The Viall Files - E55 Ask Nick - Naughty Naval Officers

Episode Date: October 28, 2019

On today’s episode of Ask Nick, Nick reveals his enneagram number. Then we talk to someone who is her man’s “backup choice,” a navy wife with a sexy secret, a married woman who can’t have guy friends, and an innocent bystander in a bluetooth scandal. Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: ARTICLE: https://www.article.com/nick BRUMATE: https://www.brumate.com/ CODE: VIALL  NOOM: https://www.noom.com/viall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

how's it going happy monday another episode of vile files coming at you hot oh i feel like this episode's hot it's fun there's some spicy stories we say that as if we're just saying it because we want you to keep listening. But I truly feel it's good. It's sexy. I finally did it. What'd you do? I finally took the anagram test. Is that how you say it?

I have no idea. Enneagram? Enneagram. A lot of people have been emailing in being like. Asking about. Asking about it. And also just saying, you guys should talk about it. We should.

And probably maybe. A whole episode. A whole episode of learning about it and someone who knows what they're talking about. Yeah. But I took the test. Rochelle took the test. It's a personality test. It's a personality test.

I found it to be the result interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Way to hit it out of the park after I put on a tee. Enneagram. I don't even know how to pronounce it.

Big reveal. What are you, Nick? I am a three with wing four. Parentheses. The expert. You love that, don't you? I don't love it,

but I feel like it's fitting for this show since people call in and ask what the fuck is going on and i'm like i don't know i'm not an expert turns out maybe i am no it means you like being the expert it doesn't mean you are an expert which makes sense people with an enneagram type three wing four personality predominantly take on features of a type three, but share several with the type four as well. They tend to be ambitious, focused, and serious in their behavior. They are very career oriented and are more introverted than other threes.

Are you introverted? I've always said I'm like an introverted extrovert. I can be very extroverted at times, but yes, I can also be very introverted. There are people who would describe me as both. Yeah. Yeah. They tend to find much of their identity in their work and are very task oriented. Basic fears.

They tend to throw themselves into their careers and do anything it will take to succeed. Ooh, we are afraid of failure. Yeah. Basic desires. Their most basic desire is to succeed and feel valued. That's probably fairly accurate. They may show this by seeking validations of their hard work and successes.

Experts defend themselves by adapting or changing their personalities to fit their environment. This makes them great communicators, but they also lead to them, it also may lead to them being

feeling misunderstood or feeling fraudulent. Oh. Wow. Do you ever feel fraudulent? Not fraudulent, but like, I mean,

fraudulent to yourself, misunderstood, like if you're misunderstood and you're trying to get, you know, I think that's what that means. But I don't know. In summary, basic, be more restraint and controlled. I don't know.

My strengths. Every personality architect has strengths and blind spots. Interesting. Strengths. Being attentive to specific tests. Ability to recognize personal growth areas. Connecting with those around them. Thinking practically and working efficiently.

Striving to continually improve. My weaknesses. Focusing too heavily on professional successes. Well, I'm single. Tendency to face self-doubt in successful circumstances. Difficulty accepting loss or disappointment. Being perceived as overly confident or moody. That's not right i'm not moody but i am perceived as such you are moody i'm really not okay again

misunderstood misunderstood anyways i uh i can't say that that doesn't sound way off base anyways i uh i can't say that it doesn't sound way off base rochelle i was surprised by these results because rochelle and i seem to be more similar than i would have imagined your wing is four yeah we're we're four i'm i'm four with a wing of three i know similar maybe that's do you have the results yeah so i'm on the Enneagram Institute. It says that I'm the individualist, expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed, and temperamental, sensitive, introspective. My basic fear is I have no significance. My desire is to find myself and my significance to create an identity. Wow. Rochelle took the test 15 minutes ago in 10 minutes.

And I got to say, wow. What? You think it's so spot on? Do you? I don't know. I mean, yeah,

I'm sure. More to be discussed probably later in future episodes. A lot of people write in and they're like my enneagram number is blake like i've been asked a lot since we started doing questions with nick on my instagram and yeah i guess people are dying to know it's taking over the world what mine is uh i wonder what people if people guessed it right exciting yeah well anyways uh, anyways, uh, that's that.

Uh, I found it very fascinating. Uh, another great episode. Is it not Rochelle? This one's fun. It's very fun. So strap on your seatbelt,

get ready for a wild ride. Thanks for listening. As always, guys, don't forget to rate us five stars on iTunes to, you know, validate my profession as I need to do. As I've learned today,

why I, I seek your validation. As always, we need your questions, especially from our 10%ers out there. And we always appreciate you sharing our podcast with the world on your social media. Couldn't do it without you guys. Ask Nick at castmedia.com. Thanks so much. Coming up next, questions. Well, people, natural habits. Our diffusers are back in stock. Were they out of stock for a while?

Yeah, they sold out. Nice, congrats. Thanks. Yeah, our diffuser, our wonderful Stone Ceramics diffusers, our essential oil blends. Again, whether you are struggling with anxiety, sleep problems, headaches,

if you're trying to get a boost of immunity, our USDA organic essential oils are perfect for those. And if nothing else, again, if you're just looking to scent your indoor air, it is the cleanest, healthiest way to do that. Artificial fresheners like Febreze, plug-ins, they're filled with toxic chemicals, as well as candles. I know it's hard to hear, but your candles are full of carcinogens and toxins and you're burning it into your environment. And while candles are nice and I have candles in my place, try not to use them so much and rely on them to scent your place. Essential oils, safer, have medicinal benefits to them. Natural habits.

You should come out with a pumpkin spice essential oil. Again, maybe we're developing some oils right now, but I will tell you our Protect Blend, which is good for boosting immunity. Cold and seizing is upon us. It's a great immunity boost. I use it all the time when I'm, I try to use it every day, but especially when I'm sick, I just lather it up. It also smells like Christmas. Right. So if you're

looking for a nice Christmas scent for the holidays that aligns good with cold season, Protect. It's an amazing blend. 20% off code natural for all first-time customers. NHOils.com. Check us out. You won't regret it. Question time with me.

Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How is it going? It's going good. My name's Lindsay. I'm 24 years old. And I'm calling because I need your help. All right, Lindsay, 24 years old. How can we help?

So basically, I'm in a little bit of a pickle of friends with benefits that is now hitting that gray zone of what do we do next? So we've been friends for a year, two years now. And slowly we started kind of getting... How did the sex start? It started one night with both of us kind of flirting at the bar and he texted like can i come over and i was like sure and like one thing led to another we were talking and we just started hooking up is that how the friendship started or or no no our friendship started honestly we're just we're friends for two years okay and like it started this summer um we just started getting closer

and hanging out more i was like kind of his confidant for like his relationship advice and like helping him with like his ex and his problems and like current situations that he was doing, dating other girls. And then we just kind of started to hang out more later at night and just like kind of just like getting to know each other on a different level. And then when we hooked up, it was kind of one of those like,

Oh, that happened. What are we going to do with this? But never spoke about it. And then we started hooking up more consistently. And then he would say things to my friends like, I always know Lindsay will be there as my second choice. I was no sure just waiting for me. He actually said those words?

Yeah, he said those words. And when I heard about it, was like okay we're done like this is not happening again i would always like late night with him and his roommate and it was like really casual like if we hooked up we hooked up if i went home i went home and then when he heard that i was like well i'm not your second choice like i would as much as i were this is just a friend with benefits i'm not going to be like known as that yeah so then so is that i was like so is that what bothered you the most um just the principle of it or the fact that you you know like you know what i'm saying like did it actually because like you're wondering if where is this going

well i think in the beginning i was like oh this is kind of fun like having this person here it's kind of easy i'm in like the city with you now temporary and then hearing that was like well that's like kind of a shot in like shot like hit me hard because i've always been like in my mind a second choice to like a lot of people that i've been with oh okay and yeah so i think it was more of like a hit deeper because i actually heard it versus knowing it or like thinking it. Sure. Or you felt that way before, but now you have for the first time actually heard it.

