The Viall Files - E57 Ask Nick - Tardy for the Party

Episode Date: November 4, 2019

Fans call in and ask Nick sexy questions! We talk to a woman who has been doing a little too much internet sleuthing, someone who’s frustrated with her tardy boyfriend, our favorite 10%er Nate, and a woman who was told to do more squats. Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]! THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: NOEMIE: http://hellonoemie.com/viall for $50 off HONEY: http://joinhoney.com/viall BETTERHELP: https://www.betterhelp.com/viall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're crazy happy monday happy monday hey guys how's it going i don't know uh welcome to another episode of uh the vile files i'm nick this is rochelle hello here we are happy November Rochelle yes oh I love the fall even in LA well it's been so hot but I just like a good sweater and a good pumpkin spice I agree but you're from Arizona are you not oh yeah and so I grew up in Wisconsin so like when you had a real fall yeah yeah I'm not I'm just curious it was so stark in terms of like right from summer to fall like it was a noticeable difference and coming here it's like i i my parents will call me up like are you coming home for thanksgiving i'll be like oh shit it's thanksgiving like in a week

because this like the seasons i would i'll forget i was so used to like this considerable drastic change i still listen to local sports radio yeah and they'll like from from where i'm from yeah and so they'll do the weather and i'll be like oh man it's like 35 degrees and raining today and i'm outside running with my shirt off you know the whole city's on fire you still like you know that's 10 degrees of difference really really do it for me it's all relative. It is. The holidays are coming up, you know, the holiday blues. Holiday, you get sad during the holidays? I just, no.

I mean, it depends. I mean, for the most part, I like it, but. Yeah. What are the holiday blues? You know, people in relationships or they are sad, the expectations. So much expectations around holidays. Yes. Do you think people, and then christmas is sometimes the same

as it was when you were a kid that is sad right yeah you know yeah i think people a lot of people you've never heard of them i get sad on every holiday but i thought it was just me no i think it's everyone um so your halloween costume was a big hit it looked like pilot pete it played yeah the band-aid the band-aid good idea rochelle uh i got a text from one of the producers you did who said just move it slightly to the left hit up and it'll be totally authentic oh my gosh um yeah it uh did everyone get it at the party uh a few people yeah yeah uh it was like it was a great gift because it was so easy to put together right right so easy it costed like 30 bucks right um i didn't really have to change much

or apply makeup and at the same time was also a bit of a hit yeah women love a man in uniform even if it's fake i gotta say yeah they do indeed. Well, anyways, great episode today. A lot of fun questions. I think we really hopefully helped some people. Yeah. I don't know. Enjoy. So as always, sending your questions to asknick at castmediacastwithak.com.

Send us in your reviews. Check us out on Wednesday. Oh, really? This one. Good episode with one Kay. Oh, really? This one. Good episode with one Kaylin Miller-Keys. Yes. Better known as Dean's better half. Better known.

She's her own person. I'm just, but I said better half. Better half. No, it was a, it was a great episode. I think it was Kaylin's kind of first,

well, not really. We just got into it and, and not into it in a negative way, but she was very honest and open and vulnerable. Yeah. I really enjoyed the conversation. I was nervous the whole time.

Yeah, I guess I was. I, it's just like, we talked about like big subjects and, and I thought she was, uh, very vulnerable.

And I know like sometimes Caitlin has been criticized of not being real or whatever. I thought she was very real in our, in our conversation and I really like sometimes Caitlin has been criticized of not being real or whatever I thought she was very real in our conversation and I really enjoyed having her so I hope you guys enjoy listening check us out and until then enjoy this episode first and foremost and then check us back out on Wednesday

anyways let's get to it how's it going hi my name is alex and i'm 26 how's it going alex i'm well how are you uh i'm good thanks for asking how are you? I'm good. Thanks for asking. How are you, Rochelle? Good. Great. Alex, how can we help? So I'm calling about a specific situation that recently happened to me, but it kind of alludes to a more general question that happens a lot with women, I think. Okay. So let's focus on your specific and we'll get into it. Great. So around this time last year, I met a guy.

We hit it off, hung out a handful of times. The last time I saw him was actually New Year's Eve. It was his idea to stay in and hang out. And it was a great night. Thought after that it would become a little more serious. And then he told me that he wasn't looking for anything serious. So that was that. And then recently in August, he started reaching out to me again, asking to see me, take me out on a date. And at first it was like, no, I don't like this. It feels like a little desperate, but he was like really persistent and I really did like him and we had a good connection. So we went on another date two weeks ago.

It was great but now I'm kind of confused like what what like the motive is of like reaching back out after so much time how long did you guys hang out um how long were you hanging out leading up to the whole New Year's Eve overnight? Or was it an overnight date? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. How serious was that in your mind?

It was like two to three months since we like began hanging out. But we really only hung out maybe four times um but it was like kind of spread out over a few months um but after new year's eve i really was like well now i have a boyfriend okay um guess not was it a was it immediately was it literally like new year's day it was like listen here's the thing um new year new me and i need to be free of you or or was it like did it like happen you know a couple weeks later i yeah so what i like typically do is i like to go with the flow and like wait for the other person to like say like this is what i want so after new year's Eve he was the one who reached out first

and like he was really like texting me every day and then um I guess maybe like two weeks after New Year's Eve I like kind of realized he wasn't making um an effort to like hang out again so I was like hey let's hang out and he had an excuse and then at some point I was like, hey, let's hang out. And he had an excuse. And then at some point I was like, what is going on? And then he gave me the whole spiel of not looking for anything serious. So that was that. How old is he? 25. He said he wasn't over his ex, right?

Yeah, he did. We had this like really long talk about how he didn't think that he should date at all um even though i know he like dated after me so i mean sure but like when you say you know he dated him and he went out with i mean just not just to play devil's advocate i don't it sounds like you guys were somewhat serious you're're dating for a few months, somewhat regularly. It was progressing towards something. I mean, technically for all,

you know, he just casually dated for the past year and never really connected with anyone, you know, like didn't see anyone on an ongoing basis. I'm just saying like, someone can say, I don't think I'm ready to date and like move into a relationship,

but still like grab drinks with someone and have, sure, they could have, you know, they could, you know, that's as long as they're honest about where they are, it's possible. What was he saying when he jumped back? I think it was all casual. Yeah. After that. I only say that because I wouldn't take that, you know, like that. Yeah.

Like I know he did that. Now I feel like he lied to me. I mean, maybe technically not, you know, it's not like he didn't have to like break up with you and go to a into a cave and hibernation and deal with this this this breakup kind of thing um and he could have been honest with you by saying i'm not emotionally ready to move forward with this because i'm not over that past relationship it It could be a line. It could be legit. I mean, you don't want to be in a relationship with a guy who's still thinking about his ex. You know, you want him to deal with that. You know, I would. Yeah. Yeah. It seems really genuine. And we had like a really long conversation about it. So

things didn't end on a sour note. And once in a while like he would send me a meme or something so like it was not a big deal like my ego was hurt a little but so now that he's he he's backing your life he's kind of uh pursued you you you gave in so to speak uh because you like him you know uh what was that first date like was it filled did you ask him were you playing it cool like oh we'll see where it goes or were you kind of like um yeah i mean i like you but you know what's different uh i went with the flow as i usually do and i'm not the type of person to say like so where is this going and I'm kind of afraid of rejection in that way so I just you know went on the date and went

in with no expectations but it was really great like we went out for drinks and we were out for like six hours just like catching up and talking. And it was really refreshing and nice. Where are you guys? Where did you leave things now? Like where, how do you feel now? Where are the next steps with this guy? So I stayed the night with him. And the next morning he was like, I'm so happy we like met up again and then i like left

went about my day he texted me first and then during the next week he texted me saying that he was going to be away for the weekend but he wished we could hang out and he wanted to hang out the following weekend okay so he made plans and then he canceled. And now I'm just like kind of confused. So after he canceled, there was no like, oh, sorry, I have this very legitimate excuse of why I have to cancel. But also let's hang out at this specific date. He just canceled. Yeah. specific date he just canceled yeah well he kind of said like oh i would make it up to you but hasn't like really been like okay let's hang out this day or this weekend um how long

how long ago did he cancel how many days ago um it was not this past weekend but the following weekend or the prior weekend you haven't really heard from him since? No, he like Snapchats me all the time and texts me things and sends me stuff on Twitter. Like he's constantly in contact with me. Do you always reply? No. You don't always reply? No.

