The Viall Files - E562 Ask Nick Updates Special Episode - Part 6

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

Welcome back to The Viall Files! Today we have another special “where are they now” update show where we give you updates from our past callers, to see what’s happened in their situations and relationships since appearing on the show.  We bring on our first caller who was struggling being the only single person in her work group, and had started having dreams about her ex. We find out how she handled the company holiday party and how shifting her mindset has changed her life. Our second caller was ghosted by a long term friend and wasn’t sure how to reach out or what to text her. Did she reach out, and what did she hear back?  Finally, we get an update from our caller that was debating moving abroad with her boyfriend, and find out if she was willing to take the risk.  We also have some written updates - our caller who had a situationship with her CrossFit coach and now has to see him at the gym, and our caller who was still crying daily about her ex 10 months after the break up - both write back in to let us know exactly what happened.  To catch up on all of these callers original questions please see the show numbers:   Original Episode numbers for callers: Episode Number: #519 Ask Nick - Deadbeat Dad Energy Episode Number: #515 Harry and Meghan Recap with Tara Schuster Episode Number: #442 Ask Nick - Am I A F*ckgirl?  Original Episode numbers for written updates: Episode Number: #537 Ask Nick - There’s No Medal For Staying Friends Episode Number: #550 Ask Nick - You’re Addicted to Missing Him   “Most people are better off for taking risks.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://www.viallfiles.supportingcast.com  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store. Android User? Listen here: https://www.onamp.com/ To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell  

what's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting update special of the vile files i'm your host nick joined with me the household how's everyone doing good great ally is now in a committed relationship she's very excited about that you're exclusive the household grows what's the difference we're not doing like boyfriend girlfriend whatever you're not fucking other people correct all right there is a bit actually there's a nick i would say you argue there's a big difference between just being inclusive and what it means to be a partner and a boyfriend or a girlfriend

I say that I say that for like people whatever I mean big picture we're in the relationship pipeline is what we're in you stopped over to pick up the boss and then you asked me and I was in the middle

of something, so I was like, eh, it doesn't even really matter. You were so done with my shit. And then I was so, and then I was going to text you, then I forgot, because you were like, oh, it's been five dates, should we define the relationship or something like that? I would have been like, say it was more than that. Yeah. Whatever number you threw out there.

And then I was going to text you, like, yeah, five dates is a total reasonable amount of time to just check in and set new expectations like whatever those expectations are sounds like you guys did that but like i can promise you this if you end up if this relationship ends up you know going any amount of distance where you start celebrating anniversaries this will be it what when you stopped fucking other people i was never fucking other people let me just throw that out there i'm just saying, if let's say a month from now, your eyes are like, are you going to can I claim my boyfriend? And he's like, sure.

Like, I'm just saying that won't be your anniversary. It'll be closer to when you actually started dating. Okay. Allie, is there anything I know because this is an ongoing relationship, you're obviously mindful of what you share. But is there anything that it's especially exciting that you want to share about him or about how things have been like blossoming he met my entire friend group yesterday oh and how did he do he got initiated in well it started out as two we went to brunch that was gonna be his like slow launch and then as my friend group

does everyone ended up in my apartment day drinking. So he just met everyone at the same time and he wasn't intimidated. So here we are. Yeah. He's part of the group. This is so exciting. Well, you know who wasn't part of the group was our sweet Josie from the Ask Nick intro this week. We were discussing a write in scenario where basically two sisters were having trouble with their third sister. The sister who wrote in has two twins, one of whom is getting married, the other of whom is the maid of honor.

She was not pleased with the maid of honor's kind of participation. She doesn't want to call in. She just wants to keep writing. She did say she'd be happy to call in, but we do have her in the written bucket. So I figure why not provide a little written update on that. Three sisters. Two of them are twins. One of the twins asked the other twin

to be their maid of honor. And then they went to their house for like the bachelorette party. And then the bride-to-be seemed to be, you know, offended that she wasn't getting enough attention from the sister. And that's the one who wrote in,

the bride-to-be, right? No. It was the younger sister. It was the younger sister. that's the one who wrote in the bride to be right no so the younger sister it was the younger sister who's not a twin the younger sister and the bride to be are both on the same page in terms of they've both been feeling like their sister since she like moved further away from the family has just been kind of detached and not as like interested or she wasn't sure if she should fire the sister as the maid of honor. And then we suggested, well, we discussed, but I felt strongly that she shouldn't fire her. I felt strongly about the matron maid of honor distinction of like adding in another. Did you feel strongly about one? Yeah, I just felt strongly about keeping her in the bridal party. I was like, I don't care because especially even if, yeah, even if she doesn't want to be your maid of honor, she still needs to be a bridesmaid because you are sisters.

All right. Absolutely. So update. Following up because I just listened to the episode. Oh my God. So this was like, she just sent this in? Yeah. I love this show.

Fresh. Fresh out of the oven. We are giving you real time field reporting. The husband thing was just an example of her not being super thoughtful the whole weekend every man i've talked to agrees with nick lol so basically saying that he shouldn't have thought to go stay somewhere else that was your point so after the whole discussion we agreed not to tell anyone else in our family but found out over the weekend that josie immediately called our mom crying after we both left. This is twin who was hosting.

Not surprised. Anna, bride-to-be, asked Josie, her twin, what her plan was for the wedding. And Josie said she'll be the maid of honor as long as it's not too much work. From my point of view, Josie is definitely hurt and being childish and selfish at this point. I think the maid slash matron of honor distinction is a good idea. I will also add Josie is the one that started the entire discussion about the distance we've been feeling. I reiterated to her multiple times that we were not attacking her. To add to this, Josie continually makes us feel bad slash insignificant. She mentions that she doesn't

reach out to our family because, quote, her life is great and she doesn't want to seem like she's bragging, end quote, as if everyone else doesn't have a lot going on for them. She also told Anna, fries to be, that she doesn't accept her for who she is because of her religion. Whoa. While I do agree that the timing of the conversation was bad, it was also a long time coming and at least partially deserved. That's a huge bit of information, because if Josie, the sister who's gotten married and separated herself from the other two sisters, if she's a judgy-mcjudgy Christian or some other religion. Or a judgy-mcjudgy Jew. Or a judgy-mcjudgy Muslim.

All the religions are valid. Whatever. They all have judgy McJudgy Jew. Or a judgy McJudgy Muslim. All the religions are valid. Whatever. They all have judgy McJudgers. Yeah, that's a huge bit of information. In terms of, well, that completely changes my opinion about, well, that would explain the distance probably a little bit. And if she has this attitude of judging other people or saying i don't want to brag my life is so great and like yours is not i can kind of understand a little bit more because that's not the energy we would want at your bachelorette party let alone like the morning

of your wedding yeah either way i think yeah the matron maid is great she's going to be your matron of honor and name only she doesn't want to do any work that's fine puppet she's a puppet yeah and now you don't have to stress like you know it's your wedding and don't don't make it about your sister it sounds like there some fences need to be mended in these relationships but i don't use your wedding as a catalyst to have these conversations try to take that offline a little bit yeah your wedding is not like an intervention slash family therapy. Yeah. Do we know when the wedding is?

We don't. But I think we should have her, you know, if she's available to call in. I think we should maybe go. Yeah. Just invite ourselves. I think that's appropriate. Totally. We'll be bridesmaids.

