The Viall Files - E543 Ask Nick - You Are Dick-ddicted

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss Valentine’s Day plans and read a listener’s email about how her friend was told she was being cheated on during a nine hour road trip. Our first caller is concerned that her boyfriend is still extremely close with his ex girlfriend, and they frequently text each other. Does he still have feelings for her? Our next caller is wondering if it’s possible to turn a long term situationship into a relationship. Nick talks about how she’s become addicted to his dick, or our newly coined phrase, “dick-ddicted.” Our final caller’s mother wants to buy her (and her boyfriend) a house, but her boyfriend’s pride is standing in the way. We discuss that finances can be one of the most difficult conversations to have, but the most important. How can she convince her boyfriend to take her mom up on the offer?  “I just met you and I’m already tired of you doing nothing about it.”  If you are interested in running a book club in your city, send an email to: [e-mail]   Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there.  To get 10% off your first month, visit http://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL Hungryroot - Right now, Hungryroot is offering The Viall Files  listeners 30% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. Go to https://www.hungryroot.com/VIALL Brooklinen - Get all the cozy upgrades of your dream space all in one place at Brooklinen. Get $20 off plus free shipping on orders of $100+ with code VIALL at https://www.brooklinen.com/VIALL Article - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more Visit https://www.article.com/VIALL and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog

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What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another glorious episode of The Vile Files Ask Nick Edition. I'm your host, Nick, joined by Allie and Amanda. what is going on glorious is a fun word glorious yeah happy valentine's day that was last week happy belated can i just for once today is say the actual day it is as opposed to when it's gonna be released i'm sick of being caught in a web of lies yeah so you're recording this intro on valentine's day yeah and i love

valentine's day you seem yeah disappointed yeah i am disappointed fuck yeah i am fucking disappointed you want to vent let it out yeah because like the worst part is it's like it's not like my boyfriend has to work until fucking like midnight tonight he had to be there at 6 a.m and this was a change in his schedule and it just fucking sucks did he do anything about it like we uh nally and i have a busy day today i have work she has work but last night it was actually her she it was she she did a little valentine's day something she went out of her way to have a valentine's day that's so lovely yeah that's cute what did Nick do? Well, he's just been like working all week.

So like yesterday he called me. He'd gotten to work at like 6 or 7 a.m. And at 1030 he was like starting to leave. And it's like it's a job that's like not only like it's like really physically demanding. He's like building shit and taking it down all day and like carrying around stuff. So that was when it became well that was what he was kind of he was just like i don't know like really burned out it's the reason i think i'm so frustrated is because like it's not his fault i think it just feels like powerless on what level when you say it's not his fault do you know deep down if he wanted to he would

interesting control his schedule no you're right're right. Like he needs healthcare. Like the way the union works is like you have to work a certain number of hours. I don't mean like on Valentine's Day. I just mean like making you not disappointed.

Sorry, I'm just trying to start some shit. No. Stirring the pot. No, but that's the next vial. I think that's the thing though because it's like

in a relationship like when you're disappointed it's kind of an invitation to be like am I being a brat or am I is this an important need that's not being met yeah like i've really struggled with that in relationships it's hard i've always prided myself on being trustworthy and being like you know before i react like let me process type of thing you know

yeah am i reacting to an insecurity? Am I reacting to something valid? Something I really struggled with because I pride myself on being the trustworthy kind of like, hey, I don't, I'm not jealous kind of boyfriend type of thing versus saying like, I don't know. I don't like, I'm not okay with that or things like that.

And I have gotten it wrong in the past. You kind of wonder, it's like that you don't want to be too jealous or you don't want to like take exception to things or you don't want to be too critical or you don't want to sound condescending. But then you think to yourself, I think I, wait a second, wait, I think I should have an issue with this. Or I think I should speak up or I think I should say something because it is important to be heard. And like, you just want to communicate like, Hey, like, is this thing is off to you as it does to me type of thing and yeah it's a challenge i've really struggled with that in relationships i think it's hard also though because it's like i see it from his

perspective where it's like if he's fucking exhausted like working like just like dead on his feet like working insane hours and then his girlfriend's like getting like upset with him for like or like very visibly disappointed with him like i didn't like say anything i wasn't like how dare you or anything but like i could i think he could tell i was like a little bummed and it's like but does he need to like the same way that i'm like why aren't you supporting me is he like well i need support from you like i need someone who's like can be okay with me having like a really crazy work week and like hold down the fine line it is it's also like i feel like there's such a like i was talking to my mom about this where sometimes when

you disagree on like kind of the way you tend to care for someone at your base standard asking someone for more can sound like why aren't you picking me roses on mars like it's crazy thing to ask for like that what sounds like that to somebody else can be a really central need for me. And so I also am aware of the fact that we had a really nice picnic this weekend. He went to this very cute cheese shop. He got me my favorite cheese that I tried when we

were on this trip together. Bought beach chairs, everything. Really gorgeous, gorgeous romantic picnic. But then sometimes you also want to know that they have the capability of still going out of their way for you even when they are kind of going through it. Because sometimes in relationships, you need to know that your partner can still say,

well, I'm still in a relationship. I still have people I have to love and make feel loved and cared for and make feel secure even though I am busy or preoccupied. And it's a balance right like it's that constant like juggling and yeah and you know it's yeah because i'm yeah i think that's like my biggest fear in like the relationship i'm in right now is like we just know that we're

different in terms of like we're both it's funny because like he's super friendly and extroverted but in terms of like the way he decompresses and processes and like moves through emotion a lot of that has to do with like him having time to like think it out on his own versus I'm much more like external and I want to like talk it and talk it through and feel like seen and heard in the things that I'm figuring out and so I think I just like have this big fear that what support looks like would be conflicting and so that way it's sort of a one person has to choose to be selfish or the other person has to choose to be selfless and that feels bad so we're figuring it out we'll see how it goes good luck he doesn't listen to this so this show is sponsored by better help this episode is brought to you by

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Again, right now, Hungry Rita is offeringile, vile listeners that 30% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. I mean, you got no excuses not to just get a different variety of great different types of food and helping it make it easy to just take care of yourself. Just go to HungryRoot.com slash V-I-A-L-L and get that 30% off your first delivery and get your free veggies for life. That's right. HungryRoot.com slash V-I-A-L-L. And don't forget to use our link so they know we sent you. What else we got? We had someone write in and say, I was watching your Going Deeper episode with Joey, where you discussed a what would you do situation if you knew your best friend was cheating on their partner? Well, I have a friend who experienced the opposite. Her best friend didn't tell her

that her boyfriend cheated on her. The friend didn't tell her that her boyfriend cheated on her. The friend didn't tell her that her BF was cheating on her for several months. And when she finally told her, she did it on a nine hour road trip with just the two of them. And then she goes on to say, you know. She was with her friend on a nine hour road trip. Be like, hey, by the way, your boyfriend's cheating on you. And I've known for months. And I've known for months. And I've known for months.

Yeah, several months, apparently. And the person who wrote in said, I would love to hear your insight thoughts about this. Bad fucking friend. Buzzer. Yeah. Done. Who's writing in?

This is like a different friend. Like a friend of a friend. A different friend saying, I have some friends. Yeah. Yeah, being like my good friend. Her other friend is sus. Is there anything in the note to defend the shitty friend? Well, it says, okay.

So apparently the other friend said that she was allowing time for the guy to tell her. And if he didn't, then she would. But it had been several months. I call bullshit on the friend. My friend was so fucking angry, she turned the car around and canceled the trip altogether and then not long after she moved in with that friend as a roommate and became even closer to her which i've always found weird since she wasn't a great friend to each their own i guess but i would love to hear what y'all think like should happen in that situation i think the timing has to be a matter of days or like a week i don't think you can say

tell her in the next year well maybe that's that's the real question. Like how long do you give the partner before you're like, I'm going to do it. Two weeks. I think it's being generous. Yeah. Yeah, I would not. If I found out my best friend's husband was cheating on her, I would tell him matter of days. Which is fine. It's appropriate.

