The Viall Files - E535 Bachelor Recap(ish) with Jim Jeffries

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Bachelor Recap Edition! We’re back with comedian and friend of show, Jim Jeffries, to discuss the second episode of Zach’s season. Jim starts out by telling us just how boring this season’s been so far, and some ideas he has to spice it up - including getting his assistant Jack on an upcoming season of The Bachelorette and talking about how The Bachelor Australia stars three bachelors and a polyamorous contestant. We debate if early eliminations are a sign of no connection or no attraction, and if we liked Latto’s Big B*tch Energy contest. Was Tahzjuan there for good television time, or was she straight up mean? Jim creates his own sad story template to win over the lead’s heart, and gives Prince Harry and the royal family some notes on future diplomacy.  “Can I vote Holland back on? She would be good entertainment.”  If you are interested in running a book club in your city, send an email to: [e-mail] Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes. Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store. Android User? Listen here: https://www.onamp.com/ To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com Support a Local Bookstore: https://bookshop.org/books/don-t-text-your-ex-happy-birthday-and-other-advice-on-love-sex-and-dating-9798212185622/9781419755491 If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: The Black Tux: Go to http://www.TheBlackTux.com/viall and use code viall, you’ll save 10%.    Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @jimjeffries @jack_hackett @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog

I'll tell you what happens sort of over 45 because you have like friends who are in their 50s and stuff like that you know that are just like regular friends not like just like that type of friend where you're like I'm friends with this old man no no like like people you're actually friends with and then people just in your life like like for example Bob Saget right just dropped dead right he fell over hit his head it was very upsetting and that sort of stuff but people just go like oh well you gotta watch yourself because you could fall over now you know what i mean like no one gets alarmed when someone my age just dies like it's sad but it's not like just whoa how could this happen everyone just goes, it's probably soap on the floor and you've got to watch that.

Sad. It is, yeah. And then when you get really, really old, it's like people don't even get upset when you die. No. No one gives a shit when you die. That's why you've got to die. What's the age where you get where people are like, that was a good run? My grandfather's 98. He just turned 98.

No, sure. That's an amazing run. But I think even when you're 70, people are like content with your life. No, I think 80. My father's going on a date with one of his mates, one of his mate's wives. And he goes, oh, Brian

died about four years ago. Genius. And now he's like, and my wife died three years ago. Here we go. Is there something in the back of your mind where you feel like he's been eyeballing her for longer than four years? But does it matter? Maybe not.

Is anyone doing anything wrong there? No. No. And you just go, okay, that's cool. Yeah. They know each other. Yeah. He says he doesn't know how to use the app.

So now his whole dating pool is just waiting for his mates to die and then he can bang their wives. Can we use this in the episode? Are we yeah i'm all right with it are you rolling great What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of The Vile Files Bachelor Recap Edition. I'm your host, Nick, joined by Allie and Amanda, and our special guest today, the one, the only, Jim Jeffries returns. You know him, you love him. You've become quickly the Bachelor Re uh super uh guest by our audience yeah

by the audience this is by you yeah no by the by the audience oh that's all right well you're welcome everyone famous for phrases such as suicide mom suicide mom i don't remember what was his suicide said that. You said that last time. You refer to one contestant exclusively as suicide mom. Oh, I said. Oh, I'm sorry. Is she okay? We hope. Well, let's talk about these new ones.

Nothing's going on. The good people at ABC, and I don't know if they're good people. I've never worked for them. But the good people at ABC, they need to step it up a gear. There's nothing going on with these people. Yeah, ta-ta. Where it's like just, and you know when they went back this week, they go, ah, it's on the first date, which he kept on going on.

That was crazy. That was insane. That was wild was the word. That date was wild. It's like, mate, you just were at a barbecue, and you're going on like it was wild. But you know what they did was oh let's go meet the family and then the producers show up and they go are you fucking

kidding me where's putty yeah i know like that's what i was like yeah it's like it's the only reason we picked you is we thought putty would be on each week no one cares about the rest of your family putty on i i was i maybe there's like everyone else wanted i wanted you know putty had his moment and putty's like this i'll do uh i'll do four i'll just do the hometowns yeah no no early stuff just hometowns why would would you want if you were putty would you want to meet someone who like is the first one-on-one that's not worthy of his time well that the first one-on-one had that that girl who she did who she did nothing she did quintessentially nothing wrong she's being painted as a villain the only thing

i don't like about her is and this is just my own sensibilities is she does tiktoks with her kid i don't i don't involve my children um on social media in any way it's it's up to them when they get to an age if they want to be on social media i don't you know because my kids are cute as all balls man well i got cute kids and i could get more followers so that people could go oh he's a cute dad and all that type of stuff i could get a lot of sympathy follows i get a lot of good stuff going on so that irks me a little bit but each to their own you know if you want to be that type of person if you want to be a horrible person you keep doing it no no but some people don't have

any problem with it that's so That's my biggest problem with her. But then they're like, they wheel her out and then they like show the baby books and she has to sit there knowing that she has. Oh my God. Oh, I have a child myself. Yeah. Staring into the eyes of tiny Zach. Like, oh.

Oh yeah. Blakely Mae. I like how the mom thought that she was special. She showed up at the date like this. She goes, I have a baby book of my baby. And it's like, you made this? Yeah, you're a fucking mom. We all get the baby books.

There's not a kid on earth without a fucking baby book. And if you don't have one, I feel very sorry for you. You must feel unloved. Yeah. But we've all got them. Why is there a narrative that people would be embarrassed when their mom shows photos of them as a baby? You know, it's always like, oh, we're ripping out the baby book. As if it's like some kind of humiliation.

Yeah. I always thought it was like a, I was not humiliated. Yeah, you were a cute baby. Yeah. I look terrible. I grew into my dick though. No, but they always go, here's a naked one. Here's a naked one.

And then you're meant to go, oh, my God. What are we doing? It's good to have you back, Jim. Just a couple quick housekeeping notes. Don't forget, Better Date date than never episode three is on thursday 9 p.m eastern 6 p.m pacific it's fun it's exciting people love it it's been super entertaining i think uh this week we're gonna get into double standards when it comes to dating you know like what's double standards like are outdated which ones are like just you know

still exist which ones are fine it's uh it's always fun to talk about whose role is which when it comes to dating we'll get into a lot more other stuff a very exciting announcement uh someone reported that if you have an android you can actually listen to the show by going to onamp.com you can't participate or comment unfortunately or call in but if you do at least want to like listen it, that's an awesome way to tune in. There you go. And we're working on finding a way where we will make this available more broadly.

Yeah, we will eventually be dropping the episodes for everyone to listen. And then we have the Lautners, Taylor Lautner and his wife, Taylor Lautner, join us on Thursday on our episode of Going Deeper. That'll be super fun. We'll learn all about their relationship their love and uh i'm sure we'll get into a bunch of other topics be sure to check that out

one of the best pictures of my life i i feel like it's it was one of my favorite pictures i've ever taken it was at jared and ashley's wedding i was toasting them jared and ashley in the background and i i it was a good picture. It was a fun picture. I also felt like I personally just looked my best. And I was wearing a black tux. Tell us about this black tux. Well, it was a black tux from The Black Tux. They made it super easy. Jared was getting married.

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Peacock original The Traitors is back with a new season of strategy, betrayal, sabotage, and murder. This killer season features an all-new celebrity cast that Vulture hailed as reality royalty, living in a Scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition. We're talking fierce competitors, reality stars, and public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize. This season's cutthroat missions are next level, just like whatever Alan Cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe. One thing is for sure, these 21 players will do anything to avoid a plot in Alan's graveyard.

Find out why critics and audiences alike are raving about the Emmy award winning series. The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession. We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. Do we want to get

into any, do we have any before we get into the full episode? So I wanted to jump into T because we were just talking about Christina, obviously. So not only is she, you know, potential TikTok influencer with her child, she is being recognized because she was in a Taylor Swift music video years ago. But that's why they have to use her full name or something? No, I think they use her full name because she's the one with the famous aunt. The singer is her aunt.

Remember that in her intro package? Yeah, I know, but like, so? Who knows? Who's her famous aunt? She was a- Some singer? You said famous. Not famous to me.

Famous is a relative term. From the Mandrell sisters? Barbara Mandrell? The 80s and the 80s. From what band? The Mandrell sisters. Never heard of them. Were they big in Australia?

I think they were big in the 80s or something. It was like, or by big, you know, it's just like, who would be, you know, someone is famous today that, you know, five years from now, no one will know. Sure. Exactly. Yeah. The Mandrell Sisters was an American variety show starring American country artist Barbara Mandrell along with her sisters.

Oh, so like southern stuff. Yeah. Country. One of their songs is I Was Country When Country Wasn't Cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that. On the cutting edge of country.

Yeah, yeah. But yeah, so if anyone's seen the 15 music video from Taylor Swift's album Fearless, at the end of it, because she kind of walks through her journey of being 15 and being in high school, at the end of it, it's Taylor as an adult staring at the high schoolers

and the high school girl she makes eye contact with is Christina. Yeah. Well, that's all right. She had a gig in her. Yeah. A woman of many talents. Oh, I don't mind her except for the kid on the thing. That irks me.

Use the rest of the family but not the baby. Yeah, you don't use your kid to get hits. Yeah. I don't think anyway. But some people might think differently. But apart from that, she seems like nice enough. And now she's in trouble because she said to that girl, she goes, look at you.

You've already got a rose. I hate you. You're so beautiful. That's how we compliment each other these days. Yeah. I thought that was fine. But to strangers, you have to have a Rapport to talk like that

No you don't People warm I mean in that world it's just It's a joke she's making a joke Well we'll see how things pan out with Christina Because I feel like the teaser for next week implies That there's going to be some more Christina drama Yeah they're just looking for rubbish

On the poor girl Oh she just does the I hate you Oh my god going to be some more Christina drama. Yeah, they're just looking for rubbish on the poor girl. Yeah. Oh, she does. She just does that. I hate you. You look terrible. Oh, my God.

