The Viall Files - E582 Ask Nick - Blowjobs Are Ending My Dates

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we talk about an engaged man in Vegas who was buying women drinks and potentially trying to cheat on his fiancée (a week before his wedding). We then read an email from a listener who isn’t sure if she can handle her ex moving in with her childhood friends.  Our first caller has a pattern of her dates “finishing” too soon. Recently, she’s had three separate instances of guys seeming like they’re into her and wanting to pursue her, only until they hook up and she’s left feeling unsatisfied and confused. We dive into a conversation about modern dating and hook up culture, and when is the right time to have sex with someone you’re dating. Our second caller has been dating her boyfriend for five years, but is worried that they’re too young to be getting married. There’s also been some issues surrounding trust in their relationship after his mistakes, but only she has started therapy because of it. Our final caller is fighting over childcare with her husband - they both work from home and could use some help, but he doesn’t want to reach out to his parents and instead insists that they should be doing everything themselves.  “You should expect very little from these guys.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp -  The Viall Files is sponsored by BetterHelp. Find more balance with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Grammarly - You’ll be amazed at what you can do with GrammarlyGO. Go to https://www.grammarly.com/GO to download and learn more about GrammarlyGO.  Canva - Collaborate with Canva for Teams! Right now, you can get a FREE 45-day extended trial when you go to Canva.me/VIALL Babbel - Right now, get up to 55% off your subscription when you go to https://www.BABBEL.com/viall Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell

What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another incredible, just sensational episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick Edition. I'm Nick, your host, joined by the household of Allie, Amanda, and Derek. Hope you're all having a great Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday, or Thursday, or Friday, or Saturday, or Sunday. Every day you listen to this show. How is everyone doing?

What's going on? What's new? What's cracking? I'm recovering from Vegas. I'm still tired, but it was excellent. Yeah, how was it? It was good. We did a girls trip in Vegas.

We started planning this in January. Why did it take you four months to plan? No, so the idea came to me in January. Gotcha. But with everybody's schedules, I mean, you're coordinating four different people, especially my sister's schedule. You got to pick a weekend where she wasn't working. She did work Sunday night, so she really had a full weekend.

Give me the most outrageous thing that happened. Oh my God. Okay. So we're at the pool Saturday we have a daybed we are thriving all of a sudden these drinks show up and the waitress says uh these are sent by the man over there on the other side of the pool in the black baseball hat and come to find out so we have not even spoken to this man he sends us drinks did you get well we got several rounds from him we start talking to him in the pool so but like how many rounds did you drink before you there was any communication what and then he immediately like what no he was he he no because he was getting distracted by other girls like we watched it like

he was doing the rounds and so he was gonna come over to us but then he started talking to someone else we end up you know chatting with him later in the pool he is a week away from his wedding he is on his bachelor trip he's getting married in a week and he's been buying drinks for every girl at the pool and then we're asking him about his wedding he's saying like wow you really want me to do this don't you and i'm like what don't you get married beauty's name no they're from riverside though and the wedding is in redlands but it's gonna be on saturday say that slowly but by the time this comes out the wedding will be done oh you should still know blair okay i believe they are from riverside california riverside california and the wedding was going to be in Redlands, California. Redlands.

On Saturday. What was the date you were in Vegas? This was on Saturday, May 6th. May 6th. Okay. What hotel? At the Link. Link.

Okay. Saturday, May 6th at the Link Hotel in Las Vegas. If your man was there on a bachelor party. Oh, he has a beard. He has a beard? Yeah. I mean, there's really- Any tattoos? Not that I can see. No. Okay. But even in this, he's talking-. Is a beard? Yeah. I mean, there's really... Any tattoos?

Not that I can see. No. Okay. What was he wearing? What was his swimsuit? Like a long... Too long. I would describe it as a Capri board short.

Okay. It's so long. He's exactly how I thought he would be. He's wearing Capri pants. Yes, literally Capri board shorts. Well, if you know someone who recently got married to their love of 18 years yeah 18 years yeah he sucks at what point is it borderline cheating because he literally told us to cancel our dinner reservation to come back to his room and we said

no he wanted to cheat right it seemed like it If it was in his mind, mentally. He was definitely open to the possibility of his dick falling out into someone else. Were we wrong for drinking the drinks? No. Okay. We didn't know he was engaged at the time. We didn't know he was engaged as we continued talking to him. I don't think you're wrong at all for taking all of his drinks. Okay.

Okay. You're not doing anything. That's correct. I mean, as long as you're not, you know, you can't be flirting. No. You can't be doing anything more than simply just sitting there and hanging out with your I was only talking to his friend who I confirmed was single. But if he insists on serving you drinks, by all means.

Let me know if you guys disagree, by all means. But I do sometimes think there's this narrative of men being like, girls, let us buy them drinks and then they don't want to hang out with us and i'm just from a male perspective like you know like guys who feel like they're owed something based on that transaction there's a lot of entitled people out there sure how would you say like if you were going to talk to a young man and about buying drinks for women what would you say drink what's on you man they don't owe you anything you're buying someone a drink for to be generous or to it's it it doesn't come with an iou ever well someone wrote in with a pretty interesting discussion question in my

opinion and that question is if your ex is trying to move in with your close friends, are you allowed to intervene? And if so, how? If your ex is trying to move in with your close friends? Yes. Are you allowed to intervene? Allowed. And if so, how? Shout out to this person for including both the summary version and the backstory. So the long story short, me and my boyfriend broke up almost a year ago, and he's just responded to one of my close friends listings about needing a roommate and is hoping to move in the fall. Is this him crossing a line? What should I do? And then the backstory is we dated for two years. He lived in a city near me, but eventually moved since we had a few friends from college that I knew. I introduced him to a lot of other people that he became friends with.

I broke up with him back in July of 2022. We were living together and I ended it due to building up hatred for everything he did. He was cheap, messy and selfish. For example, if I asked him to pick me up an avocado, I would get a Venmo charge that hour. He would leave clothes everywhere. And after asking to please pick them up, he would say, I'll do it later. It won't affect you. He would leave clothes everywhere. And after asking to please pick them up, he would say, I'll do it later. It won't affect you. Could go on for days. After breaking our lease, he moved in with one of his mutual friends slash my friend, who was a couple.

And I moved to San Diego at the beginning of 2023. So I'm now an hour away. The couple could not handle living with him and moved out, signing their lease over to someone they all agreed on. The lease is now him plus this new person. Now he wants to move in with a group of guys that I've known since preschool in August. This group has no connection to him besides one of the roommates playing golf on Wednesdays in a big group, but have expressed they need someone to take over the lease. By the way, there are at least two other open houses with people we are mutually friends with, and he could stay on his current lease.

My argument, I was the one who introduced him to his social group, and I'm the one that has agreed to not go to things because I don't want to be around him. In brackets. He never doesn't go to an event socially, but is very quiet. This was the only group I had from home that i knew he would not be a part of we are very close and even though i've moved an hour away i see them often also i have a lot of anger due to feeling like i've been the one to give up while he just takes what and what's her original question the question is is like is she out of line for wanting to intervene on this

situation and kind of prevent him from moving in listen they're her friends out of line for wanting to intervene on this situation and kind of prevent him from moving in? Listen, they're her friends. Out of line? I don't think it would be out of line for her to go to these friends that she claims to be incredibly close with, that she's known since preschool, and just say, hey, I heard you guys might be living with John. First of all, why? Terrible roommate. Second of all why you know terrible roommate second of

all like he sucked and i really honestly i don't want to get used to like seeing him and not seeing him so like what are the chances you can find someone else they might say no you know and i guess he could be a shitty boyfriend and a shitty roommate but a really fun friend and these guys might like be like i don't know john's so cool and fun you know like who knows but she does have she can ask i don't know how it's gonna play out this is a test of the friendship more than anything yeah it is because i was in a situation like this with new like new girl now lives with like someone who was like a very close friend when i first moved to la and yeah it was definitely like me and my friend talking about it. Like it's less of I think the ex or partner or whoever is like definitely like tertiary.

