The Viall Files - E585 Ask Nick with Tinx - Romanticize Standing Up For Yourself

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we talk to Tinx about her new book “The Shift,” what inspired her to write it, and who she hopes reads it. We then read a listener’s email and give some advice about friendship.  Our first caller is addicted to her four year situationship - they met on Halloween only to end things around New Year’s, and have been repeating that same cycle three years running. She isn’t sure how to end it (and we’re not sure she wants to). Our second caller recently broke up with her boyfriend of four years, but has an upcoming trip to Tulum that’s too late to cancel. She hasn’t been able to find a friend to go with her, and is debating going with her ex anyways. Our final caller was ghosted by an amazing first date on the same week her dog died - she isn’t sure if she should reach out or how to move on from him, or what to do if he ever resurfaces.  “You’re not his mommy and you’re not his therapist.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  Tinx’s book, THE SHIFT: Change Your Perspective, Not Yourself is available now at www.theshift-book.com. THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://www.article.com/VIALL and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. Drizly - Drizly is the most convenient way to buy beer, wine and spirits, with delivery to your doorstep in under 60 minutes. Download the Drizly app or go to https://www.Drizly.com Helix Sleep - Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to HelixSleep.com/Viall. This is their best offer yet and it won’t last long! With Helix, better sleep starts now. True Classic - True Classic is hooking our listeners up with an exclusive deal to help you get ahead on gifting. For a limited time only, get 25% off with the code VIALL at https://www.trueclassic.com Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @tinx @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell  

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of $100 or more. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to a very special edition of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by the household of ali amanda and derek and a special ask nick guest we don't do a lot of special guests for ask nick but we thought it'd be appropriate given who this guest is the one the only tanks hi guys we love an icon who has a first name only basis um jealous obviously um can't just be nick your last name is like the hook of your whole show though it's a shitty last name though it's not people are confused by it you know no one's gonna say it but that's good because then it's like keeps the people talking

yeah yeah we we love to see the people that's where i was going that yeah uh tinks how you doing welcome back good thank you for having me congratulations on your book thank you thank you i'm so so excited tell us about it what was the inspiration this is the book that i needed when i was 19 and 24 and 28 and still need to read now honestly it is a guidebook for self-esteem, especially in the context of dating. It's all about how you need to fill up your cup first and know yourself and then date from a place of true abundance mindset and how you really focus on your own life and gratitude and really making yourself happy, better people drop in and it's just easier

and more fun uh what is your favorite chapter in the book like what is something that it was kind of like when you're writing it like a an aha moment you're like you know what this is this is this is a part i really am proud of or i really think like if someone incorporates this they'll have way more success i really like the chapter on, there's a section on breadcrumbing because I, in my twenties, that is all I ate. I was on an all breadcrumb diet in dating. I just loved it, accepted it, thought that that was the way it should be. And it's a very funny section if I do say so myself.

So it's just about like a fake text conversation of a guy breadcrumbing and how you could accept that if you are accepting the bare minimum, which I did for many years of my life. And for the people, I mean, we've heard the term breadcrumbing out there and there's probably a lot of different definitions out there. But from your point of view, how would you describe that? And what do you mean about living on a breadcrumbing diet? It's when you're dating someone and they they are essentially passively responding to you so you know i hear a lot from my followers like but he watched my instagram story like oh he sent a fire emoji or like oh he sent wyd like or something like that it's just passively just volleying not even volleying the ball back, just rolling the ball back.

And you on the other end are like, he rolled the ball back. He rolled the freaking ball back. We are getting married in Tuscany next year. I'm planning the wedding. And that was me my entire 20s where I just thought that that was it. And it turns out that when you say no to that, you can find people that are actually into you, want to spend time to you it's time with you love that i know there's a there's a there's a chapter in your book about uh main character being the main character yeah i definitely i mean main character energy i think it originated on tiktok but i think it's so important as a concept because uh i mean oftentimes in dating you will you will start waiting around for someone who doesn't care about you. And when you do that, you're elevating them to main character status in your life. And

it's so important to remember that you are the main character of your life. And when you wait for someone or when you accept less than you deserve or when you accept the bare minimum, you're literally saying, no, this character is more important in the netflix movie of my life and it's like no like you're the director you're also starring like you're writing this plot you need to push that person out to make way for a great uh secondary character who's worthy of your time the reason i asked that because i think the main character concept is fascinating because i agree with that. Like it is not YOLO, we have one life or whatever, but like, cause we sometimes forget that at the end of the day, like we just have to make the most of it.

And like, this is the one life that we have at the same time. Lately, I've been on this kick that I think we are experiencing a main character epidemic in this world. Totally. Of our ability to make every situation about us. Yeah. And that will also can get us stuck. So how have you learned as you've gotten older and wiser, balanced out being able to turn on that main character switch

when we need to remind ourselves that we should expect to be treated in the right way, that we don't need to seek out validation and things like that. And we need to stand up for ourself and set boundaries versus a time where there's something else going on in the world. And maybe that's not the moment to make the situation about us. And we need to be more empathetic and considerate to others. I think you make a great point. And there is I mean, I think it's honestly more to do with social media that everyone thinks that like their life is the most important and everyone has a personal brand. But the way I think about it is

like, OK, say your life is a movie. You're the main character. You're the director. It's like, don't you want your main character to be an amazing friend? Don't you want your main character to know when to shut up and listen? Don't you want don't you want your main character to be an amazing friend don't you want your main character to know when to shut up and listen don't you want don't you want your main character to be like wow there's actually bigger shit going on in the world than my little problem i'm gonna step back and like we'll talk about this and that that can all be part of your movie and those can all be important scenes where your main character learns how to you know be a great friend and listen and and all that stuff it's just you have it's like it's like healthy. It's like healthy ego. It's like knowing when to say, no, I need to enforce this boundary.

Like this person isn't texting me back like they're not good for me. And it's also knowing when to say, oh, my friend's going through a really hard time. Like I need to shut up and like just sit with them in this in this moment. Yeah, because I feel like the first thing I learned in film school was that a story or a movie is all about transformation and so it's like i think it can be so easy to kind of confuse main character with like i'm always right right like my initial gut reaction to any given situation is inherently correct and anybody who invalidates that is wrong and attacking me in an adversary as opposed to like yeah like you're saying about this discernment. Yeah, you want your main character to have an arc

and learn stuff and make mistakes and say, I'm sorry, I screwed up or I was the asshole in this situation or whatever. But I think in the context of dating, it's just knowing when to be like, I put this guy on a pedestal and he hasn't texted me for two and a half weeks. We need to do some rearranging

in the cast members of the movie right now well we have some great calls lined up that we have tinks aboard to help us shift through all right before we get to our first call we i know we have a uh something you want to discuss yeah i was especially excited for tinks to be here because i feel like in your 20s like not only is there this like dating navigation that needs to happen but also with friendships as those evolve and change and someone wrote in with like a kind of simple scenario that i think is there this like dating navigation that needs to happen, but also with friendships as those evolve and change. And someone wrote in with like a kind of simple scenario that I think extends to a larger question about like how you manage friendships and like the ebbs and flows

and changes. And so this person wrote in and said, I had a friend from childhood into my college years that I thought I was really close with. We didn't see each other often after high school, but whenever we connected, it was like no time had passed. When the big moments in my life, engagement, marriage, pregnancy, were announced on social media, she was always the first one to reach out to congratulate and support me. But when I had events for those big moments, bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, she never showed or acknowledged them. Now when she reaches out, I don't respond because if she can't be there for my big moments, why do I need her as a friend? Am I wrong for ghosting the friendship?