Sorry. The problem wasn't that. The problem was that the girl went to the guy and just sort of went, there's been some drama, and I don't know how to say it. Do you want to know the name? And it made her, because that girl was, was Brianna, is it? Yeah, Brianna yeah it was my front runner at the beginning because i saw a lot of people's front runners she seems too good for the show yeah ah she she's entrepreneurial yeah she has her own beauty company it's just the way she's

like yeah she comes across as like too good for the show yeah but then then she gets offended by someone saying she's pretty. That's someone who's been pretty their whole life. Yeah. If you're like, oh, this person was mean to me. You don't know mean. You don't know how the rest of us uglies have navigated through life, like with mean girls and stuff like that. If you think of mean girls like, look at your dress.

I hate you. Yeah, someone being visibly jealous at you. And you're like, mean. Yeah, mean. I'm going to say something. And this is one of my insecurities. One of my insecurities is people don't think I'm as pretty as I'm pretty. Like, get the fuck out of here.

She's like, America thinks I'm so compelling and dynamic. The entire country of America. But does Zach. But does Zach. Yeah, I'm worried for Brianna. I love her. I think she's great like when she came out and the the the contest even just that energy like she and it wasn't she didn't even do much she just the way she walked out it was like yeah this is night and day from everyone else it's like this level of confidence and when she cried like i'm those were fake tears when she when she cried in front of

zach when she sat him down and told him how like you know i just was it's been really hard so far and like you know like you know just american give me the rose and you didn't and then and then he was like and then immediately moments later she's smiling and great like they like she knows she knows that people are into her. And also, like, no offense to Zach. He seems lovely. He seems fine. But, like, there is no world in which Brianna would give Zach her number in the real world.

No. No chance. Brianna's ex-boyfriends have more edge than Zach. I think that Zach's family might be super Republican. Maybe. Okay. friends have more edge than zach i think i think that zach's family might be super republican and not uh maybe okay i'll tell you how to figure it out tell you how to figure it out flag out the front of the house dead giveaway immediate i don't care what country you're from if you put a flag out the front of your house that's's a fucking statement. Flags are dumb. They're stupid. They don't, like, the idea that you think they're important and all that stuff, this is what people think of flags.

Don't let it touch the ground. It must be folded a certain way. You put your hand over your heart when you see that flag. Unless it's 4th of July and then we'll make it into a bikini and you can shove it up your fucking ass and no one will have an issue. The flag is the most double standard thing in our fucking society and as soon as you put one out the front of your house you've made a statement yeah as soon as i saw it i went all right i know who you are you're

a flag person yeah anytime you see a human being in our society with a flag tied around their neck walking somewhere they're up to no fucking good no good they're up to no fucking good. No good. They're up to no good. They're going to a rally. They're not there to help anyone out. Oh, good, a cut with a flag showed up. He's going to be nice to everyone. Flag people. No good.

No good. Literal red flag. No good. We need to remember that. Flag people are no good. There's people right now with flags going, you have a flag at the front. Should we make flag merch, like a new line?

Flag people are no good. Yeah, flag, hang them off your fucking car. Flag people are no good. Make a shirt with a flag. Yeah. Any guy who comes to your work and he's trying to sell you something and he has a flag tie, just a tie with a flag, fuck that nerd. That guy's got nothing to sell you that and he has a flag tie just a tie with a flag fuck that nerd that guy's got nothing to sell you that's any good maybe the time maybe sorry maybe the time oh my gosh okay

while i weep um nick did you see you're no longer the most recent engagement in bachelor nation oh yeah oh yeah i did hannah ann got uh engaged. Her boyfriend Jake, I guess now fiance Jake, popped the question during the couple's recent trip to Mexico. She posted a video of their dinner and then after the proposal took place during the romantic dinner on the beach, the words she said yes were projected onto a nearby rock. For everyone that it seems to me, right before you get engaged, there's that six-month period where you've sort of discussed it. You're sort of going, if I did ask, you'd say yes, right? And they go, yes, I would say yes. Everyone knows it's happening.

There's about six months there where you can't tie your fucking shoelaces. Every time. It doesn't matter. Your shoelaces are hanging out. You're like, oh, God, I can't get to them. She'll start crying. Did you find that moment? i did not have that no jim had to get some velcro shoes for a while to slap them on yeah i was real quick i was on slip-ons for about six months there i did it on a beach in newport because it was in the middle of covid ah it was in the middle of covid that's

pretty i just air beat and beat a place up there. And I went down on one knee and I thought, I kept on walking on the beach. I was very nervous. I was waiting for the sun to set. The sun was just about to set and I went down on one knee. But then there was just like eight teenagers that were getting high, that were like 50 meters away, and stood up and went, Woo!

Yeah, dude! Well done! There you go. They were good. First congratulations, woo, yeah, dude. Well done. There you go. They were good. First congratulations. Yeah, that was, I remember those people. Thanks for that. Well, congratulations to Hannah Ann.

And what's her fiance's name? I haven't met him. Jake. Jake Funk. NFL player, Jake Funk. Oh, he's in the NFL. He played for the Rams last year a little bit. I think he's been bouncing around this year.

Because she used to do her TikToks that always pop up and she'd do like a day in the life and go to the SoFi Stadium. Wait, I want to follow up also on Tyler Cameron because remember last week when I was saying that he had said on his podcast that he had taken this old friend out for a date and was interested in getting to know her more. But obviously we know the whole Kristen Cavalieri thing is happening. So he's just kind of dating around.

He went to a wedding and was seen making out with his quote-unquote mystery wedding date. Clearly not Kristen, so I'm wondering if it's the girl that he went on a date with or someone completely different. Sorry, Kristen. All of the above, maybe. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know. It's Tyler Cameron. He's hot. He's single. Hold on to your kilts, dearies. Peacock original The Traitors is back with a new season of strategy, betrayal,

sabotage, and murder. This killer season features an all-new celebrity cast that Vulture hailed as reality royalty, living in a Scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition.

We're talking fierce competitors, reality stars, and public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize. This season's cutthroat missions are next level, just like whatever Alan Cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe. One thing is for sure, these 21 players will do anything to avoid a plot in Alan's graveyard. Find out why critics and audiences alike are raving about the Emmy award-winning series.

The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession. We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. Ladies and gentlemen. What are you doing? What do you mean? Just keep it simple. I'm making the promo.

Just keep it simple. Just say, the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say, hey, we're the Brav Bros. Two guys that talk about Bravo. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the Brav Bros. No. Oh. Dude, stop with the voice. Just keep it simple.

I've seen promos on TV, dude. This is how you get the fans engaged. This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get listeners here. If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are gonna get tired of it already. We need some oomph. All right, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice. Bravo, bros. Good job. And finally, Dumois had a post that said, it was a submission that said, quote, a married Bachelor franchise couple is setting up to announce a divorce. They're waiting until

the recent Deanna and Steven divorce blows over so they can have their moment in the news cycle. Any ideas on who that is? That'll be, what's his name? Sean and Catherine. Just kidding. The ones that did the property together. JoJo and Jordan?

Yeah, JoJo and Jordan. They just got married. Now they just got divorced, man. You heard it here first. Although jojo was always my fave yeah jojo's my favorite yeah jojo's good fun yeah down to earth yeah yep did you see i don't know if you saw there's i this random story that claire crawley shortest stint as bachelorette ever her wedding dress was stolen while she was on vacation in hawaii who's she marrying now she had kind of a private dating they went public on instagram somewhat

recently but some of the comments were saying about like oh that's like secret for a year or something so clearly they've been like kind of dating for a year under wraps but she is engaged and what happened to that bloke who dale dale dale fucked it up man out of every contestant he could have been on paradise he was one of the best looking guys ever on the show and he was just like all right Claire let's do this he did that movie he he pretended to be a tennis coach I don't I've never met him I think he's a really peculiar guy what movie it was? It was some kind of cheesy, Lifetime-esque movie, and he played a tennis coach. Really? Wow. It was like Love Match Serve or something. It was a real movie. I don't know if it was good or what it was, but it was a legitimate movie.

Let me pull it up. Dale Moss, IMDB. He actually played in the NFL. He scored some touchdowns. Oh, no way. Dale? Yeah. Dale the model touchdowns. Oh, no way. Dale? Yeah. Dale the model? Yeah. The one who was dressed in the Halloween outfits. He was signed by the Green Bay Packers. My team is an unrestricted free agent.

You like the Green Bay? Have you ever been to Green Bay? Oh, yeah. I'm from Wisconsin. You should go to a game there. I have been to do some shows there. Putting love to the test. Yeah. It's cold. Yeah. I mean, if you go for the Packer game there i have been to do some shows there putting love to the test yeah i mean it's cold yeah i mean if you go for the packer game you know if you're a packer fan it's fine

but everything else you know and it's also like i get cheese man i'm not a cheese guy i get it no i love cheese but not in the way it anyway it's like when you go to like adelaide in australia and they go we have the best vineyards i'll just buy the fucking wine from a shop. Yeah. I don't need to live near the place where you grow it, still get the product. Listen, it's Wisconsin. They, you know, they don't have a ton to brag about. So it's cheese and Packers and. But everybody loves an activity they can do that's just drinking.

Yeah. But like drinking zhuzhed up in a different way with like a vineyard tour, like on a vacation trip. That's such a crowd pleaser. I've only ever had about four glasses of wine in my life. Brianna, I tell you what, she's a very good looking woman. She's stunning. Me and the wife are besotted with her looks.

But it just goes to show that no matter, like for anybody who's like insecure and is like, when I just look like this, my whole life will be better. Do you really believe her insecurity? No, I don't believe it. I don't buy it at all. I feel like her tears kind of came out of nowhere. Yeah, I think they were fake tears.

