The Viall Files - E550 Ask Nick - You’re Addicted to Missing Him

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss the idea of finding the one vs. finally just “picking” someone to spend your life with. Our first caller is wondering if she should warn her ex-husband’s new fiancée about his tumultuous and emotionally abusive past, or if it’s better to watch from the sidelines. They share a son together, so she’s unable to detach completely. Our next caller is still crying over a breakup, 10 months after the fact. She has to figure out how to let go of the failed relationship and her self-pity. Our final caller had a Vegas birthday trip “from hell” that was ruined by one of her friends. Does she address the hurt she caused, and how is she supposed to act as Maid of Honor in her upcoming wedding? “You made promises that didn’t work out. That doesn’t make you a loser.”  If you are interested in running a book club in your city, send an email to: [e-mail]  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Grammarly - The right tone can move any project forward when you get it just right with Grammarly. Go to https://www.grammarly.com/tone to download and learn more about Grammarly Premium’s advanced tone suggestions. Noom - Stop chasing health trends and build sustainable, healthy habits with Noom’s psychology-based approach. Sign up for your trial today at https://www.noom.com/VIALL Hungryroot - Hungryroot is offering The Viall Files listeners 30% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. Just go to https://www.Hungryroot.com/VIALL Article Furniture - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://www.article.com/VIALL and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout.  Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm nick joined by the the team the crew the uh i thought you're gonna use an adjective i want it yeah i wanted to like i feel like we needed the name for the three of you i feel like the audience why'd you roll your eyes because this was like brought me back to when we started working for you and you were like we need a name for the two of you and we just it just never worked no we didn't put the effort in. I feel like we tried. Well, apparently not hard enough.

Okay. Did you know that the best sign or the worst sign, I don't know how you want to call it, of a relationship maybe not working out is rolling your eyes at each one another? No wonder I'm single. Yeah. Anyway, despite Allie's contempt And disgust For this idea

We're open to suggestions Of what we could call The three of you I ran into a TikTok Someone tagged me I like ran into a TikTok I ran into it He was walking on the street

He was like Gelson's But this Hacky your HR Hack your HR First this Chelsea Sh Shack posted this. Someone has been saying all most of my life, are you guys really finding the one, or are we just picking one and going?

And going with it, she says. And this is a Chels underscore Shack, just to give her some credit. You know, talked about being a pickery dater and suggested, it was almost like um it came across as like are we are we just picking people like whatever and and she almost kind of said it was like maybe it's like a negative i don't know hack your hr was the name of her tiktok i'm obsessed with my husband he is obsessed with me we both used to be obsessed with

other people while we're not still obsessed with those other people, there's something really beautiful about being with someone that, like, we have a Hollywood marriage, like a movie, like a, I feel like I hit the lottery with him. Both of us used to be in relationships. Both of them were five years. We felt like that other person was the one, the love of our life, all the things. And ironically, my husband and I both didn't move forward in those other relationships because love isn't enough. You can have chemistry and love, can't eat, can't sleep, world series kind of stuff. And if you don't have aligned values, thoughts on kids, parenting, finances, how you want to spend your free time outside of work,

how you want to work, it will not work. My husband and I have a really strong bond over being in love with each other, being fully aware that we used to have people that we could have picked. We strategically said no to. Are you guys? You know, I just, I agree with everything she said. I mean, it's a lot of things we already talk about on the show on a regular basis.

Like, I do think you have to pick your person every day and as much as chemistry and love is great but compatibility matters you know so like but she just kind of said it a different way and i just yeah it's kind of i think we still have this mindset you know that we just want to meet the one and have destiny introduce us to the person and then we have that peace of mind that they're going to be our person but yeah love is a risk we have we do we literally have to just at some point that they're going to be our person. But yeah, love is a risk. We do. We literally have to just at some point say, I'm going to pick you. I think you're it. You're not perfect because no one is. You have pros and cons, but I think this is what is a good fit for me

because of how I feel about you and how attracted I am to you. And also because it works because I like spending time with you and it's easy and we do have similar goals and we are on the same page with a lot of important things and values and all those things matter and we do someday have to just pick someone and sometimes we have to not pick people we are hanging out with that we really like.

So yeah, it's just sometimes it almost sounds unsexy, but it can be sexy in ways where I do think it is romantic to wake up and pick someone every day. I don't think it's romantic to know that you could have other people, but you choose not to be with them and you're willing to make sacrifices. But anyways, just a shout out to Hack Your HR. I found it because she included me in the comment asking if we should discuss in the podcast but we're discussing we're getting the ball rolling we're getting the ball rolling that makes me think a lot about how something in matchmaking that i feel like was a big framework that i used in trying to like understand various people and the kinds of people that they would be compatible with is understanding which of your areas do you want alignment and agreement and which areas do you want like balance challenge pushback because you know there's certain ones where it's like there's just too much friction if you're not like on the same page like you know I think certain things especially when it comes to like

couples where one person is super like extroverted or social or likes to be out a lot and someone's like much more like introverted and the extroverted person like wants their partner in crime their plus one they're like out and about like you know there's just things like that where they can be a wonderful, amazing, two, like perfectly fitting people. But like, if there's that tension of like constantly feeling like,

oh, I'm going to get dragged out or not, you know, like that's just like one area where it's like, I, in general, I find like alignment is a little bit closer to what you want. Although there is,

of course, then the couples who are like, oh, but I love that this person like makes me go out and do events well there's a balance right you could be the introverted person who's just like yeah i'm like i don't mind extroverts but at the same time i don't i don't want someone who's constantly making me feel like i'm doing something wrong for not wanting to go out all the time and another person can be like i'm a bit introverted but like i really enjoy people pushing me to go out all the time. And another person can be like, hey, I'm a bit introverted, but I really enjoy people pushing me to go out, but being okay and understanding when I don't

want to go out. And there is that balance. And it is finding those people who even from a social standpoint, match your energy. Those things matter. And I completely agree with her that if you don't have compatibility, love isn't enough it just isn't over time you have to enjoy being around that person it has to be relatively easy you have to be on the same page with like you know the things you want in your life on a daily basis because but i also feel like an important part of that message was the fact that she was saying we both acknowledge that we've had serious partners in our past that at one point we thought were those people because i feel like a lot of times people fall into these traps of like no one but you babe like didn't know love until i loved you and like exactly because we want that

romantic perfect the one story and i'm like find that more impressive that you can acknowledge no before i met you i really thought i'd met the one yeah the biggest takeaway i think is sometimes romance and love is this all about perspective. It's how you frame it in your mind kind of to your point, Allie. Yeah. It's just like in 1950. Yeah. Like chances are you were going to, your person was to be someone who was a version who had

no other boyfriends or girlfriends. And they lived next door. They live next door. Now it's 2023 and now your love of your life might be divorced with a kid. You know, does it make it any less romantic? No. Different times, we're dating earlier, we're dating more people, et cetera, et cetera.

