The Viall Files - E576 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend Hates How Strong I Am

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss anniversaries in relationships and read an email from a listener that’s debating boycotting her friend’s wedding. We then get our latest Breakup Song of the Week submission.  Our first caller has recently discovered a love of working out, but her boyfriend says he doesn’t want to date a girl with a muscular body and is encouraging her to stop going to the gym. Our second caller is worried that she’s too attached to her boyfriend after he went on a ten-day boys' trip and she missed him a lot. Our final caller is trying to find the strength to leave her situationship. We discuss how she’s been willing to accept the bare minimum, and now needs to enforce boundaries with him.  “You’re not okay with it, and that’s what matters.” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Rakuten - Start all of your shopping at Rakuten - your Cash Back adds up! Cash back rates change daily. See Rakuten.com for details. Go to https://www.Rakuten.com NOW or download the Rakuten App today.  Grammarly - You’ll be amazed at what you can do with GrammarlyGO. Go to https://www.grammarly.com/GO to download and learn more about GrammarlyGO.  Noom - Stop chasing health trends and build sustainable, healthy habits with Noom’s psychology-based approach. Sign up for your trial today at https://noom.com/VIALL Article Furniture - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://www.ARTICLE.COM/VIALL and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm nick joined by the household of allyie, Amanda, and Derek. Hope is... Hope, hope, hope. I was about to say, like, hope is. Like, hope is great, I guess. Okay, Obama in 2008. I hope you're all having a great day. I know I am.

What's anything going on with y'all? Anything? Derek had an anniversary. Yeah, I feel like coming off the weekend, Derek, I know you had a big one. Tell us about your anniversary. So anniversaries, I feel like, are always, like, a fun anniversary yeah I feel like coming off the weekend Derek I know you had a big one tell us about your anniversary so anniversaries I feel like are always like a fun topic because I feel like people do them a lot of different ways and they kind of change year to year so for our anniversary we tried to do new experiences so um I took my girlfriend it was themes yeah I think I think yeah like a prompt overall new experience. And then each time a specific one.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, this year we just wanted to switch it up. We like stayed local. We did. So Sydney's never done a surfing lesson before. So we did surfing lessons. And I never had a mani-pedi before. So I got my first mani-pedi and I can't stop looking at my buff nails.

Who liked their new experience better? Their new first experience? Did you like the mani-pedi or did she like the surfing better we both like them a lot okay i might start regularly getting mani pedi for a package deal i'm like i might start researching on yelp like it was kind of life-changing not gonna lie so in a mani pedi mani pedi is both a manicure and a pedicure yeah as the name might apply. Indeed it is. I honestly wasn't sure. I just figured that out on the spot.

Have you personally gotten a manicure pedicure? I've gotten a pedicure multiple times. I don't think I've ever gotten a manicure because obviously. How could you do it better? I don't need one. No one could do better than my teeth. So anyway, back to your anniversary. No, she had a good time.

She stood up her first wave, which was really anniversary. No, she had a good time. She stood up her first wave, which was really impressive. Okay, Sid. Natalie also, I don't know, you've used to surf, but when Natalie and I surfed for the first time, it was both our first time in Hawaii, she stood up faster than I did. I mean, surfing's hard. Surfing's really hard. And it was really fun. And it's just nice to, I don't know, I haven't surfed in a while. So it's nice to do something different. So it was nice. Alright. New experiences. And this was your

what anniversary? Four years. How do you guys come up with a date? Because honestly, Natalie and I don't have a date. We do,

it was our first date. Not like, not when we first started talking or anything like that. It's like our first date date is considered

like the start. Because nowadays I feel like anniversaries are harder to pinpoint because you have all these like situationships and we're like we're just seeing each other we're not boyfriend and girlfriend

like fuck your situation god only knows how could you are you still even hanging out the guy um did he die no he didn't die he's dead it's dead to me no he's been sick and so well he was at coachella and then he was sick. So hopefully he's dying. No. I just haven't seen him in a few weeks. But yeah. So anyway,

hard to pinpoint. You know, Natalie and I, we were just fucking around for a few months. Yeah. A few. Nine.

You could have had a child. Yeah. Literally. So yeah, we kind of celebrate it around the time period, but there's no exact date. So it's just like a general month-ish? Yeah. So yeah, we kind of celebrate it around the time period, but there's no exact date. So it's just like a general month-ish?

Yeah. So around that time, we would go to New York, end of July, early August, and it would be like, all right, we're celebrating, I guess, our anniversary. But there's not a date. I know the date I first met her. Okay. But we don't celebrate that. I first met her.

Okay. But like we don't celebrate that. I mean, we celebrate, like we always celebrate our love, but like we don't have like a hard anniversary. Certainly not where we're like giving each other anniversary gifts. That's a whole nother dimension.

And I suppose as a jaded man of love. Yeah. I mean, like I, to me, I don't really want to celebrate an anniversary unless it's like a wedding anniversary. Well, that's what I was going to say is you'll soon have a very clearly defined

Well, do you replace it? Do you keep celebrating? Because I know couples who are like a year into marriage that still will make a post or something about their first date, but then they also celebrate their, but these are your friends. Yeah.

They also celebrate their wedding anniversary. I'm sorry. I'm just going to sound like the condescending old guy. But eventually they'll stop celebrating their dating anniversary. And they'll only, is my guess. I just feel like they're newly married-ish. A year-ish. Yeah.

A year. I don't know. I think anniversaries, dating anniversaries, not that I'm sure your weekend was lovely, Derek, but I just- It was. It's's uh i don't know i was kind of like i think they're nice to recognize but i'm not a like it's not the same but don't you feel like it's an opportunity to spice things up to do something romantic well i mean i guess if you're someone who requires an anniversary to do something romantic then i guess i do i or

or like i well i require that someone do something romantic for you on an anniversary i just like i miss that no i guess what i'm saying is i don't require a special day that's a good to do something romantic i i feel so mixed about that like in terms of how i think because like my grandfather was always he would always get my grandmother like he wouldn't necessarily do anything for their anniversary, but he would come back from like a work trip with like a really gorgeous ring. And so he was very much like a random gifts whenever he felt like it. Like one day he just hired a mariachi band. And so I grew up with like thinking that was very, very romantic and then now that i'm more of like a control freak who has like a lower ambiguity tolerance i'm like i need a guaranteed moment of like acknowledging and celebrating this relationship no matter what no matter how busy we get no matter how much work there is because my birthday's around valentine's day so that day's not like a surefire you know so i feel like sometimes you need some consistency when's your birthday february 3rd like two weeks before you'd be surprised you'd be surprised so you

people phone it the fuck and you have valentine's ptsd because of no i think no to be fair it's like only since like being a dater i would say and it's it's only valentine's day where you're saying it oh and as an adult in romantic relationships like we don't really celebrate valentine's day that much because i think we're just too fatigued because your birthday yeah there can only be one covering you're just like oh my god not another date i have to celebrate you my dick yeah that's uh that's well my boyfriend was saying what would you say about dick i just assume they'd be tired from birthday sex i mean less of like a sex thing no i figured to be more like he gets you a gift for your birthday and on Valentine's Day, he's like, well, I mean, I could offer you my dick, but that's all I got.

What's the most expensive gift you've ever received from a man? My current boyfriend waited a little bit to book tickets for me to visit him on his last movie set. Okay. And so they were kind of expensive because he booked last minute and it became a real thing where like he'd said he would do it i thought you were gonna say it was the uh but she almost came back or venmo venmoed back speaking of people i did not marry um so we got a question emailed in from a listener who basically is posing the question, is it selfish to boycott a wedding? And so what

this person wrote in was, long story short, the groom called off my friend's wedding, said he didn't love her anymore. They told their families she sat with her friends, including me, for days crying and grieving it. Days later, they had a talk how to sort through everything wedding wise and ended up banging. They decided to call it back on because he agreed to go to therapy with her. Now, I don't want to go to the bachelor party. To like therapy doesn't make you fall in love. Yeah, it's a.

I mean, I'm just taking Metta's word. I it will be interesting because I said what this friend is saying. She's like the bachelorette is in two weeks. I told her party. Yeah. It will be interesting. So what this friend is saying, she's like, the bachelorette is in two weeks. Bachelorette party? Yeah. And she was like, she basically doesn't want anything to do with this wedding anymore. Interesting. And so I thought it was a really-

And this is in the hopes that her friend will wake up and- That's a good question of like, what is the intention behind it? I think she's probably coming at it from like a boycott based on principle where it's more like, it's not that she thinks she's going to change her friend, but she like i'm not going to be there for it then that's dumb if your goal is to just make some sort of like like political statement or something like you know like it's not it's not about you it's not your day it's not about it's literally not about you now if you think that doing this will somehow you if you think your friend is making a terrible decision, and she might be. I mean, like the guy went from saying, I'm not in love with you to, I guess, agreeing to go to therapy.