And again, I think she's fantastic. I love her. But I do think- No, I went off her in that moment. As soon as she went, do you want to know what the name is? Yeah. I was like, nah, you're out.

I think she's being kind of manipulative. You're my front runner. No, you're out. She knows what she's- She's trying to play the game. But it's manipulative. Like if you have to manipulate someone, that's like ultimately a sign of insecurity. If you're resorting to those measures. She's trying to play the game. But it's manipulative. Like if you have to manipulate someone, that's like ultimately a sign of insecurity.

If you're resorting to those measures. She's a plant, but yeah, you're right. But she's also in bachelor world thinking it's just a show and thinking she's just competing. And again, I just don't,

I'm like, just get it a paradise. If I got to meet Brianna's ex, I'm just saying, I don't know what they look like. They don't look like Zach. They have more edge. And Zach seems like a lovely's ex, I'm just saying, I don't know what they look like. They don't look like Zach. They have more edge. And Zach seems like a lovely guy,

but he's just very, you know, like when he was, when they were doing the contest and they were coming out, why did they have him just stand there? Oh my God. Oh my God.

He was just awkwardly standing there. Victoria ate up that catwalk though. Sure. Yeah. I was over in Australia And I've been watching the Australian Big Brother Not Big Brother What do I show?

This is The Bachelor That's awesome Big Brother recap I'll give you a bit of Big Brother Australia They're all getting along So I was watching the Australian one So they've got three bachelors now Also my father is addicted to Love Island.

My father can't use the internet, right? So Love Island's the closest thing an 82-year-old man can get to porn, right? So there's girls in bikinis. So my dad's just like, he watches Love Island. And then it was over Christmas, and he's like, I'm watching one of my shows. And I said, what are you watching here, Dad? He goes, it's Love Island. And I said, what are you watching here, Dad? And he goes, Love Island.

And I learned some new Australian words. He goes, I go, well, tell me what's going on. He goes, well, this bloke here, he's a fuck boy. We all know that term. He's a fuck boy. And so, but he gives her the ick. Have you? The ick?

I've never heard this in me. You haven't? I never heard about the ick. No, you've never heard about the ick? No, you've never heard about the ick. No. All Australian kids are using the term the ick. The ick, correct me if I'm wrong, ladies, is basically a random feeling that women might feel towards a man that is, you know.

And it can be anything. It could be anything. It could be something like, I really liked him, and then I realized he was wearing white socks with black jeans, and it gave me the ick. Now he's over. Over. Like, I really liked him, but, like, he drove over a bump,

and his whole body lifted off his seat. That sounds like something personal. And she saw it. You have experience with that? Yeah. Anyway, so on the Australian bachelor, you've got three bachelors right one's a machine gun kelly looking right and he seems like a nice enough fella but like on rose nights and ceremonies everyone else is in a suit and he's like in a very colorful dressing gown that's like being stitched by whatever like a kimono-y looking thing is what he wears and then

there's another bloke then there's the third bloke who's all right. And then there's this one girl who's polyamorous, right? And she's just like, yeah, I have it. Like, not just like I'm polyamorous. She's like, I have a boyfriend. I hope that's not a problem. And then the guy's like, this is all big news because I'm here. Oh, he's Australian.

This is all big news because I'm here to find me wife. And I don't know, but he's so into this girl that he's left her until the end because he's trying to get the fantasy suites, just have sex with her because he's definitely- Is the boyfriend going to come? That's amazing though. Now they've started introducing the boyfriend into episodes. We know his name.

The boyfriend's called Felix or something. We know all about this guy. And we got, I mean, again, we love you, Zach. You seem like a nice fellow. But, like, we're stuck with Zach. And we got polyamorous. And Machine Gun Kelly. And people with boyfriends coming in week four.

Have you seen the guys? I just pulled the three of them up. Three of them up. They're not bad. There's two handsome. And then there's Machine Gun Kelly up there. So they have three leads. They have three of them. And then also, they don't bring the girls in the limos.

It's like they went out and they tried to shake it up a bit, so they went out. There's a girl that lives in rural blah, blah, blah. Yeah, there's Machine Gun Kelly in the middle. Can you bring it up? Maybe the guy. But the guy with the gray hair seems very camp to me and then there's the other bloke who's just like oh i just don't understand what's going on oh he's got a neck tattoo oh yeah yeah the machine gun like that's him in a suit normally he's not wearing a suit

he's like and he sort of acts like he's a drummer maybe who's the one who's polyamorous no well he's one of the contestants none of them are polyamorous oh one of the contestants that's awesome but the female who's polyamorous bring her up nothing wrong with her you can see why she's lasting so long with a polyamorousness and she's got a boyfriend and this boyfriend just sort of and it's like and he's really supportive of me being on the show. This girl here. Yeah. And she's just like, I don't understand what the big issue is.

Oh, I see. People think she looks like Margot Robbie. Do you know in Australia, Margot Robbie is considered to be like a six? Very good looking people. Australia does have exceptional looking people. We're like, Margot Robbie's so hot. And we're like good looking people Australia does have exceptional looking people I would say Margot Robbie's so hot and we're like really? I would say like

7 out of every 10 people I see on the internet that are attractive they seem to be from Australia look at that well this is the thing you gotta get us before we turn 30 the sun's very hot it's all downhill for us anian over 30 you go what the

happened to this person but under 30 you get them then very attractive people it's so good what about that that woman uh on the first episode who's just like before the rose ceremony just you could have gone out with dignity man you could have just gone i'll just won't get a rose i'll say thank you for having me on the show but she's just like i need to know now choose me yeah are you gonna choose me or not he's like no oh it's tough yeah it's tough to watch someone you know when you do like the squat cry those are that's a dark moment you want to you want like look it's very sad to be knocked out in the early rounds because it's just really like because that's really just saying you're just

not as pretty as the other people later on it's like hey we're not gelling but week one is i don't find you as attractive as the others that's not entirely true well because i'm just like from a producer standpoint i definitely you were the bachelor i definitely let women go that i thought were me personally more attractive than ones i kept because they just i was more or less indifferent i was like yeah they might be prettier but i didn't care they weren't in my top five or six and at that point i was just like i don't care they weren't in my top five or six and at that point i was just like i don't really give a shit did you did you ever keep anago and i say that loosely because they're all very good looking but like in comparison to the others did you keep one

of them that was less attractive because you thought the american people will be happy that i've kept this one on this one will make me seem like a good fella like like okay if one of the contestants on The Bachelor was a quadriplegic, how long would you have to keep them? A while. Probably a while. Probably hometowns. Yeah, you can't flick them out the first week. It's like the other day when she goes, I have a six-year-old.

She's my name. Her name is like. Bailey May. Bailey May. Blakely May. Blakely May. Blakely May. I got Blakely May. She's my name. Her name is like- Bailey Mae. Bailey Mae. Blakely Mae, guys. Yeah, Blakely Mae. Blakely Mae. I got Blakely Mae.

She's more Southern than I am. Yeah, I'm a mama, and that's just who I am, and that's how I am, even though I'm not with my child right now. I'm proud of my circumstance. Yeah, and I'm proud of my circumstance. I'm proud, but it's a lot. It is a lot. Right?

So I've got- Mama needs a vacation. I've got Blakely Mae, and I do it all by myself. Where the fuck's Blakely May right now? That doesn't matter because the daddy's nowhere around. Anyway, me and Blakely May, and we just have fun all day, but I need to raise Blakely May with somebody else. There's no world where he could go no roast for you.

He has to go and he's great. And I think he handled it very well. He took has to go and he's right and i think he handled it very well he took a step back and he went oh that is a lot that's a lot but he had a moment in his little like interview itm moment where he said there are times where you need to be selfish so i thought maybe he was oh they set that up but yeah here's my criticism of that it's not to zach i thought he was very honest it was it's fair as a 25 year old guy but you know again this is back to the producers casting zach it's just like we've had all these complaints over the previous bachelors and say what you want but you they couldn't find a guy who could at least pretend not to be terrified about the possibility of being a

dad don't you want to like a bachelor who's a little bit more open-minded to all the types of contestants that you want? First of all, he's 26, 27. Yeah, no, I know. That's too young. And I'm saying this as someone who introduced my child to my wife, who I met at 20. She was 27, and she handled it very well. Because I was sitting at home with my wife like, gee, he's too young to have a kid around. Like that, right?

And my wife's like, that's when you introduced your child to me. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I guess I did do that. So he's 27. Yeah. First of all, he looks like he's in his 40s. Yeah. Also, who was the lady who was like meant to be famous, who showed the bad bitches off or something like that?

Lotto. Never heard of her. But they claim that she's 22. She looks like she's 47. Who is she? She's Australian, Jim, and she just turned 31. Lotto's 24. Oh, get the fuck out of here.

Not in this realm. Maybe in a different multiverse or something like that. 24. Get the fuck out of here. She is. Is she? All right. Okay. Anyway, so she came over. different multiverse or something like that 24 get the fuck out of here she is is she all right okay anyway so she came over also they've they've taken up the word bad bitch they're going oh to be a bad bitch it was a bad bitch yeah bad bitch energy yeah bad bad bitch that's just i don't i can't i say this word is that just code for cunt? I was a bit of a, like, you know what I mean?

Australian. Well, when men, I feel like when you call, when a man tends, I'm not calling him that. If you walked out of the store and said, you're a bad bitch, I don't think I'd go over well. You're a bad bitch doesn't seem like that. And they were going, oh, to be a bad bitch, you got to. It's like when they hijacked the word diva and they went, oh, I'm a diva.