So I often say that I don't think friendship is made in the big moments. Like, I think it's wrong to, you know, question an entire friendship because someone can't make it to your wedding or whatnot. However, in this case, I will say it's weird weird she wasn't able to make it to all three um i would love to know if there was like a gift or a note sent or or what have you but it's difficult yeah because i think from the wording where she says she never showed or acknowledged so then no it's yeah that's the thing too and like i had a friend who recently it again like childhood friend we're not super close anymore but she had a bachelorette party and then she got married on the east coast like outside of dc and so i was like okay i'm gonna go to your wedding but then i can't also fly for a bachelorette i can't do both so i sent her like

a little missus bag and whatever as if like sorry i can't be there but i'm like financially time wise i can't do both but yeah'm like financially time wise i can't do both but yeah i agree with tinks of all three and without an acknowledgement without an acknowledgement i think it's like i don't think it's wrong to ghost i think it's just like friendships ebb and flow so much it's like one of the most painful things that we don't talk about enough is like those transitions from childhood to 20s to 30s like your friends really move around a lot i mean it does sound like three strikes you're out kind of thing i don't know just in life i'm not a big believer in burning bridges yeah and it's just like i think in this particular situation and i

love when we had ronnie wu on a couple weeks ago uh what he said about like in dating like give off the energy that you want to receive right so don't wait three days to text them back if you want them to respond right away you know and if they play the game that's that's their problem not you so like give them the behavior that they want to emulate like don't try to beat them at their own game right so i don't know if like calling her out or is it going to do anything you're welcome to reach out and say that hurt my feelings you know it bothered me but to tinks's point yeah like big life changes you know can drastically alter friendships you know for example i had uh i have a friend right i've been friends for years but our relationship has changed over time we were

we went in a period where we were all hanging out. And then me and my girlfriend at the time broke up. And I was out there single. And he was single. And it got weirdly competitive for a period of time. And I was at that time, I was comfortable with my singleness. And he was less comfortable with him being single. He was kind of rubbing me the wrong way. Because it was like every time we'd walk into a bar, he'd look around and be like, this place sucks. Let's go. And it was just like, he was just like hunting for like women all the time. I was like, can we just like hang out? And it's got contentious. So we grew apart a little bit, you know, and we just kind of lost. We just, yeah, we just stopped hanging out as much. There wasn't a falling out. There wasn't some intervention. I wasn't like, we're not friends anymore.

some intervention i wasn't like we're not friends anymore and a couple years go by you know years but then we reconnected you know and he kind of was in a more healthier mental state and i started hanging out with we became closer than friends i was hanging out with at the time where we lost distance to tinks's point there are ebbs and flows so i don't know if we necessarily need to have some big like friendship breakup because of this you know is it a fireball offense i don't think so and again we don't know what they might be going through totally is it selfish of them sure but like i bet they have a reason why you know well that's the thing too we don't know what the friend is going through and so i wish the wedding and the baby shower too much yeah like for whatever reason like maybe she just couldn't swing it and she was like embarrassed and didn't know what to say.

Like literally 20% of the questions that I get on my show is like, I can't go to this wedding and I'm freaking out. I don't know how to tell them I can't afford it. And it's like, there's a lot of awkwardness around weddings and babies and money and that kind of stuff. Like maybe if she did want to reach out because friends are you know friends are you know important and just throw throw the olive branch and been like you know hey i love you i wish you'd been there for my wedding like everything good or just wanted to

check in like or you know and maybe that friend would have said back dude i'm so sorry i just like i going through a tough time right now i can't swing it i'm sorry i was embarrassed i didn't know what to say i agree with nick i don't think it's I don't I wouldn't I wouldn't ghost altogether I also think yeah it sounds like she's you know reaches out when important things pop up on social media and I'm like how hard is it to just shoot back a thanks it doesn't seem like it's necessarily exactly taking a ton out of and they don't see each other that much so maybe it's just kind of maybe she felt like the other friend maybe felt like like i don't really see her that much like i'm so happy for her in these big moments but like we'd never hang anymore i just like i feel awkward going to

the wedding or whatever it wasn't right to not respond like it's just how hard is it to be like hey like i'm so sorry i can't come but like i'm sending a gift i'm so happy for you there are literally rsvps for weddings literally yeah that's the whole point it's just a box tick of nope can't come regretfully regretfully no but you never know people get in their heads i'm sure all of us have inadvertently forgotten to rsvp to something or whatever and someone takes it personally i just think that like i'm in a place in my in my life now where I over communicate to friends who matter to me because with text, social media, a million other things, it's so easy to get wires crossed

and it's easy to just be like, hey, I'm inviting you to this, but I know you live far away and you just had a baby. I'm okay. Seriously, don't worry about coming or whatever. Just make those overtures because they can be really helpful and like a nice way to massage a friendship.

And when it comes to friendships, I think it's always good to just reset our expectations that we have of friends with ourselves, right? Because sometimes if we expect too much, we can get disappointed. And it doesn't mean you don't have a right to be disappointed as we've kind of covered,

but just, Hey, we've lost touch. This isn't the friend that I can count on. Like I used to for X, Y, or Z, and you can be sad or disappointed. And you even have the right to I used to for X, Y, or Z.

And you can be sad or disappointed. And you even have the right to say, hey, listen, I'm bummed. But don't make the mistake of keep having the same expectation of them that you had from three years ago. That dynamic might have changed. And you might be in two or three years from now, change that expectation again to come further. Again, it changes. We have different priorities. And yeah, it's just like when they have other things going on in their life as well, like you do,

that's when I think main character syndrome can kind of get in the way of, because in your mind, hey, you're getting married. You have all these important life decisions. And to you, you're thinking, why didn't, this is my day. And like, it is, but like, don't let other people's lives and their priorities and with things they're going through get in the way of you enjoying it just because they didn't meet your expectations. Totally.

Something that I feel like I struggle with a lot is just like having a lot of friends who are like, like, I feel like I'm in a lot of long distance relationships with my friendships. And I feel like something that you've talked about, Tanks, is like kind of boyfriend island and like particularly how once dating gets involved, how there can be that kind of different kind of like resentment or like hurt that confessor. And I'm curious, like for you, how you go about like kind of defining at what point, you know, at a certain point, if you want to make space for a relationship in your life, like friendships are going to change and it's healthy and natural versus, oh, you're diving into a relationship in a way that's deprioritizing your friends and kind of being disloyal. I just think it's so important for people to maintain their friendships when they're in relationships. Like I really, really am a strong believer in that. I think it actually helps the relationship. And look, we've all been guilty of boyfriend sickness and like there are

levels to it. Everyone gets a little mild case when they have a new boyfriend but like I think it's important because ultimately and I'm not saying this in a negative Nancy way but you don't know what's going to happen and and it's amazing to have a find a partner and be head over heels in love but like your friends I think especially for women too it's it's important to have that community around you because there is going to be a time when your partner's driving you nuts and you need to have a friend moment. Or when you have a kid and you want to call up some friends and ask for advice and connect on that level. I just think it's important to give grace, totally give grace. Your friend has a new boyfriend. She's totally head over heels for him. Okay, let her go do it.

But keep those channels open and again, communicate and be like, Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. Like, let's just do a girl's girl's thing. Like let's hang out on Saturday afternoon. Like, are you free? Like just if a friend is important to you, go the extra two steps, like make sure that those channels of communication are open and just like give people grace. I think, i think most people are trying to do their best yeah especially with like an initiation like i feel like one initiating like friend like let's hang out let's each other like a thoughtful intentional like i want to prioritize and plan you makes up for so many like slow responses or like inadequate ones and like and you're so right about the resentment because

it like it builds so quickly all of a sudden, like, you know, someone has a new boyfriend and they're like gone for three months. And then, and then all of a sudden it's like, you look at your text and you're like, they haven't texted me in three months. And like the green monster comes out and it's like, instead just like, stop, switch it and be like, Hey, I really miss you. Like, you know, there's that thing on Instagram where it's like, if you miss someone, tell them if you love someone, tell them like whatever. It's just like it's that simple. Like instead of being angry or like making it about you, just be like, oh, I really miss you. Like, can we catch up? And it will totally disarm the situation.