I thought the kind of the question, though, or it brings up an interesting question of her not wanting to check in because she feels like she's bragging where I I'm curious about something. So in the context of this total bullshit, do you think is that something you relate to, though? Otherwise, I think especially as someone who, like, you know, found rich and fame. Yeah. Fame, fashion, riches, love. got it all he's on the internet to everybody are there specific parts of life that you tend to avoid bragging about no i mean i'm not super great at keeping in touch with anyone i'm like an into just an independent person there's just no way i would say something like that to anyone i'm self-aware enough to to not you know I I when the reason and that's probably right I related to Josie is that I often get

called out from family and friends I'm like well I haven't heard from you and I'm always like my phone is available I often find that for the people who complain to me about uh my lack of reaching out that I in fact reach out to them more than they reach out to me, which isn't much, but more than them. They will say, well, you know, I think you're too busy or you're this. They assume things about my life or my availability or schedule. Yeah, and kind of like project a meaning of like, not like, oh, he has a lot going on, but like, oh, he thinks a lot going on but like oh he

thinks he's so like all this stuff is so i don't know about that also when they do call reach out i'm not the most talkative or or or or generous with my time i'm not saying i'm without criticism but i i'm just saying i i don't complain what's a like an average length phone call for you? With mom and dad? Yeah. 10 minutes? Wow. Allie, how about you?

It's different. I have one sibling and he has 10. So we do family FaceTimes and Zoom meetings. Our group chat is popping every moment of the day. I have my family group chat muted. Most of it, it's like shit that's going on in Wisconsin that I have nothing to do with. I don't need to know who's bringing the casserole. Amanda's really good at talking to her grandparents.

She's been doing that a lot lately. I love talking to my grandparents. Well, because, you know, working full time, which is amazing. I was doing like German lessons in the pandemic when I was like still in school and working like part time. So because like I'm not doing German lessons right now, I've been trying to like do a lot of like little like, hey, I'm just like walking across the street. Yeah. Hello, Opa. That's what I sound like. But I'm a big believer in like hopefully like a lot of little ones, because I think it's I get I feel so like intensely guilty if I'm not staying up to date with like loved ones, whether that's like friends or family. And so then the more it becomes this like daunting, like, oh, my God, I feel so bad now. I owe them. I don't owe them a 30 minute call. I owe them like a two hour one. And then that's like friends or family and so then the more it becomes this like daunting like oh my god i feel so bad now i owe them i don't owe them a 30 minute call i owe them like a two hour one and

then that's even more to do and i just yeah i end up in a little maintenance yes yeah little maintenance and we'll pop off in the comments how long you talk to your family members yeah and how frequently because i feel like we need to you know like the like yours is 10 minutes how how frequently would you say like Like once a week? Once every two or three weeks. Nicholas. I'm hearing once a month. 10 minutes once a month.

I could be better. I could be better. Your phone plan's got to be cheap as hell. Derek, how about you? What is your like frequency and amount of time? I mean, I text my mom every day. I will say since my parents live close i've been trying to set things up more like i'm like hey like i'm free this weekend let's do something they're like oh we didn't want to impede on your life like we always want to do stuff and

i was like oh like i gotta be more proactive so that's what i've been trying to do yeah parents do that where they're like oh like my parents will do that all the time where I'm like, I was, I wasn't busy. I was wickedly depressed and self-isolating. Please call me. No, I missed you. Hold on to your kilts.

Dearies Peacock. Original. The traders is back with a new season of strategy, betrayal, sabotage, and murder. This killer season features an all new celebrity cast that vulture hailed as reality royalty living in a

Scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition. We're talking fierce competitors, reality stars, and public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize. This season's cutthroat missions are next level, just like whatever Alan Cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe. One thing is for sure, these 21 players will do anything to avoid a plot in Allen's graveyard. Find out why critics and audiences alike are raving about the Emmy award-winning series The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for

and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession. We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. Ladies and gentlemen. What are you doing? What do you mean? Just keep it simple. Stream every episode of Traders promos on TV, dude. This is how you get the fans engaged. This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get listeners here.

If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it already. We need some oomph. All right, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice. Bravo, bros. Good job. Well, a couple housekeeping notes before we get to our updates.

One, if you're starving for more updates, there are more updates that you are missing out that are behind Vile Files Plus. I think we have two update episodes available right now behind Vile Files Plus. Some really juicy ones. Real, real good. Also, for all you Love is Blind fans out there, we're loving. We're obsessed with the new season loving this new season and we are going to get into it next week going deeper with our guest phoebe robinson hilarious comedian big fan of uh love is blind by then i think you're gonna

have two batches out but if you are patiently awaiting our deep dive breakdown and recap of the first batch of episodes i think it's the first five. Then go ahead and also check out Vile Files Plus. Today, we're dropping an episode. It's our pop culture roundup that's going to be heavy, heavy. Love is Blind recap. We'll have some other pop culture topics I'm sure we'll discuss for things that we didn't get to this week because this week was heavy bachelor with, uh, our, uh, interview with Ariel and the recap that we just dropped yesterday. So if you haven't listened to that, check that out. Katie Maloney next week for freestyle,

because now we're in the off season. We got, uh, Katie Maloney joining us to give us, uh, some updates and all the Vanderpump drama. What's up with her life. We'll talk some shit about Tom.

I'm sure all the times. Uh, so Katie Maloney will be with us she'll be back and on again Phoebe Robinson next week for going deeper which it will basically be a big love is blind episode but again if you are anxious to get her we're gonna we're gonna get into the weeds and really break it break down all the episodes on vile files plus and if you miss better date than never last night, that's also behind Vile Files Plus.

We talked about getting caught while having sex. Oh, and last week's sex injury episode was amazing. If you haven't listened to that, so good. Yeah, that just dropped this week. It just dropped this week. This is all to say, a seven-day free trial for Vile Files Plus. So go to vilefiles.com. It's just a couple clicks, and you can be signed up for Vile Files Plus. So go to VileFiles.com. It's just a couple clicks

and you can be signed up for Vile Files Plus and if you hate it, you can cancel at any time. But you won't because, again, we're rated fresh. 100% fresh tomatoes-ish or whatever they're called.

Anyway, let's get to our updates. Question time with me. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. So our next caller, Chelsea, was originally on episode 519. And she called in because she had gone through a breakup seven years ago, but had started having dreams where sometimes her ex would appear. And she was just feeling really kind of like down about feeling single and having trouble like feeling a sense of like accomplishment and kind of like purpose and

like gratitude for like where she was at in life and was feeling kind of like focused on some of the areas where she was like perceiving a deficiency and a lot of your advice was like to spend your emotional energy like to save it uh and not fall into the trap of just like reminiscing over your ex and like reminiscing over this person who made you feel loved like kind of first debunking that like your ex is not special the fact that he's probably reappearing in your dreams is like more of because you miss them doesn't make them special exactly um and then also in terms of like not in chapter 10 of the book. Happy birthday. And in addition to like being like, these are some traps to try to avoid some things you encouraged were like just really being available to like friends and family and yourself to like show up and make investments. And also like one of the things that she mentioned was like kind of feeling like she was the only one without a partner at all these events.

And like all of her friends were kind of in this stage where they'd coupled off and it was like musical chairs and she was left without a chair um and that was something where you said you know friendships change and morph and grow and friends who you would drop everything for when you were 22 like circumstances and obligations can really like shift as you grow up and so it's not you know it doesn't mean you're losing friends but it also means like it's part of changing and adjusting your expectations now she's all grown up and now she's and everything's perfect let's bring her on okay let's bring her on welcome back chelsea how's it going hi i'm doing good thanks how are you nick i'm great so last time you called um you were having dreams about the ex that you dated for

quite a long time. And just generally kind of down in the dumps about being the single one amongst your sea of friends seemingly in a relationship. I think we have a clip. Let's go ahead and play it. Hi, I am Chelsea. I'm 27. How can we help, Chelsea? I am at an age where most of my friends are either married or in a serious relationship. And I've been single for three years. I've just been put in like situations where I'm constantly the only one who's attending alone and things like that.

