The Viall Files - E59 Ask Nick - Oh Baby with Maria Viall

Episode Date: November 11, 2019

Today Nick’s sister Maria Viall, a board certified holistic nutritionist, joins us to answer fan questions! She opens about being a 6’2” woman who was called “big” growing up and shares her wellness tips. Then we talk to a woman who doesn’t like her sloppy boyfriend, someone who wants her partner to join her for Thanksgiving, and a woman who is having a baby in difficult circumstances. Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: HUNT A KILLER: https://www.huntakiller.com/viall for 20% off BOMBAS: https://bombas.com/viall for 20% off  ROTHY’S: https://rothys.com/viall ARTICLE: https://www.article.com/nick for $50 off See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What is up everybody welcome to another episode of the vile files it's a special ask Nick episode my sister Maria is in studio with me helping me answer some questions today. Hello. I thought Maria would be great for a couple reasons. One, I know some of you think I give good advice, which I guess is why you listen. So thanks for that. Maria also does give great advice. Maria is one of the few people in this world who I will turn to for advice on all sorts of different things. We've always been very close and like minds. And so I thought

she would offer a lot of great perspective. Before we get into that, I also thought Maria might be interesting for you listeners out there as I've talked a little bit about Maria in the past about what she does. She's a certified holistic nutritionist and she's also works with me and is part of the natural habits team. And Maria is the person who convinced me to try essential oils in the first place through kind of just her expertise and wellness. And I know so many people talk a lot about dietary habits and things like that. And I thought it would be really interesting for Maria to share some of her expertise with you that she's shared a lot with me, especially as I get older and dealing with certain health things. Maria has been a huge ally for me and a great source of information. So, Maria, welcome. Oh, thank you.

I didn't realize you felt so fondly of me. Yeah. I mean, so let's get in a little bit before we get to questions. How, I know a little bit, quite honestly, I may not even know the full story of how you became a holistic nutritionist. And before maybe even say that, why don't you tell our listeners, what does that mean, first of all? And yeah, and then what is exactly, it is what you do and how did you get into it?

Sure, so I think the nutritionist is kind of a general term that gets tossed around a lot, especially in today's health and wellness world. So I'm board certified through the NANP. So that means I went to school and had to take boards and all that good stuff to learn about, you know, how truly food lifestyle can have an impact on overall wellness, but also specific illnesses, diseases, situations that might require a little bit more specific or individualized approach and protocol. Yeah, I would say that kind of wraps it up without going too heady. Sure. What made you get into it in the first place in terms of when you were younger and

what your diet was like? And how did you become very passionate about that in general? Yeah. So I think as most girls, I can't just say girls, I think people, but I can only speak from being a woman. of a sudden have this like aha moment of oh like weight and size and oh food food impacts that in a way that isn't just like oh you're growing you know and so i think that whenever that is in someone's life like for me that was for sure in like middle school um just having that realization of like oh i'm actually like larger than everyone you know know, because I'm tall. I'm not petite. Yeah. I've talked about this before. Maria is my height. She's 6'2". And so growing up,

Maria was called big. Oh my God, you're so big. And it was all to do with your height and that affected you. Yeah, for sure. And so I think you start to develop or form a body image at some point in your life, both positive and negative cues that you get from your environment. And I think for me, there was always this like, I need to become smaller. And height's not going to happen. I mean, I know at a young age, I was like, I wish there was a surgery where they could cut me off from above my ankles and then reattach my feet because that would make me lose like, like you're not being sarcastic. That was an actual No, it was like an actual like, God, if only the end I get, I'm sure maybe in some places that's possible but like my height is something that's established like there's not there's no going back and so for me that was like oh well if i was at least then like really thin or if i was thinner

and by no means was i ever at a place where i was like overweight or um but i've i felt that if i could you know do something along that line, that would make me feel smaller. And I think that relates to maybe a lot of women of this sense of like ideal versus reality. And food seems to be the jockeying point that a lot of people use in terms of that, making those changes. And so I would say at like a young age, like in middle school and high school, like, you know, you start being like, oh, if I eat less, or if I eat this diet food, or if I eat this fat free food, or maybe I, you know, you know, don't necessarily eat for enjoyment, but I eat for like systematically trying to like, X result. I think that definitely was the story of my life. And then I played collegiate basketball,

which requires a whole different scape and scope of nutrition because you're also eating to perform. So you can't just eat to look a certain way. You have to be able to eat to perform. And usually that's a very different approach than like weight loss so then having that information and then not until i actually played professionally and i went and played in hungary and i played in sweden and i so i was able to experience different cultures and how they ate and and seeing my fellow teammates and be very healthy and being no weight issues and like arguably never touching diet food, never doing any of these weird things that us Western people do to control weight. We, and like thriving and looking great and like not having weight issues.

And I was like, something is off. Like I'm eating like fat free Kraft singles and these people are eating full fat cheese and looking great like what's off and so that really made me become more of like a student of myself just looking at traditional cultures and diet and really where food and nutrition takes place um so did a lot of that on my own and And then I felt I wanted to know more from like actual scientific and like metabolic and I wanted to study it. I wanted to learn how I could actually help impact other people. So that's when I went back to school in Vancouver to, you know, get my diploma in that and then proceeded on to take my boards. And here I am. So now that you are doing this, what are some of the

just general things that you have learned? Who are the people you work with? And then, you know, how, you know, some of the things you spoke of, you know, these fashioning things and me talking to you a lot about it there, we have been trained a certain way. And then what we've been taught and what is maybe the healthiest for us aren't always in alignment. And what are some of the, like maybe three most surprising things about diet from a Western culture

that you've learned is maybe somewhat contradictory to what we should be doing? Yeah, so I've been doing this for almost a decade, which is kind of scary in terms of just like age and um so what i what i say who i work with are kind of across the board so i work with some people who literally have like some diagnosed chronic illnesses and so so those are maybe more extreme cases but then i deal with a lot of people who have like they've just have had digestive issues for years and just kind of like put up with it or don't really know what to do. Or they have maybe some skin issues or hormone issues, or maybe it's a weight thing. Lots of times it's not, it might be maybe a secondary or

maybe like a side, like, oh, that'd be an extra win, but I really just want to feel better. Like I just don't feel that great. Maybe they're noticing their energy is declining or they're just not living life as vibrantly as they did or maybe they just like never have and so i get a lot of these people that are just want to live life and feel better and some of it's very specific in terms of their symptoms and sometimes it's just kind of more general um and so they'll come to me and so lots of times we'll sit down and we'll talk a lot about like their health history. You know, we go way back to when they're kids, like, were you sick a lot? Did you have tubes in your ears? Did you have digestive issues?

You know, were you constipated a lot? Did your mom ever talk about you being colicky? You know, because what we know is that a lot of what happens in those first few years of life definitely kind of sets the platform for your immune system and your health the rest of your life. And so those can be some really interesting cues in terms of what we're looking at. But have just a conversation. I ask a lot of people like talk me through a day. Like what does a day look like for you? Like when do you wake up? What do you eat? Like what do you have when you eat? Do you have coffee? What do you put

in it? When do you have it? Like what do you have for you eat? Do you have coffee? What do you put in it? When do you have it? Like, what do you have for lunch? You know, and kind of get an idea of what their day-to-day looks like. Because what I think is really great is there's this big, huge health and wellness push in the world, which is wonderful because it's kind of like, hey, everybody, like, turns out a lot of the food we eat is kind of crappy. And it turns out that, like, you know, some of the things that we've done diet wise are actually not that great for us. And I think that's great. But I think at the same time, we've kind of like, taken it to an

extreme now where we see a lot more of these like dogmatic views on eating, where like, you have to eat this way, or you have to eat that way, or you have to be plant based, or you have to be keto, or you have to be this. And it kind of puts people in a position that if you don't eat that way or you have to be plant-based or you have to be keto or you have to be this and it kind of puts people in a position that if you don't eat this way you're not healthy um there's also the mindset of weight equals health so if i'm thin i'm healthy and i work with a lot of people who have no weight issues whatsoever and they're not healthy like you know i've told you sometimes i'm like you're like a really unhealthy like 75 year old but you look fantastic yes yeah you know, I've told you sometimes I'm like, you're like a really unhealthy, like 75 year old, but you look fantastic. Yes. Yeah.

You know, so I think like those are some of the talking about me, which is I'm talking about Nick, not a client. Yeah. So I think sometimes there's those mindsets of this equals health and we get really confused and we get lost in the details of what health is and what we can actually do to be healthy that doesn't require any sort of like i i'll say it again like dogmatic or ideal diet what are some of the like i mean like so is it safe to say like with the word diet or the all these diets you even mentioned like you're not not a huge believer. There's things about your diet.

There are some things that you appreciate, but the actual diet itself, and diets always seem to be focused on weight, not necessarily health. Sure, yes. So that being said, there are some specific diets that are used therapeutically for certain conditions.

So like the keto diet has been shown to be used therapeutically for certain conditions you know so like the keto diet has been shown to be used therapeutically for certain metabolic issues um is it long term typically not but like we see this fad now where it's like people are putting like butter on everything and and there there's no maybe responsibility of like how long are you doing this there's not a lot of knowledge on it and so some of these more extreme diets we need to be mindful of how long we do those. Also, is it, correct me if I'm wrong, everyone's different in terms of like the blood type and who they are. Some people might respond better to a keto diet or a plants-based diet versus other people. Absolutely. Everyone like

he's pushing their diet for them and it might not be right for someone else. Yeah. You know, I just had a consult with somebody the other day and she's, you know, I just had I just had a consult with somebody the other day. And she's, you know, was suggested to be doing this by actually her medical practitioner to do a specific diet. And she just is not responding to it well. And she's just like, what am I doing wrong? And like, trying to nitpick all these little things. And I just had to sit her down and say, I just don't think this is right for you. Like, I think that the idea was great, but your body's not responding to it. So we have to take a look at what's going on. And I tell people you always have to kind of like clear the muddy water. Like everybody tries to like kind of get into the gravel.