And so sometimes, yeah, I think we miss out on great people and great opportunities, and sometimes we don't give people enough time or space to show us who they really are because we're looking for the idea of someone or we don't like their resume and they don't come with this kind of romance built into meeting them, but we can create our romance and we can create our own love stories. We just have to change and reframe our perspective on these situations. Does anything come to mind for ways that you can give someone the space to show you who they are? Like, I'm, I, cause I know we talk a lot about like kind of the various things that you're

looking for. And I'm curious if you have any insight on a relationship that creates the conditions for someone being able to like kind of display themselves in all the ways that you might then analyze or. It does take time. You have to be willing to invest in people and get to know them and knowing that it might not work out. I was listening to the episode last week's Ask Nick and when you were talking about your friend and wanting to set her up

and how in all other aspects of her life and I was kind of hard on her saying like, she's not going to reach her full potential until she's willing to take a risk, until she's willing to lose something. But that's true. You have to just sometimes we have to like, as I've said before, start play on a movie and watch it knowing that it might not be your favorite movie. You might not even want to finish it. And you're not wasting your time by starting it and trying you might be wasting your time by not ever giving anyone a

real shot because you're always looking for this magical meet cute. And it just like, again, like I said, and don't text your ex happy birthday out now available for anyone to order. Like your relationship doesn't care how you met. It really doesn't. And there's so many other variables that go into like your love story that might not have a chance to happen until six, 12, 18 months into dating or two years into dating that might be part of your love story. And we all want our, how we met love story and you know, to, to all happen in the first two weeks of meeting someone. And that's just. And to feel cinematic and to feel certain. So that way we can be like, I don't have to worry. Cause I know I made the right choice. Yeah. Because, oh, in the first two weeks they were like incredible.

It's like, I don't know. Sometimes you just have to like play it out. See where it goes. And know that like five months in you might realize, damn it. Oops. Not the one. Yeah. Not the one.

I have to go through an awkward breakup. I have to have some tough conversations. I'm going to have to get over them. They're going to have to get over me. But like that, until we're willing to do that do that you know part of us not being able to find someone is being way too picky early on and then not picky enough once we've decided we want to date them i always say we people read emails and text in the moods that they're in, not often how we try to send them. Our tone and when we write is we're often not self-aware of our tone.

And Grammarly makes it so easy to get the tone right, to be efficient, to not have mistakes in grammar and mistakes in tone. And to sound like the person you want to sound like with the people you want to communicate with. The cool thing about Grammarly is because it will like suggest things and you'll be like, wait, I, yes, this is exactly what I mean. I don't need the just or the I think or the whatever else. I run into the issue of sometimes I think trying to sound super polite and then coming off as a little bit more like wishy-washy or meek or like, you know, not confident. And the nice thing about Grammarly is that it like provides these suggestions. And I really, I was gonna be like, and I think, but I've noticed in everyday life

that sometimes even just talking, I integrate the things for Grammarly just because it's a really powerful way of just like having someone reflect back to you what you're saying, the areas where you could be making yourself sound even more like confident. It's amazing how Grammarly has not only made us more efficient, but has impacted the way

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N-O-O-M.com slash V-I-A-L-L to sign up for your trial today. Check out Noom's first ever book, The Noom Mindset, a deep dive into the psychology of behavior change. Available to buy now wherever books are sold. When we think about the stories that we are comparing comparing love to with Vile Files Plus launching March 10th, incredibly exciting. One of the things that you get is Nick's commentary on iconic films like The Notebook, like 10 Things I Hate About You. And so it's I think it's like an added value of like we kind of talk about like these vague notions of like the love stories we compare ourselves to. And I think like these specific like breakdown episodes are a really good job of kind of like integrating, like what does it look like when we apply this kind of like pragmatism,

realism, like honest discussion about relationships to these like things that we culturally uphold as like the pinnacle of love stories. Yeah. The notebook recap is one of my favorite episodes I've ever recorded. We'll do more of those other infamous movies. All your Better Date Than Never episodes we've ever dropped, if you aren't available to watch and listen,

rather listen at 9 p.m. Eastern every Thursday, and you are missing out, you really are missing out on Better Date Than Never. It's a wild and wacky show, and people are getting to know us in ways they don't get to know us in the vile files. It's three inebriated people talking about sex like snowball snowballing snow plowing whatever that was that was snowballing that was uncomfortable snowballing sounds like a gross sex thing well so is snow blowing or if you're me it's a lovely thing to do in the winter time

when you need to get your car out of the driveway and if you want to hear a great misunderstanding surrounding that that is on one of our better date than ever episodes most recently it's about the logistics of sex um but even if you were watching live like you weren't taking notes and if you were put that pen away and listen and have fun and so if you ever just want to like refer back to epic discoveries lots of giggles the tips the tricks that we get from all the other people, Better Date Than Never is something that we will be offering for you to consume at your will on Vile Files Plus. Plus more updates.

We're getting more and more updates behind Vile Files Plus. We're still doing the once a month on the Vile Files. Nothing you're getting now on the Vile Files is going to change. It's just we're not taking anything away away but you're just offering you more so if you want to get more and more updates from all of our callers that will be available to you behind bio files plus plus every week we'll be doing our end of the week what we didn't get to talk about pop culture wise on our show just a round table fast discussion of some of your hot most trending pop culture topics that we just don't get to like tackle because we're just enjoying our guests or having texting office hours so

that and much much more some more recaps from some of your favorite reality tv shows other movies tv shows we're open to suggestions uh but we just want to give you all the things that you want like i don't know if you guys are watching the murdoch uh murder case not wild shit you got to watch the Netflix documentary. But, you know, that's an example of something we don't have time to break down and recap on the Vile Files.

But Files, Files Plus, stuff like that will be available to you rather than just like a five minute discussion of like, that's some crazy shit that he did.

Write in. Send us your questions. Ask Nick at thevilefiles.com. Please send a like an attention grabbing subject line. Give us a little taste of what we might expect from that. Just remember, it's anonymous. All your mediations, if you enter a situation,

you want to come on together. If you're struggling with friendship drama, the friendship drama people love. So if you're having a hard time getting along with someone, a parent, money problems, we want to hear your stories. And we're here to help. If you've already been on the show, let us know how you're doing. It doesn't need to be some big grand update of like, this is how the story.

And like, it doesn't need to be a beautiful bow. It can just be like an intermittent, like, instead of crying every day, I cry every other day. People are invested in your stories. They are. And we are are invested in your stories they are and we really and we're in we are deeply invested in your stories we are i really care about how you're doing please send an email respond to the ones i send you better date than never is going to be this thursday last week we spoke all about the kinks this week another flaming spicy topic that you'll just have to figure out on our socials by checking those out.

