The Viall Files - E559 Ask Nick - DNA Tests Revealed Mom’s Affair

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we read an email from a listener who is having some sister drama before an upcoming wedding. We then get our latest Breakup Song of the Week submission, courtesy of Amanda’s personal vault. Our first caller took DNA tests with her sister only to find out that they don’t share the same dad. However, because her sister and her mother aren’t on speaking terms, it’s up to her to bring this to her mother and get answers. Our next caller is wondering if she should go on a date with a man who broke her heart ten years ago. Is it fate that they came back into each other’s lives, or is he just stringing her along? Our final caller is wondering if she should break up with her long term boyfriend because he might be a fuckboy. We discuss why he’s still in communication, and if fuckboys can ever really change.  “The ego isn’t always a bad thing.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://www.viallfiles.supportingcast.com Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Babbel - Right now, get up to 55% off your subscription when you go to https://BABBEL.com/viall BetterHelp - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/VIALL and get on your way to being your best self. AloMoves - For a limited time, Alo Moves is offering our listener a free 30-day trial PLUS 50% off an annual membership. But you can only get it by going to https://www.ALOMOVES.com and use the code VIALLFILES in all caps. Hungryroot - Right now, Hungryroot is offering The Viall Files listeners 30% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. Just go to https://www.Hungryroot.com/VIALL EarthBreeze - Now’s the time to try Earth Breeze, because right now, our listeners can subscribe and save 40%! Go to https://EARTHBREEZE.com/viall to get started. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell

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Babbel.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Babbel, language for life. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I'm your host Nick, joined by the household of Derek, Allie, and Amanda. What an episode we have for you today. How's everyone doing? I was going to say bopping, then I was like,

that's an Amanda answer. I was like, I've started to just take her vocabulary. Yeah. You're syncing up. Bopping. Boop-a-da-bop. Boop-a-da-bop.

Although a lot of people were like, that's a wives tale. And I did Google it. That women sync? Yeah. That's an old wives tale? Well, because then I started Googling it.

Per our conversation on the last recap with Susie and Andrew. And then I started Googling it. Per our conversation on the last recap with Susie and Andrew. Yeah. And then I started Googling it. And then an OBGYN was like, that's not a thing. And I was like, tell me why it's happened in every living situation I've had then. 100%.

Tell me why. 100%. Isn't your mom an OBGYN? Yeah. I should just ask my mom. She'd for sure know the answer. So some people think it's not a thing. Yeah.

A lot of people are saying it's just a big myth. It's definitely a thing. Yeah. Lived experience. Between the two of us. Oh. Yeah. A lot of people are saying it's just a big myth. It's definitely a thing. Yeah. Lived experience. Between the two of us. Oh, yeah. And that's what we do in this household. Because you didn't need to know.

Derek, are we synced up yet? No. Yeah. What's the male equivalent? I don't know. I don't know. Well, I mean, it doesn't even sound like this is real. Don't negate our experience, Nick.

What a typical man. Yeah, I know. What's going on? Okay. So I want to talk to you guys about one of the emails we got on Ask Nick, because I think it's an interesting situation that a lot of the details are like in the email. So I feel like we'll have enough to go off of. And it's, I think, inspired by like, you know, we had our maid of honor firing situation

on texting office hours. And so it's our maid of honor firing situation on texting office hours and so it's another maid of honor thing and i personally i just think maid of honor stuff is the most like fascinating like we've had a couple of them because i think you and i are talking about two different ones but weddings and maid of honor and bridal parties some intense stuff you're talking people you are closest to you've probably had a long-term relationship with and like a very formalized way of demonstrating love so this this person wrote in and said, my sisters are twins and three years older than me. I'm 26. One of them, Anna, is getting married in May and we recently had her bachelorette party in the same city as her twin, Josie, who lives with her husband. Anna and I

have both drifted away from Josie ever since she moved there five years ago. The weekend was good but unsurprisingly a little weird. We stayed at Josie's house and her husband was there every night we got back

even though his mom lives in the same city and he could have easily stayed with her. Josie said she didn't even think about asking him to do that. There were some other comments

she made. She wanted the two sisters were visiting the other sister. For a bachelorette party. Sure. But they wanted him to like leave his house.

Yeah, because it's a bachelorette party. So yeah. So what they're saying is like he was basically like harshing the vibe. Like they get back from a night out and it's like. There's a man waiting for them. Or like, yeah, there's like a husband there. Yeah. I'm not saying it's an insane ask at all but i

wouldn't expect him to come up with that idea or even her natalie's sister wants to do her bachelorette party in la and natalie agrees to host all of the girls you're gonna stay yeah it's my house okay yeah i'm not gonna'm not going to just be like, you know what? I'm just going to leave my house and get a hotel. Yeah. Like if, if Nally said, Hey babe, like, I think it's just going to be way more convenient. We have a nice house to entertain people. Everyone wants to use the pool and the hot tub in the backyard. Like, would you like mine not being here? I would be like, would you like mind not being here? I would be like, cool. You wouldn't come up with the idea yourself. I'm not going to come up with the idea. I see, I see. That's for sure.

And I don't know if Nally would. I just think in this situation, this was an expectation of the two sisters. And I don't think it's a crazy ask, but when they said, you know, she didn't think of it, I can understand why. And I just, she didn't think of it. I can understand why. And I just I don't think it's I hope the sisters are not seeing this as a something they thought those two people living there should have come up with. It seems to me like a very like lawyery point where like you've already built this narrative that like this sister fucked up Josie fucked up in some way and so you're going back and being like and she didn't even ask him to leave where it's like had that been a big concern

of yours before you were like mad or at a breaking point with her like you could have addressed it they're married she's married she's starting a life with this guy you know and there seems like they're in different stages of their life yeah I'm definitely not fucking leaving my house I'm not offering to leave my house okay well all right let's continue so she goes on to say there were some other comments that josie made that anna and i were really annoyed with and it eventually boiled over into a two-hour discussion about how we don't feel close to josie anymore there were tears and talks about her childhood and josie got very defensive because she thought we were, quote, coming at her.

And I'm willing to bet she was right to feel that way. We've never had a conversation like this, so it was good to get everything out. I thought we ended on a good note. Yeah, fair. Like, it is just hard when there's two against one. Two against one. No matter how. I'm not saying anyone did anything wrong, but I don't think Josie was crazy for feeling ganged up on.

The next morning, Josie told Anna she doesn't want to be her maid of honor anymore. These are twins. The wedding was two months away at this point. Anna was obviously heartbroken, but decided to give Josie some time to cool off and tried to talk about it a week later. She texted Josie and they had a phone call that rehearsed the discussion we all had the week prior rehashed the discussion we all had the week prior rehashed the discussion we all had the week prior there was no mention of the maid of honor situation so Anna is hurt and doesn't know what to do at this point should she let Josie stay in the wedding as a bridesmaid try to fix the relationship and have her be the maid of honor and Anna put it

in Josie's hands to decide but it will likely cause like additional drama when mom. That's the mistake. Anna, take charge of your wedding. That's my advice. Josie saying, I don't want to be your bridesmaid is I'm almost, I'm guessing, cause I don't know and I don't, I'm not talking to any of them.

That's, I want to be, I want to feel wanted. I want, you know, I'm guessing Josie, whether she realizes or not, in the back of her mind when she said, I don't want to be your bridesmaid anymore, deep down was hoping that Anna would say, no, you have to be my bridesmaid. I love you.