It's like let's take out the big rocks and boulders that might be causing issues first. And let's look at like what works for you. Because, yeah, the idea of what this diet should do for you is great. But there's a reason there's like 1500 diet books out there because for someone it worked really well. But that's not everybody. So like, let's look at what your issues are. Let's look at your health history. Let's look at what works for you. Let's look at your lifestyle. And let's figure out a way that we can see improvements in your health and your symptoms

and what your ailments are by addressing those things in a way that allows you to live, enjoy, and be a social creature and not eating rabbit food in the corner at family gatherings. Yeah, I always found it interesting when you first got into it, I remember this kind of analogy you gave me

and it made sense, and I certainly have tried more and more to be better i'm not great but you know like you know a lot of women listen to this podcast but like i'm not a car guy either but think about like cars as engines and like people are just obsessed with their cars and they want certain oils and things that go in and that our bodies are engines and yet and then the fuel that in the food that we eat is the fuel and we wonder why we feel bad and each car is different with the type of gasoline or oil that should go in and and that's literally if you mess it up it's like done it's the end of the world and you can literally like shut down an engine by putting like if you put corn oil in a ferrari it would

not only not work it would like break it well and the difference is is you could buy a new ferrari you cannot buy a new body you can't trade in your body we do that with the food that we eat so often and how we feel and and again everything um it can and vary uh i know obviously you work very specifically a lot of different people what are some general like quick tips and takeaways for the people listening that would be like some common misconceptions of what people could do to just have general healthy lifestyle so i would say one of the big ones this might like blow people's socks off is like you shouldn't be eating all day

long like the grazing diet is not beneficial for anyone other than maybe like a growing child or an extreme athlete. And I know I work with a lot of people who have this mindset of like six mini meals or like never let your metabolism slow down. But that couldn't be further from the truth in terms of, you know, nothing wants to be working all the time. That includes your metabolism in your stomach, because when your body's not digesting food, it's able to like take care of other stuff. Right. So that is probably one of the big things. And so depending on the person and kind of what their day-to-day looks like, we might work on that in different ways. There's some people who is like, okay, well, I'm eating six times a day. Maybe we go down to four or maybe we try to get to like three meals a day and try to have these like

spaces in between eating, not just for metabolic and digestive purposes, but also just for you to have more connection to your food. If you're eating all day long, it's really easy to not like consciously be connected to when you're eating. And I think that that can be a big thing for people who might be struggling with weight weight or just people who have like obsessive relationships with food like they're constantly thinking about what they're going to eat next it kind of helps quiet that that would be honestly a huge tip um the second one would be um i'm really big about like your day starts the night before so i know a lot of people are like oh how you start the day is like how the day goes it's like no it's really how starts the night before. So I know a lot of people are like, oh, how you start the day is like how the day goes.

It's like, no, it's really how you, the night before. So along the whole thing of not eating all the time, not eating late at night, one, it's really hard to get a good night's sleep if you have a full stomach. Your body's gonna work on digesting food before it works on everything else it should be doing while you're sleeping, like detoxing and rebalancing and all the things and wonderful things it does during your sleep.

It also slows down your digestion because our digestion slows down with the day. And so if you eat a lot late at night, it's a really great way to keep weight on or gain weight. So some people can see their weight naturally balance out if they stop eating three hours before bed. Three hours? Yeah, a minimum of three hours, I would say, which is probably one of the hardest habits for people to break if they're late night eaters. And then the third, honestly, has nothing to do with food, but I would say you really need to honor and prioritize your sleep.

You can't out-supplement, you can't out-diet sleep, you can't make it back if you lose it, you can't make up for it on the weekends if you don't do it during the week and vice versa. But sleep is like when everything happens in your body that's good, like everything. Your body heals, it detoxifies, it rebalances. You know, I can say this as being a new mother. When you don't get sleep, it's something I read that they use it as torture in certain

places, like keeping people from sleeping because it can make you mad as far as a mental aspect. But as far as like, I'll get people where they have these beautiful clean diets and they're doing everything right. But like they're going to bed at midnight and they're looking at their phones right before bed or they're watching TV before they go to bed. And then, you know, they're waking up and they're snoozing like three or four times, which is also a terrible habit.

I do that. As snoozing, whoever I want to find out who created the snooze button because it is the worst thing. Why? Because when you wake up, when you wake your body up, whether naturally or by an alarm, you're sending a signal to your body that you're waking up. So your body should be starting to create some cortisol. Cortisol is a beautiful hormone. Yes, we overuse it with stress, but it helps wake you up. And then if you're like, no,

I don't want to wake up right now. I'm going to snooze. Your body's like, wait, all right, cool. So we're not making cortisol. We're going back to sleep. And then your alarm goes off, I don't know, seven minutes, 15 minutes later. And you're like, nope, we're awake again. And then you're like, nope, we're not. And then you go back to sleep. And so most people will find that when they actually have to wake up on that like third or fourth snooze, they're more tired than when they first woke up. Because you put your body through this kind of like cat and mouse game for 15 20 minutes where i tell people like pick your what is your deadline

what what time do you have to wake up that's when you set your alarm and just wake up and you will find that you actually once you get get up out of bed you have way better energy you don't like drag it's like man it's like dragging on a relationship you know you're going to end. Just tear the bandaid off. Get up. Because then you're sending a signal to your body, I'm awake. And all these beautiful things then unfold and your body sets the stage for a much more energetic, metabolically balanced day. So really capitalizing sleep is huge, nothing to do with food. I mean, food kind of filters in there as what you do for your sleep. But if you're well rested, I mean, I tell people, look at what you do when you're a kid,

your parents didn't compromise your sleep schedule. Your parents like made sure that you like had like substantial meals that you probably sat down and ate. We are just large children. We need the same structure. We're in control of the structure. And so we tend to- No one's telling us no. No, yeah, no one's telling us no. And so, versus picking our poisons,

we just like, we're like Macaulay Culkin, right? We're like eating the marshmallows with the s'mores watching a movie we shouldn't. Because nobody's telling you no. So you kind of have to be the adult in the relationship. This is all great information. And before we get into some of the questions, as people I guess know by now who listen to this podcast,

you obviously are part of Natural Habits, our essential oil company. You are the one who got me into it for the same kind of mindset about what essential oils can do for you. And as Maria said, we're big believers with Natural Habits, obviously. It is not the cure-all, it's not the end-all be-all, but it's a great kind of alternative to some of the things that you're doing to freshen your indoor air. And they do have therapeutic and medicinal benefits. I know I've talked a lot about it, but what are some of the things that you love about what essential oils can do for you and why in the first place you suggested them to me? Well, one, I like the fact that it can in a lot of places be a great

alternative or even just a great option for people who aren't doing anything for things like anxiety or low energy or headaches. Again, I also think it's important that it's simple, right? It's not too complicated in terms of there are some specific things that can really help you feel more energetic or get rid of a headache. or get rid of a headache. You know, what I think is, what I think is lovely about a good quality, you know, I really care about quality in terms of a lot of things, food, but even essential oils, you know, you're putting them on your skin or you're breathing them in. So quality is key with natural habits and essential oils in general is, you know, they allow you to have kind of a go-to option

that doesn't have the side effects that maybe some other options may have, you know, whether, you know, it's medication and not saying that that's not necessary in times that it is. But for some people, if they have a headache, instead of popping a Tylenol or an ibuprofen, you know, smelling things like peppermint or citrus or something along those lines that can really kind of help alleviate that without any of the added side effects that can come with some of the more go-tos that people are more accustomed to. So, you know, for someone like you where, you know, there is some like anxiousness and there is some feeling of, you know, like, oh, I get these headaches or I have anxiety. It's like, well, what do we do?

What's a long-term solution for this? Like, yes, let's work on mindfulness. Let's, you know, work on your sleep and your hydration with your headaches. But like, what can you do in the thick of things that is more long-term without having any of the long-term consequences? And if it works. And I think that that's really the response the place to come from is, I think it's a safe option for people to try before maybe looking towards other things

that maybe they would rather not try. And have more adverse side effects. Yeah, and again, not saying that that isn't the route, but it gives you the option and um and they smell good yeah and then and if it's like we always say if it's something as simple as the safest alternative to scenting your indoor air as opposed to synthetic air fresheners for breeze and as well candles are nice and i have some candles in my place i do not rely on them on a regular basis to make my place smell good it's more of a mood setting thing. Right.

And if nothing else, they are aesthetically great and smell very nice. Absolutely. And they're incredibly safe. I know we started doing on our Natural Habits Instagram, Maria, we're doing on Instagram TV a lot of wellness tips, not only with essential oils, but as Maria has talked a little bit

about other tips and tricks in terms of diet and wellness. So check us out at Natural Habits. Also, Maria, where can people find you on your website if you have a specific need or you suffer from any type of autoimmune diseases? I know you've even worked with women struggling to get pregnant at times. Yeah, I mean, those are...

Just certain diet things. Where can people find you on your website? Maria Vial. So same, last name. M-A-R-I-A-V-I-A-L-L dot com is my website. And, you know, those are a lot more like specific situations that I've worked with. But, you know, just people who have and I don't know if you guys talk about this on this, but like, I mean, people who like don't poop every day. I know it sounds really weird, but like if you're not pooping, things aren't working. So, I mean, just as simple as

like acid reflux, constipation, digestion, just not having energy, like feeling bloated after eating. I mean, those are little things that we put up with as not being like a, they're not a condition, but it is something that doesn't make you feel good. And it really does impact your quality of life. And so if we can improve those, all of a sudden, guess what? We're feeling a lot better. And then the idea is that getting in front of those things before they do become a condition can be a lot easier approach sometimes. So it doesn't have to be like anything serious to benefit.