Oh, okay. Or because I'm guessing you've just thrown us something live that will then become the theme as typically our practice. Hard to know what Nick will pick out. Hard to know. As long as we make each other uncomfortable. Cheers. That should be our slogan in Latin. As long as we make each other uncomfortable. Cheers. That should be our slogan in Latin, as long as we make each other uncomfortable.

Georgia Hasarati, I think we're, I don't know if I'm pronouncing her last name right, but from The Perfect Match, Georgia joins us. Also, she's from Too Hot to Handle. She's Harry Jowsey's former ex, who he was talking about when Harry came on the show. We'll get into all her time on Too Hot to Handle, maybe get her thoughts on the show. We'll get into all her time on Too Hot to Handle, maybe get her thoughts on the Francesca

and Savannah drama of it all. But she'll be here to wrap up all the things that happened now that all the episodes have dropped and all that drama. So Georgia will be with us. Plus, Kathy Kelly, friend of show, will be with us to help break down the next episode of The Bachelor. Hopefully Zach cannot be a dick this week.

Who knows? We'll see. We will see. Right now, Hungry Root is offering the Vilefowl listeners 30% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. Just go to HungryRoot.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Don't forget to use our link so they know we sent you. Hungry Root is giving you healthy foods, healthy meals delivered right to your door. They're super easy to make. Allie talks all the time about like she specifically is getting meals that are

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your first purchase of $100 or more to claim. Visit article.com slash V-I-A-L-L. And the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That is A-R-T-I-C-L-E dot com slash V-I-A-L-L for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. Start shopping with Article. All right, well, let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. how's it going hi nick i'm noelle and i'm 35 how can we help i'm wondering if i should reach out to my abusive ex-husband's new fiance to reveal his trail of trauma or sit back and watch the shit show unfold with my popcorn.

Okay. Well, I feel very strongly that you shouldn't watch it go down. If you choose not to be a part of it, I would maybe suggest that you find a way to stop being emotionally invested in your ex understood you sound like a disappointed child you're like no i know uh i mean that's that's the main takeaway uh i think that's the most important thing for you if you're calling in. So I want to take care of you. And more than anything, I can assure you that's what's best for you. I definitely, it's the type of relationship where had I had the option, I would have blocked for my own sake, not necessarily for reaction or anything like that, just for my own

mental health. We have a five-year-old. And so I am consistently being related information from my five-year-old. I'm seeing how it affects my five-year-old. Since we split four years ago, he's had literally dozens of relationships. All of them have been involved in my son's life. Um, oftentimes without him telling me that this relationship, he is in my ex-husband, uh, telling me that the relationship exists. And then I find out later or on, uh, social media from friends that my five-year-old is hanging out with another woman a week after hanging out with a different woman. And, um, they're all being, like I said, playing house right away. So my son is getting invested in the relationship with this woman. A lot of them have

kids. So my son's getting invested in the relationship with these other kids that are being brought into his life just for that to change not that that's long after and none of them have gotten to the point of engagement they've been together he and his new fiancee uh have been together they they were in a long distance relationship for three months before he moved in with her and it was just a month later that they got engaged. And so. What do you call these women to your son? Dad's girlfriend, usually.

I mean, I don't, I typically don't. What does girlfriend mean to him? I typically don't refer to them. He'll tell me about them as dad's girlfriend. Does he understand what a girlfriend is? I don't know. I actually heard him talking at his preschool today. I went into table time for Valentine's day and, um, heard him telling his teacher about his dad's

girlfriend. And I've been, I'm in a relationship now. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. And so he knows that that's my boyfriend i don't think he understands you know the full extent of the relationships it's i mean that'd be a good question for me to ask him yeah i don't know i and i i think this is a great question for like a therapist because i don't but as a non-expert in this department i just wonder if that's something you care more about than is actually affecting your son because it's like what does he know and i don't know like i don't know what your your ex has told him i don't know what you've told him i don't know if he understands the like it's his dad's friend you know like right i'm sure your kid has met a lot of your friends

like he doesn't know what intimacy or sex or things like that. You know, it's like, what's the fucking difference to your five-year-old type of thing? You know what it is. And it, and you're worried, is your kid going to be all like confused? But like, it sounds to me like what your ex's actions, if nothing else, have shown your son not to get all that too attached to any of these people he brings in their life. I don't know if a five-year-old is like able to comprehend that but on some level like he you know he's seen women come and go yeah and i don't know what you asked him about that but like has your son ever been distraught over any of

these women leaving so there you go like less one less thing for you to worry about you know because i would understand. It's just like, oh, he's building a, whether I want him to build a bond with these women, he is. And then he gets sad when they leave their lives.

And, but that doesn't seem like it's going on. So I don't know if you have to necessarily worry about that. As far as are you all that worried about his new fiance? Like what's your actual concern level for her well-being is he physically abusive abusive is he emotional abusive is it both but um not physical as in well at least with me he would get physical with items not with me um so throwing, slamming things, that type of thing. It was never physically abusive.

To me, the emotional trauma was definitely something that took me, you know, still takes me. Did you guys ever discuss that? Did you ever accuse him of this type of behavior? I know you also mentioned financially abusive. So I don't know if that was something that you guys talked about. Yep. Financially abusive. I was the primary breadwinner. Um, he actually, he, he job hopped a lot and actually probably the biggest lie of our entire relationship was, well, it was everything from, Oh gosh, cheating on me emotionally. He threatened to take my engagement ring back the day after he

gave it to me um he and then at one point during our engagement he lied about having a job for what i found out later was months so and i was working from home at the time um sounds to me like your ex is really insecure with himself and he doesn't like feeling small or powerless. And when he does, he takes it out on the people he claims to care about. I don't know if he cares about anybody, to say that bluntly. But anybody above himself. Fair enough. Above himself, I should say.

Anyone in his life or his, sure. I don't think she's going to listen to you. You know, there's that. Right. Well, I was thinking about like on The Bachelor. It never works out well for the girl who tattles on the other girl. Yeah, and you're also his ex-wife. So he's going to be like considerate of source and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Right. I'm definitely going to come across as the crazy ex-wife. And to be completely honest, when I was dating him, his girlfriend from before me reached out and tried to do the same thing well so the other argument the other argument is yeah she's not going to believe you now but at least you will give her something to look out for and when it does happen she will remember what you told her and maybe be a little less inclined to make excuses for him so there's that like in your what does your body tell you what does your heart tell you is the right thing to do if you could try to take out as much as you can your frustration and your personal vendetta you know and i'm not trying to make it seem like you don't deserve to have one but like

or just the frustration with your son and i can only imagine just the emotional just like drives you fucking nuts and like yeah i it's revenge is a natural feeling but if you could try to take that all away what does your body and your heart tell you is the right thing to do and how much of it are you doing it for her? Like, what do you, what's the answer? Right. It, I, like you said, I don't think she would listen to me. When it happened to me, I didn't listen to the girlfriend, but she was someone that I reached out to after everything kind of blew up in my face and relied on, I guess, a little bit, kind of vented to a little bit about feeling like someone else knew exactly what it was that I had went through just on a different level at a different point in their lives. Do you feel safe putting yourself out there?