And it means a lot to me. And I won't accept no for an answer. Like you're my twin. Obviously you're going to be my maid of honor. Well, yeah, I think that's the distinction. She said she didn't want to be the maid of honor.

So now it's like, does she keep her at a bridesmaid? Whatever. But there's a separate level. I understand that, but I'm just, I'm talking about Josie declining the offer to be the maid of honor. And I don't think she really didn't want to be the maid of honor.

She wanted to be wanted. And either way, Anna needs to take charge of her own wedding and needs to stop like wanting Josie to act a certain way. It's her wedding. Josie has a right to move, I guess not move on, but like she's at a different stage of her life that I'm guessing in a couple of years, Anna, assuming her marriage goes well, will relate to Josie in a couple of years couple years you know but she's not there yet so part of the reason why she's relating to other sister is they probably even though despite being twins have more in common with where they're at in their life so yeah i think there's a lot of

passive aggressive communication going on here if i'm anna i would take and if you want josie to be in your uh wedding party and you want Josie to be in your wedding party and you want her to be your maid of honor, I think you should one more time say, I very much want you to be my maid of honor and here's why. And I hope you say yes. I don't think you should make any decisions

based off of spite. This is not the time to punish someone or make an example of someone. Like, you know, lead with love. But could you could one argue that Josie was making that decision out of spite? Like, well, you guys are going to be mad at me. So I yeah, they all were talking about from now going forward. I think everyone should just take their pride out of it. I think everyone should just take their pride out of it

you know they but they listen this all started from what I heard of the two sisters confronting the one sister up to this point it sounds like Josie was like we're all good and then like invited them to their house meanwhile the two sisters are like motherfucker supposed to leave you know

and they're probably thinking like leave my no granted I don't know these women so I don't what the fuck you want to leave my okay no granted i don't know these women so i don't know the situation why is it at their house if they want privacy get a fucking hotel but it's like i think it's that thing of like it's my wedding like kind of playing the like it's my birthday card where it's like you make special exceptions you bend over backwards a little bit because you want someone to have a good time and i feel like they are saying this i feel like they are saying the house thing because it

was a vibe thing I think they felt like she wasn't fully engaged the whole weekend like she wasn't like wanting to be there they felt that distance coming up and so they were like looking for something tangible to like be like this is what it is when it was so much of it was just that indescribable like when you're in person I just think when someone's not meeting your expectations and unless these expectations are like universally like duh like i don't know what i don't can't think of an example but you know i don't know just general politeness like saying thank you you know but like this isn't a universal expectation like we're you know pop off in the comments i'm guessing there's going to be some discourse and if someone doesn't meet your expectation the best way like it's not a good way to just like

tell them like you need to empathize with their point of view like why didn't you do this you should have done this i feel less connected and i guarantee you the way these sisters went about it was probably in a way that was very like again felt very ganged up on and it made her feel like she was doing all these wrong things. And it probably felt like completely out of left field for Josie is my guess. It was like, it probably was just like, what the fuck?

Or she'd felt like self-conscious about the distance. And then like she self isolates and it's like not a healthy way of dealing with stuff, but it's like, and yeah, I see how it's like kind of a, to break the stalemate of someone who's self-isolating you have to like reach out i guarantee you she was made to feel like it was all her fault what were you gonna say ali because i

know you were like in in terms of like what should happen here like there is this it's an interesting point because it's like there's maid of honor bridesmaid not the wedding party yeah and i the only reason i wanted to talk about is because like one of their questions was do we keep a maid of honor do we is she a bridesmaid at all and i feel like like my grandma had this rule that she imparted to all of her children my mom then imparted it to my sister and i of like it does not matter how close you are with your siblings they are still your siblings so when it comes to your bridal party and when it specifically comes to your maid of honor and your best man like my grandma's rule of thumb is that friendships change but family doesn't go anywhere so even if you and your sister aren't like besties

she's your maid of honor and like it's just i feel like it's a good rule of thumb too where even if she's not the maid of honor and she doesn't want to take on those responsibilities since this all went down do everything you can to just at least have her in the bridal party like you're all sisters you're always going to be sisters just because this happened two months before the wedding i don't want you to look back and be like well fuck she wasn't in the pictures there's absolutely no logical reason why she shouldn't be in the wedding party other than spite this is not even about a wedding this is about the closeness of sisters and it just happens to fall while a wedding is being planned. And so the wedding is being kind of used

as a way to fight this fight. It's being almost weaponized. It's like, oh, you don't want to be my maid of honor? You don't want to be at my wedding party? But yeah, to Ally's point, like, you might not end up regretting it. I don't know if I necessarily agree with Grandma, like, you have to have your siblings

in your wedding party, but I do agree that friends change and families forever. I just, I can picture this conversation. And I wish they did call in because I'd be willing to guess, especially with, because I'm more on team-

Josie. Josie than the ones who wrote in. But they probably have this expectation that she should be the one reaching out. And she pulled away and she moved. So it's like her fault for having the distance. And I'd be really curious of how much they've tried to reach out and how much effort they put in. You know, this definitely falls under the thing we say all the time.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? And right now they want to be right. I think there's also an explanation that Josie just like distanced kind of like cut them out is showing no interest. And it's like you're a maid of like the the playbook, the rules of being a maid of honor is you put up with shit like I feel like that is your job. You deal with all the shit. You take all the heat for people being pissed about how much the airbnb costs for the bachelorette party like you just you deal with

all this stuff and like the whole idea of the role is subjugating your own needs to be there and to be supportive of the bride cue me that's not the conversation they had like if the conversation was like hey listen and we had a caller recently talk about this which was like listen maybe i didn't set expectations of what I wanted the role of the maid of honor to be. And like, maybe you're just not down to meet those expectations despite our closeness. And despite you being my best friend or my sister, like I just practically speaking need a maid of honor who's like willing to step up and do this stuff because I can't do it by myself. That's not the conversation they were having. They were

having a conversation about the closeness and like the falling out and the distance has been created in this you know sister dynamic and again they've weaponized the the wedding was weaponized by everyone even even josie kind of weaponized it by being like fine you don't feel as close to me i don't want to be your maid of honor anymore like i'm not defending josie for that like that decision i think she was kind of being a baby about it but i i don't think it's because she doesn't want to be the maid of honor anymore. Like I'm not defending Josie for that, like that decision. I think she was kind of being a baby about it, but I, I don't think it's because she doesn't want to be the maid of honor. She just feels like, I think she feels attacked and I'm guessing that she just feels out of left field and she's like, I'm literally having you over at my house and you guys want me to leave? Her husband probably thinks the two sisters are nuts. Yeah. And I don't think

they're nuts. I just think feelings have been been hurt and instead of dealing with this growing apart it's just this all happened at the wrong time it shouldn't have happened at this bachelorette party so to speak you know fights always seem worse when they happen at a time where you're think you're supposed to have fun oh we're gonna have the greatest weekend of all time. And then a fight happens. Oh, it feels 10 times worse. So I just think feelings are high and emotions are high. And it was just a really bad time to have this fight. And I think cooler heads should prevail. And I think Anna should focus on being happy on her wedding, take charge of her wedding and stop worrying about being right and stop using her wedding as a way to fight with her sisters about something that doesn't

really have to do with her wedding. I was kind of thinking because Josie is married, I know some people will do a matron of honor and a maid of honor. And so I would advocate for promoting the person who wrote in promoting the other sister to maid of honor, having Josie be matron of honor and that way like you're kind of honoring yourself of like i'm setting myself up with a maid of honor who has made me feel like valued and like she has my back and like she wants to make everything to have this day possible while also still like chasing josie and being like i love you i know there's distance yeah i know i think anna should insist on josie remaining the maid of honor

or matron or whatever the fuck and certainly being the wedding party. And if she's not, it's just because Josie's like, listen, I love you. And honestly, like, I want to be in your wedding party, but like, I just don't want to disappoint you and your wedding and not meet your expectations. So if someone else is a better fit, I won't be offended if it's not that, you know, but, you know, that's the conversation that should happen. end it. If it's not that conversation, you know, but it, you know, that's the conversation that should happen. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. It's time to get therapy. Listen, therapy has been such a huge part of my life. Truly. It has helped my relationships. It's helped my personal life. It's helped my anxiety. And so if you are someone who's ever thought about therapy, it's time to take charge of your mental health and better help

