The Viall Files - E566 Ask Nick - My BFF Flirts With My Husband

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we talk about read receipts with romantic partners, and read an email from a listener who is harboring resentment toward her mom’s friend, who tried to set her up with a nurse while her mother was passing away. We then get our latest Breakup Song of the Week submission.  Our first caller has a best friend that is constantly flirting with her husband, both in front of her and when she’s not around. We discuss how she can put an end to the physical advances and commentary surrounding looks and attraction. Our second caller is wondering if she should forgive her father figure who lied to her family, split up with her mom, and is quickly dating someone new. After losing her biological father and step father earlier in life, she’s wondering if it’s worth keeping him in her life albeit under different circumstances. Our final caller split from her boyfriend but is still best friends with his sister. However, she’s been uninvited from birthday parties and family events because of the break up. How does she remain close with her friend if they won’t allow her in the same room as her ex?  “You can have a relationship with someone you’re angry with.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://www.viallfiles.supportingcast.com  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Betterhelp - This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/VIALL and get on your way to being your best self. Caraway - Visit https://www.Carawayhome.com/VIALL to take advantage of this limited-time offer for 10% off your next purchase.  Care/Of - For 50% off your first Care/of order, go to https://www.TakeCareOf.com and enter code viall50. Zocdoc - Go to https://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm nick joined by the household of derrick alley and amanda what's, joined by the household of Derek, Allie, and Amanda. What's going on, everybody? The household has really stuck. Like, people address their emails. They're like, hey, Nick and the household. And we found it organically and we got there. And that's beautiful.

No, I really like the household. The household is good vibes, good energy. Great. Love that for us. We're all thriving. Yeah, we need a little chime or something, you know? Like a doorbell. Oh, for the household.

Welcome, Matt. Ding dong. Yeah. The witch is dead. Let's get into it. What do we got to discuss? So I wanted to talk about red receipts on text messages. Because I am intrigued by just around the room, do you have them always on, never on, on for certain people?

I have them on for one person, two people. I don't think I turn them on for anyone. Okay, so consistently off? I think Nellie and I have it on. Mine are consistently off. No, don't have them on for anybody? No. Okay.

My boy has them on, but I don't have them on. And I like that power dynamic. Oh my God, the power of being like. The boy has them on for anybody? No. Okay. My boy has them on, but I don't have them on, and I like that power dynamic. Oh, my God, the power of being like... The boy has them on, but you don't. Yeah. And you like that power dynamic? That was just a joke. I'm sure he has them on for everybody.

I think there's a common misconception when it comes to red receipts, and I think that is that not having them on, people think that gives them more power. But I think having them on gives you the opportunity to have more power. Because no one likes to be left on red. Totally.

And if you have your red receipts off, then they don't really know. Maybe you're busy. Maybe you haven't got to it. But if you have them on and you read it and you don't reply right away, immediately, they feel less than. You've read it and you've said to them, this isn't important enough for me to respond immediately, even psychologically. So the person who has the right receipts on, in fact, has the opportunity to have more power.

I don't feel like he'll read them until he'll respond though. He would never, I don't think he would read it and then, you know what I mean? Not until now, he's smitten by you, Allie. But I'm just saying, that's why I said opportunity. Okay, great. He has the opportunity to invoke that power at

any moment and given that you have stated i don't think he would ever do that means the first time he does you're gonna be like what the fuck and that's power yeah one time i like i it was way back when like the first year of working i don't think we were talking i don't know if we were talking about our dating lives on the show but like i was just dating the worst man he's such a bad man he was the one who texted me about lube after the fact and when he first i don't remember i do i do i was like no it's it's okay we're gonna be friends and now like with some distance and like that's you with every x that's you with every x not next what was he's just just a string of shit i was dragging along for a while sorry he was not a good person so i feel vindicated but anyway he when he was trying

to like he was trying to be like what went wrong after like like telling me that he met a girl that he thinks he's gonna fall in love with and like still expecting to hook up and then he like sent like follow-up texts and i turned on my red receipts after having never had them on for the entire relationship just so that way like they would display so i do think there's some time you read and yeah and didn't respond to the message absolutely so i think it's very fun in that petty regard but like i think there's also in i feel like we're taking the power approach. How do we feel about like the accountability element of this? Like in what way? Do you think if you have your red receipts on like it holds you more accountable in terms of.

Well, I hate the word, so to speak, because I think we've created a culture that unnecessarily demands immediate responses because everyone's on their phone and it's not too hard to text type of thing. But like, especially in dating, because I hear the whole like, I don't get why there's such bad texters. And I've kind of mentioned this in the past on previous shows, but when I've, I've often wondered like what that means like what do you mean by bad texter and i i've come to the conclusion at least in some cases in an early dating situation the more excited person let's just say has the opportunity or the more excited person wants to like they want to talk more they want to get in these conversations and they want to be like, you know, let's just text throughout the day. And I want them to ask me questions about like,

I want to play this or that or 20 questions. I just want to talk, you know? And so they try to have dates via text in between dates. That's an amazing point. And I think we need to stop doing that. And we need to let people live their lives and go to work and hang out with their friends and not demand that people be so accessible 24-7. Because we do that subconsciously. We'd expect people to respond immediately. all we're terrible we're always on our phones especially in our cars you know so like someone might read your message while driving and have at least the responsibility to say well i shouldn't have read that message but at least i'm going to do is wait till i finish my journey before i reply so maybe there's that you know or maybe they are in the middle of work and they shouldn't be on

their phone reading your message but they do do. And maybe they, maybe your question or response takes some consideration. And we just subconsciously demand people respond to us immediately. Totally. And I think it's fucked up. And it feels like, I think sometimes it feels like a form of rejection when they don't. And I feel like people probably get in certain situations, get rejection burnout where,

because they view it as a rejection if someone takes a little while to respond to text or like i've definitely been in a headspace where it's like why the fuck aren't you texting me back you know and then and then they text me back and i get the like dopamine rush and it's okay but because my ego was like you're worried make them mad but see that's what we're ready like who do they think they are because then you're like there's no way there's no reason to panic when you don't hear back. You're like, they haven't even read it yet. It's genius.

Well, that's one side of the coin. I'm just saying, that's, I think, why I'm like, oh, he hasn't read it yet. All good. He'll get to it when he has a chance. Well, it's only good now because he's smitten. And so he does reply immediately when he does read your messages. But he doesn't reply immediately. it's not about the response time i think it's helpful to be like replies immediately once he's read it yes but i don't think he'll read it until he knows he has time to respond to it

correct yes no we're on the same page i'm saying that's only working out now because right now he's doing this. But someday he's going to get a message from you. He's going to check it and be like, I'll get to this later. I don't feel like I'm going to overreact to that. I don't know how you're going to react, but I think you will have a feeling. I would overreact. I would certainly overreact.

No, I feel like I'm in a very good... I obviously want to respect your privacy, but it feels like this is exciting. And there's a lot of good news in this situation, just in terms of like how you're feeling about stuff. Do you want to share that? Do any little like victory laps? I don't think she wants to.

Okay. I actually respect that. Yeah. I just wanted to create space to celebrate. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. Am I not the creating the space? celebrate. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. Am I not creating the space? Don't be happy.

It doesn't have to be. Derek, before, because I do, there's a crazy email that I really want to get to. But Derek, what is your take on red receipts? I don't use them except for one friend. And I try not to leave them on red. And I use the mark as unread feature. So if I'm genuinely busy, I mark it as unread. But I also like...

Even after you read it? Yeah. Wait, does that then... Can you do that? What? Remove the red receipt? I'm not sure, but in confidence, I believe so. This feels like a lot of effort for this friend.