But, and, you know, having sex, that doesn't mean anything. So I think she has real valid concerns for her friend deciding to move forward. Because, again, it can be very scary to plan a wedding and tell all your friends and it can feel very embarrassing to call off the wedding, yada, yada, yada. So I could see why her friend is kind of ignoring the potential red flags and her friend is trying to get her to wake up, so to speak. But if she deep down doesn't think that anything she says or does is gonna change her friend's decision, then you show the fuck up

and you be there for your friend and you be a friend. And if you end up being right, you don't, you just, you be a, that's how you be a friend. You just, you're there to support. You don't have to agree with it. Not your decision. You're not marrying this person. So if it's, yeah, you're there to support you don't have to agree with it not your decision you're not

marrying this person so if it's yeah you're not you're not here to make a point or take some sort of stand it's the principle of it all the principle of what like but then how would you feel because you're always the one saying friends don't just like agree with everything they hold them accountable they say have a conversation with their. Not showing up if her friend says, hey, listen, this is the person I want to marry. I've thought it through. This is what I want to do. You're my friend. I want you there. You should be there. You not showing up isn't doing anything other than making your friend potentially enjoy their day even less or affect the friendship, you know, and this friend might need you in the future when this marriage goes south and

you're abandoning your friend on their special day. Like holding a friend accountable doesn't mean alienating them, you know, like there might be situations in friendships where you have to take a step back, you know, you know, especially if, if, if what they're asking is causing you to have to compromise your values and, and put you in, in vulnerable situations, but it's not your wedding. And again, if, if, if somehow the friend thought, if I take a stand, she'll wake up and not marry this guy, then you can have an argument. But, you know, just making some sort of point so that everyone's like, where's Becky? Oh, yeah, she fucking hates Chuck or whatever. You know, like it's not.

Let's say she does do it from a place of like taking a stand and being like, hey, like this is very much directed at being like, I love you so much. I can't watch you do this. like this is very much directed at being like i love you so much i can't watch you do this she's doing it from a place that hoping her friend realizes just how extreme the situation is and how objection how much in objection she is to the wedding yeah then in that case maybe i i just think at the end of the day it's not her wedding uh people can get cold feet maybe this guy had a mental health crisis you know i you know we don't have a lot of detail, but I recognize her concern. Don't get me wrong. But if her friend wants to move forward with this, and if this is the person she wants to marry, and if she is willing to do the work with this guy that she wants to marry, then she should

have her friends supporting that decision. And they should be there and be friends and you don't have to like it. You don't have to pretend it's the most amazing decision. But again, being a friend is being there for your, you know, is being there and supporting your friends, even if you don't always agree with their decisions, but holding them accountable is you can is saying, Hey, listen, I just holding accountable would sitting the friend down because this is what a lot of people don't do because people are afraid to have tough conversations and it's awkward and they don't want to make their friend mad and they don't want to get in a fight.

So they don't say anything and they do these kind of things. But holding them accountable with sitting her down and saying, hey, I love you. I know you're scared. I know this is ideal, but are you sure this is really what you want to do? I'm really worried. Here's why.

At the end of the day, I'm going to support you. But like, have you considered the possibility that maybe he's not right for you, you know, after all this? And I just want you to know that like, if you decide not to marry this guy, it's going to be okay. We're going to, I'll be here for you, you know, and just, and just challenge her to consider alternatives and let her believe that whatever she decides, especially if she decides to not marry the guy, it's going to be okay. Because so many of these decisions are based off of fear. I'm going to be alone. I don't want to have to start over. You know what? Fuck it. I'll just marry the guy and hope for the best. And so that would be holding your friend accountable,

just not showing up. You're making it about you, I just think. That's fair the other thing that kind of makes me feel like it might potentially be worth going is like so let's say this friend goes through with the wedding they either like stay together in which case you missed your friend's wedding like they might stay together he might earn back your trust and then there's this important day and then he's gonna be like fuck like, fuck her. Yeah. Oof. And it might fall apart. Like this friend might be right that this marriage is like, isn't going to last.

But I think for just the chance that it may last, it might be worth like just showing up. So that way you can kind of cover your bases, like important memories. Yeah. I mean, I just, the, it's for the principle and I'm taking a stand. So what?

So you can say, I told you so when it goes south. Again, that's not being a friend. Did you guys hear about the girlfriend who broke up with her boyfriend who had a brain tumor because of her mental health challenges? And then she is running a marathon to raise awareness or money

for brain tumors or something. It's like, what a way to make a terrible situation all about you like citing your mental health i mean listen here's the thing i think you have the right to like break up with anyone at any point anytime you want and if if if you're dating someone and they have a health crisis you know like that's a legitimate like it's a incredibly shitty situation for everyone and depending on the the diagnosis, like, and there's so many variables, right? You could be dating someone for a year and like, maybe it's pretty good. And then you find out they have some terrible diagnosis.

And deep down, you're just like, man, we were having all these problems. You're going to be the asshole either way. You have the right to leave if you want to leave, but you don't have the, you don't get to like rewrite the narrative. You still are going to be the person who left your partner when they needed you. And that's okay if you wanted to leave because you shouldn't be expected out of guilt or shame to stay in a relationship, but you don't get to rewrite it. And then you don't get to make yourself feel better, run a marathon and get more. She like got news out of it. OK, so get this. The guy will be there cheering and supporting his girlfriend.

I don't care. The article said he said it's incredible or his former girlfriend. He said it's incredible that she's running the race. Quote, when she said she was going to do a marathon, I must admit, I had my doubts. I think she only did about 1.3 miles when we were together and it was a lot of complaining. I've got so much respect for her discipline and perseverance, he added. How about the discipline and perseverance to sit by his side while he was getting chemo? I do think mental health, it's tricky. It's really nuanced. Again, she has the right to leave.

She has the right to say, I can't do this. That's totally fine. You get to leave. But people still get to judge you. They do. They get to say. But if the very person who's most equipped or most positioned to feel wronged or underserved by her isn't judging her, shouldn't everybody else get over it?

Fine. I mean, hey, we're only talking about because she decided to run a fucking marathon and be be like i'm doing this for my ex-boyfriend who got a tumor and i want the credit and like this is about me you know like she could have just moved on you know but instead she wants she she this is all about her guilt about doing something and i just think if if you i don't listen i think you know, when we say trust our gut, right? And like our bodies tell us something. And I think when we feel, not always because it can be like from religion or appearance, but sometimes when we feel guilt or shame, I think sometimes it's telling us because maybe it's our body telling us you could have done a little bit more.

You know, you're a little bit more capable of what you gave yourself credit for. And you didn't feel like doing it. And that's fine. Whatevs. But when you do that, when you feel that, you just maybe have to accept that next time it happens, maybe you should challenge yourself more. You don't try to go back and try to say, well, actually, I am a caring, loving person. I just had my own way of being there for him it's like a an equivalent of like like love languages it's just like well i this is how i love and the other person's like well cool i don't feel that because that's not how i receive love they're like well that's how i love too bad so sad too bad you. I don't know. I just sometimes we have to make tough choices.

And sometimes those tough choices are going to come with judgment. They're going to come with people being like, eh. And that's sometimes okay. But to double down and then make it about you. Yeah, I think for you, it seems like the marathon is the damning piece of evidence. Less so about her leaving? Yeah. Or both? It's not about her about her leaving okay she has the right to leave and i have the right to be like i don't know if i want to marry that one i mean you know when you get married till death do you part

sickness and health it's not like until you get like a really bad cold you know that i mean that isn't that part of like getting married is like shit's gonna go down and like you want someone by your side to like be there for you when shit goes down you know and listen there's a million variables right like they literally could have like hated each other when he got the diagnosis you know they could have been talking about breaking up found out they were second cousins yeah and then she didn't realize it like this is not my person that's totally fine so fucking leave and move the fuck on with your life but what if it was such an amicable split that they're thinking what an excellent opportunity to raise awareness he's he's

going the boyfriend seems or the ex-boyfriend seems pretty like chuffed about it. I feel like if I got a beer with him and I sat down, I'd be like, she fucking sucks, doesn't she? He would be like, yeah. Oh, my God. In my opinion, I feel like there's such a like that decision to leave is something that you can do. But there's sort of like, for lack of a better word, like the gravitas of the situation. Like sort of like that's a really hard decision. That takes a lot to admit.

Like, I can't stay in this relationship. I'm not equipped properly to be in this relationship. And like, I'd rather not lie to you. So it's weird to sort of like, even if it's amicable to come back in some capacity is even if it's for good intentions, even if it's amicable, it seems weird because the initial step to leave

is one that is sort of haunting and hard to undertake so to come back makes it seem like it's being taken less seriously even if it's for a good cause that's what's the earth for me it's um well they're exes so they could listen to the breakup song of the week yeah there you go which is ever again by arizona zervas. The person who submitted this said, I recently, finally, exited a super toxic relationship with a man much older than me. I'm 27. He's 43. I tried to end the relationship twice prior, but this time it finally stuck because I blocked him and made changes to my life to ensure I would never see him again. Oh, yeah. Anyway, I stumbled across this song and it's a bop and the lyrics spoke to my soul. The whole song rocks, but specifically this part. So call me stupid or call me your

friend, but don't ever call me again. Call me useless. I don't give a damn because you ain't never getting in my bed ever again, ever again. And let me say this is the song is a bop. Reading the lyrics don't do it justice. It's very catchy. And so check out our breakup song of the week. It is on the Vile Files Instagram as a highlight and on spotify and yes the the highlight is where you get the spotify playlist all right awesome all right well we have an amazing episode for you before we get into that also we have an amazing incredible week this week tomorrow freestyle howie mendel is joining us gonna be wild kind of publicly and public enemy number two after

public enemy number three I was gonna say for Tom Sandoval Raquel Schwartz Howie Mandel all right in the Vanderpump Bravo world I say that in jest obviously we're excited to have Howie was certainly

will talk to him about his interview with Tom Sandoval, the fallout of it all, his thoughts. I'm curious if he's brought himself up to speed on all things Sandoval or if he's kind of moved on. But either way, it's going to be a fun, entertaining episode with Howie. So put your seatbelts on. It's going to be an excellent, amazing week here at the Vile Files household. Also, don't forget, better date than never live this week.