Yeah, this is all great stuff we're gonna do a sale this is our last sale before uh the holidays uh so code maria just because maria's here for 30 off all natural habits products nh oils.com check us out uh nh oils.com code maria 30 off um are you ready to do these questions i'm ready they're fun we've done them there's some interesting ones some uh from uh some uh you know sad but hopeful you know well isn't that where advice always needs to be i guess you know it needs to come from i do appreciate you guys calling in as always ask nick at castmedia.com we always need your questions can't have the show without you uh so let's get to it how's it going it's going great what is your name you're taking my call oh thanks for calling in what's your name my My name's Kimberly. Kimberly. And how old are you, Kimberly?

I'm 32. Great. I'm Nick, as you may well know. This is my sister Maria, actually. Hi, Kimberly. You may or may not know this. You probably don't. Also very good at giving advice. So I thought Maria would join us today. So how can we help, Kimberly? join us today. So how can we help Kimberly? So I've been single for about three years and, um, haven't really had a connection really with anybody, um, but it's kind of dating casually. And this past summer, um, I met a guy, um, had an instant connection with, um, he, how he just had great chemistry and very attracted to him. But as I've gotten to know him and spending a lot of time together, I've noticed some of his, like, grooming habits are a little off.

And he's just a little rough looking for me. So ever since I've started to notice that more and more, I don't know if I'm really picking the relationship to pieces, trying to sabotage it, or if there really are like potential red flags. So you met this guy. He's great. Everything's wonderful. But he's like a slightly sloppy. sloppy yeah he's just well he's a smoker which was kind of a deal breaker for me um or at least i thought it was so that kind of grosses me out he just doesn't pay a lot of attention to his appearance he doesn't really dress well um like his shoes are always dirty and it's just like i don't know it's just her there's a lot of things about that that really just turn me off, but everything else in the relationship is great. All right, so Kimberly, you have this guy in your life.

You've been single for a while. He seems great. Tell me about the, what do you like about him? Let's start there. Well, we just had an instant connection. Like I said, just really good chemistry. He's very nice. He's really good at communicating um yeah there's there's just a lot of things i like about him mostly it's just the chemistry it's really on point like the can i interject like the, aside from like the physical stuff, like conversation, like you enjoy that element,

like emotional chemistry? Yes. Yeah. We enjoy a lot of the same things. We have a very similar kind of upbringing and we just connect on an emotional level, even more than physical. Okay. And so he smokes, even more than physical. Okay. And so he smokes, which is not awesome for you.

No. Okay. I get it, right? So you don't like it? He's a little messy? And so you're deciding whether your amazing chemistry or his messiness is enough for you to, you're debating on this relationship. I feel like there's more to this story or this relationship as well. Like, have you communicated with him about how you feel? How long have you guys dated for?

Well, we've not had a conversation about being exclusive. So we've just been spending a lot of time together. It's getting semi-serious and he's brought up wanting to be exclusive. And I've kind of said, I just like to take things slow, keep things where they are, keep things casual. What does he say to that? Because I'm not really in a point in my life where I'm really looking for a relationship, but it is nice to have that companionship with someone that you get along with so well. Sure. And what does he say when you say that? Very understanding. We'll take things at whatever pace you need to. And when I started kind of noticing these things about him that would turn me off, I would start getting in my head a little bit and then just saying, well, I don't like this about him and I don't like that.

And I just don't know if it's like actual red flags, such as maybe he drinks excessively and the smoking and just picking him to pieces or if I'm really like not as into him as I think I am. Kimberly, can I ask a question? Past relationships, did you have an experience where like you felt like you missed red flags of certain things that like came back around to like then be the reason that you're like, I should have known I knew that from the get go? Yeah, definitely. Okay. Yeah. Like what? Well, again, excessive drinking, just not being, you know, opening up and communicating. My very last relationship of four years, I was totally in love, just head over heels. And

he turned out to be gay. Okay. And it was very, um, I didn't really get, um, any closure with that relationship. So I've been really kind of damaged from that. And what do you mean by damaged? Like how, on what, How do you feel damaged? I guess I felt like, I don't know, like what, what did, what did I miss kind of thing?

So maybe he wasn't honest with you. Maybe you just didn't miss anything, you know? Yeah. So a couple of questions, I just, a couple of things that come to mind. So like, I think regardless before you even get into like the cleanliness, hygiene, you

know, kind of that type of stuff, like kind of looking for things, like I would say like put all things on the table, call a spade a spade. Certain things like smoking, I know for certain people, it's like, it's a yes or no. And I think sometimes you can kind of, if you don't express that, they don't know that's an issue. Have you shared with him that you're like, not a super fan of smoking? Yes, because I actually used to smoke and I quit. Yeah.

Okay. And so you kind of talk about that. Yeah. So if all things aside, if like, let's say all of a sudden tomorrow, he's like clean shaven, the things look good. Like he just, I don't know how to come to Jesus moment, but was still smoking.

Would you still feel like cool proceeding? Like you'd feel, are you looking for like a couple of different things to like kind of throw on your baggage of like, this is why i'm not a hundred percent into you yeah i mean i don't if he didn't quit smoking i don't think that i would completely write him off but in combination with all the other things that bother me it just kind of stacks up all the other things being he doesn't dress the way you prefer and he's more of a uh you know a little rougher rougher around the edges so to speak well that's it exactly that's it so you we have amazing chemistry on one hand and we have smoking which listen i'm not into that but so i i get that and like he

wears flannels instead of like stripes my husband wears flannel i said why i'm just but my curiosity though is like the drinking thing is that something that like you feel there's like it's more elusive like you know if someone spokes or doesn't like it's hard to hide but you mentioned the drinking thing and then you said well i'm i don't have does he do you know he drinks excessively or yeah that's are you're like he smokes and he has a few beers and so like you're wondering could he be drinking excessively like could he be gay kind of thing you know because you've yeah i feel like yeah i was just gonna say like is that like something you're looking for or you know that he maybe drinks more than you prefer and you're deciding whether or not

you're okay with it? Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, I do know that he drinks more than I would prefer. I mean, I like to drink casually and go out and have a good time. So does he. But he just moved to where I'm from, like, I guess back in the spring he had been here a week, and he got a DUI. Okay. So now it's like he doesn't have his license. And all of these things that kind of stack up on top of everything else, and I'm going, I'm at a different point in my life. So I feel like I've taken like a thousand steps back by even being involved. How old is he?

I'm sorry? How old is he? How old is he? Yeah. He's 32. Okay. Listen, I think you said something earlier that I don't even want to be in a relationship. Now, I don't know. I mean, you've said a lot of things. Some people say that and they mean it. Some people say that they don't mean it. You know, it's just kind of a defense. I don't really want to be in a relationship anyways, but you really want to

be in a relationship. I honestly don't know which one it is for you. Like, do you want to be in a relationship? Like, it's okay to want to be in a relationship. It's also okay to want to be in a relationship and be comfortable with being single until you are in a relationship. So which one is it, do you think? The latter. You want to be in a relationship. I'm comfortable with being single until I find the person that I actually want to be in a relationship. Okay, great.

So could you look at this guy in a sense of like, all right, we connect emotionally. We have a lot in common. We kind of vibe. I know this is not my forever person. I know this isn't a guy I even want to be maybe in a relationship with. And like either decide you guys are like really good friends, maybe with potential benefits,

and know that that's not going to evolve or escalate to something more. I mean, I guess I would be more concerned about all these red flags if you were like, this is, I think, the one. I guess question, in the past three years that you've been single, how active have you been in terms of dating and getting out there and meeting people? Have you met a lot of people with disappointment, and this is the first guy you've really connected with?

Or is this the first guy you've connected with because he's also kind of the first guy you've met? No, I've dated, but no second date. Okay. So, I mean, listen, I'm sure he's nice. I don't doubt that you have a connection with him. I'm sure there's things about him you sincerely like. But you're probably amplified by your connection because it's the first connection you've felt with anyone since your last breakup,

which to your own admittance, you haven't really gotten over. And there's things you're dealing with there. I think in those situations where you feel like you don't have the closure that you need, you can still get it. But clearly there were some trust issues that you've had in the past relationship. And obviously, being in love with someone realizing they're gay is probably, I mean, it's got to be traumatic for you. And there's probably some trust issues there. and try to figure out, you know, kind of, you don't want to ruminate over the relationship, but I'm sure if you, I'm guessing if you look back on that relationship, there were signs that, you know, in the moment you didn't think about, but they were maybe things that you were like, you know what, I should have trusted my gut or this makes more sense now. And then that

doesn't do you much for your past relationship and current relationships. Thinking about like trusting your gut and being better at trusting your gut versus creating things to be paranoid about, that should help you do that, you know? So like, I think usually you would know is, you know, the DUI, it doesn't mean every guy, person who gets a DUI has a drinking problem, but he certainly, that's a decision-making flaw of his, but then also like certainly it could, it makes you want to ask more questions. I don't think that, you know, it wouldn't be paranoid of you, right? To wonder if he has a drinking problem or if he drinks in excess because I mean, he had a DUI.

So it begs the question of how much is, you know, you can kind of vet that out, so to speak. So I think it comes down to really figuring out what you really want, prioritizing what you really want, and then being honest with yourself about what you want and going from there. Yeah. So that being said, I think I have a friend who she would always say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. And I don't necessarily agree with that. I don't, I don't, I can't deal that way. But I think what can happen sometimes is if we're like looking for camaraderie and companionship, I think we can sometimes, like Nick kind of said, I think like coming from a female perspective, I was single for a lot of years before I met my husband and I would meet people and I kind of had that moment where I'm like, oh, you know, like, is this like there's some good stuff and there's this, there's some bad stuff.

And you kind of start to like make the positive negative list. But in your gut, you're like, this is not what I want, you know, and that doesn't make them a bad person. That doesn't make your connection not authentic. And and I think if you make that decision of, you know, this is a good person, we bond on a lot of categories. That doesn't mean that they're not in your life. But I think you could kind of maybe like rest your mind a bit to know that this isn't a permanent decision for you. One, if you know this isn't somebody you want to get into a relationship with. But I also would say,

and this is just coming from my, don't sell yourself short either. Like if you know that this guy, like there's some red flags that kind of really trigger some stuff for you, you either share that with him and let him know like, hey, look, this is what's going on. And then it's out on the table

because you made a comment before that like one of your last relationships, there wasn't a lot of open communication. And if you're feeling that those issues are kind of hindering something, you need to share that. But you do know. I really truly think you do know. You're like, this guy is either it's worth my time and my emotions, even though you don't want a relationship. We still, you know, give and take emotions with people or it's worth my time and my emotions even though you don't want a relationship we still you know give and take motions with people or it's not i mean once you kind of make that decision you can kind of take all the to-do list all the like positive negative lifts off of the

off of the table and you can just move from a place of like this is my decision and like i'm not you no longer have to like read into everything yeah i think that's great i mean and i also think too is uh kind of to maria's point you know trust your gut but have some conviction and i think sometimes you know it'd be common for someone in your position to you finally meet someone you have a connection with and you're afraid of pushing someone away because like you have been alone for a while and like while you dated you hadn't been on any second dates this feeling of having someone around is probably nice and enjoyable and you like some of the things that you're getting with having this person around even though you're probably deep down he's not your person and you

haven't committed the relationship even though you want to be in a relationship and there's reasons why to maria's point is why you haven't tried to move this forward but don't for his sake like listen if you don't want to be with him you need to be able point, is why you haven't tried to move this forward. But don't, for his sake, like, listen, if you don't want to be with him, you need to be able to cut it short. You don't have to necessarily poke holes in him and make him feel like he's not doing something right for you because he just might not be right for you. Right. So don't spend three to six months trying to fix him, knowing deep down he's not fixable for you. Yeah. And then make, you know what I'm saying? People will do that, right?

You're going to like, well, you should do this and you should do that and dress like this and don't do this and don't smoke. And deep down, you just don't really want to be with him. But you kind of like having someone around. And I feel like kind of to Maria's point, I feel like it's more or less that, unless we're missing something, you know, unless,

but like, it's great you have a connection with him. But like, you know, I'm not hearing anything from you that says why that connection is so special to you. Why it's irreplaceable. He's a nice guy. You enjoy having around who makes you feel good from time to time. Sex is pretty good. You haven't had any of that in a while. And that's nice to have company and companionship is just nice to have. Absolutely. Yeah. So like, don't, there's no error in that, but kind of into Nick's point is, regardless of what way this relationship goes, the more you're trying to like,

oh, I need to make a decision, like is this right or is this wrong? And if he fixes this, that's kind of why I asked in the beginning, like if everything else changed, would you be like, yeah, for sure. This is the guy. Like if he was clean cut and he wasn't sloppy and blah, blah, blah, would you be like, yeah, okay, I could move forward with this. Or is there something that you're looking for

and you trying to like poke holes? It's just going to, and honestly, it's going to make you miserable the entire time you're with him. I don't think this early on, you should want to be nitpicking about little stuff like that. And I gut tells me if you were really in love with this person, there was a really, truly special connection. Like what he wore for the most part wouldn't be a big issue for you. I think there's some more. And I think the more is it just, there's something missing. You can't put a finger on it. And now you're trying to put a finger on it. And you're kind of nitpicking in that sense. I think probably just, you know, let it go. And it's not necessarily fair to him to keep him around and trying to make him think that he has a shot to be the person that you want him to be. And it's going to make him feel kind of inadequate

because there's just something missing there, you know, and you have to recognize that some of the excitement is just based off of having someone around, you know? And you have to recognize that some of the excitement is just based off of having someone around, you know, because you haven't had someone around in a while. That's nice to- Which is totally okay. Totally normal. Totally.

But I think you can maybe like rest easy that you don't need to figure out, like I don't think you need to like rack your brain on whether or not this is the guy because you kind of already decided this isn't the guy right so like you just need to decide to what degree do you want to continue with him since you already know like this isn't the one so like is it worth your time and energy to like have those emotional exchanges knowing that at some point there will probably be an end point? Or are you in a place where you're just kind of like, you know what, his companionship is fun.

I like having him around. Is this a conversation I can just say, hey, is it cool if, you know? I mean, I get what you're saying. I don't think so in your case. I think he likes you and he wants to date you. No, I'm not saying it's going to be easy. That might be the end of it. I think if you really want to meet someone, you need to shut this down because it will be a distraction he wants to date you. No, I'm not saying it's going to be easy. That might be the end of it. I think if you really want to meet someone,

you need to shut this down because it will be a distraction for the both of you. And then it's going to have blurred lines of am I dating or not dating? And there'll be one of those things where like, we're not together and you won't define the relationship, but you will act like boyfriend and girlfriend. And then you'll have to break up with someone

you're not in a relationship with. I always love the saying like, don't have somebody occupy a spot that you're kind of hoping someone else will fill. Right. So like if he's occupying the spot that you're like hoping someone else is going to fill for a relationship, that's going to be really tough for you.

One to have like your eyes even open to like possible people coming your way. And also like if somebody comes your way, then it's all of a sudden like, like, oh crap, I And also like if somebody comes your way, then it's all of a sudden like, oh crap, I have to like kind of take care of, I kind of have to like evict the last tenant. And that gets kind of sticky. You're the landlord of your heart and it's much easier to have someone move in

because they might be like, hey, I need to move in now. And you're like, great. Like pick a person out, have to get a victim. Yeah. It's a whole thing. It's great to have income, but it's not always easy to get rid of.

Well, hopefully, Kimberly, that was helpful. I feel like you know what you should do. You just need a kick in the pants from us, but you're going to be fine. Yeah, you're like super cute. Yeah. You're only, what are you, 32? You're super young, but don't, yes. This is your first kind of person you connect with in a long time and that's

my gut tells me that's what's keeping you attached to it more than anything else but trust your gut sometimes it's not the little things that you're it's a bigger picture yeah and trust your gut and just know that like he came into your life for a reason right so like take this a learning thing so like you can instead of being like oh i keep picking these guys that like keep you know surprising me or like red flagging it's like well no like take a look at it and be like what did he bring that was really great and we know and now you know that those are qualities that you want to look for in a mate and like what things are you kind of like you know what these are kind of my non-negotiables and just learn from it versus like feeling like it's yet another kind of like oh it didn't work out and and like i said don't don't make him feel like he's not good enough for you you know like don't nitpick at him like don't

make him change for something that it's you know highlight the good and just but it's just not you're not in the same place and and this maybe sounds like it might might be easy for you to do because it sounds like he wants to move forward and you don't you don't want to move forward anyways. Correct. Yeah. That's actually exactly what happened because I did tell him that I didn't see when I look in the future. He's not in it. Yeah. Well, and that's very good.

I go. he's not in it yeah well and that's very much yeah like he has said several times that i don't feel good enough for you after a couple conversations that we've had because i've told him i have to be open with communication and i want the same with you because i don't have time to not have everything out on the table yeah and the truth is you probably made him feel that way and i'm not trying to make you feel bad, but, like, again, you're projecting some of the things that you just don't want to be with him, and then you nitpick him. So, like, I think it's at this point healthier just to walk away

because I think it's just going to become more and more toxic to stick in a relationship you don't really want to be in and then make him feel like he needs to be better for you, and at the end of the day, he just might not be your person. Because your words and your actions are kind of different. You're saying, oh, I look in the future and it's not you, and he's like, be your person because your words and your actions are kind of different you're saying oh i look in the future it's not you and he's like well i feel kind of like crap but you're like but hey come on over and like let's hang out and like let's keep making these bonds and then he's like well maybe i might be able to be in the future

with her like she's selling me one thing so clear your mind clear your heart clear everything like just say hi like tell him what you really enjoy about them but you know you i feel like i mean we talk a lot but i feel like you kind of know your answer all right you got them you hit it hit it spot on all right well thank you for calling in we appreciate it best of luck thanks kimberly you're welcome bye i mean yeah i mean that was pretty straightforward i mean people uh often stick in relationships they don't want to be in and then they make up their own versions of it

um I love people like to tell themselves well I'm just too picky am I pushing this person away and if he only I don't even think I don't think her I don't think she prefers a person to smoke and don't get me wrong I find that to be a nasty habit but if if everything else is great I don't think she prefers a person to smoke and don't get me wrong. I find that to be a nasty habit, but if everything else is great,

I don't think that would bother her. No, I don't either. I think a couple of things like, she talked about her past relationships and there was all these red flags. And so she's trying to kind of tie in this, like I've made this mistake before. I don't want to make it again

versus being just like, it's a gut check. Like, yes or no. I don't feel it with him. It doesn't have to be, am I making a mistake again? It can just be no. And I, and I think when we're looking for companionship, we tend to negotiate more than if someone came in like blew our socks off and was like a two pack a day smoker, she wouldn't even be having this conversation.

I mean, it'd be gross, but yeah, but she would be. Yeah, but she'd be like, I can deal with it. You smoke outside. Like, it wouldn't bother her that much. She'd find a way. Yeah, for sure. But it gives you like this, and he's this, and he has this. But I think we are good at, I think we spend so much energy, myself included, I know,

like just compromising what really we want in a relationship and feeling that, I don't know, and not saying that you can't, I think compromising is important, but I think you need to have non-negotiables. Well, that's what I was about to say. It's all about, you have to prioritize. And any relationship, like you can sit there

and list what you want, but you have to ask yourself, which of these are the biggest priority? which of these are non-negotiables which are the things i can't live without and sometimes we have a bad habit of prioritizing with our actions the things that we don't care about and then not prioritizing the things that we at the end of the day totally it's uh yeah like on paper i've you know on paper i've dated people where i'm like oh that's great but like but but there wasn't a vibe, there wasn't a hit. And then, you know, not to make it about me, but I'm about to. When I met my husband, like he had been married before, like marrying a divorcee was not on

my list of priorities. Like one would argue like, I don't know if I'd really want to marry someone divorced. It turns out it's awesome because guess what? They got to make all these mistakes with somebody and then you got a newer, better version of them. Yeah. But so it's, I think it's important just to like know what's important and then,

then you don't nitpick. I think, or you're less likely to nitpick. I'm not saying you don't because. No, but you're going to do that in any relationship, but yes, but I think that's a great example of,

of things that are actually important or you think they should be important right right all right how's it going hi my name's anna i'm 27 anna 27 how can we help you anna uh so i just have some dating questions um i've been with my boyfriend for six months um i'm at the point where I said, I love you and everything and everything's going great. My question is, it's kind of the investment side. So where I feel like I'm investing a lot into him and I don't know if I'm getting that back enough. The holidays are coming up. I invited him to come to the holidays with my family at Thanksgiving. And he was a little hesitant.

And he kind of is not going to come. So I'm just wondering, is that a red flag? Should I give him more time? That kind of thing. Other than the holidays, are there other examples that you have? Are you feeling like you are giving more than you're getting? I would say I flew to his home state, so he's not from here. I flew to his home state for a buddy's wedding that he was in. So I knew nobody. His parents were at the wedding. I met them.

I'm pretty chill. I can go with the flow. And it was a great time. And I had a lot of fun. He asked you to go? I feel like, what? And he asked you to go. It was like, I want you to come to this? Or were you like, I want to go to this wedding?

I'd say like a month into our relationship, he mentioned he was in a buddy's wedding. Okay. And he was like, yeah, I first filled together. together like we could go and i was like okay and then i kind of got closer to that time and then a month before the wedding he was like okay would you like to go okay yeah like that'd be great okay so he asked it wasn't like you were you weren't kind of yeah just show up i want to go to this wedding and he was like fine sure fine, sure. He definitely asked you. He asked me. Okay. Yeah, he asked. How long have you been dating him?

Six months. Six months? Six months. Okay. How old is he? He's 26. He's 20. Okay.

So you guys are the same age. You mentioned earlier when you were talking, you're like, I said I love you and all this. Did he say I love you back? He has not. Okay. Okay. How soon in the relationship have you said I love you? About four months. Okay. Okay. How soon in the relationship have you said, I love you? About four months.

Okay. And that's not... That's fine. And the reason I'm asking you that is I said I love you to my now husband, and he took a couple months to say it back, and I will say I was bruised in my ego, but he just moves a little bit. He moves a little bit slower. So I feel like this is a good one here uh you

only you know so um you've only been dating to maria's point six months it's not a ton of time so that's fine other than that in the relationship how do you feel about um well what does your gut tell you about like minus he actually said i love you or these specific things that you're not thrilled with how does he make you feel on a day-to-day basis in terms of your confidence level in the relationship like do you feel confused about his feelings when you're really being honest with yourself or not um i would i'd say you know we're hanging all the time we're texting like we've been working on our, you know, we're hanging all the time. We're texting. Like, we've been working on our communication style. Like, when we're together, it feels great. The one thing

that I've been trying to ask him more for is kind of where he's at emotionally. And I don't feel like I'm getting much back. It's just not who he is. is like you guys just did the podcast with chris bartowski and i really related in that instance with emotionally he's just not uh expressing himself yeah um are you or is that vocally or like physically uh i vocally okay physically he's great in that regard but i'd say vocally like i'm just asking for i guess like words of affirmation yeah yeah i mean it might not literally be quote-unquote his love language too i mean and again it is so early on that um you know just right when you started talking the way you talk i mean i think it's always important to realize that not everyone's going to love you the way you

ideally would like to be loved or express their feelings in the manner which you're used to. Just like family too, and people move at different paces. The fact that he asked you to go to a wedding and introduced you to his family, now you're like,

because in your mind you're like, well, I did this for you and I want you to do this. So it logically makes sense that the holidays coming up, it would seem like this is not a big deal. Some mutual exchange. Yeah, mutual exchange. And that doesn't necessarily make either of you right or wrong. I mean, it can be a little confusing.

Don't get me wrong. Technically, if he's not ready to do the whole family thing, that's totally okay. if he's not ready to do the whole family thing, that's totally okay. It's not necessarily fair to you for him to send you mixed signals with his actions by inviting you to this wedding. At the same time, I don't think it's fairly productive

for you to obsess over that and then throw it in his face in a sense. Like I'm not saying you've done that, but like it's so early in the relationship, keeping score is not a very healthy thing to do. It's well I did this for you you need to do this for me etc etc it's so early on that I think there's some figuring out to happen the other thing I was is he really close with his family um he's pretty he's pretty close he'll call them and things like that he'll like that every other day.

He'll go home for the holidays? Well, he's not this year. He's been traveling a lot for work. So he's been home a few times this year, so he just can't afford it. So it's not that he's not going to your house over his house. He's not going anywhere. Yeah, he's just having a Friendsgiving with people. He's not going anywhere. He's having, yeah, he's just having a Friendsgiving with people. So you are having your family's holidays and you want him to join and he's reluctant to do that. Yeah, yeah.

Because I ask just, you know, hey, like if you could stop by, it's just like family, football, eating. And then if you want to go and your friends are getting together, like totally fine. And he doesn't want to. He's already said no. Yeah, he's more of an introvert. He says, and then he's in the environment and he does well with people. Um, but he's just anxious. And so I'm trying to be, um, understanding of that and not push it. Do you have a big family? Um, I wouldn't say too big. Um, I'd say like three or four cousins will come and they have kids and aunts and uncles but i wouldn't say more than 20 people has he met any of your family

uh he has not he is hopefully next week we're going to dinner with my parents oh okay so like yeah so it just hasn't happened yet due to scheduling. So he's not like he's saying like, I don't want to meet your family or hang out with your family. It's just perhaps the pressure of a holiday setting with your family and extended that would hype somebody who maybe already feels anxious in those situations. Yeah, I'm being understanding, but I just want to know, like, at what point should I have, should I be asking for more in a way? Those are fair questions. I mean, listen, I guess there's no right answer. You're going to, you know, you, you're going to know,

but I do think in general, if I'm generalizing, a lot of people in early in relationships, I think make the mistake of having these kind of like built-in deadlines or expectations, especially a lot when it comes to like family and holidays and how quickly you should move in if we're thinking about that. But like a lot, like, when do I meet my parents and holidays coming up? I think young couples, and by young, I mean, regardless of age or, you know, early on, they set way too much pressure and expectations on events like that. There's not, I mean, you've only been dating for six months and minus this wedding, which

is somewhat like contradicting to what he's doing, but granted he's in a comfortable space. I don't think you should sabotage or put a lot of emphasis on the fact that he doesn't want to do that. Everything you're saying kind of makes sense, at least in the sense that he is not necessarily great around, he might get anxious and whatever, and he doesn't feel comfortable about it. Maybe next year, if you're still dating, it might be something like, listen, either way, if you are in my life, it is important that you want to come. But I don't think in the first six months, you necessarily... It's not an obvious like, oh, that's messed up or you should want to do that.

You know what I'm saying? It's not such a red flag. It's not ideal for you. I get that. And eventually, he's going to have to open up a little bit and share it with you. But I just don't think it's a vine you want to die on this early yeah so i think a couple things um one i'm sure this um him coming home for the holidays is just an example of maybe you were saying like he doesn't seem necessarily as emotionally um or maybe vocally like affirmation wise for you you just maybe feel like you're very like, I'm in it. I like you. Like, there's no guessing. And for him, like he'll maybe physically show you and whatever, but there's not like this. You don't get a text like, hey, thinking about you or like, hey,

like you, which you might be looking for. And so I think Nick alluded to it earlier. I think it's really kind of important for you to, and this is something I wish I would have learned in my 20s, understand like, what do you look for in a relationship? And how do you show to somebody else how you feel? Because like he said, there's different love languages. Like if you're somebody who vocally tells somebody like, hey, I really like you.

Like that was really fun. Like I really enjoyed meeting your family. Or you're somebody who's more physically shows them. Know that you're going to show affection and what you want to receive affection like can be totally different. And same for him. For him, you might be like, I'm telling her. I'm showing her. I invited her to this wedding. That's huge. I brought her her. I'm like, I'm showing her. I invited her to this wedding. Like, that's huge. Like, I brought her into my personal life.

Like, that's humongous. Maybe he's never done that. Yeah. And he's given himself a lot of props for it. But in his mind, he doesn't necessarily vocalize it. And I'm not saying you sit down with him because six months is kind of early to be like, let's talk about each other's love languages. But I think if you, like, is he that way towards other people you see that he's close with? Like, like if if with his friends, like, is it more so like, hey, I'm here.

I showed up. I'm sharing moments with you. I'm sharing experiences with you. So in my mind, I'm showing you that you're important versus do you know what I mean? Like, I think sometimes if you see how he interacts with other people that are important to his life and close to him that can sometimes be a good sign but at some point I think a conversation would need to be had if you're feeling like you're not necessarily getting that validation and that would just be a simple conversation of not you're right or wrong, but just being like, hey, look, I just need I need to hear it. You know, and I think sometimes that's just like a it doesn't have to be anyone's fault.

It doesn't have to be something he's doing wrong. It can be you're coming from a place of that's what you need in a relationship to feel like you're loved. Yeah. I mean, also, just to make sure I'm hearing correctly, he has not yet met your parents, but you have plans to. Yeah. I mean, also just to make sure I'm hearing correctly, he has not yet met your parents, but you have plans to meet your parents, correct? Yeah.

So, and that's great. So that's a, that's a win. And so I would focus on that, right? This is not like he refuses to meet my family. Also,

to be honest, it's a little, you know, Thanksgiving several weeks away. And if you were, if, if we were dating and I hadn't met your parents and before we had met your parents, you're also like, so are you going to Thanksgiving?

I'd probably feel a little anxious about that question. I would. I would be like, I mean, I guess, but like, can I meet your parents? You know what I'm saying? Like, what if I meet your parents and it's like, he might be overthinking if he's, if he's in his head a lot and kind of an anxious person, he could be thinking about that. Why don't you just like table that?

Why don't you table Thanksgiving for now? Why don't you just go have dinner with your parents? He might totally get along with your parents and have a great time. And then like the idea of stopping by Thanksgiving seems like such a chill thing. But right now he has no idea. And the fact that you're asking him so

early i guarantee you makes him feel more pressure it's like what is what is giving you guys that you have to ask me yeah you know so many weeks in advance it sounds like and correct me if i'm wrong thanksgiving for you is like not a travel investment thing like it's where you are right now yeah so he could literally make a he can make a game day decision to be like you know what i'm gonna just i'm gonna stop by on his thanksgiving like morning of thanksgiving he could just be like you know what i'll stop by but right now you're asking him it's like when someone asked me what i'm doing for new year's eve on like november 2nd i'm like huh what yeah but i get where you're coming from anna because like when you meet someone you like you kind of like i don't know i was like i want to share it with everyone. Like I want to have that person there.

So you get, you kind of get a bit jived on it. Make no mistake. I think you're doing everything you are wanting and asking for is reasonable and totally normal. And it makes sense. We're just, I'm just trying to shed light on maybe what his perspective is. And if your question is, do I need to make a big deal about this yet? I don't think so. Because there's still some good signs. He is having dinner with your parents. Thanksgiving is like, he's not necessarily refusing. He's just kind of seems like he's not comfortable. He also sounds like he has maybe plans with his friends. If this is your guy, by the way, if he's your guy, there'll be plenty of Thanksgivings to have with your families for the rest of your lives. And that's kind of sometimes I always, in general, why young couples way if he's your guy there'll be plenty of thanksgivings to have with your families for

the rest of your lives and that's kind of sometimes i always in general why young couples seem so eager to like spend it with their families i get why because you kind of want to see how they fit in they want to see how they mix with your family that makes sense but that's not going to make or break your relationship you know what i'm saying like how thanksgiving is with your boyfriend or girlfriend is not going to like determine whether you guys are life partners. So much else is you two as a couple, Will. I'm not saying it's not important. And so if they are your person, you'll have so many Thanksgivings and Christmases and holidays to do that. You don't need to be in a rush to do it in the first one. So, yeah. That being said as well is how you maybe respond or react to those requests, I think, hold a lot more value.

So he has this Friendsgiving. And if this is someone you're excited about and you kind of want a future, and if this is something that this is his thing, the more that you kind of support that and know that that's important and be like, yeah, cool. Oh, you don't know if you want to stop by. Like, I totally understand. Like, I'm not saying you do that forever for this relationship. If this is like five years down the road and he's still like,

I don't want to go to your family's Thanksgiving. But I think like the more you respect kind of his space, as you guys are working out kind of like what this all means, the more you give somebody a sense of autonomy in a relationship, which I think is really important because we're really eager. And I think I can only speak from a female perspective. I think women really are eager to be like, I want to kind of couple off. Like I kind of am excited about this. I want this to be us. And we kind of lose sight of the fact that like that can be really daunting for someone like for me that was daunting for me because I'm like um but what about like the stuff that's

important to me and my independence and individuality and there might be aspects to him that that's that's scary and so for you to be able to appreciate what he does and appreciate what he kind of holds as like important like this friend's giving and and just be like cool yeah like totally cool if you change your mind just let me know yeah you know the more that he'd be like well that's real that was a really cool response instead of being like oh i know i'm disappointing her by not showing up to her family's thanksgiving which already feels kind of like a loaded gun yeah you don't want him to show up you know for under those terms and there's a big difference we talk about being a cool chick a lot on this show and there's feels kind of like a loaded gun. You don't want him to show up, you know, for under those terms.

And there's a big difference. We talk about being a cool chick a lot on this show. And there's a big difference between don't worry about being the cool chick all the time. You know, you want to be the cool chick, but you also want to state what you want. So I think kind of to Maria's point, it's okay for him to know that family is important to you, that you would love him to be there. But you totally get, especially this early in relationship that like, if you can't make it that's fine but it's again there's a balance it's good to express what's important to you because you want that person to eventually over time be like you know if she said this is important to me i need to do this right

but let that happen over over time um a couple things too just thinking about it like even though a wedding you go into the wedding and then then Thanksgiving seems like it's kind of the same thing. And if I did this for me, I can also make an argument why it's not the same thing. Yeah. It's normal to like ask a date to go to a wedding and weddings are fun or whatever. Thanksgiving with a family, there's tradition.

Yeah. And there's tradition. Every family has their traditions and things they do. And it can feel like playing house. And it could be like, it can give anyone a lot of anxiety. And it doesn't mean they don't love you and they don't want to be with you. They just might not be ready.

So there is that balance and you are six months into a relationship. I don't think, again, I don't think this is a vine to die on. There's so many other things about how you guys communicate and interact. And when you guys are spending time alone, how that is. And in general, are you able to express what makes you happy?

And does he listen and over time show you that he's listened to the things and willing to do the things that make you happy? I think those are the important things. And are you guys, you guys are exclusive? You guys have had that conversation? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're exclusive. Okay. So I would say you guys are, you've have had that conversation oh yeah yeah you're exclusive okay

so i would say you guys are you've kind of had that conversation and so like there's been an established like so you and i are working on this thing you know that's kind of been established and so right now these are like the new hurdles right so it's like now it's the holidays and and like nick said like i'm not saying roll over and be just like always cool if somebody is not treating you the way you want to be treated or not showing up in the way that, you know, you want to be fulfilled. But I think with these kind of first like softball tosses of like, oh, it's the holidays. Like, I think you have to kind of feel that out. of like, oh, it's the holidays. Like, I think you have to kind of feel that out.

Again, like if next year rolls around, or let's say there's a big family thing, or heck, let's just take your meeting your parents next week. Like that's huge. Yeah, let them meet your parents. I mean, that's like, talk about being on stage. That's on stage. Like maybe that goes well famously.

And that is like a breath of fresh air for him. Like, oh, okay, cool. Like I'll know her and I'll know her parents and like so now like it the family is kind of becoming a little less daunting you know so i think that that's really important um it's a lot easier to go to thanksgiving have you know he met your parents then you know if you have siblings or aunts and uncles that he's like met and now you're literally asking him to go meet a bunch of people who by definition are all going to be very comfortable with each other and really pro you pro you like they're all about you and a situation that is assumed that you have tradition and unlike a wedding where there's a

bunch of other distractions about the wedding whatever the wedding's about this other couple and there's dancing and fun this is thanksgiving and then you sit around the table and what do you think that's a new person that's a lot i mean it's a lot for anyone go meet you'll have to meet your parents you know i think you'll i think a lot will come out after that yeah and i think even if it's a total crash and burn not to say that the relationship is failed but i think you will learn a lot and a lot will come out from how that goes. And then I think we're constantly reading each other. I've been with my husband for seven years. And this seventh year, it's like, whoa, we are like, oh, you do this?

This is how you respond to that? And I feel like if you're not constantly learning from each other, a relationship's dead. And so you guys are so fresh in six months like this should almost be a little bit exciting to be like oh okay like how how does he respond to this and how do i react and how does that make me feel and not to make anything weighted like nothing is weighted and in these in this oh my god i would say in the first few years yeah give it some time you're gonna be fine it's it's just thanksgiving he sounds lovely he's doing friends giving like

it's not like he's an anti-social anxious ball important to know that for him to know what's important to you but like give it some time for him to show you he doesn't have to show you immediately you know um yeah it's it is just thanksgiving go enjoy your family let him do his thing yeah and and and open the door for him to surprise you and if he doesn't that's still okay there's other holidays if you guys stay together to do these have these moments together and with the emotional thing i really would challenge you to just kind of like take a back take a step back and kind of observe the way he interacts with other people who are important to him because again he just might show it in a different way than you're used to

or that you feel is important for the way you do yeah or that you do right so i think it's important just to observe that because you might be looking for certain cues and he's giving you a totally different set yeah um and so that's great and i think after time though like if this is an established relationship you know you guys are going for a while but you still feel like you need some of those other verbal things that's just when you sit down and just have a simple conversation just be like you know what i really realized and like I always tell people like always use I like I really realized that like I kind of need I need you to be like hey I really love you like every now and then I just need to just kind of hear that and you can kind of just be like it's my lovely you know whatever that's just how I respond but

I think right now it's just getting to know and read him and interact with and see how he interacts because he might be showing you that he's really into you and you're just looking for it in different ways right now well and you're looking for it in different ways you're looking for like verbal affirmation yeah yeah all right all right well hopefully that was uh helpful happy thanksgiving preemptively by the way it's going to be fun uh so many yeah enjoy the time enjoy next week with your parents yeah enjoy dinner with parents yeah that's step one baby steps for sure so many so many little milestones to look forward to um so yeah all right okay well thank you guys take care thanks for calling and appreciate it yeah definitely all right bye bye bye bye yeah i i loved what

what you said my favorite thing is uh especially early in relationships if a person's not expressing the way you like early on about how they show love, as you get to know their friends and family, see how they interact with other people they're close to, that's a really great way because that's also, I mean, if they don't, then that's a red flag. But if they do, it's like, oh, I see that connection. I see how they are with that person. Everyone's different with strangers and everyone handles things differently,

but how they are with people they're connected to is a great way of figuring out how they might love you and interacting well everyone learns love differently too right like we come from this really large vocal family that like if someone's feeling something for the most part like you can like everyone's kind of pretty easy read and so i think in that way like you kind of pretty easy read. And so I think in that way, like you kind of expect like, you kind of get used to the way that you love or have been loved to be the way like all important relationships carry out. And so I think going into a relationship

with that expectation, you can almost disappoint yourself and kind of sabotage early on because somebody might be showing you in a different way. I do think though, as something develops, if you feel that you're not, somebody might be showing love in a different way,

but you're still kind of like, ah, I know they love me, but this is kind of how I need. Then that's a conversation. There's a, yeah, there's a balance.

Yeah. You can't just be like, well, Hey, look, I just, I just don't share it. I'm just,

I show up. It's like, well well i need to hear it yep uh how's it going good good what's your name i'm shannon i'm 30 shannon 30 how can we help you shannon so i recently found out actually this past summer that um i am pregnant and congrats it was pretty thank you it was pretty unexpected um the relationship i was we were only dating for probably five or six months okay um and uh we had like talked about having kids he is a few years older than i am and already has two young children um so we have like eventually we had talked about having kids eventually together um obviously not now and so kind of since finding out he's pretty much first it was a lot of pressure to not have this child and then since then he's just kind of like walked out of my life and kind of like left me I. And I'm just sitting here kind of struggling of how to get, like how to move on almost from him. And I thought, you know,

I thought that maybe with, I've always wanted kids. And I just thought that maybe by now it's been a couple months I'd be feeling better or like moved on from him because of how he's been treating me, but I'm not. And so it kind of prompted me to write into you. Just a couple questions I have. Other than him, and we'll get to that in a second, how's your support system outside of him in terms of the people in your life i have a super supportive family who have been i don't know where i would be without them um however i they're all in wisconsin and i live in minnesota so there's a little bit of i'm not like

physically with them all the time so i'm kind of alone okay here in minnesota and he was kind of him and his family and his friends were kind of like my main supports here how long were you dating him before you guys got pregnant five six months so we were probably together like five okay like five months uh how long you been in minnesota is this where did you just move there i mean mean I've been here for like three and a half years now okay well what about friends outside of him and you only been dating him for five or six months yeah I really I don't have many um I kind of met him through like some like mutual friends and now that him and i have kind of gone our separate ways you

lost i've kind of lost yeah okay i mean that's normal and they it's not like you can't get them back i mean off the bat i would just want to say that uh you're putting a little bit too much pressure on yourself in terms of the expectations you're thinking of like oh it's only been too much i should be fine by now like i literally can't imagine the position you're in of like, oh, it's only been too much. I should be fine by now. Like I literally can't imagine the position you're in and it's unfortunate, but I, I, I can safely say that there's, there's no right timeline of when you should be over this. And the fact that you are going, this is, this, this, this situation is ongoing. It would,

it would be almost kind of weird to be honest, if after two months, you're like, fine, I'm fine. I'm totally fine. And like, I've accepted that he's moved on. It's not like a normal breakup, because you are literally pregnant with his child. And I'm sure there's a lot of emotional things going on with that. It's unreasonable for you to expect yourself to be over this. So when I say that, because don't put added pressure on yourself of thinking you should be over it. You know, it's going to be helpful for you to get over it by accepting that it's okay to grieve and be sad about the situation you find yourself in. And definitely I would lean on your family. There's not much you can do, obviously, with the fact that they're in Wisconsin, you're here unless you want to move back. But I would challenge yourself to get back out there slowly and give it time to reconnect with friends

that you had and to be open to making new friends, which that's going to take some time. As far as this particular situation in the guy, I mean, you know, that's really shitty of him to do. I mean, you know, that's really shitty of him to do. And I am sorry for that. I mean, I don't know about like child support and things like that, but I wouldn't, I mean, I know that can get messy, but I wouldn't just walk away from the fact that he is responsible for this child financially, whether he wants to be there for that child emotionally and be a father, that's not much you can do. But you can force him legally to support you, of which he should. He should have to. Every guy, I don't care if it was a one night and it's his kid. It's his responsibility financially. So I would maybe look into that and obviously have your family, talk with your family about that to have their support.

Shannon, can I ask, so how many months pregnant are you? I just turned 21 weeks this week. Okay. Well, congratulations. What trimester is that? That's a big, that's a 20, after 20. Is that two or three? I just had my first child and he's a year that's a 20 after 20 i mean two or three every i just had my first child and uh he's

a year and a half and so like it never is you know you're never out of the woods ever but 21 weeks is uh it's big because it's kind of like you're past the halfway point um but let me just speak on that from being like a newly pregnant woman with my first child is like your hormones are also really all over the board so not to say again like nick said like i two months is like even if the situation was different and you weren't pregnant with his child like two months is not a long time yeah to get over a relationship point if you weren't pregnant with his kid and you broke up and you were still having this conversation i'd be like no one would be like oh you're crazy get over it it's like you're in a reasonable time frame and to be in the whole thing with the the support so i think what's important um and i can just say this because i'm kind of

new into this game too is that um if he's not going to necessarily be there and your family is in wisconsin and you kind of maybe lost friends in the in the battle if you will of like the divorce um of your relationship um you're going to as a mom probably make new friends too, in the sense that your common interests will change. And so what I would do if I were you to just kind of help in terms of this feeling, I would say in some sense, an emotional supportive void that he maybe filled as the father of your child. Like, I don't know where you are in Minnesota, but I do know there are a lot of really cool, like, mom groups or, like, mommy-to-be groups or something like that

where you can at least be around people who are in similar situations of being pregnant that you can feel some sense of support and companionship. Like Nick said, I, I, is I, I guess we haven't asked you this. Are you wanting this to work out with him? What was that? Did you, do you want, do you kind of, is there a part of you that still wants this to work out with him? Oh yeah. And I think that that's like the the hardest part is that just looking back. And that's where like my family struggles to support me because they're they're very much like, why would you want to be with somebody that girl like I know it's all directed towards me but so my family has a hard time understanding um like why you would still want it to work with

him when he's like pretty much like he's just said really horrible things and treated me pretty horribly and then obviously like made it clear he's not going to be involved whatsoever. And then I think just not having like closure from like his family or friends, like to my knowledge, they don't, they don't feel like it's my place to tell like his mom or his family that you know that I know I feel like that's his place but I also know that he's not going to do that and so I'm like okay like do I tell them do I let them know um I mean I don't know one thing I'm just going to say quick is you're never going to have closure with him yeah well we've talked about the baby i mean that's that's not from him not from the type of closure you expect yeah like that's gonna be an open wound kind of and there's a possibility who knows this guy sounds a bit kind of um it may be extreme level it wouldn't blow my mind if somehow he popped back in at some point but

that's really besides the point. I can understand and empathize with your wanting to get back together with him regardless of the fact that you're pregnant. But to your family's point, you need to really hold him accountable for the things he has said and done for you. And I can safely assume that it's hard for you right now to really see clearly whether you really want to be with him or like just the idea of having the family I'm assuming you always want and like the fear of like being a single mom and meeting someone else. Those are real fears and I can only I can appreciate why you have them. And I think the biggest takeaway I want you to have from this call is I'm assuming, and correct me if I'm wrong, that you just have a lot of fears about what's next. I don't have a lot of friends here in Minnesota.

Will I be able to – what's dating like going to be for me if I don't meet this guy? This guy doesn't come back, et cetera, et cetera. And I'm guessing that's driving a lot of your immediate desires and your perceived wants in the short term. I just want you to know that as daunting as it feels right now, and maybe I don't want to use the word hopeless, that it's not, right? Give it some time. To Maria's point, you will definitely make a lot of new friends just through being a mom. Our sister has an amazing husband who uh she met after she had her first born child with someone she got pregnant with after dating for like a month um and uh i mean different situations and and and um our our niece's father he was involved and is involved

in her life but so yeah it's just it's not as daunting as it feels. And I know that you can't see that right now, but I promise you it like it's it it it will be OK. But you just have to believe it will, especially at the moments where you feel the most helpless. And in terms of him, I'm going to give you a little bit of like I know, like Nick said, there might be an aspect that you want to have this companionship. You want some support. You want a partner in this, right? But you mentioned a couple of times, like he said, some terrible things. He's treated you very terribly. I think right now for you, and maybe this will help with your peace of mind, is if you take a step back and see how he's treating you, is that the type of person that you would want to be around your child?

Like if, you know, and I think that's really important because if he's treating you this way and, and it's. Treat his kid that way. Yeah. Well, or,

or your child will, whether or not he's an amazing father, your child will witness that type of interaction. And is that the type of person that you want to have around a lot? And I think that that can, even though it's tough and I'm not saying it's easy, I think that can at least make you feel like, you know what? I'm not over this, but I am actually happy that he's not forcing himself to be part of the situation because that's not the type of person that I really want to have around. My advice to you on how to handle him, whether it's with his family or whether they should know, child support, things like that, you should make every decision going forward,

not based off of what he's going to think about it and how is that going to affect the chances he would ever come back. I'm assuming subconsciously every choice you make regarding that is mostly based off of will this make him mad? Will this push him further away? Will this decrease the chances of him ever coming back? Yeah. Will this push him further away?

Will this decreases the chances of him ever coming back? To Maria's point, I think regardless, you know, the more you hold him accountable, and I don't really, I think we're in agreement. We want to see you find someone better for yourself and for your child. But like that's not necessarily for us to say, but I do want you to hold him more accountable and pandering to his kind of temper tantrums and what he is and acting out of fear for how he might react isn't going to be a way to hold him accountable. And that's not going to get him to be the person you want anyways. So you have to be afraid. You have to be okay with losing him and you have to hold him accountable. So you'd be surprised how people react when they when you call them on their bullshit regardless you should just make all

your decisions based off of him accepting that he's gone forever and also with that you're saying i don't know if it's my responsibility to tell his family his friends what i would do is i would go to the source first and like give him the option be like hey i know that you know you don't want to be together you don't want any of this but you know i am going to ask for support or child support financially like i you know this i'm coming to you first like to be like adult about it like go to him if for some reason he's gonna be not not, he's not going to show up for that and he's going, then I think then you can extend to his family in that. I wouldn't be like, I wouldn't blast and be like, I'm going to go after and make sure

he shows up. I'd give him the opportunity to and to let him know that I'm not asking you to be part of this child's life more than you are legally bound to financially and the rest is up to you. But give him the chance to show up that way. And then if he doesn't, and then obviously these will be conversations of like, you know, when you have your child, like do they see see the extended family those types of things you there's still time for that to be figured out i don't think right now is probably the time to announce to his family and extended friends like i'm pregnant with his child and he's blowing me off

well i think the important thing is it's not your problem to finger figure out what is your responsibility versus his tell your his family your only priority should be you and your child yeah that's really it and as long as those needs are met again like uh maybe you don't want to him to be involved financially because in the long run maybe if you're not with him you really want him completely out so we're not here to tell you but if you do hope that he supports you he he has the responsibility to do that and you have the right to ask if that's what you want right and if you decide that that's what you want for you and your kid then that's what you should do so again whatever two takeaways

i want you to have is it's not as hopeless as it might feel uh you seem like a lovely person you'll make friends through all you just have to be open to making friends. Dating is going to be a tough in the short term, but right now you're pregnant and have your kid, but like, and you're still young and a year and a half that might like, you'll be surprised what, like what's going to be out there for you. Um, and then two, your only focus on in the short term should be on the care for yourself and your child and not worrying about his needs whatsoever. Whose responsibility is to, who cares what his family does or doesn't know, right? It only should be in the context of what's best for you and your kid. Yeah.

And prioritize that. And that will like make things a lot more clearer for you because it's kind of confusing because you're trying to prioritize his needs based off of whether he'll come back to you or not. And as much as I know I get that, you should really be focusing on what you want and then start really paving the rest of your life. And all the making friends and dating will all become a lot easier when you accept that he doesn't deserve you or your child. You should hold him accountable for the things he said and done. And I understand wanting the perfect image and the family that you probably always wanted with him, but these actions matter and don't dismiss them. There's no excuse. I don't care if he's had kids already. I don't care if he's older. There's just no excuse for doing what he's doing and not holding up to his responsibility

and then projecting and trying to make you feel guilty or bad about. That matters. I don't know what he's done before or the good things he might have made you feel, but how people handle things in pressure situations, when things get bad and how they react to that is really the test of their true character, not when it was easy. So this is who he is, not who he was in the first month and a half of dating this is the person he'll be in a relationship that has responsibilities and struggles and this is how he will be at maria's point as a father it won't be how charming he was in the first couple months

of dating and then with that allow yourself to just be sad and pissed and mad and like allow yourself to feel those emotions like 100 percent. Like you don't need to like put on like your, you know, your big girl pants and be like, I'm an independent woman and this doesn't bother me. Like, dude, I would be beside myself. It's definitely OK to be sad. Be sad. And because I think if you allow yourself to feel those emotions like that way you're not

just like you can process you're not and you're not holding on to for them to then show up later when like when when sometimes we just need to have that level-headedness right so allow yourself to be upset and pissed but then also be like you know what i'm glad he showed his true colors now versus you know later on when like things were maybe much more invested and like things were a little bit more trickier. Like Nick said, for you to just kind of establish what you want and what you need in terms of him to best care for you and your child, I think is kind of a great place to start. And then that will allow you to kind of know how to proceed in terms of approaching him with what you need

and then give him the opportunity to show up that way. But not sacrificing what you need and what your child needs for the sake of salvaging whatever you think might be salvageable because it doesn't sound like it's you know i i would say there's probably brighter things in your future yeah i mean i can't relate to what you're going through i can i can relate to um saying having to say goodbye to a relationship I thought I wanted, and then having to say goodbye to like the idea of the relationship or like the picturesque relationship I thought I wanted.

It was like almost two type of breakups that I had to do. We imagine things in a certain way, and like it's, I finally have what I wanted and then it disappears on you and then you don't. And then you probably, you know, when the first time I was engaged and it didn't work out and I got cheated on, the thought was I never thought I'd get engaged and then be cheated on by my fiance, right? I imagine you never thought you'd get pregnant by a guy who had two kids and then he would like do this. and then you feel judged and you feel like what is it like you just it wasn't the life you imagined for yourself well the thing about life is it's never what we imagine for ourselves and so and if it was it would be probably somewhat boring

but like so just don't judge yourself and like it's okay to feel sad and grieve but like when you have those thoughts about i i can't believe this happened to me, like, try not to like ruminate and live in that and really judge yourself in those moments. Again, be sad and allow yourself to grieve, but and don't judge yourself for having not moved on yet. Because that is going to be a process. But know there's hope and know there's something better for you know that you deserve more and that you and and you will have it like you are not you're you know i'm saying like there's so much life ahead of you and your child and you're doing a great thing and you will feel stronger for it in the future uh when you get past this but you know be thankful you have your family

because that is special and not everyone does have that. And you will have, you will make friends, you know, and maybe have this be a lesson in the future that when you do find someone not to like, there's, you should never have to push friends away, you know? And so learn from those little small lessons down the line. And that child's going to bring you so much love. Like so, so much love. Like you can't even comprehend at this point. So, you know, not all is lost in dark, right?

Like you've got so many positive things happening to you right now. And so now it's just a matter of knowing like how do we how do you want to like formulate what you're dealing with into a way that like sets you up for a brighter path all right thank you guys no you're welcome you're gonna be great congratulations congratulations sorry you're going through this but uh brighter brighter days ahead i i promise you that much and really enjoy please enjoy the second half of your pregnancy like just you know bring just so

much love to that baby yeah um well yeah it's tough it's tough yeah i mean that's like the an extreme example of of things not going the way you want, uh, which happens all the time. This is obviously a much tougher situation. And the reality is, is like, it is tough and there's, it's, it's not ideal. And, uh, you know, it's not as if, you know, like she said, Oh, I, we broke up in two months. I'm not over it. And, And in other circumstances, if there wasn't a child involved, would be easier. But, and this might be a longer process, but again, brighter days ahead. Yeah, I think it's an interesting perspective

in terms of what promises or things you talk about in the early stages of relationships. A lot of our other callers were like in the first stages and kind of like, oh, well, they showed this and they showed that. And it's like, you know, really people can show things, but, you know, things change, people change, situations change.

And like, you know, all you have responsibility over is how you react and respond to it. And unfortunately, sometimes people can not show up the way they said they would or the way you hope they would. And all you really can do is take care of your side of the street. Yeah. I mean, again, I'm not a dad. I just can't imagine a world where someone, especially if they've already been a father right would could do this and to me that there's just no going back from that that is such a true testament to who they really are at their core yeah and what they're capable of especially when they don't get what they want or situations go outside of what they

want but i think it's hard though like i think that's where you see people in relationships who are like you know she said her family like, how are you still staying with them? It's like when you're in that stage, and I can say this coming from like a place of having a child with like somebody who is very supportive, who I love, and like, we have a very wonderful relationship. I mean, to think about going at that alone, it can, I can only imagine be very daunting. And so you can then compromise what you would put up with just to just because all she have someone there exactly all she really wants is to just not be alone

right uh and i can yeah i can appreciate that uh but that's only helping her in the short term well maria thank you for coming it's been a ton of fun uh i hope you guys learned a lot uh not only through the questions we answered but uh through uh of the things that Maria shared about healthy eating habits and lifestyles and even essential oils. Don't forget to rate us five stars on iTunes if you so would want to. Again, nh oils dot com for those of you who want to or haven't tried some of our essential oils. Yeah. Any final thoughts, Maria? That people who give the best advice typically are the ones who need it.

I mean, come on. I know. People know this about me. I know. And you're like, oh, you're so good at giving advice. It's like, because I need it. And I usually need the advice I'm giving you. I constantly try to give it to myself.

I just don't listen. Yeah, exactly. Well, I love you very much. Thanks for coming. And you guys, thanks for listening. As always, don't forget to send us your questions at asknick at castwithakmedia.com. Until next time, have a great day.