Yeah. You're not worried about it? I don't care what he thinks about me. It's not what he thinks i just want to make sure that you're protecting yourself and your well-being and yourself i don't know this man i don't know how dangerous he is right um yeah physically physically safe he's a lot of talk and not a lot of fight usually but very harsh with his words and like i said like they said do you share custody i'm assuming yeah yeah only he moved from when he met this woman he moved from being an hour away

to four hours away so the exchanges are a little bit more difficult there's less interaction because he can't make it to things like basketball games and preschool drop off and christmas programs and those different types of things which is also another reason why it's been really hard to to physically meet her why our why our exchange was only sure yeah i guess i think at the end of the day i just want you to just think long and hard about i think this is really about prioritizing what's important okay you're you and your son's well-being is number one as far as you're concerned and you're stuck in this very kind of complicated thing where it might require you to be selfish over someone else's needs like in an altruistic world yeah you'd want to let this woman know what she's getting involved in but you have to consider how you telling her and your husband finding out is going to impact your emotional well-being and your son's well-being etc etc

and i think you want to prioritize and think about those things first um if you feel like ultimately your son's gonna be fine and you're gonna be fine and this is really you deciding you know should you tell her or should you not then maybe you tell her you know make because the right you know i'd i'd want to know you know but i just don't want you to what i don't want is you to get caught up in the drama of it all and i don't want you to convince yourself that you really want to tell her but all you really want to do is fuck with his life a little bit and be a little toxic because he's clearly toxic to you.

And it would be a normal human feeling in response to want to get back at him for all the pain he's caused you. And I just want to make sure whatever you decide, it's for the right reasons and it's not for toxic reasons and it's not going to create more drama and more headache in your life in the long run but ultimately all things being equal yes i would love for you to let this woman know what she's getting involved with but i think you just have to make some very difficult decisions because there's a child involved in things like that and you just have to try to be honest with yourself,

but what your real motive is here, because I'm sure this other woman has her own support system and et cetera, et cetera. And she's an adult and she'll figure it out for herself. I mean, it doesn't sound like your ex is all too good at like hiding the fact of who he is. So eventually she'll figure it out,

you know? And i don't wish that on her or anything like that but this is not the same as like hiding a secret from your friend or or things like that so there are other more vulnerable people involved in this like your son who who doesn't you are his support system and his other support system and his dad is part of the problem so i would just be very careful about how this impacts your son and let this other woman bank on the fact that she has people looking out for her as well

and you don't necessarily need to. But all that aside, if you can be honest with yourself about why you're doing this, if you can ensure that your son's well-being is secure and safe and yours is as well maybe you can tell her tell her yeah it's um yeah it's definitely a little bit of the fuck with him if i if you're being completely honest that's a that's i think that's an important thing to acknowledge and i understand why but i think i think we have an answer but you know that part of your decision is to fuck with him and i think until you can

truly be done with him emotionally and and i'm not saying you have any like weird fucked up feelings for him or anything like that like he caused you pain and like you want to fuck you want to fuck him up i get it you know but it's not doing you any good and it's not doing your relationship any good and it's not doing your son any good. And until you can really be honest with yourself that it's really about letting this person know and has nothing to do with fucking up his world,

I think you should just back off and focus on your son and focus on your relationship and try to manage your relationship with your ex-husband as much as you can where it's just trying to figure out how to keep the peace, you know, and know as little as possible about his life. This is the type of like guy who's probably childlike in his behavior and kind of comes across as if he just doesn't get how his actions and his words affect other people and that's really frustrating for people because like

people want people when we're hurt by people we want people to like fucking understand how they hurt us they we want them to get like do you realize realize like, how could you like, could you at least know that you fucked me up? Can you at least pretend to give a shit? You know what I'm saying? And it sounds like your ex-husband is really good at acting like he doesn't know better. And so he's leaving this trail of all these women who just want him to fucking pay because he's so goddamn aloof and inconsiderate to his trail of destruction.

But all that is, is getting you more invested and more committed. And like, trust me when I say like, he will get his and he's getting his right now. He's probably fucking miserable. And instead of ensuring that he pays for it, just trust that this universe will take care of it. Your husband's not a happy person. And the reason he does these types of things is because he doesn't love himself. He's not happy with himself. He's small. He knows it too, which is why he acts out the way he does. And just get some satisfaction in that. He's not happy. And the more you focus on him the less happier you're allowing him to make you so go be happy go enjoy your son go enjoy your boyfriend you know um stop letting this guy have

power over you that's where my waffling came from of just like oh i suppose wording it as you know sitting on the sideline and watching it go down. I shouldn't even care about that. But obviously his failures give me a little bit of like a, Sure, I get it. And it's okay for you to, it's okay that it's a normal thing that you're feeling. So you have to just tell yourself, there's nothing wrong with me that I want this revenge. It's normal, but it's not serving me.

And because I want to serve me and I want what's best for me and I want what's best for my son, I'm going to go out of my way to block him, whatever I have to do to find out as little as possible about his choices in his life that don't affect my son or me. What's your advice on how to stop giving a fuck? Well, I would start policing your thoughts. I would, whatever you're doing on social media, whatever questions you're asking, all these little things, do you being nosy or whatever it is, maybe you're asking your son things that, you know, how was it? How was time that daddy's house? And why do you really want to know that question? You know, I don't know, but you really have to be honest with yourself. Why you really want to know that question you know i don't know but you really

have to be honest with yourself why do i want to know this you shouldn't be asking why or follow-up questions about him you know bare minimum shit how if it's not related to your son you don't need to know you're right go make yourself happy because you deserve it and it seems like you have a lot of great things going for yourself despite what you've gone through and that's an amazing thing because it's hard to put set yourself up for success and it's hard to recover from terrible situations and you sound sounds like you've done a pretty darn good job of that so good for you thank you go uh it's valentine's day yeah go send your boyfriend a nude or something you know that was like that's kind of the the gist of the the card i just picked up for him at walgreens

there you go okay walgreens have some fun you know like that's where your energy should be going today yeah he does he does he does an amazing job of of putting up with me but even to him i need to stop venting because i don't want him to know that my emotional i have any emotional you know you know what you should do today maybe like maybe not today or at some point sit him down and apologize hey yeah you deserve better than me constantly bringing up my past and my ex and i know like i certainly have my reasons but i just want you to know i'm work i want to work on it because it it it's it doesn't serve me it doesn't serve us and i appreciate your grace and i appreciate your patience because like god knows i'll probably fuck up again but i just want you to know that