And I guess it's just kind of stirred up some memories of a relationship from literally seven years ago that made me feel really secure. And I know it sounds crazy, but it kind of like at the times that I feel insecure about my current situation, it like pops up in my dreams. I've read most of your book and it was validating to hear that like you've had these feelings before where everyone else is in a relationship. And at the time it feels like, you know, you're old, but you're really relationship. And at the time, it feels like you're old, but you're really not. And I don't know. So it's just tough. Yeah, totally. And I get how weddings and holidays and things like that,

and you go home for the holidays. And if you have siblings, they bring their partners home if you go to weddings. But I think you just really have to try to focus on the freedoms that you do have. It's something you're sensitive about right now, you're sensitive to. So every time it happens, my guess is there's this kind of inner dialogue of happen again, you know, like I'm alone again, the third wheel again, I'm the fifth wheel again, and things like that. I think you just kind of have to stop that. You know, I really prodded myself when I was thinking of being a good third or fourth wheel, you know, and I wasn't always that way, but like, I also like had another friend who was like the opposite. And I just remember being like, I don't want to act like him,

you know, type of thing. Like you're gonna, like you're only 27, you're gonna find someone, you just will, you know, like, I think you just have to have that belief that it's going to happen. It's just, you know, it's usually just doesn't happen when you like, and you just have to be patient about it. So the worst thing you can do right now is make a, it's not even a bad situation, but by making a situation feel like a bad situation by constantly beating yourself up every time it happens. And what updates do you have for us? Yeah. So basically I had mentioned too, that my therapist said that I wasn't so much hung up on the ex that I had been broken up with for seven years. And it was more just like the, you know, the feelings of being again, the single one

and my group of friends and everyone's married and engaged and in a relationship. And so it just felt a little bit like almost like embarrassing sometimes to be the only one showing up to events alone. So talking to you, the takeaways were focusing on the fact that I am in school, that's been going well, I'm, you know, I'm investing in myself that way. And to be kind of proud of myself for that, because that is one of the freedoms that I do have in where I'm at right now. We talked about kind of just owning the fact that it is okay to show up to these events alone and like how to make that time positive instead of just dwelling on like going again and that kind of thing. And it went well. So yeah, it was a really good conversation.

Thank you. Awesome. Now, have you applied? I mean, what update do you have for us? Like, have you applied some of this kind of mindset to some outings you've been to or events or things like that? Yes, absolutely. So I think it was a few days after our conversation was my work party, like the holiday party. And everyone was being, you know, everyone had their DD, which was their boyfriend or husband, or, and I was alone, I had to Uber. And which was fine. But it was just, you know, it was just awkward showing up, or at least beforehand, I felt awkward showing up alone. And just after our conversation, I walked into it being like, okay, it's not as big of a deal as I may have thought it was, I'm going to try to make the most of this and not dwell on it. So I remember sitting at the table and being the only one alone and kind of looking around and being like, No, I'm not going to sit here and be like, Oh, I'm the only one who's like not sitting with someone. And instead of like,

to sit here and be like, Oh, I'm the only one who's like not sitting with someone. And instead of like, sitting with the couple table, I got up and like walked around and like talk to people that I didn't know who like worked in other offices. I got up, I worked for a doctor, a psychiatrist. So like, I got up and I talked to the psychiatrist and like his wife and his daughters and kind of like formed a good like, yeah, like I really like worked on my like professional rapport with my boss and like, just i i really like worked on my like professional rapport with my boss and like just had a really good night and then like i went back to the table and i was thinking about our conversation and i was like all these couples have not moved from the table all night and they're just like snuggled up with each other and i'm having a great time talking to

people so yeah it was really good that's great And so it sounds like maybe prior to our enlightening call, you would have sat at that table and either felt sorry for yourself or just hung out with the other couples and had conversations with them. But instead, it sounds like you did a little bit of networking and met some people and mix it up a little bit. Yeah, like I remember in our call, we were talking about how I am going back to school to try and pursue psychiatric nursing. So like I was talking to a nurse practitioner who works at one of my boss's other offices and getting like advice from her and just like, you know, formulating a relationship with my boss's family because I am, you know, we are a close knit like work group, I guess. And yeah, so it just felt good. Like I left the party feeling good about how it went instead of just sitting there. And I kind of was able to look at it more as like, wow, they just sat here all night with their significant other and like didn't get up and

really enjoy the night. So I felt good about it. Amazing. I'm curious for you. Yeah, I think it's so amazing to hear kind of like all these moments of like triumph and all of the times where you've been able to like really like apply the kind of the fruits of your new mindset. And I'm curious, like if there's been any times where like that's felt really challenging that like you can speak to like, you know, just like the times when it has felt like really difficult or like implementing that change has like you felt that kind of like resistance and how you've navigated those times as well. implementing that change has like, you felt that kind of like resistance and how you've navigated those times as well. Yeah, I mean, I think part of the conversation that we had, too, was just that I was exhausted of the dating scene. I, I did struggle with the fact that like, I felt like I haven't had those strong romantic feelings since that guy from, you know, a long time ago. So I remember talking about how I was just like, I didn't feel like maybe I'm capable of replicating those feelings again. And it's exhausting. And I don't want to go through

it again. And we talked about how, yeah, it's exhausting, but like, you kind of have to just like, keep working at it. And, you know, to get to the end goal. So in our conversation, I did mention to you guys that I had someone from a dating app that I was like talking to, but that I didn't necessarily know if I wanted to go out with because I was just in that period where I was like, just done with it. And after a call, I decided, let me just do it. And it was hard. I really, really had to put myself out there and really push myself through the anxiety and the dread and the not wanting to do it. it went really well like i kind of just forced myself to and he's my boyfriend now which is crazy a boyfriend just like that yeah uh what i know tell us well tell us about like you know so you went on a date like what for for all the people who go on all these dates and it's just you know

like what what was different what gave you kind of the sense of this could be something? How did you guys connect? Like, what were questions that you guys asked one another that really made you guys connect and, and how, how long you guys been official? So we went on our first date, like right after Christmas and we made it official like very shortly after so it's been like two months a little over two months maybe great yeah so what were some of the like what were the first few dates like and questions you guys asked each other that really made you feel like this is something different it's hard to explain because I hear a lot on this podcast like a lot of callers say like oh he checks my boxes and like I've had that on past dates where

he's nice and he makes me laugh, and he has a good job. But like, I just didn't connect. And it's, it's hard to explain or replicate that. But for some reason, like we really just did connect, like we felt comfortable, and we had like a good banter. And like, that is important, like early on. But we did have good questions where like, we're getting to know, like, you know, not not only like what do you do for work what are your friends like but like what are your family values and things like that like what are we kind of also talked about like the stages of life that we were in so like he opened up about how like a lot of his friends are like in serious relationships and I was like ah same and so

we kind of just seem to be like very much in the same place. And I don't know, we just had like really good chemistry that I didn't feel on other dates where they did quote unquote check boxes, you know, on paper. Right. How much time are you guys spending with each other like on a weekly basis? Well, very early on, he was very, you know, I feel like early on in dating, it's like you'd see each other maybe once a week and you got to play the game. And I've had guys be like, you know, not really asking me to hang out until the day of or things like that. And he was very much what I noticed was like after our first date, he got home and was like, I think we went out on a Wednesday.

He was like, do you want to do dinner this Friday? Like right away. So we started to see each other like very regularly, like twice a week. And now we see each other like maybe like three or four times a week um i go out to dinner with his family like weekly um so yeah it's been very consistent what's your favorite thing about the way he makes you feel what i notice is that i have a lot of insecurities not only with like body image but just like i've had guys in the past where this one particular person in the past specifically would criticize like that i'm nice which i feel like is

a ridiculous thing to criticize but it was like oh you're too much of like a people pleaser like you're too you're robotic you're so considerate to others it's robotic you need to have a backbone and this is in this whereas like all the things that he criticized about me that like i felt were good things like my boyfriend is like you know instead of seeing it as like oh my god you're too considerate have a backbone he's like you're so thoughtful you know like he's like i love the way that you think about others so it makes you feel appreciated that like yeah i feel appreciated and like i feel comfortable i can if they're ever like obviously it's it's early on. And like, so we haven't had any of those like fights or anything like that. But like, there have been things where I've felt comfortable to be like, okay, it's early on,

but like, let me vocalize how I feel about this, even if it's just a small matter, just that it doesn't like fester. And like, he responds so well, instead of being like, I've had guys be like, Oh, my God, like, you know, I don't want drama. I don't want neediness. He's like, he responds so well instead of being like, I've had guys be like, oh my God, like, you know, I don't want drama. I don't want neediness. He's like, oh my gosh, I didn't see it that way. Like, thank you for bringing it to my attention. Like, he's just very considerate, all those things.

