The Viall Files - E563 Ask Nick - My Fiancé Paid for a SexBot

Episode Date: April 3, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we read an email from a listener who’s friend cheated on her boyfriend six months after he cheated on her, and what the expiration date is for photos on dating apps. We then get our latest Breakup Song of the Week submission. Our first caller caught her fiancé paying for nude photos from a bot, and isn’t sure how to move forward with the relationship or the wedding. Our second caller is mourning the loss of a seventeen year relationship after breaking up with her childhood friend and crush. Our final caller’s boyfriend has changed his mind on having premarital sex with her because of religion. We dive into if she sees a future with him and wants to get married, and how religion will play a part in their relationship.  “You don’t have harmony, you’re suffering.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://www.viallfiles.supportingcast.com Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Rakuten - Rakuten is an online shopping platform that rewards you for shopping. Cash back rates change daily. Go to https://www.Rakuten.com NOW or download the Rakuten App today.  Grammarly - The right tone can move any project forward when you get it just right with Grammarly. Go to https://www.grammarly.com/VIALL to download and learn more about Grammarly Premium’s advanced tone suggestions. EveryPlate - Get started with EveryPlate for just $1.49 per meal by going to https://www.EveryPlate.com/podcast and entering code viall149. Article Furniture - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://www.ARTICLE.COM/VIALL and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm nick joined by the household of ally amanda and derek what is going on everybody can we release a christmas card from the household we have enough time to prep for it well what can we just who do we send our christmas card to i don't know your parents my parents our parents i think we could do a christmas card ish photo okay i I would love that. That we would digitally send to our audience. Okay. Nothing makes me more excited about having kids than the prospect of like the ridiculous bits

I could do in Christmas cards photos. Oh, yeah. We should definitely have matching outfits of some kind. Certainly. And awkwardly sit on this couch. Yes. I love that. And Kiki can have a little like accessory to match.

Yeah, for sure. That would be awesome. Absolutely. Maybe some cool merch you know yeah bye-bye christmas check out the merch yeah yeah nick how are you you always ask us how we're doing how are you doing i'm delightful yeah thriving what's the latest greatest thing in your life i don't you know i just wake up every day and grind. What's the latest, greatest thing? I don't know.

This episode. This episode, yeah. Our update episode that dropped last Friday, if you haven't gotten to that. Now, I know it's a little confusing because we have Vile Files Plus and we're doing more and more update specials behind Vile Files Plus for all the people who love their updates. But as promised, and as Amanda panicked about uh we're not taking anything away so our once a month update special for what month are we in march uh just dropped who knows and is available uh if you haven't listened to it so check it out great it's it's a really good one it's a one of my favorite updates uh from all all the calls. It was really great.

So make sure to check that out. While we're on the topic, don't forget we have Katie Maloney with us tomorrow for our freestyle episode. I'm sure we'll get into what happened at the, I don't know how much she can tell us about the reunion, but I'm sure there's a lot of tea and a lot of information and a lot of context that Katieie can share with us and we're

excited very excited to talk with katie uh once again uh i know we're i think we're planning having sheena on uh sooner later i know lala wants to come back um so i love this revolving door of vanderpump i love it too. We also broke down in much great detail the first batch of episodes for Love is Blind behind Vile Files Plus and our Pop Culture Roundup. That's available. We'll be getting into

a more kind of high level discussion of Love is Blind this Thursday and going deeper with our guest Phoebe Robinson, hysterical comedian, big fan of Love is Blind. We'll certainly cover it, but there's, you know, there's, I don't know how many episodes now, like 12 are out or something like that. Crazy.

So we'll talk about the season in general, but if you want to get into the weeds with us, check out Vile Files Plus. Just go to vilefiles.com. It's a seven day free trial and it's rated fresh. It's certified fresh. Certified fresh. 100%. If you haven't heard 100 already uh what's going on okay yeah so actually i wanted to run something by you which is

someone wrote in with an interesting dilemma and it kind of we've been talking on the show a lot about like cheating particularly as a friend of someone who is either committing infidelity or on the receiving end of infidelity, kind of like at what point do you intervene? When do you owe people? So this person wrote in saying, I have a dilemma with one of my friends and her relationship, and I'm not sure how to go about it. Basically, my friend met this guy two years ago and they started dating. Last February of 2022, he went to a party and cheated on her she went through his phone and found out they somewhat resolved it but then she ended up cheating on him during a trip to europe last august she came to me

last week with all this information in an attempt to get my advice the whole time i thought they were doing fine i seriously don't know what to tell her on a basic level i think they should end it but she wanted to hear your take so the friend came to her saying this is all this was all new so it was like hey i just cheated on matt but oh by the way he had cheated on me first and i found out because i went through his phone does does matt know in this scenario it seems like matt doesn't know. Matt doesn't know. Because she included a line about how, you know, the friend found out about Matt cheating on her. And so there's nothing about Matt finding out. So we have to assume Matt doesn't know.

Matt doesn't know. It's also interesting timing because so Matt cheated in February and then let's say friend cheated in August. So it's like this has clearly been weighing heavy on friend's heart. If you know, in March, she's reaching out about the last infraction. So what, and then the person right in wants to know what they're kind of like, what's your take on all of this?

And I guess the question that I would have for you is like, how does cheating as kind of a reciprocated act of emotional violence like does that change it at all does that change the context do we have a little bit of more like do we have i just have two cheaters totally do you have more empathy for friend do i have more empathy for friend no i i could argue that i have less empathy. Because she knows how it feels. Because she knows how it feels. If we were talking to the person, I would just play the role as a friend.

So I would, if the friend came to me, I would just say, okay, well, that's crazy. You know, like it's, well, my first question would be, well, what do you want to do? Why did you cheat on him? You know, how did it make you feel when you found out he cheated on you? And I would ask her like, you say you kind of resolved it.

What does kind of mean? You know, and when you say resolved, did you guys, did you just like choose to forgive him or choose to pretend to forgive him or try to be okay with something that ultimately you couldn't be okay with? Did you guys, you know, enter into any type of therapy? Is in therapy are you in therapy like what are you doing you know i've you've talked about this a lot lately but like people don't just magically change you know and if you don't know why they cheated i was you know and on rachel bilson's podcast and they asked about this and this came up and it was um you can't just hope people change so if i were playing the friend i would just ask her a bunch of questions like you know i don't think it's as a friend it's that helpful to say well i think you should break up because you know they have

to come to that decision on their own yeah i would just ask her how she feels about how do you feel about the relationship it also doesn't seem like the relationship was necessarily doing well or didn't feel trustworthy because you had a good quote for something else that happened like this where I think a caller had gone through a phone and found x y and z and you said no matter what you found in his phone it's still not acceptable that you went and were digging for it like it doesn't excuse your actions because you found something so the fact that she was already going through his phone and searching for this kind of stuff i'm like something was off she knew something was

off or they've had issues with trust before yeah i'd also yeah because i would yeah i'd be curious that's a great point like why did you what made you go through his phone in the first place like what are your two expectations when it comes to monogamy and trust like what boundaries do you guys have like what's the point i wouldn't tell i wouldn't say you should break up i would ask what's the point of staying in this relationship if you want to stay in it great but like why are you guys in this relationship where you're both hurting each other? And if you choose to want to be in this relationship, are you guys going to choose to not hurt each other? I would also, as the friend, tell the friend that you should tell him, you know, at least at a minimum, do the thing he didn't do for you, which is not tell you. Don't make him find out, you know out by snooping through your phone or through

a friend. So I would challenge your friend to, even if she wants to break up with him, to be upfront and do the right thing. Another thing that I think is a huge red flag slash bummer about this situation is that she's only telling her friend now, and this is clearly a really close friend if she's willing to share this hyper personal details. And I think anytime I don't want to tell my friend something about my relationship, it makes the alarm bell sound because it's like, and granted, this is my best friends. Sure, we have some friends who we pick and choose what we share, different backgrounds, different values, different levels of judgment. But the fact that she's been keeping this from everyone and that it's finally, you know, she's finally letting it out.

It's clearly been weighing on her. And I feel like that's just. She got. Well, she was keeping it from everyone that she was cheated on. It sounds like she recently cheated on him. And then it was August and she cheated on him in August. When did she. When.

OK. So he cheated February, august six months later and like over six months later now she's finally telling her about him cheating over a year ago and her cheating six months ago yeah and maybe she was embarrassed by him cheating initially and didn't want to share that or maybe she was embarrassed about dating through his phone but you know yeah i don't think it lets you off the hook from a, I mean, you know, there's no character police out there, but I just don't think it makes you, I don't think it makes it okay. And as far as this relationship is concerned, I don't think it would be helpful for the relationship to say, well, you cheated, so did I. a relationship is concerned how does that build trust you know it just makes you feel that like if you fuck up then your partner has the right to retaliate in any way they seem fit you know like that's not that's not a relationship you know like totally so yeah i um i definitely don't think

that it makes it okay and i think the friend should encourage i think you should sit the friend down and first empathize as always this must be really difficult i can understand why you you know why you didn't tell anyone i i don't know why friends do the whole thing it's just like why didn't you tell me i don't know and friends and i don't know if this is a gender thing you know i feel like it might be i could be wrong let me know in the comments. But it seems like friendships between women, they care more about secret keeping and they bond over secrets and then they get mad when the other person doesn't tell them secrets and things like that. I think we just want to know everything. Yeah. I don't know that. It's interesting to hear you

say the word secrets because I I guess I just think of it as like stuff that's like kind of at your core level of vulnerability or like I think women are lucky to like I feel very lucky to have all these like very close relationships where I feel like I can share so so much and it feels like that's very much encouraged within society and nurtured in a way that's not always for men. But if a friend at any point chose not to share something with you because or anyone else, have you ever been like mad at a friend for not telling you their secret? And Allie is nodding yes. I want to know.