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Anyways, tell us what you think in the comments. We're really curious, because I'm guessing there's a lot of opinions and people would disagree with me. So pop off. We have a great episode lined up for you. But before we do, don't forget that tomorrow we will be talking with Ariel because we're going to be talking with her tonight.

AFR is tonight. It's live. It's a three-hour event. And right after, Ariel is going to be coming to our studio and talking about everything about this season, the finale, sex week, all that fun stuff. We'll see what drama unfolds tonight. I suspect there will be some,

and we are excited to break it down. So the Going Deeper episode, again, will be tomorrow with Ariel. And then the recap for the episode will be Thursday. With Ashley Gavin. With Ashley Gavin, hysterical comedian big basher fan it's going to be a ton of fun so we're just mixing up the schedule a little bit don't forget vile file plus is available for all you people who love your updates uh we have some

more special updates we'll be continuing to do more and more updates behind vile files plus so don't miss that and again we're not taking anything away from you. Not taking anything away. So you'll have your update episode. So the update episode, update special behind Vile Files Classic or not Vile Files Plus is this Friday. So it's a great, it's a real, it's a good update. Real, real good update. You're going to love it.

So that is this Friday, not behind Vile Files Plus, but if you want even more, because we only do so many updates. There's so many updates that we can do, so many updates we do, and all the other ones behind Vile Files Plus. Plus, Better Date Than Never this Thursday live at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific. For all the people who can't make Better Date Than Never, all the episodes of Better Date Than Never are behind Vile Files Plus. So just go to vile vile files.com to subscribe it's really easy to do you just hit a couple buttons and bam you're a vile file plus member you get a seven day free trial so check it out oh breakup song of the week

yeah so i'm actually going to be a little bit of a dictator and do it there's a song that i've been wanting to put on this playlist for so long that i have decided i am going to to go in and it's called shampoo bottles by peach fit and i okay the reason this song deserves to be on this playlist is because it talks so effectively about all the little things you see that remind you of your ex and like that weird little like shattered world you live in after a breakup where like your companion is no longer there, but there's like the remnants of what was. And it's just like a really it's like earworm gets stuck in the head and I think does an amazing job of describing how it's like really like the little things that can be the hardest to let go of.

Oh, well, check out our uh breakup uh playlist on spotify and keep voting in love song march madness there you go all right let's get to our callers let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going good i'm ke'm Kelly. I'm 25. How can we help, Kelly? My sister and I just got our 23andMe results back and found out we have different dads and I don't know what to do about it. Oh, boy. Okay. How did that happen? How did you find out that you had different dads?

So my sister got her results back first. Okay. And had no paternal matches. that you had different dads? So my sister got her results back first. Okay. And had no paternal matches. She found matches on my mom's side. So she manually searched my dad and it said 0% DNA in common for at least four generations back. So like not possible that they're related at all.

So she immediately called me. And she thought that you two had the same father. Oh yeah, our whole lives. So she literally found out her dad is not her dad through this, what was supposed to be this fun DNA test. Yeah, she was doing it as moral support for her husband because he has never met his dad. So he was just trying to find out some like background info on his family. And so she was like, Oh,

I'll do it with you for fun. And then boom. Do you, uh, do you guys look like, like once you found that out where you're like, Oh, we do kind of look more different than we realized.

Yeah. Like things started making sense um i've always looked a lot like my dad and she's always looked a lot like my mom and um it was kind of just like a joke growing up but obviously never questioned anything like that um yeah because she's older than me by the way yeah so what what are you debating here has she has she confronted your mom about this so only she and i know right now i mean other than me like running my mouth to my friends but like she has not we have not talked to my dad we have not talked to our mom what's your relationship like a good relationship what's your relationship like with your dad

really good what's her relationship with your dad also Also, also really good. Okay. Um, she has a pretty bad relationship with my mom. Do you think, so do you even have an idea whether he knows or not? My gut tells me he doesn't. Um, it would like be really upsetting if he did. He's such a good guy. I just can't imagine he knows anything about this.'s like remarried so my sister's plan is for her to like talk to my dad but my sister and my mom do not talk so it's really on my plate to talk to my mom so that's my biggest concern so like around the like this is a very this this is a this is a complicated one i i when it comes to like moral dilemmas i i feel like it's easier for me to like say something is black or white versus other people but this one's tough this one's tough because like do you tell your father, who, for what you suspect, he has no idea.

And you suspect that he believes he's both the father to you and your sister, and he has nothing but love. And do you tell a man this information that will only break his heart? tell a man this information that will only break his heart or is the right thing to do to tell him even if it will break his heart so that you have he and your sister can like still have an honest relationship because your sister knows so it's may might be too much for your sister to try to hide this from your her her dad there's no right way. So it sounds like your sister wants to tell your dad. Yeah. They've got a good relationship. She's already said it doesn't change anything. But she really, pretty black and white was like, it's going to be on you to tell mom, I'm not going to let this be the thing that makes me talk to her after two years.

Why aren't they talking? So I was like, oh boy, that's a great question. I don't think either of them know. It was like a fight two or three years ago and it got nasty and they just don't talk and they haven't. And so, but this isn't something that I could personally just ignore as far as it goes with my relationship with my mom. Are you fine carrying this burden? Because like, I could personally just ignore as far as it goes with my relationship with my mom. Are you fine carrying this burden? Because as much as I empathize with your sister, it's not necessarily your job. Yeah.

I don't know. It would be a choice. I feel like I have to take my sister's lead on this because it feels like it's her news. It is. And it would be a very nice thing for you to do it would certainly be supportive but like you i think it's still healthy for you to recognize that you still have a choice honestly like maybe this is the right time for your sister to re-engage with mom to confront mom it's not like she's coming to her mom with like good news. Your mom's not getting off here.

You know, like it's your sister, like whatever anger she might have. She's certainly feel valid. This is whatever anger sister had felt before your mom. This is only validating it. That was my thought. Yeah. What's your comfort level? Like, are you only doing this because your sister's literally making you?

No, I, I wouldn't be able to not say something. I mean, I've known about this for two weeks. And my mom and I talk multiple times a day. And it kills me every time we talk to not bring it up. So you have a pretty close relationship with mom. Like, yeah, surface level. But mom's a bit of a problem? She's tough to have real conversations with.