A diva is a female hustler. Yeah, I'm a diva. No, you're just a bit of a dickhead. It doesn't mean... Guys, for Lotto's 23rd birthday, her boyfriend gifted her a brand new Lamborghini. One of those walking frames? There's no way in the world

that girl's 23. I don't give a shit what you're saying. She looks like she should be. I don't. No. She doesn't look that old. She has the bone structure of Mount Rushmore. She is the oldest looking 24 you've ever seen in your life.

And she's like, they're walking up like, hey girl. She had a sh shore on or something i'm crying okay just my opinion they don't all have to get on board you tell me that woman's 24 get the fuck out of here there's nothing she's's a very pretty woman. I'm not saying she's unattractive. I'm just saying she's not 24. It's the costume. There's nothing wrong with being a good looking, what are you, 47?

There's nothing wrong with this. There's nothing wrong with this. She's not 24. I'll tell you that for nothing. Anyway, she came in with the bad bitches and then we had the one girl. Yeah, but Tajwan. Tajwan wasn't a bad bitch.

Tajwan was mean. Oh, I love it. That's the whole thing. No, I love Tajwan. The way that she spoke to them was kind of out of pocket. I mean, that was her assignment. Who is his wife in the group? I saw you guys on the stage, and it was really painful to watch.

I mean, she was a little, you know, direct. Yeah, she did hit them with a participation trophy. Yeah, I kind of loved it. Which I do feel like runs super well. Kind of just felt like a low blow. Oh, I didn't mind the participation trophy. Oh, I loved it. I don't mind it, but I think people get very upset by that.

I just think she wanted more telly time, right? I don't think she really cared. Also, where was this date? A furniture store? They have it. There were so many couches. They have it. Is Victoria?

They have it there all the time. You're mates with Victoria. I've always fancied Victoria. Is Victoria, is she still dating the bloke? They got the tattoo together? They still are. Good for them. Good for them.

They said they both have a tattoo that says ciao. Then they explained it to the American public, which means hello. And goodbye. Yeah, they didn't say goodbye. They the American public which means hello and goodbye yeah they didn't say goodbye they just went which means hello in that way it's kind of a brilliant tattoo because if they break up it's like ciao ciao

Catherine got the group date rose I feel like Catherine has wifey front runner energy I think Catherine has a little single white female crazy in her. What? Yeah. Nuh-uh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got a little bit of crazy.

She looks like... Yeah, she's keeping it together. Can I vote Holland back on? I just saw a picture of Holland. She'd be good entertainment, Holland. Yeah, Holland. Just get her on the beach. There's something about Catherine.

I just feel like if things don't go her way, if she doesn't get enough validation throughout, I think she will get very... Okay, so what... Oh, yeah, Catherine's a registered nurse. I have a thing for nurses, man. First responders. I'm always like, she takes care of people.

She's probably pushed a hemorrhoid back into an old person's body. Like these are tough jobs. Yes. I like me a nurse. I like Catherine. There's two nurses and I'm into both of them. A nurse, if you're a nurse. Genevieve.

Genevieve. Genevieve. And Kylie. There's more than two. Genevieve. Okay, we got three nurses. All the nurses. We got a lot of nurses. I We got three nurses. All the nurses. We got a lot of nurses.

I like all the nurses. They're winners. The nurses. Because we didn't have any really teachers this round. I feel like there's a lot of nurses and teachers usually. They just went all nurses. They must have filmed it not during school holidays. Good one, Jen.

Catherine's very pretty. I think she's just used to like I just there's something about I just feel like she just well when Brooklyn did the thing on her catwalk where she then had Zach walk over and take a tequila shot there was a shot of Catherine going like jaw dropped like oh like angry I just don't think Catherine is used to competing with people of like, I don't think she's used to having equals. And I think she's been a big fish in a small pond for a long time. But where's she from, Tampa?

Tampa. That's not a small pond. That's true, I mean, there's pretty people in Tampa. There's lots of good looking people in Tampa. I don't know, there's just something about her and I just feel like there's a, I could be totally wrong, but there seems to be like a little bit of a, I don't know there's just something about it i just feel like there's a i could be totally wrong but there seems to be like a little bit of uh i don't know keep our eye is it is it is it katie is it kathy that's the er nurse from austin i don't even mind her i'm all i'm into

all of them nurse what do you think of ariel's little game ariel sounded when she was playing that game i thought it was a little clever it seemed like it lacked both of them the like greatest fears yeah not being charming not to be kissed but she she talks you guys found that charming no which one was ariel it was give me ariel the way she second the way you don't listen her line it was fine uh she has kind of a very like low monotone voice you know that snl skit where it was those two ladies being like and I'm like and now we're going to oh they're like they're on the community radio

yeah I like that yeah yeah like the PBS like that's how she was talking where it was this very she was on NPR during that

NPR one note one tune and now my should we talk about my other greatest fear it's not being kissed not being kissed oh Not being kissed.

Oh, so she could get a kiss. I hated that. I also never, I will never trust anyone on this show when they say something to the effect of like, I've never felt this before. Or like, I usually have never felt this. Or it's like, whatever they're feeling in Bachelor World is something they have never experienced and it's that much more special. i just i just i've never fallen

love fast but with you like i do and like certainly the world's playing a role but like i just the it sounds like a lot and every time they say this is the first feeling for them in the first time of their life i'm like i don't believe it i call bullshit especially this early i talk about this in my new netflix special, which is coming out February 14th. Because I do do a lot of Bachelor material. This is true. I get into that bloke who has the kid who always goes on about, he always goes, I don't say I love you.

I've only ever said it once. And these words are very special to me. Anyone who says that, I believe him actually. But the rest of them, when they start going, those words are special to me. You cannot date someone for more than three months in our society without saying it. I've said it so many times and not meant it. It's like, yeah, you said it to everyone. Were you the first one to say it?

Yeah, I love you too. You can tell me right now you love me. I'm a gym here. We make it seem like the word I love you is some sort of sacred. I've never said it. You've never said it. Once you pop the I love you cherry, you'll just be throwing it around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Life's so much easier with it.

You've never said it. I mean to like my grandma, but. How old are you? What about your friends? Do you throw out I love you? I throw out I love you to everyone in this room. That's different. Right.

You never had like a teenage boyfriend when you were young where you thought you were in love because you were like 15? I think you should just try it out on like your next. On the first date. Third date. Yeah. And just say, I love you. Just see how it goes.

Do you feel like you've ever been in love and you've just not said it? I don't really know. I don't know. Oh, no. If you don't know, then you never have. I feel like maybe. No, no no no no you know what love is it's you have you had someone have you had someone who's constantly on your thoughts and when you're with them you feel happier and then when they're away you miss them all the time and you you constantly think about them that type of

stuff yeah that's why i made nick bring kiki to the office. Yeah, so you love that dog. Yeah. Yeah, you love that dog. But a person, you never have this. No, it must be freeing. It must be a wonderful life you live. Now, my assistant here, Jack, he's never been in love either, have you? Jack's 27. Jack wants to be ice keeper. A little matchmaker?

Yeah, I get it. I'll tell you why Jack's a winner. He can play guitar. He's going to be I'll tell you why Jack's a winner he can play guitar he's going to be successful, he's one of these people you just know is going to be successful, he's just one of those people I'd say the same about Ali you just know that Jack's going to be successful I'm trying to get Jack to be on The Bachelor

are we going to put in an application for him what do you have to do to get on The Bachelor Jack, why don't you just kind of sit down and just kind of sit there so what I'm going to do to get on The Bachelor? Yeah, Nick, can you make a call? Jack, why don't you just kind of sit down and just kind of sit there? Yeah, we'll bring Jack on. So what I'm going to do is I'm teaching Jack. Welcome, Jack. I'm teaching Jack how to do it.

I've got this idea. I got this idea for what he does as a character. He goes in hot in the first episode. So he goes in and talks to her and comes back. And then when the other bloke's like, hey, what did you talk to her about? And I go, nothing. We just had sex the whole time. And she just mentioned how ugly all you were.

Like, you just joke about it all the time. We didn't say anything. She just dragged me into her room and made me lick her out. I don't know. Crazy guy. Just constantly lying. Just constantly lying. And then when she goes meets the guy, he goes, like,

how are you getting along with the other guys? Oh, they're great. They're openly having sex with each other. As soon as you leave the room, how are you getting along with the other guys? Ah, they're great. They're openly having sex with each other. As soon as you leave the room, how are you? This show is not what I expected. I would love the confrontation where it's like, he's been telling us that he's been going down on you repeatedly.

So there's someone here. I don't want to say who. It could all blow up. It could all blow up. Or people could go, that's pretty funny. That's pretty funny. That's pretty funny. Or you're going to have someone be like, so he came in very calculated.

He works for Jim Jefferies. He has the notes. Yeah. He's not here for the right reasons. No, I would be night and day. Night and day, I'd be teaching him up. Would you be at his hometown date? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I would just just None of his family

Just you No I get along with his mum and dad They'd let me in there They'd be like We're coming to Vegas They're going to go drink with him I'm not even going to be there So it's my birthday weekend

I'm performing in Vegas And so we're staying for the soup bowl And Jack's parents are flying in To hang out with me And watch the show And Jack's parents are flying in to hang out with me and watch a show and kind of think, and Jack's not coming. So anyway, so Jack, we have Jack on the show. These are Jack's fine qualities, right?

He play guitar, sings real nice. He's excellent at work. He's going to be very successful in the movie business. And live constantly. Producing and stuff like that. He's already producing video clips and stuff like that. Works his ass off. He's going to be, I just know he's going to be successful. And lie constantly. Producing and stuff like that. He's already producing video clips and stuff like that. Works his ass off. I just know he's going to be successful.

Thanks, Jim. He's never said that off air. It's very early in the morning. He takes care in his appearance. This isn't his best job he's done. I didn't know it was on camera. He didn't know he was going to be on camera. He looks all right.