That's fine. No, that's great. Yeah. Why don't you always reply i'm just curious what your motives are um well i think he's like hanging out with somebody else like another girl what makes you think that well i know that over the summer he was like seeing somebody because him and his friends like ran a beach house so he like met a girl by the beach they hung out but i think it's kind of like overlapping now to like you know we're back to reality she lives in a different city but he i he definitely visited her how do you know so much how do you know that um well he like snapchats me frequently um so like i knew he was

in new york and i knew this girl was from new york but how do you know so much about this girl it's called research nick but i want to hear the pieces i want to hear her say how how good of research she is um i mean he's friends with her on facebook so i so you've done some light to heavy internet stalking um yes yes you've done some heavy internet stalking you're yeah of course it's okay to vet him out she's trying to figure it out definitely seeing somebody and like he's not like hiding it like i knew he was like there visiting that girl and i said something and he like kind of laughed it off but like still proceeded to like text me

and like all that stuff yeah um listen it's it's kind of back to the whole cool chick kind of thing we talk a lot about on this show. It is such a balance and a fine line between being chill, seeing where things go, not jumping to conclusions and expectations on the first couple dates with anyone, that's totally reasonable. That's totally normal. Totally reasonable and totally normal to date someone for a couple months without needing to define the relationship and asking what are we immediately. But there is that point. There is no... People will ask, well, how quickly can I define a relationship?

Well, that really is on you as long as you, you know, you have to be willing to get to know the person. There's no set date in terms of like, well, after two dates, you should define the relationship. But if you know that you are objective and that you can go on a date and you're not just falling for every nice guy, every guy who goes out to you who's kind of nice to you you know it's

like there's a lot of people do that just go they'll go out it's like wow we had a really nice time and i think i love them you know and then it doesn't work out and then you go on another date and then you you know everyone has this these friends and like well i had a really nice time i think i really like them you know it's they like everyone who's kind of nice to them. I'm not getting that vibe from you, you know. So if you seem reasonable that like this, like last year, it seemed like it was a very reasonable timeline and it didn't work out the way you had hoped and doesn't sound like you necessarily did anything wrong. Now, at this point, you said, you know, well, when you reach back out, I didn't really I wanted to play it cool and I didn't want to like at that point i think you have every right to say hey i'm cool i'm totally chill but at the same time like that's fine you you weren't over your past relationship that's fine but like he told you things in the past about why he didn't want to keep hanging out. So it's, it's totally reasonable for you to like hold them accountable for the things

he said in the past. Right. Check in. Oh, are you over your ex? You know, what's different about now? Like,

that's great. But are you just bored and you want to see me or like, you know, I don't want to, I'm, I'm comfortable. I am, but I'm also not,

I don't want to do what we did for three am but i'm also just not look i don't want to do what we did for three months and have it end the same way you know like there's nothing wrong with that and exactly and there is a balance between uh being you know quote unquote the crazy falling in love too fast versus saying well i know my self-worth and yeah if you really are serious about this we can seriously look into it and try to figure out if there's still something there. And there's such a subtlety between it. But I think a lot of it is just trusting your A, your gut. And like, if they're going to say something to you, you can hold them accountable for that. You know what I'm saying? Like,

he's talked about his ex he's talked about not wanting to be in a serious relationship those are kind of uh i don't want to say trigger phrases or trigger words but you know it's not as if you're two people who've gone on a couple dates and you went to the movies and you went mini golfing and now you're like i want to know what we are like that's not what this is you spent new New Year's Eve together, which is kind of a, it's a moment. It's a romantic. You do that with seemingly people that you're, you know, having feelings for. He asked you that.

That's a, it's a milestone. If you will, you're spending the night together. You're hanging out on a regular basis. That's totally reasonable. And then for someone to like have a conversation with you saying, listen, I don't, I know. I feel like you're liking me. I don't know if I'm,

I don't want anything serious. Oh, by the way, there's this girl I'm not over, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Like that's fine. He,

that could all be true. And he has every right to then do whatever he wants. He can have a bunch of sex, you know, for all, for all, you know, three weeks later,

after he said that to you, he could be ready to date again. Like that doesn't make him a liar that he said that. And you found out he was dating, but if he's going to pop back in your life, you have every right. And you can still be a cool chick and still say, great, awesome. I'm excited to hear from you. But like, I don't know, you seem like, I don't know if you figured your shit out, you know, and I'm willing to like, see, but just so you know, i don't i'm not here to just uh wait around for you you know i'm not i'm not here to just be available whenever you're available because right now he i know you've tried like you've unfortunately like being so cool

you've you've set this kind of uh expectation that you are very available for him whenever he wants. Oh, no. You know, he literally left for eight months, and he had to call you a couple times and beg a couple times for you to go out. You know, he didn't really have to, like, climb any mountains, so to speak, to, you know, beg for you back. And not that he did anything wrong to have to beg but you know it's such a nuance of but trusting your gut i i do think the fact that you are yep a little obsessed

with this guy uh and i say obsessed because and that's okay i've been there we've all been there we've all been obsessed with someone we've all been obsessed with more than someone so don't beat yourself up but when you start you know, stalking online. Putting the pieces together. Putting the pieces together. You need to take a step back because you can't possibly be objective about your feelings for this person and the fact that your ego was a little bit bruised. And when you start doing that, all you want is his validation.

And when you start doing that, all you want is his validation. And when you start like stalking and you start like trying to figure out who they're hanging out with other than you, then you are literally kind of incapable of holding him accountable to treat you the way you deserve to be treated in any given relationship. You know, because you're just at that point, your ego just wants to know you're better than her. You know, you want to know that like he's doing something with someone else and it's not me. And literally, honestly, if he showed up at my doorstep tomorrow, that's fine. I don't really care. I don't really care what was going on.

But he chose me over her today. You know? Yeah, that's actually very true. And also this girl is like also like six feet tall blonde like me. Don't go there. You know way too much about this girl. Like it's, you know, that's on you. You need to check yourself a little bit there.

You need to know when to say no. I mean, he's a 25-year-old guy. I mean, plenty of 24-year-old guys are ready to settle down. Many more are not. 20 to 24 hour guys are ready to settle down. Many more are not. So, you know, he just, he just might not be ready, you know? But you, you've gotten yourself into a little bit of a rabbit hole with this guy. Get out of there.

Yeah. I would take a step back and kind of take your power back in this because like you just know the things that you're doing. You can't be in a healthy relationship with this guy knowing for yourself that you've been kind of stalking this other person. You really can't. I mean, how can you objectively process your feelings towards him? Especially knowing that it's not as if like, you know, you haven't been really dating. You haven't been in a serious relationship, you don't have a history together. I mean, like a history, like, you know, I've been dating for a year and a half and we've, you know, you know, sometimes people call in, they're engaged or married. You don't really have much of a history with this guy. And so you're doing all these things for a person that you don't

really have much, I mean, you spent new year's eve together you know uh i i would give i would say something differently if this was someone who's just like we've been engaged and we have known him for eight years and you know i can it's still not okay to stalk someone else but like you know sometimes you don't have much and so that's on you and you need to stop that because you probably created an idea of this person that's you really have no idea you know i mean how do you what do you really know about this guy you know other than i'm sure you're very familiar with all his activities online uh and what he's been doing but you don't really know how he is uh and when things are normal and things are regular and things are

you know when you hang out when when you feel comfortable, you know, you don't know how he is. So I would stop waiting for him to text you. I wouldn't respond to him at all on Snap. I would just seem like, even though it's not going to be initially, like you have a lot of things going on that you're just too busy for him. You like him. He's great.