Like it's definitely like a friend to friend kind of conversation. Yeah. I mean, I don't have any claim over it. And I'm glad I like I would have I think I would have felt like a lot worse if I had tried to like stop them. But like it definitely I don't know. There were a lot of other factors. So it's hard to like isolate things. But I do think it it definitely I don't know there were a lot of other factors so it's hard to like isolate things but I do think it's definitely like I haven't been to this friend's place yeah in the year since they've been living together so it is I do think

it's hard because sometimes it's like there's just this onus of like I don't want to feel like I'm starting drama or like I don't want to feel like I'm needy can really like surface during these kinds of situations where it can be tempting to just like bite your tongue and like not make a big deal of it i just just be like i don't fucking like them i don't want them in my life no yeah you don't have to justify it to yourself you don't have to explain it you don't want to see your ex this is a total reasonable thing and you and and all you have to do is talk to your so called friends about the possibility of them finding another roommate

all these like well I have this and I've had to do this and he didn't have to do that and blah blah blah and I deserve this and it's finally my turn these are her friends and it's that simple alright well we have a great episode for you before we get to that just a couple housekeeping notes we have a big week

for you on going deeper we to that, just a couple of housekeeping notes. We have a big week for you. On Going Deeper, we have the very funny, very hilarious Angela Johnson Reyes. It'll be a ton of fun. Trust me, you will not want to miss that episode. Also, don't forget we have Better Date Than Never live 9 p.m. Eastern every Thursday night. Be sure to check that out. For all you update lovers out there, don't forget on Vile Files Plus, we drop two additional update specials in addition to the one we drop every month on Vile Files Classic. So if you haven't signed up for Vile Files Plus yet, you are missing out. In addition to all the update specials that we drop, you get Better Than Never episodes that if you don't get to listen to live, we also have a pop culture roundup every Friday that we drop for all the pop culture topics

that we did not get to talk to on Going Deeper or Freestyle. All right. Well, let's get to our callers. Question time with me. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? It's great. How are you?

Good. What's your name? My name is Liz and I'm 26. How can we help, Liz? Blowjobs are ending my dates. Okay. Please elaborate how the bad blow... The evil blowjob. The dirty, dirty blowjob yeah I've been dealing with this

phenomenon it's happened three times now the first time obviously annoying the second time frustrating I was like weird that this happened again and then it happened a third time and I'm like what is happening is this happening to other people

different guys three different guys? Three different guys. All right. So walk me through these dates. I don't need every detail, but just give me the basic high level and then just walk me through each date. Sure. So the first one, let's see, we had been on a date, done nothing, day date, walk in the park. So this was the second time we'd hung out. He made me dinner. We were at his apartment. And then eventually we started hooking up. And the first time we hooked up, actually, he was like ready to go right away and clearly had a very low stamina as he finished from intercourse in generously a minute. So I was like, oh, wow.

So this was the next time. I was like, we'll give it another chance. Maybe he was nervous. It was the next time. Feathering your cap. I'm just kidding. In fact, I actually hate joking about that because I don't want to give women the idea

that it has anything to do with you one way or the other. It's usually more on the guy's's side but either way like flex you know um exactly continue so so the next time i was like i'm gonna try to stretch this out a little bit longer let's engage in a little bit more foreplay so i i guess went into um went into going down on him and again probably after a minute at most he finished from that he said and i quote i'm gonna go wash my wiener took a shower alone came back and that's a fireball immediately. That's an ick so big it might be a vom. That is the ick of all icks. Yeah. I've told a lot of people that quote.

I'm going to go wash my wiener? Mm-hmm. That's what he said. How big was his dick? It was slightly bigger than average, I would say. Okay. It was like a decent size. That's why I asked.

than average i would say okay it was like a decent size that's why i asked because i i had i just i wondered if there's a little extra confidence in a guy who's willing to call his his penis a wiener because he knows it's like an adequate size just still fucking weird i'm just it's still fucking weird but i've just i couldn't imagine a guy with a widow wiener uh calling it a wiener no i i i think him saying i i'd be willing to bet that him i'm not justifying it i'm just explaining it that uh i think it's a little bit of extra confidence for a guy who knows his dick is is is not small so he feels okay calling it a wiener still fucking weird and icky but nevertheless all right so he called it a wiener and then you yeah and then he wanted to go to sleep yeah and i think i was just so shocked by the situation because that had never

happened to me like someone peacing out immediately after he was done had not touched me below the belt at all so same guy two times in a row first time you have sex with him minute or two tops he climaxes he's done then you give him a

you suck on the knob a little bit you play with his dick I'm being gross you give him a blowjob. And also, less than a minute, he says he's going to wash his wiener. And then he goes to bed. And no mention whatsoever of, are you satisfied? No going out of his way. He's just done.

How old is this guy? Correct. How old was he? Like 26. Okay. So you moved on from him? Yes. That was, like you said, the craziest ick. And I said, I don't think that this is going. I wasn't crazy interested in him aside from the bedroom anyways. So moved on from him. So this is a little while later. New guy, again, second date, go to dinner. He kind of invites himself over to my house. And I was like, all right, confidence. out very generous. So this was a little bit different. He was very generous to me. So I was like, I'll return the favor. Same thing. He completes from that, proceeds immediately to

go into my bathroom, wipe himself down with my nice hand towel. He puts it back in the ring and then he comes back and same thing is ready for bed and then leaves in the morning before I even wake up. He like wakes me up. He's like, I'm gonna go. How many, how many dates had you been on with this guy? This was the second as well. Okay. And then, and then another guy? Yes. And then this was, this was definitely the worst and weirdest one. Oh my God.

Yeah. And after this happened, I, I think wrote in the next day cause I was like, what is happening? So this was actually a first date. And probably after like the first drink with this guy, I was like, I, yeah, I don't, I don't think that I'm necessarily interested in, in like dating this guy. He said he wanted to move kind of like whenever a job came up, he was a little bit arrogant, but he was confident. He also did something very weird, which we went to a second bar and we each went to the bathroom and he texted me, come to the men's room. Winky face.

And I was like, I'm like, you probably joke on a first day. I was like, I'm sure you're joking, but weird. weird. When he was driving me back to my car at the end of the night, he initiated making out and he like was getting very excited already in the car. And I was like, you're welcome to come back to my apartment so that we don't have to do this in the car. I was like, I haven't hooked up with anyone in a little while. This could be like a fun one night thing, whatever. So he comes over very quickly. All of his clothes are off. He's completely naked. Literally all of mine are on. I've not taken off one article of clothing. So I, I'm being very generous. Same thing after, after a long, like a long blow job,

he finishes. I'm thinking again, And then I get him some paper towel to wipe off. He collapses on the bed. I lie there for a little bit. And I'm this close to saying, if you're not even going to attempt to touch me, I think you should go. And then he goes, I think I should probably go back to my place because I don't really sleep well next to other people. And I was like, yeah, yeah i think you should and then i never heard from him okay yeah dating is exhausting yes it is like you're in the trenches and i just want to give you credit for continuing to go on dates despite having these experiences because like dear god what's going on with these people all right so let's get into it a couple things one listen just like i guess well science

biology not that i'm a i know the fuck i'm talking about but as a guy i will say like when guys climax they become fairly stupid and useless for the next 10 to 30 minutes right you know just like with women you're you you guys have chemicals released and things going on, men do too. And I don't know what the science is, but I just know in layman's term, they become stupid and useless. And I think there literally is a chemical release

that does make them sleepy and tired. To help yourself out on these early dates, you know, if you want to hook up, go hook up. But yeah, I just think if you want to hook up, go hook up. But yeah, I just think if a guy is going to climax, I think sadly you should just expect very little from these guys. I don't know why they don't want to be thought of as good in bed or that's, that's my biggest thing.

