The Viall Files - E579 Ask Nick - My Dad Stole My Girlfriend

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss “icks” in relationships and if men have become more self-conscious about women having them. We then read a listener’s email who hooked up with a guy only to have him tell her that he is getting out of a long term relationship and isn’t sure he’s ready to move forward.  Our first caller went on a couple dates with a woman before his dad decided to pursue a relationship with her (and break up his marriage and family). He isn’t sure if he should reach out to his father and attempt to mend the relationship, or if too much has happened. Our second caller found her boyfriend’s ED meds and isn’t sure how to address the situation. They are currently long distance, but he is planning on moving across the country. Our final caller is still living with her boyfriend after he broke up with her because she’s unable to afford their apartment by herself. They also have a trip planned, and she’s unsure if she should still go.  “I can’t control my dad’s d*ck!”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Caraway - Visit https://www.Carawayhome.com/VIALL to take advantage of this limited-time offer for 10% off your next purchase. This deal is exclusive for our listeners! ZocDoc - Go to https://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell

What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another spectacular episode of the Vow Files Ask Nick edition. I'm your host Nick joined by the household of Allie, Amanda, and Derek. Hope you're all having a wonderful day, whatever day it might be, especially for those tuning in to us on Monday. I saw a guy on Stagecoach

and he was wearing a t-shirt and it was Sunday. It was the third day. His t-shirt just said, Fuck Mondays. It made me chuckle. I really enjoyed it. Anyway, anything going on? Well, that makes me think of, I feel like Monday is obviously the scapegoat for worst day of the week. Goes without saying. It's obvious. It's

easy. Low hanging fruit. It's Natalie's favorite day of the week. What? I don't know. Psycho. I was going to ask what is everyone's like least favorite day of the week and like specifically time and I would challenge people to not say Monday. Like Sunday afternoon. What's the worst day besides Monday? Or like Friday morning. Friday week and like specifically time and i would challenge people to not say monday like like sunday afternoon besides or like friday morning friday morning not just daily week but like specific time like morning afternoon tell me on friday morning i was just throwing some examples

to understand yeah no i would not say friday morning i would say sunday afternoon sunday scaries yeah what's so terrifying about the sunday scaries do you get the sunday scaries i get horrible sunday scaries and it's completely and it's not it's nothing to do with your glorious career i thought you were gonna say being hung over it it doesn't because i don't really drink oh no i wasn't thinking about that um i assume that the sunday scaries have to come have to do with work or school, depending on what you're... Which is why you day drink. The responsibility, the pressures of life.

I specifically drink on Sundays to get rid of them, or at least dull their little voices. She's speaking in hyperbole. Allie is very healthy with her relationship with alcohol. Oh, yeah, I'm fine. But do you then not have a horrific Sunday night if you day drink? No, you keep going. It's like that scene in... No, what a healthy relationship.

You don't go, like, hard to the paint. You just don't stop. What do you worry about on a regular basis that makes you the most sad? Worry in a way that's, like, kind of grounded or worry in a way that's just, like, sheerly, like, the most the most like kind of horrific panic. Because I worry so much about my parents dying and all loved ones. Like I worry a lot, but that's not necessarily like.

I mean, I mean, it's open question. Like I mean, more like what that you ruminate over. And so that that sounds like that would be one. I kind of get sneak attacks from it because there's not really much place to go with that. You know, it's just like, like oh i'm having this terrifying anxiety but like and then sometimes there's a little part of me that's like should i do something like should i call my dad and tell him to make sure he stands up and shakes out and like takes a lap around the house because he works from home and he sits down and i worry about his circulation but generally i don't do anything but there's

definitely i don't know i'll think what do you have one are you afraid you're afraid of dying i'm not scared of myself dying i'm only scared of my loved ones dying why i'm not i'm gonna be dead i'm not gonna feel shit that's what freaks me out is if there's like nothing after life if it's just dead no that no do you remember that time we talked about what we think happens that's gonna put me in the ground right there but Well, we don't know. You won't know. Maybe if there is an afterlife, you'll be like, yay. And if there isn't, you'll just be like, you literally won't know. I know.

But like life is just so precious. And then you're just gone. You know what I think of? Why waste it worrying about. You started this conversation. I mean, unless I worry all the time, a professional worrier. What are you most afraid of? What aspect of aging are you most afraid of? I don't know. Like not feeling like I did everything. Okay. What are you most afraid of? What aspect of aging are you most afraid of?

I don't know. Like not feeling like I did everything. Okay. What do you want to do? No, it's like the Taylor Swift quote. It's like, I'm intimidated by the fear of being average. That. Love that.

Good motivation. That's, but that's, that, but that's like, yeah, that's motivation. That keeps you sharp. Yeah, but what if you're dying? You're like, well, yep. Mediocre. Well, you're going to have to have perspective on what you think mediocre means. There's also, I think, a baseline of worthiness that I think is really important that it's not conditional.

Like some amount of like viewing yourself as like enough and worthy, which sounds like cheesy as shit. But like, I do think there's some real wisdom in it and being like, there's a certain part of like my personhood that is like not susceptible to like achievement or to the opinion of others. Because I think it makes so much sense that there's a great part of your personhood that is like not susceptible to like achievement or to the opinion of others because i think it makes so much sense that there's a great part of your personhood that you do want to adapt based on your environment and based on the feedback of others and based on your aspirations i don't know sometimes i just think it can get like i don't know i feel like we probably grew up with similar backgrounds of like kind of like the achievement rat race yeah and

there's like a come to jesus moment what do, do you have an answer, Nick? Oh, I'm afraid of losing my mind. Like going insane or like dementia? No, going insane. Okay. Yeah. Cause I'm just constantly thinking. It's like even when I was on at stage coach of having the best time, even me being present,

like it's, it is a fucking maze up there. It's wild. It is a wild party in there. You know? A lot of open cupboards. Yeah. Oh my God. But I also like, yeah, I also like really value my consciousness.

If you know my ability to like when I was at stage cause I was listening to country music, enjoying my fiance and just like thinking about questions I wanted to ask Howie Mandel, you know? And then I was thinking, and then I pop into like the meaning of life or you know like oh i you know i just i'm constantly thinking about things and i'm afraid that it's gonna turn into me losing my mind someday and then i was thinking i was i was also thinking at stagecoach you know how like the the term ick has it's like it's an and i feel like that's just like a modern day version of creepy, right? No, not necessarily.

Well, I don't know, but it's relatively new. Do you think men have become more conscious of the word? And because I know I have, you know, like as soon as the term kind of became mainstream and then I became aware that women are constantly discussing the ics of men and how subtle an ic can be. I'll do something and I'll turn to Natalie and go, was that an ic? And then she sometimes will be like, you know. And so I wonder if men have become more self-conscious about their behavior.

Do you feel like you and Natalie still have ics, though, at this stage of a relationship? Because I've also heard no one's perfect unless you love them. So once you love someone, is it kind of just like water under the bridge? Well, you'd have to ask her. But I think I'm capable of... It sounds like, and again, this is a question for y'all women, because I don't think men are the same. I don't think men have ics like women have ics.

That's my understanding. Correct me if I'm wrong, but my understanding of an ick is that a guy in a heterosexual relationship could, you know, be driving, as Natalie suggested on one episode, and hit a bump and have your body go like an inch off the ground,

and that could be icky to her. I just don't think men are, they don't, they're not that sophisticated with their love i mean they're yeah they don't get turned off that easily and i also think with women like x beget x once you once you start on the x train that's right yeah you can't stop that would that happened to me and every little thing was setting me off but like yeah i wonder if men have become more, I feel like I've become more self-aware and more self-conscious about it.

Well, I was going to say, I feel like a lot of ics have to do with a lack of self-awareness or like self-awareness as it relates to somebody else's perception of what's going on. I think it's more that because my understanding of the ics is that it's, it can be very superficial and trivial. And like it, I mean, again, the story Natalie told, I mean, obviously all in jest, but I had no idea and I certainly even couldn't control it.

It was just literal gravity and speed. It was velocity. Yeah, would that not fall into a person who's feeling really self-conscious about ics? Would that not fall into a level of being like, okay, well now your job is to accept yourself and be like, anybody who's feeling really self-conscious about X, like would that not fall into like a level of like being like, okay, well now your job is to like accept yourself and be like, anybody who gets the ache doubt by little things that I do naturally is

probably not a good person for me. So as much as I could try to micromanage and curate myself in a way that accommodates everybody's ache, like I'm looking for the one in dating, not a million. And so I really should just like let my ache, icky icks ick i'm trying to say freak flags fly i love that read a children's book i'd buy it anyway i do okay so we got a submission for a written ask nick that has to do with kind of like disclosing uh your past relationships like

in a budding stage of dating. And this person was very generous in sending in some screenshots. And I thought it was so, I wanted to get everybody's take because I thought it was so interesting, kind of like the very delicate dance that you have to do

in like breaching these subjects for the first time, particularly as it relates to sex. And so I wanted to read the text messages that she sent in and discuss, get everyone's take. Yeah, wonderful. Okay. So just before the text messages that she sent in and discuss. Get everyone's take. Yeah, wonderful. Okay. So just before the text messages, some context. This person said, I had a couple

really good dates with this guy, slept together on a Thursday. It was great. On Friday, he wasn't being too responsive via text, but we normally don't text a ton and we were both working. Was this the first time they had sex? Yes. Then he was out watching a baseball game, so I didn't let myself read into anything. following day saturday i get this message about the x okay so i'll be him yeah ali you want to be sure i'll be her a bit hung over today but managing how was your night by the way this is random but we didn't get into the x filesFiles yet. Clever. I'm recently getting out of a long-term serious relationship and you're the first person I've slept with since it ended. Not trying to ghost or be an ass, just wanted to explain that it's giving me some emotions.

