure out how can this how can we do this without either of us being annoyed or inconvenienced no you're gonna you're

going to be annoyed you're going to be inconvenienced and you're doing it because ultimately the priority is each other in the relationship and you're just going to be annoyed. You're going to be inconvenienced. And you're doing it because ultimately the priority is each other in the relationship. And you're just going to figure it out. Right. That's fair. All right. I guess I will also be inconvenienced. You will be inconvenienced.

Yeah. Yeah. If you want, if this relationship is a priority. Yeah. It is for sure. So. Okay. Okay then. Keep us posted uh congratulations on your engagement thank you if you ever want to do a mediation call with him uh okay let us know i haven't told them about this so maybe after i do yeah it's anonymous but

yeah just throwing it out there. But either way, good luck and stop avoiding this conversation. Okay. Done. All right. Take care. Have it. Thank you so much. Our pleasure. Thank you. Tell us how it goes. Please. We're very invested. Tell us how it goes. You got it. Thank you so much.

Take care. Okay. Bye. How's it going? Hi. I'm Bridget and I'm 25 years old. How can we help, Bridget? So I am uncomfortable with my boyfriend's female friends because they act like they're his boyfriend. Okay. So this is like multiple friends.

Is there not one specific friend that we're concerned about? So there's multiple girlfriends, but there's just this one specifically. Okay. What are some examples of things that she has done that has raised some red flags? So for Christmas, they all exchange gifts and um this has been happening i guess for multiple years since they've been friends but he she got him a vintage tommy hill figure jacket um which i feel like is a very intimate gift to get your friend um i don't know what it would be equivalent to like if one of my guy friends got me jewelry or perfume or something on that level um and also and was there a story behind

this jacket um not that i'm aware of okay um but what did your boyfriend think about the jacket? Because if someone got me a vintage Tommy Hilfiger jacket, no offense to Tommy, but I'd be like, thanks. So we were on a phone call last week, and he just showed it to me, and I kind of visibly got upset and was just like, hmm, that's kind of an interesting thing to get your friend. And he didn't see why I was getting upset or he was like, this is just my friend who's giving me a gift.

I think it's pretty ridiculous that you're like upset over this. I guess the big question is what he thought of the gift. Like how meaningful was it to him? He was like, look at this cool jacket that my friend got for me. And I was like, oh, I just think like when you put on a jacket or like you put on something

perfume, you think about the person who bought it for you. Yeah. But it doesn't mean like if you're in a relationship that people can't buy you clothes. Yeah. I guess I feel like I'm not only upset about that or like that's the only thing that has happened. Yeah. Give us another example. So we were, this was maybe a month or two ago, we were out at the bar together and it was about 2 a.m. and he had to take a phone call and it was the same girl.

And he kind of lied and said, I asked who it was. And he lied and said it was somebody that we were with at the bar who was like standing behind me so i was like okay that's a little weird but then he kind of got into it and that this girl was um calling him to like talk about girl drama so i feel like he's like in the in this friend group and just as like in girl drama i guess is and in this friend group when did it how did it originate is this a high school friend group i think it's a call it's college friend group so and how many other guys are in this friend group i don't know and i think like they have wine nights like we're doing distance so he like lives in a different city than I do that's two hours away and I feel like

that's also like a big issue where it's like these girls are getting time that I wish I had kind of and I feel like I'm just coming becoming like a little insecure and like sure style well he lied to you about it so yeah exactly uh how and are you friends with any of these women at all so whenever i go and visit they're um they're very nice to me and i feel like i would do the same thing like be nice to um as well but i don't know what they do behind my back or you know like not with him but have you gotten any weird vibe i mean you've given us these examples but like in terms of being in their presence with her just like sometimes like looks or if um I feel like another example is like I kind of just want to be differentiated from his girlfriends like whereas so for example a lot like I went to visit him

one week and and this is so simple but or like so minuscule maybe to some people but um he like bought this cool shop that's like 20 or something and he like brought the that same girlfriend to the same bar the next week and like was trying to convince her to go to this other bar and because he got the shot for her as well the following week you know like i know that's so i know it's like but it kind of upsets me that what is she same things are happening what does she look like like so he's very much she's very much his type like okay um i think you have reason to be concerned yeah and i think that's what is makes me insecure too if you can say they're his type i mean that doesn't mean yeah and um yeah i mean you got there's some valid concerns here you know um and i feel like my