He's wearing nice boots to the thing. The Australian? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Australian thing. He's wearing nice boots to the thing. The Australian? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Australian thing. He also has the same shoe size as me, so when we did the Jim Jefferies show, he just got a whole heap of free shoes. He's got loads of boots. I have the shoes you got married in.

Yeah, yeah. They go. Wow. Yeah. I had blisters. They went through. Yeah, they have blood in the shoe. I took them off, and I went, take these, Jack.

I'm bloody bleeding into this shoe. Anyway. Yeah, they fit like a glove. How do we get Jack onto The Bachelor? This is a start. I think this is pretty compelling. Start a campaign. Right in, people. I can put you in touch with the

right people. You've got to go hard comedy first because they might kick you out. How tall are you? 5'10". He's right in there. I can wear cowboy boots. I'll have to be 5'11". They like a good 6'2".

Yeah, that's not me. How tall are you? 6'2". Also, everyone there looks older than me. I'm middle of the pack. I'm 6'0". I couldn't go on. They're definitely a bit...

But to the Bachelor people, I promise I'll be at all home village things. Home village. I'll even come on and I'll do a bit of like, I'll teach the guys how to do stand up and do one of those segments. Because you know I had humor on once. Yeah, you should host a date, Jim. Yeah. Yeah, come on and go.

Women like funny people. Get up there. Be funny. Yeah, you should host a comedy date. Give it a go. And then like that girl i'll say look as a 32 year old man you know i'm just live at the age as a 32 year old man who's been in show business for 45 years so get jack Jack, how do we apply?

Well, I'll just hook him up with the casting department. Jack, I feel like people will be in your DMs after this. Yeah. All right. You might not even need the show. Screw the show. What's your Instagram? Jack underscore Hackett.

Okay. How do you spell Hackett? H-A-C-K-E-T-T. And that's going to be an excellent wedding hashtag. Are your DMs open? So that's a huge win. What? Are your DMs open?

Yeah, they're open. Well, we assume because no one's ever tried. They might be. And he's in a band called the Doohickeys. That's right. Open for him in Nashville.

They played the Ryman in Nashville. That's the grand old Opry, man. That's pretty good. You ain't getting better than that, man. That was opening for me, mind you.

Nevertheless. But fucking Elvis got booed off at that stage. They didn ain't getting better than that, man. That was opening for me, mind you. Nevertheless. But fucking Elvis got booed off at that stage. They didn't. So better than Elvis. No, we didn't. Better than Elvis. You kind of have an Elvis vibe to you. I do?

Yeah. Right towards the end. Right towards the end. Yeah, same diet. That last three months. His last year. Vegas Elvis. Yeah, Vegas Elvis.

Poor Elvis. They got so into him about being fat and on drugs. He was only like that for the last three years. So if you look at like that Aloha Hawaii, right? He was dead six years later. He's still fucking pounding out there. They act like he was like that for 20 years or something. He was solid.

He kept on. The last three years, he was a bit of a shut-in, and he got a bit fat. It just proves to you that it's not how you come to a party. It's always how you leave that everyone's got to remember. You can be good at a party the whole fucking night, and then you vomit on one sofa, and then you have to apologize, even though you were awesome throughout. that's really true yeah i know what party you're talking about oh this is from personal experience yeah yeah not me not me i was someone else who

but i took care of him my wife sold her out just sold out the river that's when you're married you you've got to do these things. Then you've got to buy new sofas for people. So what else happened on the episode? Yeah. Let us dive in. Your fans are going to hate this episode. No, they're going to love it.

They're going to go, oh, Nick. Where are you going? Oh, where are you going? Jack, let the women see your lovely face. Yeah, you're here. You might as well. Got a full head of hair on him. Sit there and look pretty.

Do we want to talk about Christina's one-on-one with the helicopter? I know we got into the Blakely May conversation and the meeting of the family. Yeah, we did get the classic like fly over to fuck with them move. I love how everyone in Bachelor in the Bachelor Mansion, which by the way, it's not a mansion. It's just a house. It's just

a house. They have four or five bedrooms. Yeah, there's a lot of bunk beds i got kind of a big kitchen one living room i've never been in a mansion before one of the women said i'm like you still haven't yeah holland's been in a mansion she's back in a yacht no but everyone in bachelor nation has the most amazing eyes they're like it must be them it's just uh i mean there's helicopters all over LA, but like they must know.

Oh, they think the helicopter's over the top and trying to watch the show? No, I mean like basically a helicopter will come and the producers will be like, what do you think that is? You know, and that's when all the women are like, oh, it's them. And it's like, you know.

It's just a local crime. I would be like, what is that, a bird? Yeah. Like a spotlight. Yeah, just trying to find someone jumping over fences. Every other time in LA you see a helicopter, you're just like, oh, they're just, they're about to fight bird? Yeah. Spotlight. Just trying to find someone jumping over fences. Well, that's what I'm saying. Every other time in LA you see a helicopter, you're just like, oh, they're about to fight crime. Yeah, yeah.

Whenever you hear a helicopter, you just go, oh, just lock that door. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Except when you're on The Bachelor Mansion and it's someone breaking your heart. Yeah, run outside. Yeah, the first time you've ever wanted to. There was the moment, though, where in the car when Zach and Christina are driving to the helicopter, when she asks about his first concert and he says Nickelback and she says, stop.

I love Nickelback. All right, this is where I got to defend Nickelback. Yeah, really. We were defending them. They get too much shit, Nickelback. Look, I've never bought a Nickelback album. I've never gotten into my car and said, play Nickelback. I've never supported them inback album. I've never gotten into my car and said, play Nickelback.

I've never supported them in any way. But. The fact that you feel the need to denounce them in that way. No, I just feel like everyone just, it's just a cop out that people are like, oh, Nickelback. Everyone liked the song Rockstar. Yeah, Rockstar was a good song. You're probably right.

It's probably just haters. They've had huge success and everyone's like is their music that good but clearly it appeals to the masses i thought it was lovely that they said it on tv and that they bonded over it because i don't think you can have one nickelback lover in a relationship i didn't realize it was like some yeah. People hate Nickelback. Really? What was your first concert? You know what I think it is? The American Idol Tour? I think. Okay, okay. So you can't get into the Nickelback. The American Idol Tour, which year was it?

A Kelly Clarkson or what was it? No, I think it was like Kelly Pickler's year or something. They came to Minnesota. You know what I think it is? First concert? Cheap Trick, Journey in Heart. Ooh, I like that. I like that.

First concert? Tim McGraw. Nice and Heart. Ooh. I like that. I like that. First concert. Tim McGraw. Nice. Tim McGraw. Elton John. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, I was about 13 years old and I went with my dad and he took me to see. And then my second concert was Paul McCartney.

That's very good. Yeah, I did all right. Two of the greats. I did all right. And I just saw Elton John again in concert. And it was like his final thing. Because remember how he meant to finish in Dodger Stadium? I was in Australia and he rescheduled the show.

His actual last gig is going to be in like Stockholm. And there was this old bloke who was like a VJ on Australian TV forever and ever. And he was like 80. And he came and he fucking dropped his pants called Molly Meldrum. And everyone's like, oh, he bared his ass on stage in front of 90 000 people not if you're in the fourth row i saw his dick and then like everyone's like oh why would he do this why would he do this because he's 82 and he doesn't give a fuck that's the thing about being like cancelable. Like once you're uncancelable, I'm going to say all sorts of shit. Like in my last couple of years, I'll just be like the most fucking horrible old man ever.

I'm going for it. Once you have enough money that you don't need to make more. Oh, yeah. They won't remember how you entered the party. They won't remember how you left it. Yeah. In 50 years, no one will remember us anyways. So it's all fine's all fine horrifying i

think with the nickelback thing it comes down to like it's i think because i'm not a smart music fan i'm a i'm a basic person when it comes to music and i think nickelback appeals to like the basic person and i think music fans hate nickelback you know what i'm saying and that's why i think they appeal to the the. They appeal to the people who like only listen to music via like Kiss FM or things like that. Okay.

Well, just come for me on a Monday morning. No, I include myself in that pocket too. But it also, that tracks with Zach as well. Like he's definitely a top 40s guy.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, Christina's gotta be a Swifty, so. like yacht rock though yeah yacht rock yeah what's yacht rock little river band little river bands classic good work jack yacht rock no little river bands a lot of people don't know the little river bands from australia which does means nothing to you because you don't even know who the little river band is. No. But their logo had a platypus on it. Who's the only mammal that lays eggs?

Fucking hell, you learn a lot on this podcast. Educational. I hope someone just starts listening to this in the middle of the episode. Did you learn that on your podcast? Was this a Bachelor recap? Did you learn that on your podcast? I did. I did. Yeah.

Now I know things. The I don't know about that podcast, which is available. I'm wearing the hat. I'm wearing the hat. I'm wearing the hat. Wherever you listen to podcasts. Wherever you listen to podcasts, go listen to I Don't Know About That with Jim Jefferies. And then I'll be advertising my new special on the 14th of February coming out. And I'll be turning my phone off on the 15th of February for about a week.

I do that after specials. That's not good for me. Oh, God. Yeah, it's good for your mental health. Oh, it's good for my mental health because they're going to come for me. Did you really go for it? There's three groups. And I don't know which one's going to be the most angry.

Okay. But there's three groups. Can we know what the three are? Yeah. I'm curious. This might actually make you more in trouble by announcing the groups. Yeah, I might get more in trouble announcing the groups. Dear groups, I announcing the groups dear groups you definitely don't want to give a heads up because you've yeah that's like hey um don't be mad yeah well it depends on what the category is is it like dog

lovers or jews you know i say that as a jew oh no no i'm not going after the jews i'm not stupid um okay i can say one of them. Greta Thunberg fans. There's one joke. Two jokes. Two Greta Thunberg jokes. Now, the thing is, they're militant, the Thunbergers. The Thunbergers, they're militant.