I've never really understood as, as, as guys. It's just like, at least take some pride and like your reputation or like your ego like are you do you really want to be the guy who's just known as the guy who like doesn't know how or at least that's the impression or doesn't have an interest and like being thought of as good at hooking up or sex or whatever you know it's just like i just would

think men would care more but they just they don't seem to and i just don't think that's going to change so i just think to help yourself out i just think don't get them to climax i mean i know these guys who are like you know nutting in like 45 seconds like i don't don't, you know, I don't. What's a gal to do? Yeah, I just, I guess, bravo. You know, like you've really harnessed your skillset. But it's weird though, ironically, I was, I don't know why I was thinking about this when I was getting a tattoo. You just sit there when you get a tattoo for like hours.

You just have time to think. But I was thinking about, you know, like hookup culture and dating. And if you've listened to the show, obviously, you know, I'm pro like, hey if you've listened to this show obviously you know i'm pro like hey if you want to fuck on the first date fuck on the first date i am i am and continue and will always be a strong believer that people especially i think it's more common with women who you know because of stereotypes and double standards who like you know don't want to be

thought of as promiscuous or a whore or don't want the guys to think less of them if they hook up on the first or second date will set this arbitrary timeline like, well, I make you go on four dates before we have sex, or I make them wait three weeks. You're literally doing nothing just wasting your time. You don't have an emotional connection now and you won't in three to four weeks. So at the end of the day, once you have sex with them, they're going to decide whether they want to stick around or not solely based off the sex and not you. And I will believe that forever. That being said, I've really thought a lot about, you know, because listen, dating is

getting harder and harder and I feel like people are getting more and more frustrated. And there is this thing called hookup culture that really has taken over the dating landscape. And I think it is a product of sex positivity and the idea that like, hey, if we're adults, if we wanna have sex, we should be empowered to feel like we can have sex when we want without the shame and judgment that so often comes with it.

And I stand by that. Nevertheless, I just think hookup culture really has destroyed the people's desires to build emotional and romantic connections. I think partly is because of the biology of men. And I went down this rabbit hole in my head when I was thinking about this as someone who grew up very religious when I was young and like, hey, don't have sex before you get married. Sex came with a lot of shame. And so when I was hooking up as a young man, every time I'd have this two day shameful days of just being like, I'm going to fucking burn in hell. Fuck, man. It was a real conundrum for me. And while I don't subscribe to that belief now, and then my thoughts on religion have drastically

changed. And you could argue, even for people who don't necessarily subscribe to a higher power, that sometimes the benefits of... Maybe religion was just a way to control the masses in a sense. I'm kind of going off on a tangent. But what I mean by that is like, whether you're supposed to wait to have sex before marriage because you might burn in hell, you know, or someone like a long time ago was being like smart enough to be like, no fucking guy is going to ever fucking get married if they are getting a bunch of sex with a bunch of different women without having to commit to anything.

So we need to tell them that they're going to burn in hell. Otherwise, they're never going to want to settle down. I'm joking, but I do think there's something to that. I just think young men these days with all this access to porn and things like that, and with hookup culture being what it is, there's just kind of no incentive for them to like take the time to really get to know someone especially men in their 20s nowadays i think men in their 20s are essentially like 14 year olds emotionally they grew up watching a bunch of fucking porn on the internet and now it's pretty easy to go on a date or two and have some sex because everyone is feeling more empowered and just like,

you know what? I just want to fuck. I don't want to really want to do anything more than fuck. And I have my job. I want to focus on my job and I don't want the responsibility of a relationship and yada, yada, yada. And I really strongly feel like we're going to have to make some drastic changes culturally and the dating climate. Otherwise, I think the frustration you're feeling, which I'm betting that so many women listening to this episode right now are right with you and their frustrations, they share your frustrations. And listen, I want men to step up too. But I just think in general, we have gotten a little reckless with hookup culture. And I think, you know how sometimes we think we're capable of things more than we are? We're like, I can do this. It's just like when we lie to ourselves about liking someone we know isn't good for us. It's just like, yeah, no, they're-

It's just sex. I'm not going to get serious. I don't care. And I just, yeah, I think we, I'm not trying to shame sex and I'm not trying to shame anyone who wants to hook up. I just think for you, you would be better served to, if you want to go on dates and hook up on the first, second date, I think you need just to be fair to yourself and recognize you need to have the lowest of expectations of these guys and and so with that being said be more selfish if you are gonna hook up on the first or second date stop giving blow jobs without getting some without you know like it's the blow job should be the reward and you can have some fun with it be like i don't you know like nah i'm not you make a joke i know how y'all guys are you think you get a fucking blow job and you're fucking done you're like nah i'm like if i'm i ain't hooking up without getting mine you know and honestly i'm curious i think i think we need to call out men more often when it comes to like hookup culture i think if we're going to be in participating hookup culture we need to at least start having conversations before we're hooking up

because now it's like i'm willing to bet when you go on these dates, there's just a lot of like, awkwardness and but like, these fucking guys are taking off their clothes, or it's just like, you know, let's go up to my place, and we'll turn on the TV and we'll start making out but there's very little conversations about expectations, or what each other's each other likes, and expectations around like, I expect to get off, you know, here's how I like things. And I know that might be awkward, but if you can take your clothes off and share fluids, I think we need to start having these conversations because we're just going to continue to be disappointed over and over again if we don't make some changes. And yeah, I know

I just went on some fucking tangent but am i making any sense yes completely i like the idea of being a little playful with it because yeah like reflecting on it's always felt very weird the idea of having to like after the fact be like to a stranger and now yeah can you touch my parts yeah exactly i know just met you, but you've shared all your fluids with me and I've shared none with you. Exactly. But like, what a weird thing to do. So totally, I just, it's definitely more weird.

And so when a guy's all horned up, he will literally do anything. And after he's done being horned up he's again stupid and useless you know i get we i'm sure you've heard of of you know what is it what do they call it the post nut clarity post nut clarity it's like guy will you know moments before climax you can get him to say anything afterwards he's like oh my god what did i fucking say like holy shit like what is going on like i am so sorry i did not mean that um you know there's a lot of that so prior to like once things get hot and heavy i think it's totally reasonable to say hey all right time out you know like this is you know hey buddy this is gonna happen congratulations i'm i'm horny too and i just want

to get mine but like what do you like? And then if he doesn't ask you what you like, you'd be like, are you not going to ask me what I like? Or is this like, are we just here? I'm not here to serve you, buddy. You know, I'm here to, this is for me. You know, and I do think men and women, you know, and specifically, you know, you're a woman,

so I'm speaking to you, you know, women. And if you're going to participate in hookup culture you get yours have these expectations and communicate them up front and make sure you get yours first because they're again they're fucking useless afterwards so be selfish if if you're going to be in hookup culture stop being so fucking generous so early on with these guys that you know that once they climax, they're just fucking useless. And you're right. Then you're talking to someone who's a stranger and a guy with post-nut clarity is literally

a different person. You know what I'm saying? And so it's like you spend all night with this guy and then he climaxes and you're just like, holy shit, I barely know you but now i i don't even know you i don't person standing in front of me i who who are you you know because there's no rapport and everything about that night leading up to you got him him climaxing was about him trying to get laid and every and after he climaxes everything about that is how does he get the fuck out because he's like i'm i'm in a room with a stranger you know and i feel judged and i feel like my wiener's dirty or whatever the fuck