You couldn't just turn off the red receipts? Yeah, what's the deal with this friend? He wanted red receipts and we just never unchanged it, you know? I have one friend who I have red receipts with. And it's because I can't lie to her. I can't tell white lies anything nothing of the sorts like i just we have a very like and it's no shade to my other like best friends but like it is just like a relationship where there is like it's like i for me it is accountability because i like fucking love her and i get overwhelmed and i get frustrated with myself for not like investing i suppose that's why why Nellie and I have it on accountability, I suppose.

With you, it's probably her just wanting to make sure you actually read it. Because you're not always going to respond. And I often don't read messages. Exactly. Yeah. I'm curious what people have to say in the YouTube comments. Yes. Tell us your takes on red receipts.

And also, I could totally see it as being kind of like one of these milestones in relationships that's not an official milestone, but is totally like in modern culture, like kind of indicative

of where you're at. Of turning on red receipts. Exclusively. Define the relationship. Turn on red receipts. Like when did you and Natalie... Do you just do it? I think Natalie just did it.

Natalie has red receipts on for everybody, I'm realizing. It's a power move by her. She has it on for everybody. Yeah. It's a confident. I think it's a really it's like it's a very confident thing.

I have nothing to hide. You can know when I read messages. I will get to your messages when I can. Speaking of someone who's waiting to get to a message, someone emailed in with first bit is like very sad, which is that this person lost their mom. She passed away six months ago. And for the last five days in the hospital, it was very clear what was about to happen. And so a lot of people, she was spending all of her time at her mom's bedside. A lot of people were cycling in to visit her. One of her mom's friends who this person said they've never really liked super well i guess was making a lot of comments about the daughter like and one of the male nurses being like oh he's cute like basically trying to play

matchmaker for this girl at her mother's deathbed okay and it really bothered the person who wrote in and she was like it like i it felt very disrespectful and like I was in a weird headspace because of this. And so I honestly I have some resentment towards this friend because like one of the my mother's like final days like I was you know, this was a consideration when it never should have been. And this friend of the mother's has recently reached out with a letter like checking in on her and so this this person doesn't know how to respond because they're like upset i understand but i don't want to use the word overreacting but i think when you were telling me this story i thought to myself it might have been fun for mom because like just to see her daughter have this really beautiful meet cute at the hospital in the last few days of her life and what a like that's the beginning of a rom-com so to speak and i get it not the right place the right time or but everyone handles death differently you know it can be awkward and and and you know maybe this friend of mom you friend of mom didn't take mom's death as hard as daughter, which is to be expected.

So in a way, daughter is feeling like everyone needs to be as sad as she is. I know she probably, I'm sure if she she was here would recognize that she's not actually saying that but what's really the big deal maybe it was a way for her to try to make a light of a situation and you know i don't know how pushy she was or uncomfortable but just these situations like just from what i know i i think i think she she might be a little sensitive, rightfully so, and unnecessarily harsh because, as she's admitted, it wasn't her favorite person to begin with. I'm sure that loss of her mother has caused a lot of pain and anger and sadness, and she might be channeling that anger this way and and maybe project projecting it in an unfair way um because i think the bigger and more important thing is this friend is probably thoughtful letter to reach out and check in on her and make sure she's okay and and this person wrote um the

friend obviously wants to continue to have a relationship with me but i don't know how to get over this this referring to i think know how to get over this. This referring to. I think you need to get over it. Yeah, I wasn't there. And maybe there's some context I'm missing. But. Yeah.

What? Like, literally, though, what what if you took her up on this offer? What if what if you let her play matchmaker and you went on this date and you met the doctor nurse? It was a male nurse. And I think it was like she was the woman was really really, the friend was really trying to like make it happen. Like was kind of like instigating it. And I'm assuming she wasn't interested. Yeah.

Yeah. I think the implication is that she's very much not focused on it. Oh, yeah. I don't care about what she's focused on. I want to know if all things being equal, did she think that guy was hot? My guess is she didn't. My guess is she wasn't as interested in the nurse as the mom's friend thought she should be. And we talked about recently about how offended one can be when someone tries to set you up with someone you're not interested in.

I would push back on that because even if it was her exact type type of guy that's not where your head's gonna be and even if it was like a freaking model you'd be like shut up barbara i'm not saying that's where her head should be i'm just saying i don't think a crime was committed i just think she's very sensitive right now but let's say in this rom-com movie she's offended and now like she goes to the grocery store and she runs into this very same nurse and they end up hitting it off and having a date like it would turn into an amazing memory it would turn into like remember that one time i was super mad at you but then it ended up being like my husband you know and he's the most amazing thing and now i have this kind of beautiful memory,

this lasting memory of my mom that like I met my husband, like is as terrible as my mom's death was like it brought me to the greatest love of my life. I mean, I don't think it's going to happen there, but just because it doesn't play out that way, it could have played out that way. And it's kind of my point. All that really happened here was that someone didn't handle death in the manner that you did. And we all know that death is incredibly difficult and awkward and people handle difficult and awkward situations with humor sometimes, with kind of disconnecting from reality. You know, so I would not be so harsh on judging your mom's friend for how she chose to handle your mom's death. And I would challenge her to not take it as personal because clearly she wasn't trying to be disrespectful because she clearly cares about you. She's followed up with a letter. It just wasn't received in the way she meant it to be received. And you didn't take it the way she hoped.

wasn't received in the way she meant it to be received and you didn't take it the way she hoped that's just like chalk that up to like not being on the same page i don't know if we really need to like i don't even think you need to hash it out yeah i think if you healed a little bit you might recognize that nothing no crime was committed here and at the end of the day this was this all came this all came from a place of love. Totally. And also, I think one thing I learned with my grandmother, because my grandfather passed away when I was much younger, is like my grandmother loves to talk about him. Like, I think sometimes when people pass away, we have this tendency to be like, I don't want to remind them of grief and loss. And there's totally you know, that's totally a case by case basis in reading the room. But like, I think it can be so special to have people who can keep their memory alive and who can talk to you about

stuff and who can truly empathize with like the very specific things you're missing and I think another reason why it might be nice to continue a relationship with this friend of your mom's even though you might be frustrated with how she handled this is like knowing that she knew your mom really well and that like it might afford you some time to like really get to like reminisce and celebrate like your new stories yeah learn more about her but i'm so sorry for your loss yeah i feel like i nailed this but i'm betting a lot of people disagree with me i i would love to hear people's perspective i'm confident in my take but please share your take and like why like feel free to leave a paragraph. I do

read them. Now we have a breakup song of the week. And I thought that this was a really nice one because the person who sent this in has been married for two years with their husband for 11, but they kind of dedicated this to all the vile files listeners and the people who call in because this person said they relate so much to all of the things that everyone's encountering. Sometimes they get very tangible pieces of advice that they can apply to their marriage and to all the single people like, you know, they did their time in that headspace and have a lot of empathy. And so this is kind of like a dedication to the callers. They said this song makes them think of the callers, which I thought was really sweet. This song is called What Did You Mean by Love by Wolfpack. And the lyrics they highlighted are love. What did you mean by love?

Is that a word you meant to whisper with kisses down her neck? Love. And what did you mean by that? And what exactly did you expect would happen? She'd pat you on the back, stand up and start slow clapping. Love. What did you mean by love? You must have meant like you strongly. Yeah. Unless you meant just your body, just enough to stay, but not enough to fall. Instead of giving up. What did you mean by love?

Great. All right. Breakup song of the week. Breakup song of the week. Please send them in if you have one. This episode is brought to you by Better Help Therapy, people. I don't know if you're not doing it. You're missing out. I'm telling you, it's solving a lot of problems for a lot of people, including myself. And if you haven't done it, I just don't know what you're waiting for. Invest

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For anyone who hasn't tried it, I don't know what you're waiting for. You have seven day free trial people love it people have taken that seven day free trial and said i want more and if you haven't signed up yet i don't know what you're waiting for don't forget we do have another episode of better than never live on thursday 9 p.m eastern it's the greatest friend group in the world for all the people out there who are lonely and just want to create a community of daters and make friends. People are making friends in there. We're talking sex, dating, relationships.