thing was i have asked a lot of my girlfriends and even my guy friends like okay is this weird am i overreacting because i don't want to like react and have like this whole thing blow up over a jacket but like i just need it more so an outsider's opinion looking in like and i know you have a lot of girlfriends and i feel like yeah well i do i i do and i always have but i had a lot more when i was single and yeah you know and i think it comes with boundaries. Exactly. And when I say a lot, I have the same amount of friends, but the amount of which I see those friends has drastically changed.

Yeah. And this has been kind of a theme with some of the callers today, but it all comes down to how he responds to your concerns. It's very defensive. Yeah yeah and that's not okay you know granted like it might play you know i don't know how you're saying this or how you're communicating this because we can we can communicate our insecurities and frustrations one way that can be triggering other people and get them to be defensive like what the fuck are you doing you know like that

might make someone defensive rather than hey babe i babe, I'm just like, I'm just a little uncomfortable, you know? And like when you said, you know, granted the birthday gift, you were just like, well, that's fucking weird. Like when people, when you call someone weird or say something's weird and then they think it's normal, that's going to get them defensive. Right? So make it, I don't know if you've heard me in

other episodes, you know, kind of use as example of like lead with your insecurities. Like, Hey, it's just, that made me uncomfortable and it's just a personal gift. And it just like, you know, more importantly, like it really bothered me and that you lied to me. That made me uncomfortable. And so you should be in a relationship where you can express your discomfort. And if you're in a relationship worthwhile, that other person should say, well, I don't want you to feel that way. And that is the priority.

And I'm going to have to adjust my priorities based on how you feel now you're gonna have to be somewhat reasonable right and it sounds like you're reasonable you're not telling him he can't have friends you know but you're asking him to have some boundaries because he claims or says he wants to be in a romantic relationship with someone uh and yeah like you know you can have friends of the opposite sex, but when, you know, those friends are people who they're your physical type and they get to spend more quality time with them because you get to, because it's long distance, you need them to go out of

their way to make you feel like a priority. And they need to figure out how to do that. Now they can figure out by asking you, babe, well, Hey, I'm, I, you know, every time that Natalie and I talk about when we're, you know, if we're, if we're having any disconnect or we're on the same page or one person's like doing something that's making the other person, like just a little, you know, uncomfortable, like we just say that, and the other person's response is always, well, I don't want you to feel that way, and that immediately becomes the priority, and, like, sometimes you have to make adjustments, and it doesn't mean it's just, like,

you know, how, what, I can't tell Natalie not to feel a certain way, you know, like, I ask her to be reasonable with certain things, but, like, I'm not trying to focus on how reasonable or unreasonable I think she's being in that moment. The priority is I don't want her to feel that way. And, and that goes a long way, you know, because it's just the acknowledgement of like, I don't want you to feel that way. And I'm going to like, and instead of getting defensive, instead of like, you know like you know make you know blaming you you know like well that's a you problem or that's weird that you think it's weird like instead of responding that way first me saying to Natalie or Natalie saying to me well I don't want you to feel

that way so I'm gonna I'm gonna make some. And just that alone makes me feel better, you know? And you just have to stop, always have to stop doing what it was the thing that was bothering me. It's just like, just knowing that she gives a shit or that knowing that I give a shit that I, you know, her feelings and her security. And, and I don't want to play a role in her anxiousness. I don't want to play a role in her stress. I want to be the opposite, and that's a priority for me. And just knowing that you're in a relationship with that person gives a shit about that, it just goes a long way.