What are we talking about? Is it butt stuff? One of the first double entendres that I ever understood was when someone was like, if the Red River's flowing, take the dirt road home, people said in high school. Oh, yeah. To refer to the fact that if someone is menstruating, you should have anal. Speaking of which, some other potential topics are period sex. So you would rather have some poo on your pee.

On your wee-wee. Rather than a little blood? High school boys, man. High school boys. High school boys. Are some of the least logical individuals. I also feel like blood is a better lubricant than shit. I think it's also a huge health issue if there is in fact dookie shit sure well i guess it i don't know obviously scrub the

butt but like yeah this is what these are our episodes this is what an episode of better they never sounds like it's a wild time we'll be be talking anal sex. We were making this decision now. Executive choice. Executive choice. All right. This week, I'm better than ever, but stuff,

uh, with Dr. Marissa Martin, Dr. Marissa Martin will be joining us. Anyway, we have a great week. Like don't forget vile files.

Plus is available. If you haven't checked out that update from our caller, our, our lesbian friend who is dating a man who was proposed to. It is a wild update. She has more updates coming. It is available behind Vile Files Plus for all you people. It's free.

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so get it while it's hot. Oh, yeah. So last Friday, For all you people who It is available to everyone I'm feeling a little sassy We love you thank you for supporting this program Regardless of whether you beta do it or not No obviously I love you guys

You know I love you Sometimes people need to hear it you know Let's get to our call Question time with Nick Let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going it's going good how are you good what's your name my name's jamie how old are you jamie um i'm 35 how can we help uh my boyfriend wants me to stop going to crossfit because he doesn't want a muscular girl okay uh. How do you feel about that?

Well, I don't feel very good about it. Actually, I'm a single mom of two girls. I'm really busy. I don't have any time for myself. So I've been dating my boyfriend for about six months. And I started going to CrossFit about two months ago. And I'm finding it just super good for me. It gives me more energy with my girls and I'm really enjoying it actually. So I just noticed he would start giving me a sarcastic tone or do some offhand comments when he hears me talking about CrossFix. I'm excited to share it with him. And yeah, so yeah, I'm not feeling too great about it actually. And yeah, so yeah, I'm not feeling too great about it, actually. you started this after you guys met you know um i don't like the passive aggressiveness or you know the kind of offhand remarks that he's giving um i don't know if he's necessarily like the worst person in the world because like you know he has the right not to be attracted to a certain type

i suppose but like you have the right to do what you want. But I guess my question to you, this relationship is only six months old. How happy you are overall with this relationship? Yeah, I guess I've been really happy with the relationship. Just lately, I'm noticing these offhand remarks or just like, yeah, I'm just starting to maybe notice a few things that I haven't been super happy with, I'm just starting to maybe notice a few things that I haven't been super happy with, I guess. How much has your body changed in the two months that you've done CrossFit? Because I'm familiar with CrossFit. There are plenty of women who do CrossFit. They're not turning into necessarily bodybuilders. Exactly. Yeah. I know I'm a busy mom. So I only

really go two or three times a week. I would say I look like a little bit more fit, but nothing extreme at all. What is like, what is, has he said what he likes? So like I, he, he just kept making offhand remarks. So then I finally called him out on it. I'm like, like, what's your deal? I'm really enjoying this. I want to be able to talk to you about it kind of thing. And, uh, yeah. So I confronted him about it and he said like, CrossFit is known to be very culty. Um, I love you the way you are. I don't want you to change. And, or like, I would say like, I would mention something like someone at the gym said to me, and he was like, the gym isn't a place to socialize so

why are you socializing there i find that really weird yeah that's weird yeah just so is there is there more like that is there more going on than just because like the crossfit is culty and jim isn't to socialize is do you think he is intimidated or uncomfortable with you, you know, getting to know these, you know, men? I mean, I'm sure there's a lot of women in CrossFit, but there's probably, it's probably more male dominated. And there is like, there is a community, you know, it's not, I wouldn't say culty, but there is a community in the CrossFit kind of a lot of gyms that like people do become friends and get to meet each other and build rapport and if it's something you're getting into i could understand why that might make him feel a little you know nervous and insecure and he'd have the right to check it and ask but like he if that's what it is he should be direct about that

and just uh be more you know which i'm sure you'd probably appreciate where it's just like hey babe like you know i'm a little familiar with crossfit it's just like i'm glad you found something you really enjoy but i guess you know if i'm being honest i'm just a little uncomfortable like knowing that like you're you know probably getting to know a lot of new guys out there you're a beautiful woman i guess i'm just a little i guess you know, probably getting to know a lot of new guys out there. You're a beautiful woman. I guess I'm just a little, I guess, you know, it makes me feel a little insecure. And I wanted to talk with you about that. And then maybe then you could reassure him that like, listen, like, I don't know, these, I love you. I'm going to be happy with you. I'm excited about our relationship. And I hope that you trust me, but like, I'm just so you know that when I'm at the gym, while I might talk and

socialize that, like, I always go out of my way to make it very clear that I'm just so you know that when I'm at the gym, while I might talk and socialize that like, I always go out of my way to make it very clear that I'm unavailable. You know, everyone there knows I have a boyfriend. And so I think it's okay for you to just kind of nip some of these comments in the butt. It's like, hey, babe, I want to create a safe space for us to talk about things that bother us, but I want us to communicate and talk. I don't appreciate like comments under your breath. I don't appreciate like, yeah, there appreciate comments under your breath. I don't appreciate

comments under your breath or passive aggressive remarks about my body or things like that. I've really found something I really enjoy. I don't have any intention of drastically changing my body, but I like feeling in shape. I like feeling like I'm in the best shape of my

life. I like feeling toned. I hope that's okay with you. If you're going to cross for two days a week, you're not going to drastically transform your body. You're going to get in some really great shape and probably feel like you're feeling. More energy, more active. And that's great.

But like two days a week isn't going to, you're not going to add 15 pounds of muscle, most likely, you know. I'm not a dietician or a personal trainer. So, you know, no one can yell at me if I'm saying something wrong in that department. So I think this is more maybe take this as an opportunity to sit down with them and say, can we really talk about this? What bothers you the most about me doing CrossFit? And try to keep him on track. Because there's how he feels about how it might be changing your body. Again, he has the right to be attracted to what he wants, but how he communicates that is very important.

And at the end of the day, you aren't required to change for him you have the right to say well this is important to me i need you to accept and love me for who i am uh i hope me investing in myself and being in shape is something that you like and respect but like i can't make you be attracted to this but like i'm not gonna not take care of myself just so you know you are into me or something you know i just i would just set a hard boundary with that and then but i just feel like there's maybe a little something more you know because the way you're describing it could be like a hidden yeah we're like the well i don't like you the way you are is just a you know he doesn't like that you're going to the gym and hanging out with a bunch of dudes for two days a week.

Could be what he's thinking it is, but it's not really like that. But the part that I really didn't like is that he said, promise me you're not going to get muscular and I'll drop the issue. And I was like, I don't think I want to be making promises about how my personal body is going to look. Like it just really brought me the wrong way. Has he made comments like that like earlier on in the relationship or like how has he discussed kind of like physical appearance and attraction like previously? Does this feel like totally out of left field or is it like, oh, I guess this is kind of feels related to other comments he's made? He hasn't really made any comments in the past, just kind of since I started going to CrossFit. Even I would go to the gym before that and he wouldn't say really

anything. I think you're just going to have to... It's a new relationship, I guess is something to remember too. How he's communicating this is something you can talk through. I said, I think that's the same as asking someone not to get fat,

which he said that's not the same thing at all. I was like, well, I think it's the same as asking someone not to get fat, which he said, that's not the same thing at all. And I was like, well, I think it's exactly the same thing. Well, I mean, listen, it's just a matter of opinion. You know, you guys could literally debate that forever and you're never going to come to like a conclusion. You could probably find people who agree with you and he could probably find people who agree with him.

Like, that's not really the point. The point is, is like you two are in a relationship. And if you want to continue this relationship, you have to find common ground. You have to find ways to communicate. You know, you're still very much getting to know each other. It's only been six months. This is kind of the, you've reached a point of, you know, past honeymoon phase. You're comfortable with each other. You're settled. You're settled into the routine. You're comfortable with each other. You're settled into the routine. You're trying something new. It's creating some change. And he's reacting to that change.

But it's a touchy conversation, right? Because what if he did decide to drastically change how he took care of himself for better or worse, right? You might have an issue with that. If he changed his body in some way, whether you have the right to or not, you might have a certain feeling about it. And these are kind of very delicate conversations that couples need to try to have while trying to respect their partner's desire to do what they want. know at the same time in a relationship like we want to know what our partner's attracted to you know like hey what what what cologne do you like i want to wear that you know i've asked you know i've asked natalie like hey like if you know like would

you want me to pump my iron or get bigger like what what are you attracted to on a guy like you know stuff like that i've asked girlfriends you know and at times i've wanted to do things that make them more attractive you know so like it's it's it's a little touchy um at the end of the day you're gonna do what you want to do and you have the right to do that and maybe it's just how he says it to you that bothers you yeah yeah it just seems, rude at times. Or like he saw calluses on my hands from like the barbells and he was like, oh, that's gross or whatever. Yeah, that's unnecessary.