I feel like there's like the ego reaction where I think it's maybe more of like I think it maybe like triggers women's ego in a way that it might not trigger men's ego because like I pride myself on being like I think some friends value trading secrets and and they use it as a currency and bond over trading each other's secrets and when that secret uh trading isn't reciprocated i think people can get really mad uh at the front and i've never understood that because if someone fucks up like in this in this particular case his friend like cheating is wrong like she fucked up but like you know cheaters tend to lie you, and cheaters tend to feel very self-conscious about judgment and they feel a lot of shame and who knows? I mean, like, well, it's not okay, you know, and doesn't make it right. Maybe her cheating was a reaction from the pain that she felt from being cheated on and she just handled it very poorly, just like her boyfriend handled whatever he was. I don't know why he cheated. You know, like it's just when we cheat or it's we're processing, we're handling something poorly,

you know, being triggered or, you know, the need for it. I don't know what it is, but we're handling these poorly. So the idea that when someone fucks up, that they might not feel comfortable letting anyone know let along you know everyone or a certain friend because maybe they feel shame like i just don't know why why friends will then judge other friends for not feeling comfortable like sharing something it's like it's weird to me but it seems like it's less so judging though it's not judging it's not judging it's like it's like i want to know everything about you yeah i want to pick your brain i don't feel entitled to

everything but i want to feel like i can support you in every way imaginable and so it's like a scary thing i'm just like now you get a mitt to being mad which i appreciate your honesty yeah yeah but it's not because i'm like judgmental and it's not because i view it as currency there's a bit of if you're mad then it's not because I view it as currency. There's a bit of if you're mad, then there's a sense of you should have told me that that's by definition of entitlement. It's OK. Like, I feel entitled. I just feel like with certain like best friends.

Yeah, I think it's you could have told me more than you should have told me. Well, that you could have told me is fine. You should have told me or why didn't you tell me is different. And I think there's a lot of why didn't you tell me or you should have told me out there amongst friendships. Especially, let's say, the person who wrote in like had a secret that she shared with that friend, you know? And then she didn't know this secret, so she's like, well, now you know about me, but I don't know about you.

It's just, I think in general, if you have bonded over a friend, over a secret that you kept, and that secret that you're keeping, potentially is information that could hurt someone else. As I've said before, you're not being a friend. You're just being an accomplice. And you should rethink your friendship and you should start protecting their character rather than their secrets.

I feel like I'm coming at this person who wrote it and I don't know, but I would be a friend by being supportive, ask a lot of questions about how it made them feel, ask them what they're doing to heal, whether that's heal from the relationship or heal from the trauma of the being cheated on or healing from whatever trauma that caused her to respond in this toxic way. But she should probably do something,

like maybe therapy. And if she's probably do something, like maybe therapy. And if she's already in therapy, then I would have her make sure she tells her therapist. But yeah, interesting. And I do think maybe some of the benefit, though, is if you are keeping a secret from a friend and then you find out, I think there's hopefully a relief and a release.

So hopefully in feeling this micro-dose of of relief even though she didn't tell the person who she certainly needs to tell matt like at least hopefully this is helping her like through positive reinforcement i think that this friend being like i'm really glad you told me i'm glad this is out in the open i really want you to work through this i don't want this to be something that festers and that you carry alone. Yeah, and that, you know, empathize. It must have been hard to, like, not tell anyone. Thank you for sharing. I think you need to tell him. Do you want to stay in this relationship? And if they say yes, why do you want to stay in this relationship?

And if they give you a good reason why, then say, well, what are you guys going to do to make sure this type of toxic behavior that is hurting the both of you stops because you like clearly you not are you're not handling this relationship in a very healthy way also if they've been together for two years half of their relationship at this

point has been them cheating on each other I mean I don't know if that really I'm just saying it's an interesting point of like if he cheated over a year ago and she cheated six or seven months ago. Oof. It's been baked into this dynamic for so long. It seems like maybe our girl will need our breakup

playlist and that brings us to the most recent breakup song of the week, which is If He Wanted To, He Would by Kylie Morgan. Our submitter said, I heard this song and it just made me think this is the song and the vibe that all the girls need in today's dating world. The lyrics are great and I feel like

it's Nick approved. I definitely think it's a more empowering song to listen to. Because you were saying you want some pump up songs. You don't just want the sad, sad tear, tear boo-hoo moment. You also want some of the rising from the ashes Phoenix. So the lyrics that this person highlighted were

just because he said happy birthday. Don't waste a wish on him. Don't psycho analyze him. Make it more than what it is. He won't suddenly be the somebody that you wish he was. If he didn't, then he doesn't. If he wouldn't, then he wasn't. Don't text your ex happy birthday. Don't do it.

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Yeah, listen, I mean, if you're like me and you don't know where commas go and you misspell things all the time and you just sound like a dum-dum because it's just not your strength, the old grammar thing, just get Grammarly and just easily fix some of the common mistakes that you make

on a routine basis, sending emails at work. Let Grammarly help you be smart, professional, and write sound and efficient emails. Go to grammarly.com slash V-I-A-L-L to download and learn more about Grammarly Premium's Advanced Tone Suggestion. That's G-R-A-M-M-A-R-L-Y dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's grammarly.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's Grammarly.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Also, you were saying you had a question about dating app etiquette. Oh yeah, your photos.

Your photos on dating apps, how long should they stay on there? Yeah, I was wondering. As long as you look in the mirror and you see the same person, I think it's fine. I have one on there from like my...

But if you get a haircut or you dye your hair or you just look objectively different, you should update it. I think it's such a source of anxiety for people to pick photos for dating apps because on one hand, you want to put your best foot forward and show the most like you want to show the best photos of yourself. But then I think there's also this like real fear sometimes when you meet someone in person of like the best photos of yourself throughout then I think there's also this like real fear sometimes when you meet someone in person of like the best photos of yourself throughout your lifespan your best I'm talking

more generally like about like the philosophy and the mindset that's going into this of like it's already this kind of minefield of being like okay obviously I want to like look my best but I don't want to look so good that like they're gonna that you can't potentially disappointment when they see me like that's I think everyone's like that's my worst case scenario when I meet someone off a dating app I think you should all ask a friend an honest friend and have them review your dating app profile and say do any of these pictures not accurately represent how I look oh that's a good question also having a friend in addition to that just go through your camera roll and pick out photos for you because there are some that have been picked out for me that i never would have

picked myself that's a good that's a great a great idea ask a friend to select photos of yourself yeah uh because yeah like you might i think we can get biased and critical of ourself and like photos that other people will be like i don't know if that's your best photo but this photo you look great and you're like really you know and like sometimes that other people will be like, I don't know if that's your best photo, but this photo, you look great. And you're like, really? And sometimes in this day and age, we take so many photos of ourself or selfies that we just kind of get, it all looks the same

or we're very hypercritical. And yeah, I think having your friends select photos of yourself is an excellent dating app exercise. But I'm curious if anyone listening in the in the comments have are how what's the oldest photo you have on your dating app profile like how old how long ago did you take that photo my 23rd birthday how old are you 25 and a half oh you're good two and a half years ago but it's like a mirror selfie it's not it's it's like more of like a full body it's like a mirror selfie of me's not. It's like more of like a full body.

It's like a mirror selfie of me in a jumpsuit. You can't even really see my face. Well, I feel like it's fine. That's. I should see your face. I'm not on it right now anyway. So it really doesn't matter. That's right.

Allie's off the apps, baby. All right. Well, we got a great episode for you again. Don't forget. Better date than never is this week. Thursday, 9 p.m. Eastern. And if you can't listen to it live, every episode of Better Date Than Never is behind Vile Files Plus. They drop every Wednesday. We have a fantastic show lined up for you this week. So

if you're around Thursday night, you're feeling lonely, it's turning this great community of people in the live chats, sharing best practices and fun stories. If you're not doing anything tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern, check it out. I promise you you'll laugh, you'll have fun, you'll probably meet some friends, if nothing else. So make sure you do that. Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, I'm Sarah.

I'm 28 and I caught my fiance sexting a bot. A bot. How did you... What is a bot for anyone who's wondering? Yeah, it sounds fake. It's like the spam accounts that follow you on Instagram or social media or anything like that. Okay. And did he know it was a bot or did he realize it was a bot after the fact?

So there was a credit card transaction. there was a credit card transaction. And after the credit card transaction, he started to kind of question the legitimacy. But at first, he did think that it was a person. And then after he found out it was a bot, did he keep text sexting with this entity? No, because after he paid, obviously he never heard anything back. Walk us through how this all started. Walk us through the moment you got suspicious. Start from the beginning of your suspicion and go from there. I've gone through a few things in my past. So just my trust with people in general is a little trust with people in general is a little shaky. And so I've never gone through his phone or anything like that. But I just kind of had a gut feeling here or there sometimes that

maybe something was off. So I think I've gone through his iPad like two or three times and we've been together for three and a half years. His iCloud is not connected to his iPad. So I can't see like, you know, I'm not like going in the trenches, like text messages and all those things. But his photos for some reason are backed up on his iPad. So he went away on a weekend work trip. And when he came back, everything was fine. But just later that week, and he was on like a Friday, Saturday afternoon. I just was like, and he was home. I was like, I'm just going to just like, just check real quick. He was taking a nap.