Okay. I had an amazing time, of course. I just felt like you should know. My night was good. Really chill. Watch watched a 2000s rom-com i haven't seen before and it was good thanks for telling me i couldn't really read how you were feeling afterwards but that makes a little more sense he thumbed up the uh my night was good message okay i also usually don't sleep with people quickly like that but wanted to and don't regret it so i felt some things after not bad but just things lol are you saying it's making you feel like you don't want to continue hanging out or you're just feeling some things right now and that's why if I notice it a little bit that's what it is I get it lol we both felt things but yeah no

regrets here it was a great night and yes the ladder I also spelled ladder wrong but whatever I'm not calling it off or anything but i'm feeling some things hard to figure out right now but yeah i just wanted to tell you but you think i just i wasn't trying to get laid what movie so you didn't think i was just trying to get laid well whatever you feel comfortable talking about i'm happy to listen and help you work through it if you think that would help either way i think you're really cool and i would like to continue hanging out just let me know if it gets to be too much or anything when you say recently though how long ago do you mean referencing the relationship so that's all we have oh and then she wrote old situations are

making me think well he's not into this and doesn't want to see me again well healthy logical me is trying to take him at his word until he gives me a reason not to. Because if I could choose whether or not I wanted to know this or would be wondering slash confused, I'm happy he told me and that's what I would want. So what's your take here? Did I respond okay? Yeah. So you guys have heard me talk about this recently and I think I'm on a new path, so to speak. I think we need to stop having sex. I'm on a new path, so to speak.

I think we need to stop having sex. I'm kidding. I mean, in a way, yeah. I think we need to slow down. Again, if you want to participate in hookup culture, fuck all day. Fuck all night. Just fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Be safe, wear condoms, protect yourself, put yourself in good and healthy situations. But if you want to date, if you want to meet someone, sex complicates things. It just does. And we're expecting people to know how they're going to respond emotionally in these very vulnerable situations, including men who aren't as emotional when it comes to these things. And I think societal stereotypes suggest that men have no feelings when it comes to these things. And I think societal kind of stereotypes suggest that men have no feelings when it comes to these sorts of things. And that's just not true. A couple good dates doesn't mean anything. Again, it doesn't mean there's an established emotional

connection. It doesn't mean there's a bond. She had no idea about the ex or how he was feeling because a couple dates is a little maybe early to bring up an ex. But, you know, we have no problem fucking. No problem. And again, I'm not shaming having sex. I'm just simply saying we have to we have to make choices and understand the choices we're making. And sometimes if we want to choose to have sex in an early dating situation, we might be putting the potential relationship at risk. Not necessarily. Again, Natalie and I hooked up the first night. So far, we've worked out. There's no black or white rule, but it does complicate things potentially. And so I think our writer in her, she has no real data points to really trust and go on, you know, but she's

trying to, one, she's trying to use the data point of a couple of good dates. She's trying to use the data point of, well, he told me about an ex. I want to take him at his word. He doesn't know how he's feeling, you know? So what does taking him at his word mean? He clearly was feeling something. He's being truthful. You know, why would he be so vulnerable to say that like, hey, I mean, I kind of broke up with something. She doesn't know his dating history. She doesn't know his sex history. When I was in my 20s and I had very little sexual partners, you know, and I was coming

out of a relationship, kissing someone was a big deal, let alone sleeping with someone. And then when I did sleep with someone, that was, yeah, that was super fucking emotional for me. That was a lot for me to process going from like a, you know, dating someone for a couple years and then having sex with someone else, especially when like I had very limited sexual partners that fucked with me. And I don't know what this guy's history, you know, and it doesn't really matter if he slept with 50 people or five, he has the right to feel how he feels. He also has the right to feel how he feels and just think, maybe this person isn't my person. If in a week he's like,

you know what, this person isn't my person. Does it make him a liar to her? You know, when she says, I want to take him at his word, you know, like, again, he has the right to change his mind about her and she has her right to change his mind about him. The next couple of dates might not go as well. The sex could get awkward. And, you know, she's basing all of this off of first couple of dates. So again, I just think sex really complicates things emotionally. And I think for all of us who are out there struggling with dating, we have to make life simple on ourselves. I answered this question in questions with Nick when someone's like, I've been dating someone for a month. Is it too early to define the relationship? And I was like, of course not. It is hard to build an

emotional connection when we're talking to a bunch of people. If we have all these options, it's hard to focus on one individual person. So when we're matched with a bunch of people in a dating app, when we're going out with three or four people, and I'm not shaming any of that, I'm simply just saying it's hard to build and focus on one person or focus on building one connection when we're we're always considering the next best thing out there yeah i think it's like the attention economy like i'm on my fucking like soapbox screaming about that's a great thing that you talk about it's awesome well i think it's so applicable to dating where it's like we're used just with the

rapid rate of communication and like technology i just think we've in a heartbeat. I feel like in the past 10 years, the way our brains are wired and the way we expect to communicate with people has been drastically altered. Our parents have... Everyone's going through this for the first time. So there's not adults who can protect you. There's general principles that you can apply to try and help yourself. But I think it's really applicable to sex in the sense that before, I think when people would say, wait to have sex to women, a lot of times I think there was this undertone of like, that is your only power. Your purity is your power. And so you better wait because you don't want to play that trump card too early. And now it's more of a like, we all know that when you

invest, when you kind of somehow trick yourself or end up in the situation where you're able to kind of invest in something that is the long game, then the gratification is so much stronger. And so if you can just get yourself to make the choice and practice kind of the self-restraint of kind of letting it build a little bit more and like use that kind of anticipation and inherent motivation of like curiosity for like what it's like to have sex with someone, if you can use that to propel you through more of the getting to know you phase so that way you don't fall off and you don't lose attention it could be so helpful yeah and this is i think this story is a perfect example here he has this guy right who got a relationship and this it speaks to the power of sex so first

he went on a couple good dates and he might have been on the exact same page as our person who wrote in and then you have sex and then immediately again you're he starts thinking about the sex and how does that compare to the his partner who he had sex with you know literally countless times and how does that make him feel and is it you know and he and it's such an unfair comparison you shouldn't be comparing but it's impossible not to when you dive into something before you're ready. And so, yeah, I just think we have to be willing to have these conversations before rather than after. And somewhere along the line with hookup culture, we have turned sex positivity into diluting the meaning and the power of sex and the role it plays in a relationship and the power of how it can complicate people's feelings.

It can heighten people's feelings and give them a false sense of connectedness with someone. It can push people away because they're not sure how they feel and they feel like the type of expectations that come with it. Oh, well, I slept with this person, you know, and this is a guy who is self-aware and realized that the person he slept with is probably thinking a lot of things too, but he's thinking things. So he wanted to acknowledge that. And it's just like everyone's just kind of worried about how the other person's interpreting the other person because they have no rapport. Again, essentially a stranger. And then you have to be this vulnerable person to say, hey, listen, like, you know, we've been naked, we've exchanged fluid. By the way, I have this ex and I, and he's afraid of saying the wrong thing because it's, you know, and so we have to be willing to show some restraint. And I think we have to be able to have sex positivity while respecting the power of of sex, because I think it is unfair to have sex with a stranger.

And then hold them accountable for how they process their feelings afterwards. Yeah, it kind of feels like people, it's let's say like women or anybody were like forced to be like vegans their whole life. And then all of a sudden they like go on their own and they can eat meat. It's like you don't necessarily want to have meat for every single meal as every single component. Like there's probably still sometimes you want to like sprinkle in some veggies. So it's like I feel like so often it's like kind of like this reaction to shame of like i've been like suppressed i've been told i can't do this i've been told it like makes means all these things about me when i do and so it's like a revolution of like haha stick it to the man you can't control me for some people and then yeah it is like kind of once you can kind of move through that reactive to shame mindset, like be like, hmm, what are some

better options here? And maybe it's, yeah, it's not a good idea to have sex. And that doesn't mean anybody's saying that you're not fully embodied within your sexuality. You're like autonomous. But I did think this guy was being very communicative in a way that I better than just ghosting for sure. You know, and did she she's wondering if she said the right thing? Yeah, she saw you were nice. You were nice in your response and you were empath did she she's wondering if she said the right thing yeah she's out you were nice you were nice in your response and you were empathetic that's all you can possibly say you're honest and what should she do i think she should just back off and see if he if he comes around you know i think that's all you can do yeah i hope they end up living a long and happy life together but in

case they break up, for some reason, should they need to break things off? This week's breakup song of the week is Molly by Lil Dicky featuring Brandon Urie from Panic at the Disco. And the person who submitted this said, the entire song is incredible and really conveys the emotion of a breakup and pulls at your heart strings. All the lyrics are relevant, but I think the chorus perfectly encapsulates the second guessing and regret we feel post breakup. So here it goes. It's the hardest rule to follow. I'm thinking of you. I really wish that I could call you. What can I do? You can find another me tomorrow. And that's the hardest pill to swallow, babe. If I woke up and called it quits, I'm thinking of you.

If today I gave up on all of this, I don't know what to do. Maybe I could get back to you. Maybe I could get you back tomorrow and that's the hardest pill to swallow, baby. Great breakup song. So check out our breakup song of the week. If you're wondering where to find that,

go to our Instagram. There is a highlight reel. So that's under our bio and all that business. But before our grade posts, little circles, one of them says breakup song of the week playlist. And there is a link where you can listen along with us. And thank you to everyone who submits. We have so many awesome submissions.

Keep them coming. We love it. All you kitchen people out there. I know I'm one of them. If you aren't cooking with Caraway, well, what the hell are you doing? Caraway has the best pots and pans and bakeware that you can find i absolutely love it i have two different cooking sets of caraway i've been cooking with uh for a few years now i'm a caraway customer for life they're truly the best aesthetically they look

beautiful on your stove also my favorite part is they're clean and safe. They are made chemical free. They don't have the PTFEs or PFAs, the PFAs. Lead? Lead. Ew. Caraway products are made without any toxic materials. That's right. None of those PFAs, PTFEs, PFOAs, lead, hard to pronounce chemicals. Yuck. We hate that. Also, it's super easy to clean. I just love them. I can't tell you how great they are. I cook almost every night and I'm always cooking with Caraway. Trust me when I say they're the best you can find

and wonderfully affordable. If you're a baker, they also have great baking pans and cooking sheets. Truly, the material is high quality. I can't say enough about Caraway. Over 40,000 people have raved about their Carraway kitchen. Now is the time to try it for yourself.