i don't want this in our relationship, and I'm sorry and thank you. I bet that would go a long way with him. I need to do that because I really don't want that to be the perception. So you have changed my perception on – you've influenced my perception on that that investment i think i have been more invested in in his life just because i want to watch it go to shit but i don't even need to you don't i promise you it will you just have to trust that you're not going to know it and just trust that his life already is shit like what i don't want his life oh you know yuck um all right i really appreciate it all right take care thank you guys have a good day bye-bye wow that was a really significant call i feel like

that's something people think about all the time in leaving like these shitty relationships and seeing somebody else who's like now dating their ex and i'm curious like for anybody listening to this if you comment if you're on youtube or dm us have you ever reached out to an ex's current partner to warn them about behavior of your ex if so what were the considerations you took into account if you haven't done it but have strong opinions about when it's appropriate when it's not if you have what was the outcome did you regret that decision you know did it did it feel right after you said it did you immediately realize you did it was the outcome did you regret that decision you know did it did it feel right after you said it did you immediately realize you did it for the wrong reasons yada yada yada we'd love to know um yeah fascinating stuff how's it going good thanks how are you good what's your name

good my name is gabby and i am 24 years old. How can we help Gabby? I am just looking for advice because I am still crying over my ex of 10 months, pretty much on the daily. And I'd rather, you know, not do that anymore. Okay. All right. Well, I'm sorry. Tell me about it. So we're in a pretty serious relationship for a little over four years. Okay. And it ended last April. How did it end?

Basically, he just ended up saying that he wasn't feeling the same anymore, and he just thought it would be best to not be together. Out of nowhere? Pretty much out of nowhere, yes. You were blissfully happy when he broke up with you not i would say there wasn't a caring your world all you thought was just how magical he was you had no complaints it was just truly a dream come true and then one day you woke up and he was like just kidding so is that how it went not so not really not really. Okay. No, you're right. You have a point.

All right. Okay. We're gonna really. Yeah. We're gonna really work through this here. Great. Why are you sad? Why are you crying?

What are you feeling when you cry? Think I feel just, and I know I shouldn't really feel this way. I feel like a little bit betrayed that he just kind of decided not to be with me anymore. Although that was, you know, ultimately his decision. Well, I'm sure he made a lot of promises to you in that relationship. Exactly. I think that's probably like the worst of it.

So when you really think about it and think back on it, you're like, oh, well, he said this and said this. And people have the right to change their minds but it's still disappointing to say totally disappointed valid to be disappointed but they do have that right and that is that is love in a sense you know this kind of life and path that we're on and our our journey to find you know true happiness and a you know a partner it comes with great risks and it's a lot of trial and error and you have certainly said things in your life that you either didn't mean or just changed your mind yes and i'm sure when you said that you had the best intentions and and when and or you even felt bad and things like that but um yeah you know i can assure you that the part of you that is crying over him still

because you feel betrayed is just your ego that's all it is it is not what could have should have been it has really nothing to do with him anymore. You have not policed your ego to the point or even acknowledged your ego. And you have allowed your ego to keep waking up every day to tell you that you're a loser or you should have known better and you suck and things like that. And you're just taking it on the chin for whatever reason on some level, like you're punishing yourself maybe for believing him in the moment in which he said these things. But what if we just accepted the fact that how old,

how old are you now? Again, remind me. I'm 24, 24. Okay. Pretty young. Yeah.

You know, I mean not like you're an adult woman, but like you still have hopefully a lot of life left, you know, uh, how long, and then you dated for how long? You dated for four years. You met when you were 20. You were 20. And think about when you were 20 and think about how, where you are now. Things change.

Right. And you, you seem to want to forget that as it relates to yourself. I can assure you that you're not crying over him anymore. Do you even remember what it was like to date him? On some level? On some level, but yeah. Yeah, like yesterday when you cried,

like what were you thinking about? You were just feeling sorry for yourself. You weren't missing him. It's more of an ego thing than anything anymore. when you cried like what were you thinking about you were just feeling sorry for yourself you weren't missing him it's more of an ego thing than anything anymore and now i don't know if you've read my book there's a chapter in called missing them doesn't make them special i think you should have you read you haven't read the book read the book i picked it up i do have it i have not started reading it but i do i i would think maybe since you're crying every day but i got you back over 10 months ago in my i maybe page through it yeah try uh i would read chapter one first skip to chapter 10 chapter 10 is getting over them okay might help you know just thought

uh just because i feel like i have done everything else under the sun to move on from it. I go to the gym every day. I've lost a lot of weight. I'm going back to school. I've gone to therapy. I'm dating. You're just- And so there's still that little something that I'm like, I feel like I should-

You're still feeling sorry for yourself. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. And I know the feeling. I do. I've been hurt a lot by people i love and and i remember when i was younger the first amount of grief i ever felt was pity for myself

how could this happen why does it happen to me etc etc etc and i would spend months like you on on that feeling that thought and i didn't even get to like processing the fucking breakup because i was too busy feeling sorry for myself before i could even get to like why i was sad or even was worth being sad or they were worth my time or were we healthy where were was i fulfilled is this what i really wanted i just felt pity for myself how could i date someone for four years only for them to just wake up one day and not want to date me how could i how could i how could i date someone and have my fiance cheat on me or whatever like how could i you know i could i how could i date someone have him just ghost me completely i was another girlfriend you know

what i'm saying like just felt sorry for myself all the time and then when i got older and and something happened to me and it was horrific and heartbreaking and I was distraught and beside myself, it was a win for me. I wasn't asking those questions. Why did this happen to me? How could this happen to me? Like, this isn't going to be the last time some shit happens to you. It's just not, you know? So stop wasting your life and wasting your time and stop feeling sorry for yourself. God knows you've done enough of that. And start, instead of feeling sorry for yourself, be proud of yourself, especially as you start getting over it. Hey, I survived this. I did this. I'm working on myself. Set some goals and see what you're capable of accomplishing

and instead of feeling sorry for yourself, be proud of what you did and get to a point where I have been where it's just like, now when I look back on all these times where I felt pain and sadness and felt defeated and embarrassed and wronged, I laugh or I feel a sense of pride of how I was able to overcome that. I know that I'll get to that place because when I was 19 years old,

I thought when I was heartbroken over like a situation ship, I was like, Oh, I'm never going to get over it. Obviously I will. I just feel like I wish it would happen a little bit. Cause you're not, you're not, my guess is you haven't spent a lot of time in the past 10 months looking in the mirror and saying, I'm hurting. This sucks. I don't deserve this, but it happened and I can get over it and I will get over it. And I don't know when, but I know I will. I will definitely get over this. I will survive this. One, because I already know I did. I can remember feeling just as lost and just as confused and just as scared about getting over something in the past that I did. So I know I will. I just don't know when, but what's going to help me get over it faster is not feeling sorry for myself and asking

pointless questions like, why did they do this? Or why did I have, you know, feelings can change. And if you want to like think about things just remember the times where you just did maybe didn't check in enough or maybe you got a little complacent and not to beat yourself up and in the future just remember that like you know you don't want to take things for granted but you guys were young and and figuring yourselves out and stop acting like you got blindsided by a 50-year-old or that you had four kids or that you were married. You were a couple of young 20-year, some year old people who were still figuring out life. And in that process, you guys made some promises to each other that felt good in the moment that didn't pan out to be true and things didn't work out.