It is a ton of fun. Be sure to check that out as well. Anything else I'm missing? Just that. In addition to the amazing content we are already creating we might be doing a new segment this is amanda's pitch amanda loves people hello sharks um this segment would be called sweating the wedding and it is akin to texting office hours people can write in with something wedding related that they're sweating about so it could be they don't know what plus one to bring.

It could be you're a bride who doesn't know who to pick. So is this exclusive to the bride and groom? No. You could be in the wedding party. You could be the bridesmaid. You could be the groomsman. You could just be invited and you don't know who to take. Maybe you're in a fight with the bride or groom.

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won't stop flirting with my husband. Okay. So she's your best friend, like bestie. So it's complicated. Like my two best friends live in Florida, like the ones I'm closest with. And this is like my best friend that lives close by me. So like, she's the person who I see most often, but my, I guess my real best friends are the ones in Florida. Okay. Um, and how certain are you that she is flirting as opposed to just being friendly? Like, you know, everyone has a different, uh, interpretation of flirting. Uh, are you fairly confident or is there a chance that you could be, you know, sensitive? Give me some examples maybe. I mean, I'm definitely sensitive, so it could definitely be

like, I'm reading way, way too much into it. Um, but like when I sat down to write you the email and I like looked at all of the things altogether, like before I sent it, I was like, this kind of seems like I'm not making it up sure um but um i think she is friendly but also i don't know i just think she doesn't have like good boundaries in general okay um so a couple of the examples um like one time we were out with with friends and i don't drink just like personal preference she does um she doesn't drink very like personal preference. She does. She doesn't drink very often, though. And when she does, she always gets like a little more flirtatious, I guess. And she was like going around the room asking all of our guy friends, like, I want to see who has rough hands and who has soft hands. Like, I want to touch all the guy's hands. And like, I just think that's weird in general. Like, that's not something I would ever ask to do. And so I said to her, I was like, no, you're not going to touch my husband's hand. Like, that's weird. Like, no.

And she got like very offended and gave me like such a hard time about it and brought it up like many times after, which I thought was weird. So that was like one of the times, um, another time. What do you mean? She brought it up. Like, how did she bring it up? Like she, like, so our husbands husbands work together which also complicates things and one time she was like bringing her husband something at work because they're firefighters

they work like shift work so she was bringing her husband something she was like oh do you want me to bring anything for your husband and i was like no i'm good and she was like oh yeah i'll make sure to try to stroke his hand again like okay so like in a petty way yeah like just weird like and i just never know what to say when she says it i feel like i'm always like like with my mouth open like i just like it always like catches me off guard like i always think of something good to say later you know yeah have you ever confronted her and just say hey you know like i know you're just a really nice person i know you like being friendly but once in a while it just makes me feel uncomfortable and i'd love you to like not do that yeah i just

like haven't known how to say it yet like i know i probably need to say it in the moment i know she'll probably like take more offense to it if I say it like not in the moment. But I don't there's been times where she said things and and I've sort of called her out on it, but just like not bluntly enough. Some other examples. So I've told her before, like my husband doesn't like it when I wear like, you know, dark eyeliner or like heavy makeup, long nails, whatever. And so we're all out dressed up. And she was like, oh, I wore like dark eyeliner and long nails just like your husband hates like and she was like this way um he'll be able to like pay even more attention to you and i was like what i literally just said

like what and she was like yeah like because i don't look good. Like you'll shine more. That's a little weird. And I just, I thought it was so weird. I'm like, a, I'm like, a, I'm no like supermodel, but like, I don't need you to look ugly to make me look pretty.

And like, B is just like kind of a rude thing to say. And C, like, I do like even remember that I told you this about my husband. Like, it's just weird. Why is that even a thought in her head? Yeah. Like, why is she thinking about it so often and how's your husband feel i don't know

it like makes him so uncomfortable like does he think she's flirting with him yes at this point now like in the beginning he was like oh you're crazy blah blah blah and then like there's just been so many incidences now like that he's's like, OK, like there was one other time, too. This is the other like big one. I was making her birthday dinner. She came in and like my husband was like flipping the chicken on the stove while I was like setting the table or something. And she was like, oh, like you're making me my my birthday dinner.

And he was like, no, like my wife is making you your birthday dinner. And then she brought it up again in front of her husband, like at dinner and was like, no, like my wife is making you your birthday dinner. And then she brought it up again in front of her husband, like at dinner and was like, oh, like he made me dinner for my birthday. How come you've never done that? And I wasn't in the room, but my other friend that was there told me that he just like shut it down and was like, no, I didn't. Do you think she's happy with her marriage? No. You know that. So, you know that.

Okay. So he cheated on her like early on when they were dating. Okay. Like badly, like slept with multiple women. And for some reason she stayed with him, decided to forgive him. You know, they ended up getting married, kids but like they just they fight all the time um she complains about him a lot um i have like a very happy marriage i would say um my husband and i are both good communicators like i just i adore him um he's a good husband

he's a good dad um it's not something i like brag about but i just don't talk negatively about him well yeah yeah as i see it you have kind of two choices right like i don't know how much this bothers you and i don't know how secure you are in your relation with your husband it sounds like pretty secure sounds like there's a lot of trust there sounds like you're not worried about him at all um you two i guess on some level could mutually decide to just kind of ignore her when she says shit like that and kind of continue to do what you're doing being like yeah no i didn't but like whatever tell yourself whatever you want you know because it sounds like you know it would it would be easy to assume that she's probably

unhappy and like this is more about just her acting out in her unhappiness than anything to do with your husband. Yeah. And then the whole like, you know, the hand stroking in her comments, like she probably feels a little bit called out on you and she's handling it in a very immature way of like addressing it to you. I think she is pretty emotionally immature like there's been lots of times where she's just like not handled things like how i would as an adult she also

doesn't have a lot of female friends like well i wouldn't she's not she's feeling their husband's hands it's a different level but you also can confront her too there's always the like sit down with her and be like hey babe like this want to talk to you it's just like listen i just every once in a while you make and give her these specific examples like it just like makes me uncomfortable like i'm not worried about you but i just don't know why you're saying this stuff like it's just like you shouldn't be saying this stuff to me or like you know and ask her like is there something you know at home that you want to talk about with you know when i feel like something to mention too is not even like whatever if she was drinking and she thought it was like a fun game to like feel people's hands like i guess but what bothers me even more is that she kind of like continued to like throw it in your face after

the fact so maybe that's something you could emphasize too like you know i tried to express to you as a friend that that made me uncomfortable. And instead of listening and respecting that boundary that I put down, you kind of threw it back in my face and I really didn't appreciate that. And it didn't make me feel great. Yeah. I guess the question is how well do you think, like how, how important is this to you? You know, that's what I mean, like best friend, is she like your closest friend who lives in your neighborhood and she's like your closest friend by proximity because she's just around and your husbands work together and she's like a fairly cool hang when she's not trying to like you know low-key fuck your husband i enjoy spending time with her and like she has

been a good friend to me in a lot of ways like you know we did ivf for all of our kids and she watched my twins while i went to go get the transfer for a third like 7 a.m you know she has two kids of her own watched my twins for me like stuff like that like she'll she'll help me whenever i need help like if i'm sick she'll drop off soup like she's not a bad person and i don't want to lose her as a friend i enjoy spending time with her i i think it's just these things. Yeah. It just depends on how well you think she will handle this confrontation or if you really want to do it. I think she'll feel like really bad and it'll she'll probably be like awkward with me for a little bit.