guys get really fucking weird and insecure right after they climax especially with strangers it's a very kind of vulnerable thing in their brain they're just like what did i fucking say or do like i don't you know and so i get you know know, you can be sex positive. It's like this weird thing that people think being sex positive is not respecting the power of sex. And sex is incredibly intimate. It's incredibly powerful for both men and women. And it literally brings up all these chemicals in our body that change how our brain operates, how our body operates. And we're just out there just flinging it around, acting like, hey, well, I'm sex positive. So what's the big deal? And I think we need to do a better job of respecting the powers of sex and at a minimum,

be willing to have conversations with these strangers to say, hey, we're both horny. We both want to hook up. Great like before we do let's set some expectations and boundaries here and i think if you do that it'll go a long way and and don't worry about how guys react and what i mean by that is like often you know we don't you know people are i don't want to sound crazy or pushy or whatever if a guy gets at any and if he can't handle a basic conversation about sex and expectations and boundaries before you have it fucking run you know leave immediately he is not worth it if he's not like you know what i'm glad we had this conversation what do you like i'm down to

have this conversation and makes you feel comfortable he should make you feel comfortable for one and have this conversation and if he makes you feel stupid or weird or uncomfortable, that is a sign for you that he is not fucking worth it. It's not your, and I'm not saying it's women's jobs to change men, but it's your job to protect yourself. It's your job to make sure you get what you deserve in a relationship. And it's your job to make sure you get what you deserve during sex and hookup culture. And when it comes to strangers, strangers usually don't make sure you get what

you deserve. We have to make sure as individuals we get what we deserve. And we do that by communicating, setting up for an expectations and boundaries. And when it comes to hooking up, don't get them to climax before you do if you really want to climax. Don't get them to climax before you do. If you really want to climax. Yes. Yeah. Cause it, it really,

it makes me feel like I'm just like, you know, like hired help for the night or something. Totally. And not like a, like a, a, a sex hack that I think could be serving to a beneficial to the ladies out

there. All women should start expecting all men, especially strangers, even your husband, your boyfriends, I don't care who you are. If you're going to make out, make sure they wash their hands. God only knows where their hands have been. Men are disgusting in general. The world is a disgusting place. And if you're going to be making out, I'm assuming, again, you want the foreplay. And if you want the foreplay and if you want the foreplay their hands are going to be on you and hopefully in you um and so you should as a like a hack you should be like can you please go wash your hands because i'm expecting you to use them and i want them to be clean oh i feel like that would be yes i'll just be honest like that's something like natalie early when we

started dating like would say to me and it was just like so fucking obvious and i was i thought to myself oh my god like i've been on this earth for that long and i haven't been considerate enough to always make sure that if i'm about to hook up with someone i wash my hands thoroughly like i was like embarrassed for myself and i, again, like I praise my fiance so much. She's always good about like speaking her mind and stating her expectations. And that's been great in our relationship. And I know that's not always easy to do. I know things can be awkward, but I just, again, I want to strongly encourage everyone, man or woman, if you're going to participate in hookup culture, at a minimum, you need to be

good at having these conversations. And I know it's difficult and I know it's awkward, but you're just protecting yourself and you're putting yourself in better situations, both just your safety in general and just your emotional well-being. Because as you know, the after effect of this is just, it's just so fucking depressing and disappointing. And you get in your head about yourself, whether you're doing something wrong or not. And so much of this can be avoided by having these conversations and just putting it out there, at least some of your expectations. Even if it's kind of in a playful, joking manner. And just being very mindful of how they respond you

know so like when you say that like can you you know can you go wash your hands because i'm expecting you to use them you know i'm curious what a guy would say if he's again says anything other than oh my of course like if he if he makes you feel stupid it's like my hands are clean like no they're fucking not also a genius opportunity when he leaves to hopefully either begrudgingly or eagerly wash his hands for you to do a little check-in yourself and say do i you know based on that do i really want to continue with this guy and then he can come back and you can say you know what i'm actually been thinking i have a very early day tomorrow yeah wish you the best bizu bizu yeah totally but he should jump at the opportunity every guy you

tell this to should have that epiphany that i had which is like oh my god of course i am yes because i'm totally gonna use my hands and like and if he says like if you're lucky or some bullshit like i'm sure a lot i bet a lot of guys would fucking say because in half the time they say because they're awkward and they want to sound macho. But either way, you still have the right to not give them the benefit of the doubt and say, what do you mean if I'm lucky? Let them be like, you know what, I'm good.

And I really think we just need to start holding these men more accountable for their awkward and inappropriate behavior. And then, you know, and your final gift to these guys that you end up rejecting, it may give them a note to say, like, talk less to your, get less advice from your guy friends and more advice

from your girlfriends. You know, stuff like that. Don't give them the benefit, don't get fucking, don't give strange men the benefit of the doubt. Period. And treat it like you're on, like, a bicycle, not a train. Like, it's not like once you get on the train, you have you have to wait like there's only very specific points you can get off like you're powering this thing like you can stop pedaling at any point in time and i know it's so much easier said than done like with all of this it's like we can talk about it conceptually

and then in the moment it is really hard to like communicate with that kind of like level of like intimacy and with a stranger so it is definitely something where like having this issue is in no way a reflection of like you but i do think nick's right that you there's a lot of ways that i think you can empower yourself to like make sure that they don't have the ability to make you feel shitty or used or just like unconsidered also yeah from personal experience the anxiety of putting the boundary down even in the moment and how terrifying that feels is still 10 times bigger better than like the pit in your stomach and the guilt the next day of why the fuck did i hook up with him i actually didn't want to

totally yeah and just remember on these dates don't give strange men the benefit of the doubt yes i mean like that's gonna we're gonna make that a tiktok trust your gut it's their job if they give you a bad vibe to figure out a way to immediately change it but if they give you a bad vibe do not give them the benefit of the doubt you have every right to a immediately just end the date or B, if you feel safe and comfortable enough to check them and ask them and say, I'm not into that. I don't feel comfortable. Why do you think that's okay to ask me that? Yeah. It's scary, but I think that that'll be a really good exercise just to do that the next time I feel anything anything weird because like you said ali like the the anxiety is nothing compared to just how fucking weird it feels after the fact and it's

and it takes i've had experiences where i do exactly the same and i think to myself i can't stop now it's already been going and i don't want to be accused of giving them blue balls and being a tease so i'll just go with it and be a tease i've also been the person who is like oh did i like put the boundary down too soon i should have probably just hooked up with them but i'm always so grateful that i didn't yeah no i i don't know where in history this this mindset started but it is if i do anything if I accomplish anything with the show, blue balls is a myth. Guys are weak and soft and they deserve to be called out. Corrected. Yes. It's not your job, but you have every right to do it if you want and feel it.

And the world will be a better place the more these guys get called out. And again, you don't have to be a dick about it you don't have to shame them you know you you can just be like can i ask what's going on or why you felt like that was okay or or even before you get to that point just say like all right great if we're gonna do this like i want this you know saying what you want you know i think if nothing else do that and it'll go a long way it's just making sure that if you're gonna hook up with someone early on that you have every right to have your selfish expectations because if you're hooking up with a guy on the first or second date what's the fucking point if if if not only to get off i agree like so you know be fucking selfish yeah and clearly

like no woman i would assume have had these conversations with any of these men if they're still doing this so a public service really because hopefully that means that they won't continue to repeat that behavior yeah some men are some men are just assholes they don't give a shit and they're just like they're just pieces of shit but i honestly think there's a large group of men who just don't fucking know better and no one's telling them you know and they their whole dating life has been part of hookup culture where it's just like i go on a date i fuck i move on and i just i think when it comes to relationships whenever you decide that if you want to you know quote-unquote settle down or maybe date someone more long term I do strongly encourage people

to challenge themselves to like take sex off the table and listen Natalie and I hooked up the first night you know full disclosure and it worked out and I'm not saying it can't work out, but two people truly have to mutually love the sex so much that they just want more sex and the desire to have more sex continues. And in the middle of that, they get to know each other and build that emotional connection. But that's the exception. More often than not, sex is just generally okay or slightly awkward because it's two strangers hooking up and too much value is being placed on the sex. And then people are dismissing each other's personality and the ability to get to know each other and vibe out that allows them to continue to hang out. So if you meet someone that you like and see potential,