Truly, ceramic naturally slick surfaces means minimal oil or butter for slip-off pan eggs and easy cleaning. Really, everything is easy to slip off, easy clean. Yeah. I mean, what more can I say? It's awesome. It's great. I've been a customer for the past three years.

I'm a Caraway customer for life, and you can be too. Visit CarawayHome.com slash V-I-A-L-L to take advantage of this limited time offer for 10% off your next purchase. This deal is exclusive for our listeners. So visit CarawayHome.com slash V-I-A-L-L or use code V-I-A-L-L at checkout. Caraway, non-toxic cookware made modern. ZocDoc, one of the greatest inventions of mankind, right next to fire and the wheel.

Why? Because they make it so much easier than it is for you to find the doctor that you need when you need it. I mean, come on, we've all had that like, you know, rash or like that ache and pain that we thought I should probably go get this checked out. And then, you know, you don't have your primary care physician, whether it's your dentist, whether it's your rheumatologist, I mean, if you need a rheumatologist, you know, whatever it is, what's so great about ZocTalk is you go to ZocTalk, that's a free, easy to use app.

If you have insurance, you'll put your insurance information in. And so they will list all the doctors available in your area that take your insurance that are available for appointments within as little as 24 to 48 hours. Because you call a doctor usually, right? And you maybe get a recommendation from a friend. They're like, yeah, we can get you in a month from now. It's just like, this rash could take over my body. The day that I woke up and I had to fly to Denver to go see my sister and I couldn't move. My whole neck would not move. It was miserable flying. I could not even look over my shoulder. And so I used the ZocDoc app in flight and found a

chiropractor in her neighborhood in Denver that could see me that afternoon, like an hour after I landed. And it was beautiful. Get the health care that you need when you need it by using ZocDoc. ZocDoc is the only free app that lets you find and book doctors who are patient reviewed, take your insurance, and are available when you need them, and treat almost every condition under the sun. Find out what previous patients' experience have been with these doctors. It's so nice to see. So go to ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L and download the ZocDoc app for free to find and book a top-rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash V-I-A-L-L. ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L. All right. Well, we have a greatA-L-L. All right. Well, we have a great week lined up for you.

It's going to be super exciting. Also, don't forget, Vile Files Plus is available. For all the people who love their updates, we dropped another update special behind Vile Files Plus last Friday. I know the week before we dropped one behind Vile Files Classic. I know you all love those. So if you're starving for more updates, there are so many more wonderful ones we have for you.

Just check it out. It's free to sign up, cancel, anytime. Go to vilefiles.com to sign up. You can listen to Vile Files Plus the same way you listen to Vile Files. Be sure to check that out. In addition to your updates, we have all the episodes of Better Date Than Never. We have our pop-off or slash pop extra, which is all heading pop culture topics at the end of the week. Things we don't

get to talk about on Going Deeper or Freestyle. Also, don't forget Better Date Than Never live this Thursday. You really got to check it out. It's so wacky and fun, and people are just having a blast. People are meeting friends. It's a great community. I hope you take the time to try it out if you haven't. That's 9 p.m. Eastern every Thursday night. Get ready for some great interviews this week. It's a big secret.

I don't want to spoil it. Tune in tomorrow for your surprise. All right, let's get to our colors. How's it going? Hi, I'm doing well. My name's Greg. I'm 24. And I'm looking at reaching out to my dad who last year broke up my family by cheating on my mom with a woman who I was interested in and who was her boss. Your mom's boss? So my dad, he was her boss. Okay. It was his employee who you were interested in that he left your mom for.

Well, first of all, I'm sorry that happened to you. It sucks. Thank you. I appreciate that. It's definitely been a... Happened December of 21, about 3 days Thank you. I appreciate that. It's, it's definitely been a happen December of 21, about three days before Christmas. So, you know, it's been a year, but it's,

it's been a, that's when you found out. Yeah. We found out three days before Christmas. So him and I were sitting there, it was probably like eight 30 at night. My mom came home and she handed me her phone and she was like, Hey,

look at this. And it was the text messages between them. And he was like confessing, like he loves her. And he was doing the countdown until they can like be together. And they were talking about, you know, having kids and all this stuff.

How old's your dad? How old is her? She was a year younger than me. So I'm 24. She, that makes her 23. Uh, and then my dad's 50 or he was 53 at the time.

Now 54. Okay. So yeah, definitely a, definitely. Your age gap. It's still giving me a 53 at the time. Now 54. Okay. So yeah, definitely. Larger than your age gap. It's certainly giving me a run for the money. They said, I raised you a 30 year age gap.

Jesus. Wow. Okay. What was the immediate fallout like? So, I mean, at first I was shocked. He kind of,

he got very defensive. My mom started like, you know, just getting very emotional, which rightfully so. I mean, she had never got to feel that way. Yeah. So defensiveness was his first reaction, not like, I guess. Yeah, he got very defensive. I was, I mean, I got, you know, just that protective mode kicked in.

I told him to get his, pardon my language, to get his shit and get out of the house. Yeah, good for you. And then I, that's like the first time i've ever seen red in my life like i was he tried to talk to me and i was just like not having it i just told him to get his stuff and get out uh so yeah i immediately booted him out of the house kind of after that happened i gave him like a 30 minute time period to get his stuff and get out and then i walked him out i was like hey like you know you gotta you gotta figure this out sort this out whatever this is and uh yeah then we kind of parted ways for a little bit when he found out his first reaction was to

be like i love her we want to have kids yeah and i mean my parents you know i was in car i graduated last year so i was in school at the time and uh the school i go to or went to i was about 30 minutes from my home so i still lived at home and a month prior you know my parents were having some issues and my mom was kind of having you know a gut feeling that he was cheating and my dad kind of was i think he the reason according to him that he was done back in november a month before this happened was he was like i can't have a relationship that isn't built on trust so it was kind of ironic that he said he couldn't have a relationship built on trust yet he went out and what was he referring to this thing oh because your mom didn't trust him i yeah my mom just kept accusing him that

he was cheating and okay so he's a little gas lady okay so you kicked him out uh you told me to deal with your shit. And then what proceeded afterwards? Do you have any contact with him? Did you? What do you know about his life? Is he still dating this person? We didn't talk. So I kicked him out December, about three days before Christmas. My mom, her and I don't really have a close relationship at all. I mean, I still live at home, but she has an issue with alcohol. So there was one night last April where she was just, you know, drinking a lot. She was emotional, came into my room and just started like yelling at me. She kind of blamed me for everything.

How so? I don't know. She just asked like, why let him do this to her, to my mom. She asked me like, why just all these questions. And it to me just seemed like she was blaming me for all this. Yeah. I mean, she's obviously hurting. Yeah. She asked me why I wasn't more protective of questions. And it to me just seemed like she was blaming me for all this. Yeah. I mean, she's obviously hurting. Yeah. She asked me why I wasn't more protective of her. And I was like, I mean, I can't control my dad's like dick. Like I can't control what he does. Like, I like he's a grown man. He should be able to like control himself. And so that night, like, she really just kind of like she got into me. And that's why I called my dad because I just needed a parent in that moment. You know, my dad was really kind of like my rock.

Right. All this happening, you know. Growing up, he was like... I was super close with him. He coached me in sports. He was definitely my mentor. Or not mentor, but definitely helped guide me in life and somebody I'd go to for advice. Probably your mentor. In that moment. Yeah. So in that moment, I was just like, I need a parent. I'm just distraught. So I called him and we talked. And after we talked that night, he kind of calmed me down. I was just like, you know, I think this is a good place for us to have another conversation. And hopefully we can try to build this.

And we met about a week later. And that's when he admitted that he was still seeing her. They're living together. They have a dog, apparently, is what he told me. He got fired from his job. His company found out uh they gave him i guess the benefit of the doubt they let him resign but yeah so i kind of gave him the ultimatum i was like hey it's kind of me or her like either you choose that relationship with me

or like you have a relationship with her and he chose having a relationship with her and yeah now i'm here interesting okay uh well i'm sorry you're going through all this. It's a lot. How is your relationship with mom now? I mean, it's still kind of rocky. I mean, her and I, we went to Europe together in November. That was really cool. It was an opportunity for us to get closer. And I was hoping that we would have some, you know, maybe some time just to have an in-depth conversation and kind of check in about everything that's happened over the last year, which we didn't get to have.

I mean, I'm still working on my relationship with my mom. I kind of have some resentment towards her, just things in the past. And I know she's not perfect. Our parents are imperfect humans. But yeah, our relationship is still kind of rocky. Yeah. When you gave your dad the ultimatum, what exactly was his response? Did you literally say it's her or me? And he's like, well, I choose her then kind of thing? I phrased it as like, I have no desire to have you in my life unless you're not seeing her. And he was like, well, yeah, he kind of confessed how strong he feels for her. And he said, I'm going to keep pursuing things with her and I'm very interested in her. So that's why I was just like, okay, I can't have you in my life

if you're gonna be doing that what do you say i mean i can tell like he was very sad about it upset i mean i'm his only son so i mean he was very upset about that uh which i don't know i mean that day i kind of looked at him i was like i mean i get like you're sad but like you're making the choice bud yeah you can't be sad you can't be sad if you're making the choice, bud. Yeah. You can't be sad. You can't be sad if you're making this choice. Right. Do you have siblings? Like you kind of got to live with it. Yeah. So I have half siblings. So I have an older brother, two older sisters. Oh, what are their opinions on this? Uh, kind of the same as mine. I mean, what he did was pretty, pretty terrible. Yeah. They think it's pretty terrible. They also, I mean, my mom with all of her drinking, she kind of just sits in the house and stirs and she'll text my siblings and she's also caused like a bunch of fights with them and now my siblings are at the point where

they don't really speak to her so i'm at this point where i'm balancing a relationship with like my mom and then like a relationship with my siblings yeah uh so yeah they think it's terrible they're i mean they're really protective of me they're like we're not talking to him just because like of what he did to you like we think it's terrible that you know you had feelings for this woman you express that like i talked to my dad about it i like got advice from him and they're like yeah we think that's that's terrible so while you were pursuing the woman he's now with you went to your dad for advice about her yeah and he gave you advice all while having sex with her behind your back. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. Huh?