Take the air out of the tires, because on some level, if you have boyfriend sickness, you know, and you feel guilty because you're kind of like ignoring your friends a little bit, but you like can't help it because you're so in love with him or whatever. So I'm really about just like going with love, switching up the vibe. Love that. What a great discussion. Tinks, before we get to our callers, can you please let the audience know where they can get your book, all that fun stuff, the title?

know where they can get your book, all that fun stuff. Yes. Know the title. My book, The Shift, is available at theshift-book.com. I can't wait for you all to read it. I'm so excited. Be sure to check it out,

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starts now. Also, don't forget, for all you update lovers out there, we have an update special for you dropping on Vile Files Classic, so everyone gets to hear it. That's dropping this Friday. And if you love your updates, don't forget, we drop two more update specials behind Vile Files Plus. Also, programming note for next week, because it is Memorial Day, we want you to enjoy your Memorial Day. We're going to push the drop of Ask Nick and Freestyle a day. So Ask Nick is going to drop on Tuesday, not Monday. Freestyle

is going to drop on Wednesday, not Tuesday. And then going deeper on Thursday, they're going to remain the same. So don't panic if you don't see Ask Nick drop next week, Monday on Memorial Day. We're just pushing everything a day. So hope that all makes sense. Thanks for listening. Let's get to work. How's it going? Good. My name is Rhonda. I am 25 years old and I'm addicted to my situationship of four years. old and I'm addicted to my situationship of four years. All right. Well, nice to meet you, Rhonda. Let's try to help you out with this. Let's hear a little bit about the situationship. It's four years. Sum up for me why you think, how long have you identified it as a situationship?

The whole time. We've never actually dated because we lived in different cities up until March. We live in the same one now for the first time in the whole four years. I would love to hear from you. What are the top three excuses that you both told yourself? Whether what's he came up with the excuse, but eventually you started believing the excuse, and then you started telling your friends the same excuse. But I'd love to know what those three to four top three excuses were for why you guys couldn't actually be in a relationship. Yeah. Number one, definitely would be long distance. We didn't, quote, we didn't want to be in a long distance relationship.

Sure. Number two, his job, I'm trying to keep it vague, but his job will send him away for long periods of time and you can't talk during that time. Can you give us a little more detail? I mean, we can edit it out, but is anyone going to find out? Oh, okay. Yeah, there's a lot of people in the marriage there. I don know if anyone's gonna figure out who he is okay so he's in the military okay uh what else what else what other reasons because i'm sure there were more than two yeah um i'm older than him so that was kind of one that i made up how How much older? I didn't want to date. Three years, two years. Okay. When we met,

I was 21 and he was 19. So that was a big reason in the beginning. And at what point did you, because I'm assuming you're the hopeful person in this equation, at what point did you decide that you wanted to be in a relationship and have you ever had these types of conversations with them about like shifting from a situation ship to a relationship yeah um i think i kind of knew pretty early on that i wanted it to eventually turn into something um so i mentioned earlier that it was like a cycle.

And what happens every time? Well, we mount Halloween, and it's always around Halloween. We'll, like, reconnect. So from Halloween to, like, New Year's, it's this passionate fling with, like, super fun times. And and we go on trips and we'll meet each other in our cities and go out and it's super fun but then after new year's is when i start thinking okay i want us to go somewhere and i always bring it up and he always somewhere and i always bring it up and he always lashes out and is actually really nasty lashes out like mean like how so yeah he calls me clingy um crazy uh he called me a bitch and a child once

that was the most recent time actually that was on my birthday oh so why why ronda wtf i know so i need to like i need to go into the whole thing it's so much okay so for a long time we didn't talk because of the last time this all happened. He was really rude, said that he would never date me, blah, blah, blah, really awful. So I didn't talk to him and I got into another relationship with someone else that lasted over a year. And I lived with that guy and he ended up being abusive mentally and physically. I'm sorry. Yeah. So I was trying to get out of that situation and I ran into the situation ship and I was kind of telling him what's going on. And he was like super helpful the whole time, gave me a place to say. And it wasn't ever anything physical.

It was just like a just a friendship at that point um when I was able to like safely get out of that situation and move home that was in September and from September to about March I was like looking for jobs. I was staying at home. I was safe and healing and stuff. And the situation ship would call me every now and then check up on me. And we would just talk for a while, you know, like friends. And we got super close during that time. And I said that I found a job in the city that I currently live in now. And that happens to be the city that he also lived in. So it kind of, the tables kind of turned at that point because I wasn't the one pushing for a relationship anymore. It was him. And he was the one saying like, oh, I hope you moved

to the city because we'll date and we can finally like live in the same city as each other and blah blah blah and that that was like his whole big thing that he was he kept bringing up I never brought it up and so I moved in March and he for every day every day for two weeks before that he was texting me all the time like you know saying good morning and sending me heart messages and stuff and um he helps me move in he got some of his friends to help me and my roommate move into our new place and then that night we hooked up and then I didn't hear from him for like a week until he he swiped up on my snapchat story and like commented something. And then I made a joke about him being a ghost. I was like, Oh, look, a ghost or something. And he got really mad and like lashed out

again and called me. He said, I'm not your fucking boyfriend. I'm fucking busy. That's an unrealistic expectation to have me talking to you all the time even though that's what he was doing prior and he was telling me all those things and so I blocked him on everything and then about a month later I ran into him on my birthday and I was trying, you know, to avoid him and ignore him. But he like cornered me at the bar and started talking about everything. But I don't really remember the conversation because it was pretty late in the night. But I do remember him getting mad at whatever I said. And then I texted him the next day.

I unblocked him to ask him what happened. And he said, I'm going to be completely honest with you. You acted like a little kid and a bitch. I don't want to talk to you at all. So then I blocked him again after that. And that's the end of it. How long ago was that? A month ago.

You just said so far. Yeah, because it's a cycle and it, I don't know how to break it. Why do you feel like you don't know how to break it? I mean, like we're, we're all sitting here listening to your story, kind of like jaws dropped, kind of like, we're, we're wondering what you're so confused about you're so clearly you know articulating his behavior what it's really not a question of whether or not he's a good guy or whether or not he's worth all of this trouble because i know he's not okay you know i can't get out of it why do you keep saying you can't can't get out of it. Why do you keep saying you can't get out of it?

Because I do everything right. I'm the one that tries to communicate. What do you mean by you do everything right? I block him. But then you unblock him. I cut him out. But I do unblock him. Do you genuinely feel like after this last incident,

you could ever talk to him again? Like after he called you those names, like on your birthday, did all that stuff like at this point? And be honest with us and yourself. Like, do you really feel like you could ever talk to him again after he called you those things on your birthday? No. Like, don't you just feel like this is kind of the final straw yeah i want it to be no but she does the thing she she doesn't she i don't think you do because you're like laughing you're like yeah and it's like look we've all been there in like a state of i'm sorry i'm gonna call it delusion like we've all been there but you you you have to make the choice like it

ends when you make the choice for it to end and that can be now or that can be in six more cycles but I would just say like think about yourself in the future and think about how you want to be telling the story and do you want to say like yeah and after he said that like I was really done because I know I deserve more or do you want to be like yeah and then we did it for three more years and we still didn't date and I shut myself off from other possibilities and and got called more names and you know did the cycle three more times or whatever yeah i i wanted to end and i am like trying to go out with other people do you really want to because you you said so far like you and you're just like so that's the story so far which in which means like in your

mind that you are fully mentally prepared to re-engage with them in the future somehow you don't know how right because like you said like you've accepted the cycle you know you've accepted this pattern you're like oh this is just part of our thing. Why are you so accepting of this behavior? It's like you know it's, like you said, you know it's wrong. You can articulate to us and you can recognize that, you know, in a bubble that behavior is wrong, but you have clearly accepted it as part of this relationship or situationship that you have with him. Why do you think you're addicted to it? Why do you think, what are you hoping to get from him? Because there must be something,

there is something that subconsciously or ego, whatever it is, there is something that you're holding on to this thing with him because you must want to get something out of it. Maybe it's his validation or his apology. What do you think it is that you are holding on to i i don't know i think like i do still have some hope which i know it is delusional and it is crazy hope for what though for him to change yeah for him to change and why what are the what are like i haven't heard like what are the things you like about him it's when we're together and like hanging out and how he was such a good friend for the whole time that i needed a friend yeah it's just a messy friendship i don't think you can be friends with people that you sleep with and it just really complicates everything

also i just want someone so willing to make you feel bad about yourself yeah he's reactive anytime you challenge him at all he immediately gets mean over the smallest things now imagine how how is he going to handle you know they're things if you're in a relationship with someone it's 100 chance that you're going to do something that you're going to need to apologize for, where you'll be wrong, where they'll have a reason and a justification to be genuinely upset. Like every relationship, we do things to hurt the feelings of the people we love. And he'll have a right to be upset, but how we handle being upset really matters. be upset, but how we handle being upset really matters. He is being ultra reactive and ultra mean and ultra, you know, abusive when he doesn't even have a reason to be mad.