But I think in general, she doesn't want to make me unhappy. You know, like she's asked me before, like, oh, are you mad at me? Like or oh, like, I feel like oh are you mad at me like or oh like i i feel like i offended you about such and such a thing so so yeah i mean maybe then if she's willing to ask those questions you just be honest with her and be like hey again i love you i don't think you're trying to like fuck my husband but like you just whatever i like i don't think you're malicious i just you're doing things whether you realize it or not that make me feel uncomfortable and it would mean a lot to me if you can you know be aware of some of the things you say you know another thing i think your husband can also be a little rude to her you know

i think he could go so far as to like act annoyed when she does this shit he has a right to like act annoyed. When she does this shit, he has a right to like roll his eyes and just kind of like act put off by her and make her like feel. He definitely doesn't have a problem doing that. He should make it obvious because this is the type of person who is seeking validation somewhere else because she's not getting it at home.

And there's no better way for her to stop doing that by making him make her feel a little embarrassed for it okay i can talk to him about that i mean he definitely wouldn't have a problem doing that like i said with the whole because right now he's probably just more or less awkwardly ignoring her and just like whatever but like i think he could just be a little bit more obvious that he is repulsed by that. And that could, you know, maybe that's, maybe that's the first one, you know, she might stop real quick when she feels like you just threw up in his mouth.

Yeah. I think she'll be really embarrassed. Like if I want, if and when I do say something. Regardless of bringing up your husband and her behavior, have you ever sat her down and just said like, how are things at home? Like, how are you in whatever his name is? her down and just said like, how are things at home? Like, how are you in whatever his name is? Like, are you happy?

Like, how are things? Yeah. I mean, we definitely like, we talk every day. So like for sure, I,

you know, I'll be like, how's your day going? Like, no, but specifically with her relationship, like, how are you?

I guess not. Yeah. No, I don't think I have like actually said that. Like we talk about our relationships, but I haven't like asked specifically. I think like, like an intentional check-in,

like, Hey, how are you and Eric? How are you guys doing? Like, is everything okay? You know, like,

and just see what she gives you. And maybe she, you know, maybe you guys can become closer there and you don't bring up this quite yet. You know, just see how she's going. Okay. And maybe just through that conversation it'll create a a better opportunity to bring it up down the line or maybe she will through that conversation realize that you know what she's doing you know

i don't know okay but yeah and the other thing i was like thinking about bringing up too is like she one of our other friends like sometimes if she drinks too much she'll flirt with this friend's husband and and my friend hates it she'll be like oh i can't leave those two in a in a room alone together and so like if she's that upset about that i'm all um she's probably not self-aware i mean i don't think she's malicious she's probably just an insecure and unhappy and she's starving for attention that she's not getting at home it's not an excuse and doesn't make it okay and she's no i'm not saying she's completely unaware but yes and then the few like i would first i'd first just like have a conversation

with your husband and give him the green light to just really react like he's super uncomfortable and turned off by any time she does this. Two, I would check in with her and leave out her the situation with your husband and just ask how she's doing and if she's happy and how her relationship is going and just be that kind of really, you know, considerate friend who's there for you. And just be that kind of really, you know, considerate friend who's there for you. If there is an opportunity in the future to, and to say, hey, you know, yeah, if I'm being honest, you know, every once in a while you act this way towards my husband and it makes me feel uncomfortable. And like, I know how you feel about so-and-so and I don't think you're doing it on purpose, but if I'm just being honest with you, every once in a while you make me feel like so-and-so makes you feel and i know you don't

mean to but i really would as a friend it would mean a lot to me if you could just be more aware of it because i don't think you're doing it on purpose but it does make me feel uncomfortable and i do love you and i just hope that we can be honest with each other about this okay i think that's a really good way to put it i think if you like check in on her and really make her feel like she's there for you about her relationship, it will open the doors for these types of conversations that you can have. Okay. Okay.

That makes sense. And feeling seen. Cause it's like, I feel like, I don't know. And you're happy in a relationship. She's probably, yeah. She's just probably lonely and is acting out. Yeah. I've wondered that too.

She also like, whenever we go out in that way, like, you know, she's, she's thinner than I am. She'll like wear a crop top and like, I don't know. I feel like it's intentional sometimes. Like she's looking for attention. Of course. Especially if she's not getting at home. And if she, even if she is, maybe this is again, like, I don't know how she dealt with being cheated on and that trauma.

And maybe she hasn't fully processed that trauma. Maybe she just chose to forgive him and accept it and hope that he stops. Yeah. And he did. I mean, he hasn't that we know of since then. And I never would have guessed that he did, like, when I met him. But, yeah. But who knows? Who knows how she's processed this? All right. Thank you so much. And I never would have guessed that he did like when I met him. So, but again, yeah.

But who knows, who knows how she's processed this. Right. All right. Thank you so much. Keep us posted. We love this neighborhood drama. Tell us how the conversation goes.

Yeah. Yeah. I will. I definitely will. I love listening to you guys. I know I'm married, but I love all the different kinds of advice you guys have. Oh, we love,

well, we love you listening and thank you for being a part of our show and sharing the story. It's certainly a juicy one. And it's also so relatable of like, you know, like that friend. I think this shit happens a lot. The neighborhood drama, you know,

and it's just like not every marriage is happy. You don't really know what's going on behind closed doors. And, you know, so-and-so got cheated on. And on and you know i doubt she's actually trying to fuck your husband but i think she just right she wants to feel pretty and she wants to feel important she wants to feel like she still has it she wants to feel desired and it's not getting she's not getting at home and and maybe she's trying to make her husband jealous sometimes it's just like some of the times it's like one on one and it's just to you and that's all the stuff that nick just mentioned but i also think there's maybe a component of the like

he cooked me dinner oh yeah it's not really about you or your husband it's more yeah so try to be closer to her and try to be there for her and then see where it goes you know okay that's a good idea all right well keep it sounds. I'll let you know how it goes. All right. Take care. All right. Bye. One thing about Amanda, she likes to take care of her soul, mind and body. No, it's true. We get one body in this lifetime. And I sometimes... It's your vessel. It's our vessel.

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you can read direct reviews for people who actually saw these doctors. Again, you will find out if they take your insurance or not. Many are available within 24 hours. That's incredible. It's incredible. ZocDoc is a free app. ZocDoc is the only free app that lets you find and book doctors who are patient reviews, take your insurance, and are available when you need them and treat almost every condition under the sun. Go to ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Good. I'm Megan, and I'm 26 years old. And I am wondering, after three failed attempts at a father figure,

is it worth salvaging a relationship with the last one okay uh so is this the fourth one or is this the third one this is the third one okay uh and then i'm assuming the first one is your biological father no so it's kind of a complicated backstory i'm not sure if you want me to explain that give us a brief little diagram. Okay. So my mom was married really young. She was married at 16 and she got married to my first stepdad. We'll call him Ken. She got married to him when she was 16. That marriage ended before any kids were involved when she was around like 20.

And then she met my biological dad when she was um about 25 they had two kids um got married their relationship didn't work out um and then when that marriage failed she ended up getting remarried to ken and we moved across the country and then that was my first step dad what happened to biological dad is he in your life at all so unfortunately he passed away in 2013 i'm sorry um and that's a thank you i appreciate that um and two years before that uh ken had actually passed away as well so within about a span of two years i had lost like two significant father figures which was pretty yeah pretty gnarly for a 16 year old but yeah but let's not call them failed attempts right right i i guess more

fractured is the way i look at it like all these all these men in my life like there's something has went wrong along the way and it's you know whether that was a passing or, you know, anything like that. And then, so this current stepdad, the issue that I'm calling in about, about a year after my biological dad had passed away, my mom was kind of looking, I think for a marriage that was easy, didn't come with a lot of baggage because we were going through so much. And I mean, she was kind of like, she's very traditional. And so she, you know, she just really wanted to be, to be married again and to have somebody, you know, who would bring her coffee and would love us kids, but wouldn't really bring in necessarily like, you know, stepkids and any

sort of extra drama. I think she wanted to protect us from that so they got married about a year or so after my dad had passed away how old were you so he's been in my life now for about 10 years okay he uh came in yeah so he came into the marriage when i was yeah 16 okay and then a mom and dad and then they got divorced, I'm guessing, at some point? So they just recently got divorced, which is why, I mean, so much kind of has happened over this last 10 years. And so, yeah, they just recently got divorced in November. Gotcha. What's your relationship with him, regardless of your relationship with him? Yeah, what's your relationship with him, regardless of what his relationship is with your mom? It was always really positive.