It's true, though. I am too busy, which is why I'm trying to figure it out. But you're making, you might very much have a lot going on, but you are making so much time for him. And I mean time in your thoughts and your heads. And you might have 12 hours of shit to do every day but you're not doing as good as you could because you're thinking about whether he's texting you or not and then when he does snapchat you're just like oh what is he gonna say is it gonna be good is he gonna make

plans what is it what is it oh he just like sent a picture of his like he's a selfie i don't know you know like you're you're really investing a lot of energy and emotion into him. And he has just all this power and he has all this control because you've given it to him. And that's fine. It's normal. You like him and that's okay. Take some back. Yeah, I think you just need to step away because any person you like, you need to like, ideally, right? And it's hard to do. But

any person you like, if when you start stalking, you realize like, well, I'm confused about how this guy likes me. So I don't know if he likes me. And I know I should know that someone likes me. And that's kind of like rule number one for me to invest me into liking them, right? Kind of thing. So you needed to stop that. And when you start stalking him online, you start saying, well, yeah, I'm choosing to do this, but it's kind of his, it's how he's making me feel that's causing me to do this.

So put the blame on that person that you're, you know, liking so much and saying, well, I don't, I don't want to like someone who makes me feel this way, you know? Yeah. And so kind of, well, I don't want to like someone who makes me feel this way. You know? Yeah. And so kind of, yeah. Focus. You are busy.

That's great. Focus on that stuff. Set it aside. Don't reply. Don't even open his snaps. Don't even open it. Got it. Don't even open them.

You know? Okay. If you want to fuck with them like every every five days open them all and don't reply you know just okay i mean i you really shouldn't fuck with you should just kind of move on but be busy push him away and then if he ever comes back you got to just be stop being cool be very honest about what you want and then really trust your gut whether he's just saying it because you're standing up for yourself uh or he actually feels that way and he needs to he needs to show you for a while but um he's probably not ready yeah he's probably not

ready all right okay you're gonna be great great thank you all right best of luck thank you so much all right yep have you heard of bread crumbing? Tell me more. I have not. Maybe I have. I don't know. But I don't know. It's where you like leave little, you know, like Hansel and Gretel, you leave the bread

crumbs. So that's like the snaps, you know, and the tweets. He's bread crumbing her. Yeah. He's keeping her on the path, you know, going along. But yeah. Don't forget about me. Yeah.

But is there anything at the end of the path probably probably not um i you know it's it i don't think this guy is some sort of malicious um fuck boy i think he might be in a bit of a fuck boy stage of his life yeah uh and that's fine you're saying we should forgive the fuck boys uh sometimes pity on them sometimes the fuck boys uh may not they have the best intentions okay again i'm not sitting here making excuse for the fuck boys or the fuck girls i mean it's kind of the same right but i think for the most part a lot of people you know in this kind of traditional society we all kind of have we all want to have the family and get married so to speak and right around that age of 25 26 i think most of us agree that it's kind of

that age when we were younger we kind of thought decided that that's when we were going to have the family right and then we don't and again we've talked about this before but i'm sure this guy likes her yeah and thinks she's great and and wants to settle down but he's probably not ready and he's kind of struggling with that and he's it doesn't make what he's doing okay but it is on sometimes we, you know, Alex here is hoping for the best and just not really. It's just like, come on, man. Like he's he's telling you and he you have to listen. And again, dating that first time sounds like everything she told us played a cool couple months.

It didn't work out. Totally normal kind of secrets of events. But then next time when he comes back yeah you have every right to just say hey i'm cool but like why are you here and don't sleep with them right away and start getting your feelings all worked up again i mean sure but i'm just saying i don't want to like judge her for that i judge if you like him i judge her more for just pretending that never happened and pretending for like not saying well okay fine are you over the girl you know are you available like listen if you want to hang out that's fine but i mean why do you want to hang out with me

you know because like oh i like you and i i'm open to see where this goes but not if you're just kind of checking in yeah and i think, I think that is totally cool. Especially if you do have a little bit of a dating history. Yeah. Just, you don't have to completely start over. It's not like, oh,

well we dated for three months. I haven't seen you in eight weeks. So now I get to start over again. Yeah. And now we get to have casual sex without expectation. That's not the case. Yeah. But I think sometimes,

you know, maybe guys will be hopeful for that. And then women will be afraid to say that. So if they've said something before, hold them accountable. There's no other statute of limitations on I'm not ready to date and then not being able to ask,

well, are you ready to date? Are you ready? You know? Yeah. Right? Yeah. Have you done that before? Gone back to a guy?

You know, like, you know, dated a guy. Oh, yeah. Dated a guy. He was like, oh, we're're not i don't know and then he pops back back in on my birthday and i was like he's back and my friend's like i don't think this is a good idea and i'm like no he's back i can't believe and you asked no question no question he did it again to me and of course yes you know i don't i don't i'm sure there's a great analogy here i can't think of one but when i do you know i don't i don't i'm sure there's a great analogy here i can't think of one but when i do you know i don't yeah of course that's be like whoa time out buddy yeah

slow your roll yeah nice to see you but yeah why are you here yeah you know why are you here why you're knocking at my door yeah oh no. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I am Stacey. I'm 27 years old.

All right. Hi, Stacey. 27. How can we help? So I wrote in to you guys. I have been with my boyfriend for three years he is 29 years old and we are basically a type a and a type b personality dating each other so who's type i i am the type a i am very much so a achiever, a very structured person. And biggest thing with that is timeliness.

So I'm extremely punctual. I find it to be the most polite thing. And I'm also extremely prepared. So if I'm going to an event or planning something, I think 10 steps ahead of everyone and know basically what everything is needed, what time I need to arrive somewhere. And I hate rushing. I hate rushing anywhere. So that's kind of where we're getting into a conflict between type A, type B. He basically works for himself. Entrepreneur, never had to work for anyone else in his life life so he can basically make his own schedule all the time he is kind of absent-minded in the sense of how long it takes him to do things so he gets to be very relaxed and it's good it's a good balance I was like someone that kind of chills me out

calms me down compared to my high strong energy and like my anxiety but showing up on time to an event together is becoming such a nightmare or even just showing up on time to a dinner reservation it becomes such an argument to get out the door on time um where it'll be like we need to leave in 20 minutes and people meet just you up jumping in the shower. So it just drives me absolutely insane. And I just find it really disrespectful to show up to places late. And he's like, we're about to leave. Maybe we're going to be five minutes late. He's just like, it's fine. It's fine. Instead of yelling at me that I'm irrational.

Like, it's crazy to think that being five minutes late to something isn't a big deal. But when it's my friends, me showing up to something, that's where I just get really frustrated. And is it five minutes or is it 30 minutes late? So it depends. It's gotten a lot better. We've been together for three years. If we hadn't figured something better out, this would not have lasted this long. So, like, this past weekend, I had a friend's engagement party.

And I'm a bridesmaid. She asked me to specifically be there 20 minutes early. I knew she had something planned for all the bridesmaids to, like, formally ask us, give us a little present. So, I told him I wanted to leave the house by 3 20 and i was like firm communicate it and then we didn't end up getting there till 3 45 because he was running late i was last right there no it's not a big deal my friends are relaxed like it's just a party but it's just like that's just in my core like that that's me as a person. I need to be on time to things. I get it. Yeah.

So. I think being late is, it's a thing you can control for the most part. There is, you know. I'm like her boyfriend because I, my mind doesn't work like that. Yeah. And so people are different, right? So I'm with you. And then it's like, if you are going to be late, just let people know.

It's kind of my rule of thumb. It's just like, don't be the person who's like, Hey, I'm on my way. And you're like, not, you know, you're still, that's just like a general thing. Interestingly enough, but I'm also not a planner. I'm not type A like you on that sense where my, I have a family member, but I've spent some time with them recently and they're very structured. And to the point where it gives me great anxiety, where it's just like three or four weeks out of something we have kind of plans to do. It's like, so do you know what time we're doing this?

I'm like, whoa, man, like I need you to chill, right? it's like so do you do you know what time we're doing this like whoa man like i need you to chill right it's so important to you because you find it disrespectful to other people and therefore you feel like he's disrespecting you because he's not doing what you need him to do in that regard right uh he he's probably just like he my guess is he you're so gung-ho about this there's probably a slight a bit of defiance on his part where he's definitely probably compromised and he's probably done some stuff but he he's probably thinking big pictures like this is honestly not the end of the world she's gonna show up 10 minutes late and everything is going to be fine and i'm gonna show her show her that, you know, like, I don't think he's actually saying that to himself, but we all, especially after you date someone or you live with someone, you just kind of want to prove a point. And I think you guys are probably in this rabbit hole of, of doing that.

