The Viall Files - E546 Ask Nick Updates Special Episode - Part 5

Starting point is 00:00:00 what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files update special edition let's give it up for the update. We all love the update. Yeah, Derek, give us a little. There we go. That's what we love. Kiki's in the house as our special guest, sitting on the couch, just kind of chilling, office dog.

Starting point is 00:00:36 Amanda, Allie, Derek, how are you all doing? What's going on? What's new? Whenever you say update, I think of the Nicki Minaj lyric, where she's like, dinner with a man on a G5 is my idea of an update that's like

Starting point is 00:00:48 blazing my mind every single time and I'm hoping maybe it will warm its way into other people's minds too and so it's not

Starting point is 00:00:55 a burden I carry alone yeah I did not I would not have expected that from you yeah a little edgy what do you mean you know

Starting point is 00:01:03 I didn't imagine I would say anything you don't think i'm a bust out i i'm a i have a complicated feelings about being a barb yeah it's truly a guilty pleasure yeah yeah that's true yeah that's true because some people say they have guilty pleasures and i'm like i don't think that's a guilty pleasure i think this is something you like i don't want to take this intro fully off the rails but i'm curious if everybody has a female rapper that they most identify with.

Starting point is 00:01:26 Most identify with? Identify with, like, just like who you're like, I fucking love. Lil' Kim. Okay. I don't feel like I'm up to date on female rappers. Yeah, I don't. I mean, I've seen Megan Thee Stallion in concert twice, and I really enjoy

Starting point is 00:01:41 her shows. Do I identify with her? I don't know. Probably not. But really enjoy her shows. Do I identify with her? I don't know. Probably not. But I enjoy her music. Love that. Derek? Little Sims. UK Grime. Oh. Okay. Venom.

Starting point is 00:01:57 Good song. Well please let us know in the comments. I don't know. It was like Venom. No that's not the Eminem song. Okay, oops. Anyway, we have a major announcement. We told some of you guys, we told all of you guys yesterday's episode.

Starting point is 00:02:14 Some of you guys. It's an exclusive club. Anyone who was paying attention. We're here to finally announce, excited to announce, pleased to announce, Vile Files Plus. Woo! Yeah. Plus. Vile Files Plus. Woo! Yeah. Plus. Vile Files Plus.

Starting point is 00:02:28 What is Vile Files Plus? Well, it's Vile Files Plus more things. Everything you get to enjoy in the Vile Files right now isn't going away. Your ethnics, your recaps,

Starting point is 00:02:39 your going deepers, and your once a month update specials. We will continue to bring all these to you forever and ever. We love you. You are our base that created us. We are not taking anything from you.

Starting point is 00:02:51 Amanda's very worried about you guys being. Yeah, I am worried. I don't want you guys to feel like, fuck you. You're trying to take money out of me. Well, now you're putting that thought in their heads. No, nobody was like wait i hadn't thought of it like that now i'm gonna be mad i just mean that like i feel like people bristle sometimes when there's an added financial skin in the game i just want to be

Starting point is 00:03:14 clear we're not taking anything away we're only adding a value it's only if you want more we we have a lot of people constantly let us know of all the more things they want, like more updates. We will be bringing you more update shows with Vile Files Plus. There's a lot more updates that we just don't have a time to get to. And if you love these updates, we'll be following people's stories through Vile Files Plus. So we're getting more real-time updates. It's going to be such a ton of fun for all the people. And there's been a ton of you who just aren't available at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific for Better Date Than Never. All of those episodes will be behind Vile Files Plus. They're a ton of fun.

Starting point is 00:03:56 They're funny. They're just a looser version of us. We're usually intoxicated and talking about sex and dating. It's a ton of fun. Also, there's so many pop culture content that we don't get to every week i'm going deeper so we'll be doing weekly roundups of our favorite most relevant pop culture topics we'll be recapping other reality tv shows we might finally get into sex and city things like that everything that i had back in the day uh with my bachelor uh kind tell-all from my season,

Starting point is 00:04:28 all the interviews with the women from my season will be there. We did this recap of The Notebook, which is one of my favorite episodes I ever recorded. And we'll be putting that up there. I might even tease it on the feed. Anyways, it's coming March 10th. Friday? Is that a Friday? Yeah, it's my sister's birthday friday

Starting point is 00:04:45 march 10th so look for that we'll be talking more about it more info we're excited to bring it to you nothing's going away for all the things that you enjoy but if you can't get enough of us um we got you covered and it's a ton of fun and just a small small investment to bring a better quality of life to you dear listener because we don't want you to feel alone. You will really get to know us more, I think, behind the vile files plus wall. Yeah. We're going to get a little more loose, a little more vulnerable, a little more whimsical, I would say. Yeah. Maybe we'll argue more.

Starting point is 00:05:18 Oh, yeah. You can hear Nick and I argue about politics, maybe. Maybe. If you want to feel like you're watching a tennis match with me, sign up. Okay. Me, every time you guys go back and forth. We don't argue. No, we converse.

Starting point is 00:05:31 We converse. I enjoy our conversations. Hold on to your kilts, dearies. Peacock original The Traitors is back with a new season of strategy, betrayal, sabotage, and murder. This killer season features

Starting point is 00:05:44 an all- new celebrity cast that Vulture hailed as reality royalty living in a Scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition. We're talking fierce competitors, reality stars and public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize. This season's cutthroat missions are

Starting point is 00:06:00 next level, just like whatever Alan Cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe. One thing is for sure, these 21 players will do anything to avoid a plot in Alan's graveyard. Find out why critics and audiences alike are raving about the Emmy award-winning series The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for, and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession. We are certainly obsessed.

Starting point is 00:06:24 Stream every episode of Treadersaders now only on Peacock. Ladies and gentlemen. What are you doing? What do you mean? I'm making it simple. I'm making the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say, hey, we're the Bravo Bros.

Starting point is 00:06:37 Two guys that talk about Bravo. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the Bravo Bros. No. Oh. Dude, stop with the voice. Just keep it simple. I've seen promos on TV, dude. This is how you get the fans engaged. This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get

Starting point is 00:06:51 listeners here. If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it already. We need some oomph. Alright, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice. Brav Bros. Good job. Anyway, do we have anything else we need to get to before we get to our updates or well i was gonna ask the question do you own anything of your exes that you still

Starting point is 00:07:14 use that is like like a gift that they got that rocks that is still a part of your life a gift and does your partner if you have a current partner do they know about uh vanessa and i bought this like buddha at like a home goods. So no like watches, clothing, et cetera? It's prominently displayed in our house,

Starting point is 00:07:28 yeah. And she knows where it's from. So, just a Buddha. But like a gift, like if a girlfriend like bought me a watch

Starting point is 00:07:38 I really enjoyed, I wouldn't get rid of it. I still, I have like little like trinkets saved from like high school people. Like if they got me something or made me something, it's still in like my room at my parents' house.

Starting point is 00:07:50 I have a necklace from my like more serious high school boy, I mean serious high school boyfriend, because it's like a Kate Spade necklace. So I was like, well, not throwing that away. I think it's silly to like throw away something that actually you enjoy or have value to listen if if your heart is broken and it reminds you of that person and you can't bear to wear it because you're sad yeah put it aside or whatever that's fine but i think it's ridiculous for any new partner uh to um make a big deal about it and like make you not wear it or enjoy something. Yeah, it's like just take it as a challenge to buy a very thoughtful gift

Starting point is 00:08:30 next time the occasion runs around. One thing I've always wanted, though, that I never got, and we didn't fight about it, but my parents, when I was just home, were convinced that at one point I had a boyfriend's sweatshirt, and I'm like, I've never had a sweatshirt.

Starting point is 00:08:44 No one has ever given me a sweatshirt. I've never had a sweatshirt no one has ever given me a sweatshirt i've never kept a sweatshirt we're like you in trouble what why were they convinced you had a boyfriend's sweatshirt no they were just like no there was someone i swear you had something you gave it back but like you did have one because like that's what i've always wanted to have a sweatshirt i hear that i really hear that especially in high school it was kind of like a cute yeah and they were like no you definitely one, but I think you gave it back. And I was like, tell me who gave me a sweatshirt because I guarantee I didn't. I'd love to meet him.

Starting point is 00:09:11 Literally. Whose sweatshirt was it? No, my boyfriend, before he left for a film set a while ago, that was going to be like a few months. He was like, do you want a shirt? And I was like, yes. And he wore it for the day before. So that way it would smell like him.

Starting point is 00:09:22 If you're out there listening and you have a crazy dating story or relationship story regarding this topic like did you get in a fight over it what was the fight about you know what happened what was the item like when my sister was in high school when my sister was in high school she got a sweatshirt from her high school boyfriend like a very early one that was very short term and then later on in high school her friend started dating that guy and he wouldn't give her a sweatshirt so she went in my sister's closet took the sweatshirt and would like wear it around as if he gave it to her high school girls man crazy when you want a sweatshirt you want a sweatshirt you want it you just want it i was would you do that in adulthood what take a friend's well i don't know that i would be dating my friend's ex in adulthood yeah although i don't know i think i sometimes have

Starting point is 00:10:11 the tendency to like if i'm like ending things with someone amicably i'm like can i refer you to a friend like as a mutual here pay it forward yeah have you ever broken up with someone over a a gift from an ex that you didn't want to get rid of i'd love to hear i would also because i sometimes just get a little tender like with like really good thoughtful gifts like new girl got me a very thoughtful gift oh she got me airpods which i'd never i had like weird like amazon ones before was that thoughtful this is because she made fun of me for not having AirPods for like months. And so she would always be like,

Starting point is 00:10:47 you don't have AirPods. I was like, I don't need them. She's like, let me fix you. I have my cheap Amazon ones. They're great. And then for my birthday, But now they're just like practical, nice headphones.

Starting point is 00:10:55 Yeah. It's like the biggest treat in the world. It is like an upgrade that like, But every time you put them in your ear, do you go, oh, new girl, bought them in.

Starting point is 00:11:01 No, it's just sometimes where I'm just like, where I'm like, damn, like this was a really good gift. These are so much better than the knockoffs I was using. Well, sure, yeah, because they're just better. Like you would need, if she didn't give you the gift, you would have already probably upgraded it on your own.

Starting point is 00:11:17 No, I wouldn't have. I was stubborn. I was using cheap headphones for so long. Either way, though. But then I lost them tragically yeah it was those were the ones that you lost yeah i don't know what happened you don't have them now no and and then i got kind of emotional but i was like well maybe they were never really like should have been mine like if i oh you're making me sound like my take is wrong i don't

Starting point is 00:11:43 know because you're clearly having a sentimental and emotional attachment to these things. I feel like that's a very natural girl thing to do. I'm trying to articulate that they're just fucking headphones. Enjoy the headphones. Sure. Sure. I think there's no right answer here. I think both perspectives are valid.

Starting point is 00:12:00 Well, you can feel however you feel. But my whole point is, if your boyfriend was like, I'm uncomfortable you wearing those headphones. Yeah, that'd be like... Then it's just like, they're fucking headphones, dude. But you're sitting there in the grocery store crying over headphones. So maybe I don't want you wearing those headphones every time you put them in. I am sitting in the car looking stoically out the window.

Starting point is 00:12:23 I am not crying in the grocery store. Anyway, interesting window. I'm not crying in the grocery store. Anyway, interesting topic. I'd love to hear from you guys. Send in all those questions and stories at asknickatthevilefiles.com. Don't forget, we are back next week with an Ask Nick Mondays. Batch a recap on Tuesdays.

Starting point is 00:12:40 Lala Kent is with us for Going Deeper, and she is immersed in some drama. Drama, drama. You know, feuding going on. Maybe we'll get some answers from Lala Kent is with us for Going Deeper and she is immersed in some drama. Drama drama. You know feuding going on maybe we'll get some answers from Lala you know. For the listeners Nick just put both of his hands out and then moved his neck back and forth. Kind of like DJ double turnstiles.

Starting point is 00:12:57 I was getting like jazz like little. The way you're doing it looks very musical. You really yeah. I was like 5, looks very musical. You really, yeah. I was like, five, six, seven. Those were jazz hands. I was more, you know.

Starting point is 00:13:10 And if you're like, what are they doing? Go to our YouTube. Go to our YouTube. Subscribe. We want a plaque. Selfishly, we want a plaque. But if you listen

Starting point is 00:13:18 to this audio only, we love that you do that. But just go subscribe to YouTube for fun. Don't even have to watch. Just subscribe. It would just be awesome. We really want the plaque. You don't even have to watch. Just subscribe. Just subscribe. It would just be awesome.

Starting point is 00:13:27 We really want the plaque. Amanda wants the plaque. We will bring the plaque and prominently display it in the office. And maybe post a new TikTok about the plaque once we get it on our new TikTok page. There we go. Vile Files TikTok. Yeah. We're breaking 10K today, I think.

Starting point is 00:13:45 Big day. Big day. We're on our way. Hold're breaking 10K today, I think. Big day. Big day. We're on our way. Hold on to your kilts, dearies. Peacock Original The Traitors is back with a new season of strategy, betrayal, sabotage, and murder. This killer season features

Starting point is 00:13:56 an all-new celebrity cast that Vulture hailed as reality royalty, living in a Scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition. We're talking fierce competitors, reality stars, and public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize. This season's cutthroat missions are next level,

Starting point is 00:14:13 just like whatever Alan Cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe. One thing is for sure, these 21 players will do anything to avoid a plot in Alan's graveyard. Find out why critics and audiences alike are raving about the Emmy award winning series. The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession. We are certainly obsessed. Stream every

Starting point is 00:14:36 episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. Ladies and gentlemen. What are you doing? What do you mean? Just keep it simple. I'm making making it. Just keep it simple. I'm making the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say, hey, we're the Brav Bros.

Starting point is 00:14:50 Two guys that talk about Bravo. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the Brav Bros. No. Oh. Dude, stop with the voice. Just keep it simple. I've seen promos on TV, dude. This is how you get the fans engaged.

Starting point is 00:15:03 This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get listeners here. If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it already. We need some oomph. Alright, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice. Bravo, bros. Good job. Anything else? No, happy Friday.

Starting point is 00:15:17 If you missed Better Date Than Never last night, ooh, damn. Make it next week. Or Vile Files Plus March 10th. Alright, let's get to our callers let's ask nick your sexy questions welcome back jessica hi nick thanks for having me back i actually have uh some regrets about having my fake name be jessica uh people do that sometimes i don't know why people really for those i mean i think most people at this point know uh people don't

Starting point is 00:15:52 give us their real names they give us it's uh fake name real age fake name real age and just it is a great name i just i had i was going to use my porn star name oh but i i was too what's the porn star name so the porn star name is your middle name and the street you grew up on and i think mine's pretty good um it's maxine saunders oh if i don't say myself i think that's a pretty good one that's like the lead of a like romance novel nick what's yours man's novel nick what's yours joseph mapleway i'd watch it mapleway north that's not bad that's not bad at all mine's like weird mapleway sounds yeah maybe there's something about the context where it's like maple every time people call in they they really when we give an opportunity to pick a new name they really it's a moment for for a lot of people i'm like whatever just be pam they're like no

Starting point is 00:16:54 like hi i'm noel having an identity crisis yeah i have a once in a lifetime opportunity to name myself yeah all right a lot of pressure so well all right maxine saunders uh what's up like let's all remind the audience uh last time you called in uh what was your issue um and what was your question my boyfriend is still very close with his ex-girlfriend and i am having some trouble navigating that okay how long How long have you been dating your boyfriend? About a year and a half, but we live together. We have a dog together. This is a very serious relationship. And tell us about this bitch. I'm just kidding. Let me tell you. They regularly text and DM each other. They don't see each other very regularly

Starting point is 00:17:42 normally in like group settings, but she's been in my home. I have no problem with her. At the beginning of our relationship, his friend had said that he thought my boyfriend had been holding a torch for her, which is not something you want to hear. It's not your job to fight for the attention of your boyfriend in a committed monogamous relationship where you guys live together and talk about your future over a friend of, of, of the same sex to you in a heterosexual relationship. That's not your burden. It's his burden to try to figure out how to make you feel secure in this relationship and then try to still maintain friendships as long as it's within the boundaries and expectations set between the

Starting point is 00:18:19 two of you. So last time I called in because, um, I have an issue where my boyfriend is close friends with his ex-girlfriend and I was having trouble navigate that relationship. And for one thing, I sort of allowed myself to think that it's it's me. Hi, I'm the problem. It's me. I was the one having the issue and that they weren't doing anything for me to be worried about. And what I appreciated from you, Nick, is that you made me at least feel validated in saying, hey, this is worth a conversation. Even if nothing is happening, I have a certain way I'm feeling. And you had mentioned, how does your body feel, which my body cringed every time I had to deal with this situation. And you said to listen to that and to at least initiate this conversation. And? And so what I did was, because I have a tendency of just sort of spewing out my feelings,

Starting point is 00:19:16 I thought I would feel a bit more organized and write them down in a letter. Okay, love that. I wrote the letter down. And on Saturday, I had a session with my therapist and we discussed the letter. Okay, love that. I wrote the letter down. And on Saturday, I had a session with my therapist and we discussed the letter. The slight problem was is that our walls in the house are very thin. And my boyfriend heard bits and portions of my conversation with my therapist. So as soon as I left the room, and walked outside, I saw his face and I knew immediately this conversation

Starting point is 00:19:45 is going down right now. Okay. But there was no hiding it. And even he said, he's like, all right, let's go. I was like, okay, I wasn't planning on doing this. He goes, I know. Let's just sit down. Let's do this. And ironically, he did not think that we were going to have the conversation we did because as soon as I presented the letter to him, he went, oh, wow. And then kept reading. What did he think it was? Well, I had some issues in the past that I'd brought up about me feeling a little uncomfortable with the girls he follows on Instagram. If you can't tell, there's a bit of a pattern in how my brain works. So he thought he had heard me talking to my therapist about that again, a conversation that we've had that we've cleared up in the past. So when he started reading and realized what it was about, he was

Starting point is 00:20:39 sort of thrown off. He got a little defensive and thought that we had already discussed this prior, like a way long ago already. And in the letter I did say, which is something that you had brought up, I apologized for how I had handled it in the past about being passive aggressive, about just having little random spats of where I brought it up, as opposed to having a mature and full conversation about it. And he softened up towards the end of the letter. He appreciated that I was handling this the way that I did and said categorically that he has absolutely no feelings for this person, that this person is very much a platonic friend, that he has not had any sort of

Starting point is 00:21:26 interest in in over a decade. And one another thing that you had brought up is how involved I am in their friendship and their in their relationship. So one thing I had suggested was that I would like to have more of a relationship with this person if they're going to be in his life. If this is someone who's going to be communicating with, I would like to have at least some sort of relationship as well with them that I, and he admitted that he felt like he kind of had to keep it a little bit to the side because he didn't know how I would react. He was nervous that it would cause trouble. And I said, well, this is what's going to cause trouble, not including me, you know, messaging her on your own without really ever including me in the friendship was going to cause me to harbor

Starting point is 00:22:09 more resentment and more insecurities. Yeah. Cause at this point you're in a relationship, you guys are one. What's the point of being in a committed monogamous relationship, boyfriend and girlfriend, fiance, marriage, if the goal isn't to become more and more connected and the more and more closer and more and more like a singular entity. It's important to have your own individual aspects of your life and that's great. But when it comes to other types of friendships, I just don't think it's necessarily healthy. I mean, everyone can be different. But I don't think, and I'm confident in saying, it's not wrong for you, as I said last time, it's not wrong for you to feel insecure or bothered by him having a very separate relationship

Starting point is 00:23:02 with another woman, especially one that he's had relations in the past. And that's okay for you to feel that way. And, and yeah, like if you're going to be together and he wants to be friends with her, she should be friends with the relationship, not necessarily friends with him, you know, and you're a part of this relationship and yeah, they might have their moments too, but you should know about her and feel comfortable with her and get to know her insecurities and what bothers her. And you should be someone she can come to for her guy problems, et cetera, et cetera. And she should be able to have dinners with the two of you. If that is bothersome to her, then again, you have

Starting point is 00:23:42 a right. This is not his homie from high school where he just wants to have some guy time. And if he wants to be in a relationship as a heterosexual male with a woman, he's going to have to make some sacrifices. And when it comes to other relationships in his life with women, if only the sacrifice is to share the friend, share her with you. And that's ultimately what you're really asking. Yeah. Yeah,

Starting point is 00:24:12 no, for sure. I agree. And I hope, I mean, I know that I do have, I am coming from a place of like being particularly insecure about other women in my relationship,

Starting point is 00:24:22 but I want to be able to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that these steps are going to go in a direction where we're both going to be more comfortable. And so how did he receive that? Well, like what was, you said you wanted to get to know her better and he acknowledged that, you know, I guess I didn't realize, I almost felt I had to keep it separate. But then you said that, what was the follow-up to that? I mean, he received it very well. I think he understands where I'm coming from. Now it's just a matter of seeing it in motion. We haven't had the opportunity to be in that position again, where she's physically around us. So I guess we have to sort of wait and see what happens.

Starting point is 00:25:05 But like, why can't he be proactive about this? Like get her here now, like make it a point to just get the two of us in our room. And yeah, I mean, again, I don't know what you, what you want.

Starting point is 00:25:18 I think, I think you just have the right to say, you know, this would, can we do this? And you like use that. We can, we do this. It would really help me, you know this would can we do this and like use that wheel can we do this it would really help

Starting point is 00:25:26 me you know um yeah and have him just go out of his way because it should it should this should be a big priority for him if it's a priority for him to have her as a friend it needs to be a priority to him to make sure that you're comfortable with it and if you can't be comfortable and you're being reasonable you're not saying you can't be friends with her. You know, you are right now, you're talking to your therapist and writing letters and trying to figure out ways to give your partner what he wants. And that is a friendship and what you are asking for him to give you what you need for him to have that. And you're willing to work with him and he needs to make that a priority. You can't be leading this charge. And I think it's fair for you to say, I've communicated to

Starting point is 00:26:09 you what I need. And it would really mean a lot if you would be proactive about this. If you would be the one to lead this charge. I'll give you notes, so to speak, and I'll let you know how I'm feeling, but I don't want to have to push you. I want you to want this. I want you to be excited that I want to be friends with your friend. Because most people in relationships like it when their partners like their friends. And people don't want to have to like, oh, okay, well, I'm going to hang out with Frank, but she hates Frank.

Starting point is 00:26:40 You know, like no one likes that. And also to share like that part of your life. Like it makes you feel even better known. Like when my partner knows my friends. Yeah. So I want to see him be proactive here. You know, it's almost like exposure therapy. The more exposed I am to this person, the less the insecurities will be. That's right. You get to just ruminate and wonder and worry about like all the, why the fuck am I being excluded? That's exactly it. And so, yeah, you want to just be like sitting at a dinner with all three of them

Starting point is 00:27:09 and get to know her and get to know their friendship. And at some point, I'm sure you would be dying to like internally be like, yeah, I got nothing to worry about. That's exactly right. But they're not giving that to you. And it's his job to make you feel secure. And I think you could just reiterate with him,

Starting point is 00:27:24 all I want is is to feel more connected and secure with you and this is what i need and i want i want you to have all the friends in your life that bring you value and i'm willing to work with you like when that conversation ended scale of one to ten how how good did you feel about it and its chances of getting to a place that you need to feel secure? I would say, let's say a seven and a half. Because I think I felt very confident. I was very grateful for how it was received. It felt like I was very grateful for how it was received. Okay. It felt like, it felt like I was heard.

Starting point is 00:28:06 I think he, he has good intentions moving forward. It's what you said is the being proactive part that I'm giving myself that extra few points to wait on. When did this all happen? When did this go down? So Saturday, Saturday, not many days.

Starting point is 00:28:32 So when you get off the phone here, I'd love for you to text them. Okay. And I'd love for you to say something like, no, no, no. You're going to say something like, hey, I just want to say thank you. I was really nervous about that. Thank you for hearing me out about whatever her name is. All I really want is to feel close to you. And I want us to feel both secure in this relationship. And it really means a lot to me that you received it as well as you did. So thank you. I love you. Thank you for making this a priority. I hope that we can like address this sooner than later i'm i'm looking forward to being friends with your friends i do like that okay are you gonna do it yes do you want us to should we draft it right now let's draft it oh let's do it let's do it okay hey i just want to say uh thank you for the other day.

Starting point is 00:29:28 Um, I was really nervous about all this and it really meant a lot. How well you received, um, me talking about this. Yeah. Or like how much you listened or something. I think you said heard me out.

Starting point is 00:29:44 It really meant a lot how you heard me out and made me feel understood or something yeah and like understood where I was coming from and didn't make me feel like I was wrong for feeling how I felt yes yes oh

Starting point is 00:29:56 wait you made me feel heard and didn't make me feel wrong for feeling this way. Yeah. I love you. All I really want for us is to find ways to feel more and more connected

Starting point is 00:30:23 and secure with each other. Thank you for making this a priority. I'm honestly excited to become better friends with your friends. I love you. He's going to be like, this is, she didn't write this. There's nothing self-deprecating in this letter.

Starting point is 00:30:42 Well, put your spin on it if you want. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, but want. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, but also I said- My spin would be, I'm sorry, I'm a mess. I'm sorry, I did everything. Yeah, and also like, yeah, this is you invest,

Starting point is 00:30:53 this is self-growth. This is you trying, you know, like, hey, I want to eliminate some of these destructive habits I have and these, you know, self-deprecation is good, but like, you know, where is it coming from? Yeah, because it's like, I think it's like we confuse, have and these you know self-deprecation is good but like you know where is it coming from yeah because it's like i think it's like we confuse or i at least confuse like humility with self-deprecation a lot of the time and like i think one of the few things that really helped me improve in that area

Starting point is 00:31:15 is to like the kind of like the quote of like you treat people how to treat you yeah and is it really self-deprecation or is it like... Is it like a cue? Oh, for sure. I think it's like Amanda said, the idea of being a little bit more humble, trying to almost ease the tension in a conversation by shitting on myself to make the other person feel better. I do have a past where I am coming in with a lot of insecurities that I'm working through. So sort of sifting through where, where is what part of this is me and what part of this is, and my thoughts and the way that my negative thoughts tend to overtake situation and a situation as opposed to what is the reality of this situation and what part can i vocalize wanting help exterior help it's very scary um to put ourselves out there in these vulnerable

Starting point is 00:32:15 moments and so what we mostly do is we don't we become closed off we become guarded we become more sarcastic and and we and we push them away because we're afraid of them not accepting us and so or we downplay it yeah we downplay it think of it as like a huge the thing that they don't see the significance of it so you know something i've always tried to work on in my relationships and something even now you know it's when i'm feeling insecure, I go hard out of the paint in the sense. That's why I think, you know, you're saying I love you three times in this short message because it's, you do. And that's a very vulnerable thing to say right now, knowing that you're feeling a little insecure about some things, but you love him and you should tell him that. I'm expecting him to say,

Starting point is 00:33:04 I love you back. And that's going to make you feel more connected because even in your vulnerability, you're still reminding each other how much you care about each other. And most of the time, I think we have a way of, in our vulnerability of pushing each other away just in case the person doesn't love us back.

Starting point is 00:33:19 You guys are going to emotionally drain me, but maybe for the better. Hopefully for the better. Yeah. I can't wait. Someday I would like for you to invite her and him on the show. I know you would, you would love that. Of course. Yes. And I think everyone would, and you would too. And it'd be great. You know, how long have you been dating this guy again? About a year and a half. A year and a half. And do you want to get married someday well um i can't i'm

Starting point is 00:33:47 currently in the middle of ending a marriage so that adds a little spice to the story but um i have a hard time with the idea of being married again okay so i think these are all the insecurities that kind of come yeah so down the line i I guess all I'm saying, you know, if you're going to continue to date this guy, we just want you to feel secure with her being around. That's all. So whether it's at your guys' wedding or whatever, and maybe you don't get married again, you know.

Starting point is 00:34:19 We'll see. TBD. TBD. We'll be part of the update. I love TBD. That's great. All right. I'm coming to your wedding if you get married. Again. He's crashing. I'm crashing. All right.

Starting point is 00:34:29 Thank you so much for the update. Wait, wait, wait. What is it again? What's her name? Maxine Saunders, right? Thank you. Absolutely. Thank you, Maxine Saunders. From what was it? What Maplewood joseph mapleway north from joseph mapleway to maxine saunders thank you is that what we're gonna do now i think you maybe started a new trend in the show yeah we want everyone's porn name we appreciate you being so vulnerable and send that message as soon as you get off the phone truly will do and let us know how it goes i will be following up i i will have an update i will yeah following up i i will have an update i will have yeah i mean honestly i just love an update to his response yeah okay even just like

Starting point is 00:35:09 a screenshot or like yeah whatever you feel comfortable sharing all right thanks so much max sounds good all right all right take care guys take care so we have a written update from our girl erica so she was on episode 527, The Situationship with a DJ. Do you remember this? She's a club promoter. He's a DJ. The whole thing.

Starting point is 00:35:32 So she wrote in saying, okay, here's the tea. I'm not going to lie. I had trouble following your advice at first. He was hitting me up. That's not too surprising. She seemed to be resistant. Yes.

Starting point is 00:35:42 I also feel like she was in her early 20s, you know? I mean, there's, I think there's, there's I think phases to hearing and receiving advice. Totally. The difference between like knowing what the right thing to do and being able to implement that right thing is like, there's some space there. I think sometimes when we're like stuck, you know,

Starting point is 00:36:01 and I think ultimately whether you're going to therapy or calling in or whatever, like emotionally, we can get stuck, we can get stuck on people. And I think sometimes whether you're going to therapy or calling in or whatever like emotionally we can get stuck or you can stuck on people and i think sometimes we're really stuck if advice is like some sort of like um cleanse like a shower you know how like oil is like resistant to water and it's like you have to like break down the barrier that's repelling there's buildup yeah like and so at first like like if some sort of water is the advice that is going to rinse off, you know, whatever's stopping you from like getting unstuck, I think there's this kind of a sticky, oily residue that kind of repels advice, you know, and advice doesn't

Starting point is 00:36:38 really break through. So I think she was coming in kind of very dripped in oil in a way, you know, motor oil. Emotionally. And so like, yeah, some of this stuff got through, but really it didn't really saturate into her, her body, so to speak. Totally. So she says he was hitting me up. We were talking, et cetera.

Starting point is 00:37:00 Then I got to Italy. We continue talking. I sent him videos and he was saying how proud he is of me, blah, blah, blah. He's like, wow, you're living your best life. And he was giving me travel and club recommendations, etc. I felt myself wanting to share everything with him. And when we would take and then he would take forever to respond, I would get annoyed. I started crying a couple of times. Wine makes me emo. And I finally was like, wow, I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be on my phone checking at this man who I don't even know what I'm going to see again, texted me emo. And I finally was like, wow, I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be on my phone checking at this man who I don't even know what I'm going to see again, texted me back. One night,

Starting point is 00:37:30 I was so annoyed I blocked him on everything. The next day, I felt so good, so relieved in all caps. I went out with friends, was more present in the moment, and even made out with two Italian guys at the clubs. I feel a lot better after blocking him and I think I just needed to let him go to move on. It is still hard some days when I see something that makes me think of him and I want to text him. For example, I learned how to roll my own joints and he would always talk about that. Ha ha.

Starting point is 00:37:57 God, what a, I feel like that is. I love that. She's just recognizing that she, you're gonna have still memories of people, you know? Even if shitty people like can show us something, you know, rolling a joint or whatever, or say, hey, try this on your salad. And you're like, oh shit, this is tasty, right? And then we get attached to those things

Starting point is 00:38:19 and then subsequently, you know, overvalue people who teach us these little, you know, life hacks, so to speak. Right. And I think I love that she can recognize that she can still like have the urge to text, but like roll the joint and appreciate what he, you know, gave to her and still not overvalue him. So I think it's almost therapeutic for her to do the thing that reminds her of the guy she's trying to get over and not see it as anything more than i know how to roll a joint now you know or it's like exposure therapy yeah like you know with one x it was like she introduced me to crush rose pepper flakes you know and vanessa taught me uh how to make her pasta sauce

Starting point is 00:39:05 and I still make it. I don't sit there and have a 10 minute therapy session in my head thinking about Vanessa every time I make the sauce. It's just you have to, it becomes your own thing. But at first it is a process at first to do that. So I actually really love that she included that and added that and,

Starting point is 00:39:26 and, and yeah, it can kind of go through that thing because we want to be able to take, you know, the good things that we learn from the people, you know, the good things that we learn from the bad people. Not that he's a bad person,

Starting point is 00:39:39 but he's bad for her. Yeah. So we want to take good, good moments from the people who are bad from us because they, we can still benefit from every person who comes into our life, even ultimately if they're not good for us in the long run. And also, I feel like so much of a situationship is this all or nothing thinking of like being like on the edge of your seat, so deprived and deranged, like in my experience, waiting for someone to text you back or like this ultimate high of like feeling like wanted at the moment they do reply or they do invite you over and i think it's so healing to be practicing like nuance because it's way more complicated than just being like either i fucking hate this person and they have me on edge or this person is like sending me on this crazy high and so i think you're so right that it's like a part of healing the update continues okay then let Then. It was good that we gave her props before what sounds like is a step back.

Starting point is 00:40:29 You know, yeah. And growing is nonlinear. Yeah. And that's important to remember. So then last night I got bored and I unblocked his Instagram for a couple minutes to look at his story. At least she knows she got bored. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:43 There's growth here. Yeah. A lot of this language is she's killing. Erica's killing it. There was literally the most vulgar video of a girl grinding on him on a beach. It was like so gross. You could see his dick. Very small BTW in brackets.

Starting point is 00:40:57 My best. My friends found the girl's Instagram and it looks like they're dating or something. I didn't even cry. And honestly, now I'm more filled with anger towards him. Like you. That is so gross. Also, the outfit he was wearing was so hide something. I didn't even cry and honestly now I'm more filled with anger towards him. Like, ew, that is so gross. Also, the outfit he was wearing was so hideous. I re-blocked him. There's still a large part of me that misses him.

Starting point is 00:41:13 Feels like I'm meant to be with him. Like we have this emotional attachment and I've never felt that way about any guy before. It's hard for me not to unblock and text him. I really, really have to try so hard to remember that he is not worth it. I just wish it ended differently, I guess. I honestly think it will just take time. I'm trying to take it one week at a time telling myself, OK, I'm not going to text him this week.

Starting point is 00:41:36 Then eventually it will get easier. I'm somebody that likes getting closure. And it's kind of like I want to hash it out with him. Tell him why I'm blocking him. I want him to notice that I blocked him and find some crazy way to communicate with me to tell me that he's sorry. But I just know that that is a very, very low probability.

Starting point is 00:41:54 How do I stop hoping he notices, hoping he'll come back? I'm having trouble moving on. I love this. This is an amazing update. It's an amazing update. It's so honest. Vulnerable, like self-aware. Yeah, so self-aware,

Starting point is 00:42:06 which I feel like is the hardest thing in situations. She knows she was bored when she unblocked him. She recognizes, you know, she can admit certain feelings that she knows maybe aren't true, but that's how she feels. Like she feels connected to him. I mean, you know, being the DJ that he is, like some people are just

Starting point is 00:42:25 more charismatic. And when you, especially when you work in environments where your job is to talk to people and connect with people, some people are just good at making people feel seen and connected and valued. And it's less about your connection with them but their ability to connect and i think it's the consistency part that can help you determine whether this is someone who's really connecting with you or they're just good at connecting with people because you feel this connection and so erica and and so when when he kind of disappears, she misses him. But he's not missing her. He's doing the same thing as someone else, probably.

Starting point is 00:43:09 Yeah, right? And if she had it her way, that connection would build. It would be consistent. Or he comes and goes. And so that inconsistency is just a sign of this person isn't really getting the same from you that you are from them. And again, it's not anything to defile yourself it's just maybe this person and again just like context matters like the dj got the dj is good at you know spitting game honestly sure the dj is good at making people feel good about themselves

Starting point is 00:43:38 in short bursts of time and that's kind of a shitty feeling i get because you're just like this person is making me feel like someone finally is seeing me in a way i want to be seen or feel special validated but you know maybe maybe they are just like they're just giving a shit about you totally and they're just nice good at making someone feel like they give a shit but it's like they're not available to you it's only it's really just for them they're soothing you for their own needs, not for your needs. And I think there's something about that. It makes them feel good about themselves. Yes.

Starting point is 00:44:08 And I think there's something kind of sobering about being like, it has nothing to do with you. I think when I've been in the throes of a situationship, I'm like, what did I do that's making them not respond? It's all centered on my narrative and how I intersect with them

Starting point is 00:44:22 when the reality is that it's all the other circumstances that really contribute to whether or not they're hitting me up and it has nothing to do with me it's a good email well okay progress Erica yeah Erica you're doing an amazing job congrats on being so self-aware yeah I just uh keep keeping self-aware challenge yourself to you know and don't beat yourself up when you have these moments and give in just recognize that you're not you know i will try to have fewer moments of of giving into boredom yes and we will check in with you in like two weeks see how you're doing sure welcome back amber thank you for having me that was good good to have you on. So what episode was she on? Episode 513, the first caller.

Starting point is 00:45:06 And this was, yeah. Yeah, episode 513. And so you were calling because your dad kind of forced you to meet his mistress. Yeah, I had a bit of a surprise on Thanksgiving when I walked in and my dad's mistress was there. Ambush. A mistress ambush. A mistress ambush. Yeah, your dad's a mistress, a mistress, a mistress ambush. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:28 Amber was ambushed. Amber, Amber was ambushed. Let's play a quick clip from that episode just to refresh our audience's memory. Hi, my name is Amber and I am 19. And I was blindsided into meeting my dad's mistress on Thanksgiving. Oh, okay. Well, here we go. For a little context, during the pandemic,

Starting point is 00:45:46 we thought my dad was working remotely, like taking conference calls from his car. Turns out he was having an affair. This all kind of came out in the pandemic. My parents got divorced. And since then, I have never met her. They live together now, but I had made it pretty clear I did not want to meet her. Okay. And I, at the very least, wasn't ready to meet her. They live together now, but I had made it pretty clear I did not want to meet her.

Starting point is 00:46:05 Okay. And I, at the very least, wasn't ready to meet her. I thought that I was going to his house or his family's house just for Thanksgiving dessert. And I walked in and there she was. It's hard to, I guess, form that relationship when I can't trust him in that sense. Okay. Have you told him that? No, I don't think I have. Yeah, I mean, what do you have to lose? I mean, I think you seem like a really nice, delightful person.

Starting point is 00:46:33 I feel like you can communicate, be direct, and yeah, just be like, I want to have a relationship with you, but I want to respect you too. Oh, that's good. You know? Yeah. And I understand people make mistakes. If you weren't happy with mom, fine. But like,

Starting point is 00:46:51 I want to respect you and that I want you to be honest and I want you to be upfront and I want you to communicate and I want you to do, I want you to handle yourself differently because you, like you did, you, you violated my trust in you. And I want to build that back. I want to believe in you, dad. You have to help me believe in you. So give him a little hope by saying that you want to believe in him. It must be hard. I can't imagine having a child and having them say something like that to me.

Starting point is 00:47:18 If that doesn't want him to hold himself accountable, nothing will, truly. Yeah. His 19 year old daughter very maturely says, I want a relationship with you, but I want to be able to respect you. I want you to be an example of the type of person you want me to be. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Say that to him. Oh, I like that. Write that down. Okay. And what was the advice that I gave you? Yeah. Okay. And what was the advice that I gave you? So you basically told me to just kind of have a heart to heart with my dad and sit him down and just kind of talk about how I want a relationship with him, but I also want to be able to respect

Starting point is 00:47:55 him. And I want to be able to feel proud of, to say, you know, this is my dad and these are the things he does and how he acts and to ultimately just remember that he's my dad and he's going to mess up, but I only have one. And that actually really helped. So you did that? I did. I did. It took about a little while later. I waited until after Christmas. Okay. But we were actually just talking. Did you guys go out? Did you just kind of bring it up while you guys were alone, like set the stage?

Starting point is 00:48:31 So I was actually back at school and we were just on the phone talking and I was just kind of feeling really grateful for him. He had just kind of, I'd noticed he'd been really stepping up and really taking an extra step to communicate and really talk things through. And I had seen something to, it was probably honestly another one of your podcasts where you were just saying, you know, if you have a parent that's loving you, that's something to be grateful for. And I just kind of clicked in my head, like, you know, no matter how many times he messes up, I know always at the end of the day, he's trying, he's trying and he loves me. And I also realized that I think I had been sort of looking at him every time something would happen and kind of think about like, oh, he's going to act the way he did a couple of years ago, or he's going to treat this the same

Starting point is 00:49:17 way. And no, I mean, he's been working on his communication skills. And I thought about how different I am now than I was a couple of years ago. So I was kind of like, I wonder what would happen if I started approaching conflict or conversation with him from that angle of maybe you're going to treat it differently. Maybe I'm going to treat it differently. And I kind of just expressed that to him, that that was my desire. And he seemed really receptive. I mean, it's been really good so far. What did you say to him? I think I said something like, I know that we haven't had the best relationship,

Starting point is 00:49:51 especially over the last couple of years. I also recognize that you've been working really hard on yourself. And I recognize that I'm definitely not how I was two years ago. I've definitely gotten better at communicating. I've definitely gotten better at telling you how I'm feeling and really listening and that I really want us to have a productive, good relationship. Um, and that I'm, I'm going to try and do my part to put that energy forward and really approach situations with that mindset. And he seemed to really appreciate it. What did you bring up specific to the mistress or the affair? I kind of hadn't really, I mean, cause he and I talked about it right after it happened, where he had basically been like, I'm so sorry. I was kind of like, there's nothing,

Starting point is 00:50:35 there's nothing I can do. And he had invited me to a Christmas celebration with her. And I had just expressed, look, I know I've met her. That doesn't mean I want to continue to spend a lot of time with her. I'd rather have a celebration with just you. So we did end up having a smaller celebration with my siblings and him and some other family that she wasn't at. So he did seem to understand that perspective, which was refreshing. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:05 Because you could have definitely not have, which was refreshing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because he could have definitely not have handled it that way. Yeah. 100%. He could have demanded you support this relationship, which seems nuts. But like, yeah, people do that type of stuff all the time. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:19 Yeah. He definitely could have handled it much differently. I really appreciated that he was kind of just, I understand where you're coming from. I'll respect it. That's good. And where are we now with him? Now we're pretty good.

Starting point is 00:51:32 I mean, it's- Is he still seeing her? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Yeah, they're very much together. But I mean, she actually gave me a Christmas gift, which was very nice, very surprising. And I don't know, I think, I think we're kind of moving in a towards a situation where my relationship with him is getting stronger. And I'm getting more used to the idea, I think of them together. So I think

Starting point is 00:52:00 I could be in the same room as her and it would be fine, but it's not something I would actively desire. Sure. What would be something that your dad could do that would like really disappoint you? Like, you know, you see this growth and it's, you're, you're filled with kind of this optimism about your relationship with him and that that's awesome. But we all have moments of backtracking or like bonuses or weaknesses. Like what would be something that he would do that you would find upsetting, if anything? And I guess I'm only bringing it up because I think it's just almost inevitable

Starting point is 00:52:38 that he might do something that disappoints you. And that doesn't necessarily mean that all the progress you've made with him has gone to shit. It just might be a, another conversation of like, you know, like I hated to see that. How can we, you know, work on not doing it again? Like, it's almost like you, you're almost like the parent in a lot of ways in this relationship now. And maybe it's just more of a mutual like friendship right whereas friends friends will challenge each other and try to bring each other up and when they have moments of weakness like offer that tough love

Starting point is 00:53:17 but also empathy and grace at the same time is that something that you're okay with doing and have you prepared yourself for that possibility that still might be required as you guys look to grow this relationship? Yeah, I mean, I think, like you said, it is inevitable because we're all human. were to bring something up to him that upset me or that didn't sit right. And he were to get defensive about it and, and not approach it from understanding is more, I think a father should. I think that usually is what kind of gets to me so far. It's been pretty good.

Starting point is 00:53:59 I mean, we've had moments I think. And usually what I do is I take a minute and I'm just kind of like, OK, I'm I'm not pleased with how this is going. And especially if if it's over a text, I'm like, OK, maybe this was a miscommunication. And then I think I tend to just. Again, try to think about it from the perspective of this is how it came out from him or this is what he did but is this what he meant and I try to understand from that point of view and then I bring it to him and

Starting point is 00:54:32 I tell him and usually I mean it's always been it's never his intention it's never his what he meant it was just for execution so so far it's been okay but yeah I mean it's definitely inevitable that at some point old wounds are gonna kind of come up and do you find that like this approach

Starting point is 00:54:52 is it a relatively new approach of almost leading by example with your father you know like you being the person i just find i wonder i find and i'm curious what you think that you know the the parent child relationship is very a very complicated one but i feel like as hard as it can be for children to reach their parents when it comes to frustrations that being the bigger not being in the bigger being in the bigger person or leading by example of, of, of how you would like them to act can really humble any one parent because not only because you're, I got to assume a lot of parents in that situation would notice and feel a sense of pride of how you're behaving in this situation. And that might cause them to be less defensive and less triggered and more open minded to you know having that humility um and and not fight back or be resistant to you know

Starting point is 00:55:55 criticism that that's coming from you has this approach change and and and subsequently have you have you noticed your dad be more receptive to these types of conversations than he was with you in the past? I think for me, it's different because I've been approaching it as a sense of this one thing doesn't have to be defining. And I think in the past, it was very much like, oh, why is my dad acting like this? Like, this is the only way that this situation is going to play out. And I mean, even the other day I was going through my phone to delete old stuff and I had old texts with him from during a fight of some sort. And I was reading them and I was like, oh, my God, I would just never handle this this

Starting point is 00:56:41 way anymore. And I don't think he would either. It was like from two years ago. Sure. So I think I've also, I mean, it's something you talk about in your book too, just gratitude, approaching things from that perspective. And I saw something that said, you know, if you have a parent that loves you, that's something to be so grateful for.

Starting point is 00:57:00 And I think I had never really simply thought about the fact that the consistent thing over the tumultuous, especially last two-ish years, has been he would always say, I love you. I want a relationship with you, even if everything else had gone to shit. And I know a lot of people have different opinions on these topics, and it's a very sensitive topic when it comes to relationships with parents. But yeah, I just think we have a lot of expectations and societal expectations of how we think our relationships with our parents should be. I think sometimes we almost have unrealistic expectations of what we think our parents should have provided us and given to us. you know, what we think our parents should have provided us and given to us. And especially it's easy also to compare our childhoods with other people's childhoods and things like that. That complicates it even more. But yeah, it's kind of like we only have one set of parents,

Starting point is 00:57:54 you know, I think obviously you could be adopted and maybe, you know, you could have step parents or you could have adopted parents and things like that. But yeah, it's a, it's just, it's far more complicated and nuanced when we get to be adults and we see our parents for who they are, which are just humans. And that can change our expectations of them and things like that.

Starting point is 00:58:13 And at the end of the day, yeah, it's nice to know that our parents want to love us and want us to feel loved, even though they often get it wrong. But that's a good place to start. It makes me sad to see a lot of people struggle with their relationships with their parents. And if there's anything that they can do to just try to mend those fences and try to just focus on the good,

Starting point is 00:58:35 just for me, I think that just goes a long way. And I think it can just avoid a lot of unnecessary pain and disappointment by being frustrated about what we didn't get and things like that. Because yeah, we live in a world where people can have far less than what we have, even if it doesn't seem fair relative to our peers and our circle and things like that. I think about how I felt even a year ago, six months ago, and I was 100% different place. I mean, I had to be really angry and I had to kind of think this isn't fair and why is my relationship with my dad

Starting point is 00:59:11 not like my friend's relationships with their dads? And I think I also started thinking about just the same way that there can be a track record for the amount of times that a situation wasn't handled correctly or it's times that I was disappointed or I can also start to think about, okay, but maybe there's a new track record starting. Maybe there could be another way. Cause I think also in our brains, we tend to think about all of the time patterns of negativity more than I think patterns of positivity. So I think I started to

Starting point is 00:59:46 try and challenge myself to think, okay, this could go one of two ways, but maybe most recently things have been going positively. What if I approach it from that angle? And I mean, that, that helps. And I, yeah, I think I really feel for anyone whose parental relationships are complicated. Yeah, I think that's nicely said. And I think it sounds like you have a really healthy approach. And yeah, we're just trying to make the most of things in our lives with what we have. And yeah, I think you're right. I think gratitude is a great place to start.

Starting point is 01:00:23 And when we start there um and to get it just can help with all of our relationships and just lead to some more positive outlook on things because cynicism only gets you so far um and being right yeah being right you know like being right doesn't really make people happy. And I think sometimes we put unnecessary value on being right or justified, especially when it comes to our interpersonal relationships. Well, I know I'm right in this situation and I don't want to back down

Starting point is 01:00:56 because I know I'm right and I know they're wrong and yada, yada, yada. And it's good, again, to enforce your boundaries and not have people disrespect you, but not necessarily for the sake of simply being right. And to your point, you can choose to have different outlooks and different approaches.

Starting point is 01:01:17 And like you said, you can reflect back. And it sounds like at times, maybe you and your dad were just fighting and it was the fight that perpetuated the fight because during the conversations of frustration, things were said and you both said things that hurt one another. And then you were responding to the things that were said rather than responding to the things that you were actually discussing in the first place.

Starting point is 01:01:37 And then you'd bring up old wounds and pile on. And those are very typical in any type of fight when it comes to people who want to feel love with one another, but feel hurt. And it's like, this is the person who's supposed to love me and they're not. So I want to get back at them. And it seems like you have a really positive outlook and a healthy approach. So I really commend you for doing that. And hopefully it's a good example for anyone else listening too. outlook and a healthy approach. So I really commend you for doing that. So, and hopefully it's a, it's a good example for anyone else listening to. I would not have thought that I would be able to have the type of relationship that I'm starting to build with my dad. I would

Starting point is 01:02:13 never have thought that before. So that helps anyone. And you know, he, you still, not that you need to like remind him of this, but he can still also be an example of what you don't want to be, you know? Yes. You can still love him and accept him for what he is, but still want for yourself not to, you know, behave in ways that he has chosen to behave or treat other people, et cetera, et cetera. And, you know, you can, and you can be grateful that he taught you that lesson, maybe not in the way you wanted to teach, but people have different ways of being a part of our lives. And it's never as perfect or as idealistic as we'd like to think and we hope. And everyone else's life is messy

Starting point is 01:02:53 and complicated as well. And yeah. So I'm glad that you have chosen this route for yourself and you seem a lot more content and a lot more happy and positive i mean it's been yeah it's been pretty good so fingers crossed yeah and also in control of of the situation which you know you kind of see it um and and hear it in your voice and and that that to me is a really good place to start with happiness is that feeling it you're like you're in control of your relationships and choices and it's you're not necessarily at the mercy of the outcome of a situation because as we know situations can you know they can take a turn and not play out the way we hope but you can still process and reflect and then adapt and try new approaches but again knowing that there is a

Starting point is 01:03:44 baseline of love and respect as imperfect as it is sometimes and maybe not in the way that we want, but it's still nice to appreciate that and know that there's that starting block there going forward. Definitely. Awesome.