So maybe you can try to communicate that way, because it sounds like maybe you kind of maybe said some things where it's like I could see how he could get defensive. maybe try just saying hey babe it just i'm just a little uncomfortable and i need your help and it would mean a lot to me if you could set a little bit more boundaries with these friends because like be friends but do you really need to be taking late night phone calls and talking about like their drama and their life i it just makes me uncomfortable like i just i you know and that shouldn't be a hard ask for him it just shouldn't i agree and i feel like i've been continuously

saying this this makes me uncomfortable i don't know why you're getting so defensive about it i'm just like i want you to give a exactly what you're saying i want you to give a and um it's just been not uh what's the word absorbing i guess and how old is he i feel he is 25 as well but just a little younger but we we dated in high school and then we like rekindled in July so obviously we have oh this is a relatively so this is a relatively new relationship yes Yes. So obviously we've started, or like we started at different lives for five years that we weren't together.

So we have different friends and like, that's fine. And I'm not asking you to live under a rock, but I just need to be prioritized. And I feel like we can't have a conversation where I can't go to his house and quickly and have this conversation. It's all on text or he was going away last weekend. And I was like, can we talk on the phone so that we're not texting back and forth like we're 12, We're not texting back and forth like we're 12. But he had to go to the gym.

So I feel like that's just like there's no priorities. Like I'm not a priority, I feel like. And I don't want to be that way. Yeah. While you were talking, I was thinking, like I was like, what? You know, does she reach out to her and try to get closer with her? And and then i thought like there is no world i don't even know who this girl is but if i were a betting man my guess is without knowing anything about her that she would also be uncomfortable if the shoe were on the other foot and that's what i kind of

said to him as well like can you put your um because maybe he hasn't like he's well it's more about her it's more about her, it's more about her putting, because he could genuinely just not be into her. Yeah. He could genuinely just have a friend and like not see it, but.

Yeah. But if she had a boyfriend who his girlfriend was giving him gifts. Yeah, right? Like you're more, you would probably relate to her in this dynamic more than him i would be curious if she's aware of your frustrations uh yeah i'd be i mean i'm wondering if he's you know because if they're real friends like you know if they're just and you guys haven't

been dating that long it wouldn't be that crazy for him to be like, yeah, you know, like she's just a little uncomfortable relationship. And, and yeah, I'm not sure how to handle it because like, we're not doing anything. We're just friends. And like, you know,

it's long distance. And I'm, you know what I'm saying? Like if he gave a shit, he would probably have this conversation with his friend and try to figure out how to solve the problem. And, and,

and then she would go out of her way to, if she gave a shit, if it was like, well, no like well no my god like like any woman i've ever met that i've ever been friends with or friends with someone else it was truly just platonic relationship and if i you know and and in this scenario let's say i started dating someone new and and i would i would say i go to my friend i could be like so and so is is just struggling with our dynamic. If it was truly platonic, that friend would say to me, do you want me to talk to her? That friend would make it a priority

to make sure that my girlfriend didn't feel that way because my friends want me to be happy and my friends don't want me to have drama in relationships. And if I tell my friend, hey, I really like this person. I really want to try to make this work. Can you help me out? My friends would do that.

That's what having a friend is, you know? And I feel like I feel like a little disrespected in that fact too from her. Do you know if he's said anything to her? I don't because he went away so we haven't really spoken because i didn't want to so when you when you talk to him in person i want you to when you bring this up and without getting into it just say i just i'm i would say do does so and so know that i'm i've i've been uncomfortable with certain things about a relationship?

Just ask him. I'm curious what he says. My guess is he's going to think that you would be bothered by him asking, telling her. Yeah. And I'm curious, would you? Telling her that I'm uncomfortable? If you found out that, yeah.

Because I think that's, if this is truly a friendship, if this is truly a platonic friendship where him being friends with her is no different than him being friends with carl you know or whatever buddy he has then as a friend he would have gone to that friend and said my girlfriend is just like you know you you know she's new to this dynamic and she's a bit of an outsider because, you know, we're friends and like, you know, so can you help me make her more comfortable with our friendship? Well, what do you think? And, you know, and so I'm really curious if he's said anything to her about it. I'm curious as well well and what you said about like being an outsider i feel like that

is exactly how i feel too it's like because if he's like no i haven't no i haven't no i haven't said it like i'm one why like why like why if there's yeah aren't you friends like wouldn't you like i mean there's a way where i can feel a lot more comfortable about this. I just, you know, there's more than I feel like I don't know about her or the relationship. I'm just like, I'm choosing to trust you right now. And you're kind of making it hard. And maybe there's nothing going on, but like, all i all i have is this i just i just i just i'm i'm i'm forced to have to choose to trust you and i want to choose to trust you because i want