I mean, I think I really craved a nuclear family growing up. And so I was really, really accepting of him coming into the family. I know my brother had more issues than I did with that, but I was always, um, really welcoming of him and we established a great friendship, a great relationship. There was one point, um, where he wanted to adopt me and I was open to that. Um, that never actually ended up happening, but I mean, I was really, really welcoming to him and yeah, we just, we had a great, a great relationship. The only thing that I'll say that now I've kind of done a lot more thinking about is our relationship was, I think more surface level than I had really thought that it was. I thought it was deeper.

What made you have that realization? Well, it's just like looking at the way that lots of this has kind of unfolded. He's handled it in a way that's just like, like baffling. Um, he, my boyfriend jokes all the time. Like if he, if you could like put him in a windup doll and he could only say five things, he would say, keep being amazing. Um, I love my family so much. You're so wonderful. But I mean, in terms of myself, my brother and I, like he just doesn't

really ever contribute to any sort of deep intellectual thinking when we're all together as a bunch. He's always just there and positive, if that makes sense. Sure. But like, there's value there. I mean, not everyone wants to like dig deep all the time. What do you, you first called in and said, you know, you want to salvage potentially this relationship with, you know, your stepdad. And you said after, you know, three failed attempts. I do think, I think our language is important of how we tell ourselves things and the narratives we write for ourselves. ourselves things and the narratives we write for ourselves and you like logically you know that like it's not your fault because they died but like when you say fail there's there's a sense of failure failure in the word failure fail you get what i'm saying right um yeah and i don't know like if there's some deep-rooted issues of like this sense of like abandonment like there's a did you is there something you did or anything like the sense of like abandonment, like, does, did you, is there something you did or anything like that? And again,

like maybe that's something you want to unpack and something like therapy, but, but yeah, I just, the fact that you use the word fail there, I just, I, I hate that for you and I don't want you to,

you know, and, and it might be, you know, logically speaking, but we, our brain doesn't always work logically and there could be a part of you that feels a sense of fault or failure with the past relationships for whatever reason you know i don't

know so but let a professional unpack that for you but anyway just for you maybe just start changing that word internally you know as far as this relationship i mean from what you're telling me i don't don't like do you want him in your life? You know? And, like, he doesn't have to be some, like, he doesn't have to be the person that you go to for therapy, for example. Like, maybe he's not, like, the Nick in your life, so to speak, who, like, you know, I'm the guy. My friends, like, you know, they can sit down, and if they want to, like, go deep about their feelings, I'm pretty good at that. And I'll listen, and I enjoy it. Right. I love going deep. Not everyone's like that, but you don't need that to have like a father figure. You know, you don't need that to have a friend. You don't need that to have a mentor, you know, those types of things can offer different things. But the thing is,

do you just, do you, do you want them in your want him in your life to be there for you at times you need? Because while he might not be the person you go deep with, the always positive person could be nice to have when you need a pick me up. When maybe you're feeling down and if you still had a relationship with him, maybe he could be the person that you call and say, hey, what are you doing this weekend? Can we grab lunch? And then you meet with the guy who is like always finding ways to be positive about things. And maybe that's just a type of like the medicine you need. And it's just nice to know he's there.

And maybe he's just someone you see a few times a year, you know, but he's still he's still someone there that you can call and talk to and be there for and you know it might get weird if he moves on from your mom and date someone else but like as long as your mom's happy you can still be there for him and you guys can develop a type of friendship that's you know father-like in a way right you know he's still there for you and he checks in but i feel like that's kind of up to you and him, I guess, you know, if you want that relationship, you're a 26 year old adult woman. You don't need your mom's permission. You don't need your brother's permission. If you want to have a relationship with this guy.

No. And I like, I completely agree. And I think that's why I'm feeling so conflicted is because I see all of those benefits to having him in my life. conflicted is because I see all of those benefits to having him in my life. The issue that I'm like really struggling with though, is I just, I don't trust him. The reason that the marriage kind of dissolved is, you know, he kind of, he, he led us all through this game for years of like lies and promises of, you know, financial stability, I suppose. And, um, it wasn't until that they were like, my mom and him were supposed to sign off on like their dream property.

Um, literally like the pen was supposed to meet the paper. And then he like just dropped all of this stuff on her lap. And she just was like, I can't bail you out anymore. And I mean, for years though, like we had kind of been sheltered from all of that, my brother and I, because I think for my mom's perspective, she, you know, she was married to this guy. Like if your partner messes up,

you're not going to go straight to family supper and be like, oh my God, guess what he did. But I mean, after, you know, like we're adults now. So when the marriage ended and we were like, what the heck happened? You know, it was just kind of like, Oh my God, do we have any idea who you are? Um, cause all of, all of this was just kind of like lies that had been hidden from us for years. And then even now, like we've seen him a couple of times and there's been zero. Like it's like, honestly, the analogy I give is that I feel like we'll call him John. I feel like John spilled the milk on the floor and has literally been watching my mom, my brother and I, and our respective partners now, like clean up this mess and just like looking down on us and being like,

how's it going, sweetie? I miss you so much. It's amazing. I love my family. You're wonderful. Have you confronted him about this? The first meeting, like after the marriage ended, was very teary-eyed, you know,

because I don't think it had really all come to the surface at this point, but we definitely knew the root of the issue. And so, I mean, we were also out drinking beers. Like we weren't going to like necessarily, I don't think anybody was prepared to get into like a crazy, you know, what, what happened because it was also, you know, in my opinion, it wasn't the 26 year old's job to interrogate the 55 year old's job. You know, like it was, it just didn't really want to go there. It's not your job per se, but you, you want answers. Yeah. And I feel like, you know, this whole, I, well, it's not my job.

Like you're right. It's not. And you, and if, and if you were like, I don't know, it's not my dad. I don't give a shit about him. He did a fucked up thing. I never want to talk to him again. You'd have every right to feel that way. And you could just wipe your hands clean, but you, you have questions. It pisses you off that he is 55 and you're 26 is kind of irrelevant. If you want to get answers, you have to ask questions. Because expecting the person who did this type of thing to magically turn into someone who is accountable, who is upfront, who will take responsibility, well, that's not the person who would probably do something like this. So if you want a relationship with him at all, I mean, even if you don't want a relationship with him,

you might as well ask the questions. We all trusted you. I'm just having a hard time understanding, A, why you could do this, and B, it just doesn't feel like you're all that sorry about it and that's really hurtful to me because i do care about you and you've been my father for the past 10 years i i feel betrayed by you and that's really hurtful and i think you have the right to tell him how you feel about what he did to you as well as your mom and the family

and if nothing else you just getting that out may make you feel better and give you the closure that you need but it has to come from you like he's not you know we always talk about like closure comes from within it comes from yourself it doesn't come from other people but like even you just asking those those questions and confronting them i don't know what he's going to say and his answers might not be very they might not do confronting them, I don't know what he's going to say. And his answers might not be very, they might not do anything for you. I don't know. But you confronting him, I think will go a long way. And it might lead to saying, hey, listen, I'm really heartbroken.