Okay. But you do your best to maintain a relationship. Yeah, totally. I just try to avoid the heavy hitters. And so I worry what approach to take this conversation. I don't want to come into it accusatory. I don't want to come into it like she's not in any sort of blame. I don't know what approach to take at all.

Well, I guess if I'm shooting from the hip here, not in any sort of blame. Like I don't know what approach to take at all. So, uh, well, I guess if I'm shooting from the hip here, uh, I would, uh, if you're going to address mom, yeah, I would be kind and it would say,

Hey, you'd get asked her to get together. You'd meet her in person and to say, I have some, like I have something interesting and kind of shocking to tell you and you don't you don't come with a question you just tell her what you tell her what you told us me and jenny did a 20 like to did a 23 and me the you know for fun and yeah we got some interesting news i would also tell the story to your mom slowly.

And I would pay very attention to her body language as you tell it slowly. You see if she starts giving away what, you know, like you'll, she might reveal that she knows what's coming. She might not. I don't know. But I would, I would just, I would, I would just, I wouldn't rush through it. And then you just tell her. I think there's no way to not have a hunch. So I think there will be a give.

Yeah, and it's not like, is this true? Because you know it's true. Be like, can you explain this to me? Yeah, I'd be curious. I'll do that. I'm seeing her, but i won't see her in person until april oh well facetime then i guess okay yeah okay yeah i mean it's tough but it's like i do want to hear an explanation of some sort because though it is like my sister's

news it like rocks everything like it affects everyone how's she doing with this i i had talked to my aunt i talked to my aunt about it i got permission from my sister to ask my aunt if she mom sister anything about my mom's to see if she knew anything about my mom's dating history like before my dad because we don't know much and my aunt was like no i don't know anything she's like tell your sister to like stay calm like it's probably nothing and i was like oh it's something probably it's like no literally not my dad uh i know she just like what she wasn't understanding like 23 and me like that they're not gonna fumble it that much um my sister's like weirdly calm about everything like i think i

feel like i'm the one freaking out about it and she's just like we don't talk about it unless i bring it up i can feel it she seems so level-headed about it yeah i think it's good to check in with her even if she seems calm because you never really know how she could be processing it you know just ask her how she's doing. If she's not in therapy already, like I would absolutely encourage her to like, just look into it. Cause it's gotta be a lot. Yeah.

You know, I can't, I can literally only imagine what it'd be like to be in her shoes. But the good news is she has a great relationship with her dad and he is her dad by all accounts and that's important and special and she still has that and there's a lot of love there and that sounds amazing and so it could be a lot worse but absolutely it's still something she's going to process and deal with and she's going to feel feelings from it and it's good that she processes those feelings

and not push those feelings down and pretend they're not there because feelings don't go away. You know, you can push them down for, for only so long before they find other ways to like kind of leak out and rise. And usually when that happens, it's usually an unproductive and toxic ways. Yeah. So I think they've got, they've got a history of that, my sister and my mom so yeah give give your sister a lot of love and support and just say you know remind her how lucky is that you know to have dad but to say you know like let's talk about it like i'm sure i know you are fine but like you still how does this make you feel? Because it must make you feel something.

And it's okay for you to feel upset or angry or sad. Whatever you're feeling, totally valid, sis. But let's talk about it. And if you don't want to talk about it with me, that's totally fine. But I really think this is something you, like therapy's great and it's healthy. And like, this is the type of shit

that therapy is there for. Because I just don't want you to like and also in the meantime since you haven't been talking to mom which regardless is like it's a lot you know it's not nothing that you're not talking to mom so like also therapy really and i'm not your therapist i'm your sister could be the one good thing yeah yeah like come at it with it it with, like, if this is going to be the thing that makes her talk to mom, like, at least it's not mom feeling like she won the argument for three years. How's mom going to win? Yeah.

Like, your sister has the, this is the upper hand of all upper hands. Oh, my God. I know. Yeah. But it's really not about winning. It's about healing and your sister needs to heal and she is not going to heal unless she addresses her feelings and the fact that she seems fine is probably more of a cover than a reality you know like so as your as her sister

who cares about her i would just encourage her to um you can't make her get therapy but you can you can gently persist and you've been talking to her a lot about like things that my therapist is saying and like trying to like push her towards the therapy ledge yeah and just keep going and that's all you can do because you can't make her do it but you could just let her know that like it's it's okay to feel and it sounds like your sister likes to pretend that she's fine and in the meantime like just remember like it's i know you love your sister and you want to be there for her but you're not her therapist you're not her mom and you're not there to like do her bidding and deal with her emotional like trauma and stress because she doesn't want to it's not your job it's tough i feel like i just want to be there for her because it feels like

it would be harder for her totally always be there for her for sure but it's okay for you to push back sometimes it's okay for you to say you know i want to be there for you i want to do whatever you want i'm there for you but like i really think that you should tell mom and this is something you should confront mom what what is it going to accomplish by me telling mom i'm just like i'm only going to relay information it's not productive so like you know if you want me to tell mom just to let her know that you that she knows you fucked up, that she can feel bad. But what is that accomplishing sis?

Like at the end of the day, let's just set a boundary so hard. Yeah. Let's just heal. Let's just get through this. Let's be happy. Let's, let's work through this.

It's also like the last thing she wants right now is to have any other kind of like a strange event or tension with family family members because like her relationship with her dad has just been potentially like recontextualized and he's still her dad ever. It doesn't in any way eliminate the history. But I think it's like doing everything you can to preserve your relationship, which probably like as much as that might feel like it would be like being there for her and appeasing her in every way. Like I think maybe drawing those kind of like more pragmatic boundaries about being like, hey, like we're getting into therapist territory and I'd really love for you to go or like I can tell mom this, but I can't tell her too much because like it's also really important that you two like have one another as you like

process this. Yeah, I think I like in the past I've really tried hard like to set boundaries, which is something that's so difficult for me with both of them to be like please don't talk about mom to me don't talk about my sister to me um because i felt like i was in the middle so much for so many years and so with this i was like oh like i get it but i this is like breaking like this is the break breaking of the boundary like bigger than ever yeah no one's checking on you yeah that's right yeah i'll check it on you wait till my sister talks to my dad and then once i get once that's done then i think i'll be a little okay but like more okay to encourage my sister to talk to mom because i don't want to do it but and i would say that you have a right to feel that way and it's just like what do you hope to accomplish by me telling mom i'd love that answer from her but i want to know what she hopes to accomplish

because every time we ask someone to do something there's a goal in mind i'd love to know what that goal is. I wonder if she can articulate it or if she even thought about it. My guess is the real answer is some version of like, she wants mom to know that she fucked up. And then she wants mom to call her up on bended knee and then your sister can have power over her yeah or just know that like she's not going to talk to her about it so she i think she's like wanting mom to like stew over it

and just like feel frustrated that she can't talk it through with my sister which isn't fair to either of them but it's like yeah i love you but like you're and that's why you should ask her the question because you need to almost reverse engineer to the point where she realizes that ultimately what she wants is your mom to suffer. She wants payback. Yeah. And that's a natural feeling. I would, and I understand and empathize with why she feels that way, but she should at least name it because like, it's, you know, when we get really hurt by someone and we're really mad, you know, it's, it's normal to feel anger and want to hurt. It's normal to want to hurt people the way they hurt you.