And also just the fact that you've already had to experience like such a negative relationship with your ex and like the fact that your ex was abusive in multiple ways worries me because it means that you, it just worries me that that's like becoming a pattern that you're you know you think oh well this guy isn't as bad as my ex and it's like well he's still being abusive and he's still making you feel terribly about yourself and it's it's a negative pattern which is something that abusers feed off of right is a pattern of like catch and release like you know like be mean be nice be mean be nice and that's not good at all are you are you in any type of therapy yeah yeah you are yeah you like it i've been for like two years good for you that's awesome what i'm assuming

you've talked about this with your therapist yeah Yeah? Yes. What do they have to say? Very similar things that y'all have said, actually. But I'm just trying to... I'm having a hard time to figure out why you see... You're coming across as kind of... You're very casual about this story. Yeah. You're just kind of like, eh, you know, whatevs. Like, I know it's wrong, but why?

Why are you so chill about this? I don't know. I mean, I've gone through it so many times with him. It's just what happens with him. But you let it happen. You're allowing it. Do you realize that, though? Yeah, I totally do.

I'm the one that unblocks him. I'm the one that lets him worm his way back in. I mean, maybe it sounds easier than it actually is, but can't you just decide to stop? Can't you just have a conversation with you that says, I know this guy is no good for me. No matter what he does in between him being shitty, I know how he treats me or people and as i'm sure you've

heard me say the good doesn't make up for the bad especially when the bad is toxic you know and we do this thing where we try to do a pros and cons list of like especially when they're really toxic or shitty or in some cases abusive and we try to convince ourselves well well they did this or we had a fun time here and it's like when they're toxic when the relationship is toxic the the fun doesn't make up for it yeah and the crazy thing is that like i can recognize when other people do it to me and I can easily cut things off with them, whether it's guys or friends or anyone. But I don't know why I can't keep him out. Just the way you talk, I just feel like you keep, I think you just convinced yourself of this. You've created this narrative, you know, and you, even in this conversation, you just keep saying

things like, well, I just can't with him. Why don't you just start telling yourself you can? Why don't you just change the narrative in your head? And when you, and it starts with you and it starts with conversations you have with yourself saying like, I can get over this. I'm strong enough. I know he's bad for me. I'm not going to unblock him. I'm going to promise myself. I'm going to make this commitment to myself. And you just keep having this conversation over and over with yourself.

I'm going to get over this phobia. I'm going to get over this thing. You can channel that energy and work on it. Right now, you've just decided, I can't do it. You know, I can get therapy, I can talk to my friends, I can talk to the people on a podcast, but at the end of the day, I just can't. And you're just, you've, I think what it is

is that you've just accepted it. And you haven't really, you don't mind talking about it. You know, you don't mind sharing it, you know, with your therapist, with your friends, with us. But I think straight deep down, you've just always accepted it as a situation that's kind of keeping you invested in a weird kind of, you know, you've heard me talk about toxic stimulation. It just kind of keeps you engaged and you haven't really reached a point where you're mad enough about this situation or even mad at

yourself for allowing him back in over and over because you're just kind of like yeah i don't know i don't know why i can't get over it and like if it was anyone else was any of my friends that was doing this i would be so mad or my sister so i would be so mad at them for doing it so be mad at yourself why are you so willing to allow this to happen because you sound empowered you sound you were self-aware you know it's wrong you don't need us to you know you're not we're not here saying you understand that's wrong right like you know it's wrong yeah you have the power here you know you keep shaking your head no oh where's the you're right i'm this fucked up. I need to stop doing this energy. Yeah, you're right.

I do have the power. I don't know. Like for me, when I've been in similar situations, like I think sometimes I'll just stop trying and just be like, I'm going to just be self-aware that this is fucked up and I'm still doing it, but like I'm self-aware about it. So it's like only partially bad.

And it's usually because it's like, I've tried a few times to get out of it, failed. I just like well I don't want to feel like an idiot and try and fail again so I'm just going to be like it's a failure we can live with it and it's it's usually for me it's like a vulnerability thing to like get out of that is like having to be like I'm gonna be vulnerable with myself because like it's usually like me trusting myself kind of thing and so like it's scary to be like what if I try again and I like relapse and I go back or I do that like it's usually like me trusting myself kind of thing. And so like it's scary to be like, what if I try again and I like relapse and I go back or I do that? Like it's like it's a scary thing to do. So I think part of it is kind of acknowledging like what a big feat it will be to like re-engage and actually try to get out. But I don't know, something my therapist said that

really resonated was like your brain hears you. Like when you talk and you say, I'm not going to get out, like your brain hears that and it sounds cheesy and it sounds kind of stupid and like, oh, whatever. But truly me just changing my language of making it a decision-based thing about choices and not myself as a person and also making it like I have not yet found whatever was sometimes the first step in starting to get myself ready to be vulnerable and like give it

another shot yeah i mean i definitely agree with that your brain does yeah when we tell ourselves we enforce ideas our brain thinks that's the the feeling that we're trying to replicate and then therefore we kind of subconsciously do like our subconscious brain has a huge impact on our decisions that we're not thinking about but we we our subconscious brain like you know we yeah we create these narratives when you say things like i'm addicted to him or i can't get over is there a part of you that kind of like finds that hot and sexy and romantic the idea that you're addicted to someone so much that like you can't get over him you like it i think we also romanticize you're not the only one i think it's common yeah i think we romanticize patterns like we think like oh my god like we're in this thing like it happened four times in four

years and it's like that's us justifying it to ourselves and finding like a romantic hook but it's like, yeah, you deserve real romance. You don't deserve like toxic addiction. You deserve like genuine romance that's reciprocated in a consistent way. And so it's like start focusing on what you want to call into your life. Like, I totally agree. I think thoughts become things and like focus on what you want to call into your life instead of like what has happened because i also think when due to the length of this situationship like you're also addicted to being like well it's been four years it's been four years it's been four years and it's like

the sunk cost syndrome is like well i've already sunk four years into this like maybe i can just do it one more time and we can like smooth it over and it's like you have to let that the past go and also like to the point of changing the narrative, stop being like, well, we've been in this thing for four years. So what comes next? And start being like, and when he called me a bitch on my birthday, that was the last straw. Like flip it and be like, and that was the end of that.

Like and start saying that even when you're talking about your friends be like, yeah, well, that's over because of what happened. And I'm done with that now. Instead of being like, well, I'm in this thing. Like it goes to it goes to past tense and then your brain is like yeah he's in the past yeah i that's i think that's totally what i do i absolutely romanticize this whole thing and yeah when he called me a bitch on my birthday that was the end that's right yes yeah so what what do i do if i see him downtown turn around leave ignore him run literally text your best friend and be like don't you fucking dare let me like i'm sharing my location with you if it's at his house like

call 9-1-1 you know not really but like truly like like get other people to help like bring because it's really hard and i'm sure you're exhausted from like trying to hold yourself accountable and failing and like that's made you feel weird about yourself and it breaks trust and all this stuff so like bring in backup like have a friend help you out and i promise you once you do it once like i think a little bit of healthy ego here is good. I promise you once you do it once, the power that you will feel, you will feel like, whoa, I can do this. Whoa, I deserve more than this. And everything will start to come into focus.