At least. And I heard of it from someone's mouth that was a friend versus just someone that I was sleeping with or like hanging out with. Like it was a friend and I would never expect those words to have come out of his mouth originally. Totally. So that hit and i was just like okay this is done we're not doing this anymore but like more so versus me saying it in words

with more actions of me being cold and like not as attentive to him when we'd go out and be with friends and then one day we were out at a bar and he was like saying something to me and i kind of flipped him off and he's like what's your Like, why are you like acting like this towards me? And I was like, I mean, our dynamics are different. Like you're kind of being an asshole today. So I don't really know like what you want me to do is like fawn over you. Like think what you're doing is funny when it's annoying kind of thing you said this and yeah and that night that night he ended up coming over and like we just had a talking because i feel like things are different our dynamics very different and you're not the same person and i was like i think people change like i think us hooking up kind of made it is and i put it in the terms of what it was what it was we had fun when we had fun but that was kind of it and we he ended up sleeping over that night and we didn't even kiss like we just went to bed and it was one of those things where he stayed the next day till 12 p.m and hung out and was like

let's go grocery shopping together let's do this together and i was so thrown off and i was like did you call him out for the thing he said? So that was the other thing. I heard it from my best friend who he said it to that she didn't want me to say anything. The classic situation. Okay. But yeah, but your friend doesn't have.

So wait, she told you about something that was said about you and she relayed this information to you as a friend, but made you promise or swear that you couldn't address the actual situation. She expected you to hang on to this truth and then somehow figure it out in a very passive, aggressive, indirect way. I think in her way, it was like, this should be an indication to just stop doing it. Well, that could be fair, but also I get what your friend's saying, but it's also an unrealistic expectation for your friend.

I mean, like, let's be real here. Like if she's your friend, she must understand at least somewhat of the dynamic of this relationship. I've known you for about three and a half minutes and I can appreciate that you obviously this person, how old is he by the way? He's 25. Yeah. So he's a part of your life. You've been friends with him for a couple of years. Then you started sleeping with each other. It's a very, it's an important relationship your life it's you've invested a lot of time and energy in this relationship so for your friend your other friend your your

girlfriend to tell you this story which is not nice and it sucks but it's not yeah it's not fucking detrimental but it also could be hurtful that she should expect you to just stop it and stop what like not be friends with them at all or just stop having sex with them and even if you just stop having sex with them and you want to remain friends with them i would expect that you would still want to address what what he said to him like how how can she how can you be expected to just ignore that all right and i think that was my hardest thing was like how do i ignore this and then be an asshole or like have a cold personality towards him without him knowing that I know this fact? Yeah.

So I think there's a couple of things here. One, I think you need to go to said girlfriend and just have a heart to heart and say, hey, listen, I really appreciate you telling me. But like, make her explain your feelings of like, regardless of whatever I do with him, like he's a part of my life. And as someone who's so important, so this about me, it hurt my feelings. I need to talk to him about this, regardless if I stopped sleeping with him or not. I need to get this off my chest because all I see when I'm with him or all I feel is that thing he said, and I need to like say it, know I need to get it out how would you feel

if it was said about you with someone that you were so close to and you know why are you protecting him in a sense because like she's protecting herself because I'm trying to protect him but she wants to tell you like everyone should just grow up be adults and your friend your girlfriend should should just be able to go to him like be like, well, you shouldn't have said that about Lindsay. And I had to tell her how, imagine how, if you care about Lindsay, like I care about Lindsay, you would understand that I told her that you said this, right? Yeah. Yeah. If everyone's real, if we're all real friends in this circle of friends, the right thing everyone should understand is that he made the mistake by saying that, and it's fine. It's a mistake. And

maybe he just said it and he wasn't, know he's not an evil cruel person but he just he wasn't considering your feelings and he was being honest and it's okay that she told him because you know she what she should have said in that moment and she should have spoke up right then and there and said well if you feel that way about lindsey i think you should say that to her and i don't think you should treat her that way and by the way if you don't tell her i will yeah okay but she's no i think sorry go ahead no yeah but like listen we're we're talking about what other people should do in this situation so but i think you should it's fair for you to have that expectation so i think you should communicate that with her uh as far as he is concerned um it's it's tough i mean listen you know you're not as

confused about why he's sleeping over or why he wants to go to the grocery store this is a very complicated relationship that doesn't have a lot of good communication right and so and i think no yeah that's like the biggest i think the big key factor is the lack of communication on his end but also my end yeah you're both wanting to say the wrong thing as a friend to lose that relationship i mean it might right you guys are like once you start sleeping with each other and also you're pretending that you don't have romantic feelings with the guy i'm not saying you're in love with him but let's not pretend that you might not be open the possibility if you felt if he made you feel like his number one choice so yeah well i'm gonna flash forward really quickly so like that was a couple months ago

and we flash forward to literally last weekend when he full-on confessed all his feelings for me oh my god sorry just leave that out and it's been like one of those slow it's been one of those slow progressing things where like he'll say something here and there but the other like a couple weeks or last weekend he finally was like i realize i don't just like you i have feelings for you i've never felt this way about anybody except for a few people in my life and you're just special to me. And I'm one that is very reserved with my feelings and very reserved when I express my feelings. And he knows that. So I was like, I mean, this is big for me, but like, I obviously have feelings for you. I like you.

And he was like, but I was like, but you tell me this when you're drunk or a long night out or something like that. And you're not or we were a long night out or something like that and you're not remember it and so the next morning he was like hey remember when i told you i have feelings for you yeah they're still there but now yeah but now at that point now we're at this point where what are we doing now because he's still also sleeping with other people and she can't stop thinking about that comment he made so yes and i can't stop thinking about that comment he made. Yes, and I can't stop thinking about that. All right, so I just want to make sure we all are on the same page here. All this happened.

Fast forward. He confesses his love. He's drunk. He maybe has a pattern of at least saying things when he's drunk. But the next morning, he verified his feelings. You reciprocated and said, yeah, I also have feelings for you. And then what? Nothing happened?

You just kind of like, all right, well, have a good day. I'm going to keep fucking other people. Basically, yeah, that's how it's been going. So it's like driving me nuts because I know we're still talking to other people who ended up sleeping with one of my friends in a different friend group a couple, like a month ago. And it's just one of these like things

where I'm confused with, if you're telling me this, like, what do you want from this? Like he's saying how like, he knows that I'm thinking about moving sometime soon, but just signed a six-month lease so i'm here for another six months kind of thing like why can't we live in the moment and why are you putting these excuses out he said this of why can't we explore like more than like us just hooking up on the weekend like i feel uncomfortable texting during the week to be like hey come over have a

glass of wine well yeah all right so like you you you little tough love you both kind of need to grow up a little bit here and you need to communicate right you're just making a lot of excuses and you're you're you're very confused about how you should do things and you're operating out of fear you know you're operating out of this fear of like losing what you have but you're also just not comfortable with what you actually have like what you have right now is fine but but it's not what you want. You clearly should trust your gut because it sounds like you don't really trust him. And I don't mean like trust him that he would lie to you or ultimately would be there for you if you need him,

but you don't trust him in terms of how he really feels about you because it seems like he, as a lot of young men do and a lot of people do, will respond also out of fear of, he wants to have his cake and eat it too, right? And so he does care about you, probably does in his own way love you, but is he ready to commit to you? Is he ready to give up all this other stuff? I don't know if he even has the answer to that.

But I think subconsciously he knows how to say just enough to keep you around. And he knows you well enough enough and he's very good at that and you know you probably both have this understanding and again it's not like you're both kind of manipulating each other and you've kind of created this your relationship's a bit of a relationship monster in a sense of that you both have developed how you guys communicate and that is in a very poor way right and he knows that subconsciously you do that and so like it's like when you give an inch you take a foot so you know i'm not saying you know he's manipulating the situation and maybe not consciously and you guys are both doing that

you do that over time if you get comfortable how to not communicate and so he's doing just enough to keep you around he's saying just enough if really loved you, if he really wanted to be with you, he would not, you would, you would commit to each other. You would stop sleeping with other people. You would have a relationship and you don't have a relationship and you shouldn't be confused about a relationship you're in regardless of whatever that relationship is. And you guys are very confused of the relationship you have. So it's not a relationship that you want. It's just a kind of slightly toxic and very confusing one. So you just need to hold yourself accountable because that's the only thing you can control

of how you communicate to him, right? The risk you run is that he is going to have a habit of when you occasionally, and it seems like you occasionally do it, stand your ground and you kind of speak your truth, he has a pattern of knowing what to say to appease you in that moment. And then you just kind of react to that moment,

but you're not really holding yourself accountable for the big picture. You're thinking at a micro level and you need to think of more of a macro level in terms of what you want in your relationship. And so, yeah, you really need to, you need to, one, and we've said this before, you need to be able to lose him, right?