Um, I mean, here's the thing. I know you don't want to do this and you want him to be on time, but like this is to a certain extent who he is. And I think you kind of have to ask yourself, if everything else is great and wonderful, is this the end of the world? Certainly you want him to respect the things that are important to you. I'm not saying don't do that. And if you feel like he's put no effort and he's this this is who i am and that's a problem but if he has put some effort in then appreciate that for situations like a wedding shower or a something that your friend has a specific demand uh that you are there at a certain time have you ever considered just going and leaving him behind and taking separate cars i

know you don't want that. And you were like, I want a boyfriend who's going to be on time for me. And he's going to do, and you're probably obsessing over the fact that like, I shouldn't have to do that because I should have a boyfriend who's going to be ready when I ask him to do that. I get that.

But is it really the end of the world? You know, is it the end of the world to just be like, he's just, you know, this is who he is, but I need to be on time. And so I'm not gonna stress out.

So I'm going to go. For specific things where it's really important, where 10 minutes late is the end of the world to you, because for your own like, just emotional and mental wellbeing, then you completely relieve the stress of that day you're gonna you're gonna be on time he'll get there a little bit later than you it'll be fine um and if everything else you know and day-to-day stuff where you guys like when he would normally be

30 minutes late but now you're only five minutes late because he knows it's important to you also kind of a win you know like if everything else about this guy is great, you know, maybe trick him too. Like tell him if you have to be there at 10, tell him he has to be there at 930. I know that's not who you like, but you have to recognize, like you said, that's who you are and he's different. He's never going to be you. So you can't equate him being just like you to him respecting you. you so you can't equate him being just like you to him respecting you you have to feel like he does value what's important to you and then he is making some sort of effort on a regular basis and

if you feel like he is trying and he does give a shit about what you say then i think that's good you know he might you you take separate cars and be like and and you're, I mean, it will blow his mind the next time you have an event, right? Your friend wants you to like go on a, be there a specific time. And you say, Hey babe, you know what? Erica needs me to be there at 10. I don't want us. I'm just going to go just, just if you could get there, you know, shortly after that'd be great, but let's not, I'm just going to go and we'll be there. And you're super chill about it. Wow. I mean, he, it's going to blow his mind. He's going to think this is great. You never know. It might encourage him to be like, you know, I'll just, I'll go, I'll just be ready. That's silly. We don't need to take two cars. And he might do that little thing. Now, if that does happen, don't get mad at him and say, see, I know

you could be ready on time and throw it in his face just appreciate the good that happened in that moment right because again i know this is important to you but if everything else in a relationship is great like this is not the end of the world right i mean you know if you listen to this podcast there's a lot of people who have like some bigger issues than we're showing up 10 minutes late to bridal shower you know so do what you can um and again i'm not saying compromise but like if you think deep down he does respect you in value and he does care about your feelings and he's making some efforts that's a good thing but like don't sweat the small stuff you know and if you have to take two cars once in a while so that you are on time and then you don't have to stress about it, that's a total option.

I know it's not super green, but hey, it's fine. And you will be surprised. The more chill you are, the more he will be willing to surprise you with being tardy. I assure you of that. Yeah. Surprise him with how chill you can be. And you will be, I i think a little bit surprised and how how much he might come around but pick your battles with this stuff um don't be so like you know he's got to do this i want a guy who wants to do this like sure that's

great but like come on you know does that make sense yeah no i definitely agree and i we've we've come to that conclusion on certain things like even him dropping me off to the airport i will only take an uber because i know he will run behind to get me there on time and then i stress and i'm putting that stress on him happened one time where it was like this isn't good so then i'm like nope i will just always uber it's not the argument yeah i mean same with like going to the like we talked like we talked about that like whether to go together or not and like i know it like a lot of these things i would rather have him there with me and be 10 minutes late than not have him at all so i definitely like he wins out in these situations where i'm willing to try to be more flexible i'm trying to be less rigid and it's that's like where the balancing of our

personalities help like i've helped him become more prompt and punctual but he's also been helping me relax but totally it's also like i've been going to therapy for a few years um and also just one of these those anxiety pieces that i talk about um and so that's where like i've talked to my therapist about i have to be true to myself like when i would tell him yeah let's leave around one and then we don't end up leaving till like 145 and then I'm mad that's not okay like that's I'm just being passive-aggressive so that's where I've worked on being very clear communicating hey we need to leave by 320 like very clear communication so that's helped a lot we've been super receptive um so I definitely am very grateful for that so i agree like i just

really yeah it's just it's so innate in me to be punctual um yeah i that it's just like i don't want this i don't want this to be like the killer of the of the relationship like us jumping down until there's growth that we're arguing and now we don't even want to go places together because it's going to be an argument to get out the door on time. Totally. A couple of things, you know, maybe to think about as you, if you were to someone would say, I'm going to introduce you to a guy, he's going to be amazing. You're going to think he's hot. He's going to be great. He's going to treat you great. He's going to treat you, respect you. But this is one thing he's not super prompt. And so everything's going to be great. But once in a while, you're going to have to,

if you want to be in time for really important things, you're going to have to Uber. And my guess is you'd be like, yeah everything else is great i mean he's amazing he's gonna treat me sex is great everything and everything is great but like i have to uber fine you know you would be totally fine with it my guess you know think about it like big yeah think about a big picture in that regard. If you're type A, you're competitive, right? Don't think about win-loss. I'm assuming you're probably just like, well, I did it this many times, and he's done it once. You can't do that. You know, you've got to try to think big picture in what is really important. And, again, is this the end of the world?

Again, the passive-aggressive is only going to make him kind of resent you and then fight back and him be passive aggressive i think a big key too is if if you're going to like take the uber or if you're going to be late don't be don't be hangry i know that's hard to say but if the more chill you can be and the more you can just say all right fine like what can i can control the situation what is really what really matters to me and again you've been clear how important that punctuality is to you and i respect that i think it is too but for him it's not so you can't expect him to have this the same passion and the same he you can't expect him to value it just as much as you do you want him to respect you and so

he is valuing it more than he would he's sounds like he's doing that so when it's really that important you just have to try to chill out and and do what you need to be happy so that you're not stressed the airport thing great yeah like it's not the end of the world if you know i'm i'm an amazing husband or boyfriend but you don't have to uber myself to the airport you know it's not the end of the world if, you know, I'm an amazing husband or boyfriend, but, you know, I have to Uber myself to the airport. You know, it's not the picturesque relationship that you would have described, but it's still probably pretty good, you know? I mean, you know, pick your battles. And I think sometimes in relationships we have a tendency of, you know,

finding things to fight about, you know? It's like, well, this is really important to me, and he doesn't do it, and why? And I want him to want to, you know? Like the movie the breakup with jennifer aniston i want you to want to do lemons i want you to want to do the dishes uh i get that and i understand the desire of wanting to be with someone who wants to make you happy but you know i'm i'm guessing he does in a bunch of ways that he has shown you and your brain be focused more on that. So try to focus on the positive and the negative. And again, this is assuming everything else is great.

And yeah, pick your, pick your battles, but there's, there's, I think you're going to be fine and trying not to stress. And I try, if the biggest takeaway is trying to think about this as a win loss thing for

each situation, my guess is you probably do that a lot. And you probably think he's winning more than you. Yeah. It's just, it's like, I was just kind of thinking about the, you can be right or you can be happy. And I don't want to be, I'm right in this situation. I just want us to be happy to the right kind of conclusion and compromise. I think that's great. And I think that's probably harder for you to do happy and come to the right kind of conclusion and compromise. I think that's great.

And I think that's probably harder for you to do than for him to do, if you're the type A person that you say you are. So that's good self-awareness that you have that. But yeah, definitely pick your battles. And listen, if at some point you feel like he's not respecting you and he's not going out of his way to do his part, that's a different story. But there's a difference between him doing his part and him doing exactly what you want yeah and it's like i can see the frustration and the unhappiness filled in him when i'm getting

stressed we need to leave on time and then he just goes and sits down and starts petting the dogs and saying goodbye to them or just saying some random things that need to get done yeah but he's like oh my god come on he values and then it just becomes yeah so so it's a balance it is it definitely is uh yeah just think about what you would have said outside of this relationship if someone would describe a situation and you weren't as personally invested. I think you'd probably be surprised by the answer. Yeah, no, I agree. I can understand why he gets frustrated by me.