You just got to do it once. You got to literally turn around, walk out of the bar, go home. It's fine. Just do it once and you'll be stronger. Romanticize standing up for yourself. Instead of romanticize getting back together over and over with this guy. Stop watching The Notebook or Sex and the City.

Big and Carrie should never have been together. Amen. He ended up being creepy anyways. You know what I'm saying? How many times have you seen The Notebook in the past four years and thought about him? That's like all I watch are rom-coms fucking stop stop stop i'm serious it's i'm serious you gotta stop because that's what rom-coms do seriously they rom-coms teach you that love is enough and it doesn't matter how shitty or how toxic or how bad two

people treat one another that eventually if they if they make it work then it's all worth it and that's what like a lot of these rom-coms you know because there's a story to tell but like that's not reality and you are sucked into this kind of rom-commy narrative with this guy and the reason why you're so willing to put up with all this shitty behavior is because there's a part of you that says it won't matter if eventually he comes around and we can be together and happy then he'll be sorry and i'll be sorry and we'll and it will and that's just not fucking reality it's literally a fantasy and you got to stop watching this shit and romanticize how to ever you know what amanda and tinks are saying it's like romanticize how good you're you know, what Amanda and Tinks are saying. It's like romanticize how

good you're going to feel about yourself when you stand up for yourself, because future you will be embarrassed about this behavior that you, about how you're treating yourself and what you're willing to put up with, you know, five, 10 years from now, you're going to look back and go, but future you is also going to love the moment when you decide that enough is enough and you are willing to stand up for yourself and treat yourself with kindness and not let people like him, you know, treat you with such disrespect

and the fact that you romanticize that type of behavior. And like every, it's like right now, every time he treats you shitty, your subconscious is thinking, well, that's just going to make the payoff even better. Because when he comes around like Big or Noah does in the fucking notebook, he will have to say, I'll be able to say, I told you so. And he'll have to apologize even more.

And that will be an even bigger moment at the end of our movie. Yeah. No. You nailed that. All right. Well, do you think you can our movie. Yeah. No. You nailed that. All right. Well, do you think you can do it? Yeah, I think so. I think it's been long enough

and I've stewed on this for so long and I want it to be over. I really do. Well, good. And I think I can do it. You got to keep... Stop saying I think I can do it. I have the power.

I know I can do it. I can do it you gotta keep stop saying i think i can do it i can do it there you go but there those those words i think i can or i'm stuck or he he doesn't have power of you he has no he's not a magician he's not some sort of wizard or casanova he's some basic shitty guy and you're allowing at this point some basic shitty guy to treat you a way that you know you don't deserve. And you are letting rom-coms and romanticization allow you to have this shitty guy treat you far less better than you deserve, if that made any sense. So, when you talk to yourself i deserve better i don't deserve him this i'm you know i'm not going to talk to him i'm done these are these are the conversations you need to start having with yourself over and over and over and over and over

and when you watch the notebook you got to see Noah and Allie as two just shitty toxic people. All right. I'll look at it through that lens. Allie literally cheated on her fiancee to be with Noah. Yeah. Yuck. All right. Well, we want an update.

We're going to check in on you. We're going to make sure you're holding yourself accountable. Okay. I am. Don't block him. Delete his number. Okay. Don't screenshot it before.

Any way you think he has access to go out of your way to change it so if it's an email whatever snapchat block him on snapchat like i'm on instagram on all social media delete his number block his number then delete his number because i think it will still be blocked even after you delete it from your phone book i think so yeah yeah your contact the contact will be gone but contact will be gone, but he won't have an ability. So block them, then delete the contact. And if you run into them, literally just turn around and run away.

Okay? All right. All right, we believe in you. I'm going to do it. All right. You got this. Thank you. All right, good luck.

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Just keep it simple. I'm making you mean? Just keep it simple. I'm making the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say, hey, we're the Brav Bros. Two guys that talk about Bravo. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the Brav Bros. No. Oh.

Dude, stop with the voice. Just keep it simple. I've seen promos on TV, dude. This is how you get the fans engaged. This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get listeners here. If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it already.

We need some oomph. Alright, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice. Bravo, bros. Good job. How's it going? Good. Hi, I'm Marissa. I'm 24, and I'm thinking about going to Tulum with my ex-boyfriend

of four years after a month of not talking. Okay. Why? Pitch us. I always like in these situations, you pitch us is why you think it's a good idea. You're like, I really need a tan, first of all. Yes, exactly. I really want to go to Tulum. At the end of the day, I have paid for the trip. The hotel is refundable, but the flight's not. And we've dated for four years. He was my best friend. We've been through a lot together. We love traveling together. And the breakup was pretty amicable. i'm the one that broke up with him

um but i am nervous about the repercussions and to kind of give you the other side all of my friends that know and love me say i should not go i mean obviously right everyone listening it's just like oh but you know but it all but all jokes aside like I think this is very common, very relatable, very typical when it comes to especially a breakup of like four years. Obviously, it's a long period of time. You're very connected with him. Think about you right now. You're in a position of power, right? Because you ended the relationship as amicable as you think it is, right?

And power can change like that trick very quickly um he right now is open to this you know trip is because even if he thinks it's for the best or he agrees with some of the reasons is why it ended you know nothing else, again, you have more power than him. So if nothing else, his subconscious is going to be wanting to flip the script and leave that trip in a position of power rather than in a position of feeling powerless. So those are the stakes. So those are the stakes. Yes, exactly. And that's my issue is that I broke up with him because we had been doing long distance.

His personal life is kind of like a crap show right now. And he wasn't able to meet my emotional needs. And I feel like I'm so young and there are other people out there. That does not mean that I don't love him, that possibly in the future, once he figures things out, we could possibly reconnect. But I am really worried about flipping the power because right now I feel comfortable with starting Hot Girl Summer and doing what I need to do, but I'm scared I'd go

and then I'm left wanting what he cannot give me. Yeah. How old is he? 24. He might not be the person you want him to be for like 10 years. You know, who knows? Could be a surprise,

but it sounds like maybe you just thought he was overall, maybe just emotionally immature. Yeah. Basically. Yeah. Don't you have a friend? I mean, if you want to go to Tulum, there's plenty of ways you can go to tulum yeah hotels paid for grab a girlfriend go go and start hot girl summer in the right way in tulum tulum is a fun place to go with a girlfriend

honestly i've never been i've always wanted to go. I've been to Mexico so many times. Nick is like, let's all go. We'll go with you. I wish. I really tried to get friends. That was like my first thing. And, you know, I'll be candid with you guys. Like, I think, like, I think it'd be nice to go with him. Like, I have a good, like, friendship with him. The sex is good. Like, everything's good a nice beautiful place good food good music um but again just like does that outweigh like the possible negative impact are you gonna get invested again though yeah yeah because it's very possible i mean i went on a trip with an ex and we pretended like we were together and it was really fun yeah but i was able to be like boinking by and like dropped him at the airport and really didn't care and it was a great trip but if you're gonna have negative ramifications once you get home then yeah is it worth it you know yourself the best like that's the thing if you have a great time that means almost certainly

you're going to leave that trip with all the reasons why you made a mistake in breaking up with them. You're going to go down there, have some great sex, and it'll be romantic, and it'll be nice, and then you'll have a bunch of old couples in Tulum calling how handsome of a couple you two are and shit like that. Or the opposite happens. Where tensions are high, you have a little drunk you get you then you fight the whole time because at the end of the day you know shit gets brought up because you know you guys are both pretending it's an amical breakup which isn't the case you know um and so yeah it's just go by yourself mexico is a single girl by myself you have no friends that can go with you. No friends.