Or anytime I bring it up. Yeah. Like anytime I bring it up, he's just like, oh, very good. Like very sarcastic, like in a rude tone. So I'm just like, oh, well, I kind of want to share something with you if I'm interested in it. But maybe your boyfriend of six months who you're still getting to know you're realizing is maybe more into a more demure woman and maybe that's his personal taste and he's kind of an asshole for how he communicates about it but it might not change what he's attracted to that's

true yeah yeah so i guess like my question to you is like, is there anything wrong with telling your partner like your ideal body type and like, how should that be communicated? I think it's very nuanced. I think it's wrong to be in a relationship and, and try to change them into what you want them to be. I think there's, you know, I think every relationship requires a great deal of acceptance. We have to accept our partners as they are. In every relationship, it's okay to say, you know, we always date people and we say like, I want you to make me a better version of myself or some version of that. So like, yeah, in all relationships, we want to challenge our partners

to support them being their best selves, whatever that is. Maybe that's their physical health or mental health or emotional health and things like that. Or, you know, for example, I can be absent-minded, I can be aloof, and Natalie will challenge me to be more present and things like that. And I appreciate that, right? She will encourage me to do other things. I like to encourage her to do some things. But at the end of the day, I have to accept who she is for her strengths and her weaknesses. If I want to be with her and she has to accept my strengths and weaknesses, if she wants to be with me and she's not going to change me, you know, like I'm a fairly lean,

muscular guy. I'm six, two, I'm a buck 90, you know, I'm not a big, thick kind of, you know, guy. And if now I was like, well, I'm a buck 90. I'm not a big, thick kind of guy.

And if now I was just like, well, I'm not going to start pumping a bunch of fucking iron and gain 30 pounds of muscle just so my... That would just... I can't and I don't want to and I'm not interested. And that to me would be drastically changing my body and I'm just not willing to do that for anyone because this is too much. That's different than asking her, what do you like?

And just putting a little work because I want my girlfriend to be attracted to me. You know what I'm saying? So I guess it's nuanced. I do think it's okay for couples to, again, share what they're attracted to. I think that's okay. But there is a line. And I think in every relationship, you guys have to find what that line is. And a lot of it comes down to how we communicate that. And I think sometimes we like want there to be an answer to these things of like,

this is what's okay. This is what's not okay. So that way we can know like, all right, I know I'm not accepting less than I deserve, or I know I'm not being unfair and like my expectations for this person. And I think, you know, even though it's like a lot more confusing and less kind of clear, a lot of times it's just like how you feel about it. Like if in your gut rubbed you the wrong way and you were like, whoa, hold on, like you're trying to like, you know, then like that is 100 percent valid. Or and like if in his gut, he honestly feels like he could not authentically be attracted to a partner in certain conditions, then he's allowed to feel that way. But he's also expected to communicate it in the kindest, most mature way possible, which maybe not where he's at now.

But yeah, to Amanda's point, you're not okay with it. And that's kind of what matters. Yeah, it definitely rubbed me the wrong way. It would rub me the wrong way too, you know? Well, especially because you've done something that you're excited about, you feel proud of yourself, you found this new thing. And then like, you know, we want our partners to support the things that we are excited about. And he's doing the opposite. As far as him being like, you know, I don't want a muscular girl. What does that even mean? You know, because there's a difference difference between getting in shape and getting more tone or having an eight pack and veins popping out. I think it comes down to you don't feel supported by this new thing that you've found joy out of.

And I think you have every right to be frustrated that instead of him supporting you, he is minimizing what you found happiness in, and he is finding ways to kind of take that away from you rather than finding ways to support you. And then in a far more delicate and empathetic way, recognizing that we all are very sensitive about our bodies, especially when people critique them, because it takes a lot of fucking hard work to change our bodies, however we want to change them. And when feedback is not given in a very delicate and compassionate, empathetic way, it can be really hurtful. And I'm sure he would feel the same way if you started critiquing him or telling him what you know what you don't like that he might or you know something he's working into and all of a sudden you're like well i don't know i don't i'm not

attracted to that you know like he'd get real defensive yeah for sure i wonder if there's some insecurity there like he used to be heavy into the gym as well and like lately he's just busy and life doesn't really go so i'm like well maybe like maybe he's not feeling so good about himself that he's not doing those things anymore so yeah i'm like well maybe like maybe he's not feeling so good about himself that he's not doing those things anymore so yeah i'm not sure if there's like an underlying insecurity or something that could be could be triggering triggering those responses i guess accuse him of the insecurity just ask him questions about how why he feels the way he does and communicate why you feel the way you do and what's important to you and you

have the right to say well this is something i really enjoy and i i would really like your support and if calluses on my hand are such a big deal then like i that's so that's fucking nitpicky that just is it's so it's so fucking nitpicky. But there are guys fucking like that. Yeah, for sure. And so you just have to figure out whether this is just a combination of him being uncomfortable with you spending all this time at the gym, or maybe he's just not attracted to super muscular women. And that's fine.

But maybe you have no intention of becoming a super muscular woman. You just want to like stay in shape and you enjoy crossfit and you like feeling a little more tight and a little more toned and having a little more muscle and have it be a little easier to pick a shit up and you know and that's awesome yeah like i don't even think i have the body type to get super muscular so yeah it's bizarre that you've been like lifting a little bit of weights for two months and he's having this type of reaction. Yeah, I agree. And you have the right instincts like you wrote in. You're like, I think this is weird. And now you can like have a conversation

about it. And so like just like keep trusting your gut because it's like truly it's essential in this case when there aren't absolutes of moral right or wrong. It's really just about like what is truly like right or wrong for you. Definitely. Yeah. I agree with that. I like your advice. Thanks. Yeah. And just remember it's early, it's six months and it's never too early to start couples therapy too, if you really like this guy. And this is a very, this is a touchy subject. It is, it's, it's, it's hard to navigate. And if you, if, if everything else about this guy and this relationship is solid and you've hit this kind of like red flag early on or this kind of like bump in the road

that you guys aren't seeing eye to eye, like I think, you know, maybe you suggest couples therapy as a way to navigate this thing so that you guys don't trigger each other because it is a sensitive topic and it's hard to navigate these conversations sometimes without a third party

and it's very to navigate these conversations sometimes without a third party. And it's very easy to trigger one another when we discuss sensitive topics. Maybe he has the best intentions and he's just fucking up. I don't know. But I think Amanda said it best. There's no black and white right or wrong, but you feel a certain way about it and it bothers you and that's valid. For sure. Yeah. It's kind of in your relationship. So I find like the honeymoon phase is over. So now it's like when you really get to know somebody after that, right?

So I'm just, I guess on high alert, like I don't want to get into a bad relationship because I have my two girls and stuff. Just talk with them. Yeah. Just be like, hey, this is something I really want to talk with you about. Like we can work through it. Like not these conversations don't get resolved in necessarily one conversation. And again, like, you know, six months in, you know, feels like the honeymoon phase is over. See if he's open to couples therapy, you know? And again, like it's not what we have these big problems. It's

just like, Hey, like, I really like what we we have here there's a lot of good in our relationship there's this bump in the road and i'd rather just like get you know like let's let's make the investment to see if this relationship's really it and like let's get a professional third-party person to help mediate some of these issues so that we can build on the first great six months and ensure that we stay connected and we find ways to trigger each other less and work through our triggers so that we can build on this great connection. And if he's unwilling to do that and still willing to criticize you about the things that you find joy in, then maybe you need to reconsider the relationship. Yeah, that makes sense for sure. All right.

Yeah, sounds good. All right, well, good luck. Keep us posted. We will definitely want an update on how this issue is resolved for sure. I'll keep you posted for sure. All right, good luck. It was nice to meet you.

I've been your fan for a long time. Oh, well, thank you. Likewise. And congrats on finding a passion of yours. I mean, I think stuff like this, especially when we hit 30 and midlife, I guess if of yours. I mean, I think stuff like this, especially like, and like when we hit 30 and, you know, midlife, I guess, if you want to call it like, you know, it's easy to have sports and community when we're younger, but like, it's harder to find and, you know, and so the fact that you found it, regardless of like how it changes your body,

I think don't, don't be so willing to let go of that. Ask him to join too. Maybe he'll go with you. Would you like to come with me? If nothing else, it might diminish any kind of fears of, oh, why does she want to go to this gym without me? Just invite him along. I'd like to do this together with you. Yeah, I tried that one time. Oh, okay.

Great. Well. He said it wasn't his thing, so. And that's fine. But it's yours. It's yours. So he's got to get with the program. And you invited him and you gave that's fine. But it's yours. It's yours. He's got to get with the program. And you invited him and you gave him an opportunity to share it with you.

And that's fine. It's fine if he didn't want to do it. But he doesn't get to take away your ability to make friends and have a hobby and have a passion. Yeah, for sure. All right. Sounds good. Thank you. All right.