I'm really sad. But I still hope that we can have some sort of relationship. But if we do have a relationship, I want it to be honest. And I want it to be upfront. And I want to be able to challenge each other. And I want you to, you know, as a, as my, the father finger of my life, I want you to look out for me and, and, and call me out if I'm acting out. And as someone who cares about you, I want to do the same for you. You know, as an adult man, I still respect my parents, but if I saw my parents acting a certain way,

I'm going to check them. I'm not a kid anymore, and you're not either. You're an adult woman, and you have the right to challenge other adult people in your life who you think are not treating themselves or the other people in your life with respect and love. Well, and I mean, all of what you're saying is so true. respect and love well and i mean like all of what you're saying is so true like it's been like six months or five months of like stewing about this and thinking about how i want to move forward because i feel like i have so much like you know i have it like um i have a want for like a

consistent father figure and like in my head in my brain i was thinking you know what's the right way to go about this me and my partner were like all right you know what we'll invite him over for supper we'll have you know we'll have some have a drink have dinner you know that's the olive branch to like be like you know this is a safe space and then i was going to write him a letter and read it to him essentially like confronting him about it. Because I like I feel like I'm way better at typing things out. I'm speaking. But yeah, so that was kind of the whole plan.

And we were trying to come up with days to do it. And then out of the blue, he posted on his social media, like no heads up to any of us that he's in a new relationship with a woman who he's known for 20 years, who has two adult children about mine and my brother's age. And there was like, and he's still technically in a lease with my mom. So it just feels like super messy. And then I guess after, after all of that, I was like, oh my God, like I was so angry because it was like at least a heads up or like the respect of like, you was like, Oh my God, like I, I was so angry because it was like at least a heads up or like the respective, like, you know, and I think it brought up a lot of stuff for me too. Cause I had like, I was working and I had a lot of my friends texting me being like, Oh my

God, is your mom. Okay. And I was like, what do you mean? Like, I, it kind of like brought back like some PTSD of like, you know, all this like terrible stuff that had happened and then i saw i was like oh my gosh like this is this sucks like you know and then i like i went down this rabbit hole of like has this been going on for a long time like did her kids get the respect of a conversation like it just yeah you know and then he has the audacity to like just text me out of the blue being like hey let, let's catch up. I hear you. I hear why that's upsetting. But they're broken up. And it's been, what, six months?

I would have been so happy for him had he just let us know. Yeah. But I mean, come on. This is a guy who hasn't taken accountability for lying to your mom about finances. So I guess, yeah. So you're expecting a guy who's done far worse to do the right thing when it comes to being upfront and communicating with his ex and her kids. I know.

So that's why I'm like, do I move on with a relationship with him? Like, do I try? Do I respond to this text that i do i respond i guess nothing has really changed you know this whole idea that you want to write him a letter and sit down with him and just read it to him nothing's changed he's still that same you know selfish immature bad communicator that he was before nothing's new He just has a girlfriend. And like people are allowed to move on, you know, rightfully so. Your mom decided he didn't want to be with him. Totally get that.

And while he fucked up, like he still has the right to want to date. And how he communicated that to you and his family, like your expectations of him are probably just a little too high, you know. your expectations of him are probably just a little too high, you know, but your need and want to communicate to him your frustration of his actions, quite honestly, not only has it not changed, it's been reinforced. Even if you don't confront him, write the letter, even if you never send it to him, it'll help you get it out because right now you're just ruminating just in your head sucking so much energy out of you so write it yeah put it away for a while I don't know

if you you know maybe do a couple drafts have your boyfriend read it you know like okay but if nothing else you you know you you want to confront them so confront them you know you want to get it out and maybe that will give you the closure you need to just move on and I'm very sorry that you've had this experience with you know your biological father and your first step dad, but

I don't want you to feel like it's incomplete until you find a father figure who can stick around. Unfortunately, parents depart our lives and that can be sad and we have to work through that. And I'm not saying you shouldn't always strive to have good role models and mentors and have people in your lives. But I don't want you to feel like until you find like a permanent father figure, you're somehow like incomplete or less than. Right. No, I get that.

And I really appreciate that. And I don't want you to think of like you have to solve this relationship so that you have some sort of father figure. I think you should think of this guy as like he like he was a father to you he was important to you and despite his mistakes and all his flaws of which it sounds like there are many you still would like to have him in your life on some level and that level can include a lot of boundaries you know that level can be like i don't know if he's the person i'm going to trust kind of with anything. You know, I'm not going to go him to finance for financial planning advice. I, I'm not going to be the person I go to with something where I'm just

like, you know, I need to count on this person to follow through with my needs. Cause if not, I could, you know, he's not, he's not the person you count on. He's the person maybe you have around just to like talk through things once in a while to check in, just, you know, he's not, he's not the person you count on. He's the person maybe you have around just to like talk through things once in a while to check in, just, you know, just to be there. Right. It's just, I feel so much like anger towards him, but I guess that's kind of what I need to communicate. And that's okay.

You can have a relationship with, you can have a relationship with someone you're very angry with. You can have a relationship with someone and be mad at them. You know, that's a relationship with someone you're very angry with you can have a relationship with someone and be mad at them you know that's a relationship and you don't have to be in this relationship but it doesn't always have to be perfect that's true that's true so in the letter would you like like is there a way to word something to somebody or is the letter then more for me then because i feel like no matter what i say it's not it's not gonna i think you're exactly i think the letter is for you to get your feelings out and to express yourself do not write the letter trying to think of saying

things the perfect way so that he receives it to your point he is an adult 55 year old adult man and most certainly it's like i would i would have low expectations of things getting through to him but you should hold him accountable for how he handles this and receives this and you absolutely should not bend over backwards to figure out how you can save him or get him to understand if If you confronting him with your honest feelings about the situation and a couple asks from how he can take accountability, hey, if you want me in your life, this is what I need from you. I don't know what that is,

but you have the right to say whatever the fuck that is. You have the right to be honest. Right, right. Thank you guys so much. Our pleasure, yeah yeah so write that letter write it today get it all out yeah it's all fresh in my mind in terms of the text message that i've kind of like ghosted him on do i respond saying like hey i want to write you a letter uh no i would write write the letter see how that goes see how you feel about writing it read it back to yourself and just kind of you know meditate on how you write

a letter made you feel start there and if you choose to reply to him yeah i don't know i would just say yeah i'd like to get together. There are definitely some things I'd like to discuss with you. Okay, that sounds like a good plan. And I think reading him the letters, if you think that that'll be easier for you and allow you to articulate yourself

and keep your concentration, I think that's a totally great exercise. And you sit down and say, hey, listen, you get together. If it's with your boyfriend, great. Maybe it might be better just without being teamed up on if it's just the two of you. And to say it would really mean a lot to me if I could, I wrote you a letter, but I really just wanted to talk with you. But like, this is easier for me. Can I read this to

you? And again, have the letter start with how much you care about him, what his relationship to you has meant to you over the years, how much it's meant to you to have him be a father figure. You know, lead with that and then hit him with how you feel wronged by him. Give him a shit sandwich. Yeah. Tied up nicely. Yeah, totally. Okay.

All right. tied up nicely. Yeah, totally. Okay. All right. But either way, you have the right to express yourself and stop waiting around for this person who clearly knows how to disappoint you to not disappoint you. Yeah. I think that's the conclusion I feel like I've come to, is that I just can't expect much. Yeah. and he might have been your father figure but you're no longer a kid and so you have the capability and the right to defend yourself and confront him and you don't need to wait for him to do it okay thank you guys so much for your time and all the advice i really do appreciate it pleasure well i will write that letter please keep us posted all right all right take care thank you guys so much. Bye. What's going on? Hi, my name is Sophie. I'm 25 and my ex broke up with me after I took care of

his aunt in hospice and I'm not sure how to maintain my friendship with his sister. Okay. Are you in the healthcare field or did you do this out of the goodness of your heart? Both. I'm a nurse, but yeah. So I did it for both because I would do it for anybody. I mean, the short answer is I don't think the aunt has anything to do with the friendship. I totally agree. And my second short answer is, I mean, we can get into it and I'd love to know more about the relationship, but the aunt also has nothing to do with the boyfriend. Yeah.