And I will say this, that like he finally admitted to me that like, yeah, I can't be who you want me to be. And I realized like the past year, basically like things have just been bad and toxic because I don't want to admit to you that like, I'm not going to be able to show up as a boyfriend you want, even if I, if he wants to. Um, and once I heard that, it kind of just clicked to me that like, yeah, fuck this, you know, like four years of my life, I'm young. I'm not going to continue

to waste it for someone that's just blatantly admitting that he's not going to be who I want him to be. And that's why I feel like I will be okay going and just getting a fun trip out of it. But that's the thing though, right? So your logic to yourself is I've already spent the money. So why not just go on this fun trip? But like you said, you've already spent the money. Either way, money is spent.

There's nothing you can do about it. You cannot spend that money on something else now. So be it. And yes, beaches, sun, Tulum, there's, you know, you would be able to do that. But as you, you don't even need us to convince you that there are a lot of potential risks and costs associated with this.

So you need to think about it like this. I've already spent the money. Do I want this trip to get even more expensive for me? And by expensive, I mean like emotionally. Do I want to just get this emotional baggage? I'm going to have to talk through with friends and make me sad and make me confused and maybe talk to my therapist and whatever it is. This trip could get more expensive for you. That's a good point. That's what my friends are saying.

It'll set you back. Whatever, however you cut it, it'll just set you back. And I always feel like with breakups, you've got to focus on moving forward and the future. Even if you're justifying it to yourself as like, oh, it's just a cheeky're justifying it to yourself is like oh it's just a cheeky little trip like a getaway like you know in your heart it's gonna set you back and to me I mean like if a guy like acknowledge my feelings and validated me and by that I mean him saying

yeah I can't show up as your boyfriend yeah I validate you that would make me more sympathetic towards him like that would make me more sympathetic towards him like that would confuse me more because i'd be like oh you're saying i'm right wait oh my god you're you're being self-aware exactly exactly and that would like complicate it that would make me have like a lot of sympathy towards him so i feel like that's another area that you have to be careful and because sometimes it's like when people stop and they're like, you're right about me. You're like, whoa, oh my God, you've changed. But he hasn't. He's just like telling you he's agreeing what's wrong with him. Is this your first serious relationship? Yeah, I'm young, 24. Yeah. Okay. So maybe you haven't experienced this, but there's this thing that happens in

your first kind of relationship or love is this whole like we break up and get back together thing becomes a very vicious cycle. And so again, talking about cost, like once you kind of set this precedent that we can break up and get back together so easily, you're running the risk of having this guy being your life for the next two to three years and being in your kind of subconscious brain, this constant available backup plan and you to him, you know, so now you, cause dating is scary. There's bouts of loneliness and frustration. You're going to go on when you get back out there, just a heads up, you're going to go on a bunch of dates, most of which are going to suck and you're going to hate them. And you're like, ugh, you know, but none of that has anything to do with how you should see or value your

relationship. There are two separate things. And we make this mistake of comparing the shitty dating world to like, well, I guess like a relationship with it isn't so bad. Like you have been with him for four years. You have come to this conclusion that he's not meeting your emotional needs. He's not the man that you want to be. You know, you deserve better. You are still young and you're going to get back out there. But you going on this trip is going to kind of set this precedent with the both of you that when things get rough or bored or lonely, you'll always be there to kind of fill that need and you'll never fully let go of each other. And like, you know, my first girlfriend off and on for seven years. I mean, there's so many people with their first love have have a story of like being

in and out of each other's lives for years, not months. And it just it can cost a lot. So you going on this trip and getting used to being broken up with him, but still acting like boyfriend and girlfriend and having sex and taking trips together, it'll numb you to that. It'll'll numb you to that. It'll get you used to that. It'll make it okay in your minds. And again, you're going to run the risk of this guy being in your life for a long time,

always knowing that he's not your guy. That's, yeah. I needed to hear that, honestly. Should we just cancel the trip while you're on the phone with us? Okay, the hotel's refundable. I know the flights flights aren't but couldn't they just issue you like a flight credit there's gotta be ways around this yeah have you even tried i haven't but i did like the cheap jet blue like shit you know that they don't refund so but hotel credit the hotel is refundable hotel is refundable that's the big part and think about how much money you're gonna spend look i've been to loom i'll tell you something i got really really bad food

poisoning in tulum like the worst of my life and i went with a boyfriend and we broke up after so it's you know oops yeah it's expensive you get the flu like like who knows? You know, it's very expensive. You know, you could just cancel it and, you know. Yeah, you could. Try for credit. Try for airline credit. That's a thing. That's another way of looking at it. Instead of being like, oh, it's booked, it's already paid for,

you can actually make money on getting the money back from the hotel. Because you haven't even paid for the hotel yet. You just reserved the hotel. Right? So it'll actually cost you more. And from this point forward, you going on this trip will be more expensive than it is today. You just reserve the hotel, right? So it'll actually cost you more. And from this point forward, you going on this trip will be more expensive than it is today.

So instead of thinking about you're losing money on the flights that you paid for, that money's already spent, it's gone. Like either way, it's gone. But now you can get a nice little payday by not spending money on the hotel room and go buy yourself something nice. The money that you would otherwise spend on the hotel,

go buy yourself a purse or a trip somewhere else or I don't know, whatever it is that makes you happy. A massage, a spa, I don't know. Yeah, the money thing is right. I think probably subconsciously though, like I did just like want that connection for the weekend, you know, and a beautiful place. And so that's like the hard part,

but just everything you said is so right that like, I'll just like be prolonging and like adding to things like emotionally, which will just hurt me in the long run. And I don't know why it's not like worse three days or four days until, you know, save the money. And like one trick I always do is like, if you're, you know, because I always think that with breakups and with guys and you're like, but I want to go on this trip with them or I had this planned is like, think about the next person that you're going to take, like save the money and be like, would I rather go on like an iffy trip with a guy I know is not right for me? Or would I rather wait eight months and go to Tulum with my hot new boyfriend

as like a sexy like honeymoon phase trip. Like think about it that way. And if you think that that's like pie in the sky ridiculous, it's not like you'll find another person who you like. And wouldn't you then rather have that money in the bank to go to Tulum with them? Also, the JetBlue website is currently down in some capacities, which is ironic. But from what I'm seeing from just a little preview on Google, it seems like you can cancel for a $100 fee since it's a flight within

North America. So it's not ideal, but sometimes you get a parking ticket. All this cost you was $100. That's a win. I've also seen that you can maybe get the additional fees slash taxes back, so bonus. Or sometimes I really seen that you can maybe get the additional fees slash taxes back so bonus yeah or sometimes i really feel like you can usually sneak out a travel credit especially when you're

very polite to customer service people and you're like listen i can't go to tulum with my eyes i just broke up with this guy he sucked and like seriously that shit works yeah every customer service people get treated like shit all the time and when you call them up and you say lead with you call them up and be like i need your help that's the first words out of your mouth i need your help here's why and you tell them about the relationship that ended and and if they don't and if honestly if they don't, and if honestly, if they're like, sorry, we can't help you, just get off the phone. Call back. Yeah.

I'm sure it'll take you less than five times to find someone who's willing to help you out. So true. Great action plan. Okay. All right. Okay. Are you going to go on this trip? No, no.

You promise? I promise. All right. If we see Tulum photos on our Instagram, we are going to be questioning you. Allie's going to be stalking on Insta. I will find out. I will find it. Fair.

Let us know once you've talked to the customer service people how it goes and confirm with us once it is all finalized and cancelled. We want an update. I will, guys. Thank you for, I mean, this is something,

a decision I had to make like literally today. So the fact that I got on this so fast, thank you guys. Like I really appreciate it. All right. Well, we appreciate you calling in. We wish you all the best. Congratulations on choosing yourself and ending a relationship that you knew wasn't right.

Very difficult to do. Get back out there when you're ready. congratulations on choosing yourself and ending a relationship that you knew wasn't right very difficult to do get back out there when you're ready there's going to be a lot of lows that doesn't mean he's special that doesn't mean you made a mistake have some fun with it there'll be some highs in between like you're like you've said multiple times in this call you're super young don't forget that and try to have some fun. Yeah. You know, it's a wild world out there. Thank you, guys.