Take care. Good luck. Okay, bye. All right, bye-bye. That one's a tougher one. yeah for sure all right sounds good thank you all right take care good luck okay bye that one's a tougher one i'm really curious what people think on that like in the comments because it's a really nuanced issue and people have and bodies are so you know they're so linked to trauma and the body keeps the score like we all and yeah but it's true it's like yeah people's different fitness routines and i think especially now it's like certain trends of whether it's intermittent fasting or like cutting and bulking and all this other stuff like your body can really change and so at what

point is that kind of a conversation with your partner of okay well this is what i'm doing this is different you know yeah yeah i mean when we we meet people and we like something and then they change what we liked, I mean, those conversations get brought up. It's just how we handle it. And we have to just be delicate and empathetic and recognize that it's a sensitive issue when we start critiquing, especially when the person you're critiquing is making such a significant investment in this change that they're doing. And it's a balance. But we also want our partners to be attracted to us. And we're so full of should statements when it comes to this. Like, I should be unconditionally attracted to someone. Like, there's all these, I think people feel a lot of shame if they're not attracted to someone. And that is interfering with the connection of I'm shallow, I'm superficial, I'm not okay in that regard.

There's also a lot of should statements and the other end of like, I should look a certain way. I should, I don't know, just meet other people's needs in that regard. And I think it's when you add in all of these like different rules that people are operating under

that are conflicting. To me, it was like his remarks about the calluses on the hand. Oh, that was fun. It's just like, all like all right you're not you're just fucking nitpicking and just you're too fucking i also think with stuff like that it was kind of aligning with this whole other trope of like men not wanting women to be like powerful in certain ways or wanting it to be more like delicate yeah so it's like it's then you're it's confusing because then you're in there's this whole parallel dynamic to this stuff that can also be completely separate.

You can have a conversation about attraction and what you're physically attracted to without all of that. But when it happens to align with that, that makes it even more. Yeah. For me particularly, I'm not attracted to super muscular features on women. Like a six pack, that wouldn't be my favorite thing but like at the same time like natalie's you know like a year ago started like lifting more weights and i thought it was amazing and great i just like the fact that she was you know she she kind of openly talked about like she just doesn't like working out is not something that comes naturally to her she's been blessed

to not have to do it as much but like she's really invested in doing it and amazing and like like honestly like i haven't even paid too much attention to like how it's changed her but like i think it's just incredible that she's doing it because she gets confidence from it and it's something she hasn't done before but to sit there like i have certainly haven't looked at her hands but it's a byproduct and i think specifically with this collar she does crossfit because finally as a single mother she has time to herself yeah and it's empowering and it's almost like therapy to her so her body she's not even going in it's two days a week for an hour like the body changes a byproduct but that's not the thing she's not going into it to do it and i think about like when i was really

really into soul cycle and that was my therapy medicine like three times a week. And my quads were like, they were muscular as hell. But I was thinking about it. Who don't mind some muscular quads? But I was like, if Promising Young Man had at that point been like, baby, you have to stop going to SoulCycle. I can't with these quads.

I would have lost my shit. Yeah, you can't say it like that. Yeah. I'm curious if people in the comments, like if it's something you've body type and attraction or preferences there is something that you've addressed with a partner and like you've successfully done it or there's been language that people have used for you that's like been kind and communicated in a way that like got through to you i would really like to know because i don't think we have a model for that and then conversely because it can be so hard to communicate i

sometimes get really paranoid that it's like oh well if he weren't attracted to me like he wouldn't tell me that because he like it's so hard to do delicately so then i'm like like coming up with all these like you know i'm conspiracy theorizing it's a very nuanced conversation so we want to hear your takes and thoughts we love them drop them, all you shoppers out there that love to shop and also earn some money while you do it. Rakuten is the solution for you. Rakuten is an online shopping platform that rewards you for shopping. Rakuten gives you cash back when you shop at thousands of brands across almost every category from apparel to shoes to home essentials and more. Just listen to some of the places.

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and not sure if I'm overreacting or not. Okay. Tell us about the boys trip. Yeah. So my boyfriend went on a 10 day boys trip with his friends and they went jungle trekking for the most part. So he was off the grid pretty much the whole time. Didn't hear from him via text phone. I knew this ahead of time, but it just really freaked me out the whole time. Didn't hear from him via text, phone. I knew this ahead of time, but it just really freaked me out the whole time. I really didn't like not hearing from him, being alone. What freaked you out? It was not a good time. I think physically not having him around, but also just not having that lifeline of that person that I find comfort in to reach out and safety blanket in a way. Yeah. Do you live with your boyfriend?

I do. We've lived together for the past three years and we've been together for six. And I'm assuming you spend most of your nights together. Yeah. Pretty much every night. Yeah. 10 days is a long trip. It is.

And when we do take trips away from each other, they're typically weekend trips, long weekends, and typically can hear from each other via text and stuff that whole time. So this is the first time I've not spoken to him for that long of a period of time. So what bothered you the most? Was there any trust-like thoughts or anything like that? Where did your mind go? What did you struggle with the most? Less so about trust and more so feeling disappointed in myself

for not feeling like I could be without him. I thought it would maybe be hard in the beginning for the first couple of days, but then I'd be able to distract myself and enjoy being alone. And I just genuinely really hated it. Like I really hated being alone. I felt like I always had to have podcasts on, always have a show on, call my friends constantly. And it made me uncomfortable that I felt like I just truly couldn't be by myself. Okay. I don't think it's that big of a deal. I don't know. I'm not an expert here. And if you have a therapist, maybe run it by them. But you enjoy hanging out with your boyfriend. 10 days is a really long time.

I also think it's very natural if you get really used to something. I even noticed that when I go home or if I spend a full weekend with my best friend and her husband, I then go back to my studio apartment by myself and I'm very comfortable living alone. But once you have that kind of interaction or once you have someone to be with,

yeah, then all of a sudden, like the silence seems so much worse. And that's when you kind of like panic. Yeah. Natalie is literally, Natalie is home visiting her her family right now she's only gone for four days but i was like fuck i was good how do you how do you like it well i'm i don't mind being alone and you know i'm a bit introverted so like overall like i don't go into panic mode or anything but also it was like monday night and i was like i can't go to bed now that's ridiculous you know that's pretty much when it hit me every night.

I felt like I had so much time on my hands. Yeah. Cause I love spending time with her, you know? So I don't think it's that big of a deal. The simple fact that he went, like there's a lot of people in relationships that wouldn't even like be okay with their partner going on a 10 day trip where they're going to be off the

grid. And you were. Yeah. And the worst part about it was you kind of hated it. I don't think that's that big of a deal. And clearly it sounds like there have been other mini trips that you've taken independently of one another. So I don't think there's any major red flags of this unhealthy codependency

where you're just like we literally just can't be away from each other and this you know we we refuse to ever take trips so you know we can't not be by each other's side i i'm not i'm not hearing that you know it's just and the fact that like the fact that it bothers you that you were like that i think to me demonstrates a level of like that self-awareness where it's just like to me that shows that you were like that, I think to me demonstrates a level of like that self-awareness where it's just like, to me, that shows that you have a desire to have independence, right? And I think that's important because there are some people out there who don't even have the desire.

They're just like, I don't know. I never want to be alone. I'm not interested. I can't do it. Like, I will die if I'm not with you. Like, that's not you. Like, you recognize the importance of of having a little bit of independence. And while it's not your favorite thing in the world,

you would like to be able to say that you could be the person who could do that. And you kept yourself busy. And what's so wrong? And you said to yourself, well, I couldn't go. I had to listen to all these podcasts. Great, you kept yourself busy.

What were you supposed to do? Sit on a couch and stare at a wall? You filled in your time that was usually filled with companionship with your boyfriend and conversations with your boyfriend or whatever you guys do, and you had to find other things. That's normal. I think you're probably being a little too hard on yourself. And 10 days is a long fucking trip especially when you go from like living with someone and communicating on a regular basis to not having any contact with them whatsoever

yeah i can rattle yeah i guess i just i just felt like and i think i was being hard on myself because i know that there's people in long distance relationships and things like that or people whose you know partners are in the army or something and they don't hear or see them for a really long time. And I just felt like, oh, it's a 10-day trip. Yes, that's long for us. But there's just something about... Yeah, there's a lot of people who would be like,

you know what? I don't want to date someone in the army. There's also, you get used to that, if I'm being honest. I had a guy once who was in basic training for two or three months and I was like, I'm not going to hear from him. You get used to it. That's your new normal. Long distance, that's your new normal long distance that's your new normal you guys had

a different normal so you can't compare yourself to the people who adjust to that yeah and long distance like you could still face them every day in certain long distance situations you know what i'm saying like now he's been gone for a few days but you could argue that we've talked more you went from not only not seeing him to not having any access to him. And to Allie's point, you're right. Like, yeah, that's not your normal. And people in long distance relationships make adjustments. And I'm assuming, and I don't know a lot of people who are in relationships with someone

overseas in the army, but I'd be willing to bet a lot of them were like, yeah, the first couple of weeks fucking sucked. I didn't think I was going to be able to do it. Right. And then, you know, I got used to it and I just, you know, they, they start building new lives literally. So I think you're okay. You know, I think, you know, you're self-aware, you're, you're self-critical, which is, there's a, there's a healthy amount of that to just, you know, you're kind of checking in with