And I looked at his camera roll. And in his camera roll were two selfies, clearly in a hotel room. One photo that I took of him and his friend dropped to where it's just him. And then a dick pic. I mean, how do you react to that? Like, I'm like, okay, I mean, obviously something's going on. So yeah, kind of speechless.

And like, I didn't receive that picture. I just, no, I would remember. And so I went out to the couch and I was just like, I woke him up and I was like, you have one opportunity to, you know, tell me the truth. And I asked him if he was cheating on me. And he was so confused and genuinely confused. I'm just holding the iPad in my hand. I'm shaking. And he said no. And I was just speechless. I mean, I literally had nothing to say. So he grabs the iPad and sees what I see. And then everything starts to unravel.

He didn't remember sending a dick pic i mean i don't know he like just woke up from a nap and i asked him if he was cheating on me and i mean i guess the answer to that would be a yes no i don't know the answer is yes okay yeah i mean listen like it's you know i guess everyone's definition of cheating can be different. And then people kind of have qualifications like, oh, if you ever cheat on me, I'm done. People will always say that. People will always have this like,

well, I would never stay with anyone who cheated on me. And then people get cheated on and they have a very sometimes different way of handling it, right? It's just like, well, then they try to justify it to themselves, right? Well, they were only emotional cheating or they were sexting or it was only a blow job or, you know what I'm saying? So you could have asked him, are you cheating on me? And he could have explained, he could have justified to himself, well, I'm not cheating on you because, you know, unless I'm fucking another girl, I'm not cheating. His look on his face could just simply be that he just decided in that moment that it wasn't cheating and he justified it. It's like, oh, I'm just like, I'm just sexting no big deal. Right? justified it. It's like, oh, I'm just sexting no big deal, right? In a way, was he bold-faced lying? Maybe not, but just because he looked shocked and didn't think he was cheating doesn't mean you don't have the right to think it wasn't cheating. And then you have to ask yourself,

am I just telling myself it's not cheating because I don't want to break up with him, or I don't want to think my fiance cheated on me. Since that moment, we do refer to it as infidelity. When we're talking about it, there was a short little span that we went to therapy about it as well. So in those moments, since the first confrontation, it has been referred to as infidelity. orientation it has been referred to as infidelity okay so you so you caught him uh and then what did he say at first when you showed him the dick pic it took him i mean i just started like crying i went into my to the closet and i closed the door and i was like i just like need a second and i'm like on the ground and he i mean we just had i just was like you need to just tell me what's going on and I asked if it was like a girl like a girl like a human you know like a girl and um he's like I'm so

embarrassed but that's when he went into it I guess while he was at his work trip he and this is where it all makes sense someone friended him on Snapchat. I don't really use Snapchat. If I'm using it, I'm Snapchatting him or a few of my close friends, but someone added him on Snapchat. He figured that he knew her. He added her back. And then immediately, that account messaged him in the Snapchat chat, sending him photos. And then she started to ask him for some. And at first he said, you know, like turns the camera and like sent her a photo through Snapchat. And then the account asked him, oh, no, can you like say because it's all a scam, right?

Like they want his photos so they can you know get other women and use them so his like dick pic is like out in the world right now um with his face or just his dick i mean probably both well you saw the picture but the dick pic is just his dick okay okay i think like the hardest thing too is that like during that weekend like i have like wedding dress appointments and stuff so like we're doing like two totally opposite things you know so how did the conversation go with him after you he clearly saw what you were seeing he told you all of this where did that go then um I mean, we live together. We own a house together.

So there is no like, you know, that complicates things too. Also, this is my fiance. I genuinely thought or think that, you know, he was my person. So it's like, it's not as easy as like a boyfriend. So we just, we talked about it and i was like i mean obviously we're gonna have to go to therapy so and i was like that's on you like that's not my responsibility i'm more of like the the type a person so i'm like you need to like do the research and find who covers the insurance and figure that out and schedule it and good for you we're gonna have to do that and so he did and i mean and i also want to say like this whole time, I mean, he has besides the instant,

you know, when he woke up from the nap and the first question, he's taking complete ownership of it. And as much as, you know, has tried to do as much as he can to alleviate all of this. He went to therapy like three or four times. And then it just got to the point where I'm so busy and I'm so frustrated that I have to like give this mental space and energy to this, like something that I had nothing to do with, but now I'm involved. And so it got to a point where I was just like so frustrated, like having to do this every week and which I mean isn't good either but I was like, I just like I can't do this like I need a break from therapy.

So you stopped therapy. I stopped therapy. And I'm just I just felt like I needed to make the decision myself. Are you going to get over it? Or are you not? Like at the end of the day that's the decision and i felt like okay if i told myself you know i'm going to forgive him and we're going to move forward that everything would you know be okay and it has been but sometimes i'll just you know

kind of go back to that space and i just think the hardest thing is that I can't understand like why, what his thought process was leading up to that. And when a girl even added him on Snapchat, like I'm not doing that. I mean, probably in the past I would have, but I'm so committed to him and I love him so much that I would have never even accepted it, let alone like go that go that far. And then the other part of it is that like, I would never want another person seen like the most intimate parts of me. So I just can't understand like, that thought process. Did you talk through like what his motivation was when you were in therapy? We didn't get too too far into the nitty gritty by the time I ended it.

I mean, really, he just didn't have an answer. I mean, what can he say? So throughout therapy, you haven't gotten any answers? I mean, we went like three or four times, and it was really just about, you know, him and I are so busy with our careers, and there was not like distance, but we just, I don't know. He's just, the only thing I've ever gotten is like, he just kind of got caught up in the moment.

Well, why did he choose not to make you a priority in that moment? Is he going to therapy on his own? No. You choose not to make you a priority in that moment. Is he going to therapy on his own? No. Well, that might be something you guys look into. So it sounds like you're still in the, I don't know if I want to forgive him or if I can forgive him. Are you still not sure what you want to do?

I mean, it sounds like deep down you hope that you can salvage this relationship and you love him and you want to be engaged to him. But as you know, you've been hurt. Your trust has been violated. You feel embarrassed and wronged. And I can only imagine that I'm sure multiple times a day you are triggered by something that reminds you of what he did. And that consumes your thoughts and your energy. that reminds you of what he did, and that consumes your thoughts and your energy,

and it will probably ruin your mood, ruin your day, and then you work to get over it, and then maybe you're fine for a while, then you get triggered by something else. Does this all sound kind of relatable and familiar? Yeah. So that won't just stop. That will get better over time, but it's not going to just stop.

So if you're trying to figure out if in the next, you know, week or a couple months that you can get to a place where you can just quote unquote, forgive him and forget that it happened to move on. That's not realistic. You know, that's not going to happen.

It can get better, right? It will, you know, certainly and, and therapy happen. It can get better, right? You know, certainly. And therapy, couples therapy can go a long way to doing that. You should, there's a TED Talk. Have you ever heard of Esther Perel? I love her podcast. Yeah.

So she did a TED Talk about affairs. It's like 20 minutes long. You should check it out. She just kind of talks about just affairs in general. And she talks about just how they, for some people, it's kind of like the final nail in the coffin. And for other couples, it is, I guess, an opportunity to reconnect and have a more honest and open conversation about needs not being met or things like that. Right.

And so as far as the therapy that you guys are going through, you're going to understand why you're just like, I'm too busy. I don't want to deal. This is not my fault. I got brought into this. But listen, as long as you want to be in this relationship. Right. Regardless of your fiance cheated on you. That sucks. And you have to deal with that. But in every relationship, right? Regardless if your fiance cheated on you, that sucks and you

have to deal with that. But in every relationship, shit happens, right? In every relationship, there are going to be times where each party hurts the other person. Now, this is a huge violation and this is incredibly painful and you were cheated on and not everyone has to deal with that. But as long as you want to be in relationship, you have to kind of deal with the crap that can come with it. And I'm not saying you have to deal with this. I'm just saying everyone in relationships have to deal with something. There's no point, I guess, if you being in this relationship, if you don't want to work through it, you know? And so therapy isn't just going to be something that gets you over the fact that he cheated on you. Therapy can be something that rediscovers why this might have happened in the first place,

but more importantly, how you guys can connect, better connect now and going forward. And so you have to decide if that's what you want to do, if you're willing to do that. Like, do you feel from him some like real regret? You know, do you feel like he is really, this has woken him up like that? He really wants to hold himself accountable. Is he motivated to want to do right by you in the relationship? Is he going out of his way to find out how he can make you feel more secure and things like that? Again, if I were him, if I were you, I would hope that in addition to

couples therapy, that he is seeking out therapy for himself. Why did he on a guy's weekend feel the need to do this? I do think if you want to be in this relationship, you should be in therapy. I think you are doing yourself a disservice by staying in this relationship and not going to therapy. And therapy isn't going to be just about figuring out why he cheated on you.