But I'm saying if I, you could you could, you could sell me on two weeks ish, give or take. You gotta like process. And those two weeks include a lot of like, I'm going to if you don't. Checking in every day. I'm going to if you don't. Oh my God, I would torture them.

I would do some like psycho shit. Like I would like, you know, like serial killers. I would move in. Like send them. I would just sit on their couch. Is she still with the guy? Is there forgiveness? Like what was?

They didn't say anything about that so gotcha i mean clearly they moved into each other as roommates so they found some sort of agreement even though they canceled their road trip who knows maybe who knows it also says boyfriend was cheating on her so it sounds like i think it's or maybe that's a question is is it different if this person is having like ongoing whatnot or if it was just like a one-time thing that you know about but was cheating what's the difference seem like it happened multiple times yeah it's not boyfriend cheated was had been cheating could have been cheating and that's also just what that friend knew about that's what they knew about i just find we live in a world where again i just people love to think they're good friends and people love to think they have good character

and they just don't you know i think it's very easy to make excuses for yourself and i think most people try to demonstrate good character when it serves them well yeah or like perhaps like their own fear and attempts at self-preservation really gets in the way for them demonstrating good character i think most people think about how it's going to impact them first how it's going to inconvenience them first how what are the ripple effects of their life you know by doing quote unquote the right thing and and most people make those decisions based off of them again being the main character in this story even though in these situations they're very much not and they

don't like people to suggest that maybe they're having a low character moment but like this is the thing like you know who's judge and jury you know i guess god you know in a sense if you believe in god or that type of thing. But I think people know. You know deep down. Because most people don't do what they would want done for them in these moments. You're not being a friend of any kind if your actions in any way cause pain to others. Like hiding it from a friend. Well, it's not my business.

I didn't really know. I felt uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say. You know, your decision is, is causing more pain to someone else. And I, you don't get to, you don't get to claim to be a good friend. If, if those actions you're doing are causing someone else pain, whether you're, that's a friend of yours or someone you don't know, or someone you don't like, you know, you don't get to decide, you know, the righteous action based off of your own selfish needs, which most people do. Yeah. I guess it does kind of come down to like honesty and discernment, which is like, and I think this is absolutely a situation where it's like, once you know that information,

you have a moral obligation to tell people. And there's other situations where perhaps you learn information and it's more of like an individual's interpretation and discernment of what is necessary to share what's not but this is not one of those how could you like if you're especially i mean if it's a mutual friend like they're friends with both i mean in this story there's no suggestion that the friend was friends with him as well no i mean the only thing is just that she knew like how would she know implies maybe some kind of connection to him but definitely like she is first and foremost this girl's friend but let's say they are like mutuals like she's

friends with both of them like even still like i don't it's your friend and also how can you keep a secret i would be so anxious yeah how can you keep a secret like that you're gonna lose your relationship with her it's just like people holding on to it like you're not a can you keep a secret? I would be so anxious. Yeah. How can you keep a secret like that? Well, because then you're going to lose your relationship with her. It's just like people. If you keep holding on to it. Like, you're not a friend. You're a fucking accomplice. Yeah. Yeah.

That's all it is. If this was a crime, if it was like an actual crime, you go to jail. Yeah. Based on these actions. Yeah. Right? There's no like, oh, I felt awkward. I didn't know what to say. wasn't i didn't think it was

my responsibility nope jail you're going to jail jail prison prison jail you're guilty guilty you know what i'm saying it's just like and so why you know i understand like you know cheating isn't illegal and you know when goes to jail for it or or being an accomplice or hiding a secret isn't illegal, but like it's illegal in the morality department. The morality police? Jail. It's hard to do the right thing, which is why like it's hard. Yeah.

And you know, most people don't get to claim they have good character. I mean, like everyone likes to think they have good character, but like I prioritize character. I mean, some people might think I don't have it. I don't know.

And ultimately it doesn't really matter what I think think of myself i make a concerted effort to try to ask myself in these tough situations like what is the right thing to do not the easy thing not the you know not i try not to protect myself do you think you can grow good character sure like it's something that like yes it's kind of like you have it or you don't at a given time but i think you can develop it i'm sure you know these like yeah i i think people all these decisions that most people make i think it's just because people aren't holding each other accountable you know i do think you can develop these skills and i think you can relearn right or wrong and i do think you can have a mentor or a person in your life that really like opens your eyes to like these types of decisions.

I guess it's also about your ability to withstand discomfort. Sure. Like to be able to kind of process your own individual emotions in such a way that when something like this, it's super fucking uncomfortable and heartbreaking to have to tell your friend that her boyfriend's cheating on her. It's absolutely what you need to do as a friend, but it requires, I think, the emotional infrastructure and self-awareness to be able to work through all the shit you're feeling. And even though the anxiety or whatever else is telling you to run or justifying reasons that you cannot share, being able to kind of parse through all that and be like,

but at the end of the day, what do I owe myself and her? And can I take on the collateral damage that comes with this friend didn't keep the secret to protect her friend she protected herself why she protected herself I don't know but like people don't keep these types of secrets for the people being victimized they're not protecting anyone they're either protecting the friend who's doing the wrong or most likely they're just protecting themselves and it's that's what it really is they're not protecting anyone they're either protecting the friend who's doing the wrong or most likely they're just protecting themselves and it's that's what it really is they're protecting themselves i think in all those cases you can narrow it down to their own self-serving needs

maybe they have a secret they want kept you know maybe they're projecting their own wrongdoings or low character moments like there's it's always oh it always comes down to that person being selfish yeah i think yeah and i think i yeah i do think a lot of it is like emotional labor though of like convincing yourself it's okay to be distracted or to do other things yeah i'm saying that the motive is let it out tell them well i'm saying this is someone who got a lot of targeted instagram ads for being a participant in anxiety research studies like do you all ever get those ads which is like okay fuck you like sure like nobody needs to set like do you think this is gonna make me want to sign up my hair's not thinning that much like I got an email this

morning from Taco Bell asking to be their valentine so that's mine. That at least. You deserve grade F meat. Thank you. It's as good as this. I love myself. I said you're. I was going to make a really. Don't give up. Have a taco. There's an anal joke in here somewhere about a fiery asshole.

Spicy shits. Spicy shits. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said it without having the chops to make it but preparation age oh my god tbt your butt care routine early in our career that was a nightmare yeah what's your butt care routine such an interesting collab when i did the preparation age ad and never tell your manager like what do you want for your caption i was like whatever man that's cool i don't care and then i'm posting it and i had to ask my audience what their butt care routine was that was a bad day what the heck could someone say yeah other than

like yeah is there some form of hair removal i really sold out there bleaching i really sold out or like but what is a butt care routine? What are people doing? Yeah, is there like a daily regimen? Like when people wash their face? Because this is coming from preparation age. So this is not the cheeks. This is like the crack. Well, I strongly think that your butt care routine shouldn't

include toilet paper. What? Got you on that. You think you should only use baby wipes to wipe? Not dry, sandy paper. There are softer things in this world than toilet paper. And I just don't understand. Okay, other than wipes doesn't mean you put them in your ass.

In? Like, yeah, a baby blanket is going to be softer than toilet paper. It doesn't mean I'm like hurting my cheeks. All I'm saying is I don't think your butt's here just don't understand there are softer things in this world wait okay when you say softer things i said baby wipes and you said there are softer things what else are you using well not cotton pads they're not for babies okay okay adult okay sure but you just leave it wet like a hose do you dry it after yeah but what do you dry it with well it's clean but what do you dry it with a variety of things what i am asking i don't know if i'm like really like i'm okay with you knowing like 80 of my butt care routine but i don't know

i think what it is is that you realize you dry it with toilet paper and no oh okay he dries it with something well what do you what do you do when you get out of the shower how do you what do you dry off with a towel yeah you towel off your ass sure it's clean all right how often do you wash that towel i shower almost every time You shower to wash your butt? I mean I want to be clean I don't want any residue So every time you shit you get in the shower?