I challenge people to take the sex off the table for a period of time and to say, hey, listen, like, sucks for you. I kind of like you. And I really want to get to know you. And it's not like a three or four date thing. It's like, it's maybe a one or two month thing where you really feel like you know someone. And, you know, it's, you don't have to, but I do strongly encourage people to try that out. No, I think that's great. All right. and you know it's you don't have to but i do strongly encourage people to try that out no i

think that's great all right because and you know like the most satisfying sex is obviously with the people that you have the strongest connection with typically so totally all right well listen thanks for the call i think this was incredibly relatable i appreciate your honesty and vulnerability i'm sorry you had to go through this stuff but i really think we had a great conversation i think a lot of people learned a lot. I really appreciate it. I would absolutely really love and appreciate an update. If you incorporate any of these changes, we'd love to see what you've experienced, how it goes. And I think you would be doing a lot of people a lot of favors by communicating what you've experienced through this. Totally. Yeah. I will keep you guys updated. This was incredibly helpful. So thank you so much.

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trying to say. You'll be amazed what you can do with Grammarly Go. Go to Grammarly.com slash go to download and learn more about Grammarly Go. That's G-R-A-M-M-A-R-L-Y dot com slash go. How's it going? Hi, my name is Faye and I'm 21 years old and my boyfriend is ready to get married, but I'm afraid that we may be too young. Okay. How long have you been dating for? So we've been together for five years consecutively, no breaks. Okay. We've had some really, really tough times.

really really tough times um and i'm gonna try to say this without like super like trying to air out my laundry but like air it out it's fine we yeah we're a laundromat we are the clothesline okay well essentially about a year ago um back in june um i was like kind of worried about him because he was going to getting distant. And, you know, at this point, we've been together for over four years and I was really, really worried about it. And I could just feel something was wrong. So one night, whenever he was sleeping, I grabbed his phone and I looked through it. he was sleeping, I grabbed his phone and I looked through it. And although I didn't find any text messages or DMs between him and anyone else, I went into his recently deleted photos. And there were pictures and like screenshots of girls like on Instagram that he used to know. And like some of them were like bikini pictures,

some of them were like, kind of just like just regular pictures, just like that were screenshotted. And I was really concerned and freaking out. I was like, you know, what the hell? Why? Why is this on your phone? And, you know know my immediate reaction was to just like flip my like i was i was insanely angry and like i threw the phone at him while he was sleeping and i did you hit him like i had threatened to leave um and so i have been going to therapy so I have been going to therapy to get over that. Um, but even though that happened, we never broke up. Um, can I interrupt for a second? Yeah, go ahead. You've been going to get therapy to get over it. What has he been doing? Because like, I just kind of hate the way that sounded and I'm not like lecturing you. Cause I think a lot of people say that because like it almost to get

through it rather than over it, because you'll a lot of people say that, because like almost to get through it rather than over it, because you'll never essentially get over something. You know, it's not like, therapy doesn't erase your memory of what happened. It just helps you process it and then give you the tools to try to better communicate,

you know, with your partner or help you be more honest with about yourself and your feelings. So you going to therapy to get over something he did without him being a part of that healing process is I feel like I'm glad you're in therapy and I'm guessing that's helpful on all aspects, but I don't know how that's helping the relationship. It's. It helps you more than it helps the relationship and certainly more than it helps him.

Right. Because therapy isn't going to get him to not do this. It's not going to get you to understand why he did this. It's not going to necessarily make you trust him more if you don't have the answers as to why he did it and an answer that you truly in your gut trust and understand you know that because usually when it's something like this that the honesty needs to hurt a little bit almost you know because usually we get caught what did he say by the way when when you caught him um well

whenever i caught him that night um he didn't really say much. He would, he was crying, obviously, like we were both crying. Um, and it was really, really hard for us to get through, but like through, cause we lived in an apartment together. So it wasn't like I could just leave. And, um, so we were in the apartment together and we just kind of slept separately that night and I was I was just so mad that I didn't really give him the chance to really answer because he didn't know he was half asleep and he'd had no idea what was going on but the next day we talked about it and he um just kept telling me like I don't know I don't know why I did it I don't know like, I don't know. I don't know why I did it. I don't know like this. I don't know that. And I'm just like, well, that's not helping. Like if you can't give me

like a decent response, like how am I supposed to trust you? Like, especially like after all of this, um, but he, but we, I mean, we've been working through it. Like he has not, he's not in therapy. I will say that he's not in therapy. And, um, the only thing that I've really asked of him is to communicate if something's wrong, because he has major issues. He thinks that if he doesn't talk about it, then it won't bother him. And like, I'm not a perfect person either. And I don't expect him to just, you know, roll with everything that happens in our relationship. I would like for him to talk about it, but that's really the only thing that I've asked of him, like moving forward. So when did the marriage conversations come up? So we've always wanted to get married, like even in high school, like we

were talking about it. We, we started dating ourself the end married like even in high school like we were talking about it we we started dating ourself the end of sophomore year high school and um it was pretty immediate for both of us that's what we wanted and he's a very it's kind of like the opposite but like he's always been very committed up until that happened and um do you even have a clear answer of what happened um so it wasn't even until like a couple of months after that he came up with an answer and his answer was that um i wasn't paying attention to him enough so he blamed you for his actions i I say that, like, I'm sitting here trying to defend him because we're still together. But he, you know, I don't even know how to say it, but in a way, yes. But also in another way, it's like he confided in me as to, you know, whatever happened.

And he took accountability for what he did from the job. He didn't ever try to deny it. He just straight up told me like, Yeah, this is what happened. And then at some point, I was like, you know, like, why did you do this? Like, why was that something that even, you know, crossed your mind? And he just said that he was horny. he was looking at other girls and he shouldn't have been doing it and i was like okay well where's the gap in communication right there and he was like i just feel like you're not paying attention to me enough uh for me to be able to do that

and i was just like well damn like truth hurts but yeah he's not wrong. No, he is. He's wrong. Because, like, that's not how a relationship works, right? Like, a relationship is two people, two imperfect people, right, who have throughout, let's say, a year, have good and bad days and things like that. And as two young people, you have a million things going on. I don't know what your hopes and dreams are for your personal self. Are you in school? I don't know what your career goals are. But I'm sure you have a lot in your mind about the things that you have the literal whole rest of your life to kind of figure out. And that can be stressful and challenging. And there'll be periods of wanting to self-isolate or just kind of being in your head or not communicating. And that's just being a human being. And if you're going to be in a committed relationship, the idea that your partner can choose to step out of the relationship

in any way, emotionally or physically, because you're not on your A game, so to speak, and that's somehow your fault. No, that's total bullshit. If he felt disconnected from you, at any point, he could say, hey, babe, can I just check in? I'm feeling that we're, I feel a little disconnected from you. I don't know, I'm not saying it's you, I'm not saying it's me, but I just feel us as a couple are a bit disconnected. Can we talk about that? And you could say, babe, of course, I'd love to

talk to you about that. Thank you for checking in. I have been in my head a little bit recently, and I'm sorry if I've made you feel like I wasn't paying attention to you, but just know that I love you. I just been a little stressed out because of X, Y, or Z. Could have done that. That's bare minimum. He didn't. What he did is he decided to go on the old gram and look up his Explorer page and start like rubbing his dick because, you know, he goes to salt and boobs and like, whatever, you know, like it's, I'm not saying he committed a capital crime about like looking at girls, you know, it's not right. crime about like looking at girls you know it's not right it's not okay i'm more what to me the bigger sin here is the aftermath of how it's been handled because if i'm you you have no reason to think that this won't happen in the future you have no conf you have no reason to be confident

that he truly understands what the proper solution of this problem was. And the proper solution was to communicate, be upfront, open up to you that he feels disconnected from you. Because in any relationship, even the healthiest of ones, at times there's going to be periods where you two feel disconnected. That's just life in relationships. And as a couple, you're going to have to find ways to re-engage, to reconnect, to communicate, and to get better at reading one another and reading yourselves so that you guys can check in and make sure that you're not tempted to stray too far. But right now, he's just like, hey, I felt lonely. His feelings aren't the problem. It's how he processed and handled his feelings that are.