It's going to be about how you guys can connect and grow and stay connected and figure out what is triggering him. What was the trigger that caused him to do this? And if he can't answer that question, if his genuine answer is, I don't really know, that might be true. But he needs to work through that then through therapy. He needs to get to the bottom of why he was making this decision. Yeah. I mean, I guess that's like, that's like the one thing that's missing is, is why or how it happened. I mean, that's like the one question, the number one question that I have,

you know, a therapist might say like, oh, he was, he could have been triggered by something. And then he was using a different part of his brain. It was being, you know, his subconscious brain. And there's some truth to that, but at the same time, like, you know, he needs to work through that because saying, I don't know, and then doing nothing about it, I wouldn't feel very safe if I were you, right? Going forward, because then how do you know it isn't going to happen again? Like, what is he doing differently to change this behavior you have a lot of reasons to be concerned right you know you don't know if he would have told you there's no reason to assume he would have the fact that it

was a bot it's just kind of a comical part of the story to be honest right he thought it was a real person and then he thought he was he was willing to pay money to get more nudes from what he thought was a real person and send a dick pic you know so like the fact that it was a bot is just you know it's kind of a non-issue funny i guess and a weird kind of crazy like you can all you can do is laugh type of thing but at the end of the day as far as as he was concerned, it was a real person. In therapy, you know, I did talk about that as, I mean, I think it would have been a little bit more preferred if he, when I asked him that question, he was like, oh no, I knew it was a bot, like some random, like, because I have heard of that before, like knowingly sexting a bot and people pay for that.

And in my, you know, spinning and not knowing what to do and didn't want to go to therapy, I got on Reddit and I looked at Reddit and like some people, like some partners, like think of that as like a form of porn. And so I'm like, should I not be upset about it? Should I like yeah listen like is it you can be in an open relationship and still cheat now you

guys aren't in an open relationship my point is is that you guys did not have a conversation or any expectations set up or boundaries around this conversation so even if it was a bot and even if you thought it was a bot it's still cheating as far as you were concerned because because he was sending a dick pic and sexting with something and he didn't know it was a bot. So you know what I'm saying? That's you trying to rationalize. That's not doing you any good.

That's a waste of your energy, trying to rationalize his behavior so that you can accept it, so that you can forget about it and move forward and be less hurt and mad. That's not gonna get you anywhere. As far as your ego is concerned, as far as any thoughts of feelings of embarrassment and things like that, what's going to help you is just recognize that you're not alone. It happens to all people. I've been cheated on while engaged.

Other people have. People get married and get cheated on. So you're not alone there, right? And the embarrassment that you feel is just your ego thinking that this could never happen to you. But this happens to all of us. And you have no reason to feel embarrassed because it's nothing you did. There's nothing you could have done differently to stop this. When you feel that embarrassment and you feel that shame, those are the thoughts that you should think.

It's just like, well, I'm not foolish or I'm not any worse than anyone else because this has happened to so many people. This has happened to, and I hate that when people say, how could people cheat on Emily Ratajkowski or whatever as if that looks have anything to do with it. But your ego thinks it does. So remind your ego that everyone, including the Emily Ratajkowski's of the world, get cheated on because it has nothing to do with looks or how much money you make or how much power you have or how charming you are.

It just has nothing. This is a flaw in him. you are, you know, it just has nothing. This is a flaw in him. Your fiance has something going on in him that had stopped him from prioritizing you in the relationship in that moment. I don't know what it was, and it's certainly not an excuse for his behavior. It is something going on with him that he needs to address and fix. And then you have to decide, are you willing to work with him and have this situation, while as painful as it is, be something that reconnects you to in the sense that, you know, while it's not your fault in any way, maybe you guys just got a little less connected. Maybe you did get caught up with life and work and things like that.

And maybe you both just at times made each other feel a little bit less like a priority. You know, maybe there are things you can do in the relationship to stay connected on a more regular basis, you know, connect with, you know, re-identify each other's love languages in terms of like, you know, what makes, when we're fighting, how do you feel inside? You've, you know, what makes, when we're fighting, how do you feel inside? You know, what kind of anxiety is going through your mind? How can I make you feel safe and secure when we feel disconnected?

Maybe it's as simple as holding hands and touching each other. A lot of people, when they're in conflict, have that distance between each other and that makes you feel more vulnerable. And so when two people fight, they're both kind of, what they really want is their partner to come

and embrace them and say, everything's going to be okay. And we do the opposite because we're like, we don't want to be vulnerable. We don't want to go to their partner and give them a hug and say everything's going to be okay

because we're afraid they're going to reject us. We're afraid they're going to say no. And then that's when both people are doing that. So you both say kind of passive aggressive remarks and things like that. Now, cheating aside, what are ways where you guys feel disconnected? And then how can you guys come back together as a couple and maybe be stronger for it? And so now you guys can start having these honest conversations because a lot of times couples don't. They'll stay together. They'll be dating for a while. Everything is generally fine. You're generally happy. Everything's generally good. But deep down, there are needs not being met. And we brush those aside

because we don't want to be a burden to our partner. We don't want to bring it up. And we don't want to sound defensive. And we don't want to sound controlling. And we don't want to sound controlling and we don't want to, you know, be nitpicky and things like that. And meanwhile, we're not communicating. We're not connecting with our partners. I try to ask myself, you know, is it worth going to therapy and like spending all this mental, emotional energy for something that I wasn't involved in to try to figure out his why? Like, I'm like'm like okay if this was the reason why that was the reason why is it really going to make me feel any better but you were saying to look at it from like cheating separately we'll work through that and then we'll look at it separately so i do like that idea yeah i just you're never just gonna get over it you know you're just not it's gonna pop up

from time to time you're gonna going to happen. Even if you guys get back into therapy and things are generally good, especially because it was via messaging, anytime he goes out of town, you might get triggered. Anytime he's looking a little shitty on his phone, you might get triggered. And you're going to have to work through that and process that. And hopefully, if you guys are in couples therapy, you will learn the tools to try to understand and and figure out you know again have a better understanding why he did that and then work through it and and check in more often and and figure out if you guys can just stay connected but you're just never so annoying

yeah i know yeah i mean you have a right to be annoyed i don't i don't want to i have to like i mean i don't have a choice i guess but i mean i don't want to have to like, I mean, I don't have a choice I guess, but I mean, I don't want to have to like process that, you know, while he's on his phone and like think of you know, work through that and do like I don't feel like doing that. I know. It sucks.

Something to be said, you don't like really have to make a decision right now in a sense. Right? This is relatively new you can break up with them from six you know at any point especially between now and any wedding day three months from now you can say hey listen like i tried i wanted to forgive you we went to therapy but like i i just can't get over it and ultimately like like that thing you did has made me love you less and I no longer want to work on it anymore

and I want out of this relationship. But you don't have to decide that now. Right now, this could be all part of your decision-making process. So, you know, take away the pressure of what should I do? You know, like just because you're going to therapy doesn't mean like you're married. You know, it doesn't mean like

you're committing to him forever. But like, what's the point of you trying to figure this out mean like you're married you know it doesn't mean like you're committing to him forever but like what's the point of you trying to figure this out on your own and just like ask yourself can i get over it can i can't get over it because you're never just going to forget it the therapy is going to help you process it it's going to help you work through being triggered when you get triggered when you get reminded of something it's going to help you guys communicate better it's going to help you guys again stay connected and i would to help you guys again, stay connected. And I would, you know, if I were you, I would love to him get his own individual therapy to figure out why he made some of the choices that he made. And so that through

therapy, he can communicate to you things that he is learning in therapy about his choices, why he does what he does when he feels a certain way. And then hopefully he wants to communicate those things so that you can feel more secure in that relationship. Because I don't know why I did that and I am sorry isn't going to make you feel more secure because you have no assurance that the next time he is triggered, however he might get triggered, he's not going to end up doing the same thing. Yeah. And I really like that because I feel like that's the main thing that I struggle with. Just don't quit on therapy. I would get back into therapy.

And I know it's annoying. But don't you, in therapy, like you haven't felt, do you not get a high from it? Do you not feel more connected? Maybe you guys need a different therapist.

I don't know. No, we did really like it, honestly. So you were just mad? Yeah, I was just, I don't know. No, we did really like it, honestly. So you were just mad? Yeah, I was just, I don't know if it was like too soon or what it was, but I just. You have the right to be mad. Make sure he's paying for it. But yeah, like, you know, it's, you might have to take the time. But also like, what's, you know, would you rather have an hour in therapy

with a third person who's trained in this to kind of mediate your conversations, or would you rather just do it on your own in your head? Because I'm sure you're thinking about this a lot in your head and you're ruminating about it, and it's consuming a ton of your energy and a ton of your time. And that's energy and time. So wouldn time. And that's energy and time.

So wouldn't you rather spend that energy and time more efficiently in therapy rather than eight, 10 hours a day by yourself? So just look at it that way. That's a good point. Yeah, because you are either way thinking about it. You are dealing with it. Right now you're choosing to deal with it

on your own and in your head. And that's costing you way more time than with it on your own and in your head and that's costing you way more time than than therapy is yeah and i do back to your point before i do genuinely believe that he is remorseful and regretful but it's still that gives me like a little reassurance in the moment, but not like long-term, I guess. And then, I mean, also, I mean, we have a date picked out. Deposits are down, save the dates are out. So there is- When is that?