And then I just start to feel like I'm acting like his mom and then he's acting like a disdainful little child. And that's not fun. That's not how I want to make him feel either. So like the only thing I can really control for sure is obviously myself. And the more I can ease up on my anxieties or plan ahead, plan even like you said, plan in advance better for myself

to take a separate car for the occasions that I know are important to someone else for me to be on time, then I can follow my process as I normally would. Yep. And then just really kind of separate us from that. I think, I think you're on the right path here. I think you're on the right path. I think you're going to be fine. Thanks, Stacey.

Thank you, guys. All right, have a great day. Bye. Nate, welcome back to the show. How are you? Thanks. Rochelle says you have a bit of an update for us. I don't have a bit of an update. I took your advice.

I tried the t-shirt and jeans on date. Felt a lot better for doing that. So thanks so much for guiding me there. You look hot, Nate. I gotta say, he kind of looks like, Nate looks a little bit like the president on the show Scandal. What's his name?

He was in Ghost. He was the bad guy in Ghost with a long, long ago. Oh, Tony Goldwyn. Apparently someone's told, have people told you this? Yes. I get Paul Rudd sometimes too, strangely. I don't understand

Not so much Paul Rudd, but Tony Goldwyn. Anyways, I like this hairdo. I like this t-shirt and jeans. Yeah, I'm on my lunch break, so I decided to just take off the dress shirt and try to relax a little bit here. I love it.

I love it. Tony's method. You're a lawyer, right? Yeah, he's a lawyer. I am, yeah. Yeah. So what else? What's been going on?

Yeah, so I've tried to go on a couple dates while dressed in a t-shirt and jeans. And yeah, I mean, I've felt better about myself in general, which is nice. But I'm still not really vibing with these women I'm going out with. A lot of them, they live busy lives too. I went out with a couple of news producers who were kind of fitting me in between their appointments. So, I mean, I guess I'm very scheduled and very structured, as you keep telling me.

But I feel like I keep going out with a lot of very structured women who aren't necessarily i don't know open to relaxing with me sometimes uh yeah um i mean that my that was my first question that came up and maybe the next step is figuring out who you're going on dates with uh also here's the thing nate um i think on my question with nick someone asked like i mean one out of 10 dates that you go on where you feel like a legitimate connection with someone is probably pretty good. It's pretty successful. It's like 10%, as you would know, I'm assuming, as a lawyer. Yeah. So, obviously, this is a focus of yours. It's a priority of yours. And so, there's nothing you can do about that.

And that's great. But maybe you're doing everything right. And now it's just a matter of, you know, keep on doing what you're doing. You're a unique man. I think that's a great thing yeah like listen you're quirky you're a little nerdy you're structured there's a lot of chicks who are into that you know um and i don't know yeah um and it's probably you know i could tell you to say you know you're trying to try to relax and be more chilling on dates but there's probably a limit to how chill nate can be it might come across as inauthentic for you to be like hey you know like really you know alter ego i don't think ricky's like being suave is in your repertoire

and that's fine um my whole thing is like i'm really trying to get serious now like i've done the casual thing for a really long time. I'm really good at, you know, two, three days trying to feel someone out. And sometimes it sparks it and sometimes there aren't. But I guess I'm more of a control freak at this stage in my life. I just want to move to the next level already. But here's the thing, Nate. It's just because you are ready to, you know, not casually date and you're ready to be serious,

it doesn't need to change how you date, especially early on. You know what I'm saying? The difference is if you find someone that you want to see where it goes, then you are committed to seeing where it goes rather than, you know, still saying yes to a bunch of other dates with other people. It doesn't make you need to get more intense. It doesn't mean you need to ask more intense questions. It doesn't mean you need to necessarily check in with them earlier than you otherwise would. You know, I think sometimes that's a mistake that people make. It's like, well, I'm ready to get serious now. So like,

in the first couple of days, everything's serious. It should still be easygoing and chilled and relaxed and if you go on a bunch of different dates with women where you don't have a a spark the first couple dates that just means that you maybe just don't have a spark with that person what you don't want to do is meet someone where first couple dates are pretty good you know first day it's pretty good and then you kind of freak them out with all these like questions about the future and your expectations and what you want to do my pattern yep yeah and that's yeah i'm like oh i'm gonna be seeing my uh my cousin's kids this weekend how do you feel about kids in general that's just yeah not necessarily that's not you definitely shouldn't do that you know and

especially knowing that you are who you are and the control freak and that you want to ask that question you should wait extra long because whenever you want to ask it it definitely is is much further in the future and also those things can come out organically i mean listen the truth is if if if i mean it's i think it's safe to say rochelle would you agree that if if you go on a couple dates with someone a woman if a guy goes a date with a woman for a few dates and she's interested in having kids at some point she'll probably find a way to have it come up in conversation i don't think so you don't think so no if you go on it i know you want kids someday right i don't know if i want kids oh you don't okay uh if you okay okay so if but i think i in my experience of dating, like, I don't.

I thought it was weird. One guy I was dating, he was like, do you want to have kids? And I was like, I'm not sure. And he's like, well, you know, I want a woman who's going to, like, take care of my kids. And then. That's weird. And then he, like, ended it. I felt like it was an excuse to not date me.

Why do you think that was an excuse? Well, he's a notorious i mean yeah i don't i don't know anyway but i think it's a weird thing to say i don't like talking about it in the beginning but i could be well i i don't think what i'm saying is i think if it's a priority i think people have a way of bringing things up that are prior for them too and i i think it's it comes across a little more aggressive if men ask that question on early yeah it feels and i just think a lot of women talk about wanting to have kids not everyone but some do and i'm just saying like if if you're dating

someone who's open to having kids i just think it'll it'll trust me i think it will come up before you need to ask. I don't, like, when was the last time, Nate, that you've been on a fourth date with someone? Oh, boy, almost a year ago now, I remember. Okay, so every date you've been on before? Besides me for not being that affectionate or not being that bored with her. So that's why I've been trying to change course since then. Well, okay, that's just one person.

But you can be affectionate without drilling them about they want to have kids. I guess what I'm saying is if you've asked anyone if they want to have kids in the past year in any date you've been on, you've asked them too soon. I mean, you haven't been on any, like, fourth dates. I know you're a busy guy, but your time's not so valuable

that you can't go on a third date with someone only to find out they don't want to have kids. Well, especially when I'm dating older women, too. I know I hate using the age thing as a that you can't go on a third date with someone only to find out they don't want to have kids. Yeah. Well, especially when I'm dating older women, too. I know I hate using the age thing as a demarcation point, but I get women in their later 30s and earlier 40s. I'd rather figure it out sooner rather than later,

so I'm not wasting her time. Yeah, but Nate, I think, yeah, I think there's a... Is it safe to assume there's a lot of women, especially in D.C. where you're living, who have been more focused on their careers and have been less traditional. And they didn't have kids and get married when everyone else was, quote unquote, doing it at the mid-20s. It doesn't mean they don't want to have kids. They could very easily be ready to have kids in the early to mid to late 30s.