You need to be okay with the possibility of losing him in your life, right? And only until have you accepted the possibility of, even though I love him and in a big picture, I want to be with him, I need to first define what I want in a relationship and what I deserve, right? And that is your foundation of what you is really important.

And you focus on that. And that's priority number one is meeting your needs and expectations of you and yourself. And then you look at him in that relationship. And based off those top priorities that you have defined and prioritized, then you present that to him and say, this is what I want. This is what I deserve. And then he will like say whatever he thinks he should say which was going to in the moment sound really nice and you like fine but you say no well just so you know priority number one is i want to be in a relationship

with someone who only wants to be with me and you need to absolutely before anything else address what he said that is number one i mean like all this other stuff that i'm rambling about and giving you all these things that you have to go back and listen to because I'm saying a lot is more than anything, you need to talk to him about the thing he said and you need to tell him how it made you feel. And, you know, and your other friend needs to get over it and she needs to understand that and she should. She should understand that. And you should address that.

I think at this point I can do that. Yeah. And you should address that. And you need to get a habit of going forward when things come up to just say it say how you feel don't hide it don't make excuses don't like don't ignore your don't ignore your gut you're doing a lot of that i mean number one you're more than anything you're just ignoring your gut there's probably a million cases with him and your interaction with him is that something feels wrong you've been really good at just pushing it away and making excuses and like putting up with it and and and and not doing the things that you want because it's been slightly

uncomfortable and you're it's uncomfortable because you're just not good at saying what you want uh yeah so start doing that okay i think no it's definitely something i'm like, right, is my internal issues of not being able to speak up and kind of in what you're saying, like in the moment of just enjoying that moment, but not really enjoying it, because I am not saying what I need to say. Yeah, yeah, you're, you're, we've all been there, you're comfortable in that moment. It's like, you know, and I get it right. And in that mindset, you'll, what you'll, what you'll do is like, you'll be a couple of days where you're ruminating about something and it's giving you anxiety and you're trying to guess what he's thinking and you're, you're wanting him to do something. And so you're like pining over these actions and then he'll do one

of, or say, or do something that makes you feel good or better and it just like it it you're like oh okay god good i'm not crazy i'm not okay good he likes me and then all that other stuff that you were still you just kind of push away you're like fine let's go to the movies yeah and you're just happy in that moment and you're happy in that moment because it's like it just it's just enough right and then it starts over right because then he leaves and then you do the same thing over and over and you need to have the courage to address the whole relationship you almost in a way kind of have to reset this relationship you need to start over and you need to like yeah and kind of decide and like what you can't do and what's on you is decide do you want to be in a relationship with this guy or do you want to be friends with this guy and you're trying to kind

of have both and you're trying to be like well if it doesn't end ultimately end up in us being together i still want to save the friendship most likely that's probably not realistic at this point and even if even if like you both pretend that it could happen and even if you guys are fine with it your relationship is so complicated that if either of you meet someone else your significant others are probably going to have a problem, and rightfully so, with you guys being pals, right? Yeah, for sure. You will find someone else to be there for you for all the things that he's there for you now, and vice versa. So just be realistic about that and decide what you really want in the relationship, and then reset. And then again, prioritize what you want and what you need in a relationship,

and then present that to him and see if he's willing to do that. But stop making excuses for him. Stop letting him make excuses. Stop being okay with him making you feel in the moment. You should feel comfortable long term. If he feels good in the moment, you should pause right there and think, how am I going to feel when this moment's over? When we say goodnight to each other and we're done. And I don't like when the moment's over. You know, when we say goodnight to each other and we're done. And I don't like when the moment's over. Yeah.

I don't like that feeling. Think about like, all right, I feel good right now. I'm about to have sex with him. We're going to go to a movie. We're going to hang out. We're going to go all day.

We're going to go to a shop. We're going to play house for the next 12 hours. How am I going to feel in 15 hours? My guess is you usually feel pretty shitty at hour 15

right after, you know. Oh no. Because you're kind of being wonderful. What is that? Where's he going? What am I doing? And you know, cause you're kind of like, well, what is that? Where's he going? What am I doing?

Like, and you know, the next three or four days you're going to like, think about it and then like, wait for him to show up again. Takes, you know, no,

that's literally, that's literally the definition of what's going on here. So stop doing that. Yeah. Um, and yeah, he has his actions, but you, you need to start. It's, it is on you at this point and it is about figuring it out what you want and you need to have the courage to hold

them accountable and then you guys need to address the fact that hey we don't communicate very well and if you you know like you know he's not an asshole he's not trying to be a dick but you have helped him create to him you've him. You've created a monster. You know? Yeah, no. That's the thing we hide behind our phones because we'll talk every day via text over the most random small things,

but we can never get to this one-on-one ability to talk with each other. When we're together with the big group, it's more if it's late at night after we've been drinking kind of thing. that's our that's from what i've like said to him like this is our biggest problem we can't communicate yeah and then it's just what does he say when you what does he say when you say that i'll say like i know i know like we'll start communicating better so like his way was oh text you more but the texts are just so

i mean it's great to talk to someone, especially like someone that you like, but it's just not anything with any depth. It's just... Yeah, explain to him that it feels good when he expresses his feelings for you. And explain to him that it's great when he expresses words of love and feelings. That's fine. But when he doesn you know expresses like words of love and feelings that's fine but when he doesn't

follow through when he doesn't show it when he it take it waters it down he's really good at saying things that sound nice but he's not good at showing that he means the things he says um you know and try to do in a way that's not kind of attacking. You know, it's always challenging in these kind of conversations. Yeah, I think that's my, like, inner of, like, I don't want this to come across as, like, an ultimatum or any sort of thing. It's just kind of, like, I want to know, like, a consistency here. Like, what's on his mind? Keep in mind, that's fine, and you do.

You want to communicate in a way where he won't get defensive, ideally, but you might not be able to control that. Your first priority should be what you want and what you need in a way where he won't get defensive ideally but you might not be able to control that your first priority should be what you want and what you need in a relationship so as long as that priority isn't sacrificed then try to find it to communicate but like if that is if if your want to needs in relationship uh are sacrificed by you being the cool chick and by you not making him mad, then that's not okay. Yeah. So you got to trust your gut, which is what you want,

because this is only, this will never end unless you do something about it. No, I appreciate that. So. Thank you, Lindsay. Thanks for coming. Good luck, Lindsay.

Thank you so much, guys. I really appreciate it. You're going to be fine. Yeah. Thank you. It, guys. I really appreciate it. You're going to be fine. Yeah. Thank you. It's on you right now. Think about hour 15. Yeah.

Hour 15. Yeah. Hour 15. That literally is going to be on my head because I'm on hour like 36 by now. Okay. Yeah. All right. Don't give in to the moment.

Thank you so much. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. Bye-bye. Have a good one. You too.

I mean, listen, how often are friends with benefits really friends with benefits? It's so complicated. We complicate it. Well, usually because we're just lying to ourselves. We're lying to ourselves. I mean, it's complicated because we complicate it because we call it friends with benefits because it's like we're friends with benefits. But like, I mean, I love them.

But like. Right. But I love him. Yeah. I mean, you know, she, the call opens up where she's just like, oh no, we're totally cool. We're totally friends with benefits. I mean, it's definitely friends with benefits and it's, it ends with, it's completely not friends with benefits.

Yes. Yes. I've never felt like this with anyone else. Yeah. The truth is, I don't really know. I don't know how he really feels about her based on what he said. Yeah, it's definitely iffy.

It might not even be iffy. He might really, in a way, love her, right? And, you know, they're both still young. Yeah. You know, guys will just keep looking even though if they found something because they don't i don't know i mean also it is like listen if you're gonna make yourself um so cool and so available that people will take advantage i've done that so many times i mean it just it's just human nature yeah you. You know? Yeah. The reason why he expresses his words of love when she pulls away is because he's afraid.

He is. He's 100% afraid of losing her. Yeah. If he lost her, he would really struggle. I don't know if he, you know. Is there a way, do you think, to go from friends from benefits, friends with benefits to a relationship? Like, is that a path?