It's like, and I get, I get why you're kind of like, fuck you. I did this for you. And I, you know, like I,

I get where like, it's an ego kind of like you, I did this for you and you owe me this, but like clearly you took care of his aunt out of the goodness of your heart it's part of what you do and if he doesn't love you anymore or doesn't want to be with you like i don't think you want someone to stick with you just because you were a good caregiver to another family member yeah and i think that's like the big thing is like trying to like force me not force myself but trying to think that

like i don't want to be with this person who doesn't appreciate what i've done but also like i love his family to death and it sucks not being that person to them anymore yeah well i mean you're still like so when you say best friends with his sister, like best friends or like. Yeah. Like she's the only friend that like ever spends the night. We spend like multiple days together. We. So are you really.

I put more effort into her. Are you really considering not being friends with her? No, it's not that. I think it's just like trying to set the boundaries because we broke up maybe like eight months ago. Just like all of his family members still contact me. Like they respond to all my stories, my posts. His mom still sends me birthday money, like all of that.

And it's just a lot. And just trying. Yeah, it's a lot. And it's so hard to like walk away from them because I spent so much time that not a lot of couples actually like I was like with his mom like taking care of her sister dying so like we built a really strong relationship with that and it's hard to like let it go like walk away totally you have to just try to separate it you know if you want to maintain a relation with his mom and a sister you just focus on that relationship you know most the time when we introduce someone to our parents like the relationship exists because

we're dating the person you know every once in a while and they which just seems to be the case in your case those relationships go beyond simply just like you know accepting you because they're dating your son or they're dating your sister or you're like their brother you know and so you have to try to set you know and if that's the case if you truly are friends with these people or have relationships people beyond that relationship with your ex then you just have to try to be grateful for that and focus on that. But the more genuine those relationships are, the, you know, I guess the easier it should be. And you just have to try to control your thoughts by attributing everything that has to do with

them with your ex. You know, my guess is, you know, it's been eight months. That's a decent amount of time. How long did you guys date for? Five years. Okay. So yeah. So while eight months isn't forever, I totally understand why you're not over it, but eight months is still a long time and you should be on the path to healing. It's not that like, I'm not over it. It's just, what's hard is he's now dating his ex-girlfriend that he dated before me and they started dating within like a week of us

breaking up. So I'm thinking there's overlap, but, um, it's just hard because now I'm missing like all of her big moments in life. Like why are you missing those moments? Because she is inviting her brother and she doesn't want to make him uncomfortable. So that's where I'm like, And she doesn't want to make him uncomfortable. So that's where I'm like, I don't want to like, I understand her position 100%. Like he's her family. But the other side of it is like, I don't want to just like a closeted friendship where I don't get to be a part of those big moments. Cause like, I want to celebrate her.

She's an amazing friend to me, but like, I want to be there, not just like in her apartment. I want to do things with her. And I just feel like it's very. So how, how hidden are you from her life? not just like in our apartment i want to do things with her and i just feel like it's very so how how hidden are you from her life because like not going to her marathons one thing like they're they're super boring well it's just like her birthday like i wasn't able to go like she invited me to her birthday because at first he wasn't able to go and then like two hours before he was able to go and she like disinvited me and i'm 25 like i know like not

everybody can get invited okay so yeah that sucks i mean if she's your best friend you should like yeah i mean does she feel the same about you as you do about her yeah she tells me like all the time like you're gonna be a my maid of honor in my wedding like well okay then she needs to start being okay with including you with around her your ex yeah and like i'm okay with being around him and it's just hard to like say that to her because she'll be like i don't want to make him uncomfortable and i want to say like well all right so it sounds like maybe you just need to kind of come to Jesus conversation with this friend you know and it's something like hey listen like

I totally get where you're coming from I know you love your brother and I know this is awkward but like you've become my best friend I hope you feel the same about me and if she says oh my god girl I do like whatever besties for life I'm like great I love that I hope I do stand up in your wedding but if we're oh my god girl i do like whatever besties for life i'm like great i love that you i i hope i

do stand up in your wedding but if we're like but if we're gonna be my best friends let's be best friends i don't like trust me do you think i like the idea of being around your brother who might have cheated on me with this other girl i don't but i i love you and i love our friendship so much that i'll i'll get over it because I've accepted that your brother is not my person. And I'm not talking shit about your brother, but I've accepted that. Like, I want someone who makes me feel loved and I want someone who might not have

cheated on me and it's fine. And like, I'll just like, I'm getting over it and I have gotten over, and I'll continue to get over it. But, like, you can't hide us. If we are best friends, then, you know, I don't want you to hide me. I'm an adult. I'll behave myself.

And at the end, like, well, with all due respect to your brother, like, I don't get why he gets to, like, uninvite me to your party. He's like, well, I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Like, well, again, like, I get he's your brother, but I'm also your best friend. I'm not asking you to uninvite your party. He was like, why don't I even feel uncomfortable? Like, well, again, like I get he's your brother, but I'm also your best friend. I'm not asking you to uninvite your brother. I'm willing to be in the same room with him and his girlfriend and behave myself and not make your birthday party about me because I love you and you're my best friend. At least give me the opportunity to show you that i can be okay with this situation but like you're my best friend and like i'm i i got uninvited to my best friend's wedding

and my best friend's birthday party two hours before her party like how can i be best friends with someone if i'm only like invited when her brother's not around it'd be one thing if you're like i can't handle seeing him oh my god then like and you're crying all the time over like that's not what's going on so i think you just have to say like you know as your best friend don't i i think i deserve the opportunity to show you that i can handle it and if he can't handle it well that's i don't understand like maybe he should like why can't he handle being in the same room as me? And listen, like if,

if, if you can't be my friend because your brother won't let you, then I, that makes me sad. But like, just tell me, but like, yeah,

we're not, we're not best. Like we're not totally best friends, you know? I, and I love you and I want to be in your life and and you know yeah give me the opportunity opportunity to show you that i can i can handle this and we feel like kind of had that conversation and it just turned it and i was like i like it's not

about me it's all about you i love you more than I love him at this moment like yes I it was the breakup was a blind side I obviously still miss him but like I'm working on getting over it and focusing on myself and doing that is being your friend because you make me feel good you make me feel loved but I don't want to like I feel like I could put you above my feelings for him in that situation because it is your birthday and I want to be there and celebrate you. Yeah. I want to punch him in the face, but like, I don't need, like, I don't need to associate myself with him anymore. She was just like, he's my brother at the end of the day. Um, I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. He doesn't care that we're friends at all he'll ask about you um and his new

girlfriend nobody really enjoys the presence of so and i'm just like i don't care what she thinks about me like i'm here you're as your friend like i want you to validate my feelings about that yeah what did she say and then just the same thing she was like i don't care what she thinks um she means nothing to me you're my best friend it's just there's going to be some things you're not invited to and then that was like the end of the conversation but i was like i want to be there for your wedding moments like like what again yeah like i want to celebrate you like what other moments am i i don't care if it's just a Friday night at the bars, but your birthday, a wedding,

all these big things, I want to be there to celebrate you. You don't have to be there all the time. You're a really important person in my life. Yeah. I set my own boundaries, but for the big things, I want to be there. And she says what to this? The same thing.

There's going to be some things you're not invited to. So what some things is not her birthday. And if she wants you to be her maid of honor, I'm guessing her brother is going to be there. Yeah. He's probably going to be in the wedding. Like, and that's where I'm like,

why do I want to keep putting up with this friendship? Because like after a breakup, I'm going through like cutting people out of my life who don't bring me happiness. And even though she does, but like there's moments where like she makes me feel really low. So I guess that's where I'm coming from is like, do I continue to maintain this friendship when like all of this is still happening? Maybe not. And that's the hard part because sometimes she's like a sister to me. I don't think it's black or white.