So it's been good. Um, if you're, if you're, if you're willing, do me a favor, ask him this question and report back and see how he responds. But like, I would love for you to maybe like at some point you know when it feels right you know in a conversation where you're kind of like maybe having more of a get to know you chat which i hope you guys are still doing you know random things come up and like tell me about this stuff but like i'd love for you to ask him a question something along the lines of are there things that you worry about or maybe any insecurities that you might have that I can never help you with? How could I make you feel better about

yourself in general? I know you, and then I would compliment them first. You're so this, you're so that, you're so wonderful, you're so, I love the way you do this, but are there things you worry about are there ways I could make you feel you know more loved or more secure or more confident you know I'd love to do that and I'm curious if he is capable of answering that question because every guy should be able to answer that question every person should be able to answer that question and I'd love to know if he was comfortable enough to to express a vulnerability or an insecurity and say, yeah, I'm sensitive about this. And if you could do that, that would make me feel good. I'd try that out and report back. I'm curious.

No, that's a good question. And it just reminds me of a conversation that we have had recently was, I've mentioned, I think in the last call and just briefly here that like I do have anxiety struggles. And there was a time where I was feeling anxious about just like a conversation that we had. And he was very good about instead of being like, why are you anxious about that? Like, there's nothing to worry about. He was like, what can I do like in moments like this that can make you feel more secure which is like amazing like stuff that i've left yeah so like i kind of even just like recently in one of the last few days like i kind of felt bad that like i was having one of those anxious moments and i was

like i don't want them to feel like this is like a job like i do have a therapist i do work on this myself so i made sure to like check in and I was like, how, like, do you have experience with like either anxiety or dealing with, you know, relationships that involve anxiety? Like, how do you feel about this? I don't want you to feel overwhelmed. Like I'm working on it myself. And we just like had an open conversation about it. Yeah. I mean, and be sure to, you know, thank them. Like, Hey, I really appreciate you doing this. Not everyone has done that. Like, you know, every guy likes to feel special and loved and validated.

So be sure, don't be afraid to do that. But this is all great. I'm so happy for you. Congrats on the new relationship. Keep, even though that you now have a boyfriend, don't lose that energy of you at that work party, going out there and mixing it up and networking. And you can still enjoy your boyfriend

and hang out with the other couples, but be adventurous and get out there and still connect and network and push yourself to get out of your comfort zone. That same energy that you channeled while you were single, you can still do in a relationship. Absolutely. And I think that he's very much the same way. And one of the things too that happened after our call was when we were on those early dates, I was having the anxiety of like, oh, things feel really good, but things might not

work out, whatever. And my manager at work, she, she's, you know, she's married with kids. She's like a little bit older, but, um, I was just talking to her about like, you know, the struggles of modern dating and things like that. And, um, Nick, I remember like in our first conversation, you said to focus on like the freedoms that I do that, you know, that I did have, or I do have in this time. And she was like envious of the fact that I was that, you know, that I did have, or I do have in this time. And she was like envious of the fact that I was dealing with these anxieties about dates because she was like, she settled down very young. She met him or her husband at 20 and she's now like in her forties. And even though they're happy with, you know, happily married with kids, she was like envious

that I did get to go on all these unsuccessful hinge dates, you know? And so I, yeah, like she was envious that she was like, Oh God, like this dating anxiety that you have, it seems fun.

And as I looked at it, it's like such an embarrassing negative thing. So now that like I am like, yeah, I love that. It's always great to talk with people with a little bit different or more life experience than you. But yeah,

I mean, yeah, our brain loves stimulation more than anything else certainly more than boredom yeah and you know yeah um these experiences that people have dating you know we get exhausted but they are very they're exciting and even through frustrations, they can be dramatic. And then when everything's kind of calm and nice, it can get a little boring. So yeah, this is a great lesson for you on perspective. And I remember, how old are you again? Remember, remind me. I'm 27.

Yeah, okay. So yeah, 27. That's kind of, honestly, around 27 was kind of the age where I actually started, I feel like learning perspective or just really like reflecting on my choices. And, you know, I had a little bit of a life experience, you know, like, like you, you know, you have a good, you know, seven to nine years of adult life experience now to kind of reflect back on. And you're kind of old enough where you feel more comfortable being friends with people older than you. When you were a teenager, it wasn't very common for you to hang out with 25-year-olds and things like that. But now that you can, you can get that input and learn from other people.

And it's just once you start being willing to have perspective and learn from others or just get feedback or reflect on your own choices yeah like life gets a little more easier and especially when we deal with kind of our struggles it can help us get out of our funks it can help us get get get out of feeling stuck because you know so much of life is just you know altering our perspective and changing the way we approach anyone's situation. And I think this kind of the past few months for you have been a great example and a great lesson that all you have to do sometimes is make a few adjustments and some, you know, really great things can happen. So that's awesome. Great to hear.

Thanks for letting us know. Yeah. Thank you so much. And just to let you know, after our first conversation, I did tell my therapist about it and she asked what you said and what we talked about. And she said that everything was great advice and great directive. So thank you. It's great to hear. All right, Chelsea. Well, thanks so much. Good luck with everything. Keep us posted on life and we'll talk soon. Thank you so much, guys. All right. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye.

Bye. thank you so much guys all right take care bye-bye bye hold on to your kilts dearies peacock original the traitors is back with a new season of strategy betrayal sabotage and murder this killer season features an all-new celebrity cast that vulture hailed as reality royalty living in a scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition we're talking fierce competitors reality stars and public figures battling it out for a whopping living in a Scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition. We're talking fierce competitors, reality stars, and public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize. This season's cutthroat missions are next level, just like whatever Alan Cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe.

One thing is for sure, these 21 players will do anything to avoid a plot in Alan's graveyard. Find out why critics and audiences alike are raving about the Emmy award winning series. The New York times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession. We are certainly obsessed stream. Every episode of traders now only on Peacock. Ladies and gentlemen,

what are you doing? What do you mean? I'm making it simple. I'm making the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say, hey, we're the Brav Bros. Two guys that talk about Bravo. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the Brav Bros.

No. Dude, stop with the voice. Just keep it simple. I've seen promos on TV, dude. This is how you get the fans engaged. This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get listeners here. If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it already.

We need some oomph. Alright, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice. Bravo, bros. Good job. Okay, so we have a written update from Katie. She was on episode 537. She called in because she

had a situation with her CrossFit coach that she was trying, you know, they ended the romantic hooking up part of their relationship because she wasn't going to get the more that she definitely wanted from him. And it was just disappointing and hard. But he was not really respecting those boundaries of the gym. She found it really hard to constantly be going into the gym and see him when she's trying to get over this person. So here's an update. She said, Hi, sorry for the delay on this response. It's been a busy month and a little emotionally exhausting for me. I haven't left the gym dot dot dot yet. I had a

conversation with my ex-situationship shortly after the podcast episode. I told him it was too hard for me to be friends and we needed to just have a strictly coach-member relationship moving forward. He didn't take that well. My birthday was the following week, and he texted me several times that day, though I wasn't responding. He's texting his ex happy birthday multiple times. Oof.

I saw him at the gym that night, and he wouldn't leave me alone. Crossed lots of boundaries. Uh-uh. Boo. Boo. Boo. I've been trying to avoid slash ignore him since.