Is there a path? Sure. Yeah. It's called talking. I don't know. But there is like a lot of hurt, like, oh, you were sleeping with a lot of people. I mean, I don't have a,

like maybe I feel differently about sex now than when I was 24, 25. I think that might be hard, but like, I don't know. Like, listen, they know they have slept with other people. Yeah. 24, 25. I think that might be hard, but like, I don't know. Like, listen, you're, they, they know they have slept with other people. Yeah. So like, you just have to acknowledge it. It's more about, I don't feel like that would, I don't feel like that would be the hard part

in front of benefits because you already know. And now finally, for the first time, you know, that they're not ideally right. I'm committing to you and I don't want to sleep with anyone else. Yeah. And that, I, that thought should, I guess, give you confidence. But usually, like in this situation, because usually in friends with benefits, it's always the one person has a stronger feeling. The other person just likes the fuck. Here, there's clearly feelings on both sides. But he doesn't, he is, like the fact that he said that the second best thing is i mean that was

honest of him that she knows she he's she's always there she's always there and he wants like listen i mean listen ideally i mean i'm not here to talk about like the open relationship whatever but like a lot of guys if you gave them the freedom to sleep with other people and still made them sandwiches, they would probably take you up on that offer. You know? Yeah. It was like at least half.

Yeah. So like stop. Stop being the girl that's always there. Stop making them sandwiches and being there for them and like, you know, going, like stop playing house with the people that you know yeah if yeah just don't don't do that so that's the path what's going on how's it going hi i'm lisa i'm 37 lisa 37 how can we help you Lisa 37 great smile yeah thank you so back when my husband and I were still dating and living together there was a period of time when we broke up and I decided

to stay in the area I moved out of his place and when I was ready to start dating again I met this guy that he knew because they were stationed together. They were, they're both in the military. Okay. So me and this new guy started hanging out, hooking up, going on dates, seeing each other on the regular with our mutual friends. But over the course of a year and a half, we never really defined our relationship. And it just kind of diminished into a friends with benefits type relationship. uh friends with benefits study type relationship and um i eventually put an end to the hooking up and he got back with his ex i got back with my now husband fast forward through six years of marriage baby can we time out were you married the first time with your now ex-husband or you

were just dating your now husband oh no i was dating my now husband okay so he was just a boyfriend at the time it wasn't like you got divorced or separated at the time right okay all right so now fast forward that stopped and you got back together with your first boyfriend you got married and now you have a family yes okay and then i find out that they're going to be stationed together again okay and i can't decide whether or not i should tell him that me and his co-worker used to have a thing or if i should just let it go and not say anything and okay they and they so obviously they never they've they don't know they never knew they so the friends the benefit guy knew about me and my husband yeah so he knows yes but my husband doesn't know that there was ever a thing how close are they they're not close they see each other every day at work um but they're not friends they don't hang

out or anything we see each other at work functions did she mention where they work they're in the military yes naval base right yes yes uh what does your gut tell you my gut tells me not to say anything okay it's been a year, a year and a half that they've been working together. And it's super awkward whenever I see this guy. Do you see him a lot? Do you see him a lot? I'm sorry. Do you see him a lot?

Maybe like once a month. For what reason? Like work events kind of thing? Yeah, there's work events. Sometimes I go to my husband's office to meet him for lunch. Sometimes there's after-hours spouse events. How's everything else going on in the marriage? Everything else good?

Oh, yeah. Everything's great. Our marriage is great. Our kids, we have a great partnership raising our kids together, mutually supportive of one another's careers. When you got back together, have you ever in your relationship when you were dating or married, well, I guess more dating, talked about past partners? No. Ever?

No, he's more of the mindset like, I don't really want to know. Has he expressed this to you? He's never asked. Okay. It's a tough call. I mean, there is no right or wrong answer here. And that's why I said, what does your gut tell you? Yeah.

I mean, yes, listen. On one side, I could say like say like well he's your husband you should be able to tell him everything you feel like you're keeping the secret from him there's an argument to be made for that line of thinking at the same time if maybe he some people don't want to know right and then so here you are um you might tell him something he's like why did you tell me this you know i don't know clearly it sounds like your gut tells you if he found out he would have a hard time accepting it is that true to say that you know this about your husband i think so i mean we don't know the answer

but that that's what you think right and i think that's why i haven't told him and I don't want it to affect his professional relationship with that guy. But how much is this bugging you? How much is it bugging me? Yeah, like... So much so that, I mean, I even had a dream about it last night. Over the many years since I've had this relationship with this other guy i've had countless dreams about it um about him or the secret he's super sexy she said he's super sexy so you you there there's some truth to the fact that when you see him while you love your husband have kids

you wouldn't mind having sex with them one more time uh I mean, yeah, there's some truth to that. Okay. I mean, the sex with my husband is definitely better than the sex with this guy, but I think it was more because there was no... We never established a relationship like we knew we liked each other, but he was still involved with his ex

and my ex was in and out of my life you think that's the reason do i think that's it i mean no i'm saying like why i mean i don't know if that really i guess i don't think that this whole like we didn't establish anything so there's like i don't think you want to be that reason i guess also too like listen i think you maybe just find him attractive and he's kind of sexy and hot and he just you could love your husband and and be having a fine marriage but like i don't know marriage how long you've been married like listen you can there's nothing wrong with saying like marriage is forever in a long time and sometimes like you know like i'm going to be loyal i love my husband but like all things being equal, like I'd like to like, you know, dip my toes in some other water a little bit, you know?

Yeah. And I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I never got closure from that relationship and it just kind of fizzled out. See, I don't, that's why I go back to that. Why do you think that? When closure, why? Also, don't you think that'd be a little scarier if that were the truth and if you really needed closure about some guy you had a brief relationship what about that relationship is is uh not that you feel in that closure because like the idea that you had sex with someone for a period of time and you guys kind of stopped talking is not totally abnormal what about that relationship is is are you pining over

i guess i don't know i guess it's because we never made it official like we never made it an exclusive relationship and in in my mind, I'm always like, why? Why didn't he want me? Why didn't he want me? So it's just your ego. Your ego wants to have validation of why you weren't enough for that guy. And that probably doesn't even mean that has really anything to do with your marriage or your relationship because it sounds like you're happy. But like your ego is a little pissed off. your marriage or your relationship, because it sounds like you're happy,

but like your ego is a little pissed off because you're, when you're, you don't probably, you're not probably not even honest with yourself, but there's a part of you that acknowledges that he, even though we kind of just faded, it felt like at least to my ego that he wanted me less than I wanted him.

And I probably responded to the fact that he gave me less and less attention. So I was like, yeah, well, I'll just fade away and go back to my now husband. But if I'm being really honest with myself, I really liked him. I enjoyed the sex. And if he loved me and gave me the attention I wanted in that moment, I might have still been with him. And that's probably bothering you. And you probably feel a little bit of a guilt right now about that.

But it also is probably mostly just your ego of just wanting that validation and that's also the ego offers excitement it's you know it gives us something to do when we're bored and all of our lives are a little bit boring you know and the fact that she has to see him every day is like a walking manifestation of that right that's just like that's that's that's just dumb luck really it really is right because like you're not and you're you're not alone like this happens to a lot of people this is not like the one who got away but not we don't we don't always get the closure we ultimately desire and we all at times get rejected by by someone everyone gets rejected everyone

don't care who you are or what you look like or how much money you make people will get annoyed with your shit right um and so this happens to everyone and if you're someone who usually gets what you want it can affect you that much harder and so here you are this guy just fucking dumb luck he works with your now and it's just like it also is like gives you something to do when you're bored and we all get bored yeah this is kind of this weird thing that you are probably my guess is if you've created this dramatic story in your head by proximity because it's also like annoying and it bothers you dream about it but it's also like

whatever you know because it sounds like and i'm assuming i you and you dream about it, but it's also like whatever, you know, because it sounds like, and I'm assuming I'm taking you at your word that you love your husband and ultimately things are great. But like, I feel like this is kind of this almost fun thing you're doing for you with yourself. It's kind of entertaining, you know, it makes you feel wrong and naughty, but you're not really doing anything wrong. I mean, yes, ideally, like, because the truth is, I don't know if you should tell your husband, you know, it makes you feel wrong and naughty, but you're not really doing anything wrong. I mean, yes, ideally, like, because the truth is, I don't know if you should tell your husband,

you know, if you don't have that type of relationship, it's a weird time to start now. You know, like if two people are like, I want to know, I want to know, like, I don't care. I recognize you've slept with other people, but like, I just want to know, I don't want to be afraid to know you haven't established that boundary with him. So like, you could tell him it could be really pissed off. If you feel after like if you kind of separate this and you truly figure out that i need to tell you then that might be a choice you need to make but i'm wondering if maybe you're getting caught up in this story because of like this proximity that he works with your husband it really is this kind of a dumb luck situation. And it's probably mostly driven by your ego because like if your husband didn't work with

this guy and he just like moved to like, he was stationed fucking who God knows where he, you probably, you wouldn't be thinking about him. He would just been some guy that you hooked up with and it faded, you know, it's like that happens to all of us i mean you know like so just i guess to help yourself get over it my advice to you is maybe just recognize that and really think about when you did date him as much as you might have liked him just one of those exercises would be like you know maybe like sex was better with my husband uh he was kind of annoying when he did x y Y, and Z. Actually, that kind of does irritate me when he does that.