I agree. And he, I mean, and since then, um, cause like I said, that was almost a year ago. Um,

but it did really, really fuck with me. Like, yeah. And that's why I like started going to therapy. Like I was really, really scared that he would cheat or he would do that again. And,

um, because that was so out of character of him to do. And I think that's why like my therapist called it a form of shell shock. And I was like, Okay, yes, I could see that because it's out of the norm. But I'm I just can't let go of it and you know I was talking to her about it and she just essentially said that you're gonna have to you know put that aside and you know focus on like the future and the communication and stuff which is great and that's what we've done we've really healed that aspect of our relationship. Like communication is so great. Now we're at a point now where we're considering marriage again, and I'm 21 and he is 20, you know, you know, for reference, he's four, it's a four month difference,

like his birthday's next month. But, um, he and I have always wanted to do this but there's a part of me that's like am I too young am I making a bad decision because um because I'm blinded because I'm so in love or am I you know just doing what I think is best. And, you know, between like the, between the pressure of like our families being like, you shouldn't get married. Like you shouldn't do this. You shouldn't do that. And like, like that sounds so messed up, but like, it makes me want to do it even more. Like, no, it's not messed up. That's pretty normal to do. Yeah. That's pretty normal. Uh, it's not messed up. That pretty normal what to do yeah that's pretty normal uh it's not messed up yeah that doesn't mean they're wrong per se you know listen you seem like a very highly intelligent

and emotionally mature person uh you seem self-aware and that's amazing you know listen the the we've always felt this way i you know i don't know how to say this without potentially at the risk of sounding condescending. You were very young when you met him. And I mean, what you think and you want for yourself or what you think is the best for yourself and your hopes and dreams at 16, 17 or 18, you're going to come to find don't really fully represent who you're going to become as an adult. And so I totally understand how you feel now. I literally have been in your shoes. Today is the oldest you've ever been. So compared to when you met him, you feel much older, you feel much wiser, you feel much more mature. And those all can be true. But it also doesn't mean that you don't still have a lot to learn

and discover about yourself and each other. And sometimes, you know, when a young couple meets like you met in high school, you know, like anything, like regardless of your age, you know, whether you're 20 or 21 or you're 40, you know, after you do something for a while, it kind of gets a little well what's next you know what's the next step how do we how do we build you know i think as human beings we constantly want to evolve and grow and advance things and so you've been dating for five years

you're both kind of like well you know we've been dating for five years we've been literally talking about marriage since we've been together it It's overall been generally good. We've had this hiccup, but we seem to work through it. Yada, yada, yada. I guess the next logical step is to get married. And listen, young couples have gotten married and they've been successful. I'm not here to tell you what to do, but I can promise you that there's a high probability that you're both going to evolve and change as people and what you wanted for yourself in five or six years might change. And if you're just getting married, well, if a big part of why

you're getting married is because, well, we always talked about it and it's the next logical step, I would challenge, you can still get married at 23, 24. You don't have to break up, but I don't know. I would encourage you to take your time. I would highly encourage you to suggest couples therapy with your boyfriend. And if he is resistant to that, that should be a major red flag about getting engaged. I agree. He should be willing, especially as a young couple, to find and learn all the potential tools that allow you guys to stay as connected as possible and work through some issues that

are definitely going to come up. You don't know what those issues are, but I promise you they will come up. And as a horny, he's not going to get any less hornery in the next five or six years. He's in his peak horniness right now. And so what's going to happen are two or three years where maybe you discover something that you want to go to school for. You get really invested in a personal goal and you're really excited about this personal goal, whatever it is. And maybe you haven't discovered that personal goal yet. And so you get really dedicated and you're really excited about this personal goal. But because of your excitement, he feels a little disconnected.

He feels a little unseen. He feels a little not as prioritized as he used to. And he would have a right maybe to feel that way. But if he hasn't learned the tools, what's going to stop him again for maybe you're busy and he meets some girl at some event who gives him a little attention just the right amount that he's not getting from you and he tells himself oh i'm not doing anything wrong this is okay it's cool and then but you know caesar again you know and next thing you know oh holy shit he made out you know i don't know i i just think there is no harm in waiting i mean if i were you and i know you might hate hearing this, as far as how long you've dated, I would kind of like, in your mind, eliminate high school.

Like it almost doesn't count. I'm not saying it doesn't count because I'm sure you had a lot of great memories, but you were also in high school and you were literally kids when you met. And so your adult relationship is only two to three years old. People, and especially nowadays, spend a lot of their 20s living up to the expectations

they set for themselves when they were teenagers, only to find out that what they wanted for themselves as adults is very different than what they wanted for themselves as teenagers. And you might be the exception to the rule, but you also might not be. And there is no harm in staying in this relationship, continue to work on this relationship, potentially introduce couples therapy,

and continue to date, continue to build in a relationship. And maybe in two or three years, if it's just as strong and the love is just as palpable, to maybe consider engagement then. The flip side is you spite your parents. Say, well, we told ourselves this. We're going to do it. You get married at 22. And all of a sudden, you're 24. You wake up.

You realize you're two different people, you're divorced by 27, you've had to hire expensive lawyers, choice is yours. But I just, I don't see a lot of downside to waiting other than being impatient. And the downside of getting it wrong while making a very permanent decision with less information than you're going to have a few years from now is just a lot riskier and could be potentially a lot more expensive and a lot harder on your mental health. So for someone who's not a family member and not a parent and has no skin in this game, I've literally been in your shoes. And I had a seven-year relationship with someone I met at 18 off and on.

And she was a wonderful person. And I was convinced I was going to marry her. And as wonderful as a person as she is, I couldn't be more grateful it didn't work out between us. And at 21 years old, you could not have convinced me that to be the case. I would have fought you to the ends of the earth and convinced you why we were destined to be together. I think there's things going on that your gut's telling you, maybe we're not ready.

And I think it's important that you listen to your gut. Yeah. And he recently, like we had gotten into, we had kind of gotten into it, um, like a month ago and he had essentially, like, I was mad because I didn't feel like anything was happening, like in a relationship. I didn't feel like anything was like progressing. Like we weren't saving enough. Like we're wanting, like essentially like we're wanting to buy a house together. Like that's been like the ultimate goal, like alongside like getting married, having kids, you know, whatever. And I was kind of upset that he, um, hadn't like made time to make like a savings plan with me. So I was a little frustrated and then it kind of boiled over into like, well, I would like to be married sometime soon. You know, like I don't

want to have to like, you know, you said that or he's waiting on you. I did. Okay. We both kind of got emotional and he was like, I lied to you about how much I'm selling my truck for. And I was like, like, why would you lie to me about that? And he goes, I'm selling it for like $2,700. lie to me about that. And he goes, I'm selling it for like $2,700. And if you do the math, I told you I was only selling it for 1500. And I was like, he goes, what else would I use that money on? I was like, Oh shit. Like I felt so bad that I had to make him feel like he had to tell me that. And then secondly, like it kind of hit me that like, like we're living at my mom's house right now. We're saving to buy a house, but even still, like we're still young and we've got a lot to learn about each other still. So I, I, I agree with you and I definitely am going to get