Did he give you good at bad advice or? Uh, no, I mean, he was just like, I mean, he gave me pretty good advice. I mean, it's like her and I were talking and he's like,

let me tell you exactly how to get her in bed. Uh, he just kind of told me like, if your guys is, you know, views on life don't match up, then maybe that's somebody that like, as hard as it if your guys's, you know, views on life don't match up, then maybe that's somebody that like, as hard as it might be in his,

you know, interested as you might be in her, if your guys's outlook on life doesn't match up, then maybe you shouldn't invest any more time in getting to know her or trying to date her, which I was like, I mean, that is valid.

Like that's, that's good advice. Like for example, she doesn't want kids. I wanted, I want kids eventually in the future. And that's a, that's a, I thought example she doesn't want kids i wanted i want kids eventually in the future and that's a that's a i thought you wanted i thought your dad wanted kids are there yeah apparently he does yeah apparently she wants kids with him so gotcha

all right well well what do you want i mean what's your what's your reasoning for thinking about reaching out yes i have two reasons uh you know the first i mean i'm 24 i'm kind of entering that part of my life where i am starting to build my life. I just entered my career. I'm starting to look at places to move, move outside of my hometown. I'm really looking to build a life for myself. And my biggest fear is building a life out of resentment because of everything. He's like all that trauma I've experienced as a result of him.

And I do want to be married married i do want to have kids in my big spirit also it's like going into a relationship and carrying that baggage with me not being the best version of myself for my future wife well that's very self-aware of you um and i think that's a great perspective this is definitely one of those like you can choose to be right or choose to be happy kind of scenarios you can't control what your parents decide to do, and it's very hard to try to offer them advice and tell mom, hey, you need help or therapy or some sort of substance abuse program, whether it be AA or something like that.

It's just very difficult to try to get your parents to do anything because they're so used to being the ones in control. Yeah, listen, I think there's a where a way to have a relationship with your dad while still having some pretty you know defined boundaries and maybe it's just an honest conversation your dad that goes something like listen like at the end of the day you're my father and like you're you're aware of how much you hurt me i I don't respect what you did, and I have a really hard time accepting what you're doing, but that's your life.

But you are my father, and I want to have a father. And if you want to have a son, I need to see you go out of your way to mend some fences. If you're going to be with this person, so be it. I can't stop you. I hope that you can respect that, and I hope that you at least can understand why it's so difficult for me. So I'd like to have a relationship with you,

but I don't want to hear about her. I don't want to be involved in her life, and I need you to go out of your way to have a relationship with me while separating her from it. I think that's reasonable. Yeah. No. Yeah, definitely. And that's something I've even thought of when him and I do have conversations. Yeah. Just setting that boundary of, hey, I'm down for you and me to have a relationship, but I don't want to hear about her. I don't care to hear about things you guys are doing, the life plans you guys have.

Like all that doesn't really mean a lot to me. It kind of sounds weird, but like you can have a father and love your father and not necessarily respect them either. Yeah. It makes you think of, I was listening to the Ask Nick from this week and you mentioned how like you can be mad at people and still have a relationship with them. Yeah. And like, that's something I was like, damn, that's actually, that's really valid. Like

I can, I can still have anger and frustration and still have a relationship. I guess another fear of mine is if I do have a relationship with him, it's just like, I don't want to carry that anger to it and anger into the relationship and constantly harp on like everything he did in the past. Yeah. I mean, listen, I, at this point, your dad has clearly made it clear what he's going to do and you're not going to change it. So you're right. Like you just kind of ruminating about what he did and staying in that anger isn't like doing you any good.

Have you gotten, have you done any type of therapy work about this issue? Yeah. So I've been in therapy. I've seen a therapist since like 2018. And that's the other thing. Like my dad was a big advocate for me like helping like my mental health and he kind of made the analogy of like you know he kind of made the sports analogy of you know if you tear your acl playing football

like you're gonna go see a doctor so like it's the same with mental health like if you're feeling anxious if you're going through some stuff like go see a therapist about it so i've seen my therapist her and i definitely we meet twice a month uh we talk about it and yeah she was definitely blown away when she first heard all this she was like what the heck like your dad's that old doing that like come on but she's giving me some pretty good advice and it's definitely helped me in this last year and a half uh well that's good we'll keep doing that i mean yeah i just i feel like um yeah you don't you don't have to agree with everything he's doing you know and he as a parent he could be an example

of what you don't want in your life and i think you two just have to find a way to have a relationship that this doesn't get brought up he's made his bed he's decided to do this you're not going to change his mind and it doesn't do you any good to just stay angry you know so work through it with your therapist work through you processing your anger and accepting it and just moving on like you know honestly the fact of who it was like the fact that you had a relationship with her i think honestly it feels like a bigger deal than it is i don't mean to minimize it but i just think that's more of a that's more of a just a salacious detail that just kind of adds

to the drama and ooh but at the end of the day like you know she was probably just some girl that you had a crush on and would be over and it would be completely affronted to you at this point in your life it just so you know and like it it would be natural for you to feel things like embarrassment and things like that but you know like i think more your dad who really should be embarrassed or her you know for for what they did you know they they if they wanted to be in a relationship fine but he could have done it in a way that didn't betray you know so many people so well and that's what that's that's what i told my siblings i was like if he just you know manned up and looked me in the eyes it's like you know i'm not happy with your mom anymore this woman like i do have feelings for her if we had a conversation

like i'm a pretty understanding person like i wouldn't like it i'd still be very protective of my mom going forward even though like her and I have a rocky relationship, but I would at least be a little bit more accepting if he just manned up and like, have you ever said that to him? Treat me like a man. Uh, I actually did when him and I met April, I was like, if you just manned up and like, look me in the eyes, just like, Hey, I have feelings for her. And like, you know, your mom and I, like we had a great run. We're not, I'm not happy anymore. I can't be in this. Like, this is something I want to pursue. I'd be like i don't like it it's definitely gonna be weird what have you said but i can work through it he was just like oh okay like you know i wish i would have had that conversation with you then

and i was like oh okay but i'm glad you said it you know and yeah he didn't on some level you're just gonna have to choose to not necessarily forgive him but just let it go yeah now that's yeah that's what my counselor said too she's just like yeah you're just going to have to choose to not necessarily forgive them, but just let it go. Yeah. That's what my counselor said too. She's just like, yeah, you're going to have to acknowledge and accept that he's with this woman. And she was like, your ego in a way might be a little hurt because she picked in a weird way, your dad over you. And that's kind of a weird thing to be in. But she was like, you just kind of got to learn to let it go and know that there's better things out there for you and that you can learn from this. And that's something that I've definitely been working on over this last year

and a half. I mean, I'm pro reaching out to your dad. I mean, I'm always just in favor of doing what you can to maintain and have some kind of relationship with family. It's not always going to be perfect. It's not going to be ideal.

It might be complicated. There might be moments of awkwardness, whatever you might need space, but like, you know, not having them in your there might be moments of awkwardness, whatever, you might need space, but like, you know, not having them in your life, you know, life's definitely too short. And I think it's just, you know, again, setting expectations and forcing those boundaries and make sure you and your dad are on the same page and see if he's willing to, you know, go out of his way to make an effort to have a relationship with you, you know, go out of his way to make an effort to have a relationship with you, you know, but I think you want to make it clear. It's just like, I, I'm, I'm, I want to get over

the anger I have for you. And I want to get over the hurt. And because, you know, I love you and you're my dad and I want you in my life, but like, I, I definitely feel like, like you chose her over me. And again, I'm willing to work through that, but I really need you to step up and go out of your way to figure out how you can have a relationship with me. And part of that is I need you to respect the fact that like, well, if you're going to be with her, so be it. Like, just please keep it set. Like when we talk and we hang out, can like, I'm not the person, I don't ever want to hear about your relationship. I'm not your confidant about your relationship. Like when it's you and I, let's just, let's just bond. Let's,

you know, however you and your dad bonded, maybe it's sports, maybe it's something else, whatever. Just, I want to have, I want you in my life. I want to have a, some kind of relationship with you. It may never be what it was before, but I want it to be something. And how do you feel about that? Yeah. No, that's great advice. That's definitely something in my life. I just feel like I'm missing this void. I mean, my dad was... My love language, how I give and how I want to be received is quality time. And my dad, while I was living at home, we spent a lot of time together. Whether it's watching sports or... I got him hooked on The Bachelor, Bachelorette. So we would just watch it and just talk some smack. And yeah, so he kind of... He definitely supported me in a lot of ways that I needed as a child.

So like, I didn't... At graduation last year, I didn't walk because of everything that was going on. So I definitely do feel this void in my life. And I think maybe it's time to kind of reach out and mend everything that's going on and set boundaries and put them in place. I also like just from talking to you for a brief period of time, like I'm so impressed with your emotional intelligence and you strike me as someone who is so high functioning. Thank you. And I think it's really easy for people to confuse functioning with like healing. And so with your friends or like,

I don't know if this is, I know it's such an intimate subject. So it's probably very, you know, you're very selective with who you want to bring this up with. But if you do have people you feel safe bringing it up with, like I would just maybe account for the fact that you are functioning in a way that maybe does not imply the seriousness of the situation

and so like erring on the side of like disclosing details just that way like they're aware of what's going on and i would also say like i grew up in a home with addiction it's a mind fuck it's the it's like it's the worst it's the fucking worst like it is absolutely like gut-wrenching heart wrenching atrocious and people tell me to do this. And I'm saying to you something that I should be doing, but like, I don't know if you've heard of Al-Anon, but it's for people who are like loved ones, whose loved ones are addicts. And, you know, your loved one doesn't have to be an AA or anything like that, but it's like, shares that mentality. And just that when I was going to meetings regularly, like the group

mindset was irreplaceable there's truly for me like there was nothing that could provide that kind of like understanding that I needed like in the loneliness of dealing with like someone else's addiction and especially when it feels like your dad has chosen this other life and this woman over you I think it with addiction it can be so easy to like feel this like they're choosing the substance over me like why can't they choose me and so i think that and i can imagine that in your situation that would be especially difficult so i think really finding resources to like to get the best support possible in that area so that way you can kind of it doesn't exacerbate the other areas that you're

trying to find solutions and healing and yeah don't know all your thoughts about the fact that your dad quote-unquote picked her over you, but to try to make you feel a little bit better. Not that you're like, I'm sure, but just putting myself in your dad's shoes, right? Whether I agree with his actions or not. He lost his job. He know, he's 50 some years old and he has this person who's validated him and giving him all this attention and he's

getting his quality time. And he, he's thinking, well, like, you know, you're, you're in your twenties, you get your whole life ahead of you. You're not, you're not going to be hanging out with me 24 seven, you know? Like? Yeah. I don't have a choice. He wants her to be his partner. And it's apples and oranges in his mind, is my guess. You know? Or it's just like, I don't want to choose, but you're not going to be in my life all that much regardless, just because you're starting your life and she lives with me.