I think, you know what I'm saying? Like, I think it's good that you've already put this out there. I think maybe another conversation to remind her and just kind of reinforce your idea. But just say like, and if she ultimately says the same thing, you could just say like, I hear you, but like it it definitely affects our friendship and then you can just kind of slowly distance yourself and see if she responds it's just like you're just not my best friend if you're if if i can't be a part of big moments in your life i am not asking to be there at your thanks fucking giving or i'm there for christmas or every day but like i don't want to get uninvited to your birthday because your brother decides to show up and i'm there for christmas or every day but like i don't want to get uninvited

to your birthday because your brother decides to show up and i'm not saying this you know and maybe stop with the whole like where you could help yourself is stop with the whole like do i want to kill him sure you know like you don't need to say that stuff i think you need to just generally act indifferent like that's where you can help yourself like she might be your best friend but you need to vent to someone else about your ex if you need to vent to someone you know to not her and any comments about stop doing that yeah any comments about like do i want to kill him sure am i still mad i'm sure like like talk into her that you are over it that you have moved on you know and with someone else if you need to vent vent but like be careful what you say to her about

your brother and that might go a long way because maybe you are making little comments here or there that you're not even realizing that makes you just uncomfortable with the idea of you two being in the same room and bring it up again and just reinforce that this is important to you and and see where it goes and again like it's not black or. You don't just have to cut her off. She can still be your friend. But all that really changes internally is that you just kind of stop calling her your best friend and you have different expectations of her. Right now, you're calling her your best friend

and your expectations are as your best friend to like be there for the important moments. And if she stands her ground with this position that she has now, regardless of whatever adjustments you make, then you just have to change your narrative. She's your friend. She's just not your best friend. Yeah. And like,

I've, I mean, I do need to be better, but I have thought about like not saying anything about him either. I've been really trying to work on that. Yeah. That'll take time. But then recently, she's been...

Yeah. But I'm saying until you're totally over it. She's been doing it. Yeah. Until you're... Well, she is. She brings him up? Well, she's been bringing up the ex-girlfriend who's the current girlfriend recently and like saying like more negative comments and

then i start to think about like well are they going to break up is he going to come back and then i'm starting to kind of get back into that like not being so over it would you take him back no there's no i'm positive i'm positive I would not take him back, but there's always just like that little hope. It's just hard. Like five years with someone and then breaks up two days after the funeral. Do you think he cheated on you? Nothing happened. Yeah, I do.

I do. But I'm out there. Good. I'm putting myself out there. So I think you should just ask her to like, just like, listen, like, I don't really want to hear about her. Yeah. And I know you don't want me to vent to you about your brother and like, I'm, I'm, I'm

over it. I've moved on. And as far as any thoughts, you got to let go of the hope. Yeah, I do. Because even if they break up, doesn't mean he's going to come back to you and even if he does do you really want him coming back to you out of regret or because it didn't work out I mean I would only take him back if he really like came back with a lot of like clear answers of why he made the decision that he did and why he left and and being up front about the overlap or and what's going to be different about this relationship i think that's

the only thing that i would want out of all of it is just to like get the answers but majority of the time you don't get the answers that you want i want to win the lottery but you know i'm not sitting here hoping but it's going to happen and if you can identify that you want those answers and those are important things to you like i think that's even more reason to be like this needs to be a protected no-go zone in our friendship because like all friendships have that like i have friends who are like feel so close to childhood best friends we don't talk about certain political issues because i know it's going to make me not see the things that i like loving them and it's like it's no different like all friendships have areas where it's just like, you don't traverse this

because it's better for both of you. And even though this one, like I'm sure you talk about all other kinds of boys and dating, et cetera. And so it's like probably feels foreign, but you're so entitled to that. And it doesn't mean it's like a weird,

bad or defective friendship. And I think that's like why like we're both still trying to like get out of that because we used to live together. So when her and i would like vent about her brother all the time like when i when we were dating she would like complain about him in like brotherly terms and then i would complain about him in like relationship

aspects and that's how we ultimately got like really close but now she'll just talk to me about like how he's annoying her as a brother and it's just like i i don't want to hear that because it makes me miss yeah she should be able to stop that because if the only thing you can talk about is your ex then you're not best friends yeah and we don't do that as much anymore but it was just at the beginning during the breakup she was there for me which was so weird but and i think you just say to her listen i love our friendship so much and i all, here's all the reasons why I love your friendship. It would be, you know, I'm moving on from your brother. I'm actually have moved on, but it is hard.

I don't want to hear about the ex. And like, I, you know, I'm always here for you if you need, but I'd rather you just kind of vent to someone else about her. And I'd rather just like have our friendship be about us and not about your brother. Yeah. Again, I'd still love to be a part of your birthday party cause I'll be fine. But I just, you know,

if you can't have me at your party with him, then don't bring them into our sleepovers. Cause that's what she's doing. You know, like she's inviting him to your sleepovers or your time hanging out every time she brings them up. And she's so worried about making things uncomfortable for her brother. Like it's kind of uncomfortable for you to you know either yeah she's giving you false hope or she's just like

you're just investing energy talking about a guy that you're trying to move on from so yeah she needs to respect some boundaries she's asking you to respect some boundaries and so these this certainly seems like something you guys can certainly work through you guys just have to be willing if you truly are best friends just be considerate to the other person's feelings set your expectations enforce your boundaries and and just not talk about certain things like people do it all the time just hard yeah thank you i know but help yourself out i'm guessing you're doing things to make it worse yeah Having like the thought of like just wanting answers is definitely making it worse too because like I want to sometimes ask for how they're doing.

He cheated on you. There's your answer. It just like. Yeah. Right. Deep down in your gut, you know that whether he fucked her or it was just emotional cheating, he did some shit because like you said, he broke up with you out of the blue and a week and a half later had a new girlfriend. That's fine. You you know and your ego's a little bruised but like you don't

need like the reason why you're having time letting it go is because you haven't just acknowledge it you haven't just said it out loud the motherfucker cheated on me i don't know what he did but he did it and it's not my fault it's his fault he's a prick i don't deserve that and you just tell your ego to shut the fuck up because right now you're not being honest with yourself about what happened and your ego is saying the fuck up because right now you're not being honest with yourself about what happened. And your ego is saying, hey, he fucking cheated on you. You're a loser. And you're like, no, no, no, no, no.

And those answers you want for him are him saying he didn't cheat on you and having some explanation as to why he couldn't be with you that allow you to go back to your ego and say, see, I'm not a loser. Fuck you. So just accept that it happened and move on. And it just makes me think because like right after I was the one apologizing, being like, I wasn't your girlfriend for those three months. I was taking care of your aunt. So it's my fault that you drifted away. And it's just, and I think that for my ego is hurt too.

So I was like, why the fuck would I apologize? Yeah, you're trying to find explanations to why. Like, listen, it just didn't work out. You know, he fell out of love with you. And that might, I hope that's not hard to hear and I understand. But like, it does happen. For all you know, there's a lot, I mean, you probably haven't even fully like processed all the reasons that you weren't happy in that relationship.

You were blindsided and you were just angry that you took care of his aunt and that he cheated on you, but you didn't want to acknowledge that. And so you haven't really spent any time being like, you know what? You know how I wasn't happy in that relationship? You know? Yeah. I'm guessing- And it does come to light more now seeing how he's doing all the things that i

asked him to do with this new girl so yeah so there's my answer yeah there's nothing he can tell you there is no answer he can give you that's going to make you feel better you have all the answers you need you just have to accept them and and know that you know there's something better out there for you and it's not him well i'm going on a date tonight after this there you go congrats well we would love an update about that i'm putting myself out there well good luck stay positive set some boundaries with the friend uh accept what happened with him and and you know really move on control your thoughts stop talking about it with your friend.

Set some healthy boundaries, and you'll be all right. Thank you. I appreciate it. All right. Take care. Thank you. All right.

Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Thank you. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget, we have Violetenson tomorrow to go over all the new episodes of love is blind we have girl boss town on thursday better date than never 9 p.m eastern

live on thursday night if you haven't checked out file files plus yet i don't know what you're waiting for bye Bye.