All right. Take care. Bye. How's it going? Good. I'm Sarah. I'm 28. And I was ghosted after the best first date the same week my dog died.

Okay. I'm sorry about your dog thank you why other i mean your dog passing is terrible and i'm so sorry why is that part of this story as it relates to him ghosting did he know about your dog you know or is that just like it was just a really bad week yeah so he actually did know um we kind of to give you a backstory we went on a date um on a saturday and then shortly after my dad my dog passed away that tuesday so he has two dogs himself and i let him know what was going on i was kind of scared too at first because i didn't want to scare him away. But knowing he had two dogs, I felt like it was the best decision and he would understand. And he was super understanding and gave me a lot

of support during it. Kind of just was very empathetic and said if he could help me in any way, he would. And then we did make plans for the following weekend. So he was showing a lot of interest. He was saying he couldn't wait to see me. He wanted to give me a big hug, all these things and wanted to see me that next weekend. But just I didn't hear from him at all. Have you reached out to him? I did reach out to him that weekend, just asking, hey, do you still want to meet up? I did reach out to him that weekend just asking, hey, do you still want to meet up? Just trying to get my weekend plans together and still nothing.

It was just complete ghost. Tell me about the first date. Why was it the best date you have ever had? It felt like we had so many similarities. There was never really any awkward silences that are kind of expected for first dates. They're always kind of uncomfortable. But this one, I just felt like at ease. We talked the whole time, didn't have differing opinions. It just felt really good. And he felt the same way. He kind of told me after the date that he was excited to see me again. And he was thankful for this dating app, just all these things that gave me hope that he felt the same way.

Sure. What did you learn about him on that date that made you really like him? I mean, not a whole lot, I guess. We didn't get into a lot of history. He does have divorced parents like me, so that was something in common we had and kind of related to each other about that. We both were from the same state as well, moved to the state that there's a lot of people, you know, transplants. So kind of related on that. We talked about work that was pretty similar. Loving dogs. We both liked hiking, just a lot of things that we both enjoyed.

And it seemed like we were on the same page with dating and a lot of things, but we didn't really get into like relationship history. So that could be some red flag there. Well, not necessarily, but I guess my point is it's just like, I've heard the,

I've had this amazing first date or amazing first couple dates, and then either they ghosted or it just kind of goes cold really fast. And I think we often mistake what it means to have a great first date. I think first dates are, like you said, they can be awkward and uncomfortable and there are strange environments. And there's just a lot of ways in which first dates, essentially meeting a stranger in public in hopes that you guys carry some sort of conversation through, you know, an entire meal or some drinks. Like, it's just inherently a challenge. And we get anxious going into the dates

we get anxious leaving the dates and so i think we mistakenly evaluate first dates inappropriately so to speak right because what you you just basically described what you claim to be as a great first date which was it just like it was easy. And I just met a guy who was good at having a conversation and I just, I felt less awkward and I didn't feel as anxious and we were able to carry a conversation, but I didn't really learn anything substantive about him that would tell me why I should be excited about him or the possibility of being in a relationship with him. Because like hiking and having divorced parents and liking dogs is nice i'm not trying to like completely discredit that but it's not exactly

moving the needle on yeah you know and so yeah like did you have did you have fun on the date like did he make you laugh like how did he make you feel because i sometimes feel like we're as nick said we're so focused on like did he like me focused on like, did he like me? Did he like me? Did he like me? And you never stop and ask yourself, wait, did I even like him? Like, did he, did he make you feel sparkly? Did he like ask you a lot of questions? Was he like attentive? Like, did you feel like seen or was it just like kind of a good job interview with some cocktails? Was it just like kind of a good job interview with some cocktails? Yeah, I mean, we definitely did laugh like there there was a lot of laughs. And I would say he probably didn't ask me as many questions as I asked him, which I thought was kind of weird. And I typically don't get my hopes up with first dates because, like you said, we shouldn't put too much emphasis on meeting a stranger and thinking they're it. And I try not to do that.

But I guess, yeah, I don't know how to describe it. It was just because he was so interested and kind of acknowledged my feelings. And I feel like he did see me and understand me. I thought there might be something there. And just the continued interest from him with wanting to get together again made me feel like, okay, maybe there is hope. And usually with ghosting situations, I feel like you can kind of tell

when you're about to get ghosted. Either the date doesn't go well or the texts are not there. Sure. And they just don't seem interested really over text, but he wasn't giving me any of those signs. So it just, yeah, came out of the blue, I guess. I just think we have to remember

that some people are just really good first daters. Some people are just naturally charming in person. Some people are good at making uncomfortable situations more comfortable and he could definitely be it. Unless you're both embracing at the end of the night with a hot little make out being like, and even then it's a first date. So who knows? But like when it like, oh, I had a first date that like we just basically like walked all night long and checked out the stars and we had a and we really got into it and we really got deep and reconnected in ways.

Even then, again, it's a risk to get too hopeful. But the way you describe this date is you basically had a pretty nice time with a stranger, and he kind of gave you the checklist of the things you want to look for. Like, oh, he made plans for a second date. He seemed enthusiastic. Again, that's all nice. But you got your hopes up just because you had a pretty nice date and i understand that dating is difficult and we're we're often going on shitty dates or mediocre dates and

so the bar just kind of gets lower and lower so i think when it comes to having a good first couple dates or a first date i think it is important that we just remind like we want to be thankful for that it's like oh finally a nice date great but i don't i don't think it does us any good to immediately start like getting excited and hopeful because again they haven't really what are you exactly getting hopeful for yeah they haven't proved anything yeah it was just with the dog as well i was like yeah who would do that well exactly there you go you know and i think sometimes rather than when we say things like who would do that when we feel wronged by someone again it's just an ego thing but for whatever reason we start

making it about our worth rather than theirs because you're right who would do that and instead of being like who would do that he is not worthy of me he is someone who over promises and under delivers no we our egos me immediately go who would do that well i guess i must be shitty and dumb and i you know and we start judging ourselves and we start like devalu ourselves. And we, well, I don't know. Normal people wouldn't do that, but he did it to me, so I must suck or something. That's like the narratives we tell ourselves. That's what I tend to say to myself in my head. It's a really bad tree.

Yeah, we've all done that. Literally, we all do that. It's very easy to feel bad bad for ourselves it's a really easy thing to do uh but we have to start seeing other people's behavior as a reflection of of themselves and not a reflection of us yeah and asking myself did i even like him or was i just excited about the date yeah again sucks that your dog passed and i'm so sorry truly it must be a terrible thing but yeah don't let that be a reason to make yourselves feel worse about a situation we do we sometimes like love to hurt so good you know we sometimes see it's

yeah feeling sorry for ourselves is like a a thing we all kind of do sometimes yeah it just felt like the worst week i could possibly have bad things kept happening and yeah i'm sorry i didn't know how to handle it but yeah i'm getting through it so what are you going to do if you hear from him because it's entirely possible that you get this random text in a week or two and it's like oh i'm sorry I just got caught up. I was busy. Whatever. Because he probably did have a nice time with you.