yourself. Hey, am I being a little too needy? Am I being a little too, you know, codependent? But I don't know. Most people in loving and healthy relationships who enjoy spending quality time with their partner would very much not enjoy being completely disconnected from their partner for 10 days and they might just like you have moments of frustration and not know how to fill their time and like literally be like all right well it's fucking 7 30 can i go to bed now or is that nuts because like even like tv it's just like nally and i we like watching a lot of our shows together so it's like well i don't want to start a new show without her so i guess i'll just watch a movie i've already seen that i know she doesn't want to watch you know because like we like our tv time together you know and we like watching shit so

it just like fucks up your routine especially when you're in the environment that you share with him like because i feel like i don't know if i were you and i were in this situation i think the place my head would be going would be like i am not self-sufficient like I am scared because like what if this like what if there's a scenario where I'm no longer in the situation with this boy and I have completely lost my self-sufficiency and it's like so many things would need to happen to get there but even if that were the case you like you'd be in a different space like things would change like I think not using this as like ammunition for anxiety. And if you do find yourself like kind of being hard on yourself or like in your gut being like,

am I not independent enough? Like asking yourself, like, what would that look like? Instead of not just like, what would it not look like? What can I criticize? Like, okay, like what would it look like if I were quote more independent tonight? Like, what, like, what am I even, what standard am I even holding myself to? And then if it appeals to you, like, go for it. If you're like, if I were more independent, I what like what am I even what standard am I even holding myself to and then if it appeals to you like go for it if you're like if I were more independent I would go to this one I would take myself to this restaurant that I've always been wanting to go to I would call this friend but you know whatever it is and like you can always do things like that but I feel like you shouldn't be hard on yourself no that's nice I yeah I think I am hard on myself and I just worry too that even when we are, like if we're not going to have a trip for a long time, that we really do spend

so much time together. And I just, part of me wants that independence, but part of me doesn't. What's your girlfriend situation? Like what friends do you have? Most of my friends have moved away since the pandemic. So it's a lot of long distance friendships right now, which, you know. So there may be a little bit of that, that you're feeling, you know, you've lost that companionship with your friends. And like, so maybe this uses an opportunity. You're checking in with yourself and you're just like, hey, I love my boyfriend. I love spending a ton of time with him. But like, and you're only 24 years old. Maybe I need to be maybe I need to make making friends just, you know know up it in the priority kind of department so you don't have to go panic and start your friend shopping but just know just kind of say to yourself I would like to make some new friends and that's okay and then you know as adults I think we have to get better at making new friends so just like naming it and putting it out there

and be open to the possibility and you know like when you meet a woman that you connect with you're just you know hey would you like to get together it can be a little awkward but like i think maybe it maybe you're you're sensing that lack of friendship that you have and they're uh in relationships as much you like hanging with your boyfriend you there might be times where if he has a guy's night out and you don't have friends to go hang out with it you feel that much more needy you're just like well fuck i just like i'm alone and i i that's it's a crappy feeling so let this be just like a signal that maybe you want to cultivate or just focus on making a couple more friends they don't have to become best friends they don't have to necessarily replace the friends

that you have or moved away but just like people you enjoy hanging out with and who knows those could blossom into closer friendships or maybe just their nice companionship. So, you know, it's not a reason to panic, but just it might be just a note to yourself that you want to like, you know, prioritize making some friends a little bit. Also, I think the more honest and transparent you can be when making those friends is even more impressive. I remember going on a Bumble BFF date with a girl who said, I have a very serious boyfriend. We've been together for years. Like we, they're now engaged. But she said, we recently moved here and I felt like I was really dependent on him.

So I'm really challenging myself to meet new girlfriends. And I thought that was so impressive. And I was like, absolutely. I volunteer. Let's go get drinks. You know, like once a month you just get drinks or have a dinner or catch up. You know, it could be friendshipships can serve all these different purposes. But yeah, hearing that,

that a lot of your friends moved away, that makes sense, especially as a 24-year-old woman, that as much as you love your boyfriend and love spending time with your boyfriend, it'd be nice to have other people that you can have quality time with, even when he's around,

but especially when he's not. And I think if nothing else, it just created some urgency in that department rather than any criticism about your relationship. Yeah. And I do think I've been aware of that. And that's kind of a whole nother thing, finding adult friendships.

I know you've all talked about it before. It's really hard. It's so hard. You gotta put yourself out there. It's really, I mean, honestly, I'm really like, I'm in awe of Natalie, how she does it. Cause she's so just like, do you wanna be friends? Do you wanna hang out?

We should be friends. She's just like, she's, and it's, she's so like whatever about it, you know, where even me, I'm like, wow, that's like, just bold of you. Like just. You could get rejected. You just like ask some person, you know, like,

but you know, you just got to try it. There's such a desire for friendship out there nowadays, especially with people like you at your age, just because, you know, especially with COVID, I think COVID, you know, definitely rattled and drastically changed friends dynamics. People had to move and just like, you know, people are just more in their phones and less in and connecting less in the real world and i think we just really have to strive to put ourselves out there and make friends and and go out of our way and face some discomfort in that department but like the the benefits were are definitely worth it fair enough all right um well make that a goal of yours uh give it a shot yeah uh bumble bff what

are there other things out there that might work other suggestions there's honestly a lot of good Facebook groups I found like whenever

I move to a new city like there's this group called Social Girls LA there's the Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday Book Clubs like truly better days than never

group chat wild stuff people making friends in there friendship if you make it a priority and then you're open to try new things

it'll happen it'll take a little time but it'll happen that's a nice way to look about it because I do feel like, oh, it's just not going to happen and pessimistic. But yeah, well, if you do that, it won't happen. Yeah, right. Yeah, it'll definitely happen. Just make it a priority and try to say yes to things you might normally say no to because you're just like, yeah all right good luck keep us posted all right yeah i'm gonna email you in like a month and i want to hear that you have at least like one new friend or attempt at friendship or just that you're putting yourself

out there in a way that is meaningful wait yeah do we know do we know what city you're in what city are you in i'm in washington dc oh oh my god i have people i could connect you with should i make a group chat oh my god God. Connect us. Let's do it. But also DC is a tough city to make friends in. Like that's also a city. It's also a city. I'm not saying it's like, I think it's definitely worthwhile.

I just want to validate that. Like, I feel like DC in particular is like a really transient, transactional place sometimes. I know you're an empathetic queen. I just think everyone in every city, there's no group of eligible people in the city I live in. Like, listen, you live in empathetic queen. I just think everyone in every city, there's no eligible people in the city I live in. Like, listen, you live in a massive city with millions of people.

You can find friends. I think we just need to change the attitude. It's just all you have to add is a little bit of patience and time. If you go in with like, I need to find a friend in a week, well, then you're setting yourself up for failure. Set yourself up for success. Just make it a priority. Hey, in the next year, I'd like to try to be more open to making friends. And I'm going to be more willing to get out of my comfort zone and say yes to opportunities that might introduce me to more people. And that's all you got to do.

And I promise you, you'll make some friends. All right. I'll let you know. All right. Take care. Also, I think I know two incredible girls who listen to Vile Files or Friends of Friends. I think they're in DC, but I just sent a text to make sure. I will low-key connect you guys via email if you ever just want to grab a drink because you all listen to the show. That's really nice, actually. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's nice to have those little things in common with the people. Perfect. I'll let you know.

I'm waiting to hear. Awesome. Thanks for having me. Have a good day. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks.

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All right. Well, when we did match on social... Time out there. Let's just stop with the self-judgment. People meet on dating apps. It's fine. Continue. Okay. So we matched on a dating app and he messaged me asking me if I worked at a restaurant about eight years ago in a different city. And I was like, what? Yes, I did. Like, I don't remember you, unfortunately, but he remembered me.

So we talked for a bit on there and I was pretty fed up with dating apps. So I deleted it, but he had my number and he reached out shortly after. So we were in communication. We finally agreed to hang out and we didn't really plan like a date or anything like that, but we're both like very, like just chill, like kind of want to go out in nature type people. So we agreed to like go out to a viewpoint and watch the sunset, have a drink or whatever. So we did that. It went really well. He was like very, very into me. And I was like, okay, like was taking it really fast,

but I was just going with the flow. And I'm a very straightforward person. So I straight up was just like, Hey, like, why are you on that dating app? Like, what are you looking for on there? And he was like, Oh, I'm just looking to meet friends and like, or potentially more, I just kind of want to see where things go. And I was like, yeah, I'm in the same boat. But like, eventually, I do want to settle down and begin building my life with someone. He's like, yeah, me too. I just kind of want to see where things go. And I was like, yeah, I'm in the same boat. But like, eventually I do want to settle down and begin building my life with someone. He's like, yeah, me too. It just, it takes time. I'm like, of course. So anyways, like rewind, like probably like rewind, fast forward, like three months and it's still going well. We're hanging out, I would say like once a week around there. I wasn't really questioning anything

relationship wise yet, just because I didn't want to pressure him or do anything like that. So we were keeping it pretty low key, but I started to get the feels and just, it was just, we were treating it like more than a friendship in my opinion, just what we were doing and being intimate and our chemistry and everything like that. So I finally, one day was just kind of like, okay, so like, where are we going with this? And he was just like, whoa, like, like, I don't know, like, like, no, I'm not ready. And I was like, okay, like, totally fair. But like, I just feel like we're being a little bit more than friends. And

he agreed, but was just like, no, I'm'm definitely not ready so I kind of took that with I was just like okay so I wasn't like setting myself into a point where I was like hey I'm dating I'm not I was just like not really interested in anyone else or doing anything else so continued that it seemed to get even more serious in my opinion so I ended up having the conversation of like hey what are we doing like I not going to sit here and wait for you forever. Like, you're clearly interested. You're just not wanting to put a label on it. So he was finally was like, you know what?