We have a dog together. Do you want to get a dog with me? That's probably how he's thinking it. Do you want to move in with me? No, you don't want to be my roommate. You don't even want to talk to me. And he probably feels like he needs her. And again, it doesn't mean i agree with it but

all i'm saying is that should hopefully help you feel less like he picked her over you yeah it's funny you say that a couple weeks ago i went to my grandma so my dad's mom uh just i go over to her house kind of once a month just help her out with anything she needs. Uh, and she kind of brought up the fact that my dad has picked women that like, he feels like he needs to save. And so I think kind of like you nailed it on the head, like in a way he feels like, like he was picked and validated and that she needs him. And yeah,

that makes him feel good in a way. Exactly. So, yeah, I mean, I don't know. I let, I think reach out to your dad and,

and just have that. Hey, I don't respect what you did I'm still angry but I love you and I want a father and I miss you and I want to figure out how we can have some kind of relationship it might be messy it might be complicated but I want to make it happen I hope that you do too and I you know I need you to go out of your way to do that and I just need you to be willing to respect some boundaries. I won't ask about your life. I won't be nosy. But just please respect the fact that I just don't really want to be a part of it.

And my support will be from afar. And the fact that I'm just going to accept your life so that I can have a relationship with you. Yeah, I think that's great advice. Yeah. So should I just, you know, shoot him a text? Just be like, Hey, like, you know, the last time we spoke, the last time I sent him a text, I was just like, Hey, like, I really don't want to hear from you. So do I just... Yeah. I don't think you can explain yourself in a text. Just maybe hit him up and say, Hey, it's been a long time. I miss you. Sorry if this is coming out of left field, but you know, do you have time to get together in the next week or so?

Yeah. And then from there, just kind of, I mean, if he like pushes you for like, why, I guess, but I,

ideally I'd love for you to like be sitting down with him face to face before you really get into any of it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I can definitely do that. And make sure you are being taken care of like by your people and i don't mean that in some huge dramatic way but like this is clearly like it's a big strain

on you your dad was a big part of your life your mom's a big part of your life like it's a lot going on like make sure there's sources as you navigate these kind of like uncharted territories and try to figure out how these relationships can be sources of like care again like make sure you have that in the meantime and that you're letting your friends like support and show up for you. Yeah. And that's, that's something I'm working on.

My counselor is, you know, letting those people that are close to me support me. I mean, I have a very difficult time letting for some weird reason, loved ones support me. It's not shocking that two most important people in your life have kind of abandoned you.

Yeah. I kind of like you were saying, Amanda, yeah, I've definitely taken the time to invest in myself. And definitely, I mean, over the last six months, I would say I've been doing a good job of when my friends are checking in,

of just like, hey, if I feel terrible one day, I'm going to express that to them. And I'm going to let them check in on me throughout the week and let them kind of be my life jacket if I need it in that time. Yeah. All right, man. Well, let us know what happens. Good luck. You're doing, I think a positive thing for you.

It's hard to be the bigger person, but I think this will pay dividends. And yeah, listen, relationships with family is very complicated, but I think it's just better to have them than not. And it won't be the last time someone in your life disappoints you but you know i think at the end of the day uh this will you know this will allow you to like have less regrets in the future and um your dad can still be a role model for what not to do type of stuff. And you can use this relationship as motivation to, you know, both your mom and your dad, you know, they can be examples of the type of, of, of life that you don't want to have.

And, and that's, and that, and then you can still have gratitude for your parents in a way, you know, because, you know, my guess is life didn't work out the way they had hoped for themselves. you know, my guess is life didn't work out the way they had hoped for themselves. And, you know, maybe, maybe, you know, their, their disappointment in their life can be a way for you to, uh, avoid disappointment in yours. Yeah. And that's what I included, you know, when I texted my dad last April, I was just like, you know, thank you for everything you've done, like both prior to this incident and, you know, or this incident in a weird way like

it's going to make me i told him i was like it's gonna make me a better man a better father one day a better husband so i was just like yeah thank you for i guess this experience you uh you have a good head on your shoulders pal um so perfect thank you keep doing the work it sounds like you have a lot of reasons to make excuses for yourself and beat yourself up, but beat yourself up, but you're doing all the, all the things to keep things positive. So I commend you for that. And, you know, let us know how it goes. We're excited to see what happens afterwards and, and, and where the story continues. Yeah. Perfect. Thank you guys so much. I appreciate your time and yeah,

congratulations on all the success. All right. Appreciate it, buddy. I'll talk soon. Yeah. Take care guys you guys so much. I appreciate your time. And yeah, congratulations on all the success. All right. Appreciate it, buddy. I'll talk soon. Yeah. Take care, guys. Bye-bye. Also, if you want to go to an Al-Anon meeting and be accountability buddies, I should go to one. You don't have to take me up on this, but we can email each other and make sure we go to one by the end of the month. No pressure. Either way, I'll be checking in for an update on you. And if you wouldn't mind just sending me that voice memo, that would be amazing.

Yeah, absolutely. I got you. Let's go to a meeting together. Okay, sounds good. Yay. Accountability buddies. Take care. Hold on to your kilts, dearies.

Peacock original The Traitors is back with a new season of strategy, betrayal, sabotage and murder. This killer season features an all-new celebrity cast that Vulture hailed as reality royalty, living in a Scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition. We're talking fierce competitors, reality stars,

and public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize. This season's cutthroat missions are next level, just like whatever Alan Cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe. One thing is for sure, these 21 players will do anything to avoid a plot in Alan's graveyard. Find out why critics and audiences alike are raving about the Emmy award-winning series. The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes

to die for and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession. We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. With a Planet Fitness Black Card, you don't just get a great workout, you get a great perk out

because your membership is packed with perks. For zero down and $29.99 a month, you'll get perks like access to any of our 2,400 clean and spacious locations. Bring a friend anytime and both work out with tons of equipment in the judgment-free zone. Relax in the Black Card Spa and more. Work out and perk out with the Planet Fitness Black Card. Get started for zero down and $29.99 a month plus $49 annual fee. Offer ends March 15th. How's it going? Hey, what's up? I'm Paige. I'm 26 and I think my boyfriend has been

taking erectile dysfunction meds, but I didn't know about it. All right. Um, how'd you find out or why do you think? So you don't know for sure. I guess I do know for sure because I found like empty packets of them. Okay. They're like individual packets.

And I originally found them. I like how he was using my, or he, he held my license for me when we went out one night and then I went to go grab my license. I was like, Hey, babe, can I grab it? Um, just opened his wallet, felt like a wrapper in the back. And I, my heart kind of clenched. Cause I was like, it felt like a condom wrapper and we don't use them. So I was like, is the, like, why does he have a condom wrapper? And I pulled it out and it was this like specific type of erectile dysfunction medicine. Um, so I was like, Oh, like maybe he tried it once, like for fun. I don't know if that's something like you just would try.'m not sure um and then we are long distance so then the next time i saw him he was visiting me um and i grabbed something out of his i grabbed

deodorant out of his toiletry case and i found like a whole bunch of them in the bottom of his toiletry case and a few had been used and a few were and like the wrapper left in there, and then a few were unopened. Okay. Is this sparking any thoughts of infidelity? No, because I truly do trust him. And that would be out of character for him. He would much sooner just break up with me than cheat on me. I think it's more sparking. I think it's more like sparking. There's, I guess it's twofold. One, it's making me wonder, like, is he hiding other things that I should be concerned about that maybe aren't infidelity, but just like not being as open as he could be in a relationship.

And then two, which I could go into deeper, but it's kind of affected our sex life. And obviously he doesn't know that I've realized this, but I've noticed some things. What have you noticed? Okay. So sometimes he's like ravenous and like, like insatiable. Like, like you can't, like he has to have sex then. And I, I want to too. So it's never like, it never occurred to me in the past. And then

I guess other times he's just like very happy to have sex, but it's not like that same aggressive energy. And I think it only started occurring to me that there was this difference between the two, or I guess it only started alarming me when I found those. And I don't want like our sex life to become this thing where like a certain amount of time before he just decides to like pop a pill and then now he's ready to have sex so like I gotta go too yeah well I definitely think you need to address it with him yeah why are you so reluctant to do that why what do you mean how um wait how long you been dating this guy um we've been going back and forth for like a year Why are you so reluctant to do that? I don't know how. Why? What do you mean how? How long have you been dating this guy?

We've been going back and forth for like a year, a little bit over a year, and like officially dating for about half of that. Okay. Like how long distance is this? He's East Coast. I'm West Coast. Oh, so long distance. Yeah. How old is he?

26 also. Okay. Is there any plans to close the distance? Yeah, very soon, actually. He's moving out here. Moving out. Okay. So it's a serious relationship.

Mm-hmm. This is nothing compared to what I'm sure will be tough conversations you'll have to have if you guys end up together. It's awkward, sure, but you have to have if you guys end up together it's awkward sure but you have to have it i guess i'm reluctant because i didn't like find it in a like the first time i found it was like probably the most natural way and i i was like uh like shocked i guess and now it would be like i guess it would feel like i was snooping now and i don't want him to feel like I'm like looking for a problem. So how did you find the stash again?