I prefer Interesting I try to go out of my way I need to move on from this I'm really getting out of my comfort zone We were pushing you and you were doing a really good job I feel tricked It's President's Day from this. I'm really getting out of my comfort zone. We were pushing you and you were doing a really good job and thank you. I feel tricked.

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Don't forget on Thursday, our AMP show, Better Date Than Never. Live show all about dating relationships. Maybe even about care routines. This Thursday, 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific. So it's a great week lined up for you. Can't wait to deliver all the goodies. Also, extra special Friday update episode. Oh, yeah.

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This week on Going Deeper, Francesca Farago joins us to talk about her time on The Perfect Match on Netflix. It's a wild, wild show. We'll be talking about that. Let's get to our callers. How's it going? Hi, my name's Jessica.

I'm 31 years old, and my boyfriend is still very close with his ex-girlfriend and I am having some trouble navigating that. Okay. How long have you been dating your boyfriend? About a year and a half, but we live together. We have a dog together. This is a very serious relationship. And tell us about this bitch. I'm just kidding. Let me tell you. us about this bitch i'm just kidding let me tell you so yeah yeah so you live together a year and a half full on you're in a relationship talking about your future you have a dog like he could be your person uh how long do you date this horrible person how long do you date her we've been together for a year and a half we moved moved in literally three months in. So it's been, you know, it was very quick.

I feel like I kind of let go the issue that I had with the ex-girlfriend over time. I kept trying to push it down, but they regularly text and DM each other. They don't see each other very regularly, normally in like group settings, but she's been in my home. I have no problem with her. At the beginning of our relationship, his friend had said that he thought my boyfriend had been holding a torch for her, which is not something you want to hear. And how long did he have a date? They dated for probably like a year and a half as well. And but this was like in his early 20s, right? This was like 10 plus years ago.

So like, yeah, how long? So they had not been dating for a long time before you guys started dating. Right. Yes. But he hadn't dated anyone since her. Okay. So she was the last relationship. Yeah.

First and last relationship prior to me when you two met uh i i kind of assume you remember the conversation which she got brought up um yeah because he brought her up as like there was the bringing up her as the ex-girlfriend and then oh like also mentioning that they're still friends still in the same friend circle and that was something that i was like okay i mean maybe it's casual but i think i've just gotten really stuck in my head my therapist says that i am using this as a like trying to find red flags sort of thing trying to find something wrong in the relationship telling you that like this is a you problem and that you're just creating problems that aren't there yes because because of who he is and how i've described him he's an amazing partner he

treats me wonderfully like he's amazing with our dog he's uh he helps me with everything like very supportive of me we work so well together he doesn't go out until three o'clock in the morning with his boys showing up like drunk having like giving me any reason to worry about anything else yeah i don't worry about him like physically cheating on me in any way but i think it's really hard like i think because of the lack of communication with him like we didn't if i've ever brought it up it's in like some passive aggressive way instead of actually like hold on so you recognize that that's something you can adjust and fix but yeah i mean i'm not a therapist yada yada i'm just convinced well there's also like what is your body tell you that's um um my body get like literally goes like in on itself every time they're in the room together.

Okay. That matters. And I have to watch it happen. And like, I'm like hyper aware of him and how he looks at her, how they interact. Um, what did your therapist say about that? Cause that's not, that's not, that's not you self-sabotaging. That's your body responding to you not having addressed something. And maybe you addressing it is simply like having a productive conversation with your boyfriend about it.

And maybe you haven't and you've been passive-aggressive or whatever and not fully transparent with how you feel. I think part of the reason why I'm so adverse to having a full-on conversation with him is because I think the way I've approached it so far has caused it to be sort of a frustration on his part. But for him too, right? Like he's not, he doesn't on but for him too right like he's not he doesn't really understand why i feel this way and so my my little job i'll help you help him please it's not that hard you know you did okay so like yeah you didn't communicate effectively

early on this won't be the last time if this relationship continues that one of you might have to say, hey, listen, I know I acted like this didn't bother me. I apologize for how I communicated with you. I haven't been upfront. I've been passive aggressive. I'm sure that's been frustrating to you at times. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I just didn't talk to you about some insecurities I have because, you know, things I need to work through. But I'm telling you now, I hope that's okay because I do love you and I want to be with you. Like, I just want to be with you, but I, I feel insecure about this. You know, it gives me anxiety and I just hope that, you know, I, and I understand this is a frustrating topic and I, I need to know, again, we brought this up a lot and I, and I, and I take

responsibility for this still being an issue because I, again, haven't fully been upfront with you of how this is affecting me. But now I'm really trying to do that. So can we talk about this? There you go. You say some version of that. And he should be okay with that. And he has the right to be frustrated and a little annoyed

and he can be like, all right. But he should still acknowledge of like, okay, I don't want you to feel this way so yeah i'm a little okay wish we didn't have to but let's sit down and talk about it you both have to be willing to like start this conversation over because you're willing to share new insights and some real honest feelings about how you feel and he needs to be willing to hear you out and then address them and not just be like, well, I've already told you X, Y, or Z. And then a way to help him maybe understand why you feel the way you do, you could say, well, we've been dating for a year and a

half. When you first met this woman, I can totally understand that in that moment of getting to know me, why the idea of alienating a friend you knew for the better part of a decade wasn't on the table when you were getting to know me. And I never want you to alienate any friends. But as I've gotten to know you and as our relationship has evolved, I am now realizing that you still are prioritizing, investing a decent amount of emotional energy into that friendship, into that relationship. And the more we become closer and the more I think about spending

the rest of my life with you, the more I want that emotional energy to go to me and us. I've always had a ton of women friends. And while I was single, and I'm just telling you this, this is just me not role-playing with you anymore, but I valued those friendships immensely. And they're still friends.

But when I got into a committed relationship, I wanted to focus that emotional energy on building that connection with Natalie. There's only so much of me to go around. You know? Things I used to talk about with other girlfriends, I wanted to talk about with Natalie.

You know? And he's still choosing to want to talk about with her. Why isn't he talking about all these things with you? And since, and are you, do you have a rapport with her?

I have a very, you know, general group setting type of rapport. Yeah. Has she in any way gone out of your way to try to become your friend no that's a red flag i mean neither have i it's more her responsibility you're the girlfriend it doesn't mean like anything's going on it just means like you it's not your job to fight for the attention of your boyfriend in a committed monogamous relationship where you guys live together and talk about your future over a friend of the same sex to you in a heterosexual relationship. Like, that's not your burden.

It's his burden to try to figure out how to make you feel secure in this relationship and then try to still maintain friendships as long as it's within the boundaries and expectations set between the two of you. And you guys haven't done that. That's both, you know, that's both your faults. Like you haven't fully been honest about what you're comfortable with and what expectations you have. And you've let him like, you've played the cool girl or whatever, the pick me kind of energy of like, well, I'm just going to be cool with whatever. And like, I'm just going to let him just like, you know, I just hope he decides to do the right thing it's like you know and you're right you probably had the best of intentions and somewhere along the line things kind of got a little muddy and complicated or whatever but he probably does still hold a candle to her and there probably is some connection and i'm almost willing to bet that you're the what

this anxiety your body feels is because there is some sort of connection he is holding onto her and doesn't want to let go. And that doesn't mean he's fucking her. And it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means that he is not being totally honest with himself about what that relationship really is. And I think it's weird that you've been dating for a year and a half. And if she's as close to him as you say i think it's fucking weird that she hasn't gone out of her way to really get to know you like really made it a priority even if that with you being a little like cold to her at first again you're the girlfriend it's your territory it's your relationship so you're not wrong for how you feel in my opinion i don't know your therapist you know i guess we how you feel in my opinion i don't know your

therapist you know i guess we're a bit in conflict but i do think like you you know my therapist tells me to often ask me how my body feels about things and tells me very much to listen to that and again that doesn't necessarily mean that like it just means that your feeling isn't invalid and then and if your body is triggering you and feeling some anxiety in certain situations, telling yourself that it's just some silly, self-sabotage feeling, I think is a disservice to yourself. I don't know.