And it doesn't make you a loser. You know, life, it's not like your life's over in a sense. You can still have a great life and a happy life and a productive life. And you can still literally have everything you've ever dreamt for yourself. You just have to like get off your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are completely right. I need to change that mindset. I literally, a couple of days ago, I was doing the whole like, why me, why me? And I need to stop doing that. Yeah. You really got to stop doing that. No more why me. You're not that special. And I say that

with love, truly. I appreciate that. You know, like everyone in this room and you know, everyone listening, there's literally hundreds, like tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of people listening to you being like, come on girl. Like, welcome to the club. Life isn't about like making sure we're never wronged or disrespected. It gives a shit about that.

You know, life is a journey. There's ups and downs. When you have ups enjoy it but recognize that nothing lasts forever and and when you have downs survive it and recognize that this is an opportunity for to strengthen you and this is something you can learn from and this is going to serve you well in the future to help bring positive things and and life is just a bunch of those ever all's what it is. It's just constant highs and lows. And honestly, we love the highs and lows because we feel and it's exciting.

And when we're not in the high and low, life's a little fucking boring. And our drama brain just starts fucking shit up because it's a little complacent. you know? Yeah. So you got to get perspective. That's what you're lacking. You're lacking it. You're giving into your ego. You're lacking perspective. You're feeling sorry for yourself. Enough is enough.

And get off your ass and start like, you know, what you should be feeling sorry for yourself is how much of a loser you have allowed yourself to feel like. And that should piss you off. Because you're not a loser. You're a successful, talented, capable woman who has so much to offer.

Literally thousands of guys would line up and want to date you if you just give them a fucking chance. But not everyone's going to like you. Some people won't like you. Some people will like you and then change their minds about you. Fine. some people won't like you some people will like you and then change your minds about you fine i guess thousands of people fucking hate me you know well you're pretty you've made it pretty far so i guess i'm just but you get my point you know what i'm saying i guess another question i had was you go online and obviously i try not to compare it to other people, but there's people who post on Tik TOK and all of this where they just

get out of these multi-year relationships. And like three months later or like, Oh, you'll find love again. It'll happen. It happened so fast. And I'm like, I feel like that is not going to happen.

Well, you'll first for you. Keep telling yourself that you don't fucking know. And the internet's fake. Who the fuck knows what's going on there and what people are projecting and some people just want to fake it till they make it but like yeah you're definitely not going to move on when you keep telling yourself you can't move on and i don't know what's going to happen for you maybe maybe right now you need to you should be single maybe you're too attached to

having a boyfriend and maybe too much of your self-worth is tied up into like having some guy pick you and maybe you need to spend some time getting good at being single and happy being single and proud of yourself for being single and look back and look at all the things you accomplish in the next 12 months that i believe you're going to do and you're going to crush life as a single woman and you're going to get. And you're going to crush life as a single woman. And you're going to get all this confidence about how much you don't need someone, but you would like someone in your life that serves you and elevates you and things like that. And you can have so much pride around that. And so maybe it's time for you to just stop worrying about when you're going to find someone and just like start focusing on like you i think

that's exactly it like i just don't i don't want to feel the pressure trying like wanting to find somebody else 24 years old you're 24 and i know that doesn't feel as as as as young as i think it is but you've definitely you should it should piss you off. How much, if you're worried about like being 24 and not finding love yet, well then you should get real fucking pissed off how much time you wasted on feeling sorry for yourself. You didn't expect this. You weren't prepared for it. It hurt you.

It, and I'm sorry. And I'm sorry at the time when it happened, it broke you and it rattled your confidence in yourself. And I trust me when I say, I know how you feel, but you can survive this. You can get through it and you can be better for it. And you can be proud of yourself and you can be a stronger version of yourself. You just have to want it. It's entirely up to you. Easier said than done, but it's definitely possible. I know you can do it. You have to want to do it. Right now, you are addicted to missing him.

You are addicted to this pain that you have lived with for the past 10 years. It has become a part of who you are. And even that is going to be something you're going to have to change. Have you gotten therapy? I have. I have. I need to dive a little bit deeper into it. I think you should.

Maybe you dabbled in therapy, but you haven't stuck with therapy. Correct. I have. I have. I need to dive a little bit deeper into it. I think you should maybe, yeah. Maybe you dabbled in therapy, but you haven't stuck with therapy. Correct. Maybe do that. Okay. Yeah. It's your life. You're only 24. So do you want your life to be great or do you want to look back and realize just how much fucking time of your best years you wasted on him? Because there is a chance you could feel that way.

And do you really want to feel that way? No, I absolutely do not. So do something about it. You have total control over this. You just got to get out of that fucking trap. And so invest in yourself. And if you can't do it on your own, go invest in therapy and stick to it. Yeah.

Because like I said, I feel like I all like a lot of the other things but i feel like therapy is going to be one of the things that'll that'll definitely help because i need an outside you know perspective to help me dive through everything else so and i think we have this misconception that something that's painful like is inherently hard or more worthy or that like, are we're working through this? And it's to some end when it's like, it can be painful, but it's actually sometimes really easy to live in pain. And it sounds like you're incredibly hardworking and like, you're ready to show up for yourself and like put in the time. That's a great point. I would do that too. It's just like my ego would make me feel like a loser. Oh, you're a loser. How could you let this happen? How could they, you got cheated cheated on you got broken up with whatever

and to make myself feel like less of a loser i was like you know what i'll just endure this pain because i'm strong and maybe there's some catholic i don't you know catholic guilt or whatever but like yeah like no one gives it like no one cares how much you're making yourself suffer for no reason it's just a total waste yeah you know it's definitely a lot harder to yeah to not feel sorry for yourself to put the work in to change that it's a lot harder it's easier to live in in feeling sorry for yourself that's a good point put a sign on your bathroom mirror stop wasting your life that's what you're doing yeah i, I am. You're right. I want at least three days this week where you start feeling sad for yourself

and you lock it the fuck up and you stop going down that rabbit hole and stop feeling sorry for yourself. And it's not going to be perfect, but I want progress. Or I want to hear that you signed up for therapy. Or you started reading the book. But start making changes in your life because all you're or you started reading the book but start making

changes in your life because all you're doing right now is the same thing over and over and you're expecting a different result and what do we call that insanity yep yep you're right all right thanks guys i appreciate that all right don't don't ignore us when we when we follow up i won't i promise all right we care about you happy valentine's day thank you all right bye-bye hi was i too hard on her no no it's just some signature tough love gotta get out of your own it's i mean i've been there fuck i've been there it felt like one of those massages where you're like, ah! But it really helps at the end. Gotta work out the knot.