A lot of people are doing that now. Yeah, there's a lot of workarounds. You're making a lot of assumptions that are getting there's a lot of workarounds and i don't you're making a lot of assumptions that are getting you into a rabbit hole and and probably you're asking the type of women who like who invested in their careers and it is a priority to them and probably have gotten a lot of what seems like very insensitive questions that you're asking them and you're turning them off they're probably become sensitive because a lot a lot a lot of guys i mean like well so you what you're you're 33 you you haven't have kids do you even want to have kids and they feel

very judged by that and you're probably the 30th guy who has done that um i think you need to like for a guy who hasn't been on any fourth dates in the past year anyone you've asked is too soon it's gonna it'll work itself out also people can change too like if you find the right person you don't know you know like who knows a lot of people just i don't know if i want to have kids you know it's less traditional than someone be like i definitely want to have kids i'm very adamant about i want to have kids you know but just because someone says they're like uncertain doesn't mean they never will they just want to meet the right person too it might not be a top priority but you drilling them about it is is not going to make them want to have it with you uh yeah you know but yes you this you

don't know like stop assuming you know what you want with people you don't know you know you don't know these people you don't know these women you don't know what they really want you get a little bit of excitement and then you that's how i feel like even with the kids thing it's like if you meet the right person or the situation is different like how can you possibly really know at the beginning that's my opinion i know some people like no no no but it's like everyone's different right yeah for me i say i want to have kids and i'm like i'm like well if it came to it i don't it's not ideal I would have a kid on my own that's from that's my personal choice yeah Rochelle's like I don't know and I mean we haven't really talked

about it but I'm assuming maybe a lot has to do with well if I meet someone I want to have a kid right yeah then I will be open to it but if I don't I'm fine with not yeah right and so you're you know and the if you met someone like Rochelle who had that mindset, you're not doing yourself any favors to convince that you're the person she'd have kids with by like drilling her and making her feel judged and insecure about being less traditional than, you know, the girls who had kids at 25, 26. so and my guess is you might have a way of making women feel like they need to live up to your expectations by drilling in questions yeah i don't you know and the little bit we've talked nate you seem like a really genuine nice guy yeah you're not an asshole you're not but they don't know that you're not an asshole all they start getting a bunch of questions and you just might remind them of the last asshole they dated. Um, and so just enjoy the moment, Nate, you know, just don't, don't give your spark of excitement about someone that much validation, you know, just, Oh, you, I'm having a good time with her. Do you want to like, do you want to, should we get dessert now

that we've had a nice time at dinner? That should be your focus. That's your question. Not, do you want to like do you want to should we get dessert now that we've had a nice time at dinner that should be your focus that's your question not do you want to have kids do you want to get another drink that's it this is a really nice moment you know at you know i think you got to really try to simplify your questions um and make it really kind of benign some of your questions you have no problem asking the serious questions, so you're never going to be the guy, ever, where she's just like, you know, we have great conversations, but we don't talk about anything serious. That will never be you, Nate.

No girl's ever going to complain, but you never want to talk about serious things. What's the last girl you really liked? What was she like? Oh, gosh, yeah. So about a week ago, I went out with someone. Yeah, we had coffee, and then we went out for dessert afterwards. And, yeah, I mean, I just thought we hit it off really well.

And she was leaving to head out of the country for a little bit. She should be back soon. And I said, well, let's just touch base when you get back and see where things go. So I tried to keep it. But what about her? What about her did you like? Very friendly, very personable. Yeah, professional, those types of things.

So anyone. I'm going through the checklist again. I'm trying to figure out what your type is. I don't think Nate knows. Yeah. I think Nate's type is like not a criminal who he finds attractive and likes him back what's your pecker pick pecker pick what does your pecker want to pick what kind of porn do you watch nate is what we're showing no yeah the brain

i want there you But yeah, I, you know, like, all jokes aside, you're like a lot of us who've, you know, done all your luck on dating and so you're,

you're just a little anxious and you're, I feel like you're, not necessarily your standards of who you, it's like, it's the standards of who you're willing

to have that initial spark with are probably lower than you're used to having. And then you, it's like you flip it. It's like your, your willingness to kind of have that initial spark with are probably lower than you're used to having and then it's like you flip it's like your your willingness to kind of have the initial spark with someone is kind of pretty open to anyone and then once you feel that then you'd like try to jump a bunch of steps and then make sure see if they're the one it's like well you know she seems fine she's nice i don't know yeah so do you want to have kids? All of a sudden, boom.

Yeah. And so you just slow down, man. And, you know, just get a vibe for... I just don't think in your case, one date, don't spend a lot of time figuring out, like, what you think about them or just think about did you have a nice time, you know? Yeah. like what you think about them or just think about, did you have a nice time? You know? Um, yeah,

I think you're always, you're always going to struggle with, with that and that's okay. But be mindful of that is that like, you just need to try to be in, be in the moment and relax. You're a handsome guy. You're a sweet guy.

You have, you mean well, you're successful. It's just, you still present that asking a bunch of questions right i i think you have a tendency of making all some the women you on dates with fairly anxious because you have an anxious energy and you want answers right away and that's probably the lawyer in you and you're just going to always have to constantly try to you know breathe a

little bit and just uh focus, I wouldn't even focus on whether you're going on a second date. It's more like, do you, yeah, we're having, first ask yourself,

are you having a nice time? And if you are, I'm constantly thinking about what am I going to do to set the groundwork for a second date? No, no,

no. Get to the first date, Nate. You know, you're thinking about date two. They know nothing about you you know yeah so focus on that i'm not opening up much about myself on the dates either because i'm so focused on finding out about her so i should just share a little bit more about myself too i think you

should try to treat your dates like casual conversations with someone you met on the bus with zero expectations you're going with so many expectations and then it's just probably written on your shirt you know just whoo you know you order her a drink ask her about the drink talk about why you liked your drink i don't know just keep it real light man um because shit heavy, I'm assuming, on your dates. All right. I'm sure you'll check back in. Best of luck, buddy.

We're rooting for you. Hey, I'll keep working. Thanks for your guidance and thanks for checking with me. It's going to happen. You look good. You look great. Yeah. I appreciate that.

All right, buddy. Thanks, Nate. Bye. It's good to hear from Nate he looks good hot I think this call reminded me

of I kind of said it where you know we gave Nate some advice a couple months ago

kind of similar advice and that's the thing is you know we'll hear advice and we'll be like yeah

and then we'll maybe work on it for a moment and then we'll forget about it but there's certain things that will always have to will always be our weaknesses right You know, we'll hear advice and we'll be like, yeah, and then we'll maybe work on it for a moment and then we'll forget about it. Yeah. There's certain things that will always have to work, will always be our weaknesses. Right.

And those weaknesses will probably never be our strengths. And so we'll always kind of have to be mindful of them. And the fact that his dating coach did email us made me think like, like you said, anxious energy of like, how can I make this happen? You know, I'm going to put all my resources into make this happen you know i'm gonna put all my resources into making this happen yeah it's he's he's so pot committed yeah on on having a second date but yeah also interesting takeaway about the whole uh asking women about uh wanting to have kids and yeah and who you're asking yeah for me it's it's a little bit like well we don't even really know each other yet well yeah and again i think the way he described like nate's in his late 30s and he sounds like he's dating women similar to his age in a town where it's very common for men and women

to both be focused on their professions yeah uh and he's probably asking a lot of women who have been asked that a lot throughout their professional career. And they have decided to be non-traditional if traditional is being 25, 26 and having kids. Yeah. And they're probably just sick of the fucking question. Yeah. You know?

And that's why I was saying like, let it just, God, man, you're so far away from getting the answer to that question. Right? I mean, as much as it's important to me, I don't ask that question. I don't, like it tends to come up, it comes up.

I don't know. I get asked a lot. I mean, I think part of it too is like, I'll get asked, you know, I think, I think is, would, yeah, I think you would eventually ask too if you liked a guy, right?

I don't know. I don't know. I just think it comes up at the appropriate time, some of those types of questions. And people have this way of,

I mean, I can't get guys to say they're my boyfriend, so they're not going to say they want to have kids with me. That's for sure. Sure. I, well, it's this town going to say they want to have kids with me. That's for sure. Sure. I,

well, it's this town. They don't, no one wants to commit. There is that too. Yeah. I think you're, yeah, you're selling yourself.

But anyway, it is this time. But yes, I, I just think there's this mentality that we seem to all have. It was, I don't want to waste anyone's time. I don't want to waste my time.

I don't want to waste their time. And so it's just like yeah but as our time so we keep going on all these first and second dates yeah we're not meeting anyone but yet our so our time's so valuable that we need to like pre-screen these people before our third date because the fourth date with someone is so oh my god i need to know that they're forever yeah where's the romance and yeah we kind of we we all do that. I think Nate is probably notorious for that. But I think a lot of us do that where we are unwilling to go on the fifth, sixth or seventh date because, you know, we've asked them all these, we need to know, you know. You know, just keep it light and chill.

Again, how do you really know you want to spend someone or have kids with someone if you don't know some of their secrets and some of their insecurities and some of these things that you, when you really connect with someone and who's going to share that on a third or fourth date? Yeah. You know, um, not many people. Yeah. Um, other than like, especially for the people who are like on the fence about having kids.