You say one thing against the Thunberg, all the Thunbergs come at you. So I'm worried about them. And there's another group that I can't talk about talk about if i mention them i'll get in trouble just even mentioning them i bet there'll be one group you're not expecting that you're gonna upset with it i tell you who gets the biggest beating on my uh special is my wife gets like oh god, God. No, my wife... So she's not mad. I say so many jokes about my wife that my wife will receive mail from people like, how can you put up with him saying such horrible things?

I go into very graphic sexual details about me and my wife. And so, look, it's more awkward for me. I have to see my in-laws, and my in-laws are going to watch the special. And then, look, I'm the one who has to put up with it. Stop acting like you're so fucking offended. At what stage did you run the joke by your wife? I don't.

See, my wife. Oh, my God. My wife was, when I wrote all this material, she was pregnant, and then she had a baby, so she didn't really come out to see any of my stand-up in that period. And so I said, said hey to my wife okay the jokes about my wife are so bad that netflix came to me and they said hey can we get your wife to sign a release form so that she doesn't sue that's what netflix did the legal department wanted me i said to my wife i said there's some jokes about yeah and i

don't want you to sue. But what is suing? Divorce, right? That's where you take half my money. That's suing enough, right? You know, anyway, so I said to my wife, I said, hey, there's some things that the lawyers of Netflix are worried that you might sue me over things that I've said. And then I went, I went, I'll just tell you the jokes now.

And she goes, don't tell me. I want to watch them on Netflix with you. That's love. That's love. So when my special airs, know that somewhere I'm sitting with my wife watching it like this. On Valentine's Day. On Valentine's Day.

Also his birthday. Also my birthday. So I'm going to turn my phone off. I'll be fighting with my wife for a week. And then I'll pop my head back out. How did it go? But I'll still be watching The Bachelor. I'm sorry.

Get back onto The Bachelor. I've talked about myself too much. Okay. I've gone off the rails. Should we talk about, well, one, Zach talked to Jess about his diagnosis growing up and how he feels like he has like a purpose to live i'm sure it was very serious at the time but it just reminded me of like every uh mom and their firstborn son like my mom this is a true story

my mom told me i remember as a young kid she told me multiple times you know like you know when when i got pregnant with you the doctors told me like you're you're gonna miscarry you know, like, you know, when, when I got pregnant with you, the doctors told me like, you're, you're going to miscarry, you know? And I, I think that was true. And I think it was at the time, probably very traumatic for my mom. And I ended up not dying and here I came and, you know, like my mom made me feel like very special and, you know, like as, as a loving mom does, but I just, it was just like, you know, I, I i every son and their mom has had this story of maybe it's not they almost died but some version of why they're a miracle baby or the same thing my mother wasn't meant to have a third kid she had to have reconstructive surgery for her first kid

and she had my brother and then for the third one they said i don't even worry about the vasectomy i have a new tube start or anything like that because you're not having any more kids there's no womb to be had and then i came then you can your mom made you feel very special for it makes you feel special yeah your mom makes you feel special and then like there's so many people now who go through ivf and all that type of stuff and they do the same thing why is this guy special though what did he do he had it i don't know he had something he was born with some sort of condition and also when we call babies miracles yes your baby is loved and important and all those types of things but not a miracle we we were 15 minutes late today because there was all the

miracles on the street in front of us there's uh miracles bloody too many miracles made the left turn really hard the planet's dying from miracles is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. There's 8 billion miracles right now. Overrun with miracles. What do you think of Jess, Jim? I feel like Jess, she could be, I could see them picking her as a bachelorette. I think she's got a bachelorette in her. I think she's doing all right. I don't know what an e-commerce coordinator is.

I hate when people have jobs that I don't understand what the name means. She seems really quiet and demure, but yet I think she's got a bigger personality than she leads on. Yeah, I agree. And Winter Springs, Florida, where she's from, sounds like a made-up place. Yeah. It's too many hollocks. Winter Springs. Two seasons. Times of year. Springs, Florida? I bet Winter Springs, Florida, they love Christmas. It does sound like a Hallmark Channel. Yeah.

I have to go home to Winter Springs to help my dad at the bookshop. It's 80 degrees year round, and they play Christmas music everywhere. God. Give us a look at Winter Springs, Florida. Winter Springs is a city in Seminole County, Florida. I think Jess is going real far. I think she's top four for sure. Really top four?

She kind of interrupted him. after he shared his diagnosis he's six four he's the bachelor yeah he's thriving like i you know what i don't am i supposed to go oh really oh my god like you know you might remember it yeah he doesn't even remember any illness you don't remember it doesn't matter yeah yeah does it matter but i feel like if you learn that when you're a kid and you're like i could have died yeah no again i remember my mom telling me like she almost miscarried and i remember like i was like i am a miracle like i am special like yeah again like i think every mom on like most if you if your mom loved you she did that to you she. If she didn't, she didn't love you. I know a bloke who went into a coma in January of 2020 and woke up in June of 2020, and his wife was there in a hazmat suit, and he didn't know from before the pandemic.

He went in just before we went into lockdown, into a coma, and then he woke up and everyone was in suits and stuff. Whoa. That's jarring. Yeah. That's a fun condition. That's a story. That's something to tell people and stuff. Whoa. That's jarring. Yeah, like that's a fun condition. That's a story. That's something to tell people.

Yeah. Yeah. And he also dreamt the whole time that he won the lottery. And so he said that was the hardest bit. He waked up and he's just like this. He's like this. Ah, well, at least we won the lottery. No, we didn't.

We didn't, babe. Ah, no. Jack, what would be your condition that you would tell the bachelorette when you meet her? Yeah, what's your sad story? You're not going straight into being bachelor. You're not bachelor quality. No, no, no. You're sitting down, Amanda or Ali are the bachelors.

Yeah, yeah. Two bachelorettes. You have to have a real good conversation the first night. What is your sad, sobbing story? What's your sad sex story? When you were young, you were... When I was in sixth grade yeah i was throwing up every single morning and we went to multiple doctors and they thought i was faking it and so then i

had to have a colonoscopy is this true and then they found out i had a parasite okay and i also had a bacterial infection worm got so many hospitals so i had pills the size of quarters and i had to take it with pudding if i I didn't do it, I would have died. Yeah, but that's not something. She doesn't want to hear. You didn't die. I had a parasite in my colon when I was young. That's not a sexy illness.

No, the worst part is I can't eat pudding anymore. Oh, yeah. That's a bad one. It's not a bad, sad story. He also had swine flu, too, in Hong Kong. He also had swine flu. He lived in Hong Kong. He had swine flu.

Yeah, I had that. That's a pretty good one. Yeah. Pig cold. That's kind of an ick though. It is an ick. I had swine flu. It is an ick.

Yeah. I agree. I don't know. I've had swine flu and an anal parasite. I mean, the real tragedies are ickies. They're not fascinating. I had worms and swine. Yeah, I would just go in like this i had i had and i still have

and i struggle with it every day dyslexia and i'm slightly on the spectrum i talk too much you know find it hard to make eye contact so pardon me if i'm a bit rude with my medical condition it's true that's what i would do that's what i have that sounds like me yeah a little bit on the spectrum got hemorrhoids yeah blood in every shit give me a rose give me a rose you have to give a guy a rose. No eye contact. Can hardly read. As a baby, very healthy. No problems as a baby.

So if you're worried about that, I was an elite baby. That's before they found out about the troubles. What would be your first... Okay, you've just met the bachelor right you've already said the hello outside maybe we can talk about it inside you've done a shot of tequila or you made him eat a cookie where you both kissed at the same time it's a double cookie something like that yeah what's your first conversation how do you how do you woo him i feel like i would him by just being normal. Because you said on the first night, on opening night in the theater, everyone's so nervous.

So it's like if you act normal, you already kind of stand out. Well, good luck. I mean, everyone tries to act normal when they don't. But yeah, if I could do it again, I would have done something goofy. Okay. Yeah. What would you recommend? You went so far in the Bachelor world. Why would you change it? again, I would have done something goofy. Okay. What would you recommend? You went so far in the

Bachelor world. Why would you change it? Sure, I guess. That's the butterfly effect, man. You don't want to go back inside. I wouldn't be sitting here today. Yeah? Let's leave it alone. I would show up in a DeLorean and come out dressed like... What is that?

That's a future car. I'd come out in a DeLoreanorean the thing would drive up and i'd go and i'd come up like this you're my mom i have to fuck you that's the whole premise of back to the future i have to make out with you so that i get to live it's complicated beautiful yeah you'd leave that's impression but then the bachelorette would like come into the It's complicated. Beautiful. Yeah. You'd leave an impression. But then the bachelorette would come into the room after that. You'd laugh at that.

I think you'd laugh at that. She would come into the room and be like, I was disrespected and I've actually already had to send someone home. They told me I was their mom. And they wanted to make out with me. Wanted to fuck me. No, my hot mom. My hot mom, when she was young.

She has a kink. I'm from the year 20 45 i'm way in the future and i'm 25 myself there's something to do with time travel the air is not very good in the future and we all look like this i'm 22. and then i'd be like i'd come back and be like i have to make out with you you're my mom and then just have like a friend like in a white wig going, are you serious? In the background. 1.21 gigawatts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's how I would do it. Were we joking yesterday that if I was on the show, I'd pull up, but I'd be driving the limo? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how Jack would do it. Like he would have all the girls in the background going like this. They'd all be sitting there going, Woo!

We're trying to meet the bachelorette! We're trying to meet the bachelorette! We're trying to meet the bachelorette! And then Jack would turn around in his limo hat and go, I am the bachelor. And there would be all that really disappointment in the air. One of the women said they were complimenting Zach. And they were like,'s like husband material and like if if something

about if you're not you know if you're not happy to be i know they were just complimenting zach and then she goes right ladies and they all go yeah it was a very underwhelming like cheer you know like i don't i think it was um jenna v i think she said it or something and then yeah it was like a right ladies and they all like sighed. It was like I did not buy their enthusiasm. I will say this episode I did. I saw it. I was like, okay, I get why he's appealing.