him involved in couples therapy. I, I would, yeah, that'd be to me, that would be the first thing that I would suggest. And as I've said, you know, couples therapy is much better served when it's applied like a safety belt or a bicycle helmet rather than reconstructive surgery. So if he gets defensive, well, like, why do you think we need couples therapy? It's just like, because every couple can benefit from couples therapy. Couples therapy helps couples stay and become more connected. And that's really the goal of any relationship is to stay and become more connected. So it's, it should be something that you guys both embrace, especially as a young couple who has a lot of ambitious goals about their relationship. But yeah, listen, I, uh, it's great that you're in love and it's, I'm glad that

you guys have found each other, but don't be afraid to be patient. And if, if either, you know, if either of you gets anxious about being patient or afraid about being patient, that that's a red flag. That's telling you something like, why are you so anxious? You know, why are you so impatient? Because marriage doesn't save any moving in. Doesn't save a relationship. Getting engaged. Doesn't save a relationship. Marriage doesn't save a relationship. Getting engaged doesn't save a relationship. Marriage doesn't save a relationship. Having kids doesn't save a relationship. All it does is complicate things because they're all very stressful

and potentially expensive things. And it requires two people to be very much on the same page and very connected to get through all those wonderful, but challenging stages of a relationship. And I think I've made the mistake as a young person to do the things to like, oh, you know, in my gut, I was a little worried. So I wanted to advance it,

you know, hoping that that would like give us another, you know, kind of honeymoon phase or a surge of adrenaline and connectedness and things like that. And it just, it doesn't work that way. connectedness and things like that and just it doesn't work that way so i highly encourage you to be open to being patient and really focus on getting to know each other there is no race for the rest of your life just remember whether you marry him or someone else you're talking about the rest of your life and that's a really long fucking time it's it's much longer than you've ever been alive and i'm guessing today you probably feel old and wise and it's you're you're you're just getting started so you know take take your time my whole problem with everything is is that i have been super impatient about it and i've been you know like i said like i made him feel guilty or i made myself

feel guilty because i made them tell me i since like i had made him feel like he needed to tell me when he was like why he was doing i think you're too hard i mean i think you're too hard on yourself you didn't make him do anything i think it's maybe if nothing else just a signal that you guys could better communicate. Because listen, like, I know you want it to be a surprise and you can have it be a surprise, but like you guys should be talking about a proposal, you know, you should, at a minimum, you should be giving them ideas of what kind of proposal you'd want. You know, you should be giving them notes to be successful. You should have some idea, you know, you can still be surprised and you guys can still communicate expectations about

what a proposal might look like or what type of engagement you want to have. You shouldn't be so afraid of ruining the surprise that you avoid all the conversations around the topic. And the fact that you are a bit impatient should be a signal to yourself that maybe you should challenge yourself to be a little bit more patient. I agree with you. Yeah. Thank you. Because that's like, that's what I needed to hear. I needed somebody to tell me that. What you guys are experiencing is fairly normal. And I would hate for you to ruin a good thing by

being impatient and putting the cart before the horse or trying to meet the expectations you two set for each other at 16 years old. It's just, it's more often than not, that's a recipe for disaster. And you could ultimately be ruining a potentially good thing by being a little too impatient. I agree. Yeah. Thank you.

All right. Well, good luck. Please keep us posted how these conversations go. If you guys enter into couples therapy, we'd love to know how that conversation went, how it's going. If you're willing to share, I'm sure there's a lot of young couples listening to this who would love to to hear your story as you as you progress with it yeah absolutely i will all right well

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Hey, Nick. My name is Jasmine. I'm 31 years old, and my husband and I are both working parents, and we're fighting over childcare. Okay. Tell me more. Give me some details. So my husband and I both work from home since the pandemic. And prior to the pandemic, I did not work from home. I worked out in the field. He's always worked from home. And the two of us had a baby about nine months ago. And we love her. She's our world. But me, I would like to be able to focus on work during the workday. And my husband is passionate about us watching the baby while we're working. Currently have a schedule in place where

I'll watch her in the morning, he'll watch her in the afternoon. And our jobs are different in what's expected of us. So I am required to produce in order to make my income. I'm in sales and he's in tech. So as long as he gets his job done by a certain deadline, he's able to just maintain the same paycheck. So that's really what my issue is. And I was hoping you could give me some advice. Yeah. Yeah. It's tricky, right? I'm assuming you've had conversations with him around the differences of your roles and responsibilities as it relates to your job? Yeah, for sure. Because we have been able to now be back in the workforce for about six months, both of us, we've been managing as best as we can, but I feel I'm not managing as

well as I could be. And he feels we're managing just fine. So at first we just tried this to see if we could handle it. And I'm feeling like I can't handle it. I think in any relationship, and this could be a note for your husband, one person doesn't get to say it's fine if the other person says it's not. It's like, congratulations if it's working for him, but it's not working for you. So therefore it's not working and he needs to recognize that. Have you provided him any solutions or alternatives to the current structure that you think would work for you and think might work for him as well? Because while I understand, especially as someone who formerly was in sales, that there are kind of peak selling hours, so to speak, and you very much have to work

around your customer's availability in order to get the job done, which again, as a programmer and someone in tech, it's like, I don't care when you get your... As your manager's kind of like, I don't know, just meet the deadline. If you're a night owl, great. If you're a morning person, great. I don't care. Just get it done. That being said, it's not necessarily fair for you to say, well, your job allows you to this, so I need you to pick up all the slack that my job doesn't allow me to do. So I'm curious, did you provide any other proposals or solutions to this problem? We could pay for in-home childcare. We could pay for external childcare. We have retired grandparents who are begging to help. So all of those would, for me, be viable solutions. Right.

He's turning down grandparents who want to help? Yeah. Are they your parents? No. They're his. Yeah. And why is he turning that down? He feels like it's asking for help and it's putting people

out when in actuality, it's what they want to be doing. Well, either way, you also need help. He needs to recognize that it's okay to ask for help. More importantly, it's okay to acknowledge when you need help. Whether you acknowledge it or not, it doesn't change the fact that you might need it. Right. And I think to your point, because he doesn't feel he needs help, doesn't mean we don't need help. And I think that makes a lot of sense. Yeah. So have you had conversations with him that when it comes to this particular conversation, I and me language is useless and also frustrating as opposed to the we and us, useless and also frustrating as opposed to the we and us. We, if one of us has a problem, then we have a problem and you both need to acknowledge and respect that truth.

Yeah, I agree. How would you approach initiating that conversation? Because the conversations that I've attempted to have seem to result in, well, it's working. You're selling. I'm completing my deadlines. We get there eventually. It's okay. How would you approach it? Yeah. I would say, babe, it's working because I'm a goddamn machine, but this isn't sustainable. You know? And you could say, babe, just like, if I'm being honest, I feel like you're kind of dismissing what I'm saying. I'm just being honest with you. I am telling you that this isn't working for me. And while I might be getting it done, I don't feel like I'm getting through this. I feel like I'm surviving this current situation that we have.

It's very stressful for me. It's just not sustainable. And it kind of hurts my feelings that because you think it's working for you that you assume it's working for us. And I'm just being honest with you, it's not working for me and I hope that both of us, whether it's this situation or another situation,

if one of us is having an issue, then as a collective, we recognize that we have an issue, then as a collective, we recognize that we have an issue because it doesn't matter if one of us is happy and one of us is sad. We want us to both be happy. And so it would really mean a lot to me if you would work with me on this because I'm just being upfront with you. This current solution, I'm just getting through.