Yeah. So, and to your point, it doesn like on the fence about having kids yeah so and to your point it doesn't mean they're not having kids it just means they're not the person's like of course i want three or four kids in a fence like right fine you know i don't know good luck nate all right sydney how are you i am doing well how are you guys so good thanks for asking what's your question okay so my boyfriend we've been together for a long time he's a wonderful person um he he goes to the gym a lot he's a big gym person you know he's really muscular he's very in shape, very health conscientious. And I, on the other hand, I don't go to the gym.

I don't work out. The most activity I get is at work. I walk a lot. I do. And I stretch occasionally. boyfriend has made some comments in the past indicating that he would like for me to work out and specifically do squats and okay so i reacted to that emotionally and i felt like he, it made me feel like he didn't like love me and wasn't attracted to me the way I am. And it made me feel like I had to change my body to please him.

And it just, it just really upset me. And I guess that's my question is, should I not look at that emotionally and and you see what I'm saying no I do it's a it's a it's a tough how old are you guys so I'm 25 and he's he's about to turn 27 okay you're not that young um it's a tough one I mean listen you have the right to feel however you want when it comes to emotion how you feel emotionally i'm a huge believer i'll say it over and over i'll keep saying it uh you can't help how you feel you can only you can't control how you react right so how you feel is that's how you feel. Whatever he said made you feel judged probably. It maybe made you feel insecure.

Yeah. You know, he wants that booty, it sounds like, you know. Yeah. He does. So a couple things, right? I mean, it all just depends how he says it. Like, do I think, I'm not defending that he made you feel that way. I don't know him.

I don't know your relationship. Right. I don't think him suggesting that maybe you could squat is like the worst thing he could say, or he's now some objectifying boyfriend. I mean, if that's all he said, then, you know, like, listen, if he especially is a really big fitness guy, I mean, fitness guys are, could be people who are into fitness. When I was younger, you know, just to, you know, put it out there, I, you know, I was, I ran track in college.

I was big into fitness and my very first girlfriend, you know, I was 18, 19, 20. So I was pretty young, ignorant and kind of didn't know how to talk. It, she didn't work out at all. She had no, she was also a bit lazy. And when I was, and I'm not saying that's you, but for me, I was always, you know, I was always staying in shape and I was always trying to look, you know, my physical best, but in fairness to me, I was comfortable with that. I was so used to that. It was easy for me to work out because I've always worked out, you know, my physical best. But in fairness to me, I was comfortable with that. I was so used to that. It was easy for me to work out because I've always worked out. You know, I had the advantages of not only, you know, I might have a high metabolism, but minus that, I knew how to

work out. And that is a skill that people don't always get comfortable with. Some people enjoy it more than others. It's not your thing. Right thing right so in that sense there's a disconnect there um my guess is you probably feel extra sensitive because you know it's important to him the working out thing it's not something that you're comfortable with and so it's more like yeah asking you to squad is like something you feel like you need to do. And then there's this whole kind of subconscious thing. Have you talked to him about it? Okay, so it actually got brought up today because of this.

And he defended himself from back when it got brought up. But he said today, he said, I don't feel that way. Of course he would love for me to work out with him. He would love that. And, and I know he would, he would like to do that. It's just not my thing, but he said, okay, because part of it has to do with the fact that I think that he used to have a fear that I was going to, quite frankly, become bigger throughout the years. There were some comments made in the past. My mom is a big lady. And there were some comments made in the past that maybe he was scared that I was going to be like my mom one day. And I, he said that it just really hurt my feeling.

Sure. That's understandable. He didn't, you know, say that frankly, but I, it was roundaboutly kind of said, but today when it got brought up, he said, I don't feel that way anymore. He said, I, I, he said, even if you were to be bigger one day, I would still love you. I'm going to love you no matter what. And he made me feel better today. So this is more kind of a past issue. And I don't know if he was just trying to make me feel better today or, you know, I don't know. I just, I I'm sensitive and I kind of let it you know get to me and i do agree that i think it's more of him just wanting me to be healthy yeah uh it's this is a it's a touchy subject there's no i mean i don't know uh if even rochelle and I would agree. It's such a sensitive subject, right?

It doesn't make a guy or a girl a monster because to want their partner to want to be in shape, you know, to take care of themselves. Everyone's different. I mean, I went to the grocery store yesterday and I see this couple walk in. They both look like they live at the gym. And you can tell without knowing anything about them. That's something they have in common. Other people are different. And when you have kind of that opposing thing, it can, you know, whether men or women, it can, you know, for me, I like people who are motivated in general.

I'm attracted to women who are like, whether that's work or whatever, whether it's, you know, I don't, I'm also not attracted to people who are super physically fit, but I just like someone who I feel like is going to take care of themselves. I, that is an attractive quality for me. I mean, I'll admit I've dated women in the past who didn't like working out. And it made me, especially when I was younger, made me like wonder, like, I mean, you look great now, but like you, you never seem to want to take care of yourself. And what's that going to look like in 10 to 15 years? Have I thought that to myself? Sure. Yeah, I have.

It's all about communication, really. I mean, again, he can't help but wonder that, and he's trying to figure out how to talk to you about this. You know, you have the right to do whatever you want and not feel judged in any relationship that you're in. It's a touchy subject. I'm talking about, like, her butt specifically. I'm not defending that.

I know. That's easy to, like, react to. Oh, totally. Because as women, we're just under such, specifically i'm not defending that i know that's that's easy to like react oh totally because as women we're just under such from the time that we're small like all of these totally messages that our bodies aren't okay yeah that totally totally i mean again there's a historical element to it i can't i can't necessarily i don't know what it's like to be a woman in that sense. But he might mean it as something as simple as a gym guy. Yeah.

You know, you read articles, as guys, you read articles all the time about what do you like on a guy? Oh, I like a guy with a defined chest or arms. I really like defined arms or a butt or whatever. And guys will then be like, oh, I'm going to do some curls and stuff like that. arms or a butt or whatever. And guys will then be like, oh, I'm going to do some curls and stuff like that. And so, especially as a guy from him, if he's a big gym guy, he's literally thinking, I want to have good arms for girls. So he's doing curls and he's pumping up and he's literally thinking, well, if I want bigger arms, I'll do curls. And so that's how his brain is thinking. So I get why it's a sensitive issue and it's not easy to, and I'm not defending it,

but I'm just saying from his point of view, he might just be naive and he might not realize how sensitive an issue it is. And he's thinking, all right, squats get a more defined, but what if you do that? And he just threw it out there, not realizing how you might.

Right. Like a personal trainer would tell someone you hired them. It's different than telling your girlfriend. I mean, again, as a guy, we see this, we hear from women about what they like on a guy too. And I get it. It's not the same. Historically, women have been more objectified by their bodies.

And when men get objectified by their bodies, they probably don't care as much. I mean, they're not as sensitive to it. It hasn't been something that we've had to live up to. It's just like, oh, bigger arms. I'll go do some curls. And so it sounds like from you, he seems to be at least respectful of the fact

that he did hurt your feelings and recognizes it. He is. He is. It would be more of a red flag to me if he got super defensive and very dismissive of your feelings i think that's the biggest thing like if he was like oh well whatever i didn't mean it like that and whatever you should do this stuff and he like doubled down because some people do that they'll get defensive and then like bury himself a deeper hole by saying well you should squat and here's why and so yeah i i think that's uh it's good that he you it seems like you guys can communicate and when it comes to body issues and and things like that and in a relationship it's a very touchy subject and it's very challenging to communicate and a lot of times

women have a history the men are aware of like totally eating stuff and yeah brings up a lot of feelings i mean and then you you mentioned your mother and like i don't know if that's a sensitive issue for you um just to throw it out there like i know you're not a big gym person and you don't love working out but do you like hate it with a passion where you're not a big gym person and you don't love working out, but do you like hate it with a passion where you're not willing to like once in a while do something a little bit with him? Like, are you just adverse to trying it? Because I will say squats are a great exercise just in general. Like it has nothing to do with, I don't care what your butt looks like, but hey, it's a healthy exercise. Oh no. Yeah. So I would not be opposed to working out with him or I hey it's a healthy exercise oh no yeah so i would not be opposed to working out with him

or i i guess it's just a way he went about it i would have loved for him to have been like hey why don't you come with me today to the gym and i might have been like sure you know and totally um you might have been but would you i think you i think it would mean a lot to him if i did go with him i think he looks at it like a like a team thing and like i think it would make him happy if i went with him and that's something that i would be willing to do for him and you might get used i mean it is it safe to say you really have no experience with working out on a regular basis? It is safe to say I have no experience. Yeah, that's scary.