I'll put a label on it. That's what you want. Like, if I'm willing to try to be with you for you. And I was just like, whoa, OK. Like, in my opinion, nothing's really going to change. Like, we're already doing what dating couples, I would say, would do. And we're already being communicative and open with each other. And he's like, yeah, of course.

And literally nothing changed. At any point, did you have the, are you sleeping with other people? Are you dating other people? Are you off the apps? Or did you just assume that? I tried not to just because I didn't want to seem crazy. I know that's silly. But we did, I think, about like i don't know at the time

probably like four months in where i was just like like i'm not like are you and he's like no i'm not and i was like okay he's like i just don't want to date and i was like okay but it was like weird and i think that almost made it feel more couple-y to me the fact that we were both like not seeing other people you're you're definitely yeah. I mean, maybe you know this, but you did all the wrong things in the beginning. You're not crazy. Like, we just have to stop with this whole, like, asking basic questions and having basic expectations

does not make you crazy. Yeah, it might mean you get an answer you don't want to hear, but you're not crazy. And we need to stop letting people, if they react, when they say, oh my God, what are you talking, like, what do you mean?

Like, that's a them problem. That's, their reaction is crazy. You know, when you start watching Sunsets, you began the story by saying he was moving really fast and you were just going with the flow. And then you immediately followed that up by saying, you asked him like why he's on the apps and he's just like, well, I'm just here to like meet friends.

So in that moment, you had the right to say, oh, well, thanks for sharing. And you do it even playfully. You seem really into me. I don't know. We're watching sunsets. That's a romantic thing. That's not a friend thing. And you had the right to call him out. And you don't have to be aggressive about it. You can be playful with it. But his actions and his words even in that moment early on weren't making sense and that was already a red flag of someone who whose actions weren't matching their words it's that's crazy you know it's crazy when what we say things and do another over and over and over anyway so nothing changed you guys are now boyfriend and girlfriend like yes i guess he's super weird

about the label which i tried to respect how old is he opinion we were already he's 31 okay i don't think he's had a lot no i i know he hasn't had a lot of experience in the past dating in general like i think he's had two relationships that were very short and didn't last i don't really know much he honestly doesn't open up a lot about those kind of things but so yes we're technically had two relationships that were very short and didn't last. I don't really know much. He honestly doesn't open up a lot about those kinds of things. But so yes, we're technically dating at this point. And like I said, nothing changed at all. And I'm really open. I almost hold back from being open with him because I don't want to scare him away, which is my own problem. You've made that very clear. Yeah.

I think everything's going fine. We don't see each other a lot. He's extremely busy. I'm extremely busy. But in my head, like he can make time for me. Like I can make time for him. So we were seeing each other, I would say once or twice a week still.

And it was going well, not texting a lot, which is okay. But I went away for Christmas. Is it okay? is that what you preferred was that your preferred means of communication you know why i just feel like if we're not seeing each other a lot we should maybe like be checking in on each other or like i guess i text them every now and then but we were never like having a conversation on text message ever why are you so willing to accept the absolute bare minimum?

Oh, I know. I'm guilty of that. I fully admit. I even tell him, again, we'll get to more of the story, but that I'm like, I don't ask for much. I really just kind of want to know what's going on and that's about it, which is my fault. I should have expressed that I'm looking for more, I guess, but I like trying to respect his boundaries,

which I don't think he really understands what, I think just like the fact that he's not ready for a relationship. And I'm very like, I am. So I'm very like, I don't even think he knows what that is. I'm trying not to be pushy. It's not that he's not ready for a relationship.

It's not that he's doesn't read for relationship. He has, you have not given him any reason to make a sacrifice for you and so like logically he's just like i'm not ready for this relationship because a relationship means more expectations and less of less time for me to do whatever the fuck i want when i want to do it yeah which is what i was trying to explain to him was like being in a relationship versus exactly what we're doing at this moment. Not in one isn't going to really change because I'm not like,

okay, six o'clock every single Tuesday, we have to meet up and you have to see me and you have to text me every morning before 9am. Like I have like, you're not going to do that because I tried to make that clear to him. But, but yeah,

but, but why? Because like, yeah, you're not going to be like, I need to see you every day at 6 p.m. That's just weird. But I feel like if you were being honest with yourself, you would want more from him. You would want him to go out of his way to make you more of a priority. want him to go out of his way to make you more of a priority. You would want him to think of you while he's not with you and find ways to show you he cares about you. And you would want him to do, you know, the occasional little thing to make you feel like he values you and your time.

Would you enjoy those things? A hundred percent. Yeah. Yeah. So why do you you like the way you talk you're just like you know i don't really need it i don't care about this you like you literally keep saying i just want the bare minimum okay not literally because you haven't actually said that but you're basically saying i want the bare minimum but that's not what you want and it's okay to say that's not what you want. You should want more, and I say this with love. This is very much your fault, you know? I don't know if this guy, what he's going to do,

but there's a world in which he might come around. Some person is going, like this guy, and I think, sadly, this is the way dating has gone, and it's a whole, you know, like just dating apps. You know, I do think people should stop shaming themselves for using them. And I think people can use them as a way to meet people. But, like, I don't think they're doing anyone any good in terms of successful dating or feeling, you know, it's just a validation or rejection tool at this point. And we just have to start holding these people

more accountable and just say, I'm not going to accept less than what I want. And if you want me, you're gonna have to give it to me. And you don't even do it with your words. You just do it with your actions. You just say like, this is what I want. And then if you do, let me know if you do. And those men find that, they find it know, they don't think you're crazy. If, if you were to set a

boundary and enforce it, the right guy is going to find it attractive and the wrong guy is just going to find it inconvenient, not crazy. He's just going to find it inconvenient. Whatever he says, you know, Oh, this is nuts. What do you mean? Slow down. That might make you feel crazy because society or whatever has told you that you can't possibly ask for more than the bare minimum. I don't know. But you're not crazy. He just finds it really inconvenient. Again, I've said people find all boundaries inconvenient because a boundary is basically

saying you can no longer have the thing that you were getting and to get the thing that you were getting for free, I now want something in return. And if you had free gas for a year and then all of a sudden someone's like, you showed up to pump your gas, they're like, oh, sorry, you're gonna have to pay for that now. You're gonna be like, what? I don't want to do that. What are you talking about? Like, whoa, like whatever, what happened to like the free gas, you know? Like, and that's what he's doing. You know, he's just reacting, literally, just reacting like a child

because the thing he's been getting for free, you're hinting that you no longer wanna give for free, but you're still giving it for free. You're barely even putting up a fight. But until someone says, I'm no longer, no, you just, you can't have this. I'm not afraid of not filling up your tank. it for free you're barely even putting up a fight but until you someone says i'm no longer no you just you can't have this i'm not afraid of not filling up your tank you know and if you want to go somewhere else if you can find someone else to give you free gas good luck i am no longer

gonna you know do that because i have you know bills to pay and you and you have a tank to fill, so to speak, your heart, your needs, your emotional needs. He is depleting you. He is sucking the life out of you. You're spending all this time wondering, wanting more, convincing yourself that you're just okay with these little crumbs. And he's so busy at work. And you know what?

I get one day a week with my kind of boyfriend and that's fine. It's totally fine. I don't want to expect anything from him. I don't want to ask him anything because that's, I don't want to be crazy. The only thing that's making you crazy is the fact that you're okay with this shit. I say this all with love. I think you're a wonderful person. I hope I'm not being too hard on you.

No, thank you. No, I need to hear it sometimes too because like i have these conversations myself where i'm like you know what no like i'm chill i'm just waiting or i'm just like seeing where it goes or i don't need this from him but like fuck boys like chill girls boyfriends like not so much yeah i mean listen like don't be wrong i love i love a chill girl. But I also love a girl who has expectations. I love a woman who knows what she wants. And I love a woman who expects a lot from me. I want her to be chill.

Chill is not overreacting when I fuck up or do something and losing their mind and gaslighting me and yelling at me and calling me names because I didn't meet their expectations. That's not chill. gaslighting me and like you know yelling at me and calling me names because like i i didn't meet their expectations that's not chill you're you're thinking like having needs is you not being chill like what like what is that that doesn't even make sense i know i also just find it very hard to find in this generation like and i know like there's people out there for sure but just like dating in my past, I know I'm 27,

but in my earlier 20s, I was in longer relationships. But those people were like, I want to be with you and make you mine right now. And we're dating. As in now I can't even get someone to think about dating me. It's just like, no, no, we have to be casual. Yet in their head, they're not telling me it's casual. They're like, no, no, we're more than friends. We're just not in a relationship. And I'm like, dating culture is a nightmare right now with this

noncommittal attitude and hookup culture. But I think we have to take more accountability for the people who want to be in more committed relationships and, and start expecting more and start putting out your expectations early read the signs you know early on like when you're watching fucking sunsets and having a romantic moment and he's going out of his way early on and you're like wow this guy's moving fast like it's okay to say it's okay to name that and be like hey i you say i really like you but like wow you're you're moving really fast you always move this fast like we just met like challenge these guys like guys like to be challenged you know and that's not crazy no guy is gonna be like oh fuck you're

crazy that's not crazy crazy is when when guys think women are crazy it's when y'all like overreact on like what feels like to us like little shit when we fuck up. No guy worth your time is going to think you're crazy by having expectations, by saying, by calmly saying, hey, listen, it's cool if like, you don't, you know, you're not looking at it, but I am. And like, I just don't want to keep doing this. And like, if you change your mind, call me. That's calm as shit. There's nothing crazy about that.