But we often don't name that. We will call it something else so that we can justify it rather than just being like, yeah, I know you hurt me, so I want to hurt you. justify it rather than just being like, yeah, I don't know, you hurt me, so I want to hurt you. And then when you say it out loud, you can be like, well, do I want to be that person who does the same thing that, you know, do I, as much as that feeling is valid, do I really want to be that person? You know, do I want to lower myself to the level of the person who hurt me? But like, sometimes we have to just say it out loud so we can realize what we're doing because like in the moment of pain and anger, we're not thinking like adults. We're not thinking rationally.

We're not thinking how we want to be treated or how we want to treat people. We're just thinking about the anger and we're thinking about it's fight or flight. It's survival. Yeah, that's so true. I like hadn't thought about that. I just thought of it as like me doing a favor for my sister. And instead of like, I love that question about making her think about why she wants me to do it. Yeah. Just kind of guide her to the truth, so to speak. Totally. ultimately what do you want from this like this is this is tough news i'm sorry it's your but like

do you want to use this as an opportunity to make relationships healthier and better or do you want this to be something that makes relationships worse and more toxic like do you want to be happy or right you know like let's just be happy and let's figure out a way to be happy together because i love you and you love me and we love dad and i know you're mad at mom but somewhere deep down i know you love her too and i'm guessing you're hurting as much as she's hurting so let's just figure this out let's just try to be happy and i'm here for you every step of the way because I love you and I'll never abandon you. But like, let's, let's use this as an opportunity. This is an opportunity. That's so good. And if she ever wants to like know who this guy is,

she's going to have to ask my mom about that. Like, I'm not, I don't know who it is. Correct. It's, this is an opportunity and she you've got to try to help your sister see that and just remind yourself you're not her therapist or her servant, and you're not there to do all the emotional heavy lifting that she doesn't want to or is willing to do. You know what I'm saying? Because she probably doesn't want to,

and she's probably not even capable, but she's not capable because she's not willing to do the work. And since you're doing the work and you're doing therapy, she's expecting you to do all the emotional heavy lifting for her and that's just not fair or productive.

You're not being a good sister to her by doing all her emotional heavy lifting. I mean, you're a great sister, I'm sure, but you know what I'm saying? At some point, being the good sister, being the good friend is enforcing the boundary and saying no. My therapist would kiss you on the mouth if she heard you say that. I'm in a relationship. Wow, that's great. Yeah, I'll talk to, I'll talk to my sister before everything else goes down.

Okay. That's really great. Yeah. I'll talk to, I'll talk to my sister before everything else goes down. Okay. That's really great. Yeah. Thank you. Well, I'm sorry you're going through this. Thanks for the call. Great story. Thanks for your help. Yeah. Thank you. We demand an update. Of course. All right. Yeah, you got it. Tell your friend in the back, I said hi.

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All right. Sarah's also calling from Sweden. Yeah. Shout out Sweden. All right. All right. So you're considering going on. Yeah. Shout out Sweden. All right. All right. So you're considering going on a date with someone that broke your heart 10 years ago. How did they break your heart 10 years ago?

What was it just they broke your heart because they and you're how old are you? You're 26 now? Yeah. So I was 16. I was quite young. It was like the first guy that I have like a real passion. Yeah. And so what did he do anything all that bad?

How did you break your heart? Not really. No, that's the thing. Like we, and we weren't together that long, like just a few months. Okay. It was super romantic. We met like in a super romantic way, but then he just told me like, he was like, we need to talk.

And then I went to his apartment and then he just like ended i don't really remember exactly how it was in details but i don't think it was that bad it was mostly that i was like like oh my god this guy is older than me he lives in the city like he was cool how and how old is he like yeah he's 28 now and then he was 17 okay and i was like yeah so okay um so he's 28 now and how did you guys reconnect um so i bumped into him like a year ago in a bar okay where apparently he's working so yeah we bumped into each other and i asked for his number then because i haven't seen him in 10 years and i didn't know he was working there so i was like oh and then I asked for his number and asked if he wanted to like see

me and catch up after 10 years and we texted for a bit and then he stopped replying like we said we were going to meet next week but then he stopped replying and so I tried to figure out so actually he is my dad's friend's son so I went to him to my dad and asked like do you know anything about this like this your friend's son like is he seeing anyone and he was like yeah yes like he has a girlfriend and i was like oh okay that's why okay so he had a girlfriend so we didn't end up yeah that was and that was a year ago yeah so yeah that was a year ago and Yeah. So, yeah, that was a year ago. And then, so we didn't talk more after that. And then I bumped into him again, like, two or three weeks ago. Does he have a girlfriend now?

No. Like, he told me then. Like, it was such a funny moment because he, we were like, hi, how are you? Because we bumped into each other a few times, like, this winter. So, it wasn't super shocking because, like like my friends hang out where he's working so sometimes i see him but then two weeks ago he was like uh hi how are you blah blah like we normally say and then he just said like uh by the way i'm single right now so if you still want to try to catch up and have a beer like text me again and then he just walked off

i'm like oh my god what the fuck so yeah smooth so then did you text him or did you you've been playing coy the past few weeks like where are we at no i did text him like four days after like i can't be bothered to wait like i just need to know, like, what's going on. So I texted him, like, four days later. And then we actually saw each other, like, a week ago. Okay. And then I found out that they've just been broken up for two weeks. So not that long. Okay, fresh.

Yeah, super fresh. And then we talked about that for a bit. We talked, like, since we know, like, our parents know each other, we kind of easily went into, like, the deep conversations, which was quite nice and easy and just like different compared to other dates where you have to start with like yeah there's some familiarity yeah yeah yeah so where are we at now like it sounds like you've been talking he's single like what what's what are you unsure of at this point yeah so now we

saw each other it was super nice he texted me like after we saw each other that time and was like this was so nice i hope to do this again soon and when we did see each other he was like inviting me like we talked about football and then he was like oh yeah you should come with my friends and watch a football game and i was like yeah it'll be nice and then um now it's been a week since we saw each other and i haven't texted him since i know like the breakup. And I also kind of want to see if he would text me like this way for a bit. That's fair.

Yeah. Yeah. So, and then we haven't texted actually. Like he hasn't texted me anything. I haven't texted him. And it's been a week. So it hasn't been that long. But I don't really know what I should do now.

I'm either thinking of just texting him because like i know that he just like broke up with his girlfriend and it's fresh but i'm also yeah like excited to see and i also like wanna let go kind of if if that's the like case i don't know yeah no it's tough here's what i think you should do some version of it's a bit of gamesmanship you know you're gonna play games whatever i don't know because his breakup is it's two weeks so you know uh they could easily get back what did he say when did you talk about the breakup at all like what what information do you have yeah we did and like that's i don't know if it's a red flag or if it's just something you say when you like just broke up with someone it's super fresh still but he was like i don't know he was like um she helped her through like a period where he was feeling really

bad and like two years ago and then he was hoping that they would like and like he would end up loving him as he wanted to but then he didn't so now he broke up with her and um so like he he was going through some kind of personal dilemma basically you were saying yeah yeah like issues yeah so he was going through personal issues and she helped him from the beginning that's what he told me like she helped him like get through that and they were a couple then i guess from the beginning and then he felt that he like hasn't 100 been in love with her the last one and a half years okay what they've been together that's what he said okay that's kind of good news for you yeah but i don't know like at the same time, I know people that talk, he didn't talk bad about his ex.

It's a tough situation to have that conversation. You don't want to talk shit about your ex, but you also don't want to sound, especially if you're on a date or you're talking to someone that you could date, you don't want to sound like there's unresolved feelings. sound you don't want to sound like there's uh unresolved feelings so i don't know what else he said but if admitting to you that for the past year he's questioned how in love he was with her but like maybe just appreciated her willingness to be there for him and it almost sounds like and correct me if i'm wrong it almost sounds like he was basically saying, yeah, she was there for me when I needed her and I really appreciate it. But that probably kept us together longer than we should because deep down, I questioned my true feelings for her. because he was more appreciative of what she did, but didn't necessarily love her the way he wanted to love someone or the way she maybe felt like she deserved to be loved and he did a difficult thing by ending the relationship, right?

Is that accurate? Yeah. If that's the case, then I think you have less, I think the risk of him, if he's being honest, the risk of him wanting to go back to her i think is slim right because if i'm hurt i'd be a very painful thing to hear you know it's honest yeah you know but like oh you were with me when you didn't want to be with me but you kind of felt guilty because you felt like you owed me like it's honest but it's hurtful, you know? But it would be different because he could, you know,

oh, we got in a fight, or if he broke up with her, reacting to some anger, or he broke up with her, like, let's say he said, like, oh, I ended it because, like, I wanted X, and she just didn't give me X, and I finally decided to end it. Well, then I could say, say well what happens when she in two weeks from now shows up willing to do x which often happens and then people get back together but that's not what this is it was more like there's nothing she could have done i just don't

care for her which is a hard truth but so i guess all i'm saying is i think based on what you're telling me uh the runway is clear in terms of the possibility of him getting back together with her. Fine, all right. But he's still two weeks removed from a long-term relationship, and most people don't want to jump back into a relationship right away.

It's 50-50. Some people want that freedom. Some people want to jump right into a relationship because they don't know how to be single or alone. So if I were you what i would what i would do uh he hasn't reached out to you who knows why and again he could just be enjoying being single doesn't want to rush into anything so i think it's okay for you to reach out to let him know you're still kind of there you know but it's more energy of you just kind of, you know, kind of be a fuck boy in a sense, you know, like what, in this moment, I want you to be like, what would a fuck boy do?

So you just kind of let them know you're around. Hey, uh, we should do this. We should do that. And let's say you get together. I think you should, if you do hang out with them, I think you should mentally think that this guy needs to be single for a while. Right. And then like, that's the energy you should give off. You should act like around him,

that the idea, like, like dating him, isn't an option for you. That's the energy you should give him and make him almost wondering, you know, because I want him to ask you about things, you know, now, if you keep hanging out and

all of a sudden it turns into a situationship eventually you're gonna have to shift your dynamic you're gonna have to be like if you find yourself investing a lot in him more and more and he starts hanging out with you more and more and all of a sudden you're going on these regular dates and you're doing him boyfriend and girlfriend types of things but he's like hey i just got a relationship i don't want to like i don't know if I can commit. Then you're in a situation shipping. You need to get out of it as soon as possible. But right now in these very early stages, I think you just,

it's okay to let him know that you're, you're a cool and fun hang that you're available. You're fun. But like when you do hang out with them, I do think you should be kind of unavailable, you know, like, Oh,

we had fun. What are you doing next couple of days? I think you should be kind of unavailable you know like oh we had fun what are you doing next couple days i think you should be busy you should have plans and you should act kind of preoccupied and and just kind of like a bit mysterious with him and and kind of keep them guessing a little bit yeah i do think you should keep them guessing that way yeah like the like dating this is the only thing that i find hard because like i it's almost like i have to be like i i saw this other guy like two days ago and went on a date because i know like if i only see one guy like waiting for him to reply and all those things it's like

it takes so much energy so and one like i'm just trying to not think about it and and a little bit helps with like seeing other people as well because I know, like I've seen him once and I've seen this other guy twice. So I don't even know one of the guys yet. So I have to try to be busy, but it's hard when you have time. So get busy. I think it's great to date other people.

I think if you're crushing on someone, I honestly think the best thing you could do is line up I think it's, if you are crushing on someone, I honestly think the best thing you could do is line up other dates. Yeah. Because you're crushing on someone you know very little about and you're crushing on him for, you know, you think he's attractive,

you have some history, there's rapport, the romantization of the fact that you met in your 16. Like I can understand why in your mind, it's very easy for you to kind of get lost and, and fantasize about like what this could be. And that's exciting. And maybe it will be,

but the reality is you don't know much about him and you need to like bring yourself back down to like earth a little bit and, and, and make sure that you're in the right frame of mind so that when you do go out with them, you're asking them questions, you're getting to know him. You're not, you're not act, you're not getting carried away in the moment frame of mind so that when you do go out with them, you're asking them questions, you're getting to know him. You're not,

you're not act, you're not getting carried away in the moment. You're just, you're, you're enjoying the moment and then checking in with yourself about like, where's this going? And one of the best ways that keep yourself grounded is to see other people, see what else is out there. You might be surprised, you know? And then, yeah. And if it, if it gets to a point where things progress and you want to like shut

down seeing other people, great. But right now you don't, you owe nothing to anyone. You don't owe anyone anything. I think that was more, but no, no, no, no one. So yeah, see other people. And I know like, yeah, you know, you, you could have the mentality. It's like, oh, that's exhausting and blah, blah, blah. It's blah it's like yeah i guess but you could also just choose to have fun with it you could choose to see it as fun and adventurous and and liberating our perspective and how we

frame things in our head completely can change how we feel about it so if you tell yourself it's exhausting you don't want you know it's just like you could easily most people in your situation would say some version of like i just want to date him i'm excited about him i just want to date him i want to reach out to me i don't want to go with any other people i just want to focus on what i'm excited about and then you can become obsessed and you become like fixated and then you become like over kind of you know over invested in like these outcomes and then all of a sudden you're just like you know tense and you're not yourself on dates like you could do that a lot of people in your shoes would do that right or and then you could be like well i don't want like i don't want to date other people i want him

you're convincing you're something you think you want of someone you don't know or realistically you know you just do like hey i'm i'm this guy's cute i'm excited about him we had some pretty good interactions but he just got out of a relationship i also don't know much about him so i'm just going to keep dating other people. We'll see where it goes. I'm a free agent. I can have fun. I'm going to have fun meeting strangers. If it doesn't work out on a date, that's fine because like, whatever, I'm not committed to any of these people and I'm just going to be adventurous and see where it goes. And I think that's how I feel like that's what I have to do. Yeah. And then, and just challenge yourself to

enjoy it. Yeah, definitely. Because the other thing I was thinking about's how I feel like that's what I have to do. Yeah. And then, and just challenge yourself to enjoy it. Yeah, definitely. Because the other thing I was thinking about, because I felt like such a, like I'm in a rush, like after I saw him and like, when he said that,

like, if you want to go have a beer, I was like, oh my. So I think, um, I was also thinking about like, what if it's just my ego wanting like to have control over a situation,

but at the same time, I don't think i'm gonna find out unless i do it and just see him and like i don't even know who he is now like 10 years later so i have to figure that out as well yeah so just feel it out i i think it's totally fine for you to reach out to him which i think is kind of your specific question like i know it'd be nice if he reached out to you but again he just got out of a relationship a few weeks ago like Even if he was like blowing you up and asking you out like that would i'm sure would be exciting

But it's also you could see that as a red flag as well You could see that as a guy who hasn't fully processed his breakup and hasn't like just taken time for himself and And just kind of like settled into like single the single life like This could be him like approaching this breakup in a healthy way we really don't know i guess my point is you've waited a week you're you're clearly not overbearing hit him up see what he's doing a very casual like let's grab a drink or maybe you go hang out with his friends keep it very casual and let you know and and just try to really and when you do

hang out with them have the best time possible and act and act you know and give the energy of someone who's out there living life being busy dating you know you're just be mysterious yeah because like ten years ago I was so shy and I was like a completely different person and i remember we going out for dinner once 10 years ago and like he asked me questions and i i just remember like not answering because i was like answering but not asking him back and i was so nervous but now i could like and maybe that's also like a ego thing but i was like feeling a win like i am so much more outgoing now and on social and having

like you know there's nothing wrong with that like the ego is not always a bad thing and it helps us like you know do things we we sometimes think we're not capable of doing so i guess this is all great stuff i think you just have fun with it yeah and keep yourself grounded by this is an opportunity for you to kind of show a guy who had a different impression of you 10 years ago and you can just have some fun and show him a different side of you. And just for the next month, I think it would be okay for you to focus on simply just having fun with this guy and see where it goes.

If things progress, if you start sleeping with him, if you start hanging out on a regular basis, if you start investing emotional energy in him based off of the actions and activities you guys are doing, then check in with yourself because that's a

totally different situation. But right now, just have fun, get to know him and see where it goes yeah it's just so hard like because also like this other guy then it's just now i'm this is the first time i'm like oh god this is tiring dating before i've been like it's always been fun but i've come to a point where i'm like maybe also a little bit more ready for a relationship than i've been the last yeah i think it has more to do with the fact that when it comes to this one guy you're a little invested in the outcome as opposed to like these other random guys you're just like i'm gonna work i won't and so like i

think you're you're you have you have expectations a little bit with this one guy and all you would rather do is just focus on him and the fact that you are challenging yourself to go on dates so that you don't pine over this one guy that's probably where the exhaustion is coming in so i think you just need to reframe what you think about it and just acknowledge it and still choose to have fun yeah that's true yeah definitely all right oh yeah that was good all right yeah text him ask him to go watch some football with his friends have some fun and then keep us posted on what you decide to do okay

we definitely want an update thank you so much I love your podcast by the way well thank you for listening we love you I've learned so much but you promise you'll give us an update yeah yeah just like emailing you yes and I will email you all right good luck all right have fun thank you all right bye-bye how's it going hey good how are you good what's your name my name is claire and i'm 27 years old how can we help claire

so i'm thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend of four years who i live with because i think he might be a fuckboy okay why do you think he's fuckboy? So we've had like our fair share of issues. And I would say a lot of them are like a fuckboy behavior. So right before we moved in together, I found out he was Snapchatting his ex-girlfriend. And I had said before, like, I'm not okay with that. And then he liked pictures on Instagram that made me uncomfortable. And then I would say the biggest issue that we have is he does that thing where, you know, you go with your friends and it can never be a chill night turns into, you know, their shit phase, come home at 3am, essentially like things like that.

their shit phase, come home at 3am, essentially like things like that. And we had a really big issue come up. This was in November where we were sharing a car because I totaled my car and I was supposed to use it on a Saturday night to hang out with my friend that was moving out of town. And he decided to go out, not bring me back the car at all, just get drunk and do the same thing, come home at 3 a.m. And that's pretty much when I realized I shouldn't be dealing with this behavior. And I was ready to leave at that point. And he begged me to stay and told me that he would change. And, you know, since then, like nothing has really happened. But I guess, you know, you talk about how there's always that girl

that a fuckboy changes for but would it really happen this late in our relationship no it would happen immediately yeah the fuckboy yeah the person they change for

doesn't think they're a fuckboy they might find out they might find out like oh I guess you kind't think they're a fuck boy they might find out they might find out like oh i guess you kind of used to be a fuck boy didn't you yeah and like let's go back to his him text his snapchatting his ex how did you find that out so i guess the whole story with that um we actually had my family over and we were like playing music so i went on his phone to go change the music and his snapchat was open and then the first name was his ex-girlfriend's name and so i asked him about it and i'm like you know what's that about i told you i wasn't okay with you you know talking to your ex-girlfriends he was like well she actually snapchatted me you know saying that her boyfriend cheated on her and

i'm like well did you respond he's like yeah i yeah, I just responded. Cool. He's lying. And I felt like he shouldn't have just responded at all. He's lying. Okay. It's definitely not what I want. It's like a 90% chance that he cheated on you on some level. Yeah. Even if that level is she messaged him, Hey, what's up? I miss you. Whatever. Yeah, even if that level is she messaged him, hey, what's up? I miss you, whatever. And he gave her more validation than he should have. Right, because he did say, too, that she, after that happened, she said, oh, yeah, by the way, I'm coming back into town. And I'm like, well, why would she say that to you unless you opened it up?

What did he say? He was like, well, it doesn't matter because I didn't go hang out with her, right? And I'm like, that's like the bare minimum. So he did some shit. You're safer to assume he did some shit. Okay. That's definitely fair. Because when you catch your ex, when you catch your partner doing shady shit like that, you know, like Snapchatting someone that you think is inappropriate right and you catch them

and then you ask them questions about like what's this about if the truth doesn't sting at least a little bit they're lying to you okay chances are if if if their truth makes you go okay yeah i'm okay i'm okay with that you know i that's i like that answer if you like their answer they're they're they're lying to you because like what like what are the chances that you caught him in that moment and and at a time where all he responded back was cool you know right where he simply kind of seemed where he Where he simply just opened up her messages. And why were they Snapchatting to begin with? Well, exactly.

He said it was just a random Snapchat he sent her and was like, oh, my boyfriend cheated on me. I'm like, that just seems kind of weird. Plus, I kind of got this narrative that she thought he was a horrible guy. So I'm like, why would she be talking to you? So we're going to break up with him. Let's break up with him let's break up with him easy to say no i know what's the reasons to stay well so like after you know that happened he did block her on snapchat when you know i said that made me uncomfortable and then the whole thing with the liking the instagram pictures he did delete his instagram after that i don't know if that really fixes why he deleted instagram like i need to stop liking pictures right like he he was just like well it's

just causing too many problems and i'm like well you can't just like stop your finger from clicking the like button yeah but instagram isn't causing the problems you are his choices are yeah and also what's on the instagram how often does he go get hammered with the boys so he used to do it a lot more often but we actually moved and um i would say he did it like maybe once or twice a month and like interestingly he's still same situation he's still doing no not anymore not anymore now he's not doing it at all okay but like interestingly enough my parents like kind of went through the exact same thing where my dad was going out all the time and staying out until 2 a.m. So she packed up her stuff and left. And I mean, they're still married now.

So that kind of fixed him. So it's hard because I'm getting bad advice from her, but I don't think that applies to every situation. Yeah, I don't know. Tell me about him tell me give give in the next 60 seconds it's your job to make me fall in love with this guy go oh oh gosh okay well i mean he's tall he's i he's a really funny guy and I feel like I'm you know more introverted so he definitely helps me in that aspect I would say he's there for me and I feel like I can tell him everything um how does he make you feel loved that's kind of an issue we're having too is like the love language issue like for me it's like acts of service. Like I want you to like vacuum the house while I'm gone, you know? And I feel like I've told him that and it hasn't

really happened. So. So like, does he make you feel loved? I would say he does. It's just like, I can't get past the things that like he's done you know like I'm like constantly thinking about that stuff is there something maybe in your body your body's telling you that there's he's done some shit that you've either been too afraid to uncover or he just because like what he's done is like at face value not that big of a deal. I mean, I don't believe the whole Snapchat, but what you know about is not necessarily fireable. Right. But it sounds to me like you're saying that there's more. You just don't know what that is.

Right. Do you trust him? I mean, like. Do you trust him? Definitely not, no. Definitely not. Okay. Yeah.

I mean, I know that. And i did tell him like after this happened like we need to go to counseling like otherwise i don't know how i get past this because there's no way for me to trust you and what do you say he's he's like on board with it but then he said he only wants to do like one session i'm'm like, well, that's not really how that works. Right. He wants to go to one session to shut you up. Yeah. He's not trying to fix anything.

He's just trying to appease you. Yeah. Literal bare minimum. Literal. What are you going to do? I am not sure. I mean, I'm being a little, but here, here, I think you should do something. I think what you should do is trust your instincts and your instincts are telling you that you

don't trust your boyfriend, that there's more that about what he's done or is doing that doesn't add up, that he is also maybe just not emotionally mature or ready to give you the type of relationship that you want. Right. And the only thing you're hanging on is like these parallels between your parents and him that required your mom to kick out your dad for like a wake up call. So yeah,

I guess you can try that. Yeah. And I mean like they were engaged though. So I feel like that's a little more serious than where we're at. I don't know. I think a healthy approach could be you saying, uh, I'm having, I think you should sit them down

and just say, I'm unhappy with our relationship. Here's why. I don't trust you. You've done, you know, I still feel very uncomfortable about the ex

and the Snapchat. I don't like this. I don't like that. I don't, just be honest with them tell them how you feel yeah why be in a relationship where you can't express how you feel even if those feelings are harsh it's it's fair to you and him to just be honest with how you feel don't say it to be mean you know don't say things just to hurt him but if it's how you feel you have the right to express yourself so you tell him how you feel and you can still follow it up with like hey like i still love

you and i i want this to work but i'm just not happy so i'm willing to get a couple's therapy with you and just so you know that's like that's an ongoing thing we might literally never stop going and honestly i kind of hope we never stop going. Because I'll tell you what, like when it comes to couples therapy, I wish I got into couples therapy much sooner. Like Natalie and I are in couples therapy and something we just started, you know?

And as soon as we started, like immediately we both thought, why haven't we been doing this sooner? And we always thought we had this like healthy, positive relationship, but it's just the ways it makes you connect, the way that makes you understand each other. We might slow it down and we might take breaks, but like now that I've experienced it with someone I love, like it just makes you feel more connected and bonded and it gives you tools and resources and and in fights and in disagreements it helps you stay connected and it makes you feel like you don't have an adversary

but just a partner that you're working through issues and i i like anyone listening in a relationship like you like it does you do not need to have a broken relationship to to want and benefit from couples therapy and so this is a message I encourage you to share with your boyfriend. And if he's resistant to this, then you have your answer. I'm not with someone who's willing to do the work in the relationship that I'm not happy in. And that's not going to get better. Yeah, I definitely agree with you. It's been a struggle. Sometimes I feel like- How old are you? What reason is there to say i'm 27 yes so oh my

god like young and but like also like these are valuable years you've given them four you've given them four and you know and you're like so i just think you need to have a come to jesus moment with this guy put it all on the table, be honest, upfront, and respectful. Don't be mean, but you have the right to express exactly how you feel. You have the right to come into that conversation with some concrete expectations of what needs to be done by both of you to keep this relationship going. And you got to see if he's willing to do it. And you shouldn't have to negotiate with him or convince him. All you should have to do is tell him how you feel,

and he should give a shit. He should say, I hate that you feel that way. I don't want you to feel that way. I love you. I know I can do better. I want to do better. Let's do it. Let's put in the work.

And if he doesn't, then it's not going to change. It's not going to... Yeah. And I feel like I've kind of done that by telling him, I think we need to do this, or I don't know how it's going to work. But then it's the, well, we could do one session. Because he's like, well, I don't feel like... Why do we need to do this or like i don't know how it's gonna work but like you know then it's the well we could do one session but because he's like well i don't feel like like why do we need that it's like you need to come in with an energy of you're not making suggestions you're not kind of like

because right now the energy i'm hearing from you is like you kind of make suggestions you tiptoe around it you're kind of like you're you're seeing if he's okay with it. You're just very, no, it's, hey, this is how I feel. This is what's going on. I'm done. I'm ready to be done. I'm not happy. I no longer am willing to remain unhappy in this relationship. And solely based off our history and our, I love for you, I am willing to do this, X, Y, or Z. Are you also willing to do that? If not, end of conversation. But this is, I'm not asking. I am telling you how I feel and I am telling what you need to do to make this relationship continue. And if you're not willing to do that, yeah, I'm heartbroken and sad, but I'm also done. Because I am not willing to keep doing this.

And I'm not going to beg you, and I'm not going to convince you, I'm not going to negotiate with you. I have the right to be happy in a relationship. Period. Okay, I think I can do that. You can definitely do that. Aren't you tired? Yeah. That's got to be exhausting being with someone,

you know, you don't trust. Yeah. And I mean, I like, yeah, I feel pretty unhappy a lot of the time. So,

and I know breakups are hard and it's going to be sad. It's a whole process and it's, you got a long road ahead of you, so to speak, but you will get through it. You can get through it. And I think you'll be, I think you feel really good about yourself to have, to have this type of conversation or we're suggesting, and maybe this will be the wake up call he needs, you know,

but I think he needs to know that you mean what you say. He needs to see the conviction in your eyes and he needs to know that you're done because kind of like what your mom did with your dad, your mom was done. But instead of maybe kicking him out, I think maybe a more direct and candid and healthy conversation about your expectations and boundaries and what you want and what you deserve might be a little bit more productive than just kicking him out. Hey, yeah, I could try that. All right. Do you promise? Yeah, I will do it. I just had to decide when, I guess.

Give yourself, if you haven't done it in 48 hours, you're just procrastinating. Okay, that's fair. All right. Well, we would love an update. Okay. Promise? Yeah, I'll give you one. People people want to know think of it this way everyone listening is in your corner and they're all rooting for you and they just want to know they everyone i guarantee you everyone who's listening right now is just is is they're in

your corner and they want you to do this and they want you to stand up for yourself. And if you can stand up for yourself, that you will give people listening the power to do the same because literally there are hundreds of thousands of people listening to this. And within this show, you know, like, yeah, they listen to people's stories, but there's like literally tens of thousands of people listening right now who feel the way you do, who are looking for the courage that you're trying to find. And if you can do it, you can give other people courage too. So you're doing a good thing here.

Yeah. You deserve much more than what you're getting, but you have to be the one to make sure you get it. Right. Yeah. It's my own fault if I don't get what I deserve. Yep. Kind of. Okay.

Thanks. All right. Good luck. We believe in you. Keep us posted. Thank you. All of. Okay. Thanks. All right. Good luck. We believe in you. Keep us posted. Thank you. All right. Okay.

Take care. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknick at thevilefiles.com for all things Ask Nick. Don't forget, Ariel is tomorrow for Going Deeper.

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