I find that to be obnoxious. I'm sure things he does that you find annoying, focus on those things. Because my gut tells me you are having fun, obsessing over a situation, because deep down it's something to do. Yeah, I mean, that's totally possible. Unless you're, you're, you're holding something, unless you're like, Oh, by the way, Nick, I'm madly in love with them. Like we're banging. Yeah. Like I'm not getting that from you.

It sounds like he's a guy that you were attracted to and he's around. And in that moment, looking back, your ego remembers a guy who probably broke up with you, even though you technically didn't separate. It just faded. But your ego knows you probably wanted to just keep dating him. And that memory is still there and you're dealing with that memory. So just acknowledge it. Yeah. You've probably never told yourself that. You have this story that you tell people your friends your girlfriends or us

when you call in but yeah we just faded and I didn't get any closure you probably got closure he didn't want to date you he wanted to date his ex and that bugs the shit out of you so acknowledge that and that's probably why is my guess and as far as your husband

not telling him it sounds like maybe don't tell him. Yeah. I don't think you should tell him. Yeah. I think they've been working together for a year and a half now. It's like, why would you're going to deal with a whole lot? Yes.

Now you're telling me. Shit storm. Yeah. That would be pretty messed up. Maybe someday you will tell him because you guys decide to change your relationship. Maybe you guys to say, I feel like we kind of hold back you know and maybe you and your husband you know because clearly i think i listen i'm different for me i if i'm going to be married i just i don't

want secrets i'd rather just know some people don't feel that way i and i'm not you know i don't know if one's right or wrong you know uh you guys are you might be fine, you know, I don't know if one's right or wrong. You know, you guys are, you might be fine with, you know, ignorance is bliss in certain regards. So he doesn't want to. Yeah, I think he's more of the ignorance is bliss thing. And I think you're totally right about the proximity. If they didn't work together, I don't think it would even be an issue. Yeah. You're feeling.

I wouldn't feel compelled to tell him. Yeah, you're feeling more and more guilty about that decision be by by what you're thinking about the whole situation about this kind of like desire and this fascination and this feeling of this need for closure which you don't really need you know your ego thing your ego just keeps tricking you he didn't want to date you he wanted to move on that bugs the shit out of you that was your closure you know yeah the reason why i don't know who knows he was just like someone else better yeah it's you're right it's totally an ego thing and i never thought about it that way before. Yeah, it totally is. So true.

So, yeah, just focus on the things that annoy you. As far as dealing with it, don't obsess over them. When you're bored and you're thinking about the situation, stop doing it. Okay. All right? Yeah. All right. Great.

Best of luck. Thank you. Thank you. All right, take care bye thanks bye i i i what was i saying i was talking about someone just one of my friends about this podcast yeah and i was like they're like well what makes you qualified to give relationship advice i'm like literally nothing i'm just good at it i don't know and they're like well how do you answer questions i go well if i were to summarize all the answers the questions is yeah either comes down to ego or boredom or sometimes both and this this was a call that was perfect because it's driven by both boredom and ego yes it's generally the answer she's a super hot mom super hot mom yeah before she got married she most most guys throwing themselves yeah she usually got her pick of the litter so exactly

and here's this one guy who liked her and and uh faded away yeah she tells a story that is like it just ended i bet if you go back and read and watch that play out we it didn't it he broke up with her you know maybe not directly maybe not in a communicative way but she knows her ego knows and she knows he's he ended that relationship yeah she not she might not know the why i just love these stories in the hospital and on the i like when they're there's a setting for it and people are in uniforms anything that can turn into a porno i guess so anything that can turn into porn so um yeah i mean and it almost sounds like you know we're not married and i think yeah right listen like monogamy is is tough and commitment is tough and uh people always want to think when they're married and they found the one that it's all like

i think sometimes that's why relationships don't work is because we tell ourselves things are perfect and we know they're not and that's okay that they're not perfect. It's okay, yeah. But it's the idea of trying to keep perfection going that makes us, it almost kind of makes it, I guess we don't love each other if it's not perfect. Or maybe it's just like, listen, fuck me, just because you love someone and you want to be with them doesn't mean you're not attracted to other people. Right.

Doesn't mean you don't have a dream about some great sex you had. It would be great if you could tell your partner that, I just had a sex dream. Sure, and some some people can but like when you kind of pretend you don't want to and the whole like do you like every relationship's different and how honest you are with each other yeah i mean i i've had relationships right off the bat i was like well here here i'm an open book and then it was like wow that backfired never oh my god i'm sure oh yeah i mean sure some people don't want another truth even when they say they want another truth uh yeah so it's tough i mean you

know the noble thing would be like oh my god you have to tell your husband but i don't know in her situation if she should but she's making it worse how's it going good hi i'm ashley ashley how old are you i'm 27 27 ashley how can we help so i'm just wondering i've been married for about six years and i have quite a few friends that are guys and my husband is not super cool with it. So I'm wondering, is it okay to have friends of the opposite sex when you're married? And how do you know if the friendship is inappropriate when you're in a relationship or not?

Do you feel like you have any relationships with your guy friends that could be thought of as inappropriate? I don't think so, but my husband has told me that I have. I'm so sad. Okay, well, yeah, there is a difference between the two. It's a juggling act, and I think in any relationship, marriage or otherwise, of what is actually well what's inappropriate um a lot of that is this perspective right i mean there's a fine line between like someone who's like controlling um or delusional or whatever but i mean you know if if that's what a monogamous

relationship means to them then you know that's what it means to them. It's kind of like an upfront expectations. I mean, you guys have been married for six years, you're 27. So clearly, you got married young. So sometimes when you get married young, that doesn't happen in terms of defining what you guys are okay with in a relationship with you're not okay with. Because you get married so young, you were figuring out what you guys are okay with in a relationship with you're not okay with because you get married so young you were figuring out what you guys both value in relationships in with yourselves while you were married that's harder to do it's easier to do when you like you say get married when you're 30 and you've dated other people and you've grown and you've learned and you realize what you like or you don't like right and so the struggle with you guys is you've done that in a relationship um

i'm assuming you haven't had sex with any of these guy friends correct and i don't mean like when you were married i mean like ever no no um my husband's the only one your husband is the only one you've ever slept with yeah okay is he the only one. Your husband is the only one you've ever slept with? Yeah. Okay. Is he the only one? Are you the only one he's ever slept with? Yeah. Okay.

I think it's part of your challenge. There's not much you guys can do about that. The fact that it sounds condescending, but he doesn't know any better. it just sounds condescending, but he doesn't know any better. And there's not much you can do to make him feel differently about it because, you know, like he doesn't have the perspective

of having a partner have friends who are males and having that be okay. And that is a challenge for you. Is he controlling in other ways too um no i think that's probably the only one only way overall you're pretty happy with the relationship in your marriage yeah you thought about that what are what aren't you happy with oh no well i don't know she could just be like i don't he doesn't like the dishes. She didn't sound, yeah. Yeah, but you definitely paused.

What was the pause for? No, he's really great at everything else. It just feels like we fight all the time about this same thing. Okay. When you guys fight, what are your arguments and what are his? Okay, so for instance he once saw a text message come through to my phone from one of my friends and it was just around christmas time and my friend had just gotten divorced and so i sent him a text saying hey i'm thinking about you i hope like the holidays are okay without your kids sure around Christmas time and my friend had just gotten divorced. And so I sent him a text saying,

Hey, I'm thinking about you. I hope like the holidays are okay without your kids. Sure. And he texted back and said, thanks. Hope you're having a good Christmas and whatever. And that was it. And my husband saw it. And then he had accused me of having an emotional affair with this guy. Sure. I mean, I, again, I see it from both sides. And I don't mean, you didn't do anything wrong. What do you see from both sides? I mean, just put yourself in his shoes, right?