It comes across with confidence, you know, the crazy is losing your mind call me that's calm as shit there's nothing crazy about that yeah it comes across with confidence you know the crazy is losing your mind and yelling and saying name and name calling like in my head i have been not harsh but like this is what i want and whatever to him but i feel like i just get sucked right back in like and he's like oh i can't give you that and i'm like okay and like two weeks later i'm like no he chooses not to he can I can't give you that. And I'm like, okay. And like two weeks later, I'm like, so remember when I said that like it's so bad. No, he chooses not to. He can. This guy can give you it. He doesn't want to.

He finds it inconvenient. He doesn't need to. Yeah. And he's not going to. We all as humans will take what we get for free. We just like most people aren't like, you know what? Let me pay for that. So.

No, it's true. You gotta, you have to start expecting more. So are we still talking to this guy yeah yeah it's um so since then we like when we agreed to try to be boyfriend girlfriend um he came over like nothing really changed he came over one night and then randomly was just like oh by the way like i i can't date you but but like, I really want to continue this. And I was like, wait, what? That was the last conversation? Like literally nowhere. No, that was like December, January. Oh shit. And it, yeah, it sucked. And I was like, okay, yeah. Like, let's just see where things go. I guess. Like, I wasn't going to like cut it off completely

because I wasn't ready to, I know. But he ended up going away for like two months and like a month and a half. And part of me was like, oh, like maybe that's like why he's doing this because he wants to go travel and be free, which I totally understand. Stop understanding. No. Stop understanding. Okay. I kind of was like, maybe that's why he's dumping me rather than like me doing something wrong.

You have to start trusting your gut. You have to start trusting your instincts because I guarantee you, your instincts are like thinking, that's fucked up. And then you're like, but I guess I can understand. Stop trying to empathize with him.

Clearly you're an empathetic, nice person and that will serve you well when you're actually in a committed relationship. But like right now with these fuck boys and people who you're just dating, stop finding ways to understand their point of view. Just trust your gut. Trust your instincts. They're right. Yeah, you're right. All right. Here's what I think you should do with this gut. I think you should do nothing right now. You should not reach out. You should be unavailable and you should start dating.

Right now, when you get off this call, you look in the mirror and you are a single woman. You are available and you're out there. You know, you don't need to be desperate. You don't need to like go on a bunch of dates, you know, like you just let it marinate, but like you are open and available. You don't need to explain yourself to him. You don't even need to have a talk. You've had so many talks with this guy and eventually he's going to reach out and he's going to ask you like what's up i haven't seen you in a while you're like honestly like i just got sick of it you know i just started i'm i've moved on and don't just say it like that i've moved on like you need to next time you talk to him about this relationship or situation whatever is, you speak to him as if it's already over.

You have decided to move on. Yeah. I just, I just, I started dating other people and however he reacts, let them react. You stay calm. If he raises his voice, like, what are you talking? Like, like I'm confused. We're not dating. I was just kind of sick of what we were doing. You're not my boyfriend. I'm allowed to do whatever I want. You're clearly doing whatever you want. Like, I don't know what the issue allowed to do whatever I want. You're clearly doing whatever you want. Like, I don't know what the issue is. Just stay calm as fuck. That's the key.

Yeah. I honestly don't even think he'd react. He'd be like, oh, great. Good for you. Fine. Whatever. Whatever. Yeah.

You're losing some good sex. It's nothing a vibrator can't replace. Yeah. There are plenty of fuckboys out there who are good at sex. They've got plenty of practice. Yeah, but I don plenty of fuckboys out there who are good at sex they've got plenty of practice yeah but i don't want fuckboys well yeah you just want a fuckboy to choose you um we'll start go out and you know say yes to dates with guys that you're not like you know super have the hots for the reality is we do like honestly when it comes to dating apps and hookup culture like the good

looking ones tend to be fuckboys. Some version of them. Because it's just like they're operating in a world where they have too much access to too many people and they're getting a bunch of free sex. And it's just like, why should I be in a relationship? Yeah. And there's too much of this. I don't want to sound crazy going on by stating an expectation.

And so we're just turning all these guys into fuckboys. And yeah, they have a responsibility to hold themselves accountable too, but we're not doing anything to make them stop doing it. They're the crazy ones. You're too good looking and too much in your prime to be dealing with this shit. I feel like I'm like, in my generation, all my friends are and my family, even like my sister, like lived a completely different, like white picket fence life than I did. Like I went to school, got married, had kids, all that stuff. And I'm like

single and have been single for a long time. And I feel like, like all my friends are like in committed relationships or engaged or married or have children. And I'm like, am I late to the party? But then people are like, no, or married or have children. And I'm like, am I late to the party? But then people are like, no, you're in your prime. But I'm like, not feeling very prime right now.

I know, but you do have the rest of your life to be stuck with one person. Yeah. Try to have fun. I know you're sick of it. It's fine. I've, I've been sick of single being single.

I hear you. But now that I'm in a committed relationship like and i'm very i couldn't you know very content very happy but like i had a great fucking time i took advantage of my my singleness and there were definitely times where i was fucking sick of it but someday you're gonna find someone and you'll want to make sure that you took advantage of all the freedoms that you had as a single woman. And you will regret the times that you felt sorry for yourself or you wasted energy on people who didn't deserve your time. I promise you.

Be more compassionate to future you. Yeah. Well, thank you. Yeah. I would just kind of, I would like soft ghost him. And just, if he reaches out, fine. Or you could block him. I'm just weak, honestly. Well, you're not. You're choosing to be. Don't say that to that to yourself i don't want to ghost him no but i am like i say i'm like no

not gonna reply and then he's like hey you free friday i'm like yeah of course always like no listen the choice is yours you know you just have to decide for yourself like how much this is kind of like slowly killing you yeah that's why i said this is your this is your fault i don't want to ghost him either because i don't want to ghost him either because i wouldn't want to be ghosted i would rather like communicate listen i'm not saying like flat out i say soft ghost i mean like stop reaching out to him don't immediately reply be busy be like you know get back to him three or four days later make him reach out two or three times before you respond and then finally when you're ready to give him an answer you're just

like hey man like i just kind of like i'm over it i just decided already kind of halfway there Make him reach out two or three times before you respond. And then finally, when you're ready to give him an answer, you're just like, hey, man, like, I just kind of like, I'm over it. I just decided. I'm already kind of halfway there because I don't reach out. Like, I even told him, I'm like, I'm not like reaching out to you. So anytime we do hang out, it's because he reaches out. And like, I already played the whole, like, don't reply right away or make him ask twice and kind of thing.

And he still does it, which just confuses me even more. There's nothing to be confused. There's nothing to be confused this guy is a fuck boy who doesn't mind sending a few texts for some good sex that's it yeah there's nothing to be confused about and you're he doesn't find you obnoxious and he probably enjoys your time and all he has to do is push back a little bit when you try to like set expectations and enforce some boundaries and this all makes perfect sense to me that's but you you're not making him choose you you know i think i just

don't want to give him an ultimatum either and be like no i don't think you should give him an ultimatum me or i'm gone no you're already gone you're already gone you're already gone you've moved on yeah that's what the only thing that you need to say to him whenever you decide to talk to him is I decided to move on. I mean, whatever he says short of I'm so fucked up, I will do anything I want to be, you know, I'm ready to commit. And then and then that's not even enough. You can like that might be enough for you to reconsider. But then you need to hold him accountable for what he claims he would be willing to do. You need to enforce those boundaries and you should expect to be disappointed because it would be a fuck boy's first time trying to not be a fuck boy. And we tend to get things wrong the first time we try something. All right. We're going to check in on you. You can do this. Give yourself a lot more credit than you're giving yourself. You have all the control to find the thing that you're looking for. You really do. You have everything going. I know I have no confidence, but I need to work on that, obviously.

And therapy hopefully will help with that a bit as well. Yeah. You're a beautiful person. You seem intelligent. You got some cute glasses on. You're 27 years old. You're like, I mean, truly, like, you're your worst enemy. And you have all the control.

Like, really, you have all the power here here and you just have to decide to use it. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate it. All right. Good luck. We'll check in. Okay.

Sounds good. Thank you guys so much. Please update with us any progress. Yeah. I will reach out. I want to hear from you. And stop telling yourself that. Your brain hears what you say about yourself.

So stop telling yourself that you're weak. You're right. Truly, you need some positive affirmations in your life. Yes. I'm working on that as well. I'm trying to add in lots of little journaling and stuff like that too. Trust your gut. Working on it.

Stop empathizing. Stop trying to understand. No, it's good. I needed to hear that. All right. Good luck. Take care. Thank you.

All right. Bye-bye. We have an amazing incredible week this week uh i'm freestyle tomorrow howie mendel is joining us gonna be wild you