You're like, just breathe, yeah. 10 months, it's a long time. Yeah. It's just, you know, I don't know, there's not a magic number of how long you should allow yourself to be sad, but it's not 10 months. Yeah.

I don't even know if it's a month. And you're gonna have periods and moments where like flashes of of painful memories come in come and go but just allow yourself to feel process and let it pass feelings most feelings are temporary yeah and also i think like the gravity of the situation of like kind of heightening the stakes for yourself of being like you don't get to go back and have a year of being 24 where you invested in yourself and you took like valued your friendships and you like she's going back to school like kicking ass like all these things like i think sometimes that like kind of like fear-based mentality is really effective for me being like

this is in the drain in the toilet for anyone listening in your 20s i don't i as old as you might feel, these are the best years of your fucking life. Well, I don't know. I mean, I've had some great years in my 30s and 40s, but these are years you will never get back. The best evolution years, I think, for changing. Yeah, the most freedom you'll have, the right to be selfish,

and being your peak physical self. So stop fucking wasting time on people who don't want to invest in you. So to invest, you know, like there's a time for a little bit of pity, but like limit that fucking shit. You're not helping yourself out. You're wasting your fucking life. Anyway, I'm done. How's it going?

Good. My name's Hannah. I am 30 years old and I had the birthday trip from hell that is threatening to ruin a friendship with a very close friend with whom I'm supposed to be the maid of honor in her wedding. So I'm looking for some advice on how to navigate some tough conversations with her about her behavior. Okay. What happened on the birthday? So we had left on a sort of red-eye flight and flown out for four days. It was a mix of a couple of different friend groups of mine. And my closest friend, she showed up to my house in a mood that was very clear. So she had slept on the flight, which was great. She has a pretty stressful job and is also a mom,

which is not something I can relate to, but we're very close and I love her children, but they're little and very stressful. So I was picking up on her energy, which was not great to begin with. So she slept the whole flight, thought that was great. Some of us were going to get a, um, go out when we got there. Um, so we were going to land like 1am Vegas time. And I sort of pulled her aside and was like, just want to make sure you feel absolutely no pressure. I want you to be intentional with your time. You have the opportunity to sleep in a hotel bed all to yourself. And maybe you should just take advantage of tonight to stay in, rest and be ready to go tomorrow for like boozy brunch, 48 hours while rested. She's like, that's probably a good idea.

Great. We got to the hotel and we had two rooms booked. One had a suite because it was gonna have to fit five people. But the fifth bed was like a pretty shitty pullout couch. The other room was just gonna have two beds that would have two and two. So not everybody knows each other well, but there's enough where the two groups would break

up and it wouldn't be weird. We stop in the first of the rooms and one of the friends that this friend who we'll just call Jamie, she doesn't know this other friend particularly well. And she's like, maybe we can break up the rooms this way. Well, Jamie like did not like this suggestion and bites her head off. We have been at the hotel all of 10 minutes and she snaps at her. And immediately it is so awkward. Jamie is a potential maid of honor. She's the bride.

I would be her maid of honor. Okay. Yeah. So Jamie, the bride, snaps. Yeah. Okay. It is so awkward. My Apple Watch tells me that my heart rate has hit.

It should be in this zone if I'm exercising. And it's like, you appear to be sitting down, but your heart rate is at at 120 so it's only ever told me this if I'm like having a panic attack before so I'm going into smoothing this over mode because we've been here 15 minutes and also it's Vegas and we're here for my birthday I don't fucking care where anybody sleeps for all I care I'll pass out in the bathtub later so I really quickly smooth things over, but it's awkward. So I'm like, you two here, you two here. I'll take the pullout couch. Not a big deal.

Do not care. Sleep is not my priority on this trip. She went to sleep right away. We went out for a little bit, came back in the morning. I was like, Jamie, you were pretty unpleasant last night. And she's like, you could argue it was assertive. And I was like, you could argue that, but you'd be incorrect. And we're also not going to argue that. And I think I made a comment about it being bratty, not assertive, and just sort of put down a line of like, we're not going to argue

it. We're just, I also, assertive communication implies that all parties win and no parties won because it was just really awkward. So she took a shower and put in the group chat, like, the water pressure is amazing. I feel much better. Sorry, everybody. And it was very disproportionate to the level of awkwardness that she had and the tone she had set. Well, I mean, like, I guess, were you looking for a proportionate response in that moment? I mean, if your goal is to just have fun and enjoy your birthday, I mean, if your goal is to just have fun and enjoy your birthday, what would have satisfied you in that moment? I think I would say one of two things.

Either one, come out of the gate the next morning ready to be fun, like really fun. You're going to brunch. You're like going out of your way to sort of incorporate yourself with the other group of friends to be almost like overcompensating for I was not fun yesterday. So I'm going to be fun today and sort of acknowledging that without acknowledging it or put it on the table. I was a bitch last night. My bad. You know, I want to move on from that. I shouldn't have caused a problem over sleeping arrangements i think one of the two definitely would have been ideal for sure but realistic i don't know yeah no listen you you were you were pissed off it was your birthday you had a lot of expectations about your birthday and your close friend disappointed you.

And then once she disappointed you, you just have more expectations of how she could fix disappointing you. And it probably just snowballed from that point on. I don't remember what the next day was. She had another, I think we had, she was okay the next day, sort of better energy. She was okay the next day, sort of better energy. She had one more moment where she sort of confronted me and spoke for the other two and was like, you're not talking to any of us. And I said, do not speak for them.

That is inaccurate. They can speak for themselves as well. Like, I'm not talking to you. That's correct. Cause I don't know what's going on with you. And I said, and oh, and I tried to talk to her that morning and was like, what is going on? You randomly start crying yesterday. I texted you and asked what's going on with you. And I said, and oh, and I tried to talk to her that morning. I was like, what is going on?

You randomly start crying yesterday. I texted you and asked what's going on. I just, I don't get this. And she goes, oh, nothing. Everything's fine. I'm not going to make the trip about me. And so I just got up and got in the shower. So I'm like, this is now the third time I've asked, what the fuck?

Like, what is the problem here oh maybe the problem is how you asked what the fuck oh I thought I asked we were in bed like again comes over and says it to me and I'm like it was more of an exasperated like what's going on like talk to me you know yeah I mean. I mean, listen, I, this, this, this sounds like friend drama. Yes. You know, um, it doesn't sound like a fireable offense. No, it sounds like I could never, you could might consider the fact that you've outgrown each other. consider the fact that you've outgrown each other.

So I think that is sort of where I'm looking for advice on how to navigate the conversation of, it's a lack of self-awareness ever since like she's, and you can see, I shared some of the screenshots. She's like, I didn't say anything that could be perceived as mean. Like, I never said you were mean. I don't think you're a mean person. Again, she argued that it was assertive, but it was... Yeah. Maybe it's just more stubbornness and a lack of self-awareness. Fair.

But I also see these patterns in her life where I just kind of want to, I almost want to look and be like, how is this working for you? This communication style, because she, she's very defensive and on the defensive quite a bit when no one is attacking. I think that's a very common theme in her life where it's like, you are not under attack. There's another instance. This was like the final one where we left and she didn't speak to me again. She was on this end of the table. And another friend of mine is on the very opposite end of the table. It's like a really long table. It fits 12 and there's only eight of us. So we got in the bill and some people had been drinking and some weren't.

And so she decided to, she's like doing the math to figure out how much everyone owes. decided to, she's like doing the math to figure out how much everyone owes and she has it all figured out. And she is like, okay, for the bill. And my one friend that she doesn't know well speaks up and is like, oh, I have an app. Like if you need help splitting it. And she's like, I already did the fucking math, but if you don't trust me, and like tosses the bill and the stuff like to the middle of the table and is like, I'm going for a walk. I just put my head down. I was like, oh my God. She sounds either like either she's reactive or going through something. I don't know.

What it sounds like to me on this end, hearing your story, is that you are acting more like her therapist who was on a trip with her on vacation. And she's constantly disappointing you with her decisions. And you feel like a failure as a therapist rather than a friend. So you're not going to be able to change her. You're not her therapist, her mentor, your. You're not going to be able to, you're not her therapist, her mentor, your parent, you can't tell her what to do. So this is who she is for the most part.

And I think you're just for your own well being, you just have to, you can share your disappointment and talk with her about like, Hey, this bothered me, but I wouldn't make it a project for you to get her to see what you see and maybe it's just a difference and maybe she's just going through something i don't know i mean it's possible she's going through something and doesn't know how to say it

or maybe she doesn't even know how to contextualize what she's feeling and maybe she doesn't want to tell you her friend the therapist who like might therapize her or whatever or you know make her feel like she's doing something wrong i don't know you know who who really knows but i think in terms of just for yourself and for you to kind of let this go i think you just maybe just accept that that wasn't the type of environment that she was going to thrive in and then take that for what it is. Reframe your expectations as her maid of honor planning her wedding to like prepare yourself, you know, like limit your expectations. How much? Hey, you're the bride.

What do you want? What do you want from me? You know, and if you don't want to be her maid of honor, you don't have to be a maid of honor, you know? Yeah. But if you're willing to be her maid of honor, then, you know, maid of honor is kind of take a beating sometimes. And it can be, you know, but like, don't be her maid of honor. If all you're going to do is write a bunch of mental IOUs to yourself of how she owes you for what you're willing to do for her. You know, like don't be her friend just so you can tell yourself

you're being a better friend to her than she is to you. Right. You know, stuff like that. And we all do stuff like that, you know, because what you really should have done in that week, and again, I know you sound like you had fun, but once you realize that she just wasn't going to be her best self, you should just been like, this is not my problem and I'll reconvene. But like, you know, you wanted her to have fun and you want it, you know, you want, you know, and I get all that, but it, I think you're wasting a lot of your energy on things that you can't control when it comes to this friend and i think you are uh making a situation harder than it needs to be i think just focus on the friendship

and then ask yourself what do i really need from this friendship to for it to remain a friendship because it sounds like you still want to remain her friend and it sounds like you still can nothing fireable but like again you just you just got to reframe your expectations right now and that's okay like listen like she's not the same friend she was when you guys were 20 that's fine and you're different and you have different wants and needs and she's different she has different wants and needs but you're still in each other's lives and at some and and time's gonna go by five or ten years gonna go by and and her life will change and your life will change and who fucking knows what's gonna go by, five or 10 years is gonna go by and her life will change and your life will change and who fucking knows what's gonna happen

or what your life's gonna look like where you might just be, you know? We've all been like shitty versions of ourselves. We've gone through periods of our life where we just can't get out of our own way. We're just self-centered and we're down on ourselves and we feel like we can't catch a break so we become more self-centered and more into our bullshit.

And the world's out to get us. And the world's out to get us. And we feel validated because we feel so wrong. We can't catch a fucking break. And everyone else that sees us, it's like self-centered and rude. Yeah. You know?

And maybe that's what she's going through right now. And maybe she just needs a little bit more empathy and love and patience. And I'm not saying she deserves it, but like, that's what being a friend is for, you know? And I wouldn't like, don't,

don't, don't make it your mission, you know, learn how to disconnect from being a friend to her versus like, you know, constantly thinking about it and figuring out what you could say to her and trying to get her to see how you see things. It just might,

you just might need to support her with love and let her know that you're there for her and just keep reminding her. And if you ever need to talk, just, just know I'm a phone call away. But right now, I mean, I'm seeing some of these messages,

messages. It's a lot of lecturing. It's a lot of telling her where you thought she fucked up and what she should do differently and what she did wrong. And you might be right about all those things, but you're not getting through to her you know no and it's only just making you more frustrated and more mad and maybe i think you just might need to change your approach um and just say listen at the end of the day i know i

still want to be your friend i'm a little frustrated let me like some time needs to pass like whatever where she was just never gonna make me happy on my birthday yeah that makes sense i go back and forth between feeling like she wants me to treat her like my responsibility but then make her specifically ask yeah yeah no or she just want to take your advice or she just wants to vent, you know, or maybe she just wants to feel sorry for herself or maybe she's just like this with everyone. I mean, I know what it's like. I've been that person and I have a lot of friends who've been through ruts and they're

insufferable to be around, you know, and they're self-centered and you feel pity for them. But like, you know, maybe she's just fucking going through it. Yeah. you feel pity for them but like you know maybe she's just fucking going through it yeah you know but i unless she specifically says you know i i want you to really come down on me and i you know like then then she doesn't you know she's true right now in this period that whatever she's going through you don't need her for emotional support you don't need her to make sure you have fun on your birthday you don't need her for a lot of You don't need her to make sure you have fun on your birthday. You don't need her for a lot of things right now. She needs you.

And maybe how she needs you is not how you want to be there for her. Maybe she just needs you to just be. So yeah. You know, do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy right now? I think you want to be right. You are correct.

All right. Well, I've been there. Yeah it nick all right well hopefully this was helpful uh we would love we would love an update um however this update is yeah just keep us posted on the friendship uh we'd really appreciate it all right take care are you as well. Thanks for your time. All right. Bye bye. Of course. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget Kathy Kelly to recap the Bachelor Georgia from Perfect Match for Going Deeper. Send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com.

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