October. Okay. So there is a little, not timeline, but- Yeah, a little bit. I mean, you can always push it but i i just like if i were you given that you haven't like that there is this you know at least penciled in timeline certainly i would i would be in as much therapy as possible just so you can have the clarity you should be in therapy he should be in therapy and both of you should be in therapy. And I know that might take a lot of time and a lot of money, but that's a hell of a

lot smarter than pretending it's not a big deal and then getting married because you put down a deposit of something. Like figure out your shit now and do everything you can to figure it out. And then that might give you more clarity and more security, you know, whether to leave the relationship or stay in it. But you doing this on your own is, I don't think is a recipe for success. No, I agree with that. Cause I do feel like he did this action and then I'm the one that gets like the short end of the stick and I'm the one that's thinking of it every day. And I know that he's totally fine. And I hear you. The only time that he has to deal with it is when I,

when I get triggered or like, is he not, when I get back from work trip and I'm like, did you behave? Like, is there anything you need to tell me? But again, I mean,

that doesn't really help either. Cause I don't actually think that. Yeah. You got to think of therapy is, you know, again, in addition to the team with uh the infidelity you going to therapy couples therapy him going to therapy you're you all are going to be bettering

yourselves you're going to hopefully you know learn about some behaviors that you're doing or not doing you know what i'm saying or just you know like a lot of good can come from it so stop thinking it is well i wouldn't have to do this if he didn't cheat on me. Instead, think like, hey, it fucking sucks he cheated on me and I'm really, like, this broke me up. But you know what? Now we're in couples therapy and now I'm in therapy and he's in therapy and we're all going to be better for it. Like, our relationship's going to be better for it. I'm better for it and he's better for it. And yeah, I wish that you too didn't have to experience infidelity for you guys to be in therapy, but at least you are. And I think your relationship has a chance to potentially be better

for it with all the therapy you might be getting. Again, therapy is better served as a safety belt, you know, or a bicycle helmet, not reconstructive surgery. Now you guys are, you know, it's reconstructive surgery for you guys, but a lot of, and most people that's when they wait to till, but like many people, especially in your shoes, probably wish after they get into therapy and see the benefits from it. Think, man, I wish we would have done this before this happened. I wish we'd have just done this because like, either way, I feel closer to you. I feel more assured about myself.

I'm clear with my decisions, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So think of this as a blessing from a very negative situation rather than I have to go to therapy because this happened. This shitty situation has potentially created an opportunity for you guys to get the mental health help that we all can benefit from and potentially have you guys be closer as a result of it.

And so that's your motivation. And in the meantime, if you decide through therapy that like you can't get over it or you really don't deserve this or maybe you're not as close as you thought you can be, you will even get clarity through your decision to leave the relationship. But there are no downsides to you guys getting therapy.

What if in therapy, because in my mind, I feel like if I have a strong answer as to why this happened, what was going through his head, and I can justify it or make sense of it in my mind, regardless of how horrible it is or whatever, I feel like that would help me get over that a little bit more and process it. But if he really has, I don't know. I would just clap in the moment I was in a hotel room and I just- I don't think there's ever going to be a clear answer, but there might be ideas through therapy of reasons why he was triggered and then understand why he made certain decisions. I don't think it's going to be a black and white. It's just more of a, an understanding of, of why people make poor decisions in these types of moments that have not necessarily to do with like, because when it happens, you think, well, why didn't you love me enough? Why didn't you give a shit about me enough? Why didn't you consider me? And truthfully, he wasn't considering you at all. He was just reacting to a situation or a need.

And that need or that thought and feeling that he had overpowered that any feeling he had for loyalty to you. And maybe it's, you know, I don't know, maybe some past trauma he had or whatever. I don't know. But like therapy will help you understand all that or give you the clarity to want to move on. Because I just can't. I mean, I don't know how many times he's been tempted before, but I mean, in a relationship, there's some sort of temptation. And I sure have

been, but like no part of me has ever wanted to do something, been intrigued by something. Like, I really like felt like or feel like, you know know this was like my person he still could be he might not be but he still could be and it just it might be something you guys have to work through and this will be a new relationship you know what i'm saying if you choose to stay in this relationship you two will be starting a new relationship and that relationship that that you thought you had you, is kind of over. But this new relationship has a chance to be something different and something better that will have scars and will have pain and sadness, but you might have a chance to be closer and

better for it. I don't know, but it will require you guys doing the work and you just have to decide whether you want to do the work and whether you think that despite his mistake and infidelity, that deep down he does love you and he is willing to do this. And at the end of the day, what you want is someone who's willing to fight for you as much as you're willing to fight for them. And if you both have that, then a marriage has a chance because a marriage is a lifetime and you guys are going to go through some shit. So this could be a nice foundation, but you know, there's no wrong answer. Like certainly it'd be understanding if you wanted to leave, but it sounds like you don't want to leave yet. And so until you know, for sure, I would just do what

you can and like use the resources you have available to you and go get that therapy and stop feeling sorry for yourself that you have to be in therapy and just be grateful that you are because we can all benefit from it. And I truly believe that if every couple was in couples therapy, regardless of this infidelity or not, they would all be better for it. Okay. Okay. All right. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know.

Trust me when I say I know how much it sucks. I've been there. But there can be a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise. Yeah yeah I mean it's like the one thing I don't want to do but I mean it makes sense I know it's super I know go watch that Esther Perel tech talk about infidelity all right well I want to we want to eat an update in a couple weeks so where you're at you know this like we'd love to follow this journey if you'd be willing to because I think a a lot of people, you know, will relate to this. And I think, you know, you're making people feel less alone. And if you're willing to share

where you guys are at, you know, one way or the other, we'd love to get an update from you and, and, and, and be there for you. So keep us posted. All right. Good luck. It's going to be okay. Keep us posted. We'll be there for you. Okay. Thank you. You're not alone. I promise. All right. All right. Take care. So I was looking for something new to do this past weekend, but I was exhausted. My good friend was also exhausted and we wanted to just do a chill night at home on a Saturday night. And I said, why don't we find a meal kit? Why don't we do like a fun at home cooking thing that's laid out for us? I didn't want to like search for

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Good. What's your name? It's Lexi and I'm 22 years old and I am grieving the loss of a 17-year-old relationship and I do not know how to move on. 17-year-old relationship. Yeah. Okay. How old are you now? So I'm 22 and it sounds so weird saying it out loud because you're like, we met when we were six. So we've been best friends ever since.

So, we've been best friends ever since and we're just like always had chemistry, always saw ourselves like being married, our friends and family were always like, you guys are the ones, you guys are going to add up together. And it's compiled into like, you know, situationships weren't a thing up until like a year ago and I realized I've been in a situations ship for so long so he's never been your boyfriend he was just recently so we started dating in december and just broke up a little over a week ago okay how can i say this um you really need to you you need to stop with the whole 17 year to 17 years narrative yeah that's what i'm i've like accepted in the past few days is that like it's been such an attachment for the both of us that i need to like drop the whole it's been going on for 17 years yeah i mean because

like no one no one's like having a hard time moving on from someone because they were friends with someone in kindergarten you know what i'm saying yeah like your friendship at six seven eight nine ten years old has literally nothing to do with this relationship now you weren't adults you were two different people it's that's just an install like had you got married and had kids then yeah you could have that could have been part of your love story and that that's honestly what you're grieving over you're grieving over oh totally the well had we got together we would have had such a great love story and it's literally no different than me saying well if i would have found the love of my life on the bachelor

different than me saying well if i would have found the love of my life on the bachelor then we would have had such a cool story to tell our kids how we met on a tv show and they would get to watch our love story unfold and yada yada yada yada yada like who gives a shit yeah no and i totally agree with you it's like you guys have ever seen Ghost with Girlfriends past with Matthew? I haven't in a while. Yeah. It literally like felt like it was describing my life. It felt like I was watching my life parallel. And I was like, we need to just figure this out. You know, all of last year, I was okay with hooking up with him and he was okay with it. And then I started realizing I want more. I want to be in a relationship. So I told that to him. And we finally, he was like, I'm ready to commit. That was in December.

And we had a really great run this past two months. And then just recently, last week, he was like know, can't give you the same feelings that you're giving back. It's not matching your level. And he's been, you know, wildly depressed for the past, like, two years, I would say, like, very unhappy, not in a good environment, too. And so nothing was bad in the relationship, essentially, like, if you look at it from the outside but inside him he was like not ready to commit and it's like hard for me to accept that in a way of like oh i wish he did something bad so i can just move on it's not that he does something bad but like you can still look at him as someone who's not capable of giving you what you deserve. Right. So like if he cheated on you, you could say,

oh, well, like I don't want someone who cheated on me to be with me right now. You could say like, I, I, I don't want someone who isn't capable of being happy with themselves. I mean, if they can't be happy with themselves, then they can't be happy with me. And I don't want, I want a partner. I don't want, I don't want to be someone's caregiver. I want someone who can be there for me. Cause'm gonna be sad sometimes I'm gonna be down sometimes and I can't be the one who's constantly making sure that we are okay and he's okay who's making sure I'm okay yeah and that was a hard thing for me to fully grasp because he was always there for me like Like, like I said, growing up, you know, we both went through challenges and struggles and he was always the one there for me through all of

like my previous relationships. Um, he was always there for me. So it's like, now that I don't have him, we haven't talked. Um, and I'm going to keep it that way. It's hard to think that I'm like, oh, I don't really have him in my life anymore. And I've been in my life for the past 17 years. Stop saying 17 years. We just got to stop saying that. When did you guys start dating? Well, we literally started dating.

Boyfriend, girlfriend committed this past december okay and then prior to that like what how long were you like adult friends truly like hooking up or no i mean like adult friends were like genuinely genuinely an actual like if if he's your if he was your best friend was he ever really the person as a friend the person you would go to with all your problems about guys and shit like that like did that ever happen and if so how long was that going on for well like if we want to say legitimate adults then yeah like 18 if you want to be legal okay but like were you really best friends yeah. Like we would go to each other for everything. Okay.