I think that if nothing else, it's a conversation you need to have with your boyfriend. But I think also one thing that you mentioned me me like the idea of you mentioned that um this is a heterosexual relationship where he's having a relationship or a friendship with a person of the opposite sex he has girlfriends like friends that are girls that i'm totally okay with like just knowing that he had a romantic and intimate and sexual relationship with this person is what sort of sure but makes me nervous what i'm hearing more even than that is there is just something about her that makes you feel uncomfortable and i honestly don't even think it's the fact that they fucked eight years

ago or you know what i'm saying like i think it's on some level and correct me if i'm wrong that he prioritizes her more than you are comfortable with he prioritizes her knowing about things uh about his life that you wish he would shift to you and then and my guess is you feel like there's a closeness that he has with her that either you would want or just makes you feel a little uncomfortable because like, well, dude, we're in a committed monogamous relationship and unless you don't want to be in one,

I want that attention to go to me. And I think that's totally normal. Yeah. I agree with everything you said. I think you owe it to yourself to just first, you need to talk to him. And just talk. Yeah, that's totally fair. And I would lead with your insecurities to help diffuse his frustrations or to make him feel like he's necessarily doing something wrong.

Because he's not necessarily doing something wrong. You have acknowledged that you didn't communicate your expectations and you weren't clear about how you felt and you try to pretend to be okay with something you're not. And I know how that feels and I've done that. And I can tell you that I regret doing that. We all like to think of ourselves as not jealous or emotionally stable or securely attached. And for the most part, maybe we are.

But sometimes I think in the spirit of thinking that we most part, maybe we are, but like sometimes I think in the spirit of thinking that we are healthier than maybe we are, we pretend to be okay with things that we're not. And we tell ourselves, it's not a big deal. I trust them. And you can still have trust and check in and say, I don't know what it is. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. And can you help me work through this discomfort I have about what's going on? And I'm not even necessarily saying it's your fault, but I do know that I have this feeling and I don't want to feel it around you or her. What I want to feel around you is safe. I want to feel secure and I want to feel loved. And I'm willing to recognize that part of this is a role I played, but I do need your help because we are in a

relationship and we will at times have conflict like this. And I hope that if you ever come to me saying, I'm feeling insecure about this. I don't know how I feel. Can you help me not feel this way? I would like to think that I'm not going to worry about and make you feel bad about it or get defensive. We're just going to sit down and we're going to talk it through. And maybe we might require couples therapy because this could be awkward. And, you know, it is kind of a weird thing to navigate something that's kind of been on your mind for your entire relationship, but you never really addressed it. And so you feel like you don't have the ability or the clearance to address it now because you feel like your windows pass and it's not fair to him and blah, blah, blah. It's just like, it's all like, it's never a bad time to bring these things up and when their body tells them something's off without being accused of trying to ruin a good thing. All I'm suggesting is that you have a conversation with your boyfriend about something that bothers you and see if he's willing to work with you and how to eliminate that feeling.

Because I don't know what good it is for someone to tell to tell you well you know you know just I don't know it sounds like he's a great guy you know I'm sure he's a great fucking guy I've been in relationships where you know I I just glowing recommendations I loved I was just like oh they're great people and they they were and are great people but it doesn't mean they weren't doing things that I I went back and thought it just fucking bothered me and I should be able to just talk about it. And that doesn't make me jealous or possessive. And I don't even really have the answer. I'm not even accusing you of anything.

I just want to talk about it. And I want it to be, I want to, I want to, I want to feel like that's okay to do. Yeah. I mean, that's definitely the first step,

right? Just have a conversation about it and then see what happens from there. Yeah. But he needs to, he needs to acknowledge that he's investing a lot of his emotional energy and he needs to, I'm guessing, acknowledge that if you were investing a lot of emotional energy in another

guy, he might not be indifferent to that. I mean, I also think that I was just having this conversation with a friend and i'm veering off course please let me know but um she was talking about how men put women in different boxes there's like the friend box or the like i'm never touching you with a 10 foot full box there's the um you know i'd hook up with you for one night but like that's about as far as it'll go and then there's the the dating box and once you're in a box, you're not really moving.

I don't really agree with Tink's box theory. Is that what it is? I have no idea where she got it from. I mean, I don't know. But now it's stuck in my head, Nick. And now I think she was once in the dating box. And can she ever move out of that box? Yeah, I don't know. Overall, I think there's move out of that box? Yeah.

I don't know. I just, uh, overall, I think there's a lot of holes in those boxes, you know, you know, I,

uh, yeah, feelings can change. They can evolve. People can date and become friends and friendly. I've, I have dated women and slept with women that had truly became platonic friends with,

you know, and even without a girlfriend, there was no hooking up or no shadiness or whatever. dated women and slept with women that I truly became platonic friends with, you know? And even without a girlfriend, there was no hooking up or no shadiness or whatever, certainly on my part. I never thought on their part, you know? So it's possible. Like, I don't think this is a sexual problem. I think this is an emotional problem. And I think you have every right to be a little envious of the emotional energy he is putting into that friendship. And it doesn't feel like it hasn't evolved. You know, again, like when you first started dating, it probably was like, all right, cool.

You have a friend that's a girl. I'm hip. It's cool. Whatevs. No big deal. Like you're allowed. I have guy friends, but like now you've been dating for a year and a half and how much he's investing in her over you hasn't really changed all that much.

And that's kind of weird. And if it's not weird, you need, he needs to do a better job and she needs to do a better job of making you feel comfortable and making you realize why it's not weird. It's not your job just to accept it. Again, trust is a choice, but like it's our jobs to make our partners feel secure. And he's not doing that part i hear you and sometimes it requires patience and communication we have to repeat ourselves over and over to build that that trust and security at least that's what i think what the fuck do i know so you know i mean you wrote a whole book about what you think so yeah uh but yeah that's what i think you should do uh awesome all right

cool i really do appreciate uh we would truly love an update on this one this is uh But yeah, that's what I think you should do. Awesome. All right. Cool. I really do appreciate you taking this time. We would truly love an update on this one. This is, I think, very relatable. Okay. And I think there's a lot of people. When I grow the cojones to have this conversation, I will email you guys back. Well, I encourage you to grow them fast.

What's the worst that can happen no it's true you are just taught i promise you you'll feel better i don't not maybe not immediately and i'm not saying it will it won't be without conflict a little bit or frustration but if you lead with love if you lead with vulnerability and just ask for his help about wanting to talk about this okay i just don't see how it can go poorly. And if it does, that's a fucking red flag. All right? Okay.

Maybe your therapist thinks the way you did because you have been gassing him up to your therapist in hopes that she doesn't really see who he really is. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. I'm very defensive of him in therapy like if i ever bring him up i'll always i mean i did it at the start of this of this session right like session this therapy session here immediately saying like but he's amazing amazing amazing which he is but i use those green flags to sort of like yeah stifle my emotions that may be completely valid, are completely valid.

Super valid. And maybe there's a world where you can all be friends. And maybe there's some minor adjustments need to be made. That sounds like some multiverse world that I don't know if I'm going to live in, but possibly. Either way, it's not wrong. I'm just like, you know, I am tired. I just met you and I'm already tired of you doing nothing about it. Fair enough. I'm working on I'll work on it. I'll work on it and I'll update you guys.

All right. Amanda will email you weekly. Yes, I will become your pen pal. Give us the update. I'm giving her permission to shame your ass until you do something about it. And even if you haven't done something. In the DSM or probably not something an actual therapist would do, but I'm not. So fuck it. Yeah, my therapist was prescribing some shaming your ass. But please do keep us in the loop even if you haven't done it

yet let us know why you're not doing it i will be in contact with you you got this and more than happy to talk to him as well mediation oh my gosh super fun okay it'll be fun what do you have to lose all right you'll be like it's one of my favorite podcasts we'll have so much fun on it bring her on too i was okay you would love that i'd be i was terrified to tell him i'm doing this that's why i'm doing it during my lunch break that's uh i hear that i hear that but i don't know newsflash relationships aren't perfect they take work and sometimes they require awkward conversations you need to run things by friends and like whatever, you know. vulnerable and calling into a podcast, getting advice on how to go about approaching this in the most compassionate way. Like you could see that as such an act of service and dedication to the relationship. There's also the, if it starts with a narrative of, wait, you called

in and we're like talking shit about me, you know? Like, and so I would just, whenever it does come up, maybe be mindful. It's like I love you so much and our relationship so much. I am so afraid to lose what we have. It is one of the most meaningful things I've ever had in my life. So just know that everything that I am talking to you about, that I want to work with you is all like, because of that. And just like, I love you so fucking much. And I just really want to feel happy around you. And I want to feel secure. And I want to acknowledge my role and, and, and me not feeling that way. And I'm hoping that you are willing to work with me on this. And I am asking for some patience because I'm sure I have

said or done things that you find frustrating, but I hope that's okay. But I do need your help because this does bother me and I don't think I'm crazy. That last part, I mean, I do think I'm a little crazy, but probably not because of this. You're not crazy. I don't doubt that you feel crazy. I don't doubt that you've driven yourself crazy, but that's part of it because you've ignored your gut. You've ignored what your body is telling me, and you keep telling yourself these other

things, and I don't know what's going on, and maybe nothing's actually going on. If nothing else, then he's just not prioritizing the way you want to be prioritized in a loving relationship where you're talking about your future i think also to amanda's point like i've snowballed this in my own head in looking at it from one angle always trying to find reasons to prove myself right so it's not a two-way conversation yet i don't hear his perspective i don't know it other than those little moments. And I think sometimes subconsciously, because you've sort of, and what you're trying to do is you're trying to empathize and you're trying to have forethought, which are two really wonderful and well-intentioned things. And I find sometimes for myself, when I try to do those things, I can subconsciously, when I enter the

conversation, because I've had this so many times in my head, and I've responded to the catastrophic version that I've built out, then I can subconsciously enter the actual conversation with the other person using language that's kind of reflected of like this catastrophic place that I think it will go. And so I think it's the kind of thing where like just going into it with, you know, the care of saying like this could be a big deal has already served its purpose you've been really thoughtful about it like it did its job it was there to protect you and to make sure you would you know be mindful about this you're being so mindful about this and so going into the conversation like let yourself let go of that need to protect by kind of clinging to that worst case scenario and really try to like treat it

casually which i know is always easier said than done for sure for sure you got thanks guys i'm very invested we believe in you thank you thanks guys all right take care take care bye how's it going good how are you good what's your name? My name is Mandy and I'm 33. How can we help Mandy? I'm wondering how I turn a five-year on and off again situation ship into a relationship. Blind hope. Yeah.

All right. So if you listen to this show, I'm guessing you know how I might feel about your chances. So I would love for you to convince me how you think it's even possible. Like what makes you believe that this is worth your emotional energy to attempt? So a lot has changed over the five years. Okay. This is a person that's a few years younger than me.

And when we first met, he was 24. I was 28. Okay. So he's four years younger than you. Okay. Yeah. I've traditionally always gone for older. So this is a little bit different for me.

And I think due to that, there was definitely some ways he came off a bit young. Or being a 24-year- old man in this day and age you know it's not settling down isn't necessarily uh a top priority for a lot of no young men and i i'm not a hundred percent sure if he's even there yet i've actually never seen him in a relationship in the time that i've known him um so not knowing for sure whether he even thinks he's willing for is definitely not convincing me no no i do appreciate your honesty because we're we're just here to seek the truth that's all that's all we really want anyway continue. Recently, when I hung out with him again after ending a relationship that I was in for a little over a year and a half, he was in a new career, seemed really motivated and driven by that, which is something I'd always seen him be a hard worker before, but never as passionate about something. be a hard worker before but never as passionate about something. He was also really leaning into saving for a house and progressing his life in that way, which is something I've not seen before.

He kind of had been a bit frivolous with his finances and such in the past. I'm seeing some growth in him overall as a person and I'm hopeful that maybe that would mean there would be growth in the potential relationship in the future um i know both his siblings are married now and that doesn't really impact him per se but but you're could have some impact what prompted this thought because like of course like i mean he's four years older and unless you were investing in a total loser chances are he's grown he's evolved you know right but does that mean he's your person does that mean he wants to date you now does he is he saying this are you have you guys been hooking up like where are you getting this resurgence of hope from so we did hang out uh

about a week and a half ago um and did hook up in that time he did tell me he had really missed me that was a bit in the heat of the moment so i don't know how much of that to i'm sure he i'm sure it was all very true it also means nothing as it relates to whether he wants to prioritize you or prioritize a relationship with you like i like you i miss you you know what do those really mean on its own i like and miss people all the time i don't want to make them a top priority in my life right you know yeah and i i'm also kind of wondering if maybe he's been he's been in the past a bit more passive because I've always been the aggressor and I've had other relationships during that time. One of which was actually a three year relationship in which half of it, about a year and a half in, it became an open relationship. And I hung out with him during that time.

He was the only person that I was hanging out with outside of my relationship. So that became a very complicated situation. You were sleeping with him as well? Yeah. Okay. And kind of also growing kind of an emotional connection. Yeah. And did you talk with him about that?

Not too deeply. You guys just pretended it wasn't going on no i mean it was it was pretty direct as far as like hey that he was actually pretty hesitant at first because he was like you've got a boyfriend what's going on he made sure that he wasn't stepping on any toes that he shouldn't be and and i was very forthcoming about all that with him um so it was it was well defined in that why was it an open relationship i'm just out of curiosity i think it was probably because it should have ended but it was a better relationship than either of us had had in that time and i think we're trying to make it work okay um but it was but why were were trying to make it work. Okay. But it was kind of.

But why were you trying to make it work? What caused that? Like why do you think it should have ended? Like what was the catalyst? Like most people don't say hey, like, oh, should we break up? Let's start fucking other people. Like there's, I think there's a specific reason

why you guys went down that path. I'm curious as to what it was. I think part of it was to maybe evade like a a jealousy type thing i've always had friends that are guys and i've girls as well but it caused problems in past relationships and i felt like i couldn't have any friends outside of that that were males because of that potential uh we were also living together at the time so i think that definitely caused because of that potential. We were also living together at the time. So I think that definitely caused part of the higher effort to try to make it work when it really wasn't a great match.

Gotcha. And what did you, how did you, what did you think about the open relationship while you were doing it? Like, what were you feeling? I felt okay about it at the time in hindsight I think it probably should have just ended but I also think that I would have wondered if I should have given it more effort at that point I don't know yeah no I mean I get like obviously I'm just more like curious that was a big decision you made and then you did it and like that was your first time doing

that yes yeah yeah I grew up really conservative. Yeah. So I'm just really curious about your state of mind, despite, you know, you're not with that person anymore. Okay. You moved on, but. Right. Did you find it?

Do you think you'll ever do that again? No. Okay. So not for you. No. You realize that your intentions for doing it really just did not, your expectations didn't meet your reality when it came to that? Right.

I think a big part of it too was a lack of a physical connection. I'm a very physical love languages kind of person, physical touch kind of person, and he was not at all. And I think I was just craving that also. think I was just craving that also. And that's something that I definitely see with this friends with benefits situation that has been going on for years. He's a very physical person. Of course, that always is great when it's filling that bucket for me. You're addicted to his dick a little bit. Addicted. We can call it that. There we go.

Addicted. You're addicted. Yep. That reminds me of an old song. Dick-dicted. Dick-dicted. Dick-dicted. Dick-dicted. Oh, God.

You're dick-dicted. We are dictating your dick-diction. It has such a role of the tongue. Dick-dicted. Dick-dicted. Dick-dicted. Dick-dicted. Dick-dicted.

Yeah. It's just... So, you're dick-dicted. I get that. I get the draw. I know what it's like to be consumed by your physical attraction to somebody. But what else, you know, I haven't heard one thing from you that gives me any hope that there's anything more with this guy than some history and a really pretty dick? I think there's always been a lot of chemistry there.

Don't doubt that. He's also, also been there for me in some pretty tough times. I lost a family member in a pretty violent way a few years ago um we also within a month we used to work together um and within a month one of our co-workers unexpectedly passed away too um so he definitely was there kind of actually waiting right outside the meeting room when that happened because he knew it really impacted me and just kind of took a walk with me to make sure everything was okay okay so um you know he's been there to support you that's nice

like when you guys last hooked up a week and a half ago did you was it was it pretty standard in terms of like did you guys talk about anything like where like if you were to pursue this like are you stunning he has no does he have any idea? Like what's. That's where I'm, I think that's probably my biggest issue right now is how to even broach it because I'm afraid of, a little maybe afraid of losing that situation. But also I know we can't keep doing this. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. So on one end, you're right. You can't keep doing this. It's like, On and off, on and off. It's ridiculous. Yeah, you're right. You can't keep doing this. It's like, it's ran its course. You've had enough of sex. Two, there's also like almost certainly if you want it to keep going, he'll probably let it keep going too.

So like it's probably not necessarily the end. And on some level, you seem to be good with torturing yourself. So my guess is like you, you know, it's not the end of the pretty dick if you do shoot your shot if you don't want it to be. On some level, I guess maybe, you know, it's not the end of the pretty dick if you do shoot your shot, if you don't want it to be. On some level, I guess maybe, you know, after hearing your story, like this sounds a lot better than I've been in this consistent, very ongoing, very messy, very emotional situationship. And like I've tried and he said no and I've tried and he said no and I've tried and he said no. And I'm just wondering, do you have a new way for me to try? Like, it sounds like it's just been never really addressed all that much. If I'm him, I guess I'd probably have a lot of questions about that open relationship

if you haven't really talked about it. You know, if I'm him, I'd want to understand what that was all about. What were you feeling and thinking? It's no wrong thing. him i'd want to understand what that was all about what were you feeling and thinking it's no wrong thing i just would want to understand i just would want to understand you know i'd find it fascinating i mean honestly i'd be like that's really interesting like what did you like it did you not like it like what were your thoughts and feelings um you know it's a weird thing to be the other guy so like maybe just try to like have some of these conversations with him and but at the end of the day i think shoot your shot you know you just say listen um it's been really nice i we saw each other a week and a half ago you've been in my mind ever since like i've i don't know how you feel felt about me in the past uh i certainly like

um i've always cared about you. I've always liked you. I've always appreciated everything you've done for me. But, you know, I've had my reservations about like us. You know,

I've thought about us and in the past, it was like, I don't know if we're there, you know, but like, I wonder if we are now and is that something

you want to, like I'd like to date, I'd like to take you on a date. I'd like to get to know you. I'd like to get to know you I'd like to connect with you and it's hard to say it's awkward but I think you need to say it in a very meaningful way like that you know like in a way like what you want I want to I want to I feel like we've got the foundation of a really strong connection but I really want to build on that and I want to get to know you and I want to become close to you. And I want to, I want to be your best friend and I want to take our amazing

sex life and turn it into an amazing emotional connection and see where it goes. And that's a lot and it's heavy and he might have to think about it, but at least, you know, you've shot your shot and maybe there's something there, but someone is going to have to like really go for it. maybe there's something there but someone is going to have to like really go for it and yeah you know and since you know what you want you might put them on the back burner might as well be you and i think you should be open to answering any questions and make it a safe space to take advantage of the rapport that you have to allow you guys to talk about as many things as possible that maybe other couples or other people just starting to date might feel a little awkward to talk about. And maybe you can find out

sooner or later whether this is a real match because you do have so much rapport, but there is an element of like, you guys need to start dating and start new and, you know, and, and, and create a new relationship with each other and let the old relationship help you get there faster, so to speak. Yeah. Yeah, I know while in the open relationships, he did say to me at one time, like, kind of wish we'd had a shot, but obviously now that's not an option with your boyfriend. And maybe he said that because he knew he could say that and he wanted to say that and

there was nothing to risk because you had a boyfriend. You know, like. Right. There's something there. I don't know what it is. He knew he could say that and he wanted to say that and there was nothing to risk because you had a boyfriend. There's something there. I don't know what it is and he might not know either. But if you ask, how do I do this? You go for it. You go all the way. Okay. You go all the way without worrying about whatever risk you might be taking.

I like that you said, basically, like, offer to take him out on the date. Because I have always gotten criticized in the past for being too much of the aggressor in situations. Like, I try not to judge myself too harshly for that, I feel like. It's who you are. And the right guy will love that about you. You know, a lot of guys who love confident women i'm one of them you know you can be assertive in what you want without being bossy yeah you know yeah they like you and i'd love for you to take me on a date or can we go on a date you know you can soften it up you know and still assert your expectations. I'm simply just suggesting that you communicate

your desires and expectations. And if you'll ever listen to the show, I want everyone to do that. And I don't think that makes you crazy or bossy or pushy or anything like that. People can be bossy and pushy, but it's through their tone and how they act and their unwillingness to like get,

you know, they're just like, this is what I want, I don't care, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, but like stating your expectations and putting yourself out there, that's not bossy or pushy or, you know, that's just not wasting your time. I mean, that minimum is flattering. Yeah, it's just not wasting your time.

Yeah. You know, so you go all the way or don't go at all okay all right all right and then yeah and then if he is open to it then i encourage you guys to get into the weeds about how you guys feel and try to let the other person know that there is no wrong feeling to have but you want to be able to express it to one another. And, and you want to, and that doesn't mean it might not get awkward or weird at times, but you're building a foundation of trust and communication. And to do that, you guys have to make the other person feel like no feeling is invalid or wrong.

Okay. I like that. All right. I like that. Yeah. Keep us posted. Will do. Thank you so much. Promise me you'll give us an update. I will. I will.

This is a promise. It's a promise. You got it. Okay. I'm going to follow up with Amanda about you. Sounds good. All right. Take care.

All right. Thank you. All right. Alright. Take care. Alright, thank you. Alright, bye. Things I want for this show. Tell us. I want everyone listening not to feel like meeting their expectations means they're crazy. I also want guys to start asking what women enjoy in the bedroom.

That's another hurdle. That is the hill Nick will die on. I do not know how to tackle that because not enough men listen to this show. Two hills Nick wants to die on. One, DJ over live band. Two, guys asking girls what they like in the bedroom. Yeah, what do they enjoy? Or what makes them happy?

Or how can I make you think I'm awesome at making you feel good? I don't understand. it's not that hard. Ask for directions. I know guys, I don't understand, ask for directions. But who like, what is that? Maybe that's why people get so What is that, where did that come from?

Dictated is because the general bar is so low. Maybe. Maybe people will get less dictated. Bars and hell. If as a whole, we can create a culture. Guys who are just willing to like softly massage more clits you know i don't understand uh it's just not that hard and to ask a question is so easy so easy what do you like how can I make you happy?

Mm. Yeah. Wow. That would be a treat. It's your moment. Tonight's all about you. Tell me what to do. Wow.