He seems like he's a handsome, nice guy. I mean, like, it's just it's just not polyamorous and exciting. You know, it's just He's very earnest He's very you know I like it when he makes weird Like when he has little moments of flair Like there was one point where he cheered and he was like I feel like maybe he's a little freak

And we'll see more of that I don't think he's a little freak He thought having a barbecue With his family That was wild Crazy first date that was so crazy you're like just a barbecue yeah yeah when when they she was like you know give your bad bitch speech and then he like chimed and he's like i just want you to be real and a time you stood your ground your ground and i was

like that does not it was not the same like that was too different delivered it in such like an authoritative like bad bitch way and yeah. He's just like well that's a little too much for me. I just want, this is where you stood your ground. Ladies, I just want to let you know I respect you. I respect you. I will not be calling you a bitch. Yeah. Or bad. Yeah. Either.

I'm just gonna stand there and judge you. Yeah. At the end of the walkway. As you choke me with a ribbon. Yeah. I don't know. Ah, that was, yeah. She was doing the bit in the walkway as you choke me with a ribbon yeah i don't know uh that was yeah she was doing the a bit in the olympics yeah the rhythmic gymnastics gymnastic which is the baddest bitch event of them all yeah rhythmic gymnasts yeah when you come in you do that thing you do the spiral like that i'm like you treat everybody like a cat. Yeah, look at that baby. So who went home again? Victoria, who's the one from TikTok

that hard launched her divorce. Oh, that didn't go well for her. There was one girl I thought was very pretty who went home. That was Kimberly. And it was such a... Well, how do you know that was Kimberly? She was classy as hell because, well... She's, yeah, Kimberly, Kimberly.

I just, I think Kat is is beautiful I think there are other descriptors you would use to describe cat faces the whole give me a look at cat I'll describe it for you crazy there's nothing unattractive about she's got the crazy all day don't't look behind you. But that's why I think they had Tajwan when she came on. She interrupted Kat talking to Zach.

Yeah. Because they were like, she'll get a reaction out of her. Oh, that is, or you're going home. Like, they always interrupt the,

yeah, I knew she was going home as soon as she got interrupted. But when Kim got sent home, she said, Zach gave me the fairest chance he could have.

It was really classy. I really liked Kimberly. Wasn't she kind of a voice of reason in the last episode? Kimberly was very pretty. Oh, she seemed wonderful. And she was really nice to Madison, the girl who was kind of a mess on night one. She had a slightly, I didn't like the tattoo on her back shoulder. Honestly,

it was high up. You know why she went home? Zach was generally indifferent towards her and she was probably too reasonable and she was the voice of reason in the house and they were like, you got to go. You're making way too much sense to these women. But then why are we getting rid of Madison and Holland? Bring back Holland!

Bring back Holland. Holland had a glass of wine that was filled like a pint of beer. It was like, as soon as I saw it, she's like, when's he coming out i'm like oh yeah you're a good girl holland you're a bit of fun don't let him put you down holland gabby gabby had a crazy 180 because on that group date i was like gabby's going home after all they talked about was the nicknames she could come up with but then the cocktail party she did the peanut butter cup thing

and i felt like she did a full 180. I will say, I think a peanut butter cup is like the worst possible food to Lady and the Tramp because your mouth is so dry. To kiss someone after eating a peanut butter cup?

if you have a rank sort of tasting mouth, I think that peanut butter covers up all. Yeah. You could have terrible halitosis if you put peanut butter in there and you're both peanut buttering. You could make out with anyone. That's neutral ground.

That's the Switzerland of candies, which is ironic because the Swiss make much better chocolate than the Americans. Yeah. But here we are. Here we are. I always thought that about the war, all those Scandinavian countries being neutral. I don't respect that. Who is in the Second World War like this?

Oh, we don't even know who the bad guy is. It's hard to pick. Yeah. It's half a done as the others. They don't get enough criticism for just overlooking all the atrocities. Yeah, yeah. They just go, ah, we're neutral. And then they're like, well, we didn't have to because we were like Switzerland.

We're covered by mountains. All of our tunnels coming into our country they have explosives we can shut the place down that's why they're always neutral you can't invade it like this or we're neutral but australia wasn't neutral australia just rocked up right away yeah that would have been the last place hitler went for it's too far he would have gone like this Hitler would have been like I've taken over the world I need holiday plays Speech front Right? Because that's how Hitler talked

Close, yeah Obviously And so he would have come after us And New Zealand He still wouldn't have found New Zealand But they were there Just saying What's wrong with you Swiss?

Thanks for the time pieces Yeah The Swiss army knife The army sucks That's why they're neutral Their army hasn't been in a war For 400 years The knife's only 200 years

That knife's never That knife's never seen battle Wow We all buy them Like they're useful things Never seen battle Also imagine trying to get One of those things out in time

In time for what? To kill someone? If you were in a war zone, you went, I need a little magnifying glass or a toothpick. It's too late. I need to file my nail. Anyway, I don't know how we got into the Second World War. You brought it up. Pretty out of the blue.

Don't mention the war. Anything not Bachelor related is a YouTube. All right. So how did I get there? Because we were talking about the neutral territory of kissing Switzerland. Peanut butter. Peanut butter. Peanut butter cups.

Peanut butter would get us talking about Hitler. Peanut butter cups are your neutral ground for making out. I'll tell you other candies that would be good to Lady and the Tramp. Let me think. Red Vines would be good because they have a length. The build. Yeah, they have a build. They have a build.

They're also delicious. Don't like American candy. I don't know if I'd want a Lady and the Tramp anything. Yeah. Well, a spaghetti. No. You want to get that close to someone. If you like them.

Okay. Me and you. You look to get that close to someone. If you like him. Okay. Me and you, you look at me like this. Like I was offering this beauty. No. Like with someone you fancy, not me. Think of a person that you like. So Brad Pitt comes up and the Pitt's gone. Ryan Seacrest for Ali.

Yeah. You like Ryan Seacrest? Yeah. Really? It's weird. I'd probably do it with Ryan Seacrest for Ali. Yeah. You like Ryan Seacrest? Yeah. Really? That's weird. I'd probably do it with Ryan Seacrest. You're right. Really? Yeah. Any final thoughts? Anyone? Oh, I didn't even know we were halfway through the episode. Let's keep tracking.

We've got nowhere else to be. Where else have you got to be? Has this got a time limit on it? No, not really. Alright. Well, I don't mind. I feel like I've talked too much. So I'd like to say sorry to the vile files. We laughed. We cried. We enjoyed ourselves.

I literally cried. Who do you think is going to win? Who's your pick? Early days. Yeah. I think could be, I think Catherine, Jess, and Gabby are part of my new final four. The adverts where it's like, I think I've made a mistake. I have to go after her.

That one? Yeah. We know what happens there. You sent someone home, and then he misses out. It was Kat. It was Kat. Please come back. Make it Holland.

And at the end, he goes, I was too judgmental on Holland. There's so many women we haven't seen yet. Okay, Katie, they show all the time. They do show a lot of Katie. There's something about Katie. I think she's hometowns. Is that why you put this little graphic over here? And she's an ER nurse and people like nurses.

Yeah, you're right though. They show a lot of conversations with her. They show a lot of Katie. I really think Catherine's going to be fantasy sweet. These are a good three right here. Jess, Katie, Catherine. Yeah. What do we think of Greer? Do we think she has staying power? What's Greer? She really disappeared after her Russian rose. I didn't rate her at all. I thought she was going home right away and then she got the first introduction rose. My wife said I was crazy.

She said, no, no, no no she's very good. I said I don't get it. I mean she came across very charming. Yeah. And they were macking. Yeah. Like that was all they were making out for a while. I think she'll be around for a while. I don't I think. Yeah.

Is that the term that you kids use? I don't know. I think it's a niche. I don't think Zach's going to end up with anyone with a huge personality. Can I give you an Australian term for that? Yeah. Pashing. Pashing? Yeah.

I've heard that. Having a pash. I thought it was have a root. No, root's fucking. Oh, okay. Just making out. Pash. Pash.

I'm going to pash with Ryan Seacrest. But then also if I have a beard and then I kiss you a lot And then you have a bit of a redness around your mouth Pash rash And it's short for pashing I pashed him behind the blah blah blah How about a patch Jim who do you think is going to win I think

I think All the nurses Three of the nurses are getting through I think I think All the nurses. Three of the nurses are getting through. I think our girl with the kid is going to get to the final five, and then she's going to do it. So that's Christina, who's very attractive. Who's Davia?

Davia's stunning. Who the fuck's Davia, and why do we know nothing about her? She was talked a little bit about this episode. Marketing manager. I think she's just one of those pretty quiet girls that Zach doesn't vibe with. She did say she did a talking head where she was like, oh my god, Mercedes is so hot. I couldn't keep my eyes off her and neither could Zach.

And I was like, she's either incredibly confident or she's bi. That's what I thought and I'm not accusing her of anything also do you think the bio like primarily bisexuals are the most confident people in our society but you're also the most annoying it's a tough she also she she did kind of like more than the compliment her she was like i couldn't keep my eyes off her she was she seemed really good i was sounded a little turned on that's the kind of shit i would say yeah who knows or maybe she just appreciates beauty yeah she's either very all right so which one mercedes was the one was she

saying so i think the i think katie the er nurse i think miss a i think uh mercedes no mercedes i don't i don't i don't rate Mercedes. I like the girl who... I really like the girl, but I feel like she... What's her name? Bianca? Bianca. Brianna. Brianna.

Brianna. Brianna's the sexiest person there, but she's too fragile, gets upset too easily. If you think that's putting you down... I do think Genevieve also could go far. Yeah. I could see that. I mean, it's week two. We don't really know.