All right. So if you want to like, and I don't even think you should do that, but if you want to start like reminiscing, say four years, five years. Sure. Which is still a long time, but like stop with the whole 17 year narrative. You really got to stop. Yeah, we're done with the 17. But it matters what we tell ourselves.

It really does. And the more you tell yourself this narrative, the more you're done with the 17. But it matters what we tell ourselves. It really does. And the more you tell yourself this narrative, the more you're going to believe it. And your subconscious mind will start thinking, you know, like there's a lot of like interesting literature out there about like our subconscious mind and like how we make a lot of our decisions through our subconscious mind and when you know when we have these thoughts in our head like our brain will just like tell ourselves like if we tell ourselves we're sad all the time you know it'll tell our like frontal lobe like well being sad is the state you kind of want to be in so we'll try to like reinforce that feeling that you're i'm butchering this whatever but like there's just no you're actually right on top of it. I study brains. Literally, that's my job. Well, there you go. Yeah, I work on helping people with any mental disorders or symptoms.

So you know, you don't need me telling you. So yeah, so like, you know, you're like learning this shit. So like apply the shit that you're learning to your own life. And so you can control your thoughts, like what we tell ourselves or what we're thinking about, like we can, it manifests. So instead of keep saying, well, I'm so sad about my 17 year relationship going to an end. I'm so sad about like losing my best friend. It's just like, Hey, I had a really great relationship with this great guy that I've known for a long time. And we were there for each other for a really long time. But now I have realized that I've outgrown this relationship.

I've realized that I want and deserve more in a relationship. And I'm excited about the possibility at my very young and youthful age at 22 to go out there and find something that I deserve. I'm super excited and proud of myself that I realized this at 22 and not 28. I am excited that I've had a really pretty generally positive dating history with men and I've learned a lot and I've learned about myself and now I'm excited to go out there. That can be your narrative. And the more you tell yourself that, the more you will believe it. Truly. And that doesn't mean that you won't have

you won't have days where you'll miss him and you will have days where you get sad you know and and in those moments you'll have to like decide if you are gonna like bask and and and sulk and and feeling sad or you're gonna say you know what i'm sad but i'm gonna stop and sometimes you can do that you can like you know what i'm gonna let myself be sad for 20 fucking minutes there's this really great show called um it's with harrison ford and jason seagal on apple tv uh literally just watch that what's it called what's it called therapy shrinking shrinking yeah but harrison's ford's character someone asked him like do you ever get sad he's like yeah like once a day i sit on the couch for 15 minutes i play some sad fucking music and i cry and i feel fucking sorry for myself and then i set a timer

and the timer goes off and i get back and live my fucking life and i think that's that's a great exercise like if you so you if you want to feel sad let yourself feel sad but please yourself and then get back to telling yourself all the other positive and more optimistic ways of looking at this current situation. Genuinely, can I agree with you more? I let myself cry it out for like three days. My family just went on a trip and I can't say I ruined it, but I was definitely a deputy downer. And I just let myself bawl my eyes out, let myself feel like, cause normally I just like to act like I'm happy and show everybody that I'm fine. And so I just cried it out for as long as

I could to the point where it's like, you're so dehydrated. It doesn't even matter anymore. And so, yeah, I mean, I've been really trying to do that. The hard part was, you know, I went on that trip and then I came back home and I was like, I'm doing my routine, everything I normally do in the day. And he's not part of it anymore. And like, he can't be part of it anymore. That was the hard pill to swallow. It's not so much. I'm like grieving the short time we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It's like, what's ahead that I have to grieve because he's no longer a part of my life. But you'll be fine and you'll find new friends and you'll find new people to

date. And that can be a little scary, but it's also can be exciting. So I think you just, how do you get through it? You just got to challenge yourself to keep changing your narrative, right? And see all the ways that you should be proud of yourself and feel good about this decision you made. Because this decision you made, it's not easy, right? Like it's tough what you did. And so you should be proud of that. And the fact that you chose to take, you know,

this risk of betting on yourself and choose yourself is going to pay off in the long run. It just will. It's just a fact, you know? Like I promise you, because you decided to set a boundary and you decided to enforce it and that will always serve you well. And so when you feel down, just choose to be proud of yourself and choose to pat yourself on the back and get back out there and give yourself some tough love and just stop with the

whole 17 years. You are not allowed to tell yourself you're getting over a 17-year relationship. You're not allowed to tell your friends you're getting over a 17-year relationship anymore. Yeah, that's already popped out of my head because I haven't even thought about doing that. I've always told my family and my friends, I'm like, I feel like I'm just bound by history. There's so much history.

Yeah, so I'm glad you said that because no one's ever like i'm not sad over people i'm not friends with from middle school you know what i'm saying like the fact you know it's just like yeah and and what you experienced back then has nothing to do with what you're doing now it's also like so disempowering because like 17 years it would take someone 17 years to fulfill to cash that check or to be better or and so like that's something where it's like there's truly you cannot control time there's literally no way that you can like make that for yourself so by changing kind of like the rubric instead of trying to like get the a again i think

you'll just like give yourself this opportunity in this mindset where like it's not going to feel futile and it's not going to feel like this thing is irreplaceable because it's like you can behave in a way where you're showing up for your future self and it's like how do I want six months down the line me to like what does she need what would she want me to do right now because I think sometimes it can just like when you're sad and like I'm when I'm depressed like it's just so hard to connect to a sense of like motivation and I think like if you can kind of just like get yourself going and know that you do have control and you do have power, hopefully that will make it feel less futile.

I met my first girlfriend at 18 and we dated off and on for seven years. Seven years. And so at the time we broke up, I was 25 and that was a third of my life essentially. And that felt like a really big deal. But now, I mean, she's an afterthought. You know what I'm saying? She's an afterthought in my life. And I wish her well but like you know what i'm saying and this is just you know a product of you know you being 22 and me being 42 but you know i'm just here to tell you that like you have a lot more friends to make you have a lot more loves probably to have in your life you'll have highs and lows that will be exciting and these will lead to great memories and great experiences of which you'll get to feel and you'll feel alive whether it's good or bad

but the fact that you are getting over this guy will be such like an afterthought someday and then you know right now that might make you sad but craving that i promise you like i don't i don't you know my first girlfriend i don't know who she is anymore i don't know anything about her you know yeah but she was she was my entire life for seven years i mean oh my like i she really messed me up you know what i'm saying like but like she that's yeah so like you just have to give it time and just change your narrative and i think you'll be a good yeah you're totally right i mean i i read your book thank you phenomenal by the way um i literally sent it to one of my friends and it totally got him into a new perspective but um yeah i was reading that

part and i was like holy shit like how did he get through that and i'm over over here, like, what was me? I'm, you know, this guy is my whole life, whatever. And it did help me take him off that pedestal that I've had him on for so long. Because like, that's all I had ever known. And like, you know, parts of me are still trying to be like, Oh, well, what if he comes back? Like, no, you got to remember where he is now. Do you even want him to come back right now? Because now is not the time. I need to learn how to be happy alone because of him, I've never truly been single. If I think about it, like all the relationships I've been in, when I had my single time, like he was that person for me. We were, yeah. That's great for you to realize so

this is a great opportunity and be excited about the challenge like and being excited about the challenge doesn't mean it's not going to come with again those sad moments or you're going to feel down but the overall excitement about what's ahead of you like you have so much in front of you i have to keep reminding myself that i'm like dude you're 22 like you need to shut up and also you're doing the thing yeah like getting over this is a nightmare it sucks it's going through a breakup is like the literal worst this is like unparalleled to anything you've experienced before this kind of breakup and so just by getting through it and coming out the other side like that is you building a skill and investing in yourself

by like muscling through no matter how like shitty and like exhausting it feels. Yeah. I think of it right now as growing pains because I really don't like being the woe is me person or like sitting around on the couch feeling sorry for myself because like I know it's just growing pains. So like you will be fine. You're on the right track. So it sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders. You're doing the work. Just follow through and just stop with the 17 years. I think that will go a long way. Truly.

Because I mean, every time you say it, it sounds so like, oh, how could I? It sounds so impossible. It sounds like the lowest moment in a rom-com before they all come back and get together. Like it's an old story that you're walking away from if you read the book you know your relationship doesn't care how you met remember that because you very much care how you guys met and you keep you want to be able to tell your future kids that you've known their father since you were six your kids don't give a shit like i that is like truly my parents like met in the woods or fucking some shit i don't fucking know like whatever yeah no you're you literally just called me out like that was uh a thought of

mine here's the thing you're you're you're a beautiful person you're 22 you are too young to be this much consumed by your romantic life i was that that way too, but I say that with love. You have a lot going for you. Invest in yourself. Make the next six to 12 months about you and all the things that you need, whether it's hobbies or friends or your career. Truly focus on your independence because clearly you haven't had much of that at all. And you are way too wrapped up into your romantic life that I don't think you've prioritized yourself much at all. And so that should be your motivation. And it should kind of almost annoy you a little bit

that you have kind of set your own personal and immediate needs or your own personal goals aside for your love life and other people. That will come. Trust me. And the more you prioritize your individual self, the more attractive you will be to others. You're literally like hitting the nail on the head. I literally woke up two days ago, pissed because I was like, I had all these opportunities in front of me and this guy was the reason why I stayed because, you know, I always had hope.