He got to a point where he was texting me every single day, even though I was leaving him on red. He texted me 23 times without a response. 23 and me. Like, it's just this guy. Why is he going okay we finally had one last conversation the other day where I told him his behavior was confusing for me and constantly chasing me makes me think he wants more than a friendship when I know that is not the case and that he needs to leave me alone if he doesn't want me he has has texted several times since. Oh my God.

But I officially blocked him today. I don't know what my date at the gym is. I really don't want to move gyms, but I'm at my breaking point here with him since he doesn't respect my boundaries whatsoever. Leaving the gym might be the only option I have left, even though it hurts me to think about. Thank you for all your help and advice on this matter.

To me, he's leaving the gym. Yeah, I mean, like, listen, he's not, I mean, kind of her fault at this point. I really want her to leave the gym. She needs to leave the gym. And she's not leaving the gym. And she's finding every excuse in the book not to leave the gym. And while blocking him is nice, the whole point of blocking him is to limit access to limit his access to her and it's you know it's a step in the right direction and now she doesn't

have to receive a bunch of text messages and i'm sure that will help her mental health so that's a step in the right direction but it's it very much leaves the door open for him to have access to her and so if she really wants this she she knows the answer and she is finding a bunch of reasons to not accept that answer and she is stubbornly trying to find a different answer uh that doesn't include leaving the gym. Yeah. It's like she's just going to go through the Panama Canal and instead she's like, no, I'm going to go all the way down. I'm going to go around the tip of Argentina.

And as frustrated as she is at all his messages that he's sending, I think she's most likely still holding out hope because I think it has less to do with the gym and more to do with the fact that she she still likes that he reaches out. me makes it feel like he wants me even though that's probably not what it is it still feels like there's a little like she doesn't want to close the door all the way in case one day he wakes up and he says you're the love of my

life let's have CrossFit babies we're getting into this is your fault territory and it's in as bad as he sounds she has all the answers she is just refusing to accept them I mean to be fair with CrossFit they love a circuit going round and round, doing the same thing over and over again.

Based on how much you work out, you're strong enough to leave. I mean, don't get me wrong. This guy fucking sucks, but. Leave the gym. Leave the gym, girl. I really hope I'm reaching out. I hope we can get on the phone with her because we need to. We need to talk to her and actually get this through to her.

Yeah. Fingers crossed. I will personally search actually get this through to her. Yeah. Fingers crossed. I will personally search for a new gym for her. Fingers crossed. I love a good spreadsheet. I'll list them out. I don't think it's because Google's not working. So our next caller originally appeared on episode 515 with Tara Schuster.

She was a texting office hours caller who was getting ghosted by her best friend of a really long of, you know, like a story, long term friendship. Her name is Molly. And when she called in, kind of what you said is realistically, if you want to rekindle this friendship, you're going to need to be the bigger person. And, you know, even though she might be kind of like punishing and like making you wait a really long time, like you just need to kind of drop that energy, like not reciprocate that energy, no matter how much you're getting it your way, if you do want to salvage this friendship and just be the one who reaches out and who kind of initiates contact. And then you also said it's

like, it's a really intense friendship because of like the history and the role that you've played in each other's lives. And with great expectations comes like the capacity for great disappointment. And so just like you would check in to like in a relationship to address where you're at and what would serve you at the time, like maybe the level of intensity that you've had with friendship in the past is no longer feasible given like where you're at in life right now. And so like having a conversation to just kind of normalize that as opposed to having this ominous sense that you're drifting away and it's bad. Kind of reset expectations with the friendship. Yeah, 100%. And something that you said that I think kind of stuck out was you were like,

I think for in trying to rekindle and salvage the situation, you just need to say, I'd rather have you in my life less in the past than the past than not at all. So let's bring on molly welcome back molly hey guys uh i wanted to come back on here and give you an update on my best friend that ghosted me or as we kind of figured out last time we kind of ghosted each other well let's just play a clip to remind ourselves uh what molly first called it about and what we said to her how's it going good my name is molly i am 25

years old and i am needing help because i got ghosted by my best friend of 10 years over basically a miscommunication okay uh wow that's a lot uh yeah to fire a best friend over. What do you mean by miscommunication? Miscommunication, basically, we were supposed to have a phone call one day, talk on the phone. She's in a pretty intense school program, so she doesn't have a ton of free time. She called me. I didn't answer because I was busy. And then basically I didn't hear from her for like a day and a half after that. And I was trying to get ahold of her. And then she sent me this really long text, basically firing me as her best friend. And I said, okay, let's do and talk sometime soon. You know, like I want to work this out. I really can't, like, I don't want this

to be like a thing. And then I haven't heard from her in seven months now. I'm blocked on all social media. Her husband and entire family blocked me on all social media. You know, I go back and forth between like, do I really like want to put myself through this again? Because I feel like I'm honestly just going to be met with rejection. But I'm also like, but we were friends for so long and I don't necessarily want like, you know, I don't want to like just throw all that away. So I don't know what I want to do. What about the friendship would you be losing if you never had it come back in your life? Like what does she bring to your life as a friend? Honestly, I really hate saying it.

I feel like at the time I thought I would be losing a lot more because I've obviously thought about it. Like, I felt like I was losing a lot more, but really she has just been like, she's been there with me through a lot of stuff over the last 10 years. I mean, we were friends from 15 to 25. I think it's worth for you to try. Okay. learning opportunity for you here to kind of just reflect on the friendship itself. If the worst thing that happens is you put in some effort to this friendship that you claimed obviously was very meaningful, was 10 years long, like the emotional energy that you're going to spend and try to fix this friendship, I think is worthwhile and you will have no regrets. All right, Molly, why don't you go ahead and update us regardless. Just give us a little synopsis of the situation real briefly. And what was the advice?

And then kind of where are we at now? So what originally had happened and I called in about was my best friend of 10 years and I had had a falling out basically because we weren't communicating. We weren't really basically what ended up happening was we weren't texting each other back and then that turned into the last I guess almost year of us not speaking um she had we've been trying to get in touch with each other to catch up and then I wasn't able to she wasn't able to and then we just kind of ghosted each other um I guess of being upset of not being able to catch up I'm not really sure but um we ended up not speaking and I called in and the advice that y'all gave me was to to reach out just to put my pride down reach out like go in with no expectations and to try

and just remedy the situation and um reconnect So I did. It took me a while after I originally called in. I mean, I called in, I think it was back in December, and I didn't reach out until February 14th. So it was probably, yeah, like two, two and a half months that went by before I finally reached out to her. And I sent her a text, and I've yet to get a response. What was the thing that made you reach out on Valentine's day?

No. Okay. I know that sounds weird, but no, it was, um, nothing to do with actual Valentine's day, but I was like, okay, this is, I just, um, there wasn't really anything in particular that made me reach out. I think it was just on my mind. Can you read us the text that you said hey blank i hope this doesn't catch you at a bad time i've been thinking about you and i really hate the way things have turned out it's been a long time i know we're both busy and if at some point you want to talk please let me know if not then i want you to know i love you and i wish you all the best and And that was it. Love. She didn't write back. Never wrote back.

It reminded me, was there a specific incident that there was a falling out or was it just more of a losing touch? Kind of losing touch. Basically, she had tried to call me one day. I was busy. I couldn't get to the phone.

I couldn't, you know, I couldn't answer her phone call um texted her back later I said hey can we talk at this time and she yeah was like no I'm busy and then it just kind of it was a little bit of that back and forth and then she sent me the really really long text just saying she's done with this and that and then a few weeks went by a little bit of back and forth and then nothing since so nothing nothing crazy that happened to cause the falling out i still think 50 50 she writes back eventually when do you think she'd do that i don't know keep in mind molly waited a bit how are you feeling about the whole thing like Like, were you hoping for, you know what I mean? Now that more time has passed?