I like went into his toiletry case to get deodorant. And there was a bunch of them at the bottom. So he's not like hiding them. I think he is hiding them because I don't think he would keep the empty wrappers in there. Like, I think he would just throw them out. Like, he doesn't want you to see them in the trash. Yeah. That's a good point.

Well, he's not hiding them very well. I guess that's what I'm saying. You know, you didn't really have to snoop to find them. This is not like doing a deep dive on someone's email. Yeah. Okay. I see what you're saying. And the truth is not incriminating.

Like, in this conversation, you can literally say, I, say I hey like I've been sitting on this for a while because I really didn't want to make you feel weird or like anxious about this and like I didn't know how to bring it up since it's like a topic that doesn't tend to come up no pun intended but like I think just being like the first time it was like what the night with the idea you can literally tell them what you're telling us because it's not incriminating it's not you doing something kind of shadier like a little gray area like it's you're fully just like going about your day you know i don't you know what's interesting about this too is like i don't i don't know like when this type of medicine uh like became available or its origin stories maybe maybe it's

been around for a long time but i I'm old enough to vaguely remember when it became more mainstream, when Viagra came onto the market, so to speak. I don't remember how old I was, but I just remember it becoming a mainstream thing. And I guess what I'm trying to say is i'm really curious about like young men now where like i've never tried one and i'm not saying that like but like i'll be honest like there's been a part of me that's like it'd be kind of like fun to see and try i don't know like you know just a little more firepower like that could be wild and fun i i know guys have for just fun like recreational purposes right and i could see a world where someone might almost become addicted to it or just like

they like the sensation it gives that kind of insatiable like oh i gotta have this like maybe there's a rush there and maybe he just got into this habit. Maybe a buddy of his told him to try it and felt a little embarrassed and want to tell you, or maybe he is having some issues. I don't, I don't know, you know, but like I could see both being the case either way. You, you're in a relationship with this guy. He should tell you. And like, I can understand why he doesn't want to tell you but like this is an opportunity

for you to just not make him feel judged one way or the other i mean listen if he's using it recreationally and he hasn't been hiding it and he has been hiding it i think you have a right to be annoyed you know if he's just like hey like i just like i use it for fun and be like okay fine like great like i'm not your parent and i don't know the efficacy of this, and I don't know how safe it is. I hope you've done the research. But I do have the right to know, because, like, it does, it kind of changes your behavior. And also, like, yeah, like, just because you decide to take a pill, like, it's not my job

to get you off. Like, if we want to incorporate this into our sex life as a fun way to have some wild sex, then fine. You can make that as a mutual decision between the two of you. Now, on the flip side, if he's maybe stressed out, I don't know, maybe for a couple weeks couldn't get hard and went to some doctor and the doctor's like, hey, try these. And he did. And maybe, again, just got not necessarily addicted to them,

but like it gave him some confidence and he tried it. And now he just likes the way it makes him feel. I don't know. But I think there's a world where you sit down and like Amanda said, you just say, hey, listen, at least tell him this truth. You remember that time where I gave you my ID or blah, blah, blah.

Well, I found your blah, blah, blah rapper. And like, first off, like, I gave you my ID or blah, blah, blah. Well, I found your blah, blah, blah rapper. And like, first off, like, I love you. And like, I, like, I, but I do want to talk to you about it. And can we have a conversation? Like, and just, you know, don't, don't make them feel shamed or judged or don't, don't come in kind of yelling at them or lecturing them or that's fucked up or say things like that, you do have a right to ask questions and you do have a right to say, well, you know, I really wish you would have told me, you know, I want to have the type of relationship with you that we can have these types of tough conversations.

I wish you would have given me the opportunity to show you that I wasn't going to make you feel judged or that you, that, that I, I would listen and we will work through these types of things. And if you want to be, if you want to try things out and we, and you want to explore kind of adventurous things in our sex life, then I want to be a part of that conversation and I want to do it together. You know, I think that's totally okay to have, you know, and it's also necessary in a committed relationship to have these awkward conversations. You don't want to be in a relationship, I'm assuming, where it's just like, well, I didn't know how to tell you, so I just didn't. It's a slippery slope.

Yeah, because nothing enables anxiety more than knowing if there were an issue, the person might not tell you. Because then it's like, okay, they're not saying anything, but there could be an issue. There could be an issue. So I think just like like framing it as like a door opening for just communication about a topic that it's hard to talk about in general, because like I find it I get super nervous about having conversations with sex with my boyfriend, even though I feel very comfortable with him. Like it's just it's an area that's really tender. And I think especially with like erectile dysfunction, I think so often there's this kind of trope of like men feeling like emasculated or inadequate but then like if it's a female partner like them feeling like

inadequate and like not like i can't make you hard and like yeah and like feeling insecure and like there's you know it's like a minefield there's so many different things to navigate so like viewing this as an opportunity to like set a precedent for like how you guys can do the like thing and kind of like deal with the discomfort for a little bit in service of like productive communication. And I think you should start the conversation something like this. Hey, babe, can we talk? And you say, I just want you to know, like my goal of this conversation is for us to like become more connected. Like I just want to I want to get on the same page. That's I just want to that is my goal of what I want to talk to you about. And then you tell them the story.

It's not like, I found these, explain yourself. Don't do that. Don't be like, someone, that's fucked up. I found out about your little secret. Don't make it about you or just be kind of like, hey, I want to understand. I know, I found these and like, you know, how can I support you? What, how did, when did you start taking these? Can I ask why? Just very kind of compassionate, but you do have the right to have answers. And if he does get

defensive and he does get mean, you have a right to say, I don't deserve that. Please don't talk to me that way you know like i came to you in good faith this is something you clearly have been hiding from me and well i don't think there's anything like going on that you're hiding from me like that does create doubt when i realize you're hiding something from me and i didn't you know i didn't find this by snooping. I just, you know, you're not very good at hiding shit. If I'm being honest. Yeah. I had, I tried to approach it when he was here, but I didn't, I wasn't direct.

And I was kind of like, have in a, in a more intimate moment, like, have you ever, has there ever been anything about your body or like your physical appearance that like you, that has made you insecure in the past sexually, maybe not with me. Like, and it was a very natural conversation and he completely was like, no, no,

I haven't had that issue. So it's like my, I guess I might be true. Again, most of the time you have no idea. It wouldn't shock me at all. If he's like doing this for fun. I don't know.

It may be, you know, but like, yeah, this is not something you like. You got to be direct. You just got to come and face it and not try to like massage it or see if he's willing to, you know, you found something. Don't like, you know, the truth. So don't do the thing that he did. Just be direct and open and honest. And you got to, you know, someone in this relationship has to set the expect has to set the example and the precedent that we communicate even when it's awkward or

tough. And we, we don't keep things from each other, even when it's awkward and tough. And by you not telling him or kind of, you know, beating around the bush, you're just doing this. You're, you're validating what he's doing to you. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. When you put it like that, I don't, this doesn't have to be that big of a deal. It really doesn't, you know, I guess my fear is that like,

it does become a deal and it takes longer for him to actually be honest about it. Because if he's hidden it this much, if he's not completely forthcoming with the information, then I guess... Sure. I don't know. That's where the fear is coming from. Well, that's good to be honest with yourself about that. But that's not a reason not to do it. This guy is about to move across the country, presumably probably to live with you no no not yet okay well either way

this is an issue you're going to want to tackle before that and there clearly is something going in there there there's i could tell that you have some doubts about if there's more things he's not telling you, which would be a natural feeling. It would be normal. Yeah. I just don't know what those concerns are. And I think if anything, they're more stemming from my previous relationships than they are from him.

But either way, you can just say that. So listen, I'm not judging you. Whatever the reason for this this i just don't want you to like hide stuff from me like i want to because when when you do it makes me worry that there's more i don't know and i don't want to feel that way about you so like like you've never made them feel judged about something vulnerable in the past have you so you say yeah i've never until i make you feel judged or vulnerable about something i i just i want to be with someone who's willing to give me an opportunity to be compassionate and

be supportive and be caring and not judgmental and and and i want to share you know i want to have a sex life where we talk about new ideas and we explore things together and if i have an issue like listen like you know as a woman there's a lot of things that kind of can go on with your body and i'm sure things can be feel very vulnerable at times and i'm assuming you want a partner that like if you need to just say hey listen babe like this is what's going on with me right now can i tell you so that you understand and you don't get in your head? I want to be able to tell you that without feeling judged. So I want to do the same for you.

Okay. You promise you're going to do it? I do. I think I will wait until I see him in person. When's that? In like three weeks. Okay. I'm not saying it's a bet.

You think that's too long? No. I mean, it's just more, you don't get to see him all that much, and FaceTime's pretty effective, and there's a possibility you guys could work through this issue before you see each other next time, rather

than have it cannibalize your entire time together. That is true. Yeah, and having the anxiety as soon as I see him wanting to have sex and like having that thought in my head. And for two people who have a long distance relationship, I'm guessing you've gotten pretty good at having a relationship long distance

via FaceTime and staying connected via FaceTime. So I don't, my guess is waiting is just an excuse to wait. Yeah, that's true. You're not wrong. Okay. All right. So this're not wrong. Okay.

All right. So this week. Okay. I'm supposed to talk to him for a night, for a while. So I'll try to do that. You can do this. Like if this is someone that you have any potential with

as a future, if this is someone who truly loves you and you love them, I really don't think this needs to be that big of a deal. Now, I don't know

how he's going to handle it and I don't know what his truth is. but if you go about it the way we have suggested compassionately and without judgment and just you know again state the upfront expectation of my goal of having this conversation is it i just want to i want to i want to be on the same page and I want to stay connected to you. And I found this out. It confused me. But I honestly, I don't really have an issue.