He was a virgin. He got married at 21. He doesn't have, I'm assuming, maybe he does, I don't know, not a lot of female friends does he um he works with a couple females but i wouldn't say they're like super close friends maybe not like ashley here right and then all of a sudden he sees a text that says i'm thinking about you you know i mean again i'd sound like i don't think he knows any better. You know, I don't think he, my guess is it's safe to say he doesn't have a, he does lack experience when it

comes to having all these different types of relationships. I mean, again, there's no right or wrong. Like he got married at 21. And if I had gotten married at 21, I've learned so much about social relationships and interpersonal relationships and having friends with benefits, having girlfriends, having just friends of the opposite sex and all these different, I've had so many different types of relationships. So much that I'm not easily threatened by all these other relationships because in a relationship, I can have the perspective to be like, well, this is what's going on. This is why I'm not easily threatened by all these other relationships because in a relationship I can have the perspective to be like, well, this is what's going on. This is why I'm not jealous. And so much of being jealous is insecurity and it's the fear of the unknown. And that's all I'm saying.

I'm not saying he's right. I'm just saying I can see why he could feel that way and he feels like that's happening. He doesn't know any better almost are these guys like both of your guys's friends or exclusively your friend um they're my friends but when i try to like have my husband come meet them or introduce them he like is not he doesn't want to do it and he did it once with a couple of them and he just made up his mind he hated them immediately okay that was a great question because that's your

only the real only solution is to integrate integrate the friends and have them be comfortable now you can't do much about the fact that he if he's unwilling to do that. Have you, you know, and so do you have, do you have female friends as well or is it dominated by your male friends? No, I have a couple female friends. But you connect with a lot of male friends. Where are you meeting these guys? I play a lot of of rec sports with them.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. That's awesome. That's so cool. Let me ask you this. You love your husband. That's great. That's fine.

But with you meeting all these different types of guys in the past six years, I'm guessing there's probably various qualities that they have that you might not be getting out of your marriage and your husband. And while you love your husband and while everything, I guess, is like all seemingly fine, you've grown to find some of these guys attractive for various reasons. And you haven't maybe crossed the line and maybe you haven't pined over or thought about them and nothing's necessarily inappropriate but you are drawn to them for a reason yeah

but not but like yes and no no listen you're not I'm not shitting over getting married young but it comes with a price and there comes with a price with getting married late. I mean, like, listen, it's like anything you, you, there's always a react count of cause and effect, right? If you're going to get married young, you're going to get married with limited experience to what life has to offer. Marriage

is about sacrificing commitment to get married and be in a monogamous relationship. By definition, you are saying no to all these other things because you love someone. And that's kind of the beauty of a marriage. Well, when you do it at 21 and you do it three years after you become a legal adult, you can only have so much life experience. And so when you're literally saying no to all these different types of people you would otherwise met and connected with and maybe have intimate relationships, you know, you have to do that in other ways. So you're not, I don't think you are emotionally cheating or doing anything wrong, but you are

getting value out of it. And that's not wrong either. But there's, again, your husband can probably sense that. That's a challenge. I'm not saying he's right or wrong, but like that's just seeing his side. How you guys, you know, again, I agree with Rochelle. The best way to try to do that is to integrate. If he's not willing, you have to try to find some common ground. He's not wrong. That's why, like, I'm defending because I think the first reaction is to assume he's some common ground. He's not wrong. That's why I'm defending

because I think the first reaction is to assume he's some controlling husband. I don't, not necessarily. Yeah. You know, we don't know enough to make that statement, but it's not completely out of this world to empathize and recognize

why he might be threatened or why he's uncomfortable with his wife having all these guy friends. That she met at rec co-ed. I'm not saying she's doing anything wrong, but I guarantee you, while you're not emotionally cheating, you're getting something out of it.

And you're getting something from them that you're not getting from your husband. And we all know ourselves. We all know we're not good at what we're good at. And he probably senses that. And jealousy comes know ourselves. We all know we're not good at what we're good at. And he probably senses that. And it's, that's, jealousy comes from insecurity. And he's insecure about these guys that you're meeting your friends with that have qualities that he doesn't have. And you enjoy that about them.

You know? And because, you know, that's, it is what it is. How you guys go about it, I mean, you, you know, I can't imagine getting married at such an early age and not, even in a healthy, nice relationship, not needing to get marriage counseling or therapy because you guys need to process what it's like to like try to, you know,

if you're going to get married at an early, you have to figure out a way to still feel like you both can, as a couple and as individuals, experience life. And do that in a way where you both feel like you're committed to each other and have each other's backs and you're both faithful to each other. And I think that can be very hard to navigate. through each other and i think that can be very hard to navigate and i think a lot of couples to do that just push experiences away because they don't they don't know it's hard to do but like you know there's that conundrum you know my parents talk about a lot my parents love each other they have a great relationship and a great marriage um they're experiencing things for the first time as a couple in in their late 50s and early 60s because they just got married, started having kids, and just only had each other.

And that's great there, but you're not wrong for making friends, and you're not wrong for being active and doing recreational sports. And you're meeting people, and that's fun and exciting. Yeah, it's great. Does he play sports too too does he want to play sports with you i mean the best thing to do too is try to make friends that he's making friends with as well yeah at the same time the problem is you're making them first you know and then you're trying to introduce your husband to these friends that you already have and he's like how did you meet these people when did this happen happen? You know? Mm-hmm.

So like, does he like to play rec sports with you? Does he like to do things with you? He doesn't like to do it with me. Okay. That's on him a little. He gets embarrassed and thinks that I,

yeah. Because you're really good? Are you really good? Um, no. Why does he get embarrassed? Um, well, um no why does he get embarrassed um well he gets embarrassed well so i played in college so you are so he gets embarrassed because he feels like he doesn't fit in and that'll laugh at him or okay well so you go like do you what do you guys like to do as a couple

we like that includes other people watch sports okay well you need to as a couple find activities you like to do together with other people all right it can't be something that you like to do with other people i'm not saying you have to give that stuff up either yeah but right now it sounds like your hobbies don't include him and then the hobbies that include other people don't include him and the hobbies that you guys like together don't include anyone else you know and so you have these two different worlds you're operating in and again once again i don't like i i can empathize why he would be intimidated by that. When he, when you feel like your partner has this whole world that you're

really not a part of. I mean, don't you think that's a, like they say it's the best relationships you have your own lives. Totally. But when it's so, when it's two different silos and there's no interacting and there's no balance. Yeah. Again, I, i when i wasn't married but when i when i was young and i had a serious relationship i i went through something similar like this okay okay we all have in a sense that like we we you know my first girlfriend you learn a lot about each other and you you're you're growing up together in a committed relationship and And she would have all these friends. I didn't know them at all. And it really bugged me.

And I just was like, I felt like, you know, and I felt like she was doing it on purpose. And I think she was, you know, because again, your experience, like you're young and you were young. You were definitely young three or four years ago and yet you were married. And so you're trying to, again, trying to be faithful and be a good wife or a good husband but at the same time me like well i like meeting new people and new friends it's exciting and you know and i kind of like this for me it's mine you know i think right now yes i think there's a balance in having your hobbies but i think you have such a separation and like the things that you like to do with other people he you know he he feels like insecure and and judged i mean god what a relatable thing

that he he does so i i think you need to try to find things that you guys like to do as a couple that you both enjoy that include other people so that you can both meet people and have groups for friends so he feels less intimidated by it he's just threatened by these guys that's why he doesn't want to get to know them and that's why he thinks they're stupid you know um and i can i can understand why you know it doesn't make it right i'm not defending i'm not saying right or wrong you're not saying he's controlling you know so i'm i'm assuming he's not controlling he's just very insecure about this and he's very insecure about these men and he wants to be enough for you and and it's not that he's not but like in a way it's almost impossible to be enough because like

you both need to like meet other people not necessarily to sleep with or have like romantic affairs with but like just it's just fun to meet different types of personalities and especially it's not it's not 1980 or 1907 anymore in a world where we have so much access to personalities and social media it's you're more drawn to meet different personalities and it's hard to like push those feelings away um so yeah that's what i would would to do. He needs to try to still play sports with you. He needs to get better at facing his insecurities and fears about like, even if he doesn't like it, he still insists to try to do it.

And you just, even though if he doesn't want to do it, you need to keep asking him. So you probably stopped asking him is my guess. You probably just enjoy and you probably like your free time too. So maybe there's a balance in having your free time, but make him always feel welcomed. Even if he says no. People still want to be wanted at the parties, even to the parties they don't want to go to. So keep asking. And then try to figure out things.