I'm just surviving it. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm enjoying my job less. I'm not even enjoying being a parent as much as I want to be a parent. And then I'm ultimately getting frustrated with you. And I don't want to feel any of these things. So do you want me to keep feeling all these bits of frustration? Can you work with me on this? And babe, it's okay to suggest that we need help. There's nothing wrong with that. We're first-time parents where there's a lot going on and help. I mean, again, you're both successful working people. If he doesn't want mom and dad to do it for free, then pay for it. That's not necessarily getting help. That's just like using the money you earn. And you clearly have options. It doesn't even have to be. He's like,

well, I don't want to waste money on that. Well that well great then let's have mom and dad do it they literally they literally want to do that they have nothing else going on it would be their retirement it would be a dream of theirs have them watch the stand-up special of uh it's on netflix it's hysterical you'll love it leanne morgan leanne morgan yeah it's on netflix and she just had a new special but she actually talks a little bit about this she is a grandparent she fucking loves taking care of the kids and it's like just sit down and watch it with them don't even tell them why it's it's honestly just really fucking funny it's a really good special but there's a part in this that kind of talks about how much her and her husband just fucking love doing it and that might like soften it a

little bit for him you know he'd be like hey see they love it like i think your parents would feel the exact same as she does about this but more importantly regardless of what you guys decide he needs to acknowledge and respect the fact that just because his needs are being met doesn't mean the relationship's needs are being met and you're both part of needs are being met. And you are both part of the relationship. And in the future, you might be okay with something and he might not. And I don't think he would appreciate you saying, well, it's working for me. Agreed. So all you're asking him is to empathize with your situation a little bit more

and be willing to make some adjustments, even though it's not his ideal solution. Yeah. I think I need to be stronger in bringing that up. It's very easy for me to try to be amicable and try to be amenable to the situation and agree, okay, fine, it's working, but it's really not. And I need to say that it's not for us. Be upfront with them that like, I can keep trying to do this, but I'm pretty confident I'm going to start resenting this whole situation. And I don't want to feel resentment towards my job. I don't want to feel resentment towards our wonderful child. And I don't want to feel resentment towards you. And all I'm asking is for you to work with me to help this situation because this isn't

sustainable for me. I need your help, babe. I hope it's okay that I'm asking for your help. It's okay that we ask for help. No one's handing out medals to you two for being super parents or like, what is that? I don't, you know. I agree. I think it comes from our upbringing where I was raised by a single mother.

He was raised by his mother who watched the children during the day and at night would work. So coming from those backgrounds, it's very easy for me to see, well, it makes sense to have help. But when he grew up with parents that didn't have help, didn't ask for help, couldn't afford help, it's hard for him to see that, you know, need help as a couple not just i but we yeah and like that's the thing it's just like okay great they did that they probably would have loved the help if they could have had it they didn't have they didn't have the means but thankfully you guys do is he it's like he's wanted to challenge himself like oh if my parents are i can do it too fuck like but yeah it sounds like you need to be willing to stand up to him a little bit more use the us and we language get him to try to

empathize with you a little bit more and just you know talk with him about this because it's just simply not sustainable and i would just say it's just really frustrating that you keep acting like because your needs are being met that our needs are being met. And I'm telling you, our but aren't seeing what's going on and helping you. Like whenever I feel like that, like I just, I realized I ended up feeling so like isolated and lonely. And it's this paradox because it's like the whole reason I feel that way is because there's too many things to do and too many people that I want to be with at the time. But like, especially if after the we language, if at any point things start to like escalate, or you feel like he's saying, he's starting to get defensive. Like I think saying like, babe, like I'm lonely. Like I feel unseen. I feel unseen. I feel like I'm doing this on my own

and you are such an amazing partner and there are so many ways that you show up for me. Well, careful about the I'm doing this on my own because he certainly feels like he's helping. Yeah, or like it makes me feel like- I think, well, the biggest thing is more, correct me if I'm wrong, but because of this current situation,

I'm guessing you feel like as a saleswoman, as a mom and as a wife, you're not the best version of what you think you are capable of being. You feel like you could be a better employee. You feel like you'd probably be a better mom and you probably feel like you could be a better wife. Absolutely.

And I feel like you could communicate that to him. It's just like, I'm just tired of feeling I'm doing like a half ass and all these things. And if this motherfucker says, well, babe, I think you're an amazing wife, you need to respond, babe, I need you to give a shit. I'm communicating to my feelings.

Can you please listen and acknowledge my feelings and make me feel like my feelings are valid? Because when I tell you my feelings, you seem to have a pattern of making me feel like you're dismissing them by telling me you don't have a problem with it. And I'm telling you, I want to feel like this is not about your feelings. This is about my feelings.

I want to feel like I'm the best wife possible. I want to feel this way. I want to feel like I'm enjoying my child. I want to feel like I'm enjoying my job. I have done all these things, but the combination of all of them together is not allowing me to enjoy any of them. And I very much desperately want to. And instead of us being so afraid to spend money or asking our parents for help, I think it's foolish for us to stubbornly say we don't need help all while I feel these things.

That makes a lot of sense, especially the part about not being the best version of myself, because I know that's very much so the case. I think it's interesting because sales is so quantifiable. Since you came from sales, you know if you're hitting your marks or not, your quota, your numbers, your expectations. And so I've been hitting the numbers, the marks, expectations. And so I've been hitting the numbers, the marks, but it's draining. You're not happy. Not to your point. I just don't feel present with the baby when I'm with her and taking a sales call. I don't feel present at home or as a wife. I can't clean. I can't do things that I would normally be able to do if I dedicated myself to doing one thing at a time and doing it really well, because I know I'm capable of that. And I think that makes a lot of sense to

express it in that way and to express it as a collective together and team, something I haven't tried yet. Yeah. If he's down, I would love, I'd love to get him on and have a mediation about this if he's not. Oh God, absolutely not. I would love it too, but I definitely know that would never happen. Is he a pretty stubborn guy? More than I've ever seen. That's why I love him. Okay.

Well, and that's great. But I know that's totally fine if he doesn't want to come on, but don't be afraid to suggest maybe couples therapy and he might resist it. But like, you know, listen, this is a serious, this shit matters. And as great as it sounds like overall you love the husband and you love the kid but like this is the shit that really

can break down a marriage you know and especially if you feel like you can't communicate your feelings and if you feel like your feelings are constantly being overlooked and dismissed it just adds up and if he needs to see that, and if what you say to him, isn't getting through to him, he needs someone else to get through to him that he is not acknowledging and your feelings. And he's dismissing your feelings based off of his assumptions of how he thinks everything should be. A hundred percent. You've nailed it. You don't even know him. I also think that, you know, there's so few things he's so stubborn about. So I typically get to call a lot of the shots, but when he has an opinion, that's very strong.

That's it. That's the opinion. And it's very difficult to, as a salesperson, to not be able to negotiate and share my side and be able to persuade. It's very difficult to handle, but I think- I think in a marriage, and someone who's never been married, so I don't take it with a grain of salt, I just feel like neither of you should have any non-negotiables. There should be no, like, this is, I've put my foot down. I mean, you should have your boundaries and non-negotiables on how you want to be treated, but when it comes to decisions that the collective, that the couple needs to make, you both need to be willing to compromise. You can say like, listen, I know this is a big ask. I know you're not comfortable with this, but I really need this.

And I'm, I'm happy to, to do things as well, but I really need this, babe. This is really important to me. I really need you to take this seriously because I'm burning out. And I just, I'm very afraid of what could happen if I get to that point of burnout, whether it's my job. I just don't. I need your help, babe. And it's really, really important to me that you hear me out here. And I want to feel like I need to feel like you understand my feelings. Yeah, for sure.

I agree. All right. Good luck. I feel pumped up. All right. Good luck. I feel pumped up. All right. I appreciate your help. Let us know. Give us an update.

Really curious about this one. Absolutely. Thank you guys. All right. Take care. Congratulations on the beautiful baby and go watch that standup special with him. And if either way,

you'll be entertained. It's really good. Thank you. I appreciate it. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye-bye.

Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com. Also, again, don't forget we have Vile Files Plus for all the update specials that you can ask for. We'll see you back tomorrow. It's going to be fun and wild. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye.