The Viall Files - E547 Ask Nick - My Best Friends Won’t Stop F*cking

Episode Date: February 27, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we feedback we got on a previous Ask Nick episode, and get our weekly Breakup Song of the Week submission. Our first caller has two friends that can’t stop hooking up, and is worried that they’ll end up heartbroken or awkward at her upcoming wedding. Our next caller is having a sex stand off with her husband, and wishes he would put more effort into initiating intimacy or “wooing” her. We discuss how she can lead by example and open up these vulnerable conversations with him. Our final caller is wondering if she should blow up her life to move out of her family’s house. After moving home following a break up and putting all of her savings into retirement funds, should she risk it all for independence? “I don’t love that you’re considering taking a risk in a time of crisis.”  If you are interested in running a book club in your city, send an email to: [e-mail]   Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - The Viall Files is brought to you by BetterHelp. Discover your potential with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Rakuten - Start all of your shopping at Rakuten - your Cash Back adds up! Cash back rates change daily. See https://www.Rakuten.com  for details or download the Rakuten App today.  Alo Moves - For a limited time, Alo Moves is offering our listeners a free 30-day trial PLUS 50% off an annual membership. But you can only get it by going to http://www.ALOMOVES.com and use code VIALL in all caps.  Babbel - Right now, get up to 55% off your subscription when you go to https://www.BABBEL.com/viall. Babbel—Language for life. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vol files ask Nick edition I'm your host Nick joined by All by Allie, Amanda, and Darique. Darique. Ooh, Darique. I just don't know what to say. Now I understand the pressure when Allie and Amanda get switched to. Yeah, ladies, how are you? Awful question. Ladies, how are you? You never know how to answer.

How are you? My issue is I tend to answer that question pretty honestly. Like not even like there's something bad happening, but just like when people ask me how I am, I think they a lot of time they expect like a fine, whatever, good. And like if it's someone who's like doing a job and is busy. You search your soul when I ask you that question. But when people I like really am like, how am I like checking with myself? Have you been hearing the like hello Teffy uh audio of like i need to wash

my hair but i can't wash my hair now because i have a workout later and then i have i don't want to mess it up tomorrow it's like and i don't want to blow dry it because blah blah blah and it's like how hard it is to be a girl i'm not familiar with it but i i'm going through that equation of planning my summer because i have some fun events that I need like wardrobe for and I'm like okay but I want to get this for Vegas but the shoes I wear to Vegas is what I want to wear to Taylor Swift but the shoes for Taylor Swift have to then go with this which is the outfit I'll repeat from Vegas when I see this concert in August well so you can't wear the shoes twice or no I will but so I have one outfit for Vegas yeah with shoes. Those shoes are going to transfer to Taylor in June with a different outfit.

Then I'm going to repeat the Vegas outfit to Taylor in August. But then it's like, do I just rewear the shoes? Do I add a jacket? It's a that's what I've just been shopping for the summer. You're stressed about you're shopping for the summer. Yeah. All right. Great.

Well, have you shot? Have you bought your set? No, they're just sitting. Screenshots are just sitting on my computer waiting for me to pull the trigger. The outfits are in your shopping cart, basically. Yeah. How often do you buy something that you don't do the first time? You know what I mean? Like when you when you like get close, like when you kind of edge yourself and you're like in shopping cart, maybe even go as far as to put in your address to figure out shipping costs and then if you're like oh no i should wait like do you then go back and buy that thing a lot of the time or is it like if i don't buy it the first

time i'm never gonna buy it 50 50 i always hem and haw i'm at a point in my life where you get it you're rich i just buy it there's a lot of things i regret buying yeah that suit the really expensive suit that you wore once i seriously regret that yeah but if you got one more good wear out of it do you want to come to my murder mystery party you could wear it there tell what is this murder mystery party yeah you've been talking about it a lot and nobody in the office is invited well i wasn't sure if it'd be your vibe i these started in college i hosted multiple of these in college i also would host weekly potlucks in college. I love a good event. I would assign everyone.

You're the coolest nerd I've ever met. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. There's always a lot of wine. Do you come up with a murder mystery? So the one I'm planning right now, I got a whole kit for Christmas. I'm starting with that.

But the ones I did in college, I would have to do online research and found free ones. But you always have to make sure you have the right amount of people and you know who has to be who based on the crime how many people participate in this murder mystery in college we probably had is it fun between like seven or ten i think right now we're at a group of seven is there action in it or like how like the one i'm planning right now i have to like stage the crime i'm gonna stage it in a different room so then everyone can like see the crime gotcha and then how long does a murder mystery take place a few hours a few hours so this one specifically is laid out like is it

like a game of clue yeah like everyone has their own persona you interview each other you ask questions like glass onion like where there's like a crime and it's like kind of a bottle episode so everyone's like stuck and they're in the same time sometime this year uh-huh you can use my house for a murder mystery no way really yeah this is very exciting okay great i'll circle back this show is brought to you by better help we love the therapy on this show we talk about it almost every episode because it works and it's important and it's important to take care of our mental health and it's important to invest in that

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Allie's glowing. We talked about a mom wanting to buy a house for her daughter. Her daughter called in because her boyfriend was very against the idea the couple dating for what seven years yeah seven years not engaged or anything but clearly pretty serious um and the boyfriend was really really against the mom buying the house there was a lot of pushback there was pushback yes what was it my advice to sum up some version of why is your boyfriend's insecurity stopping you from receiving generosity from your mom? Yes. It's not so much like you're wrong.

People have a problem with that? People have different details that they emphasize. So one person said, I see the boyfriend's point in having the mom pay for their house. It robs him of his sense of accomplishment of doing it on his own versus receiving a handout. It won't mean as much to him, and he probably feels he will always feel indebted to her since she bought them a house. If anything ever goes wrong

between the mom and future son-in-law, he may feel she could use that against him. Another person said, the mom will have too much financial control and too much control in their lives in general if she buys her a home. Now, all of a sudden, she's the one who decides what type of house to buy where to buy it hell probably how to decorate

it is this going to be something she holds over her daughter head i don't blame her boyfriend for being wary of these people are projecting i mean these are all like valid questions or or points if like if that was the case we don't know how this mom is gonna act we don't know yeah exactly we don't know if she's some going to act once she pays for the house. Yeah, exactly. We don't know if she's some sort of helicopter mom. And we can't assume that just because she wants to generously gift her daughter

a house with cash, remember, like she was able to pay cash for this house. And my understanding is that she was signing over this house to her daughter as a wedding present if they got married. And other than him feeling emasculated is the first uh comment that's essentially what they're saying it's like you rob him from the sense of accomplishment they're suggesting that he would be emasculated i think

it's self-sufficiency it's this idea of like you have this goal that you want to set out and accomplish for yourself and having someone like swoop in and kind of like finish that last bit for you kind of delegitimizes it and also so it's like that self-sufficiency both in the sense of like feeling proud of yourself and achieving goals but then also in terms of like how does this person now have control over you i think is like the pushback well you don't let them have control i mean sure if if she was like hey my mom wants to buy me a house there's all these strings attached in terms of like she's gonna own it and honestly she's a little bit of an overbearing mother who doesn't

really understand boundaries and inserts herself like clearly that that's a problem but we were talking about a gift i i i do think that's a sense of like toxic masculinity if if if you are so inflexible or if you're so fragile that a gift from a a willing parent who has the means is a non-starter with no string. I mean, the assumption was there were no strings attached. She made that pretty clear in the call. Like, so if you're listening to this call and you're having a hard time pushing back with mom and dad or disagreeing with mom and dad and saying, hey, mom and dad, I love you,

but like, please don't speak to me this way. Or, hey, mom and dad, like, thanks for but like, please don't speak to me this way. Or Hey mom and dad, like, thanks for your input. I appreciate it. I'm not, I'm going to do the opposite. I hope you still love me. I still love you. But like, I just disagree respectfully. You know, if you have a problem doing that, then I can understand why this story could be triggering for you. And you might think of all the strings that might be attached with this house but again like or for you it just might not be worth it like for you i think for everybody it's probably a different calculation where for some people it's like not

fucking worth it if i have to do even like the little bit of paperwork i might have to do with my mom like if she's the landlord and there's like repairs involved like whatever that is like it would be a nightmare i know for a fact this would stress everyone out like it's not worth it versus for other people. They have a relationship with their parents where it's like they can very much envision a version of not. I think we had a caller a while back and it had to do with I think it was a couple. I think it was an mediation and had to do with like mom was a landlord or something. was a landlord or something i don't remember the details but in that story i believe the parent was kind of overbearing and very much like controlling and leverage the house as a as a means to control like yeah well if that's the story then that's a whole different scenario

yeah but but those details weren't included those details weren't included in the call and the call are made very clear that the mom like had the means and wanted to do something nice for her daughter and she didn't get any sense of like oh my mom is a little this and a little that i feel like she could use this against us in the future none of that you know and so again let's be careful not to project our own feelings in our relationships with our the people uh like that's how that's how we give bad advice you know as to insert our own life into the advice that we give i do also think though to the point of we give bad advice when we insert ourselves i think it's a little bit more confusing because we also give fucking fantastic advice sometimes when we insert ourselves.

I mean, when I say insert ourselves to like bring in our own personal drama and our own issues and our own insecurities and our own baggage. And then so we get a question from someone dealing with some like, let's say, parent shit. And we aren't getting along with our parents. Completely different scenario, story, whatever. But either way and we aren't getting along with our parents completely different scenarios story whatever but either way we're not getting along with our parents and then we give people advice based off the like what we would like our parents to do or what we think we should do or what we think we have or what we wish we would have the strength to do with our own situation but we don't so we tell people to do something else and we're just projecting that onto them like i, no, I don't think anyone ever gives good advice in that situation. I think people can give good advice when they're

removed from a situation and not personally invested. And they can see the story from like 30,000 feet without any kind of like a personal attachment or being triggered by that story and, you know, relate too closely to it. You know, If it's something that happened to them, hey, five years ago, where they've experienced the pains, the ups and downs, they've processed, they've worked through it, they see that situation very differently than they did in the moment in which they were dealing with, then I think that person can offer some pretty solid and sound advice. Empathizing is being like, hey, it's it's tough to go it i under like but that's really parents if someone's like i'm sorry i feel bad for you and if someone's

like oh my god like i my relationship with my mom is like i don't mean like they're simply just saying oh yeah i'm sorry you're going through this yeah they could say yeah relate parents are difficult and i've struggled too with my relations with my parents and it's really hard and i know what you're going through and it must be difficult and like it's okay to feel really down it's okay to feel scared it's okay to feel worried it's okay to feel confused that's empathizing but when you start when you go when you take another step and start inserting yourself and giving them advice based off of your situation that's projecting and projecting and empathizing are two different things yeah i think maybe like the should statement is the big thing of like it's

i think it's great to like empathize with someone and like be all in on like listening to them but it's when you get to the like well you should because i relate to you so much on this and i made you feel so understood if i had a should statement in there like you're probably going to believe me or listen to me and that's when it might get a little bit like murkier I think we're saying largely the same thing I mean listen it's all tough I mean but like I think that's the things we should we need to try to hold ourselves accountable to because you know misery loves company too and so when we hear someone struggling like also we want to empathize but like yeah it's our opportunity to be like what's happening to me too and you know a lot of times people go through shit and then they

make every situation about them oh my god me too let me talk about my problems like anyway i i love the feedback though it's a i love the discourse i love that we uh we get to break it down i still think my advice was sound there we are um, we have a breakup song of the week. This is one that's been submitted multiple times by multiple people. So I'm giving it It's Time in the Sun. It's Nothing Compares to You by Sinead O'Connor. Also, the better version of that song is Chris Cornell. Yes, Chris Cornell.

His version of Nothing Compa compares to you is incredible okay so we have multiple artists uh shenade shenade o'connor i really it's like really throwing me like off like the i don't know why the way she spells it it's just it's shenade shenade thank you to all the wonderful people who submitted this um one we'll put both versions on the playlist okay okay sounds good and the lyrics that one person wrote were it's been seven hours and 15 days since you took your love away i go out every night and sleep all day since you took your love away since you've been gone i can do whatever i want i can see whoever i choose i can eat my dinner at a fancy restaurant but nothing I said

nothing can take away these blues because nothing compares to you nothing compares to you it's been so lonely without you here like a bird without a song nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling tell me baby where did I go wrong I put my arms around every boy I see but they'd only remind me of you so So there it is. That's a song that I think you can only listen to within the first week of a breakup, and then it's time to move on. Because that's definitely a self-pity song.

It's a great song. But if you want to feel sorry for yourself and being your feels, that is... Because sometimes I think you need to yearn a little bit for the person at the beginning. Sure. Yeah. At the beginning. Totally. Like get your yearn on. Go get your sad on. Just get sad. Feel sorry for yourself. Think traumatic things about like the way that you're never going to talk to their parents again. I have found it so challenging to sign up for workout classes when I know my schedule can

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That is babbel, B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash V-I-A-L-L for up to 55% off your subscription. Babbel, language for life. We have a great episode lined up for you. Before we get to that, a couple housekeeping notes. Don't forget another episode of Better Date Than Never this Thursday, 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific. The reviews are in. People love the show. It's super fun.

If you haven't checked it out yet, you are definitely missing out. It is a great, fun community all about dating, and we're talking a lot of sex on dating. We're talking a lot of conversations that people should or who aren't having. We're getting into the weeds of dating, and it's just a ton of fun,

so I hope you guys check it out if you haven't already. This week week we have Artem Mirren, comedian and Bachelor superfan helping us break down the next episode of The Bachelor. We also have the one, the only,

Lala Kent from Vanderpump Rules with us. That should be juice. Yeah, new season. A lot of Vanderpump tea online. We'll get into all that. So really, just covering all the reality TV people

lately. If you haven't checked out Francesca Farago from The Perfect Match, if you're watching that, that was last week on Going Deeper. Great episode. Also, we have a new update episode that dropped last Friday. Go check that out for all the people who love your updates and really great updates as well. And we are excited

to announce Vile Files Plus premium content where you can check out more and more updates. We're bringing you all the updates you can handle. I know we're going to keep doing them once a month on the Vile Files regular feed plus if you haven't been able to check out Better Date Than Never because you're working or you know you just don't have time to check it out live all the episodes of Better Date Than Never will be on there we'll have all the old episodes we have

some great we have an amazing notebook recap of the notebook we have my interviews with all the women from my season on there and we'll be bringing more and more recaps, premium content. It's going to be amazing, so check it out. All the pop

culture topics we don't get to during the week. We're really excited to bring you Vile Files Plus, so be sure to check it out. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going it going hey my name is lisa i am 23 years old and my two best friends cannot stop fucking each other and i think um one of them's gonna break the other's heart okay uh who's uh who's fucking who who's fucking who? Who's fucking who? Tell me the story. How did it happen? It is one of my college best friends and my fiance's godbrother.

One of your college best friends and your fiance's godbrother. What's a godbrother? What is a godbrother? Basically, well, I guess technically his parents were his godparents. Okay. And then it was like if something ever happened to his parents. Yeah, okay. All right parents were his godparents. Okay. And then it was like if something ever happened to his parents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

All right. So his godparents' son. Your fiance's godparents' son. Okay. So let's call him. It's a friend. It's a friend. Or cousin or whatever the fuck.

Yeah. Yeah. And then your friend, your like homie. And so like they're basically like in a situationship. Yes. Okay. She likes him. Yes.

She likes him. And it seems like he likes her, but doesn't want to commit. Basically. He's just being kind of a fuck boy. How old is he? How old is she? He is 26 and she is 24. And have you talked with both of them about this situation? Like, what do you know? How much do you know and how much you don't know okay so i really so one thing that my fiance and i have tried to do is stay out of it as much as possible just because we don't really want to be involved if drama is to come along um and so i haven't talked to him about it really at all

but uh my friend she talks to me about it all the time just saying how much she likes him and basically i told her that she needs to because she's shot her shot she um told him she liked him and he said he didn't want a girlfriend which we all know is just a cop out i was like you need to just stop talking to him all together but she won't stop talking to him basically so she okay so when he saw what exactly did he say when she shot his shot? He basically just responded and was like, she didn't ever text. And she was like, hey, I really have enjoyed getting to know you and hanging out with you. And I would really like to see if this could go somewhere else. Okay.

And he was like, no, I really enjoy getting to know you as well. And I've had so much fun, but I just really don't want a girlfriend right now. And that's how long ago did that happen? That was in like September. Oh. And since then, nothing's really changed. It changed for like a month or so. And then-

What changed? How did it change? They just weren't talking. She stopped responding to his text and Snapchat. She tried to create some boundaries and she tried to create some boundaries she'd try to distance herself and he and he didn't he didn't really respond to that distance he just yeah basically he was just like okay well you don't want to talk you don't want to fuck all right i'm good all right and then maybe he reached out because of boredom but or

she reached out but nothing really changed they just slid back into whatever they were doing correct and from that point you still have decided to like not involve yourself pretty much so the thing that's changed is so on new year's eve uh we had a party and they were both there and i was like you need to kiss somebody else don't kiss him him. And then as soon as midnight hit, they were making out with each other. Okay, sure. You know, and then it's like I was. No one's picky. Yeah.

It seems like they were both picking only each other. There were plenty of other options there. Sure. But how I'm involved with it now is I guess she just keeps telling me, she was like, he invited me to come over again. And it's like, seems like it's amped back up more like it was at the beginning. So she was like, he invited me to come over and I feel like the ball is really in my court now.

And I was like, well, how do you think the ball is in your heart? Well, that's what I said. I said, how do you think it's in your court? I said, has he said anything about how he feels? And she said and I was like well then it's not in his it's not in your court it's in his he just invited her over yeah and so she went and she was like but I don't just want to be fuck buddies and I was like well he's not taking you on dates so that's what you are and she said she was like i mean i guess but i just really feel like i have a lot more power in this this time how so i was like i'm not gonna get she

wasn't asking my opinion so that's one thing i'm trying to stop giving my opinion if she doesn't ask for it is that so what what do you think you could do right now well that's what i don't know if i should talk to him about it. Because we're super close too. I'm very close with him. I just don't talk. I mean, I just don't want to bring that up because I don't want to like shit talk anybody. I thought about asking my fiance to do something about it. But he was like, I just want to stay out of it.

So I don't know. I mean, listen, other than your friend is, it sounds like she's setting herself up for some major disappointment and heartbreak. You could just let it happen. Being a friend, it could be a complicated thing. And I don't think people are often as good of a friend as they claim to be to their friends. I think sometimes being a friend is holding your friends accountable when they are not holding themselves accountable for doing the right thing. And sometimes we need friends to check us and say, hey, listen, I love you.

I believe in you. But what you're doing right now is not who I want to believe you are. In this particular instance, she might just need to learn this painful, but yet like ultimately not harmful experience that could teach her something in the future about herself. You've certainly mentioned your concerns. You've questioned her, even when she wasn't asking for it. Could you talk to him? Sure. You could say, Hey, listen, what's going on here? Like, you know she likes you. Think you're being selfish. If you want to date her, great. But like, you know how she feels about you

and you're still choosing to sleep with her. And like, this is only going to end badly. And I would just like rather not you do this to my friend. And let's say he takes your advice and he listens to it. And then he stops talking to her. And then she's like what the fuck and then he's just like hey listen i i talked to lisa and it's just like she could end up getting real fucking mad at you and instead of learning a tough lesson about uh not lying to

herself and and not ignoring her boundaries that she tried to set for herself, you just end up becoming the bad guy in her mind. And she blames you for this not working out. So I'm kind of in favor of you not saying something to him because she is actively choosing to ignore your advice, which happens all the time. We do that. Sometimes we have to learn our own tough lessons. And I don't, it doesn't sound like your friend's really in all that much like danger, you know, like she's playing with her own emotions, but she's an adult person. She's getting advice from you. And there's only so much you can do.

And I think all, you know, and like, maybe that is to simply just sit back and wait for it to happen. And when it does, you don't say, I told you so. You just say, hey, listen, like I've been there before, but next time, like just, you know, I wanted to help you, but you didn't really want my help. You didn't want to listen. And then just remember these moments about like saying she wanted power and like you not really understanding.

In the future, you know, maybe check in, you know, while she's dating. How's it going? Don't offer any more advice other than just saying you you ask how it's going if she asks you then that's an invitation for you to like try to say listen like what do you make of the fact that you've told him how he you feel and he's choosing to still sleep with you like where do you think this is going to go like and what power do you have what's going to happen if he starts dating someone else he's operating under the premise that he's told you her that he doesn't want a girlfriend and now he is thinking he can essentially do whatever you want because quote-unquote he's been

honest you know and she's just kind of been lying to herself about what that all means but yeah you can kind of remind her gracefully when this all blows up in her face but in the meantime she might have to learn this lesson you know i guess i'm just more worried like again i'm being like selfish on the fact that like they're both going to be around each other like we're getting married in june so i don't think a lot of things like up until that june's not that far away um they're in a situation ship this is not some serious relationship and let's say things blow up before your wedding like do you like and that's on them and she's gonna have to suck it up and go to her

wedding and deal with him being there and they'll probably hook up at your wedding anyways you know you know what i'm saying like 100 i just don't i don't really think it's up at your wedding anyways. You know? You know what I'm saying? Like, I just don't really think it's gonna impact your wedding all that much. Unless, I mean, you know these people better than I do. But I just like, from what I understand about the story, she might just need to listen to this on her own. You've already tried with her. She doesn't wanna listen.

And you talking to him might be more of a, like you overstepping your boundary as a friend. And then you could get yourself in a messy situation and she could use you as the scapegoat for why things didn't work out the way she wanted rather than taking accountability for her choices in this situation and her trying to pretend and kind of being delusional about what the situation really is and you might just and you know being a friend in this particular situation might be letting it play out and just keeping an eye on her. And, and, and when she is down and sad, you're there to bring her back up and you're there to support her and you're there to make her feel better about herself, et cetera, et cetera.

All right. That sounds good. It's the easiest option. Yeah. Well, you are trying, I mean, and again, like the things option yeah well you are trying i mean and again like the things might change you know if she comes to you and says i'm just like i'm just fucking done i i don't know what's going on but i'm just so fucking addicted to him and blah blah blah you you know you maybe then you talk to him or something like that you know uh but right now i think you just kind of let it play out. I also think just because like... Definitely shouldn't do it behind her back. Totally.

No, no, no. I was just going to say, like, I also think like sometimes I have the tendency to take on a lot of guilt whenever I have any kind of proximity to a situation, even if I don't have causation or if I'm not actually someone who's making choices in that decision. Like I still, because I'm like witness to it, I have I have so much like oh I need to fix this kind of mindset and so I'm wondering if like guilt is something that you're maybe proactively feeling of this kind of like oh I know they're going to see each other and I know it's going to be in the friend group and it feels what on one hand I worry about the way it could impact this dynamic and like my closest people but then I feel like that's

selfish but then I also feel this sense of guilt for not stopping this and intervening and being kind of the point of connection and so I'm just curious if that's kind of a component of this for you yeah that's pretty spot on actually it's like I don't I feel like it's gonna be not my fault but like you know I've just like watched her but like obviously she's a grown woman and can make her own decisions and she's not doing that. So I guess that's, I'm trying to just like reassure myself that it's the right thing to do is to do nothing. But then also, you know, like, I don't want anybody to get mad at me when I'm like, I don't want her to get mad if I'm like, because they live in the same city. We don't live in the same city as them, but they live in the same city. Oh boy.

Yeah. So like, if we go visit that city i don't want you know her to get mad if we're hanging out with him and his friends and like she can't come or i don't know it's just she's an adult yeah she's an adult and you're not you're she's not a you know a teenager anymore and you in those situations a reminder that like we talked about this and you didn't want to listen. And the fact that she stopped hanging out with him, I think is important when this all blows up. Because you can remind her, in that moment, she knew it was best for herself. Nothing changed.

And she decided to change course. She gave into the moment. She cave into her loneliness or boredom we've all done that it's human you know whatever you don't beat her up for it but you just remind her like listen like if you want to be mad at someone you know i love you but be mad at yourself don't be mad at me it's not fair like you knew we were all friends i didn't stop you from doing this you're an adult woman like if you guys wanted to make it work that was all going to be fine fine but like he told you he didn't want to date you he was honest about that and i'm mad at him for still like allowing this to happen knowing how you felt about him but either way you played a role in this too like you you didn't help yourself i tried to help you more than you try to help yourself so it's not

fair in this moment for you to make me feel guilty by having a relationship with someone just because you know you finally realize this is not going to happen and like you know again being a friend is sometimes offering that tough love still with with love, you know, but holding your ground and reminding them of the choices they made. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's great advice. I just, I told her the other day, I was like the Steve, I say the other day, it was a few weeks ago, but that Steve Harvey quote, like, don't let a man tell you he doesn't want you twice. Yeah.

And I was like, ooh. Yeah. I think, yeah, you yeah, there might be some awkward conversations. There might be a little fight between the two of you or whatever. But this is nothing you guys can't get through in these moments. Just think about what kind of friend do you want to be? We like to say, oh, it's not really my place, or I don't want to do this, or blah, blah, blah. But when you see your friend not being the best version of themselves,

we need to check them unless you don't believe in them. And if you don't believe them, then you shouldn't be their friend. I believe in her. So we're good. Yeah. And you've tried to check her. She didn't want to listen. Now you got to let it play out. You know, she's not hurting necessarily. The person she's hurting the most is herself. And when that's the case, as long as she's not in any danger, sometimes's hurting her the most is herself and when that's the case as long as she's not in any danger sometimes you have to let it play out great all right well thank you so much thanks for your call yeah do your best not to feel guilty and let us know how it goes yes update us please congratulations on the wedding yes have a good

wedding thank you thank you so much i've gotten so much help with like growth of myself and our relationship we both listen. So we love that. We appreciate it. Thank you. All right. Take care. Like under what circumstances is it appropriate to like metal or get involved in a friend's like budding romance?

When is it appropriate to the meddling your friend's budding romance? I think you're their friend so what define metal i i think it's always appropriate to share your opinion on some level i'm talking about though they're like talking to a like talking to your friend you can't even give your opinion your friend meets someone right and you're not allowed to like be like i don't know i feel like you should let them ask your opinion first. Depends on what your concern is. Well, yeah.

If there's something that's a blaring safety issue, obviously. Well, I think it's also maybe asking questions about it to cue them into realizing that you're interested in terms of just expressing interest and curiosity about how things are going. And then from there they'll probably ask yeah i think we are like i think we conveniently choose to like again i think we make excuses for not doing the right thing often like if this if if you're if you're friends with someone then part of your job as a friend to make sure that they are being the best version of themselves and hopefully you're friends with people that elevate you, uh, and hold you accountable. And, you know, sometimes when

we make friends on the playground, sometimes those friends could be bad influences and, and we have to learn that maybe we're more followers than we realize and things like that. But in adulthood, hopefully, you know, your friends are people that can check you and vice versa and things like that. And, um, you should be able to share your opinion. You do it with respect, you know, like you don't say,

Oh, you're like, do you have the worst taste in men or what the fuck are you doing? It's just like, you know, but if your friend, you know, has,

has a series of, of, of bad dates and they're constantly frustrated with their dating life and all of a sudden they show you this like dating profile of what like at least on paper looks like a major fuck boy then i don't think you need to like get their permission to like check in okay i have a question for like everyone and like please in the comments like respond to this because i've been thinking about this topic for so long and it is I have one of my best friends in the whole world. She has a friend who they were in college. They did like this comedy group together, became very close. I am convinced they are in love with each other. They always and she's spoken so many times about how they do. They'll do these really romantic, like lovely hangout dates. But they're both very polite, intimidated. And I think he's certainly a guy who's coming from the standpoint of he's ultra considerate. The last thing he would

ever want to do is make someone uncomfortable. So my read on the situation is that they both are in love with each other. Neither of them is being honest. She's too passive to say anything. And then he doesn't want to make this like his female friend feel uncomfortable. Like, oh, I've been not actually wanting to be friends with you i've had the secret romantic agenda this has been going on for so long she's admitted that she thinks they would be so happy in a relationship i think this is like her end game like i think if they dated they would get married i feel so strongly about the ways that they are compatible for one another they know each other you should play cupid well i so i've told her so many times i'm like shoot your shot with him shoot your shot

with him how is she interested though on a romantic level she's certainly interested in with it in him she just doesn't want to make a move have you asked her permission to like i don't make a move for her well that's what i'm saying i that's my question to the group is like at what point do i get to kind of like vigilante this shit yeah i don't think you do anything behind your back just be like hey listen you're timmy you're scared i get it i love you but like do you like how about i put in a good word how can i suss out the situation i don't know this guy though i sort of know i know of him through the years and i think i've met him once or twice yeah do it you know like go hang out with her have some drinks and be like let's shoot our shot together with him like why don't you be by

her side while you like the worst thing that can happen is he doesn't like you and that's going to be fine but aren't you just tired of fantasizing about the possibility of this guy i have said that to her so many times nick and i have said it i've said this is not a friendship you're scared no no no no she's just really she is one of the most competent capable people i've ever met in the world. And I think as a result of that, a situation... Hey, Nick. Yes, she is. No, she's not.

Yes, she is. If she was so competent and capable... That doesn't always extend to romantic life. So outside of the romantic sphere... I'm sure she's competent and capable in a lot of things. But you said she's the most competent and capable in a lot of things. But you said she is the most competent, incapable person. Beyond the romantic sphere of life

is what I amend that statement to. And I think she is someone for whom she's almost always able to execute things with excellence. And so the uncertainty of this, and I think she judges herself, which I wish she wouldn't. I wish she...

I mean, some people are used to being really good at a lot of things. And they may be growing up, you know, a safe space for failure wasn't cultivated. Yeah. Or a situation where failure was always a result of not like... Looking at you, Ellie. Well, I also just think people who have the mentality of like if i just work hard because she's not some like arrogant like oh i'm just good at everything like she just she's so smart and capable and she can like just put her mind to failure she doesn't

know yeah and and i think this situation is so scary because it's not a failure you can work ethic she's worried how that's gonna bleed and snowball into her other aspects of her life. But this is her, and she hates dating. She's having the most miserable time and I'm like, you could end it. You could end dating. No doubt, because if she can't shoot her shot with this guy, God only knows what she can't do. What else she can't do in her dating life? She's just hoping to be picked.

I know I'm not calling her a pick me in the necessary but on some level my guess is she's just hoping to go on the apps swipe a few times and have prince charming show up on a date one day and and and not really require much like risk or work or or putting yourself on a limb or shooting your shot yourself really uncomfortable yeah uncomfortable. Yeah, and being vulnerable. Like she's not willing to be vulnerable. And you can only be so great. You're only so competent if you're not willing to be vulnerable and willing to take a risk or lose something

or face some adversity. So- You know, your friend is very far from reaching her full potential in all aspects of her life. And a lot of people don't reach their full potential. Most people don't reach their full potential. That's emotional to their full potential that's emotional to think about i would hope you haven't reached your full potential in your 20s she's not reaching her full potential where she is in her

life because she is actively avoiding disappointment and how good can you really be if you're not afraid to miss some shots so you know and please put in the comments, weigh in, should I take matters into my own hands? Should I reach out to this guy? On some level, you should. I think I should too. I don't know what that is. And I think she should be a part of it.

But you can't do it for her. She has to feel like she needs that rush of adrenaline of shooting the shot and not knowing how it's going to play out and then dealing with however it plays out in a productive way while you're there to support her to bring on the next caller let's do it how's it going hi how are you good what's your name i'm carly and I'm 28. How can we help, Carly? I am calling because my husband and I are in somewhat of a standoff

when it comes to initiating sex. Okay, tell us more. So we are high school sweethearts. We've been together for a long time, about 10 years, married three. And when it comes to initiating sex, I think because we've been together for such a long time and we're so comfortable, there's not a lot of wooing when it comes to that part of it.

And I want to help him understand that maybe he can make it a little more fun or spice up the way that he initiates as opposed to just like, let's just go to the bedroom. Okay. And have you expressed this to him? Kind of a little bit. And he kind of hit me with, I kind of make like jokes about it a little bit. And I know what he's attempting to do, right? We've known each other for a while. So I can tell he's kind of got that look like, let's go have sex. So I meet him, you know, in the middle there, have sex. So I meet him, you know, in the middle there, but he kind of hit me with, well, he feels that he initiates more to begin with. So here I am critiquing the way he initiates, but he's more like, well, at least I do it. So he's saying, well, if I didn't even suggest we had sex, we might not have any sex at all. And you're saying, well, whenever you want to have sex, it'd be nice

to know that you want to do more than just put it in me. That sums it up. Yeah. Okay. It's relatable. Yeah. I think very common. But the thing is, when it comes to the sex itself, we're great. Everything's great. We've put a lot of focus into that and spicing data. You still enjoy the sex?

100%. It's totally great. There's a lot of work into evolving that over the years. Have you addressed this via couples therapy at all? No. Okay. No. Well, I'll give it the old college try, but feel free to take this very real issue into couples therapy because I'm guessing make it up. All right. Yeah. I mean, yeah, definitely. I mean, it doesn't feel like it's, um, we're very comfortable like talking to each other and I think it kind of stems back a little bit to our personalities are different and he's a little bit, you know, I'm a little more bold and outgoing and he's a little bit more on the shy or quiet side. So, um like he needs to loosen up or have some swag when it comes to...

I have a couple notes for you. One, stop joking about it. It's not productive. I get why we do it. I do it. Everyone does it. But you making a quote-unquote joke about that in that moment, it doesn't sound like he thinks it's very funny. And you probably feel, make him feel emasculated. That's not going to help your cause.

If you want to talk about intimacy and sex with your husband, that's awesome. You should, it's important. I advocate for it, but talk. You know, lead with love. I love you. I love having sex with you. You're hot. Love your big fat dick. Whatever. You know, whatever you think he likes to hear that makes him feel sexy and strong,

say that to him. And then hit him with the notes of what you want or your desires. So just a general rule of thumb. Like stop with the jokes and make him feel sexy and compliment him. And then feel free to also ask if, can, can, can we talk about this? And you know, I have things I want to work on. I'd love to hear it from you. Are we willing to try

X, Y, or Z yada, yada, yada. No one's a winner or a loser when it comes to who's better or worse in this marriage. You're in a fucking marriage. You guys are a team and that's it. You either win together or you lose together. Another note I would offer you, I think you guys should make love without having sex. What I mean by that is there's always a lingerie and shit like that it's fucking helpful it is like i don't know what it is about lingerie like i immediately kind of want to take it off but it's fucking fun i don't know all right so dabble with that a little bit but like this skin is your large it's it's your most sensitive body part it It's your largest organ. It's what feels the most. And I think you guys could quote unquote make love

by agreeing to like set some time apart and touch each other and caress each other's skin and go slowly and play with each other's privates or maybe just each other's skin, but you're just kind of caressing each other. And maybe you tried, I don't know. Maybe it's just with your hands. Maybe it's you get weird and use hot wax.

I don't fucking know. But try different sensations, you know, and talk through it. How does that feel? Do you like this? When you're touching each other, talk about intimate things. Talk about your feelings for each other. Ask each other how each other feels about what are each other's thinking. That's going to make you guys connect in ways. I can definitely see that. Yeah. Because I think, again, given our lives, obviously we have a young

child. So when we both get home from work and then it's the bedtime routine and all the things, by the time we've eaten dinner, it's that gap like we both want to but like how do we initiate and how do we make this sexy i don't even have a kid and i can relate to that feeling you know but like you said sometime yeah you set some time apart maybe it's instead of hitting the gym you're just like you go buy something you think he might be attracted to and you guys sit to agree to like turn the lights down play some music that you both enjoy and just talk while you touch each other and caress each other you know light fingers up and down the skin and shit like that or whatever you know i think uh it goes a long way and you do it while talking and you do you to ask each other what turns you on and you talk about fantasies you know what turns you know you guys have about fantasies, you know, what turns,

you know, guys have been fucking high school sweethearts get fucking weird. At least we do their fantasies, you know, what's so tell me something crazy. Tell me something. You're kind of scared to tell me, you know,

I trust you. You're not going to leave me. Fuck it. No girl wants to have sex with you. Anyway, I'm just kidding. But like, but I got to talk about your fantasies.

Even if those fantasies get a little weird, I don't know, create a safe space and maybe grow into that. I don't know. But start by agreeing to like make love without having sex. So that's like the starting point is that's where, like I said, when it's the evening, we get there, we're kind of like, okay, so like, do I, you come on to me? Do I come on to you? Like that whole thing of just like someone needs to get started.

So maybe it is more of, I need to just start leading by example. Yeah, no, you sit down and say, again, take the first note. Sit down. Maybe you're out to dinner. You have a date. Maybe, you know, just you and him. You're alone. And you say, this is something I'd like to talk to you about,

something that I've been thinking about. I think we should put more energy and effort into our romance use we language not i wish you would do this i wish you would do that why don't you do this don't make you know i'm saying none of that you both could do better you know you both have like got caught up into the grind of life in the marriage and being parents and it's normal and it's uh it's tiring as fuck i know the feeling i know i know the feeling of i want to have sex right now fuck it i'm tired i'm also i'm curious for you because it kind of sounds like when you're talking about initiation correct me if i'm wrong here but like what i'm getting is like there's kind of this desire for him to like be the initiator and like kind of like take control and i'm curious if that's coming from like a place of like within

sex wanting to have sex that's a little like a place of like within sex, wanting to have sex, that's a little bit like takes on that power dynamic. And so you want the initiation to start like that because that's kind of what you're hoping for. You're like dynamic within the bedroom to be like, or if there's a part of you that's like, regardless of kind of like sexual self persona, that's just like, can you make me feel wanted and desired? And like, can you be the one there? You're, you're the one there you're you're really spot on with where you're going with that is that's actually kind of how our sex life the actual sex itself improved is I am more dominant and you know like the the outgoing one and the

controlling one like in our relationship I mean controlling it a good way but just and he's a little bit more passive so in the bedroom those roles reverse and he definitely comes to life a little bit more and definitely there has been some of those fantasies and some of that stuff that we've had fun with. So, it does come from a place of it reverses our roles every single day when at nighttime, he's a little bit more of the aggressor and I'm a little bit more of the passive one. You just need a little more romance in your life. Yeah. I mean, it feels like one of those things though, where like you talk about initiating sex and then, or you have a tough conversation about something and then you don't want to do it right after. It doesn't always translate that way where.

Yeah. I'm not expecting you guys to have this conversation and then immediately go do it. Yeah. Well, with sex, for example, like when I, you know, again, you can imagine we were each other's first for everything 10 years ago. So it kind of came time to figure out like, oh, this, maybe this thing that you do to me, you could, we could work on a little bit. He's much more of a processor. So I actually sent him like some sex podcasts and he listened to them and then kind of like showed me what he learned in a way and that's kind of been a way that it's really worked for us like in developing our sex life so i think that's where i'm leaning into that a little bit with the initiating because i don't think he responds really well i think when i just sit him down and like i know we language but if i tell him something it maybe

makes it feel a little more on the spot or uncomfortable since he is a little bit more a processor yeah i know but it just it doesn't sound like you've actually tried talking and leading with like compliments and and gassing them up you know you make you're making jokes when was the last time you and your husband caressed each other got each other worked up and climaxed without fucking without without the sex part is that what you're saying yeah when was the last time that ever happened yeah i i think it's i think it's been a while because i think we we both enjoy the sex i think we get to that but i think i get what you're saying is i think that part of like build up or romance or connection without it is uh not happening as much i think you can set aside time to do that and it can actually be relaxing.

I mean, lying in bed, closing my eyes, listening to some fucking like sauna music while like the person I love is touching me. Yeah. Okay. Where do I sign up?

I don't know. You guys can take turns one night. It's his night. Like it's, it's how you unwind. Like you can, I just need to just do it then and not make, just try that and not talk about it?

Yeah, I want to try this. Like, hey, this is kind of weird. It is not that weird, but let's try to turn each other on. Let's fuck with each other. Let's tease each other. Let's rile each other up. Let's withhold, you know? I think that's a good way to put it is I think we're're missing the the like attempting to turn each other on

yeah and fuck with each other and like you know dress up in lingerie and like touch his privates or touch yours in front of them and then just stop and get them all fucking riled up and not let them like not let them touch you for the rest of the night and then text him a nude the next fucking day i promise you you do stuff like that's going to come home with a raging heart on and want to throw you against the wall. That makes sense. That makes sense how putting in that type of effort and flirting and all of that teasing ahead of time would just translate. Yeah, but there's nothing wrong with you just starting and saying, let's just try this. Someone's got to come up with an idea.

It seems like a lot of it is kind of leading with me kind of leading by example or starting with that. Well, yeah, because you know what you want. And since you know what you want, you have the benefit of communicating that to your husband, which I know is not always easy, but you should at least want to get to that place and see if he's willing to get there for you rather than knowing what you want and then figuring out a way to get him to read your mind or guess. And I think- Well, it comes such a long way with the sex thing. So I didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying, okay, well, we mastered this. Now this is good. But now we got to work on this part. And I didn't want him to feel that way. That's not about what you're

working on, babe. I want to try something fun and new. I want to try something different. You're doing this for me, but this is what I want to do to you. Let's just mix it up. Make him feel good about himself men love a compliment men love to feel validated men love to feel sexy they love to feel good about themselves they want to feel yeah strong and powerful and they want to feel desired so just make them feel desired and i bet that goes a long fucking way and tell them how hot you are for them and tell them how you just desire him and you just, oh, you just can't. And I think it'll go a long way.

Try getting each other off via your skin, which sounds a little murdery, but you know what I mean? I'm following. Yeah. Well, thanks. I'll send you guys an update and I'm sure I can get him on next time if you guys want. We'd love that. Sounds good. Well, thanks for having me.

Take care. All right. Bye-bye bye in the comment section if you have something akin to like the like the specific of like caressing each other's skin gently if you have like a little hack that really changed your sex life and you want to help some other people out feel free to share it uh in the comments or or in the dms if you want a little privacy. Yeah. If you want it to be anonymous, that's fair. But also, we're adults here. Be a hero. Be a hero. Save a life. We should definitely do that. How's it going? My name is Sadie and I'm 39.

How can we help, Sadie? So I was wondering if you could help me decide if I should blow up my life to get out of my family's house. Okay. That sounds dramatic and intense. Yeah, dramatic. Who is the family you are speaking of? Let's start there. So my entire family, but I don't have a family like yours. It's not huge. It's my parents and my brother. A little backstory is I have lived on my own from 18 to 33. I've moved different country or not countries, states. And most recently I moved back home following a very bad breakup where I had moved to Massachusetts and it ended

abruptly and terribly. And I moved back home to regroup. Everything was going really well. Next thing I knew, I got another job. I was really comfortable. Me and my parents get along great. We're more like roommates actually. And full disclosure, I am not the best at saving money. So I could have been saving a whole bunch of money during this time. And I was, but it's towards retirement. So it's not accessible money. I was throwing a lot of retirement. And a couple of months ago, my brother abruptly told us he would be moving back in because he's getting his second divorce. Okay. How old's bro? He is five years older than me. Okay.

And we all haven't lived in the same house since I was 13, probably. Wild times. Yeah. I was a little concerned and I spoke my concerns to my parents that it would just, I might need to leave just because I love my brother. I don't necessarily want to live with my entire family. Obviously, it's kind of stressful. He's got a lot of stressful things going on in his life with his job and the ex-wife and he's got some physical disabilities which are making his life hard. So a couple arguments have happened with me and my parents. Has he moved home yet? Oh yeah. He's been home for a couple months. Okay. Are you suggesting you don't have the money to move out on your own? Like,

what do you mean by blowing up your life? Like what, like as life? As you sit here today, what are you actually contemplating doing? I am contemplating. I don't have a whole lot of money to put on a down payment. But if you're a first-time homebuyer, you don't really have to put down that much. I'm considering, if I need to, taking some money out of retirement and getting my own house. I had had a dream. Part of why I was still staying at home was I had decided I wanted to retire early. I was going to save a bunch of money, retire early. If I am paying on a house, which I've done, I've been looking actually the past couple weekends,

any payment in the area that I live in that I would make is at least almost 50% of my income. And I make pretty good money working as a surgical tech. And I feel like I should be able to live on my own and it not be half of my income. Everyone says the internet, everything says you shouldn't spend more than what, like a third of your income on the roof over your head and utilities and stuff. Yeah. This is significantly more than that. I would not be able to save any money. Certainly couldn't put what I've been putting into retirement. So I would have to abandon any retire early ideas and just maybe be house poor.

Yeah. Ultimately, what you're considering is taking a risk, right? Yes. And following a dream. I have no problem with you taking risks and following dreams. That's great, right? And following a dream. I have no problem with you taking risks and following dreams.

That's great. I don't love the fact that you're thinking about this during a time of crisis that you're experiencing. Chances are you're still working through the heartbreak and the therapy of whatever caused you to end that last relationship abruptly and moving home. I know what it's like to, after one relationship, I moved in with my grandma Phyllis. And that was, you know, I look back now and I'm grateful. But during the time, it was a challenge to my psyche to do that, right? And I remember thinking about, I want to move here, move there. And, you know, I ended up moving to Chicago a few years later. But I just think, one, you should just be careful about making major life decisions while you're experiencing crisis.

However you think and feel in this moment, you're probably not thinking clearly because your body and your mind is literally trying to just get through each day and kind of survive emotionally. When it comes to heartbreak, it's a lot on our bodies and it's a lot on our emotions and our hearts. And I think we just have to be okay with allowing ourselves to feel. As I've gotten older and as I've dealt with disappointment in my life, I'm grateful that the pain I have felt in the past has gotten me to a place where I now just allow myself to feel whatever it is I'm feeling. And I allow it to just kind of take over me, anger, sadness, disappointment, depression, happiness, whatever. And I don't feel pity for just kind of take over me anger sadness disappointment depression happiness you know whatever and i i don't feel pity for myself you know i think when i was younger and i was i got

when people disappointed me or hurt me and and especially those close to me you know because that's usually the case right people we love the most will hurt us the most if for another reason then we thought we could trust them and then we realized we couldn't um and i spent most of my time at least early on just it's a lot of feeling sorry for myself and a lot of self-pity uh and that consumed all my energy and i didn't even get to the point where i was even processing what i was sad about rather i was just kind of feeling like why could this how could this happen to me why did this happen to me shit like that um and I don't know what you're going through when it comes to this stuff but like it would be normal for you at times to be like I can't believe I'm living with my parents can't believe I'm with my parents with my brother here I, and it wouldn't surprise me if that type of mindset

is also playing a role where it's like, fuck, I can't, I can, this is not who I am. I am better than this. Like I make good money. Like I like, fine. It didn't work out in Massachusetts, wherever the fuck, but like, I am better than living with my parents. And I feel like I need to do something big and I need to do something bold in order to let myself know that I'm not a total fucking loser. That is definitely a feeling that I have. It doesn't help to, you know, whatever coworkers or something. Of course, they all know that I live at home. You hear from all sorts of sides that like someone my age should not be living at home.

Sure. Yeah. Well, eventually they're going to experience some shit in their life and they're going to think, I can't believe whatever age I'm at, this is happening to me. We all eventually deal with shit where we're just, we are in literal shock. We can't believe it's happening to us, but it happens to all of us. And you might not hear about it. You might not see it, but it, it happens and it happens in its own way. And the worst thing you can do is try to compete with colleagues and peers and make

really huge decisions that can affect you negatively in the long run. I mean, if you want to overextend yourself for a house, go nuts. That's not the worst thing in the world. At least you're investing in real estate. You can always get a part-time job. You can work harder. You can, you know, but is that the life you really want? You know, you can always buy a house and then rent it out. You know, the renting market's pretty fucking good right now with instance rates being what they are.

I think people, a lot of people can't afford homes and are stuck renting. And maybe you're in a position to, if nothing else, not live there, but earn it, you know, get some sort of residual income there. You have some options. I just think in general, what your primary focus should be on is your mental health and therapy and taking it easy on yourself. And I have no problem with you not like, I'm glad you're out there treating yourself, whatever you've been spending your money on good for you take some trips you know what i'm saying like what's the

you know who wants to buy in a house right now with interest rates being as high as they are honestly yeah you know maybe save some money in a couple years they'll come back down and maybe you'll have more money saved or maybe you'll have you'll be making more money or you might be like i don't run i don't what do i do with this big fucking house like you know what if you want to move to south carolina sometime again you can rent the house but like right now you're in a very transitional period and and and in a lot of ways buying a house is a very non-transitional thing it's a very permanent thing so you know you know, you can always sell your house and yada, yada, yada.

But what you're thinking of doing, I feel confident in that you're trying to do it to make yourself feel better about all the other things in your life that you feel is not going the way you want or the way you hoped or the way you expected. And I promise you, it's not going to change that feeling. You have your whole life in front of you, you know?

And just be open to just having ideas of what you want. You're, what, 39 years old? Who the fuck knows what's going to happen? So you don't think I'm too, it's not bad. It's not, I'm not a failure to be living with my parents at 39. No, you took some risks in your life, some shit happened, and now you're dealing with it. That's all it is.

You're just like everybody else. Yeah. But you will, I promise you, you will remember this differently in the future. And you won't look down on yourself. And almost certainly, you will remember this time as something that you overcame. And I look back, i i cherish living with my grandma truly cherish no i mean yeah i love my parents i'm happy to have any and all the time that i can have with them focus on that gives a shit about like who cares i've never you know i

don't know who you are i've never met you and i can assure you no one's've never, you know, I don't know who you are. I've never met you. And I can assure you, no one's ever been like, you know, who's living with their parents, you know, like who gives a shit, you know, and anyone who points it out, I promise you there is something about their lives that they're not happy with. And they would rather point out your failures than look at their own. Okay. I'll keep that in mind. I'm certain of it. I would bet my life on it. I would take a breath. I'd keep looking at houses, get into it, research, investing yourself. Nothing wrong with becoming more educated on different types of investment opportunities. See how committed you are to this by starting to save. And if you still

have a hard time saving, then maybe deep down you realize that you're not really committed to this. Because if you do buy a house and overextend yourself, you're going to have to drastically change your habits. So start changing your habits first before you sign the dotted line to see if this is something you're really capable and more than capable wanting to do. Because there's a lot of things we say we want to do. And at the end of the day, our actions say otherwise. I don't know if you really want to buy a house and I don't know if you really want to overextend yourself. I think what you really want right now is to not feel bad about yourself. And certainly buying something like buying a house like this,

it would make a lot of sense of like, it would be a sense of accomplishment, you know, but, you know, I would just be careful the state of mind in which you make it. Okay. All right. Sounds good. Take care. I would love an update. I will. On your mindset in a couple, in like in a month, like how are you feeling?

What have you been working on? Investing yourself right now. And investing yourself doesn't mean you have to go buy a Ferrari, you know, or a house. You can just learn and take care of your mental health and take care of yourself and take care of how you feel about yourself. Your heartbreak happened abruptly. And it often feels like we're often reminded of how quickly bad things can happen. How quickly things can change, especially when it's bad. But the same thing can be true about good things.

That is true. In six months, your life could be completely different. You just aren't aware of it. You don't know who you're going to meet. You don't know who you're going to interact with. You don't know what experiences you might have that might completely alter how you feel about yourself or your situation.

And maybe it happens a little bit longer. We just don't know. But as long as you keep investing in yourself and make decisions for future you and present you with thinking about that in mind, I think you're going to be okay. Thank you so much, guys. All right. Take care. Take care. Can't wait to hear from you in a month. Send us an email, update us.

I will. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget, care. Bye. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget Artem Maron tomorrow for Bachelor Recap. Lala Kent on Thursday for Going Deeper. Go back and check out the update episode from last Friday.

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