I think I was I was hopeful that she would give me a response. But ever since I sent it, I have felt a lot better about the whole situation. When I wrote in, I actually said I feel like I found closure through it, weirdly enough, like even though there hasn't been actual closure. Sure. Um, but I think something about just me just reaching out, no expectations of whatever was going to happen. I've just felt so much better. I don't, I haven't really thought about it. I've kind of accepted that if she doesn't reply,

okay, that's, I've moved on with my life, but if she did great, then we, maybe we can rekindle. But, um,

no, it felt almost like a weight had been lifted off since I did text her. Cause it was just kind of always on my mind or in the back of my mind, you know, like, should I reach out? Should I not? And then I did and I, it's been okay since. Yeah. I think that's great. I think maybe it's a lesson in, I mean, do you think that your reasons for not reaching out prior to you calling us and then eventually reaching out was a little bit of stubbornness, a little bit of why should I have to do this or, you know, if you want to great. And you know, I, I feel like, yeah, you can move forward and you have that closure because you know that there's

no, there's nothing you could do differently. Now you accept the fact that like sometimes friends evolve and you grow apart and yeah, it's just like, you know, there's, you know,

there's maybe a little sadness or hurt, but the fact that you, you no longer have to move forward wondering if part of the reason you're not friends is because of whatever stubbornness or role that you're playing. And I think it feels good to just say, hey, I'm going to be vulnerable and put it out there. And now I don't have to worry about it anymore. And that's such a, I think whether it's friendships or relationships or of any kind, just to just, to just put it out there and be vulnerable, I think allows people to move forward much faster than holding on to anger and frustration. Yeah, I definitely agree.

I think it did take me a while, not only to kind of get over, you know, why do I have to be the one? But I think whenever I was on the call with y'all, at the time, I didn't want to accept it. But then the more I thought about it, I kind of, I felt like I was able to take a little bit more ownership in my part in it.

Whereas before, I really wasn't. I felt like it was, know all on her a little bit on me but then the more i thought about it after my phone call with y'all i was like no i definitely had a part in this um so i think i had to accept that before i was really fully ready to reach out and then i was just kind of like okay no time like the present let me just put it out there i think that's great do you think if you don't hear from her you'll like message her like a happy birthday or oh no no no no okay yeah no not not at all her birthday is actually coming up and i don't i don't i don't i mean you don't want to you don't want to grovel i don't know yeah i mean i feel like what I said was sufficient and if she takes it, if she doesn't.

OK, but no, I mean, I feel like if if I never hear back from her, like that's kind of it. That's what I'm thinking will happen at least. You think she's done reaching out to you? Yeah, I think so. And like I said, I've I've you know, the thought of it is kind of like, yeah, that's kind of sad. But at the same time I can't force her to and if we're not if we just grew apart then we grew apart yeah I'll be curious if anything happens um yeah I have a feeling that she won't until she needs to yeah or maybe she needs a lifeline I don't know never know either way i'm glad that you sent the

message it sounds like you're just in a much better emotional space about it and it's taking up a less of your emotional energy we love that so good for you for reaching out if anything changes let us know but uh how are how are you otherwise how life? What's going on in your world? Life is good. I'm trying to go to grad school. Grad school in the military. Been working out a lot. You know, life's really good. I can't complain.

Great to hear. I'm curious because I think something you mentioned about how you got closure and how it wasn't. I think so often when people like talk about closure, it's like contextualized as like justification for like reengaging with a situation that they like miss or feel like unresolved about. And for you, it seems like it was something where like it didn't need to be a reengagement in a two-sided way. It was just a matter of you saying your piece. And like, I'm curious for you when you feel kind of like you're most zenned out and like feel like you're in the best headspace, like how do you feel about feel kind of like you're most zenned out and like feel like you're in the best headspace like how do you feel about that and like what does that closure feel like and then when also conversely like if maybe you're feeling like you're most like anxious or frenzy or insecure

like resentful or missing your friend like what does that look like um really i just like i said i felt like it's been a weight lifted off you You know, I sent it fully expecting or just with the idea in my head of, hey, she could not reply and that's OK. I don't know. I just felt I just felt a lot more at peace about the whole thing. Whether she does or doesn't decide to be my friend again, I feel like I'm just putting all that energy into my other relationships, my other friendships. Other things going on in my life. just my other friendships, other things going on in my life. You know, I just, I don't want to waste any more time feeling sorry about the whole situation. I just feel like I, you know, I put it out there.

I said, like you said, I said my piece and I'll move on with or without it. Amazing. All right, Molly. Well, thanks for the update. We appreciate it. Good luck with everything. Congrats on going back to grad school and we wish you nothing but the best all right thanks guys all right take care do you have an incident like that in life and also if you're watching this on youtube please pop in the comments where like a situation where you were able to where you found

closure without hearing from the other person well yeah sure yeah, sure. I mean, I'm sure a lot of cases, nothing specific necessarily pops in my head. I'm trying to think. I also feel like oftentimes, even when you were presented with the like stereotypical closure, like when you have an ex reach out like months down the line and be like,

let's just talk, like let's like settle, whatever. Like I've had a guy reach out and do that. And I went into it and I was like, yes, like I'm going to get all the answers I want. And it's going to's gonna be great I'm gonna say this and he's gonna say this and then he's gonna know what he did and it was just like the most pointless conversation I've ever had and I was like you are here to make yourself feel better and we have accomplished nothing um I think with Caitlin if you if I mean the first things that comes to mind in my recent life with Andy, we had, she came to my apartment in Chicago and we had a chat, um,

that I definitely felt like I got closure from, um, and I had moved on, but like that, that one really rattled me just as my first bachelor experience. I know I knew very little about the show stuff and what to believe or what was real or what wasn't. And I had so many questions and obviously the whole AFR of, of it all. I think we were both had some trauma from that experience. And so that, that was,

uh, I got, that was a, a good conversation with Caitlin. I got closure much, much, much, much sooner without ever having a conversation with her. And four years later after her and Sean broke up and we chatted, it was a nice conversation.

And it certainly was, you know, I wouldn't say I got closure from it, but I appreciated it. It was like, it's really nice to get like that cherry on top closure when you don't even need it where it's just like yeah that was nice and i'm glad we had this conversation but you know i i had accepted it and you know and i i'm sure my experience from the previous season really helped but i did not require a conversation with caitlin um to get the closure I needed for that relationship have you ever had the experience of sometimes when I people in the

past who like I was just like basically shitty situationships where it was like oh I was bending over backwards for people who didn't give a shit about me and I was not holding the line and like demanding better treatment for myself and it they weren't sure as shit we're doing it proactively and then like they reach out and i just feel so disinterested in responding like after the fact and like the sense of like closure that that brings of like yeah you're like what's the point when you realize there's nothing really to talk about because you probably think about all the questions you would want to ask them and realize that you no longer give a shit anymore great feeling or even yeah like at one point you were like anxiously awaiting their texts and like it was like consuming your day

and then you get one you're like i'll respond in a few hours like and i oh are you a coffee spill damn it coffee spill well sometimes we wrap this segment up. I go clean my shirt. Yes. If you found closure, please pop it in the chat. And if you want to send us some coffee lids, drop it in the chat as well. OK, so our next written update was from our caller who said that she was still crying over her ex 10 months later. Your advice was kind of, you know, at this point, you're really not crying over him.

It's a matter of kind of feeling sorry for yourself. That was one of those kind of almost generic topics, but very relatable. A lot of a lot of people connected with. Yeah, I remember that well. So we needed to know, has she stopped crying? Has she signed up for therapy? She was like crying every day. Reading, don't text your ex happy birthday. She's crying daily. You're not crying over him anymore. Okay. So she says, I truly appreciate you reaching out. I've been doing well post our call a few weeks ago.