And minus the fact that you don't like it, it's a skill. You're not used to it. You don't know what it's like. Like I said, as a kid, I was always active. So for me, while sometimes working out, I don't want to and it can hurt and it's painful, I'm used to that feeling and I've gotten used to it. And that's something you can learn. I'm not telling you to do that or not, but it sounds like...

No, I would be willing. I really would be willing to. And I could probably use some cardio and that stuff. So, yeah. That's entirely up to you. Generally, it's a healthy thing to stay in shape. Sure. Right.

Again, I just think when it comes to these things, in a relationship, you're going to say things to each other that hurt sometimes. And that's not necessarily okay, but it doesn't make you guys monsters. And you have the right to be sensitive. You have also the right to say, hey, babe, that hurt my feelings. And then how they respond to that is a really big indicator of the health of your relationship and communication and whether there's red flags or things to really worry about. It doesn't sound like maybe you have a lot to worry about in terms of you guys' ability

to communicate. You just got to try to find a common ground. Him not saying insensitive things to you in the future. Now he realizes that you're sensitive about that. And then again, on a separate note, if he enjoys working out and you're willing to try it with him, you know, don't let you get, don't let you being defensive about this almost kind of be even more resistant to it. Like, well, I feel sensitive and you don't love me for me. So I'm going to like refuse to do this. That's not healthy to do that. Don't be spiteful. But as long as you're able to communicate your hurt feelings and he recognizes it, and then you try to get on the same page, because you're right, he should ask in a different way. And there was a

better way to ask. I have said things in the past that were insensitive, whether I was trying to be insensitive or not. You just, you know, men and women see things differently. We react differently. We don't realize your history. Yeah. Even in relationships. I mean, unless you're telling every little dark thing and insecurity that you have, how are they going to know? So the more you guys talk about that, the better it's going to be. Well, I feel better. Actually, I do. Because I have a problem with just thinking emotionally and forgetting about the being

rational. And he's really good about just thinking very clearly and being level-headed and being logical and rational. And I think with my emotions a lot. And so I do see his point of view and I could give a little and, and maybe go work out with him sometime. So if you want to, I appreciate it.

Don't, don't apologize for being emotional. I don't think that's necessarily a problem. You being emotional is that's who you are. Uh, men tend to be maybe slightly more logical not always then no for sure yeah uh i don't mean like you know just how we think right like i'm right is that safe to say rachelle or we have a problem with this i don't know i don't know i don't like generalizations like that personally but again not a hard and fast rule but again whatever uh

maybe maybe not but all i'm saying is don't apologize for being emotional it's good to be aware of of how you communicate and how you respond in your feelings um and then share that um and so if you feel like you're getting so emotional that you're kind of losing control your feelings just be mindful of that so that you can communicate better uh but i don't think it's something you need to apologize for just like someone doesn't need to apologize for being maybe over analytical or or um a little too even keel because sometimes while that sounds nice that can be a really an obnoxious thing in a fight so it's just good to understand how you guys communicate and then go from there.

I agree with you. I really do. Cool. I agree with you completely and I really appreciate it. Well, good luck. I wish you both the best and have a great day. Thank you.

All right. Take care. Thank you, Nick. Thank you, Rochelle. Bye. Thank you.

Bye-bye. Yeah. Touchy subject. Very, very, very touchy. Bye. Thank you. Bye-bye. Yeah, touchy subject. Very, very, very touchy. Yeah, we've talked about body issues in the past. Yeah.

It's just one of those things, too, where, listen, men and women. I mean, I have women friends who are dating guys who they stopped looking how they looked when they first started dating. Right. And they got lazy and they gained weight and and the women didn't like it um and so how do you communicate that without making the other person defensive and sometimes it's not laziness there's like mental health issues there's that too health like yes yeah um and again to your point uh women uh you know pregnancy you're right yeah um again i am not a doctor and by like but like it seemed it is it safe to say that women from a biology standpoint

they um it's as they get older it seems to be you know there's more things going on with your bodies that i'm not aware it's it's a lot harder to maintain what you what you look like when you were 23 or whatever yeah so as a result like i get you know i don't get but i understand that uh women have have been put on blast more than than men have yeah in the past yeah um and that and that can be very challenging to do and how to communicate that in a relationship is a yeah and maybe it's like a boundary like hey i don't want you talking about my body yeah in a negative way we could talk about health we could talk about working out but not like my body it's kind of like how you talk about it too is um it's a tough one yeah um i think early in a relationship it's a good

to establish those boundaries right if you're if it's like let um i think early in a relationship it's a good to establish those boundaries right if you're if it's like let's say you were in a relationship and you dated some jerk who constantly right and objectified you and so you're super sensitive so the next person you date be like listen i just need to let you know that like i'm uh and he's just like yeah no problem like maybe he just doesn't care it's just um, yeah. Like I'm not a big gym guy. I stay in shape. But if the way she describes her boyfriend, like a guy who's there hours a day,

he's just literally like curls, arms, squats, butt, you know, like legs, lunges. He's just literally like, well, just do this. Yeah. It kind of reminds me of Clay and Angela, how she said he sure talked about her not going to listen i my again i i'm my first girlfriend i remember you know her freshman year and it had nothing to do with her mom her mom was kind of a total babe to

be honest but and you love moms i like beautiful women it was super hot and she she her freshman year gained a lot of weight her freshman year as we all did that freshman what did they call it 15 it's a real thing toppers pizza stick she was ordering every night start eating panda express for every meal i remember as an 18 year old i was like well you know i put like a workout plan together for and i'm looking back now i mean like wow what an asshole oh yeah yeah and she kind of like mentioned it but i kind of like oh she showed the slightest bit of interest and i really went like and i'll admit like it it was like it she talked about how she didn't like it and i was just like jesus man you just keep eating pizza you keep doing that like and it it it bothered me i didn't know how to communicate then. I was unaware of like, how do I talk about this?

I don't know. It's a sensitive thing. So I think just putting it out there is the best to do it. And if again, if you've someone, I think it's the biggest takeaway is if you're in a relationship and it's ultimately healthy and someone says something that hurts your feelings it's okay to acknowledge that doesn't make them a monster how they respond to you acknowledge your feelings being hurt is probably more important than than what they said at first oh that's so beautiful um what a beautiful takeaway thanks rochelle well well update from nate what else what else did we talk about today? Rochelle?

We talked about the really on the dot woman who, the type A dating a type B. Pick your battles, man. But don't, yeah, I mean, is it the mundaneness of relationships? We're just, it's like we love them but we hate them right yeah our body like some part of our brain like doesn't want to be happy sick of you there's probably a little bit of that yeah maybe but i i think yeah it's you know you want them to want to do things and like sometimes

in relationships like that that there's a there's definitely a difference between feeling someone respects your differences and goes out of their way to try to make you happy and does everything you want the way you want to do that yeah and has the same passion yeah i think so many people be like well i want you to want to do it as much as i want to do it hey just be happy i'm here man you know like to a certain degree right like there's certain things where it's just like i'm not gonna i can't expect a girl to be as invested in a football game as I am. Yeah. I mean, if that's really my top priority, then I need to, I need to use, I need to pick

that early in the dating process. Yeah. Right. Right. Where, where Stacy here, was it Stacy? Like I kind of said, it's just like, well well if you started dating someone early on would that like she would never be like i have to i have to date someone who's as punctual as right right but yet now in her relationship she is acting as if that is priority number one um so yeah i think

sometimes the mundaneness of relationships get us get us down but But that's with the small stuff. And man, guys, stop making feeling women pressured about having kids. Let it go. Anything else? I don't know. Fun episode. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in your questions

at asknickatcastmedia.com. Rate us five stars on iTunes if you so feel like it or not. I don't know. We always appreciate you listening. Until next time, it's been a fun, it's been wild, it's been crazy. See you on Wednesday. Have a great day.