Starting point is 01:03:58 Well, thank you for the update. We really appreciate it. Good luck with everything. Glad that you're in this great place. And yeah, just keep this mindset. I think it's going to serve you well going forward in all your relationships. Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. All right. Take care.

Starting point is 01:04:14 Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. I really love the parent stuff. And I see it more with younger generations too. I think there's a lot of contentment for for the relationships people have with their families and and again a lot of ways i think justifiably so but yeah i think our expectations of like just like as a society in terms of what people expect from marriages i feel like is a lot higher and like you know i feel like this is the generation of people

Starting point is 01:04:40 raised by the first generation where divorce was more normalized. And so it feels like just as like with our romantic relationships or marriages are having higher expectations, like that's also translating to these heightened expectations from parents. Sure. But I also like, you know, as someone who comes from a family of 11 kids,

Starting point is 01:04:56 I see the expectations that are different between some of my younger siblings and older siblings. And I find that interesting, if nothing else. And we, you know, it's so much of our outlook has to do with our expectations that we have of ourselves and of other people. And I think it's always good to just check in with what our expectations are and how realistic are they.

Starting point is 01:05:22 And are they rooted in like healthy thoughts? Are they rooted in fulfilling our egos and looking good relative to our peers? You know, I think those are kind of good exercises to think about. Yeah, totally. We also have an update from somebody who was actually called in to the most recent update episode, episode 533. She originally appeared on episode 516. Her name is Kate. And she was in the situation where her boss had this kind of like Casanova F boy brother who was very suave.

Starting point is 01:06:00 And she's very close to her boss. And her boss was like, yeah, shoot your shot. But then it was kind of turning into a situationship. then when she updated us didn't she go to a christmas party yeah she slept on the couch he called her while her boss was like putting the blankets out and then she started dating someone new so yeah so then she was like so then she kind of cut things off with the brother although he was still like maybe in the back corner but when she called to update us on 533 she'd just gone on a date and she was like, I don't know if it was a red flag. I think he drove drunk. All of that stuff.

Starting point is 01:06:27 Not laughing. It's not funny. Driving drunk is not funny. But it's funny that that's maybe not a clear red flag, but that's okay. So Kate wrote in and let us know. She said, so good to hear from you. With the new guy, I decided too many red flags, so passed

Starting point is 01:06:44 over there i really wish i had another first date coming up so i could try the kiss on the first date conversation but no luck yet i will 100 right in when i do thank you for checking in and that was when we were talking about how on first dates like when walking to the car she dreads yeah she dreads the first kiss guys kind of expect the first kiss and like, you know, and we said, and the suggestion was to just bring up. Slipping into conversation. Slipping into conversation. Like,

Starting point is 01:07:09 you know, I don't kiss on the first date or do you kiss on the first date? You know, let's talk about it. Yeah. So she hasn't done it yet. So she hasn't done it.

Starting point is 01:07:18 Well, she hasn't had a first date to try it yet. But she let that guy go. But the good news is. She's a free agent. Yeah. Do you buy?

Starting point is 01:07:25 She's definitely gonna fuck the boss's brother again. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. For sure. And please let us know when you do, Kate. We're reading for you. We will always be here for updates. Yeah, honestly, like, get that sex.

Starting point is 01:07:35 Yeah. Okay, another exciting update is, do you remember our caller, Anna, whose boyfriend was kind of controlling about what she wears? And you spoke to her. A lot of your advice and kind of what you were saying was, you know, with trust, it's something that doesn't have to do with other people.

Starting point is 01:07:51 It's something that's between us. So stop you, like, basically, because he kept using the excuse of like, oh, it's- I trust you, but. Yeah, the other men are going to sexualize you, et cetera. And so you, you know, kind of hashed it out with Anna. And she said,

Starting point is 01:08:03 hi, thank you so much for following up. Calling in was so meaningful to me. And listening to the episode today was incredibly surreal. My boyfriend and I FaceTimed last week to talk about his controlling behavior, and it went very well. He apologized for being controlling of my clothes, especially at the gym, and admitted that he has no place to have an opinion on what I wear to work out. We agree to disagree on our opinions of what's, quote, appropriate, end quote, to wear out socially, but accepted that we have differences

Starting point is 01:08:29 and that it's ultimately my decision to wear what makes me feel good and what I feel is a reflection of my character. An especially amazing part of our conversation was my boyfriend acknowledging and apologizing for the sexualization I've experienced as a woman. He said that he appreciates the fact that as a woman, I will be sexualized no matter what I wear

Starting point is 01:08:47 and it will be harder for me to dress without judgment and he doesn't want to be a part of that judgment. I know that he trusts me and it will take time for him to adjust to my style because it can be contrary to the culture of our community. Major breakthroughs were made by having this conversation with him and I'm so optimistic for the future.

Starting point is 01:09:04 I'm so grateful for you, All ali and nick for giving me the courage and the words to broach this conversation with my boyfriend i learned so much from this podcast and it was an honor to participate great success story like am i toxic for being like oh no more drama before them no you should want healthy communication. I do. It's good to know. It's good to know we're doing the Lord's work. Well, I feel like sometimes people will be like,

Starting point is 01:09:32 they always tell them to break up with them. And it is kind of a testament to your approach of being like, what do you hope to get out of this situation? Because for me, that's the kind of thing that rubbed me the wrong way that I would totally project and be like, you got to leave now. He's controlling and terrible. Yeah, we have to give people a chance to learn and mature and recognize their mistakes, especially young people, especially young men. There's a lot of bad role models out there. And so if people are willing to take account and learn and listen and apologize and work through issues, and I'm guessing Anna feels more connected and closer with her boyfriend now. We'll see if they can build on it, but when you work through issues,

Starting point is 01:10:11 it's definitely an opportunity to really feel more connected to your partner. There's very few better feelings in relationships to have that anxiety and angst about, I can't fucking talk about this. And this is really bothering me. And I don't know how they're going to respond. And if they respond poorly, I might going to fucking talk about this. And this is really bothering me. And I don't know how they're going to respond. And like, if they respond poorly, I might have to break up, you know, like all these things that we worry about in these big conversations. And to have a conversation, be productive and go well and feel like you kind of heard each other out and acknowledge each other's differences. And even like, and some areas respectfully agree to disagree, but like, like you know have mutual respect

Starting point is 01:10:46 those are just uplifting conversations to have in a relationship it's what's coming to mind is when i know i need to change my sheets because do you know when at the foot of your bed under the sheets how sometimes you'll like you'll be like oh i can feel like little like flecks of something like it just doesn't feel as clean because like probably from like feet like tracking stuff into your bed do you know and like and it's the kind of thing where it's like i'm like every time if i notice that i'm like that's disgusting i hate this i need to change the sheets right away but like it's not so pressing it's not like oh if you spill something or like god like i have bad day and like eat some food in bed then it's like next day we're changing the sheets etc it's like one of those things where you can just like it can nag and nag and nag and then when you just

Starting point is 01:11:27 like change the sheets after like three days it's like oh this is amazing does this resonate with anybody else just just dirty fitted woman over here less so like the flakes of what we're talking about but the sheets yeah what do you mean flakes are like the flecks of things at the bottom? Yeah, do you know when you can just feel, not like actual tangible pieces of dirt or anything, but do you know when you can just kind of feel that like... The grime on your sheets? You just mean like lint.

Starting point is 01:11:56 Yeah. Not foot skin. Not clean. Not clean. Not clean. Not clean. Not clean. It's like when you first start to realize you have to

Starting point is 01:12:06 address something that you're gonna have to do yes i think what you're trying to say is a potential messy procrastinating person which i relate to uh and i know you do too uh i've never said that before nick that's very hurtful i just think yeah you you could have things sit and put things off and then the thing you're putting off is never that challenging cleaning your car that's a better example cleaning your car you know it's not that hard and two minutes of effort can go a long way and every time you do it yes you're like what up why did i do this sooner yeah at a gas station just putting a quarter in the vacuum.

Starting point is 01:12:46 Yeah. But it's also the kind of thing where it's like, I don't realize that I need to clean my car until I'm frustrated and mad and embarrassed and someone's like, Derek is about to get my car. And I'm like, fuck you, garbage woman. And so I feel like it's with conversations like this that it only comes up when it's an issue. And then people are kind of-

Starting point is 01:13:02 Clean your relationships like cleaning your car. Yeah. Yeah. We live in fil car. Yeah. Yeah. We live in filth. Yes. We do. Filth develops naturally. We need to develop practices

Starting point is 01:13:13 to fight it. I'm glad we finally worked through that analogy. Yeah. There was a darkest hour. I was like, this accomplished nothing and everyone thinks

Starting point is 01:13:19 I'm really unhygienic. I was like, okay, cool, cool, cool. You could have just said I'm a messy slob without you know when you're using your top she does a napkin and then it starts to get all saucy i don't know what to say but i think she's messy someone should check on her welcome back kim hi how's it going? Good.

Starting point is 01:13:45 How are you, more importantly? I'm doing better. I'm doing better than the last time we talked. Yeah, for those of the people who don't remember, what episode was this? This was 463. This was a doozy. So correct me if I'm wrong, but you were having a work kind of situationship affair that was non-sexual but very emotionally intimate and only to find out that he was uh having sex with a different co-worker yeah yeah

Starting point is 01:14:16 that's exactly it um basically i kind of describe it as like an emotional relationship that we were in um and then after about a year of that i found out that he was dating the co-worker um at which point i kind of like blew up and like blocked him and you know yelled at him at work in front of everyone um and that's basically about when i called into you so that was like july 2021 or so let's uh let's play a quick clip from that episode to refresh people's memory of of how intense it was on that first date he kind of was like you know i'm seeing i'm sleeping with a woman um so at that point on your first date he's like i'm he told you he was sleeping with another woman yes flash forward a month later i find out it's the woman who sits next to him at work.

Starting point is 01:15:06 And she's, like, significantly older than us. He's my age. She's 10 years older. So the woman he sits next to, I was, like, horrified. Like, I was horrified. I'm so sorry. Just, like, so sad. Because, like, at this point, like, I knew I shouldn't have loved him.

Starting point is 01:15:21 But, like, I did. Like, we had spent, like, so much time together. Like, I thought he was my best friend like I told him everything about me and like to find out it was someone like there was just this massive secret at work like everyone knew he he told people not to tell me like I was at work the other day and like he's still trying to talk to me and like I snapped I fucking snapped on him and I was like you're a fucking liar you're a fucking coward like is this at work like two yeah we're not in front of anyone are we worried about like where's hr uh you know hr my company's not really a thing i know that's super weird to say but it's just like a super like it's a small company we don't

Starting point is 01:16:01 have it don't worry yeah so anyway so i called her ass up and i was like look i just need to tell you like your boyfriend's been saying like all this shit to me and like i feel i felt awful like she had no fucking idea like she had no idea and like at this point like i've told him like leave me alone like please don't talk to me like i don't want anything to do with the situation anymore like i told her and I felt like she deserved to know. He went around and told everyone that I was crazy and that we were only ever just friends and that I made this up.

Starting point is 01:16:34 You felt embarrassed, right? They just put it out there and you had every right to feel embarrassed. This guy totally fucked you over. It's like when you get cheated on. You essentially got cheated on. You feel embarrassed, but you have to really remind yourself that these were his choices. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Starting point is 01:16:52 He should feel embarrassed. She shouldn't even feel embarrassed. She might feel embarrassed, but like of the three of you, you're the most fine. You're not, it's not your relationship. You don't have to like go maybe do couples counseling, et cetera, et cetera. You have now the clarity that you like unfortunately wasted some time. You can grieve the sadness of the companionship that you lost because you liked having this companionship so that you can grieve and get over. People are embarrassed for them, not you. I promise you. All right. So what did I, in that call, what did I tell you to

Starting point is 01:17:26 do? So basically, well, you kind of told me to keep my head up, not to be embarrassed, that I should be more embarrassed for them. Yeah. Yeah. Just to, you know, that was basically it. We kind of talked a lot about like how I didn't actually really love him. Yeah. That about sums it up. And where are you now? Like how, like was that helpful? Like what was your, after you got off the phone,

Starting point is 01:17:52 like what was your kind of perspective the next couple of days and, and where did, what direction did you go from there? Yeah. So the next couple of days I felt really good. Like in the first couple of days after like your conversation, thank you so much, by the way. I was, you know, it helped me get through a lot, like, especially, like, I had a lot of dark times after that.

Starting point is 01:18:11 So I, like, would, honestly, I played that recording, like, so many times. Yeah, so anyways, but the days after that were okay. And then, you know, I stayed at that job for another two months or so but it got really really difficult like I I would cry almost every day um you know I had to continue seeing her I had to continue working with her um which was difficult like she would give me dirty looks like understandably so um you know um and then him he basically uh cut off all i cut off communication with him but like he wouldn't even communicate with me in the work in the work sense like we started doing our work like through other people communicating that route like he wouldn't look me in the eye

Starting point is 01:18:59 also kind of understandable like i had called him a coward like i had called him you know pretty awful thing yeah but also probably fucked with you a little bit yeah it definitely um yeah so it got to the point where I like doubted almost every relationship I was in you know like he had told me that he had loved me and I believed that and after that like I just lost like total confidence in what, what people actually thought about me. It got really dark. Like, so I wound up quitting that job. Like after two months, I just like could not handle it anymore. Yeah. So I quit without a plan. Um, I like kind of realized like I was in the wrong movie. Like I was in the wrong movie. Like I was in this weird, like high school environment and I just couldn't do it. So I quit. I, um, originally went home

Starting point is 01:19:51 to my family, like for only like a few weeks. And I realized that wasn't going to work either. So I came back down to where I currently live. Um, got a job at a sports bar. currently live um got a job at a sports bar i started teaching pilates yeah i i just yeah i did a full 180 i just uh i couldn't do it anymore like it was just it was awful like it was where are we still working at the sports bar and doing pilates yeah yeah still doing that and that's been a lot more fun um like i meet a lot of people there which is great for me like to talk to people but yeah i got you know i still have dark days like i still uh really miss him um a lot well you just have to remind yourself it's not so much him that you miss you just missed the connection that you had with him and you did have a connection you had something you know like you miss the moments

Starting point is 01:20:44 that you were looking forward to you know when you miss the moments that you were looking forward to you know when you were going to work and when this was feeling positive and good it was probably fun to see him and it was fun to flirt with him and that's what you miss not him yeah yeah exactly you just got to really be mindful of that you know when you still feel you know his it might be his face you see when you're like reminiscing about those moments because that's who you felt it with in terms of like your what were you doing for your career like is that i i you know as far as you you know quitting you did what you had to do right and i it's, uh, it's good for people to hear because you had to figure out how to survive and you did it and you, you know, moved home and you came back

Starting point is 01:21:31 and it's something you had to figure out. But I feel like there's a good chance this will all make you stronger. I would want to encourage you, like whatever it is you were doing for your job, whatever aspects of that job that you liked, you know, to not be afraid to, to still, you know, I don't want you to give that up if that, if there's elements of that job that you enjoyed, but maybe, maybe you don't give it up. Like, I don't know, maybe, maybe you're like, that was kind of like part of like what I started to realize. Like another thing you had told me was reevaluate this relationship. And I think I ultimately realized like, I, he was like my escape from work. I didn't actually like what I was doing. Like I was in, I was like a mix of finance

Starting point is 01:22:10 and accounting. And I think that he was kind of like the one thing I had to look forward to at work and I didn't actually like my job at all. So like when that blew up, like I started going to work every day and I hated it. Like I hated sitting behind a desk. Like I hated that lifestyle. And so honestly, I'm grateful for that. Like that, despite everything, you know, I did realize like I was, I was in a career I hated. So yeah, I mean, now I work at a sports bar. So it was like finance and accounting to a sports bar.

Starting point is 01:22:38 It's been a 180. I have like learned so much. The Pilates thing too. And like, yeah, I mean, and then what are things or aspects of your job that you feel like you're good at or were good at? I mean, I'm really good with numbers. Like I am good with like math and stuff, but I don't necessarily like that.

Starting point is 01:22:56 Like I was good at it. But you can be good with, like I was good with numbers and I was an accounting major, but like you can be good with numbers and have that serve you well in other aspects. And and but like all i'm saying is maybe give some thought to you know while you're in this stage i saw this uh interesting thing of his uh professor scott galloway is an nyu professor and he was talking about like a lot of people tell you to follow your passions but

Starting point is 01:23:20 that's kind of not true it's like people need need to figure out what they're really good at. And again, you can be good at a lot of different things and what you're good at, just because you're good at numbers doesn't mean you should be a math teacher or an accountant. But find the type of profession that you think you can thrive and that you like

Starting point is 01:23:37 and then become an expert in that and being good at what you do will help you have passions for that and you can kind of carve out the type of job that you want within those things that you're good at what you do will help you have passions for that. And you can kind of carve out the type of job that you want within those things that you're good at. And you'll get a sense of purpose and you'll feel good about it. So maybe that is Pilates or whatever. Maybe you are good at coaching up people or getting people to feel good about their fitness

Starting point is 01:23:59 or whatever it is. I would be mindful of the things that you do that you think that come naturally to you that you enjoy doing that like you feel like you're utilizing various strengths and maybe think a lot about like all the things you're good at and i'm sure there's a long long list minus just numbers you know talking with people making you know maybe it's empathizing with me but it's listening with people maybe it's certain creative aspects you know i truly never thought i would i wasn't ever sitting down and be like,

Starting point is 01:24:25 you know what I'm good at is podcasting. You know, but I was like, I think I'm good at like articulating a thought and I think I like talking ideas and I think I like

Starting point is 01:24:34 interpersonal relationships and relationships and that kind of, kind of turned into what I'm doing now. Yeah. But like this kind of, but it might be a nice

Starting point is 01:24:42 like phasing your life where you can kind of reevaluate your passions and what you're good at and what you're interested in and start pursuing you know things in that direction that is kind of exactly what i'm doing like i'm basically taking this year doing the bodies waitressing and just kind of figuring out what i do actually like like what i want to do i've kind of um just trying to I've tried to have fun again like the waitressing thing like it is fun like I get to like work at a bar and like meet new people and so I really just tried to have fun again because I felt like you know everything that happened was just so like dark

Starting point is 01:25:17 and messy and you know it really did like I wish it didn't like I wish I was able to walk into work every day with my my head high but it really did take take a big toll't. I wish I was able to walk into work every day with my head high, but it really did take a big toll on me. I hear you. I remember my first job. I was an accountant. I was an auditor, and I was going through a breakup. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do,

Starting point is 01:25:38 and I had to take some risks and mix things up. I think that's okay to do. Enjoy what you're doing bartending pilates that's great and if that's ultimately like what you want to set your goal on great but like you can do what you're doing now and enjoy it and i still you know just every once in a while check in with yourself and and think of the future you know like what do i want for myself what is this helping me reach any particular goals that I have? Whatever those goals might be, you know?

Starting point is 01:26:08 And so maybe if it's Pilates, maybe you're investing more in, you know, certain type of classes or certifications or you're, you know, gaining more expertise in that. And then even from a bartending standpoint, like, what am I getting out of it other than making money? Like, you know, you're meeting new people or whatever. You know, bartending and waiting tables is a great networking tool, but you might meet some really cool people that like,

Starting point is 01:26:28 don't be afraid to, you know, let people get to know you while you're bartending and share some interests and passions that you have. Cause you know, it might be the right person who's like, Hey, well, if you're interested in this, I know a guy who's doing this, or I know someone who can help you out with that, you know? Yeah, I agree. I agree. Like definitely it is a great networking tool and even that like you know i've i've met guys there that like i've gone on dates with and stuff you know i'm still i'm still trying like i haven't i haven't like given up on that front you know sometimes how old are you again i'm 27 yeah i think you're thriving yeah i, I feel like, you know, I do see all my friends getting engaged and stuff, though.

Starting point is 01:27:07 And, you know, it does make it hard. Like, I feel like everyone kind of has a partner. And there's just me. Like, I'm always like the fifth wheel, you know? I know. But I just really think you're going to be fine. And I think this shake-up that you're doing could be really good for you and just kind of stay on that path.

Starting point is 01:27:30 Yeah, for sure. Yeah, the whole thing was crazy, though, from beginning to end. And then so I also did wind up writing him an email last year, end of 2022, and he never responded to it like i kind of never thought he would um that's good that's fine probably better that he didn't yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean at the end of the day like i was just so wrong about him like i think that's what bothers me is like i felt like i couldn't even trust my own intuition anymore. Yeah. You just kind of got sucked into it.

Starting point is 01:28:12 And I think you were more likely just kind of ignoring your intuition rather than not trusting it. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I'm sure if you've been listening to other episodes and talking about confusion and prioritizing clarity and things like that. And I think going forward, if you're having any fears and doubts about trusting yourself, just, you know, think about how much clarity you have or how much confusion you have about any situation you're in. Because if my memory serves me, like while you really enjoyed a lot of the things you were doing, you're often always constantly confused about where things were going with him or what was going on or- Yeah, 1,000%. Yeah, I was so confused.

Starting point is 01:28:46 He was talking about, yeah, he was dating someone else and you didn't really know where you stood. And like, you just kind of, you were focused on being understanding and focusing about being supportive. But like, first focus on whether you understand the situation and it's clear to you if it makes sense to you. If you do that, I think you will really protect yourself.

Starting point is 01:29:04 And that way you can second guess your intuition a lot less. Because I don't think there's anything wrong with your intuition. I think you just need to maybe be willing to listen to it a little bit better. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. Yeah, I did kind of always like know deep down, like something was off at least, you know. And just forgive yourself for like, you know, for any negative thoughts about I should have known better, I can't trust myself or anything like that. Just try to not do that and just acknowledge that I'm gonna be stronger for this

Starting point is 01:29:35 and it has opened up the door for you to be more adventurous and try new things. You could have just as easily still been hanging out with him and he could have been kind of numbing you to the reality that you don't really like what you do and you didn't want to be doing this for the rest of your life but like oh you got to work with the guy you were dating so it kept you it made you mask the disappointment you had in your career and now you're just kind

Starting point is 01:30:00 of this free agent you're exploratory about what you want to do and you're trying new things and that's exciting. And most people in their mid to late 20s don't do that because it's like, oh, well, you know, I have this serious relationship and I got to start planning our life together. And now is not the time for any drastic changes or me switching careers or things like that. And that's a gift. He gave you that gift. And so just try to have a positive mindset about your

Starting point is 01:30:25 situation rather than beating yourself up and being like, well, I just can't believe I'm 27 and at this stage in my life. There's a lot of people listening right now who are very envious of you and the freedom and the bravery in which you chose to mix it up and try something new and not keep doing the same thing that you deep down know you don't enjoy. But like, you're just like, dude, can I really change it? Is it really worth it? You know, et cetera, et cetera. And a lot of people feel stuck that way.

Starting point is 01:30:55 So be grateful for that and be excited about that and see that from a more of a sense of optimism and excitement. And then I think that'll help your energy. When you go out on date, you'll be that kind of excited, adventurous, anything, you're open to anything. People love that kind of optimism

Starting point is 01:31:13 when they go on dates, you know? And you'll be more of, you know, feel less victimized and more empowered. And I think that'll help you as well. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, yeah. I have been trying to be more grateful for it and I've definitely been trying to like throw myself less of a pity party.

Starting point is 01:31:31 Sometimes it's hard though. Like sometimes I just want to sit in my bed. Yeah. But I bet you've done that. I think it's time for you to power through. And if you haven't gotten, are you, have you gotten therapy on it?

Starting point is 01:31:42 Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So safe therapy is a time for, you know, if you need to kind of go back there, but like with friends and yourself, I would challenge yourself at this point to try to resist those moments of getting in your feelings and missing him and wishing you were in a different place. Oh, 1000%. Like with friends, I really don't talk about it anymore like I just try to

Starting point is 01:32:05 not pretend like it didn't happen like I you know but but I do try to bring it up a lot less you know I've still been trying to go on dates and stuff I do listen to a lot of your update episodes and I always like I'm always kind of amazed like I feel like a lot of the girls call back and they're like oh I have like a boyfriend like again you know or like i have a new boyfriend i'm like that's like not the case for me and that's okay and i'm glad that those people found boyfriends but like that doesn't necessarily mean that like they found their forever person we don't really know you know and so again let try not to compare yourself with anyone else i think the more content you become with yourself and where you're at, the more open and ready you're going to seem to other people. And I think people can sense

Starting point is 01:32:52 certain types of energy. And I think just keep you focusing on you and find ways to be grateful for where you're at in your life and see the positive aspects of your choices rather than focus on the things that didn't go your way or how you're not at the same place as some of your friends, et cetera, et cetera. And I think the more content you become with yourself, like I said, I think that energy will be very obvious to the other people and will be a very attractive quality. Yeah. It's definitely a journey getting there. That's for sure. Like it definitely, it's taken like, like I am so much better than I was. I'll give myself that.

Starting point is 01:33:30 But yeah, it's definitely a journey to like get back that like, yeah, that energy of just being confident and content with who I am. You know, it's work. Yeah, it is. And try to enjoy it too. But I promise you'll get to a place where you'll be very appreciative

Starting point is 01:33:46 of this time in your life yeah i think so too and yeah again like i like appreciate you so much like one of like the things that got me through really is like listening every monday like to ask nick and like i loved like i have your book like literally right on my nightstand next to me um but yeah thank you you have got me through through a lot already. Well, I appreciate you saying that and just keep your head up. And, uh, I think exciting times are ahead for you, but you just have to continue to be patient. Yeah. That's always been my weakness. And, and try to, even though the big picture might not be happening for you right now, don't be afraid to appreciate the small victories or the fun moments and just

Starting point is 01:34:28 be open to having different types of fun moments that maybe you've pictured for yourself. Yeah. All right. Yeah. So true. Thank you so much. All right.

Starting point is 01:34:39 Well, take care. All right. Thanks for the update. All right. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Bye. Bye.

Starting point is 01:34:48 Do you remember the woman who was cheated on and then potentially was interested in pursuing the woman that her ex was thinking about cheating with?

Starting point is 01:34:57 Yeah. And they communicated back and forth and saw like basically the woman didn't know that she was

Starting point is 01:35:04 yeah. There's too many people in this equation. You could do a better job of explaining that i know it's real simple we have the caller x almost other woman you guys are complicated our caller called in a lesbian woman had a girlfriend whose fiance cheated on her and she took her back and And Lynn found out that she suspected her, her fiance girlfriend might've been cheating again. And so she stalked her email and found out that she was using her laptop. Whatever. At this point,

Starting point is 01:35:37 she had already been cheated on. We give those people, I guess a pass. Like if you're willing to forgive a cheater and work through issues, like if God forbid, you might have to, I think at that point you have to like forgive a cheater and work through issues, like if God forbid, you might have to, I think at that point you have to like agree that like emails and in your phones are kind of,

Starting point is 01:35:50 it's an open, it's an open book. You can check an arsonist's cabinet for matches. Yeah. Right. I don't think, I don't think, I don't think that's,

Starting point is 01:35:58 that's a different playing field. Yeah. Um, she found emails, she found emails, girlfriend and another woman who she matched with on a dating app and had not met that person yet. But booked flights.

Starting point is 01:36:09 But booked flights. So she reached out to the person to say, hey, what's going on? And this other woman was like kind of mortified, not realizing that she had matched with someone who was in a relationship. So she ended that. But those two people formed some sort of connection.

Starting point is 01:36:26 And she wasn't sure if she should pursue that connection. And we kind of said, well, kind of go for it. It wasn't like she had cheated on her. The cheating act didn't happen, A. And B, she didn't know about it. She just kind of happened to be this random person who, a very unique kind of meet cute way uh got connected with her and you know we suggested that she see where it goes but i take it slow a big part of your advice was asking her like is any part of this revenge because it would be the most

Starting point is 01:36:58 natural human thing in the world to be like fuck you you betrayed my trust after i worked so hard to like give you benefit of the doubt and to give you more opportunities you betrayed my trust after i worked so hard to like give you benefit of the doubt and to give you more opportunities like i'm going to i'm gonna fuck your bitch but sorry your words not mine i'm so sorry lesbians say no i'm gonna fuck your i mean i'm sure some lesbians do i can't speak for the lesbian community um they definitely definitely not a an in-group language but as a bisexual woman though you've never said that i never said i'm gonna fuck your bitch actually i think i have but i've probably only said it about cis men should we like make bumper stickers or something

Starting point is 01:37:40 you guys want a t-shirt that says I'm gonna fuck your bitch I'm gonna fuck your bitch let us know anyway what happened what's the update she writes I'm doing quite well thank you for checking in I did end up reaching out to the other girl about a week ago and things have actually been going really great based on texting and

Starting point is 01:38:00 some phone calls I do sense a meetup in our future thank you guys again for having me and for your advice, thoughts, and care. My therapist offered a lot of the same sentiments that you guys did. I can certainly let you guys know

Starting point is 01:38:10 if and when we do meet up and how this meeting goes. Love the show and I always appreciate hearing yours and Allie's commentary and points of view in addition to Nick's. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 01:38:20 So I was like, that is leave out Amanda. I appreciate only Allie inside just particularly alleys uh great well if she does go on a date we want her to call in we do yeah oh you know you know we want them both on oh my god that's a dream that'd be good jenny if you're listening also this is from episode 537 if you want to go back and re-listen, it's a great one. A lot of other really awesome callers. And we're hoping to get you a follow-up.

Starting point is 01:38:50 So she's still, she's still, they're still chatting. Yeah. And it's nice to hear that it's, from the update, it kind of implies that they're, like, texting, doing some phone calls. Like, it doesn't seem like they're, like, fully obsessed with each other, talking all the time, FaceTiming all day. But like they're like building stuff. Just connecting.

Starting point is 01:39:09 They're connecting. Seeing how it goes. They found love in a hopeless place. Amen. All right. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in those questions at AskNick at TheVileFiles.com. We are back next week on Monday for another amazing Ask Nick episode. Arden Miriam is with us to help us break down The Bachelor.

Starting point is 01:39:29 And Lala Kent joins us on Going Deeper on Thursday. We'll see you on Monday.

The Viall Files - E546 Ask Nick Updates Special Episode - Part 5

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