The Viall Files - E569 Ask Nick - I’m a Lesbian Dating a Man

Episode Date: April 17, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we talk about our favorite types of bread and what to do if you notice that someone you’re dating has updated their dating profile. We then get our latest Breakup Song of the Week submission.  Our first caller is in an eight year relationship with her boyfriend, but knows that she’s a lesbian. She’s wondering if she should stick it out because of the child and house they share together, try an open relationship, or leave him and try to find a new life with a woman. Our second caller is going to a thousand person matchmaking event but is still hung up on her ex. They broke up for religious reasons, and shortly afterward he met someone new and is now engaged. We discuss how she can move on from that relationship in order to take advantage of this new opportunity. Our final caller is wondering how she can get over a one-sided break up with her long distance boyfriend who ghosted her and never spoke to her again. She’s sent texts and a physical letter, but has no idea what happened or why the relationship ended.  “That wasn’t fate or destiny, that was just a dumb coincidence.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Betterhelp - This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/VIALL and get on your way to being your best self. Skylight Frame - Now, as a special Mother’s Day offer, get 10% off, up to $30 off your Frame when you go https://www.SkylightFrame.com/FILES Drizly - Drizly is the most convenient way to buy beer, wine and spirits, with delivery to your doorstep in under 60 minutes. Download the Drizly app or go to https://www.Drizly.com Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell

what's going on everybody welcome back to another incredible episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm nick joined by the household of Allie, Amanda, and Derek. How's everyone doing? What's going on? What's new? What's groggin'? What's up, bitches? Hey! Derek? How you doing? So quiet. That was really quiet, Derek.

Lean into the mic. It's called quiet confidence. I like it. I have loud insecurities that's true yeah i'm good though i'm good i'm excited for another week because yeah i'm just excited for this week there's a lot in store yeah we got a couple love is blind contestants uh coming up. Marshall? Micah? After last night's live reunion, which we don't know how it goes because we are recording this in advance, but

Micah and Marshall will be with us this week, both tomorrow and Thursday. I don't know which one we're going to drop first. We haven't done the interviews yet, so we will see, but they will be here. It'll be wild.

We also have another update special for you coming out when this week? Friday on Vile Files Plus. And this episode's awesome. The first caller is just a wild story. So the episode that we'll release will have two updates. One of them is from this first caller. Oh, we have another update. But yeah, it's wild.

It's wild. I screamed when she emailed me this update. It's true. She was in the office. I literally like, I'm not exaggerating. I screamed. It is. Oh, boy.

Anyways. So if you think our first caller is wild, just wait for the update on Friday. And if you want to hear the update, you better be on Vile Filesile files and if you haven't signed up for vile files plus yet uh it's a seven day free trial so go ahead and just sign up and if you don't absolutely love what you see then you know decide to leave us but it's rated amazing and awesome and no one does it's rated uh certified fresh 100 100 yeah the most freshest tomatoes so be sure to check that out we also have episodes of better date than never behind vile files plus we have a pop culture uh extra available uh we have you know the conversations with my exes in the basher talking about recapping my season we have some rom-com recaps

like the notebook episode one of my favorite episodes ever recorded and coming soon once we hire our new editor we'll be doing episodes of Vanderpump Rules recap it's gonna be awesome can't wait so be sure to check that out

alright what do we get into before we get to our callers yeah I want to get into something that is near and dear to my heart. Say what you want to say. Bread. Yeah. I want to know what your favorite kind of bread is. And I'm talking like sourdough, focaccia, ciabatta, baguette, like a very expansive, specific list of bread. Baguette is my go to sandwich one.

And if I had to pick anything, I guess, I suppose, a nice flaky, crispy baguette. English muffin for breakfast. English muffin is an incredible single-serving type of bread because it keeps really well. It'll last forever. It's perfect as a bun for a hamburger. It makes a great hamburger bun.

You put some butter on it. Have you ever had an English muffin? Yeah. It's why I don't like McDonald's breakfast.'s breakfast like when does lunch happen give me a fried chicken oh my god you have disgusting taste buds uh how can you not like an english a buttery toasted english muffin i think because they're a harder texture so if you like a more like chewy bread I would take a biscuit over. Biscuits are great too. Oh, biscuits are good. Are biscuits bread though? But they're heavier.

They're heavier. They're less. Is a biscuit a bread or a muffin? They're more fickle. The English muffin, again, for a single serving person, incredibly versatile. I'm just saying. Like dinner bread. Yeah.

What do you pick from the roll baskets? A good focaccia bread's good. Yeah. I also like sourdough for like a sandwich bread. Yep. Or breakfast bread is really good. I like the like stanky sourdoughs. No.

Like the like sour ones. Stanky, she says. It might be bad, but we won't know until I get sick. But they all have to have- They're like fermented, like strong sourdough. There has to be a flakiness usually to the bread that I like. Unless focaccia. I don't think.

Do you like rye bread? Chewy. I don't mind. It's not like a go to. Rye bread is the brown bread, right? Yeah. I like a pumpernickel now and then. Oh.

Yeah. I don't hate a pumpernickel. The fucking black sheet of the bagel basket. I'm not a bagel fan like you are eight percent jewish nick i i i don't dislike bagels but they're definitely on the bottom of my list but i like a good bagel sandwich don't get me wrong but it's you know like yeasty boys bagel sandwich it's great where did we get bagels from that you and i split the cheesy jalapeno one?

Yeah. If anyone wants to see the video of Amanda and I eating a bagel, the same bagel at the same time, let me know. I would rather have a donut. And bagels and donuts have equal amounts of carbs and sugar. I mean, I don't know if I think that, but like their bagels are like. It's the same shape. They look like a healthier option, but often aren't. And if that's a consideration for yourself to eat the donut, I had donut as like it was like a fried chicken sandwich.

So it was kind of like chicken and waffles. But instead of the waffles, it was like donut. It was out of this world. It was so good. Oh, pop off the comments. Go to bat for your bread. There's also so someone who wrote in with an ask Nate question that I thought was very interesting.

So this person had met someone on a dating app they were excited about. They've been dating for a couple of weeks now, like good progress. They're taking it slow, like in a reasonable way, feeling pretty pleased with how things are progressing. And so this person who wrote in was going to show their cousin a photo of this guy at easter yeah and went to like pull up his hinge and saw that he had changed his photo so he's still like yeah certainly active on hinge confirmed active do we know how many dates they've been on just a couple weeks because that could be one date that could be five dates

we don't know hard to know oh it doesn't matter though it's only been a couple weeks because that could be one date that could be five dates we don't know hard to know oh it doesn't matter though it's only been a couple weeks so if they've nick was on the edge of a monologue and i was like go if they've been out 14 times that's i would just be like whoa calm down but you know they haven't defined anything there's no expectations and like yeah like people in this people don't just run off the apps and maybe he's just feeling himself. He likes a new picture. Okay, so let's say you're the guy, right? Would it be fucked up of me as I'm dating someone, I'm still on the dating apps,

to unmatch with this person who I've been on a few dates with, like want to keep vibing with? Unmatch with them so that way they don't know that I'm changing my photos. My farters. My farters if i went on and saw that i was still actively going on dates with someone and they had unmatched me from a dating app yeah immediate red flag yeah i think there's a funny cutesy way for you to like bring this up as like a kind of way to like tease them i feel like i really like your new uh yeah profile picture yeah good you look really good, you like literally you could text a screenshot and be like, nice photo. No, that's a little aggressive.

No, you're just in passing. My jokes are just hate. No, Allie, you are so effective at conveying what you want to convey. Yeah. And not what you're trying to convey is what the fuck's going on here. Yeah, correct. Subtlety is not your strength. Nor does it need to be.

I think in this situation, you should be subtle and not attacking because they don't owe you anything. You're not boyfriend, girlfriend. You've been on a couple of dates. You haven't defined anything. You met on the dating apps. It's going to come across a bit strong, but you can be playful and be like, gotta say, really enjoyed your new picture

on the apps and you know you say it like lightheartedly and just kind of tease them a little bit like oh you know and they get a little defensive and be like i'm just giving you shit man like but i have really enjoyed hanging out with you like uh you know maybe it's an opportunity to find a relationship i don't know you know dating apps is one of those things where we live in a world with social media where there's just a lot of information we we are privy to that we shouldn't be privy to yeah you know like knowledge is not always power knowledge can be over stimulation and it's like well i didn't update my photo like well maybe you just don't have a photo to update but like what if you did what if you got a banger of a photo oh god and you're like would you not update it see what other fish i can catch with this you

went on two dates with a guy you like kind of like true yeah oh it's great when you take one of those bangers i feel like it always for me it comes at the most unexpected times because i'm really awkward and at posing and so it's always like a surprise on a night out a friend will take a picture and i'll be like oh my god by god this is the one nice photo of the year there we go it's going up. Yeah. I don't know. I just don't think it's that big.

So what did they do? What are they thinking? They're saying, I don't want to chase someone who clearly doesn't seem satisfied by me, but is changing hinge photos, giving that message. I think it's also very, very early. It's early. Yeah. We all want someone to like fall head over heels in love

with us all while we want the flexibility to be super patient and like take our time making our decisions i feel like dating apps are like the bachelor like say more it's one of those things where it's like you're one-on-one and you get so like tunnel visioned on it and then as soon as you kind of see the parameters of everything else going on, then you start to get insecure, not like it. You know what I mean? It's more you look outside the tunnel vision. Then it's like we don't like the idea that you could be talking to a billion other people.

So we mentally are like, yeah, it's just one on one. Yeah. And any signs that kind of break that sort of illusion makes us upset. But if this person who wrote in is been on maybe a handful of dates and really likes them and was hoping that person was willing to prioritize them as much as they're assuming they would prioritize that person, then instead of just making an assumption that, well, they don't want me, just at least check it. At least use this as an opportunity to just check it and say, hey, and don't bring up the photo and just say, I know it's early.

I've had a great time with you, but like, I've, I've had more fun with you than I've had in a really long time. And I just want to see how you feel. And then, you know, knowing hookup culture and this climate, I'm like, well, you know, I'm not really really anything serious. Yeah. No, but it's fucked up now how people have a confused checking in and asking what are we to saying what you want to be yeah like it feels like people are like well i can't have this conversation with them

because then they're going to think i'm angling for a relationship or they're going to think i want xyz maybe you are yeah and that's allowed to that's fine you know i mean i mean i want a relationship someday but i don't want to act like I want a relationship with you. So, super chill. So cool. Yeah, I think we need to stop. Yeah, information isn't always power. And, like, stop stalking people. And I know it doesn't sound like this person stalked, but, like, they just updated a photo.

And, yeah, they didn't immediately get off the apps when they had a date with you. You know? And neither did you. So. You know? So, it neither did you. So, you know, so it's totally fine. If nothing else, use an opportunity to check in and just don't ask, what are we? Just say, tell them exactly how much fun you've had with them and let them know that you hope you feel

they feel the same. Absolutely. Do you remember a little while back, we asked people when you were going through a breakup, what's a thought that you had that felt so real at the time? Like you thought you would never get over it, that you now look back on and are like, this doesn't have power over me. And I wanted to highlight one because I thought it was wild. So one person commented they met a guy at age 17, both working as camp counselors, did long distance for five years, got married at age 22 on the beach of the camp where they met. Then they were together for 11 years and everyone thought they were perfect then as a senior camp director he age 34 cheats on me with a 20 year old counselor so if this person could get over that because that's fairy tale that's some real rom-com fairy tale yeah and then they both went back and worked at the camp and like made it their life purpose it was their career like 20 year old 20 year old

so if this person could get over that you can get over your listener you can get over anything uh but if you're having trouble getting over it a breakup let's say you want to listen to some music to help you feel better. Breakup song of the week. Breakup song of the week. I feel like we need like a somber piano version of the pew, pew, pew for breakup song of the week. So the song is These Tears by Andy Grammer. The person wrote, friend of show, friend of show.

Yep. Shout out, Andy. So they said, I just listened to episode 550 where there was a girl dealing with a breakup for 10 months. She kept repeating that she was, quote, trying to get over it. I'm currently healing from a breakup as well. And the best advice I received from my therapist was you're not trying to get over it. You're trying to get through it. That has been something that really stuck with me and helped me get through. I think this could be useful for a lot of people dealing with a breakup. To me, getting over it has a little bit of a negative

connotation and puts the relationship in a bad light. Getting through it means I'm honoring the relationship, but the breakup happened. There were no that we are no longer together, and it's about moving forward, taking it one day at a time. I wanted to share it because it definitely helped me, and I'm hoping this will help at least one other person. In the spirit of breakups, I wanted to share a song to add to the list. These Tears by Andy Grammer. It's my absolute favorite. The whole song is amazing, but the line that I resonate the most with is,

These tears mean I'm letting go. I'm learning how to be alone. I'm broken, but give it time. I'm going to be all right. Love it. All right. Love it. All right. Well,

let's get to our callers. They're wild today. Don't forget to check out Vile Files Plus. To do so, just go to vilefiles.com. Real simple. You just a couple of clicks. You can listen to Vile Files Plus the same way you listen to the Vile Files, assuming you listen to it on an audio platform. For all our YouTube watchers out there, you can still sign up for BioFiles Plus. You just can't watch it on YouTube. Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions.

How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Michelle. I'm 30 years old. How can we help, Michelle?

So I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past going on eight years. But I think more than likely, I'm probably a lesbian. Okay. I guess let's ask the obvious question. Why do you think that? It's not even thinking. I just know. You just know you just don't know how to explain it you know so it's not even a question you're not even have you ever been with a woman before so prior to this relationship i was seeing a girl for like a brief period of time but nothing significant okay um like a month ago does your boyfriend know about that yes he does we're actually still really good friends with this girl does he know that like well he thought that like it was kind of just like a i would have been like 20 college college phase it was like a whatever

gotcha um so you know you're not here to figure to figure out, you're not asking for our help on whether you are or aren't a lesbian. So I guess what is your question? Like, how do you deal with it with regards to your boyfriend? What's the, I mean, because like, if you are a lesbian, you're not, and you don't believe that you're bisexual, You think you're really just more into women. So I've always identified as bisexual. Like even he, I mean, again, I don't know if he thought I was serious, but I did like come out to him a couple of years ago and say as much. Okay. years ago and say as much okay um but how this all came about why i wrote in was and things have kind of changed since i wrote in so i will uh fill you in on that after but we were sitting at home he was having a couple glasses of wine that's when he says what he's really thinking as most do. And he basically just came right out and said that he thinks that I'm a lesbian. And that that's kind of the reason that he hasn't proposed to me yet. Oh, because a lot of people in our lives are like, why aren't you guys getting married?

You've been together for eight years. You have kids. You have a house, blah, blah, blah. And he kind of was just like, yeah, like, I don't want to be, I don't know if you guys watch friends, but like, he doesn't want to be Ross and just like end up. So you, you two have kids together. Yeah. So I have a son who's 11 with someone else and then we have a year and a half year old together. Okay. And what did you say to him?

The reason I wrote in was I was really taken off guard because I was like, oh, shit. Like, what makes you think that? Blah, blah, blah, blah. And he was like, our sex life's basically non-existent. You know, all of, I mean, he's not wrong. So he's valid and i just kind of froze and and i should have taken that opportunity to be like yeah but i was like i can't believe you think that like panic sure sure and kind of just brushed

it under the rug because i'm like what am i? You know, like, is it just possible to just continue on going on with the flow? Like, I mean, I think anything's possible. I don't know if it's recommended. Well, and that's what my initial, you know, writing in was like, what do I do? Basically, is it possible to just carry on? Like, I do love him, but it's not in like a, I don't know how to really explain it. I'm happy, you know, but it's like, like a i don't know how to really explain it i'm happy you know but it's like i know this to be true and now he has expressed it to be a concern i feel like it's a

good sign that he said this right yeah and since i wrote in yeah i'm gonna update you since i wrote in what has happened so when he said that to me i just like was ruminating on it and then i ended up taking a trip with one of my friends we went to cuba like we had a blast whatever i had a lot of time by myself to think so when i came back i was like should we talk about that conversation that we had? Like, just wondering if you still like are thinking that or and he was like, Yeah, I don't know. Like, I was just drinking and getting all in my head and paranoid. Like, don't worry about it. And I was like, Well, maybe we should talk about it. It might be worth discussing. And he was like, okay. So he said, you know, like, I love you. I know I want to be with you. I want to marry you, like all of the things. He's like, but I

understand that this is a part of you that you haven't had a chance to like explore in terms of like sexually or like, he's like, is that something that you're gonna need to do for yourself and i'm like kind of but like i don't know how that works like am i just creating problems in this relationship that didn't exist before i don't know like i listen i i'd like to hear from the girls as well nick i love your advice but i think this requires oh sure a community effort i mean i was gonna say have you talked about couples therapy but not necessarily to I love your advice, but I think this requires a community effort. I mean, I was going to say, have you talked about couples therapy, but not necessarily to save the relationship. We're in it.

We are in couples therapy. You are? We go regularly. Okay. How long have you guys been in couples therapy? We haven't been back. We haven't been back since I've been back from my trip. We are actually going tomorrow morning.

Is your therapist aware of this no okay maybe tomorrow like bring up the fact that you guys had that conversation like in the starting the launching off part of that conversation is like hey this happened the other like you're telling us like we were drinking he said this thing i got defensive and I was caught off guard. And I denied it, but it kind of, I guess, I don't know, triggers the right word, but it really made me think about this. And it's been something that has been on my mind for a while. And I'd like to bring it into therapy. You know, can create it.

And I say that because you have kids together. And it seems like there is, no matter what together and it seems like there's is no matter what happens it seems like there's there's a lot of love between you two and a mutual respect and this seems to be like as far as the relationship goes between the two of you just you know i guess an unfortunate reality but it doesn't mean the fact that you have a child together you will hopefully be in each other's lives for a very long time for the next at least 17 years plus. And regardless of what happens, and let's say the relationship ends, you know, hopefully there's a mutual respect and maybe this couples therapy can be a great place where you guys kind of build the framework of what that could look like uh because obviously

this is going to be an emotional conversation for for both of you uh and there's a lot to unpack here um and i think it's amazing that you guys are already in couples therapy amanda you were gonna yeah i was just gonna say i think it's really important to be in an environment where you can you know not to sound cheesy but be who you truly are you know and I just think in any situation I think a lot of queer people have had the experience of being in a situation where that was not feasible and it always comes out sideways it's always some kind of like suppression or just like it's not I think it's not setting yourself up for success in terms of like being able to have open and honest dialogue with yourself if there's a huge part of yourself that you view as inconvenient. And I think so often when we talk

about being like surrounded by people who are supportive or like no homophobes. But in this relationship, like your husband or partner could be like the most supportive, kind person in the world, but you would still be forced to be in a heterosexual relationship when you are a lesbian. And so I think maybe just giving yourself permission to prioritize like an authentic situation and authentic being a situation where you feel genuine, like attraction. And, you know, maybe you think about like what a relationship means and co-parenting and sexuality, you know, maybe you think about like what a relationship means and co-parenting and sexuality, you know, and maybe you kind of do like this custom, like, do we want to be involved

in each other's lives and certain capacities and not in others and like set boundaries. But I think it's really important no matter what, that you have like full ability to explore and do what you want without feeling a sense of guilt or without feeling like you're ruining things. I haven't, I left this out, but I will tell you, we did have a conversation where he asked me, like, I support you and understand that, like, you haven't had been able to experience and explore the side of yourself. And like, we've been together for almost a decade, like prior to that, like it was almost like compulsory. Like I was with men, I was supposed to be with men like my whole life. And then I'm just, I think I turned 30 and I was just like, what am I doing?

Like, I don't know what's going on here. Like, how did I get here? But, um, he's, and I was like, well, how do you mean? Like for me to explore that, like go off and just do my own thing with women. Like that's, I don't know what you mean. So we had a kind of like a chat about that and have opened up the possibility of not having an open relationship, but somehow figuring out a way to do both.

I don't know if it's crazy, if I'm complicating it because i at the end of the day i don't even necessarily want to break up because i do like my life i love you know i love my house i love him i love my kids like everything's great in my life i don't want to cause problems where there are none but i understand what you're saying that like this is gonna fester and probably become something yeah like right now you know he's been you guys been with each other for a better part of a decade he loves you he cares about you he he feels it too he this whole like hey i want you to explore this he he still has the mindset of i'm trying to salvage this because I love her and I

want to be with her and I want to marry her. And I want to be empathetic. So I want to give her this freedom of exploring these other relationships so that ultimately, hopefully she can come back to me. You opened up the call with, and then continued by saying, you know what? I'm a lesbian. I know I'm a lesbian. I've done some soul searching. And at the end of the day, I'm not bisexual. I'm a lesbian. If you deep down, you think you're a lesbian or you know you're a lesbian, then despite the love between the two of you, despite your happy little life, as you suggest, I feel like the best long-term path for you guys is to not be in a romantic relationship because you are a lesbian you know again you're not bisexual you know it seems so simple yeah and

you you're only 30 you have your whole life in front of you and he also deserves to be with someone who is attracted to men who wants to make love to him and have sex with him. And he might not feel that in the moment because there's such a bond between the two of you and he hasn't really imagined a life without you. And that's why I think it's amazing you guys are already in couples therapy, because again, I don't think this is about couples therapy

to save the relationship, the romantic relationship. It's about couples therapy to save the relationship the romantic relationship it's about couples therapy to save the relationship as it relates to you guys being co-parents and being in each other's lives and allowing him to heal and allow you to heal because there will be pain and there will be triggering moments but a therapist could really help bridge some gaps and hopefully help avoid some things that, you know, could be said out of anger or regret or, you know, and just some understanding. Because he does seem, you know, he's not going to be caught off guard. You know, he does care about you.

And so I think you owe it to yourself. And I think you owe it to him to start being more honest about your true feelings about your sexuality. I don't know how comfortable you are with that, but I think it would be okay to go to couples therapy, bring up the conversation you had where he said that

and maybe in couples therapy might be a great place to just be honest and say, the more I think about it, the more I think I am a lesbian. That's going to be a lot for him to soak in, and you're going to have to process that. But from where I stand, it does make it more complicated for you guys to pretend to do this whole, you get to try things out and have this kind of messy open relationship because you already know the outcome you know how you feel i also think like the very idea that you would be able to try like as a bisexual woman like there's plenty of like queer women who don't like there's plenty of

lesbians who don't even want to hook up with bisexual women because of like having negative experiences with like you know bisexual women like switch it you know ultimately choosing male prioritizing male partners over female partners because of the way it is like societally baked in and more acceptable and so i think this idea that like you could explore is also like it would probably be really limited because i don't know how many like queer women would be comfortable like hooking up with someone who's already in a really stable partnership and living with someone. And so the reason that I would emphasize that is because I want to make sure you don't feel like you're picking the most expensive thing on the menu in terms of disrupting your life. That there's other menu items that would be more affordable and that could keep things the way you are. Because I think it's kind of like there's one menu item and then the other ones are just kind of like fake like plates with empty food, you know, like this is kind of like should you want to be in a position where you can truly like

explore your sexuality, be who you are, be who you want to be with? Like, I think that would really come in a time when you are romantically uncoupled. And granted, maybe you could, maybe you can make it work if you werepled. And granted, maybe you could, maybe you can make it work if you were still romantically coupled and maybe you could find someone. But I just think it might be limiting and you already have so much to consider. And I would love for you to just be set up to be able to focus on yourself and like your own experience as opposed to having to like navigate the experience, like the experience and feelings of all these other people. That's a good point, because even if you were able to figure out some sort of agreement with your partner of a way for you to kind of

you know explore this side of you it's never going to be the exact same as you being single trying to find a relationship just being with that other woman you know introducing her to your life creating a life together you're always going to kind of have your current partner as part of that so it's just it's going to complicate things yeah it just feels really um overwhelming because it's not like i am like miserable and i'm like it's daunting and it's it's like this big thing it's just kind of like been a fact to me like i'm just like this is what it is like but i'm i'm i am happy i don't i think it's more daunting to me to think about selling the house that we you know saved years to get all the things that come with it like i already share custody with my oldest father to now share custody

with two like i'm not seeing like it's just like it's way too much for like because i'm okay and i and i totally get what you're saying totally but i just think you're you're not you're not thinking about the rest of your life. You're just thinking about right now. Because in the short term, this is going to get complicated and a little messy and difficult and inconvenient, even if it doesn't get nasty. But I just feel guilt about uprooting my whole life because of my kids. We worked so hard to get this house so my kids could have a nice house and they could have a nice yard and they could have and I

know that that exists in this alternate lifetime of mine that I could have it's not just affecting me it feels very selfish of me to just like change my my kids entire world because I'm like well I really want to be with a girl you know like it's like that's how I think of it it seems that's you being a mom and and and putting your kids feelings before yours and that's that's great that you have the capability of do that but I think there's a million ways to look at this thing and again I think it really comes down to I think this is like this is short term and long

term because in the long term i think you denying your feelings could be selfish to everyone too because it's you know again you pretending to be straight or bisexual is you know not fair to your partner in ways it's not fair to your kids like you know kids are smart they're intuitive they pick up on things um all the things that you're worried about um as it relates to what's going to happen if we separate you know you you don't really know until it happens like do you have to definitely sell this house? I don't know. Again, maybe, but if, if you're, if you are, your partner's goals are aligned where I'm really, we're both heartbroken. This is a reality because I love you so much as

a human being and I love our life together. But, uh, he wants to be with someone straight who wants to make love and have sex with him. You want to be with someone that you love and have desire to. And then the common goal is you have these kids. And if the common goal is, well, the family and the kids, you guys can still make that a priority. And so that's what I'm saying is like, you can have your cake and eat it too, you know, potentially, especially if you kind of go about this in a healthy way and you're, again, you're in couples therapy. So that's a step in the right direction. There, I feel like there is a path where once you get through the difficult

conversations and the healing and, you know, he'll have some, you have to work through some triggering ego things on his part and get the whole Ross Geller narrative out of his head and, or he'll, you know, have fun with it. I don't know. Hopefully he has a sense of humor, but you can, you can still have this man in your life who you as a person love and adore and cherish. this man in your life who you as a person love and adore and cherish and you have these kids and you know i don't know maybe you know you're not leaving them for another man i don't know how he feels about that you know maybe that could be easier for him i don't know but you know rather than like and so you can still have the how you know i don't know what your desires are for this family but i think there's a lot of scenarios in which you can very much still keep the family dynamic fairly close to what it already currently is. Hopefully he's as eager to protect the family as you are, but if he is and your interests are still aligned in that department i i think

um there's a lot of optimism and i guess what i'm saying is don't stress out about things until you know you have to stress out about them i know that's much easier said than done um but the point still remains um that i think future you and future him, I feel like is going to be far better off with the truth rather than trying to continue to live this lie. And I don't think either of you in the long term are going to be able to keep this going very long. You both deserve more than what you're receiving

in this relationship. You both deserve more than what you're receiving in this relationship. You both deserve better. And the longer you live a lie, the increased chance for resentment and frustration and confusion and projection. And that might ruin this dynamic that you've been able to keep going so far, but I feel like honesty gives you the better chance of maintaining what you cherish so much rather than continuing to deny your true feelings, if that makes sense. Right, and I think that, I mean,

not only because he said as much, but I think he knows. I don't think it's going gonna be like a shock or anything i think he does deep down know my fear is that he's gonna try i just know him he's gonna try to be like that's okay like because you love me like we can you know, which is kind of where I was at. I'm like, I do love him. That's where the couples therapist I think comes in.

I mean, I would, it's couples therapy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I would just sit down. I don't know what he has to talk about,

but I would say, Hey, something happened the other week. We were drinking and like, like, like you told us the story, you know? Yeah.

Like just kind of come out and just, he said this thing and I would, I would just like you told us the same story, acknowledge that you got defensive. You were caught off guard. You denied it, but it, it sat with you and it really made you be more honest about where you are. And you're starting to think that, you in fact i i'm pretty sure i am a lesbian and it's a great way time to compliment him you know to be like i respect his opinion so much this is someone who knows me so well so it was something i really sat with and to be like

you were right just to because you know like breakups are difficult on the ego regardless of the factors and so like taking it as an opportunity to kind of like highlight and celebrate the ways that like you know he was on it and he knew you and to uplift him a little bit knowing that there's some unknown stuff to come so i would just start there and then you know really let your therapist kind of take the reins from there i don't know i'm optimistic for you that while the short term, I'm sure, feels very daunting and confusing and scary, and that might include the next couple years, but you are only 30. And two years from now, well, that might feel like a really long time. You could be sitting with a really great co-parent and your current partner where there's still a lot of mutual love and respect and you know and you're happy for him because he's found a new girlfriend and he is now no longer afraid that his partner is is into women you've had some great you know

experiences with some women you feel you know more yourself you feel more honest you just feel like the world has opened up for you and, and you're just a generally happier person. And while maybe you haven't found your life partner yet, you still have your children and this, this great man in your life still, because you know, you're, you're able to build a new relationship with him. Cause that, you know, I think that's the focus. Like, and that's why I kind of hope that you guys stay in couples therapy because I hope you build a new relationship with him that is not sexual and has a lot of different boundaries and expectations, but a relationship nonetheless.

And I could just easily see a world where you're just a much happier person in just a couple years from now. Okay. Well, thank you, guys. Good luck. I'll start there. I'm going to try not to spiral like I have been and thinking about all the daunting things.

I'm just going to go tomorrow and talk to her and talk to him and see what happens from there. I know it's easier said than done, but really try not to worry about things that you just don't know how it's going to play out yet. Because maybe, who knows, maybe there's a world where you guys are like, all right, we're not going to be together,

but I still feel safe around you. There's no urgency to move out. You guys could decide to stay in the same house for a period of time or, you know, I don't know, you know, like there's no real need to make some drastic decisions. Like no one's kicking anyone out of the house or anything like that,

you know, because like there's cheating or anything like that. So, you know, there, there's a lot of ways where this could, this transition doesn't have to be as daunting as you're worried. It will be, I'm sure there to be as daunting as you're worried it will be i'm sure

there will be obstacles but you know face them when they come rather than stress yourself out about all the different ways things can go poorly yeah that i'm going to try to keep that outlook i think all right well good luck we're rooting for you thank you uh please keep us posted and let you know if if uh i don't know what's gonna happen i'll let you know i'm gonna email you later this week to hear how the first conversation went i'm gonna check in with you in a few weeks like we are so invested in you to be sick of us we uh we really want to follow this story like i truly want to have you on an update show like in two years from now uh and prior prior to that as well. But like maybe a few times, you know, this.

Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. And I'm sure there's people listening right now who you're connecting with and more than you realize and people who feel like they're in a very similar position. And if you're willing, um, to share this whole experience, uh, we would love to hear it. Yeah. I mean, that's how I came to this conclusion probably five years ago, stumbled on a random YouTube video of a girl got engaged. She was with him forever, exact same situation. And I was like, started thinking and I was like,

that sounds familiar. And then here we are. So I'll keep you posted and email me back because I need somebody to hold me accountable and make me deal with this. Don't you worry. I'm on it, girl. Alright, well we're in for you.

Good luck tomorrow. You can do this Amanda. I'm on it, girl. All right. Well, we're in for you. Good luck tomorrow. You can do this. And I'm very optimistic for you. Thank you, guys. All right. Take care. Nice to meet you. Bye.

Bye-bye. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Hey, therapy is important. Your mental health is important. And you should be investing it the same way you invest in other aspects of your life, like your physical health, your diet and things like that. I know it can be a little scary, a little intimidating to invest in that mental health or talk to a therapist,

but it can change your life for the better. And it certainly has changed mine. And the best part about BetterHelp is that they're making it super easy and affordable to do so because they are working with thousands, literally thousands of therapists across this great country. They're working with more and more therapists every day so they can ensure that they can find a therapist that matches your specific needs and your personality and then someone that can really benefit you. So whether you're worrying about money or you have relationship problems or maybe you just want someone to chat with, you could do it. It's super convenient, right? You could do it from your phone, your about money or you have relationship problems, or maybe you just want someone to chat with. You could do it. It's super convenient, right? You could do it from your phone,

your computer, desktop, tablet. You can do video chats, you know, face-to-face. If you don't want to do face-to-face, you can just do voice-to-voice, you know? They make it very easy to change therapists if you decide that the one they match you with isn't a fit for you at first. You guys could be talking to a mental health professional in as little as 48 hours. Just go to betterhelp.com. You take a quick assessment of the type of therapy that you're looking for, the type of issues that you want to talk about, and they will match you with the appropriate therapist. Again, if it's not a right fit, super easy to change. But if you have ever considered therapy at all and you've been putting it off, stop putting it off. Tackle those issues. Work through your problems. You will feel much better. Take the burden and weight and anxiety off your shoulders. And it's far more

affordable than in-person therapy. That's right. So discover your potential with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. Betterhelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L, betterhelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Guy Light Digital Photo Frames. Listen, it's always like we live in a digital world and we've really lost the art of hanging meaningful pictures in our house of our loved ones or maybe sending pictures of ourselves for loved ones to hang. You're always taking pictures on your phone, you put up on the gram, and that's kind of where those pictures kind of go. But start getting more of those photos in your house with Skylight Digital Photo Frame. It's

a sweet and meaningful gift that will give you a new way to stay in touch with those you love. I wanted to get my grandmother a really meaningful Mother's Day gift because she's just one of the most thoughtful people I know, very hard to buy for. And in her entire apartment is covered, every surface is covered with picture frames of her family like it is her pride and joy. And so I was so excited about Skylight because it was an awesome way to just give her a gift that I know she will love and be able to use effortlessly because all you have to do is email a photo and it will instantly pop up on the frame. So let's say I have a really fun time going on a hike. I can send a picture to my grandmother. It

will be right there in her living room. She can give me a call to chat about it. The best part is they have 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you do not love your skylight, they will offer you a full refund. Preload it with favorite photos for a special Mother's Day gift. Surprise them with photos they didn't even know you had. So get the loved ones in your life a magical, meaningful gift with a Skylight Frame now as a Mother's Day special offer. Get 10% off up to $30 off your frame when you go to skylightframe.com slash files. That's F-I-L-E-S. That's right. Get 10% off up to $30 off your purchase of a Skylight Frame. Just go to skylightframe.com slash files. F-I-L-E-S. That's S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-F-R-A-M-E.com slash F-I-L-E-S.

How's it going? Hi, my name is Sarah and, um, I am 27 years old and I'm going to a thousand person matchmaking event, but I'm still not over my ex. Okay. I mean,

I don't know. That sounds like a perfect thing to do when you're not over your ex. So let's hear a little bit about the ex and tell me why you're not over him so first let's start how long were you with him how long you've been broken up um about well i was with him for about a year and a half okay uh we ended things in november last november last november okay who broke up with who or we ended things last august and then in november i found out he started talking to someone else. So I completely cut ties with him.

Okay. Who broke up with who? Mutually. Okay. Broke up with each other. Who broke up with whom more? Who is it less mutual for? I guess in a sense, he broke up with me, though I started the conversation.

Okay. So you were, correct me if I'm wrong here and I'm just guessing but you felt in your gut something was not right you brought it up to him and and unexpectedly he was like well maybe we should break up. Yeah some version of that. I think he didn't want to break yeah he didn't want to break up because he kept saying like well I don't know what to do. Like, what should we do? And I was like, well, I guess this is it. Like, this is the end of it. What was the thing that made you bring up the breakup in the first place? We've actually had a few conversations about religion because we're both from different religions and um our culture and religion play heavily in both of our families lives okay and i knew that for me like i was not dating just a date i was dating to get married and if i wanted to bring him home i would have to be

100 sure that since he was of a different religion that like this was it okay and same for him okay that sucks and that that's a bummer it's one of those non-negotiables that you know doesn't really care about your feelings yeah it's like an external factor yeah but an important one, as you've, you both have decided, you know, it is, is important to you and that matters. And so I think you just, uh, have to accept your choice and, and stand firm in your choice. How, how important is your faith religion to you versus, uh, your families and then your desire to, uh, not disappoint mom and dad or grandma and grandpa or your extended family? How much is this decision based off of your specific needs about your faith or your community? I would say neither one of us were super religious. There's a lot of things about my own religion I still don't know.

So I definitely value it a lot. But I mean, my parents gave up a lot for me to be here. And so I respect that a lot. And I would love to give them what they want. I knew because I was so invested in this relationship, I think for me, I was ready to do both religions and see what outcome it would have on our parents and try to make that work. He was less interested? In the beginning, he tried to, you know, he was less interested in the beginning. He tried to, you know, be open to the idea. He would ask me, you know, like, how would this work?

Like, you know, our religions are very opposite of each other, which they are. I'm Hindu. He was Muslim. And so very big, strong religions and core values that were very opposing. So for me, you know, I just, I was like, well, we just want to be good people. So I think both religions value that more than anything. And he tried, but I think at the very end, he just said, you know, like in our, in my religion, like you can't believe in anything else. And so I don't want to raise my kids in anything,

but a Muslim religion or Islamic religion. And then he moved on quickly, sounds like. Yeah. So August, I went down there and we talked and ended things. And then we were still friends. We never spoke in the sense of like trying to get back together. But we valued each other as human beings, beings i guess just still cared about each other and then um one random day he texted me that he was um going on a trip with his friends

and i was like okay well you know you've had a hard week at work like i think this would be great and then he didn't text me basically throughout the whole trip had said, love you when he flew out. Um, and when he came back, he said, brace yourself. And I knew something was up cause he wasn't texting me back.

And he said that. And then he said, I flew out to actually meet another girl and I want to give it a shot. And then as soon as I read that message, I like cut everything off. Okay. I mean, it makes sense. I mean, like it's, you know, it's just, I think it's just a tough story.

I don't know. You know, I do think for, for your sake, I think you just need to see his moving on as, as some clarity, you know know because i think yeah yeah well you know the this this breakup can leave i think people feeling uh fearful of regret you know oh we didn't break up because we didn't love each other we broke up because our religions are in conflict and we we have to we can't be together even though our hearts want to be together you know that's i think the narrative it's very easy to tell ourselves right and then despite you choosing to break up your heart can still be very connected

because you're romanticizing the love and the passion it's just like oh you know it almost intensifies because oh we can't be together but we love each other and here you guys were still in communication still being considerate of each other you're you know worrying about his hard work a week hard work a hard week of work you're just you know he's telling he literally keeps telling you he loves you you know that doesn't make it easy to move on and then yeah and i had asked him too i was like you know if you do move on could you just let me know like i feel like it would be helpful for me and like i'm not saying like you know when you start talking to someone just like if you've

moved on because he had sent me a picture of like the pictures i had given him in the past and two weeks later that's when he flew out to go see her. So I was really in shock. And it's hard, but it did happen. And so it happening, I think, as hurtful as it might be to face, is still, I think, should help you not romanticize the what could have been. It didn't take him that long to move on, you know? So now he's engaged to her.

He's engaged. Yeah. So last night I actually, or two couple of nights ago, I don't know. I was on a walk with one of my friends and they said, you know, like if you,

cause I've been trying to like move on. And for some reason, you know, he just keeps popping up in my head. So they're like, maybe you should just like text him something. So Ramadan's going on. So I said, you know, like Ramadan Mubarak, like, I hope everything's going good. Like your family's doing well. Um, and I, he never responded. I think he like might've blocked me.

And then the next day, I guess he proposed and he, and I posted on Instagram. And one of my friends had saw that and sent it to me. And I was like, oh, my God. I don't know what inside me made me want to text him. And I mean, I kind of always wanted to, but I don't know why I did it that day. And then the next day he proposed. And I didn't even know he was going to propose.

Well, do me a favor and and don't like romantic like that wasn't fate or destiny and just a dumb coincidence you know i don't you know yeah um yeah what are you feeling like what is the hardest part for you to get over it i think because i had him on such a high pedestal and I like spoke so highly of him. I feel like I almost now don't know if I can like trust myself in like judging other people's character. What about, as difficult as this all has been, what about what's happened makes you think differently about his character? I know this has been really hard to face, but I haven't heard anything that makes me think less of him. In the year that we talked, so he was never, before me, he wasn't

looking to talk to anyone. He randomly slid into my Instagram DMs and then we just hit it off. And I told him, I was like, I'm a couple months older than him. And I told him, I was like, listen, like with my age and my culture and my community like I'm not dating just a day I'm dating a kid married and so like I don't want to put you in that position where if that's not what you're ready for like I don't want to hurt either one of us so I made him start thinking of marriage and we talked about marriage early on so it's like to me it's like you were ready to get married to me and then in less than a year or we broke up because of religion and then less than a year you're engaged to someone else so now i'm getting like maybe i didn't like i like it wasn't him it was like the idea of him maybe or like that's what i feel like

i just couldn't i didn't judge his character right yeah i'm still not hearing i don't think it's a character thing i'm not i just think i feel like i i could understand why you might even feel used a little bit but i don't think he used you you you were the inspiration for him to almost start thinking about marriage and a family you know and it was a big focus of yours. And then he became such a big part of your life. And so that was something you guys talked a lot about so much that you came to this very difficult point where you had to be honest with each other and yourselves about the role the religion was playing in your lives. And you made the very difficult, but probably wise decision to not drag this out and, and find a,

you know, try to not be honest with yourselves about how this could work. And, and you pulled the plug, so to speak, despite still being very much in love and having very strong feelings, but he very much probably missed that feeling of being in love and, and,

and community and, and, and the appetite for wanting to settle down and get married was still very much alive in him. So it is in no way shocking to me that he proposed to the first woman he connected with after you, who I'm assuming is probably Muslim. Yeah. That's one thing I did ask him. I said, I hope for your mother's sake, she is the same religion as you. Yeah. I just don't think, it doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong. It sounds like this is just a difficult situation for two people who cared about each other.

And he's on his journey to try to move on from a relationship that he had with you. And you're on his, and you're on yours rather. It's going at two different speeds. And for all you know, maybe you're just making the smarter decisions for yourself. I don't really know about him. Maybe this woman is perfect for him. I have no idea. But it's not a race. It really doesn't matter. And while I know it is affecting how you're feeling and processing, it really has nothing to do with your life right now. And it really has nothing to do with the relationship you had with him. No, I just want to, I just want to move on. Like, I don't want to, I just hate that now. Like, like, I don't understand what part of me like still is like thinking about him or like wondering things like why. It's human nature. You know, the, the, you said earlier, like you, because we do these things right you you said well how can i trust myself with other people because i trusted his character and i'm second guessing that and there's a part of you that's and i you know i don't i don't know if this is

helpful to you but i think maybe going forward i think you should trust you know i think it would behoove you or do you good to say you know what he is a great guy it didn't work out i'm sad and i'm disappointed and certainly he wasn't perfect and i have some frustration with him and how it handled but at the end of the day i dated a really nice guy and we loved each other and there was a lot of love there and it didn't work out and i'm really sad about that but but I do have good taste in character. Hey, you know, you took a risky move by investing in a relationship with someone you knew didn't share your religion, knowing full well that religion was a big part in both of your lives.

So the only lesson to learn there is, you know, if it's that important, the next time you meet a guy, either make sure you share the same faith or he is pretty open and kind of agnostic to religion in general and just kind of more willing to kind of subscribe to whatever it is you want to subscribe to. And you know what I'm saying? So that's the only lesson. And then, you know, so maybe you're feeling a little anger at yourself. Maybe deep down you're angry at yourself for knowing that and denying the truth and investing in this guy and catching feelings only to set yourself up for disappointment. So maybe there's something going on there that you're processing. processing i was willing to compromise so much in this past relationship that it's like now it's like okay do i still go in you know with because i know you know marriage takes compromise on both ends and every relationship takes compromise and it's like well now it's like on the new relationship

i feel like maybe i should not i I don't know how to compromise. Yeah, marriage is all about compromise, for sure. But especially when it comes to dating, our non-negotiables are important. Your boundaries are important. You know, your core principles are important. So, you know, where you live, your community, your family, your faith, you know, your belief system, you know, whatever those are core principles to you, those are the things you need to know and have confidence in and not bend on

in a relationship. If, you know, a lot of people early in dating, you know, because they want to connect with someone because they want to, they get lonely because they, you know, want to find someone, they will often bend on their non-negotiables and pretend they don't exist. Maybe that's something you did with him two years ago. I don't know. But you shouldn't bend on those non-negotiables or those boundaries that you know are really important to you.

The compromise comes in after you met someone and you're aligned with some of those core principle beliefs. There's going to be plenty of other things that you two are going to have to compromise on. And there's plenty of other sacrifices you two are going to have to make, even when you have shared religion and all these other shared core principles. There's plenty that you'll have to compromise on. But you just have to stand firm in what's important to you and then not try to convince yourself that, oh, well, it's not that important.

I'll figure it out later. You know, it's not a problem now. I'll just live in the moment, you know, and then worry about it when you guys are like literally talking about marriage. Yeah. Yeah. It's just a sad situation. But you're just you're living in the past a little too much. And I think you just got to try as much as you can to like just change your perspective and reframe your narrative in your head.

so try to stop questioning his character uh accept that this was a very difficult and hard decision that was rooted in love for each other he's moved on faster than you that stings a little bit if your ego's worried if he ever thinks of you let your ego know that he does i promise it's true and start being appreciative and grateful for what you did share even though write things down you know journal literally like things that you're grateful for things that you want to carry in the next relationship when you catch yourself ruminating about these kind of negative thoughts challenge yourself to stop and then immediately ask yourself you know what are you grateful for what were you grateful for what are you positive What are you excited about in the future? This event. This event's great.

And have realistic expectations as far as this event. You know, you're just going to go, you're going open. You're most likely not going to meet your husband there. But who the fuck knows? Try to have some fun and just be optimistic. As much as you can on this new on this, uh, uh, new date. Do not bring up the X. The most I'm allowing you to bring him up as if, if someone says, when was your last relationship? You can simply just be honest that it ended last August. You do not have to go into the detail.

You do not tell them the story about like well it ended in august but i found it in november you know no oh my last yeah no yeah yeah my last relationship it was a loving relationship we ultimately it just it didn't work out um if you want to bring up religion you know that might be a good opportunity to say to set up that very you know that very important non-negotiable for you uh you know He was very religious. We had different religions. Ultimately, we decided we both prioritized marriage, and we realized that wasn't in the cards for us.

End of discussion about the ex. Yes, for sure. Was this in any way helpful? Yes, it was helpful. I think the main thing i think i got it was like not putting self-blame on anything and like i mean i've always been grateful for my past relationships i've always you know taken like okay well what have i learned from my past relationships and i've definitely learned a lot from this one. Moving on is definitely going to be easier just by not

actively or like if I start to think about him, just shift my focus. Baby steps. Go to this event and start feeling good about your decision. You made the right choice for both of you. Start being proud of yourself for making the very, very difficult decision that at the end of the day for both of you was really compassionate and empathetic to your needs yeah i'm glad this did not drag on for like four or five years and it could have you know we yeah definitely well could have but i didn't because that conversation definitely came i think probably at the best time it could have yeah and this is tough well keep us posted on your progress.

We'd love to know how this, uh, what is it? A thousand person speed dating matchmaking. What, what's, what is this? So,

um, it's going to be 500 guys and 500 girls. Everyone like, I guess signed up. We did like a little Google form and wrote information about ourselves, like what we're looking for and like our background. And then they selected 500 of each sex. And then we're going to Chicago

and there'll be a two-day thing. There's going to be like a mixer and then a after party. And then the next day is going to be like a speed dating and cocktail reception. Love that. Sounds so much fun. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm excited. Like definitely never been to an opportunity like this. So just keeping an open mind. Well, good for you for doing that. I'm proud of you. I think it's very exciting. I'm excited for you. And we would love an update on how that goes.

I definitely will. And if you feel sad, try to, you know, try to, you know, let yourself be sad, but limit yourself and how long you let yourself be sad. You know, just like maybe, you know, pity yourself for 20 minutes, but, you know, say, all right, okay, now I'm going to change my narrative. Now I'm going to focus on the future focus on this event i'm you know whatever it is you have to do but thank you so much all right take care thank you all right bye-bye brisley the most convenient way to buy

beer wine spirits a with delivery to your doorstep in under 60 minutes. So whether you are staying at home on a rainy night and you don't feel like going out, but you still want that nice bottle of wine, Drizzly, or maybe you're at a party, Drizzly is there to make sure that the fun keeps going, and they will make sure they'll bring those wine, beers, and spirits to your door. Again, in under 60 minutes, you can send alcohol to a friend for a party that you can't make. Also, they have an incredible selection. So many different wines, spirits, and beers to choose from. It's kind of fun just how much of a variety they have.

You can really kind of surprise people with just the options that they have. The highest quality, it's a lot of fun, a variety of price ranges. So there's something for everyone. There's just no reason not to use Drizzly. It's incredible. I always price match on Drizzly. Especially if I have friends who I'm sending a gift to and for it to be a thoughtful, meaningful gift, it needs to be the exact brand of wine that I know she loves.

And the best part is I can just search that exact brand on Drizzly, get all of the different pricing options, pick the one that's the most affordable, and then boom, boom, boom, long distance gift. Yeah, I was at a birthday party the other week, and they literally ran out of beers, and I was like, guys, I have Drizzly. They're like, what is Drizzly? I'm like, let me show you, and everyone's been obsessed.

People are texting me about it, but like, oh my god, thank you for that. It's incredible. You too can benefit from the wonders of Drizzly. Again, the most convenient way to buy beer, wine, and spirits with delivery to your doorstep in under 60 minutes. It's the number one delivery alcohol app out there. Download the Drizzly app or go to drizzly.com. That's D-R-I-Z-L-Y.com, drizzly.com. No matter what moves you made last year, TurboTax experts make them count. Did you say no to a big wedding

and elope at the county courthouse? Well, that's a move. Did you go back to school and get your degree? That is a move. Did you relocate for a fresh start? That is literally a move. Maybe you moved into a houseboat instead of a house house or switched gears from rideshare driving to video game streaming or rode the stock market to the moon and back. TurboTax experts make all your moves count, getting you every credit and deduction you deserve. Filing with 100% accuracy and getting your max refund guaranteed. Switch to TurboTax. Make your moves. We'll make them count. See guarantee details at TurboTax.com slash guarantees. Experts only available with TurboTax Live. How's it going?

Hi, Nick. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Sophie and I'm 36 years old. How can we help, Sophie? So I've been sort of participating in a one-sided breakup for the past six months or so. And I'm looking for some advice or to talk through some ways to find closure within myself after having kind of no answers. What do you mean by one-sided breakup?

So I was dating someone for about a year and a half. It was long distance. He lives in Chicago. I live in New York. And it was great. It was wonderful. It was probably the most intense, passionate, loving, beautiful relationship that I've ever been in. And we would, you know, I would visit him whenever I could,

he would find me out for a couple times a month, um, and just participating in a very normal, very adult relationship. Um, and then as of June of 2022, so about six or seven months ago, he just disappeared off the face of the earth. And I haven't heard from him since. He totally just ghosted you. He completely disappeared. Like one day he was just gone. Yeah. I had gone to, I've been there a couple of times during the year last year.

And I had gone to, I'd gone out of town for a girlfriend's trip. And before I left, we were chatting, he had sent me some money and it was Vegas. So he said, Oh, here's some money, have some fun with your girlfriends. And the day I came back, I had tried to call him on my way home from the airport, like a normal, Hey, I landed call. And then he didn't answer it, went to voicemail. I really didn't think anything of it. And then the next day we spoke in the morning and it was, Oh, hi, great trip, you know, whatever. And then I said, well, I'm, I'm kind of busy with work. So I don't want to catch up because I've been out of town. So I'll talk to you later. And that was the last time I

had like spoken with them, like on the phone. That was June. And then very unfortunately, a week after that, my owner of my company, my mentor, my dear, dear friend, passed away unexpectedly. So obviously, I tried to reach out to my person, who I thought was my partner, for support during that really difficult time. And I got no response. I got nothing. Calls went unanswered. Messages went unanswered. They were being read on WhatsApp, but they were

being ignored, you know, sent to voicemail. And then finally, you know... So you were communicating via WhatsApp? Yeah, both WhatsApp, you know, text message, Face facetime um very very much in constant communication why whatsapp i feel like a lot of international people use whatsapp like it's not do you work internationally it's not a snapchat situation is what i will say yeah well i'm only asking because do is there any chance he had a life that you were unaware of? I don't believe so. And that might sound naive, but I don't think so. Just because I knew his situation going in when I met him.

He was in the middle of a divorce. He was not yet divorced, but they were fully separated. He had moved out of their house about three, four months prior to me meeting him and was in his apartment that he owns in Chicago. But it just, they were just in the middle of it and he was very, very transparent about that. He has two children, very, very transparent about that. I never felt like anything at all was being hidden. And he's also not an American national.

So that's probably why he uses WhatsApp as well. So I thought that was a little strange. I didn't really think anything of it. I mean, my friend had passed away. So then there were a couple of days where I was really kind of focusing on that. And I kind of had this feeling that, you know, if someone, I didn't think that there anything, you know, bad had happened to him. But I said, you know, if someone I know could just drop dead unexpectedly, maybe unexpectedly maybe this is what happened you know so I wanted to make sure he was okay so I reached out probably you know a couple a couple days later um once I kind of had a little bit my head wrapped

around um the death of my friend a little bit more and I said in a text I said I just want to know that you're okay and he replied to that text message and he said, yes, thank you. And that was the last I have heard from him. And that was in June. Have you tried to reach out more? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it took me a couple of days. I was pretty pissed. So it took me a couple of days to even reply because I just kind of couldn't process it and you know I said okay but you're not gonna acknowledge anything else I've asked or you're not gonna give me any respect in the form of a response um I think it's over I guess I have to assume that it is and that's why I mean what I mean by one-sided breakup I just kind

of had to assume on my own that it was over. Are you friends with him on social media? Is there any chance that he and his wife got back together? Yeah, that's the obvious question. Well, yes, the obvious question. And there is not a chance that they got back together because their divorce was finalized back in June as well. And that's public record. And that's the only reason why I know that is because of course I looked. Of course I'm looking this up.

Whatever the answer is, let's say you got paid to go to his wife or maybe he found someone new. Do you feel like that changes your outlook on the situation? I don't think so. I mean, it's still, at least would be a little bit more of an explanation. And so I think in terms of getting closure, I mean, I'm,

I'm someone who believes in therapy. I've been to therapy. I have the tools. I know, you know, what I need to do. I know what works for me and I've done everything. I reached out as much and I reached out as much as, as I could, as much as my dignity would allow, but honestly, after, you know, a little while, I was like, I can't do this to myself anymore. I have too much respect for myself. I wrote him a letter a couple months later when it was just really eating me away. And I sent it and I mailed it and I expressed everything I wanted to express.

And I got completely like no response back. And it's just it's very confusing and it's hard for me to move forward and find closure i guess because i feel like nothing nothing happened like that happened it wasn't like oh i someone cheated or somebody yeah moved away or something like that it was well you suggest that if he cheated that it'd been easier for you to move on um yes because at least i think at least i would have an answer at this point i don't really have an answer he he ghosted you that is something i mean it's a lot i mean it's like you you use the word cheating as a like as as something horrible he could do right you're implying that if you found out he cheated on you, that that, while difficult to see or hear or realize that he was doing, would allow you to see him in a different light and get appropriately angry so that you could say, I don't want to fucking date a cheater.

And despite the hurt, it would allow you to move on. That's kind of what you're implying. Yes, if I had something at least to go off of, because like I said, it's not like anything bad happened. It's not like we had a fight. It's not like it was going south. Well, there's a lot of people who walk on or find out they're being cheated on,

and it seems perfect, and you're not fighting, and you're blindsided and things like that, I guess what I'm saying is you do have something to go on. You keep saying, I have nothing to go on, and I'm just like, you do have something to go on. He ghosted you. He decided to completely dismiss your feelings, your mental health. He completely chose not to empathize with how his choices would affect you. It's a lot like cheating, you know, and he chose to treat you

this way and he chose to prioritize whatever his needs were or whatever the reasons behind his actions, those all came vastly more in front and above your needs. And that is something. This is the thing. Yeah, that makes sense. And I guess, again, what's difficult for me is that I have no answers. It just was one day and then it wasn't. And then of course you start to question yourself and you go, was it real? Was there something I didn't see? we choose, many of us choose to do what you're doing, which is trying to explain the ghosting and understand the ghosting, you know, and our ego kind of goes back and forth between, was it something I could have done or could have done differently, you know, and the hope that there is an answer allows you or stops you from seeing the ghosting as the action that you should use to get over the person who treated you this way you're you're looking at the ghosting as if you found out he was sleeping with someone else

and instead of just seeing the action of infidelity as i don't want to date a cheater it would be like you you are focusing your energy trying to figure out why he cheated or what was the explanation for his cheating, what drove him to cheat. And that's where your energy is going now when it comes to the ghosting. And I'm guessing that you realize if it was a cheating situation, how unproductive that would be, right? Yes. And you need to apply that same mindset to the ghosting. I think I'm still having the question in my mind of why this happened, you know, and what's the reason and what's the justification for it. And, you know, I have zero answers and, you know, at least having one answer, I don't care what it is, at least having one answer.

When you say you want there to be a reason, what do you want that reason to be? Like, let's say you could pick because you want one. And let's say I'm a genie. I was like, I'm a really weird genie. Can't really give you like money or world peace, but I can give you an explanation and it can be whatever you want. And that explanation will be the reality. you want. And that explanation will be the reality. I'll snap my fingers and he will reach out via text with the exact explanation that you wish it would be and it would be true. What would you want that to be? I think the least hurtful thing would be that

now that his divorce went through, that he has more time with his kids and needed to spend more time focusing on his kids and himself. I think that would be the most justifiable and that would be the most easy for me to accept. It would still be that would be the most easy. Like all of a sudden he's like, but like you would buy that. It's like, Oh, I couldn't acknowledge your existence and I couldn't productively end our relationship because I was too busy being a dad. productively end our relationship because i was too busy being a dad that would give you closure i think that would be the most uh you can't be mad at that it sounds like you're just hanging on to the idea of him and there's something about him you're hanging on to and you're weirdly not weird i don't want to use the word weird but like you're it's almost like you're trying

to protect the memory of him like who gives a shit whether it was because he was a good father or he's just emotionally more immature than you wanted to believe he was or maybe he's more selfish than you wanted to believe he was because that's most likely the real answer you know like you're you keep saying you're looking for a reason or an answer. And if I was a betting man, it's most likely because he was incredibly, he was going through a divorce when you met. And if I'm trying to empathize with him, I imagine that would be, that can be a scary time for anyone. And I imagine there could be a lot of insecurities and fears about being lonely or enough. He might have felt those things. And when we are struggling and afraid, we go ahead and go in this fight or flight mode. And maybe he was literally fighting for peace of mind you know or happiness when he met you and then he met you and it felt great and wonderful and in some ways you saved him but

instead of really appreciating what you did for him he was again continued to be selfish and was just like happy to feel like he was above water so to speak emotionally and then i don't know something happened or maybe he felt more comfortable and okay. But he still remained selfish and self-centered. And then at some point, your relationship became an inconvenience to him. And instead of dealing with that and handling that in a mature way, he decided to just continue to be selfish and hope that you would just go away. And that's a real jerk move. And it's, again, self-centered and immature and inconsiderate and thoughtless. And those are the reasons. And you are resistant to seeing those as reasons you're hoping there's a more you know

prettier explanation that will allow you to not think of him in this way that you seem to be resistant to and just talk convenient explanation yeah and listen like it sucks the the part the tough part is him doing this is going to fuck a little bit with your trust and going forward as you date, knowing that someone you loved and cared for could do this to you as a scary fucking reality, you know, it sucks. And I'm really sorry that you have to face that, but I think you can get through it. And I think you can communicate to the next people you date it's like yeah in the future just promise me if this doesn't work out let me know

yeah the integrity just let me know i promise you that i will like i might not i might be sad i might ask some questions but you know i won't freak out on you i won't i won't you know but just i i'm just i think you can work through insecurity. And it is a shitty reality that he left you with that baggage that now you are going to be forced to work through and talk with your therapist and friends. And unpack slowly. Yeah. But I'd rather you just accept that new reality of that's something that you might have to deal with, a little scar, a little baggage that you certainly can work through.

And I think you can certainly survive rather than trying to avoid that fear and that thing that you know that you're going to have to face, like that fear of trust. And instead of facing that and tackling that challenge and working through that, you're still trying to figure out a way to not have to have that fear. And maybe it's that fear of having that fear that you're trying to avoid have having if that makes sense you know it's like i don't want to worry about having this yeah it's like if he told me he was a you know he was focused on being a dad okay good then then i don't have to worry about trusting someone doing this to me in the future because there was a just there was a reason and there was a there was a righteous reason and therefore instead of like not being able to trust

people to like just walk out on me i you know i can almost be like a martyr i was a martyr for someone who was able to be a father to their kids and therefore it was worthy of my pain and you want to find a purpose for why you were hurting and a purpose for your anger and maybe there is no purpose other than he was just a selfish prick and every once in a while people disappoint us there's nothing you could have done to prevent him from doing this okay yeah i would agree with that i would agree with that as well that i'm i think i'm continuing to search for answers and analyzing it and you know having a gab fest with my girlfriends where we go oh what about this or you know what about this and instead and are you still doing that with the girlfriends it comes and goes like it comes and goes i mean i don't want to i don't want to feel like my time

was wasted i don't want to reflect on it like completely poorly like we had a good time we had a lot of fun i was we were very very connected we were very very intimate we had a very deep level of intimacy and trust um and I want to be able to reflect positively on that I want to be able to reflect on the positive changes that he did make in my life you know he made me feel very comfortable sexually very comfortable intimately like you know very very complimenting you physically that sort of thing and i've kind of taken that now and i've been like yeah you're right i am i am hot i do i do have it going on you know whereas maybe i didn't feel that um as much before in previous relationships yeah i do

i do want to take the things that were positive and that felt good and felt right i do want to you know keep those things with me yeah and i And I think you can. And I think it's just a little more challenging with him having hurt you and him doing this, but I think you can get there. But I think right now, I think you want to prioritize the closure aspect. And I think once you get that, then you can go back and then you can still say, well, yeah, I mean, like, well, I'm frustrated and mad at him. And ultimately, like I really wish he didn't do that to me. And there's a lot of aspects of him.

I now realize sadly that he wasn't the partner for me and he couldn't be everything I wanted and needed him to be, but there definitely was some good times and I am appreciative of this and I'm appreciative of that, you know? Yeah. Agreed. I do have one question. Do you think that it would be beneficial? I mean, it's, it's been, you know, about six or seven months. Do you think it would be beneficial? I just, do you think it would be beneficial for me now that I kind of have a little bit

of a different perspective to maybe try to reach out again? I don't, I listen listen i think if you do ultimately you'll be fine and survive and you'll get through it i don't know how you know but i think if you can find the closure you need without doing that i think that will serve you well because i think your reason for reaching out is still that last bit of hope that he will give you an answer that you're. That he will do right by you in some way. And I just don't think there is that answer. And the reason why he hasn't given you an answer, because there's no good answer.

Because if there was, he certainly would have tried. I think the reason why you're having such a hard time letting go is because you keep searching for an answer that quite frankly doesn't exist. letting go is because you keep searching for an answer that quite frankly doesn't exist. And you accepting that and moving forward and then doing those exercises based off of that mindset, I think will allow you to finally get over that hurdle. Fantastic. Thank you. Thank you so much. All right. My pleasure. Well, good luck. Thank you. Hopefully you're on the path, but I'm in favor of not reaching out to him. Yeah. I'm in favor of blocking him if you want to do that. Okay.

Okay. Just because I think it will stop you from ever checking in or you just know that you're closing off the lines of communication now. Yeah. That I have the control. And that's kind of what I- I think that could go a lot. I think that could go a long way. I agree.

I can try it for sure. Like affecting your mindset. Yeah. I'm definitely willing to try that. Okay. See it for what it is. It's a really shitty thing. Not an outcome for some other explanation.

He cheated on you. For sure. For sure. He violated your trust and he cheated on you by not living up to the expectations he set with you in your relationship. Correct. And he just did it by doing it, you know, instead of fucking someone,

he metaphorically fucked you over, you know, through that. All right. Sure. Absolutely. Okay. We'll take care.

Thank you so much. All right. Thank you so much. I love your book and congratulations on your engagement. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Thanks guys. All right.

Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Hope you enjoyed those calls. I told you they were wild. And if you want an update of our first call, don't forget to sign up for Vile Files Plus because we have a juicy, wild update coming out this Friday and more updates available dropping this Friday as well. Be sure to sign up.

It's a seven-day free trial. There's a bunch more amazing content behind Vile Files Plus as well. Check it out. This week, we have Marshall and Micah from Love is Blind on Tuesday and Thursday. It's going to be a jam-packed week. Hope you join us. Can't wait. We'll see you tomorrow. you