It is hard because we do have kids, so it's like we have to, one of us has to be home with the kids most of the time. Babysitter. Babysitter. These are called excuses now. So we can do that, yes. Yeah, that's a good goal. I'm not saying it's always going to be easy and convenient, but you need to find ways to make each other a priority.

Yeah. I mean, if you're going to have these various problems, right, you can either just have them continue to be problems that you constantly argue about, or you can try to find solutions. So, yeah, babysitters, you know, there are things you can do, right? Like what you guys are going through, I'm guessing is probably very relatable to anyone listening who's been married young. And it's a challenge. And that challenge is that

guilt you might feel by experiencing life without your husband or wife. And that doesn't mean you're cheating, you know, or emotionally cheating or physically cheating, but they don't understand it and they get insecure and they feel threatened. So they project their insecurities. You guys need to try to make each other not feel threatened and you need to always invite them and always include them and then do it at the same time. And then slowly but surely get better. And then maybe it's therapy. Maybe it's couples therapy to do this and have these conversations together. Again, man, I can't imagine how hard it is to try to grow as people and as individuals

and as a couple at the same time. And the things that you liked and are passionate about at 21 are gonna be different at 26 and they're gonna be even more different at 35. And you guys always make sure that you guys are bringing each other along with each other.

And sometimes it's okay to ask for help as a couple. It's good that we're talking here, but he's not on this call either, right? So I think as a couple, maybe you guys should go talk to people. We have to. Oh, you have to. Keep doing that. Yeah. But I do have a question about that um like growing individually and together because i feel like as i get older i'll like do things

and he'll say something like i don't even know who you are anymore you've changed so much and like these kinds of things and i'm like well i'm well of course i'm not the same person i was when i'm 21 but like oh how what do you do there i don't know well there's probably one it's something people say when again they're insecure or threatened uh it's and it might be something they just say and and there also might be some truth to it right my guess is you're generally the same person you were at 21, but you do have some differences. And part of the reason they might feel that way is because you might not be including him as much as you could.

And then maybe you're using the excuse that he's, I don't know, right? But I'm just giving you scenarios is that you probably like a little bit and rightfully so some of this free time that you have. You probably like the ability to make friends with some of these guys that you're not necessarily doing anything wrong with, but like you couldn't do if your husband was sitting next to you, you know? And he just, he feels that. He feels threatened and insecure.

He can sense it, you know? Women might be more intuitive, but it doesn't mean guys aren't, you know? And so it's just a real challenge when you get married younger and so there is some truth to it how you what you can do about it is be like all right well don't try not to be um defensive about that because it i i get defensive when i hear stuff like that but try not to be and then asking what he means and then all right fine well i want to be different

he might he might be different too you guys just have to go out of your way to make each other a priority you know um it's inevitable that you're going to be different people at 27 and 21 to your point but like do you guys still want to get to know each other right like couples even if you've been in a long distant relationship can lose touch you become you can become more distant and you guys might have to reconnect even as couples sometimes you just think that's a four like sometimes you take that for granted well we're married we're husband and wife you have kids together so we must know everything about each other you might not you might have grown apart you might have become closed off you might be telling your some of your guy friends more than you're telling your husband he He probably feels very threatened that

some of these guys might know more about you than he does. And there might be some truth to that, right? So you need to communicate with him and make him a priority. And maybe for the time being, you maybe need to shut some of these guy relationships down while you reconnect with your husband. And then if you want to have other friends your life that is good to do and have your independence but you know your marriage does come first if you want to be married and you guys need to be on the same page okay so it's tough you know but uh it's good that you're trying to work on it and there's you know um i'm guessing probably a lot of people listening are relating very much to your story and I think it's just okay

sometimes you have to admit to yourself and to each other that we are different and that's okay and that can be scary but it's not uncorrectable you can always reconnect with people friends reconnect people lose touch and become great friends again you can still do that with your husband

but you have to acknowledge it and then address it and then make them a priority again you know stop fighting about that you know right now put put these guy friends aside you know they aren't they aren't your husband you can you should still have friends and some of them can be guys, but you know, uh, you need, it needs to be on the same page. Okay. Well,

best of luck, Ashley. I, I, uh, I'm rooting for you. It's a challenge, but you just have to communicate.

Thanks for calling in. Okay. Thank you. All right. Keep, keep, keep getting, uh,

getting, keep getting counseling. All getting counseling all right all right bye i see where you're coming from from your advice but like everything in me is like no like you should be allowed to have your own friends and do your own things and have your own activities and sure but i think you're saying that uh and we're similar who's 33 and single yeah no i'm just saying like right imagine the i don't know if you had a boyfriend at 21 yeah i was very no i was very jealous of the women he hung out with imagine marrying that person and now being 33 and how likely how different are you as a person? Oh yeah, 100%. Right? Yeah. And I think this is not,

I don't think this is a question about saying she should or shouldn't have friends. Right. My gut tells me that she's become closer with these guy friends than her husband. If we're keeping it super real, my gut tells me there's some guys out there that know more about her

than some of the things her husband knows. Oh, okay. Yeah. You know, she's made, you know, she probably is a different person. All these things that she says he said sound like very reasonable insecurities that he might have.

Okay. That doesn't make him controlling. Okay. And he feels very threatened. And there's, again, I think there's no one to blame. I'm not saying she's doing anything wrong. I'm not saying he's doing. I think they are two, a young couple

who have grown apart for a variety of reasons. And if they still love each other, need to find a way to reconnect. And for the time being, I'm saying she might have to put some of these friendships on pause. If you are gonna be married, regardless whatever age you get married, you still have to put some of these friendships on pause. If you are going to be married, regardless, whatever age you get married, you still have to prioritize each other's marriage is about sacrifice.

You can't get married and expect to have all the freedom you had as a single person. Regardless, it doesn't make your partner controlling by saying, if you want to be with me, there's some things you have to give up. And it is a balance though. In a marriage, you should hopefully have independence and freedom and you should be but you should be on the same page but if you're doing it independently without like being on the same page with your partner it's going to cause these problems if you allow yourself to grow apart you know they're going to feel threatened and insecure yeah all right how's it going hi i'm rachel i'm 26 how's it going? Hi, I'm Rachel. I'm 26.

How's it going, Rachel, 26? Hello. So, okay, I work at a local engineering firm, and we have about five company cars. And my phone automatically hooks up to the Bluetooth, as well as five other people. Okay. And so, sorry? I said okay, yeah. So one day I was getting into the car and I turned on my Bluetooth, or I turned on the car, and normally my Bluetooth hooks up to the car automatically.

But this time, one of my co-worker's phone had hooked hooked up before mine so i think he was in close vicinity okay and um his display name popped up so i knew who it was and i heard a female voice on the phone and i assumed right away it was his wife um the conversation was a little bit probably not work appropriate, but I tried to disconnect and didn't think anything of it. I just really assumed it wasn't live. And because his phone had hooked up to the Bluetooth, he stopped being able to hear her. And so he said, hello, I can't hear you. But he said her name. Time out.

Can I interrupt for a second and i think i understand what's going on but you were in the car but he wasn't he was like five or ten feet away and he didn't realize that the the car connected and right it's almost like when someone hangs up the phone but you keep talking and they don't realize yeah i think i only for the people listening this is this is what's happening this because it at first i was like he was in the car with you and why didn't he just interrupt so all right so it connects on the phone you're in there he's not in the car he's not in the car okay somewhere else i can't see him all right um i just know that he is on a conversation with a lady I'm assuming is his wife.

Sure. Okay. Based on the conversation that they're having. And so I right away tried to disconnect and connect my phone, but I wasn't familiar. It's not my car, so I wasn't familiar with how to do that efficiently. And he said her name and the name that he used was not his wife's name. And I know that because I know her and I know him. We do family events for work and everything.

And so I knew right away that was not her name. And so I just froze. I drove away. And as soon as I drove far enough, the phone disconnected. And I wasn't going to do anything about it. But she comes in and I see her and I see him and it's just awkward. He doesn't know I know. She has no idea about anything.

And so I guess my question is, do I say anything? Do I talk to him? Do I talk to her? Do I talk to her? I don't see her frequently, but she does come in and it's just so hard to make eye contact with her. I feel like I'm hiding

something from her. What was actually said? Can you give us some details in the call? Like meeting up later and, you know, some sexual things like what um like i don't know just just what they were going to do later when they met up i would really love it if you could describe in detail what that said.