This relatively charming, most likely fuck boy who's really good at first dates and has a series of... You met on a dating app? Yes. Yeah. Right? And so this guy's matched with six other women and two other conversations. And what really happened, almost certainly, when people meet on dating apps is that in between the time that you had the first date and the plans for

your second date, he went on another date and had a pretty good time too. And that kind of took priority, but like most likely that will run its course. He will get bored. He'll reach out and make up some sort of excuse as to why that happened, he'll apologize. And your ego is going to say, oh, well, he apologized. Thank God. I can forgive him now. What are you going to do? In the past, I probably would have accepted an apology and met up with them again. But now being 28, going through this multiple times, I feel like I should just not respond. being 28 going through this multiple times i feel like i should just not respond or i feel like i just want to tell him off i have like i don't know i like to call people out when they when they screw me over i just i don't even know what i would say i love you standing up for yourself

just don't let that be a trick to yourself to you know what you're really doing is standing up for yourself so you can still go out with them. Because if you tell yourself, oh, well, I told him off, now we can get that cup of coffee. Yeah. Or if he comes back with like just being super apologetic and understanding exactly where I'm coming from and kind of like wins me back over, that could be a possible scenario if I did tell him off. So so yeah i feel like the best scenario is to just give him a taste of his own medicine not respond yeah standing up for yourself could just be not giving people access to you yeah who don't deserve it yeah that's true even by responding or telling him off you are giving him a shot you're opening that channel again

yeah it's so power there's so much power not responding and it's like he lost his chance yeah you could just respond nope and then block him that would be good or no just say no no thank you and then block him and block him yeah that's powerful i think that's a little more than just not responding maybe but then giving him a message also that's stronger than just ignoring. Yeah. He's an adult guy. He doesn't need you telling him off. He is aware of,

of, of why, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. He knows what he did. Like he doesn't need you to like spank him and be like, that was bad manners. Like he knows,

he knows. And that's why he'll come groveling. But like the people like that, especially fuck boys the late 20s vibe like they almost feed off of being told off because it's like a game it's like can they weasel their way back in it's like a challenge so but it's like who has time for that you're not his mommy and you're not his therapist so don't respond to my vote and then just feel good about yourself yeah yeah late 20s i would have thought men would oh no no no no no you got a ways to go yeah i'm at the point of giving up on dating

no don't don't don't don't don't and and the more and the more boundaries you enforce the easier dating will become like the more you start to have a set of rules or not even rules but just like boundaries for yourself where it's like okay if i'm treated like that automatically it's a no from me then it just gets easier because you don't get caught in the fray of like oh my god but he texted me three weeks later and like what should i do it's like you should view this as a good thing because it's like wow you're getting stronger and you even said in the past you would have accepted a groveling second date or whatever and that's really cool and that means that dating you're getting better at dating you're getting better at knowing yourself and you're

getting better at enforcing boundaries and that makes it easier like it's then you can be done with this guy quicker and on to the next like open up the dating app again go on another date like forget it like this guy yeah like not even think not exactly yeah yeah yeah i struggle with boundaries so yeah well they're difficult to acknowledge uh something to try uh on first or second dates you can either think it to yourself i don't even have a problem with you saying it to your dates but if you have another in the future a good first date first couple dates or whatever and there it is like oh i've had a really good time and the whatever he said i want you to think i want you to say the phrase to yourself or even out loud we'll see yes we'll see we'll see mentality we'll see

and he's like what do you mean we'll see it's just like well i don't we just met you you you make a great first impression and you want to toe that line between like cynicism and like just being realistic because to tink's point guys love a challenge they love to chase they love the you know and so if nothing else when you give that kind of will see energy or even you say it that lets them know that they haven't done enough to like let make you think that you're you're worthy of their they're worthy of your time but right now you're kind of giving the like oh i had a really nice time me too oh my god we had such a good time let's you

know and i'm not saying you have to like say no if he wants to plan another day you can be like okay you know but just some like healthy reluctance even when you're even when you have a good first date you don't have to be like oh this is suck no you'd be like yeah no i had a really nice time you know we'll we'll see how about the second not be too available for them yeah like be willing to challenge them that they have to bring it again the second date that you they haven't won you over yet you know yeah i've had i've had plenty of good first or second dates where people ended up just kind of disappointing me you know yeah so we'll see we'll see if you can you know but think to yourself we'll see on these you know these good or exciting first dates it it's just you're just keeping it

open-ended rather than like you know crowning them uh because that's kind of what he did he wanted he had he's having a good time he mentioned how good of a time he was he thought he was having and then you basically just validated him because he made you think that you had such a good time as opposed to being like we'll see you know yeah i'm having a nice time but i don't really know you yet you know yeah that's that's very true i think i yeah i try to remember that because i mean i've been in narcissistic relationships before where they kind of love bomb you and kind of manipulate your feelings that way. So I thought, I mean, I learned a lot from that, but still I tend to be like dazzled by like very small words that aren't actions, I guess. Yeah. Well, just remember they're strangers.

Yeah. Yeah. Even someone you've been on 10 dates with is still kind of a stranger. I think you practicing that will see energy will serve you well. And they'll call you mysterious because they don't know what else to say.

It's like, oh, you're so mysterious. And then when they say that, don't let them make you feel bad about yourself. Some guys will do that. The good fuck boys will be like why you know they'll make you feel bad for not validating them yeah like you're not being kind you know nice or like uh i don't know how to say it i feel like some guys want you to like reciprocate exactly they want to be validated when they see that see that as their weakness because it is it

is their weakness yeah feel free to call out some of these guys in a playful way the ones worth your time won't be offended or reactive or triggered they will play along with you yeah i'm struggling to get back on the apps dating in my city is terrible so yeah i'm just it's a challenge apps are like an evil means to an end they yeah they're they do not say like they are a way to meet people for sure and everyone's using them so i like reluctantly think that you know people should be open to using them but i if they you you need to be really good at setting boundaries for yourself you need to control how many people you're actively talking to at one time. And you have to be really good at not valuing your self-worth based off of random matches with strangers.

Yeah. Yeah. View it as like a tool, like an Uber. I always say put it in the same group as like Uber Postmates. It's a tool. It's not like Instagram. It's not like Instagram. It's not like TikTok. And that's really difficult for our human brains because we think they gamified it, right?

They want us to spend as much time as possible on the apps. They want us to feel validation from the hits. But I always say like it's like Uber. It's like Postmates. You go on. You talk. You do a little swiping. You put it away.

It's not like an all day, everyday thing. Yeah, that's a good way to think about it too. I like that. All right. Well, good luck. Keep us posted on any, you know, if you go back out there, if you hear from them, you know, or if you have a date where you implemented some of these tips, we'd love to hear back how they worked out and if they've changed your

course of dating at all yeah definitely and i'm going to therapy next week so hopefully that will help amazing are you starting therapy for the first time i've done it on and off along for a long time but this is that you getting back into it after a break yeah yeah good for you thank you yeah thank you and i did listen to your book. So taking tips from that. Oh, there you go. Well,

Tinks is coming out as one coming out another one a week or so. All about dating, all about dating from a place of self-worth. Yes. Yeah, I definitely will. I need all the help. And the,

you know, I'm sure Tinks is book as well, but like just, they're always good to like page through again because these things, as I always say, easy in theory, hard in practice. Like the concepts are always kind of like, of course, duh, like what else, you know? Yeah. But like when you when we're like emotionally triggered or vulnerable or feeling a little lonely or sad, it's very easy to like forget about all that and give into our egos and feel bad for ourselves and give into self pity and self loathing and things like

that. And then we start making decisions to like meet our short term needs and completely throw out what's best for us in the long run. So it's always good to kind of check in with whatever, whether it's a podcast, whether it's a book, whether it's just a conversation with a friend, it's always good to like rehash those, recheck in, remind ourselves because again, it's so hard in practice.

And then just give yourself some grace. But congratulations on therapy. I think that's great. Thank you. Stick with it. Thank you. Sorry about your dog again. Yeah, sorry about your dog. Thank you. Thank you. And just remember, no, block. I will definitely do that. All right all right okay thanks for talking with me

all right take care you too all right bye bye tix always a pleasure talking with you thank you for having me so much fun please remind the audience about your book, where they can find it, all that good stuff. My book, The Shift, is out May 23rd. And you can pre-order it. You can listen to the audio book. It has lots of great dating advice, advice about self-esteem, shenanigans, fun stories. I'm just excited to share it with the world. If you like Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday,

you'll love this book. And if you didn't like Don't Text Your Ex Happy happy birthday you'll still love this book uh be sure to check it out thanks for listening guys we will see you back tomorrow yay bye