Music to the ears. Nailed it. And knowing the women, the little bit I know, I feel like like most women after they received such generosity they would be feeling very generous themselves oh yeah it's like a pay it forward situation you know when someone pays for someone's starbucks drink in the drive-thru and then everybody does that it's like you're starting an echo chamber of oral sex yes i don't understand until you ordered one iced coffee and the person behind you

is ordering for an entire wedding party. Let's bring them up. How's it going? Hey, I'm Victoria. I'm 26 and my mom wants to buy us a house

but my boyfriend has too much pride. Okay. Well, you said boyfriend so i'm seven years okay okay um yeah i mean still boyfriend so why can't your mom buy you a house well okay so it would be she would buy the house it would be in her name and then once we get married she would gift it to us okay and then so basically because the reason why she would do this is because so we just moved from texas to miami and the real estate is very different from texas and um for, like my boyfriend really wants a house.

He's sick of condo living. He hates elevators. And I understand that. But the houses that he can afford himself are in very dicey areas. Sure. Whereas like in Texas, like you can get a $500,000 house, you know what I mean? So my mom, I mean, I don't want to live in an unsafe area. I'm not going to put myself in a position where I feel like I can get robbed.

I guess how big of a problem is this? He's like, no, I refuse. I'll break up with you. We'll never get married. Where are we at with the, how he feels? So where we at right now is, at first she was like, maybe him and I will go half, but again, he can't match her on that,

and she doesn't wanna do a mortgage, she just wants to do cash, that's just the way she is. So your mom's in a position to pay for a house via cash? Yes. Great. And she would wanna do that for me, but also for him as well, because this is gonna be my husband eventually. That's what I feel like,

I feel like that should just be the focus. I mean, all the planning aside, you're not married. You're just not. And until you're, you the planning aside, you're not married. You're just not. And until you're not even engaged. Yeah. Okay. No, I know that.

Yeah. And that's not to necessarily throw in his face or whatever. It is simply the reality that you two are boyfriend and girlfriend. are boyfriend and girlfriend. You have a mom who is in a very favorable financial position to do something generous for her daughter, especially if she does end up getting married. In the meantime, your mom is simply just making a financial and real estate investment. And I'm assuming your mom will work with you on,

A, the type of house that you might want to live in but b my guess is she might have input on whether she thinks this is a goodbye or you know if your mom yeah i don't know why your mom has all this cash lying around but chances are she's not bad with money uh and she knows what she's doing. And so why isn't this just more of a decision between you and your mom? Knowing that if your boyfriend decides to take the next step and propose, and you guys decide to take another next step and get married, that you have a house. And then you guys can, you know, I don't, why?

I agree. I agree. Basically, like, he wants something in like his name. Like he's, he just, he's just sick of paying rent. And the way he's seeing it is like, even, even so it's not really mine. If like your mom's getting, buying it. And I'm like trying to explain to him, like, eventually it's going to be ours. She's just helping us and she wants to put us in like the best financial position to not to pay a mortgage, to worry about eventually family planning. Like this aside, why aren't you guys engaged?

How old are you again? 26. 26. Not, you know, you're still young. Don't get me wrong. It's going to, I mean, we talked about it. It'll happen within like the next year. Like we're, we're just not in a rush.

Like that's just, I don't know. Like I don't, I'm on a run. We're just not in a rush. That's just... Okay, great. I don't know. I'm not in a rush. Great. That's awesome. He's not making sense to me. I agree. I agree.

I mean, to me, it'd be silly not to. I guess maybe the difference is what... My mom would prefer to get a condo. She's like, why would you not get a beautiful condo on the water in Miami? You're young and 26. why would you get a house a little far away from all your friends and like not like why would you do that you can do that in 10 years yeah so and i agree like i'm just like yeah so i mean the way i guess more than i'm asking is like because i have relayed this all to him like he's aware the ball is in his court but just more of like how to like communicate with him about this because like to me it makes so much

fucking sense whereas i don't know he has too much pride does he acknowledge that he doesn't make sense because it's one thing if he's like listen i understand but this is something i want to do and i got a lot of of pride. Has he acknowledged his pride? He has acknowledged the fact that he wants to have something for himself. He really wants to build together. And he has the right to do that. And nothing that we're talking about is stopping that from happening. It's certainly allowing him to work hard to meet whatever personal goals he has of accomplishment but

even still like can he acknowledge that his reluctance to let this happen is all based off of his pride it's not based off of like pragmatic thinking you know it's just his ego yeah you know and his ego's so big that it's he's literally willing to not only put himself in a more unfavorable position but he put his girlfriend of seven years who he plans to get engaged to and marry in a less favorable position just so that he can feel more like a man yeah i yeah i that's something you guys need to work on and i would if i were you i would i would be reluctant to want to get engaged to someone who is so hard-headed and so um stubborn and i guess maybe insecure with his masculinity that he can't allow a you know it's one thing if your mom was somehow like spending money she didn't fucking have she's literally paying cash for this fucking thing and she's like this isn't like the thing

is it's like I think he's leaning more towards like this would be dumb if i didn't do it but like i think he's just like worried like about like the what's the right term like the ties that he might have to like ties of what that's the thing your mom's not asking for anything she's like i'm gonna buy a house i'm gonna let you guys i'm gonna let you fuckers live in it and if she even like the hoa we'll pay the HOA. We'll do all of that. Yeah, if she makes you guys pay rent, okay, well, you're going to have to pay rent somewhere else.

I don't know. Maybe she doesn't make you pay rent. I don't know. That's between you and mom. But I will say, if your mom makes you guys pay rent, you should both be paying rent. Right. She'll make us pay the upkeep which is like less than rent

so like what's the fucking problem you you she's literally hiring you guys to to be property managers and and you're getting a great discount i don't you know and like he's 20 how he's also 26 he's he's 28 okay so he's 28 i didn't buy my first home until i was 40 and i'm crushing life and i like you know yeah and you have a beautiful home i'm sure like you're in a position to have a home yeah and i made certain decisions that like instead of like buying a house in wisconsin i chose to take some other risk whatever it just like so i i just think you you need to have more conversations with him about why this is such a struggle with him i think because he mainly wants a house and

the thing is like the houses that he can afford are not great i mean the houses my mother can afford she can are great like in good neighborhoods but the thing is it's like the way she thinks of it's like the better investments of condo on the water okay these are two different discussions right so first discussion is is your is your boyfriend comfortable with your mom gifting you real estate at all because it's i'm getting the i'm hearing the answer to that is no right now. Mm-hmm. And then if he eventually gets to a yes, then that's a separate discussion of, well, since she's going to gift it to us,

where do we want to live? And sure, whether I agree or you agree or your mom agrees, maybe he wants a house. Maybe a lot of people don't like condo living and don't want to have neighbors and like want a home and they want to have a yard and they want to work and they want to feel like this is their sanctuary. Once I owned a home, I fucking get it,

you know, but that's all. That's exactly what he wants. You know, but that's whole, that's completely separate than him being okay with your mom helping at all yeah so make sure you're not make sure you're not muddling and combining two different arguments that seem i mean they're clearly connected but they're not they're

completely two different decisions yeah well because it's also based on like location too like that's the main problem for us it's like he he works up at the hard rock stadium whereas i work in south beach very far away again but yeah that's a whole separate conversation because you guys are going to have that issue where should we live regardless of mom and yeah your financial limitations might play a role but like either way it's like he's kind of contradicting himself because the only thing that could change is well now that he's willing to accept mom's generosity well now he's able to afford a house he wouldn't able to afford on his own if he's willing to put up a fight to like convince mom and you to do the house instead

then he maybe isn't that far off from just saying yes to mom's generosity and listen like to your mom's point it's just like well i could buy a condo now and it might not be your first choice but since i'm the one doing it i think it's the better investment or smarter play i don't know i don't even know if it is and you and so and then she could always sell that condo she could rent it out you know it could be an airbnb or something and then you guys you know and and you figure something out where like and if she's gifting it to you you guys choose to sell it and use it for your down payment for your first house you have options but you first have to figure out