They were just talking about sex. Like they wanted to have sex together. Great. All right. Well, I mean, that's important because if you're like, he was talking to a girl and, you know, it sounded like they were flirting, but maybe not, you know, but it was obvious to you that there was, if it's not his wife, some clearly inappropriate lines were crossed.

Yeah. Yeah. And just out of curiosity, when it did hook up with Bluetooth, how long did this go on for before he realized that the phone connected? Because if your phone hooks up with a Bluetooth, you can keep talking, but you can't hear them. It was probably only about 30 seconds. She was talking for a while before he chimed in and realized that he wasn't listening to her anymore. Yeah. And so does he, do you wonder if maybe, well, I guess you wouldn't really know if he wonders if maybe what happened or.

He just said, hello, are you there? I can't hear you. And then I had driven away by then. And so the phone had disconnected. How close are you with this coworker and his wife? Is it really just, you know, them through work? Yeah, I really just, we're just only coworkers. They're not friends.

You're not really friends. I'm not friends with them. I've only talked to them at i've talked to her only at events that we've had um as a work but i see him every day i interact with him on a daily basis yeah listen um the absolutely the right thing to do for your sake selfishly for you is to not say anything um if you want to be the good samaritan and like a saint or whatever i mean fine but like this is a work situation it doesn't involve you you're not close friends you heard something you weren't supposed to hear i don't think you really want to involve

yourself in like workplace drama uh you have no idea how he might react to this i don't know i don't you know and so what a strange situation it's a strange situation but like i i it is definitely best for you to not say something um especially because you weren't supposed to hear it and also like you you don't really know but like imagine you could let's say you want to do the right thing. Maybe in that is give him the benefit of the doubt so you address him. If you don't really know him and you're not friends with him

and you don't have a good relationship, it's going to make your life harder because I don't know this guy, but he would have to, I mean, he's a guy who cheats on his wife potentially. So that's already a red flag of someone, you know, he's selfish. So that's something that I would be, I would feel more intimidated by getting myself in conflict with someone who, whose moral judgment is in question.

And so now you're working with this person how got who knows how they react you could you know they get defensive they think that you're out to get them i don't fucking know yeah but i'm just saying like if you're looking at upside downside specifically for you at work there is very little upside and there's a lot of potential downside um again so but if you want to do the right i guess you could but like you have so you still have a very little information here to involve yourself in something yeah and while unfortunate and sad i mean it doesn't sound like anyone's life's in danger or or like i mean it's an unfortunate situation for his wife per se, but like she might be already suspecting something who knows, but like it, this is drama that really might not

be best for you to involve yourself in, especially because it's, it's, it's at work. If this was like anything outside of work or maybe it was like a mutual friends or whatever, like then fine, you could like have fun with it and do the right thing and be involved in the drama. But if this is a job that you like, and it's a job you want to keep, I think it's best to stay out of the drama of people's personal lives. Yeah. And I just, I feel so bad because she comes in and she brings their son and she'll bring them Starbucks. And I mean, I interact with her pretty little. And I just, I think you're right.

I need to not say anything, especially because I do like my job. But just, I get so uncomfortable when I'm with all of them together and I know something and they don't know I know. Yeah, listen, that sucks. But you just got to put outside of my if you really want to do something if you need to do something do it anonymously and which kind of sucks the person hearing because if i got like an anonymous postcard you really think she should i'm not saying she should but if she if you feel morally convicted conflicted like i would want to know if this was me and it really

bugs me and i just need to get this off my chest then do it anonymously like send a note send him a note let him know like don't don't reveal yourself but like hey this is a situation something's going on i'm not suggesting you do this but if you can't get over it if you can't like and i think you can get over it i think you can just let it go um but if you can't get over it, if you can't like, and I think you can get over it. I think you can just let it go. But if you can't do it, like, I just think that you run my, there is no upside for you personally at work to get involved. And there's a lot of downside. Yeah.

Yeah. And if you need to, like, if you want to do the right thing, the moral thing, then, then, then do it anonymously. It is not your responsibility to involve yourself. So if you need to let them know, you can do that by sending a note or sending an email. If it's from an email, don't have it be from yours. Create a whole new email address. Give specifics and then let it go. But that's it.

Okay. Yeah. But at the end of the day, it's not your responsibility. Yeah. Yeah. Well, listen, it's a fine line because, you know, we live in a world where if you can do the right thing, you should do it, right? And if we all went around this world saying it's not my problem, the world wouldn't be

a better place. So I know I'm being a bit contradicting here. My answer is very much driven the fact that this is a workplace environment for you. And you have to you should you need to protect yourself because you could be affected negatively. If all things were equal, that it wouldn't impact you whatsoever, then my my answer would be probably different. But this could affect you if you involve yourself you don't really know if it could so that's why you need to think about that you know and so um you could let her know anonymously you could you could do that well his his position is higher than mine too yeah i wouldn't want you definitely should you definitely should not reveal yourself and involve yourself you can do it anonymously but really make sure you cover your tracks uh

listen she's gonna listen he he they're gonna find she's gonna find out someday yeah if not from you or maybe she knows maybe it's an open relationship yeah that's the thing could be an open relationship you You don't really know. So protect your job and protect you. But in the grand scheme of life, sure. If you can help your fellow man without it hurting you, then you should do that. So, all right?

Yeah. All right. Well, best of luck. Thanks for calling. It's certainly an interesting story. The Bluetooth scandal. But separate that, you know, work. It's touchy, you know.

Don't create drama for yourself that you're not involved in. You shouldn't have heard that, you know. And it wasn't your fault that you did. Yeah. All right. Okay. All right. Thank you so much.

I appreciate it. No no problem thanks for calling in thank you thank you bye i'll admit that for someone who uh who who uh i don't back away from adversity yeah uh i'm not i don't like drama but i love it you know like i i don't like watching real housewives for the simple fact that everyone's just yelling at each other and yeah productive i love i'm not shitting on the show i hear a lot of people love it i'm just saying but like i can be like i what i'm saying is with her i can see myself wanting to do the right thing but part of me just wants to like involve myself right in a way and also I'm like is it really the right thing to tell like I don't even know if that's true well that's the thing is there's such

she has very little information even though she has a lot yeah who knows you don't know the dynamic of a relationship she wasn't supposed to hear it yeah well this is unfortunate if if it is a cheating situation it's not like anyone's in danger exactly or something like he's not endangering himself or someone else yes exactly and so there is there's so much child downside for her oh yeah i feel like so many of my co-workers have been have done terrible things and i'm just like not my problem because you it's not but i'm saying sometimes we get caught up into it we want it's fun it's fun you know she wants to it's like a murder mystery yeah instead of hunter killer we're you know involve myself in this office drama i know but is it that savior mentality like it's up to me to

save her and it's like it's not really. Yeah, totally. I mean, again, you should always find ways to help people out when you can and do your part, even if it's not your problem. But if there's a lot of potential downside for your own well-being, you should not involve yourself in a situation you're not involved in. People do that a lot. A lot. A lot. They insert themselves and shit has nothing to do with them and then it affects them negatively right right a lot a lot of people do that also people do not react well in those situations usually like no one's ever gonna be like wow

thank you so much for telling me like it's gonna be no yeah she will immediately become a threat to him and even the wife might react badly to her you never know specifically to him someone who has a higher position she becomes a threat and what do we do with threats we eliminate them kill them just you know so she should definitely oh man not well rochelle once again fun episode very fun episode episode what are our takeaways? Boredom and ego. Ooh, boredom and ego.

I like that. Again. Bored. Boredom. Yeah. I don't want to take away from the fact that I don't doubt that she wants to do the right thing and I don't doubt that she is uncomfortable. Right.

It's fun. It's fun. Drama. Drama is fun. Yeah. That's why we watch it. Yeah. We should just watch it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.'s why we watch it. Yeah, we should just watch it.

That's why we involve ourselves. That's why we, I mean, our lives are all boring to a certain degree. True. It is. And that's okay to admit. Yeah. You know, even the most exciting people, what you think is exciting, they get bored too. Yeah.

And we constantly need stimulation and this is definitely stimulation. That is for sure. Stimulation. Stimulation. stimulation and this is definitely stimulation that is for sure stimulation well people thanks again once again for tuning in another fun episode thanks for joining us we always appreciate don't forget to rate us five stars and sending your questions at ask nick at cast media cast with a dot com and uh yeah until next, keep on keeping on. Bye-bye.