Nick gave me the wake up call that I needed to really just change my mindset and realize that sitting around pitying myself is just wasting my time. I've reached out to a few therapists and have started daily affirmations and goal setting to help practice a positive mindset and energy. And I can most definitely say that I'm feeling much lighter. It's funny how much changing your mindset can really change your life. Thank you all again so much. Great. She was the one I was like, stop pitting yourself. God knows you've done that enough already. There was some tough love that existed. Yeah, definitely.

It was some OG Nick tough love. But here we are. Needed at times. The wake up call that she needed. Sometimes heading in the right direction. Yeah. And I'm so proud of her for like finding little tangible habits to create. Do you guys have any stuff that comes to mind when you've been either whether it was like a breakup or just like kind of having a really rough time, like mental health wise,

like a habit that you formed that helped you start to like break out of the funk? I just stopped telling myself I stopped using the words never and always. Like I'll always feel this way. I'll never get over this, you know, stuff like that. Things I used to tell myself or things I used to think internally. And I just, you know, you've heard me talk a lot about this. I just started just allowing myself to acknowledge. I started to acknowledge my feelings for what they were and then reminded myself that I don't know when, but they will pass. Like I will, I started telling myself I will get over this even if I didn't know when. And it felt like I was experiencing a feeling that may never go away. I reminded myself that it will.

And I let that be the truth. And so anytime I'd feel that, I'd just kind of remind myself, I'll get over this. Yeah, like the language in your brain. And that shift is huge. When you tell yourself you'll never get over something, chances are you won't get over it.

You don't just magically wake up and get over something, hands are you won't get over it. You know, you don't just magically wake up and get over something. You have to process it. And until you allow yourself to be open to processing it, you won't process it. So, and that was someone very much like this person who, you know, the reason why I couldn't get over someone is because I didn't try.

Deep down, I didn't want to. I would say, I want to get over her. And then I would tell myself and everyone around me, but I can't. And deep down, it was, i didn't want to i would say i want to get over her and then i would tell myself and everyone around me but i can't and deep down it was i don't want to you know and so how do you get over someone that you don't want to get over yeah ali do you have a habit like that's gotten you out of a funk or like kind of that first step i don't know if it was like a habit per se but i felt like when promising young man and i ended things originally i was like whatever moved on pretty quickly and then it all started creeping up like a few weeks after the

fact like in September and I just couldn't wrap my head around it and I was so confused and I was like he talked about getting married and then he said he didn't want to stop sleeping with other people like this is so confusing and I was like bending people's ears and no one was getting it no one was like outraged the way I was. And then I was on the phone with one of my guy friends who is he's so calming and he's so nurturing. And he was saying, like, you have every right to feel this way. Absolutely. And then he was saying, but at this point, like you are choosing to continue to give him more time to give him more of your energy. Like it's it doesn't make sense because you're so

blindsided and outraged and angry but then you continue to give more time to this situation because you like can't stop thinking about it and you're not moving on and that was when i was like oh wait yeah i'm so mad that he doesn't deserve to take up any more time of my life like i have to keep like pushing forward and pushing away from him but yeah totally how about you i feel like well i just feel like the anger thing is really helpful. We're like, I think when I was like, reforming my relationship with like, food and like eating disorder stuff, like, I think being like, I have been brainwashed into hating myself and spending so much time to try to shrink myself because it is a way that people are trying to control me. Like, I think that's the anger of like, fuck you,

you don't get my money and my time and like because i'm a less powerful force for advocating for whatever the fuck i want to advocate for when i'm spending all this time like you know like yeah like bashing myself in and so it seems like i don't know it really is kind of like a in a reframe of empowerment that seems to be like the kind of theme well similar to the caller yeah you're continuing 10 months later to make this part of your daily routine. You're spending time

crying over him when he's off doing God knows what with God knows who. Yes. We love to hurt so much sometimes. So our next caller, Camilla,

I was so excited when we heard from her because she was way back from episode 442. She's the first caller of the episode, and she wasn't sure whether or not she should move across the world to live with her significant other. So just to jog your memory a little bit, they were currently living in Costa Rica, where she's from, where all of her family and friends are. He has kind of a unique

job where he's away at sea for a lot of the time. And so she's lived in they were considering moving to the UK, which she's lived in before. And he doesn't speak Spanish. So it makes sense for them to be in the UK. But she was just feeling apprehensive of the idea of like moving to this brand new place and then having, you know, being in a semi long distance relationship for like big chunks. And a lot of what you said was actually there's a way to look at that as an opportunity and a positive thing, because in a new place like getting like you asked her, you kind of talked to her about how important her friendships were and how like that was a big reason that she wasn't sure whether or not she wanted to move. And you were like, that's actually a context of him being away for months at a time is like really conducive to you forming

these new powerful friendships that you know are going to be important to your success and it's so easy to kind of use a significant other and a partner as a crutch when you move somewhere new and a source of like comfort but like because he's away like you'll probably push yourself more and you will be like more pushed to like just create your own sense of community you also just talked about how like the like risks are risks. Like there is in order to have these like big changes in life, like to get these big rewards, like you have to take these big risks and that like sometimes we want situations to feel like certain and secure and like we're making the right choice.

And part of it is just knowing that you got to take a big swing every now and then. So you didn't necessarily like push super hard for her to do one thing or the other but i think you really spoke to a lot of the concerns she had around moving i think i was leaning towards risk taking yes yes so let us bring on camilla welcome back camilla how's it going good how are you guys so good uh great to talk to you again last time you called in you had uh some you were you weren't sure about the risks you should take maybe you know uh it sounded like you were considering like a long distance relationship and having problems with that but we'll play a

quick clip and remind us about what camilla first called in about what the advice was, and then we'll get a quick update from her. How's it going? Good. I'm Camilla and I'm 27. Hi, Camilla. How can I help? Okay. So I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now, and we have been living together for like nine months. We kind of do like a sort of long distance because he works at sea. So he comes and goes. When he's home, he's like fully home. He's like on vacation.

And it's been working really well because we live in Costa Rica. So and I'm from Costa Rica. So I have like my friends and my family here when he's away. So I don't really feel it as much. It's not that hard. We've been really good with that. But logistically, we've been thinking about what we want to do longer term because he doesn't speak any Spanish. He's from the UK originally. And it's a struggle for us to settle here, in terms of finances, in terms of him being able to make friends. And so long term,

we've been thinking about maybe moving to the UK. You got to live your life for you. And these friends that you've had, these lifelong friends in your family, it's never been easier to stay connected with people all over the world, just no matter how much of a priority you make it. If you move, you'll definitely lose touch with some people. That's a certainty, right? But the relationship might evolve. It just might change. It's like your friendships are always going to evolve regardless if you live in the same city or not. If you settle down with your boyfriend in Costa Rica and you guys have kids and your friends have kids, you'll be

preoccupied and be busy with your family and friends and you'll meet other people and like you might lose touch regardless. So yeah, that's true. This is all to say is that there's no clear answer. Either way, this is going to be a risk. But these fears that you have, I think while understandable, I don't think they should stop you from, you know, trying to make this thing work if you think it's worth it, if it's a priority. Did you take the advice or not? Did it work out? Where are you at? Bring us up to speed. I wasn't really sure if I should move

abroad with my partner because we were considering moving from... We live in Costa Rica right now. We were considering moving to England. I've moved to England before for uni and then university studies. And then I stayed there for a while and I knew how hard it was to be far from my friends and family. So I didn't want to do it again. Your guys' advice, I still think about it now. It was really, really useful. You guys basically told me how staying at a place for others ends up like costing me in the long run because if I don't do things for myself and then these people's priorities change and then I'm just left kind of like in a place where I don't want to be just for sake of being with others and Nick used his example of like not being at home anymore and you guys also like Amanda told

me the story of her living in australia and how that really helped and also it gave me this great advice about how the fact that my boyfriend comes and goes because of his job um would be really useful for me because then i'm not really hooked to his social life and then i would be able to you know have um more friends and be more active and do more things because i wasn't like just inserting myself into his life, but I would actually get like my own. Great. Yeah. So that was the, what happened a year ago ish, a little bit less. And so the updates really unexpected, I think.

And that's why I kind of wanted to let you guys know, but funnily enough, when I called originally last May, that same day, my mom fell really ill. And I don't want to get emotional about it, but I think I'm going to have to. But basically, she got really ill. She had cancer and we didn't know. And basically, two months after that, she passed away. I'm so sorry. And thank you.

It was really, um, unexpected and it was really hard because my sister had already passed away a couple of years ago. And so they were like my two closest family members. And the fact that they both left was a huge shock. And, um, I was here in Costa Rica,ica mostly for her i came back from england during the pandemic here back here to be with her so the fact that she was gone was kind of like the perfect example of sort of what nick was implying in the original call that if i stayed here for someone else and then like they were gone then like what's left for me here so it was really interesting

obviously i know you didn't mean it in like that dark of a twist but that's what ended up happening um and so when when she was when she got really ill and then she ended up passing away really suddenly my partner was um away at work and he was like in Gibraltar or something like that I don't know he was really really far away it was like a 20-hour flight back home and he took it immediately he like dropped everything and came home which was like a big it spoke a lot about his character because you know how alone it would be that honestly that's significant i don't think a lot of you know a lot of people would be like oh i'm so sorry but like that's a 20-hour flight. And he was at work. It wasn't his choice.

Yeah. So good on him. That's clearly someone who really wants to be there for you. Exactly. So I think that really ended up solidifying what I already knew, which was that he was worth the move and he was worth us starting over somewhere else. And so it's obviously been hard um the grieving process and everything i've had to deal with since my mom's passing um

paperwork she didn't have a will a bunch of things happened and this has been like really complicated um but he's been really good with everything and and really supportive and so now we realize that like if there was a good reason to move before there's even more so to do it now and so we started all the paperwork and we are almost finished with it i think if everything goes well in like six weeks we should have an answer but our plan is to move july 1st so we already have like a house so yeah we're gonna move there we have our dog's permits ready to go so she's coming with us and we're in the middle of like selling everything here and yeah so i feel a lot more excited to move now ever since

like the fear that i had before had like kind of like surely slowly but surely moved away and now i'm like more so excited of what's to come and like getting you know a fresh start away from everything yeah i mean again i'm so sorry to deal with that loss but you know um like in this kind of poetic beautiful way yeah i Yeah. I mean, yeah. Him flying home on a 20 hour flight on a drop of a hat kind of I it was probably that that kind of blessing that that sent like you said, that sense of security is someone who's willing to do this for me. clearly cares about me. He's willing to make me a priority. He's willing to sacrifice, you know, and this was work. I mean, how many people do we talk to, you know, where people use work as an excuse? Well, yeah, I got to work, you know, and sometimes it's a valid excuse. Sometimes they don't even have the ability, but, you know, we will make the things that really matter as a priority and we will always figure out a way to do it regardless of what it takes and the fact that he was willing to do this as must be such a sense of like you

know security for you and and such a confidence boost and you can't predict the future and and that one move that he made certainly um was great and he'll have to keep doing that and you'll both have to keep you know prioritizing each other and wake up every day and choose each other. But I think, um, what a, what a beautiful kind of secondary outcome to, you know, what, what was a very tragic with your mom passing resulted in the kind of this beautiful sense of security that you got about your relationship and something that was really weighing on you and and you wanted almost a sign of of is it worth to move my life and and start over with this guy and he was able to give you that um and in a way your mom was able to give you that as kind of a way to kind of set you free so

you know a lot of poetry there and kind of a in a way is a beautiful update yeah no i am i am really happy with this next step and a couple like last week i think it was on the episode that you guys were talking about amanda's friend i think it was or ali's friend i don't know but um that advice like nick's opinion was like he said that it was kind of hard afterwards oh yeah it was my friend it was my best friend. And Nick was very hard on her. Because they believe in her. She just hasn't reached her potential.

Yeah, I thought that was a really good soundbite. I even saved it on my phone whenever I feel like I'm afraid of moving or like, oh my God, I'm going to have no friends. Oh my God, I'm going to start over. And then I listened to that. It's like, that is my full potential. If I keep pushing myself, if I'm just like staying in my comfort zone, like I never know how far I can go. So I think it was great advice. Well, thanks. And just remember, you know, with taking risks in an attempt to reach your full

potential, it will bring obstacles. There will always be moments of disappointment and things will almost sometimes feel like they are blowing up in your face, but that doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. It doesn't mean, you know, that's part of the journey. That's, you know, are you reaching your full potential as is partly your ability to, to deal with difficult challenges. Obviously, you know, nothing's more difficult than a passing of a parent or a loved one. And so certainly you're already dealing with adversity. But don't let, you know, those challenges of taking risks when you meet those challenges stop you from pushing further or second guessing your choices. Because big swings will inevitably, you know, cause you to swing and miss and strike out sometimes.

But I think in the long run, as long as you're making healthy and thoughtful risks, I think most people are better off for it. Thank you. No, it was great advice and I still apply it a lot. So I'm going to keep trying. And yeah, hopefully then in a couple of months, we'll be across the pond. And it's exciting. That's amazing i would love to know like in having to navigate like such intense emotional circumstances and like coming out the other side of that like what are you most proud of yourself for in like the way you were

able to like handle and move through all of the like the loss and the uncertainty and the changes and transitions? Well, certainly a lot of therapy has like taken a huge part. I am someone that like guilt trips myself quite fast and super easily. And it's super easy, I think, to fall into like, I should have done this. I should have done that. Something as simple as like, I don't know, like before everything went out the window, my mom one day was like, I'm not sure if this diagnosis is right. I don't know like before everything went out the window my mom one day was like I'm not sure if this diagnosis is right I don't feel good and I kind of ignored her and I just went like in this huge afterwards once she's passed I felt really really guilty of not listening to her and like

maybe I should have done this maybe I should have done that and like so certainly like being able to forgive myself was a huge part of it and navigating this and being able to not not always not like keep drowning myself in the what-ifs and like um the possibilities of something that just didn't happen anymore i think it's the most important part and be able to just focus on celebrating the things that i did have and what it's brought me because if I just sit down and look at the things that didn't go well or that I could have done better and I just like go down this spiral of guilt and I don't know I just end up feeling really pessimistic about myself and um so I think the best thing I've done to navigate this is for sure just accept things as they've

come and celebrate the things that I did have and the good things that have come and celebrate the things that i did have and the good things that have come of it like what nick was saying about like this is kind of like a gift that she's giving me so that i can move and feel this way now about it and you know just try and not get too hooked on the alternative scenarios if I could have known what I know now kind of thing yeah it's easy to do yeah to go back and the what ifs we all do that a lot yeah all right well congratulations on the upcoming move very exciting stuff um it's gonna be I'm sure a really great adventure for you and one that you'll be really glad that you made yeah I think so too

thank you so much guys we appreciate it you're so impressive go off think about your last like less than a year it's crazy yeah you've overcome so much and done so much so kudos to you thank you thank you so much

you guys are the best and you're like a huge part of my day-to-day life and i do feel like you're my besties you're part of the crew uh well we'll keep pumping out more content for your long flight yeah i even started watching the bachelor so i can keep listening to you guys. There we go. That's amazing. Thank you. Thank you so much, you guys. All right. Take care.

Bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, review, tell your friends. If you need more updates, there are two episodes behind Vile Files. Plus, for all you Love is Blind fans, don't forget that we are breaking down the first five episodes of Love is Blind, also in an episode behind Vile Files Plus. Katie Maloney next week. Phoebe Robinson to chat,

and we'll get into the whole series of Love is Blind next Thursday, going deeper as well. Thanks for listening. We'll see you on Monday.