whether he is okay and he should be and it's weird that he's not uh i guess how to communicate because this i mean talking about like money stuff is like the hardest things to talk about but also one of the most important things to talk exactly so and we we talk about it but like this is like obviously a big financial decision yeah so i guess from your perspective like how how do you like communicate stuff like this in like a very like calm manner because like i feel like i can get agitated pretty easily try not to ask each other how each other feels about it and do it without judging so how does this make you feel and give him space to express himself with and listen and don't fucking respond at first just listen and then say i'm not not responding

because i'm ignoring you i want to think about what you're saying. I want to think about how that makes me feel. Slow down the conversation. And then you say, okay, well, all right. Validate his points. Okay. That makes sense. Okay. I understand. Okay. That makes sense. Okay. But what about you just respond? Well, what about this? This is how I feel. Can I, can I now express how I feel but you know especially when it comes to where you live

but you're not engaged you're not married so at the end of the day this is really a conversation between you and your mom your mom wants to do something nice for you

because tomorrow you guys could not be together if you want it it's like you break up like that and i'm not trying to i know but like right now it's just your your boyfriend and girlfriend right and and that's fine you're taking your time and that's fine you're not but like you're still boyfriend and girlfriend and if there was no difference between boyfriend and girlfriend or getting engaged there was no difference between boyfriend and girlfriend or getting engaged or getting married, then you would have already done that on some level.

So you can also not be in a rush. You can not be engaged, but also acknowledge that there's maybe justifiable reasons why you're not engaged yet. And that doesn't mean you're not in love and it doesn't mean you're not going to. But it's like you're trying to play how you're acting like a married couple while saying you're gonna guys aren't ready to get married so right start there and it's okay

or i do want to marry you but we're not we're not married yet so let's let's enjoy being a boyfriend and girlfriend but my mom wants to do something nice for me and i'm really grateful that my mom is able to do that and i want to take her up on this offer and since we live together like it would just make sense for you to just like you know enjoy the fact that i got a mom doing something nice for me i mean what's the fucking difference between this and like your mom like showing up with a car like she buys you a range rover what is he not going to get in the car he's never going to drive it he's like oh my god i can't i only drive my own cars that i buy they're in my name what the fuck's the difference yeah no you're right that's a good way of putting

it you know yeah and then when you get engaged or married you can start planning about what's best for the two of you and in the meantime tell him to bust his fucking ass and work his ass off and work hard and support him and tell him you believe in him and tell him that you are attracted to his drive. And yeah, in the meantime, gas him the fuck up. Tell him how proud you are of him. He's a God of supporter, which I'm so happy about. Yeah, so tell him how much you believe in him and how proud you are of him and how excited about your life together and that there's not a doubt in his mind that part of the reason why you love him

is how you know he's going to take care of you guys and make him feel all the things that your average man, whether it's toxic masculinity or whatever the fuck people want to call it, wants to feel. Because masculinity, I think a root of it is wanting to feel you know because masculinity you know the

i think a root of like it is wanting to take care of the people you love it makes i agree it makes us feel good and i don't i don't think that's a bad thing so make him feel good about his that you believe in his ability to do that and i think that can go a long way with him like not making a big deal about your mom just wants to do something nice for you and once you get over that hurdle and then as far as where you guys live you know you're gonna have to decide you're gonna have to work through that regardless yeah no for sure you know what do you think that 26 and a 28 year old should live like where do you i mean i would have lived on the in a condo on in south beach and i would have had some fun you know but not not i don't he's not i don't know

anything about him and it's not crazy he doesn't want to you know because like yeah you know how i mean my guess is you're not going to move that far inland you might be like a 20 minute uber right away and he might be thinking i don't know i don't go out that much and i'd rather like i'm gonna spend most of my time in the house so i want want to love my house. And if I want to drive 20 minutes to the clubs, I'll take an Uber. I don't think there's any wrong thing. And you guys will work that out. And again, you're gonna have to work it out regardless. But more than anything, stop acting married, act like boyfriend and girlfriend and make decisions based on the reality that you're boyfriend and girlfriend. And that doesn't mean you're not in love.

You know, you say very confidently to me, hey, we're just not ready. I'm not pressuring him. We met at what, 19? We're only 26. He was 21. Like, we're just, we're not, I'm not in a rush. And yet you guys are acting like you have to act like you're married to somehow like validate like,

Oh, well it's, you know, like what's the point of dating for seven years if we're not like living together or we're not like thinking about our future. It's like, I don't know. What's the point?

We're tired of paying rent. Yeah. But that has nothing to do with playing house, buying a house, renting. I mean, there's mixed opinions, but it's not always the best, worst thing. Yeah. Gives you flexibility.

Flexibility is fun. Flexibility lets you chase your dreams. Flexibility likes to keep your options open, you know? And again, regardless, your mom, you know, it's just silly that your mom wants to do something nice for you. This is not a present to him yet. is a present to you yeah that's i guess that's that's where his conflict is i guess it's just because it's not like technically his yet but i'm like yeah yeah what's nothing's been his yet he's been living in someone else's home his whole life why is this all of a sudden a big deal i don't understand thick-headed i've literally never looked at my lease after i signed it i mean he's

talking like he framed he's gonna frame his lease in his office and be like it's mine it's my house it's my name on it like who the fuck you know but i i i think you need to just talk with him about why he feels the way he does and he needs to acknowledge the stubbornness behind it right because like yeah you know these these issues will bleed into other aspects of your relationship so just talk with him and create a safe space around why he feels the way he did acknowledge his feelings make him feel good about himself make him feel like you value him and you believe in him and my guess is if you do that he'll be a little bit more open-minded to like because there's got to

be some level of he wants he doesn't want you to think less of him he doesn't want you to he doesn't want to like not have you believe that he is capable of taking care of both of you and and and you know that's great that he has that ambition so like just find a way to make him believe that while still like taking your mom taking your mom up on her offer that's a good way of putting it i just i i definitely don't validate his opinions on this type of things like that because i'm like i mean knock on wood god forbid your mom passes tomorrow and you inherit her fortune like what the fuck's it i don't understand you say no to that what the fuck yeah like i mean he needs to acknowledge he's just not making sense okay

that's no i that okay i just i didn't want you to validate my feelings, but I also, I just wanted someone to like, cause I'm like, this doesn't make fucking sense to me. Yeah. Like it's, to me it makes, it doesn't make any sense, but like, I would lean in as much as you can on trying to really make him feel

important and really make him feel like you value him and you believe in him and you're in awe of how hard he works and really just really go for that for maybe like a week or two and then who knows he wouldn't shock me he's like you know what babe honestly like let's just let's just have your mom do this thing okay and i can see him coming around i usually he'll talk to his father and then his father's like put some sense into him and then spend the next two or three weeks okay letting him know how much you believe in him and make him feel like a king okay but like a hard-working king who wants to protect his people and really cares about, you know, like, and just, and see what happens.

I'm just curious. Honestly, that's like an experiment. No, I think that'd be fun. I, I think that's smart. I'll do that.

All right. For sure. We'll keep us posted. All right. All right. Have a good one. You too. Bye-bye.

Thanks for listening guys. Don't forget better date than never on Thursday, 9 p.m. Eastern update special on Friday, Francesca Than Never on Thursday, 9 p.m. Eastern. Update special on Friday, Francesca Farago on Thursday, Going Deeper. Jason Ritter helps us recap The Bachelor. I hope you join us every day this week. Can't wait to see more of you. Bye. We'll be right back. You'll get perks like access to any of our 2,400 clean and spacious locations. Bring a friend anytime and both work out with tons of equipment in the judgment-free zone. Relax in the Black Card Spa and more.

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