No. Now I'm like Davia just on the looks of it. I don't even remember her in the episode. I think Bailey is potentially going to go. I mean, who knows, honestly. It's been the Christina show. Yeah. Yeah, but Christina is going to be. I mean, who knows, honestly. It's been the Christina show. Yeah. Yeah, but Christina's going to be there for a long time

because they play a lot of haunting music around her. And she's going to do something wrong. But it does seem like next week, they made next week look like a climax of Christina drama because they show her crying on the stairs. They show all the women. Well, it's one of the two. She could burn out and go home.

Or that could be the last week before they level her off. How are they making it into a villain though? She hasn't done anything villainous. Well, that's because they don't make villains. They don't cast villains. And her apology was top notch to Brianna. She was like. She even went up in my estimates.

Yes. Not only do I think that the girl did nothing wrong, I think she did things right. She said, thank you so much for sharing that. Do you remember exactly what it was that I said to upset you? And then after she said, I'm so sorry your feelings were hurt on my behalf, I understand now that you explained to me. Top-notch apology.

She didn't say sorry if you were offended. She just said, sorry I offended you. Yeah. That's very good. Very good. Very good. I'm apart from the putting your child on the TikTok. Big fan.

Christina, if you're listening, and I know you are because you're like the social. She knows what she's doing. I know you're listening right now, and I'm a big fan of yours. I think you're a wonderful, wonderful person, except for the most important thing in life being a parent. But besides that, I'm a big fan. I think your apology was top notch. I think you're a very pretty girl.

I think that you seem like you're a lot of fun. You handled the family very well. You handled the family on that wild day. So wild. One of the craziest things I've seen on TV and you handled it With the aplomb of a young Diana Yeah

Princess Diana No less Anyone else listening to the Harry book? I tell you I'm listening to the Harry book It's a good listen man You gotta listen to the audio book of it Prince Harry

I frost bit my dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It hurt so bad. I could smell my mum in the room. And the balm was from my mother. And then mummy was, and I remember thinking mummy was going to come back. Yeah, she's not dead. She's gone.

But something about Harry, Harry doesn't know what chapters are. This book literally has 150 chapters. I'm not kidding. And the chapters just come mid-sentence. It'll just be like this. It'll just be like this. He goes, anyway, I remember being in Eton and I had a maths exam. Chapter five.

I got out my book. Chapter 17. I wrote down. He's like a cliffhanger. What's the chapter 17 for man And it's also like my dad's a bastard His dad's nickname for him was Darling Boy Hello Darling Boy

You gotta like this bit I'm telling you that book I'm not a monarchist I'm actually anti-monarchist as an Australian I'm a republican I mean like I want Australia to be a republic You got a flag like you got a flag yeah i got a flag out the front of your house um but i want australia to be a republic i don't

believe we should be a monarchy anymore but i fucking that book should be just called burning bridges yeah burning bridges having a go by prince harry by prince harry yeah yeah he's just talking shit the whole time oh yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. There's one bit where he just goes, and then my brother who no longer looked like mummy and is losing his hair. Oh! I love my bald, ugly brother. Yeah, my bald brother

who used to be pretty like my mum now looks like an old bastard. It just sounds like a guy who's mad he's not king. This is what I think about the royal family at the moment, right? And because I live in Australia, I reckon, because we had the queen for so long. We had the queen for a very long time. The longest monarch ever.

I reckon we just go straight to George currency. Because I don't want to be changing the money again in 10 years when Charles dies. That's too many money changes. It's too much for the economy. dies. That's too many money changes. It's too much for the economy. Like, let's jump forward to George. But you're going to put his baby photos? You're going to put his baby photos on currency?

That sounds great. You're going to put his baby photos on currency? No, we computed. We got the technology. You make George look. You make George look. GP3 or whatever. We decide what George is going to look like. So we don't have to change currency for the next 100 years.

Well, not even next 100 years. Next 80 years. Yeah. We can be currency good. All right. Okay. But then if I have to change, I have to change William. You have to hand your money back in.

You know that. Wait, you really have to do a full swap? Yes. Or every coin. Everything. Every single note in circulation in Britain has to be taken in because it's all got the queen on it. Every stamp has to be taken in because it's all got the queen on it. Every stamp has to be taken in because it's all got the queen on it. And they've been doing great

for like 70 years because we've had the same queen. But now they've already got the pictures ready. This is the thing is, right? So with the queen, you'd get like a coin and then like 10 years later, they go new coin. She's gotten a bit older. Then she bring in the new coin, bring in the new coin. And then towards the end then she bringing the new coin bringing the new coin and then towards the end she got very old but those early coins you could have a wink too she looked all right on those early how would she have done on the bachelor if she was a contestant yeah on the early notes the queen oh lovely yeah but then if she got older I was like I don't even want this money this money is no good don't give it to me Write me a check But now we've got pictures of Charles

We're going to have Charles in the currency And that's the same with Australia And Charles isn't going to be king for that long Exactly What the fuck are we making a coin of this cunt for See you should say that to the Greta Thunberg people So instead of getting mad at you after the special The Greta Thunberg

Did you see Greta the other day When she got arrested And they found out it was all bullshit Then she was like arrested But they stopped for a photo shoot with the cops Because she was protesting She got fake arrested Check it out it's awesome

She got fake arrested and she's smiling All the cops are super happy because they're like I'm going to be in the paper. I just want to say this before you watch my special. I agree with Greta Thunberg and what she says, I just enjoy shit-stirring you people. Plus she annoys me.

How dare you? How dare you? I should be in school right now You're in trouble when they come after you The greater folk It's better to knock the queen You're probably right Alright so this is my thing Prince George currency

Yeah What if George up and like Abdicates at the age of like 22 though? That's assuming everything goes well. All right. We should be gone with the royal family by then. We should be. But there is a thing if you, and this is just for the Australian listeners, if you have,

we all know the trick, if you have a $5 Australian note, there is a way to fold it to make it look like a penis is going into a vagina. A lot of fun when you're a kid. A lot of fun. It's like spelling boobs on a calculator. Yeah. No, if I had one right now, I could follow it for you perfectly, and you go, yeah, that's solid. It's solid, man.

Her chin becomes like a ball sack, and then her throat becomes like the penis, and then like the... Anyway, Google it or do it at home. It's an interesting Google for sure. Cause it's not all. Australia, $5 note fold to make look like penis.

You'll find it. It'll be in the Google. Definitely on YouTube. If I had me, I didn't even bring a wallet. I think I would've had one. Next time I'll bring you an Australian fiver before the government takes them away from us. Please do.

Yeah. Do you have, could you just keep one you could just keep one but they won't become valid in about a year or so it won't be real currency anymore if it doesn't if it's still got the queen so if you just wanted to keep doing that you would just have to know that you wasted five dollars there's always been that joke about like so so william and harry would have like, admit to going to strip clubs, right? But, like, a lot of comedians talked about this, but that means that they put pictures of their grandmother in women's underwear.

Genius. Bit of fun. That's fucked up. It's true, though. It's true. That's the only way for them to do it. They never had a chance. So Harry admits to taking cocaine, so there's a good chance.

Yeah, he's like, I thought it was powdered sugar He snorted cocaine Through pictures of his grandmother He never had a chance Yeah yeah That's the monarchy At least he's rich I've talked too much

No I finally saw it I've had the picture of the Five dollar bill up and I couldn't, I didn't see it for the longest time, and now I understand. Have you had it folded properly? Well, I Googled it, and I just, I was like, that's, I don't get it. But here. Here we go.

Here we go. It's going to come up. This is high quality stuff. If you're sitting at home. This is our podcast now. If you're sitting at home with a $5 Australian note. This is what our Patreon sounds like every week. Oh, yeah.

See there? If you fold it, you see there? It does. Yeah, it looks like. It does. Wait, it's just that? That's not that much. It's like, no, it's human.

Yeah, I thought it was like origami situation. Oh, no, no, no. It's just a way of folding it to make it look like a penis is going to. Yeah, but if you're in the sixth grade, you definitely. You're thinking this is quality stuff. There's another way to fold it even better, to do another fold over the top to make it look better. That one's not the best origami.

I can do a lot better. They reckon it looks like a whale eating a penis. I don't think it does. Oh, I see that. It's like, you know how they have those psychology personality tests? Yeah, what do you see? Do you see two faces i see a cock and balls going into a vagina yeah yep that's what i see i see a chin and shoulders there's no top of the vagina though it's just no you got if i had one i'd really show it to you yeah yeah. It's, if you were, if you, if you were really,

Would you really show it to me, Jim? Would you really show it? No, I wouldn't expose myself. If you're not Elton. I'd really give it to you. Yeah.

All right. Wow, that got a bit weird. Yeah, so the guy who exposed him, the guy who exposed himself at the Elton John concert, his name's Molly Meldrum

and he's about 80 something, he should be dead, right? And he, he, he, he got, he dropped his pants, right? Well, I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch, where the bitch is back?

And he's like this famous guy in Australia. He was friends with Elton. Came out, dropped his dacks. But because he's so old, he couldn't lift his dacks back up, right? He couldn't pull his pants back up. And Elton thought that he was off the stage, but it took him three minutes to shuffle off the stage, ironically to the song, I'm Still Standing still standing Google it it's worth a Google the bachelor recap ish yeah Jim always a

pleasure thanks man thanks for coming man and so Netflix special valentines of every 14th of Valentine's your podcast is coming. I've been away, so we're starting to record new episodes this week. Okay. Check that out. Don't forget, Better Date Than Nevers on Thursday, 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

Live on Thursdays, we have Taylor Lautner and his wife, Taylor Lautner, on Thursday's episode of Going Deeper. Be sure to check that out. Go back and check out our Ask Nick episode that dropped on Monday. Thanks for listening. See you Thursday.

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