So when you said annoy, oh my God, you're so right. So yeah, I mean, I've already started getting involved in like an academy. So hopefully I could, you know, travel more, meet new people, stuff like that. I just got into that like two days ago because I was just pissed that I was like holding myself back. You'll have your highs and lows, but now you like you have the tools to get yourself out of the funk a little bit faster

and just keep doing what you're doing. All right. I will. Thank you guys so much. Keep us posted. Yeah. We want an update on your progress. I will. I will. Thank you guys. All right. Take care. You too. Bye-bye. Keep us posted. Yeah. We want an update on your progress. I will.

I will. Thank you guys. All right. Take care. You too. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. I'm curious.

Do you think it would be helpful or triggering for people to comment things that they used to be like relationships or like meet-cutes or like little details that were so poetic to them at the time, but now they don't give a shit about? Is that dangerous to ask people to do? Well, if they're hopefully over it. Okay. If they're like now they don't give a shit about like is that dangerous to ask people to do well if they're hopefully over it okay they're still going through it if you're still like sad over the loss of a partner and you and and you think about these things right now i mean if you want to share great but that's probably not a productive exercise but i think for the people if you're suggesting like hearing other people's

like things they used to pine over and things they used to ruminate over that they now look back and kind of laugh at or kind of chuckle at or just like or just generally feel indifferent about knowing that it was an idea that really held them back you know these yeah these things we pine over that truly like get us in a funk or make us go down these rabbit holes or just get us stuck and so attached yeah and it's yeah i would love to know i would love to hear from everyone and what what's something about a relationship you were getting over that made you constantly feel stuck that you romanticized over that you fantasized over that you no longer feel that way would love to hear especially in the youtube

comments i'll go first i it's super quick i just i met my first boyfriend sophomore year of college and my mom and dad met like her sophomore year in the dorms this summer and so i was like oh like i met my and like my mom married her like first my mom and dad they were each other's like first love and everything so i was like i met them at the same exact time and now i don't give a shit yeah but i did give a shit my first girlfriend we met very serendipitously uh uh at summerfest on a on a bus and if you want to know the rest of the story buy the book don't text your ex happy birthday um but yeah no i mean that that i've oh my god i wouldn't shut up about it and especially when we broke up it would be like oh but, like if fate didn't want us to be together, then why did fate have us meet this way?

Like, why are we on the bus? Like, why are we on the bus? So tell us your bus moment. How's it going? Hi, my name is Sarah. I'm 24 and my boyfriend of a year keeps changing his mind on sex for religious reasons. Okay. So my guess is he comes from a religious family and he's all horned up, but he feels a lot

of shame and guilt around the sex. Yeah, in a way. So when I met him, he was kind of upfront. Like I remember one of our first conversations, he was like, I'm a good Christian boy, like nonchalantly. But even prior to dating, sex was kind of like part of our relationship. Wait, you were having sex before you guys started dating? Yes. Okay. Yes. Yeah. And so then we started dating January of 2022. And then July of that year, he came up to me and was like, I've had a revelation. And I really feel like I want us to be abstinent until marriage. We went a good five months of being abstinent. I kind of don't necessarily agree with it, but I value our relationship and him.

So I was like, you know, that's something I'm willing to do for you. But we've had a couple slip ups recently. Top of this year, we did it a couple times and then he'll always backtrack and go back to saying he really wants to. And it's just very inconsistent. Yeah. to saying he really wants to and it's just very inconsistent yeah all right just out of curiosity because i know i know some people uh in similar situations and i've heard some like wild stories of the things they do in lieu of the sex and it's just like what are you guys doing like

you can just say it's anal no no it's like but, it's like, uh, it's like fucking the butt cheeks. Like a hot dog in a bun? You're a hot dog again. Have you hot dogged it? No, it's full on. Full on. Like it's absolutely, yeah, there is no like weirdness going on. It's literally like.

What are the chances we could bring him on? Not necessarily. chances we could i don't know bring him on not necessarily i mean i don't know if he's available now i could i could ask him but i don't know if he would be willing only because like his mind is made up at this point to the point where now he's even trying to like take away sleepovers his mind he's got a busy job and no it's not and i've tried to express to him, you know, I don't really think that I agree with you in that way. I don't feel the same when it comes to religion at this point. I grew up super Christian, but I kind of verged away.

Yeah. So I guess there's a question for you. What is your, regardless of the sex, what is your kind of relationship as it relates to religion? Are you on the same page there? And you're just boyfriend. This is not your fiance. This is your kind of uh relationship as it relates to religion are you on the same page there and you're just boyfriend this is not your fiance this is your boyfriend just my boyfriend i do have a daughter from an existing marriage so like marriage has been on the table kind of as far as talks that is something i kind of brought up to him like hey you keep saying and everything

will come back when we get married when where when's that happening what's the timeline i was like because i feel like i'm making a lot of compromises here are you sure and is he someone you want to get married to absolutely in every other aspect of our relationship that's not a non-issue it's literally just spirituality is something that we don't really see eye to eye on that is kind of a big deal when it comes to things like marriage and raising kids so i know like everything but but that but it's kind of a big but big juicy ass minus the sex when you guys talk about faith if you talk about marriage like what are your expectations and how you want to raise your kids you have a daughter so how are you raising her does he have opinions about that you know things like that like how how how are you guys working

through your disconnect with faith and how faithful and devout is he or is this like he's not all that faithful and devout but for whatever reason the devil's inside him when it comes to sex or something like um he he's very much at least within the last uh few months of 2023 he's gotten a lot more involved with church like he he serves at youth and helps lead that. He does Sunday service playing the keyboard. And as far as him, kind of like his expectations as far as faith within our relationship have definitely done a 180 in comparison to our initial meeting and like getting into a relationship. He wants us to have like Christ-centered, maybe even have me be involved in church do you want

to be i love the people there and i go at in support and trying to like dabble around to see if that's something i'm interested in revisiting but as far as like wanting to be involved i don't really have any type of have you communicated that with him? Yes, I have. And he's just kind of has the hopes that I'll change my mind. Okay. Well, I think you should say, well, let's assume there is no hope for me to embrace this the way you want. Do you still want to be with me? I think you need to have an honest conversation about that and set the expectation that it's not going to change. And if it does, it's like a major surprise. Like, but you don't, as of now, you don't see it. It's, you don't connect with it. And I don't, you know, you should say like, I don't think it's smart for you to bet on me getting involved because it's almost certainly not going to happen. And if that's what you want for your wife, then I don't know if I'm your person. Yeah, absolutely. Which is something obviously I'm like scared to have be a realization out of that conversation. You need to make sure he accepts you for who you are, but you know, maybe he's like, listen, it's really important to me. I love what I get out of church. I will always, I will always welcome

you to join me. I would love for you to be a part of it, but if you don't get the I get out of church. I will always welcome you to join me. I would love for you to be a part of it. But if you don't get the same thing out of it that I do, then that doesn't change how I feel about you. I love you. And I'm never going to force it because you can't force religion on someone. You can just only show them and make them feel welcome

and invite them to join. And if they want to join, great. So he could say that too. I don't know. But what you don't want to do is not have the conversation and have him like, quote unquote, hope, but slash expect you to follow suit and be involved and then get engaged and married to this guy

and have your whole relationship being passive aggressive remarks and make you feel shamed and judged for not connecting with Jesus the same way he does. And that's not a recipe for success. So like you two just need to get on the same page, you know, whatever that page is. There's definitely a middle ground. Just depends on if he's willing to do that. Does he respect and love you enough to respect your beliefs and choices and support you on however you want to be supported. And again, keep that, you know, keep the door open if you want to join because maybe you do, maybe you're just like, listen, I don't really connect, but I like the people. I like the community. I don't feel pressure people. And like when it comes to religion,

religion, more than anything, it's the pressure pressure people apply it's the judgment and shame that people like bring into it it's just like i'd show up to your church if you guys didn't make me feel like i was gonna burn in hell every time i stepped inside like you seem cool i'll sing your fucking songs like whatevs man but like i walk in you guys just look at me like i'm some like dirty whore you know because i have a kid from a different wedding. Like, fuck you guys. I don't want to join your shitty church, you know? So like, right?

Yes. No, no. I mean, quite literally. Yeah. And I definitely have dabbled around with like saying that, but it's just, yeah, it's basically for me, the fear of that. He's not going to meet me in the middle. If he's not going to meet better, you know, now than, than later.

And I think the more, I think the more you come to this conversation with a sense of kind of confidence and purpose in what you want, because right now it sounds like the energy between the, you two is he knows that he doesn't want to have sex with you. He knows that he wants a stronger relationship with Jesus and God, and you're just like kind of whatevs, right? And so, because he knows what he wants, you're both acting like he has more, you know, right to that life than you do. But I think you should come to the table with, I know what you want as well. What you want is a supportive partner who will support you in whatever your

beliefs are. You want the runway and the grace to dabble at your comfort level to try out church and religion without feeling judged. I don't want to be in a relationship where I ever feel judged by the person I love. That's my expectation. And you bring that energy to the table. It's like, great. You don't want to have sex. Fine. I don't want to feel judged. I don't want to feel shamed for not connecting the same way you're connecting. I don't want to feel less than because I don't believe what you believe. And I expect not to feel that way in a relationship that I'm in. believe and i expect not to feel that way in a relationship that i'm in and i think the more you confidence you bring to what you want the more you'll you'll get more clarity i think most people find confidence attractive and if trust me if you come to the table very believable in what you want

there's a good chance he'll be like well i mean i know this is a guy who says he doesn't want to have sex and keeps having sex with you so like like, this is not Mr. Like, you know, devout. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Also support him, you know, give him the same support you want from him. I love that you love your relationship with God. I love, I find it so attractive that you're involved in the church. I think it's sexy that you're so committed to being a good and better person. I think it's sexy that you're so committed to being a good and better person. I think that's super hot, but it's not for me. And I want us to find our things that we can share, but right now it's not religion. And I don't think you should expect me to ever get to the same level that you're at. And if I do great, but like, I want to find

something that we can have for us. That's not this this and i don't want to feel judged by you or judged by your community or judged by your your friends and family and if you don't want to have sex right now that's fine i can respect that it's too bad you're like giving up on this because i'm like in my prime right now but like whatevs your loss but to your point if you're saving yourself for marriage buddy when's that happening because other than that like like, I'm just like, I want to fuck, you know? Yeah, exactly. And he told me it was like two years of dating. He felt was like max.

He's like, I should know. But by two years, I think whether or not I want to get married. Timelines are so fucking stupid because people have no like. I know. It's not about the timeline. And that overwhelmed me too. Cause I was like, well,

cause that would mean within this year we would be getting engaged, which obviously I'm open to, but I don't want it to be with the expectation that within the year I need to have my faith solidified and like that type of thing. Like it's, I was married previously as well. So I already am apprehensive when it comes to getting married again, because I don't want there to be a third time. I want the second time to prevent that you need to get, you need to get better at asking him questions and having the conversations you

seem to be avoiding. Yeah, for you know like two years he sets these arbitrary deadlines people do this all the time but what are you doing in those two years to give you guys the answers that you want is it therapy is it regular conversations is it is it intentional uh like moments that you guys are trying to connect is it getting on the same page and having some awkward and tough conversations about the things that you're not on the same page about? Like, it sounds like none of that's going on. He's just like two years. I'm just going to wait two years. And magically in two years, I'll have an answer as if like time is the only prerequisite to getting to know someone. No, in that time, you have to like talk and work through things and ask questions and set expectations,

even at the risk and fear of not hearing what you want. And you can either at that point when you don't hear what you want, decide if this is what's working for you or figure out how you guys can meet in the middle and have compromise and make sure there's mutual respect. Because you're right, like you've already been married.

You don't like, why waste your time anymore? That should give you the motivation of you know getting these questions answered couples therapy highly recommend you know we're in it we've been in couples therapy actually since last summer yeah someone with the church or someone independent of the church that's the thing i was seeing her individually um i have had a lot of crazy stuff happen to me over the last two years. And so when we started hitting some like grit and like rough patches, I was like, hey, let's do it together. And he did. So we've been doing it for going on like nine to 10 months now.

Right. But with these resurfacing issues, she has since kind of had bias, I guess. Like, she started out as mine. And then now that we're talking about religion, that's apparently her belief system is Christianity. So now it's kind of I feel like my side is being clouded. You have a hardcore Christian therapist? Apparently, which I didn't know that from the jump but now that we're talking about like all of this she's honestly the one that recommended the timeline

to him so yeah i don't know if i'm in a position to tell you you need a new therapist but it seems like a therapist should inject their own religious beliefs into the therapy or like you should be able to kind of name in the session like Like sometimes it kind of feels like two against one, like because you two have alignment in this area, it feels like my position is less valid. And like, I want to talk through this. I want to get to a place of like harmony and mutual understanding, but it's hard to do that sometimes when I feel like I'm defending myself just because of like the numbers. I'm shocked that your therapist set a timeline. Yeah, she's actually, I mean, I know that you grew up, uh, was it Catholic? So you kind of

maybe know that it's very short time dating in a Christian like relationships, like almost every person that I went to, uh, like church with when i was in high school they're already married to somebody that they knew less than a year that's just kind of like sure you know it leads to less like temptation and sin sure yeah but you're not a part of that religion you don't subscribe to it it's not for you and like so it doesn't really apply to you listen if people are involved in a church a lot of people will see like their priest or their pastor as like a family therapist and that's great if you're both aligned but like you're not like that's not you're not exactly i would have went there if i wanted that you know what you need as a therapist to help you work through like your issues and and you wanted

to feel like a judgment-free zone because like I had a therapist once that was recommended by a Catholic church and it just felt like I had to like edit the things I was saying, which is really not the point of therapy. Exactly. And like she would just have like very much like facial reactions to like anything regarding sex or hookups or whatever. And I was like, well, this isn't going well. Can I just talk about my gangbang without being judged? Nick! her and i was like well this isn't going well she's like can i just talk about my gangbang without being judged no but seriously like all jokes aside it should be like ali's point it's a judgment free zone and like when you start like complicating it with like you know your therapist like also being like your moral compass that's not your therapist's job yeah and it's really unfortunate because i've got a lot of longevity with her too and so i'm like oh now i'd have to start over retell myself i don't know like

i have you can people have like breakthrough sessions i mean the first therapy was someone they really connect with like it's this is not your partner it's a fucking therapist it's also can sometimes be a benefit too like it feels like a lot of like legwork and you're like great i have to like you were saying i have to retell everything but sometimes like the retelling to someone new like even helps you get a different perspective on it 100 percent yeah it's like you graduate do you ever like meet a stranger you just open up to once in a while and like feels better just to like get it out nick on a flight i am that stranger the other thing is like when it comes to you know especially if like therapy is maybe unsure of how productive it is at the moment like it could be worth talking to him about like

for religion like some of the values he has and find ways that that is like present in things that are not religious spaces because like for me like my faith is really important to me but i'm like fully agnostic i've dated atheist people in the past like and it's it's not a conflict because it's like if maybe service, for example, is something where like he really values that, like there are ways for you guys to both participate in service together in a non like kind of religiosity setting. And so I think that could also be a way of like, because it sounds like you really do value him.

You love him for the person that he is. And you know that you might have some differences in the way you want to practice something but like that there is still so much overlap and so maybe finding ways to like accentuate that overlap for both of you would help you feel connected yeah yeah like he had mentioned wanting to do mission work and i was like i've always wanted to do habitat for humanity i was like there's a way that i could service in that way without me wanting to go to like preach the gospel. Like I would love to go and help children or help build houses. I think that's great.

You got, you have to find your middle ground and I think you really need to, you know, he's coming to the table with, you know, Hey, I don't want to have sex. And he has his very clear expectations.

And I think you are, your expectations are being overlooked and not being recognized and given the same attention that his are partly because he's choosing to speak up and you're not. But you need to find that confidence to state your expectations and expect them to be met by him. And if not, this is maybe not the relationship for you. You should feel safe. Yeah.

You should feel like you have clarity. You should feel respected. You shouldn You should feel like you have clarity. You should feel respected. You shouldn't feel judged in a relationship. And if you feel any of those things, you need to work through them or you need to move on. I'll definitely have to have a conversation when I see him next. The you need to change for me to accept you is not a relationship you want to be in. Yeah, for sure sure and he may be a swell guy and he might be a great guy but he might not be your guy yeah i mean i keep finding myself thinking that he just needs this like cute little christian girl that'll go and do all that stuff maybe but like that

sounds like such a fucking bore to me but anyway anyway, that's, you know, everyone else's journey. But like, just be confident that you have the right to expect all the things that you want in your relationship. And you have the right to speak up and have them meet those expectations and be heard. And it's not simply your job to meet his needs and fulfill like what he wants and, and, and try to make sure that his hopes are fulfilled. That is not something you deserve. I don't think we have the answer yet, but I think you got, it starts with you bringing your expectations to the table with confidence and the expectation that he helps,

that he starts working with you to meet those expectations. The habit, habitat for humanity is a great example of i would love to do something with you and give back to the community but i'd like to align on values and i'd like it to be separate from the church because i just want i need for us to have things that aren't just aligned with the church i am i am willing to be a part of your church and i'm willing to do things for you as long as I don't feel judged and as long as I'm not pushed, but I don't want to feel like I am

wrong for having boundaries with your church and your beliefs. And if you can do that, then great. And if you can't, then I think we have some non-negotiables working out on here. This is definitely a potential non-negotiable that you're kind of treating like a pet peeve. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you might be able to work through it. You're not wrong. You just have to have the conversations

and you're both just kind of hoping things work themselves out and you're hoping that time is all that needs to happen and that's just, it's not going to happen. And procrastinating makes you feel like shit like it's stressful like it's like you might have the illusion of harmony right now because you're not fighting but it's not harmony like this is something you're sitting with that is like you're suffering because you are trying to work through this and so you will feel such

a relief and i know that i just know that it's so scary sometimes to like confront that kind of conflict head-on but like hopefully just like knowing that you will feel relief on the other side can help you get through like the tricky bit and as always when you have these types of conversations with them lead with the compliments and the law of hey i i'm i think that i'm i find this great about you i'm proud of you i think it's super attracted that you do this but you know it's also not for me and i hope that you can accept that and if he gives you the but if you loved me you would do this for me no no no no no no no no yeah exactly well good luck uh keep us updated um but you deserve all the things that you want in a relationship too thank you you. Take care.

Cool. Alright, bye-bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget Katie Maloney tomorrow for our freestyle episode. We also have Phoebe Robinson on Thursday's Going Deeper episode to really get into the weeds of the entire season of Love is Blind 4. If you want even greater detail,

check all the amazing content in Vile Files Plus, now available to get a seven-day free trial. It's rated fresh, if you haven't heard. See you tomorrow.