to have a relationship where i choose to trust but like making it real fucking difficult you know and like you're not making any effort or it doesn't seem like it to like make me more comfortable or less worried and i'm just like reassured yeah i feel like if i was reassured and in any way that i wouldn't have like i would know that i wouldn't feel insecure and it's like this big cycle of like i don't know if i'm meeting your needs and wants because i'm not being reassured and it's like this big blow up. When was the last time you had a girlfriend before you? I think a year and a half before. Interesting.

Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to track her down. Yeah. Curious what they thought about this friend. I also said like no woman I don't think would have the not the same reaction unless so and i feel like no yeah it would just be like yeah i i don't no i i i natalie's never said this to me but i'm pretty certain that she wouldn't appreciate any Natalie's never said this to me,

but I'm pretty certain that she wouldn't appreciate any woman friend calling me at two in the morning for any reason other than they're in some sort of danger or need some help. Yeah. You know? And. Not just gossip. No, and that's what it was.

So, just very, very difficult. And I feel like if I knew these friends well, it would be different, but I don't. I am the outsider. And I just exactly what you said, like, I just have to trust. But it's kind of hard when there's other things that have happened. Yeah. You know, I'm sure you heard me talk about choosing to trust and that's better than not. But he's now giving you reasons to question

that trust you've given so freely. And this relationship isn't that old and you still have a lot to learn about him and this relationship and this group dynamic and everything you're learning isn't like reducing your anxiety or questions. It's kind of doing the opposite so yeah i don't think you should ignore it and it doesn't make you crazy thank you yeah so uh i would ask more questions

and i would um questions around him going out of his way like you said to make you feel like a priority or that he cares about you feeling this way. It's just not that, and this is not about like, well, you can't stop me from being friends with people. Like you said, this is about boundaries and just going, doing a, just putting a little effort. It's just, you're asking for a little effort. It's not that much effort. And his friends, if they cared about him as friends only,

wouldn't have that hard of a time of respecting these just a little bit of reasonable boundaries that i can almost certain they would want if the shoe were on the other foot exactly and the fact that he seems so unwilling to do that there's most likely a reason why nope i agree it wouldn't blow my mind if you somehow tracked down an ex-girlfriend and if she was and she was like yeah i fucking hated jenny um and it wouldn't shock me if jenny in this scenario uh every time he finds a girlfriend gets a little bit more territorial and and and these and these gifts and these calls aren't not only they're not an accident either yeah i've had i've had territorial platonic girlfriends in the past with other relationships that i i i mean this was a long time this is this was college but i had to stop being friends with someone because you know she didn't she didn't

like my girlfriend you know and i had to make a choice and um she didn't want you know and there were some like yeah it was more than just a friendship you know there was you know you know i knew her this person in high school and i liked her and then she had, you know, it was a complicated friendship and then we, you know, but, you know, yeah. So that wouldn't shock me. You're not crazy. Thank you. Yeah. All right. Well, I guess keep, keep, I wouldn't wait, I wouldn't sit on this for too long. If there, if he doesn't make any significant changes, I would consider leaving this relationship. Yep. I knew that's what you were going to say.

Yeah. And I'm very close to it. I feel like I've tried to get... I feel like I just need an in-person kind of conversation. If you approach this in the way we suggested very calmly and just kind of ask for his support and his help and in any way he says something or implies that you are crazy break up with him yeah and i wouldn't I wouldn't be surprised if they ended up in a relationship a little bit down the line. Yeah, me neither. Down the line. Yeah. So, okay.

All right. Thank you so much. Sorry you're dealing with it, but... It's okay. Yeah. New year. I have a feeling you'll be fine. Thank you.

Yeah. All right. All right. Take care care keep us posted i will all right all right thanks for listening guys don't forget to rate review subscribe all that fun stuff and if you have not yet listened to our update show we had another fantastic one of those drop on friday so give it a listen we have those because of the popular demand so if like it, keep demanding it and we'll keep doing it. All right. Awesome.