I don't know why you're taking this. And I don't really have a problem. I just want to understand. And I just feel like you've been hiding it from me. And I guess I have some questions. So how does this all start? I'm fine either way, but I just want to be on the same page. And then just kind of give them these examples of like, hey, I want to, again, I want to have this type of relationship with you. In the future, I might have a vulnerable thing where

I'm going to have to open up to you. And I hope that I can do that. Yeah, definitely. And I don't want to, I don't need him to tell me every time he's about to take one or something. I just want to understand that like there's trust on both sides. Well, if he's taking it for fun, I think you have the right. If it's a more of a medical purpose, then yeah,

you don't have to be so nosy, but, but you, you don't, you don't even know you have the right. Okay. Thank you. And when you are having this conversation,

if something feels off, listen to your gut, don't ignore it. Don't sleep it under the rug, trust your body. And if it it doesn't make sense you should be able to say well i'll be able to be honest that doesn't really make a lot of sense you have the right to say that yeah hopefully i can say it in the moment i feel like sometimes those thoughts come to me after just in general that's okay if it doesn't happen in the moment you know but don't be so quick to react you know like you can just be able to let me think about that you know and if you don't come up with in the moment you still have the right to bring it up

there's nowhere in any type of relationship rule book that says if you don't have the thought immediately you're not allowed to express it yeah it's like that that thing or that feeling of like you don't want to be the person that like keeps bringing up the same problem but if it doesn't get resolved i guess like yeah you said something the other day and like i've been thinking about it and again it's how you approach it don't come in with an accusation it's just more like can i just can you help me better understand this because to be honest it it didn't make sense all right well good luck uh definitely keep us posted okay i will thank you guys so much all right good luck take care bye. Bye. So something in a thing I was listening to from Brene Brown earlier, she talked about how sometimes she'll go into really challenging conversations, like particularly ones that

like require vulnerability with notes. And she said and she acknowledges she's like, I know this gets pushed back or it's very right for people to make comments about it in some way and be like why do you have notes right now but she when she talks it through she was like you know my explanation for that is this is an incredibly important conversation for me and i wanted to make sure i was able to articulate myself even in the face of emotion and i was like that sounds really smart but it also feels very stigmatized sure yeah like do you think there would ever be a scenario where you would bring notes into a conversation? I'm not a notes guy

in general, if you haven't noticed. But I wouldn't be offended if someone did. Especially if they're like, listen, I just don't want to forget. I have things I want to say and I know I'm going to get emotional and I just, I don't want to lose track of the things that I want to say. How about you, Allie? Would you ever bring notes

into it? Oh, yeah. I feel like i probably have yeah that tracks yeah well and especially in the heat i don't do well on my feet half the time so if i don't i've like had difficult conversations over facetime before where like one of my best friends is laying on the floor and she's texting me what i should say because she knows what i've expressed to her but in the heat of the moment it just all goes blank yeah blood pressure goes up yeah get rattled the adrenaline kicks in yeah I feel like you're very good on your feet so you probably don't need them there's a certain point of conversations just a certain level I guess of like intimacy or vulnerability where I freeze like I I because I have a processing disorder and it just really kicks in at a certain point and I will go blank and I it's

kind of scary because I just feel so incompetent and like crazy and I completely lose sight of how to like communicate with people and sometimes I'll like cry and get emotional it's so I actually even though there's like certain times where I feel like very comfortable kind of like improvising making it up there's with these kinds of conversations I get really trapped so yeah i wish i had more courage to like use notes yeah i don't know but tell us in the comments if you've ever like brought notes into a difficult conversation if it's been helpful someone's ever done it for you if you have opinions on why that's not a good idea just let's get the discourse going how's it going hi what's your name i'm reagan and i'm 28 years old and i currently still live with my ex-boyfriend and i'm just concerned that his habits are going to be a detriment to both of us

okay why do you still live with your ex-boyfriend? That is a great question. Unfortunately, we signed a year-long lease together. Last week, he decided that he no longer wants to be in the relationship. No backstory on that. We've not had a conversation since. And there's no plans to move out because neither of us can afford it in a big, expensive city. Okay. So he broke it with you. Correct. Do you have hope that there is a chance for reconciliation? Like, how are you doing? I am horrible. I am not doing well. i am very concerned first and foremost um just for him but also why i think so he's definitely struggled with addiction in the past um and i'm concerned about where that could go in the future i've noticed some things that he's trying to,

since the breakup, he's been trying to kind of get his life under control and get a better routine down is what he has told me. But with that said, this has happened before. We've been together, or we were together for a year and a half. And he did get sober two times during that. Neither of them stuck for all that long.

The longest period was two months. And unfortunately, it got a lot worse after he started drinking again. Okay. So alcohol is the drug of choice for him? Yes. Okay. Do you have friends? Yes. I have quite a few friends here.

One unfortunate thing was, and that's why I feel like this was a little bit calculated was I quit my long-term job. My last week was the week that he broke up with me and he knew that. And I kind of talked to him like, you know, finances are going to be a little bit tight for a little while. But I'm going to figure out a plan. You know, I wanted a job that made me happier.

And he just kind of said, don't worry about it. Like we will figure it out together. And then like broke up with you a week later. Yeah. about it like we will figure it out together and then like broke up with you a week later yeah so i had i put in my notice and then i we had broken up uh within my like two week notice that sucks i don't want to like minimize how money obviously might be a struggle but i just i think you're in a real bad situation right now living with your boyfriend and i would understand why in some fucked up way you continue to live with him feels like the best

option because well one you can stay connected with him you can stay close to him you know obviously you're heartbroken you're healing and then and then you can keep an eye on them, all this shit. But boy, there's a lot of ways this could go wrong. Additionally, you've been with them for a while. There is a pattern here, and it's not heading in the right direction. And you said you're 28? Correct, yep. Super young, but you're not getting younger,

and you've already invested a lot of time in this guy. And you got to start having some serious conversations with yourself about like much as you might love them and care about them. And I'm sure you've had some great moments. Like, you know, you're,

you're in your prime right now. And do you deserve better? Sounds like you do. You know, you're right. prime right now. And do you deserve better? Sounds like you do. You know, you're right. What he did was a real shitty thing. And the part of you thinks it was calculated and Machiavellian in some way. It just, it really doesn't make sense on a lot of levels. We had planned a trip five days before.

And he was really excited about it. We both were. We had talked about you know all these things that we could do on the trip and um that was something that i keep going back to like if you knew this was going to happen why why why plan the trip why spend the money why waste that time why both take days off and stuff and then um it was just a he woke up uh you know first thing and just broke things off with no explanation and he doesn't feel like he needs to give me one um and well that's insane i'm like really frustrated yeah Yeah, it is. It truly it's like, I don't know where things went wrong. We had discussed things in the past. And I feel like he feels like I'm not mothering him. But

I'm definitely looking out for him. And I want the best for him. And he knows that. But I also feel like he's being watched too much by me, isn't the case it's just he i would really like to have his own time his own space and to do things without me saying the only thing he's told me since is um he feels like he's he was letting me down for a long time because every time he would say he had a drink or he had two drinks or the weekend 12 drinks. He doesn't want to get better. No. I've noticed in the last week he hasn't had a drink. Well, that I've been around for.

At home, he hasn't been drinking. He hasn't come home drunk. And he's told me that he's trying to turn his life around i have heard this before of course but um i've gotten his friend involved since because i don't think it's fair for me to do it alone and i'm at that point where maybe he is no longer my problem and i need to pass it along, kind of like pass the torch. But his friend has also been worried about him for some time. And we've talked about potential mood disorders because a lot of it's like in line.

I have talked to other people like professionally, like professionals, and a lot of it is in line with personality disorders. So that's like very upsetting to me because I know he needs the help and I know a lot of it runs in his family and he doesn't see it. And I brought up something just the other night and things got very aggressive,

not physically or anything like that. But he said, just because I don't want to be with you doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. And of course, like that's very hurtful to hear. Sure. But you also, you kind of have to respect the fact that he chose not to want to be with you. And even if he's not willing to explain himself or even if it doesn't make sense i think it makes more sense than you're giving it credit you know you have a yeah he has a history of this behavior he has a history of substance abuse and like those are the reasons you know what i'm saying and even if he has a personality disorder like there's like a part of you that's thinking oh well he has a personality disorder well then i can part of you that's thinking, oh, well, he has a personality disorder.

Well, then we can treat that. And then if I could treat that, then we could be together. But I mean, listen, I'm not saying if you're dating someone with a personality disorder, break up, but it is difficult and it is a challenge. And you're a single person right now and you're 28. And it's one thing to be with some of the personality disorder it's quite another one to be with someone who also suffers from addiction

and is in denial about this potential disorder that they have and there's not a lot of optimism for him making the appropriate changes so that you two can be happy in a relationship until he starts turning a corner there. Right. Would you suggest I kind of just like pass things along to the friend who's also very concerned about his ways and he's talked to me about it separately and he's brought up? Yeah, I think it's not your... It's just like his own thing?

I think it's not your problem. I think if it would help you in terms of like your own guilt and making peace with it because i think it's really important that you like get out of this situation because like it is like so set up for failure if you're trying to get over this person and focus on yourself and process and grieve and heal and do all that like this is the i think the worst possible environment that you could be in and so I think the priority is getting out and if telling a friend like makes it feel like you could leave with a little bit more peace of mind then like you can do that but like yeah yeah it's not it's also yes it's it's

not your responsibility you don't owe him that to Amanda's point that's something you would be doing for yourself for peace of mind but like you don't owe him that you're not his caregiver or his parent or his guardian he does have friends and family and you have to make sure you're not using his problems as an excuse to feel needed by him even if he's rejecting you yeah i would you suggest uh the conversation to have him move out? Is that what you prefer? Could you move out? Not easily. Everything is mine. It was my apartment first.

So we didn't move in mutually together. He had moved into my existing apartment and so I've been here for the entire time since I've moved away from home. And so this is very much my space. It's hard for me to be here now, of course, because there's so many memories attached. Let's talk finances for a second. You quit your job.

Yeah. Can you afford this place on your own? I'm not sure I would be able to afford anything here, unfortunately, but I am starting a new job in a few weeks. So when you say anything, I would be able to. Okay. So you're starting a new job. That's great.

Yeah. You're going to have definitely some temporary short term discomfort, financially, emotionally, all these things. Right. But you can get through all that. You'll make more money. You're only 28. You don't have a lot of priorities in terms of people you

need, you're responsible for. You're single. You don't have kids, correct? Correct. So while this feels, I'm sure, heavy and almost feels impossible, this feels like i'm sure heavy and almost feels impossible i'm confident you can get through it i think you should also forget about the fact that it was your i just don't think you should be making any decisions based off of like well i have the i have more of a right it's the principle it's the principle or your you know your own stubbornness so like whatever you decide to do to figure it out and like yeah you do have the right. And if you generally just like, yeah, I can afford it. It's going to be more expensive and I might have to dip into my savings a little bit, but I'm going to get a new

job in a couple of weeks. I'll make it work. Maybe, you know, there's a couple of people I could, you know, I could get a roommate. That's possible. You know, if I were you right now, I would just kind of take a step back and kind of do an inventory of your options and take away any self-judgment of, I can't believe my life is like this now. Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm going to have to sleep on my friend's couch. Or, oh, my God, I'm going to have to move in with so-and-so. Like, ugh, I can't believe it. It's not what I imagined for myself.

Me and my boyfriend were supposed to go on a trip. That's just not productive. And it's a total waste. Would you go on the trip? With your boyfriend? Yeah. No. Fuck no.

Don't be toxic. So he asked me the itinerary this morning. What? No. Don't be toxic. No. Would you have to pay money for this trip? Use the money you would save by not going on the trip for a storage unit or a freaking

new apartment. Have you booked the trip yet? Yeah. I the money you would save by not going on the trip for a storage unit or a freaking new apartment. Have you booked the trip yet? Yeah. I already paid for it. Okay. Whatever. You got to stand up for yourself. You got to...

You can always take this trip. And whatever happens between you and him, you don't deserve to be treated the way he did. If he wanted to end the relationship, he has the right to end the relationship. But how he's gone about it and his refusal to sit down with you and give you an explanation and be just very dismissive like you don't deserve that so you have to like let him know that and like going on a fucking trip with him while you know while you're just constantly you're just going to argue the whole time you're going to feel confused and we're

we're just like roommates at this point like Like there hasn't been any really argument. There hasn't been any like disrespect between it. Like, it's just like, I've asked, you know, a couple of times, like, Hey, can we talk things through? And he's like, I just don't have to do this with you anymore. So I'm not going to. Great. He's, um, and, and you don't either. And the truth is as much as it would be far more considerate and empathetic

for him to do that like you don't owe him that you know what I'm saying and like you don't need to go on a trip with him and I think if anything maybe he's doing you a favor by being this cold so you know because it sounds like you've given this person every opportunity to work on

themselves and try to fix themselves so they could be in a healthy relationship you've been very patient and understanding probably more far more than you should have or needed to and now you're just kind of stuck you're stuck kind of feeling like you owe him or you he needs you and you're gonna feel guilty if you abandon him and shit like that. And he's made it clear that he doesn't owe you anything and therefore you owe him nothing. Yeah. It just sounds like a kind of fairly unhealthy situation

that for things to get to where they need to be is going to take a shit ton of work and time and he is not interested or willing to do that. And you just have to ask yourself, how much more time am I willing to waste and invest in someone who's not willing to help themselves? So if I were you, I would take an inventory of all your options without judgment of what that looks like. It's going to cost you a little bit more money. It's going to be a little bit more inconvenient. You'll get over it. Five years from now, a little bit more inconvenient. You'll get over it. Five years from now, it's like, listen,

you get a $100 parking ticket. You're like, fuck, and it ruins your day. Two years later, you're not still being like, oh, if I only had that $100, you'll make it back. And you can break a lease. They'll charge you a penalty. It might cost you like a month and a half or months. I don't fucking know. The next six months don't matter in terms of what your life looks like. The next six months is about setting yourself up for the next six years. Just focus on dealing with this situation right now without judgment of, you know, not being your ideal, like where you want to be at 28 um right you should be more afraid of doing nothing and staying in this because that's a real waste of your time that's really setting yourself up for disappointment so as far as how do you address it with him as far as moving out i wouldn't ask him i would just say i need you to move out we can't live together you're not asking and if it gets to the point you're move out. We can't live together. You're not asking.

And if it gets to the point where you're just being like, I don't feel safe about being in the same house with you. And like, I don't really want this to get messy. So can you just please respect what I'm asking? And I need you out by next week. I can do that. And I would tell his friend your expectations as well. I'm going to ask him to leave.

And like, maybe his friend can help convince him, hey, man, you should move out. I don't think this apartment you have is worth putting yourself in an unsafe or vulnerable situation. You can find another apartment. And I think sometimes we operate from this scarcity mentality and we cling to things and it makes things so much harder in our life. But if we just accept that, again, money will come and go, apartments will come and go. We don't have to cling to these individual things. Life becomes a lot more easy. So you say, all right, we can't live together. I would like to keep this place. I would like you to move out. I've had this place before. If you need to live here and you refuse to leave, I'm open to hearing why you think I should give this up. I just wouldn't fight over it. I would just lay out the options matter-of-factly and just say, this is what I want, but what do

you want? At the end of the day, I'm fine with any of these options. I'll make any of them work. What I don't want is to live with you. Yeah. It's not healthy for either of us, for anyone to like keep tabs because I know like when he comes home late, I'm concerned, like where have you been? And then like in my mind, I'm like thinking the worst, of course. And I, you know, maybe reach out to the friend and about the living situation. Say, I can't live with it anymore. I don't feel comfortable. It's not healthy or safe. Here are my options. This is what I want to do. This is what I want to ask him. I really need your help in kind of massaging and helping him and I get to some sort of resolution. I'm honestly

open to all three of these. This is what I prefer, but I just, I just need us to make a decision. Okay. Yeah. I think definitely reaching out to them would be a good step because I think need be, he could help if possible. Yeah. If he needed a place to stay for the meantime. All right. It sucks. I know you're going through it. I really feel for you. Keep us posted. Check in with us. I know it's a very difficult thing that you're going through.

I don't envy you, but you can get through it. You just have to not judge yourself about where you are in your life, prioritize your mental health, and just really decide that you don't want to waste any more time. You've given this person the benefit of the doubt for far too long. And you cannot help people who don't want to help themselves. And you can still love and care about him and wish him the best, but you deserve someone who's willing and wanting to be as much of a caregiver and a partner to you as you are to them.

And I promise you good things will come from you trying these new things and pushing yourself and, and working through the inconvenience and it will open no new doors and new ideas and have you meet new people. Like people talk about fighting for relationships all the time. Like this is your chance to kind of like fight for yourself. Yeah. I feel like I've really needed to do that and I haven't for the past year and a half. That's a year and a half. It's a long time. This is your chance to fight for yourself. Yeah. I feel like I've really needed to do that and I haven't for the past year and a half.

That's a year and a half. It's a long time. People can change their lives in a year and a half. They can learn new languages. They can become experts in things. It's a long time for you to waste. Yeah. And I don't want to keep wasting it. I don't want to like wait for the least to kind of run out because it puts my whole life on hold for that whole period of time too. And I would feel obviously uncomfortable, but also that's a long time to wait and hope I'm feeling better and not really get any closure and still be with the same person and just kind of be in limbo with them. Correct. Yeah. Do not go on the trip. You promise? I don't know. I'm still weighing my options. I'm so stressed about it. It's not an option. Don't go. What do we need to tell you?

No. It's not an option. I know. I know. I know. I know. You're going an option i know i know i know i know you're gonna go and you're gonna waste money and you're gonna waste time and probably just end up either angry or confused and i don't know you might act like roommates or he might try to fuck you or he might fuck with your head there are no good options what do people do on vacation they drink and fuck they drink and fuck i know this is the last person you should be drinking with or fucking it's your life not ours it's up to you and it's hard i know it's really hard but you can do it

fight for yourself it's really stressful and it's like a very secluded trip so it would truly just be us fuck now um but and so like i feel like i would be able to say like what would you tell a friend we're not going what would you tell a friend no way in hell you gotta yeah I mean this is your life I say this to people I care about like like we you can fuck up your life

we we we we go through life especially in our 20s it's like everything's gonna work out Everything happens for a reason. Like, it'll all work out, you know, especially if we grew up in relatively privileged, you know, households and upbringings. Like, we just have this mentality that it's all going to work out.

But the reality is, your choices matter, and you can make choices that fuck up your life. And the good news is, is that we can fuck up, and we can learn from them and fix them but like if we're not willing to learn from them and we keep making the same fucked up decisions we're going to finally get to a point where it's harder and harder to correct and so it's your life it's your choice and at some point you're going to only have yourself to blame for your life not working out the way you want it you know and at 28 know, it's a little easier to be like, oh, I didn't ever imagine

this for myself. Because like at 35, your life could be drastically different and in such a better place. So you can have a different perspective, but like you also could be 35 and stuck in the same relationship with the same guy who's going into the same problems. And it's that much harder to make changes because it's a little easier to get a part-time bartending job or a nanny at 28 than at 35. Or maybe you decide like when you get break free, maybe you want to go back to school. Maybe that's a lot easier at 28 than 30. You know, just saying you can fuck up your life with the choices you make.

So it's up to you. I know. I think we just have to have that conversation and just cancel it and be on the same page with it because i don't want to cancel it and then not tell you know and then he's still planning to go and all that so i just i think i need to have that conversation tonight his his his feelings right now don't really matter to you. They're not your problem. It's fine. You, you can wish him the best. You can hope he's doing okay, but it is not your problem to make sure he's okay. And I think right now, every time you make a decision about the two

of you, you're worrying way too much about his feelings and not enough about your own. You got to stop that because it's going to fuck up your life. Yeah. Your decisions matter. Things don't just work out. All right. I believe in you. I hope this tough love was effective. At least one of us does.

You can do this. I know you can do this because I've done it. It's possible. And it's inconvenient and it sucks and it feels like the worst, but you can do it. Dripping the band-aid off. Yep. And I have to do it.

You're going to be so much happier if you do. I promise. I guarantee it. Mm-hmm. This might take longer than you want. Okay. All right?

Well, I have made notes. I know what I need to do and i will do it all right to your life i know all right keep us posted will do all right thank you so much yeah bye thanks for listening don't forget to send those questions at ask nick atatthevilefiles.com. Check out Vile Files Plus for an update special that dropped this past Friday. Check out vilefiles.com to sign up. It's free to sign up. Cancel anytime. Love you. See you tomorrow. Bye.